#Im going to be sick Im going to lose it how am I going to survive the week
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akanematic.mp4 (youtube link)
#I love how akane banashi discusses grief. I am pairing it with one of my fave songs about grief#akane banashi#issho arakawa#akane osaki#seb draws#it's so cool how everyone is grieving!!! each indiv chara in this vid is grieving for diff reasons diff ways and they all overlap <3#u know what i'm not done. i WILL go into this#kiroku is making space for grief by taking on the lost shiguma name. It’s he has lost miroku which is like losing a father. but he moves on#kiroku is the father figure for kisoba and rokuen that miroku couldn't be for kiroku. he literally carries kashiwaya (shiguma's art) w/him!#at the same time! kiroku DIES so soon after establishing the arakawa school and he tells kisoba 'you killed me'#this moment is the hammer in the coffin of issho's grief. he already blames himself bc it was HIS performance that resulted in#kiroku getting kicked out. a small death. and now he's told 'you killed me.' insane. Unless it was just a dream idk unclear#but again looking at how kiroku is characterized i don't think he meant to blame issho. it's very likely issho misinterpreted#just like when he misinterpreted what kiroku was trying to say when he started the arakawa school#and that brings us to the CURRENT SHIGUMA#who not only misses his mentor! but also his relationship with kisoba/issho!!!!! HE STILL CALLS HIM ANIKI IM SO SICK#I constantly think about the panel where he looks at issho with trepidation as issho says he will repent for the rest of his life.#that is when the disconnect started!!!! and it only became more extreme when he was taught shiguma's art but couldn't MASTER it!!!!#imagine how Issho felt abt shiguma wasting the opportunity he never got. and becomes even worse after shinta tries to carry shiguma's art#issho is like damn shiguma was too weak and now he brings me another weakling wtf is this!! he's out! expulsion! and ofc shiguma is mad.#but ofc WE all know what issho is TRULY mad abt is really just kiroku! and his own guilt his own grief wtfff#MY GOD.#WHICH BRINGS US TO AKANE#HER PARALLELS WITH ISSHO DRIVE ME CRAZYYYY#trying to avenge the loss of her father's rakugo!!!!!#AKane almost losing herself in her desire to copy her dad#AND!!! AUUGHGHGHGH i know folks were like HUH???? when akane was reflecting on how she could have gone on a dark path w/out shiguma#Bc didn’t she already love rakugo??? But see if we only focus on Loving the Art we become Issho.#think akane first zenza training arc and kibataraki. she loves the art but can't connect to the audience. now add crippling guilt.#Shinta Arakawa is dead and Akane accepted this. but she is still so angry. issho and akane are foils u see.
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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continuation to this post:
Meg who unintentionally and absolutely illogically gets worried when Lester gets sick after the ghoul incident and he doesn't really understand why would she do that
until he does
#meg will fidget with literally anything and stare at him non stop#and ask him so much questions which is strange (why would she ask so much questions; why she asks him to make a stop; why she stares at hi#as if he will disappear; why she frowns so much at him? he is fine?)#so she asks him questions OR doesn't ask them at all just looking at him because he is tired and sick and how for the fuck he i—#—what if he will die? she can't lose him not again he almost died je was so pale she can't lose him again its going to he her fault—#and lester doesn't really understand why she seems so unnerved but tries so hard not to show it until he stops to yk stretch or smthng and#and practically blanks out and all he can hear is his little sister's voice why it is so small why it sounds so scared is she crying why—#why would she cry he is fine why is his cheeks wet ow that hurts and then he gets conscious and realises after a pause what had happened an#and sees meg that is so so scared and oh gods im sorry i didn't mean to scare you whats wrong why are you crying—#oh#and lester will get it after some time and try to make sure that she is okay that my dear meg is not your fault i am fine just a#a little tired and its okay shhhh#i am a sucker for when lester is sick af#the author is also sick with harsh flu is had fever (39°C) for 2 days straight but now is getting better#toa#lester papadopoulos#meg mccaffrey#sunflower siblings#love them#and they love each other#platonically
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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one of my goals for my vacation was to get into working out again but i was too busy w holidays and hanging out w everyone on earth i simply forgot to start it.... i feel so bad abt it but maybe today i will do anything
#quenthel special#like doing yoga is good but i didnt do my streches too much so its going to be difficult#i mostly did my strength excercises the past few months since i started work so in that department im still ok but AUGH#i need a solution badly i want to lose some weight and get stronger....#its crazy how much time and energy it takes to take care of your own body properly...#like i have been eating badly kind of and just barely excercising and not taking care of my health too much and it showed#ive been sick like 3 times in 3 months.... im usually rarely sick but also i had to be around much more ppl than i usually am so that also#makes it easier to get a cold and stuff#my new years plan is to keep my health more in mind and to try to enjoy my life a little bit more....
