#Jaskier is a menace

[life-as-a-gamergirl]

Lord!Jaskier and Commander!Geralt AU part 2

You can find the first part here.

A good morning

Geralt: *knocking once and coming into the young lord's room at the previusly agreed hour ready to scort Jaskier in the castle to attend his duties* "My lord, I'm here to…"

Jaskier: *standing in a sexy pose, which is completely by chance and not planned at all, in the middle of the room,only in his underwear, which is casually the pair that makes his ass look better* "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. Is it time to go down already? I must have lost myself looking at the view. Isn't it lovely?" *turns his head towards the window, showing off his neck and arching his back a bit more.*

Geralt: *face completely neutral, keeping his eyes respectfully above the young lord's neck.* "I'll wait for my lord outside" *does a small bow keeping his eyes locked with Jaskier's, turns around and leaves.*

Jaskier: oh you're a hard one, uh? Even more fun. Let's see how long you can resist my charm.  

*Horny evil bard-lord cackling noises.*

Meanwhile outside his room

Geralt *as red as a tomato* what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

[spielzeugkaiser]

You said Lambert would have a field day with deaged Geralt and Jaskier? Would he be a menace? Would Eskel melt at them being all tiny?

Lambert doesn't know how to deal! He's not prepared for a Geralt who looks at him wide eyed (brother??) and doesn't say anything. (Geralt is absolutely the kid that needs some time till he warms up with people).

[thelostgirl21]

Radovid experiencing all 3 stages of fanboying within literally the first 1 minute and 59 seconds of laying eyes on Jaskier.

[plotvichka]

Family doing baby Ciri's hair

I think everyone agrees Geralt is the "messy pigtails" kind of dad and there's really nothing else to discuss.

Meanwhile Yen allows Ciri to choose a hairstyle every morning (and she can do incredibly complicated ones if her daughter wants her to) and Ciri decides to match with her mommy every. single. morning. So Yen ends up always doing the same hairstyle twice: one for herself and one for Ciri. She never shows how she feels about it, but Geralt can see her teary smiles when she turns away from Ciri.

And Jaskier is the uncle who lets her go crazy with her hair and she comes home to her parents with a ton of sparkly hair clips and a couple of strands dyed in bright colors. He's not allowed to be alone with her for the next month after that as Yen is still planning his murder.

Uncle Eskel totally loves to braid her hair. Vesemir tells Ciri to do her hair herself because she is a big girl after all and Ciri agrees.

After a day spent with uncle Lambert literally no one can tell he brought the wrong child before all the mud is cleaned and there's a random kid instead of Ciri.

And no, sorceresses are NOT allowed to see Ciri. Even Triss. The girl betrayed her "little sis" more than once why would anyone trust her again. The lodge of sorceresses is like a bunch of evil godmothers who no one chose to be godmothers but they decided it themselves and now they are here.

[flootzavut]

I hope it posts the video but I'm putting the source tweet in the appropriate box 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

ETA: someone said something about the alt text and I genuinely couldn't remember what I'd written, and tumblr doesn't seem to give me an option to look at alt text on the app, so I went back to check and then laughed because it was accurate. So for anyone who doesn't have the ability to read it natively on your device, please enjoy, because ngl I was right:

Joey smiling cheekily in a way that says he knows exactly what he just did and he's thoroughly pleased with himself for it

[thedemonofcat]

It isn't until Jaskier has grown older that Geralt decides to search for a potion to restore and preserve his youth.

Jaskier refuses to retire, and in his advanced age, he's become too much of a menace to society.

[tielmamon]

A mage kidnaps Jaskier and sets him with a sleeping curse as a way to prove that witchers are heartless, bloodthirsty monsters themselves who know nothing but to kill-

Geralt swifty makes his way to Jaskier, who is currently laying dramatically on the ground near a tree. Just as quick, he places a soft almost playful kiss on the bard's sleeping lips and-

"Get up, come on." Geralt rumbles unhelpfully, smacking the bard's face a few times, smirking down at Jaskier who yawns right in his face.

