#If its cancer great just great
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.. Probably should've gone to therapy today when i have almost daily breakdowns and when my trauma prevents me from getting help for a potentially serious health problem
#Currently trying to not sh relapse#But why does it even matter#Im harming myself enough by not being able to see the doctor#If its cancer great just great#Then I'll be kicking myself for ignoring the symptoms for like 2 months#Hey maybe even the entire 6 months#Maybe i didnt lose 23kgs by eating so little#delete later#Fuck i cant deal with this or anything
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IF I GET ONE MORE ILL INFORMED AND INSECURITY BAITING INSTAGRAM REEL ABOUT HEALTH OR FOOD OR COOKING OR BUGS IM GOING TO DELETE THE APP FOREVER OMG STOP
#its so bad i just want pet videos!!!!! i dont need to be told everything that i do is bad for me and i need to keep 1000 things more in mind#this causes cancer this id bad have you tried cooking HAVE YOU TRIED COOKING THIS GREAT MEAL YOU LAZY FUCK WHY ARE YOU NOT COOKING#oh its because i'm disabled and a student living on my own THANKS FOR THE GUILT THO#i literally physically cant. if you want me to eat 'healthy' so badly why dont you come over to my flat and do it for me you shit#its insanely triggering for me like i was raised by an almond parents with a medical degree i cannot do this anymore#everything wants me to have an ed sooo badly but i refuse out of sheer spite you cannot get me you stupid fucks#i'm just so frustrated rn#so triggered#also the ocd#ugh#:(#i wish people would just stop with this 'pov did you know' thing when they dont even know what they're talking about OR just do it for the#anxiety factor views#many ppl feel better if they view this shit and it tells them that THEY are doing everything right instead of those silly lazy ppl#i dont need to CONSTANTLY be exposed to stories about people dying of food poisoning etc#just show me some cute dogs#tw ed#tw food#cw food#food#bugs#cw bugs#cw ed#tw caps#vent#personal#sage posting
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One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)
Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go
This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.
#rangnar rambles#i also use my tumblr drafts this way which is how i have probably 2000 drafts for this blog that are just? like me saving a post for 'later#and then theres too many in my drafts for me to even find *MY* drafts#i need to just hard reset the draft function bc its literally unusable for me#'matt this is all irrational and weird' by god. my irrational thoughts disorder makes me do weird shit? are you fr rn??? 😨😨#i get so stupidly in my own head and then i dont make progress towards Anything#even like a fun sideblog where i can actually yknow. post that 2k nightmare? i just cringe myself out like a dumbass 😔#i feel like ocd thoughts always sound lame out loud (and in my head to myself too)#like the Urgency doesnt come across#like in the moment i am Completely convinced that my national insurance number and bank deets are in there somewhere#and theres suddenly no way on earth i could ever find them again if i delete the picture. so to the hard drive they go#i Would go through that whole thing if i suddenly needed a screenshot from 2019 btw. like the crazy isnt theoretical#ive hallucinated gas leak smells before and woken up my flatmates bc i couldnt convince myself i was over reacting#its just cus the seasons have changed that everythings ramping up but omg its hard to do anything but spiral nowadays#thats a little dramatic but i am losing like. a quarter of the day to my ocd#its like. not great 😬#im not back to convincing myself i gave my dad cancer but i am not letting myself use half the kitchen again#but eh soo la voo we ball#HAH i checked my drafts after this and i was lowballing so hard#5.7k on this blog. 12k on my main 💀. its not funny but it kind of is#this is why youll never catch me running a queue#this is such a miserable post but i do feel the need to not let it sit in the drafts pile. to prove the point i guess 💀💀💀#'no one gives a shit this is your blog' 'oh my GOD WHAT IF PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT' <- omg shut upppp youre so embarassing 🙄#one more time for the gallery: i am like. aware that these feelings are irrational. like i am fine it just takes time for reality to kick in#ANYWAYS what was that who said that that was so weird im gonna go look at old romantic era paintings now#if tam is a screenshot fiend in the next fic u know what happened
