#Interesting. Does that make you angry? Are you upset with how your life has been toyed with? Are you? and shes just like . what | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hwaslayer · 15 days ago

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wildfire (cs) | fourteen.

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 5.5k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing/mature language, mostly focused on namjoon again in his stressed with no rest era, oc tells her friends about everything, jiung x oc fighting, crying :(, oc has a pretty good talk with namjoon, things are just shifting/changing

—a/n: the next fic coming up after wildfire has been posted here! also if you haven't taken my poll, pls do so! hehe <33 i appreciate u

You lay back against the arm of the couch with your blanket sprawled on top, typing away the last bits of info into your presentation. You're a slide away from creating your acknowledgements slide and wrapping up the entire rotation update. You had gotten an email from both San and Namjoon stating that your rotation in San's lab was ending due to a change in your timeline and that you needed to present your rotation update to the both of them, along with the dean, in the following week. It scared you at first— and it still does now— but it's starting to make more sense as to why San did what he did. Namjoon sent you a side email asking if you could meet today because he wanted to discuss what was going on. He kept it vague. Short.

Maybe he was holding off until the meeting.

It's obvious who started all of this. It's not hard to tell.

But, you agreed to meet after TAing for Yunho— letting Namjoon know you'd be there as soon as class was over. He agreed to the time and sent you a reassuring message towards the end, telling you all would be well and that he'd help you figure things out no matter what.

It was reassuring, but it doesn't mean you weren't scared.

Anxious.

Nervous.

Doesn't mean any if this it hurt any less. Doesn't mean you weren't angry, upset, sad. You still needed to feel it out, especially being alone and going through this without anyone else to talk to about it.

You had Eunchae, Jurin and Felix. But, you wished you had Jiung to talk to. You wished you didn't feel hurt about him, too.

—FLASHBACK

"So, you two are seeing each other?" Jurin asks while she sits in front of you and holds onto your knee to give it a gentle rub. Eunchae sits next to you with her arm over your shoulder, also giving you a gentle caress, squeeze. Felix sits next to Jurin and he's got a look of concern, but sadness. You had finally opened up about everything between you and San; from how things started, the conferences, staying at his house, being with him—

To not.

Jiung keeps himself posted near your window because he doesn't really wanna hear more about it but he needs to— to understand the full story. Part of him also feels guilty for what he did hearing your cries and how awfully torn up you are over Professor Choi.

San.

He's gotta get used to you calling him San like that.

"Were." You shake your head and press the tissue against your nose to pat it dry. "It's done with now."

"But, why? Couldn't you guys just play it off?"

"I'm sure he wanted to be safe, though." Felix adds softly. "I think I kinda see where he's coming from." He looks at you. "I don't think he meant to hurt you, but he's probably trying to protect you and keep everything safe in the meantime. Once this blows over—"

"I doubt we'd get back together."

"Don't say that. You never know, Y/N. I agree with Lix. He's probably just trying to do what's best for now even if it hurts him to. I'm sure he cares a lot about you. I mean heck, he almost fucked up Hae-jin in front of everyone." You sigh and look down at your hands, the feeling of sadness and emptiness all consuming.

"He does." Eunchae adds to Jurin's reassurance. "I don't know why Professor Lee and Professor Jeong think it's their business, though. Haven't they done enough damage?"

"Awful. People literally can't mind their business, especially when it has nothing to do with them."

"I get the power dynamics but Professor Choi doesn't seem like the type. So, honestly, it's not like anyone was getting hurt in the process." Jiung silently fiddles with his hoodie string as Felix goes on.

"And people clearly don't know you if they assume you're the one throwing yourself on him." Jurin adds.

"Damn. Two people can't just be together?" Felix shakes his head. "Anyway, you got us, and this will pass. I'm sure Professor Kim will do everything to help and figure things out, too." You dig your face into your hands, trying to wipe away the remaining tears before you nod and smile at Lix in appreciation for his support, too.

Still, you can't help but notice how Jiung has remained quiet this entire time— barely able to maintain eye contact with you.

"Should we go to dinner? Get some food in you?" Eunchae gives you a small smile and giggle. You nod and stand with them, quickly checking your appearance in the mirror while the three start making their way out of your door.

"Can we talk for a second?"

"About?"

"I just have to tell you something. Probably shouldn't wait until after dinner."

"Um, okay?" You look at him, hands crossed over your chest in a vulnerable manner, doe-eyes peeking up at him as he lets out a hefty sigh. "What's on your mind?"

"Y/N, I'm sorry. I just wanna say I'm sorry and I hope you understand where I'm coming from. But—" He lets out another sigh before shaking his head, almost as if he were shaking his feelings off. Trying to tell himself he needs to say it. "I-I went to Professor Kim and told him about you and Professor Choi. I told him I thought you were being taken advantage of and that I was worried."

"What?" You can barely get out. "W-why would you do that?"

"I was really just worried and I wasn't sure how else to get to you. I-I thought Professor Kim would be able to help—"

"Jiung." You call his name and step back, not wanting to be in close proximity to him. You knew he was worried about you, but you didn't think he'd go off and talk to Namjoon about it right away. "Why would you do that? Why couldn't we just keep talking about it— why did you have to go and blow this up even more?!"

"I'm sorry, can you blame me?!—"

"You didn't have to go behind my fucking back and tell Professor Kim! I already told you it wasn't like that and you still told him it was?! What the actual hell, Jiung?"

"I was just worried about you! I was being your fucking bestfriend, trying to make sure you weren't hurt or anything."

"And then you made things worse. Are you happy?" You scoff. "Those assumptions could have really fucked up Professor Choi."

"What about you, Y/N? Why do you keep disregarding yourself?! Is that even healthy—"

"Healthy?! I'm telling you the truth!" You scoff. "And you don't know shit about me and him, so quit acting like you do." You throw your hands up in defeat because he'll never get it. "Forget it, okay? You'll never understand and I don't need you to."

"Hey, what's going on?" Felix pops his head in, confused at the ruckus going on behind doors. Truthfully, he heard everything just as he was approaching the door to check up on you, and he's not sure how to feel. It's hard. He feels like he's in the middle because he sees Jiung, he sees you.

"You guys can go off to dinner together, but I'll probably just stay behind."

"But, Y/N—" Jiung adds in defeat.

"Why don't you and the girls go? We'll catch up later." Felix tugs him by the sleeve and gives him a look. "Give her some space." He mutters lowly just as he gets in close distance.

—END

Your alarm blares on the coffee table, a harsh reminder that you haven't really slept much. It was time to wrap up and get ready for Yunho's class— something you weren't entirely ready to tackle today either.

But, you get up anyway.

You sigh and put on your brave face.

You throw on a simple sweater, jeans and your Sambas— dabbing a bit of mascara, brow gel and lip gloss to fix yourself up a tiny bit for the day. You were tired of feeling sad and dressing the part; the least you could do was finally get some fresh air and look decent enough for the world while coming out of your slump. You grab your things and pack up your bag, heading out of the door with your keys in hand.

Kinda sucks you won't be returning to San's lab.

Kinda sucks you won't be returning to San.

You let out a sigh and quietly walk over to the classroom in peace, keeping your head down for a majority of the time.

Avoiding eye contact, avoiding anything having to do with the outside world in meantime.

"Hey!" Yunho says in his usual fashion. You give him a small smile, although you're not really sure why he's joining class yet again today. He had been joining your class in particular recently, and you knew why.

He just wanted to get under your skin.

"Hi." You respond, getting your laptop together. Yunho continues to watch you from where you're standing, noting the sadness that envelopes your entire body. The way you're avoiding him. The way it's so blatantly obvious that you know that he knows.

That Iseul is the reason why you're sad.

You don't say anything otherwise; keeping your head down and away from Yunho even while the class walks in. You continue to carry on with the last journal club of the class before giving everyone time to work on their final proposals before it's due at the end of the evening. A few people linger at the end of class to speak with you and Yunho to get your guidance on the last remaining bits of their proposals before they thank you for all your help and head out for the day.

You still haven't said a word to Yunho, and he can't help but ask:

"Is something wrong?" Yunho asks nonchalantly after class, looking at your figure even though you are avoiding eye contact with him while packing up your things.

"No."

"You don't have to lie to me."

"I don't know why you're asking if something is wrong when you know what it is already. Don't you?" You look at him plainly from the side before gathering the rest of your things.

"Whatever's been happening between you and San is between you and San—"

"So, was it you who told Professor Kim? Or was it Professor Lee?" You cut him off. Yunho stares at you, and he doesn't respond. Of course he won't, of course he won't throw Iseul under the bus even though you know she was behind it.

"It was for the best."

"Quite frankly, I don't think you can speak on what's best for me or him. Especially him." You look at Yunho directly in the eye. "Are you both that determined to bring San down? Is that what this?" He furrows his brows.

"Reel it in, Y/N." He says, sternly. "Do you not understand how damaging this could be for both you and him? If anything, it was done to protect you both."

"What makes you think we weren't capable of doing so?" Yunho lets out a pathetic chuckle before he steps forward and leans towards your ear, a small smirk on his lips.

"I think snuggling up on campus and sneaking into his office is enough of a reason." He pulls back, licking his lips before dipping his hands into his pocket.

"And I think you need to learn how to mind your own business and let San handle his own." You scoff. "In any case, Yunho." You look him in the eye. "You and Iseul already ruined him from the beginning and you can't come to terms with it." You tilt your head to the side. "You both were never deserving of San, and that is sad. No wonder you two are miserable and are still keeping tabs on him." Yunho's mouth slightly drops, but he doesn't respond to your statement. "I'll help out with finals if needed. Otherwise, please consider my TA assignment with you done."

You almost run into Iseul as you stomp out of the classroom, leaving her to knit her brows at you in response.

"Nice talk." Iseul pops in, her husband biting his cheek.

"We should have never gotten involved with that, Iseul." He says lowly as he gathers his things together.

"Oh, so just let them—"

"That's exactly it, just let them be." He cuts her off and looks at her. "It didn't have to be us. We could've just let them be and let anyone else do the talking. Let them learn on their own." His jaw ticks.

"We did the right thing." She crosses her arms.

"Still doesn't change the fact that you're taking the opportunity to destroy San and running with it. It didn't have to be us." He repeats, slinging his bag onto his shoulder.

"Yunho." She says. "You're not actually taking Y/N seriously, are you? She's delusional if she thinks all of this is okay and would've slipped."

"Don't call her delusional, Iseul. You have no say in their relationship or what they're about. You had no right. They knew what they were getting into. You just lead them into the trap for your own benefit." Yunho scoffs. "You wanted to see this unfold, didn't you? You wanted this to unfold in a specific way."

"What is going on, Yunho?"

"We're not meddling in this anymore. If you're not ready to stop, count me out of it. I'm not doing this, I'm not picking at their business anymore." He grabs his things and takes the lead out of the room. Iseul scoffs and shakes her head, slowly trailing behind him.

As for you, you feel cold. You feel isolated. You feel empty. You walk out and find a hidden table behind the building and set yourself down to get yourself together. You let out a couple of breaths to ease your feelings, promising yourself you wouldn't cry over this anymore.

But, it hurts to hold it in.

It hurts.

You feel the dullness, the heavy ache, in the center of your chest, and it hurts.

You have to move on.

"Fuck." You sigh, hand over your chest to give it a few gentle rubs before you're back on your feet and checking the time. You need to see Professor Kim just like your promised.

Of course, as you're on your way to Professor Kim's office, you find San passing by with Yeosang and Jongho. His eyes land on you and you immediately break first, feeling the tears ready to well up in your eyes. He sees the way your head drops and how you turn away— he can't help but slightly turn over his shoulder to keep his eyes on you.

To lock eyes with you once more.

To feel.

But, it doesn't happen. And it fucks San up more than he expects because he doesn't know even know what Jongho and Yeosang are talking about anymore after that brief interception.

"Yo, you good?" Jongho taps his chest with a small chuckle, bringing San back to reality.

"Yeah. Sorry." He tries to play it off quickly but Jongho quickly turns over his shoulder to see you walking in the opposite direction.

"All good." He returns to San and gives his shoulder a small squeeze. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about." San gives him a toothless smile. "Anyway, did you guys figure out where we're going before we make laps around campus?" Yeosang and Jongho share a quick look before they follow behind San and pick the conversation back up to prevent any of San's sadness from creeping up.

Meanwhile, you continue your way to Professor Kim's office, wiping away the stragglers that manage to escape your eyes and streak your cheeks. You weren't gonna let this get to you, so you quickly try to brush it off and get yourself together especially when you walk down the hallway and into Professor Kim's office. He's in his chair, typing away on his computer— glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose.

"Hey Y/N, come sit and make yourself comfortable." He smiles at you and you return the gesture, sitting down on the chair posted in front of his desk.

"Thanks for meeting with me today, Professor Kim."

"No, thank you." He chuckles and finally shifts his full attention towards you. "How are you today?"

"Uh, could be better but not complaining."

"Yeah? How was class with Professor Jeong?"

"Hm, okay." You hum before shifting in your seat nervously.

"Just okay?" You nod. "Well, as long as there aren't any complaints or anything you wanna tell me." Namjoon knows you probably aren't having a great time in Yunho's class right now and he doesn't blame you.

"No." You force a smile. "Anyway, I see that I have to do my rotation presentation next week?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Y/N. You do understand why this is all happening, right?" You slowly nod. "I know you and San have been seeing each other, and I know he ended things the other day. I'm really sorry, but I just need to protect you both. Word is getting around fast and the dean isn't having it. I can't have him fire San, I can't have him kick you out of the grad program. Please just understand why things have to be this way. I just need it to settle."

"I do." You respond weakly before looking down at your hands. "I'm sorry for causing so much trouble, Professor Kim. I didn't mean— we didn't mean for this to blow up. I-I know we shouldn't have been so sloppy and reckless, and I'm sorry—"

"Hey, hey." He shakes his head with a sympathetic look. "No need to be sorry. I promise all is fine, and that's why I'm here to help and protect you both." You look at him with a sad nod, and you aren't sure why that's the tipping point for you but you suddenly start to break down in front of Professor Kim. He feels his heart breaks because he knows there wasn't any power play in this; he knows San as a person, and he's familiar with you as a student and the work you do. There was no way either of you used any power or position for your advantage. He knew this had been a genuine, real relationship— it's just truly unfortunate it had to unfold this way.

If word hadn't gotten around, maybe Namjoon wouldn't care at all.

