#and i have to do it alone... my dad just got diagnosed with cancer so its like. great.

[h-ypno]

Fuck my yaoi life

[holly-louisexox]

Ribcage X Andy Biersack- Part 30

Masterlist

"There's one thing you should know about me Delia Vincent, I don't date. Got no heart to break and emptiness is safe, keep it that way."

He was adamant in his choices...

...But then things changed.

Author's note:

One breif mention of the deadly C word (cancer). As always, please look after yourselves friends. Also dives deeper into Delia's PTSD.

------------

Sam Todd came from money, he was rich, and everyone knows that rich people can get good lawyers. Delia was terrified about going to court against him but she knew that she had to, if not for herself for the other women he had killed. However, Sam was smart and his lawyer even smarter.

"Your honour, I would like to bring forward the point that Miss Vincent had been drinking the night of meeting my client Mr Todd, she agreed to go back with him but clearly does not remember this. Linking this with the medical reports of PTSD and lack of sleep due to the tour she had just finished, of course, Miss Vincent would not remember this and would hallucinate the morbid things she claims Mr Todd had told her." The lawyer states confidently.

"Objection, Miss Vincent suffers PTSD as a result of the kidnapping and assault Mr Todd put her through. I have also confirmed with the band and their management that the tour was evenly spread out to allow time to rest and relax so as not to pressurise any tour members and to prevent illness." Delia's lawyer interjects.

"Objection, it can be seen that Miss Vincent went through a traumatic event 3 years ago when her Father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was near death at one point. That is enough for PTSD to form, the stress of being away from her parents is enough to trigger those memories." Sam's lawyer states; how did she know about her dad Delia wonders.

 "Objection, relevance." Delia's lawyer shouts slightly.

"Overruled, I'll allow it." The judge states firmly back at Delia's lawyer "Please do continue your case, Miss Brown."

The court case went on for a few hours before the judge called the case to an end, allowing the jury to be dismissed and to make their decision on whether Sam was guilty or not guilty. Sam's lawyer was clever in twisting the truth. Delia's injuries? She had blamed Delia for being unstable and throwing herself out of the window. There were no weapons found in Sam's house and no blood was discovered either allowing the lawyer to deny Sam murdering those other women.

The next day the court was called back into session after the jury had reached a decision. Delia felt sick to her stomach and wished Andy could be there alongside her, instead, he had been stuck in Los Angeles leaving her alone in Seattle. Lonny had offered to attend alongside her however a snowstorm in Canada prevented him from flying and she would not dare ask anyone else.

"We have reached a verdict, your honour." A spokesperson from the Jury announces "We find Mr Todd not guilty and declare Miss Vincent insane."

"Very well, Mr Todd is free to leave and Miss Vincent will be taken to a secure facility to receive treatment." The judge confirms before hitting his hammer on the table "Court dismissed."

"Andy?" Delia answers her phone as she hears it ring.

"You know it was just sex right? I never actually liked you, I just pitied you." Andy states coldly "At least now you can get the help you so desperately need, goodbye Delia."

"Andy! Andy, please don't leave me!" Delia cries before hearing the call cut off.

"Delia?" Tamara then appears beside her.

"Mum! They're going to take me away!" Delia continues to cry "Please don't let them take me!"

"No one is taking you away Petal." Tamara explains calmly stroking Delia's hair.

"They're taking me away!" Delia is hysterical at this moment.

“Delia, listen to me. No one is taking you away, I promise." Tamara is now lightly shaking Delia's shoulders. "I need you to wake up for me."

--------------------------

"Mum?" Delia cries as she jolts up from her bed exiting her slumber; it was all a bad dream, but it felt so real.

"You're okay honey." Tamara smiles warmly pulling Delia into a hug and allowing her daughter to cry on her shoulder

"What time is it?" Delia asks noticing it was still dark outside.

"It's about 4 am." Tamara informs Delia as she continues to hug her close. "What happened Petal?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Delia sighs trying to calm her crying "Please don't tell Andy."

"Delia, you were shouting for Andy not to leave you and said someone was going to take you away." Tamara worries as she gently rubs Delia's back. "Andy seems a fine young man. I think he would want to know about this, and I know he cares for you, he'd want to reassure you."

"He'd think I'm  crazy." Delia sniffles pulling away from Tamara and looking at her.

"Delia, you've been through something I can only imagine was terrifying, it's okay to lean on those who love and care for you." Tamara tries to reassure Delia.

"Maybe you're right." Delia smiles lightly.

"Aren't I always?" Tamara teases earning a light chuckle from Delia "Try and go back to sleep for a little bit D. As much as I don't think Andy will not care if you fell asleep on him, I'd recommend you not do that."

"Good idea." Delia smiles settling back into her bed and duvet "Goodnight mum."

------------------------

"Delia, Andy's here!" Tamara shouts for Delia from the front door.

"Okay, I'll be down in a minute!" Delia shouts back from upstairs.

"Andy please, come in." Tamara smiles moving aside to allow Andy to walk into the house "How are you doing today?"

"I'm very well thank you, Mrs Vincent." Andy smiles "You're looking well, how was your evening with Delia last night?"

"Andy please, there's no need for the formality, just call me Tamara." Tamara smiles as she and him walk into the living room "Although I do have to confess, I'm a little bit worried about Delia, I was hoping you could help and maybe try and talk to her."

"What happened? Is she okay?" Andy panics; as horrible as it seems, seeing Andy panic reassured Tamara. It was nice to see that her daughter was in safe hands.

"About 4 am this morning I had to wake up her because she was screaming out from a bad dream. She was begging you not to leave her and claiming someone was going to take her away." Tamara smiles sadly.

"Oh God, the nurse at the hospital warned me about things like this after what she's been through. I know it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I'm worried it will get so bad that she'll do something reckless. She likely won't accept too much help either." Andy sighs.

"You're right about not accepting help, I love her and Nick dearly but their stubbornness drives me up the wall sometimes." Tamara shakes her head grinning slightly. "She won't talk to me about it either."

"I can try but I'm not sure if she'll tell me if she won't even tell you, I know you're both close." Andy smiles at Tamara.

"Mum? Andy?" Delia calls from the hallway.

"Living room dear!" Tamara confirms "Feel free to visit whenever you like Andy, even if that means staying a night You're always welcome here."

Andy understood what Tamara meant by that comment. She was suggesting Andy stay the night to bring Delia some comfort either to get her to open up about the bad dream if it were to happen again or to chase it away completely, but he had to be smart about it. If Delia suspects that Tamara had spoken to him about what had happened, she would never agree to let him stay with her the night. Instead, he had to think of a way to make it about himself.

"Are you ready to go Andy?" Delia asks as she hobbles into the living room.

"Yeah." Andy nods before standing up from the sofa "It was lovely seeing you again Tamara." 

"Feel free to visit any time Andy." Tamara smiles although Andy knew it was just a reminder of what they had just spoken about without Delia's knowing.

"Thank you." Andy smiles at her.

-----------------

"It's so nice to have a phone that actually works now." Delia laughs before taking a sip of her coffee; caramel of course. "Could you add my new number into the groupchat please? It'll be easier for the others to reach me then rather than send out a message to all of them."

"Yeah of course, let me do it now before I forget." Andy laughs alongside her grabbing his phone.

"Thank you." Delia smiles after receiving the notification that Andy had added her to the group. "Is it weird for you being back in Ohio?"

"A little, I kind of feel like a ghost." Andy smiles looking at Delia;  she looked anxious and he could guess why.

"So what? After Christmas you go back to LA and forget all about me?" Delia questions as she lays all of her anxiety on the table; the nightmare Tamara told Andy about, the fears of everything, it was hitting Delia and harder than what Andy wanted to see.

"Of course not, I could never forget about you Delia." Andy's smile falls and he carefully takes Delia's hand in his as if she may break from any sudden or hard movements, as if she was the finest china. "You know we all want you on our next tour, the guys and Shevy adore you and you're great at what you do. Plus I can easily come to Ohio or you can visit my place in LA."

"That's true." Delia nods timidly.

"Or a crazier idea, and there's no pressure for this, you could move to LA." Andy speaks casually as not to scare Delia as he watches for her facial expression "I know you've been trying to move out of your parent's house for a while now."

"I could never afford LA." Delia sighs looking down at her hand in Andy's; she'd love to move to LA, she was has as she knows it would give her better job opportunity and now she'd be closer to Andy. As much as she did not want to admit it, she needed Andy, but she was never good at asking for help or accepting help even when it was given to her.