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actually i am going to elaborate on that psychoanalyzing blorbo post from days ago lol. long story short i've been trying since abt september to kind of start getting my shit together, maybe get into some kind of club or hobby that will help me work on my anxiety, maybe do some bucket list kind of stuff i've been putting off. and then last month mom got diagnosed w breast cancer
my Consistent response to things going wrong in my life is avoidance, isolating myself and trying to repress shit, so i gave up on all of those plans immediately bc i felt like it would put strain on my family and i started trying my best to focus on literally anything else bc i have shit to do + people/a job that needs me + i really couldn't face the reality of it right away
and that news came literally days after act 1 aired. so watching caitlyn then go on to try to repress any and all of her emotions/wants in favour of trying to be the person she believes everyone around her wants her to be and seeing exactly how badly that fucks up her life. felt extremely fucking pointed let me fucking tell you
#moms doing lots of tests to figure out how shes gonna proceed but its looking good atm. probably caught it early#from what i understand the plan is to just cut out the tumour and shell be pretty much ok? i dont even think she needs to do chemo#and im doing ok. really trying my best to not do all of my usual shit lol. i have great friends which helps a lot#im not Fine ngl. it sucks. going through family history and literally the only people in my maternal line who didnt die of cancer#died young in some kind of accident before they could develop cancer. inc nan. who died when mom was my age#but im dealing w it! and mom seems ok if nothing else#but lacans mirror as a literary theory is fucking REAL and it haunts me every day of my life#levi.txt#cancer tw#this isnt any kind of cry for help or looking for sympathy/to talk abt it or god forbid trying to win fandom arguments etc etc#just like. its relevant to general life shit. itll probably come up bc its hard to completely avoid talking abt so i should mention it#and i think its funny the way the universe works out sometimes and how art can find you right when you need it#i feel like the cat in that post thats like 'see how jonesy survives alien bc she lets ripley put her in the carrier?'#'hello lesbian w avoidant coping mechanisms going through a massively upsetting life event. watch This'
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anna or lily going into a convent (and being in america) and carlo can use that as a reputation boost hhhhhhhh
#im sooooo rewriting carlo & his family. bc the existing ver irritates me endlessly u can't even imagine like my teeth r literally gritting#like im literally the n1 hater of the thing i wrote myself like genuinely#“my heart's in the highlands” scene from la grande bellezza (this film & religious topic in it in general) haunts me#genuinely i dont want anna to go into a convent. girl youre so young dont do this. turning to God closer to old age is more common#*but it's so fitting for anna's character i have in my head hhhhhh#but they all are socialists (except for carlo ofc). so there's probably a complicated relationship with god#me when i cant help but make things even more complicated bc my brain works like a cancer#everyone go & listen my hearts in the highlands by arvo part right nowww#m2#i was thinking about the convent for months. just if ure interested#upd. “are you really the strongest exorcist in all of europe?”* hhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#+ for lily. when a saint is asked to talk about her life and she answers: “you can't talk about poverty” hhhhhhhhhh#*looked at la grande belleza's script. exact quote:#i apologize for earlier. there's one question i really want to ask you. are the rumors about you true?#that you were a truly great.. exorcist? // and then the cardinal says some kind of spell & closes the car window#hhhhhhhhhh. another scene that fucking haunts me#upd2. thought bout verro's bust that was destroyed 2 times by the mafia. thought bout anna. i can see her as a sculptor#she has very strong hands. its a pity that if shes in the usa bc have no idea bout american art schools. im more educated bout european art#and also idfk. maybe i do need to see her as a (fierce? but shes in the usa) socialist. you dont get it i need it
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alright im sure we were all eagerly awaiting an update on my life <3
in the past three days my car has been totaled from a minor accident, my toilet broke, my ac broke, my new drivers license is still lost in the mail so we can't get a new car...
