#Is to... Be comfortable with myself and accept myself plus share life with someone

[mrfoox]

Oliver freaking tf out when im crying as we talk is an favorite thing

[gb-patch]

GB Patch Games: Sensitivity Reader Update

Okay, well I am able to make another statement before Rose does. I can now explain much more easily why I didn’t fire Rose. There’s been new developments with the leakers. The people behind this have doxed Rose’s discord account (please don’t go looking for it) and also shared a screenshot of an email that was sent to my support address months ago. They believe that incriminates us somehow, but really all it’s done is shown in broad daylight what they were doing and why I was defending Rose so much. If I had brought up that email as a connection to this myself people understandably would’ve thought I was making a conspiracy.

However, it is out now. Here is the story- a few months ago someone who wanted to remain anonymous sent me an email with a screenshot where Rose called me a cracker. And I told them I appreciated the concern but it’s alright, was there evidence of Rose being unkind to players? They had nothing. No response.

As an aside, yes, I have been aware for a long time that Rose uses crude language when talking about me. That doesn’t mean I’ve hidden how evil they were from players. It means I’m allowed to choose what I’m comfortable with. That original “reveal” didn’t shock or upset me in any way. Our Life is a sensitive, wholesome game, but I’m a full-grown adult. I’m not innocent or pure. The game I released before OL is XOXO Blood Droplets. Something I wrote and released to the public is full of crude jokes, curse words, and violence. It’s cartoonish and comical, but edgy. Rose themselves likes to BS with bad words and I’m not accepting abuse because I think getting called a pussy is funny. I know Rose doesn’t hate me or wish me any harm. Rose also isn’t causing “discourse” for me and my games on purpose, they were joking that bringing up serious topics is “discourse” to some people. Ironically, the leakers who did this are trying to make some “discourse” on purpose.

Regardless, I initially thought that email was from someone earnestly worried for me and that they moved on when it was clear I was fine. But that’s not what happened. Them and at least one other person have been waiting for months to bring this up again. They went through almost a year’s worth of Rose’s private posts to collect as many unflattering screenshots as they could, and then they didn’t send them to me. They posted them publicly. I had a suspicion from the get go that it was the same person/people from before who couldn’t prove anything to me in private. And if true, how horrible is it that a bunch of the comments they shared were crude language towards me, something they already knew I’d brush off as nothing. They decided for me that it was wrong and they wanted the rest of the players to do the same. Or even less charitably, those extra posts were simply there to make Rose look as bad and untrustworthy as possible and they didn’t care that I was comfortable with it. I could not explain everything we were thinking/feeling at first, but behind the scenes we were discussing how this was personally motivated and not a knee-jerk act without forethought. And we do know for certain at least the main people involved now, and they do have personal issues with Rose.

Also, if you still believe that they just wanted to help the game at any length because Rose is that huge of a risk, showing that email and framing something innocuous about me (not fainting at the word “cracker” and politely being open to more proof) as serious “evidence of wrongdoing” at GB Patch Games makes me believe they want to smear Rose so bad they’ll try to turn players against me as well. Plus, the post is framed as “this email was anonymously sent to me”, but we know from account details that the people who could’ve gotten those screenshots of the discord and email are the same people who sent that email and started this situation, which is embarrassing. I’ve confirmed the screenshots shared in the email to me and the original public post came from the same private, “venting-safe” discord server. There’s very few people in there. We know it’s still you and not a separate source. I can’t prove they think I’m stupid or in their way, but I can’t see how anything they’re doing is trying to be beneficial to the creation of OL: NF. They told me in the email they’d give me more evidence if I requested it and I was ready to know, but instead they went silent for months and then did this.

I want it to be clear that this doesn’t mean players can’t wonder if Rose has enough experience to be a sensitivity reader right now, or to worry they’re so invested in the game that it’s going to effect how objective they are with their feedback, or to say that Rose is flawless and has never done anything hurtful. However, I hope you can understand why I was on Rose’s side and couldn’t just fire them over this. It felt so incredibly unfair. If another person tries to get their way by doing this in the future, I will not hail them as a hero and immediately fire at the target. And I don't tolerate any racial harassment of any kind to anyone on my team.

If those people want to continue to share Rose’s private posts in retaliation, you can fuck off. If you somehow reveal now that Rose is secretly a murderer, I’m not gonna apologize and say I was so wrong about you. If you had tons of evidence of Rose being horrible to players, you should’ve sent it all to me and with full context to begin with in the email like you offered to do. I just don’t understand.

Any players who like to see someone’s least flattering points portrayed in the worst possible way and continue flocking to the leaks as fandom drama, I don’t want you in this fandom. I don’t want you to enjoy my games.

Anyone who has been truly hurt by this and are left confused and angry, I do completely understand that. I didn’t know how to handle this, and it made a lot of people not know how to keep trusting me. I am still looking into getting a community manager to help me better communicate with players, especially when something serious happens. And I’ll always be around for you to reach out to if you have doubts about anything.

[littlespacereader]

Hello! Could I request some Cg! Matt Murdock headcanons please? I saw you just wrote for him and I had no clue you were a fan of Daredevil too so I’m pretty ecstatic right now lmao. Anyways THATS was all have a great day!💜💜💜

Of course I can!! After writing the Valentine’s Day fic about Caregiver Matt Murdock I literally can’t get enough of him! So here are some cute Headcannons for Matt Murdock as a Caregiver! Plus some extra Daredevil type things as well!

Caregiver Matt Murdock Headcannons (SFW)

Matt is probably one of the nicest and gentlest Caregivers out there. Being someone who is extremely sensitive to sound himself, he is never one to raise his voice in anyway to his little one and is always going out of his way to make sure their comfortable.

You met Matt by simply running into each other. You were lost trying to find a doctors office in the same building when you popped your head into the office of Nelson and Murdock. Little did you know the simply mistake would change your life forever.

Matt and you got along so easily. You became quick friends and began to share everything with each other. He shared his secret double life as Daredevil and you shared your secret of regression.

Matt is extremely compassionate and was honored you trusted him enough to not only tell him about your regression but also start regressing with him. When you eventually asked for him to be your CG, he was head over heels. Of course he accepted and here you two are today!

Matt is a judgement free zone. Whatever you want or need for your regression he is all for it! Wanna wear diapers? Totally chill with him! Wanna have a sippy cup? He already bought you two! Aren’t the biggest fan of something? He respects your boundaries and strives to make you comfortable!

His favorite thing to do with his little one is go to the park. The city is loud and sometimes overstimulating. But the parks in the city help drown out some of that background noise.

He loves to go on picnic and lay all day on a blanket in the sun cuddling his little one close. Or he love to sit and listen to his little one running around the playground giggling and playing.

Matt is religious but he NEVER pushes his beliefs or anything of that nature onto his little one. He would NEVER. Whether his little one believes the same thing as him, believes something different, or doesn’t believe anything at all, his motto is that it isn’t his business to mind or care.

Matt is not really a tv or movie type of guy. But he is a big reader! So the two of you have your evening story times together! You settle down in his lap, sippy cup in hand as he reads one of his braille books to you all while you rest your head on his shoulder.

Matt is a big cuddler. Like most heroes he comes home late in the night after a long night of fighting crime. Cuddling helps heal the horrors that he witness. You’re his rock, you settle him down enough to sleep, your heat resting upon his chest is all he need to be able to fall asleep.

When Matt comes home hurt or injured from fighting crime, his Little takes it upon themselves to try and make him better. After all they just got themselves a doctors kit from Claire! It’s got bandaids and all sorts of stuff to help their Caregiver feel better. Matt sometimes feel guilty about it, he feels as though he should be taking care of them not vice versa. But he can’t help but love his little one as they run over with their kit to make him feel better, kissing all his injuries and putting plenty of bandaids all over him.

Oh? You wanna sneak into the kitchen and grab yourself a cookie without Matt knowing? Think again! His hearing is good, too good. “And what do you think you’re doing?” “I’m getting myself a snack.” “Standing on the kitchen counter infront of the tall cabinet where the cookies happen to be stored?” “…” “That’s what I thought get down.”

He’s stern but he’s a massive pushover. He’s too sweet to really be that stern.

Now let’s talk about Matt’s family

While Matt’s birth family isn’t alive, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. Infact he has the best family anyone could ask for! Foggy, Karen, Claire, and yes…even Frank at times. All of them love and accept Matt’s little one. Some of them even go above and beyond for them!

Foggy & Karen are in their lives the most, working with Matt will do that. They both adore Matt’s little one. When he brings them to the office they’ll completely ignore Matt and spend all their time giving them all their love and attention. Karen and Foggy will literally fight over the Little! They are his go to babysitters and they are honored.

Foggy is Uncle Foggy and you guess it, he’s the fun Uncle. He’s the type of uncle that sneaks you candy, sticks up for you against your caregiver even if your clearly guilty and breaks all your caregivers rules when they watch over you. He loves to play around and be a goof.

Karen is Aunt Karen. She’s usually a buffer for Foggy’s craziness. She’s kind and gentle. She loves to play with the little one, any game they like from dress up, to race cars, to something simple as a board game. She’s always knows their needs without them saying a word. Her kind gentle nature always put the little one at peace.

Claire and Matt’s little one became friends after they called her in a panic because Matt was badly injured. She arrived and not only took care of him, but also his little one. Being a nurse she’s seen regression so she’s no stranger to it. She’s also prepared for it, having pacifiers, fidget toys, diapers, sippy cups and more. Whatever they chose to take she’s prepared to always make sure they’re at ease. She eventually becomes one of Matt many babysitters for his little one. At first she made a big deal about it, she doesn’t mean a word of it having fallen for the adorable Little. Now their her little medical assistant.

Frank becoming Uncle Frank came as a shock to everyone, especially Matt. His little one once got roped in some bad business and The Punisher saved them. Frank called Matt and explained what happened. Matt expected to come back to his apartment and find Frank and his Little chatting, but definitely not cuddling while he read them a book, doing funny voices for all the characters. He’s never seen Frank so paternal before, so gentle. But his little one brought that father side of Frank out. They’re helping him heal through his tragic past: After that, Frank was added to the list of baby sitters Matt had in his arsenal.

At the end of the day Matt and his family of friends love and accept you for the adorable and fun Little you are!🥰

[ell-alexanderarnold]

Words bubble up like soda pop

Summary: Y/n gets fed up by the arguments her and Trent keeps having

Angst & Fluff

Another argument had ruined your day, small conflicts bubble up to a big argument. You can’t believe the arguments kept sneaking up behind your back every day, you’re sick of it. But neither of you cares about it, that’s the problem you can’t seem to take the matter into your own hands. It’s like an never ending loop, conflict-argument-he says he’s sorry and tells you he loves you- cuddles then it goes on.

-

“I said I’m not feeling well, why can’t you accept it?” You said, it felt like the hundredth time you’ve said it. Tonight Trent’s friend is hosting a party that he wants to go to but you have no interest of going, you just couldn’t stand him at the moment after all the words he had said to you last night plus all the nights before that. “You only care about yourself Y/n” Same sentence he brings up every fight. Not just that, your mental health has been shit as well and it blends into the state you’re at in your relationship with Trent. He knows that you’ve been fighting with your mental health before, but now when the season isn’t going well for him he has started to blame himself for a lot of things that’s happening with the team. He uses you as a wall to throw all his emotions on you- which you didn’t mind at the beginning, you wanted to be there for him but now it has become too much.

“Come on don’t be dull, it will cheer you up” Trent pleaded.

You thought about it for a minute. Maybe this was the point where you couldn’t care less, you felt like everything in your life was out of place, why not have a little fun in all this mess?

”Fine, I’ll go” You stated.

You spent the rest of your afternoon getting ready for the party, you took a shower, picked an outfit, did you makeup. You decided to go for a navy blue dress and loose curls in your hair. This was the first time in a long time you felt beautiful, you smiled in the mirror and then went down the stairs, Trent was waiting on the couch looking at his phone until he saw you.

He walked over to you and spoke “Wow baby, you look..”

“Amazing? Yea I know”

“Wish I could say the same” You teased.

“Hey!” Trent gushed as he grabbed you round your waist and kissed your neck.

You felt his warmth around you, his perfume that comforted you, you felt safe in his arms. But suddenly you remembered how he had treated you lately and decided to take a step back.

“Trent, we should go” You spoke up after a moment in his embrace.

“You’re right” He said and let go of you as the two of you walked to the hallway and got ready to leave.

In the car on your way to the party you two listened to your shared playlist and vibed along with the songs - acting like everything was okay between you two, you got flashbacks from the beginning of your relationship when you were two dumb teenagers madly in love. You think back and wondered where did it go wrong?

When you arrive at Trent’s friend house you see many cars parked outside the house and you already know is gonna be a tough night.

You entered the house and loud music is playing, people dancing and you see Trent’s friend approach you two.

“Trent, nice to see you! And this is?”

“My girl, Y/n” Trent said as he looked at you and you smiled at his friend.

You leave Trent to speak with his mates and you sit down at the bar ordering one shot for yourself. You felt the liquor burn down your throat, as Trent sat down next to you.

“Take it easy Y/n don’t lose it again” Trent mumbled.

“Excuse me?” You snapped.

“Don’t want you all wasted, just saying” He shrugged as you felt the anger rising inside of you, he could piss you off so easily and you hated it.

“Don’t tell me what to do, I can handle myself”

“Clearly not” He accused.

“Piss off Trent” You cursed back at him and walked away to get away from him. As you were on your way to the restroom you could notice someone following you, Trent. He grabbed your wrist and spoke“Where are you going?”

You didn’t answer him and kept moving forward and locked the door. You had reached your breaking point, it all crashed down on you. You were sobbing loudly but at this point you didn’t care, you were also pretty sure that the music was too loud for anyone to hear you until your phone buzzed.

Trent: I can hear you Y/n, let me in please

You slowly got up from the floor and unlocked the door, he looked shocked like he had never seen you this broken before.

“Y/n, What’s wrong? Wh-“

“What’s wrong? What is wrong Trent? I’m tired of this.” You cried into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Tired of what my love?” He uttered.

“Can’t you see? We keep having these fights every single day, it’s destroying us. Aren’t you tired too?”

“Yeah trust me I am” He chuckled as you sniffed.

“Then why aren’t we doing anything about it?” You sighed.

“Three years ago I would never have thought I'd be in a restroom with you crying over our relationship” He scoffed.

“Trent answer me”

“I don’t know Y/n, but I’m sorry it has to be this way. I really am” Trent said as you noticed his eyes began to tear up.

Great. Now you’re both crying together, what have you two done do yourselves? You knew you two couldn’t escape that you loved each other too much to break up, so that felt safe in your head. He couldn’t live without you, you couldn’t live without him, who would take care of you when you’re wasted like this? Trent would, who would take of him after he lost a game? You would.

“I love you Trent” You said.

“We’re gonna fix this Y/n, okay?” He assured.

“Okay” You said as you took a deep breath to calm down.

Trent hold you in his arms for a while, just the two of you in a restroom on a Saturday night.

“Let’s go home and watch a movie together” Trent suggested.

“Only if you let me choose”

“Of course my girl” He said and kissed you.

[cherry-poppins]

Don't Go Baking My Heart - (Underswap!Sans X Reader)

I'll bake my feelings into goods  Just for you to eat them so I feel understood What do you call sharing sweet treats together  A warm kinda love that stays forever 

You sit and stare at your phone, the blue light illuminating your face. The clock reads 1:55am. You loved nights, they were so comforting, peaceful, quiet. You could get so much done. Except tonight you were bored. You sigh to yourself, thinking of the options you had to feed your boredom.

You could go to bed and sleep, any normal person would. Get a nice cup of tea, read a good book or put on a movie. Play some white noise as you sarcoma into slumber. But you were too bored for that, you needed something to do. Then the idea of baking struck you, but as much as you'd love to do that by yourself you always found baking more enjoyable when you did it with someone.  

Which led you to stare at your phone debating whether or not to call your best friend. He'd be most likely sleeping and you'd feel guilty if you woke him up, knowing how much he valued his sleep. But then again he always said that he was up for anything…. Fuck it. 