"How about this then..." Andy begins before rubbing his thumb over Delia's knuckles "You could move into the spare room I have? I know it's out there and I won't expect an answer right nowbut that could also be an option and I know what you're going to be thinking, if the money side is going to bother you then I'll let you tag into the bills."

"I'll have to think about it, but that sounds great Andy." Delia nods tightening her grip on Andy's hand slightly as if she was scared he would slip away from her.

"Like I said, there's no pressure and I won't be offended if you choose not to." Andy smiles lightly squeezing her hand to reassure her.

"Andy?" Delia starts looking up at him "Can you stay with me tonight? I'm scared."

"Of course." Andy smiles back "Always."

[yaskie]

Fighting for Cancer

All Stickers and emoji sales will be used for Uncle Dindo’s medical debts and balances for his wake and burial, Auntie Sam’s and my ongoing Hormonal and chemo treatment. We also set a targeted amount through our goal for donations. We thank you all, thank you so much for everything. We deeply appreciate all donations and purchases that will be made. To all who have helped me in the past. I am eternally grateful. Please help me share this post, reblog. It will help me a lot. ❤️‍🩹❤️🩷🧡💛 Hello Dear friends, I hope you are all doing well. It’s been a long time since I have made an update about my health and everything that is happening to my life. Life has been so busy.  As you read the title for this campaign. Yes, Fighting for cancer, as some of you know I fought with the same battle several years ago, to my friends who helped me financially and all. My never ending gratitude to all of you. 

I became okay and I chose to deal with financial struggles myself, because I know that I am already giving too much burden to my friends over the course of more than a year. I went back to do regular jobs despite lower grade pays in order to survive, and pay the remaining debt for my medication. Where I live, we are paid daily, not hourly and daily wages are between $12-$15/day. And work 8-12 hours a day. Unfortunately, life does not always end like a fairytale. I am doing this campaign again. Not just for myself but for the other two people that are important to my life. I guess this battle runs into the family. I lost so many family members battling this. I lost my Dad to Stage 4 lung cancer last 2015. And last night(March 25,2024) I lost my Uncle Dindo in the same battle, after several months of intensive treatment. It left us drowning with hospital bills, and debts and it cost us nearly $130,000 and is still running. Uncle Dindo left her wife and two daughters, one who is deaf and mute.  Not only that, my Aunt Sam, is also dealing with her Stage 3 Breast Cancer, and it costs us almost $2,000 - $3,000 a week. Her right breast has already been removed. But she is also under close observation. And she was forced to have her unpaid leave at her job, as she needed rest. This also adds up with the financial struggles that we are dealing with too. We have bad healthcare here in PH. And if you are not rich you will die easily.  As for me. After I survived my battle in the Lungs. Tumors have popped up in other parts of my body, most of them are benign(but closely monitored for changes), if there will be malignant tumors again that will also pop out too. If you will see my previous posts, last year there had been a concern about my breast and a surgery was needed, but I decided not to proceed and I went through herbal medication, as it is the most affordable way. They helped me, but some backfired. And I am so afraid to lose a body part. Unfortunately, I got bad pneumonia on-off, and the pain in my right breast is unbearable, after several tests. I am diagnosed with Stage 1. Doctors have already warned me in the past about this. And I also asked for a second opinion, because last year it was just only a close call. I will currently take hormone medication, and another chemo. I do not want another surgery at the moment, if it can be avoided. I have high hopes that I will survive this. I can still do jobs to pay for home and other bills. And be with you all. 

I decided not just to do this campaign alone, but I also made a Ko-Fi Shop to sell digital stickers. With a collaboration and help from a friend, we currently made 11 printable stickers that you can print on the comfort of your home or print shops with a size of 2x2 inches. You can also use the emoji stickers through your streaming channel, please message me through my Twitter, so I can follow your stream. And for those who printed the physical stickers, it would make us happy if you can tag a photo of them through my twitter. You can put them through notebooks, tumblrs….etc.

Here is the link for our Ko-Fi Store.

Please follow me on twitter or here on Ko-Fi for updates. As we are still working on more Sticker designs. We Can-CerVIVE.

I appreciate all the help that we could get. And thank you so much for understanding. Please take good care of yourselves. Never take your health for granted. Health is wealth. And prevention is better than cure.

Love, Jasky(Your Eternal Sprout)

P.S. To my friends in-game don’t worry you will still see me <3 I love you all! Stay happy and smiling.  These are the digital stickers that we are currently selling.

To all my friends, I badly need your help. Please. Thank you. Sorry for tagging you. Reblog and if you can tag your friends too. Thank you for understanding.

@measurelessdreamer @c1a1r3r3df1e1d @samblerambles @nearlybitches @sunhatllama @leonshinkai @shotce @crazyworldhuh @sparkie96 @silvertonguelover @fossil-finder @vietnoodle @irishspringyum @kevinbuiyin @angelspin @thecloudstan @neji-vuldarak @takuyasaeki1001 @valhethella @artofshiroginko @yuko27 @junie-junette @chris-is-not-evil @wuekka @nelyth-v @ya2do @rebrandedbard @tielmamon @signalboostr @mcqraw @risingoflights @travelling-hydaelyn @thedemonofcat @leonisdumbasallhell @litoperezito @priscilla-a-moreno @waywards-thing @chreonweek @heliosani @residentevilx4 @lemonadeswift @prozdvoices @doomednarrative @neil-gaiman @aussiepineapple1st @matchalilly @highball66 @purpledusty @diviedrawn @residenceevil

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for demanding my extended family do more to help care for my grandmother?

Demand may not be the right word but I’ll let you decide.

So some info and context before I get into it. My grandmother is 90 and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in March. She was given 6-10 months to live. I have one sibling and 6 cousins. My grandmother has 3 living children. I am the youngest (23) the other grandchildren range in age from 27-41. My father and I live close to her and my uncle and his two children live like an hour away. Everyone else is roughly 1800 miles away. My uncle and cousins that live an hour away never spend time with her. She sees them like twice a year. They will not pick up their phones when she calls. They have lied to her in the past saying that events were canceled when they were not because they didn’t want her there. Every single time in the past 4 years that I ask them to do literally anything for her they tell if it’s that important I can do it myself. In 2019 my grandfather died so I quit my job and moved in with my grandmother so she wouldn’t be alone. I planned his funeral and did everything I could to help her. I moved out at the end of 2021 because my dad moved in and I can’t live with him. I go to her house at least 5 days a week to help because my dad does very little for her. I am disabled and I have had major struggles due to that. I am the closest to my grandmother because of living with her and taking care of her. However I did not have a good relationship with her until I was 19. My dad is her least favorite child (I’m not exaggerating she literally says this) and she hated my mom and treated her like crap until 2 years ago. She does not treat anyone else like this. She adores my aunt and uncle and thinks their children are perfect and has always had good relationships with them.

Now that you have some more context here’s the situation. I applied for an out of state job in January and got an offer that I accepted the week before my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I was supposed to move at the end of May but I moved it until the end July so I would be able to get her situated but that’s the absolute latest I can put it off for. I’m finally at a point that my health is stable enough that I can start actually building my own life. This is an extremely good opportunity that I’ll probably never get again if I pass it up. I’ve been struggling trying to find time to get all my stuff taken care because I do so much over there. My dad and aunt have now taken to saying I’m being selfish for moving. They say I’m the closest and everyone else has a life (job, relationships, kids etc.) so it’s unfair for me to leave her alone when no one else can help. They also said that I’m going to regret not helping or spending time with her. This is when I started getting really pissed. I told them I have been taking care of and spending time with her for the past 3 years. Her other son that lives 40 miles away can help he’s just choosing not to. I told them that they need to figure their shit out on their own. I said that there’s 3 kids and 8 grandkids and I’m the youngest but someone how I’m expected to do the most and I’m not allowed to have a life but everyone else is. They threw in my face that I’m disabled so any life I try to build for myself will fall apart anyway so it’s not the same as my cousins who can maintain it. They kept saying that everyone is so much farther and I’m being unreasonable. I lost it at this point and pointed out that there’s 3 other people who can be here easily that need to start caring because she’s literally dying. Why would you not spend time with someone you know is dying. Also my cousins that live far are all capable of making a trip her to see her and help for a week or so. They all have very well paying jobs, own at least one home and take 3-6 vacations a year. They have the money and time. They can skip a cruise or trip to see their dying grandmother. This is when I found one of them has been in this state fairly close 4 or 5 times to see a friend and will not tell my grandmother because he doesn’t want to “waste his time off” spending time with her. I told my aunt and dad that they have to figure this shit out on their own because I’m absolutely not giving up this huge opportunity when there is 10 other people that refuse to do shit. My grandmother does not want me to give up this job and stay here. She wants me to go so she can see at least some of life I’m trying to build. My mom is backing me up and saying they need to do more instead of putting it all on me. Everyone else in the family is saying I’m a selfish asshole that needs to suck it up and do what I’m supposed to instead of expecting them to drop everything.