"Shit, again? What is with you mages and true love kiss curses? And always around this time of the year too! Are you all just collectively lonely and bitter nearing Belletyn?" The bard hauls himself up, yawning once more while he leans on his witcher's side. A warm, armoured hand clasps the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

"Are you complaining?" With a bark of laughter, Jaskier answers with a kiss on the cheek.

"Hardly. Just wish there was a bit more variety, you know? Say, oh i don't know, true love's blow j-" He receives a smack up the back of his head and a chuckle at his side.

"Fuck off and find the amulet for the contract-" With a flourish, Jaskier pulls the amulet out of his coat pocket

"All done, darling. Do keep up." The mage watches from the sidelines, still tied up and horrified and embarassed. The two turn to him, one looking menacing and the other smiling brightly down at him. He's not quite sure which one he fears more.

[catscraftsandcommentary]

So I had some time to think tonight at work (in between operating heavy machinery, swearing at the materials, and trying to keep the line running, fun times!) And I asked myself, "self, hypothetically, what might @inexplicifics Accidental Warlord AU look like in another generation or two - once people really get used to witchers being The Good Guys (TM) and helping out?"

And I was like "well, they'd probably get invited to social events - ooh! Who'd like which events best?!? What would that look like?"

Geralt, as we all know, detests anything too formal or Warlord-focused. He enjoys weddings and receptions, but his TRUE favorite is baby christenings. Seriously. Put him in a room with a tiny baby and he's happy as a clam. He'll happily growl away (or weaponize his puppy-dog eyes against) grannies, aunties, and other family members to hold the baby for as long as possible. He's also 90% of the reason that witchers are now rumored to be able to bless babies.

When Mouse and Treyse bring this new rumor to the council, everyone has to just sit. And process for a minute. Because what the ever-loving fuck?!? (Jaskier immediately writes the sweetest lullaby ever, "A Witcher's Blessing", and it is the ONLY song that Geralt ever sings in public, and only ever to babies and small children. Multiple women blame this for their immediate conceptions.)

Jaskier adores weddings and festivals of all types, and if a happy couple includes details of how they met and/or fell in love with their wedding invitation, there's at least a 50% chance that he'll show up to the wedding with a personalized love song, holy shit.

Ciri loves tourneys. Loves watching them, loves displaying in them, loves sneaking into competing in them (omg, heir, NO), loves WINNING them. She's a menace. She has various stealth coats of arms that she rotates between when she's not supposed to be competing, but her favorite is the battle goose. Obviously.

Eskel doesn't like crowds or being the center of attention, which are almost inevitable with public invitations, but he does enjoy being the +1 for his family. Several of his and their interests overlap, and even where they don't, he likes to see them enjoying themselves.

Yennifer becomes well-known as an extremely efficient - albeit terrifying - treaty negotiator. She'll talk to both sides, get a list of their must haves, deal-breakers, would-likes, and don't-wants (as well as - perhaps more importantly - the reason why each of those are on that particular list). Then she draws up a draft and viciously negotiates a compromise. She is genuinely surprised the first time that both sides thank her for her help.

Vesemir, with all his long years of teaching, loves visiting schools and seeing any sort of student performance or sporting event. Kindergarten to university, drama to music to dance recitals to track and field meets to football games to student symposiums to science contests to... He buys out bake sales and funds club field trips and donates several fortunes worth of antique knick knacks to various schools. He's invited as a guest lecturer, a commencement speaker, a competition judge, a referee.

Lambert and Aiden, at some point, discover bachelor's parties, call dibs, and never look back. People learn very quickly not to invite witchers to their stag nights unless they want the entire party to get horrifyingly drunk - but at least Lam and Aiden will make sure that everyone makes it home (or to the wedding) safely. Perhaps not soberly, or sans hangover, but definitely without major injury. (And if the bride asks nicely and the groom and friends weren't total jerks, Lambert can usually be counted on to make a hangover cure. He really is a softie at heart.)

Dragonfly and Serrit get tapped for the odd bachelorette party or ladies' birthday parties. Anything that falls under "I want to be able to drink and party with my friends without worrying about some strange guy hurting one of us." They are extremely protective and have both been drunkenly proposed to several times. (Livi finds this terribly amusing. Gweld just wants to know if he can watch.) Milena and Zofia sometimes go with them.

