#Keeping myself busy at work is nice. I have
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It's good to know how to protect yourself, but I agree that a lot of people take it way too far. I think the best general rule is; Like the first person said, highly populated areas during the day are generally safest for the first few dates. Cafe, movie, restaurant, picnic at the park, whatever suits you. As long as there's cameras and people and it's not the middle of the night. Shoot someone a text about where you are if it makes you more comfortable but it's generally not necessary to be too stressed about it. NEVER go to a bar or a club with a guy/date without telling anyone. Yes, even if you're gay, mlm and wlw dates aren't always safe either. Tell people where you are and when you plan on coming home, don't take your eyes off your drink. Common sense. Never go to a house or secluded location unless you know the person REALLY really well. Shoot someone a text letting them know where you are beforehand. If you get a bad gut feeling to the point where you feel the need to use a million extra security measures, just listen to your feelings, make an excuse, say "sorry i have to go, thanks for your time", and politely leave. Don't try to push through it or make it work if you're getting a bad vibe. Just end the date early, don't bother with a million extra paranoid measures. You're better off just going home if you feel unsafe. If you think someone's following you home, drive around a block a few times to confirm they're actually following you, then drive towards a police station. Usually they'll back off.
You don't need a million self defense devices and gadgets. Learn some basic maneuvers, keep one or two REASONABLE self defense tools at most if necessary. You only really need any of this stuff if you're walking home alone at night a lot. You don't need a million alarms and locks in your house either, they're probably more dangerous than whatever threat you're trying to protect yourself from. Simple latches on your doors and windows will usually do just fine, especially if you're not in a high-crime area (most of the women posting their elaborate security systems online, nay, the only people that can AFFORD elaborate security are white people in a nice little middle class neighborhood with white picket fences. They have nothing to be scared of). You don't need 50 guns, you don't need a husband with you 24/7, most of you don't need 10 alarms or 100 different locks on your door and barricaded windows that'll be real inconvenient when you're in a housefire or a more realistic emergency. Let loose a little. enjoy your life. Go on a cute date without checking your phone 80 times. Live in the moment for a change. It's ok. A while ago I had to walk a mile in the dark after a long shift at work. I share transportation with someone and I live too far away to just walk home, but they had the car, and we worked in the same town so I thought I'd just walk over and ask for the keys instead of waiting around for the next few hours for them to get off their late night shift. The sun went down before I left, it was quiet, dark, and there were lots of run down houses. I passed by a few strangers on the way there. You wanna know what happened? Nothing. Well, my legs were tired and I got a few stickers stuck to my shoes. But other than that, nothing. Did I have the means to defend myself if I had to? Yeah. I keep a couple practical things on me just-in-case. But I've never needed them, and hopefully I never will.
You know the most dangerous thing I encountered on that walk? The lack of fucking sidewalks and crosswalks. Had to strategically dart across some very busy roads and watched a guy slam on his brakes past the white line because he was going to run a red light until he saw me step forward a bit. The danger was not the random guy or two I saw walking around, probably in a similar situation as me, and minding their business. If you want to make your city safer, advocate for better walkability or public transit, lmao.
i'm sorry the self-victimization of some women i see online is crazyyyyy, they're saying shit like "yeah being a woman is so crazy, if you go on a date you have to text his full name and picture to your friend, and also where you're meeting, and share your location throughout the date, and check in hourly" girl the only safety measure you need is meeting in a populated place. that man is NOT going to kidnap you from Popular Cafe on Well-Frequented Street in broad daylight at 2pm. i promise. do you go forest hiking as a first date or what the fuck.
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JJ MAYBANK x READER
Summary: JJ takes revenge after your accident
Warning: mentions of blood
JJ and I had decided to go on a date, realizing we hadn't been on one since we got back to the island. We were going to a nice restaurant, not Kook nice, but nice. I was wearing a blush floral dress with bows on the straps and JJ was in a nice sage button-up. He was wearing his normal cargo shorts and boots, realizing he didn't have anything nicer, but we didn't care. We just wanted to be together.