So am I the asshole here???

What are these acronyms?

[cjlouwho]

21, 27 and 30 💜💜

27 & 30 were answered ❤️ ❤️

21. A song that evokes a good memory: Okay, y'all are about to get some religion up in here. There's a song by David Phelps called End of the Beginning that I first heard when I was in the car with my dad. We were actually driving north on the highway, checking to see if traffic was bad should we have to evacuate due to a hurricane (spoiler alert: we evacuated the next day). I was 11 at the time, and he played the song for me, then we repeated it over and over until we got back home.

The memory stuck, and every time a hurricane came we would listen to that song. The year he was diagnosed with cancer, there was a hurricane coming. We had been at the hospital all day and on the way home, he asked me to play that song on my phone just like we'd listened to it for the last 18 years. He drove around the neighborhood so we could listen to the whole thing. It was the last time we ever got to do that, and I'm so glad he asked me to play it. This year, both times a storm headed our way, I played the song alone in my car and belted along to it, and I swear I could feel him beside me.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

on a dime, your whole life can change

or: Ice breaks the news of his cancer diagnosis to his goddaughter 

like father, like daughter masterlist

warnings: swearing, cancer diagnoses, canonical deaths, this picks up right off of a piece i’m still writing, like father like daughter pieces are intentionally small, unedited

word count: 1.7k

Your godfather sighs as he sits down next to you on the porch swing, causing you to glance up from your book.

"How you doing?” He asks as you tuck your bookmark in between the pages, shutting the book softly. You shrug. 

“I’m okay, I think.” 

He hums. “You excited to be back home for a little while?” 

You nod. “Shame it’s for this though.” 

After your Dad’s accident, you had submitted a request for extended caregiver leave to care for your Dad as healed up. The request had gotten approved, no strings having to be pulled on Ice’s part. It would be unpaid, but honestly, at this point in your life, a paycheck was the last thing you cared about. 

Your Dad would be a few weeks out from getting cleared to move back to Miramar from Pensacola so you and Ice had headed home, leaving him under Slider’s watchful eye to get ready. 

It would be an adjustment, you being home with your Dad and uncles at the same time. But it was an adjustment you were willing to make and you were all too happy to be close to them again. 

“I’m excited to have you here though. Gonna make this conversation a little easier knowing I don’t have to send you back out right after.” 

You cock your head. “What do you mean? What conversation?” 

He sighs. “Kid, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this on the heels of what has gone down with your Dad but we- well, really, I can’t hide it from you any longer.” 

You shift, concern growing in your stomach. “Ice, what’s going on?” 

Ice blows out a breath through his teeth, unable to meet your gaze. “I’m really sorry, kid.” 

“You’re scaring me, Ice.” You whispered. 

Ice’s got the same look on his face that he did when he had to be the one to tell you Carole wasn’t getting better, your Dad too distraught after Bradley’s reaction to the news. 

It’s the same cautious look, like he’s going to do his best to keep his goddaughter from falling apart when her whole world has been turned upside down. 

“Okay, just gotta rip the band-aid off.” He whispers. 

It’s unusual to see him like this, which is making the pit in your stomach grow. 

Had someone else been hurt? Was Bradley okay? Had something happened to him? What couldn’t he hide anymore? 

“Kid, I have cancer.” 

It feels like breathing has suddenly become impossible, all the breath being sucked from your lungs in that moment. 

Part of you wants to bite out a bitter laugh, unable to fathom that this is happening again. 

How much more unfair could life get?

“It’s up in my throat. The doctor’s are optimistic. Say they caught it early and that they’re...” 

Ice’s voice drown out as you swallow, unsure of what to do. 

When Carole had been sick, you’d turned to Ice, unwilling to burden your father or Bradley with your emotions about the loss of Carole. They’d needed your support more than they needed your tears and you knew you had to be a rock for them. 

Ice had made you feel safe enough to break down, had allowed you to cry to him more than you ever thought you could. It was a needed support, one you wouldn’t have been able to get through without. 

But this time, it was Ice who was sick. He’d have to go through the hell that is chemo, lose his hair and his appetite, suffer painful surgeries, wither away right in front of you. He couldn’t be there for you, living the diagnosis every day of his life.

Your Dad would be losing another one of his best friends, Slider too. 

And this time, Bradley was gone. There was no comfort or support to be found in his hatred. 

This time, you were all alone. 

-

“How’d she take it?” Slider voice murmurs from the living room. They all thought you were asleep, no idea you were sitting on the stairs in Ice and Sarah’s house. You tucked your head into the fabric of your elephant-covered pajama pants. They’d been a gift from your Dad in high school, unsure of what to get you for Christmas. They were a little goofy, but the sentiment and thought was sweet and they still fit, becoming a pair you slipped on when needing a little extra comfort. 

“Worse than I thought she would honestly.” Ice mutters back. 

“What happened?” Your Dad says. He’d gotten back this evening, a bittersweet arrival. As much as you were relieved to have your Dad near, it’d been tamped down by the knowledge of the fact that he had to have known what Ice was going through. 

How long had they all known and chosen to keep it from you, to walk on eggshells around you? 

Wasn’t this something you deserved to know, that your godfather, essentially your second dad for all intents and purposes, was dying and there wasn’t a goddamn thing you could do about it?

“I thought for a minute there she might start freaking out or crying or get angry or anything but she was just...” He trails off. “She just shut down.” 

“She didn’t talk to anyone for three days.” Sarah says softly. 

“That poor kid probably thinks she’s going to lose everyone important to her by the time she’s thirty.” Slider’s voice sounds. 

“With the way things are going, she might.” You hear your Dad say.

“Over my dead body are you leaving your daughter Mitchell.” Ice rasps out. “Hell will have to freeze over first.” 

“Let’s be realistic here for a second, okay, Kazansky?” Your Dad snaps. “We can be optimistic all we want about the prognosis but she knows just as well as everyone else in this room does that it doesn’t fucking matter how optimistic the doctors are. She watched cancer destroy her only mother figure, who’s to say it won’t destroy you?” 

“Mitchell...” Slider sighs, but it’s too late, the sounds of your Dad attempting to leave the room echo in the hallway. “Jesus Christ, Maverick.” Slider says and the sounds of someone helping your Dad back to the couch can be heard even from your position in the hallway. You can’t stand the thought of your still-injured father trying and failing to stand and leave. 

“We’re all fucking struggling with this, Pete.” Ice snaps after a few moments. “This isn’t easy on any of us. In case you forgot, I was that girl’s main support when Carole passed. I didn’t forget all the nights she crawled into my bed and cried while she was over here.” 

“She needs you Ice, you can’t leave her yet.” 

“Oh, and you think she doesn’t need you?” 

Ice’s words are harsh, full of heat, and you wince again. 

Ice sighs after a few moments. “Pete, I’m going to do everything it my power to be with her. I know what I took on when I agreed to be her godfather. The last thing I would ever want to do is leave that kid alone.” 

“I think we should let the two of you talk.” Sarah says softly, and the sounds of her and Slider leaving the room make their way to you. 

You know you should move, not knowing what would happen if they all knew you had overheard this conversation but you can’t seem to bring yourself to move. 

“Night Sarah.” Slider mutters to the woman as she disappears into her bedroom. Slider pauses as the foot of the stairs when he notices you sitting at the top step. “Kid-”

You stand up, walking back towards your room as Slider’s footsteps follow you. The bedroom door slams behind you, the lock clicking shut, just as Slider reaches it. You can hear him jiggle the doorknob before knocking on the door. 

“Kid, let me in please? Talk to me.” 

You plop down on the bed before anger thrums through you, propelling you off the bed and wrenching the door open. 

“You want me to talk to you? Let’s talk about how it’s not fucking fair I have to lose my godfather over fucking cancer. Let’s talk about how I am in fact, terrified, I am going to lose everyone I love by the time I’m thirty. Let’s talk about the fact that I no longer have anyone I can turn to for support because everyone needs me to support them more than they can handle me being upset. Let’s talk about the fact that I have to be the one to keep it together because-” 

You blink, realizing Slider isn’t the one in the doorframe.