...and to top it all off apparently my mother in laws lung cancer is back! :)))))))))) just fuck me I GUESS JUST FUCK ME I GUESS
#IM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE MY MIND#just one after another every day has been another thing im so close. so fucking clsoe.#and we just made a bunch of large payments so dont have any money for any of this shit oh my god. ohhhh my god where do i get car moeny fro#hi im coping .#MIL says the cancer may be able to be treated with radiation not operation like last time but her health... its not great...#she had lung and back surgery... so its lung cancer round 2 and i.#sigh. she sounds optimistic at least. just a little. but im worried
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horses where sunscreen that’s so cute is it special horse sunscreen or do they just rock some sunbum or cerave 😭
Yes!!! a lot of times they have pink skin under their white markings and those pink areas can get sunburnt depending on where you live (ask me how I know 💀 Pop got super sunburnt the first summer I had him I felt like the worst Mom alive) Pop in particular has a very pink nose and so he wears sunscreen on his snoot to protect him from those harmful UV rays (he refuses to wear a fly mask with a long nose that would also provide protection ... he barely tolerates the one that DOESN'T cover his nose and when he takes it off he gets upset the buggies are in his eyes / touching his ears I can't win)
They do make horse sunscreen, I have a cream sunscreen thats for horses as well as a powder because Pop is spoiled and I have to try EVERYTHING however, he usually just wears Coppertone fragrance free baby sunscreen on his nose because it's the one he throws the least amount of hissy fit when I put it on. We use the blue one with zinc. His coat conditioner also has sunscreen in it to prevent sun bleaching even though he's already yellow lol
I meanwhile am a Sunbum girlie, I will be aggressively applying that 70 SPF spray every 60 minutes to my own body as well as that weird face sunscreen mist they have that smells like bananas on top of my Korean facial sunscreen I wear every morning. I don't fuck around with the sun. Pop and I are the sunscreen police it might be 112 degrees but I will be wearing long sleeves, long pants, and an extended visor clipped onto my helmet when im riding and a floppy sunhat when I'm not.
People always get such a kick out of Pop's and my sunscreen routine but better safe than sorry! Thank you so much for this ask and I hope you enjoy the mental image of me rubbing sunscreen into Pop's nose while he tries to toss his head in the air while I'm yelling "THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD DO YOU WANT TO GET BURNT AGAIN" 😂
I hope are having a WONDERFUL Wednesday and a fantastic rest of your week!
❤️Ally
#allylikethecat#ask ally#anon ask#keep it kind#horses and sunscreen lol#WEAR SUNSCREEN#even if there is cloud coverage there could still be dangerous UV rays!!#better safe than sorry#we are not getting sun damage in this family!#if you want to get tanned they make fake tanner#it looks great and it WONT CAUSE CANCER OR WRINKLES#I'm actually very lucky though that in the grand scheme of things#pop lets me mess with his face no problem#like he is totally fine when i clean his nose and ears and eye and stuff - some horses freak out#he just doesnt *love* sunscreen time#i think its because its cold lol
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my dads had cancer for like. at least 4 years now
#i can tell hes depressed too#pretty sure hes without his meds. or at least was for a little while#and given hes bipolar thats. not great#he lost his job recently and might end up homeless again#its so fucking infuriating. he deserves to be able to do his cancer treatments without the fear of ending up homeless#he literally cant do chemo and work a job at the same time. it incapacitates him#he cant be unemployed and. you know. survive#more and more recently ive been afraid hes just. not gonna make it. especially if he ends up homeless again#i dont wanna lose my dad dude
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blah blah blah YES norman was going to allow ruby to partake in contests. doesnt change the fact he beat him up lol!
#i think that rlly does show his character more than anything. like his reasoning for finally allowing him to do it is literally#''i still dont approve and still want him to pursue battling but hes turning 11 so he can make his own decisions in life. i didnt#like him doing it before because he was a child'' <- norman very much has the ''children must do exactly as their parents say'' mentality#which is not rlly great. esp since it is implied that he became abusive when ruby would NOT do as he said#and even besides that. the fact that once ruby runs away norman becomes so unbelievably violent with him is literally all that matters#in a discussion of whether norman is a good dad or not. it literally does not matter that he changed his mind and was going#to allow ruby to do contests WHEN HE STILL BEAT HIM UP FOR RUNNING AWAY!!!!!!!! NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!#he physically abused ruby in a very violent manner (and again its implied this isnt new behavior for him. norman is also just shown#to be a very violent person in general. destroying things when hes angry shoving random people etc etc)#he couldve fucking cured cancer he couldve wholeheartedly supported ruby's contest career for all i care#anything good he does is overshadowed by his abuse of ruby. i dont think norman is an entirely 100% EVIL person#i dont even think that he doesnt care about ruby. but he is a terrible abusive father regardless and nothing can change that#norman does have nuances. and he is still terrible and in my eyes irredeemable. those things can coexist#(i cant remember exactly where things end up esp once he dies. so i'll reserve any comments about how the NARRATIVE views#norman until after ive finished R&S in its entirety)#but yeah. him planning on giving ruby permission to do contests literallyyyyy does not change anything#serena.txt#pksp reread#ruby & sapphire reread
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i never remember to explain shit anymore i just vaguepost and expect people to catch up but i finally have good news, we've made a lot of progress with my parents' estate (they both ran their own businesses and you know those images of nightmare cable management? well imagine that with bank accounts) and i actually have money now - im taking a trip to Aotearoa NZ with my mate Jules next week (dark sky reserve! lotr filming locations! snow! FOOD!) and then in august i will be moving to nyc to pursue a 2 year masters degree in library science with a focus on rare materials archival studies!! shits happening in my life!! im not just sitting in my house doing nothing all day!! and like i said i have money!! if you're taking commissions lmk bc while im focused on my getaway for the next few weeks i wanna support my friends and their art and when i get back i wanna throw u cash to draw my ocs!!
