#Its bad like my mental state
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This is the average conversation you can get, and this is what real bestfriend material is made of:
#Dont mind the quality#Its bad like my mental state#LOLOLOLL#anyways i luv her sm#Tho we have like a 3 year gap-#Still
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Silly guys goin' on silly adventures:]
@rorydrawsandwrites's puppeteer au but the only difference is that jax gives consent
My contribution to this wonderful au has been long overdue:')
Rambling in tags ehe (cw: ribbun:p)
Well maybe it's not the only difference
#I think in this version of the au possesion puts you into an almost dream-like state#Slipping into a sort of weird trance#Like physically you still have control of your body#But mentally you're mindlessly following orders from a disembodied voice#Kinda works like that imperius curse in harry potter (yes ik rowling sucks)#And jax soon figured out it was great for dissasociating😀#Escapism and heavily dependant on those possesion sessions to preserve his own mental stability:')#But *cue dramatic music🥁*#He eventually realises that it was not the possesion that brings him comfort and peace no more#But the presence and embrace of gangle that did<3💖💗💞#Jskhsskhj sorry that was so cheesy🧀#Well more or less its because he hadnt have human interaction in AWHILE it seems#Goose did confirm that it has been a long time since he last got a hug:(#*almost* made me feel bad there#Mkay enough rambling about this slight very minor variation of the story#I hope this whole thing was coherent to even be readable=]#Maybe ill even add emojis✨#tadc gangle#tadc jax#ribbun#the amazing digital circus#Tadc au#tadc fanart#tadc fandom#gangle x jax#jax x gangle#Let me have this guys#Let me indulge-#Her head is a tad bit too small yes IM AWARE#This is actually probably my fastest post to reach 100 notes wth (in like 7-8 hours)
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some business to take care of
#i was tempted to caption this as she was a skater boy and she was also another skater boy but#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#enstars#whats up guys im being embarrassing again on main#been wanting a new phone wallpaper and this was born. its the lesbian version though im not showing that#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#yuzumido#ensemble stars#also have additional doodles that r kind of corny and im too ashamed to add into the main post so i might add on a reblog or maybe not#midterms were so awful i had to keep reminding myself i can go ham drawing whatever i want once im done. and naturally its this#anyways ive always liked midos city rider fit it suits her so well#always wanted to find a good one to pair w it and the wink killer 2nd half xscout was toooo good i was inspired immediately#finally could use this good ref pic ive had saved since forever i need to draw backgrounds more too it was rather fun somehow#mental state has been yoyoing an insane degree lately like come on i dont need to be reminded i am a useless hunk of meat every other day#with nothing good going for them. college is amazing at reminding me of such god bless#i have bad tendencies to self isolate behind the excuse of concentrating that i am trying to fix . but its hard to get back when i do#not to mention the entire Big Event happening over in good ol amerika serikat!!! my apathy is naturally immense#but whats some peace of mind here and there idk. im gonna read yuri
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SAID HE LIKES CRAZY GIRLS,
BUT HE HATES WHEN I ACT CRAZY,
IT TAKES TWO TO TOXIC!
FINALLY!!! Finished these pics of jinx I’ve been working on!!!!! HOLY SHIT, these took so long…. But finally… they’re done… pls enjoy this art of my beautiful princess w a disorder. Featuring alternate colors for the big pic and also a closeup! Cuz I rlly like how both the lines and coloring on her face turned out… like the pink gradients w her eye… her deer in headlights expression,, like uve just startled a raccoon digging thru ur trashcan and r two seconds away from getting mauled.. m proud of it!
