#Im going to be sick Im going to lose it how am I going to survive the week
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akanematic.mp4 (youtube link)
#I love how akane banashi discusses grief. I am pairing it with one of my fave songs about grief#akane banashi#issho arakawa#akane osaki#seb draws#it's so cool how everyone is grieving!!! each indiv chara in this vid is grieving for diff reasons diff ways and they all overlap <3#u know what i'm not done. i WILL go into this#kiroku is making space for grief by taking on the lost shiguma name. It’s he has lost miroku which is like losing a father. but he moves on#kiroku is the father figure for kisoba and rokuen that miroku couldn't be for kiroku. he literally carries kashiwaya (shiguma's art) w/him!#at the same time! kiroku DIES so soon after establishing the arakawa school and he tells kisoba 'you killed me'#this moment is the hammer in the coffin of issho's grief. he already blames himself bc it was HIS performance that resulted in#kiroku getting kicked out. a small death. and now he's told 'you killed me.' insane. Unless it was just a dream idk unclear#but again looking at how kiroku is characterized i don't think he meant to blame issho. it's very likely issho misinterpreted#just like when he misinterpreted what kiroku was trying to say when he started the arakawa school#and that brings us to the CURRENT SHIGUMA#who not only misses his mentor! but also his relationship with kisoba/issho!!!!! HE STILL CALLS HIM ANIKI IM SO SICK#I constantly think about the panel where he looks at issho with trepidation as issho says he will repent for the rest of his life.#that is when the disconnect started!!!! and it only became more extreme when he was taught shiguma's art but couldn't MASTER it!!!!#imagine how Issho felt abt shiguma wasting the opportunity he never got. and becomes even worse after shinta tries to carry shiguma's art#issho is like damn shiguma was too weak and now he brings me another weakling wtf is this!! he's out! expulsion! and ofc shiguma is mad.#but ofc WE all know what issho is TRULY mad abt is really just kiroku! and his own guilt his own grief wtfff#MY GOD.#WHICH BRINGS US TO AKANE#HER PARALLELS WITH ISSHO DRIVE ME CRAZYYYY#trying to avenge the loss of her father's rakugo!!!!!#AKane almost losing herself in her desire to copy her dad#AND!!! AUUGHGHGHGH i know folks were like HUH???? when akane was reflecting on how she could have gone on a dark path w/out shiguma#Bc didn’t she already love rakugo??? But see if we only focus on Loving the Art we become Issho.#think akane first zenza training arc and kibataraki. she loves the art but can't connect to the audience. now add crippling guilt.#Shinta Arakawa is dead and Akane accepted this. but she is still so angry. issho and akane are foils u see.
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one of my goals for my vacation was to get into working out again but i was too busy w holidays and hanging out w everyone on earth i simply forgot to start it.... i feel so bad abt it but maybe today i will do anything
#quenthel special#like doing yoga is good but i didnt do my streches too much so its going to be difficult#i mostly did my strength excercises the past few months since i started work so in that department im still ok but AUGH#i need a solution badly i want to lose some weight and get stronger....#its crazy how much time and energy it takes to take care of your own body properly...#like i have been eating badly kind of and just barely excercising and not taking care of my health too much and it showed#ive been sick like 3 times in 3 months.... im usually rarely sick but also i had to be around much more ppl than i usually am so that also#makes it easier to get a cold and stuff#my new years plan is to keep my health more in mind and to try to enjoy my life a little bit more....
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🫠
#how did i just lose three and a half hours to that. why is it 5 am#personal#the engineering chronicles#whatevr… body base is done basically i just need to figure out how to attach the tail and head and platform to it#head i think im just gonna stick on like a bobble head bc we want it to be able to tilt its head as an extra credit thing#so like. probably use rlly long motor rod whatever and likely screw that into the inside of the head so it doesn’t go flying off#tail and platform idk im sick of thinking abt this#i am not an ME for a reason why am i doing this!!#also i have not actually made the tail or the head yet. platform is done too tho
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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officially in my anarchy era i cant fuckin take this anymore lol
#i need medical care cause im spiraling baby and i keeo losing weight but at least i had fun dying my hair#my soul feels like its on fire my bones feel like theyre on fire but this pain doesnt compare to aaron bushnel#and that pain didnt compare to what the Palestinians are going through or any other fucking native yall dont see as living breathing people#im so angry the constant failures of the system the helplessness#trying to get shorty off the street and having blockade after blockade thrown at us#getting bitched at for calling ogf work because of my raging fever iv had it iv had it this country is stripping each and every person#of their autonomy and we are just supposed to pretend thats normal#we are supposed to point and laugh at the homeless look how they failed they deserve to be where they are. and so many of you believe that#like its truly evil behavior that can and likely will be YOU if we dont fight this shit#then you will be pointed at and laughed at no matter what fuckin race you are#im sick of my friends dying from shit they shouldnt#my soul is ignighted i am so so so angry
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Man I just give up.