But, he has to now, and that's what makes everything hard about his role.

"I promise everything is going to be okay." He says softly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—" Namjoon shakes his heas, watching the way you cry into your hands.

"Y/N, it's okay. You can let it out if you need to." He passes you the tissue box. "Can I ask you something? And be honest. I've already figured out your plan for school so you don't have to hold back." Namjoon says. "Do you care about him?" You nod as you continue to cry, the ache in your chest making it hard for you to breathe.

You miss San.

"But, it doesn't matter because he ended it. It's over with."

"He only did so because of my guidance, and I'm sorry about that. I told him this too, but it's not something I wanted to do. Trust me. As his friend, it's the first time I've seen him genuinely and truly happy. It's all I wanted after the things he's gone through. But, I just can't risk it right now. San is beginning to reach new heights with his career and getting more real estate to do things he's been wanting to do with Jongho. You're also just getting into the groove of things. I don't want either of your hard work to get snatched away over something like this."

"No, I know Professor Kim. I do understand and I'm grateful. It just sucks. I don't know how else we would've gotten away with it, I guess." You sniff. "Maybe it had to happen."

"Look, I told him this, too. But, I can't police every detail and tell you who you can and can't date. If San is someone you care about, then so be it, but the only thing I ask of you is to keep it off campus. I cannot have you two interacting on campus or else he's out. Not by my choice, but the committee."

"I don't want anything to happen to him."

"I know, and he said the same thing about you. He cares just as much, so don't think that he doesn't." You dab your face with the napkin and nod.

"Jiung confessed and told me he came to you about it." Namjoon nods.

"I think he was just worried as your friend. Rightfully so. But, I think he also shouldn't have jumped to those conclusions right away."

"I told him that."

"If I hadn't known San so well, I probably would've believed Jiung." He sighs. "It's alright, he didn't know and he was worried. Are you two okay?"

"Not really, but I think we just need time. I'm trying to see his side of things, but I also didn't think he'd do that so it caught me off guard."

"I see. Well. Give yourself some time and grace, okay? I'm sorry it had to be this way for now." You give him a tiny, toothless smile. Eyes still shiny and watery from the crying you've just done.

I'm sorry it had to be this way for now.

It repeats in your head over and over again because why does it feel like this is just how it's gonna be? Despite Namjoon reassuring you, despite San's explanation. Why does it just feel like a fleeting moment? A chapter in your book— a part that was never really supposed to last.

"Thank you." He gives you a smile.

"So, shifting to the program. I was thinking I could pull you into my lab and we can figure out things as time goes on? Explore other options if there's anything else you'd wanna explore." You nod. "You know there's other paths we can look into, or if you're totally fine with where you're at in my lab, then we can just stick with that plan."

"That sounds good. Thank you, Professor Kim."

"Unfortunately, like I mentioned, I can't have you interacting with Professor Choi. I'll have to make sure you don't take any of his classes or end up in any collaboration projects with him." You nod.

"Okay. I understand."

"You'll have to halt all your work in his lab immediately. You can grab your things when you feel ready to, but I'll have you in my lab starting next week. I know it'll be a bit crazy with your rotation presentation, but I promise to make it a smooth transition."

"Okay." You purse your lips. "I'm almost finished with my rotation presentation."

"That's great!"

"It'll just be us three?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. It's not the usual format but I need the dean to see all the good work you do."

"Thank you. I appreciate your support."

"Do you have any questions so far? Any other concerns?" You think for a second before shaking your head.

"No."

"I'll send you some onboarding info and give you the contacts to some key people in my lab to help you get started. We can figure out your project and goals in a little more depth next week. Let's aim for a Monday morning meeting? 9am?"

"Good with me."

"Thanks, Y/N. And please trust me when I say all is gonna be well."

"Thank you."

"See you next week? Be sure to keep an eye out for my emails." You nod as you stand and tuck your bag closely to you.

"I will." You give him another smile before heading out of the door. Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose and plops back down onto his chair, picking up his direct line to ring the dean's office phone. It rings for a few minutes before the dean is answering on the other end.

"Namjoon."

"Hey. Can we meet today to talk about what's been going on? I can be over in the next 15 minutes."

"I'm free, but I have a hard cut off in 45 minutes."

"That's plenty of time. I'll be there soon."

"See you." Joon hangs up and gathers his things, loosening his tie to get himself together for this meeting. He doesn't necessarily wanna do this, nor does he think he's ready for whatever the dean could unleash on him.

On you, on San.

But, he has a job to do and he'll make damn sure he gets his point across. He'll make damn sure he controls this well, and he'll make sure nothing happens to the both of you.

When he gets into the building and heads straight for the dean's office, he's greeted by the front desk and his executive assistant. The dean's assistant knocks on his door and pops her head in to give him a heads up about Namjoon's visit. It isn't long before she's gesturing for him to come into his office, stepping out and slowly shutting the door behind her once Namjoon's settled in the seat in front of him.

"Namjoon."

"Dean Louie." Namjoon clears his throat. "Can we discuss what's been going on? I've got a chance to review this more in depth."

"Great. So, tell me. What's with the anonymous tip? Is there truth behind San and his student's relationship?"

"No." The dean looks at him with his head cocked to the side. "Not at all."

"Namjoon. This isn't the time to play games."

"Who said I was?" Joon asks. "This is purely a rumor and there is nothing going on between the two of them. To keep things safe, I'll make sure they don't cross paths and interact on campus, and I'll make sure to work closely with her and keep her under my wing." Namjoon says.

"A rumor? That blew up around campus? What about Iseul and Yunho? Iseul told me about the happy hour event with San. All of this seems too good to be true, and if you're covering for them—" Namjoon cuts him off.

"Since when did Iseul and Yunho have their best interest in San? All I know is that they've always been the driving issue, not San." Namjoon looks at the dean confused. "I don't mean to be disrespectful, but a rumor is a rumor and I've gotten to the bottom of it. I talked to the both of them and they denied it through and through. The only reason why San got caught up in the whole happy hour business was because a postdoc was crossing the line and being really disrespectful to her. Any one of us would've done it had we caught it right away like San did." Namjoon continues to furrow his brows. "Now, please. I'd appreciate if we can move on." The dean sits back and lets out a hefty sigh.

"Go on."

"As stated in my email, she will do her rotation presentation in front of myself, you and San. After that, she will be removed from his lab and will be placed in mine. We'll have weekly check-ins, and I'll work with her to move her classes around and realign her priorities so that she and San don't cross paths in this program again."

"And what about this real estate in the building? I'm not going to give it over if this is what San plans to do—"

"I'm sorry, but this shouldn't define San and his work." Namjoon pauses. "He's not, alright? I already confirmed it was a rumor and there is nothing going on. No reason for you to pull back on that real estate deal especially when Jongho had nothing to do with this either and San has already explained his side and agreed to comply regardless. She'll be out of his lab." The dean gives Namjoon a stern look.

"You better make damn sure this doesn't happen again, Namjoon. No rumors, no slip ups. And you make sure those three stop causing trouble on campus. Iseul, Yunho and San. I don't care who did what and who is blaming who, I need this to stop. Now. We can't have childish, petty issues running amuck on this campus."

"You have my word."

"If I hear San and Y/N in the same sentence again, I can't promise it will be the same outcome."

"With all due respect, I need you to understand that whatever they do, whatever happens off campus, doesn't concern me and shouldn't concern you either. I cannot police their behavior and make them act a certain way off grounds. They are both grown, mature adults that can make decisions on their own, and you know that's unfair and very unrealistic." The dean doesn't say much. He mutters a few things under his breath before he's returning his attention to Namjoon.

"Not a damn word about them ever again, Namjoon. I mean it." The dean warns him again before settling into his seat and returning his attention to his desktop computer. Namjoon does a quick, silent bow before walking out, sighing loudly to himself as he's finally gotten that over with.

Still doesn't make it any easier knowing he had his friend make a very difficult decision that he did not wanna do.

He hopes in time, this could blow over and San could be happy again. Despite this hurdle, he's betting on it. On you and him.

Maybe when you come back together, circumstances will be different enough that it won't make the relationship seem as bad as it does right now.

"Shit." Namjoon clicks his teeth when he finally gets out of the building and breathes in the fresh air. He is exhausted, but his day isn't about to be over, no. On his way back to his office, he finds Yunho speaking to a few colleagues in the courtyard. He must have gotten out of a meeting and was walking his visitors out.

And Namjoon doesn't give a fuck. That visit is ending now.

"Professor Kim! It's an honor to see you in the flesh!" Namjoon smiles at his guests before returning the favor.

"Hi there." Namjoon does a curt bow. "Hope you've enjoyed your visit."

"Completely. We had a great collaboration meeting with Professor Jeong here, and he gave us a tour around."

"That's great, yeah." Namjoon smiles before looking at Yunho. "Can we talk in my office?" Namjoon says near Yunho's ear. "Now?"

"Sure." Yunho bids his last farewell before excusing himself and following Namjoon straight to his office. No words being spoken or shared. Namjoon shuts the door and sighs, looking at Yunho with his hand on his hip. "What's going on, Joon?"

"I'm just trying to understand why you and Iseul are trying so hard to ruin that man's reputation. The dean told me Iseul went over there to give him more of her little intel on San."

"I don't know what she said or did—"

"You still knew about it, didn't you?" Namjoon looks at him. "You knew this whole time Iseul was trying to raise hell about this and you let her."

"How is this not wrong?"

"No one said it wasn't wrong, Yunho!" Namjoon raises his tone. "There were just better ways to go about it than throwing San's name out there the way you two did. Just throwing him out there to the wolves without even knowing the full story. That's the problem!"

"I'm sorry, it doesn't seem like it now, but we were looking out for him and everyone else potentially involved."

"Except me. If you knew better, you both would've let me handle this accordingly. This doesn't just affect him, Yunho. It affects you both. It affects me. It affects Y/N, Jongho, everyone. Because you both didn't know how to be discreet about your plans to bring San down."

"It was never like that!"

"Then, what was it like? Tell me. As his colleague, as someone who acted purely for their own benefit, what was it like? As San's ex-bestfriend, what was it like?" Yunho doesn't respond. "This isn't high school, Yunho. I'm sorry, but the both of you need to grow up."

"We just tried to do the right thing and I don't take any of it back. If you fail to see that, then that's on you—"

"Oh, so approaching the dean to give him more talk in his ear with your so-called evidence before coming to me is doing the right thing?" Namjoon looks at him. "What was the goal here? What did this plan look like to you and Iseul?” He shakes his head. “No, actually, I don't wanna hear it, she already came into my office to talk my ear off about this. That should've been enough to let me handle it." Namjoon furrows his brows at him.

"We just thought we were helping everyone—"

"Helping? Yourself or Iseul?" Namjoon shakes his head. "You know what, this is done. The damage is done. So, thank you and Iseul for your generous help." Yunho sighs. "Now that you've done all the talking, it's my turn." Joon steps closer to him. "As long as I'm around, I'll continue to keep the peace in this department, and that means I don't want you and Iseul meddling in San's personal matters ever again." Namjoon's jaw ticks as he and Yunho stare at each other in the brief pause that falls between them. "I don't want you meddling in Y/N's personal matters, I don't want you two doing anything on this campus besides running your labs and minding your own goddamn business. Do you understand me?" Namjoon places his hands on his hips while he and Yunho maintain eye contact. Yunho swallows thickly before nodding, digging his hands in his pockets.

"Yes sir."

"The next time you and Iseul wanna act like I don't know how to do my job, I promise I'll be good with reminding you."

—read 14.5 here

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hollowed-theory-hall · 3 months ago

Note

hi!

we see harry’s anger truly manifest in ootp, and it was a treat reading your analysis on his ptsd!

but it’s been a longheld belief in the fandom that harry is this firecracker with concerningly poor anger management. which is absurd, frankly imo, because i understand his default style is quiet, intense intimidation, or sass and snark. except when his fury reaches the threshold of his control, and he lets go fully and spectacularly. we also see in the later books that harry keeps trying to rein in the onslaught of fury pouring from voldemort, and while he does channel that anger outwardly, he isn’t making a habit of frequently lashing out at the people around him.

what i’m really asking is, what are your thoughts on harry’s anger and how he manages his frustrations from age eleven to seventeen?

Hello 👋

Thank you! I love my boy Harry and his anger and trauma so much! His trauma doesn't manifest in the way most fandoms usually like to portray trauma, but I always loved how Harry breaks when he reaches his threshold. He's a fascinating character and I find myself disappointed in his treatment over the years in fanon.

As to your question, boy, okay, this is complex and is greatly affected by Harry's mental state. I mentioned here how his anger is often colder and sassier and the fiery anger that's all shouting and cursing is something we only really see from him in OotP and onwards and I believe is the result of trauma, as I mentioned here & here.

But I decided, you know what? I can take a few scenes of his anger from each book. It's something I have a lot of notes about, and I'm surprised I haven't written about it here yet since it's a subject I love talking about.

Now, I do think he has issues with emotional regulation in general. I mean, he was raised in a cupboard under the stairs, he is not emotionally well-adjusted even if he knows to appear as if he is. His anger and how it manifests is a result of years of trauma and abuse. Honestly, though, he manages his anger better than he could have considering his life experience.

So without further ado:

Philosopher's Stone:

In the first book, we see Harry angry at the Dursleys and their unfair treatment of him. This anger is interesting. He has every reason to be angry but it isn't just anger. It's his frustration and helplessness that he feels as anger because he lacks the tools to understand/deal with his emotions.

How we see this anger come out though, is mostly through sass. And even then he makes sure to run/duck away before they could hurt him:

“They stuff people’s heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall,” he told Harry. “Want to come upstairs and practice?” “No, thanks,” said Harry. “The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it — it might be sick.�� Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he’d said.

(PS, Ch3)

Harry doesn't really have the luxury to get angry or upset because he's the one who would suffer for it. So, he bottles up all his anger and frustration and only lets it out in cold glares and sass even when he's fuming inside. In his heart of hearts, he wishes he could do something to the Dursleys, to hurt them back, but he can't.

I do want to note that Harry's hold on his range isn't him managing it well, it's him bottling it up. This would be very relevant later in this post.

The incident with the Boa Constrictor is one I like. Harry later refers to it as revenge in a moment of anger:

and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn’t he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn’t he set a boa constrictor on him?

(PS, Ch4)

“Out of the way, you,” he said, punching Harry in the ribs. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened — one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror. Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor’s tank had vanished. The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits.

