#I've only told like 3 people here what my childhood was actually like

[dogearedheart]

🏞🏞🏞

[s12-kittie]

Imprisoned feelings: the fullest analysis of the Trix I ever wrote

For the sake of writing normal fanfiction, I've given the Trix a lot of thought and now I'm preseting you my thoughts about why they're... the Trix. I'll try to observe only the facts given in the series (I'm not taking the facts from the comics, bc firstly, I didn't read all the comics and secondly, some info in the comics is right the opposite from the info in the series and movies) and not my headcannons, but it's going to be really hard XD

Actually, I think that the Trix are kind of a phenomenon among other witches. Griffin once mentioned that witches don't work in groups and here we have... witches working in the group, which acually rarely splits up. But I don't think it's because they experience some sisterly (or any other kind of) love, bc they are way too selfish for that and when the situation gets dangerous, none of them would risk her life to save the other. (Okay, Darcy and/or Stormy might do that for Icy, but I'll explain that possibility later.)

Yet they think about each other. In season 5, Darcy and Stormy left Icy, putting their comfort in the first place, but before that they kept trying to make her change her mind (stuff about Icy and Tritannus is in my other article) and came back for their sister in the very end. In season 3, Valtor (as I believe) tried to break the Trix up, but in the end they were still working together as a group. So, the Trix are mentally attached to each other, though they care more about themselves (or about Psychofish (sorry)).

To me, that attachment means two things. Firstly, they've spent a lot of time together, bc I believe that such a firm bond simply can't be formed during the 2.5 years they've been studying at Cloud Tower. And sevondly, they didn't have a loving family/families, which could show them a good example of how people should communicate. That moves us to the next conclusion.

Although all three of the Trix are different, they have something in common. They all are sadistic and very naive. I think that it all comes from their childhood. As I said, no-one of their family members/caretakers actually loved them. Also, I think people who raised the Trix, prepared them for what they've accomplished, I mean stealing the Dragon Flame and ruling the world. In season 1, when Icy was explaining it all to Bloom, I had a clear impression that she was repeating the words the had been told. So, yeah, I think the Trix were constantly told about their future mission, smth like "you're the future and the only hope of this world/our ultra evil community/etc", apply puberty to that stuff and you'll get the "we are the baddest people here" POV, bc for real, these three didn't even take headmasters of the schools seriously, which, btw, were powerful and experienced sorcerers, who fought Valtor, Darkar and other ☆amazing☆ people. So, the piont is, the Trix were made naive and cruel. Aaaaand here we move to the "imprisoned feelings" thingy.

(Another fact that confirmed they were raised to carry out the mission of world domination: they are used to be the right-hand. They easily team up with Darkar, Valtor, Tritannus, Serina (okay, in the last case, Serina was the right-hand, but they still worked with her instead of taking her book for themselves, which, btw, I can't explain). So, it may be possible that since the very beginning of the story, they tried to fulfill the task they were given by their parents/caretakers)

So, the Trix were raised as the killing machines. I believe that it also ment they should've been heartless. But they're still human beings, who do have some feelings inside them. So, what do they do? Right, they suppress these feelings.

Remember how quick were Icy and Stormy to laugh at Darcy bc of her feelings for Riven (season 1)? Or the reaction of Icy and Darcy when Stormy mentioned them as her 'friends'(season 3)? I think it all happened because they were taught that positive feelings are ridiculous and make one weak. And that's why they never tried to show it.

Cloud Tower made things even worse. This is where we should thank Griffin (no), who always mentioned aloud about her how much she dislikes "those fairies who always care about the others." (Not a quote, but she could've said smth like that.) So, the Trix get a clear pic: on one side, there are fairies, disgustingly-glittery creatures who are always caring cheerful and therefore weak. On the other side, there are cruel, heartless and cool witches, who will win this rivalry in the end, bc they're not afraid to play dirty (why are they nit afraid?? BC WITCHES DON'T KNOW WHAT FEAR IS- oh sorry, I got a little too carried away XD)

There also might be one more aspect. Icy, who is obviously the leader type, seeing the relationship between them and their parents/caretakers, began to treat her sisters the same way, so Darcy and Stormy were really afraid of her, even though the three of them might've had equal powers. And because of this fear, they would do anything for her. That's why sometimes they risked their lives for Icy (the end of season 5 and the end of season 8).

I wanted to write about each of the Trix here as well, but this shit is already way too long, so another time :)

P. S.: sorry if there're any mistakes, I'm done checking this

[clfixationstation]

ships that make me go absolutely insane

Ranked from most insane to least

EREMIN (AoT: Eren x Armin)

the entire time I'm watching them my brain is "they're just like me fr" they make me feel as if I'm tearing apart. Oh the shared dream, the ruin, the raw honesty cutting through layers of deception, the way they end - it's too much. I saw myself so much in their dynamic something about queer childhood friends to lovers. something about living in that in-between...also aspec Eren real. You have NO IDEA how much analysis I've written about them. The slow corruption of their shared dream, the way Armin knew Eren best, the way Eren looks at Armin :( "And in the corner of your eye / I saw a dream that never died" - Aurora

Catradora (SPoP: Catra x Adora)

First canon queer ship I watched <3 both healing and painful at the same time, it tapped into something deep I had forgotten long ago. The sort of relationship where you're really close but there's a gap you both feel and won't address for fear of your own feelings and about losing each other (both eremin & catradora) but then they're able to actually close it!! To see each other as they are! Do you understand how much hope that offers?! To be seen and be told your fate is not tragic? I have also written so much analysis about them. "You're the only friend I need / Sharing beds like little kids / And laughing 'til our ribs get tough / But that will never be enough" - Lorde

Cassunzel (TTS: Cass x Rapunzel)

*gasp* a ship that isn't queer childhood besties to lovers? But bro the YEARNING. Oh it hurts so bad. Also the aesthetic is simply divine. I'm ranking it here because it was very impactful for me some years ago, though I'm not into it enough right now to deliver a thorough explanation. Also I'm pretty sure Cass is a canon lesbian? Massive W. idk, something about shipping noncanon queer ships that gets me. "I'm sick of the sun / Can't trust anyone" - Poppy

Nuts n Dolts (RWBY: Penny x Ruby)

Idk they just cared for each other so tenderly and then Penny died twice and Ruby couldn't save her either time. Ow ow ow. THE doomed yuri. I love to hc both of them as aspec, & both are very neurodivergent-coded (because that is what I am). I'm drawn to the comfort, security, warmth, and the angst. There's also just something very bright in their relationship that draws me in, similarly to eremin. seeing each other in such a golden light while resenting themselves perhaps? the way they look at each other & hold each other so dear? "A chance to share the world / To be a girl who finally felt alive" - Friend, RWBY

Bumbleby (RWBY: Blake x Yang)

Holy shit the yearning! Blake abandoning Yang AND THEN COMING BACK AND STAYING. Protecting each other :') Healing together. It's just so sweet and powerful I can't help but adore it. I remember watching the first 2 seasons when I was little before I knew gay people existed, and shipping them even then. ngl I really want to go rewatch earlier seasons through a sapphic angst/yearning lens. "I made a vow, I'm not alone / Not dying now, we're protecting our own" - Nevermore, RWBY

