#gastrointestinal fuckery

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

“The labs found something wrong!” 😊😌

“The labs found something wrong!” 😥😔

The two moods when labs actually come back with stuff out of range and clearly not right™️.

[arctic-hands]

Y ECZEMA IN SUMMER?? U GO BACK TO WINTER TIME NUISANCE 😡

[hussyknee]

I'm so fucking mad.

Yesterday I took 50mg of Atomoxetine (Strattera) out of sheer frustration instead of my prescribed 30mg which was doing nothing.

And then...I was like "get up" and I would get up. "Go find the electricity bill" and went and found the electricity bill. "Sort through all the mail and organise it" and just. Fucking. Did it. No getting stuck for half an hour and spiralling in anxiety because my executive commands weren't going through.

I went to the hospital and begged those fuckers to increase my dosage and spent half an hour trying to convince them that this is clearly my ADHD symptoms being exacerbated by anxiety that's fucking me up. They refused, said "Oh, but anyone would find it difficult to function in your situation", and increased my Venlafaxine (Effexor) instead, although that fuckin plateaus any further than the dosage I already take. My primary doc knows this, but I have better luck catching Bigfoot than her at NHSL anymore so I keep having to tussle with the junior dipshits.

Granted I seem to have overshot a bit, because I spent a while vibrating into the fifth dimension. Felt like I'd had six cups of coffee and needed to do three things at once. Perhaps I should have attempted 40mg first. But 50mg very much did catapult me out of this neverending rut.

WEEKS OF BEING TRAPPED BY THE STATIC IN MY BRAIN LIKE A ROOMBA ON A RUG. I couldn't get out of bed, eat on time, shower, make my bed, do my laundry, go to bed. The simplest fucking tasks like pushing a boulder uphill with a stick. Sitting on the bed doomscrolling and tearing the soles of my feet into strips so bloody that it hurt to walk. I don't pick at my feet anymore! Didn't even realize I hadn't until the end of yesterday. This is the first time I've stopped in months. I stock up on band-aids and keep them next to my bed because I usually bleed in about three places within a day. And I pick the scabs off the still-healing wounds. All stopped by 20mg more of Strattera!!!

In other medication fuckery, I stopped the anti-inflammatory meds I was taking for my back because 1) the total cost of my meds was getting insane and 2) I haven't been in pain the last two months. I looked up whether there were side effects for long-term use of NSAIDs and found that using any of them with Venlafaxine increases the chance of gastrointestinal bleeding?? The way I've been having all this time?? Was my rheumatologist ever gonna tell me?? I'm just so used to flares, so fogged in my head and so relatively pain-free that I didn't especially note it. Turns out– the only reason I haven't been in pain is because I was taking the fucking anti-inflammatories. Imagine that! So I can either take Venlafaxine (which I cherish like a child regardless of the wrath-of-God withdrawal any time I miss a single dose) or I can take NSAIDs??

*googles anti-inflammatory meds other than NSAIDs*

Internet: "eat pineapple idk. have you tried tumeric?"

I hate my life.

[cuntess-carmilla]

TW: Weight loss, dieting, food restriction.

Ok, so I'm not gonna pretend I'm eating less For My Health, I'm doing it because I almost started crying the other day when I saw my selfies from early 2021 and I was so much thinner, BUT...!

Alright so one of my big chronic illness nightmares is MCAS aka my immune system releases histamine hysterically for no fucking reason all day every day, which leads to things such as:

Chronic fatigue (because the fatigue I get from my brain being chronically deprived of enough oxygen and the fatigue I get from chronic joint pain weren't enough I guess).

Migraines and headaches.

Nausea.

Dizziness.

Poor nutrient absorption.

Either peeing out of my ass for an hour or not taking a singular shit in over a week and a half no matter how much I eat, no in-between.

Breaking out in hives, either with a concrete allergic trigger or just like, if I'm too sad, angry or stressed (HELL ILLNESS).

Hair thinning.

Soft tissue inflammation aka lots of joints getting locked into place which is extra terrible when you're PRONE TO SPONTANEOUS PARTIAL DISLOCATIONS. Also can't sing because tight throat.

Dry eyes.

Clogged nose and difficulty breathing.

Lots of extra gastrointestinal issues.

Fucks with my heart rate and blood pressure as if I don't already have POTS.

Brain fog. Stupid bitch disorder.

Anxiety, irritability and depression, because why not.