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🫠
#how did i just lose three and a half hours to that. why is it 5 am#personal#the engineering chronicles#whatevr… body base is done basically i just need to figure out how to attach the tail and head and platform to it#head i think im just gonna stick on like a bobble head bc we want it to be able to tilt its head as an extra credit thing#so like. probably use rlly long motor rod whatever and likely screw that into the inside of the head so it doesn’t go flying off#tail and platform idk im sick of thinking abt this#i am not an ME for a reason why am i doing this!!#also i have not actually made the tail or the head yet. platform is done too tho
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.
#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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officially in my anarchy era i cant fuckin take this anymore lol
#i need medical care cause im spiraling baby and i keeo losing weight but at least i had fun dying my hair#my soul feels like its on fire my bones feel like theyre on fire but this pain doesnt compare to aaron bushnel#and that pain didnt compare to what the Palestinians are going through or any other fucking native yall dont see as living breathing people#im so angry the constant failures of the system the helplessness#trying to get shorty off the street and having blockade after blockade thrown at us#getting bitched at for calling ogf work because of my raging fever iv had it iv had it this country is stripping each and every person#of their autonomy and we are just supposed to pretend thats normal#we are supposed to point and laugh at the homeless look how they failed they deserve to be where they are. and so many of you believe that#like its truly evil behavior that can and likely will be YOU if we dont fight this shit#then you will be pointed at and laughed at no matter what fuckin race you are#im sick of my friends dying from shit they shouldnt#my soul is ignighted i am so so so angry
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Man I just give up.
#dora daily#if only there was a way to just stop everything#idk if I want to die but I want everything to stop#like so many times I go out or smth and something bad happens#or I get triggered in public and I try so hard not to lose myself and start drama in public but I just can’t#every time I show any emotion people start laughing#I can’t even try to stop myself from bawling in the middle of the store without someone#just being so insensitive and rude and diminishing how I feel#you know I say I’m never mad and that is true bc I may seem mad a lot online but I’m not like this irl#but for the first time I actually got mad at someone irl and I was literally gonna beat him#I was genuinely seething so bad it’s not fair and things keep getting worse and worse#I was so close to just throwing this stupid phone and shattering it and ripping up those dumbass#birthday cards they sell in the store#and that stupid bitch of a sister I have is so fucking stupid#she sees someone anxious and incredibly upset and she acts like that ? fuck her#like bro idek how I have lived for this long and idek why I don’t go and just overdose on SOMETHING right now because#logically speaking I should just give up#but I don’t know why I can’t#like please my life is literal shit okay is replying on time so hard for you to fucking do so I don’t go even more insane fuck all of youuuu#UGHHHDJSOS#I SWEAR TO GOD I am so sick of this just you all wait#none of you deserve normal treatment all you deserve is something even worse than ghosting#just you wait let this stupid semester end and I’ll deactivate my socials go speak to the fucking wall you morons#you think I’m gonna wait around what are you paying me to be here ? if anything IM paying with my sanity#like if this was related to a spouse who was a billionaire but he was treating me as shittily as you guys treat me then I’ll say fine#at least I’m getting something out of this transaction who gives a fuck#but im not getting paid#im not receiving support#I’m getting laughed at and ignored#and used only at YOUR CONVENIENCE !!! what the FUCK ! I don’t exist for anyone and certainly not yall even if I did.
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What goes up must come down
#beastlife#vagueposting#Im going to be sick Im going to lose it how am I going to survive the week#SIGH. guess Im heading to the Season 5 POV factory tomorrow#wunkers
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#just need to vent rq lololol#my wedding lehenga came out so freaking beautiful#but it needs to be taken in a lot like. i lost 6 inches on my waist since i initially had it made for my body#and everyone at the shop was like ohh wow good job great you look so great now you look awesome#and my mom was like oh wow good job that’s good you did it#like lol#i wanted to just be like#‘thanks i had to go to iop therapy at an ed center where they literlaly taught me how to eat food. like a toddler. thanks’#like i didn’t lose weight for an intentional reason but thanks for confirming you thought i looked horrible before lolol#idk i have been like every size in the book but seeing how much better ppl treat me when im smaller#i’m just like. :)#if my mom says anything about her body or mine tomorrow i will probably fucking lose it and if you see a woman in nj killing ppl on the news#it’s me. lol#it just really took me out of the experience bc i’m trying sooooo hard to be neutral about my body. and like. i don’t need to hear your#thoughts abt what i look like lmao#whatever my dress is beautiful and i’m so beautiful and i’m excited but i really do think i should be able to hunt ppl for sport#leave me alone#nothing you do can please ppl#when i was 20 and 100 lbs and killing myself and sick and miserable every single day my mom was also just like#wow you look great#meanwhile i was balding and fainting at the gym and failing my college classes bc i was obsessed w my body#text#also look at these cats that are just in luis’s apartment’s hallway like rofl who let them out of their apt!!!! so cute#my mom saying ‘you did it’ as if i was trying to do something made me lol#i wasn’t TRYING to do anything i just am healing my relationship w food and my body#bc i refuse to waste my entire life being bitter and miserable and ashamed of existing#like SOMEONE i know….#anyway this could be you too! if you went to fucking therapy!#i ate ny pizza out of spite after all of this#sorry some of you can’t enjoy a fucking carb !!!!!