Milena loves going to wedding showers and baby showers, but outside Kaer Morhen, she has to stay in sight of Lambert or one of his brothers. Lambert's rule. (She got KIDNAPPED, okay? He's allowed to worry!) Usually she'll take Geralt (there might be babies! He's excellent protection!) or Eskel (he's very quiet and has excellent manners, and his signs are impossible to fight) for the more, ah, female-heavy events. If anyone asks, they're her brother-in-law and genuinely like spending time around kids. And very, very married.

[inexplicifics]

Hello! I was rereading With a Conquering Air (again lol) and I never considered before the tutor before Jaskier that was menaced with a toad. I can’t see them bringing in outsiders for the job, which limits the options to a Witcher or one of the sorcerers that came with Yenn. So now I have the hilarious mental image of a loyal sorcerer/ess who generally does good work for the wolf until they have to come back to Kaer Morhen just…extremely disgruntled every time they cross paths with Ciri 😂😂😂

This may explain why two of the sorceresses who came with Yen spend all their time out on the Path!

Honestly, though, I have to admit that since With a Conquering Air was meant, initially, to be a standalone, I didn't really figure out some of the loose ends. Like, oh, who that poor tutor was.

I think everyone's glad Ciri upgraded from toads to geese. Especially the toads.

[dapandapod]

I was asking my fantastic friend @sleepingreader what I should do this friday eve, and was told "I would love to see jaskier but he's a horrible swan". So here it is. I share it because frankly, I find myself hilarious. I'm not sorry. And thank you Ella-la, this made me laugh.

"…. What is going on?" Geralt asks, watching the mayhem happening on the village square.

Hissing and shrieking and mocking laughter made the soundtrack to a big, angry swan chasing a man around what seems to be his own stall of jewery.

"You know how Jaskier is a magpie?" Ciri says with an amused smile, leaning against the doorway to the inn with her hood up, braid carefully tucked out of sight. "Turns out the ring he tried out was cursed, and he is letting the owner know his thoughts about it."

Geralt moves to stand behind her, letting Ciri lean back against him as they watch the scene unfold.

The Jaskier-Swan is hissing in ways he usually credits things with contracts at them, nipping after the fat man, only to get a beak full of cheak silk trousers.

His pale ass is bared to the village square and more people are stopping to watch the spectacle, some not even bothering to hide their mirth behind their hands.

"He had it coming," someone says a bit further away.

"When would be a good time to intervene?" Geralt asks Ciri, enjoying the sound of her giggles and the shrieks of the vendor.

However, he isn't enjoying watching more and more of that pale ass, as his trousers slip lower and lower while trying to get away from the big, feathered beasts.

Ciri pretends to consider it, the panicking crook stumbling over his own feet, trouser slipping dangerously low, and Geralt makes the decision.

"Menace," he tells her, ruffling the top of her head over the hood.

"Hey!" She complains, but lets Geralt step past her and into the square.

The moment the swan notices him, he comes charging, hissing and honking with his wings spread, ranting in a bird way that is very much Jaskier's way of telling Geralt exactly what he needs to do to that man. Throwing a hissyfit has never been more fitting, Geralt thinks to himself with a smirk.

The vendor takes his chance and tries to slink off, but Jaskier whirls on him and with his neck low charges at him again.

Geralt wonders what Jaskier will think when he admits he has no idea to turn him back…

[life-as-a-gamergirl]

Lord!Jaskier and Commander!Geralt AU

First encounter

*In the Great Hall of the Pankratz' manor*

Lord Pankratz: "Son, I introduce to you Geralt of Rivia, new commander of the guards as well as your personal escort during your daily activities."

*Enter Geralt: clad in full armor that highlights his strong legs, narrow waist, wide shoulders, with his handsome face, mysterious-looking scars, beautiful golden eyes, luscious white hair. All in all Jaskier's wet dreams come true.*

Jaskier: *whispering to himself* “And hopefully also for the nightly ones because holy shi—” 

 Geralt: *kneeling in front of them* "My lords, Geralt of Rivia reporting for duty." *turning towards Jaskier* "It is an honour to meet you, Young Lord. I'm at your service."

