#It's just my anxiety about. what people think of me and the purity culture that's been baked into me from day one

[origamiyoda]

I tthink I could stand to be weirder and gayer about barney.

[joshsindigostreak]

After Midnight

“‘Cause nothing good comes after midnight…”

Demon!Jake Kiszka x Reader

Authors Note: Hello lovelies!! This was a special request from our dear @gold-mines-melting to get a better look at how our Hatman!Jake was fairing in the world. This was super fun to write and my first official Jake smut!! I hope you enjoy him as much as I do ❤️

Word count: 8.1K

Warnings: SMUT, 18+, Minors DNI, unprotected sex (but he’s a demon so…wrap it up IRL!), oral sex f!receiving, brief discussions of Hell, swearing, but I think that’s it!

For Demons, the time around Halloween was a fun one. The veil was thinner, the air crisper, and humans let their guards down for the off chance of experiencing anything “spooky.” Multiple human cultures acknowledged the thinning of the veil, but very few truly understood what it meant. Not only were Spirits at their most active, but other beings were more abundant as well.  Jake was a Demon who fed on fear. Didn’t matter if it was a glimmer of anxiety, or a massive phobia, the energy of fear was everywhere.

Tonight, a full week before Halloween, the Demon was checking out a new apartment building, one he hadn’t been quite familiar with just yet, when a group of giggles echoed through the ether and met his ears. He followed the sound and found himself in a tiny apartment, dimly lit with only a scattering of candles and strings of orange and purple lights that lined the walls and door frames. A group of young women sat on the floor, surrounding the coffee table, all in different Halloween costumes. Jake’s presence was invisible and undetected, which allowed him to lean against the wall and observe. 

His eyes scanned the group, eventually landing on you in the middle of your friends. Your costume wasn’t much, just a thin white nighty with some cheap Angel wings fixed on your back. The human interpretation of Angels was laughable, given the true nature of such creatures. Always decked out in all white, implying purity and piety, soft feathery wings that rivaled a dove’s. It made the Demon roll his eyes. Out of his brothers, he had had the “pleasure” of interacting with such beings the most over the years. If only humans knew that the creatures they perceived as “nurturing” and “protective” didn’t actually care about them as people but as cogs in the machine known as “The Greater Good.”

Angels were geniuses at marketing. 

However, the sight of you with your Party City set of wings was endearing to Jake. He wished he hadn’t had such a sordid history with Angels so that he could appreciate the aesthetic fully, but he couldn’t help that. But the way your hair fell over your shoulders, bare except for the thin spaghetti strap of your “dress”, and the way the candles lit your face from where you sat, had the Demon’s interest peaked. He pushed himself off the wall he had been leaning against and took a few silent steps forward, curious as to what you and your friends were huddled around on the coffee table. 

He almost let out a chuckle when he saw what had the group in such a heated debate: a ouija board. 

“If you even think about using that thing I’m going to leave,” your friend Claire hissed from her spot on the couch while she sipped whatever beverage she had concocted in your kitchen. 

“Bitch please, you are not, it’s a kids game for fucks sake,” your other friend Nora rolled her eyes from the other side of the coffee table while she examined the lid of the box. 

“They just creep me out. Haven’t you heard about them opening doors to things if you’re not careful?” 

“I highly doubt a mass produced piece of cardboard that's sold around the world is a true door to Hell, Claire,” Nora reasoned. 

Claire bristled, “Well you guys can have fun with it, I’m not participating.” 

They were both right in different ways. Inherently the “game” didn’t do much in terms of anything spiritual, but humans had a habit of knocking on doors they aren’t supposed to, and Demons never resisted fucking with them in return. Unfortunately for these girls, a Demon was already in the room with them, and the corners of his mouth were twitching at the thought of giving them a good scare during their party. 

Finally, your wine-induced opinion was heard, “I mean why not? Its October after all. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Very Angelic of you. 

Jake immediately loved the sound of your voice, and sat down in the empty spot across from you and next to Nora. 

His presence didn’t go fully unnoticed, with Nora rubbing her arms through the cheap fabric of her Witches costume, which consisted of a short black dress and a stereotypical pointed hat on her head. 

“Is anyone else cold?” 

She was met with everyone shaking their heads at her. 

“Weird.” 

Jake could feel the anxiety in the room start to build, and he knew it was only going to get better. 

You set your wine glass down on the end table and joined Nora in placing your fingertips on the planchette. The two of you took turns asking random questions, and it was clear to Jake that Nora was trying to move the planchette herself for shits and giggles. 

But now, it was Jake’s turn to start answering. 

“Is there anyone with us, right now?” Nora dramatically asked with her eyes closed. The Demon to her left took the opportunity to nudge the planchette over the “YES” portion of the board. 

“Oh we’re not alone,” you joked and laughed with the girls. 

You had no idea, Jake thought. 

“Are you a ghost, then?” You asked into the air. 

Amused, Jake guided the planchette to the “NO”. 

At that, he saw your fingertips twitch on the plastic surface, and he heard your heart quicken in your chest. 

“I fucking told you to not mess with-” Claire started to protest. 

“If you’re not a ghost, then what are you?” 

Now the fun would really begin. 

Jake slowly moved the planchette around the board, spelling out,

“N-O-T-A-G-H-O-S-T”. 

Nora looked down at the board, “we know that,” she said defiantly. 

“Nora,” you lightly scolded, “don’t be rude to the spirit!”

Nora shrugged, not phased, “Oh spirit of olde, where are you from?”

Jake smirked, 

“H-E-L-L”

Your hands paused as the second L was magnified under the planchette, and looked up at Nora. 

“Oh of course the big bad spirit is from Hell,” your friend was openly mocking whoever it was you were speaking to. 

“Is Hell fun?”

You title your head and narrowed your eyes, “it's Hell, Nora.” 

“What? Maybe it's fun for them?” 

Jake silently nudged your hands to the YES. The mounting anxiety that was oozing off of Claire and the other girls was delicious. 

“Come on, Nora you’re just moving it yourself,” one of your other friends voiced from her spot on the couch next to Claire, unimpressed.

“I am not!” she hissed. The accusation appeared to have shifted her mood and she put her hands in her lap, “whatever, I’m bored and I need a refill.”

She got up in a huff and exited into your tiny kitchen. The rest of the girls followed after her, needing refills themselves. That left you all alone with your fingers still resting on the planchette. 

Softly, you murmured, “sorry about her…she can be a lot.” You had no idea if you were even speaking to anyone, and felt a little dumb, but it was Spooky Season, and you needed some whimsy in your life. 

Jake however, was utterly entranced by you across the coffee table. He sat there, eyes traveling around your face and down your body. The flickering light from the candles lit your features in such a delicate way. He watched as you blushed in embarrassment. You shook your head at yourself, mumbling about how stupid that was to say. You reached for your wine glass and gulped down the little you still had. He studied the way your fingers held the stem of the glass, how your lips fit against the rim, how your eyes fluttered shut as the wine hit your tongue, and how your throat bobbed slightly as you swallowed. 

If you could have seen the Demon in front of you, you would have seen how his soft eyes followed your every movement. You would have seen the dark brown irises he always chose when he wanted to look more human, eyelids heavy and dark circles underneath. He couldn’t look away. 

There wasn’t any fear in the room now, only curiosity from Jake himself. 

But you couldn’t see him. You didn’t know he was truly there. In your eyes, you were tipsy and had just played a slumber party game with your friends. You weren’t talking to a Spirit of any kind, it was just Nora fucking with everyone as she always did. You rolled your eyes at yourself and got up off the floor. In silence you put the ouija board back in the box along with the planchette, ready to move on to other activities you had planned. 

In your buzzed state, you forgot one of the rules to using a Ouija board, which was to always say goodbye to whomever you were speaking to. It was a formality to close any ‘doors’. You hadn’t done that. You simply scooped up your glass and headed into the kitchen to join your friends. That left the Demon alone in your living room. 

Jake contemplated staying around, just to see how the night went, but his ears started ringing, and he could tell his talents were needed elsewhere. It was better for his best interest to head out anyway. The Demon sighed and rose off the floor, giving one last glance through the archway into your kitchen. You and your guests had moved on to tequila shots and arguing over what movie you were going to watch next. Tequila after wine? He knew your human body would be regretting that in the morning. 

He smiled at you one last time before disappearing from your apartment, off to see one of his regulars who had a penchant for Benadryl. 

~!~

In one the many gardens of Hell, the young Demon found himself wandering down a path lined with thick and tangled rose bushes. The petals ranged from bright red to deep purple, all twisting and growing together in ways they couldn’t naturally on earth. He wasn’t in the gardens much, but it was his twin’s turn to pick the meeting place, and this was one of Josh’s favorite places. 

Jake rounded the corner and caught sight of Josh, perched on a stone bench with his newly gifted wings stretched out behind him, face tilted towards the eternally sunset sky, eyes closed. 

“You’re late,” he said as he flexed his wings. 

“You’re the last person to tell anyone they’re late for anything,” Jake replied warmly before sitting down next to him. 

“Sam and Danny can’t make it. Something to do with business they each had Topside,” Josh opened his eyes and looked over at Jake. 

“You’d know all about Topside business, brother. How is she anyway?” 

A toothy grin formed on his brother’s face, “Amazing, as always.” 

Jake had to admit, the situation with Josh and the human hadn’t turned out too bad in the end. He had only met her a few times but he liked seeing how happy his brother was, and he was comforted knowing she had been a big part of that. 

“What about you? Have you been terrorizing humanity with your threatening presence? Even in that ridiculous hat?” Josh nudged Jake’s shoulder. 

Jake rolled his eyes, “you laugh but this hat and my presence are synonymous with nightmares. They blog about it on the internet.” 

“Memes. The height of Demonic achievement.” 

“Shut up,” Jake said with a soft laugh. His thoughts drifted back to you, and how he spied on your party. It had only been a few days since that night, and he couldn’t get you or your little wings out of his head. He’d close his eyes and the sight of how the candles lit your face would flood his thoughts. He had only seen you for less than an hour but he was enamored, besotted, lovestruck. It was such an unfamiliar feeling he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. Humans had never particularly caught his eye in his unnaturally long life. But here he was, stewing over the pretty girl in the Angel wings. 

“Who is it?” Josh asked. He knew something was up with Jake. 

“Who is what?” Jake tried to hide the defensiveness in his voice. 

“Whoever has you zoning out that hard. You haven’t been listening to a thing I’ve said in the last two minutes.” 

“Yes I have.”

“What was I saying?”

Jake’s mouth twisted in a frown, “doesn’t matter. It’s nothing.” 

Josh gave him a knowing look, “Jake…” 

“Ijustfindherfascinating,” he mumbled under his breath. 

“You what? You find who fascinating?” 

“Justhisgirl,” he mumbled once more. 

“A girl?” Josh made an educated guess, “a human, girl?”

Jake refused to look up at him but his face reddened at his brother's words. 

Josh’s wings twitched behind him, “you gave me…so much shit…and here you are…” A laugh escaped him and gradually got louder and louder until he leaned over with his elbows on his knees, shoulders shaking from the force. 

“It’s not funny.” 

“Yes…it is,” Josh said after somewhat composing himself. 

“It’s whatever, I’ll probably never see her again.”

 

“Aww why not?” 

“Like I told you before, humans aren’t a good idea.” 