(PS, Ch2)

He's unaware that he's doing it, of course, but Harry's magic is powerful and incredibly attuned to him, so of course, it acts up when he's angry. Of course, his magic gets revenge on Dudley when Harry is so angry but feels helpless to do something with it. Harry's magic here shows Harry wishes he could do something, that he could take revenge:

Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much More) by Professor Vindictus Viridian. “I was trying to find out how to curse Dudley.”

(PS, Ch5)

He just can't. So he bottles up his anger instead.

The other person we see Harry angry at in the first book, is Snape. Harry responds to Snape quite similar to how he responds to the Dursleys:

“Thought you wouldn’t open a book before coming, eh, Potter?” Harry forced himself to keep looking straight into those cold eyes. He had looked through his books at the Dursleys’, but did Snape expect him to remember everything in One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi? Snape was still ignoring Hermione’s quivering hand. “What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?” At this, Hermione stood up, her hand stretching toward the dungeon ceiling. “I don’t know,” said Harry quietly. “I think Hermione does, though, why don’t you try her?” A few people laughed; Harry caught Seamus’s eye, and Seamus winked. Snape, however, was not pleased.

(PS, Ch8)

He gets angry, inside his head he is fuming, but outside his head, Snape hears a sassy retort said quietly and calmly. Even when Harry is angry he acts calm and quiet and looks like he's joking from Seamus' response. It's why it's so easy for Snape to believe Harry is like James. Harry doesn't show his anger. External he's quiet and sassy becouse he knows if he started shouting he'd be punished more (like at the Dursleys).

So, 11-year-old Harry is quiet outside when angry. Only really shows glares and sass when he's upset while bottling his feelings up. This would continue throughout the years until year 5, for the most part.

Chamber of Secrets:

We see more of this way of handling his anger in CoS (though way less). CoS is not a very angry book, but I found a few examples.

“I have not been visited yet. The name Malfoy still commands a certain respect, yet the Ministry grows ever more meddlesome. There are rumors about a new Muggle Protection Act — no doubt that flea-bitten, Muggleloving fool Arthur Weasley is behind it —” Harry felt a hot surge of anger.

(CoS, Ch4)

Harry is angry. He likes the Weasleys and hates hearing them being talked about like this. Still, no one else sees his anger because he's hiding, and he knows he'd be worse off if he left his hiding spot. Harry isn't all that impulsive (yet). He just swallows his anger down for the sake of what needs to be done — in this case hiding.

“Dobby is used to death threats, sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home.” He blew his nose on a corner of the filthy pillowcase he wore, looking so pathetic that Harry felt his anger ebb away in spite of himself. [...] Dobby mopped his bulging eyes and said suddenly, “Harry Potter must go home! Dobby thought his Bludger would be enough to make — ” “Your Bludger?” said Harry, anger rising once more. “What d’you mean, your Bludger? You made that Bludger try and kill me?”

(CoS, Ch10)

Here, we see more of Harry's usual anger and how he bottles everything up. He is rightfully angry at Dobby for everything he did, but he also feels pity for him, his anger doesn't cloud Harry's ability to empathize with others. And if you look at the second quote, you see that in his head Harry is rightfully angry at an attempt to murder him but he's talking calmly and quietly. He isn't shouting. He isn't being violent or impolite. Harry's anger, as seen by others, is cold and quiet because he bottles it up.

“And why did you want to meet me?” said Harry. Anger was coursing through him, and it was an effort to keep his voice steady.

(CoS, Ch17)

This is later, when facing Tom. Harry feels betrayed. He wanted so bad to be Tom's freind, he tried so much to ignore what was happening so he could keep his new BFF and first crush. But when he is betrayed, he gets angry, rightfully so, again. And we see he isn't shouting or acting angry and rashly. He's speaking steadily and quietly and makes an active effort to do so.

Harry knows how he comes off and is actively trying to make his voice steady and not sound angry/scared! He's smart and not impulsive. He's very aware of his external behavior and actively conceals his anger from appearing externally.

My boy is angry, but he isn't a brash hothead.

I do want to note another thing about Harry's anger. Harry responds with anger when he's scared, when he's grieving, when he feels helpless. Anger is just the easiest emotional response for him to go to, and it's why he reacts with anger to a lot of the things he goes through. Anger is an emotion he understands, so everything kinda feels like anger that he can keep pushing down.

Prisoner of Azkaban:

In PoA, we have a few interesting scenes showcasing Harry's anger really well. Some of the anger descriptions from this book are my favorite by far but we'll get to it.

This is the first book we start seeing Harry act out in anger. Until now, we saw Harry fuming inside but acting calm to the outside world. In PoA, he still mostly does that, but we start seeing him cracking under the weight of life. That bottle he's been filling up for years is close to it's threshold.

just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters. “COME BACK IN HERE!” he bellowed. “COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!” But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon. “She deserved it,” Harry said, breathing very fast. “She deserved what she got. You keep away from me.” He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door. “I’m going,” Harry said. “I’ve had enough.”

(PoA, Ch2)

This above has Harry acting rashly and impulsively in anger. He is ready to just up and go in a moment of rage with little to no forethought which isn't how Harry usually operates. Aunt Marge and Vernon just made him reach his tipping point. Some of that anger has spilled out and Harry's acting out because he doesn't know what else to do.

This is a kid who up to this point never even had the chance to grieve his dead parents properly. He never got to just sit there and feel any of what he's going through. He just keeps swallowing it down and here, we see him start to slip. What he's been pushing down is starting to become too much.

I will note that still, even when he is more brash and angry here, he isn't shouting. He's speaking calmly and evenly even as he's raging inside.

I also want to note the situation with Hermione over the Firebolt:

Professor McGonagall turned on her heel and carried the Firebolt out of the portrait hole, which closed behind her. Harry stood staring after her, the tin of High-Finish Polish still clutched in his hands. Ron, however, rounded on Hermione. “What did you go running to McGonagall for?” [...] Harry knew that Hermione had meant well, but that didn’t stop him from being angry with her. He had been the owner of the best broom in the world for a few short hours, and now, because of her interference, he didn’t know whether he would ever see it again. He was positive that there was nothing wrong with the Firebolt now, but what sort of state would it be in once it had been subjected to all sorts of anti-jinx tests? Ron was furious with Hermione too.

(PoA, Ch11-12)

Harry is mad at Hermione, he has his reasons to be, but he understands why she did it. He is angry, but he's smart and empathetic and he knows Hermione. He knows she only wants him safe, he's still mad, but he doesn't shout at her like Ron does. He pushes his anger down because he doesn't want to upset her. He;s not as furious as Ron is.

In the early books, we see Ron stepping forward to curse Malfoy, shout at Hermione, or stop talking to Harry over the tournament. Ron's the one that is more hot-headed in the early books and springs to act in moments of anger while Harry tends to stay cool-headed (because he pushes his anger down). He is angry inside his head, but he stays calm outside and even stops Ron from going after Malfoy (eat slugs incident, Harry tried to stop him).

(I will note this might have to do with Ron having siblings. Letting your emotions out is a good thing. It is a good thing to tell people you are close to you are upset with them. Arguing with your siblings and shouting at them on occasion can even be healthy! It can keep you from creating grudges and getting bitter. It's not necessarily bad. It's just that Harry and Hermione didn't have siblings and don't know how healthy arguments between people who love each other (which is what Ron is going for with Hermione above) work.)

One of my favorite moments of Harry's anger in the series is everything to do with Sirius when he thinks he's guilty:

A hatred such as he had never known before was coursing through Harry like poison. He could see Black laughing at him through the darkness

(PoA, Ch11)

A boiling hate erupted in Harry’s chest, leaving no place for fear. For the first time in his life, he wanted his wand back in his hand, not to defend himself, but to attack . . . to kill. [...] “NO YOU DON’T!” roared Harry, and he aimed a kick at Crookshanks that made the cat leap aside, spitting; Harry snatched up his wand and turned — “Get out of the way!” he shouted at Ron and Hermione. They didn’t need telling twice. [...] Black was sprawled at the bottom of the wall. His thin chest rose and fell rapidly as he watched Harry walking slowly nearer, his wand pointing straight at Black’s heart. “Going to kill me, Harry?” he whispered. Harry stopped right above him, his wand still pointing at Black’s chest, looking down at him. A livid bruise was rising around Black’s left eye and his nose was bleeding. “You killed my parents,” said Harry, his voice shaking slightly, but his wand hand quite steady.

(PoA, Ch17)

This is the first occurrence we see Harry in a true rage. The kind of anger that pushes him to act impulsively and violently. Harry actually screams in rage.

It's not unreasonable, he thinks Sirius betrayed his parents, these same parents Harry never really got the chance to mourn. But Harry doesn't really shout when angry, he's quiet in his anger usually. But here he actually roars out. He demands Ron and Hermione move from his way, he kicks Crookchanks and goes to kill Sirius. Harry is acting completely from anger without really thinking or realizing what he's doing. This is the kind of rage where you see red and don't really know what you're doing until you're doing it.

I love how he describes it: "coursing through Harry like poison". It's just such a visceral description for a very visceral emotion. This isn't Harry's usual anger, this is rage, this is beyond his usual anger. It's the type of anger most fans associate with him because of OotP. This uncontrolled rage that pushes him to be impulsive is a trauma response. It comes up when Harry is at an emotional low. When there's too much, when he feels to many things and he can't handle them all so he lashes out in anger.

In this case, Harry is facing the man he believes sold out his parents, who trusted him, of course, he's angry and betrayed. Of course, it's different from the anger he feels when Snape is being a dick. It is different. It's rage, and grief, and fear, and pain, and it's a cry for help.

Harry has an impressive capacity to bottle up his emotions, but from book 3, we see him teetering on the threshold. And it just gets worse from here (like his experiences in the books).

Goblet of Fire:

GoF is a rough year, and Harry is very angry throughout this year. Still, we see his usual "cold anger" not his rage. He's angry inside his head, we see it, but he doesn't act out on any of it, nor does he even say anything about it. He's bottling it all up. If we weren't reading his thoughts, we probably wouldn't have these gems of anger:

Harry’s ears were ringing. The injustice of it made him want to curse Snape into a thousand slimy pieces. He passed Snape, walked with Ron to the back of the dungeon, and slammed his bag down onto the table. Ron was shaking with anger too — for a moment, it felt as though everything was back to normal between them, but then Ron turned and sat down with Dean and Seamus instead, leaving Harry alone at his table. On the other side of the dungeon, Malfoy turned his back on Snape and pressed his badge, smirking. POTTER STINKS flashed once more across the room. Harry sat there staring at Snape as the lesson began, picturing horrific things happening to him. . . . If only he knew how to do the Cruciatus Curse . . . he’d have Snape flat on his back like that spider, jerking and twitching. . . .

(GoF, Ch18)

Harry felt oddly separate from everyone around him, whether they were wishing him good luck or hissing “We’ll have a box of tissues ready, Potter ” as he passed. It was a state of nervousness so advanced that he wondered whether he mightn’t just lose his head when they tried to lead him out to his dragon, and start trying to curse everyone in sight.

(GoF, Ch20)

Harry spends a good chunk of GoF wishing he could curse Snape, other students, and even Ron occasionally. He feels helpless and that makes him angry. But he doesn't actually curse anyone. He doesn't even sass Snape in the above example, he just glares.

But you'll notice, again, the way he handles his anger/other issues is not really about mastering the emotion and letting it go. No, Harry just holds that anger in. He never learned to let it go, so all the times, his anger came off as cold and chill to others; it's because Harry's keeping a lid on things. By GoF, Harry can barely keep the cap on:

From the moment the article had appeared, Harry had had to endure people — Slytherins, mainly — quoting it at him as he passed and making sneering comments. “Want a hanky, Potter, in case you start crying in Transfiguration?” “Since when have you been one of the top students in the school, Potter? Or is this a school you and Longbottom have set up together?” “Hey — Harry!” “Yeah, that’s right!” Harry found himself shouting as he wheeled around in the corridor, having had just about enough. “I’ve just been crying my eyes out over my dead mum, and I’m just off to do a bit more. . . .” “No — it was just — you dropped your quill.” It was Cho. Harry felt the color rising in his face.

(GoF, Ch19)

And so we get scenes like the above. Harry is walking around like a powder keg waiting to explode. He has been bottling his frustration and anger all his life, he comes off as chill not because he manages it well but because he hides it. He makes his voice steady and quiet because it's what he learned at the Dursleys, but it's not that the anger disappears, he holds onto all of it. That's why the worse the situation is, the worse Harry's anger is. He doesn't have the capacity to push it all down.

And this is why he occasionally starts blowing up in GoF. The more helpless and frustrated he is, the more his bottle is filled and he just can't handle it beyond a certain point.

Order of the Pheonix:

OotP is Harry at his angriest. If I wanted to copy all the qoutes from this book that show Harry's anger, I'd probably have to copy the whole book. As it is, I've hand-picked a few examples:

“SO YOU HAVEN’T BEEN IN THE MEETINGS, BIG DEAL! YOU’VE STILL BEEN HERE, HAVEN’T YOU? YOU’VE STILL BEEN TOGETHER! ME, I’VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS’ FOR A MONTH! AND I’VE HANDLED MORE THAN YOU TWO’VE EVER MANAGED AND DUMBLEDORE KNOWS IT — WHO SAVED THE SORCERER’S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?” Every bitter and resentful thought that Harry had had in the past month was pouring out of him; his frustration at the lack of news, the hurt that they had all been together without him, his fury at being followed and not told about it: All the feelings he was half-ashamed of finally burst their boundaries. Hedwig took fright at the noise and soared off on top of the wardrobe again; Pigwidgeon twittered in alarm and zoomed even faster around their heads. “WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR? WHO SAW HIM COME BACK? WHO HAD TO ESCAPE FROM HIM? ME!” [...] Harry was not sure his anger had abated yet; but his thirst for information was now overcoming his urge to keep shouting. He sank onto the bed opposite the others.

(OotP, Ch4)

There are two aspects I want to note about his anger here. Harry, as I mentioned above, even when he is mad at Ron and Hermione, he usually doesn't shout at them like this. This is Harry way past his threshold, traumatized with no idea how to handle any of the emotions he's feeling. Ron and Hermione are getting the brunt of that bottle exploding here.

And Harry has a good reason to be angry with them here, don't get me wrong. Harry usually has really good reasons to be angry. I'm just noting that he would have held back his anger if he wasn't in the worst emotional state we've seen from him up to this point. If he had the capacity in his bottle of emotions, Ron and Hermione wouldn't even know he was upset with them.

