#It sucks but I can ride it out.

[artistic-argonian]

Just something random I felt like putting out into the void. Rambling, venty paragraphs below the cut.

You know, I'm getting pretty tired of having thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority for random reasons, if any reason at all. Especially as all I can do about it is either sit there and stew in it in hopes that it shuts up for a bit, or vent about it and end up talking in circles or repeating myself to the point I'm sure people are sick of hearing about it and wish I'd just shut the hell up, learn to stop hating myself and listen to them already.

Whether it's because I'm incapable of things I should really be able to do at my age because of incompetence, not being interesting enough as a person to stand out in any way that matters without being annoying, worrying people see me as immature or childish, or the fact that being aro means I can never be anything but "just" a friend to anybody. That even though that's the most meaningful bond I can have it's one that to some, if not most people, means nothing compared to someone you're dating even if it's only been for a few months, vs years of friendship. It hasn't happened to me yet but I'm worried- no, terrified that it will someday; that I'll end up being cast aside or put on the back-burner when someone more important inevitably comes into the picture, who can bring my friends happiness that I never could... And there's nothing I can do to stop it because I'd care far more about my friends' happiness in that hypothetical situation than my own. My feelings in that scenario wouldn't, and probably shouldn't, matter.

I just wish I could love myself as much as I love everyone around me without feeling selfish or wrong for it. I feel like even accepting a compliment without downplaying it is pompous and arrogant of me. Even though I'm told not to compare myself to others, and I've told people that myself time and time again, I always do it and find ways that I'm inferior. Less interesting, less engaging, less worthy of praise or love. I see friends struggle with inferiority complexes and always think, "Buddy, you have no idea what it's like in my mind on a regular basis, so I GET IT." Anything people like me for I feel like I'm almost a cheap knockoff or bootleg of someone else, like my "likeable traits" are the same ones other people have, but they do it better. I try to be the stable and reliable friend but when it comes to dealing with my own thoughts and emotions I crumble.

I'll get through it, I know I will. I just wish it wasn't a cycle that makes me feel guilty every time I go through it, because I feel like it annoys the shit out of my friends (hence why it's here where less of them are likely to see it). Their words and kindness do wonders, it's just the thoughts don't stop because it's so deeply ingrained in me. The question of, "But what if ___" is always in the back of my mind, it's just quiet until it isn't and then I can no longer ignore it. But it'll quiet down again... Eventually. I'll just have to ride it out, and this is the last time I'll try to mention it until then.

[madamemiz]

saw a post recently about the sun and moon fandom and how non-selfship content is rare, and how that's frustrating, and it struck me, like... how rare that is. genuinely in all my 20ish years in online spaces, i've never seen a fandom that not only welcomed selfship but actively encourages it, when usually the rule of thumb is that it's tolerated at best and despised at worst

so why is this fandom so selfship centric?

the answer is a combination of factors, of course, but I think it was mostly just a perfect storm of the right character with the right traits at the right time. many people between about 23 and 33 were and still are experiencing intense childhood nostalgia that's being perpetuated by online culture and various media, often through a distorted or slightly unsettled lense. the daycare attendant is fun! they're childish, but decidedly not children. they're not human, unattainable in reality, but plausible enough in the age of ai that they make you ponder. they make you long to nap and play and color and do all the whimsical things you wish you could take a week off from your dull job and do! but there's something... off about them. an element of danger that's intriguing. they're dangerous, but what if they aren't to you specifically? or, if they are, what if they overcame that, just for you? what if you were worth it?

people our age are lonely, and if not, often working through issues they didn't have time to contemplate in their teens and early 20s because they were still living throigh the issues. younger people too, of course, but it's especially rampant in the aforementioned age group. past college and college friends, too caught up in work to make new ones. if the dca really clicked with you as a character, it's kind of fun to imagine what it would be like to hang out with them. what if they were your friend? what if they were more?

which leads to my last point--cringe is dead and we stomped on its corpse

maybe it started with a few people drawing a y/n with the dca, and wow the art is cute! who's the cute jester character? ... is that a self-insert? huh. and then more people join in. is that allowed? yes! and the crowd cheers for it too! the right people drawing the right character dynamics at the right moment, drawing others like a moths to a strange robotic flame

ultimately, the fandom attracts so much selfship because that's the bedrock, the foundation the rest of the fandom built its home on. almost all of the common tropes and characterization have roots in selfship fic and art. the dca's popularity very much kicked off from that, and seeing other people using them as an outlet for their loneliness, friendship, romantic or sexual desires, or even just for creative character and plot setups that are only tangentially related to canon actively encouraged others to join in, in a way that could only happen while riding the funerary coattails of cringe culture

it's very much a lightning in a bottle fandom, the likes of which i doubt we'll see again for a while