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everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;･∀･)
#i may have made a bad decision with the meat i cooked shdjdkl BUT I THINK IT'LL BE FINE#it was past the date on the packaging but it didnt smell or look or feel off at all so . i decided to risk it#and now im panicking bc i think perhaps that was actually rly stupid fhdkdl#but it was. so much money. i had no idea the date was so soon on the package when i got it from mum#I would've frozen it if I'd known dhdksl i should've looked#alas !!! i think it'll be fine tbh bc it genuinely did not seem spoiled at all so ... now we just pray#i had a fairly small serving of it and I'll see how i feel to figure out if the rest of it is safe to eat or not#im just fhdjdkl crying a little rn bc the past two days have been so awful and im so tired#i rly dont want to get sick on top of everything else going on#i would like one thing to go well fjdkdl just like. one thing. this feels like divine punishment for having the old lady group go so well#im just kind of losing my mind rn i think actually fhfkdl i have a therapy/counseling appt on monday though so we'll see if that helps#i do not have high hopes fjfkdl#MANNNN. can the universe give me a break PLEASE. I've been trying so hard the past three weeks to do well 😭😭#im putting in so much work and effort fhdksl can i PLEASE have this one thing go okay djdksl i do not want to get sick !!!#if i do get sick then im just. hhhhh. idk djdkdl it's just one more thing to add to my pile of Bad ig djdkdl what can ya do djdkdl#i am going to pull myself together and stop crying and go play stardew maybe idk fjdkdl i feel like im starting to crack a little bit#augh. augh. i would love to catch a break djdkdl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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got a sudden jolt of pain from my stomach to my chest but it made my guts not hurt for a moment? win?
#i am shaking though. in fear and terror and horror#i dont want to go to a doctor again just to be told that im fine and this is just a severe anxiety reaction :(#which it definitely is because like. the stomach pain isnt even a pain. im just aware that i have insides#my chest doesnt hurt anymore either. so its like. its literally just me stressing myself sick over??????? fuck if i know what#its happened before like half a year ago i had to go home early once because of how bad i was feeling#god if i end up waking up through the night shaking uncontrollably again i think ill actually lose my mind#ehhh sorry gang. im a yapper and a worrier it seems
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Me when someone says some dumb shit about my medical issues
#“You wouldn't have to go to the hospital because you were so weak your legs gave out if you just watched your weight”#GOOD SIR??#I am 5'7 and 160 lbs how much skinnier must I be??#Damn I didn't know that being curvy (cause that's what I am. I have a curvy figure) was directly related to chronic insomnia#We learn something new every day#And not to hate on men but IT'S ALWAYS A MAN WHO SAYS IT#I HAVE STRUGGLED YEARS JUST TO GET A DIAGNOSIS FOR MY SHIT BECAUSE DUMBASS MALE DOCTORS CLAIM#“Oh if you just lost some weight *insert problem here* would be solved!”#IM LITERALLY A VEGETARIAN#I EAT HEALTHIER THAN 99% OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY JUST BECAUSE MOST OF MY DIET IS VEGETABLES AND TOFU#ANY WEIGHT I'M GONNA LOSE I'VE ALREADY LOST#IF JUST LOSING WEIGHT WAS THE PROBLEM DONT YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE SOLVED IT ALREADY??#INSTEAD OF SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON HOSPITAL AND DOCTORS VISITS?#IM CONSTANTLY BROKER THAN I SHOULD BE BECAUSE THE HEALTH CARE IN THIS COUNTRY IS SHIT#IF THERE WAS AN EASIER OPTION I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY#I DONT LIKE BEING SICK DURING WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRIME OF MY LIFE#woah okay rant over#sorry for the rant#I don't like to complain but people say dumb shit when I'm not even talking to them#medical issues
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im so jealous of cis guys. being able to grow up how they want and being confident in themselves and just. im so fuckin jealous. it is so hard. SO hard. to feel comfortable with someone else in a relationship when im not comfortable with myself. i hate it.
#i know this is stupid#im supposed to be proud of being trans and love myself no matter what and be proud of my identity but#fuck man sometimes id just give anything to be cis#like this shit sucks#i dont wanna fuckin do this anymore im tired of it#'nick ur only 18' YEAH I KNOW AND ITS STILL BAD#god im pissed off#i just. i hate that i cant be proud of who i am bc im not someone else.#im losing my mind i think#i wish i was cis so fuckin bad u guys. i wanna have the experiences of growing up as a boy that i missed out on.#i wish i couldve went to school dances in a suit and not had to worry about being stared at#i wish i could dress how i wanted and present myself how i feel comfortable without hearing those goddamn whispers behind my back#im sick and fuckin tired of it#anyway <3 im done <3 im gonna go watch youtube and pretend like i dont exist <3#vent#dysphoria mention
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