Josh gave him a look, “you said that and then I ended up having the best year of my life. So…” 

Jake looked down at his watch, “Well I have nightmares to cause, chaos to sew.”

“Yeah, ok,” Josh said with a smile and an eye roll. He couldn’t wait to see how this turned out for his brother. 

~!~

Weeks had gone by, and the Demon had tried his best to keep you out of his mind. He kept himself distracted by staying in other cities, soaking up nightmares far away from you. He was being ‘good’, as far as Demons go. Any trouble he got into had nothing to do with the pretty human in the Angel wings. He had only barely heard your name called out to you before he had left your apartment. 

That didn’t mean the temptation wasn’t there. He could be inside your place in the blink of an eye if he wanted, but he needed to keep his distance. The last thing he needed was to get caught up with a human. It might have worked out for his twin, but that was an anomaly. You would be terrified of him, and while he knew your fear would be delicious, a small part of him didn’t want it. He didn’t want to imagine you afraid, or anxious. The possibility didn’t sit right with him. 

But at the end of the day, Jake was a Demon, and Demons are imperfect creatures. After weeks of denying himself another glimpse of you, he found himself standing in your living room. The lights were still strung around on your walls, but now you had some Christmas decor mixed in. To his surprise, the ouija board was on your coffee table, already set up with the planchette resting in the center. 

You were sitting on your couch, staring at the board, trying to psych yourself up into placing your fingertips on the planchette. Against your better judgment, you had tried a few times to “communicate” with the Spirit you thought you had talked to the night of your party. But you never got an answer, not once. It made you feel a little dumb but you kept randomly trying. Something inside you was curious, and fully believed it wasn’t Nora being an asshole that night. 

Jake saw you reach for the board every so often, before returning your hands to your lap or fiddle with your phone. He raised an eyebrow, what were you doing? But then he remembered, you had left the ‘door’ open that night, never saying goodbye. This could be his chance without scaring the shit out of you by suddenly appearing. 

Instead of sitting across from you like the last time, he took his seat next to you on the couch. As a Demon, he could fully shield his presence from humans, which meant you wouldn’t feel a dip on the seat next to you. Jake could be as quiet as a ghost. 

Finally, you built up the nerve to place your fingertips on the planchette. You looked around the room, and quietly said, “Is anyone here?” 

Jake’s breath caught in his throat, and he moved his hand next to yours. The downside of his shielding meant that he couldn’t actually feel your hand, and he found himself wishing he could. He didn’t want you to give up and put the board away, so he began to move the plastic piece. With ease he slid it over to the YES corner of the board. 

You gasped, “holy shit. Umm…” Suddenly your mind had gone blank, and you stammered out, “are you a ghost?”

Jake smiled at the question, the same one you had that first night, and just like before he spelled out,

“N-O-T-A-G-H-O-S-T”

Taking some measured breaths you continued, “what are you, then?” 

Jake hesitated slightly. He could lie, and tell you he was a completely benevolent being just passing through the ether, but he didn’t want to. But he was worried you’d throw the board if he answered honestly. But fuck it. 

“D-E-M-O-N”

A chill ran up your spine as the word was completed, and your fingers trembled. You could do this. What have you got to lose?

“What kind of Demon?” 

There was only one word he could use for simplicity's sake, 

“F-E-A-R.”

“Well that makes sense, I guess,” you shrugged, “do you like being a Demon?”

Jake slid the planchette a little quicker to the YES corner. 

“Of course you do. What’s your name?”

Names. Knowing a Demon’s name had power. Humans like to say it means you can control said Demon, but that wasn’t entirely true. It meant that a Demon could hear their name being called by the person through time and space. He could be down in Hell and her even whispering his name would have the sound zinging through the ether and for him it would be as if you had said it right into his ear. Demons don’t have to answer calls, but more often than not they do. It was one of their more narcissistic qualities. 

Did he want to give you that kind of hold over him? To be able to cut through realms just to get his attention? To be able to summon him whenever you wanted? Yes. 

You were expecting some ancient, Biblical-esque name to be spelled out. And while it technically was Biblical, you certainly weren’t expecting, 

“J-A-K-E.”

This made you purse your lips and tilt your head.

 

“You’re a Demon…named Jake?” It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but you had to suppress a laugh. 

Jake’s eyebrows knitted together, not understanding why you found that amusing.

The Demon having such a…simple name relaxed you a bit. You didn’t know of many Demonic names, but you were glad the ones you did know weren’t this his. 

You felt a little more bold, “okay, Jake, prove to me you’re actually here.”

Oh, you wanted a show? He still didn’t want to scare you, but he couldn’t help but use one of his usual moves when nightmare hopping. 

The shadows in the room started to move. They grew larger as if they were climbing up the walls, merging together and creeping around the ceiling. The room was suddenly cloaked in darkness. He left the shadows in their altered state for a minute or two before setting them back to where they originally were. 

“Can you show yourself?”

He could, he could and he wanted to. 

“YES”

You swallowed some air, “then do it.” 

Jake stared at you, knowing that there was no going back now. He had been trying to ignore the anxiety that was coursing through your system, but hanging in front of him like bait on a hook. 

He dropped the shield, letting himself be fully visible and very much right next to you. 

The Demon’s sudden appearance started you so much you recoiled against the arm of the couch, with a few expletives rapidly escaping your mouth. He sat stock still, his large dark brown eyes were locked onto yours. He was dressed in fittingly all black, with a wide brim hat sitting atop his head. Long brown hair fell just past his shoulders. He was gorgeous. Fuck. 

“You’re…really sitting here?” 

He shrugged and rested his arm on the back of the couch, maintaining a comfortable distance from you, “I’ve been sitting here, darling.”

Your bottom lip disappeared between your teeth as you continued to take him in. 

“I just…I just can’t believe it was you at my party.”

The corners of his mouth threatened a smile, “Wasn’t even supposed to be there, honestly. I was just passing through and couldn’t resist crashing the party. I also found your…inaccurate costume amusing.” 

Your nose crinkled, “inaccurate?”

His eyes softened slightly, “Angels aren’t meant to be beautiful.” 

Your heart stuttered, and your voice wobbled to match, “th-they aren’t? What’s wrong with them?”

He leaned his side into the back of the couch, “oh, nothing if you like pompous, arrogant hall monitors who make their lack of free will everyone else’s problem.” 

Your eyebrows slowly raised at his words, “that’s easy to say, for a Demon.” 

His features hardened, “I have stories for days about those pricks that would make you understand my opinion of them, darling.” 

You don’t know why you felt emboldened to talk back to a Demon of all beings, but you were enjoying the adrenaline rush. 

“What exactly do you…do…as a Demon?”

“In general I feed off people's fears, mainly through their nightmares but I can do the same if they’re awake as well.” 

He said it so matter of fact. As if he was telling you what the weather was like outside. 

“I also run favors for any of the higher-ups if they need to get people’s…attention.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I just…make my presence known and usually that means that one,” he started counting with his fingers, “they know they’re being monitored and if they owe anything to anyone that they’re not going to get away with not fulfilling their end of the bargain. And two, it frightens them so much that I get a good meal out of it. Everyone wins.”

“How do you…feed…?”

“It’s not really ‘eating’ in the literal sense. It’s more of a one sided energy exchange. Human emotions have insane amounts of energy.”

You shifted in your seat, facing him more directly, “are you feeding off my fear right now?” 

He tilted his head a little, “but you’re not afraid, are you, darling?”

He was right. Apprehensive? Sure. Fascinated? Very. But afraid? Fearful? You couldn’t understand why, but you almost felt calm in front of him. 

“Do you want me to be afraid?” 

He leaned in closer, giving into his bold nature, “fear is the last thing I want to taste from you.” 

Heat flooded your body at his words. Did he want you? You found yourself leaning closer to him, your mind envisioning all sorts of scenarios at the implication. The air around you seemed to shift, and the Demon’s gaze darkened. 

“Why did you come back tonight?”

He stared at you, “You…fascinate me…”

Your eyebrow twitched in confusion, “fascinated?”

“I don’t have a lot of experience interacting with humans outside of when I visit them at night, but when I happened upon your party…I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Something about you was different, and it was an unfamiliar feeling to me. I regret not staying longer that night.” 

“Oh…”

“But my question for you, darling, is why did you try to communicate again with the board?” He casted a sideways glance at your coffee table, before his dark eyes returned to yours. 

You fiddled with your fingertips, “I don’t know…I had this nagging feeling that what happened that night was actually real, and it wasn’t just typical halloween party bullshit. I tried a few more times, but never got a response until tonight.” 

Something in Jake’s chest tightened at the thought of her trying to reach out but he hadn’t been around to answer, or worse, something with truly malevolent intentions would have been on the other side of that board. 

“I guess we’re both a pair of curious creatures, then,” he said softly. 

He was right, curiosity was all your brain could focus on, besides those brown eyes and velvety-looking lips of his. Because of this, you found yourself scooting closer to the Demon, feeling that the space between you was unnecessarily far. 

  The Demon of course noticed you moving closer, and he shifted in his seat to face you more directly. He silently mapped out your face, taking in every feature, and feeling an itch in his hands to hold your soft cheeks. For once in his long infernal life, the hunger he was feeling wasn’t for fear. 

This wordless communication continued until your faces were inches apart. You fought against the urge to flutter your eyes close and lean in even closer. 

He curled a finger under your chin, “I don’t bite, I promise…” 

You swallowed at his words, shaking off any lasting nerves and leaned forward, brushing your lips with his. 

The Demon nearly froze as you made contact, but he quickly kissed you back, not wanting to risk you pulling away. His hands did as they wanted, and finally slid up your jaw to your cheeks cupping them softly as he tilted his head for a better angle. You melted into the kiss, parting your mouth slightly to allow him access. His tongue swept across your bottom lip, before venturing into your mouth and colliding with your own.

The kiss grew more heated by the second, and you found yourself leaning back on the couch, with your new companion beginning to hover over you. The cool metal from the necklaces he wore grazed your chest as he got closer to you, and you relaxed against the couch cushion, allowing him to get fully on top of you. 

Soon, he was flat on top of you and your hands were buried in his dark locks. The hat that sat upon his head was tilted back from the angle, but it was still getting in the way. You moved your hand up his scalp to fling it out of the way, when your fingers curled around something��hard. As soon as your hand came into contact with the strange texture, the Demon on top of you groaned and bit down on your lower lip. 

Curiosity won and you peeped your eyes open and fully pushed his hat off his head, not caring where it landed on the floor. Your eyes widened when you saw what your fingers were curled around. 

A horn. 

He had a pair of them, fixed parallel with each other and curling backwards slightly into sharp points. They were a deep crimson in color, bordering on oxblood. His thick dark hair parted perfectly around them, making the front pieces of his hair fall beautifully on either side of his face. Your body froze underneath him. 

“Y-you have…horns?”

Through heavy lids, he gazed down at you, “most Demons do, darling.” 

You nodded slightly, of course they did. Your fingertips grazed down the side of one, studying the texture along the way. The more your hand moved, the more his hips squirmed and grinded into yours. You became keenly aware of the growing bulge between you. 

“Does that feel good?” You asked, sliding your fingers up to see how sharp the point was. 