Jaskier, already coming up with foolproof plans to seduce that God of a man: *horny evil bard-lord noises* "Pleasure's aaaaaall mine, my dear."

[0dde11eth]

We all agree that jaskier would be a MENACE and chaos incarnate when he gets to kaer morhen.

He has no fear of witchers and their muscles and scowling faces. So they have no idea how to get him to behave.

Once Lambert threatened to spank him if he didn't shape up. (cause he heard that kids hate that.) It did not have the effect on jaskier he was hoping for.

Even papa vesemir gets worn out from trying to wrangle both him and Lambert. So one of the most common phrases geralt hears In winter is " GERALT! come deal with your bard!"

Geralt wants to think he is very strict. But in reality, he's as lenient as the police on national free balloon day.

Geralt drags his bard over to the corner for a TIME OUT. It lasts less than 15 seconds. Even when he accidentally blew up the west tower.

They are both very dramatic when geralt calls the punishment off. Lots of sobbing and kissing and geralt carrying jaskier around for the rest of the evening.

***

The entire time jaskier shoots the other witchers the most obnoxious smug expressions over geralt shoulder as he carries him around whispering apologies for his "punishment"

[captainkirkk]

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

All the fics I’ve read and really enjoyed in the past week-ish. Reminder: This list features any and all ratings and themes. Please look at tags and warnings on ao3 before reading.

DC

fill in the blanks by mindshelter

"You?” Tim blurts. Holy shit. “You’re Kon?”

A nod. “Are you in any pain?” he asks again.

Kon’s skin is sun-kissed, cheekbones dusted with a fine smattering of freckles; he is, without exaggeration, the prettiest person Tim has ever seen. “No, I’m—great,” he says, fidgeting. “Do you, uh, come here often?”

Kon raises a brow. “To the medbay?” he intones. “Definitely more often than I’d prefer."

Fault Line by sElkieNight60 (+ podfic)

Part 1 of Tectonics

"You’re invulnerable…” he whispers, but it’s clear that fact falters in his mind.

Confusion writes its way into the lines on Conner’s face and Clark takes a step back as though physically pushed.

“You’re not invulnerable.”

It is a statement, dull like stone.

“N-no, sir.”

— 🦸 —

OR: Conner's not as invincible as Clark thought. Suddenly, he's a lot more human.

Danny Phantom x DC

The Business of Family by Spaced_Ace

Jazz remembered the way their parents loomed in the living room as they’d laid out that verdict. Ever-present weapons gleaming, standing in such a way that they blocked access to both the front and back entrances. Their eyes had been what struck her the most of that horrible tableau. What made her stomach fill with jagged stones and drenched her back in a frigid sweat. The way they looked at her little brother, their gazes cold and hollow and -

Hungry.

(Things are not well in Amity Park.

With the GIW getting more and more aggressive and their parents becoming ever more suspicious of Danny each day that passes, Jazz knows that they're running out of time. It's not safe, and their options are painfully limited. Out of sheer dumb luck or a little intervention from Clockwork, she manages to discover a distant relative that just might be their salvation.

If asked Oswald Cobblepot would say that it's just good business. Adopting a few kids had done wonders for Bruce Wayne's reputation, why not his? It's not like he can't afford to put them somewhere out of the way if they get to be a problem. It's just business. Nothing more.

(His soft heart says otherwise))

The Witcher

Words of Love by ForestWren

"I should warn you,” Jaskier said between kisses in the soft darkness of the shed, “That I know some… very interesting people. You may want to avoid meeting them.”

“I’ve dealt with the Redenian court for decades. Your friends can’t be worse than that.”

Five times Radovid meets Jaskier's friends and family, plus one time they are alone.

Star Wars x The Mandalorian

Master Skywalker: The Absolute Worst by PrinceJakeFireCake

"Din got to his feet. He patted Boba on the shoulder affectionately.

“You should watch the recording of Skywalker fighting the death troopers,” he said, then pressed a kiss to Boba’s cheek and told Grogu to stop eating his blocks.