The other thing I want to bring up is the second section from the above quote. After Harry lets out a bit of the steam he's been building up for years by this point he swallows it down and caps it again because he wants information. He's still angry, he's still upset, but he holds his tongue to get information. He still doesn't feel free or capable of explaining why he's feeling what he's feeling. A lot of it isn't just anger at Ron and Hermione. It's everything. And he has no idea how to parse what he's feeling.

Like I mentioned in the past, Harry doesn't like showing weakness, he doesn't tend to act emotionally or rashly because he knows how people see it. But he isn't actually letting go of all that anger, he lets it build up:

“Harry?” said Hermione tentatively. “Well done,” said Harry, so heartily it did not sound like his voice at all, and still not looking at her. “Brilliant. Prefect. Great.” “Thanks,” said Hermione. “Erm — Harry — could I borrow Hedwig so I can tell Mum and Dad? They’ll be really pleased — I mean, prefect is something they can understand —” “Yeah, no problem,” said Harry, still in the horrible hearty voice that did not belong to him. “Take her!”

(OotP, Ch9)

And up.

He just keeps pushing his anger down. If Sirius hadn't noticed and told him that he and James weren't prefects either, Harry would've kept stewing in it. Because he wouldn't have told Ron and Hermione he was jealous because he doesn't really tell anyone shit. He just lets it build:

“Oh, shut up, the pair of you,” said Harry heavily, as Ron opened his mouth to argue back. Hermione and Ron both froze, looking angry and offended. “Can’t you give it a rest?” he said. “You’re always having a go at each other, it’s driving me mad.” And abandoning his shepherd’s pie, he swung his schoolbag back over his shoulder and left them sitting there. He walked up the marble staircase two steps at a time, past the many students hurrying toward lunch. The anger that had just flared so unexpectedly still blazed inside him, and the vision of Ron and Hermione’s shocked faces afforded him a sense of deep satisfaction. Serve them right, he thought. Why can’t they give it a rest? . . . Bickering all the time . . . It’s enough to drive anyone up the wall. . . .

(OotP, Ch12)

And keeps snapping at everyone becouse he doesn't have a handle on his emotions. He doesn't really process what he's gone through/going through and he's lashing out.

Harry's anger in OotP is the powder keg blowing. It's why he's more rash, more vocal, actually screaming at people in a way he hasn't before. It's why we see him lose control of himself in anger more than before:

Harry was not aware of releasing George, all he knew was that a second later both of them were sprinting at Malfoy. He had completely forgotten the fact that all the teachers were watching: All he wanted to do was cause Malfoy as much pain as possible. With no time to draw out his wand, he merely drew back the fist clutching the Snitch and sank it as hard as he could into Malfoy’s stomach — “Harry! HARRY! GEORGE! NO !” He could hear girls’ voices screaming, Malfoy yelling, George swearing, a whistle blowing, and the bellowing of the crowd around him, but he did not care, not until somebody in the vicinity yelled “IMPEDIMENTA!” and only when he was knocked over backward by the force of the spell did he abandon the attempt to punch every inch of Malfoy he could reach. . . .

(OotP, Ch19)

Because he reached his limit of how much he can bottle up and he has no healthy means of letting any of it out. The D.A. helped a little as a distraction, it helped him feel less helpless, but he only just addressed the traumatic experience he had in the graveyard by talking about it when more just kept getting piled up onto him.

“Harry — no!” cried Lupin, but Harry had already ripped his arm from Lupin’s slackened grip. “SHE KILLED SIRIUS!” bellowed Harry. “SHE KILLED HIM — I’LL KILL HER!”….. [...] Hatred rose in Harry such as he had never known before. He flung himself out from behind the fountain and bellowed “Crucio!” Bellatrix screamed. The spell had knocked her off her feet, but she did not writhe and shriek with pain as Neville had — she was already on her feet again, breathless, no longer laughing. [...] “Never used an Unforgivable Curse before, have you, boy?” she yelled. She had abandoned her baby voice now. “You need to mean them, Potter! You need to really want to cause pain — to enjoy it — righteous anger won’t hurt me for long — I’ll show you how it is done, shall I? I’ll give you a lesson —”

(OotP, Ch36)

Running after Bellatrix was an impulsive decision. It's that same rage that overtook Harry to kick Crokshanks and try to kill Sirius. It's that seeing red sort of rage that encompasses everything. Grief overflowing Harry's emotional bottle and all he knows how to react with — is anger.

Harry, as I mentioned in the past, doesn't cry in front of others. He doesn't let himself. and the emotions gotta get out somehow. For Harry, that somehow is anger.

Half-Blood Prince:

After Sirius' death, Harry is much rawer. He basically starts this book beyond his threshold.

“If there’s anyone else here who’s not from Gryffindor,” roared Harry, who was starting to get seriously annoyed, “leave now, please!”

(HBP, Ch11)

So he gets annoyed more easily. He lashes out and shouts more often. He tries to physically attack more often too:

“Another ten points from Gryffindor,” said Snape. “I would expect nothing more sophisticated from you, Ronald Weasley, the boy so solid he cannot Apparate half an inch across a room.” “No!” whispered Hermione, grabbing Harry’s arm as he opened his mouth furiously. “There’s no point, you’ll just end up in detention again, leave it!”

(HBP, Ch21)

Something he didn't do up until OotP and even then rarely. Harry is hot-headed not because he's easy to anger (again, his capacity for bottling up is impressive if he just seriously started lashing out in GoF), most of his grievances are reasonable, he's hot-headed becouse he's suffering and has no idea how to handle it.

“Just now!” said Harry, who was refraining from yelling with enormous difficulty. And then, suddenly, he could not stop himself. “AND YOU LET HIM TEACH HERE AND HE TOLD VOLDEMORT TO GO AFTER MY MUM AND DAD!” Breathing hard as though he was fighting, Harry turned away from Dumbledore, who still had not moved a muscle, and paced up and down the study, rubbing his knuckles in his hand and exercising every last bit of restraint to prevent himself knocking things over. He wanted to rage and storm at Dumbledore, but he also wanted to go with him to try and destroy the Horcrux; he wanted to tell him that he was a foolish old man for trusting Snape, but he was terrified that Dumbledore would not take him along unless he mastered his anger. ... “Harry,” said Dumbledore quietly. “Please listen to me.”

(HBP, Ch25)

Again, he snaps and shouts way more than before. And he knows he shouldn't, he knows it comes off bad and people take him less seriously when he's angry and lashing out, but he can't help it as much since he still hasn't started letting go. He's still at his threshold all throughout HBP.

It's why we see him react the way he does after Snape kills Dumbledore, too. He was so angry all year. Since Sirius died, he's been running on fumes. The keg already blew in fifth year, and it didn't help him at all while he's barely holding himself together (but no one else sees this). And then, he had more pushed onto him after he already had less than zero capacity to deal with things.

Deathly Hallows:

Much of the anger we see from Harry in this book is due to either the locket or the Horcrux in him, but I'm not counting that sort of anger. I want to focus on Harry's anger.

The grief that had possessed him since Dumbledore’s death felt different now. The accusations he had heard from Muriel at the wedding seemed to have nested in his brain like diseased things, infecting his memories of the wizard he had idolized. Could Dumbledore have let such things happen? Had he been like Dudley, content to watch neglect and abuse as long as it did not affect him? Could he have turned his back on a sister who was being imprisoned and hidden? Harry thought of Godric’s Hollow, of graves Dumbledore had never mentioned there; he thought of mysterious objects left without explanation in Dumbledore’s will, and resentment swelled in the darkness. Why hadn’t Dumbledore told him? Why hadn’t he explained? Had Dumbledore actually cared about Harry at all? Or had Harry been nothing more than a tool to be polished and honed, but not trusted, never confided in? Harry could not stand lying there with nothing but bitter thoughts for company. Desperate for something to do, for distraction, he slipped out of his sleeping bag, picked up his wand, and crept out of the room.

(DH, Ch10)

Harry's feelings of grief over Dumbledore are interwind with betrayal, helplessness, and feeling lost in general, and he feels all of it as anger. As I mentioned above, anger is Harry's go-to emotion when he's grieving, when he's in pain, when he feels too much and has no idea what to do with any of it — it lands him in anger.

It's a big part of why he reads as so angry with Dumbledore throughout the book. He has complicated feelings about the man, feelings he has no idea how to even start to unpack, so he feels angry.

In DH too, we see him more easily agitated than in the first 4 books. Harry is way past his limit in this book, but he tries so hard not to show it. To keep that lid on (nevermind that it exploded two years ago).

“I’d never have believed this,” Harry said. “The man who taught me to fight dementors—a coward.” Lupin drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own; there was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backward as if punched; as he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed the tail of Lupin’s cloak disappearing around the door. “Remus, Remus, come back!” Hermione cried, but Lupin did not respond. A moment later they heard the front door slam. “Harry!” wailed Hermione. “How could you?” “It was easy,” said Harry. He stood up; he could feel a lump swelling where his head had hit the wall. He was still so full of anger he was shaking. “Don’t look at me like that!” he snapped at Hermione. “Don’t you start on her!” snarked Ron. “No—no—we mustn’t fight!” said Hermione, launching herself between them.

(DH, Ch11)

He's shaking from anger. His voice is calm and quiet like his usual response for hiding his anger, but he can't fully hide it. His body gives him away becouse he feels so much of it.

Harry was 100% right to call Lupin out, but I think the ruler way he did it was because he's suffering. He's in emotional turmoil, and twisting his words like a knife, in a way he knew would hurt Lupin, made him feel a little better. It let him take some of that anger out. It is a form of lashing out.

Him snapping at Hermione after and being ready to fist fight Ron is an extension of this lashing out. Harry, when at his limit, lashes out in anger becouse it's all he really knows how.

(He needs a better grieving method. He needs a fucking hug and for someone to tell him he's allowed to cry. He needs a good cry. I think it's why he's calmer after going to Godric's Hallow. He cried a little, grieved his parents, truly, for the first time in his life, and it helped him let some of his pain out in a healthier way)

“It’s not a case of what you’ll permit, Minerva McGonagall. You time’s over. It’s us what’s in charge here now, and you’ll back me up or you’ll pay the price.” And he spat in her face. Harry pulled the Cloak off himself, raised his wand, and said, “You shouldn’t have done that.” As Amycus spun around, Harry shouted, “Crucio!” The Death Eater was lifted off his feet. He writhed through the air like a drowning man, thrashing and howling in pain, and then, with a crunch and a shattering of glass, he smashed into the front of a bookcase and crumpled, insensible, to the floor. “I see what Bellatrix meant,” said Harry, the blood thundering through his brain, “you need to really mean it.”

(DH, Ch30)

Still, things just keep getting added onto his plate. How I see Harry's anger is why I don't think the above scene is out of character for him. His anger fueling the curse isn't just about Amycus spiting at McGonagall. It's about how they tortured Neville, Ginny, and Luna. About his year on the run. About Dobby's death. About him being forced into a position he feels he wants ready for and has no idea what to do. This is years of feeling angry and helpless coming to ahead.

Amycus didn't suffer just for that one crime of his. Spitting on McGonagall just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

To Summerise:

Harry isn't really good at managing his anger, or any other emotion really. He bottles it all up. His frustration, fear, grief, anger, helplessness, and pain all go together into Harry's little box of feelings so he can do whatever he needs to do and appear calm and quiet. It's why we see Harry fuming and boiling with rage inside his head while he's externally calm and cold and composed.

This lid he keeps on everything starts breaking as the emotions keep getting bottled up and he keeps not really processing them. So in GoF Harry is teetering on his very impressive threshold and then, after the graveyard, he breaks.

He suffered so much all at once and then was left alone to stew at the Dursleys for a whole month, suffering from nightmares and having no idea how to process any of what he's been through. Of course, he fucking breaks in OotP.

And when Harry breaks, all these emotions he kept down come out as anger. The reason he reacts so dramatically to smaller offenses post-OotP isn't that he's easy to anger, he really isn't. It's just that he has accumulated pain and grief from 14 years of trauma and abuse that are just now being let out in the form of Harry angrily lashing out.

So, I wouldn't say his anger management is amazing, but his problem isn't really the anger itself, it's emotional regulation in general. He needs to learn to deal with his emotions instead of bottling them up. If he does, he probably won't have any issues with anger management and would just sass his way through life.

#harry potter #hp #hp meta #asks #anonymous #hollowedtheory #harry james potter #harry potter meta #my best boy hjp #character analysis #hp thoughts

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lostinlovingrevery · 2 months ago

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Logan In Love

Yknow, I'm very torn with writing Logan being in love. On one hand, I feel like Logan would have a hard time accepting and being in love, I feel like he would be so hard- so used to being alone. The moment someone (you) would come along, stirring up those feelings he thought were honestly dead, he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Maybe he'd lash out, maybe he'd pull away, telling himself it was for your own good to not be around some like him. (and maybe he's protecting himself too in what he believes would be inevitable heartbreak)

BUT

Then I think, Logan has been around, lived long enough to be sure of his feelings, to not beat around the bush when it comes to dealing with things and Logan is very good at dealing with things. He's always been straight forward in his goals, his feelings. If he thought something was stupid, he'd say it. (I'm sorry I still can't help but giggle when I hear him call Xavier "Wheels" bc of the superhero names) For example, how he feels for Jean (think the X movies), he wasted no time in flirting with her, and honestly if Jean had any interest in him (Fuck you Jean Logan IS a good guy and he's the goodest and sweetest boy ever) and her and Scott weren't a thing, how quickly do you think they would have been together? bc Logan didn't seem to have many qualms about them being together at all and by the third movie (I mean, the time span isn't really that long, what, the three movies stretch 6 months to a year maybe? If even that? Honestly they felt like an extremely bad 3 weeks the gang had), he confessed he loved her (then had to kill her oop)

So maybe, when you come around (lets say your own special timeline, not the x movies or whatever) and you and Logan meet for the first time, Logan knew someone was it for him when he saw you. Something about you drew him in, the same way animals seem to know they met their mate. There was no doubt he liked you on a physical and emotional level, and soon after building something of a friendship with you- he knew he loved you. In something like the X-men, you build trust with each other, from having to live together, to dangerous missions, it was going to happen. What you and Logan gained together though, was something much more than trust and friendship.