[soft-pine]

i don't think i will ever get tired of talking about the pilot. i love the lighting contrasts, the geometry, the shadows. i love seeing a glimpse of dean as just a kid. i love/loathe the moment we see his childhood end. i love how rude he is to cops. i love the woman in white who killed her two children and now she can never go home and you see the thing is john winchester can never go home well because he... i love the way even this early in the show you see how dean is responsible for food and money and throwing his body on the line. i love the moment at the end of the episode that parallels the opening. except instead of baby sam lying in john's arms, unknowingly waiting to be pulled into a life of hunting, you find dean walking up to sam and waiting to hear what it is sam wants to do....

on the pilot's anniversary, i ended up watching a DVD rip which i'd never seen before and realized there are a few crucial moments they re-sequenced/cut for streaming releases. (breakdown here). but the only scene which is longer on streaming is dean's cocky smile fading as he's handcuff on the hood of the cop car. the DVD one just cuts the moment he's slammed down. i think this moment is so formative for me understanding the cracks in dean's facades. here's the streaming version.

another moment that stops me in my tracks is dean's face after the sheriff throws john's journal down on the table.

we get about three seconds of this face. dean reckoning with the reality that 1. john isn't here, 2. this isn't the case john is potentially in trouble on, and 3. he already has a new assignment for dean - "same old ex-marine crap." There is so much hidden in this dead-eyed expression that just lingers until dean can put back on the bravado.

I've said for a long time that I think Dean realizes in the pilot (right here in fact) that John isn't actually missing - not in a way that urgently needs Dean and Sam's help to find. I do think Dean wants to find John and is looking for him in a sense. But it's Sam who's the driving force behind the active search for the rest of the season. Sam wants to call the Feds. Sam wants to go to California to find John. Meanwhile Dean... gets assignments and tries to follow them.

dean has lived his whole life with this john. this combination of incomplete information, do what you're told, and absence. and this moment is so heartbreaking. cause this time dean was really really worried that john was actually in trouble. so much so that he went and got sam. but no, it's just the same old shit.

what we can put together from this episode alone is that john just left the woman in white case partway through to look for something else. in fact, given this context, the message dean plays for sam at the beginning of the episode sounds like john was starting to head out even while in close proximity to the woman in white.

what we can put together from context beyond this episode is that as soon as john catches azazel's trail, he dips on every other hunt he'd ever even thought about. he leaves this case unfinished (which directly results in another death) and leaves his journal behind. charitably, we know john did mean for dean to continue hunting the cases he himself no longer wanted to work on. but over the course of the show, we find out just how many unfinished cases the journal contains. including, infamously, some masked vampires.

i love that we get such a specific contrast between dean "we save a hell of a lot of people doing it" and john's single-minded revenge quest. like okay that's the show, let's fucking go!

[kaccvcate]

GREETINGS FROM MEOWTER SPACE.

In my travels I've come to find that I have an extremely strange family background. I'm going to be talking about it in some essays, which may contain descriptions of abuse and neglect. Here's the first one (it's long as fuck.)

On my mom's side, my great great grandmother was Creek. She was alive when I was born, and we briefly met. She was over 125 years old (nobody knows how old exactly.) The men on that side, who were all Scottish, died in their early 40s, except for my grandfather, who left when my mom was a kid. (I met him once, but my mom didn't want me to be around anyone Christian as a kid, so I never met anyone else on that side of the family.) I barely know anything about my Scottish ancestry, although growing up we called the native grapes "bullises," which is a Gaelic word for plums (they're also called muscadines, but I don't know what the truth is anymore.)

My family were subsistance farmers since before colonization, until my grandma became a schoolteacher. Our family moved to what would later be the Free State of Jones from what would later be Alabama, though I'm not sure why. During the Civil War, people in Jones county refused to fight, since nobody owned slaves in the area, and it was declared a Free State. My grandma lives in the Free State, in abject poverty with my uncle and his wife, who just scream at each other and beat their kids and neglect their 15 hoarded dogs all day. And if they have a problem with me saying so, they can eat shit and die.

My mom went to school for anthropology, and taught geology at the University of Southern Mississippi. She was extremely ashamed of how poor our background is, and I wasn't allowed to visit family much, although I wanted to very badly. I got to live with my grandma and my two adopted uncles who are around my age for a little while when we were kids, and they're some of the only positive childhood memories I have. I was extremely isolated and abused, especially by my step dad, who is currently (to my knowledge) employed as a programmer at a major video game company, as well as being a child molester starting when I was 2 or 3 years old (some of my earliest memories.) His name is Rigel Cameron Freeman. I ran away when I was 16 to live with my dad. When I told my mom what he did, she called me a liar and quit speaking to me, and that was the last I heard from her directly. So far as I know, she's been in mental hospitals pretty much since I left.

My dad's mom, whose first name was Ellen, was Ashkenazi Jewish, descended from a family who left Germany before the holocaust. She was a beatnik who was friends with Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsburg, and she had personal beef with Grace Slick over a boyfriend. My dad's first guitar was a gift from Cat Stevens, although this was something he was a little embarrassed about and only mentioned to me once. She was especially close friends with Tiny Tim. She was in California trying to break into acting, and almost got a part in the Godfather allegedly (actually all of this is alleged by my dad, I only met her once. He really didn't like her, so I don't think he would make it up.)

Then she met my grandfather, Bob Marshall, who was probably in California to do drugs (sacred family tradition.) I have reason to believe he was mostly Choctaw and possibly Irish, although on that side of the family it's traditional to claim to be "French or Italian" unless you're very drunk, and then it's okay to be Indian. They moved up to Alaska and lived on the Athabaskan reservation, where my father, Rogan Russell Marshall, was born on April 19. Later, my grandfather became a civil rights lawyer, and he defended the right for prisoners with AIDS to be desegregated (basically anyone with AIDS would die in solitary before that.)

My dad got into Emerson, dropped out because no one could afford textbooks, moved to Mississippi and started this crazy punk band, and then went ahead and wrote some movies anyway. My favorite is called the Attic Expeditions, it features Seth Green, Jeffery Combs, and Alice Cooper, and it's very trippy and fun. Unfortunately, he became disabled from the same autoimmune condition I have, ankylosing spondylitis, which, if you're born male, has much more severe symptoms (which is why I chose not to start testosterone.) AS used to be thought of as genetic, but has recently been linked to environmental pollutants, and I was likely exposed to something released by one of our many chemical factories (my uncle who abuses his kids and dogs is adopted, I mentioned earlier, grew up in my grandma's house when we were kids together, and has the same symptoms, and multiple people who lived on the same Hattiesburg street as my dad in the 90s were diagnosed.) He was living in Massachussetts in his mom's basement when he married my step mom, a public defense attourney, to get health insurance, and they lived in Miami for eight years together until she left him, shortly after I moved in.

After that, I had to drop out of high school, and I lived in hell for about seven years while I worked full time, usually multiple jobs, to take care of us, and all the cats he would bring home (as many as 13, but I ran my house like a cat ranch and it was kind of beautiful.) His physical and mental health was dogshit, he wouldn't stop doing hard drugs, and our relationship was so hopelessly abusive that I had to quit speaking to him as well. My feelings are complicated because, while I love and admire his work, and he taught me a lot of extremely valuable and positive things, the things he did to me would put him in prison if I believed in the law. I owe him everything, and at the same time, I almost wish we'd never met (I'll have to talk about that in another post as well, because it's a lot, and exremely heavy.)