FEVERS. THE FUCKING FEVERS.

Anyway, so, the way the body acquires histamine in order to cause me all of the hell I just described is in big part through food, right? Even food that's low on histamine (and all the good foods are HIGH on histamine because of course they are), it still has SOME histamine.

And like, I've noticed for years too that the more fatigue I'm experiencing the more I crave food because my body is both stupid and smart. Smart enough to realize that we're abnormally fatigued and we need to do something about it, but dumb enough to assume it's because I'm not eating enough carbs rather than because I have THREE chronic illnesses.

So, anyway, these past like, four days I've made a lot of effort to reduce what I eat by a lot (not to an unhealthy degree, I'm still feeding myself reasonably) and it was really hard the first couple of days, but it's getting easier.

The thing is since yesterday I've started noticing that my autoimmunity has been down considerably. I'm A LITTLE less fatigued, BUT now I'm shitting like a normal person? It's not diarrhea but I'm also going semi-regularly, AND it's a normal color instead of the blue-green that indicates I'm having autoimmune fuckery going on in my digestive track.

My hair is falling off A LITTLE less, and yesterday was the first day in over a year in which I don't actively wish I was dead every single second I breathe. My skin is starting to calm down a little bit too. Oh, and I had enough brain power to listen to a lot of music yesterday while ACTUALLY processing what I was hearing instead of everything sounding like white noise in my ears.

It sucks because yummy food is Literally one of the very few pleasures I have left in life but if this helps the autoimmunity... I think I'm willing to cut down on that one pleasure significantly.

[cosmicfleaux]

TRIGGER WARNING - mentions of abuse, brief description of suicidal ideation, general ableist fuckshit

HELP NEEDED- NEURODIVERGENT BLACK WOMAN WHO COULD BE KICKED OUT BY ABUSIVE AND ABLEIST FAMILY IN A COUPLE MONTHS

So my family has made it clear where they stand with respect to my mental health, well-being, and their expectations. Despite me continuously demonstrating how stressful and demanding work and college have been for me, despite my struggling for a year and a half to find a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist to meet my needs as a Black neurodivergent woman, despite the abdominal and back pain and fatigue I’m experiencing (aka a byproduct of years of anxiety-induced hyper-vigilance), despite the general fuckery of the world, it is still imperative for me to find a job within a couple months and begin contributing. Their reasoning is that plenty of people who are suffering (even those with terminal illnesses) manage to work.

I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation throughout my childhood. It’s taken me a long while to observe the dysfunctional and debilitating dynamics present in my family, most notably with my covert narcissist mother. Up until late 2019, I was on the more “high-functioning” end of depression and anxiety (obviously in the capitalistic sense) in the sense that I constantly overwhelmed myself with full-time course loads in school, work weeks ranging from 20-40 hours, and all kinds of attempts at adulting and creative projects.

I’ve had a series of depressive episodes/burnout periods since moving back to my mother’s house in late 2019, resulting in severe weight loss and gastrointestinal issues. I’ve been dealing with classic narcissistic behavior—constant guilt-tripping and undermining/belittling/invalidation of my emotions and reality. While she expected me to serve as her emotional regulation/narcissistic supply, she was all kinds of quiet when it came to observing me starving and otherwise neglecting my physiological needs as I descended deeper into depression. Because of pressure from my mother, I briefly went back to work as an in-store grocery shopper, but began struggling with demotivation and suicidal thoughts. She has been able to procure remote work and not found herself needing financial help at all during this pandemic, but still shared that she felt I needed to contribute for the sake of contributing—so many implications that I am indebted to her because she birthed and clothed and raised me and all that bare minimum shit. When I told her I wanted to quit the shopper job because I was beginning to fantasize about throwing myself down the stairs so that I wouldn’t have to work or exist anymore, her response was, “Well, you need fo decide whether or not you’re going to your shift. What are you going to tell people about your resume gaps im the future?”

She constantly complained to my older sister about my perceived slights (aka symptoms of having depression and ADHD) in order to get my sister to have me correct my behavior. She liked to compare me to my father, who she split from when I was a baby, when she felt I was rejecting her (aka expressing individuality and not complying with her every order). This was also all happening amongst the backdrop of my grandmother’s health rapidly declining due to breast cancer and, you know, a public health crisis.