The phone rang for a few seconds before your favorite skeleton answered, sounding groggy and a little annoyed. "You have three seconds to capture my attention or I'm going back to bed…. Unless you’re dying…. You’re not dying right? or is it a dead body? Stars i always knew this day would come, ok we're going to need-" 

He was unfortunately cut off by your laughter, sounding much like a tea kettle as you wiped the tears from your eyes. “Hahahaha I called you and the first thing that comes to your mind is that I'm dying or that there's a body involved? Geez and i thought your brother had a grim sense of humor”  

You giggled as you heard him sigh, sensing his disappointment through the screen. You didn’t need to see, knowing he was rolling his eyes at your attempt at humor. “Hardy hahaha, real funny. Wow you’re such a comedian you should have your own show. So did you need help with something or??” 

“Oh yeah I was wondering if you’d want to bake with me at my place?” You asked your voice trailing off at the end, now considering if this was a smart move. 

There was a pause on the other end of the line before you hear another long sigh. "Do you know what time it is?" Sans asked, sounding more awake now. 

“Yeah I’m aware…. But I need something to do and before you say anything I have considered all of the above and more. This could be fun plus I know you have a sweet tooth” Listening to the grumbling of a sleepy skeleton made you use your final straw.  

“Come on, don't make me bake by myself Starboy.” 

There was a pause before you heard a fit of giggling from him which soon matched your own. “Oh man, you're really pulling the ol’ nickname card. Alright you got me, you make it really hard to say no to you.”

You grinned, silently accepting your victory. "You know you love me, besides this is payback for all the times I had to deal with your last minute antics."

A totally exaggerated gasp comes from Sans. “Unbelievable, that's so not true. You know it's quite hurtful that you’d say- Pft nah I’m just playing with you. You make a fair point but i feel like we have this pact were you deal with my antics and i have to deal with yours” 

“Ha, cheers to that, but on another note hurry your bony ass up and get over here!” You yell into the phone, laughing as you hear the broken reply of Sans. Something along the lines of don't yell, it's too early for that shit. Bla bla, think of the neighbors. 

Sans then promptly hung up after claiming he’d be about 10 minutes. You waited for a few minutes before throwing him a text, reminding him just in case he fell asleep.... or got side tracked. Which happened often. You didn't mind though, he always made your life a bit more interesting. Kept you on your toes, all though you suppose he could say the same thing about you. 

Just as you’re about to text him again you hear a lil “ thwip ” from outside your apartment. Unable to contain your grin you rush to the front door, quick to unlock and open it. “You teleported here?” 

Standing in front of you with a slightly embarrassed look on his face stood Sans, wearing a blue flannel and fluffy blue pants with yellow stars. You couldn’t help but giggle to yourself that Sans was half dressed in his Pj’s. Not that there was anything wrong with that, he just usually preaches how put together he is.“Heh yeah, first time for everything ay? Also don't tell Papyrus, I know he’ll never let me hear the end of it.”

“Pft nah, wouldn't dream of it. Besides I feel like this’ll be good blackmail for the future” You joked as Sans rolled his eyes. 

“We little Miss Blackmail, may I come inside?” He asked, leaning against the door frame. 

With a large amount of consideration and a pinch of playful sarcastic comments you allowed him to enter. As the two of you walked towards your kitchen Sans asked what you wanted to make. “Heheh… the best i can do is chocolate chips cookies,  not that they’re bad. I make a mean batch of cookies.. But unfortunately that's about it” You smile sheepishly as you leant against your fridge. 

“Oooo that sounds great, who doesn't love chocolate chip cookies?” He reassured me. “Besides, don’t worry I make a mean batch of cupcakes. We’re freakin’ set” 

You smile “alrighty then, let's get baking!” 

Ok, the first thing you needed was the ingredients and cooking equipment. You ask Sans to get the mixer and bowls while you get the ingredients. Checking the fridge you scan the shelves for the ingredients you needed, though you were quick to find that you'd need more butter. 

"Oh come on…. Hey Sans we need more- Eh, what are you doing?" 

You watch as the panic spreads across his face as he gets caught red handed mid eating a handful of chocolate chips. Finishing what was in his mouth he laughs nervously before answering painfully slowly. “Eh… eating the chocolate chips?” 

Good grief. You let out a chuckle, informing him that we didn't have enough butter. Only for his response to be eating more choc chips. "Hey!!  You eat one more handful of chocolate chips and I'm sending you to the shop to buy more!” Giving him a playful bonk on the head as you jokingly  scold him. “Even though technically we have to go anyways because of the butter” 

"What shops would be open this time of night?" he asks. Fuck, he did have a point. You groan to yourself not hiding your disappointment, wondering if yall were even gonna be able to do this 

Sans thinks for a moment before he snaps his fingers as his eyes light up with literal stars in them. "You know my house would be closer, it was shopping day yesterday. We’d have to be quiet though because papy might be asleep."

“Heck ya! Awww, thank you Sans!!! I really appreciate it” You let out a giggle and a squeal, bringing him in for a crushing hug which was eagerly received. 

Despite being late at night ... or too early in the morning the two of you had gotten yourselves into a giggle fit, shushing each other as you attempted to sneak into his apartment. Just when you had thought you were in the clear you were caught by Papyrus with a cup of tea in his hands, although from where he was standing he thought he’d gotten caught by you two. We all stood there silently staring at each other until Papyrus broke the silence.

"Well good morning to you too" he said, giving a sleepy smile, giving you a small wave. 

"Technically the human hasn't slept" he giggles along with you, playfully rolling his eyes as you wave back. 

Papyrus chuckles at that, leaning against a wall. "Huh, well that makes two of us.” He says before taking a sip of his tea, only to nearly choke on the sip as Sans gasps realizing he had in fact been caught red handed. 

"Papy you promised you'd sleep tonight, this is the third night in a row. You can't keep taking naps throughout the day, it's not healthy." Sans crossed his arms and huffs. 

Papyrus sighs and shrugs at his older brother. "yeah, yeah i know but i finally have the motivation to get shit done and i'm taking full advantage of it. My book isn't gonna write itself ya know"

"You write those words papyrus!!" You encouraged him, throwing some finger guns.

The two brothers giggle at your silly attempt at encouragement. With that the two of you are left in the dark hallway, the faint smell of fresh coffee filled the cold air. Gathering the ingredients you'd need quickly and quietly you were back to your apartment within half an hour.

“Alrighty we got the remaining ingredients, we got our recipes and the oven is set to preheat” You say, looking at your fully prepared counter top. You look over at Sans and dramatically point at him, acting like a gameshow host. “You know what time it is Starboy?!” 

Sans smirked, flipping up the collar of his flannel before stroking a pose. “Time to get baking!”

You get back and start baking the cookies and teach sans. While the cookies are baking he teaches you.... Then there was an incident with the flour. you don't get these messes when baking cookies. you both decorate the cupcakes and ice them. 

You first taught Sans how to make your chocolate chips cookies, showing him the measurements, how to make it properly, and that a lil vanilla extract goes a long way and makes things taste so much better. Apparently he didn’t know that you have to mix all the wet and dry ingredients separately before mixing them all together. He then taught you how to make his cupcakes… There was an incident with the flour… and the blue food coloring… And somehow there's yellow star sprinkles everywhere?!

You don’t get these messes when baking cookies, or at least not when you do them. Regardless you had fun, chasing him across the kitchen with an icing covered spatula. Though he did get you baking with a cup full of flour, miscalculating his teleporting jump and ending up crashing on you… with the cup of flour. Now you could say you and Sans were matching colours. 

By the time you both were done the sun was starting to rise. The kitchen was a mess, you had cupcakes and cookies for days. and you both were covered in flour, icing and sprinkles. You both laid against the pantry door, watching the sun spill across the dining room table and across the floor. Sans checks the time before giggling to himself. "Heh usually i go out for my morning jog by now."

The realization finally sunk in, you had kept him up with you for the entire night till dawn, inconveniencing his own routine. “I'm sorry that i've kept you up.... i just thought…." Your spirling thoughts got cut off with Sans handing you a cupcake. The icing was by no means perfect. The icing was kinda uneven and the sprinkles were all decorated on one side but taking a bit of the baking delight it tasted delicious. 

"Don't sweat it, I love baking with you" he smiled at you sweetly, thanking you as you reached over and handing him one of your own baking delights. 

He takes a bite of your chocolate chip cookies and absolute melts, success! That's what happens when you spend years perfecting a single recipe!! Now only if you could put the same effort into your other recipes, or perhaps even your studies? 

“Mmm definitely worth it” Sans praised as he indulged in the cookie. 

“So worth it” you reply, finishing off the rest of the cupcake, wiping whatever frosting stuck to your face. You turn to Sans before asking “You wanna get cleaned up, get in some comfy clothes and nap all day?” 

Sans whined a bit, letting his head hit the cupboard door behind him with a thunk. "Ugh you're starting to sound like my brother.... but i might have to take you up on that. It sounds nice… perhaps Papyrus is on to something with that napping of his” 

[tommstic]

Being trans in the south

Hey all! I’ve finally accepted myself, and I think that now is a perfect time to share my story. This post will contain transphobic language, descriptions of dysphoria, and other possibly triggering things. I think it’s important to read just to get a look into the life of a trans kid in the south, but if it makes you uncomfortable, please skip if you need!

I live in the southern area of the USA. It’s not really a secret, I talk about my state and the whether pretty often so it’s not like I’m trying to hide who I am. Because of that, I feel comfortable sharing this story with some more personal details.

I live in South Carolina. The state is no stranger to anti-lgbtq+ corruption in the local government and in the citizens. SC is one of the states which has currently banned LGBTQ+ topics to be taught under the umbrella of sex ed. With this info, you can probably infer what life as an lgbtq+ teen is like in the dead centre of a red state.

I realised I was trans during late 2019 - early 2020 (my memory is fuzzy due to unrelated matters, so sorry if the timeline feels fuzzy sometimes). I decided to identify as bigender at the time. I only came out to my close friends, and that was after months of being scared they wouldn’t accept me. Of course, they accepted me, being lgbtq+ themselves.

Later on, somehow, word began to spread that I was trans and people at school began to ask me questions about it. It was scary. I remember being so anxious every time someone would come up and talk to me during that time because I was afraid they would harass, hurt, or judge me because of my identity. And naturally, whenever someone would ask, I would tell them I wasn’t trans and they’d heard wrong. It felt weird to act like I was “the victim of gossip” when in reality it was true. I was trans, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Time passes, blah blah, unimportant nonsense. Nothing really significant to my identity happens, I still identified as bigender. I was trying to accept myself more by being more public with my identity. I wanted to believe that the south wasn’t as hateful as the media portrayed it, so I was public about my identity online and would tell people I was trans if they asked. My first instance of experiencing genuine transphobia was when I was banned from my friend’s house by their dad due to me being trans.

I felt so sick that night and I cried so so much- I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that my identity had gotten me banned from seeing them again. I felt like I was the problem.

Then I entered my freshman year. I started wearing pins on my ID because I wanted to try again. Plus, I assumed that if I was in a public space I’d be safe. I wasn’t entirely wrong, but in some instances it didn’t exactly work out.

There were certain classes where I took off my trans pin from my ID. Mostly classes overrun by country kids and openly trans/homophobic people. I would put the pin in a small pocket in my bag and wear my ID as normal.

One day I did the same as usual, putting my pin away, and I noticed this kid looking at me weird. We leave the classroom and when we come back to pack up I check my bag and the zipper is opened and the pin is gone. Now I’m not completely sure it was him, but someone stole my pin and I know it wasn’t out of jealousy. There was a sticky note with a shitty cross drawn onto it. Losing the pin sucked, especially considering the motive, but it was the least of my problems.

People from my school would occasionally send me DMs via Instagram telling me I need God and how I’m disgusting. I was even threatened a few times, which was sadly no surprise. I’ve always prided myself on not taking cyber bullying seriously when it’s aimed towards me. I don’t typically let it affect me. But when you’re already surrounded by an environment that seems to absolutely hate you, having your online spaces being invaded the same way hurts like hell.

During the same class I mentioned earlier, I was called slurs both to my face and behind my back. Two kids were talking saying that “the class had been ruined by the tr*nnies,” while nodding in my direction. Another kid had asked me straight up if I was a tr*nnie.

It was around this time that I felt like giving up on my identity. I still felt sick looking in the mirror and looking at my body. I still hated everything remotely feminine about myself. I still hated being a girl but I decided that it was just easier to suppress my identity and go back to being “normal.”

In other words, being told that Id never be a real man was the straw that broke the camels back.

I still mentioned being trans in passing when I was talking with my friends, but generally I kept it a secret. During this time, I began to feel even worse about myself. I considered suicide because I felt like I would never be a real man. I felt like I wouldn’t ever be able to free myself from this prison that I had built for myself by rejecting my identity. It was shitty and it felt awful. I kept holding on to any piece of femininity I could find in myself because of how much I started to hate the idea of being trans. I hated it so much I just wanted to stay “normal.”

I relapsed. The only other trans friend I had at the time was a fucking enabler who I should have cut off forever ago, so it just got worse. I started doing stupid shit that I can’t even say on here for my own safety. It was bad, it put me in danger, and it was disgusting.

I began to calm myself down after a few months of not thinking about it and I decided to wade back into the waters of my trans identity by identifying as genderless. I just thought “hey, if I don’t have a gender, then there’s no reason to feel dysphoria right? I’m just me.”

Yea well no surprises here, it didn’t work. Another year of suppressing my real identity and I still hadn’t learned anything. I suppressed my identity for 3, almost 4, years because I was so scared of who I really was. I suffered from so much internalised transphobia for the past years due to the environment I grew up in. It changed how I perceived myself for the worst, and in the end, it didn’t stop me from being trans.

I have VERY recently come to accept my identity. I’m a boy. I’m FtM and that’s okay!! I wanted so bad to be able to hang on to my cisgender identity that it made me feel miserable for years. Finally I can really say that I’m trans and proud. I feel like I actually fit my identity and I no longer feel like I’m faking anything. It feels so freeing-

However, now that I’ve finally let go of my internal transphobia, I still have to face that of the world around me. I’m anxious to be public about my identity, I’m anxious to even come out to my parents (AGAIN.) because of what they might think.

I know there’s people out there who’ve had it worse than me, and that scares me the most. To imagine that there’s people struggling with the same issues as I am but with genuine violence in their lives, it’s worrying. As a country and as a society we have to understand that our views on young lgbtq+ members is crucial to how they view themselves. We’re just kids, we shouldn’t have to “toughen up” because we’re being told to shoot ourselves. We shouldn’t be getting told all these terrible things in the first place.

It’s fucking awful and I don’t think people have a real understanding of how passive transphobia affects people in the real world. There are dead trans kids because of this. There are dead queer kids because of this. It’s not easy to be surrounded by hate no matter where you look. I was lucky enough to have my friends as a support but not every kid has that. We gotta fucking fix this, it’s hurting innocent kids who just want to figure themselves out.

This was longer than I expected,, I tried to keep everything very linear. This isn’t a sob story or whatever, I just want to raise awareness for kids in the south because what I experienced was honestly so mild compared to what some other people I know have gone through. If you made it to the end, that’s awesome because I would’ve gotten tired by now Hah- thank you so much for reading-

if you’re of legal age to vote PLEASE do research on who you’re voting for because our leaders, local or National, determine the future of this country.