My third parent, Scott Panther, I honestly don't know very well. According to local legend, and there are many about him, he's Scottish and Cherokee. He was close friends with my parents before I was born, helped start Rong (and probably came up with the best ideas for it.) He was my mom's boyfriend for a long time before I was born.

My mom met Scott and Rogan at a Rong show, I was conceived after a Rong show (Scott drove Rogan to her house), and the night I was born there was a Rong show. Scott was overdosing when my mom went into labor, and I was born at 4 AM while multiple tornadoes passed through town. Later that night, he was ready to play the show (hats off). No one told Rogan I was born, though in the full video of the show he mentions the other people in town who were born on April 18. Unfortunately, the video is probably lost - he gave all the Rong tapes to someone I don't know, and he didn't say who (he may have even been lying and threw them away.)

I inherited a lot of personality traits from Scott, as many people who know us have noticed, although I gained them not through direct teaching, or through any modern understanding of genetics. I've read that before colonization these kind of things were more common and better understood.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Do you think you could be autistic? No hate just wondered as I am too and I relate to a lot of what you say

Oh my anonymous friend, you don't know the can of worms you have opened haha. I am going to ramble here so just be prepared for that.

When I was little my mum did actually think I might be autistic. Predominantly because I played in an unusual way. I would line my toys up on the window sill and my grandmother's display cabinet thing. I would get furious at people if they moved my toys because they all had their own spot. And the only time I touched the toys was to move them from the cabinet (their home) to the window (the school). The rest of the time I would just stand still, stare at the toys, and wiggle my fingers. They called it "zizzing" - now it's called stimming, I guess - and they knew that was a sign of autism so my mum and my grandmother did wonder about it. But I had two things going against me: I was a girl and I was born in the early 90s. This was during the peak of the idea autism was the "extreme male brain." It was seen as being predominantly a male diagnosis. You probably know that. And there wasn't much understanding so our reference point would be people like our family friend who always looked at the ground, was obsessed with trains, had limited speech and would scream if anyone tried to touch him. Whereas while my family were still thinking about the autism thing I started school and I was academically strong, I had a small group of close friends and at the time - because of the gender disparity - girls only really got diagnosed with autism if they had some kind of very obvious speech delay, they weren't doing well at school, they had no social connections with their peers at all etc. So basically everyone just forgot about it. I got called a drama queen a lot, that was it.

Fast forward to my teens and my mental health was really bad. It got worse at university because I didn't have the routine and structure of school, I didn't have my mum cooking and buying food etc. I was diagnosed initially with depression and anxiety. After a while it was clear that wasn't right so after much fighting I got a diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder. Now you may know this but there is an overlap in BPD and autism symptoms and women are often misdiagnosed with BPD later in life because as children their autism wasn't picked up (because diagnostic criteria is still geared towards how it presents in boys and psychologists and psychiatrists don't always delve into motivations and thought processes). I found that out in my mid 20s but thought "nah I probably don't have it, I don't have special interests and I don't struggle with x, y and z." However, my mum became really interested in BPD after I was diagnosed and did loads of research, listened to podcasts on it. And she told she was listening to one podcast where someone was diagnosed with BPD but then they discovered it was actually autism. My mum said to me that the way she described herself in childhood was exactly how I behaved, as if I'd been the one speaking. And so that got me thinking and that's where I have been stuck over the last few years. I debate with myself constantly what's going on in my brain and I truly don't know. I regularly have epiphanies where I think "oh that thing I've done all my life is incredibly autistic." But then I think maybe it's actually BPD. And I just go round and round.

I identify as neurodivergent, regardless of what diagnosis I have. Some neurodivergence paradigms do recognise severe mental illnesses like BPD anyway, but I've realised that if you put aside the BPD I still have chronic problems with ordinary tasks and situations. And I used to think it was just because I was young but I'm 31, almost 32, and it isn't normal to take 3 months to make one phone call because you just can't make yourself do it! Most people don't find it this hard to take basic care of themselves.

[misery-loves-company-au]

Misery Loves Company Chapter: 3

Warnings: implied childhood trauma, body horror???

(Idk if I would count a certain scene as body horror but looking in from the outside some would classify it as such, better safe than sorry!)

Words: 3,385

Oswald anxiously made his way past crowds of people, the live studio audience being dismissed after a show. It was a show he was invited to by his friend, it marked a milestone in Felix's career. The day held something else equally as special for them as well—or rather, their friendship. It had been exactly one year to the day that Oswald had met the wonderful cat, at first both parties were incredibly shy and only talked when their executives wanted them too. After opening up a bit they started talking about things other than work, interests they had, hobbies, what they hopefully one day would accomplish after being popular stars. All that had built into a genuine bond, a bond that was close, probably a lot closer than what should have been acceptable in the day and age. That didn't bother either though, at the end of the day they were friends and nothing stood between them. Which is why Oswald was so surprised when not only did Felix demand he show up to this show, but to meet him backstage after it was done. The rabbit always attended his friend's shows whether told to or not, but what alerted him to this being more than serious was the entire demeanor his friend held. Felix simply wasn't himself in that moment, the cheery and playful toon spoke ominously about needing to show him something, serious wasn't a good look on the cat and if actually startled him to see it. He listened though, it felt like he had to listen and see whatever the feline wanted to show him since it seemed to be rather dire.

"Hay Felix!" Oswald called out into the empty gray walls of a hall. Dressing rooms lined the corridor, props, chests, and racks of clothing were also dotted about yet there was not a soul to tend to them. This was a set and a show had just wrapped up, yet not a crew member in sight.

"Keep your voice down!"

Oswald's ears twitched at the sound of his friend's muffled voice shouting at him further down. Immediately running down to where he knew Felix's dressing room, he brought his voice down to a whisper and talked through the door "sorry Felix, um where is everyone if you don't mind me asking?"

"Had them look for a glass hammer for me, ya know just something to keep it just us here"

"Oh well that makes sense" Oswald looked around, still nobody there "... Now why shouldn't I yell again?"

"I think my manager is still around back and I don't want him hearing us, he doesn't know your back here and I don't think he wants you talking to me at all"

"Yeah I can tell" The rabbit crossed his arms and huffed "he pulled me aside a few times and legitimately threatened me if I didn't cut contact with ya, at least my company allows me to be a person"

"Yeah... That's kinda why I wanted you to come here Oz..."

Oswald's ears twitched again, that unnatural, almost urgent, way Felix spoke unnerving him to no end. Taking a step closer to the door he couldn't help but feel it had to be important considering the cat was still in his dressing room and not speaking face to face. The door separated them both and an eerie silence fell over both toons, while Oswald was worried for his friend Felix couldn't help but be worried as well. His worries lied within what he was about to confess, it felt like for so long he had been living his life as someone else and if he really wanted to be friends with someone he would need to be open. No matter how many producers told him to hide it he had to show the rabbit something no audience member of his ever would get to see.

"Oz... We're friends right?"

Oswald raised an eyebrow, the question rather silly to him "I mean... I would hope so? If we were strangers than I have confessed a lot of stuff to someone I don't know"

"Exactly, we've been friends for a year and it feels like I've just kept you in the dark about who I am, you've told me so much about yourself and I- I- I-"

"Breathe, Tommy, don't forget ya need oxygen" Oswald joked, taking on Felix's usual role as the lighthearted jokester.