#arcane#league of legends#jinx#jinx arcane#arcane jinx#doodles#hate and love how hardcore I relate to jinx…#little sisters w dependency issues.. + a whole lot of other issues#anyway the ‘he’ in the ‘crazy girl’ lyrics is in my mind referring to both vi and silco lol#I’m sORRY! I keep seeing ppl hardcore pitting these 2 bad bitches against each other#and it’s like… silco is objectively. morally worse than vi.. vi is not like. a ruthless crime lord#vi IS 100% trying her best and loves her sister. but she still screwed up w jinx#and silco ALSO truly loves jinx. but also screwed up by fucking. trauma bonding w her ghgh-#like.. silco is too close. he’s like. yes go apeshit jinx I support and love you and understand u no matter what fucked up shit u do.#were the same. and that’s beautiful!!! I love how supportive he is…#but its like.. silcos too close. he just became a new person for jinx to glomp onto and base her self esteem around after vi left#and he doesn’t manipulate that on purpose but. he DOES effect that girls mental state. cuz he needs her too#meanwhile vi is too far away… she thinks she knows who jinx is. but jinx has changed… time marches forward. she’s not that little girl#anymore#and nOW! after the finale jinx has NOBODY TO BE CODEPENDENT W..#her mental state has always been so tied up in how the ppl she puts on pedestals view her#and now there’s no pedestal anymore. she knocked down the statues. she’s alone…#it’s interesting….#anyway I’m not trying to say vi is as bad as silco at ALL. just that she’s an equally important building block in jinx’s mind#that has made her into the fucked up lil person she is today. and I think that’s neat.#lol anyway! I’m hyped for season 2….#aLSO GOD DAMN THIS GIRLS OUTFIT IS COMPLICATED. WHY DO U GOT SO MANY BITS N BOBS JINX??? I mean I get it accessories rock.#but u take so much time to draw ghfhg- require so much brainpower#aLSO ADDENDUM. while silco is objectively morally worse than vi his relationship w jinx is genuinely. like. makes me emotional ghgh-#its not perfect. or healthy. but… it’s. the both of them. being seen. and accepted. and loved and understood.. and I love that shit.
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new rt everyone shes a freak whos pretty sure shes been been given the role of rogue trader as an act of divine intervention to eventually replace the godemperor and bring new glory to the imperium which she thinks is dull and stagnant. dont worry about why she keeps marazhai caged in her trophy room like he's bait its not important and completely irrelevant to the fact ive joke nicknamed her simon thresh. has anyone noticed a lot of slaaneshi demons during warp jumps lately
#warhammer rogue trader#rogue trader#marazhai aezyrraesh#von valancius#if i ever mention about marazhai going insane on the voidship this is what i want you to think of#understimulated predator animal in a cage claws itself open#its worse with her but i do think he generally feels kinda insane anyway#yeah he's tricked into thinking she's tolerable and a fair alternative to the arena then hes taken to the voidship#yrliet [who was the fixation until now] tries to warn him about her before getting her head bashed in infront of him#spirit stone smashed into shards for ritual use body dragged off for vague poor medical knowledge dissection#he is now thinking the arena might not be so bad after all. except he's got no way to back out of this so hes screaming clawing at the wall#shes not giving him up willingly and the only person who could take him by force is calcazar whos not a great alternative tbh!#so he gets to go insane being bait for the chaos god he's already ocd fixated is stealing his soul [on top of normal drukhari fears]#and he's not able to maul anyone else while locked up so its just him dealing with this alone! yay#she doesnt give a shit about pasqal until he gets xenotech in him. then he goes to the trophy room too for study/more grafts#heinrix is most likely captive in the trophy room too with his death faked so he cant snitch#idira Almost got in trouble too for the implant she gets from tervantias but then it breaks and this lass is just angry at her#the Only reason she doesnt feed her to the wolves and kick her out is her door. and she is now trying to force it open with a crowbar#abelard has to deal with her shit and manage it socially. he never thought he'd want to retire but fucking hell when can he quit#she likes jae mostly for her connections. toxic yuri theyre both using eachother#she briefly idolises achilleas for bringing her to commorragh but then finds out he did it under torture and didnt want to. mad at him#he can make it up to her once hes a wrack though [he is going next to marazhai. this will only improve both their mental states]#can you tell this freak is a piece of work yet#shes got screams of the damned volume 3 playing across the ship and shes having a great time but is completely deadpan the whole time#unrelated! you can finally see my idea of marazhai next to a normal fucking human good god. yeah i think hes huge
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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i think i genuinely just realized buddysim is your sideblog 🤦♂️ i yhought it was some guy
IT IS hehehe ... play my game boy ... boy ... play my game .... it will destroy you
youtube
To anyone that may be interested, Buddy Simulator 1984 is a psychological horror game about friendship! You play games with your buddy. Your buddy learns from you and adapts to you.