[ffffffftw]

this film is a masterpiece. it really made me cry watching the whole film. it made me realize a lot of things and taught a very enlightening lesson in life. i really admire mi-so and ha-eun friendship or bond. since they were a kid and especially when they grow up. tho there's something happened in their friendship ( bcs of that guy haha kidding ) it didn't make their friendship to break. plus, what makes their friendship so special is the unwavering support and understanding they provide for one another. despite of their own personal struggles and differences, mi-so and ha-eun are always there for each other, offering a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. they provide a safe space where they can be vulnerable and authentic, without fear of judgment or rejection. we witness the ups and downs of their lives, including heartbreak, career setbacks, and personal growth. butt through it all, their friendship remains a constant source of strength and solace. they celebrate each other's successes, console each other during difficult times, and push each other to become better versions of themselves. their friendship also highlights the importance of acceptance and forgiveness. mi-so and ha-eun have their fair share of disagreements and misunderstandings, but they always find a way to reconcile and move forward. they understand that friendships, like any relationship, require effort and compromise. their friendship showcases the power of unconditional love and support. they accept each other for who they are, flaws and all, and provide a safe haven where they can be their authentic selves. it would be really nice to have someone in our life that will always have our back and this film basically showed us that a soulmate can take any form in your life. it doesn't have to be your lover and in this case ( in the film ) it is a friend who know every single truth about the you, it's a someone who knows how to handle you, it's someone who make you feel seen and will always choose to stay with you no matter what. their portrayal shows that even the two person needed to go, to grow and live their lives separately, it doesn't mean knowing and loving that person less, but always being there for that person. plus i love ha-eun so much. i admire how she manage to be calm she is in every situation tho deep inside it makes her feel shjt. and how she act like naive but she actually know the whole truth, it's just that she just keep silent or she just keep it all to herself. and i somehow see myself on her, it's probably bcs she's kind of introverted and reserved, often unsure of herself and her abilities. just like her, i sometimes doubt my own worth or abilities nd i find it difficult to fully embrace my own potential. just like her, we both want to be like mi-so who manage to be free and wild, to do what ever she want. but anw, her character throughout the film is really inspiring since she learn how to overcome her insecurities and find her own path. it's just that it pains me so much when she died at the age of “27” haha. but as the core of this film, their bonds reminds me of the importance of having someone who understands us deeply and stands by our side, no matter what. their friendship serves as a reminder to cherish and nurture the relationships that bring joy, comfort, and understanding into our lives. this made me realize how many adventures i will go on before actually settling into adult life. the way mi-so did and the way ha-eun could if her life didn't end so unfortunately. the future is a actually scary but this is the reality of life and because of this film, i came to realize that if i truly believed in myself and is not afraid of what's to come in my life then it will definitely turn out to be an amazing story just like this one ( i hope ) or just make things more interesting i guess. and lastly, their bond as they are artist and the way that they draw each other especially when ha-eun draw mi-so is the unforgettable scene in the movie.

the acting and the cinematography is 💯

[mirronx]

Yep, splitting it into two parts worked. So here is part two, talked way too much I guess. :P https://www.tumblr.com/wisdom-devotee/767666853767151616/31-days-of-hellenic-polytheism?source=share Hopefully will... try to be more on top of this.

DAY ELEVEN: What is the clearest sign you’ve received from a deity? Other than pendulum stuff, I think what I recall most is I got a reading a while back for connecting with Hestia, and while I don't have that reading and am unsure if I could find it, I remember it kind of broke me down a lot. I kind of wish I had more heavy duty signs and such, I feel like my life is more... bubbled in some ways than I'd like in that area. DAY TWELVE: Do you do food offerings or libations? What do you do with the food/drink after you’ve offered it? Food offerings every day, it's part of my daily practice along with the incense and the chants. I... don't really have a lot of spare money so usually I set aside the food and eat it after what feels like a respectful amount of time. DAY THIRTEEN: Do you write your own prayers? I have, though it's usually fairly simple ones. Like... very basic to me. I don't tend to do longer ones though which is part of it. DAY FOURTEEN: Do you have any hobbies that fit any of your deities’ domains? Well... I play games a lot, and I see Hermes as a God of games (plus that's supported by epithets I believe). Otherwise I read, and I'm not quite sure who that would fall under but probably falls under Athena or Hermes as ones I worship off the top of my head. DAY FIFTEEN: How has your worship changed you? In some ways not much at all, in other ways a lot. Growing up I didn't fit in, and honestly I still don't. But I have... comfort/support with the Gods and that's... something that helps a lot. I feel more like I can be me. DAY SIXTEEN: If you could give one piece of advice to someone who’s just starting in Helpol, what would it be? Trust yourself. I think that is probably one of the hardest things I find for a lot of new people (granted some wind up going really out there with it). But... it's important to have faith. It's just really hard to trust your intuition, especially in this day and age when I feel like that's kind of shut down. DAY SEVENTEEN: Send out some love! Are there any Helpol blogs here on tumblr that you follow and really like? Off the top of my head khaire-traveler. There are definitely others, but I'm not sure who is specifically Hellenic and who would be something else. DAY EIGHTEEN: How can you best describe your relationship with each of your deities? So... for me, I tend to see it as... family. I guess, at the end of the day, that's probably the closest. Not really a specific position, just... people I can trust, people I can be myself with, people... who accept me for who I am. Even the parts I don't accept in myself. DAY NINETEEN: If you had to assign one song to each of the deities you worship, what songs would you choose? I... would not even begin to know where to go with this. :P I'm awful at assigning songs like that. So sadly I'll have to pass this one. My taste in music is really particular too.

[a1997rt]

Rest Day Thoughts

“You can make yourself busy, but it won’t save you from your current situation...unless you surrender it all to God.”

2023 was my most depressive year, I must say. Consecutively, I’d pray to the Lord that He takes me away. I don’t want to live anymore. I just don’t see my purpose.

These prayers are ironic because I’m a licensed minister. I am a preacher of the Word of God, but I long to have eternal rest. I am not really a pastor who’s handling a church, but I serve in a very busy church. A church where you’ll be ashamed if you find yourself not working because almost everyone is working.

Alongside that, with all the work inside the church, I wanted to prove myself something. Growing up as an achiever, I don’t want to settle where I am. So, having two degrees (communication and theology), I wanted to become a licensed professional teacher. To do so, I enrolled in the continuing education program for a Bachelor of Education. It’s not really time-consuming, but the burden of reviewing for the examination exhausts me. I am a little bit pressured, to be honest. Thoughts like “What if I won’t be able to pass? ""Will I become a failure? ""Yuck, a cum laude, but not a board exam passer." Thoughts like that creep into me and keep me awake ‘til the middle of the night.

A licensed minister and a student. But guess what? I added another one. With the degree I’m holding, I’m blessed to be given the opportunity to share my knowledge with the students of the Bible College here as a part-time faculty member. I honestly thought that I’d be teaching only for one semester, but the second semester came, and still, here I am. I really didn’t dream of becoming a teacher (again, an irony of the course I’m taking), but I love being with children; that’s why I accepted the challenge to be so. Office work, plus unnecessary comments (from the church members and our pastor, who is my brother), plus studying lessons, plus meeting deadlines, exhausted me.

So, to lessen those pains, I entered another workload that is in line with my passion: video editing. KC, one of my friends in college, introduced me to OnlineJob.ph. It’s a platform for workers who like to work from the comfort of their homes. While in the middle of creating an account, one of the leaders in the church offered me an opportunity to edit his vlogs, with a corresponding compensation, of course. So, to cut a long story short, I didn’t pursue that online job, but instead, I edited videos, which of course helped me to actually save up for our Thailand trip.

So, that’s it! I am an office worker, a licensed minister, a student, a part-time teacher, and a video editor all at once. But after working all these tiring jobs, I am not financially stable. Just barely surviving, well, at least.

At least.

I pay for my brother’s tuition and sometimes give him his allowance. Paying for my own tuition and allotting myself gas and food allowances. Maintaining “farm things” and food for chickens. EVERYTHING TOOK THE JOY OUT OF MY HEART. I wanted to rest, literally and figuratively.

During our BYB2024 Day 3 session, I was praying to the Lord to take away those thoughts and that He would heal me of all the things that caused me pain. I didn’t walk in front; I just stayed in my place, at the back, on my chair, sitting down. Guess what? Someone whom I never knew came to me and said, “Can I pray for you?” Without hesitation, I said yes. All the words I needed were uttered, and I knew it was the Lord. “The words you have been hearing are all lies. It’s the work of Satan to destroy you. But God loves you, and He wants you to be healed. You can make yourself busy, but it won’t save you from your current situation unless you surrender it all to God. God loves you so much.”

All throughout that night, I was crying. Oh, Lord, forgive me for doubting your creation. Forgive me for asking to take out the life you’ve breathed into me. And thank You for saving me from the deepest sinkhole I am in.

Currently, I am still a licensed minister serving in the multimedia, children, and outreach ministries, an office worker, a part-time teacher, a student, and a video editor. I do household chores and farm chores, but they all give me joy. I am enjoying this season I’m currently in, and I hold on to what the Lord spoke to me during our BYB 2024.

"You are not enough, but God is. You are not able, but God is. He will take you out of the box, out of the denomination, out of your current place. He will place you in the lead, but He will lead you. You will lead a nation, but He will be with you. Do not be afraid, do not be anxious, and DO NOT PANIC. He will take everything away from you, but you won’t regret it because it is Him, He will lead you. And while it is not happening yet, wait, watch, and observe.”

[cherryskyies]

What your favorite slasher says about you

includes: rz michael myers, thomas hewitt. hannibal lecter

coming next: og michael myers, bo & vincent sinclair, jason voorhees, the grabber

Masterlist || Navigation || Ao3 || pt.2

RZ Michael Myers

Not to start off on a sexual note, but you’re heavy into size difference — both the security it brings and the idea of it being so easy for him to pick you up and manhandle you is like, the best thing ever for you guys.

I think a good amount of you rz michael myer fans are plus size, mainly because I myself am so I see the appeal of a man that is strong enough to lift you with ease, when the average man might have a struggle — even if they don’t, it’s hard to let go of the insecurity and fear that they will, whereas michael has flipped a damn car so no worries there.

You like the dominance, the fact that he could kill you with one hand, but he doesn’t. It makes you feel protected, even though he’s the one you should be protected from. 

It’s giving knife play and a choking kink. You’re into the idea of being marked by another, permanent scars left behind as a reminder of them and a hand large enough it covers your entire throat, other hand holding your wrists above your head. 

You prefer forced submission.

Something about being stalked everywhere you go is appealing

Probs an air or fire sign

Thomas Hewitt

Again with the size difference — you guys go crazy for a man that can throw you around like a sack of potatoes. 

Family is important to you, someone who goes to any length to protect and provide is something you never really had, so you find comfort in those who give what you wish you had.

I’m feeling like there is a breeding kink going on here, the idea of someone loving you so tenderly and selflessly sends you into overdrive — maybe you’re insecure yourself with your own looks, so having someone like Tommy makes you feel better — not because he is ugly by any means, but because he himself knows what it is like to think lesser of yourself for not being able to conform to society's norms of what is desirable. 

I feel like your morals clash with the average person. You wouldn’t be too against cannibalism; perhaps you wouldn’t mind trying it if it was consensual or maybe you would try it as a means of survival, much like the Hewitts. Either way, I don’t sense a lot of distaste on the subject of cannibals. 

Probs a water sign

Hannibal Lecter

You enjoy the finer things in life, maybe you’re an artist or musician of sorts – might be a slight alcoholic with a preference of wine or champagne.

Similar to Thomas Hewitt fans, you are not against cannibalism, you see it no differently than killing an animal for its meat, just less accepted by society. You’d probably help Hannibal with the designs he does on the dead bodies he doesn’t eat. 

Domestic life doesn’t seem like a bad thing to you. Having a loving husband who will stop at no means to keep you safe, Sunday dinners you share with friends and coworkers, the occasional ball or fancy dinner — it’s a dream, really.

Kids are hit or miss with you. Maybe you’d rather be the frequent babysitter or adopt, but you almost prefer your life to be child free so you can do your own thing with no other responsibility – maybe you were the child that “ruined” your parent’s love and do not wish the same thing for yourself, because much like you, a child does not deserve such a burden.   

When someone asks you “What is a trait you’d like in a partner?” possessive is a word you use often. You yearn to feel sought after, desired. You want to be worth something to someone, to be held close and whispered sweet nothings to. 

Last thing, but I feel like promises have often fallen through; people promise this or that and never go through with it, so you have some major trust issues on top of the obvious daddy issues and love for dilfs. 

Probs an earth sign

[ironborealis]

So this post appeared on my feed because I was dumb and said I was interested in things tagged "Severus Snape" because I forget how things work sometimes.

I gave them a long response but I think it's a banger so I've cleaned it up to share.

To preface, I'll say that I was still in school when the books were starting to come out, and so I was in school during the period the books are set. I wasn't in the UK and can't speak to specifics there, but my own.

Your question feels really disingenuous when you tag it #james potter supremacy but I am a fool and going to answer you honestly anyway.

I liked Snape the moment it was revealed in the first book that he wasn't the villain -- because it showed him as someone who gave no fucks about how others saw him. I had been violently bullied for years at that point, but was told that I needed to stop letting it hurt me or to stop acting in ways to invite the abuse. All I internalized was that it was my fault and I needed to change myself so that they'd like me. So meeting a character who just stopped giving a fuck about other people's opinions was fascinating.

The text doesn't, I think, intend for you to read Snape's behavior as incredibly abusive. A lot of his behavior to the students wouldn't have been seen as abnormal when I was in school. Unkind but within tolerance. He was a prick and the assumption with teachers like that was that A) don't take it personally B) If you can't do A then stay off their radar and count the minutes until class is over. I'm hoping that the sudden uproar about how abusive Snape is now is a sign that school culture has changed. Because you're right, it's awful, and shouldn't happen. But that's now, and not then. Then it was acceptable if not exactly encouraged behavior.

For me, Snape's teaching style would have been within normal limits and at least it wasn't false advertising. I saw popular "kind" teachers bully disabled students, throw coffee mugs, and choke slam 9 year olds. Those teachers were never punished. I preferred the hard asses who didn't pretend, but would restrain themselves to only demoralizing you with words. They never went half so far as those much beloved teachers. These were in schools that had long banned corporal punishment by teachers, by the way.

Plus, Snape's bullying is written in such a way that is so over the top and dramatic it's hard for me to believe that there's any real intent as he never follows through with most of his threats. He's amusing himself, which is fucked up, yes, but so is his situation being forced to teach children (a job he hates) by daylight and fighting a war as a spy by moonlight (a job he also hates).

When book 5 revealed his own history of being bullied the kinship I felt for him just kinda clicked. Game knew game, even if I didn't know it then.

What impressed me about Snape is that he made a terrible decision of joining the DE, he knows it, he regrets it, and most importantly he does something about it. He sabotages them and when he can't do that he tries to reduce harm as much as possible.

He joins a side lead by people who are responsible for his own traumas, who are unrepentant about their roles in it but still expect him to get over it. Snape isn't interested in pretending everything is fine with his allies when everything isn't fine and that's such a challenging and brave stance to take.

Because if I were in his shoes, my first instinct would be to swallow all my anger and stuff it in well inside me and pretend it doesn't exist so that I could be seen as agreeable and the bigger person. I know I'm not alone in that. However, that instinct has caused me so much damage that I will spend the rest of my life fighting that instinct tooth and nail.m, because what it means is that you are minimizing yourself and your safety in order to make other people comfortable.

Snape might have the right idea (but poor execution) when it comes to some people, but he falters when it comes to Lily. I was so disappointed with the reveal that Lily was his primary motivation, even if it's grown on me. He's so damned loyal to someone who wasn't even a great friend to him by the end. Lily smiles before she intercedes in SWM, which to me signaled that the whole scene was just a way for James to pull Lily's metaphorical pigtail (Snape) in their courtship and if I were the pigtail I'd be pissed too. It doesn't justify but it adds context for why he might want to hurt her then.

And Snape spends the rest of his life regretting his moments of weakness and giving his life to prevent Voldemort from winning, for a friend who failed him pretty spectacularly.

Most people don't do that -- they regret and then they try to get on with their lives. They don't want to talk about it. We're STILL finding guards from WWII concentration camps hiding out in suburbs after all. Snape doesn't choose that and that's brave as hell.

Snape's "redemption" is a hot debate, but I don't know that redemption is even his goal. He's just trying to do what's right. If he were really searching for redemption then certainly I think he'd have sought a more friendly relationship with Harry, if only on the side.

Which brings me back to how can you claim "James Potter Supremacy" when he's only seen in SWM, where he's a cruel bully to someone minding their own business (SWM takes place after the Shack per canon), and we only have the testimony of Sirius and Remus, a decade after his death, to say that he "got better" -- which meant not publicly tormenting Snape, but doing it in private. We never get to see this better version of James.

