#I DONT KNOW I need to overcome this some how. My goal for 2025
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I tthink I could stand to be weirder and gayer about barney.
#And other fictional characters of course but you Know.#It's just my anxiety about. what people think of me and the purity culture that's been baked into me from day one#Where I'm like. Ohhh I'm not allowed to be gay and thiunk people are hot . BUT THIS IS A RULE I MADE UP FOR MYSELF 🙌 WHAT THE FUCK#I thiunk fat dudes are ridiculously hawt. Okay . And women. And And and and . I THINK EVERYONES RIDICULOUSLY HOT.#ourhrghghggghhh. . Guh#I DONT KNOW I need to overcome this some how. My goal for 2025#ITS SUCH AN ODD THING because this is a thought pattern I only apply to myself#And this is like veering into vent territory but I KNOW it's because I spent years being infantilzed by friend groups#Because I was so sheltered as a Kid. Where then I'm like.#Ohhh hes the sheltered aspec kid who's uncomfortable with himself as a person and Such topics because they were new and scary#Let's all treat him like a smol bean ^_^ and that's who you are now and you can't change that and that's all you're allowed to be .#AND IT SUCKS BUT I DONT KNOW . WHAT TO DO#Anyway. Sorry for bringing barny into this . But it is His fault ☝️#Somehow#Guh. GUH#Leo yells#whatever WHATEVWERRR.
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heavy on 2025
i'm sitting at the 2nd floor of this coffee shop around kutek, feeling not so well but i gotta move my ass from my bedroom and need to finish my work before tomorrow. it was raining, just for an hour. i ate a drumstick, and drank nothing but a hot coffee (they got me the wrong order at first, it was an americano which i never liked) and now im listening to the catcher in the rye playlist (just to remind myself that i need to read it soon (just because i still fall in love with that guy who told me that his favorite fictional character is holden caufield)
the playlist is actually pretty nice. it fits the nuance of the book well, even though i have just read it for like 1/4 part of the book yet. it makes me thinking about him too (of course) (thats why you dont save people into songs). to think that he's the one im looking for my entire life is nothing but an understatement. he's the standard. he's the current criteria of judgment, the indicators of evaluation, the phenomena, the 'that is all'
it scares me somehow that it'll be hard for me to find someone just like him or actually better than him; and thinking about how long will it take to overcome him; to meet another standard, to realize that there will always be someone better (yes this is a necessity)
or maybe i'm just a simp afterall? idk
but then i somehow feel like im safe because i, in fact, know that whoever that someone is, will be the perfect version of what i need
and thats also why im not longer thinking about it as a goal, cause i know that there must be some kind of a way, or scenario, or whatever that is that will find me
above all, im busy to make anything but it happens, which is:
i need to graduate this semester
to finish my internship
to land on my first job
to celebrate 22 with my beloved ones
to see the la la land live
to travel with my homegirls
to make my mom happy
to become a better version of myself
to see the unsee
to unsee the see
to just be me
well, 2024 was not such a bad year, though. it shaped me to be a lover of myself, to lost and found people that i appreciate, to made me believe that anything can happen...........
here's to 2025, where i'll achieve anything that i want, to make the best out of myself, to feel my love and my life, to cherish everything in between.
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