#fred says a thing#personal#i havent slept (its 8am) but not for sad reasons! i was reading a good book and then i just had a lot of thoughts!#invariably i will be sad again - probably soon! i will definitely see stuff on my trip that i will want to show my parents and have to#experience the strange nature of grief-for-what-never-was several times over during otherwise great moments#- but i will also be happy in the future too!#my therapist says i definitely have ptsd! im learning more about emotional flashbacks and how to manage them!#im a human being and i will continue to be one for the rest of my life!#i hope thats a long time!#but even if that isnt something my genetics allows i was happy now! and people were happy to have me in the world!#im realising that sounds rather alarming but i just have a lot of fears about my genetics considering. you know. the cancer orphaning.#im trying to manage both my health fears and my health itself in a reasonable way! i made a chicken tomato pasta sauce last night#just from ingredients i had lying around and it was pretty good!#i have a ripe tomato i picked from the garden yesterday that today i will fry up with bacon and put on some toast i think#there are so many books i want to read#there are so many books i want to write#in a few days i will be experiencing snow (a rarity for me) and i will probably be handling the cold very poorly and i will feel excited#and uncomfortable at the same time#and for much of my life i will experience a lot of contradictory things at the same tiem#and i will experience times of great boredom and inaction! we all have to stand in queues and wait for buses and go to the dentist#and wonder what might have been#but i will experience them. i will.
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#theres nothing like ending a long exhausting day of period cramps and constant bleeding than convicing myself i have cancer#🙂🙂🙂#love that my insomnia already wont let me sleep and now my anxiety is like okay cool lets add some spice#my body is beating me up and my brain really jumped to join in huh#anyway i am beyond exhausted and now ive convinced myself i have months left to live#love having anxiety its just so great i love it here 😀#personal#tw mental illness#tw health
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its the desd if night and i drew myself the tackiest ship art imaginable for my fav two
it feels so embarrasing being into a ship thats incredibly dated and wattpad and “i guess theyre shipping anyone” esq when you werent there for it. i have no experience, i have no nostalgia, i have no excuse…
theyre tacky and theyre mine goddamn it….