#dora daily#if only there was a way to just stop everything#idk if I want to die but I want everything to stop#like so many times I go out or smth and something bad happens#or I get triggered in public and I try so hard not to lose myself and start drama in public but I just can’t#every time I show any emotion people start laughing#I can’t even try to stop myself from bawling in the middle of the store without someone#just being so insensitive and rude and diminishing how I feel#you know I say I’m never mad and that is true bc I may seem mad a lot online but I’m not like this irl#but for the first time I actually got mad at someone irl and I was literally gonna beat him#I was genuinely seething so bad it’s not fair and things keep getting worse and worse#I was so close to just throwing this stupid phone and shattering it and ripping up those dumbass#birthday cards they sell in the store#and that stupid bitch of a sister I have is so fucking stupid#she sees someone anxious and incredibly upset and she acts like that ? fuck her#like bro idek how I have lived for this long and idek why I don’t go and just overdose on SOMETHING right now because#logically speaking I should just give up#but I don’t know why I can’t#like please my life is literal shit okay is replying on time so hard for you to fucking do so I don’t go even more insane fuck all of youuuu#UGHHHDJSOS#I SWEAR TO GOD I am so sick of this just you all wait#none of you deserve normal treatment all you deserve is something even worse than ghosting#just you wait let this stupid semester end and I’ll deactivate my socials go speak to the fucking wall you morons#you think I’m gonna wait around what are you paying me to be here ? if anything IM paying with my sanity#like if this was related to a spouse who was a billionaire but he was treating me as shittily as you guys treat me then I’ll say fine#at least I’m getting something out of this transaction who gives a fuck#but im not getting paid#im not receiving support#I’m getting laughed at and ignored#and used only at YOUR CONVENIENCE !!! what the FUCK ! I don’t exist for anyone and certainly not yall even if I did.
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What goes up must come down
#beastlife#vagueposting#Im going to be sick Im going to lose it how am I going to survive the week#SIGH. guess Im heading to the Season 5 POV factory tomorrow#wunkers
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everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;･∀･)
#i may have made a bad decision with the meat i cooked shdjdkl BUT I THINK IT'LL BE FINE#it was past the date on the packaging but it didnt smell or look or feel off at all so . i decided to risk it#and now im panicking bc i think perhaps that was actually rly stupid fhdkdl#but it was. so much money. i had no idea the date was so soon on the package when i got it from mum#I would've frozen it if I'd known dhdksl i should've looked#alas !!! i think it'll be fine tbh bc it genuinely did not seem spoiled at all so ... now we just pray#i had a fairly small serving of it and I'll see how i feel to figure out if the rest of it is safe to eat or not#im just fhdjdkl crying a little rn bc the past two days have been so awful and im so tired#i rly dont want to get sick on top of everything else going on#i would like one thing to go well fjdkdl just like. one thing. this feels like divine punishment for having the old lady group go so well#im just kind of losing my mind rn i think actually fhfkdl i have a therapy/counseling appt on monday though so we'll see if that helps#i do not have high hopes fjfkdl#MANNNN. can the universe give me a break PLEASE. I've been trying so hard the past three weeks to do well 😭😭#im putting in so much work and effort fhdksl can i PLEASE have this one thing go okay djdksl i do not want to get sick !!!#if i do get sick then im just. hhhhh. idk djdkdl it's just one more thing to add to my pile of Bad ig djdkdl what can ya do djdkdl#i am going to pull myself together and stop crying and go play stardew maybe idk fjdkdl i feel like im starting to crack a little bit#augh. augh. i would love to catch a break djdkdl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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Me when someone says some dumb shit about my medical issues
#“You wouldn't have to go to the hospital because you were so weak your legs gave out if you just watched your weight”#GOOD SIR??#I am 5'7 and 160 lbs how much skinnier must I be??#Damn I didn't know that being curvy (cause that's what I am. I have a curvy figure) was directly related to chronic insomnia#We learn something new every day#And not to hate on men but IT'S ALWAYS A MAN WHO SAYS IT#I HAVE STRUGGLED YEARS JUST TO GET A DIAGNOSIS FOR MY SHIT BECAUSE DUMBASS MALE DOCTORS CLAIM#“Oh if you just lost some weight *insert problem here* would be solved!”#IM LITERALLY A VEGETARIAN#I EAT HEALTHIER THAN 99% OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY JUST BECAUSE MOST OF MY DIET IS VEGETABLES AND TOFU#ANY WEIGHT I'M GONNA LOSE I'VE ALREADY LOST#IF JUST LOSING WEIGHT WAS THE PROBLEM DONT YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE SOLVED IT ALREADY??#INSTEAD OF SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON HOSPITAL AND DOCTORS VISITS?#IM CONSTANTLY BROKER THAN I SHOULD BE BECAUSE THE HEALTH CARE IN THIS COUNTRY IS SHIT#IF THERE WAS AN EASIER OPTION I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY#I DONT LIKE BEING SICK DURING WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRIME OF MY LIFE#woah okay rant over#sorry for the rant#I don't like to complain but people say dumb shit when I'm not even talking to them#medical issues
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So tbe covid symptoms really do come on abruptly, and get worse fast, huh?