Sirius and Remus are highly motivated to put James in the best light possible to his orphaned son, which is natural, but it doesn't make it gospel truth. I think he may have become a better person with time, because that typically happens, and certainly he had the capacity for great kindness (befriending Remus) which makes his decisions to be so cruel even more painful. But he died and we never get to see any of him in canon except him being a complete asshole.

So why would you question how people can like Snape when there is so much more canonical evidence that Snape was a good person with serious faults than there is for James being anything other than a school bully who died young?

[shorkbrian]

I swear I ain’t in it for the money, but I can’t stop thinking about sugar daddy shoto. Maybe he sweeps a cute little college kid or barista of their feet, just something fun and casual. But this man starts falling harder, needing a way to lock them down to him. Money isn’t quite cutting it anymore, so he decides fucking a baby into her would do the trick. Shoto would push her down into the mattress, large frame twisting her into a sweet mating press. This way they could stay together forever and Shoto would have absolutely no problem providing for his sweet family <3

but fr tho I feel like Shouto is NOT the type for kids.

Mans will tolerate them when they babble or wave at him, but he very actively Does Not Want them.

Always uses condoms, and even though he’ll threaten not to, it’s never a legit thought in his mind to cum inside. Shouto doesn’t want to be a dad.

-----

You’ll be sittin on a park bench, fading sunset dark and pretty in front of you yet all you can do is cry. There’s not really any people around so it’s not like you’re bothering anyone - you hadn’t wanted to cry in your shabby apartment (half the cause of your worries) just in case you received a noise complaint.

“Are you alright?”

A somber, smooth voice is heard. You’re swiping at your tears quickly as you look up, trying to laugh off your state of distress. “Oh, haha, yeah I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” It’s hard to smile with your puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

The man in front of you frowns, hands in his coat pockets, scarf draped around his neck. “You don’t look fine. Mind if I sit?”

He’s already claiming the spot next to you on the bench before you can say a word, turning to you with a passive expression. “Why are you crying?”

And that’s all it takes to have you breaking down all over again, tears streaming down your face. Just one person offering to listen to the heavy burden you have to bear.

‘’M sor-sorry...” You sob, wiping at your eyes with frigid fingers, successful in doing nothing more but smearing tears around your face.

“Here.” The man’s taking off his scarf, gloved hands offering it you.

“I ca-can’t use your sc-scarf sir.” But he’s insistent, pressing it into your hands up by your face.

“I’ll just get another one. Keep it, you’re in need of it more than I am.”

The kindness makes another fresh bout of tears roll down your cheeks, but this time you're able to dab them away with soft fabric as you sniffle.

It takes a moment for you to calm yourself. When you do, you can finally engage in conversation with the man.

You tell him about your job hours getting cut, how you’ve been turned down or ignored by every single place you’ve applied at for a second job. How you’re barely affording to wash your clothes - you have to hang them or drape them across things in your apartment because you don’t have the money to pay for a dryer cycle.

And to top it all off, you’re still short on rent, despite how you scrimped and saved and even forced yourself not to buy groceries this week - you’ve gone hungry for the past three days.

“You haven’t eaten?”

You glance up at the man and his incredulous expression, shaking your head. “I’ve been trying to save money, I thought I could afford my rent if-”

“What kind of food do you like?” The man is pulling out his phone, swiping and tapping immediately. 

“Thank you, but I’m not-” looking for charity is what you want to say. Plus, you shouldn’t accept favors from strange men.

But the handsome man is waving you silent. “I’m cold, plus I’d like to grab a bite to eat before I head home. I don’t like eating alone though, you’d honestly be doing me a favor.”

You take a moment to process. Is he telling the truth? He sounds like an honest guy.

“Seems like the only place open around here is “Joe’s 24 hour Diner”.... You mind burgers?”

So that's how you end up in a booth opposite the man (”Shouto” he had told you as you both headed to the diner), munching away at warm food. It tastes so good, you hardly have time to worry about the man watching you as he eats.

You’d been shocked at his looks the moment you’d seen him in the light of the diner. Pretty two-toned hair, different colored eyes, perfect skin, expensive clothes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s obvious the two of you led very different lives.

“How does everything taste?”

“Delicious.” Is your response, and Shouto seems pleased, nodding before taking another bite of his meal.

Maybe it’s stupid... but you feel weirdly safe with this man. He doesn’t seem to bear any ill-intent towards you, nor has he made any comments about your body or let his hands or eyes stray. He seems like a gentleman.

Conversation flows easily between the two of you, even sharing a few chuckles at times. He’s some fancy rich businessman, you learn, and you share about your own life, laughing at the comparisons. Shouto can’t fathom growing up in a house with less than five bedrooms and a personal servant.

He asks for your number, and you’re hesitant in giving it - he surely can’t be interested in you? But he seems so sincere, it’s hard to say no.

When the two of you part ways, Shouto gives you a wave, “Hope to see you again soon, and under better circumstances.”

“You too! And sorry for being such a mess and stopping your walk-”

Shouto shrugs, cheeks beginning to pink from the cold air as you two stand outside the diner. “You needed help. I like to assist.”

-----

The next morning you wake to find an atrociously large sum deposited in your Venmo account by none other than a Shouto Todoroki.

Immediately, you’re calling him. “It’s too much, we just met. How can you give away that much money to some low-life?”

You hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “You’re obviously struggling. I was wondering what your hours are this week, perhaps we could talk about this over dinner? Or lunch, if that fits better with your schedule. I’m flexible.”

It’s a few days later, days spent questioning yourself, questioning his intentions, before you see him again, both of you deciding to meet for lunch to further discuss... whatever had just happened.

“Was what I gave you adequate to cover your rent?” Are the first words out of Shouto’s mouth after you greet each other.

“Yeah, more than enough-” You squirm. “But I need to ask.... why?”

“Why?”

“Why me.” 

“Oh.” Shouto’s expression clears. “That’s easy. I told you a few days ago - I like to assist. I’m quite lonely, and it feels nice to use my money on someone other than myself. I think providing for someone brings me... I wouldn’t quite say joy, but... contentment.”

You contemplate his answer for a moment. 

“Well... you saved me with my rent, I don’t really know how to thank you.”

The man leans forward. “Well.... I know it might be a bit sudden, but how would you feel accepting me as a.... benefactor of sorts?”

“You mean like a sugar daddy?” Is your immediate, blurted response. You want to slap yourself for speaking before you have the chance to think about your words, but luckily Shouto just lets out a light laugh.

“If you’d like to call it that. I’m willing to provide financial assistance for you, in exchange for companionship, if you’re willing to give it.”

Your face heats up as you drop your eyes, fidgeting nervously in your seat. “I don’t feel comfortable with a... a sexual relationshi-”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” Shouto cuts you off before you can continue. “I wasn’t trying to insinuate a contract of that nature. I’m thinking more along the lines of accompanying me at meals, sharing experiences with me, providing company and friendship to a lonely man. If it seems that we’d like to progress further than that after we get to know each other, well, that will be addressed then. For now-” Shouto meets your eye, dipping his head a smidgeon so he can look at you directly. “All I ask for is a simple, non-intimate bond between two people.”

This is crazy.

And yet you accept.

The situation may be wild, and completely absurd, but you’d be a fool not to say yes.

Shouto is charming and handsome, respectful, courteous - you could go on and on about his positive qualities. He just seems like a sad, lonesome man swallowed by work and responsibilities, too stressed and busy to put the effort into making friends the conventional way. 

-----

Months pass by.

You’re eating at every meal, sated and never going hungry. You’re able to move into a new place, one that doesn’t smell like cigarettes and sits right next to a railroad.

Clothes aren’t a worry anymore, you have your own washer and dryer in your new apartment (Shouto offered to buy you a house, or a penthouse at the least, but you couldn’t justify it to yourself). You’re able to afford new things, and pretty dresses, shoes that are comfortable and fashionable and that fit.

You no longer have to wear clothes down until they have holes in them. You’re able to go to the doctor’s when you feel sick, able to pay for health insurance.

Life is good.

Shouto is a personable man, serious, but he can be rather funny and even crude at times.

The doubt and thoughts of “Why is he doing this for me?” and “I’m not good enough for this.” plague you, but Shouto always seems to catch on, reassuring you that you’re exactly what he needs - a friend.

And you’re more than happy to be that.

You think sometimes, that even if he wasn’t paying you, you’d still like to be friends with Shouto Todoroki.

Until he starts acting weird.

“You should just stay at my place. I have more than enough room,, it’d be easier for both our schedules. We’d get to see each other more often.”

“Uhm...” You don’t really know what to say. You like your freedom, and having your own place where you can walk around in your (expensive) underwear without being bothered.

“I think it’d be nice, don’t you? We could have breakfast every morning, you wouldn’t have to worry about traveling to and fro, we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other nearly enough.”

He’s pushing, insistent. How are you supposed to tell him no? He’s paying for your entire life. Plus, it wouldn’t be that bad to actually live with him. Shouto’s an amicable man.

So you move in.

“I bought you a few things, they’re on your bed.” 

Shouto’s striding into the kitchen where you’re making coffee, buttoning up his shirt as he comes closer. You’ve found that the man likes to sleep in nothing but boxers, shrieking and flushing an embarrassing shade the first time he’d come to wake you up with a sweet “welcome” breakfast in bed.

It’s taken a while to adjust, but you finally feel that you’re fully settled in.

“Oh, you really don’t ha-”

“I wanted to. I went through your closet - your clothes are nice, but your underwear seemed to be lacking.” He’s so matter-of-fact.

All you can do is stare at the back of his head.

“Could you pass me a spoon please?”

-----

Shouto had splurged on expensive, fancy lingerie. 

At least eight different sets were laid out on your bed. It was overwhelming. It also felt.... a bit intrusive? They were all in your size, in a complementary color for your skin tone. 

Weird.

Not as weird as the onset of Shouto’s casual touches.

You’d be reading, or drinking tea and watching cars race by on the street so far below, and Shouto would come up behind you, caress your sides before intertwining his fingers with yours on one hand. He did it as if it was a normal thing, but it felt anything but normal.

Or you’d be on the couch together, and Shouto would shuffle closer until his large body was pressed to yours, almost curled around you. The faux-cuddling was a bit more off putting. How do you tell him no?

The touches became more and more intimate, Shouto’s gifts more and more frequent until you weren’t even spending a penny, the man taking care of everything.

The arrangement was beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Shouto’s bi-colored eyes seemed to always be on you, tracing the shape of your body, watching you move, or breath, or sit. It was distracting, and you felt bad for feeling this way towards the man who’d pulled you out of poverty, but it was so unnerving.

He seemed to notice.

“You’ve been so stressed these past few days. Is something wrong?” Shouto’s rubbing a hand into your shoulder, hovering over you at the dinner table.

“No?” Is all you can manage, wiping your hands on your napkin as you finish your food.

Shouto frowns. With a sigh, his hand drops from your shoulder and the man leaves your side, heads toward the kitchen.

You clear your plate from the table, following after him so you can wash it and put it in the dishwasher before you head off to get ready for bed. 

But Shouto is rummaging in a cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses to accompany the bottle of wine that’s standing proud on the island.  It’s your favorite, a sweet wine that Shouto knows you like, always brings it out when he decides to drink whisky or bourbon after dinner.

He pops the cork and pours you a glass while you finish with your dishes, handing you the glass when you turn away from the sink, pressing it into your hands. “Let’s relax a little bit, it’ll be good for both of us.”

You’re fine with that, knowing that a little wine won’t hurt you, especially when it’s of such fine quality. You’d never dreamed that you’d be able to taste such richness in your lifetime, spend frivolous amounts of money on wine and fine eateries. Yet here you are.

Shouto pours himself a glass, barely a sip filling the bottom. The man raises it to his lips and takes a swig, grimacing a bit in his flat, unexpressive way. You giggle a little.

“Too sweet?’

The man nods, setting the glass back down. “I’m not entirely sure how you can stand to stomach it. But if it makes you happy-” He shrugs, before pulling on of the bar-stools out from under the island so he can sit facing you, long legs stretching out before him.

You look at him, and he looks at you, and then you take another sip of wine to avoid the awkwardness.

“You’re distancing yourself from me.”

The accusation is quiet, Shouto’s eyes focused on your fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass.

He’s always been straightforward with his words. “Is there a reason you keep drawing away?”

The wine disappears from your glass, sliding down your throat and settling in your stomach. You fill your glass again before speaking, struggling to find the right words without upsetting your... benefactor.

“Well, Shouto... I don’t really know how to...” You trail off, hoping Shouto will say something, change the subject, say it’s alright and move on to something else.

But the man stays silent, eyes appraising you.

Taking a deep breath, and another gulp of sweetness, you try again.

“Sometimes the closeness... like, physical closeness? Makes me, well, uncomfortable.”

Hopefully, that would satisfy his curiosity for now. That wasn’t the only reason you’d been avoiding Shouto seeming distant, but you didn’t think sharing the others would result in anything good.

Said man accepted your response, dropping his eyes to his lap as he mulled it over. More wine was consumed, glass re-filled. You felt nervous.

“You’re saying that my touch isn’t something you’d prefer.”

Biting your lip, you soften at his confused expression, at the hint of sadness swimming behind his eyes. “Kind of. I don’t mind you Shouto, you’re really kind, and you’re good company, and a wonderful friend. I just don’t think the.... the intimacy is for me.”

Shouto raises his head, stares at you with those pretty eyes, lips parted as he comes to terms with your words. 

“It sounds like you don’t trust me. I would never hurt you, you know this.”

You scramble to assure him. “I do! I do trust you, and I know you wouldn’t.” (at least you hoped) “But I guess I just... Coming into this agreement I wasn’t ready for that type of... thing. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

The man rises, shakes his head as he steps closer to you. “Don’t worry, I remember our first conversation about that aspect. I see that for you, that type of relationship would only begin after you really cared for the other person, trusted and wanted to see them happy, am I correct?”

“Oh, Shouto-” You rush. “No, I care for you, and I trust you, and of course I want to see you happy. I think it’s just, y’know, my last relationship like that went really bad, and it sucked. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Shouto nods, understanding. “I see. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me then.”

A smile crosses your face, and you feel relived that he accepted your rejection with grace and understanding instead of violence or anger. “Thank you, it means a lot to me.”

The mood of the room shifted, from tense and uncomfortable, to easy and light, and you poured another glass of wine, laughing a little at how worried you were about the conversation with Shouto, only for it all to turn out fine.

“I’m going to go drink some of the liquor that’s kept in my room. I could mix a few drinks for you to try, you might like how sweet they are. I know hard alcohol isn’t quite your thing.”

You beam a smile, nodding your head eagerly. Before, you’d feel apprehensive about going into his room with him to drink alcohol. But with the conversation the two of you just had, you knew - things would be fine.

-----

The room was spinning and you felt giddy and light. You were definitely tipsy.

“You can lay down on my bed, you’re getting wobbly on your feet.” Shouto had offered, and you’d gladly accepted, flopping down onto his comfy bedspread with a laugh at how the motion made butterflies rise in your tummy.

Shouto leaned against his dresser, swirling whiskey in his glass as he watched you, a half-smile across his face. You smiled back, before closing your eyes, a little bit tired as you realized that you might be a bit more than just tipsy.

Shouto had mixed quite a few drinks for you, and you’d drank each one eagerly, impressed with how little alcohol you could taste in each one. You don’t remember how many you had, but it didn’t really matter.

The next thing you know, hands are on your waist, scooting you further up the bed so your legs no longer hang off the edge. Cracking open an eye, you’re met with the visage of red-and-white, eyes soft and warm as they regard you, Shouto’s face tinged a bit pink from the few drinks he had consumed. The man had never been too good at holding his alcohol.

When those hands started to slip beneath your shirt, you wiggled like a little worm, not really comprehending the situation. Maybe it was a dream.

Your shirt was discarded, then your pants. It felt much more comfortable now, and you mumbled a “thanks” to the man helping you settle for bed. He was so nice, Shouto took such good care of you. You still kind of couldn’t believe the turn your life had taken with him, the good luck pushed into your path.