The joke actually got a quick laugh out of the cat, taking a moment he did as he was told before continuing on "thanks for that Oz, as I was saying though: It hardly feels like you know me and it's unfair in my book"

"Oh come on Felix, I know you don't like talking about yourself" his ears lowered as his mind lingered on the very brief details he was given, passing comments made by the feline being enough to piece that whatever Felix went through it sure wasn't the prettiest "If I made you feel like you need to tell me something I'm sorry... We all got secrets we gotta keep and I'm sure you have a few that I probably don't need to know"

"But that's why I wanna tell ya, it feels like my whole life has been a lie and if I want us to keep talking I gotta be up front about something" Felix clasped his palms together, bother hands being incredibly sweaty as each word that came out his mouth felt heavier on his tongue than the last "if I show off something you won't... Like me any less right?"

"Like you any less? Even if I did like you any less you'd still be my number one" Oswald pressed his hand to the door, feeling the wood beneath his fingertips as he spoke softly "Felix whatever it is you can trust me"

The cat's heart leaped hearing those soft words from the rabbit. For Felix this was more than big, this was giant and he didn't know how to feel. On one hand it felt like a weight was about to be lifted off his shoulders, finally being comfortable enough to admit something made him more than happy. At the same time however his mind filled with worries of what would be the consequences of this. By far the scariest anxiety driven thought he had was that Oswald would hate him for whatever reason, garnering hatred from the one person he had as a friend would break him. Despite this thought and every other negative thought he still had to go through with it, he owed it to Oswald for being there for him after all this time.

"Here goes nothing..." He murmured to himself before becoming audible to the buck once more "Alright Oz one thing at a time... For starters I suppose I should say this, like this here voice? It's far from what I sound like really"

"Ya don't say?" Oswald didn't fully believe it, tapping his foot against the floor he anticipated what this supposed "real" voice sounded like "Mind showing me your truth then?"

"Don'tcha mean hearing my truth?"

Oswald rolled his eyes "Alright smarty pants—mind letting me hear your truth then?"

Felix cleared his throat and pressed his back up against the door, his friend right on the other side waiting for him. Swallowing the ball in his throat the cat began a simple voice exercise he was taught in order to maintain the cheery facade that he used nonstop.

"Felix the cat! The wonderful, wonderful cat! Whenever he gets in a fix he reaches into his bag of tricks!" As he continued his voice slowly lost its charm, growing more raspy "Felix the cat! The wonderful, wonderful cat! You'll laugh so much your sides will ache, your heart will go pitter-pat!" it was far too late to stop as much as he wanted to, with nothing left to lose he ended the exercise speaking in the all natural voice he was born with "when you're watching Felix! The wonderful cat..."

Oswald was dead silent with wide eyes, the voice that came through the door was alien and unfamiliar. It had to be some sort of joke, after all he knew Felix for a year and never once did the feline ever once speak like that. Whatever that was! He knew better than to doubt his friend though, the transition from the jolly tone he was known for to the rough hoarse one was absolutely seamless, trained. As bizarre as it was, he knew deep down it was the truth.

"Felix I-..." Oswald rubbed his head, at a loss for words "why are you telling me this now? I thought... I-... I don't understand? Why have you been using a fake voice to talk to me all this time? I understand on camera or in public but when it's just us..."

"I know! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Felix husked out, no longer bothering to use his fake voice "I just... When I was hired my voice wasn't what they wanted so I was told to hide it, do you think kids would like to follow the adventures of someone who sounds like this!? I sound like a demon for christ's sake yet this is just how I was born!"

"you were told to just... Not sound like yourself?" Oswald turned his attention away from Felix's voice, focusing more on the absolute baffling ramifications that caused the cat to hide it "That's awful! Felix I'm so sorry you had to deal with that- I mean this in general! You shouldn't have to put up with people wanting you to be someone your not"

Felix let out a sigh of relief, Oswald had taken it better than he expected "thanks Oz but... That's not the only thing I've been hiding"

"Well, can't be as bad as your voice right? What else do you keep under wraps"

"This... This is a lot worse than just my voice actually..." Felix looked down to see his hands, both vigorously shaking like a ship going over waves "to beat around the bush for a bit, I don't exactly look as good as I do on camera... I cover up my face"

"you use make-up?" Oswald scratched his head "That's a lot less of a reveal, just a bit embarrassing for you more than anything—actually I shouldn't be throwing stones in my glass house because I also have used it cover up blemishes on my fur-"

"No, no, not makeup, I mean I genuinely cover up my face... All of it"

Oswald stared at the door blankly wondering what on earth his friend meant. "...what?"

"Listen Oz, why don't I just show you, just–promise me you won't... I dunno... Tell this to anyone else? If this gets out I'm ruined"

"Felix, as my best friend you can count on me to keep whatever this is safe between us..."

Felix awkwardly muttered out "Righty-O" as a response and went quiet.

Not wanting to keep his friend waiting, Felix began to peel off the disguise he wore, it was the very first time he'd be without it since he was hired. The mask he was given was special, catered just for him and his tooney ways so that when wearing it he would be capable of a variety of expressions otherwise unobtainable. Looking in from the outside one would consider the mask a blessing, not only did it hide his hideous real face but also acted as a sort of prosthetic, substituting his defect. Wearing the face combined with putting on a fake voice took a toll on him, more and more each day he found the toon that looked back at him when he looked in a mirror to be simply not him. He had no regrets, even when hearing the distinct sound of the glue trying to keep it on he pressed on. Using claws to dig into the faux flesh, he tore it clean off prompting the rabbit on the other side of the door to jump at the startling sound. Oswald flinched at the sounds, he was about to open the door to see if his friend was alright when the cat already did it for him.

The door flung open, the silence was filled with the loud creak of the hinges as the rabbit finally saw what Felix really looked like. His eyes traveled all over the cat's face—or rather— the lack thereof, he had no face! It was just an exposed skull holding two eyes with ears attached on top. A hole lay where his nose should be and his teeth were sharp, far beyond the normal fangs cats should have. Whatever was in front of him resembled a walking corpse more than anything and he didn't believe that the same feline he knew for a year was what stood there. Just like when Felix spoke though, Oswald knew better than to doubt it. Despite looking nothing like the toon he knew, the eyes that met his held a familiar sparkle, a shine that gave it away. It was Felix all the same, even in his less than glamorous looking state Felix—his best friend—was standing before him at his most vulnerable.

Felix's bony lower jaw moved as he looked away from Oswald, shame filling him from the buck's gaze "oh god Oz... I'm... I'm so sorry you had to see me–had to see this! Ack!" He face palmed "I don't know why I do such stupid things!"

"No..." Oswald closed the distance and hovered his hand over Felix's cheek "umm... May I uhh..."

Felix looked to see the rabbit wishing to touch him, hesitantly he nodded. It was odd, he really did expect Oswald to run or even vomit from disgust. Instead what he got was the furry hand of his friend caressing the smooth compact bone of his cheek.

"This wasn't because of an accident right? This was just how you were born?" Oswald asked as he continued to feel Felix's "face", the surface cold against his furry fingertips.