Logan was sure of his feelings. His past, the fact that he had been roaming for the last 10-15 years alone, didn't matter in this equation. He knew what he felt and goddamn he was going to hold onto you and never let you go because you had become the best thing hes ever gotten in his life, especially after he gains his 200 years of memory back- he becomes even more sure in his decision that you weren't going to leave the adamantium grip he has on you (I mean, really, good luck getting out of that. Not that you would want too). He would protect you and keep you safe. He knew he could make you happy, and give you anything you ever wanted because honestly that's all Logan wants himself.

Logan was extremely observant, and he learned your quirks, your flaws, and all the sweet things he'd pick up over time. Maybe you thought he was just flirting with you, being Logan and everything, but no. Logan was dead serious about you, and he would wait for you to notice-and when you begin to notice that no other lady would turn his head, even the other ladies of the team, beautiful and strong that would turn the head of any man didn't have an effect on him. His eyes was always on you when you were in the same room. He always checked on you, concerned if you seemed tired, upset, angry, trying to get you to open up to him because it's not just him knowing how he feels about you but he desperately wants you to feel the same for him, to feel close to him the way he feels to you.

Maybe Logan does worry if he's right for you. Maybe he doesn't consider himself a good guy. With the things he's done, how could he be, surely he isn't? Its the X-men, and YOU, mainly you honestly, that makes him think that maybe he could be the good guy. Maybe he can make up for the mistakes he's made in his long life. Maybe, his sins don't matter because now he's in love, he'd found someone he wants to be better for, and no longer does he feel the need to let that weight sit on his shoulders because you were there and you made his world feel less bleak and hopeless. (Remember when he tells Jean "I could be the good guy" in that cute little way? the way he was desperate for her approval....I STILL HATE YOU FOR BEING MEAN TO HIM JEAN (okay but maybe logan should have backed off a woman that WAS taken and said no...gotta love me a stubborn man I suppose...)

It wasn't until a particularly dangerous mission that he finally breaks down, he's checking on you and you just can't handle it right now, trying to get him to just let you rest but he so desperately needs you, and needs you to be okay that he grabs you and kisses you. (Think of him and Jean in X2. He's just desperate for you.) He needs you to see how he feels about you before it becomes too late. It took you by surprise and took you a minute to even register what just happened but you kissed him back. He tells you he loves you, he's in love with you and he needs you. Things get heated after that, and afterwards you ask him when he began to feel this way for you, in which he'd teasingly say

"You got your heads in the cloud sweetheart. I've loved you the moment I met you."

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theyanderespecialist · 2 months ago

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Understanding (Headcanons) Yandere Lucifer X Gender Neutral Autistic Reader (Hazbin Hotel)

[Hello, My Sexy Muffins! This one is with an autistic reader. It will also be made into a video, so watch for that! Here are some autistic traits that will be shown in this post! Stimming with walking in circles and or pacing when getting into a song (I pace whenever I get into a song) Not understanding social cues

needs noise-canceling headphones when in crowds or large groups.

being very clingy once they get used to someone they like a lot

honest and blunt to a fault where they do not even realize they might be hurting their partners or friends or person's feelings. (Lack of tack)

slight naivety in which they do not realize people take advantage of them to get close to Lucifer

Also, the one I added is a special interest in plushies (Lucifer is going to give so many plush ducks) Difficulty making friends due to social skills issues and not good at social skills met friends online.

(Disclaimer: Lucifer Morningstar from Hazbin Hotel is not Yandere in canon! This is just for fun and not to be taken seriously at all! Simping for fictional characters and yanderes is fine! Just do not be illegal or gross about it! You know who you are! You Dirty, Flaky, Biscuits! Yanderes are not ideal partners to have in real life! Also, remember to separate fiction from reality and headcanon from canon! Thank you!

Disclaimer: Yes I do not know that not all people on the autistic spectrum act the same. This is from what I asked on my community page what you all wanted to see! That is why these traits and such were chosen! Pleas enjoy this!) Enjoy this chapter!] -Yandere Headcanons With Yandere Lucifer Morningstar X Gender Neutral Autistic Reader-

.Lucifer Morningstar appears like he could be on the spectrum of Autism as well. (But that has not been made to be Canon yet if at all) Although he does have a very large special interest in rubber ducks and does appear to be socially awkward.

.He fell for you hard, having met you online as he was not leaving his home and you were the type to struggle to make friends in person.

.You both hit it off and got really close together and one day did meet up.

.He saw you in person and he knew what you looked like but your photos did not do you justice.

.To him you were the most beautiful person and his heart, body, mind, and soul were captured by your beauty.

.He is awkward around you but very very excited to do things with you.

.He wants to be who you need so he does go a bit over the top sometimes to impress you.

.He is an angel after all and there is nothing better than pure angelic power!

.He does understand that you are on the spectrum and he is willing to work with you on those things.

.Such as him buying you noise-canceling headphones for when you are in large groups or crowds.

.When he is with you in those crowds he is like a guard dog that will scare away anyone that tries to get too close to you. .He has even made a place(s) for you in his home for you to have space to pace and or walk in circles when you are stemming.

.He noticed that you do not understand social cues are are very honest.

.He becomes protective of you because of this because you tend to make people upset by being honest with them, so much that you are blunt and it makes the person angry at you.

.He is the one to very much save you from danger time and time again.

.Once he does get close to you and you are close to him he notices that you become very clingy to him and OH MY SATAN! He loves it! .He loves how you are clingy to him and does not want him to leave you, even though you two are not together right away.

.You are very likely to accept his love though and start being in a relationship with him.

.This does come you being blunt with him.

.Being honest when he does upset you and how some of his yandere tendencies do bug you and make you upset.

.He would monitor the other friends you have in hell, being honest with you when he thinks you have friends that are using you.

.He hates when anyone uses you, even if it is to get to him. He would find out the people using you in any way shape or form and erase them from the face of this hell.

.He is the type of yandere that would shower you in his special interest of rubber duckies but also that he would shower your in your special interest (For example if it was cats he would get you so many pet cats and also get you so many cat-themed items)

.Luficer I this is the type of partner and yandere that would shower you in gifts in general.

.He would even make rubber duckies to match him and you and make them kiss! Such as: "(Your name) you may now kiss your husband the king of hell Lucifer Morningstar" Then he makes the duckie versions of you and him kissing. .He is the type to be The jealous type as well, such as if someone were to try and move in on you. He would do a whole song and dance to try and outdo them. .No one in all of hell, earth, or heaven was good enough for you.

.He is the type to try and keep you safe as you are very naive and do not know when people take advantage of you.

.Not just with using you to get close to him, but trying to scam you, or use you for free labor, or anything else really.

.He is your protector because he is a protective yandere.

.He would not want anyone to ever use or take advantage of you, you are too sweet of a demon for that!

.He is the type to go into a wrathful rage when he sees someone lay their hands on you or try and steal you away from him.

.He also would not want to share you with anyone, even with your friends or family.

.Although he does his best to endear himself to your family because one day his going to make you his spouse and co-ruler.

.He is also a very clingy yandere and would be the type to cling to you and do everything he can to make sure that you never leave him.

.When you two are together oh boy does he spoil you so so much.

.He wants you to feel like the royal person you are and wants to give you the world.

.He would also want his daughter Charlie to get along with you as you would be her new step-parent.

.So getting his daughter to accept you as her new step-parent and such would be one of the things on the top of his list.

.He is a very dotting yandere that would take care of all your needs and be everything that you need so that you would never want or crave for anyone else.

.He feels that if he is not good enough for you, you will look for someone else and leave him.

.He cannot stand for that so he would always strive to be everything that you need.

.He would if he got super paranoid try and isolate you from friends and family.

.He is not doing it to be mean, he just worries he will lose you!

.With your autism he is very patient and understanding of you.

.He does everything as well to continue to learn about it so he can keep getting better for you.

.He would never want you to feel that your boyfriend and future husband did not understand how you felt. Or did not try.

.He is one of the best yandere to understand and continue to learn how to have a darling who is on the spectrum.

.You two goofballs end up being very very good for each other.

[YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS another chapter done! I hope you all enjoyed this and stay sexy, all of my sexy muffins!]

#yandere #yandere headcanons #headcanons #hazbin hotel #yandere lucifer morningstar #yandere hazbin hotel #hazbin lucifer #reader #autistic reader #gender neutral reader #lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar x reader

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fatgirlonadate-blog · 5 months ago

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21 Days - Day 3

Annoying. Everything about today is annoying. The sun is shining too brightly, the birds are singing too loudly, and your apartment is too damn small. You thought going on a walk might help—clear your mind, stretch your legs, exist in nature, all that good stuff. But all you've managed to accomplish is being annoyed outside rather than inside.

Leaves crunch beneath your feet on the sidewalk as you make your way back toward the house. There's really nothing to see out here. Sure, it's beautiful. The trees are a bright collage of red, orange, and yellow, and the small town has a certain charm to it. It's a breath of fresh air compared to the bustling streets and skyscrapers of Linkon. You'd like to enjoy the scenery and the cool autumn breeze, but all of it is lost on you.

There's a reason for your bad mood, but you don’t want to admit it. You've tried to deny it, avoid it, distract yourself, and pretend it doesn’t exist. But you know why you're upset. It's because of a certain someone with sky-blue eyes and a name that rhymes with savior.

Last night, you'd crawled into bed early and read Moments' posts until you fell asleep. You woke up shortly after to the feel of warmth against your back and one of Xavier's strong arms wrapping around your waist, pulling you tighter against him. He nuzzled your neck, his lips ghosting past your pulse point, and mumbled something unintelligible before falling back asleep.

It's unclear if he did it in his sleep or on purpose, and you're not sure you even want to know. The feel of his warm breath against your neck and the way his fingers stroked the soft skin below your belly button is burned into your memory.

But this morning, when you'd woken up, Xavier was already gone, and the spot where he had been was cold. That alone wasn’t enough to upset you. It was the fact that, once you'd gotten dressed for the day, you realized he wasn't even in the apartment. No call, no text, no note on the fridge. He was just gone.

It shouldn't bother you. You're certainly not his keeper. You've been his neighbor for months and have gone days at a time without seeing him or knowing where he was. Hell, you didn't even know he lived in your apartment building until recently. But this feels different. Shouldn't a fake husband let his fake wife know when he's going to be gone for hours? And shouldn't a fake husband stay in bed and wait for his fake wife to wake up in the morning after cuddling her all night? Even your delusional thoughts are pouting.

You shove your hands deep into your jacket pockets as you turn down your street and head toward the house. You're not sure why you've let yourself get into this mess. You know better than to develop feelings for anyone; no one ever feels the same way about you. Out of the four men in your life, only one seems interested. And, even with him, you're not quite sure if Sylus wants to win your heart or cut it out of your chest.

He's also not Xavier.

You reach the front door of the apartment in what seems like record time. You thought you'd taken a long route, but apparently, it wasn’t long enough. You fish the keys from your jacket pocket and swing the door open with more force than necessary, slamming it shut behind you.

Xavier is sitting at the dining table, casually eating cherries from a bowl as if you haven’t been worried about him all day. He looks up at you with sleepy eyes and a soft smile on his face. "Hey, welcome home. Would you like anything to eat?"

"Where have you been?" you demand, ignoring his fake husband questions. You mean for your tone to sound angry, but instead, it just sounds whiny and petulant.

Xavier raises a pale eyebrow at you but doesn't otherwise react. He pops another cherry in his mouth. "I went to the store. We didn’t have a lot of groceries. I had to guess at your favorite snacks. You like chips, right?"

You stand in the doorway and stare at him for a long moment. He's infuriating. How does he not understand what you're actually asking?

"Why didn’t you tell me you were going to the store today?"

Xavier cocks his head to the side, studying you for a moment like he's choosing his words carefully. "I didn’t think you'd care. But I'll tell you before I leave next time."

You nod and finally take off your jacket and shoes. "Good. You should. We're on a mission, and we don’t know the neighborhood. What if something happened to you?"

Xavier furrows his brow. "What could happen?"

You sit down at the table across from him and snag a cherry from the bowl. "I don’t know. What if you got hit by a car? Or attacked by wanderers? I wouldn’t have even known where you were."

"You were worried about me," Xavier says, and the smile tugging at the corner of his lips seems to brighten the whole room.

"I was not worried!" You start to argue but then give up with an exaggerated sigh at the look on his face. "Fine, maybe a little."

"Maybe a little," he echoes quietly, leaning forward to catch your eyes with his. "I promise that next time, I'll text you."

"Thank you," you say, popping another cherry into your mouth.

You snack in comfortable silence. It’s nice, actually. You've never felt the need to babble or fill the silence with him. It's easy to just exist together.

"Oh," Xavier says, looking toward the kitchen as if he's just remembered something. "I got something for you. Close your eyes."

You look at him curiously, feeling excited despite not knowing what it could be. "You did? What is it?"

"Hold on."

He slides his chair back from the table to stand up, and walks into the kitchen. He disappears around the corner and you hear the sound of something rustling. "Eyes closed?"

"Yes!" you call out, closing your eyes obediently.

Xavier’s soft footsteps come closer until he stops in front of you. His hand encircles your wrist and pulls it away from your lap, and you feel him press an object into your hand. He uses his other hand to close your fingers around it. It’s slim, smooth, and cool to the touch.

"Open."

You open your eyes and are met with a flash of blue and white before you're able to focus on what you're holding. Flowers—a bouquet of small blue and white flowers tied with a simple silk ribbon.

"Oh," you breathe out in surprise. "Are these wildflowers?"

Xavier shakes his head. "No, they're forget-me-nots."

Forget-me-nots. You hold the flowers up to admire them. They're beautiful—simple but beautiful. You've heard the name, but you’re not sure you've ever actually seen forget-me-nots before. They’re far less common than roses.

"Thank you," you murmur, still looking at the flowers. "You got me flowers?"

Xavier nods and drops his hands from yours, stuffing them in his pockets. "Yeah, they made me think of you."

You glance up at him, surprised to see a faint flush on his cheeks. He looks so shy and sweet that your heart does a funny little skip in your chest. This man. This man is going to be the death of you.

"Why these ones specifically?" you ask, hoping not to sound ungrateful but curious to know. You suppose he didn’t get roses because they’re too romantic. But you've never even seen a bouquet of this type of flower before. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing someone just buys on a whim.

His blush creeps up to his ears, and he rubs the back of his neck, no longer meeting your eyes. "Well, they’re forget-me-nots."

"Yes..." You agree, drawing the word out. He had already said that.