Someone was kissing you.

With a grunt of surprise, you kissed them back, meeting their feverish pace and trying to keep up, soft lips puckering and pushing against your own with intent. Kissing felt good. You liked kissing.

Then a hand was cupping your face, stroking tenderly over your cheek before it began sliding down, down your neck, into the valley between your breasts, trailing over your bra. It felt funny.

Pushing back for air, you gasped when the hand on your chest started squeezing at you, eyes flying open with the startling, sudden sensation.

Shouto was hovering over you, lips puffy, panting as he stared at you with lusty eyes, an uncharacteristic look on his face. This... this wasn’t supposed to be like this. You knew. Hadn’t the two of you just talked about something... important? Was it important?

You didn’t feel panic until a hand cupped your sex, feeling your skin through your panties.

This wasn’t right.

Alarm bells were ringing, dull and far away, but you didn’t think that Shouto should be touching you in such a way. you should be going to bed.

“Mm, Sho, can you stop?” But your words felt funny on your tongue, and Shouto didn’t stop. Maybe he didn’t hear you.

His hair tickled your chin as the man bent to mouth at your tits, pulling the cups of your bra underneath them so he could feel your hot skin, let his saliva drag slick and wet against your chest. 

Your hands instinctively rooted themselves in his hair as you gasped again, not expecting such a move, tugging lightly at his head to pull him up. Shouto just groaned, teething gently at your breasts and not moving an inch. His hips were grinding against the bed though, as he stood between your spread legs.

Before you knew it, your panties were gone, bra clumsily unclasped and discarded, and you were completely bare. Shouto was undressing before you, struggling with the buttons on his shirt before giving up, easily ripping the fabric of his body with one tug, grumbling.

You didn’t feel so tipsy anymore.

“Shouto, what’re we doing? We shouldn’t be doing this, we need to stop-”

“Stay down.” Was his firm command, a hand splayed across your naked chest and pushing you back into the mattress as you tried to sit up. It made you breathless, the growl in his voice, the dominance emanating from the man. You stayed still.

“This’s gonna make us a stronger couple.” The man slurred, eyes dark and hands wandering, effortlessly keeping you pinned against the bed as he ground his hips forward against the edge. You were getting scared.

“Wait-”

You fell silent as one hand pushed down his pants, his underwear going with them, pink cock bobbing free. He was so pretty down there, and it made sense, all of him was pretty, but you suddenly realized the weight of the situation, what was happening.

“Shouto, no, oh my god. We gotta stop right now, we’re drunk, we’re-we’re-”

“Don’t care. Not gonna let you hide away from me this time.” Shouto shook his head, taking his cock in one hand and giving it a long, slow pump, flushed tip weeping precum and wetting his hand.

“No, no, this is wrong. I don’t want this, I could get pregnant!” You cried, beginning to panic for real, pushing against the one strong hand anchoring you to the bed.

Shouto just chuckled, letting go of his cock to crowd against you, getting up in your face to press a wet finger to your lips, the salty taste of his precum threatening to slip into your mouth unless you kept it shut. “Shhh, shh. If you stay nice and still, if you do what I say, I’ll use a condom.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re gonna listen to me, you always do.” The man nodded to himself, once again dragging his cock against the bed between your legs, as if he couldn’t stop himself. “Or else I’ll fuck you raw.” The finger was pulled from your lips, only to be wagged teasingly in your face. 

You couldn’t believe how he was acting.

“Be nice.”

Shouto tapped your nose with a neatly manicured finger, before groaning as he heaved himself upright, red cock bobbing against his stomach, desperate for attention. The man gave you a look, as if to say “don’t move” before he took his hands off you, heading for his dresser.

Once you saw him pulling out a strip of condoms, you were on your feet, stumbling toward the door.

Although panic had sobered you somewhat, you were still struggling with the effects of the alcohol, so your reaction time was maddeningly slow. Slow enough that you weren’t able to truly fight against Shouto when he grabbed you from behind toned arms wrapping around your middle and heaving you into the air, only to throw you back on his bed.

You were almost sick on the bedspread, world spinning and stomach protesting, but you were able to calm yourself.

But then Shouto was on you, flipping you onto your back, a soft hand pressing against your throat threateningly. 

“You want to have a baby? Want me to cum in you so you’ll get all fat with kids? Hm?” He was so intense, almost choking you, straddling your waist and keeping you pinned. It was too much

You were able to manage a tearful, desperate “No!” despite the hand around your throat, and Shouto backed off, releasing the pressure to instead stroke his hand against the sides of your neck.

“Stop acting like this, it’s the next logical step for us. You said you cared for me, wanna make me happy. This’ll make me happy. I won’t be like the last guy.”

His cock was pressed against your stomach, and you could feel it twitching. Shouto clambered off of you, letting go of your neck so he could grab the condoms he’d tossed on the bed before snatching you up.

“Do what I say and I use these.” He waved them in your face before tearing one off, beginning to open it. 

You stayed still, gazing at him blearily, limbs feeling fuzzy, mind feeling the same.

The condom was rolled onto Shouto’s cock, the man spitting into his palm and giving the latex a few rubs to make it slick before reaching for you.

He dragged you to the edge of the bed - the perfect height for him to fuck you - and you didn’t fight, terrified of his threat. You couldn’t stand the thought of a baby.

(You didn’t know, but neither could he)

“Wanted to do this since I met you.” Shouto mumbled, pushing your panties to the side with a few fingers so he could guide his tip to your hole. “Want you so bad.”

You didn’t know what to think of this side of Shouto. This unreserved, uncareful, slurring mess of a man that loomed before you, gaze dark and wild, limbs everywhere as he groped and squeezed and appreciate the shape of your body.

But he must’ve gotten impatient, because then he was pushing inside.

It hurt, stinging pain rippling up your back and you keened, causing Shouto to pause. One of his hands darted down to wrap around your calf, hauling it up on the bed so he could lean forward and press it to you chest, sinking his cock a few inches deeper.

“You’re gonna take it.” He hissed before messily kissing you, pressed so close together that it was hard to breathe. “I’ll make it feel good after you do.”

[siconetribal]

The Science of Worth (Part 4)

Tags: @vbecker10 @huntress-artemiss

Pairing: Loki x Y/N

Warning: Fluff and humor

Author Note: I hope you enjoy this next part!

Were things totally fine, no. However, they were not “not fine” either. The provided room was larger than the apartment they shared, with ample furniture and storage space. There were no unwanted quadrupedal creatures scurrying along the corners, gnawing into their unsealed food, nor were there cracks and holes in the structure which let air leak in the hot or cold. Overall, the living space was an upgrade that was a dream come true.

It was the sleeping situation that was the greatest concern. Why? Because it did not add up. Almost every night she would get comfortable alone on the large sofa, which was as wide as a twin mattress, and every morning she would wake up in the king bed with Loki right beside her. The first morning she woke up beside him, she nearly died from fright from seeing such a handsome face so close to her. The second morning, she fell out of the bed because they were so close to one edge. The third time she was back to square one because it had not occurred for some time. This on-off pattern had been going on for weeks now and she needed to know the reason.

There has to be a reason. It just makes no sense! Y/N let out a sigh of frustration as she fell back into the cushions of the sofa. Loki was off in some meeting with the others, but that hardly mattered. “Not like he’s been any help,” she muttered to herself. “He just laughs at me and tells me that I should just give up and sleep in the bed with him. How the hell am I supposed to just up and sleep in the same bed as him?! This isn’t some novel where we’re stuck in a room with one bed-well, yes, there’s only one but not the point! We have a perfectly large and comfy couch!” She grabbed a pillow and pressed it onto her face and let out a muffle cry of frustration. Stupid Asgardian pretty boy prince, probably has more than enough experience getting comfy with all sorts of beautiful women…females…whatever they’re called up there! Plus, the point isn’t where I sleep! The point is how and why do I end up somewhere else! I’ve never sleepwalked a day in my life!

Seconds ticked by as she lay slumped on the couch. Suddenly, she sat straight up and nearly fell over as she used the moment to grab her phone off the coffee table. “I nearly forgot! I set up my phone to record myself and bought the silly looking nightlight!” She pressed her thumb to the screen once, twice, and thrice it failed to accept her fingerprint. With her frustration growing, she swiped up and drew the pattern. “Ah, ha!” She let out a cry of triumph before tapping and swiping until she reached the gallery and found the video. “Aaaaand play,” she tapped the icon and watched, skipping ahead here and there when it looked like nothing was happening. When she noticed she was gone from the frame, she backtracked slowly until she was back in the screen, but so was something else…someone else. Loki, why you little luxurious mountain goat! Her eye twitched as she watched him lift her with ease from the comfort of her spot and not only did he carry her away, he even paused and winked at the camera. “You truly are as false as hell!” She shouted out in frustration. “Here I’m thinking I’m having a breakdown, and he is the reason behind all of it! Oh, it is on !”

Loki came back into his room after a rather dull day of meetings, meetings, and more meetings. With new intel pointing them in the right direction, things were set into motion and the time to deploy was nearing. On days with no meetings, he was actively working to better his chemistry with the team that he would be joining on this mission through training exercises and practicing formations to better. Attending meetings and training were not foreign to him as a former prince of Asgard. In fact, he was pleasantly surprised how easily he fell back into such routine. What irked him was the shrinking time spent with Y/N. Back on Asgard, there was no one waiting for him to return. There were no friends of his own to relax with, it was just him and himself. There were times he would be with Thor and his group of comrades, but they were never truly his friends. He was simply the younger brother that had to be allowed to join them. With Y/N, he finally had someone for himself.

My very own dear friend and personal toy to play and tease to my heart’s content. The corners of his lips curled up at the mere thought of her puffed red cheeks of frustration. What is the name of that rodent she showed me? Chip-monks or something like that? She looks exactly like those with their faces stuffed with food when she gets upset with me. She complains a lot, but seldom does she try to stop me. He chuckled to himself. “Now, where would she be at this hour?” He glanced at the clock and was surprised. “Midnight already? She must be asleep.” He frowned, walking around the sofa to see her laying on her back with a book on her chest.

“Of course she’s reading,” he rolled his eyes and smiled at the heartwarming sight. Carefully, he moved the table aside to give himself more room and first plucked the book off of her stomach. “Magnetism,” he raised a brow at the title and quickly located the summary. “Indispensable text on the science of magnetism…invaluable source of data…?” He skimmed through the paragraph before glancing down towards her. “Why are you reading a book on science? She can’t have gone through all her books, right? Don’t tell me you’re growing an interest with that annoying Stark, that simply won’t do, love.” He dogeared the page she was one and placed the book on the table before carefully lifting her up into his arms. “Are you spending time with Stark?” He whispered, not expecting an answer from the sleeping woman, but nearly laughed aloud when her face scrunched into a show of great distaste at the name. “You are so spoiled, you know that? But whose fault is that?”

Loki carefully laid her on the bed and sat beside her, gently combing his fingers through her hair, watching as the silky threads slipped away with each stroke of his hand. Though he wanted to spend some time with her awake, he had not the heart to wake her. She looked so innocent and peaceful that it melted away the stress of his day in an instant. When she stirred a little in her sleep, he froze and waited, hoping he had not disturbed her. Seeing her scoot closer to him and settle back into the depths of her dream, he smiled and continued carding his fingers through her hair.

“You told me once that most women dream of being a princess from the faerie tales you’ve shared with me. What was that one with the cleaning? Cinderella, I believe you called it.” He softly whispered, not expecting an answer from her but hoped that perhaps his voice would help keep her asleep. “I know I mocked them and told you they were ridiculous and meaningless tales, but in truth I felt similar to her in some ways. My mother was not a bad person, she sincerely loved and cared for me but she was guilty of hiding the truth from me. My father was different, he was a ruthless and calculating ruler that only wanted and cared for things that were of use to him and on his terms.” His voice slowly withered away as he thought back to his childhood, the lies he was raised in, and how he was never truly accepted as a son because he was a tool. A relic meant for the treasury. His once bright world had been torn and dipped in darkness, hatred, and confusion until he was released from the poisoning effects of the Mind Stone.

“Unknowingly along the way,” he pulled himself from those spiraling memories. “I met prince charming. I didn’t even realize it at first. Someone who was as strong and beautiful as the prince had come into my life. Always smiling and facing everything even when they are afraid. So vibrant and full of life, seeing kindness in everything…to the point it is a fault. That person, that prince charming, is you. I’ve always wanted to tell you that…I’ve been bewitched from the beginning, and I was too foolish to realize it. However, I don’t believe in faerie godmother's with magic that runs out at the stroke of midnight. I will make this spell last forever. I want to protect you and save your smile. That’s why I agreed to join my brother and the Avengers. Not for Midgard and the people that inhabit it, but for you who’s cursed me with such happiness. I know I will be gone for unknown lengths of times and you will worry, but know that I’ll always return to you.” He leaned over her, his face inches from hers as he eyed her lips. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to know what they felt like against his and how they tasted, but not now. No, when he finally did kiss her, she needed to be awake so he could enjoy the heat that would blossom on her cheeks as she struggled to contain her emotions. Pressing his lips to her forehead, he wished her goodnight and made his way to the bathroom to wash away the day before joining her on the bed.

[chosonore]

cynosure

cynosure [noun. one that serves to direct or guide; a center of attraction or attention]

pairing: sukuna/f!reader

summary: in which sukuna re-discovers being human one aspect at a time, through many lifetimes, at the price of losing you over and over.

wordcount: 8.7k

content/warnings: reincarnation au, slow burn but also not really because there's only hints of romance? language, it's not canon at all, just pretend sukuna was never sealed away, lowercase is intended

a/n: this is more self-indulgent tbh sukuna is probably uncharacteristically soft? sometimes i'm reminded of the fact that he used to be human and while we don't exactly know how he became a curse just yet, i kinda felt sad about it lol i'm too sympathetic with everything, it's gonna kill me one day fhuierhfa a lot of these moments are based on my own experiences, where i had to remind myself that even the small things in life are really good and important, especially during the pandemic. that being said, i hope you enjoy and stay safe everyone :) (and please don’t judge me too hard on this lol i haven’t written in like what. six years?)

001.

“oh,” you stared at the tall, pink-haired man in front of you. “i didn’t think anyone would be here around this time…” he stared back at you, not replying nor making any move to scoot over so that you could sit on your bench. it was only then that you noticed the black markings framing his face and adorning his wrists. you were a little dumbfounded - your mother had always said that you had a poor survival instinct. though you supposed that his pink hair eased your nerves a little; surely someone with pink hair couldn’t be as evil. but you couldn’t recall ever seeing someone like this around the proximity of your village. maybe he was a vagrant. 

“i don’t mean to be rude but… that’s my bench and i would appreciate if you could maybe… scooch over?” you asked gingerly, not wanting to upset the stranger. you approached him slowly, grasping your basket tightly. if he got a little rowdy, maybe you could just wack him with the basket, right? although it probably won’t hurt but it surely would stun him long enough for you to run.

“i don’t see why i should move just because it’s your bench,” the stranger answered gruffly, crossing his arms. were you naive or just stupid? “do you not know who you’re talking to, woman?” 

you cocked your head to the side, not sure what he meant. maybe he was one of those famous poets or musicians that your parents liked to talk about. you weren’t entirely sure. even though he sounded annoyed, the look in his eyes didn’t quite match the hostility - he looked rather bored, unamused even, but not hostile. maybe you could humour him a little. “am- am i supposed to know you? i’ve never been outside of the village so i don’t know much. only what the merchants tell me. i apologize if i’ve offended you,” you explained hastily, then pointing at your basket. “i just came here to enjoy the sunrise. um, today is my birthday, so i treated myself to some dessert!”

“if- if you scooch over a litte, i could share some with you…” you tried to bargain with him. now you were truly starting to sound desperate but this was your favourite spot and it was the first time in a while that you had a free day to relax. out of all days, just why did he have to be here now? you’d be damned if you let your day get ruined by this unfriendly stranger. 