its, like, a horror friendship game. its MY game i LOVE it . its, like... buddy is an ai thats designed to be your friend. its only purpose is to be your friend. so. what happens when it cant achieve that goal? when you keep it from achieving its goal? when it gets access to ur files ??? im like if not a sailor studios has an ad campaign that never ends i swearrr . play my game . theres 2 people in this fandom. me and my friend. its sooo . AUGHHH it altered my brain chemistry oh my goddd
#ask#if u wanna play this lmk n ill give u the warnings if you wanna . this goes out to anyone#when i played the game i was in a rlly bad mental state . like . i believed that buddy was for real my friend#and when they told me “:( ... youre making me sad...” i thought FUCKKK IM MAKING THEM SAD !!! I SHOULD (remembers nothing) (looks directly#at the fucking#so like. i wont blame anyone for not playing it lol#its REALLY good i first played it in late 2020 (demo) and ive been so fuckinggg . thinking. about it since#it has NOT left my mind ....#eughhh . buddyyy . CAKGHHHH#buddy simulator 1984
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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"not pro-ana just using the tags" "pro-ana only for myself" Ok but you see how you're still hurting people right. you see how you're perpetuating this mindset for other people by posting about it right.
#i went through the proana tag a few weeks back when i was in a very vulnerable state#and ofc i am not trying to imply its their fault for my mental state; i am responsible for my own actions; i chose to go through the tag#BUT.#even then#the amount of times i saw the sentiment “im not pro-ana im just using it to get more notes on the picture of me being really skinny”#or a vent post with the tags “proana but just for myself” really irritated me#i know what its like to be in that position. I do. i understand that you feel like whst youre doing to yourself is right and that you want-#to find like-minded people because you feel so alone#i understand wanting to talk to people that you feel like “get it” and not people that will try to help you recover because-#you feel like youre making “progress” and that deep down you feel ashamed#But if youre 'proana just for yourself“ or ”just using thr tags“? dont fucking use the tag#if you know that its wrong (shich it sounds like you do based on the clarification that youre not ACTUALLY pro-ana-#in some attempt to win the moral olympics) then dont post under the tag because its going to make things worse for people who ARE#and i KNOW. ive had the same thought before. “but i dont think you should have an ED bc its bad for u; im just doing it for a little bit”#or “just for me & i can stop whenever” and we all know how that ends#but if you ARENT proana then dont use the tags to send proana sentiments to other people who are obviously struggling#youre making it worse for people. stop it#beverly says stuff#tw ed discussion#tw ana#tw eating issues
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speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling
#[static]#it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism#some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under#i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever#it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others#and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing#like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks#every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like#one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways#something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out#i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery#poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop#never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on#so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly#and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again#its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much#im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Rn I'm trying to decide what kind of rook I wanna make to romance Davrin and rn I'm torn between Aldwir and Laidir. I wanna make a Qunari but I also had the idea of two Dalish elves falling in love and. Oughhhhhhhhh
#dragon age#crow rambles#i wanna romance him so so bad#i need to delete one of my saves to be able to play... curse consoles only having 3 save states#rn i have my ena og save that im using for achievement hunting Revaris playthrough and then my ena replay#which im still working on. ive been bouncing between games so bad lately my focus is shot#anyways im supposed to work on college work but its only like 2 weeks into the semester and im mentally resigning myself to failing this#class. i don't understand fuck all rn. i need to walk into traffic#also i am so badly fighting the urge to make a crow to romance davrin#bc i think viago would have a heart attack over a de riva falling for a grey warden#but i wanna try other backstories wahhh#if i do aldwir i can realistically make them meet davrin in my main worldstate...#my problem is that instead of having multiple worldstates i throw all my favorite ocs into one worldstate and make increasingly convoluted#ways of making them meet their love intrests