#i can't breathe through my nose from how stuffy and runny it is#and i was fine earlier and went from 0 to 'oh shit this doesnt feel like a normal sickness' in just a few hours#anyway my immunocompromised ass is Suffering now so fuck me i guess#i am So glad i dug out some extra books the other day and have my switch in my room#i would lose my mind from boredom since I'll be in here for ages#ive been a fucking shut-in for the most part since this started i am masked up ecery time i do go out and im fully vaxxed#the fucking plague really does get u anyway huh#sickblogging
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i hope someone puts tumblr through a lawsuit for transmisogyny for wrongly flagging trans womens posts and selfies as mature but letting porn bots be rampant with explicit porn and malicious links no fucking issue.
and i hope they fucking lose the case.
#metronome.txt#AND i hope they go bankrupt i hope this stupid ass site shuts down. try buying your way through this with crabs now#im so sick of fucking bots im so sick of them im so sick of staff. hey staff i hope you all lose your god damn jobs im not kidding#can you tell how annoyed and angry i am.
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OOC.
just ate an all-you-can-eat buffet, had to dispute a bill, took the wrong bus, lost all my data, run in heels that i just bought and hurry home to finish a presentation i have to do tomorrow.
#♡. 「 ooc 」#its an understatement for me to say#that i feel sick#i feel NAUSEOUS#this is what happens when you keep procrastinating on a project#thank god i have a face mask on right now or else i might rlly lose it#im overstimulated stressed#and i got an exam on thursday but i have not studied for it#im just going on in there just with vibes.#because thats how tired i am.#my back hurts... i need a massage#and the thing is i cant fucking go home to indonesia this year bcos i have to redo some exams during the summer#and by the time my summer vacation can actually start#the tickets would be around 2000+ euros plus#for ONE WAY#my dad does NOT have that kind of money excuse u#so yes :DDD#this year is not my year#and deanie is angy
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cw ed don't read the tags if u don't wanna see that
#ok rambling again but i miss my weight from a few years ago so much literally its not even that i am unhappy w how i look now but then ill#see pics from 2019 and 2020 and yeah i looked happier and so comfortable in my skin#this is bs its the ed speaking but lord what id give to lose 20kg again#good lord whoever reads this pls punch me in the face but i gotta get this out of my head before it starts causing damage#i haven't weighed myself in two years out of fear bc i kept punishing myself whenever id go over 65kg and im pretty sure im at 70 rn#which is healthy and i look good but my brain desires the 50 so much it makes me sick#knowing myself ill likely drop in weight again soon anyway which idk whether thats a good thing#like its not#not considering my history w this stuff#anyway
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Everything wrong with me ends up being cyclical. Specifically I have kinda bad emetophobia so feeling nauseous makes me really anxious but being really anxious makes me nauseous so they go hand in hand bc I also just have an anxiety disorder. All this to say I'm almost always feeling sick and anxious and that's why I deserve all the treats bc what a way to live
#text#kayla rambles#theres nothing like waking up and immediately thinking youre going to puke so you panic and it makes it worse#or when i actually do get sick i make myself more sick bc of how upset i get like ill puke cry so hard bc i puked that I puke again#and now im tired and its not even 7 am and now i have to worry about feeling this way when i go into work which is always fun#thankfully i have today off but i have to figure something out so i dont lose my mind#also how annoying is it that my emetophobia is specifically in regards to myself i can handle others puking can even help clean up#but god forbid i puke cause then its all down hill
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Im immensely stressed.
#my dad keeps putting pressure on all of us to start making money we need money or we will lose our house#and i feel like no matter how fast i go trying to get ready to sell yarn or socks or whateveter#that I'm still not going fast enough and im getting sick thinking about yarn at this point and i dont like that#im putting so much pressure on myself im forgetting how fun it is to dye and knit#am i putting pressure on myself? i don't think its really all my fault to be fair.#i think i just need to come up with some kind of plan or something. but i don't know what.#I've never sold anything before. i don't know what people like.
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