"Yeah...it's a deformity" Felix pried his eyes off the floor and looked to see Oswald, the buck also having a shine in his eyes that confused him "you're not disgusted by my ugly mug?"

"Ugly!? You're far from it! You're–"

"Beautiful"

Oswald bit his lip, a Freudian slip a moment away from coming out. Doing his best to steer his mind away from unclean thoughts he thought of the next best thing to say.

"Awesome! I can't believe anyone would wanna cover up something so cool like your face"

Much to Felix's surprise Oswald spoke with sincerity, a wide smile across the buck's face and his cottontail wagging like crazy being a giveaway of the honesty.

"You... You're not just saying that to say that are ya Oz?" Felix asked, a small part of him still unconvinced.

"Felix, if you were ugly I'd call ya ugly, but you're not!" The rabbit held the cat's head and tilted it, wanting to get a look at every inch "how have you lived this long if this if this is what you really look like? You do all your own stunts and I've seen boulders dropped on ya before"

"Bone is surprisingly dense believe it or not, a few doctors did say that mine is a lot more durable than most though, apparently it heals real fast too" Felix couldn't help but laugh as his head was turned every which way, the rabbit's fascination with his appearance was flattering to say the least.

Oswald lightly tugged on the cat's ears as he remarked "And you said this is a deformity? More like a gift if you ask me"

"Well it does have a good deal of medical issues that come with it, for instance I was unconscious when I was born so the people who delivered me presumed I was dead because of me not making any noise and looking like this, apparently they were real close of disposing me until I awoke and started screaming" Felix stared off into space, muttering under his breath a detail that was hard to forget "didn't stop my mother from still trying though..."

Oswald caught what the cat said, his face darkening as he understood the implications "oh dear... I'm sorry everything that's happened to you because you were born like this, you didn't deserve any of that and you sure as heck don't deserve people telling you to hide your face and voice"

"Thanks Oz, if I still had my mask on I'd be as red as a tomato by now"

Oswald finally stopped messing around with his friend's skull, now bringing the cat into a hug he whispered into Felix's ear "I'm glad you showed me this... I know you'll probably continue to wear that mask of yours yet whenever we're in private you can talk how you naturally sound, I wanna hear from Felix from now on, not the cat that appears on television"

Felix hugged back, a gentle rumble coming from his throat "mmm... Will do Oz"

With no more secrets between them, the two toons embraced each other. Oswald soon joined Felix in his purrs, equally content that he knew someone so closely. Sadly all good things had to come to an end, the voice of an irritable man snapped them out of it. His voice getting closer by the second.

"Hey Felix, could you hurry it up? I know this was your big anniversary show and everything but we've been meaning to talk to you about your contract recently... All the demands you've made recently has been putting a lot more work on the crew is needed so some adjustments need to be made"

Felix's ears flagged up at the sound of his manager's voice "shoot! That's him!" Pulling away the cat ushered Oswald away "you better scram Oz"

"Wait, what about your mask? I heard it tear?" Oswald grabbed Felix's hands, stopping the cat from pushing him any further "Isn't your manager gonna be mad you ripped it off?"

"Oh don't worry about it, I can come up with some phony excuse like I tripped and it came off or something, what you need to worry about is getting out!" Felix held his friend's hand and gazed into his eyes, desperation clear on his face "please Oz, the last thing I'd ever want is to see you hurt and I know my manager is a few steps away from doing something to ya, we can talk another time anyhow"

"Mmm..." As much as Oswald wanted to stay and maybe try and help Felix with his entire face situation he relented. Letting out a sigh he gave a nod "if you say you'll be fine then I trust you"

"Thanks Oz" Usually he'd give Oswald a kiss on the nose as a way to say goodbye although he quickly realized he was incapable of doing that without his lips. Making do with what he was capable of, the cat pressed his teeth up against the rabbit's snout and purred "catch you later cottontail"

"Talk to you—hopefully—soon Tommy, I'll be praying all goes well at this meeting you're going too" Oswald kissed the hole where Felix's nose should have been and ran off, not wishing to be caught.

The rabbit was happy his friend had shared something so deep and personal, even if he didn't get to look at the cat's face for too long the good glimpse he did get would be cemented into his mind. It was kind of hard to forget, after all to anybody else it would have been a horrific sight. It wasn't to Oswald though, that "horrific toon" was merely Felix. Happy, harmless, still a bit rebellious, Felix. No matter how the cat looked or sounded he'd continue being his friend and he could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of their next meet up having no more curtains of secrecy there. Instead it would just be them as they were in their entirety, genuine and full of care for one another. His little tail continued to wag as he exited the building, his mind still lingering on the kiss and hug for a reason he didn't know.

[goddevouringserpent]

WOTR Companions First and Final Impressions

taking the open tag @the-raging-tempest left over at Discord cause I really really wanted to do this hehehehe :3 it was very very fun, even if time-consuming, so I am open tagging anyone who wants to do it! (& please do feel free to tag me in it because I very much want to see 👀)

the first impressions match the first actual interaction my KCs had with the companions, for which I am using the first real dialogue they ever had; so, for example, although they both technically met Camellia at the Kenabres festival, I am counting the first meeting as being in the caves under Kenabres.

First impressions

Seelah

Irenni: "A spot of hope in the middle of so much destruction! You lighten my heart with your presence, lady knight."

Kaija: "Paladin of Iomedae, huh? Well, you don't seem as stuck-up as the rest of your kin, at least. Mind your own business, I'll mind mine, and we should get along fine."

Camellia

Irenni: "So poised and elegant... I'm surprised by how nonplussed you seem, but in all fairness, you look high-born, and I suppose nobles are taught to conceal their emotions."

Kaija: "Ugh. Do we really have to babysit this spoiled brat? Hope you actually know how to use that rapier of yours, pretty girl, 'cause I'm not sticking my neck out for you."

Lann

Irenni: "A valiant warrior with a noble heart, I can tell. 'Tis a pity you downplay your own worth with such ferocity."

Kaija: "I know your type. You hate who you are, don't you, underground crusader? Tale as old as time. Shed those chains already—they'll never see you like you want them to see you. We're all just horned freaks to the respectable folks."

Wenduag

Irenni: "You are so angry... We mean no harm to you or yours. Let us help, please. We can only save each other if we stick together!"

Kaija: "There's a shrewdness in you, isn't there? You're a clever one. A survivor. Dangerous. It's fine, I can work with that. You're nothing new to me, huntress."

Woljif

Irenni: "I hope I'm not making a mistake by helping you. You seem harmless enough, but that shadow... There's something wrong about it. Do you even know the nature of the magic you wield?"

Kaija: "A kindred spirit. You're the only one here who understands. I see it in your eyes. We have the same look, you and I, the same kind of dirt under our fingernails, the same bloodied teeth. I've got your back, for as long as this arrangement lasts—way things are, turning my back on you would be like turning my back on myself."

Ember

Irenni: "Oh, you sweet soul... 'tis fortunate Andoletta watches over you, but still—you should be somewhere safe, enjoying your childhood, not bearing witness to the horrors of war."

Kaija: "I can tell there's some sort of strength in you, but you've gotta toughen up, kid, or the world will chew you up and spit you out."