It’s Ice. 

He sighs. “Kid, you’re not alone in this. It’s going to be okay, I promise. You still have so many people in your life who love you and aren’t going anywhere, including me. I’m gonna fight like hell, I promise-” 

You’re slamming the door shut before you even realizing it, the hollow promise striking somewhere deep in you. 

Carole had said the same thing long ago. Look at what had happened. Look at all you had lost because of it. 

A sob escapes your throat as you fall back on to the bed, hand flying up to silence it. 

Your chest physically ached with all the weight you were carrying and there was nothing more than you wanted to hug Bradley in that moment. 

The ache made you angrier, confused as to why he seemed to be appearing in your mind so much lately, how the anger was somehow drowning out underneath the knowledge that you missed him. 

He should’ve been here to comfort you and somehow the thought makes you angrier, your chest heaving as you sobbed. 

Lately, it all felt like drowning. You felt unable to carry the weight of your Navy service, becoming restless in the career you had chosen for yourself. 

The career that had always been laid out for you. 

You missed Bradley and that made you angrier. 

And now, now who’s to say they wouldn’t all become a memory? That you wouldn’t end up all alone? 

Would this ever be over? Would this feeling ever end? 

Underneath the sobs and the heaving of your chest, through the sounds of the knocks on the bedroom door, you weren’t so sure. 

[buckysqueen80]

Warnings; angst and loss

Blessings from Above

The wind blew through the leaves in the trees, as a beautiful red cardinal landed on the window ledge in front of me, starting to sing its song.

I let out a sigh, as I turned around and went back into the room I was in.

Surely a cardinal meant a sign from someone that had passed. And the only person I would have wanted here the most, today of all days, was my father.

Well he wasn’t really my father, but my uncle.

He had been a father figure in my life for a long time, and when he passed away in a matter of months from being diagnosed with cancer, it hit me pretty hard.

I withdrew into myself and closed myself off from everything that once made me happy, including the things I once shared with my uncle.

I started pacing across the room, my hand on my stomach, trying to settle the nerves that were starting to work bile up my throat.

Just as I started pacing back and forth for the millionth time, there was a knock on the door and my friend Aubrey popped her head in, taking note of the room, before walking completely in.

“It’s a packed house, out there!” she said, walking over to me.

All I could do was look up at her and bite my bottom lip to keep it from quivering.

“Hey!Hey!” she said, pulling me in close for a hug.

“It’s ok! It will be ok! Everything is going to be ok Y/N! Nothing is going to go wrong!” She reassured me.

“I wish dad was here. He always knew what to say!” I whispered, letting Aubrey clue in as to why I was upset.

“I know you do honey, but you know he’s going to be here with you today in spirit.” she said, wiping a stray tear that fell down my cheek.

I simply nodded with a sniffle.

“Common, let’s finish getting you ready!” she said, turning me around to sit in front of the vanity.

“You know, you’re going to blow everyone away, right?” she said as she put the finishing touches to my flaming red hair.

The braid she put it in was loose, so whisps fell out to frame my face, and was tied off almost a good three inches from the end so that the loose hair curled on its own.

Just as she was finishing up the final stages of my make up, another knock came on the door, as it opened and in walked in my cousin Jennifer and her husband Steve.

“How’s it going in here?” my cousin asked, walking over to me.

“She had a moment, but she’s good now, right, Y/N?” Aubrey asked me, eyes hopeful.

“Yes, yes, I’m good.” I replied, looking at everyone as their reflections were visible in the mirror.

“Ok, we’re going to make sure that everything is ready. I’ll be back in a bit!” Jennifer said, as her and Steve turned to walk back out of the room.

“I’m going to go double check some things as well. Are you sure that you’re going to be ok?” she asked me, as her hand grabbed the door knob.

All I could do was simply nod.

With that, Aubrey left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts again.

Only this time, I didn’t think of my uncle.

This time my mind drifted back to a year after he had passed.

*** Flash back: Three Years Ago***

I had been running late for work. Everything that could go wrong that morning went wrong.

My car wouldn’t start, and I missed the bus as it zipped past the stop just as I ran up to it.

And to top off the morning, they wanted me to train someone at work.

I really didn’t feel like training anyone but, what can I do?

As I sat down on the bench at the bus stop, waiting for the next one to come along, pulling out my phone to let my boss know that I was going to be late, I suddenly felt something wet seep into the material of my pants.

“Great! Just great!” I said, standing up to see an overturned coffee cup on the ground and the puddle of coffee I just sat in. The only good thing is, I always kept a spare pair of pants at work, so at least I could change when I got there. Not like I wasn’t already going to be late, right?

“Here!” I heard, from out of nowhere.

I turned around, and there was this man holding out his sweater.

“You can wrap it around your waist to cover the stain!” he said.

I looked up and was hit with the brightest pair of ice blue eyes I had ever seen.

“B-but, I’ll just get the wet mess onto your sweater!” I mumbled, finding it hard to tear my gaze away from those mesmerizing blue eyes.

“It’s ok, it’s dark in color, so the stain won’t show.” he said, matter of factly.

“Oh!” was all I could muster in response.

Then it dawned on me that if I had his sweater, how would I get it back to him.

“I, I can’t. I don’t know where I would return it.” I started.

“I can always give you my number, and then I can meet you somewhere?” he says, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

I handed him my phone so that he could input his number, while I tied the sweater around my waist.

When I took my phone back, I looked at the name he saved it under and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Ok, Sweater Guy! I’ll message you once I’ve washed it for you, so you can get it back.” I said, as I felt my cheeks warm.

Just then, the bus pulled up and I got on it, sitting in one of the empty seats, while he sat across from me.

We continued to talk along the way until the bus came to my stop.

As I stood up to disembark, I noticed that he stood up as well.

I chuckled as I proceeded to stop off the bus.

“I guess now you’re following me?” I ask him, playfully.

“I work in this building right here.” he said, pointing to the building in front of our stop.

I couldn’t help but let out a full on laugh, causing him to look at me confused.

“It would appear that we work in the same building!” I said, grinning from ear to ear when the realization hit him.

“Well that certainly is a coincidence, don’t you think?” he said as we started to walk into the building.

“How come I’ve never seen you in here before?” I ask him.

“It’s my first day here. My friend asked me to come work for him. Apparently he wanted to beef up his IT system, and wants me to do it. So I’ll be working on the ninth floor as the new head of IT.” he said.

“Well welcome to the team. I’d ask if you needed a tour around the place, but I think you know your way around this place if you’re friends with the big boss.” I said, offering a genuine smile.

“Yeah, he took me on a tour of this place a few weeks back when he was trying to sell me on the job.” he said as we reached the elevators.

“Where do you work?” he asked, reaching for the up button.

“I work on the seventh floor, in marketing. But today, I’m supposed to be on the fifth floor for promotions and advertising. There’s a new line of merchandise coming up that I need to make sure is ready to hit all the stores before Christmas.” I explained to him, as the doors opened and we both walked in, pressing our respective numbers.

He turned to look at me confused.

“I thought you were on the fifth floor today?” he said.

“I am, but I have to go up to the seventh to get my change of pants, before I can go down to the fifth floor. That and I’m dropping off my stuff because I will need to go back upstairs because I have another meeting later this afternoon, ironically with the boss man, and his new head of IT regarding the launch of our online Christmas catalog. So it looks like we will be working a lot together in the near future.” I tell him, turning to look at him, as I see a huge grin across his face.

“Looks like it’ll be easier for me to get my sweater back after all.” he says, teasingly.

“Seems like it!” I said, feeling my face feeling full on flushed, as the elevator opened to my floor.

He waved at me as I turned back around, just as the doors started to close.

From that moment on, we ended up spending all our lunch time together, and I would pick him up in the morning, starting our daily routine of singing along to songs on the radio and stopping for coffee.

Eventually things progressed to the point where he ended up asking me out, and after an extended period of time, asked me to marry him.

We were going to get married a few years back, but my uncle got sick, and suddenly passed away.

He was there for me during the initial grieving stages, and remained by my side, as I processed everything as well as handle all the matters of his estate.

He was completely understanding about pushing back the wedding,

Life eventually got in the way, and the more things happened in our lives, the further back the wedding was pushed.

That was until one night, after a fight, he asked me if I ever really wanted to marry him.

I realized then what I had been doing, what we had both been doing, and after a long and deep conversation, we decided not to push the wedding back anymore and settled on a date for the upcoming fall.

*****End of Flashback; Present*****

The sound of a knock on the door tears me out of my thoughts.