Boba watched the recording. He was pretty sure he would never be the same again. He was positive that he never wanted to meet Skywalker ever again.”

Boba Fett falls for Luke Skywalker. It isn’t the funnest thing he’s ever done.

Original Works

Call Me Menace by wingedcat13

You, Synovus, are a respectably terrifying supervillain. Your main rivals, a pair of superheroes named Legionnaire and Athena, are actually respectable as heroes. You hate having to stoop to kidnapping their child - but you hate more what the kid's behavior implies.

if it don't hurt now (just wait a while) by quandaries_and_contradictions

Part 27 of mage in a wolf pack

When the hunters first take him, Jaime knows everything will be okay.

He’s scared, of course. He wants his mom and dad and little sister. But he knows it’s going to be okay — because the wolves who protect his town will come for him. Lada’s mother and father and papa won’t let the hunters get away with this. All he has to do is hold on until they get here.

Months later, he's not so sure.

Stranger Things

No One Rides For Free by weird_witchcraft

"Are you okay Harrington?” Eddie asks gently, “Need me to get anyone?”

“No one to get,” replies Steve, so soft Eddie barely catches it. “You think I want anyone seeing me like this?”

Eddie Munson stumbles across Steve Harrington crying next to a bush at Tina's party and makes it his mission to cheer him up.

Clone Wars

mirci't be uja by ihathbenobiwankenobied for whitchry9

Obi-Wan is usually good at keeping track of his blood sugar levels–because he has to be–but this time, it’s out of his control.

(Or, a diabetic Obi-Wan is thrown for a loop after crashing on an unknown planet. Stim does his best to keep his General alive)

[thelostgirl21]

English Translators: "Jaskier" translates as "Buttercup", but we can't just let a manly man use "Buttercup" as his nickname! That's way too feminine, and our readers would be horrified! Let's call him "Dandelion" instead. Yes, much better... Mucho macho...

Netflix & Joey Batey: Yeah, no. We'll just call him Buttercup by keeping the original Polish name, i.e. Jaskier.

So, this is our very own Prince Buttercup. He's a damoiseau in distress that's regularly in need of being rescued, enjoys chatting with animals, and might randomly break into song.

He feels very comfortable asking a strong, stoic, muscular man to accompany him to the Royal Ball for protection, and will attempt to convince him by rubbing chamomile onto his lovely bottom, giving him a bath, washing his stupid hair, and dressing him up in stylish, fine clothing.

He tends to see the good in everyone, and will spontaneously attempt to become friends with things that want to eat him (both figuratively and literally).

However he can occasionally become pretty condescending with commoners, and treat those that fail to appreciate his talent as beneath him; often with a complete disregard for his personal safety, as if it doesn't seem to occur to him right away that they'd actually dare lay their filthy hands on him.

He cries very pretty (so pretty), and will look at you with gorgeous doe eyes when he feels sad, hurt, scared, or needs a favor.

He's very distrustful and afraid of power-hungry sexy witches coming at him from many different angles, until they stop being all predatory and menacing, and begin rescuing and protecting him instead.

He gets along very well with other princes/princesses, and will resent not being invited to one of the most important social events of the Continent, but not getting to spend more time with them.

And he never experienced what romantic love truly was until he finally got to meet his very own Prince.

Obviously, Prince Radovid fell in love with our Buttercup at first sight, and was willing to give up his Kingdom for a chance to be by his side.

And as far as Prince Buttercup is concerned, he sees himself as a

because that's simply who he is, and that's also what masculinity looks like.

So, unless Jaskier, in the books, is a very insecure man that constantly worries about being mistaken for a woman, I can't help but find it hilarious that the translators of the books, in English, got so worried over "Buttercup" sounding feminine...

...when the character himself likely wouldn't have been bothered by the way it sounds in the least, and would totally have rocked that nickname while making it work perfectly for a guy!

Hell! As a non-native English speaker, other than the fact that I've seen the movie "The Princess Bride", and the princess in it was named "Buttercup", my brain does not at all perceive "Buttercup" as inherently feminine, nor "Dandelion" as inherently masculine.