We took the Twinkie, not wanting to walk all the way into town since the weather was supposed to get bad later. I was sitting in the passenger seat and JJ was driving. He had ahold of my hand, rubbing his thumb along the back of it. "I love you," he tells me, placing a kiss on my hand. I look over at him and smile, "I love you too, J." I look back at the road and within a second, I feel the weight of the door crash into me. The Twinkie flips to its side before coming to a halt in the middle of the intersection.
I feel the blood dripping down the side of my face and my head is in agonizing pain as I glance over to a bleeding JJ. He's not moving. I try to move and scream out in pain. I can't feel my leg and see it's pinned by a piece of the door that broke off. I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I could hear people trying to break the windshield. I recognized one of them and started to yell out. I was slowly losing energy, feeling my body give way to the pain I was in. I look back over to JJ, who is still unconscious before everything goes black.
It had been three weeks since the accident. I was released the first week, but I've been there every single day since visiting. The Pogues are trying to be supportive and keep a positive mindset about it, but I just can't wrap my head around it. Everything was working, the business was doing great, nobody was in trouble or being chased, we were all happy. Within one single moment, everything changed. All it took was one asshole who thought he could drive drunk to ruin it all. As I sat in the hospital chair, I couldn't stop thinking about what I could've done to change what is happening now.
"Hey, you ready to go?" John B asks, standing in the doorway of the hospital room. I don't say anything and he comes over to me and places a hand on my shoulder, "She'll wake up JJ," he says with a hint of pain in his voice, "she has to." I place my hand on his, letting him know I hear him, it's just difficult to feel that way. "What's that stupid thing you always say? You can't what?"
"You can't kill a Pogue," I reply with a chuckle that was immediately met with tears in my eyes. I know he's trying to help, but I just can't see past the fact that she's not awake yet and the doctors aren't sure when she will wake up. The trial for the person who hit us was today and I told her I wouldn't miss it, I would be there to see justice for her. "I'll be right out," I told John B. He pats me on the shoulder before walking out of the room.
"I'll come back and tell you all about what happened," I took hold of her hand, "I just need you to wake up for me. Okay, princess?" She's been in a coma since the accident, her injuries being too much for her body to handle. Her face was littered with cuts and bruises, but it didn't take away any of her beauty. They almost lost her. I woke up not soon after the accident and they were doing CPR on her, I tried to get to her, but I couldn't. They had me strapped down to the gurney, my neck in a brace. They were loading me into the ambulance when she finally came out of it. As soon as I knew she was alright, I passed out from the pain. I woke up later in a hospital bed and was released three days later. I had minimal injuries, she took the brunt of it all.
"If I could go back to that day, I would switch places with you in a heartbeat if it meant you were here right now. This world needs you in it," I tell her, hoping and praying she'll hear me, "you're too bright of a light to just be gone. I need you to fight for me, for all of us. The Pogues won't be the same without you." I look up at her, wanting nothing more than for her to open her beautiful eyes. I feel a tear drop onto my hand. I'm not even sure if I believe she can hear me, but I need her to. "I'll be back later, I love you so damn much. If you can hear anything, hear that." I stand up and place a kiss on her forehead before slowly walking out the door, taking one last look at her before I leave.
John B met me at the end of the hallway and we walked outside. The rest of the group was in an old junker we found. The Twinkie was totaled and we got a good enough deal on this van. Everybody was waiting for me, I could see the sadness in their faces. "Let's go see this asshole get what he deserves." I clap my hands at them before jumping in the van and closing the door. I've been looking forward to this day, the day Rafe is found guilty.
We quickly drove to the courthouse, seeing the place filling up fast. Everybody loves her on this island, they all want to see justice served. As we walk in and take our seats, I can't help but notice all the sad faces pointed towards us. The Kooks aren't even looking our way as they sit behind Rafe. I'm sitting in the front, and I can't help but send glares Rafe's way.