#feeling the tackiness and datedness and surface level ‘matching’ness of them radiate off of them like neuclear waste#but it makes le happy#‘is this about loowynn or poly nightmares or deuzaggie or toddai?’ no#+ all those ships r great & i would never sully their good names i would never diss them theyre great its just my idiots who are the proble#if i go public with this thing ill get executed in the town square for sure <- lying my ass off cause tumblr is chill m just scared#i saw where you all ranked in on your charts. i saw 😔😔😔😔 /j#ok i havent combed everyones teirlists but its happened a couple tiems lol and i get it 100% i cannot blame anyone. my tacky children….#my incredibly radioactive cancer causing illness breeding plague harboring ship….#maybe im being too mean to it it no one fucking likes it BXHSHSH#anyway this is way too much of a rsnt and look inside my silly liytle hesd snd i should be asleep pia shiuld be allowed to kill me w bricks#🧱😵
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Fuck my yaoi life
#remicade#infliximab#ulcerative colitis#fucking hate chemo fucking hate chemo fucking hate chemo#i fucking hate chemo#but everything hurts so i gotta take it#its horrible#makes me feel fucking horrible#i hate to think after it starts working an ostomy bag is next....#and i have to do it alone... my dad just got diagnosed with cancer so its like. great.#great.#thanks.#he was never in my life but he kept my mom in check. Shell be fine#theyre fine without eachother but still...#he was. someone. even if he was never in my life#:/
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Dear United States of America, can you PLEASE invest in better transportation options so that I can have better options besides the following :
Roundtrip plane ticket with one layover: $800
Roundtrip plane ticket with one layover and having my destination be further away (30minutes to an hour) : $750
Greyhound bus, 48+ hours each way : $500
Train station, minimum $400 and 48+ hours each way: total cost unknown because the train website cannot get me tickets to my destination for the days that I'm asking for so it physically will not let me continue
Contrary to what some may think, but I actually WOULD like to see some relatives before they die
#went from relief of my grandfather having a semi treatable cancer so he isnt dying within the next year#to being reminded my great grandfather has cancer. is older. GOT COVID after having to miss three treatments due to poor health#and so YEAH its either pay for expensive tickets. hope to god hes alive if i book cheaper tickets further out. or just accept i cannot#and will not be able to see him again#what is this fucking yeae#year
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21/6/24
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Had alot of fun drawing
Yuru camp
#happiness diary#happiness diary: june 2024#was real tired for the past few days cus i ran out of my antihistamines so i had to use the shop bought ones#and they always make me a zombie#still kinda getting over the tired cus the ones i use make me tired when i first start taking them but im more uh aware i guess now#also guess who got bad results from her biopsy and needs to get another one :)#third time my skin has tried to kill me and third time ive caught it before it can do anything#so its not as bad as it could have been#but still not great to hear yeah your skin was trying to kill you and we need to chop your arm again#also never fun to have the doctor say well talk more in the cancer appointment (cant remember what its actually called)#dunno why theyre calling it a cancer appointment thing when its precancer#like we stopped it so its not a cancer appointment#maybe i just dont like it#it was funny though cus the doctor on the phone was like have you had any other moles change#and i just was like its been only a couple weeks since you last saw me i dint think so#oh also they didn't bither trying to phone my mobile tgey went straight to the house phone#i mean i was waiting for the phonecall since the day after my appointment and i was hyper aware of every sound that could have been made#by my phone#but when the house phone rang i was just like oh thats for me#but then my parents didn't call me through or anything so i just sat in my room like ...?#then later it rang again and again i was like its for me and sure enough my mother call d me through#it always sucks whn you just know#last time i saw the postman outside delivering letters to other people and my heart just sank and I knew he had the letter with bad news#it is funny though cus my dad thought the phone call was spam and thats why they didn't tell me#he was like look at the number its probably a mobile its spam and ignored it#which is what i did cus the nhs number looks like a spam number whuch is why i have it saved in my phone now#so yeah#im not happy about it but im glad i caught it early enough again#wonder if it wouldve been in situ if the doctor i saw a year ago decided to take it off then#wonder how close it was to stage one... guess ill find out
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#i just recently found out my family is manitoba cree and we are part of a band and have sued the gvmt multiple times#well not WE as in the family in the area we always thought we were just metis but nah apparently like 3 quarters of the fam is cree#we just never got into contact with them#and we are eligible for like 20k a year to distribute amongst ourselves as well as help with funding for school starting a business etc#pretty cool!!#my uncle got into contact with some of the cousins to get all of the documentation we needed to get full status cause we are non status atm#and she got him into contact with the rest of the family#the family we know of are all from saskatchewan thats where a lot of our relatives were born so thats where he was looking#so its pretty wild to find out that actually the bit of family we know of is just a small handful of relatives#and that the majority of relatives are cree and living on a reservation in manitoba and have like really deep ties with our family history#i literally didnt know anything about my family except that my great grandma died of cancer and that i have a great uncle#or rather HAD a great uncle in manitoba that just never stayed in contact with the family anywhere in the country right up until he died#which was like last year thats my uncles uncle so i think thats what motivated him to start doing all this digging now#anyways fun fact about me i guess lol#just rambling#dont mind me
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