In July of 2020 I moved in with my grandfather (mother’s father) to get breathing space and begin taking care of my physical and mental health, only to find myself dealing with similar fuckery and emotional abuse. I try to isolate myself as much as possible for the sake of my health and peace, and this has been interpreted by my family as rejection—they have always been defensive and emotionally explosive when I try to have a respectful conversation about how some of their behaviors and expectations have been harmful. They diminished my diagnoses and my attempts to psycho-educate them. In their eyes, depression is a white person thing and I simply lack the resilience gene that allows black people to simply “push through” various forms of disenfranchisement.

I have not been able to receive government aid due to not meeting certain qualifications and struggling to find help (case managers, social workers, etc.) that will actually provide genuine assistance to complete exceedingly overwhelming and triggering paperwork. I have done all kinds of gig stuff at the expense of my 20-year-old car. I’ve found myself so overwhelmed while trying to self-advocate in various spaces (medical, psychiatric, domestic), that I’ve begun to stammer when especially distressed. I have crying spells throughout the day. I vascillate between scrambling to create accommodations for myself to get my to-do list done and hibernation mode. I struggle to meet my needs (maintaining hygiene, preparing food and grocery shopping). I’ve reached out to a few resources with help looking for jobs for those with disabilities, but I’m in the middle of the harrowing process applying for disability so I don’t know when I will have access to accommodations.

But to be honest, I’m tired of putting myself through the process of job search stuff when I’m already crumbling under the weight of trying to find resources to get away from my abusive and ableist family, meeting my needs despite debilitating mental illnesses, and self-advocating and dealing with bureaucratic mess. I’m not sure I can get a job and maintain it in the time given, and my grandfather has threatened to throw me out of his house before.

I have very little savings left and asking my family for help has only led to ridicule and deeply invasive and controlling behavior. I want to thank everyone who’s shared my previous posts and sent donations, and urge you to continue passing this along because I might be homeless in a couple of months and agonizing about it every day is…a lot.

I’m on a waitlist for a housing situation and am worried about moving expenses, food, my phone bill, car insurance and whatever I may procure medically because I’m seeing a gastroenterologist and health through Medi-Cal has been abysmal, to say the least.

CashApp/Venmo/PayPal: cosmicah44

$439/$3000

Please signal boost !!!!

[dearophelia]

tmi; cw bodily functions

i would just like to state for the record

that nausea and diarrhea and other gastrointestinal pyrotechnics

are fucking lousy side effects

like if i’m meant to have a five-hour medical endeavor every week for eternity, and then come home to wild nausea, tastebud fuckery, and needing to run to the toilet at the drop of a hat lest i shit my pants again that week,

i should have — at the very least — been able to keep my hair

and i very much demand a refund on this whole cancer business

[somecunttookmyurl]

alright tmi but there is an approximately 0% chance of my psychiatrist knowing bc he literally relies on me to tell him what drugs do and google is being quiet on the matter so

i finally got antipsychotics after 14 (count ‘em!) years of actual fucking psychosis but they cause excessive gas/bloating/stomach pain/general gastrointestinal fuckery and because i can literally never catch a FUCKING break i’m now just constantly in the bathroom on top of the neverending list of side effects from all my other meds so

people on quetiapine (seroquel) who ended up with that unfortunate cluster of side effects: DOES IT STOP. PLEASE TELL ME IT STOPS

[kaninchenzero]

@dandelionofthanatos gets me ♡

[ao3feed-tolkien]

The One With Tractability

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2jsNTvD

by epphfervescent

Angband is home to many dark disasters and darker holes to hide them, so many not even Morgoth might know all of them, and if he does, he indulges them in their chaos. Maybe that's why it takes weeks for them to find you.

Words: 2917, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 2 of Angband shorts

Fandoms: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Rape/Non-Con

Categories: Other

Characters: Maedhros | Maitimo, Sauron | Mairon, Orc(s)

Additional Tags: Pheromones, Rape, Unethical Experimentation, Breeding, Torture, Angband, light gore, Tentacles, Come Inflation, Anal Sex, Anal Gaping, Double Anal Penetration, Oral Sex, Oviposition, Eggpreg, Belly Kink, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Pregnancy Kink, Forced Pregnancy, Egg Laying, Oral Oviposition, gastrointestinal fuckery, Trans Character, Bestiality, Mpreg, POV Second Person, Sauron Being an Asshole, i think it's great that that's an established tag, Emetophilia, Vomiting, Past Rape/Non-con, Stuffing, Inflation

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2jsNTvD

[epphfervescent]

Really loving the slime stuff with Sloane and I would love to see a slime go all out with him. Constantly changing size and shape inside him and moving up and down his intestines giving him the worst stomach ache ever.