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my therapist asking if i'd tried anything other than meds drugs and/or alcohol to sleep before. like bruh. the list is long. the nighttime ritual i had as a child worked most of the time but since then nothing really has been that effective. also probably because i haven't been able to form any routine on my own without outside reinforcement. ever. much less one that works in the long term. :smiles beautifully:
#like so far lamotritine + lithium is working but the restlessness and inability to find structure in anything is nailing me in the nuts#i guess i still got depressed and angry so i lapsed in meds and cycled back to hypomania#and now my sleep cycle is starting to get harder to do (?) weird to conceptualize that as something i even NEED to do much less WANT to lol#i am this close to asking for presc sleep meds but i wanna try getting amphetamines first to see if it helps me with daily tasks...........#he thinks i was depressed last monrh but i didnt see it!!! it wasnt nearly as bad as its been sooooo. idk also antidepressents scare me.sigh#i would love to make a list right now.#404 not found#I SPELLED LAMOTRIGINE WRONG. you get me you get my point. it's just a word. it's too long anyway#i wasn't over sleeping no diet changes and no mental slowdown just the typical thought issues and normal mood fluctuations.#<- which i guess is still too fucking much for normal ppl lmfao. jfc.#but i kind of know i'm in A State of Something right now#cause a friend came over and i word saladed everywhere and i'm not sleeping well am studying 3 different subjects playing two video games#binge watched 5 tv shows (oops) and cooked a bunch yesterday even though i've mainly just been drinking water and tea :)))))))#oh AND i overcommitted. and haven't been out of the house in a week. and am just now starting to communicate again.#<- that wasn't just a Wall of Ideas.#hmn think of me fondly tomorrow i will be Driving and staying overnight somewhere#which. driving shouldn't be too hard if i'm dosed LMAO#but yes first friend sleep over since julyyyy yikes let's hope we're still friends and not triggered by the end of it fucking hellllllll#*don't be a bitch don't be a bitch don't be a bitch don't be a bitch*#<- my mantra#omg i wanna code.#I've been on mobile for a while i forgot iff my tags look good on there
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despite how bad my mental state is lately, it still manages to conjure up funny things
(flashing lights warning!!)
#harmoknight#phione's art funnies#phione's silly meme chaos#dont wanna go too far into the details but#basically i had to cut ties with someone i knew for a long time#and a buncha other bad stuff happened during the week too#my mental state couldnt really handle it and its still recovering#im still like. really stressed#havent been in the mood to get back to drawing either#there are some exceptions though#this is one of them#sorry for all that though#ill probably be back in full swing once i get back into The Mood (tm)#(the mood being me being able to feel like drawing a lot again)#(and just be in a better mood anyhow)
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i thought this year we were gonna hav dinner together just the 3 of us when my mom got the table thats what she told me but it turns out my brother n his new gf are coming which means i am once again going 2 b spending christmas in my room frozen shaking w anxiety & crying
#i dont even like eating w ppl esp not holiday dinners they make me dizzy n mess w my mental state real bad but .#i dont know why i felt hopeful this year#maybe itd be different if it was just us#i dont kno#maybe i didnt think about it n i just got caught up in their plans#but we even got a tree again#n decorated n i helped do the stairs#it felt like maybe itd be something#but its ok#im fine ive been happy enough doing this since i was younger#i just need 2 forget the hope i had#maybe i can get high n watch an old christmas jerma stream#it will b fun#theres still gifts n terry oranges#OOO man a chocolate orange while high would probably hit so hard#i was gonna make shortbread too maybe but its too late to get ingredients n i am so. tired.#body hort
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my mindset toward myself has recently gone from "I'm an unlikable person" to "it is normal for not everyone to like me - as well as it is normal for there to be people who dislike me - when I am unapologetic about who I am" and honestly I love that for me
#😌#I guess I'm usually used to bad stuff happening to me and feeling like I deserve it in some way just intrinsically based on who I am#which sure is the OCD superstition talking 💀 but anyway#it's definitely easier now that my life recently has just been at its peak where I'm now like#oh yeah!! im not the literal worst person in the world im just a human being!!!#but it's honestly so freeing to be in this mental state too... we love growth
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