“Hey, it’s time! Are you ready?” Aubrey asks me, poking her head back in.

I turn around looking into the mirror one more time, smoothing the front of my dress out, as she walks in and puts the veil over my face, making sure it’s all in place.

“As ready as I’m ever going to be!” I tell her, taking my bouquet that she handed to me, as we walked out of the room to the doors I’d be walking through.

Jennifer met me at the doors, a small box in her hand, as she reaches out and hands it to me.

Handing my bouquet over to Aubrey, I take the box from her and open it up.

As my eyes look into the box, they dart back up to Jennifer, as I pull the object out of the box.

Handing the box back to Jennifer, it was a small silver locket, with a picture of my uncle and I on one side, and the two of us on the other.

“I knew you would be emotional without him being here today, so I hope this helps. If you look at the front, there’s one more spot for a picture. You can put whichever photo you want in it. It was your grandmother’s, so it's something old.” she said, helping me to put it on, before fixing the veil again.

I looked down at my bouquet, to see the yellow and blue roses, then touched the bracelet that Aubrey lent me for the wedding.

“All I need now is something new!?” I whispered, trying not to cry.

“It’s waiting for you at the end of the aisle!” Jennifer said, as we turned towards the doors, Aubrey took her position in front first, as the doors opened, and the music played.

I watched Aubrey walk towards the front of the aisle first, and as I moved closer, the music changed to an instrumental version of Ed Sheeran’s Perfect.

As I nervously fidgeted, Jennifer nudged me, and motioned for me to look towards the front.

As I did, my eyes locked onto the brightest pair of blue eyes, that held mine every step closer to him.

When I got to the front, I took his hands in mine after giving Aubrey the bouquet.

As I looked up, I could see tears fighting to spill, and I knew that they were only tears of happiness.

Sebastian leaned forward, and whispered in my ear.

“He’s always going to be proud of you, and he’s watching us from above. You look absolutely stunning, my love!” he said, before lifting my hand to his lips and kissing the back of it.

I couldn’t help the smile that I gave him back.

As we listened to the minister carry on through the ceremony, we turned to look at each other and exchanged both our vows and our rings.

Finally the minister asked if anyone objected, which no one said anything, and then pronounced us husband and wife.

As Sebastian got the veil over my head, he pulled me close with a gleam in his eye.

“I’ll forever be grateful that you accepted my sweater that day!” he whispered, before crushing our lips together, as the crowd erupted.

“You’ll always be my sweater guy, Sweetheart!” I giggle, as we turn and face the beginning of our new life together.

As we walked outside, there were several doves flying over, as a bright and colorful rainbow greeted us.

“I told you he was around!” Sebastian said, pulling me close to him, as people came around to congratulate us.

“Yes, yes he is!” I smiled up to the heavens, before turning back to our guests.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 2, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] i should ask. were you given adequate space and time to grieve your sister’s death as a child?

[grant] no, not really. the rest of my family tried to but i so strongly refused to talk that no matter how much they tried to get me to work through it, i wouldn’t do it. i learned to keep my mouth shut about my grief. i used to be a lot more open about my feelings but that all changed when elizabeth died. i didn't want to anymore.

[grant] and at home, obviously i didn’t talk about it. that’s where i learned to hide my feelings. i wasn't allowed to have any there.

[grant] i remember while my sister was sick, she had to be the one to tell me everything that was going on with her. she even had to break the news to me alone when she was first diagnosed. any time her cancer was discussed in front of my parents, my mom would totally lose her mind and have these super terrifying emotional outpourings, and if i said even like, “oh my god, i'm so sad,” she’d scream at me and tell me she had it worse since she was the parent.

[grant] see, look, i'm trying not to avoid. you have me actually talking about something nobody besides my family knows about. i didn't even tell any of my exes about that part.

[margot] the loss of a child is very painful, but that doesn’t mean the other members of the family don’t suffer as well. siblings, grandparents, cousins...everyone feels the loss intimately.

[grant] i can’t tell you what my dad thought about it all. like he was about everything, he didn’t express his feelings or thoughts at all. i never saw him cry even. he got close at the funeral, but you know, my mom shut down his emotions, too. i know he did love elizabeth and does miss her, but it’s just logical. he won’t say that.

[grant] kelly was the same way.

[grant] you know something else?

[grant] i told you elizabeth had a lot of hopes and none of them came true. for one, elizabeth really couldn’t get away from my mom’s wishes even in death.

[margot] oh?

[grant] so, my sister refused to do any kind of cancer treatment. when they found the cancer, it had already spread beyond the point of no return. she had ovarian cancer but it was all the way in her lungs and everything. even in her brain. a couple months later and it was literally everywgere. and i know, ovarian cancer is not super common in teenagers, but like i was talking about with my cousin the other day, it’s the side effect of a horrible family history with cancer.

[grant] anyway, she didn’t want treatment, and she just wanted palliative care when it got to be too much for her to handle. it took a while because she wasn’t very symptomatic at first. she also didn’t want a DNR and didn’t want to be sent to the hospital if she got sick or something.

[grant] then she got some kind of infection. i can’t really remember what, but it pushed her over the edge and all her organs started failing, and she hit the point of not being in a clear state of mind, and my mom took advantage of that and sent her to the hospital.

[grant] don’t ask me those details because i can’t remember what happened. my sister had a DNR, but whatever was done obviously didn’t break that. still, it was definitely extending her life past what she would have wanted.

[grant] and so she died in the hospital when she wanted to go at home.

[grant] i remember the very moment when she died, too. still makes me feel sick. like when i think about it, i feel like i'm going to die right now in the same way.

[margot] that’s tragic she lost her ability to choose. she deserved the right to die peacefully at home like she wanted. that wasn't fair to her to steal that choice. and, um, were you there when she died?

[grant] i was in there by myself.

[margot] oh, i'm so sorry. that’s...i have no words. i'm so terribly sorry.

[grant] my parents and grandparents did not get along, but my parents, i guess, respected their place in the family enough to call them when my sister was put in the hospital that night.

[grant] my parents left to get them downstairs and my other sister left to get coffee. i refused to leave. you know, actually, i was under the age of thirteen, so it was against the rules for me to be in the ICU as a visitor alone, but no one kicked me out or sent me with them.

[grant] maybe, like, five minutes later, she pretty much suffocated to death and her heart just quit. and she was gone. i could hear my whole family outside arguing about my mom’s decision to put her in the hospital when it happened.

[grant] i very, very distinctly remember how, um, gruesome her death seemed, and that’s it. after that, it’s super blurry. i think i might have cried in the doctor’s arms for a hot second before my grandma came and got me. i think my grandpa bought me some candy from a vending machine to kind of halfway distract me. can’t remember anything else.

[grant] i can still see the worst part of that night in my head, though. even right now. the actual trauma has stayed with me. the image is there. right now. and it won't leave.

[grant] at least she got a nice funeral. it was a horrible, horrible day for me...for all of us...but she got what she wanted on that day. except for maybe what day of the week it was on. the choice of day would hurt her so deeply.

[grant] i'll just say this. i hate birthdays. they’re all ruined for me. every single one of them. all i can think about any birthday is death.

[lifeinthegladhouse]

the unfortunate news was given that my dad's chemo probably isn't working so he "might" have to do 30 day "isolation chemo" (?) which sounds horrible and scary. I want to visit him then if so... I don't want him to be alone for 30 days. I'm terrified he will be abusive to me.

when my mother died, she couldn't hurt me, even though I was terrified to see her. seeing her helpless body waste away from cancer was traumatizing but also released any fear I ever had of her, even though the memory of her abuse will always live in me.

my dad was not abusive like she was but sometimes i think he is worse for ever enabling her to be around me, ever choosing to "raise" a kid with her, comparatively, she had much less choice in her actions than he did.

i dont know what it means or if it will help. i didnt think these chemo rounds would help... i never thought my dad would get better... but hearing the advancing news doesn't help.

especially after watching someone's long term dying lead to hospice and then death and how irreverently it was handled, in this household (my partner's grandmother).

my dad will lose whatever hair he has left and im sure will look unrecognizable in a way.

whatever anger or apathy i have to combat my sense of obligation that shouldnt even really exist... i feel for him. im scared for him. i dont want him to suffer, and i dont know if it's worth going through.

i dont want to sway his decision, im positive he will die from this either way. i dont want to lose time with him, but ive already lost time. he's had 30 years to fix this and he hasnt...

i dont know if i can physically handle the grief of seeing him this way.