"They’re forget-me-nots," he repeats, gesturing at them with one of his hands. "You give them as a promise to never forget someone, and when you look at them, you’ll be reminded of who gave them to you."

Your mouth forms a silent "o," and you glance down at the small flowers with new eyes. He bought them because of their meaning. He wants you to always remember each other, to never forget.

Without thinking, you set the flowers down on the table and stand up, throwing your arms around his neck in a hug. He stumbles back a step in surprise, his hands going automatically to your waist to steady you. After a moment, you feel the shyness leave his posture as he wraps his arms around you.

"Silly boy," you say quietly against his shoulder, "You know I could never forget you. No matter what."

He exhales harshly near your ear, hugging you even tighter in response. You feel the press of his lips against your temple. When he speaks, his voice is low and more vulnerable than you've ever heard it before. "Promise?"

"I'll always remember you," you promise him.

As you pull away, you can’t help but notice an almost sad look in his eyes. It’s a strange expression for the happiness of the moment, but you're familiar with it. You’ve seen that look on his face a dozen times over the last few months. There’s a secret in it, you think—one he's not going to tell you and that you'll likely never understand. ___________________ Do not fear, the spice is on the way!

#lads fanfic #love and deepspace #lads x reader #lnds #lads xavier #lads x you #lads x mc #xavier x reader

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fankitcanuwo · 11 days ago

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What are your thoughts on boss, as a character?

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BOSS AS A CHARACTER

SPOILERS FOR "CHARLIE IN UNDERWORLD" BELOW AS I GO ON MY TANGENT

Edit: I wrote like a whole A$$ essay under here so uh- just be warned 😭 sorry for the long answer @leahisnowlosinghersanityx ! Can I call you Leah? (Mainly a joke since your user is long haha ^^')

(I really love silly ghosts okay?)

(I'm a little rusty in the story, and I am replaying ciu recently, but I haven't gotten past the second(?) Chapter yet, so please forgive me and correct me on any mistakes I might make ^^')

OK, so. Boss to me isn't a bad guy, so to say. He has flaws and makes PLENTY of mistakes throughout the series.

In Underworld office, Eugene first meets Boss when he saves his life. At first he seems cold and distant. But my first impression of him when I was playing the game (for the first time) was that there was something deeper going on behind his defensive walls.

And as the chapters went by, it proved true for me when I saw how soft he got around the other's and Eugene. He even got angry for River's safety and Eugene (unintentionally) putting her in danger. He does care for the people of the underworld office, and he will continue to do so, even after the end of the second game.

Over the course of the first game, I became VERY fond of Boss, especially with his arcs with the others. (Like Eugene being a surrogate son to him, and the relationships between his friends)

As for the deeper parts of his character, over all, I believe that Boss is a deeply troubled character who has a deep sense of self loathing.

In the monster Eugene ending, he describes that Eugene, angry and wanting to lash out with vengeance, reminds him of himself, and tells Eugene there might be hope for him still, taking him into the team with the others, though all of them are pretty upset in ANY ending that Eugene is no longer mortal.

Boss does not see himself in a positive light. Or at least, not often. And it shows here, as well in a lot of other places too! Especially if you know where to look.

In "Charlie in underworld", we get more knowledge and insight into boss's life before he was a ghost.

(Again, I'm rusty on the lore, so please correct me if I'm wrong)

Boss, back then, didn't veiw himself in a positive way either.

When Boss's "friend" (I put friend in quotation marks because I don't think Boss considered him a friend, even if the man was trying to be his friend) was recently married. He brings up the wedding to boss, either why he didn't attend or other reasons, I can't remember.

Boss seems bitter about the fact that he himself can't seem to find a single person who would be interested in him. The man feels bad, and I don't remember much of the conversation, but I believe that Boss was bitter about this, which is why he was so closed off.

While we didn't get a true name for Boss, i believe he was reffered to as a shaman of sorts, which is also interesting.

Throughout the flashbacks, We see that for the majority of his life, if not all of it, Boss has been pressured by tradition (I think) and family, the weight of which is always on his shoulders. If I remember correctly, his family in specific protected a ancient area in which was one of the MANY gateways between the afterlife and the mortal realm.

I believe that his mother shamed and disgraced him for being unable to find anyone to marry, or to get a wife, to which I think (correct me if I'm wrong) BOSS APOLOGIZES FOR. (Which ticks me off- but it's fine)

he is tasked to protect the cave alone for the rest of his life I believe- but I also think there was more to this.

I probably missed this, but apparently (again, correct me if I'm wrong, i cant remember this well) Boss encountered a man/ghost during his time in the military (which also probably changed him) and promised that he would try his best to bring his son's spirit to rest or something.

Boss died in the cave he was protecting, and he kept protecting the area (or maybe other areas like it) even after his life was over.

After he shares his memories with Eugene and Charlie, I believe he explains himself more, which brings to light that he still blames and faults himself for everything in his life. To which, as Charlie, we have the option to call out that all of that is BS and it wasn't his fault thst so many things went wrong in his lifetime, but also calls him out on his selfish actions. Which I agree with strongly-

OKAY- now that I'm done with the boss biography, I'll actually start getting to my point. (Sorry guys)

Boss kept the ghosts of the underworld office around mostly because he was lonely. He was desperate for company and companions, and so he selfishly kept them from their own journey in the afterlife so he could continue doing his job with company. Even going so far as to essentially hold River hostage by keeping her keepsake away from her.

By no means are these actions excusable, what he did WAS terrible. But in the end, he did regret it, the entire time. He had just let his fear and anxiety control him. In fact this shows constantly.

When the others in the group constantly talk and confidently say that "he is never wrong" and "boss is always right", Boss tends to simply reply with "...". Which I interpret as his guilt, because HE KNOWS he's lying to them, and he isn't always right, but decides to say nothing.

And while River is overpowering Boss, threatening and probably planing to tear him to shreds, she scratches his neck/throat with her claws. As she does, the wounds become pure white almost immediately, which causes River to stop and hesitate. She realizes something and then warns boss that this will be a reminder for him, a penance if you will, and then moves on to the other life.

I believe that why his wounds turned white, is because boss actively believes that by letting himself be hurt and 'punished' is a good decision.

In other words, he believes that letting himself be hurt and possibly destroyed by the people he hurt, is what he deserves. He believes that he deserves pain, hurt, and perhaps even physical punishment, because of the hurt he had caused the people he cared about the most.

In the end, he is willing to try and forgive himself, to try and make things better, but he thinks it's best if he leaves Eugene and Charlie alone to continue their lives, without his influence, so he leaves. He leaves to find himself in the world, because he wasn't able to when he was alive.

And I wish nothing but the best for him.

Boss is a VERY deep and intriguing character, and he is one of my all time favorite game characters EVER.

Hes like an ACTUAL human being- not those flat idiot and single-minded/purposed characters on hallmark TV shows.

He has FLAWS. He had Strengths, weaknesses, regrets! EMOTION! As much as Boss tries to keep up his walls and hide his true feelings from others (with only a few exceptions to his friends), we can see throughout the games that this isn't the case. I think the most aware of this would be Joan, who seems to understand him a bit more than the others, and gives some wise words on how once you get to warm up to him, and he warms up to you, then you'll see that he's not as tough as he looks.

Charlie also seems more aware of this as time goes on, especially later in the game.

Boss may also see Eugene as a son-figure because he never had one. He was never able to get married and have a family. Eugene grows on him very quickly, and it shows through his actions.

Boss is just a very big softy, a confused, hurt, possibly scared, afraid to be alone, and troubled softy.

And i love him, and want nothing but the best for him in his journey.

I know this will likely never happen, but I would love to see more of him in the story of the Underworld office series <:].

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk 😭

#boss uwo #uwo #underworld office #ciu #Spoilers #underworld office boss #charlie in underworld #Charlie in Underworld spoilers #I wrote a whole ahh essay wow #Sorry yall #Thanks for listening to my Ted talk #Passionate rants #Why I love boss #ask box

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rynnthefangirl · 1 month ago

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I loved the list you made about the things that Stan and Ford can and should or can't and should not be accountable but like there are somethings I don't get and I hope you could help me see things from your perspective. Like, the majority of people agrees that Ford has the right to hold a grudge at Stan for him breaking his machine since he did not apologize to Ford and time is not an apology. Ford also thought that Stan would be fine on his own and that was the reason he never checked on him. Also, Bill is a master manipulator, so Ford believing in him is more about Bill being good at manipulating people than Ford's ego.

I also think you forget to add some things, like, Ford didn't explained to Stan the situation that he was in, he just shoved the Journal 1 on him and ordered him to hide it without even saying if he would contact him to come back or not. He also brought up their childhood dream while doing that and later said to Stan that did nothing worthwhile with his life until that moment. And he also burned and branded Stan. While Stan called Ford selfish for not using his grant money to help their family and later tried to burn Journal 1 out of spite. He also messed up with Ford's infinity sided dice, which put him and Dipper in danger.

Thanks for the ask!

Regarding Ford not checking on Stan, I think you are correct that he figured Stan would be fine… but I also think that Ford believed this at least in part because he doesn’t want contend with his mixed feelings about his brother. He just wants to feel justifiably angry, so that he can forget about Stan and focus on himself and his future. Knowing that Stan was suffering would force him to confront how he does still love and miss his brother (but his aim is getting better), which would burden him and put him in a position of having to choose whether to make a sacrifice (whether it be time, money, emotional effort, part of his career goals) for Stan’s sake. Which he doesn’t want to do. Ford isn’t a bad guy, and he does love his brother… but he is really good at believing things just because he wants to believe them. I don’t think this is a reasonable view of reality though. Stan was kicked out at 18, with no money to his name, no friends, no family, no home. Ford should have considered the possibility that Stan may be suffering and need him. I certainly don’t blame him for being upset with Stan about the project or even necessarily for holding a grudge about it (especially given how terribly Stan handled that confrontation), but we know Ford cares for his brother despite that, and he doesn’t really show it when he chooses to never check on him for 10 years.

As for Bill and Ford, well I think it’s both Bill’s manipulation AND Ford’s ego. Like yes Bill was a good manipulator, but it worked because there was something for him to target. Ford was so desperate to believe he was special and important, which goes back to Ford being really good at believing things that aren’t actually reasonable just because he wants them to be true. I’ll link a more in depth post that I made that is kinda on this same topic, if you are interested :)

Then for the other points you bring up, you are right that both of them did a lot to escalate that situation into a fight. I will admit I am extremely lenient towards Ford in this situation because he was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I mean he’s been essentially tortured for days on end, I don’t blame him for being a bit thoughtless. I think the onus was on Stan to see that and realize he needs to be the bigger person in that moment. As for the infinity sided dice though, gotta disagree about that being on Stan… who puts an incredibly dangerous object like that in a cheap plastic case in a little sack? 😂 but to be fair, that dumb choice was more just for plot purposes so the episode can happen.

Here’s a link to the post I mentioned:

And thanks again for the ask, I love the Stan twins and talking about their relationship!

#gravity falls #the stan twins #stanford pines #ford pines #stanley pines #grunkle stan

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nyewclear · 1 month ago

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So wait!! How would Artemis be with an openly neurodivergent partner? Like a partner who embraces their own neurodivergence as a main part of them? Would that make Artemis more open to accepting their own diagnosis or would it make them feel worse??

if anyone is curious as to what this ask is referring to, check the second to last paragraph of this beast of a response i posted yesterday!

i genuinely believe that the main character (us, the player) is a catalyst in artemis’ life. a couple of times, they say things like, “you make me feel like no one else has ever made me feel” and “thank you for being the person i know my mom always wanted me to have,” and they really mean it when they say that. artemis does have their friends, who they are very close with, but there’s something a little different about being known deeply by a close friend and being known deeply by a partner. i think that, as their partner, you’re able to show them so much, and they really need that.

now, i think that if artemis had an openly neurodivergent partner, one that often didn’t view their neurodivergence as a burden or a pre-determined curse, it would make them think really hard about themself. artemis has said before in the game that they really admire you and they love how determined and hard-working you are, ESPECIALLY because you don’t have a traditional 9-5 job. the fact that you’re cool and successful and interesting and awesome to be around, combined with the fact that you’re neurodivergent would make them think really really hard, because they’ve always viewed their neurodivergence as something incredibly ugly. if you can be great and be neurodivergent, why can’t they? they’d sit on this for a long time, quietly watching you as they mull it over. it would take a considerable amount of time for them to finally come to a positive conclusion though.

i do also think that you would be a catalyst in them finally going to get an adhd diagnosis, even if that’s kind of cheesy, hahaha. i imagine the scenario to be something like you and artemis have been dating for a long while, long enough that you’re starting to realize things about artemis’ grief and their fear of being seen as a failure, as well as their debilitating internalized ableism. you, like everyone else around artemis, would have suspected (read: known) that artemis has adhd, but it’s kind of a hunch since artemis never wants to say that out loud.

so your natural course of action would be to talk to your & artemis’ friends about this, particularly kurou and mordag, who have known artemis the longest. during this conversation, kurou would mention the time he brought up the adhd and how artemis got super angry afterwards, and mordag would echo some similar sentiments in that regard. afterwards, you, kurou, and mordag would go to artemis to talk about this, which is really nervewracking because all of you are anxious that artemis is going to get very upset, like they always do when their adhd is mentioned.

the only reason why artemis is receptive this time around is because you’re there, and you’ve never been there before. i like to think that the thing that gets artemis to finally crack is when you say something along the lines of, “this is nothing to be scared of. you’re going to be okay and you’ve always had the capacity to be okay, and knowing this won’t hurt you. all of us love you so much, even if you don’t think we do, and nothing that could happen could change that.”

recall the scene at the library where the player says something like, “there’s nothing wrong with you,” and artemis almost breaks down in tears at the circulation desk? they needed to hear that so badly from someone that cared about them, and i think this whole adhd situation would be very similar.

after this confrontation, artemis totally bursts into tears in front of the three of you (15 years of holding things in will really do that to ya), but it’s something so healing for them because they finally feel like the world around them is just a little bit kinder, especially because it’s filled with people who are so dear to them :’)

#its not all evil terrible things happening i promise lol #artemis scarberry #ccquery

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blakeswritingimagines · 2 years ago

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Yandere Aemond, Who Accidentally Gets Your Sister Instead

"Y/n should have been mine. She was destined to be mine. I had envisioned a perfect future together, one where we flew atop our dragons and ruled the world. But that was all taken away from me. All of it, gone. Now all I have are her sister. A replacement. Second pick. A consolation prize. How dare she do this to me. She dares to bring a weaker version of herself into my life and expect me to be happy. What was she thinking? I must get rid of her."