His brown eyes seemed to darken even more, and a low grumble came from his throat, “you have no idea.” Jake couldn’t hold back any longer and crashed his lips back onto yours. You gasped as his tongue lapped at your lips for entrance. He savored and swallowed every sound you made, wanting to memorize them all. His hands reached under the t-shirt you were wearing and you swiftly helped him take it off of you. You hadn’t been wearing a bra, and he immediately cupped both breasts, squeezing and kneading your flesh as you arched up into him. His fingers tweaked your nipples before he lowered his mouth on one, swirling his tongue around the hardened peak.

The Demon’s fingers reached down to the top of your leggings. They slid underneath the fabric slightly before he raised his head and looked to you for permission. You slipped your bottom lip between your teeth and nodded, raising your hips off the couch to help him out. 

You hadn’t bothered with underwear since you were at home,  so when Jake swiftly pulled your leggings down and off your legs, his eyes were immediately met with your core. 

His hands rested on the top of your bent knees, slowly spreading them to get a better look at you. You could feel the heat radiating off of his palms. It wasn’t your typical feeling of body heat. There was a pulse to it that crept up your thighs, and reminded you that he truly wasn’t a human being. 

You remained still, watching him look at you. Your eyes followed his one hand as it traveled along your inner thigh, slowly making its way to where you needed him most. His eyes were locked on your core. Gently, his thumb briefly toyed with some of the curls that resided there, before dipping down into your slit. He dragged it through your arousal, hyper aware of every jump and gasp you made at his touch. 

For a brief moment, you thought you had seen his eyes turn fully black before returning to the dark brown you were familiar with. He started to lower himself down, bringing his face closer and closer to your core. Those same piercing eyes flicked up to your face, silently asking for permission again. Quickly you nodded as your heart started hammering in your chest. 

He licked his lips in anticipation. What he hadn’t revealed to you, was that you were about to be the first human that he’d tasted this way. The Demon knew what fear, anxiety, dread, all of the above tasted like. But this? This was desire, your desire, and he couldn’t stop himself from spreading your swollen lips apart with his fingers lowering his mouth to your flesh. 

The taste had him immediately humming into you, tongue swirling around your folds to gather as much of your arousal onto his tongue as he could. The action had you bucking into his mouth, one hand shaking by your side while the other gripped the back of your couch. 

Jake wrapped his arm around your thigh, resting his hand on your hip bone to hold you in place. His tongue dipped into your entrance before traveling upwards to finally give your clit the attention it desperately needed. You cried out as it made contact, jerking your hips once again towards his mouth. He chuckled slightly against you before taking your clit fully into his mouth and sucking on it harshly enough to elicit a high pitched whine from your throat. 

“Jesus-fucking-Christ,” you gasped into the air. 

The Demon released your clit and gruffly whispered into your core, his lips close enough to brush against you as he spoke “Jesus isn’t the one making you feel like this, darling.” 

You hiccuped a laugh as his lips wrapped around your clit once more. 

His fingers on his unoccupied hand circled your entrance a few times before dipping a single finger inside. Feeling your warmth surround him had the Demon rutting his hips into the couch cushion. 

Your back arched as he added a second finger, and the hand at your side flew to his dark hair, desperate to get him even closer to your core. He groaned into you as your fingernails dug into his scalp.  With every curl of his fingers or swipe of his tongue, you felt your high hurtling towards you. You grinded down onto his fingers while he continued expertly swirling his tongue around your clit. His hair wasn’t enough. You needed something else to hold onto. Blindly, you loosened your grip to move your hand to the left and wrap around the dark ridged horn that grew from his head. 

The second your hand secured itself around his horn, Jake gasped around your clit, breathing out hot hair against your sensitive flesh before he made a low growl in his throat. His teeth nipped at your skin as his mouth closed around your clit, causing you to cry out once again. His fingers sped up inside you, knowing you were close and wanting to desperately know how you felt and what you sounded like when you came. 

With one more harsh curl of his finger against that spot inside you, and the way his tongue flattened out as it swiped up the left side of your clit, the tension in your body broke as your orgasm took over your body. You shouted his name towards your ceiling, not caring if your neighbors heard it through the paper thin walls of your apartment building. 

He worked you through your high, trying to prolong it as long as he could before he slowed his movements to gently guide you back down. 

Eventually, your body went slack underneath him, and your hand left his horn to rub your face as you came back to reality. Jake lightly peppered kisses up your thigh as he slowly withdrew his fingers. You quietly whimpered at the loss, hating how empty you suddenly felt. 

Jake licked his fingers clean, not wanting to waste a drop of you. He couldn’t get enough, and while he wasn’t sure if all humans tasted this good or not, he was certain that none of them could come close to how delicious you were. 

He carefully crawled up your body, admiring how you blissed out you looked with your eyes closed and a small smile on your lips. 

Slowly you opened your eyes, still in disbelief over what had just happened. The two of you stared at each other silently before Jake lowered his mouth onto yours, and you could taste yourself on his tongue. 

The kiss turned heated, and you started to grab at the shirt that he was still wearing. 

He murmured against your lips, “darling, as much fun as we’re having on your couch, if I’m going to have you,” the implication obvious in his tone, “I want to be able to take you properly, on a bed.” 

You stifled a laugh before turning your head towards the open door of your bedroom. Within seconds the Demon had gathered you in his arms as he made his way to the doorway. He crossed the threshold and gently laid you on your bed. 

“You’re wearing far too much,” you boldly observed. 

He smirked at you, “well we can’t have that, can we?” 

You smiled and sat up on your knees and quickly helped him shed the offending layers of clothing, leaving just a pile of black clothing and leather boots next to your bed. Your eyes drank him in, noting every dip and contour of his body. His skin was already glistening slightly with sweat after your activities on the couch. Your gaze lowered and followed the faint trail of hair under his belly button down to thick dark curls that surrounded the base of his cock. 

The way your eyes widened at the sight of him had the Demon fighting back a smirk, and he took his cock in his hand to give himself a few pumps just to tease you even more. Jake crawled up the bed to hover over you. 

If it weren’t for the horns, you wouldn’t have guessed a Demon was looking down at you, with how soft his gaze was. Your chest swelled unexpectedly at the silent emotions swimming behind his dark eyes. You had so many questions for him, and a need to know everything about him and his life. You didn’t want to think about the fact that he’d probably leave after tonight. 

His lips brushed yours with a feather-light softness, as if he was afraid you’d shatter underneath him like glass. The gesture had your heart stuttering in your chest. 

“I know you said you’re not a ghost,” you whispered, calling back to your first interaction, “but promise you won’t disappear like one…afterwards…”

Jake knew what you were asking, and every option weighed heavily on his mind. This was completely uncharted territory for him, and for all of his confidence he was unsure how to navigate it. 

He looked down, focusing on a lone freckle on your stomach before replying, “didn’t anyone tell you that Demons were dangerous?” 

There was a sheepishness to his tone that surprised you, but you countered, “you mean the same people who told me to not fuck with Ouija boards?”

“You never know who you’re talking to…”

“I don’t know you’re not so bad….” you mused. 

His eyes traveled up your body to meet yours, “I’m not an innocent creature, darling.”

Now it was your eyes that darkened, “show me…” 

You felt his thick cock twitch between you in response.

Jake surged forward and captured your lips with his. You wasted no time to return the kiss, cradling his jaw in your hands. Your legs went lax in his hands as he spread them apart to fit himself between them. He reached down to wrap his hand around his cock and dragged it through your slit. You gasped at the contact, and then smiled against his lips. 

“Please…,” you whispered, the need for him taking over your body. 

With a swivel of his hips, his cock plunged inside you, bottoming out as far as he could go. You threw your head back and cried out, relishing how full you felt. 

Jake didn’t even try to hold back the groan in his throat as your velvety heat enveloped him. He tried to give himself a minute to catch his breath. Moreover, he was trying to give you a minute to adjust, but your legs wrapped around his hips, sending the message to move. Happy to oblige you, he reared his hips back nearly all the way, before thrusting forward hard enough that your ankles shook slightly against the small of his back. 

Your mouth hung open and your eyes were screwed shut, and the Demon leaned down to whisper in your ear, “alright there, darling?” 

You tilted your head to reply, “if you don’t start moving…”

He chuckled and whispered something you were sure sounded like a playful, “demanding little thing…” before settling into a steady rhythm. Your nails dug into the skin of his shoulders as he moved, and the feeling of his flesh under your hands sent a sharp jolt of pleasure through your body. 

Jake buried his face in the crook of your neck, planting kisses along your neck as he gained speed. Soon he was all but slamming into you, making your bed creek to the point where the frame was getting closer and closer to hitting the wall behind it. 

There was only one light on in the room, a small desk light in the corner by your laptop, It wasn’t bright enough to fully illuminate the room, but it cast a warm glow from the side of the room it was on. Your eyes fluttered open briefly as you clung to the Demon inside you, and you noticed that the shadows on the walls and the ceilings looked…different. They were moving in ways that weren’t natural, in fact they shouldn’t have been moving at all given the source of light. But they were wobbling and morphing into different abstract shapes around you. It was then you remembered what Jake had done to prove his presence in your apartment: the trick with the shadows and how he used them to cloak all visible light in the room. 

Your attention on the shadows didn’t last however, as he hiked one of your legs higher on his side, pushing it towards you chest and giving him a new angle to work with. This let him hit even deeper, and the head of his cock was rutting against a spot inside you that had you gasping for air. 

Jake felt you squeezing him harder and more frequently as he continued his pace, and he could tell you were getting close. He smirked against the skin of your shoulder and reached down with his other hand to grab your ass cheek and knead the soft flesh as he worked you towards your second orgasm of the night. 

At this point you were a babbling mess underneath him, holding on for dear life as you hurtled towards the edge. He lifted his head up and greedily crashed his lips into yours, wanting to feel every gasp and reedy sigh coming from you. 

It was all too much, and you couldn’t hold back anymore. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head and a cry flew from your mouth as your orgasm took over, shattering beneath him. 

“Yeah…yeah that's it, darling…doing so well,” he encouraged in a low voice as he continued to piston his hips and work you through your high. 

Jake slowed as you began to come down, and your muscles felt like jello from how tense they had been leading up to your orgasm. His lips pressed sweetly into your cheek, as he felt you relax even further onto the bed. He hoped you weren’t too tired, because he wasn’t through with you. 

Before you could register which way was up, the Demon pulled out of you, hissing at the sudden rush of cold air on his cock. Your eyes opened a bit in curiosity, as you knew he hadn’t came yet. The shadows were still flickering on the walls to their own accord, resembling flames with their movements. 

He sat up on his knees, resting on his haunches and taking your hips in his hands. In one swift motion, he had you on your stomach, yanking your hips backwards before he reared back himself and slammed back into you from behind. 

You cried out into the pillow beneath you, your body still sensitive from your last orgasm. All of her nerve endings were on fire, and lightning bolts of pleasure radiated from your core as he rutted into you at a brutal pace. 

It was a struggle to keep yourself properly on your hands and knees, as every thrust had you lurching forward and nearly off balance. Curse words fell from your mouth, harmonizing with the grunts and heavy breathing from the Demon behind you. His thick hands and long finger were squeezing your hips in such a way you were sure there would be marks left behind, but you didn’t care, you loved how rough he was at that moment. A stark contrast to how he had been in the previous round. 

He slowed his pace slightly to these long and deliberate strokes, wanting to really savor how incredible you felt wrapped around him. But while this angle felt amazing not only for you and for him, he felt a little far away from you, and he didn’t like that at all. 