he always sounds livelier over the phone than he is, but... he didn't watch his parents die this way.

i will lose both of my parents to horrible forms of cancer (i mean, they're all horrible). at least Gene froze to death and it shocked everyone and he didn't suffer.

we've been iced in for a week here in p0rtland, and i got money back that i "owed" to unemployment when gene died. it felt like, after 3 years, he was helping me,... of all times to get the money back now... itll help me move out of my in laws... but a horrible thought happened... what if it's because my dad is going to go sooner than we thought?

i cant decide, anyways, and ocd is a bitch.

my back is killing me from days of making music and trying to learn mixing and mastering and animation and editing just for the fuck of it to stay sane, entirely diy.

today i cant focus, anymore... im listening to david bowie and crying alone and listening to my stupid in laws talking in the kitchen. i cant mourn here because this is a house of narcissism and enabling. hell, someone DIED in THEIR family and THEY wont/cant even mourn.

if my dad doesnt take the chemo, he will continue to failingly rely on his weekly (or more) blood transfusions. and eventually, he will die. maybe he will choose that to spare himself, and in a way, i almost wish he would, but i cant say i really wish that, ... i wish he was a better father, i wish he didnt have cancer even if he is 73, i dont wish him a sudden death bc itd be jarring but a long way is almost worse. i dont know what i want. i wish he couldve ever cared for me so that i could care for him. but what happened is he didnt care for me, and i care, but i cant care FOR him. i cant fix this. i cant love or unlove or hurt or unhurt it away.

when he dies i will not have any family left.

and then some part of me will be released from this burden of grieving a family that was always "dead" to me, but now, permanently, which will just feel fucked up.

ive spent 3 years grieving mom and gene. then i will grieve him too. when will it fucking end

in spite of this i have to work hard to perservere bc its what gene would want. its what my dad would want even tho fuck what he wants. its what *i* would want if i was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow myself or in 40 years. im terrified.

im tired.

im so goddamn tired

[chronicallymargaret]

the beginning

One morning in February of 2012, my mom had knocked on the door to wake me for breakfast and I told her I didn’t feel well. She went and grabbed the thermometer and it read 102℉. There was a sickness going around the high school at the time, so she told me to take some meds and rest. The next morning, my mom woke me up again to check my temperature and it had barely gone down. I stayed home again and followed the same regime. After my fever finally broke, my body didn’t feel right. I thought maybe I was just overly tired from being sick or maybe it was just the cold medicine wearing off. Eventually, I got to the point where I really didn’t think about the pain because I didn’t want to worry anyone. The family wounds were still healing from losing my first best friend, my grandpa, six years prior to cancer. Plus, I never liked people worrying about me because I knew that no matter what, I would always be okay - or so I thought.

High school was hard enough - let alone having a medical condition that not a single doctor in the tri-state area knew a single thing about. I kept my symptoms away from my parents for a very long time. Eventually, like most parents, they caught on that something wasn’t right with their kid. In December of 2012 along came the typical parental questions: “Margaret, are you doing drugs?” “Come on, kid, just tell me what’s going on with ya.” “Kiley Mae. Sit your ass down and start talking.” And then the never ending conversations and tears started to flow. I explained that, no - I was not doing drugs (I really was quite innocent here, Ma and Pops. Only a couple of times, I swear.). I finally broke down to my parents and told them the truth: Ever since that February morning in 2012, I’ve had a headache and chronic pain nearly every day.

Next thing I knew, my mom started researching and researching and more researching. She tried countless times to get clinics/doctors/specialists - you name it, she called them - to even listen to her. She called Mayo Clinic nearly EVERY DAY - practically begging on her hands and knees to fit me in to be seen by someone, anyone. She was my voice because no doctor or person took me seriously. I was “craving attention, a drama queen, drug addict/seeker, hypochondriac, lazy, not good enough, problematic, selfish, waste of money, time, and space.) I watched my dad’s hair slowly turn more and more gray as he worried about whether he should go to work to make money for the never-ending medical bills or go with his wife and daughter to find out the answers. (I hate how corporate America works. Since when has money become more important than one’s health? It’s disgusting and I wish we could change the system.) I watched my sister lack the attention from my parents that she deserved because they were constantly worried about me. (I am in no way, shape, or form calling out my parents. They have ALWAYS done their best in EVERY situation and that is why I am so proud to call them my parents - my heroes.) My high school friends secretively raised money to buy me a miniature pet pig to try to help make me feel better - my parents appreciated the kind gesture but said no because I needed to focus on my health. (I WILL own a pet pig one day - Dallas has already approved.

I have had a majority of my POTS symptoms under control over the last 10 years, but 2023 really screwed up my body. Due to all of the trauma and stress from not only everyday life, but miscarriages, surgeries, and mental health episodes as well - my body has been in FULL overdrive. I've been struggling trying to keep my life going and trying to ignore my health because I don’t want to give in to the fact that my POTS is getting WORSE and not better like I had been telling myself - and everyone I know - since the day I was diagnosed in July of 2012. Back then - yes, this was a frickin’ decade ago .. totally gross, I know. [“POTS was only seen in approximately 500,000 Americans. (https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2012/0901/p392.html)."] Imagine being 15 years old and you're a literal drop in the ocean of people who have something medically rare. What in the frick are the odds of that?

Flash forward to now, February 2024, I have nearly every symptom back plus new ones. My chronic symptoms are headaches - different intensities and locations, lightheadedness and dizziness, severe brain fog - I try not to drive on these days as I typically forget everything, insomnia, anxiety (omg .. I said the BIG “A” word), and depression (oooopps, I did it again bahaha). My new symptoms are: chronic abdominal pain - intensity and location has varied over approximately three months now, dry heaving, hot and cold intolerance (I told my work mom’s I feel like I’m going through menopause with how many hot flashes I have .. they giggled and said “Ohhh Kiley Mae, you have no idea what you’re in for - this is hardly nothing.” Also, can we talk about how important work relationships are? I love my work moms and work family - I’m very blessed on that front.), and vomiting.

The news that I learned today was that due to the dry heaving and vomiting, I now have a large hiatal hernia - part of my stomach is on top of my diaphragm. I’m currently waiting for a call to schedule a barium swallow test and I have a referral in with the University of Nebraska Medicine with a POTS specialist. I personally believe that I’m going to have chronic headaches and abdominal migraines - but I’m holding onto a little bit of hope that the doctor I currently have is going to confirm that the abdominal discomfort is from the hernia, not POTS. I plan on keeping this updated regularly because after I figure out what’s going on with me - I want to share my path of life so no one has to go through the medical trauma that I have.

Medical trauma is a huge part of not only who I am as a person but talking about it is the therapy that I am working through right now. I will eventually spill all of the emotions, but for today I’m going to talk about today. Because today was a very good day and I deserve to celebrate it.

My parents have become “snowbirds” and fly to southern Texas for the winter. Unfortunately, my endoscope ended up being scheduled while they were gone. I told my parents they didn’t have to come back home because it was a simple procedure, and everything was going to be okay. (Yes, I’m 27 and still take my parents to certain medical appointments because I’ve been hurt - I’m working on it.). I don’t know if it’s because I finally did it by myself or if the staff was told to be extra careful with me or what - but I had the most relaxing experience ever. No one looked at me like I was weird when I stated that I had POTS and would need an extra bag of saline. The first anesthetist actually shared with me that she also was diagnosed with POTS. I immediately got a smile on my face and asked if she was kidding. Coming from a small town, not very many people understood what my diagnosis is and again - I’ve been used to being a single drop in the ocean.

The anesthetist made sure to mark my charts and inform the rest of the care team my condition, what to expect, and what I would need after I woke back up. Anesthesia tends to send me into a flare up - especially with cutting off food and water after midnight. Once I got taken into the operating room, my actual anesthetist started asking me questions about POTS. He stated that he had heard of it, but only until recently. I started to explain how long I’ve had it. Then I just started word vomiting because this was a whole new experience for me - how I just want some answers but I’m sure they wouldn’t find anything. I had already come to terms with the abdominal migraines starting. He looked at me in the sincerest way and said, “Wow. You’re a strong woman. You’ve been through a lot but you’re so cool about it.” That statement right there hit me. I realized in that moment that, holy shit, I’ve persevered. I’ve climbed a huge hurdle today and I can’t wait to keep climbing.

If you've read this long - just know that I see you and I love you.

[breakerwhiskey]

101 - ONE HUNDRED ONE

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

[click, static]

Breaker, breaker, this is Whiskey calling out from…somewhere in Utah.