If/when he were to be with you he would make sure that you know exactly what your place is. He would make sure that you know that he is the man of the house and that you are only what he deems you to be. You'll serve him regardless of whatever he asks or how highborn you are, and that is the way it must be. He is the master of the household, and you must obey and follow. If he has something that he wants, you must provide it to him.

If all else fails, he would consider kidnapping you in order to force you to spend your time with him. After all, the obsession would be so strong, that he could not see any other option than that. This is only one scenario however.

If he were to have you replaced by your sister he would be very upset. In fact, he would likely act aggressively. This could range from merely ignoring the sister, to trying to hurt her physically. He might even try to eliminate the competition.

He does believe he loves you and he can be quite possessive of you, especially when he sees you talking to other boys. He's always afraid that you might give them more attention than you give to him. He has to remind himself that he is your one and only love, but when the jealousy gets to him, he can get to be a little bit unhinged and obsessed. It’s not something he's proud of, but it’s part of what makes him, him.

Because he has a very short temper and a habit of lashing out when he's angry. He can be very intimidating, and he doesn't like to be crossed. So if you ever do something to piss him off, well, let's just say you better be prepared to face the consequences.

I suppose he would be rather possessive and obsessive. He doesn’t take no for an answer and his love won’t allow him to accept an alternative like your sister. He would be quite persistent and would not give up until he got his way. His pride and his honor wouldn’t allow him to settle for seconds. If he couldn’t have the object of his affection then he would take no one else, and he would go to great length and lengths to ensure that. Perhaps he would even resort to drastic measures in the heat of the moment and in his passion.

If the sister continues to interfere, he might try and drive a wedge between his beloved and your sister. He might even resort to more violent methods to ensure you stay away from each other. It would have to be kept in secret, of course. He would not want you to be suspicious. He would also be sure to make you believe that you are his one and only.

Well, since your sister has arrived it would mean that you are no longer a special focus of his attention. He would likely begin to see this as an attack on him, on your "relationship", and on the way things were meant to be. His behavior might become more and more erratic. He would likely try to get you back by whatever means necessary.

If he wished to capture your attention "again", he would likely resort to more direct, but also more subtle, methods. By this, I mean he would do his best to impress you with his talents, and also try to engage you in some of your favorite activities. He would also do his best to look his best for you, since a good appearance can go a long way in catching someone’s attention. However, he would also be sure to be mysterious and elusive when needed.

It would be most vexing. If the sister continued to attempt to get his attention he would make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that he has no interest in her. He would likely ignore her as much as possible and make sure to give you more attention than ever. He would also try to keep them as far apart from each other as he possibly could. That way, your sister would hopefully learn her place.

If your sister kept trying to be with him, he would likely try to reject her at first. Hopefully, this would give you the opportunity to see what he is to you. But if this fails, he would have no choice but to eliminate the competition. It would be for you, of course.

He is not attracted to your sister, his primary goal is to obtain his beloved. He would never be content with someone else, you are the only person he wants. No one else can measure up. He would continue to focus all his efforts on winning you over. And if your sister continues to interfere, his actions may become more drastic.

It would make the situation a bit tricky if you felt you were nothing amazing compared to your sisters. If you think that you are nothing special then his own jealousy and possessiveness might not be enough to change your mind. He might try to build your confidence up, while also emphasizing the importance of your relationship and how much he values having you with him. He could compliment you and boost your self-esteem, while also making you feel that you are more special to him than anyone else.

His family would likely be concerned about his obsession. They would be concerned about him acting out and hurting you and your sister. They would likely try and intervene and get him to let you go or stop hurting you. However, he would be hard pressed to listen to them. He cares about no one but his love.

If/when he finally got you he would do all he can to possess you. You would be his, and his alone. You would not have the option of going anywhere or doing anything without his permission. He would want you to be with him 24/7. He would make you entirely dependent on him.

He would want you to be married to him, and no one else. And he would want you to have his children and no one else’s. It would be a way of keeping you by his side and tied to him by the closest bond. Children would also serve to make you more dependent on him.

It is not something that he would wish to do. He feels it goes against his code of honor and his "chivalrous" nature. He would never want to stoop to such a level. However, if the alternative is never marrying you and having children, he may not have a choice but to force himself on you and make sure you will in fact be his. It is a decision that he would have to make.

If he were to force you into marriage with him he would make sure it is no small or quiet affair. It would be a grand ceremony. Invitations would be sent to all the great lords of Westeros. He would want to show the realm that you and he were married and that he would keep a firm grip on you. He would want to impress the realm with his love and authority. He would make sure you knew who’s royal and in power because of him, that you belonged to him.

If you are in his possession, who is to say that he cannot do what he wants? Of course he would still treat you with respect and honor you to the best of his abilities. However, you would be a prize to be proud of. You would not be free to go where you please, when you please, without his say so. He would never give you to another. He would never let you get away. He would fight tooth and nail to protect what is his.

#aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen #aemond x reader #hotd aemond #house of the dragon #tw yandere #yandere #yandere aemond targaryen #yandere aemond x reader #thank you to the anon that requested this!

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a-jar-of-beetles · 11 months ago

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kristen thoughts plus divine musings

I really want to write out my theory and speculations about last episode but Kristen C. Applebee's won't stop taking up all my brain space so I might as well share my ramblings.

First off it was a really interesting choice to reach out to her parents she could have easily settled for checking in with Bucky to see how he and their other siblings were doing, but decided to talk to her parents anyway which besides being brave also shows a maturity that often alludes Kristen (not that ignoring her parents for the rest of her life is immature but that's not the point I'm making).

Although I wish she could have interacted more with her brothers her conversation with her parents was not as confrontational as I would have expected I for sure thought that Kristen would have bitten back at the "Helio might not have let that happen" comment when Kristen the literal chosen one of Helio has died multiple times.

Another thing that stuck out to me was the way Mac and Donna talked about Galicaea, they acted like she was just some random goddess but in Elysium Galicaea refers to Sol as her brother which is a weird thing for Kristen's parents to ignore so is the fact that Sol and Galicaea are siblings something that not common knowledge? Could it just be something that's forbidden or just taboo to talk about? Mac and Donna were also pretty judgemental about elves when they were first introduced so maybe it has something to do with that?

So that got me thinking about how Cassandra is mostly referred to as Galicaea's sister instead of Sol's while it could just be that they're both associated with night and that they both had elven followers but it made me wonder what type of relationship they had. Were they just never close in Elysium he never mentioned Cassandra but that could have just been because Kristen didn't ask him about her the only real thing we know about Sol is that he obviously approved of Ankarna and Cassandra otherwise he wouldn't have officiated their wedding.

Which brought me back to how Sol followers in the modern/evangelist church of Sol don't seem to actually know or care about what Sol actually represents/represented, which made me think about the inverse. Does Sol even truly know what's going on with his followers? Because of devil's nectar we know Gods can be purposely deceived but we also know that the nectar works by deceiving yourself first so if you truly believe something and tell your God the same they will believe it too because in Spyre the gods aren't omniscient, we've literally seen it with Galicaea who thought that Cassandra erasing her old name was her own idea and the Nightmare King killed her even when there was evidence to the contrary. Do you think her clerics did it on purpose? Whether their words were Honeyed or delusional Galicaea was still lied to. Galicaea who loved her sister, who would destroy anyone that would dare hurt her baby sister, who bared her fangs at the mention of doubt and only spoke of conviction and clarity which belonged to her fallen sister in law.

Do you think that after Cassandra died Ankarna wasn't the only one who got corrupted? Do you think that with out someone to champion doubt and hold peoples hand through the unknown, people stopped questioning the words of their preachers, paladins and clerics? because doubt became hard to speak about was it just ignored and swallowed? Was it the avoidance of doubt that made the followers of Sol demonize Ankarna? Because without Cassandra Ankarna was no longer a part of their family? Sol and Galicaea did they care? How did they when they lost the last part of Cassandra besides themselves? Were they sad?angry? relived? upset? apathetic? Did they even notice it happen at all?

Maybe I've just been thinking too much

IDK

#fantasy high #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #kristen applebees #donna applebees #mac applebees #Helio #Sol #Galicaea #ankarna #cassandra #ramblings #dawn of justice

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delightful-chaos-collection · 8 months ago

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Barbra Lake

Sorry for the long and kind of all-over-the-place post

Now I would like to preface this by saying that I think Barbra Lake is an amazing character and was a truly good character.

But..

Did anyone else find it weird that Barbra did not talk to her son for a whole MONTH? Like Barbra, I get that you're mad at your son but a month? During "Return of the Trollhunter" we see Jim try to talk to his mom even make her favorite food and she just brushes him off, is curt and sounds so dismissive of him

It's not like Jim stopped caring for his mom. He still cooked and cleaned everything. He probably tried to talk to her and tell her the truth but she just shut him down. Which leaves the question has she done this other times before? In the past, Jim probably never told his mom about the bullying, about feeling sad, or needs help with homework or anything because he thought "moms already stressed she does not need my dumb problems" and "She's done so much for me I should not bother her and help her instead" but also because of a fear of her reaction?

As much as Barbra is concerned about her son doing all these things (cooking, cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc) I think there was a part of her that became dependent on it. Like she's a doctor that is already stressful, having a warm and clean home, a good meal, and someone to lend an ear after a long and stressful day and you just get to relax and have the other person with you. It's nice to have these things but she felt guilty that it was coming from her son but she didn't stop it.

Now imagine this from Jim's perspective. You love your mother more than anything. You feel so guilty about not telling her the truth and you want to but she's not listening to you anymore. She's curt and does not want to talk to you. For a whole month you try and talk but no. Then one day you get back home late your moms there and she finally talks to you. It's not how was your day, not a we should talk and even a hello. It's a yelling and a scolding. Barbra is right to be angry her son can't just disappear like that. But the first time your son hears you finally talk to him it's to yell and scold him. Jim is of course he's going to feel angry and frustrated, so little, so pathetic. He already has problems for the rest of his life his home and mother were the only comforts he had and now even that feels just gone

And after that argument you see both of them regretting the way they acted the way they behaved. Especially Barbra.

This is not to say that she was a terrible person or a bad parent. She just had the love of her life leave her she's probably grieving and heartbroken. What does she do? She either returns back to her studies to become a doctor or continues them. She becomes a successful doctor. Makes sure her son is safe and healthy. Is a productive member of society. Loves her son more than anything, and fights a giant stone assassin for her son to protect him. She is an absolute badass and boss b*tch. She tried and did the best that she could in parenting her son. But that is not to say that she is without flaws.

I think that at times she did not know how to be a parent

She is disappointed in Jim for having an uncomfortable opinion about Strickler and is angry with him and says she "expected more from him" like.. huh?

Then a whole counselor (human blinky) comes to your house and your first response is "What did Jim do now" not "Is Jim okay? What happened?"

Not talking to your own son for a month as if he is a friend that upset you

It would have been so interesting to see that after Barbra found out about troll hunting, she's feeling so guilty about the way she treated Jim. Seen her apologise, saw both of them work through their issues.

That even parents can make mistakes

She tried her best and she did. She raised a loving, caring, and responsible son and is so proud of him. She's a wonderful person but it cannot be said that she is without flaw

A head cannon of mine is that Barbra and James sr. were two medical students and fell in love. They wanted kids but later in life after their careers got well established (and they were in their teens or early twenties) but Barbra found out she was pregnant and they found out quite late. They had Jim and little babies can be a lot and really stressful. Neither of them where prepared. James wanted to give the child up for adoption but Barbra didn't. So they stick through it and five years later they are married all their dreams are not where they wanted them to be. They have a child. Their relationship is strained because of it, and they argue a lot. And little Jim overheard most of these arguments about James saying "how the child ruined their lives" "how they should have just given it away" and a lot of other horrible things. To Jim he thought his dad loved him but he actually hates him. How Barbra defends Jim, how she greatly loves him and none of this is his fault. James did not just suddenly leave there were a lot of problems. (He was one of them). Then one day he meets this young girl into skiing from Vermont so free and without worry and financial burden. You know the rest of the story.

Really sad headcanon: What if there was another reason why Jim wants to take care of his mom? What if he feels guilty? Guilty of causing his mom so many problems. So stressed. Thinks that he's the reason his dad left his mom. Her dreams and aspirations were ruined because of him begin born. It is all his fault. Taking care of Barbra is not just his way of showing love but saying I'm sorry.

What if one day on what would be James and Barbra's anniversary? It's been a year since James left and Barbra's still heartbroken and stressed. It's one of the few days she doesn't have a shift so she goes out to get her mind off things to just relax. She's gone most of the day and comes back late and drunk. She gets inside the house and it's clean and warm. She sees the table has been set nicely. Little Jim (6 years old) has made some really nice food for her. He has waited the whole day for her. And he is so happy to see her. But Barbra's not in the best mindset but she says hello and is impressed. her little boy is so smart and she is so proud. Little Jim takes her hand and guides her to the table. Barbra's just being reminded of how she and James used to do this often. She sits and little Jim gets her a plate of spaghetti he made for her. He is so proud, he got a lot of cuts and burns but that's okay. Because his mom is here and she going to love it, he loves his mom so so much. Barbara is just looking blankly at the table. Jim puts the food in front of her and she just… stares. Jim is worried does his mom not like it? he can make something else. Is she okay? Then Barbra looks at Jim eyes filled with worry and something in her snaps and maybe the alcohol is a reason to blame. But she yells and screams at Jim. Says that it is all his fault, how she could have been so much by now, how she and James could have still been together, that she should have just gotten rid of him, and a lot of things a child should never hear from a parent. And Barbara's crying hard. She flings the plate of food and it breaks. Jim is just standing there the entire time. listening to what his mom is saying, how angry she is at him, how many problems he's caused her, he's so scared right now. Barbra just gets up gives Jim one last look of anger and just leaves and goes to her room.

Jim just stands there.

stands there for a good while and hears his mom crying from her room. Then the crying stops. Jim goes up to apologize to his mom. to say he's sorry. but she's fallen asleep. Jim tucks her in.

then he goes and cleans up the shattered plate and the food. put the food in the fridge. makes sure the doors are locked and goes to bed and just cries and sniffles himself to sleep.