The slime’s usually crammed in Sloane’s stomach, but sometimes it’ll drip down his gut, meandering him to a full bowel—and other times, it’ll plummet, the swell of it bubbling back and forth as if it’s frotting against his intestines…hell, maybe it is…

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I love semi-regurgitating food I ate 5.5hrs ago. God stomach why?

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I’m getting sent back to gastro. I’m so frustrated. My iron levels have tanked again and we have no idea why. I got an iron infusion in December and my levels were good in March. Infusions are supposed to hold up at least a year. I got less than 6months. I’m seeing a different gastro to get a second opinion on everything, but I’ve had a clear endoscopy and colonoscopy, and my biopsies are clear. I have the coeliac gene but the biopsies ruled it out (and I was eating gluten right up until my endoscopy- i know cutting it out can give false negatives). I’m not pooping blood and I haven’t had my period in 584 days (yay artificially stopping the hell cycle). I’m not loosing blood, I haven’t suddenly stopped eating meat - although I’ve never really eaten much read meat- and I try to get other things with iron it. Legumes in my soup, tofu, occasionally nuts. Fortified cereals and bread. I’m just so so frustrated. It doesn’t help that I’ve been in the worst fatigue flare of this year right now and my iron levels are probably partially responsible. And now I’m starting to interrogate the GI mini-flares I’ve the past few months that I’ve been attributing to getting my covid booster and to making some slightly not great dietary choices. But maybe it’s something else. This is what I mean when I say I don’t feel like I ever have stability in my health, and that’s so stressful to come up against. Whether something is actively going wrong at the minute or not, I can’t seem to rely on perceived stability. I’m so tired of it sometimes.

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

The club no one wants to be a part of: the 2am nausea club

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

Tell me you have gastroparesis without telling me you have gastroparesis: I am eating salted lime jelly while cooking my soup of the week. Semi-liquids ftw.

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I graduated from my bachelor degrees yesterday. It still feels like a bit of a dream.

I’ve got two fancy pieces of paper now, and a fancy hat, and a feeling of pride that I made it through uni, let alone while my health crashed and burned around me, through multiple investigative surgeries and procedures, and so many diagnoses, in the midst of a global pandemic. I, and many of my friends, and my peers, we made it.

But the day took a huge toll on me. Wake up early to get ready. Ready includes the waist-high compression stockings I sometimes don’t have the strength to put on. Struggle with them for a solid while. A beautiful dress, with pockets!! Wear sensible shoes, with a low heel and additional arch support. Worry about tripping or fainting while walking the stage for a good long while. Instead, trip and fall on the way to registration, banging my knee onto carpet covered concrete. Ouch. Sit in the shade, with sunnies on, hoping I don’t develop a migraine while waiting for doors to open for us to be seated in the hall. Walk the stage without any issues, but lean heavily on the bannister as I cautiously take the steps off the stage. Let loose and allow myself a glass of champagne to celebrate after. Roll my ankle again, walking to a photo location after the ceremony. Start to feel exhausted, but know we still have dinner plans. Majorly enjoy dinner, almost forgetting that my stomach will hate me for it later. Still had to take my meds, still had to pay attention to most of my pain and migraine mitigation strategies on this day that’s so special, but cannot be just about me, because it is also about my managing my illnesses and how they are never going away.

So here I am at home, resting, nursing a twice sprained ankle, a sore knee, a gastro intestinal tract that can’t deal with the excitement and nerves and lovely celebration dinner, a flu-like feeling and thermoregulation issues and malaise (so a fatigue flare up basically). But it was worth it.

I did it. And I’m going to keep doing it at my own pace as long as I can. I’ve been accepted for an honours year (or 2- part time) and I hope to do more after that. Disabled and chronically ill people belong in academia. Our voices are important.

[chronicillnesscaneffoffplease]

I love you up&go I love you soups of every kind I love you low fat yogurt I love you rice crackers I love you well steamed veggies with lots of salt I love you electrolyte drinks I love you bananas I love you low fat ice cream I love you fancy salt collection (looking at you truffle salt) I love you berry smoothies I love you vegemite toast