The trial took a little over five hours and I started to have a bad feeling about it. It happened too fast I thought, I could see the worry on Pope's face and that told me all I needed to know. This wasn't going the way we wanted. It wasn't long before the Judge came out and announced to everybody that Rafe was found not guilty on all charges. The entire courthouse erupted into people yelling. I couldn't focus on anything, all I saw was red. I slowly got up and looked at Rafe, wanting nothing but to kill him. He got away with it, he had to have paid people off or threatened them. He gave me a small smirk and I went to charge at him, but Kie beat me to the punch; literally. She took one swing at him before the entire room erupted into chaos.
I slowly walked to the back of the courthouse, ignoring all the fights happening around me. I turned the corner and grabbed a chair before throwing it through the window. I turned around and saw one of the officers heading my way, trying to tackle me but not before I punched him, knocking him to the floor. I started to run out the door but was quickly pulled back by a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Shoupe holding me back. I thought I was done at that moment, until someone slammed a chair into his back, causing him to crumple to the floor. I ran out of there as quickly as I could.
I couldn't think straight, all I could do was run. I left everybody at the courthouse. She could die and he's getting away with it. This town is letting him get away with it I thought. It wasn't long before I was downtown, surrounded by all the Kook businesses. I let out a small chuckle before picking up a bat that was sitting next to someone's bike. I swung it around a few times before I let all that rage out.
I took the bat a swung it as hard as I could into the window of a car, causing the lights and horn to go off. "Why stop there?" I said to myself as I moved down the sidewalk. I took a swing at the electrical board on a street light causing it to spark and set fire to the trashcans below it. I looked down the sidewalk at all the clean windows. I stood in front of one before swinging the bat, the window shattering from the force. I broke every window along the sidewalk, everyone meeting me with an alarm.
I could see the lights coming from around the corner and ran. I had to get back to her. I ran until I came to the hospital entrance. I threw the bat into the bushes next to me before walking in. "Hey JJ," one of the nurses said to me as I walked in, "I'll get you checked in." I nodded my head at her. As I came to her door, I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down and make it seem like I didn't just run across town. It's not like she can see me I thought.
I walked through the door and looked over. My eyes filled with tears as I looked at her.
"Hey J."
#masterlist#fanfic#request#requests open#jj maybank#jj maybank x reader#jj obx#obx#jj x reader#outerbanks jj#outer banks#obx fanfiction#obx fic#obx x reader
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#Ignore me#4 months is quickly coming up... 4 months since Alec died#Every moment of every day I'm at a loss for what to do#And how to behave#Keeping myself busy at work is nice. I have#To be forced to use my brain other ways and do things#But by the end of the day I'm so unbelievably exhausted#I'm just masking as a happy-okay person.#I spend the quiet time at work rotating this new reality#It's exhausting to pretend to be okay#But what else am I supposed to do?#It's not fair to the people around me to constantly be on the brink of crying.#To be sad and quiet and idk. I don't want their pity or sad looks#But sometimes I do just wanna scream#I don't always want to hear about their recent adventures#I want to curl up in a ball because my regrets are eating me from the inside out#I fucked up an important part of my life because I'm a coward and#I was juggling too many trashfires in my life to deal with the messy place#We left our friendship. I thought there was time. There should've been time.#A whole lifetime to figure it out. Make things worse. Make things better.#To be happy#And now he's dead and none of it matters#I'm supposed to live the rest of my life now#I don't know how to do that anymore#Nothing feels right or real#Every atom of my being keeps raging against the truth#He's gone#The sweet boy that would make me laugh... share my love of myth & language...#Carry me bridal style... kiss every inch of my face... kiss the palm of my hand#And then hold it to his chest to fall asleep....
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Forgive me, forgive me. I ask, I beg, I pray, but it never comes.