While maintaining his pace he gathered you up in his arms and pulled you upright, securing your back to his front, and his chin on your shoulder. The new angle had him thrusting upwards into you, and it made your head fall back onto his shoulder. Your legs were starting to shake from the excursion, and instinctively you reached up and took one of his horns in your hand to keep yourself balanced. 

This caused the Demon to growl next to your ear. His hips involuntarily swiveled and pushed his aching deeper inside you at the feeling of your hand on one of his horns. The combined sensations had his own high looming in the distance, but he didn’t want to cross the finish line alone. He slid his hand down your torso to your clit, immediately figuring out the pattern that caused the biggest reaction from you. 

“You got one more for me? Hmm? Do you, darling?” He spoke into your ear and pressed his lips on the shell of it. “I know you do; you can do it. You’re already squeezing me so tight.” 

He was whispering pure filth into your ear as he kept rutting into you and working your clit. He didn’t just want to feel you come again, he needed it. Once around his fingers and another around his cock wasn’t enough for him. He needed more. 

Your body started to tremble in his arms, and he knew you were right on the edge. He wasn’t very far behind you as his cock stiffened even more. Within seconds you were clamping down around him again, throwing your head back and crying out towards the ceiling. As your high slammed into you again, the Demon’s own orgasm course through him. He let out a low groan as his hips stuttered a few times before pushing into you one final time, emptying himself completely. In the midst of it all, the shadows closed in on you both briefly before retreating and settling back in their rightful places, looking completely normal now. 

His hand slowly circled your clit, trying to prolong your orgasm as long as he could, but when your body jolted at the sensitivity he stopped and slowly withdrew from you. Your legs started to give out and he quickly caught you and gently laid you back down on the bed, not wanting you to fall. 

The sight of his release slowly rolling down your thigh distracted him for a second, before he remembered it was the gentlemanly thing to do to clean you up. Thankfully, you had a bathroom attached to your room, so he didn’t have to go too far to get a warm washcloth to clean you both up. The whole time you watched him through heavy lidded eyes, exhausted from the whole evening. 

On his way back from throwing the rag in your hamper, he noted his pile of clothes and his hat in the other room. He turned back to your bed, your eyes were nearly shut and you were under the covers. An intrusive thought flashed through his mind, that it would be so easy for him to gather his things and leave, letting you wake up in the morning and chalk it all up to a wine-induced dream. But then your request from earlier filtered through his thoughts, and a pang shot through his chest. No…he couldn’t do that. Most surprisingly, he didn’t want to. 

He shook his head before crawling into your bed, wrapping his arms around you and letting you rest your head on his chest. 

You didn’t want to fall asleep, and you tried real hard to stay awake. But his lips rested on the crown of your head, while his fingers traced little patterns on your lower back. It wasn’t long before you both drifted off into a restful sleep. 

Hours later, when the sun had fully risen and light was streaming through your window, you were awoken by a low snore near your ear. Blinking your eyes open, you looked up to find Jake’s face inches from yours. His arms were around your waist and he was practically sharing your pillow, but you didn’t mind. Carefully you turned over to face him, trying not to wake him up. His features looked so much softer this way, and you could fully admire the slope of his nose and how his dark eyelashes fanned out on his cheeks. He was one of the most beautiful men you had ever seen. 

The Demon began to stir awake, and his eyes slowly opened to find you laying in the crook of his arm, absently fiddling with his necklaces. 

“Morning…,” he murmured, voice nearly an octave lower from sleep. 

“Morning…,” you replied, unable to hide the smile that slid across your face. 

His hand reached up and cupped your face, tilting it up wards so he could slot his mouth over yours in a languid kiss. 

As you pulled away, you whispered a question against his lips.

“Not a ghost?”

His arms tightened around you and pulled you closer to him. 

“Not a ghost, darling.” 

FIN

Tag List:  @dannyandthekiszkas , @readyforthegarden , @sinners-go-to-drink-the-wine , @wideminded-dreamer , @runwayblues , @wildbluesorbit , @llightmyllovee , @rhythm-of-space , @sacredthefran , @writingcold , @alwaysonthemend , @wetkleenex-gvf , @josh-iamyour-mama , @lightsofthe-living-gvf , @gvfcinema, @sacredthethreadgvf , @losfacedevil , @jakekiszkasbuttsweat , @shutupdevvie , @hearts-hunger , @gretavanfleetposts , @ascendingtostardust , @mackalah , @andromeda-raine-gvf , @jake-kiszkas-smirk , @gracev0609 , @sacredjake , @earthlysorrows , @gvfpal , @myownparadise96 , @itsafullmoon , @gvfmelbourne, @twistedmelodies , @that-witchy-pan , @gold-mines-melting , @texas-bbq-pringles , @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface , @childinthegardenn , @char289 , @stardustvanfleet , @sunfl0wer-power , @holdingup-fallingsky , @bladenotblaze , @gretavanlace , @lipstickitty , @jjwasneverhere , @josiee-gvf , @peaceloveunitygvf , @musicislove3389 , @gretavanhockey , @gretavanazula

[rentumblsstuff]

Random Hatchetfield Headcanons

The first time Alice Woodward ever smoked weed was when (after much inner turmoil) she asked Deb to shotgun it with her.

Max has two snaggletoothed incisors which is why people swear to god he has fangs.

Deb also has a snaggletooth which is what inspired the vampire part of Alice’s vampiric sapphic play. Alice also thinks it’s ironic she made a vampire character when Deb is a vegan.

Ruth as a Sophmore hit on Senior Alice a lot. Alice thought it was funny and she and Deb “adopted” her. Max and Steph also put the PANIC in bi panic for Ruth.

Max would find it weirdly hot that Grace wears bathing suits under her clothes because of the idea that he gets to see what her body looks like before even she does.

The hospital is downtown, so Becky Barnes definitely got infected in TGWDLM. Despite never wanting to do it again, Becky climbs the tree as someone calls the HFPD to save Kathy’s cat because she’s still infinitely compassionate even under Pokey’s control. Plus, Pokey knows she wants to get over the trauma associated with climbing trees, so he makes her do it to give her a big number about finally overcoming her past. She accidentally flings the cat as soon as the song starts, which is why in Show Me Your Hands, the cat dies so quickly even though it JUST got called in.

Peter infected Steph who infected Deb who infected Alice in TGWDLM. Pete and Steph would have been Sophomores and Deb and Alice were Seniors, but I always imagine Steph and Deb knowing eachother because MRFC said Steph is in the Smoke Club on Twitter at some point. Assuming Steph’s been a little punk for a while, she’s been in the smoke club since at least Sophomore year, and probably a new inductee the same year as TGWDLM (2018).

Alice and one of her parents (maybe Bill) were also raised in purity culture because we know the Woodwards and the Chastitys go to the same church. The Woodwards probably take it with a grain of salt though (Alice has expressed dislike over Grace’s prudishness)- either that or one of her parents (probably her mom) wasn’t originally from said church and also raised Alice with “this is what you’re learning here, but here’s also what I learned at my church at your age.” Bill was likely the one raised in purity culture because he does NOT LIKE DEB and thinks that if she HAS TO date a girl, she should date someone like Grace Chastity, implying she’s an exemplary teen girl. Ms. Woodward lets Deb sleep over and probably knows she smokes and likes her anyways; three points for Alice’s mom not being the puritanical one.

Ted reads romance novels. He’s a former geek turned sleazeball- you know he reads the smuttiest novels ever and calls them “his research”. He refuses to read any book with the friends to lovers trope because it’s too upsetting to think about. (Side note Time Bastard gave us a definite date that timelines don’t branch/reset before depending on whichever theory you believe because the homeless man is in every timeline, meaning that Jenny’s death is fixed in time and never changes: October 7th 2004, so the timelines change anywhere between October 8th 2004 and 2018.)

In whatever timeline Emma finally gets to have her weed farm, she meets Paul when he tells her he was prescribed that marajamij for his anxiety and he was too scared to try Xanax. She thinks he’s kind of cute for a wet cat of a corporate slave. “Fuck the patriarchy? Yes please.” (Side note Paul seems so uptight and unfuckable like bro gotta be blank down there like a Ken doll and has no discernible kinks from what I remember while Emma is laid back and chill asf and like… normal in comparison so yeah sure Paulkins canonically fucks but does Emma enjoy it?? Like dude even Pete’s more fuckable than him come on.)

Pete and Steph don’t kiss when they admit their feelings for eachother even though one of them would die before ever getting to kiss each other because they both think it’ll only make it that much harder to go through with sacrificing the other. One of the reasons Pete also chooses to be the one to take the bullet because he doesn’t think he even COULD pull the trigger on her. Like it’d be physically impossible for him, in his mind.

TGWDLM was originally meant to be an allegory for the institution brainwashing us. Show Me Your Hands and America’s Great Again: examples of people in power working for and fulfilling the evil wishes of some almighty, otherworldly, inhuman THING (be it aliens, be it those in power). It’s clearly meant to satirize the way that power corrupts and tries to convince you its way is better. Even Hidgens, THE FUCKING TEACHER, tries to teach his student that it will be better for everyone to join in that corruption and give in to the hive mind. This reminds me of how the school system in America tries to paint our history as something glamorous; manifest destiny instead of genocide of the indigenous populations. The people in power convincing those under them that the deaths of countless lives is a good thing and it will pave the way to a better future. Cool motive, still murder. Which is why Emma “Fuck the Patriarchy” Perkins is the last one to be infected. She was incapable of being brainwashed , and even when she was the last one left, she saw that the people watching didn’t care, and the all-consuming threat of corrupted power closes in on her until the very last moment.

The Lords in Black were going to try to convince whoever sacrificed their most treasured something to do more work for them, but Grace required very little convincing. Like Wiggly spoke into her mind like “Gracy-Wace! You forgot my booky-wook! Look in it, see any thing you like? Wanna kill all the pervy-wervys?” And she’s like “holy cow I can kill all the pervy-wervys with this book?” Pete would have needed the most convincing because he’s just lost the only girl who will ever love him (in his mind) and so he’d think these things took away his one chance at true love and NEVER want to deal with them again. Even if they offered him a way to get her back, he’s too smart to know that won’t come without an even bigger price AND too paranoid to think she won’t come back wrong like Max did.

If the Green-Foster family ever did get to move to California and Lex got to be an actress, her interview attitude would be a lot like Reneé Rapp and if she ever got asked about why she’ll openly shit talk people in an interview, she’s like “I used to work retail I learned pretty fast that nothing gets done if you keep your mouth shut.”

[ceilidho]

Sorry to dump this here, but no one in my immediate and/or accessible circle reads as much as I do and this conversation came up at the right time.

I don't read a lot of romance and I started reading some popular ones last year to ease my way into it. I feel like such a snob to say this, but the plot and writing are never fully fleshed out nor are the characters. None of the romantic actions I see people swoon over are ever explained well enough for me to understand the hype. A scene in which there should be an emotional inner monologue is shorted to a paragraph and if the character is toxic (I understand a lot of people enjoy toxic/dark men, but romance books never write them well enough) and destroys the other character's life/says a relationship-ending lie/any other cliche, there is never enough explanation, justification, groveling, or any thought process behind the reconciliation.

It's always just one half-written and half-baked trope after the other.