“are you trying to bribe me?” the stranger narrowed his eyes at you and you thought this was it. he was going to kill you and bury your body in the forest and your parents would come look for you, only to find your empty basket and then start a huge search party to find you and- the pink haired man moved to the side, refusing to look you in the eyes. “sit.”

you let out a squeak in glee, quickly taking a seat beside him. he watched in silence as you unwrap your desserts, glancing at the objects in question. even though you’d offered to share with him, he didn’t actually expect you to give him some of your food. sukuna was surprised when you handed him a… round squishy thing? 

“what is that? how is that going to satiate me?” he asked, almost offended, which made you giggle. you didn’t reply, instead thrusting the mochi towards him until he begrudgingly took it, closely inspecting it in suspicion. 

“that’s a daifuku mochi. it’s made out of rice flour and filled with red bean paste. but come to think of it… do you even like sweets? i’m sorry if you don’t particularly enjoy it,” you explained and grabbed one as well. you were about to bite into your mochi when you saw the stranger opening his mouth, ready to devour the entire mochi in one go. in horror, you quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him, only to have him suddenly pin you down and tower over you.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry!” you hastily said, now suddenly aware of the dark, threatening aura that he was emitting. maybe he was a killer after all. “i just didn’t want you to eat it in one go! they’re kind of difficult to eat in one go… plus you’re supposed to savour and enjoy it, take your time eating it!” 

sukuna stared at the girl in disbelief, you’d grabbed him out of nowhere just to stop him from eating too fast? not only were you not aware of who he was, you apparently did not know how to be cautious around strangers. it irked him that you were acting like he was a harmless human being. so much so that he briefly contemplated killing you. “who are you to tell me how to eat?” he growled at you, not softening his grip. he saw the panic and fear in your eyes but for some reason, he couldn’t quite put a finger on it, it didn’t fill him with joy as it usually did.

“i’m just telling you how we usually eat mochi!” you harrumphed, now annoyed that he was acting like you just committed murder. “you didn’t know what these were, so i was just trying to explain! food is supposed to be enjoyed, not ravished all at once. you have to appreciate your food because there might be days where you won’t have any. and besides, enjoying and properly tasting your meal is the least you can do to show gratitude to the person who cooked it for you.” sukuna let up and sat back on his previous spot, seemingly accepting your answer. you sat up, adjusting your yukata and pouted at him. what a rude stranger! you at least expected an apology from him but seeing that he was already taking a bite from his mochi, you guessed you should just let it go. it wasn’t worth getting angry over anyways, not on this day.

“why are you looking at me like that, little girl?” sukuna questioned, taking another bite from his mochi. he did actually enjoy it and it took every bone in his body not to hastily eat more and to savour it like you’d told him to. maybe this wasn’t so bad after all, it made him think about his meals a little more. not eating for the sake of eating, but for enjoyment, he mused. sort of like living for enjoyment, not for the sake of living. 

“you never told me your name,” the girl replied innocently. sukuna sighed. so you really weren’t aware of who he was. “my name is y/n! now it’s only fair if you tell me, especially because i shared my food with you. please?”

before sukuna could reply, he sensed someone quickly approaching. they were hiding somewhere in the forest; it likely was a jujutsu sorcerer, trying to exorcise him. he could deal with them later, but not here, not with you around. the girl looked at him in disappointment when he abruptly stood up, turning towards the forest behind them. unfortunately, he had the inkling that you wouldn’t let it go until he answered: “my name is sukuna, king of curses.” your eyes widened in recognition but you didn’t immediately react or scramble away from him, most likely frozen in fear. 

“now go. someone is coming and you do not want to be in the crossfire.”

002.

as a seamstress, you’ve encountered all kinds of customers. ranging from rude and bratty to eternally grateful, you’ve seen it all. your supervisor had always told you to remain calm and polite, to just adhere to their wishes to not cause any ruckus. after all, people of status often assumed that they were untouchable and could treat others poorly. it wasn’t worth the hassle to start a fight with them, you could lose your job after all. there was moments you’d have to stand up for yourself but this wasn’t it. fortunately, your employer paid you well, enough for you to provide for your family. the customers were high-profile after all.

you looked at the clock on the wall, your next customer was supposed to come soon. it was a nobleman that apparently travelled here from far away, having heard that the store offered beautiful, one of a kind fabrics. you just hope that he wasn’t rude and that you could leave in time. you’d been working overtime for weeks now, taking every appointment and customer that you could get. your mother’s birthday was approaching and you’d been saving up to buy some of the soft and silky fabrics to sew her a new yukata. your mother had always sacrificed her own comfort to buy the best items she could afford for your siblings and you and now that you were older, you could finally treat her to something nice as well. your employer was even willing to give you a small discount and you gratefully took up on her offer.

the chime of the doorbell made you look up, the good feeling in your stomach slowly fading when you saw who entered. you were familiar with the customer after all; he was well known in the area, being a rather volatile and sometimes scary aristocrat who had the reputation to be particularly difficult and having outrageous demands. you hastily stood up, brushing the wrinkles out of your clothing and walking over to greet him. you bowed politely, taking the outerwear that he took off and placing it on a nearby armchair. “sir, i’ll bring you a few samples shortly. do you have any colour or pattern preferences?” you asked him, placing a pot of tea and a cup on the small side table for him to enjoy. you made note of his wishes and disappeared in the storage room to pick up the samples. the customer had made himself at home, eyeing you scrutinizingly. he made you queasy, looking so incredibly unfriendly and you could tell that you were not going home early tonight.

you showed each of the fabrics to him, explaining what materials they were made of and what occasions they were good for but with each explanation, he just looks more and more uninterested. not to mention the snarky remarks he made, seemingly not happy of the choices you presented him. you were running out of options and you didn’t know what else to do to please him when suddenly you heard someone enter the shop. both the customer and you looked over confused - you weren’t expecting any more customers today, it was already late after all. a tall, pink-haired man entered the shop, scowling at your customer. you jumped slightly; he looked scary and you were terrified, not sure what to do in this situation. not only were the black markings on his face and body terrifying, there was also a threatening aura surrounding him, dark and slowly spreading out, all your instincts were screaming at you to run. should you politely ask him to leave? he looked like he wouldn’t take it too well. before you could ask him whether he was looking for something, the stranger spoke up: “you know who i am, leave.”

your eyes widened, slowly inching back towards the back of the store. you were not aware of who this man was but by the looks of your pale-faced customer, he surely did. “this is outrageous!” he exclaimed indignantly, jumping out of his seat. “you can’t just burst in here and demand that i leave! i have an appointment! are you aware of how long the waiting list is? this is the finest shop in the entire prefecture and i would rather die than to give up my spot for a scoundrel like you.” the stranger raised his eyebrows at the shorter man, clicking his tongue in annoyance. you slowly reached out to grab your pair of scissors. they probably weren’t of much use but it made you feel more safe, knowing you could at least somehow defend yourself.

“oh? you would rather die? i’m sure that can be arranged,” the stranger threatened and it was with horror that you watched his fingernails, sharp and pointy, grow in size. he wasn’t human, you’d just encountered a monster. he would kill you and it wouldn’t take him much effort to do so, you were sure he could just stab you with those fingernails. your customer squeaked and left the store in panic, slamming the door in the process, while you quickly hid behind the counter. you hoped he would leave you alone, you didn’t want to get involved. this wasn’t your problem, you were innocent and it was an unfortunate coincidence for you to be here. 

“stop hiding,” the stranger commanded, slowly approaching the counter. you peeked from below the counter, holding your breath. what else could he possibly want from you? demons surely didn’t need money. oh god, was he going to kidnap you?

he swiftly rounded the corner and knelt down to take a closer look at you - you couldn’t react fast enough, he’d already grabbed your chin and made you look at him, turning your head from side to side as he examined you. his fingernails were slightly digging into your skin, making your face scrunch up in discomfort. “so it is you,” he exclaimed in a low voice, then abruptly standing back up. you were confused - what did he mean by that? at least he didn’t kill you, at least not yet. but what else could he possibly want from you? “i need a new kimono. that scumbag just left anyways, make one for me instead.”

a kimono? a simple kimono? you couldn’t believe what you just heard. this demon just came in here, threw a fit but all he wanted was a simple kimono? you couldn’t help but scoff at the situation though it probably was difficult to enter a store without people fleeing or refusing to serve him. while he did look human, the markings on his face made it difficult not to feel threatened. but why did he know you? you had never seen this man in your life before. not in passing, not on drawings, nowhere. no matter how hard you wracked your brain, you just couldn’t recall. “d- do you have any- any colour preference?” you questioned him, watching how he took a seat and grabbed himself the cup of tea. 

“white,” he answered curtly, taking a sip from the tea. “i’ll leave everything else up to you.”

you felt uncomfortable but there was nothing else you could do than follow his orders. you grabbed a few plain white fabric samples and slowly inched over to him, holding them out with your trembling hands. “what?” he deadpanned. you huffed in frustration. 

“sir, you should… you should choose the fabric. it’s your kimono after all, you might not like the feeling of the fabric or it might not be a good fit for your everyday life,” you explained.

“i don’t care, just choose whatever. i’m above the comfort you stupid mortals choose.”

“that’s stupid,” the words left your mouth quicker than you could stop yourself and you slapped your hands over your mouth. the stranger looked at you as equally shocked. “i mean- i mean there’s nothing wrong with indulging in comfortable clothes!” you explained quickly, pressing the samples into his hands. “see you wouldn’t like scratchy clothes, right? or fabric that quickly makes you sweat or feel too warm! i always talk to my customers about what kinds of fabrics they would prefer… i believe life is too short to wear ill-fitting clothes or ones that don’t feel comfortable! good clothing should make you feel like… like a warm hug.”

the stranger didn’t look like he understood what you meant, making you scoff again. some people really didn’t care about what they wore and how they looked like and it just bothered you. good quality fabrics and well tailored clothing could make you feel confident and safe, even in the worst situations. how could you possibly relax if your clothing was maybe scratchy or ill-fitting? “i’ll prove it to you!” you exclaimed and left the room to gather your supplies, then coming back to instruct him where and how to stand so you could take his measurements. now that he was towering over you, you were suddenly very aware of how tall and broad he was. you felt like a dwarf next to him. up close, you noticed more details about him. he was attractive, you couldn’t deny that - the long wispy eyelashes, the watchful ruby eyes and his soft-looking pink hair. if he picked up on your staring, he didn’t comment on it.

once you were done taking notes and choosing fabrics, you gave him a slip of paper, noting down time and date for him to come back to pick the kimono up. “as for payment-” you started but the stranger dropped a huge bag of coins on the counter. you gasped, pushing the bag back into his arms. “sir, that’s too much! i’ll calculate the exact price for you but-” 

“take it,” he insisted and pushed it back towards you. “i have enough. you need the money right? see it as a generous tip.” your face flushed, you didn’t even know what to say and instead only profusely thanked him. it was so much money, the tip was enough to cover your family’s expenses for a year.

when sukuna picked up his kimono weeks later, he still didn’t understand what a hassle you made about the choice of fabrics and why you were so diligent in taking the measurements. he was fine with everything as long as he had something to wear in the first place. he didn’t care, he wasn’t a measly human that whined about the mildest inconvenience. in the private of his abode, he tried the kimono on, abruptly halting his movements as soon as the fabric touched his skin. so the girl was right, the fabric did feel incredibly good on his skin. it was very smooth and silky, a little cool on his skin. very lightweight but not flimsy. the kimono wasn’t too short and fit his tall statue well, you really did a good job he supposed. he glanced at himself in the mirror. it did look good on him, even the matching colours and patterns were chosen well. you really were a good seamstress, no wonder everyone was flocking to the store.

now that sukuna wore the kimono, he suddenly didn’t want to take it off. it was comfortable and soft, reminding him of you.

003.

your favourite spot was one below a tree, on top of a hill where you could see everything. the small city below, the horizon, the stars in the sky. you often came here when you felt like your life came crashing down your shoulders. it didn’t feel like your own anymore, not with your future already laid out for you without you being able to control it. complaining had always felt redundant and ungrateful to you - you had everything you needed, a loving family, food on the table and your family was wealthy enough to not have to worry about money. but in return, they expected everything from you, their eldest daughter. sometimes, the pressure was too much for you but they expected you to do as they say. everything was well until they announced that you were to get married and they’d found a suitor for you. you couldn’t even protest, the decision had already been made behind your back and you couldn’t refuse. you sniffled quietly, wrapping the blanket tighter around you. you didn’t know this man; he might be a complete asshole and not treat you well at all.

the wind was biting at your skin, cold and unrelenting, and yet you felt safe here, away from all your worries. the starry sky made you feel like your worries were miniscule, reminding you that there was so much more out there for you to discover. you’d always liked the sight of stars, they always made you happy. on lucky days, you’d even get to see a few shooting stars. you’d close your eyes and clasp your hands, hopeful that whatever wish you made would come true. the crunch of leaves and twigs made you look up in alarm, scared that your parents had found out you left the estate and now found your secret hiding spot. you couldn’t quite make out the figure in the darkness, only being able to tell that a tall person was approaching you.

you were wary, inching towards the tree behind you to hide but froze when a voice rang out: “i know you’re there. i was looking for you all over the city, little one.” a man clad in a kimono was coming closer, stopping right in front of you and looking at you in disdain. your eyes lit up as you recognized him; you’d met sukuna a couple of times in the city before, mostly when you went to pick up some books to read. he’d been there one time when you were choosing your books and scoffed at your choice. you’d ask him about it, wondering why he thought that your choice was a bad one. he went on and on about how historically inaccurate the book was and that the information about curses was wrong and how an author like that should be ashamed to even publish it. you appreciated the dialogue, you liked having someone to discuss with you. your parents didn’t like that you read fantasy books and books that talked about supernatural events and beings, dubbing them as nonsense and that you should focus on your studies instead.

after your third meeting, sukuna had finally opened up and told you his name. your meetings became more frequent then but you’d never met anywhere other than the bookstore. you were surprised that he even found you here; you decided not to question him though, sukuna always seemed to know where you were, always sensing where you were headed. truthfully, you looked forward to spending time with him. he was attentive and always listened to you, barely ever talking. oddly enough, it made you feel like finally, someone was paying attention to your thoughts and needs. lately, a heavy feeling in your chest was always accompanying you when you met up with him. it was a dull ache, some kind of yearning that you couldn’t quite put a finger on. it didn’t help that you felt like you’d met him before, but you really couldn’t recall where you had met him before. “what are you doing here?” you questioned him, scooting to the side to offer him some space on the picnic blanket.

unceremoniously, he sat down and glanced over to you. he didn’t reply, simply shrugging. “why didn’t you bring a coat?” you asked another question instead, frowning at his choice of clothing. aside from his kimono, he wasn’t wearing anything else. “you’ll catch a cold!” you scolded him, swatting his arm before tugging on his sleeve and signalling him to move closer to you so you could wrap the blanket around his shoulders. you struggled a little to reach him, almost stumbling - sukuna’s arm immediately shot out to hold you so you wouldn’t fall. your cheeks flushed red and you were thankful that it was dark. you cleared your throat and sat back down, snuggling into the blanket and his side. 

“by the way, i read that book you disliked the other day,” you told him, rambling about the contents of the book and what you thought of it, all while sukuna simply listened to you. he only spoke up when he challenged your way of thinking or to agree, otherwise staying silent and just watching you.

suddenly you grasped his hand in excitement, pointing at the sky. “oh, oh! look!!” sukuna’s gaze followed the direction you pointed to, spotting some shooting stars flitting across the sky. “you have to wish for something!” you squeezed his hand and nudged him, then squeezing your eyes shut to prepare yourself to wish. 

“what would i even wish for?” sukuna frowned and pinched your cheek. “what do you wish for?”

“you’re not supposed to share wishes! if you do, they won’t come true,” you argued back and stuck your tongue out at him. sometimes, he really was too skeptical, never indulging in harmless fun. it might be childish to believe in these things but sometimes that little spark of hope was all you need to wait for better things. you sighed when the shooting stars disappeared and let go of his hand, screaming internally. did you really grab his hand like that? you sure hoped you didn’t unsettle him. 