I don’t expect anyone to call back. I haven’t heard from you in days, Birdie, and you missed our date, so I’m assuming the worst. That you’ve decided you want nothing to do with me, or that—

Well, I don’t think anything happened to you. You’ve survived this long, so unless you had a heart attack and dropped dead—

[click static]

Shit, I really hope you didn’t have a heart attack and die. I’m gonna feel like a real asshole if you had a heart attack and died.

[click, static]

That’s what killed my dad, you know. A heart attack. Dad died of a heart attack, mom died of cancer, which I think makes my family the most statistically average it’s possible to be.

I think it’s fifty-fifty the way I’ll end up going. My life isn’t exactly stress-free and lord knows I’ve smoked enough in life to warrant lung cancer. At least I’ve had the goddamn pleasure of cigarettes. My mom, poor thing, just got fucking unlucky. She should’ve picked up smoking the moment she was diagnosed if you ask me. Enjoyed those last few months.

I used to think I’d die from sheer stupidity. By doing something dumb and reckless. A car accident, getting killed in the course of a robbery, doing the wrong drug.

Not that my drug phase was particularly long. Calling it a phase is probably even a stretch. I think I’ve done exactly two drugs. I prefer booze.

But even being drunk is…I’ve never liked having my objective perception of the world changed. My life has always had too many secrets and too few trusted confidantes, that letting myself get out of control, or slip into a different state of mind always felt too risky.

And now…well, I’m sharing every secret and stray thought I have with the entire world. And my perception of the world has been plenty challenged. Who needs drugs when you can just hallucinate ordinary men in hotel rooms?

[click, static]

I turn thirty-five next week. And it feels young. I mean, when I entered this whole new weird world back in ’68, I wasn’t even thirty yet. Thirty-five felt unfathomably far away. And now here it is, both like I blinked and woke up six years later and also like I’ve lived several decades in that time.

I could have a good thirty years left at minimum. I used to worry that I wouldn’t have enough time to soak up every little bit of the world that I wanted to, that I’d run out of time, die before I was full satiated.

Now I’m not sure what the best case scenario is. I have nothing but time to fill and what used to be an all-you-can-eat buffet is now an empty table. The only food on it is imaginary, the phantom tastes and smells of a world that no longer exists. That’s the thing about being so alone—you just stagnate. We need other people to provide variety, unpredictability. Otherwise we atrophy.

I’ve gotten unpredictability on the road, it’s true. Weird feelings, unexpected roadside attractions, tornado warnings. But I can’t rely on tourist traps and automated weather warning systems to provide all my life’s variety.

That’s what you were giving me, Birdie—one of the things, anyway. Unpredictability. The thrill of not knowing what you were going to say or when you were going to say it. You surprised me. Please keep surprising me.

[click, static]

[leonornaves]

An open love and appreciation letter-post to Taylor Swift:

i know no one is probably going to see this, let alone taylor swift herself, but to be honest i needed you to know the great deal in which taylor has mpacted my life. so here it goes...

dear taylor swift,

your music has impacted me in ways i have never thought someone could.

besides the typical 'shake it off' and 'blank space' discovery in like 2015 i really didn't know much about you and your music. that is until i was 12. when i was 12 years old (around 2018) my dad was diagnosed with leukemia and i found myself numb, really numb. up until that point, i had never had any big issues with my parents... i was happy.

so you can imagine my shock to have my world turned. with that numbness came a necessity to hear/read words from someone who was exactly in the same head space as me, a child of a parent who had a life threatening disease but i could find words that made me feel.

honestly i don't think i was really looking because i didn't want to feel, i didn't want to think about my dad being the same weight as me or the fact that my mom and i were so close to losing him that she started "getting me ready for the worst".

that was until late 2019 almost 2020, when i (re)discovered you taylor. i was suddenly sucked into obssessing over one of the best lyricis and songwriter of my generation. obssesed with analyzing and re analyzing your lyrics and finding more hidden meanings on them (although that came more with folklore and evermore).

your song 'soon you'll get better' (ft. the chicks) is in my opinion your saddest one ever. of course atw and other songs like marjorie and many, many songs are incredibly sad but there is something about the rawness in your voice even when i listening to it that alwyas makes me cry even now!! singing it was not a talented 30 year old famous lady with 2 cats (soon to be 3) and hundreds of awards but a girl, girl so afraid to lose her mother to a horrible and terrifying cancer and what exactly it would entail in her life.

that song, those lyrics... were exactly the words i needed to hear. after that i started to myself feel and take the time to be with my dad who was so close to death that i was starting to wonder what life without him would be like. so close that i, at the time 12, was starting to feel jealous of all the people who got to spend time with my dad because that was time i would never have with him.

during the pandemic, he got so much better and i know how lucky i am to be able to say that. i hope your mom got better too. thank you for making me feel! im now 17, and terified of what i would've been like if i hadn't really taken time with my dad during those days when it felt like the end and he had died. i wouldn't have felt anything. would i still be numb? i don't know. thank you for that.

nowadays my problems are different, i have so many fights with my mom it's toxic at this point, and after those all i want to do is put on my folklore cd and cry. cry for all the bad words said between us. cry for allthat i could be experiencing if my mom would let me grow up. cry for my teenage years. cry for everything.

honestly, i think this letter has become sort of messy. but in the end i hope you, taylor swift, know how much your appreciated and how much your music has saved my from my own life and thoughts. thank you so much for writing something that trully makes me feel like you're there for me, even if a thousands miles away and on tour.

also thank you for finally coming to my country!! my godfather got me tickets ( he survived the great war lol) and i will be on the pit bawling my eyes out to every song, yes even the happy ones, beacuse i just can't believe i will be in the same space as you. thank you for saving me!!

this is super cringy and im crying so much while writing this.

thank you again, love from a forever and always fan <3

@taylorswift @taylornation

[rayshippouuchiha]

Lovely void if I could but drop some of my woes on you... I just got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that's already spread to my bones. It sucks. It FUCKING sucks. I haven't even got past 30 years on this planet and I've got so much to do still. But I've learned that I'm so damn lucky because I have a hell of a support system. Especially with my big brother and his wife. I love them so much idk what to do with myself some days. But this brings me to the thing that in my eyes is worse than a damned cancer diagnosis; my mother. I cut her out of my life a little more than a decade ago for many reasons; her love was conditional, she loves playing the victim, trotted me and my brother out like little dolls pretending we're allll just a big happy family after she walked out on our dad, yadda yadda yadda. But she hasn't spent those years respecting my boundaries, oh no. She would send guilt tripping letters, emails, gift packets etc try and control me through my dad until he passed, try and use any and every family member to get to me. Even said brother. It took his wife years to help him come to a healthy mindset and realize just how *toxic* she was to BOTH of us and for him to start pulling away. He gave her one chance after my niece was born and she blew it. Now with this cancer, I still very much do not want her in my life and probably won't ever. Because my brother, my SIL, have been running interference on my part from her.. *again* and she crossed a major line tonight that made my SIL *SOB*. I'm shaking.. I'm so angry and I just.. I just want her to. leave. me. ALONE. To stop maliciously insulting the ppl I love, to stop trying to divide the family so that there's *sides* to take about MY cancer diagnosis. I'm just so *exhausted*.

Anyways.. I just needed to get that out to a neutral party. Your writing is always so lovely and the vibes on tungler are so very nice and welcoming. Thank you for being so cool.❤️<3

Oh darling, there are no words to give that can express my sorrow to you. Just, I wish you peace and love and hope going forward.

I hate that you and your brother and SIL are having to deal with your mom on top of everything else.

Honestly? If she's causing this much harm, this much chaos? Block her numbers, get a goddamn restraining order, cut her avenues of access off at the knees. Maybe getting served will open up her eyes to the fact that you're done.

I'm glad I can be a little bit of a bright spot darling and again I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

[loulougoingsolo]

Don't ask why I wrote this (thoughts on the latest Ear biscuit)

It's been a good while since I've written down my thoughts on an Ear biscuit episode. I can tell you, there are probably dozens of unfinished drafts saved on my tumblr. I'm determined to post this one - if that doesn't happen, hi, me, from the future, trying to cypher why this text never got posted.

This was the rpisode after Good Mythical Evening, and, as we learn from Link, Rhett is still sick, but I think it's safe to say he's not premused quite as dead as he was during the Streamys anymore. Because of all of my neuroses, I've been genuinely worried for a few days, but I guess it's okay to breathe again.