Again, apologies for dumping it here, but I think there are such damning consequences for women (the main demographic of romance readers) who read things like this and don't give constructive criticism or thought when facing these problems.

no but you're 100% right. i mean, this is one annoying bitch's opinion (mine LMAO) but trad publishing is in the absolute pits right now. that's not to say that there aren't still some good books coming out because of course, every now and then you're going to get a gem. but i think the environment has become outwardly hostile to good writing.

i mean, i know this has been discussed a ton, but the "fast fashionization" of books has become a huge problem. every time there's a new microtrend or whatever, every author rushes to push out a book to meet the demand (see: the hockey romance trend). this, obviously, means that the editing time is severely compressed and you get books published by like harper collins and penguin with typos, grammar issues, and more.

i got some flack for this when i posted about it on twitter ahah but i honestly do not understand why the sequel to "fourth wing" came out so soon (not even getting into the messy qualities of the first book). sequels used to take a year or more to come out to allow for the book to go through several rounds of editing and fine tuning! what happened??!!

i think authors now feel compelled to get their books out as soon as possible out of fear that booktok/readers will simply move on after the initial hype and they'll lose their reader base. there's like an anxiety about being left behind in the current publishing world.

this is kind of in line with what i was talking about the other day with Bo actually - writing romance and smut is actually way harder than people think. you can't just use the same 5 recycled porn dialogue lines and call it a day. you have to care a little about the story you're trying to tell, not just churning it out to make a buck or to make people pay attention to you. i'm not saying belabour every single action and decision made by your main character or go crazy on description (i still think the sweet spot for a published book is between 250-300 pages, and maybe more if you're writing a genre specific book that involves a lot of worldbuilding), but as a writer you need to want to be writing that book in the first place.

no one who's legitimately excited about what they're writing is going to resort to cliches and overused tropes - they might lean on tropes they like, but there's inevitably going to be something original and exciting there.

also my lil controversial opinion about the state of trad publishing lately is that i think it's 100% influenced by this weird pervasive strain of purity culture that's on booktok where people feel like any enjoyment they get from reading a particular thing has a direct reflection on them as a person and their values. rather than it just being a book.

(by the way i actually completely agree with you that even dark romances are as bad as everything else we've been talking about - that's another conversation lol. i also kind of agree with the idea of more romance books coming with content warnings on the front page - this hasn't really caught on yet except with some dark romance authors but i think it's a really good idea)

i don't think there's anything wrong about people getting excited about books on tiktok and instagram and youtube btw. i think it's a fun way to share recommendations, commentary, and interests. what i think is the big problem is that the publishing industry has almost become beholden to trends and online perception because they've seen how much profit they can generate by catering to it, and i think that's why books now just feel bland and soulless. they're tapping into a FOMO on both the authors' and writers' side, of either being left behind and not being able to make a living, or missing out on what everyone else is reading and talking about.

[kindsoulbuddy]

The thing about praise and worship music at church is that

It’s catchy

Repetitive simple lyrics

It’s played on repeat every Sunday

So even though I’ve been deconstructing for years from evangelicalism, most days praise and worship music from my youth plays in my head.

So every once in a while I’ll sing to myself something joyful like “I got peace like a river I got peace like a river I got peace like a river in my soul!” 🎶

Or maybe “ Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere!” 🎶

Or maybe something peaceful like “As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after Thee…”🎶

Mostly it doesn’t bother me.

But then 90s/Y2K Christian pop music gets stuck in my head.

Like sometimes Rebecca St. James lyrics go through my head like this one glorifying purity culture:

“I am waiting for, praying for you darling! Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you! Darling Wait!”

Or you know just songs from DC Talk..

“What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?”

Or

“There’s no time to change your mind, the Son has come and you’ve been left behind.”

I think about the awful Rapture Anxiety I had for years and years…

And then i think about being in youth group and yes the fun times but also the moments when we had alter calls.

And the crying and sobbing. The speaking in tongues. The teenagers falling on their faces.

The sensationalized, sometimes violent “Human Videos” (just look up human videos on YouTube there are many).

Teens vowing to die for Christ.

When the Columbine shooting happened all we heard about were the apocryphal stories of students being martyred for Jesus.

I wondered “will a shooter come into our church today and ask us to deny Christ or be shot? What will I do if that happens??”

And what if I lose my salvation just because I had doubts? And what if I get possessed by a demon?

Not to mention purity culture and what it does to a young girl. (All kids suffered but we girls had to be modest and never cause any man to stumble by looking at our shoulder or something)

Abstinence class and signing a pledge to remain a pure virgin until my wedding night.

All the teenagers in every youth group were running around with raging hormones and couldn’t do anything about it. So a lot of us got married quickly. (I was engaged at 19, married at 21).

I mean I’m not even getting into young earth creationism or anti-gay rhetoric or pro life marches, etc..

But you can see that so much of my life (as good as it was for the most part, I was fortunate)was fear based?

And the thing is most of the people (congregation, I can’t speak for all the pastors and church leaders) at church didn’t mean for it to happen that way.

See, I was taught that there is freedom in Christianity. But why didn’t I feel free? That must mean my faith is weak, right?

It’s just so exhausting.

And I went to church regularly for my first 33 years of life. I volunteered, I taught Sunday school classes. I was trying to do it the right way.

Then Covid 19 happened.

I was forced to stop going to church for the first time in my life.

And honestly for years before this I was deconstructing. What really sped this process along was a certain Orange president and his very un-Christianlike followers.

And like Paul in the book of Acts, the scales fell off my eyes. I was blind but now could see. Really see.

The way my Christian peers were acting. The way they refused vaccines and even wearing masks. The cult-like behavior toward Donald Trump. The Christian nationalists.

And after a few months of no church…I realized I didn’t miss it.

After 2020, my deconstruction days really took off. I still don’t go to church (outside of a few weeks trying a gay-affirming congregation).

I used to compulsively pray.

And for hours i would pore over the scriptures trying to glean special meaning. Taking copious notes deep into the night.

(have OCD and I now realize that this brand of religion made my OCD symptoms so much worse.)

But it’s weird…

I have religious trauma. I’m learning about how I was literally in a cult. I’m still trying to unlearn stuff. I still get fearful sometimes about “what if I’m wrong?”.

But I still have good memories of growing up in church. Just like how I still sing old church songs in my head.

I’ve been to many churches, but I grew up in a small country church. I knew it like the back of my hand. It’s how I met some of my best friends and in turn, it’s how I met my husband of 17 years.

I can’t say I regret it. Like anything in life it’s complicated and complex.

I miss the social aspect of church too. I’ve never found another social space like it. I’ve tried! I can’t figure out any other “3rd place” that resembles it.

I’m not sure why i wrote so much down except to say i know a lot of people understand where I’m coming from.

In the meantime, I like to go on r/fundiesnarkuncensored, also i watch Fundie Fridays on YouTube…and I do quite a bit of reading on the subject of others who left the church. Recently I just read Tia Levings’ new book “the Well Trained Wife.”

I’m more at peace about it.

But I think my complex feelings and even some doubts will follow me forever.

[he13na]

help me move out of my controlling parents' house

hi, everyone. i'm a 29 year old autistic woman and i need help moving out of my toxic parent's household in order to live a normal and healthy life. in no way am i intellectually impaired, my mother uses my neurodivergence to infantilize me. she has always been controlling, but her grip is tightening and the demands she's placing on me are unreasonable. not only that, but she's violating my boundaries by telling her customers at work my personal business and seeking their opinions on what i should and shouldn't be allowed to do. i'm having to lie about going on dates with my friend who's also a love interest because she doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. she literally sat down next to me and made me friendzone him over instagram DMs so she would be more comfortable about a day trip we were planning, even though that was a lie and i have romantic feelings.

she's forcing purity culture on me, an adult woman, and making it so that i have no choice but to maintain my virginity with threats and a bizarre obsession with it, telling me not to be "giving anything away" when i'm just going out for coffee or a picnic, i'm having to lie about where i am because she'll cause trouble even though i'm not doing anything wrong, she's accusing me of being "up to something" and it's uncomfortable around the house when she tells me i'm being too quiet and i've "changed". i haven't "changed", and i just think she's afraid of losing control over me, so she's treating me like a teenager. she keeps demanding info about my dates with the same person, where i'll be, what time, what i'm wearing and getting too involved, then proceeding to guilt me into not engaging in any kind of sexual activity when that's not even on the table and i'm terrified of losing my virginity because of the consequences should she find out (and she will in one way or another). i don't have agency over that and it's not a choice i "get" to make, and i'm scared that if that moment comes, it's not going to be about me or my partner. it's going to be about her and the guilt and fear i've been conditioned with, and paranoia. i'm not allowed to go to another adult man's house unless his mother is home. these rules are reasonable for an adolescent or a high schooler, but this is just ridiculous and she insists i need to be chaperoned on dates. i'm not allowed to go out at night, even though i'll be with an absolute sunshine of a guy who promised to protect me and i can trust. my mother is getting other people involved in my love life and i'm living on eggshells, finding that i have to hide parts of myself and my identity because she's blowing everything out of proportion and criticizing my fashion choices and what i can/can't wear.

earlier this summer, she had her coworker besties and familiar customers weigh in on whether or not i should be "allowed" to go to the beach with my friend and she put a tracker on my phone. at 29 years old. i became so ill with severe anxiety that i lost weight, fell into depression, felt nauseous and developed a habit of shaking when i'm nervous.

i don't have any other friends or family to live with (he lives with his parents too and is also ND) and she's holding money over my head to keep me indebted. i owe her $3500 for helping me fix my car because i accidentally dented it getting too close to our gate trying to make room in the driveway for my dad's car and she wouldn't let me park in the garage, aka what it's there for. she charges me $500 rent per month and on top of my phone and car insurance bill, i have nothing left to give her or save to pay her back.

i'll never be able to move out with this financial obligation or even save up, and i really need help because this is unhealthy and her imposed rules, spreading my personal business, disrespect and exertion of control and manipulation over me is escalating. i have a job and it's not enough, barely covers my bills and rent. please help me because i'm beginning to feel like there's no way out and i need to get free. if you have some extra money to spare and you're feeling kind enough to help me, my paypal is:

thank you so much, and please spread this so that others may see it and help me. <3

[hadesoftheladies]

Hi! I’m a bit new to radical feminism, and I’ve been trying to learn, I was wondering if I could get your opinion on something?

I feel like part of the reason I don’t like these “I can reclaim my sexuality posts” *does something appealing to the male gaze* is because well, let’s say you are doing it for yourself and yourself alone (dubious I know) men just pornify it. It’s so disgusting, every part of girlhood is a porn category, but beyond that even gnc people are getting it too. It’s just that men make it revenge porn or wanting the woman to submit, it’s awful. Anyways, I don’t think I explained myself all that well, but yeah, do you think you could give me your opinion on it?