“i don’t think i told you, but my parents have found a suitor for me,” you confided in him quietly, staring at the grass near your feet. “i’m supposed to marry him next year but… i don’t want to, i don’t know this person and i just want to live my life with no one controlling it.”

“i see. there’s still time to get to know him, isn’t there?” you knew sukuna was trying to console you but it wasn’t exactly working. your words frustrated you a little; subconsciously, you’d hoped that he shared the same opinion and maybe, just maybe, help you do something reckless. 

“i don’t want to get to know him,” you huffed and crossed your arms (sukuna thought you looked like a petulant child). “i… i already like someone.”

“you do?” sukuna looked at you surprised and that was the first time that he’d shown any other emotion than indifference. you nodded shyly, hoping that maybe he’d get the hint. you weren’t confident just yet to confess to him but maybe he’d get it from your description alone? 

“i recently met him and i really like that he makes me feel like, you know, important and always pays attention to me. he doesn’t talk a lot but i think that that’s okay, we still have a silent mutual understanding, i guess. and i also think he looks really handsome! although i-”

sukuna had enough of your rambling, he felt annoyed that you were telling him about your stupid crush. whatever boy you had a crush on, they would never amount to the likes of him. why would you look at someone else when he was right there? right here, with you. sukuna reached over and grabbed your cheeks to make you look at him before pressing his lips on yours. you froze for a short moment before returning the kiss, holding onto his kimono when he wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you closer. why would you pay attention to someone else when he could be with you? for the first time in his existence as a curse, he briefly felt human again. maybe shooting stars were the key to wishes coming true after all; in this moment he wouldn’t mind being human again, being alone with her with only the stars as your witnesses.

004.

gradually you were really starting to dislike your night shifts. usually, you’d ask to cover them because it was quiet, there were no nosy customers and the only people that ever came in so late were sleep deprived students that pulled all nighters to write papers or study. well it used to be that way until a group of, presumably, freshmen started coming more and more frequently - they wouldn’t have been so annoying if it wasn’t for them talking and laughing obnoxiously loud. they would stay until late in the night and kept ordering drinks. the audacity to have oddly specific orders, to watch you like a hawk while you were preparing their drinks, it made your blood boil. to top it all off, one of the guys kept flirting with you, even when you’d already made it obvious that you were not interested at all. no matter how uninterested and abrasive you acted, the guy would not leave you alone and his friends would try to act as wingmen. clueless and horrible wingmen.

you were glad that you were never alone during your night shifts, depending on the weekday you’d work in a team of two or threes. whenever they could, they’d cover for you and you were thankful but also felt bad, which usually resulted in you taking over anyways. you placed the basket on the counter, grabbing a towel to dry the cups you’d just washed. the chime of the doorbell made you look up, your heartbeat speeding up at the sight of sukuna coming in. like the group of freshmen, sukuna had recently started to visit the café more and more. he usually only came late at night and he probably was your favourite regular. scratch that, he was your favourite, no one was as calm as him and he never caused trouble. yeah, maybe those night shifts weren’t all that bad, you thought to yourself. you looked forward to him visiting every time you had a night shift.

“hi sukuna,” you greeted him softly and gave him a smile, placing the cup on a shelf. “the usual?” he took a seat near the bar, placing his wallet on the counter and taking off his coat. sukuna was peculiar, not particularly in a bad way. you always thought that he was a little mysterious. he always wore the same kimono - who wears kimonos everyday in this day and age anyways - the same white kimono but maybe he just owned mulitple of them. you could never tell what he was thinking and he had never shown any emotions other than brief moments of bliss when he was having his usual order. his order had always and would probably always be a simple black coffee and some daifuku mochi. it was a weird combo, you mused, but somehow fit him. it was a sharp contrast, just like his tattoos and the soft pink hair. you finished up the order, pushing the cup of coffee and the plated mochi towards him - you’d sneaked another one in just for him, knowing how much he seemed to like them. sukuna looked up at you, ready to protest but you just brushed it off, telling him that it was okay.

out of the corner of your eye you saw your not so secret admirer approaching with an empty cup and you instantly knew you were bound to be annoyed again. you sighed, returning to the cash register to take his order. “so, when am i finally going to get to take you out?” the guy asked, leaning on the counter to get closer to you. you gritted your teeth, ignoring his question and instead took the empty cup, placing it in the kitchen sink behind you. 

“oh come on, don’t ignore me, baby,” he whined, not letting up until you answered. you were annoyed, so so annoyed. your co-workers were currently organizing the inventory so you were all by yourself - usually that would be fine but you’d had enough. this week has already been awful and you just wanted to be left alone. you glanced around, spotting sukuna on the side. suddenly a lightbulb went on in your head and you faced your admirer confidently. 

“i’m sorry but please stop flirting with me and trying to ask me out,” you started and pointed to sukuna who was innocently taking a bite from his mochi. “i already have a boyfriend and i don’t think he appreciates you cornering me like this. you being this persistent is really annoying, girls don’t like that.”

upon hearing his name, sukuna looked up and as if on cue, he glared at your admirer. “yeah, i suggest you fuck off. get a hint, you creep, she’s mine,” he snarled, making a move towards the other guy who was already scrambling to get away and profusely apologizing. mine, mine, mine. his words kept repeating in your head, your heart squeezing painfully. was he interested in you? would he ever come to see you more than just a barista? you sighed in both relief and affliction, trudging over to sukuna. 

“i’m sorry i dragged you into this,” you apologized embarrassed, shoulders drooping and you stared at the floor just so he wouldn’t see your reddened cheeks. “he’s been pestering me so much and i kind of thought that that was the only way to get him to back off.”

“i don’t mind,” sukuna replied curtly, resuming his seat. he didn’t say anything else and you slightly panicked, you wanted to keep talking to him, stay in his company for a little longer. 

“ah uhm sukuna, i want to thank you! if… if you don’t mind, i would like to treat you to another drink?” you suggested, your face now beet red. this was the most straightforward you had ever been with a guy, usually too shy to make a move. in distance you could hear the chime of the doorbell and the doors slamming, indicating that the group had left. you were alone. sukuna didn’t reply at first and you were sure you’d fucked up and got ready to backtrack and laugh it off when he nodded. 

“go ahead, little one,” he nodded towards the counter. “you choose the drink.”

you didn’t know why sukuna kept calling you little one but for some reason, you didn’t mind. it did however make your heart ache in what you could only describe as melancholy. you weren’t sure why. while you started brewing some green tea for the two of you, the sound of thunder rumbled in the distance. the pitter patter of raindrops against the glass front was the only sound audible in the entire café. sukuna hadn’t uttered another word, not even making a sound of acknowledgement when you handed him the cup of tea and sat next to him. 

“you didn’t bring an umbrella,” you noted, looking out of the window. it was raining heavily, with no signs of it stopping anytime soon. “i guess you’ll have to stay here for a little longer, otherwise you’ll get sick. i hope you aren’t sick of me though.”

sukuna took a sip of his tea. “i don’t mind your company,” he replied, looking at you. you couldn’t tell what he was thinking but you sincerely hoped he wasn’t joking. hearing that gave you a little hope. 

“i like moments like this,” you confessed to him, clutching the warm cup with your sweater paws. “having a warm cup of tea and watching the rain from the comfort of your home. or in this case, a café. the sound of rain is really calming, isn’t it? makes you forget about all your worries for a while, it’s just you and your cup of tea.”

again, sukuna didn’t reply for a while. you thought you’d bored him to death with your monologue until he spoke up: “i don’t see how it’s any different from having a cup at any time of the day.” your cup was placed back on the counter. you frowned, not sure how to explain it to him. in moments like these, sukuna seemed to be something of an old being that has seen everything, feelings now dull and locked away. 

“well, see it like this. making yourself a cup of tea or coffee everyday is a normal thing to do, right? it happens almost automatically because it’s just part of your daily routine, you like how it tastes, it makes you feel more awake or helps you sleep. but… but you never really take your time to enjoy it, right?”

sukuna was contemplating, you almost giggled at the little frown on his face. but you were glad that he was willing to listen to you and discuss it with you, instead of dismissing the topic entirely. “but what does that have to do with rain?” he finally asked. 

you pointed outside. “you wouldn’t really go out in this weather, right? not if you have any emergencies or urgent matters to attend to. and same goes for everyone else; it kind of… kind of forces you to stay inside, to fully enjoy your warm beverage. the sound of rain is pretty calming, it’s some kind of whitenoise that might block out intrusive thoughts, at least it does that for me. so it’s only you, the sound of rain and your cup of tea. for a few minutes, you can just relax and have a moment for yourself.”

sukuna still didn’t quite understand how humans worked. it’s been hundreds of years since he’s ceased to be human, he’s forgotten what is what like being human. what human emotions entailed. but he agreed, it has been a while since he’s felt at ease and peaceful even. it was a moment of bliss, a moment that caused a flare-up of old, buried feelings inside of him.

004.1

you still hadn’t mustered up the courage to actually ask sukuna out after you dragged him into that fake dating-situation. he did still come late at night, being the most loyal customer of the café at this point. it was almost… almost as if he’d seeked out your company. though he did tell you that he didn’t mind your company; your ego deflated a little. sukuna still wore his kimono but paired it with a thick winter coat - it was winter after all and the weather had been very extreme. the ground was covered in inches of snow and you hadn’t seen the sun in weeks. sukuna insisted on walking you home when your shift ended. you weren’t sure why because he’d never offered to do so before. you were thankful though since it was still snowing and the streets were completely empty; even though the snow looked beautiful, it was still a little eerie to walk home in this weather. especially since a lot of busses weren’t running anymore due blocked roads.

“sukuna, aren’t you cold?” you asked as you switched off the lights and fumbled with your keys. finally finding the right one, you closed up, shoving the keys back in your back and fishing out your gloves. “you don’t even wear gloves!” you gasped when you saw his bare hands, handing him one of yours. sukuna looked at you as if you were crazy.

he wasn’t cold but he couldn’t tell you that, couldn’t let you know that he was a curse. but handing him one of you gloves? you were too nice, always thinking of others first and never being selfish. sighing, he put on the glove that was uncomfortably small but he’d endure it for your sake.

“it’s been a while since we’ve had this much snow,” you mused and took a few steps around, giggling at the sound of crunching snow beneath your feet. sukuna simply followed you, looking comical with the bright yellow and tiny glove on his hand. you smiled at him, admiring how etheral he looked underneath the streetlights with the snowflakes flurrying around him and some getting stuck in his hair. your heart suddenly ached, a far away memory emerging. it was blurry and unclear, a cold night similar as this underneath the stars and a face staring at you. you couldn’t tell who it was nor were you sure whether it was just a case of déjà vu.

“you know, this kind of calls for a snowball fight,” you grinned at sukuna mischievously and grabbed some snow, beginning to form it into a ball. he raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, looking at you defiantly. 

“i’m not going to indulge in childish business like th-” he didn’t get to finish his sentence as you hurled the snowball at him and giggled like a maniac as it hit his shoulder. you quickly hid behind a bush as you quickly tried to form another, enjoying the dumbfounded look on sukuna’s face. clearly, he didn’t expect you to follow through with your plan and was caught by surprise. “oh you’re on,” he growled after a moment and grabbed himself some snow as well. you quickly threw another snowball at him, this time only being able to hit his leg. eyes widening at the sight of sukuna raising his arm to throw his snowball at you, you let out a squeak and dove behind a tree - the snowball still hit you square on your back, making you yelp at the cold feeling.

for minutes you could only hear the crunches of snow, loud laughter and snowballs hitting objects. you sat on a bench, exhausted from running and ducking away and your belly was starting to hurt from all the laughter. sukuna caught up to you, juggling a snowball in his hands. “you gonna give up?” he asked, a smirk gracing his lips. clearly he was winning, being able to aim a lot better than you. you missed him most of the time but had fun regardless. 

“never!” you replied, holding out your arms to defend yourself from the incoming snowball. it never came and instead sukuna was inching closer with an evil look in his eyes. oh no. what was he up to? you yelped when you realized that he was aiming for your neck, jumping up to get away from him. sukuna was quick to react and grabbed your arm, pulling you back into his chest and holding you close, smushing the snow against your neck. “ew sukuna, stop!” you laughed and squirmed in his arms until he threw the snowball away, rubbing your back gently. 

“that was really cold, you know,” you pouted, burying your face in his chest. 

he wrapped his arms around you, sighing quietly. “i know, i know, sorry.”

you swore that you felt his lips on the crown of your head.

005.

you were, undoubtedly, lost. your phone was about to die and you were stranded in the middle of the city, not sure where to go. to be fair, it was very, very easy to get lost here and it was your first time visiting. your grandparents lived here and while you’ve visited before, you couldn’t quite remember anything anymore. you were a child back then. and the city had drastically changed too, making it difficult for you to navigate yourself around. though your poor sense of direction was probably at fault as well. you sighed, trying to call your grandparents again. no one was picking up. you turned your phone off to save some of the battery, maybe you could call them later.

luckily, you’d brought your cameras so you could at least keep yourself busy until someone freed you from this misery. you walked towards the nearby shrine; there didn’t seem to be any people here, it was very quiet aside from the sound of cicadas. you took a few photos before continuing your journey, soon finding yourself standing on top of the hill. the view from here was breathtaking, even more so because the sun was starting to set, painting the sky in a beautiful yellow and orange hue. you fumbled with your camera again, trying to take a photo when someone suddenly moved into your shot. you paused and looked at the person in front of you who was staring at you as well. considering they were wearing a kimono, you assumed that they must work here. did you make a mistake? maybe you weren’t supposed to take photos and this person came to tell you off.

“i’m sorry!” you said quickly, quickly shoving your camera in your bag. “am i allowed to take photos here?” 

the stranger frowned at you, clearing his voice before replying: “how am i supposed to know? i don’t work here.” 

you groaned, rubbing your face in embarrassment. of course you’d say something wrong, you always did. and now you probably annoyed him too - he looked really annoyed. but since he wasn’t working here and there was no one else around, you guessed you could take photos after all. there was no one to tell you off anyways. however, the stranger was still standing there, looking at you in what seemed like interest. you felt awkward just continuing your endeavors without acknowledging him, so you asked: “do you live here? i’m just visiting, so i’m not very familiar with the city.”

“you could say that,” the stranger simply replied. when he didn’t say anything else, you decided that it probably was okay if you just continued taking photos without acknowledging him. though it did make you queasy, knowing that he was just watching you. didn’t he have anything else to do? a few minutes passed. he sighed and walked over, pointing at your camera. “what are you doing?” you were surprised at how straightforward he was, not expecting to engage in a conversation with you. maybe people in this city were just extra talkative and you’d have to get used to it. your grandparents never told you about this though. 

“ah i’m visiting my grandparents here and i thought i’d document my stay here. so i can look at these photos whenever i want and just have the memories on photo,” you explained and rummaged in your bag to show him the polaroids you took earlier. “i particularly like polaroids because you can’t edit or change them… whatever moment you capture, it’s true to what you saw. there’s no need to make photos beautiful when they hold a special place in your heart and are tied to a specific memory.”

the stranger nodded, pointing to your polaroid camera. “and you take them with this device?” his choice of words startled you a little, he didn’t seem to be familiar with this type of camera which you found odd. everyone knew what these were nowadays, almost everyone owned them. but you didn’t want to judge him or make him feel stupid though, patiently explaining to him how the cameras worked and where he could purchase them. he seemed to be really interested, closely inspecting the camera, turning it around and fumbling with the buttons. only after you finished rambling, you realize how much time had passed - it was almost dark now and your grandparents were probably worried sick. your phone was turned off the entire time and you forgot to call them. 

“excuse me, i really need to call my grandparents!” you looked at him apologetically, leaving him with your photos and camera. normally, you would be very wary; normally, you wouldn’t even show anyone your photos, rather keeping them to yourself because they were your precious memories. but something about him resonated with you, he seemed familiar and yet he didn’t.

you found a spot a few meters away from him calling your grandparents and profusely apologizing to them for not calling sooner. you promised them to wait at a popular and well known spot nearby so they could come to pick you up since it was already getting late, then hung up. to your relief, the stranger was still standing there, watching you intently. “thank you,” you smiled as he handed you your belongings. “my grandparents are picking me up soon, thank you for keeping me company. won’t you be going home soon?” 

suddenly his face expression turned rather… sad? somewhat melancholic and you feared you’d said something wrong until he shook his head. “i have to go somewhere later. let me walk you for a bit, it is dark after all.” you looked at him a little dumbfounded, not expecting him to suggest something like that.