The next morning Barbra wakes up with a massive hangover(thank god she does not have a shift) and does not remember anything from last night. She makes herself some coffee and Jim comes out having just woken up. he sees Barbra and hides he's scared. Barbra sees him and thinks he's playing oh how much she loves her boy. She smiles and calls for Jim. He comes terrified on the inside. He stands in front and she raises her arm. Jim closes his eyes and Barbara hugs him and says good morning. and asks if he wants pancakes. He just nods. She comments on the pasta in the fridge but Jim does not say anything. They spend breakfast together, the pancakes are bad but his mom made them. and she seems to be happy now. then she gets called for a sudden shift. She's sorry to have to leave Jim but he says it's ok he will be fine. she gives him a hug and tells her how much she loves him. then gets dressed and leaves. and he sits at the table. alone. He has to be better, has to do better. He has to make sure his mom is always happy. he has hurt her so much. how its all his fault

Jim would never tell Barbra about that day and would take it to his grave

#jim lake jr #angst #james lake junior #barbra lake #trollhunters tales of arcadia #tales of arcadia #why did i write this now im sad #toa trollhunters #toa

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chaifootsteps · 1 year ago

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You know what i think would have been interesting? if instead of adam and lute being horrible to vaggie when they see her in heaven, they realize that they can use her relationship with charlie to spy on lucifer and hell. they could have tried to manipulate vaggie into working for them (well, more than their half-assed attempt in the show) "don't you hate it in hell? don't you see how horrible those sinners are? don't you miss your wings? your friends? your family? we can let you come back, you can have your old life back! all you need to do is a little something for us" hypothetically this would work better if chaggie wasn't established yet and vaggie had an actual arc of choosing charlie and her new life in hell over adam and lute and her old life in heaven instead of whatever they tried to do with the "fight for love" song. i also think vaggie should have an old crush on lute that lute uses to manipulate her since it would be another way for the show to explore abusive relationships. maybe lute could even be her ex to show that women can also be perpetrators of domestic abuse? eventually vaggie comes to appreciate the sinners and befriends them and then she realizes that spying on hell for heaven is wrong and she doesn't want to do it anymore. she comes clean to charlie and instead of charlie immediately forgiving her after being upset for a few hours vaggie actually has to prove herself and show that she's changed. show her struggle to accept being kicked out of heaven! show her learning to adapt to her new life! show her struggling with her loyalty! give her some character development, dammit!

I kind of threw the idea of vaggie having a crush on lute in there but now that I'm thinking about it there's so much that could be done with it. if you go with the "heaven is homophobic" route, vaggie could be a repressed lesbian. she has a crush on lute but she knows it could never happen and it eats her up inside. maybe during one of the executions she sees a brothel and thinks it could be a way to release some of her pent up sexual frustrations. she visits the brothels in hell on occasion (assuming she could find a way to sneak down there using the execution portal or whatever) and sleeps with the women. at first she only saw them as a way to let off steam, but eventually she starts seeing the sinners she sleeps with as people who she actually likes. she spends some time after her sessions talking with them and getting to know them and she starts to empathize with them. she even starts talking to sinners who aren't prostitutes and befriends a few of them. she starts feeling less and less enthusiastic about the executions, and instead of refusing to kill a random kid, it's one of the prostitutes that she refuses to kill (i imagine that she doesn't wear her exorcist armor when visiting hell so the sinners don't recognize her during the executions. he wings could just be hidden or something) when lute sees this, she demands that vaggie explain herself, and vaggie tells her everything, even about her crush on lute. and that's when lute decides to banish her and cut off her wings, telling her that she's filthy and that if she loves her sinner whores so much she can spend all of eternity with them.

If you don't want heaven to be homophobic, you can just go the route of lute being vaggie's abusive gf, and instead of vaggie seeking out prostitutes due to her repressed sexuality, she does it to find some intimacy outside of her abusive relationship and as a way to regain some control in her sex life. she realizes that despite being sinners, the prostitutes are much nicer to her than lute ever was, and when lute finds out she banishes vaggie out of jealousy and feeling betrayed (i like this version better tbh. not that i want to ship vaggie and lute, i just think it would make for an interesting story)

After being banished, she struggles to adjust to hell. She's angry and distraught about what happened to her and she just wants to go back. when she hears about the hotel, she thinks it could be her ticket home and decides to check it out, and that's when she meets charlie! charlie is so much different than lute. she has so much power as the princess of hell, but she never uses that power to hurt people. she treats vaggie better than anyone has before and vaggie gets a taste of the happy relationship she's always wanted, but she's scared to commit because she afraid that charlie could end up abusing her, too. she's a demon after all, and lute told her demons are violent and dangerous. but as time goes on, she loses her fear and comes to love charlie, but they don't end up together until after vaggie reconciles for her betrayal. charlie was heartbroken by all the lies vaggie to old her, but when she learns about how lute treated her she comes to understand why vaggie did what she did. it's not an excuse, but it's a path towards forgiveness, and charlie wants to help her and show her that there's a beautiful world full of love waiting for her. she doesn't have to be afraid anymore, because charlie won't let anyone hurt her again. maybe there can be a point in the battle with the exorcists where lute continues to try to manipulate vaggie and charlie stands up for her! like she should have done with val!

This could also create such a nice dynamic between angel dust and vaggie! vaggie hates angel dust at first due to either internalized homophobia or her blaming sex workers for what happened to her. then when she finds out about how val treats him, she relates it back to how lute treated her and they find common ground. maybe vaggie could have been the one to sing "loser baby" with him!!! and it would've worked so much better because she actually had experience with abuse and it would have come across as actual solidarity instead of "get over it loser" it doesn't have to be a romantic song, it can be a song between friends! maybe she doesn't tell angel dust that she's a former executioner at this point, but she says she's been abused in the past. she says that she got out of it in a really horrible way, but she's in a better place now and she knows there's a better place for him, too. and then when it's revealed that vaggie was an angel, angel dust confronts her and thinks she lied to him about everything, but she tells him about her relationship with lute and angel dust sympathizes with her, relating it back to val. she says that she was spying on hell because despite how horrible lute was, she wanted her back, and angel dust reasponds with "if i had escaped from val, i think a part of me would want him back, too" because it's common for victims to want to go back to their abusers. maybe angel dust could have been the first one to give her a second chance as someone who knows how abuse can lead to someone to do desperate things.

Don't get me wrong, it would've been horrible for vaggie to sleep with people while hiding the fact that she's one of the exorcists out to kill them, and giving the exorcist an advantage by spying on them while maintaining a "false" friendship with the sinners would be bad. but those are flaws that she would actually have to work on and get better! and maybe not everyone would forgive her, but she tries her best to be a better person! like an actual character arc!!!

dammit now I'm thinking about how we could have had such good gay/lesbian solidarity with angel dust and vaggie and now I'm sad. oh what could have been.... sorry this got longer than i expected i just think there was so much more HH could have done with vaggie overall and especially with her being a fallen angel. she could've had an actual dynamic with adam and lute! and lute could've had more depth and motivation outside of just being adam's pick-me girl! now i kind of wanna make this into its own thing... maybe not a HH rewrite but i wanna do something with this idea cuz i actually really like it. maybe I'll make some OCs? idk. thanks for listening!

The drama, the intrigue! The twists and turns! This is what we could have gotten if Hazbin belonged to a real writer, and of course it doesn't so we never will.

#Anonymous #viv stuff #actual blog post

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xviiperr · 7 months ago

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Hi! I am very interested in Trickshot's reaction to the fact that his beloved found a lightsaber and took it for herself. "You shouldn't have this." Or she just took it without saying a word. How angry will he be? Where does he keep the sword? (English is not my native language. I used a translator. I hope it turned out to be clear.)

Hello there, Nastasia (I hope it's okay if I use your name? I couldn't @ you because I wasn't sure how to spell your username 😭), thank you for the ask!

I'm assuming you meant to ask about Trickshot's reaction to his darling being shocked and upset that he had taken a lightsaber for himself? Also, no worries, I understand it can be tricky to translate to English since it's an amalgamation of all sorts of wacko lingos. Trust me, when I was taking Spanish and French classes, you can imagine my shock to the complicated simplicity 😭 🙏

Main character is referred to as: reader, cyare, cyar'ika and some use of you/your pronouns. I kept it gender neutral as much as I could!

TW: Yandere behavior, I do not condone this in real life. Stalking, possessiveness, mild violence (mentions of killing Jedi, stunning reader) kidnapping, light mention of gore. Read at your own risk.

EDIT: contains blatant beating, killing reader and oneself.

AUTHOR EDIT NOTE: I realized I hadn't said all that I wanted to when writing Trickshot's response! There were definitely some points I forgot to bring up so that's why you might see some more stuff 💚🩷🧡

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

I wanted to make this inclusive for all! I'm thinking of making one of my characters aro/ace but I need to do some research before I do that. (ZZ). I would love it if any aro/ace people reached out and told me about their experiences! I wanna make sure I write him right. 💚 🩷 🧡

Translations from Mando'a:

Cyar'ika - Sweetheart

Cyare - Beloved, loved, popular

Vod - Brother

How would Trickshot react to being told that he cannot possess the lightsaber he stole by his darling?

Trickshot would react rather badly to his cyar'ika trying to take away his illegal lightsaber. If cyare takes it back, his position and life is marked for death. He would rather die on the battlefield than to Kaminoin scientists or old age, as any of his brothers. His treasonous actions mean execution by either his fellow clones, the Republic Court or worse, putting he and his brothers down like dogs on Kamino. (Yes, I reiterated this).

(ZZ would most likely be the next one in charge if Trickshot dies— his Vod's silent but commanding nature will help keep Shaft and Heyday in check. As much as they all squabble with one another, the brothers will help take care of their cyares).

Trickshot is not afraid to commit a crime if it means he gets to keep "his" lightsaber; he might just stun his cyare and hide them somewhere where only he and his brothers can find as punishment. Trickshot trusts his brothers more than anyone else in his life, he believes that if he dies, his dear brothers, his squad mates, will take care of reader. And if reader fights back, Trickshot isn't afraid to put his obsession in their place.

Trickshot would likely kidnap and condition his cyar'ika to lie about the sacred weapon. No, he didn't kill a Jedi padawan. Not at all! What happened was he found the weapon at an old battle ground, covered and hidden well with dirt. Trickshot only kept it for so long because he couldn't escape that deathtrap that was his last mission without that saber. He apologizes for his use of such a blade. He brought his Jedi back with him and everything is fine.

Where would he hide his cyar'ika though? (If he takes such a bold move). Wherever he is deployed the most and most likely if he has rare friends who support his actions. Recently, Champ Squad has been deployed to infiltrate a Separatist planet and take down the command center, helping the regs (meaning regular clone brothers) below take the rest of the planet with their Jedi counterparts. Heyday is the most sociable of Champ Squad, so he's made a few allies that Trickshot would use as a last resort for hiding his darling and keeping her out of his business.

That lightsaber belongs to him now. And if his dearest cyare has to be chained up on a planet, left with little food, water and decency, so be it. When cyar'ika behaves, keeps their mouth shut and never brings up the subject of that damn lightsaber again, Trickshot will release them and formulate an excellent cover story for why reader went missing. "No sir, reader was held captive by weequay thugs for about forty-five standard rotations. Reader should make a quick recovery, if given the proper rest. I can standby and question if need be, they seem to trust me more than anyone."

If in the case though, he cannot get out of trouble for having a lightsaber, Trickshot will take a more aggressive approach to keeping his trophe. He might just beat his cyar'ika into submission, use his training and possibly die trying to force you to let him keep his saber. Or worse. Kill you and then himself. But that's a little too drastic, even for his taste. He'll force you to come with him and his brothers, to desert the GAR and live far out in the galaxy. Destroy all communication that you can get and live out life in this safe place.

When on missions or back on Kamino, or anywhere, how and where does Trickshot hide his illegal possession?

The lightsaber, originally belonging to a Jedi padawan named Merial Karin, is hidden not so discreetly on his utility belt. Trickshot had Shaft make a couple adjustments to the lightsaber to look like an extra rations pack to avoid suspicion but, he did not account for the Force sensibility of other Jedi, leading him to kill those smart leaders. Since then, Trickshot did some research with his brothers on how he could hide the Force surrounding the blade.

He learned that in an old Jedi prison, designed to hold Jedi who had lost their way from the light side of the force, that there was such technology developed to completely stop the use and of course, detection of Force-sensitive devices such as lightsabers. It was hard to get his hands on it but, after much effort, Trickshot had finally gotten the rare materials needed. Never did he ever want to visit a Sith planet again. He had to spend the next few standard rotations in a bacta tank and lie his way through detection.

Who knew Sith planets had creatures that liked to eat humans? A chunk of his thigh had been taken out, leaving a new and wicked scar. Either way, Trickshot got what he wanted. Shaft was able to work with the dangerous artifacts to make advancements to the lightsaber, cleverly hiding it from detection once again. Now, Trickshot would be able to wear it wherever he wanted. Hell, he could complete missions far faster and methodically than before.

When Champ Squad isn't on deployment, Trickshot hides his lightsaber in his backpack, placing it where all his rations go. It would take a Jedi or lightsaber architect to recognize that Trickshot had stolen something that doesn't ever belong in a clone's hands. Trickshot and his brothers joke about the close calls they've had all the time, easing off the guilt and looming punishment if they are discovered.

Bonus! I have a dialogue for my OCS!!

"Heyday, do y'think you could talk the Jedi generals outta duty fer' a day and into partying, " asks Shaft.

"Dunno, from what I hear I'm the most liked outta all of us. Probably why I pull the most fun. And 'course, introduce ZZ to a new friend every now and again." Heyday finishes cleaning out his Deece, looking up at Shaft with a coy smirk.

ZZ rolls over in his bunk, frowning but, he's now smiling. He didn't say much, ever. Quirking a brow, ZZ gave Trickshot a silent and obvious question to all of the brothers. All heads turned to look at the squad leader.

"At this point, Heyday's our professional negotiator. Able to convince my cyar'ika that my lightsaber is just a new viroblade, by the way, thanks Vod." Trickshot stopped messing around with his pack, sporting a softer expression for his serious face.

"Glad to know you don't have stone-face, Vod," Heyday joked, playfully jabbing at Trickshot's stoic nature. All the brothers broke into laughter, the same voices of Fett. The clones received the darker and sinister side of the Mandalorian and the galaxy didn't know what they were in for.

#xviipersworks #yandere #xviiper #xviiperanswers #yandere male #x reader #self insert #yandere star wars #yandere clone wars #yandere clone troopers #yandere clone commandos #yandere champ squad

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