(I love your blog by the way :))

hey there! and i'm glad you're familiarizing yourself with radical feminist theory. i hope your interest continues to grow and that you benefit from it as i have. glad to have you here! and thank you for your kind words :)

i'd personally put it this way: your sexuality is what you like (what actually brings you pleasure) not what gets other people to like you. sometimes these two different things get muddled together. i've known women who have been victims of sexual assault who then became hypersexual. it's a trauma response that they experience as their sexuality, but it's really just a frustration of said sexuality. most kinks, especially more popular ones, are ones i find usually complicate sex, almost as a way of distancing themselves from the intimacy. because intimacy, sex and pleasure are very simple by default. stimulation, desire, connection, arousal. the more complicated it is, i've found, usually comes from a fragmented self.

whether you developed a poor relationship with your sexuality via shame (purity culture), trauma (early exposure to porn/assault), or peer pressure. if sex or arousal is complicated for you and has multiple steps, 9/10, i'd say it's coming from anxiety (whether that's bc of trauma, shame, or just not knowing what to do). because healthy sexuality is supposed to be a safe space. about pleasure and bonding more than mere performance.

it's unfortunate that most people view sex as a power play or an unsafe space that they are obligated to participate in. people who are comfortable in themselves and trust their partners don't usually have so many rules because the insecurity is at a minimum. there's nothing to regulate.

ultimately, i think, what you're trying to say is : conformity will never be a sign of power, only of submission. it is a final relinquishing of what power you do have. because men already objectify us, so us objectifying ourselves is only a concession. we don't reclaim power from men by agreeing with their definition of ourselves.

that's my opinion, anyways. from what i've read and the people i've talked to. :) hope it helps or satisfies your curiosity.

[chekovsphaser]

Ok so I don't know how well I will get this idea across but I've been thinking. About notions of moral purity and how that intersects with intrusive thoughts and anxiety spirals. And like, that seems obvious, moral purity is one of the most common OCD obsessions you can have but here's what I mean.

I have encountered on multiple occasions situations where people (generally white) won't even engage with anything or anyone who isn't like them but not because of a hatred, but because of a genuine fear that they are somehow doing it wrong or being morally bad in doing so. People who won't date people of other races because they're afraid it's fetishizing. People who won't write stories or create characters who have different backgrounds because they're afraid it's not their place to do so. People who won't engage in other cultures because they're afraid that they're appropriating. I have even been guilty of some of these things to certain extents. And like, not all of these people have OCD, a vast majority of them don't. But like, the way that fear functions and obsessively anxiety spirals into complete avoidance and back into being othering is exactly how intrusive thoughts work.

To use an example, sometimes when I am standing on an underground platform, I think about throwing myself in front of the tracks. Not even when I'm particularly unwell, it's just a thought that haunts me. If I obsess over it, I'll make myself afraid to ride trains, afraid to be places by myself, afraid to go outside. And I find the mechanism of these moral purity fears works the same way. You see someone who is beautiful and you think what if I'm just fetishizing them. So you stop looking at anyone who doesn't already look like you, and then you stop hanging out with people who are different from you so you don't have to feel the discomfort of the thought. And that's not healthy. The best way to combat this kind of obsession in my opinion is just to remind yourself that every person is a person like any other. And if you're in doubt about something, look it up or ask someone. Your fears about actions are not actions themselves.

[sapphire-weapon]

I think the fact that so many people want to label Leon/Ashley as canonically "sibling- coded" is because they feel threatened in the way they view other of Leon's relationships, they can tell Leon and Ashley have chemistry and they try to convince themselves that they have a familial bond going on (like Ellie/Joel) so that they can justify not shipping them and making people who ship it feel bad/weird.

Because nowadays so many people can't just dislike something, they have to make up a reason why it's morally wrong and unacceptable so that way they can bully people that think differently and feel like their own personal opinions are objective and right while everyone else is wrong smh. This is mostly the case with younger fans (tho a lot of people older than me does this too lmao) so that's why I don't really find it frustrating bc it's most likely they have limited real life experience. Plus they might not be that good at interpreting canon from contextual clues yet.

In my case though I think a lot of these people are actually doing the opposite tbh because to me it just shows that they recognize that Ashley's relationship with Leon is real and they can't even concede that they're friends in the canon because they know it could lead to something else if followed through in the story, they admit there's potential there subconsciously with how hard they try to make it seem otherwise with nonsense claims. It's like when insecure guys feel uncomfortable but try to seem tough by buying big trucks and having guns on them all the time lmao.

So, I've talked about this before -- about how the "sibling coded" or "problematic age gap" discourse is just modern-day fandom's way of slutshaming and engaging in casual misogyny in a societally acceptable way.

I'm pretty confident in saying that anyone in my generation who slaps "siblings" on Leon and Ashley are probably people who have another ship and have had it for a while and don't want Ashley getting in the way of it, tbh LMAO

Like.... my generation has co-opted the current generation's vernacular, but make no mistake about the kind of bitches we are. We're ship war bitches. That's all we've ever been AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE OUR WAYS NOW fjdskfh

But if we're talking about the current generation...

Media illiteracy is a big factor in this. It's no secret to anyone that the US education system took a massive shit starting in the late aughts/early 2010s, and things like critical reading skills aren't being taught in schools anymore.

I graduated high school in 2007. Two years later, I went back to visit an old English teacher to get a letter of recommendation, and he was lamenting to me that he'd just given up. It wasn't worth trying to explain the deeper themes of Beowulf to kids who didn't care, because the only thing that mattered was getting them to pass standardized tests.

So, now, without an overt, explicit declaration of love or something visually concrete like a kiss, kids literally do not have the skills to parse through a text and pick out themes and tropes and use of symbolism and imagery. They were never taught how to do it.

But there's a more culture-based thing happening here, I think. It's this fucking mess of a cocktail of internalized misogyny paired with learned helplessness, social anxiety, intense sheltering possibly exacerbated by the pandemic shutdowns, peer pressure, and internet purity culture.

I think it's pretty safe to say that fandom is predominantly made up of women and teenage girls. That was true in the 60s in Star Trek fandom, it was true in my generation, and it's still true today. And what I've seen happening today is that young women are absolutely terrified of their own sexual agency -- because the internet keeps telling them that, if you're under 18, it is wrong and bad and unacceptable for you to engage with anything even remotely sexual and how dare you express your sexuality -- and you'd better not do it not just because it's wrong and bad, but also because you are GUARANTEED TO BE PREYED UPON IF YOU DO. SEX IS DANGEROUS ALL OF THE TIME AND YOU'RE LITERALLY TOO YOUNG AND TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING SO DON'T TRY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Because if you're 17 and he's 18, he's a pedophile!!!!!!!!

I just.

So, we've now basically turned an entire generation of young women into the same type of young women who created the BL genre in Japan. These are women who were too afraid to explore their sexuality on their own, and it felt safer to do it with two male characters, because it was always more "okay" for men to be sexual. This is happening here in the West, now.

Slash ships have always been a thing in the West, but not to the degree that they are today. In today's fandom, if you have an M/F ship at all, you are outnumbered by at least 3:1 -- because M/M just "feels" safer for a lot of the current generation.

So, I think young women look at the Remake portrayal of Ashley Graham, and they identify with her. A lot. They're probably around her age, and her personality is very relatable to the kind of girls who play video games. Ashley's clearly introverted, but she's a fast learner who just wants to help, and she's got a good heart and a weird, kind of awkward sense of humor.

And, not only do these girls identify with Ashley, they're probably thirsty as fuck for Leon.

But that's terrifying to them.

Because they have been taught to fear their own sexual agency. The idea that an attractive, traditionally masculine, older man would be romantically or sexually interested in them is immediately categorized in their brains as wrong and bad -- and they don't want to think of Leon in that way.

So... for them, it can't be romantic. It can't be sexual. But there's clearly something there, but Leon would never abuse or prey on anyone so... that bond must be a perfectly innocent familial affection. That's what it is. That's what it has to be, because anything else forces them to face the uncomfortable reality even young women like them go on dates and have sex -- and sometimes, it's with men like Leon.

So, they thirst over Leon at a safe distance through Luis, primarily. Or they self-indulge on reader fic, because that's so much easier to write off as "just a fantasy" and not a statement on who Leon actually is as a character.

And it's just kind of sad, man. It sucks to see this happen to an entire generation of young women.

That's why I don't really get mad when I see the "siblings" shit out in the wild. I just feel sad for those people -- because they can't just say "I don't like the ship." They're so insecure and neurotic that they have to think of a reason why the ship is literally impossible to ever happen so that they don't have to be worried about it.

One day, they'll finally suck a dick for themselves and learn that it's not that serious. It's really fuckin not. Dicks are stupid, and the boys that are attached to them are even dumber.

[mqfx]

do you think feng xin has any way of getting over his fear of women. like. we see he's not afraid of lan chang but I'm currently wondering how the fuck that came to be since I don't see him passing by a brothel willingly at all. also asking since I have a fem martial god oc and trying to make them at least somewhat get along

by clicking below this readmore you accept the terms and conditions that i'm 1) going to skate dangerously close to extremely bullshit psychoanalysis, 2) pulling egregiously from headcanons, and 3) it's been 2 years since i read canon end to end. now let us begin

actually another disclaimer: no i'm not writing a nice essay for this i literally have work tomorrow so if it's disorganized mais oui pay me and i'll do better. also, some discussion of sexual assault (canonically happened to jian lan + implications and social mores around it)

i think feng xin's "fear of women" is more complicated than just, "he's afraid of women." phobias can stem from something barely or not at all directly related; in other words, what you react to may not really be the cause of the fear. here's what darian leader, a bri'ish psychoanalyst, has to say on the matter:

"Amnesia, for Freud, was not the only form of defence. There was also a repression that operated by displacement, moving the emotional charge of an event on to some small and contingent detail."

now you may be like "my liege where the fuck are we. why am i tied to this chair. what's freud doing here." shhhh baby i'm working up to it. the question we must first ask, before "how can we fix him" is "what is it that needs fixing?" that is, we need to find the "event" that creates that "emotional charge" that then gets "displaced" on some "detail". most of these we already know or can guess at

event: many possible canon answers, all of them easy. he was under so much stress during the xianle fall and during his time with jian lan (a relationship borne from that very stress to begin with), which of course ends in baby's first thematic heartbreak. if this is the seed, the "event" from which his present-day phobia comes from, then of course the later ju yang problem could have triggered and exacerbated what was once latent anxiety into full-blown neurosis.

before that, he was wary of women. why? because feng xin is a stickler for black and white morality--as such, he likely followed strict codes of conduct for virtuous men towards women. but it's likely that he wasn't so scared that he couldn't fall in love with and have sex with a woman--he simply hadn't developed that phobia yet. that means, so far: i believe feng xin did not have his phobia until later.

this is where we get into headcanon territory as additional support for above. we know that feng xin was raised with the role of guardianship and protection. we can assume that this is a society that values chastity as well, given how people reacted to jian lan's rape as her being defiled, with the rapist expecting that she would marry him to preserve her honor, and it is considered notable that she fought back and demanded justice instead. what does that tell you about the kind of society they all grew up in?

not to mention, this is the society that taught its own crown prince to follow an ascetic path of cultivation, knowing damn full well he was expected as a crown prince to have babies in the future. a massive contradiction (which may be oversight on the author's part but we can't assume that in lit analysis i'm afraid so roll with it we must), but not unheard of, especially in conservative societies. but let's not get caught up in that rabbit hole of purity culture, which does not apply to an eastern-inspired fantasy

back to the points: 1) xianle was a conservative society that valued chastity. 2) feng xin was raised in this society to protect. 3) feng xin has a black and white view of the world. what does this make?