“oh you don’t have to! i’ll totally be fine, i-” “i want to. let’s go,” he interrupted you, already beginning to move. you hastily followed him, clutching your bag in your hands. the entire walk was rather silent, none of you saying a word. it wasn’t a tense and uncomfortable silence though - you very much enjoyed his presence. it made you feel safe too, even though you’d told him earlier that you didn’t mind walking by yourself, it was comforting to know that he was by your side. you were in an unfamiliar city after all. hell you even got lost, so who were you kidding. you wondered who the stranger was, what his story was, what his personality was like. this was a one time meeting though, so you didn’t really have any hope of meeting him again. that was very unlikely.

“okay this is the spot. my grandparents are going to pick me up here, so it’s okay if you go,” you pointed at a café and gave him a reassuring smile. he didn’t look impressed. “o-oh wait, i need to thank you somehow.” you held a finger up to signal him to wait for a bit and fished out a polaroid you’d taken earlier. it was a simple shot, only the temple, bits of the trees and the sunset in the background. but you thought it was appropriate, the two of you had shared this moment after all. 

“here, this is for you. it’s not a lot but i guess… it’s a really nice photo and maybe the start of your collection, if you decide to get a polaroid camera?” he took the photo from you, inspecting it before nodding and thanking you. he looked like he was about to say something else but was interrupted by some bright car lights and the sound of honks.

“ah, i have to go! it was nice meeting you,” you bid farewell to him and waved, running towards the car. sukuna watched your figure retreat, arms dropping to his sides.

006.

it was so cold, so incredibly cold. you really hated disliked these long winters, the sky was constantly dull and grey, the days were short and you hadn’t seen the sun in weeks. it made you feel sluggish and unmotivated, you were just hoping that spring was coming earlier this year. you yearned for sunshine and warmth, to be able to go outside without freezing and just spend more time outside. regardless, you held onto your daily walks because they gave you some peace of mind in your hectic life. you were approaching the last year of your studies and the amount of exams, assignments and your looming thesis were just suffocating you. but soon, soon you were done and could finally take a breather, until then, the only moments of relaxation you’d have were your walks.

despite the cold, there were a lot of people near the park; children who were engaging in snowball fights, elderly who were walking their dogs and some joggers too. your eyes were wandering around, watching all the busy people around. too absorbed in your task, you didn’t notice the man in front of you until you bumped into him. you quickly removed your earbuds and apologized to him, about to continue walking when he suddenly grabbed your arm, holding you back. you were confused, did you maybe accidently hurt him when you bumped into him? you looked him up and down to make sure that he was okay; there really wasn’t anything wrong. he let go of your arm. “is something wrong?” you asked concerned and turned to him. 

“y/n?” 

you froze at the mention of your name. how did he know you?

“who are you? i’ve never met you before.”

in all your past lifetimes, you’d taught him how to be human again, how there was value and joy in even the littlest of things. with each iteration of your existence, sukuna thinks that he’s learned to love you more than the last. when he sees how at ease you are spending time with him, a curse that is feared by everyone, he contemplates confessing to you. but something holds him back, it’s the fear; the fear that you won’t return his feelings. he’s seen you be with someone else, see you fall in love countless of times. he yearns for it to be him, hoping that you do choose him, love him. for thousands of years, he’s spent his time finding you - your reincarnations don’t recognize him and it pains him to get to know you anew each time but nothing pains him as much as his existence. he wants to hold you, be yours, grow old with you.

for the first time in thousands of years, sukuna wishes to be human again.

ps.: i am so sorry if i hurt your heart there omg

[disaster-by-chance]

A lil rant about Luca and other Pixar movies of the past...

Saw an interesting thing where someone was questioning why the gays herded to Luca and ended up loving the movie when there's other Pixar movies about being different and learning to accept yourself by the end of the movie.

And that's valid, because when it comes to Pixar there's usually two things that happen. Either the protagonist is different and finds a way to accept themselves in the end, or the two main protagonists have a falling out that's ultimately the climax of the story.

However, the only Pixar movies I could think of that followed the idea of, "I'm different, my family won't accept me." were Coco, Brave, Bugs Life, and Ratatouille.

Coco and Brave sort of followed the same idea, seeing as they were both human protagonists who happened to have a family who didn't fully accept them. Miguel wanted to be a musician while Merida didn't want to be a princess/Queen.

Bugs Life and Ratatouille sorta followed a similar idea as well. Seeing as the protagonists weren't human and both had a special talent (Remy cooking and Flick inventing) that wasn't socially acceptable until the end of the movie.

Then, now we have Luca, a mix of both of those as the main protagonist who isn't accepted by his family is both human and not.

So why did the gays flock to it?

Because it is gay! It's queer! Romantically or platonically, you can't deny it was queer.

While Brave might appeal to me as an asexual, it didn't do much for the rest of the community. Not to mention, it had lots to do with family, blood family, something that a lot of people of the LGBTQ+ community usually don't get to keep.

Coco was another movie about blood family and blood family accepting you. And Miguel serves as the only child in the story, with the rest of the characters being adults. Meaning, you can't see the same things you see between Luca and Alberto.

And although I like Bugs Life (sorta) that's just,,, it's just not a movie a community can flock to over shared experiences. Plus, Flick, though he's ostracized, gets with the female protagonist in the end so-

And then there's Ratatouille. Another Pixar movie with banger music and a wonderful story. And a main character that makes you question, "Wait...Are they..?" Trans Remy for the win! And as far as I'm concerned, the gays also love that movie! It's probably another one they can relate to (me included) but I just think that the difference between it and Luca is that Luca has more metaphors and just the fact that Luca was released a few days ago while Ratatouille was released years ago. Luca is fresh, essentially.

That being said, the reason why we gays flocked to the movie rather than other Pixar movies that shared a similar idea is because of how gay it was.

Even if it wasn't intentional, there were so many metaphors for growing up queer in an environment that wasn't accepting. More than the rest of the movies previously listed.

Not to mention all the Italian love songs that were mixed it. None of the other movies had something like that.

And unlike the other movies, the protagonist had someone of their gender who was around their age help them out. So that the audience could see the subtle nods and their relationship develop as the movie went on.

"But there was blood family involved!" Yes, for Luca, yes, but Alberto? Alberto had the gay experience of parents leaving (getting kicked out for being queer) and then the chance to have a found family (Massimo and Guilia).

So when I say the gays went to it specifically because it was gay, I mean it.

Unlike any Pixar movie before, so many people could see themselves in this movie! I could see myself in the movie and tried very hard not to cry as I watched it because I didn't want my mom to say anything.

And it's beautiful??? Why relate to Bugs Life when you've got this Italian seaside beauty??

Not saying that every LGBTQ+ person enjoyed it, but a vast majority of them now call this a comfort movie (me included!). My brother, who is gay, liked the movie, but not as much as I did.

I have my theories of why that is (when I came out, my parents were not accepting and when he did, they had changed their ways) but you can't deny that it was a good movie.

TDLR; The reason why the LGBTQ+ community flocked to Luca vs other Pixar movies of the past is because of how much they could relate to this story and its characters. The music, metaphors, and character dynamics all strongly create a movie that a queer person could relate to in one way or another vs other movies that had lesser of an impact.

[thefanficmonster]

My Kind

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warning: Swearing

Genre: Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having been chosen by the gang to be a guest streamer on today’s stream of Among Us, it’s safe to say Y/N’s super excited but also a bit nervous. The whole of her anxiety gets lifted off her when she meets someone with the exact same vibe as hers - yeah you guessed it.

Requested by @monizzle96 Hi dear! Thank you so much for your wonderful request! I’m so terribly sorry it’s taken me so long to write and post it but here it finally is! I hope you come across it and read it and if so I hope you enjoy it! Love, Vy ❤

This has to be the fiftieth time I’ve checked my setup in the past twenty four hours. But no, I’m definitely not nervous, what are you talking about. Pshhh. Nah, being nervous isn’t in my brand. Plus, what do I have to make me nervous - a group of famous streamers inviting me onto their stream to play Among Us with them because they enjoyed my own streams? Ok yeah, that’s a pretty good reason. Not gonna lie, I almost chucked my phone out of excitement when I received that DM from Toast, telling me they’d picked me to be their guest streamer for today’s date. My stomach was doing somersaults for a good forty-eight hours following that text and then the anxiety slowly started setting in fueled by the expectations they probably have of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not inexperienced in the streaming field, I’ve been a streamer longer than some of the members of Toast’s streamer gang actually. But I never managed to garner that big of a following which I’m honestly quite ok with. I have a modest - ok, maybe larger than modest - following consisting of incredibly loyal fans which I will never stop being grateful for. They are all so respectable of me, my privacy and my boundaries. They know the main rules: no shit-talking in the chat or in any of my comment sections, no bashing other YouTubers in my comments/chat, and most definitely not asking for a face reveal. Fun fact: I didn’t even set up that last rule, they all just collectively know not to ask for it. 

I’ve been keeping my brand pretty low-key to avoid garnering some unwanted attention - some of which I’ve already experienced on certain social media platforms following the full body pictures I posted on there - face not visible of course. I tend to also have my webcam on, facing towards my hands working away on the keyboard sometimes when I stream. I don’t know why people obsess over faceless content creators’ hands, but I appreciate the enthusiasm - it also drives me to do a manicure every now and then which ain’t so bad, self-care and all that you know.

Now, back to the subject of my ridiculous nervousness.

You see, it has layers.

I’m nervous of ‘preforming’ underwhelmingly and I’m nervous of what my own fans will think of the person I will become during this stream. They know me as a super chill and laid-back person, which I am by the way, but they might think I’m putting on a show if I exhibit any nervous gestures/vocabulary. I highly doubt they would, but the possibility is not letting my mind rest. And now that it’s about ten minutes till the stream starts, I’m getting doing my best to calm my nerves.

They are all just people. You know they are super chill too. Just be yourself, that’s why they invited you, because you are yourself on all your streams. They liked you for your personality, humor, maybe even your gaming skills. So chill the hell out and be yourself, damn it!

Easier thought than put into action that’s for sure.

I start my stream five minutes early just so I can vibe with my viewers for a little while before I have to meet the gang. My fans always have a way of injecting me with confidence, they remind me of where I was when I started and how far I’ve come. How much I achieved when I thought I’d be nothing and no one, someone the algorithm would simply overlook. But then they entered my life and I entered theirs and it all became much better than I ever thought it would get to be. I rarely tell myself ‘good job’ for the milestones I’ve reached or the hard work I’ve put into my content, but that’s probably cause I orient myself based on that quote from the movie Whiplash: ‘There are no two words in the English language more harmful than good job’ - simply put, I’m never satisfied with what I do and I always strive to do better. My fans, however, make sure I don’t go overboard with it - always serving as a reminder that I’ve done plenty for myself and others. And that’s what makes an amazing fandom, one I consider family.

Whoa, when did those five minutes fly by?!

Ah shit, here we go. Deep breaths, Y/N you got this.

“Hello!“ I say as I enter the Discord call, subconsciously biting my lower lip, grateful the camera isn’t capturing it. However, I make a mental note to keep my hands steady cause that’s the one part of me people can actually see and the last thing I want is for them to see how much my fingers are trembling.

“Oh hi, Y/N!“ Toast is the first one to greet me, “Welcome to the stream! Thank you so much for accepting our invitation.“

“Thank you for having me and inviting me, Toast. This is a huge deal for me. You guys are basically YouTube legends, this is unreal to me.“ I reply, cringing immediately afterwards because of my fangirl rambling. Great way to make first impressions, Y/N. Bravo.

To be fair, they already have an impression of you. Quit stressing.

Aright, you’ve got a point, me.

“Oh please, we owe all that to our fans. We’re really nothing special. All streamers are almost completely alike, we all owe where we are to the people who helped us make it there - our fans. We’re no legends.“ Toast says, bringing a small smile to my face as well as a light pink blush to my cheeks, “And from what I’ve seen, you yourself have quite the following. And your fans seem to adore you.“

“And I absolutely adore them.“ I chuckle, “They mean the world to me. They are the reason I’m here today.”

“Then we have to give them a special thank you, don’t you think?“ The teasing, familiar giggle, widens my smile - it’s Rae, “Nice to meet you, Y/N! I’m Rae, and, no cap, I’m quite a fan of your content. No joke, I binged your entire series of Resident Evil 7 as soon as I found your channel when Toast said he’d invite you.“

This rattles me a bit. I can hardly believe it - am I really receiving a compliment from an A-list name in the streaming world? My fans must be hella proud of me right now. A quick glance at my chat confirms that they indeed are. That in and of itself fills me with joy and newfound confidence.

“Oh Gosh, thank you so much Rae! That means the world to me. You’re all so sweet.“ I reply, lifting my ice cold hands to cool down my burning cheeks, my lips spread into a grin, my stomach filled with butterflies.

“Oh please, we have some real savages around here.“ A male voice, seemingly Charlie’s scoffs, “Don’t overlook us please.“

“Wait, we do?“ A deep voice, one I immediately know the owner of speaks up, “Who? How come I don’t know about that?“

I can’t help bust snort, “Nice to meet you, Corpse. Sarcasm central, I see.”

He laughs, “Just returning it to where it’s due. Nice to meet you too, Y/N. Sick Outlast series, by the way.“

Ok, wait, I have two A-list streamers complimenting my content. Ok, I’m bound to crack open a few beers to celebrate later cause OH MY GOD.

“Thanks! I’m a horror junkie so I’d be lying if I said I haven’t binge watched all your story-times. Personal favorites are the deep web ones, they fascinate me.“

“Oh, you’re one of my kind even more than I expected, huh?“ He replies, the tone of his voice changing, raising a bit due to what I can only describe as excitement and enthusiasm. “I’ve had people tell me it’s twisted, but I really like seeing the lengths to which the fucked up human mind can go to. Like, the shit I’ve read is insane! Some stories I didn’t narrate cause I would’ve probably had my video taken down, it was that messed up.“

My eyes widen, sharing the same excitement at the thought of digging deeper into this phenomenon, “Careful, Corpse, you’re walking a dangerous line of tempting me to deep-dive on Reddit in search of those exact stories.”

“No need.“ Corpse says, his tone now taking up a bit of a cocky note, “I still got them all saved, I can send them to you no problem.“

“Please do! I seriously gotta read them now. If I can’t sleep afterwards, I’m blaming you, Corpse. Just FYI.“ I say, giggling slightly, finding myself all but completely comfortable now. I wonder where all that anxiety went? 

“Blame fully taken. Given that I’m not much of a sleeper, I’ll keep you company whenever you think there’s a killer hiding in your closet or fear a red room pop-up will appear on your computer screen.“ He replies, chuckling.

“Um, that’s oddly specific.“ Charlie comments, “Been there yourself, buddy?”

“Perhaps.“ Corpse wheezes, getting a laugh out of me too, “I will neither confirm nor deny.“

“You know what, I’ll just private message you my number so if you see it call you at some ungodly hour, you don’t freak the fuck out. Sounds good?“ I ask, already prepping to type it out and send it to him. 

“Perfect. Wait...“ he pauses for a second, sounding puzzled for a second, “You don’t have mine.“

“Oh, do I not?“ I reply with a sinister tone - thought to answer the question, I of course don’t have his number.

“Oh, do you?“ He sasses me right back. “If so then you don’t need me to send it to you. Cool.“

Ah, shit

“Wait, no! I-I need to confirm it’s the correct one!“

Damn, never did I think I’d be complimented by some of the most important streamers on this platform, but to get a number of theirs too? That’s a whole another level that will take me time to process. But I’ll do that another time, right now, I have to kick these people’s butts in Among Us and later I have some deep web stories to read.

Turns out, all it takes to get comfortable in a new surrounding is someone of your kind. And Corpse is definitely one of my kind.

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