You know I find it incredibly bewildering to see just how much kalki reflects myself in him like YEAH Duh of course he does, he’s my little guy it’s like his full time job. But at the same time he is a fully functional facet of my being and he is at the mercy of my whimsies, and whatever he discovers in his arduous journey of self realisation is ultimately a reflection of what I discover in the real world. It’s also incredibly funny because ffxiv lore for dark knights is really baked into the idea of (re)discovering yourself amongst the bloodshed and continuing to live and love and thrive despite the world working against us. who would have thought such a raw message could come from an mmorpg side quest about edgy emo boys of all places
also adamantite armour of fending i would lay down my LIFE for u
variant + phone bg version + ID below the cut
tch as if you guys are actually going to use artwork of my little guy as your phone background. i know. how dumb. let a girl dream. i should make an alternate version but it's of Fray and Myste
[START ID: A picture with a red background focusing on the character's bust that is placed to the left of the image's centre. He is coloured with a dark blue overlay, contrasting with the red background. He has brown skin, long black hair that falls over his shoulders, and is wearing blue and gold armour and earrings. He is looking at the viewer, right eye dark brown and the left an glowing unnatural red, with an expression that looks determined and angry and yet bitter and forlorn. In the foreground and on the right side of the piece, a miniature version of the character stands coloured in a light blue overlay and wearing the same blue and gold armour, looking as if he is glowing. He is facing towards the left of the piece, or perhaps at the character bust, his expression unreadable. Above the miniature character's head is the symbol representing the FFXIV dark knight, coloured in gold. END ID.]
#the burst of creativity that shot through me is indescribable. i can only hope this is a sign that i am FINALLY out of art block#but OF COURSE my creativity comes back right when gamsat is around the corner. it's always a fucking exam. i fucking hate myself#maybe this piece is supposed to be vent art at how I CANNOT MANAGE MY SHIT AND I AM JUST. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT. NOT DOING THINGS RIGHT !!#and i tell myself it's fine but maybe it's NOT fine? i told myself i'd work on it but nothing is getting worked on#nothing productive at all. not even for uni nor for myself. nothing is happening at all. it's just going through the days#waking up. wishing i'd slept more. stare at my laptop for hours. youtube. watch 10mins of lectures. then a nap. then the laptop. then sleep#but i dont and it pisses me off because nothing is working. i'm like if linguini lost his rat and i'm staring at the kitchen catching fire#maybe go to class if it's on for that day. scrambling notes together. pretending i DO have my shit together#i COULD put out the fire. but i'm not. i could and i can but im not. the extinguisher is in my hand. fire's not going out. i'm still here.#maybe. maybe that's why drk resonates with me so much. at the end of the day. maybe i am just a stupid bastard#-who can't get their act together. who actively shoots themselves in the foot and bleeds all over the place trying to make something happen#only this time- this time the perpetrator isn't someone i can point at and demand answers from. it's me hi i'm the problem it's me#and i can- i SHOULD find a way to make this all work. to make this whole Living My Life business work. but the extinguisher's in my hand#wow okay that was really heavy anyway uhhhhh TAGS TAGS TAGS TAGSSSSS#ffxiv#ff14#ffxivwol#ffxiv wol kalki#ffxiv dark knight#artoftheagni#and the fire keeps going#tw eyestrain#cw bright colors#idk the red is really bright and it;s nice for my eyes but idk for anyone else
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What app and what pencil do you use :3?