a guy with issues that's what. pre-phobia feng xin was wary of women because, we can assume, society drilled this into his head: women can be defiled. as a protector, it is your job to make sure this does not happen. you, a man, are capable of defiling, so you must watch your conduct so that you don't bring ruin to yourself and others. and there's no nuance, it's all or nothing

i have a lot of problems with that statement too but please consult.... like, any feminist philosopher. i vaguely remember judith butler saying smth about how "possessing the instrument of violence does not make the person inherently a violator" or smth in gender trouble, but surely you can find so many other versions of this statement

is what feng xin learned a truth of the world? NO! is it gonna be the basis of his moral code anyway? YEAH! but this would have worked in theory (internally, the Woman is not treated with respect so much as condescended to, but in practice, ideally, the Chivalric Man would Do No Harm upon the Woman) if two things didn't happen.

ok so right now we've got The Basis of Feng Xin's Moral Code in our hands. falling in love challenges that theory, because here he goes falling for a defiled woman and seeing her as a Person and not an Object to be protected. oh it's going great, he's gonna unlearn the toxic masculinity, he's gonna heal and have a more well-rounded outlook--

and then he gets his heart broken. which REINFORCES THE LESSON, that if you fuck a woman and then you can't protect her (in marriage, the only sanctuary of honor) it will ruin both your lives. now we've got the EVENT that becomes the seed. from here it's easy to see how centuries of requests of a sexual and procreative nature would be reopening that wound over and over and how he gets worse

at this point i think we can now answer some things. "what is it that needs fixing?" feng xin's attitude about sex, which is ingrained into him by both society and reinforced by an unfortunate heartbreak. "what is he afraid of?" not women, but failing his role as a protector by becoming the very instrument of dishonor and violence.

sex for feng xin carries double the negative connotations. now he's like, "i'm never doing that shit again it hurts so bad it's not worth it." "that shit" in this case is intrinsically tied to sex because this was the only period of his life in which he had it. am i saying that slutting it up could save him? if he had other, more neutral sexual experiences, perhaps with people who are not women, could he finally disconnect sex from those flawed conceptions (aha)? moving on

now we get to the second question. if then we accept that feng xin's not afraid of women but of dishonor, all it would really take for him to be normal about a woman is to eliminate every possibility of them being susceptible to that dishonor. in other words, a woman only has to be completely divorced from the notion of sex, completely inaccessible in one form or another. i mean, he's not afraid of ling wen even though she's a woman. why? because ling wen cannot BE fucked, so she is "safe" from him and he can let down his guard.

look. we know that feng xin's not the type of guy to . well he's not pei ming let's just say that, and even pei ming has some honor to him (all his dalliances are consensual). feng xin doesn't have any real reason to be afraid of himself. but when has fear ever been reasonable?

so finally to get to YOUR question, and not just the ones i used to facilitate this yap sesh: i don't think it would be that hard. depending on when this happens in the timeline, either have him come to some realization or other (perhaps it happened before the scene you wish to imagine) that his existence alone is not tainted, or that women aren't clamoring to fuck him (hard to make him unlearn the ju yang prayers though). or make your OC competent enough that he sees this OC primarily as a martial god and not for her femininity

and finally, a coda:

"so if it's not womanhood that terrifies him but sex, specifically 'destroying' or 'defiling' someone via sex, does this mean he's also gonna have problems if such a situation would arise that sex with someone known to have an ascetic cultivation can occur?"

yes. yes it does. :)

--

TLDR:

feng xin did not have his phobias yet before jian lan

bro was raised with chivalrous (or chauvinistic) views on women and sex, later reinforced by untimely heartbreak

he is not afraid of women; he is afraid of hurting others in very specific ways, which goes against his born protective "role"

hypothetical ways to ease his fear: give him more perspective or reassure him that a person will not be harmed by him

coda: it's gonna be hard for him to fuck someone with an ascetic cultivation background. on both sides. PLEASE consider this

[zanygamer25]

I am asexual

cw: aphobia, purity culture, slut shaming, objectification, meandering rent

So many people tell me “I can’t possibly be” for this that or the other reason and honestly this pride month I’m putting my foot down and saying I’m fucking tired of hearing that.

I was told as a child I was dressing immodestly, in a baggy t shirt and jeans. It had nothing to do with my clothes, it was always about my body itself being a source of shame and sin. I was told maybe boys wouldn’t pick on me if I didn’t flaunt my developing breasts so much, as an elementary schooler, according to a male teacher older than my father. Another child’s mom looked down at me, her eyes roamed over my body in my damp sundress after running through sprinklers and said “I would never let my daughter dress like a slut.” I wasn’t being sexual, I didn’t think of sex. But I was a slut. I was a child, in a child’s body, who needed to cover up more for inciting sexual thoughts and sexual anger in adults. I was impure before I knew what sex was. A prelude of attitudes to come.

I am asexual and I was told at church I would have to have sex whenever and however my future husband wanted or else I’d be a bad wife. I said I didn’t want to marry or have children and was laughed at, I’d be a great wife and mother, just look at my hips, my chest. Things that had nothing to do with my own desires, I was a consumable good that was up to par. My desires didn’t matter. I would meet someone and get married, and it was impossible that I didn’t. I “needed” a husband after all, regardless of my desires.

I am asexual and when I came out to someone last week. He responds “if you didn’t have… this… would you hook up with me?” He can’t even type the word asexual back to me, it’s too horrifying to him. It’s too much. I’ve heard this a lot before. If I didn’t have “this” he alludes to it like it’s an illness that can’t be spoken about. I ask him if he means my sexuality. He says “yes, I wish you weren’t like this.” If I didn’t have my sexuality, if I was a fundamentally different person who looked the same, he would be happy. If from the time I was 5 years old proclaiming my best friend as my “crush” in my limited understanding of romance that would never align exactly with the definition everyone else used. My exploration of relationships, my conclusions for myself. If you could wipe off my entire life and take the shell left behind once you ripped out my inner self, you’d be happy using it to pleasure yourself. never mind about what I want. It’s such a tragedy for you that I’m asexual. It’s a scene that’s played out a dozen or more times since I became an adult.

I hate him in one second after weeks of amicable chatting and gaming as friends. It poisons everything, I wish you weren’t like this.

my extended family asks me about marriage and children. I’ll find someone, I have to. I need to. I don’t want children or a husband. I have to. I need to. I wish you weren’t like this. My doctor asks if I’m sexually active and gives me a pregnancy test before examining even though I’ve never in my life had sex and tell her as much. I must be lying. I have to be. Everyone “needs” sex. My coworkers ask me why I’m not married. I need to be, according to them. My therapist says I’m single because of my anxiety around relationships, as my anxiety lessens over time I’m more and more certain I’m asexual, maybe even aromantic, but I can’t be. “You shouldn’t be like this.”

Never mind what I want. What I know. I’m asexual, get over it.

[thistlecatfics]

two things, one, i would wait till you've watched all of s2 to get a better understanding of ben's character, no spoilers ofc and you can do w/e you want, but just a recommendation from someone that's alr finished :)

two, what exactly makes you uncomfortable vis-a-vis the show's politics? i think i'm in a bubble of heartstopper superfans atm and i'm curious about your perspective xx

Hello! I've been thinking all day about this show lol, and I hope I can finish it tonight after I finish up work.

tbh I've seen enough spoilers for the show that I'm not sure if there's anything that's going to change my perspective in the last few episodes but we'll see! It may push me to write this Ben-sits-at-a-pub-across-the-street-from-a-gay-bar fic or it may totally dissuade me from doing that.

Re: the politics of the show in general. Happy it exists! Lovely cast! Lots of fun, and I see why it's so healing for so many people. Not everything needs to be for me specifically as a millennial dyke!

A couple unfinished things that have percolating in my brain:

Sexuality as identity vs sexuality as experience (the show seems to portray sexuality almost entirely as an identity which you discover, not as a social position you experience related to your own desires) (it feels extremely tumblr in that way)

The absence of desire in general! I know much has been said about the absence of sex in this show, but it does feel strange that there's so little sexuality (as experience) in a show about sexuality (as identity).

The absence of politics in general! Like... the baddies are bad and the goodies are good, but it seems to be saying nothing at all about patriarchal oppression? Which is fine I guess. I saw someone say (about Ben Hope) something along the lines of "bad people can be gay, straight, asexual, and it doesn't matter." Which is not untrue, and it seems pretty clear that the creators of the show agree. But it seems to locate "badness" as an individual thing unrelated to power and politics, which is an analysis I totally disagree with.

This is maybe jumping ahead, but I'm sooo deeply concerned for young people who buy into purity culture and intense moralizing and labeling characters as irredeemable and undeserving of community. It just feels like a cultural recipe for increased anxiety and OCD and decreased ability to respond to genuine, political oppression at a time when the far right is doing some scary, scary things.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Good evening Sex Witch,

I have a question re: forming a healthy relationship with one’s own sex drive.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with sex. I’m male, in my 30’s and gay. I’ve only had a few encounters, and while I don’t regret any of them, I also feel a lot of cringe re: my own performance and have similar fears about future encounters.

For some context, I’m a big guy (fat and tall) and I don’t have much physical dexterity or stamina. I also have body image issues (because ofc) and some lingering anxieties that come from a background of purity culture/ aids and std scare tactics (conservative small town childhood). I guess I feel like I need to “git gud” before I try reinstalling grinder, but I know a lot of of that’s just the internalized body/fitness shame talking, along with a little remaining prudery. You can’t git gud without practice after all.

Don’t worry, I’m not asking for magic bullets. I’m working on other issues I’ve got, and I do have a therapist. But if you have any thoughts about what a first step towards finding a better relationship with sex is re: performance anxiety and feeling safe… well, I’d love to hear them.

Thanks for reading!

hi anon,

listen: looking back and feeling cringey about your past self is totally normal. it's totally fine as long as you aren't being unkind to your past self for doing the best they could at the time; instead, take that feeling of discomfort as a sign that you want to do better by yourself in the future by having sex you feel more confident about!

so, how do we do that? of course there's no one thing that works for everyone, but let's talk about some places to start.

if you're worried about your physical prowess during sex, I'd recommend looking up sex tips for folks who are elderly, disabled, or otherwise have mobility problems. now, you or someone else reading this might be saying "but Makenzie, I'm not elderly or disabled! the idea of accessing those resources makes me feel uncomfortable and defensive for reasons I suspect you're about to make me unpack!"

look: ideally, you are going to be old one day. and the odds that you will reach old age and still be exactly as spry and mobile as you are in your younger years are VERY low, but you (like many other elderly people!) may still want to have sex. so first off, think of this as a chance to take a look at the answers before the test. secondly, the tips are there, and if they work for you then they work for you. why wouldn't you want to make sex more comfortable, enjoyable, and low-stress as possible? whether it's trying out new positions that are easier on your body, using strategically-placed pillows to make things easier on an aching body, or using toys to help extend the experience when your flesh and blood body taps out, there are sexual accessibility aides for almost everyone.

being nervous about AIDS and other STIs is very normal, but also a very addressable fear! keep your condoms at the ready (external or internal, take your pick), know about STI testing near you (remember: two weeks after a new partner is ideal if you have concerns), and have an honest conversation with every partner about your respective STI statuses. if necessary, look into PrEP and PEP options near you - PrEP for if you're planning to have sex with someone who is or might be HIV-positive, PEP within 72 hours if you find out a partner was positive after the fact.

and remember: sexually transmitted infections are not the end of the world. they have no moral bearing and do not say anything about you as a person, and nearly all (with some exceptions) can be completely cured with the proper medication - so make sure you're aware of what's normal when your body is healthy and heading to a doctor as soon as possible if anything changes!

you want to git gud? the best way to do that is developing a firm sense of what's right for you during sex so that you can come to potential partners prepared with an informed conversation about your health and ready instructions for the ways you like to have sex. you know what's hot? people who know what the fuck they want. I don't even mean that in a dommy way (although, sure, if that's your cup of tea!) but rather people who have put the time and effort into figuring out what they like and want to try and readily communicate that with partners so they can share in that pleasure instead of having to guess.

spend some time thinking about what that looks like for you, and what you might want to try out with other people. you don't need to be perfectly smooth about it; a willingness to mess up and laugh it off is actually vital.

tl;dr: don't go into sex acting like you need to apologize for being you, babe. show up ready to show your partners exactly what you like, and open the space for them to do the same in return. that's the space where magic happens.