Daeran

Irenni: "You behave as though you knew exactly what to say in order to vex me, Count Arendae. I ought to chastise you for being so irresponsible and inconsiderate, but you would not care at all. And... truth be told, you are fascinating, in your own way. A weakness in me, perhaps. We shall see. In the meantime—make yourself useful."

Kaija: "Hello there, yet-another-noble-prick in the endless assortment of Mendevian noble pricks! At least you're fun to be around, I'll give you that. Maybe someday I'll crash one of your parties. You might even thank me for it."

Nenio

Irenni: "A fellow scholar! Oh, this is so exciting. I cannot even blame you for your... peculiarities; truly, all of us who share an interest for the academic can sympathize, to one degree or another. I do so look forward to trading theories with you."

Kaija: "Heard about people like you, here and there. Strange stories. Sad, often. Leave it to a genius to lose her mind—there's a certain irony in it. But I think we'll work well together, long as you follow my lead."

Galfrey

Irenni: "Everlight, I feel so inadequate. The Queen of Mendev! Here! Sitting at my table! It is a pleasure and an honour, Your Majesty, although I wish the circumstances were different... and I wish I were a bit more put-together for the occasion..."

Kaija: "Bah. Mendev's golden figurehead. Must feel good, to come marching in and have everyone prostrate themselves at your feet, even though you did absolutely jack shit. Don't expect any special treatment from me, Your Majesty. Far as I'm concerned, you're just some freeloader at our table."

Sosiel

Irenni: "A servant of the Eternal Rose is always welcome! I see a sincere kindness in your eyes that puts me at ease... and Sarenrae knows that is exactly what I need right now."

Kaija: "Nice to have another artist nearby. Not many of us here. And there's a steel in you, a fire. It burns low, more a simmer than anything else, but I can tell. I've been there. No wonder, after the losses you've experienced. You'll do fine. Channel that fire."

Regill

Irenni: "Hellknight, is it? Hmph. I guarantee you will disagree with my methods, Paralictor; I hope, for both our sakes, that you are still willing to obey my orders."

Kaija: "Credit where it's due, you're one hell of a fighter. Don't really mind the stick up your ass if we can use it in our favour. 'Sides, a little spot of pragmatism might do us some good in the long run. Tired of all the crusaders with their heads in the clouds."

Arueshalae

Irenni: "My heart reaches out to you, as yours does to mine. I am aware it is ill-advised to trust a succubus, but, as servants of good, ought we not embrace any demons who choose to leave behind the stain of evil and embark upon a different path? Is it not our duty to aid them in this difficult journey? I open my arms for you, Arueshalae, even if it means the death of me."

Kaija: "I should be suspicious, and yet... I heard you. I saw you. In the temple of Desna, and in the shrine. That... that can't just be a demonic trick, right? There are some things the Abyss can't touch. But an ascending succubus... Demons aren't capable of redemption. It isn't in their nature. It's what everyone says, isn't it? But... but maybe... Maybe there's a chance... Maybe, if you..."

Greybor

Irenni: "Why in the world would you refuse to address the demon invasion going on, but take on an assassination contract? I am astounded by the greed and selfishness involved in your thought process, but, most of all, I am baffled by your short-sightedness. There will be no gold to reclaim should the armies of the Abyss prevail, good sir."

Kaija: "'Go and get reinforcements from the Defender's Heart,' heh... You don't know who you're talking to, master assassin. Don't need help to kill these demons. Go ahead and take care of your mark—just don't get in my way. Wouldn't want ya to have your limbs cleaved off."

Parting thoughts

Seelah

Irenni: "What a joy, to have shared this fight with you. You have kept me steady, grounded in hope, and I am so glad to have done the same for you. Do not let anyone extinguish your spark. It is people like you that give our struggles meaning."

Kaija: "You've proven me wrong, time and time again. Never thought I'd be happy about that, but I guess there's always a first time for everything. It's been an honour fighting at your side, Seelah... And an even bigger honour drinking at your side!"

Camellia

Irenni: "I... I tried, Camellia. I really did. I would have helped you, if only you had been truthful. But in the end, I... I did what I had to do. I am not proud of it, but you forced my hand."

Kaija: "I keep telling myself it was for the best, and maybe one day I'll believe it. We would've ruined each other, beloved, you know that as well as I do. Better to stop when... when we still could. But that doesn't mean I've stopped loving you. I never will. You'll always have a part of me. Wherever you go, whatever you do... be safe. Think of me, from time to time. I'll think of you."

Lann

Irenni: "It is so good to see you happy, at long last. You deserve it—you always have. You have performed all your duties admirably, Lann, both towards the crusade and towards your people. Find comfort, now. Live the life you want. May your aim be ever true and steady, my friend."

Kaija: "You've got to let go, at some point. Move on. Bury it or it'll bury you."

Wenduag

Irenni: "I bear you no ill will. You were deeply wounded, I can tell that now, and my only regret is being unable to heal you. May you find peace in the afterlife."

Kaija: "Hasn't always been easy, because I'll be fucked if you don't like to make everything as hard as possible, but... Here we are. Looking at us from where we stand at the end, I can say I'm glad to have met you. Glad to know you. You've found your own power, your own strength, and—I respect you, for that. See myself in you a little bit. Who would've thought, huh?"*

Woljif

Irenni: "I am so, so proud of you, and deeply ashamed I ever doubted you. So many would have fallen prey to the temptation of demonic power, but you... I know it was what you had wanted all your life, and yet you found strength enough in yourself to refuse it! I am humbled by you, Woljif."

Kaija: "The light of my life. That's what you are. Can't say I believe in soulmates or none of that, but I do believe in choosing someone over and over, with your whole heart, every day of your life, and... Well, I'll keep choosing you, over and over, for as long as I draw breath. You've changed me, deep to my core, and once upon a time I would've fought against that—you would've had me kicking and screaming to get out, heh—but now I wouldn't have it any other way. Wouldn't have you any other way. I'm with you, dearest, 'til the end, through thick and thin. It's you and me."

Ember

Irenni: "Your kindness is brilliant, Ember. Blinding. I hardly understand it myself, and I have felt the touch of Heaven! I know you do not believe in divine intervention, but... I cannot, in good faith, claim our meeting to be a coincidence. Both of us, devoted to mercy and redemption and salvation... We are the company we keep, I suppose, but we are altogether too similar in ideals for it to not mean something. I shall be pleased to accompany you further, should our paths meet again."

Kaija: "First time in my life I've ever been so thankful for someone getting their thoughts in order. You were heading down a bad road, kid. Putting yourself in danger. And—d'you think I could've lived with myself if I'd let you and you'd gotten killed because of it? I know it feels bad to have to temper your expectations, but you'll thank me later."

Daeran

Irenni: "Ah, my love, what I wouldn't do for you. We have not had an easy time of it, have we? A rocky beginning, a middle fraught with difficulties and obstacles... We have been our own worst enemies, in truth. But there is not a single thing that I would change. I am honoured to love you and to have you love me; to know you and to have you know me. I am so fortunate that you have chosen to trust me with your life, your heart, your freedom, even. I will keep you safe, no matter what it takes. You can rest lightly in my hands—I promise. You will never regret letting me love you."