(I send u big hugs and hav a nice day :D♡)
Hehe. (Hugs back. I like hugs. XD) I believe someone else had a similar question before! I made this art then too to demonstrate how I use, Ibis Paint. The free beginner friendly drawing app! (No I'm not sponsored-) And as for the "pens", I usually go for the default brushes. As in the first basic ones you find on the app! ^v^ I've been promoting this idea for years and I'll never get tired of saying it! While fancier equipment IS nice, skills can ultimately outclass tools any day! =D In fact, sometimes limiting yourself can hone your creativity as it forces you to work with what you have and invent new ways of experimenting with materials that are often overlooked! That's how I learned. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -Bubbly💙
#spacebubblearts#asks#thanks for the asks!#and sorry it's so late#I was busy with mother's day and my parent's anniversary#but no cap I use to draw strictly with pens and markers#no erasing and soon enough mistakes became part of the art itself easy as anything#improved my drawing speed too#as for digital art#for years I only had my phone and fingers#I remember making animatics on them like a mad man#and I'm not talking animation memes either#I mean full on song animatics XD that could be minutes long#that took a lot of work#man I miss the motivation#thinking of training myself that way again.#ehem anyway I hope this was a satisfying answer#if youre curious my animatics are still up on YT XD#I made a Glitch Techs one on two player game but a lot of them are really old back when I was just starting online#enjoy!#and have a nice day as well! =3#art#doodle#chibi#mascot#art practice#art discussion#art advice#why do I keep writing them on the tags???#ibis paint
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// ... the day of American reckoning.
Bright side is that my 7 day vacation starts tomorrow. Part of it will be spent at Sonic Expo in Dallas, but majority of it will be spent rotting in my hotel room, gorging on take out. I'm hoping to be very productive here during that time.
#(( ima be honest chat. it has not been a good week. i had a full blown meltdown the other night.#and I've not really been responding to messages cuz I've just been in my bubble trying to keep it from popping.#but these days off will be needed. work being consistently busy combined with IRL drama of the very unkind and toxic variety#... i have been very not myself and very drained. it's time for a break. and I'm so happy that break starts tomorrow.#ima go buy my lil shadow the hedgehog goodies and then enjoy my own company in my hotel room.#i hope y'all are well. thank you for being patient and delicate with me. hope to be back to myself soon. ❤️#and for my fellow 'muricans... take some time for yourself today okay? buy yourself a nice pastry.#a pretty beverage. something you've been eyeing. we all deserve it if only to confirm a bit of happiness on this day of uncertainty.#that's all i have to say on the matter. ))#;; oh jeeze what now? ( ooc )#;; tbd
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chat. chat i have a question. i know ive always had guilt when it comes to getting things for myself, but like. would it be stupid to drop like $116 on the special editions of two games ive been wanting for a while (now because one of which is on sale)? i mean, ive been saving my money literally all summer to use for myself like i haven’t bought anything i didn’t need and i KNOW im not gonna blow through all of it in school because i don’t go anywhere & dont do shit and i know it’s my money and i can do what i want with it but. idk. it feels stupid. is it stupid or is my brain stupid??
(extra context in tags ig idk)
#i mean i got paid like $700 last week and i get paid one more time next week before i’m off for school but still :/#like. like is thinking it’s stupid reasonable or should i. ahem. ‘treat myself.’#the two games in mind have a TON of content so i know they’re gonna keep me busy for a LONG time so that’s kinda why i wanna get them;m#so i can have long grundy games to keep me occupied and not really want to get anything else for a long time you get me?#i know $116 won’t be a lot from my $3000 account but like. still. idk. :/#ofc i have to jump through the many hoops of setting up a paypal to use in the nintendo eshop#or i could just. ask my sister to help me unlink & relink her card so it doesn’t charge hers instead (because her card’s linked for NSO)#but aside from that i could have that shit like. tonight.#not like i play games a lot on the days i have work because i get home so late but still y’know?#i think it would be a nice ‘good luck back at school’ gift for myself#because i love skyrim & pokemon i really do but that’s literally all ive been playing for like over a year now i need to spice it up :/#anyway chat should i or should i not?#grace being stupid#text post#personal