So, Link was doing the podcast with Jenna, and I have to say, this was an excellent episode. The past few times when Jenna had been on the podcast with both Rhett and Link, the dynamic has been a little off, more confrontational with Rhett and Jenna teaming up "against" Link (which of course is not really the case, but because I tend to see things more like Link than Rhett, I'm often rooting for him). This episode, Link and Jenna have a great discussion as complete equals, and it is really enjoyable.

First, Link and Jenna go through GME and the Streamys, and sounds like they are both proud of Link's performances on both occations. It seems Rhett was pretty sick on the night of GME already. I hope GME 4 happens next year, not just because I've loved every show thus far, but so they get a chance to do one with both guys not sick, and with the technical stuff going as planned.

My heart kinda melted, when Link said he was missing "his dude" at the Streamys, and turns out he had talked about what to say on stage with Rhett. The way he presented Mr Beast's award was epic, but apparently, had they won Show of the Year, something even better would have happened. Next year, maybe.

So, the majority of this episode is dedicated to a solo camping trip Link made (with Jasper) during their summer break. He compares notes with Jenna on why they both enjoy solo travels, and talk about things you gotta do to stay safe while staying in the wilderness alone.

The reason I ended up writing my thoughts about this episode, in particular, is that listening to Link and Jenna talk about how freeing solitude is. I got envious.

The reason I've been so absent from Tumblr and everything else is that with my parents getting older, a lot of my time these days involves me doing things for them. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year, and he no longer has his driver's licence. My mom has had some pretty major health scares in the past year, and it's near a miracle she is currently alive and actually physically functional. As if these things weren't enough, my sister was diagnosed with cancer, went through surgery, chemo and radiation therapy in the past year, too. She is doing better, now, but with my parents and my sister all struggling, I've suddenly ended up being very necessary. And that means, the most time I've had for myself in the past few months has been two days at most, but usually, not a day goes by without someone needing my help. And, I could really use a solo trip right about now.

Link talked about how being alone gave him a sense of being fully in control, and that made him happy. And for Jenna, solitude meant freedom. I can relate to both of these feelings. I've never really been able to be truly myself when other people are around, and it can be really suffocating. For me, it took a world wide pandemic to figure out that I actually like being me, but the problems, the anxiety and stress, emerge when I'm expected to interact with other people. As much control as I have over my own existence, I can't control other people. I've tried, doesn't work.

I csn't wait to see the video version of this episode on Wednesday. Link showed Jrnna a video he had made while watching the sunset with Jasper. I'm not religious, nor particularly spiritual, but if I ever feel connrcted with the universe, it's when I'm in the wild, surrounded by the beauty of nature. One August night this summer, I sat in the dark, staring at the sky, searching for shooting stars. I was alone at that time, apart from a million mosquitoes eating my ankles, and at the same time, I felt free, yet not lonely. And then I heard something crack in the dark, and, because I was in my garden, I calmly stood up and walked inside.

So, yeah, after sll of this nonsensical rambling, what did I actually want to say? Enjoy the little moments in life, alone or with someone you love. If you can, go on a solo trip - and if that is not an option, go outside, look at the stars and breathe. And even if this text probably isn't the best ad for this Ear biscuits episode, listen to it.

[gayluigi]

Adventures in DDNOS:

I’ve discovered two new alters/fragments!! At first, I thought I only had one, Liz (my only named fragment), who’s my protector. I’ve known about her since she took shape when I was in middle school, but she’s had phases where she wasn’t around for a while, or at least not that I was aware. She used to be a “too cool for school” arrogant kind of personality, but now she’s kind of mellowed (if you can call it that) into a brash, excitable older sister. She loves messing with people, and when I’m with my partners, she likes slapping their asses super hard to haze them 🤣 especially my fiancé!! (Once she made me slap my boyfriend’s ass super hard and he was like “DAMN I guess you’re REALLY getting comfortable around me now” 🤣)

So the new parts!!

First we’ve got my customer service alter. They REALLY weird my fiancé out 🤣 They’ll show up and my fiancé‘s like “you’re using your customer service voice again 😒” 🤣 I usually am dissociating pretty hard when they show up when I’m not at work. But I’m really lucky to have them bc they are AMAZING at masking my autism. It’s kinda funny bc sometimes we’ll blip and they’ll disappear for a second and I’ll totally fumble my scripting and get all flustered when I’m at work lolol!!! I only just got a job recently, last week was my first week, and they have been SO HELPFUL!!! They used to base their masking on my older cousin, but now they base it on one of my assistant managers bc her customer service voice is so great. It’s pretty funny whenever I go into work and they’re like “ok it is MY TIME” 🤣

And then I’ve got my little!!! They kinda make me baby talk. Like for example, my dad was getting me a shake from McDonald’s earlier and he asked me what flavor I wanted, and the little was like “choccit” instead of chocolate. I’ve done this for a long while, but I never realized WHY I was doing it. Also, they are VERY shy (and easily embarrassed) and they do NOT like being talked to. Like my parents will be talking to/at me and the little will be SO FRUSTRATED bc they just wanna be left alone. They truly just wanna vibe and play games and do their own thing. They’re the low spoons alter, essentially, and they hold a LOT of autism symptoms. They’re HORRIBLE at masking. They also have a signature stim that I never knew I had until my mom pointed it out today— they like to make the corners of my mouth twitch rhythmically. So that’s pretty interesting.

So with my DDNOS, it’s not like DID. I don’t fully leave the driver’s seat whenever my alters decide to show up. I don’t have amnesia either. It’s like I’m sitting in the driver’s seat, I’m pressing the gas pedal, but the alters have a hold of the steering wheel and are dictating how I behave. It’s like I’m carbonated water, and they’re the syrup that flavors me, if that makes sense. I can’t think of a better analogy at the moment. So that’s why I haven’t really been able to identify my alters before. I just thought I was in Really Weird Moods, but now I’m discovering identifiable patterns of behavior that are making me realize that they’re actually alters.

I’m not actually diagnosed with DDNOS yet, and I’m not sure I’m GOING to seek a diagnosis due to the societal detriments that professional diagnosis can bring. I know I dissociate, I have for a long time. I once spent an entire year or so in a severe dissociative state after a traumatic event (losing my friend Jaydan to cancer when we were both 18). It was really bad. So I know I dissociate, I know that’s part of who I am. I just didn’t really realize I had alters until super recently. It’s pretty cool, realizing that there’s actually a REASON for this and it’s not just me having incredibly wild shifts of mood/behavior/mindsets. I could never figure it out! But now I know!! It’s really cool.

And now I’m not the only non-system in my polycule 🤣🤣🤣 I’m not the odd one out anymore!! That’s fun hahaha!! I’ve found that brainweird people tend to find each other. Most of my friends are neurodivergent in one way or another.

[battymoonflower7]

ID: A post titled "This is the letter my neighbor sent me after I let him babysit my pets while I was on vacation [OC]" followed by a picture of the letter on a piece of unfolded white paper that reads as follows:

Good afternoon,

This letter is regarding your vacation two weeks ago, and how you let me babysit Smokey, Oreo, and Jennifer. I’d just like to give you a letter of thanks. As you know, I’m an old man. You don’t see me outside often anymore, as these joints arent’ as lively as they used to be. To add to that, two years ago, in the midst of the pandemic, my dad got diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. After his death, I was left alone in my home. I don’t have a wife or kids. I could go to sleep one day and never wake up again. Every day is spent just sitting around and wondering what I have done for this world.

Until I met Smokey, Oreo, and Jennifer.

Your pets are the cutest, funniest, and most troublesome (In a good way, don’t worry, they didn’t mess up the house too much!) individuals. They gave me the motivation to restart my life again. I started waking up early in the mornings. I began to take walks outside with your pets for the first time in years. Every 10 minutes, whenever I felt sad for a second, they would bark or rub against my leg and make me laugh.

The highlight of their stay was when I took them to the park. It was the longest time I’ve spent outside in a while. It didn’t just bring back pet interaction, I also met other people, started talking, and made friends with a handful of fellow human beings. I was so happy to be able to talk with friends again, interact with others, and feel like I’m part of the human race.

I realize I sound very existential right now, but I’m telling the truth. It’s nice knowing that I’m doing something for someone, even if it’s my neighbor.

I adopted two pet dogs soon after. (You may have been hearing noise from my home, pardon them!) I now take regular walks to the park with them and talk with friends I made there. Anyways, I’d just like to say: thank you so much. You brought back meaning to my life. And that’s all that matters.

Sincerely,

Robert (P.S. I think it’s time for you to mow the lawn, haha!)

End ID