Kaija: "Not too proud to admit I misjudged you. I mean, in a sense I had your measure as soon as I met you, knew exactly what kinda person I was dealing with, but in another sense, you've surprised me. Never thought I'd find a real friend in you. My best friend, even. Life's full of little jokes and twists, isn't it? I think we can both drink to that, and not just because we'll take any excuse to drink. So—here's to your health, Count."

Nenio

Irenni: "I... I don't understand. Why would you ever want... What led you to... to make the choices you made? You are worth more than that, Nenio. I pray it is not too late for you."

Kaija: "Somehow what's going on with you is less outlandish than what I thought was going on with you. It's fine. Seems like a lot, but you'll pull through, if you really want to. I believe you can."

Galfrey

Irenni: "You carry your burdens, and I carry mine. I neither envy nor resent you. Let us part in peace. I wish you well, Galfrey of Mendev."

Kaija: "Fool. If you keep holding your chin up, your neck'll snap. We're not on even footing anymore—I've long since surpassed ya, and you know it. Write a letter to your goddess if you're so mad about it."

Sosiel

Irenni: "It is good to see you have healed. You were teetering on the edge of something so grim, far from the light of Shelyn, and although I had faith in your ability to remain steadfast, I worried for you, Sosiel. Yet you have so gracefully recovered from the blows life dealt you. A soul as gentle and good as yours deserves nothing but that, my friend."

Kaija: "I know it wasn't what you expected, but did good. Kept your spine straight when it counted. Didn't back down. Opened your eyes. So that closure you got, Sosiel, those answers—that was all you, in the end. It was your actions that saved both of you. Take pride in that."

Regill

Irenni: "We have not always seen eye to eye... quite the opposite, in fact... but in the end, I am glad to have fought alongside you, Regill Derenge. I think, in better times, we could have been friends, but war can make strangers of us all."

Kaija: "Surprised at how well we work together. Or maybe not. It's all in the fighting mettle, after all—we're warriors through and through, and I guess even through our differences we could recognise that in each other. Steel calls to steel. I respect you, Regill, and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual. Wouldn't be where you are now if it weren't, yeah?"

Arueshalae

Irenni: "There are too many things I should have told you, too many things I should tell you... but now is not the time. Later, once we are free. Then I will... Everlight's mercy, I just need you to know how deeply I care for you, how much I treasure and cherish and admire you, how badly I want to���augh, later, Irenni, later!"**

Kaija: "You say that I saved you, that you owe me so much, but c'mon, Arue, don't sell yourself short: you saved me every bit as much as I saved you. A mutual thing, yeah? Pulled each other outta the Abyss. I'm so proud of you, sister, and so grateful for everything you've done."

Greybor

Irenni: "Truthfully, I was not expecting you to take my advice to heart, and I am pleasantly surprised you have chosen to do so. I wish you an uneventful life, Greybor. Enjoy every moment."

Kaija: "A professional, through and through. We did some good work together. You've a... productive future ahead of you, I'm sure—who knows, maybe I'll require your services sometime, hah."

*Kaija's parting answer for Wenduag is largely a placeholder because this is my first time recruiting Wendu (I'd wanted to before, but I couldn't rationalise how/why Kai would, until now) & I am still figuring out their dynamic. however, I feel there might be... Something there. as in, the inklings of a very interesting ship dynamic. and I can never say no to toxic yuri, it's my kryptonite, soooo I am just kinda leaving that reply there for now lol

**Irenni romances Arueshalae, but only after the game ends. during the events of the game itself she's too busy dealing with her feelings towards Daeran to even try and address her feelings towards Arue. they are very much present, Irenni just... sets them aside, for the time being, because she already has enough on her plate emotions-wise as-is LOL but after everything is done, they become an item :3

[my-moony-and-padfoot]

A hand to hold

Word count: 3 500

TW: eating problems, disordered eating talking about it and mentions of throwing up etc. It's set in the fifth book, kind of, it doesn't really matter but anyway Note: I wrote almost all of this in one sitting, so even though I've proofread this twice now there still might be weird bits here and there. Because quite literally this is written in the span of five hours, just my thoughts flowing, I hope you can follow :)

Sirius stared at the plate of food in front of him, there wasn't a lot, some vegetables, and chicken, but he didn't really feel like eating, the thought just made him feel sick. He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before looking around. Tonks was sitting across from him, eating her food and chatting with Ginny, then glanced at Molly who was at the end of the table, she was already done, her head resting on her hand as she waited for everyone else to be done as well, so she could clean.

He glanced back down at his plate, swallowing down the growing sickness, before looking away. The seat on his right was empty, there was no one he could hold hands with secretly underneath the table. A simple gesture, but it just felt like home. It was something they had done since they were kids, and every time Remus was away he missed it and realized how important it actually was to him. It had been a week now and Remus should've been back yesterday, so he was starting to get worried.

Eventually, he ate a few pieces of the chicken and a few slices of the steamed carrots. It didn't really taste like anything, but at the same time it tasted too much, making him feel sick, but Sirius did his best to ignore that feeling.

When people started to be done and left the kitchen, Sirius decided to stay behind and do the cleaning, letting Molly go do whatever else she had on her endless to-do list. She thanked him before leaving the kitchen, and he just smiled before focusing on the task. Though they didn't always come along, he still liked to help her every now and then. Right now, he just needed something to do, something to do to stop the continuous buzzing in his brain.

He gathered everyone's used dishes, emptying them and washing them by hand. He had always liked washing the dishes by hand even though he could use magic, Sirius just liked doing it like that. When he was done washing and drying them, he set them back into their places.

After the kitchen was cleaned, he went upstairs and into his bedroom, well, what was now his bedroom. He had refused to sleep in his childhood bedroom, though he hadn't told the reason to anyone, not even to Remus when he had asked. The things that had happened there he had always kept to himself, and he would do it in the future too.

He was tired and wanted to sleep, it felt like he was always tired, no matter how much he'd sleep, he'd be tired even if he did nothing but lay in bed, he was just tired. He sat down on his bed, grabbing Remus' jumper from the floor where it had been left a week ago. It still faintly smelled like Remus; vanilla, and occasional cigarettes, but it wasn't enough to soothe the ache in his chest he felt when he thought about Remus.

The smell was comforting, it had always been, ever since their days in Hogwarts, it just was something he had found comfort in even in the hardest of times. That was one of the things he had missed the most during those twelve years, and still, he missed it every time Remus was away.

It was only afternoon, he had already decided not to come out of his bedroom before the next morning, so he changed into the red checkered pyjama pants, pulling Remus' jumper over his head. There was an old record player in the corner of the room, the only thing he had brought from his old bedroom. He put some classical music to play in the background, not liking the quietness of the room.

Then he laid down in the middle of his bed on his side, grabbing a pillow to hug, needing something to hold, so he could ground himself because Remus wasn't there, or no one else for that matter.

Sirius was really starting to be worried about Remus, he was meant to be back yesterday, and he wasn't. He knew Remus didn't like being where he was now, so he didn't really understand why he'd stay there for longer than he needed to.

Maybe something had happened? Something bad and he just didn't know, or simply wasn't told. What if it had been a rough full moon, and he had gotten really ill after because that happened often. Remus also didn't like to be alone after his transformation, and even though Sirius knew he technically wouldn't be alone, still he had this dreadful feeling that something was horribly wrong.