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sixth day at my new school and i didn't sit alone at lunch today 🥳🥳
#woohoo!!#some girls invited me to sit with them so i did and chatted to them and this other guy#some of them are in my classes!! they were all very nice#honestly i was aiming to just try and fit in with the cishet boys and last week when i heard the rumour i was gay i was kinda freaked out#but i've scoped out the situation and it's not unsafe to be out (as bi. not anyone's business i'm trans)#so i realise it's better to just be open and have better chances of finding the right people than living in fear and squashing myself to--#--fit in with the wrong people. bc if i can't be fully myself around someone then why would i want to be good friends with them??#so yar i'll stick with other queer guys and supportive girls. gay guy/straight girl friendships are stereotypical but it's an ecosystem tha#works in a situation like high school tbh#ooo and i guess he was away today but the guy from a couple of my classes who i think is cute is in that group so added bonus#o and actually unrelated but at recess i went to this queer group thing i was invited to by a teacher last week#(recess is first and lunch is sceond)#i wasn't sure if i was going to go (mostly bc of my 'blend in' mindset) but i'm glad i did!! it was pretty nice#mostly just nice to get an idea of 'safe' people and teachers yaknow#'people and teachers' -- those aren't two mutually exclusive categories of being ajdsgjf but ykwim#and if i didn't go then i probably wouldn't have been in the better mindset for being just myself with everyone at lunch#so wahoo yippee :D#now i just needa keep talking to everyone and putting myself out there a bit more and i'll find the right people :)
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i really do self sabotage when it comes to irl dating 😭💀
#spilling tea like you guys are my irls#first of all i’m chronically single#i dont do dating apps or casual sex (anymore. 2.5 years celibate by choice... which is a whole other story c: )#and second of all anytime anyone shows interest in me i am 🏃♀️💨 running away#even if they’re cool#😭😭😭😭😭#i *am* the problem. THAT i know#there’s this person who i’ve known for a very long time and they've been trying to take me out for a year#(very casually not pushy at all)#first time i said yes but my travelling got in the way. eventually we stopped talking but then we started again some time later#and when they asked to do something again - i got scared so told them i was sick (WHICH I WAS BUT HFJGJGJGJ IDK)#and THIS time he mentioned it again#and i umm didn’t respond until after 6 days#i know i know i’m awful#but here’s the thing#IM TRAVELLING AGAIN#FOR A WHOLE MONTH THIS TIME#so if it even happens it’ll be pushed back once more#but like i said we've known each other for a long time so it's always been brought up in a casual way. nothing that really screams DATE#although i can tell the tone of it is a lil more than friendly#i’m just glad he’s super nice and older than me (so he doesn’t rlly care about late replies and all that. usually when i respond late he#replies right away)#and we both keep ourselves busy with work#AND HE LIKES ANIME TOO LMFAO HE DRESSED UP AS SUKUNA ONCE#so like#i need to do better#💀💀💀💀#commitment is scary DATING IS SCARY#i just don’t want to date until i’ve achieved some personal goals but at the same time i don’t want to limit myself you know#HOWEVER i can’t have high expectations for my partner when i don’t have high expectations for myself
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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worked four sections today bc we were so understaffed. i had 20 tables. a normal section is about 5/6 tables. the way i didn't maul anyone will go down in the guiness book of world records as strongest silly guy alive
#MY FEET HURT!!!#like my sister worked at a HUGE place one time and she had around 20 tables to a section#and she has complained loudly and at length that it's just not something that works#like a single waitress CANNOT take a section that big especially when it consists of tables ranging from 2 people#to 15 people like that's a ridiculous amount of customers relying on a single amount of staff#and that was in a place that was BUILT TO WORK LIKE THAT#MY PLACE IS VERY MUCH NOT BUILT TO WORK LIKE THAT#WE HAVE ONE WAITRESS TO A SECTION AND TWO ON THE BIGGER SECTION NORMALLY! NOT THIS!