Perhaps because, in French, each word has its own gender, and "bouton d'or" (i.e. "buttercup", but the literal translation would be "button made of gold") is masculine.

Un bouton d'or (a buttercup) is masculine.

Un pissenlit (a dandelion) is masculine.

Une rose (a rose) is feminine.

Une tulippe (a tulip) is feminine.

Etc.

"Princess Buttercup" is thus named "Princesse Bouton d'or" (it's actually the title of the movie) in French.

But "Bouton d'or" (Buttercup) is, by itself, a masculine word.

The funny thing is that, where I'm from, I think the dandelion is literally the single most hated flower I can think of.

When I was a kid, my parents - and pretty much all our neighbors - spent countless hours trying to remove every single dandelion they could find on their lawn and in their garden while making sure to fully eliminate the whole root, because they tended to replace all the grass, and some of the other flowers and plants from their garden.

Some of our neighbors had their lawns treated with very harsh chemicals (many of which are thankfully illegal today) in a desperate effort to get rid of them.

Dandelion always makes allergy season a complete and utter nightmare, makes it harder to breathe outside (those floating bits clouding the air always get stuck in your nose, throat or even eyes), it also clogs the air filter of your car...

And, when you cut them at the stem, your hands wind up all sticky and smelling awful.

Unless they want to make a point that they'll be extremely annoying, unwanted, sticky, smelly, trying to get into every single exposed orifice of your body as soon as you're exposed to them, and hard to get rid of, why would anyone ever wish to nickname themselves "dandelion"?

I mean, "pissenlit", the French name for "dandelion", comes from "pisse-en-lit" and literally means "peeing-in-bed".

Because if you eat dandelion leaves, they will make you pee and wet your bed (they have a strong diuretic effect).

Yes, we hate the dandelion so much, that we've decided to name that freaking flower "peeing-in-bed".

So, if you go from the original Polish name to the English translation of the name, and then translate the English name back to French...

You've essentially replaced:

Jaskier - > Buttercup - > Button made of gold (Bouton d'or).

By

Jaskier - > Dandelion - > Peeing-in-bed (Pissenlit).

It's hilarious!

All because some English translator got scared "Buttercup" would sound "too feminine".

The good news is that we kept Jaskier's name as "Jaskier" in the French translation of the books and the games. Although Bouton d'or would have worked just fine.

But yeah, come on! Jaskier would have made a beautiful Buttercup!

#the art of creating some gender issue where there's none.

When in doubt, just ask the character...

Would Jaskier have had what it took to call himself a "Buttercup"?

You bet your lovely bottom and bloated biceps he would have!

Still can't wrap my mind around him being a peeing-in-bed flower in English... Just... Nope! Does not compute.

[samstree]

“Really? No fangs?” Jaskier pouts. “What kind of a werewolf curse was this?”

“Lycanthropy hits everyone differently.”

Geralt hums as Jaskier dresses against the sunrise, still pale from being in wolf form all night.

Well, wolf is an overstatement.

The curse turned Jaskier into a very fluffy, not-at-all-menacing lap puppy with soft brown fur. With large, scared eyes and cuddly tendencies. He was trembling until Geralt held him close and murmured gentle things.

“What a shame,” Jaskier sighs, disappointed.

Geralt resists the urge to pet the brown hair that he now knows to be soft.

“Yeah,” he answers. “A shame.”

[thedemonofcat]

When Nifflgaard wants to stop Geralt from having any connection to Ciri, they decide the best way to do that is to stop Geralt from claiming the law of surprise.

Now Geralt only did because Jaskier had brought him to the banquet. So Nifflgraadian mage decides to go back to try and kill Jaskier before he and Geralt ever meet.

Upon learning about this, Geralt has Yennefer send him back in time to try and protect a younger Jaskier.

Coming face to face with a Child version of Jaskier is a bit Strange for Geralt, but he's determined to protect him from whenever the killer arrives. It does not help that Kid Jaskier is an absolute menace to society. To make things even more difficult, since Jaskier is nobility, it's not like Geralt can pick up the little Viscount and leave. Except for he can, as it turns out.

Juilan Alfred Pankratz is a child's surprise