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[shadyhouse]

hey im really sorry to do this but i have literally no other choice, my phone service got shut off because i didnt have enough money to pay my bill ($55) and i cant really afford to not have phone access for a week until i get paid again... if anyone is able to help me out id really appreciate it 🙏

id like to be able to use my phone and make calls and all that. i need to be able to use my bus fare for work and receive texts and i really dont feel safe being out of the house without it :( i have one dollar to my name until next week, if youre able to throw anything my way at all itll help a lot

vnm: tobias_leviathan

pp: paypal.me/bewearrr

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Why did they do that tho

Every once in a while I think about how in the books, Geralt does anything and everything for his Dandelion, and goes murdercrazy when Dandelion is threatened/captured, and Geralt loves and looks after his Dandelion at every point And the netflix show made Geralt hate him, ignore him, and barely acknowledge his pain after getting TORTURED I just- YOU DON'T NEED TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO YOUR FRIENDS TO BE A 'BADASS HERO'!

In my heart they are happy and in love and geralt's not a cunt <3 I am a okay with the the half of the fandom that is firm on them just being friends, hell yeah they're friends! Amazing ones, at that! But you know who we all hate? The people who agree with TWN!Geralt's treatment of his bard... For shame... For shame....

[bayetea]

just all of this from moa regarding frank/hazel/leo. the most uncomfortable romantic tension ever because nobody understands it and nobody involved wants it to be there

especially "Hazel's eyes glittered like gold. 'Gold is easy,' she said. It didn't seem that way to Leo--not when he looked at her." like we can interpret this in a few ways. what an interesting thing to think about a girl you just met

and the whole "if this is a private special thing that she's only done with her boyfriend then I either really don't want to try it or I really really do want to try it" like STOP cut the cameras. leo my boy you're dtm I'm crying

[funshinebf]

i need a new primary care provider soooo bad. ive been going to my pediatrician still 😭😭😭 yes im 22 yes i see a pediatrician. trying to find a new dr is scaryyyyyy

[pallanophblargh]

Post-vacation clarity in the form of... word vomit? Sure!

First: so very lucky. So very fortunate. Grateful. That I FINALLY got to cross off a bucket-list vacation and see some massive trees and beautiful mountains. Everything I could have imagined! And it's definitely worthy of a re-visit, once time has passed and I've recovered financially.

Second: I'm so amused that my slight trepidation regarding the potential for "culture shock" was unwarranted. See, if you're a rather unsocial midwesterner schooled in the ways of "Minnesota Nice" aka Advanced Passive Aggression, you might be worried about venturing into more direct/easygoing/outgoing cultures. I was delighted to take a vacation from blatant pettiness and passive aggression during my time out west. And honestly? I miss it. San Francisco was pretty agreeable, all things considered, and I will make a point to revisit.

Third: I loved taking the train! And at the same time, I'm heartbroken for the way passenger trains have to operate in this shithole country. Please. I just want so many trains. At all hours, in every direction. And, if it's NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE, for assholes to not drag enormous tractor tires onto the tracks. (Fuck you, Utah.)

In conclusion: I'm so happy I went, and now I have to go through my photos while I reluctantly pick up where I left off here. And yes, California, if I can, I absolutely will be back. Thanks for having us.

[derpinette]

when i exchange a message whether i receive or send one i have to immediately shut off my device & walk some laps for a few minutes to shake off the adrenaline rush

[cyberphuck]

It was a fortnight's hard ride, in hot weather. The skin had lost all the freshness that youth had once lent it. The blue eyes, always his best feature, were gone. But his tumbled brown hair was dressed with star-like pearls, and from the shape of his face, you could see that he had been beautiful.

(severed head under the cut)

[elytrafemme]

How do i even fucking answer that. Genuinely. Do i even answer that. I dont really think ic are that much anymore

[muddlemore]

had to forcibly remove a tonsil stone for the first time today

[pristine-starlight]

oh yeah hi btw i'm not dead

i just moved into a different country a bit over a week ago, so there have been a fuckton of errands to run about it + now that i live with my partner and overall in a situation more suited to me, i have acquired more enriching things to do than zone out on tumblr, so my screentime has plummeted

we'll see how things continue to shake out in that regard but i'm likely just gonna be a lot less active on here overall

[the-kestrels-feather]

D'you think Vampires have a favorite blood type like do you think they crack open a boy as a cold one and go "fuck man, it's a B+. I hate B+" or "FUCK YEAH AB MY FAVORITE", and also like, does blood type matter when sucking blood like if you drain an A+ person and then a B- one will you get sick? I need to know about vampire blood typing

[eleventeenratsinaflannelsuit]

telling the psychiatrist who gets me my adhd medication that i dont have abnormal anxiety except now im pulling another anxiety-driven all nighter because every time i close my eyes i feel slightly like im going to die from thoughts

the moral of this story is dual enrollment sucks