#IT WAS INSANE#i was soooo lucky we werent busy bc it meant i wasn't slammed off my feet but there was a constant flow of things to do#like i could JUST keep up with the tide of it if that makes sense#but i knew if i fucked up even minutely then id lose it and get overwhelmed#not a fun position to be in#ALSO I DROPPED A FUCKING PLATE#FOUR YEARS OF WAITRESSING AND I FINALLY DROPPED A PLATE IM GONNA KILL MYSELF#IT'S BC THIS BOY WAS TRYING TO BE NICE BY STACKING HIS PLATES BUT HE DID IT IN SUCH A TWATTY WAY#AND THEIR TABLE WAS LITERALLY THEE FARTHEST ONE FROM THE KITCHEN I NEVER STOOD A CHANCE TRULY#IT WAS MORTIFYING THE TABLE NEXT TO WHERE I DROPPED IT WERE SO ANNOYING ABOUT IT#like they were TOO nice about it the bloke asked me like 4 times if i was okay i was like YES IM FINE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT#then i dropped a wine glass like an hour later should've just quit right there and then#the lad i was on shift with went for his fag break at one point and i was joking with him like 'oh you slacking off?'#this boy goes 'im having a fag break for each thing you break' COME ON 😭😭😭#i am hateful today. i am very sleepy#hella slaves to capitalism
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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I am generally not an anxious person, because one of the primary ways in which I fail at interacting with human society is by not caring what other people think about me. So for example, I don't worry about failing a social interaction. I might worry about some downstream consequence if there's something specific I want related to the interaction like a promotion at work, but I don't imagine people hating me unless they literally walk up to me and go "I hate you." (This has never happened.) Does this sound great to you, if perhaps you are one of my anxious friends reading this? Well, try reading it again with emphasis on the "not caring" and then think about how many of your relationships are based around caring about people. This isn't something I do willingly, this is a broken link in my brain where I don't reach out and I barely ever think of reaching out and then I promptly go insane when removed from my normal structure because I was dependent on work to provide a bare subsistence amount of social interaction.
This is to say, I am on vacation and I have been reminded why I really hate taking vacation.
#this one is for everyone who reblogged that --👤👤 post#also work keeps me too busy to think about the ways in which I am still fundamentally broken and scarred which is very nice#maybe I will manage a functional relationship some time in the next decade if I keep throwing myself at that#however if I cannot make the connection that is denied to me then you know Maybe Not#I have at least gotten a bit better at this (via throwing myself at it for a decade) (not exaggeration unfortunately)
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It’s okay and normal to get pissed off at your friends. It is normal and okay!
#I can’t be specific on this cus idk who follows me#But idk I just get a bit pissed when one person is exclusively nice to their partner#And has to constantly say things for their partner#And do things for their partner#Because their partner won’t just tell me if I do something wrong it has to be made everyone’s business so that someone else can tell me#I don’t like it when someone gets special treatment Al the time and I just get told to kill myself in a friendly way!!#And everyone can call me a twink too because it’s funny to them I guess#Idk i just#i just don’t like this guy and I keep trying to but I just don’t like him.#Apparently I make him cry all the time because I hurt his feelings but he doesn’t tell me#I hate to break it to you but you have to spell shit out to me#Im angry so I’m going to work out. Also I’m having more fucking hunger pain ugh#Idk if anyone’s reading this far but If you happen to know what it means when you feel hungry but when you eat you feel nauseous and you ha#Vertigo#lmk lmao
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the universe decided retail wasn’t enough and that i needed to be nerfed (with a cold) and i am suffering because of it.
#🌀 — later guys! i’m outta here. ❪ ooc. ❫#vent //#kinda#been REALLY busy with work the past couple weeks so my energy to do anything really has a been a little stagnate#i am almost done with frontiers though. on the last island#i think after i beat it and rewatch the cutscenes i'll get to work on revamping this blog#i've come to the conclusion that i'm definitely gonna remake - it'll be nice having a clean canvas to work with#i would also like to actually sit down and get myself caught up on idw#not sure if i'll establish an idw verse or if i'll just keep rolling with idw just being part of his main verse yet#honestly i've been meaning to sort that out too dskfjs#lots to do... but i think it'll be worth it in the end
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