[agonycrossbow]

I'm pretty confident in saying that anyone in my generation who slaps "siblings" on Leon and Ashley are probably people who have another ship and have had it for a while and don't want Ashley getting in the way of it, tbh LMAO

Like.... my generation has co-opted the current generation's vernacular, but make no mistake about the kind of bitches we are. We're ship war bitches. That's all we've ever been AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE OUR WAYS NOW fjdskfh

But if we're talking about the current generation...

Media illiteracy is a big factor in this. It's no secret to anyone that the US education system took a massive shit starting in the late aughts/early 2010s, and things like critical reading skills aren't being taught in schools anymore.

I graduated high school in 2007. Two years later, I went back to visit an old English teacher to get a letter of recommendation, and he was lamenting to me that he'd just given up. It wasn't worth trying to explain the deeper themes of Beowulf to kids who didn't care, because the only thing that mattered was getting them to pass standardized tests.

So, now, without an overt, explicit declaration of love or something visually concrete like a kiss, kids literally do not have the skills to parse through a text and pick out themes and tropes and use of symbolism and imagery. They were never taught how to do it.

But there's a more culture-based thing happening here, I think. It's this fucking mess of a cocktail of internalized misogyny paired with learned helplessness, social anxiety, intense sheltering possibly exacerbated by the pandemic shutdowns, peer pressure, and internet purity culture.

I think it's pretty safe to say that fandom is predominantly made up of women and teenage girls. That was true in the 60s in Star Trek fandom, it was true in my generation, and it's still true today. And what I've seen happening today is that young women are absolutely terrified of their own sexual agency -- because the internet keeps telling them that, if you're under 18, it is wrong and bad and unacceptable for you to engage with anything even remotely sexual and how dare you express your sexuality -- and you'd better not do it not just because it's wrong and bad, but also because you are GUARANTEED TO BE PREYED UPON IF YOU DO. SEX IS DANGEROUS ALL OF THE TIME AND YOU'RE LITERALLY TOO YOUNG AND TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING SO DON'T TRY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Because if you're 17 and he's 18, he's a pedophile!!!!!!!!

I just.

So, we've now basically turned an entire generation of young women into the same type of young women who created the BL genre in Japan. These are women who were too afraid to explore their sexuality on their own, and it felt safer to do it with two male characters, because it was always more "okay" for men to be sexual. This is happening here in the West, now.

Slash ships have always been a thing in the West, but not to the degree that they are today. In today's fandom, if you have an M/F ship at all, you are outnumbered by at least 3:1 -- because M/M just "feels" safer for a lot of the current generation.

So, I think young women look at the Remake portrayal of Ashley Graham, and they identify with her. A lot. They're probably around her age, and her personality is very relatable to the kind of girls who play video games. Ashley's clearly introverted, but she's a fast learner who just wants to help, and she's got a good heart and a weird, kind of awkward sense of humor.

And, not only do these girls identify with Ashley, they're probably thirsty as fuck for Leon.

But that's terrifying to them.

Because they have been taught to fear their own sexual agency. The idea that an attractive, traditionally masculine, older man would be romantically or sexually interested in them is immediately categorized in their brains as wrong and bad -- and they don't want to think of Leon in that way.

So... for them, it can't be romantic. It can't be sexual. But there's clearly something there, but Leon would never abuse or prey on anyone so... that bond must be a perfectly innocent familial affection. That's what it is. That's what it has to be, because anything else forces them to face the uncomfortable reality even young women like them go on dates and have sex -- and sometimes, it's with men like Leon.

So, they thirst over Leon at a safe distance through Luis, primarily. Or they self-indulge on reader fic, because that's so much easier to write off as "just a fantasy" and not a statement on who Leon actually is as a character.

And it's just kind of sad, man. It sucks to see this happen to an entire generation of young women.

That's why I don't really get mad when I see the "siblings" shit out in the wild. I just feel sad for those people -- because they can't just say "I don't like the ship." They're so insecure and neurotic that they have to think of a reason why the ship is literally impossible to ever happen so that they don't have to be worried about it.

One day, they'll finally suck a dick for themselves and learn that it's not that serious. It's really fuckin not. Dicks are stupid, and the boys that are attached to them are even dumber.

[eyes-talks-ocs]

HELLO THERE! LOOK AT ME, I'M GONNA ATTEMPT TO DO A THING! [And I'm late to the party by a few days, like usual 😅]

I didn't get the chance to participate in Whumptober like I have the past few years, and NaNo has always intimidated me. But when I saw @winterandwords putting on this event, I just had to jump on it. Not only is it low to no pressure. Which is perfect for me since there has been NO CHILL in my life this year. But also I've been meaning to work more on myself, especially with the no chill I've had.

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Writing Goals:

🗯️ Fix up the new beginning chapters in Social Throwaways - earlier this year I realized I had started my project in the wrong place story wise, and that's why I was having such a hard time writing the beginning and trying to move forward with it. So now I have the task of moving over all the important scenes and info from all the scrapped chapters in the beginning....so yeah...sifting through about 30,000 words and trying to figure out where and how I'm gonna weave all the important world/character building into the current new beginning chapters.

🗯️Try and get to Ch 20 - I'm on Ch 16 right now. Not going to push myself too hard on this goal. My chapters tend to be chonky boys. Averaging 5,500 to 6,500 words. 😬 But if I can get just a couple chapters done and moved forward, I'd be happy.

🗯️Work more on character voice - Just as it sounds, make my character's dialogue have more unique personality. Macaw is easy, he's always had his own distinct voice. But a few of my other characters I feel sound too similar to one another.

🗯️If you think it's weird, make it weirder - taking inspiration from a post I saw a while back. I need to get over the 'purity culture' that's around writing and media. I need to get over the fear of being ruthlessly burned at the stake for writing "bad people", "taboo topics", "grey morals", and just having brutal scenes by deranged individuals. I need to learn just to ignore the posts picking apart media and trying to socially castrate the authors/creators. Basically, 'fuck you, I'm doing what I'm doing, because I know that writing certain topics doesn't mean I support them...'

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Self Care Goals:

🖤 Make a better creative space - that banner I used up there, that laptop, yeah that's mine sitting at my little desk in the living room. I NEED to start getting into the habit of using my computer more for writing. I work so much better and faster when I sit down and write on my laptop. It's just 100x easier for me. But over the past year or so, I've been exclusively using my phone over the computer for writing and it's really lagged me back. Sure the phone is convenient and doesn't take effort to set up. But setting up and getting the laptop out, making a cup of tea and getting into the space to write is FAR better and productive for me.

🖤Do the FUCKING dishes - okay. Dishes are a huge source of dread and anxiety for me. The executive dysfunction and task avoidance is very real for me with them. I'm a very busy person, so my dishes pile up and every Saturday is my Dish Day™️. Where I slog through the pile of dishes in the sink. But if I just wash the couple of dishes every night instead of letting them pile up over the course of a week, theoretically, I'd stop dreading it and the anxiety over it should be less.

🖤Wake Up Earlier/Spirituality - I'm an alarm snoozer trying to get my 45min morning routine done in 5 while trying to get to work on time. I used to be really good about taking my time in the morning to work on my spiritual work (Hello fellow Pagans), but life got busy and my practice fell to the back burner, and that burner is set to low. I wanna move it to the front and get it simmering nicely again.

🖤Spend more time with my family - this includes friends too. I used to stop over at my nephew's house regularly to hang out, help with chores, and be a good adult role model. But life with no chill has me exhausted and not wanting to leave the house. I feel bad because I haven't had a DnD / game night with my nephew or brought him out hiking for a good while now. I know he's been bummed over it, so I need to quit isolating and go socialize. 😅

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Anyway, these are my goals for this month, I think I should be able to hit them. Hopefully 🤞

[onewomancitadel]

Sorry I keep my blog mostly to fandom nonsense but this does sort of speak a little to writing about depicting relationships so like whatever... anyway saw this ostensible anti-capitalist call all relationships transactional by nature (and is a good thing) and it made me laugh but in a really sad way. It's true that you need fundamental values that you can ground your beliefs in so you're not just randomly buying into whatever the algorithm or some nonsense clickbait is selling you lol.

Relationships aren't transactional, they're only transactional when someone is using you that way... it's a poisonous conception of a relationship and it's worth considering whether people view you that way but certainly not universalising about the absolute ideal model of a relationship.

I don't really know how much this fracture speaks to the inability for people to understand storytelling isn't an in-out transaction and the same is especially true for romance... like treating relationships in media as just the equivalent of figuring out the best household appliance on the market, or even the same conception of personal relationships, like nonsense pseudo-deep 'the only reason you're with the person you are now is chance, you could fall in love with anyone so it doesn't really matter' lol k I'm sick of absurdists universalising their belief systems. I hate when those 'the universe means nothing so make a difference!' posts go around like I know you guys think you're freeing yourselves from religion but you're universalising your beliefs in a way that suggests you are really really not lol.

On this webbed site or indeed other webbed sites people will make the same kind of nonsense cynical claims about romance and ideals in fiction like 'nothing happens for a reason these characters could be with anyone' and I have to wonder if it's all connected? Like is there genuinely some social shift into absurdism (and relatedly nihilism) which is impacting the way people relate to stories and other people? Because sometimes I feel like it transcends media criticism and the type of commentary that's valued online and it's speaking to something more fundamental in peoples' attitudes, and I wonder if a whole system of anxiety (nothing matters/everything matters to an extreme degree of toxic anti/purity culture!!!!) is operating here lol.

Sometimes I feel like the whole 'things that happen in story matters in an intelligible logical way' is like a microcosmic argument I have with absurdism asserting itself as like the ultimate philosophical discourse which is uninteresting and boring but like whatever. I feel like it can be a really silly move to relate the way people personally relate to each other to the way they engage with fiction because it's not 1:1 but it's hard not to when fandom politics are entangled with shifting politics and manners of relation online.

Anyway I didn't quite know how annoyed I was to see 'relationships are transactional' asserted so unironically. The whole point of romantic relationships, friendships, and family is that they're about human connection and vulnerability. They can't be summarised in an easy way because they're like the root of how you interact with the world from when you're born, whether or not you continue to cultivate those relationships or whether or not there wasn't the sufficient presence of them... they're not a transaction because you can't buy them and because you don't need to, they're something that you put effort and care into which turns into something really special worth more than anything? I don't get tired or annoyed helping my friends, it brings me joy? That joy is not self-serving?

You can see how it relates back to what I write about on here because like... the complex relationships that people have with each other is something you can never really exhaustively describe. It's a never-ending font of intrigue and magic.