Lately, he had been thinking about Azkaban a lot, and every so often he felt like he was still there. It was this weird memory of cold stone wall on his back, the wind blowing through the bars at the small window, the Dimentors sweeping past. The incredible coldness he could feel deep in his bones, the coldness that wasn't just a feeling, but rather an emotion that made him forget and feel forgotten. It reminded him of all those nights he had spent looking at the moon, sometimes it was full, sometimes creasing, and sometimes it matched the tattoo inked on his wrist. But every time the moon came up, it brought Remus to his mind, his moony.

There was this reappearing thought where he felt like he was still prisoned, like he had always been. Like he had gone from one prison to another all his life. When he was a child, he had been locked up in his home until school, then he had spent twelve years of his life in Azkaban knowing he was innocent. And now, he was here again, back at his childhood home, without permission to go outside.

Like was trapped inside this house, no way to escape, but at the same time nothing to escape from anymore. His parents weren't there anymore, none of the horrible things he had to go through wouldn't happen anymore, it was only a memory. Maybe it was that, maybe it was the memories making him feel trapped and stuck in the same place.

It was almost three hours later when he heard a knock at his door, pulling him out of his thoughts. As he got up he realized that the music had stopped as well, how hadn't he noticed? Maybe he had drifted off or something.

Getting up made his head spin slightly, and he had to wait a moment to gain balance, but he decided to just ignore it. Sirius opened the door, seeing Tonks standing there with a cup of tea in her hands. “I thought you'd like some tea.” She said with a smile, giving the cup to Sirius, who smiled back, even though he felt nothing like smiling. He set the cup down onto the dresser next to the door, leaning against the door frame to keep himself upright as he looked at Tonks. The dizziness had grown over the past few hours more than he had expected it to, and it was hard to keep himself balanced. “Everything alright, Sirius?”

“Mm yes. Just tired. Don't worry, Dora.” She nodded, though gave him a pointed look because of the name. “Alright sorry, thanks for the tea though.”

“You're welcome.” Tonks smiled again. “Have you- Have you heard anything from Remus?” Sirius shook his head, looking away momentarily, the same dreadful feeling coming rushing back. “I'm sure he'll be back soon, try not to worry too much.”

Sirius nodded with a small smile, looking back at her, playing with a loose thread on the sleeve of his jumper. “Albus visited.” She said after a moment of silence.

“Oh.”

“Nothing new, just repeating old things, everyone didn't even have to be there.” Sirius nodded. “Anyway, I just wanted to see you before I go.”

“Say hello to your mum and dad for me.” Sirius smiled, and tonks nodded, suddenly pulling Sirius into a hug. It took him by surprise, and the tight grip hurt, but he hugged her back, patting her back a few times. “see you.”

“See you, bye, Siri.” He waved at her before slipping back into his bedroom and closing the door behind him. He grabbed the tea cup, sitting down at the desk with it, he glanced at himself in the small mirror, not really liking what he saw there. He took a small sip of the tea, it was made in the way he liked it to be, lots of honey, but today was one of those days when the sweetness of it made him want to throw up.

It wasn't the first time this was happening, Sirius knew the feeling all too well, but he never said it out loud. He didn't exactly know what it was or where it came from and why it happened. The feeling just came, and stayed, not going away.

But it had always sort have been there, the weird feeling that came with eating every now and then. When they were in school, it always got worse after the holidays, he always got thinner during the summer and Christmas breaks, and Remus had always been the one to notice. It always took some time until he'd admit what he had been doing, and talk about it and let Remus actually help.

When he was in Azkaban, he didn't get to choose what he'd eat and when he'd eat or how much. There was this same small portion of food each day, and Sirius wasn't sure if he liked that or not. But when he got out of there, he continued in that same routine without even realizing what happened until it was a little too late.

Remus had once again been the one to notice what he was doing and how he kept getting thinner and thinner whenever they saw each other. And for a few months it had been better, he had been doing good, but some time ago, it had taken a turn for the worse once again. Sirius did realize that it always got worse when Remus was away because then there was no one keeping an eye on him and his eating habits. He could do whatever he pleased without making anyone throwing worried glances at him and asking him to eat. Though sometimes he missed that too, missed the worried glances and someone just caring.

His tea had gone cold, not that it mattered, he wasn't going to drink it. He did appreciate the gesture, and he could tell tonks had seen him during dinner, and that he simply didn't eat. Because she usually didn't come to say goodbyes to him that often, she did that only when she was worried, but not worried enough to say it out loud.

Sirius got back into bed, this time getting under the covers and just listening. Someone was walking up the stairs, someone was pacing around in the bedroom above him. Doors closing and opening, stairs creaking because no one else but him knew which ones to avoid.

But after a while those sounds died out too, everyone had gone to bed, or at least locked themselves into their bedrooms. But Sirius couldn't find himself to fall asleep as the clock ticked on. He was too worried, too unwell and too scared. There was just too much of everything.

It was a few hours later when Sirius heard the front door opening downstairs, immediately making him scared, though he knew no one he didn't know had access to this place. Then someone walked up the stairs, but none of them creaked, Sirius turned to lay on his side, so he'd be facing the door.

The light that was on shined into the hallway in a way that Sirius could see the shadow of whoever would walk past. When the shadow came, it stopped in front of his door, and then the door slowly creaked open, and Remus slipped in, trying to be as quiet as possible.

“Hi.” He smiled, looking at Sirius, who smiled back with a small, but genuine smile. “I thought you'd be sleeping already.” Remus said, starting to change his clothes into something much more comfortable than what he was wearing.

When he was dressed in his pyjamas and a new clean jumper, he sat down on the edge of the bed, next to Sirius. “Why are you not sleeping?”

“Dunno.”

“Just can't sleep?” Remus started to play with Sirius' hair, twirling the curls with his fingers. Sirius shrugged. “Okay.”

“Cuddles?” Sirius asked quietly, looking up at Remus who smiled, nodding before he laid down. Sirius rested his head onto Remus' chest, closing his eyes with a content sigh. “I missed you.” He whispered, throwing one of his legs over Remus', who wrapped his arms around Sirius.

“Missed you too.” He whispered into Sirius' hair. "m'sorry, they just wouldn't let me leave when I wanted to. And Albus sent me a letter about something I had to do before I could come back.”

Sirius nodded, snuggling closer to Remus. “you're still a jumper thief.” Remus said, and Sirius could hear the slight grin in his voice. Remus had been calling him a thief as long as he could remember, he hadn't done it in a while, though. “Did twelve years teach you nothing about law?”

Sirius smiled slightly, but he didn't want to think about that now. “Don't, re. Please.”

“Okay, sorry.” He whispered, before letting the silence fall over them. Remus gently rubbed Sirius' side over his jumper, then he let his hand slip underneath his jumper. He felt Sirius' ribs, and hip bone, but Remus was sure that they stuck through more than they had before.

He felt bad that Sirius did it to himself, he didn't always do it on purpose, but sometimes he did and it always worried Remus. Sirius looked tired, dark circles under his eyes, his hair was tangled from the back and his lips chapped, like he'd forgotten to take care of himself.

“Love?” He whispered after a while, and Sirius hummed, fluttering his eyes open. “How have you been sleeping?”

“Just fine.”

“Don't have to lie to me, y'know.” He said gently, not wanting to push Sirius into talking if he didn't want to, but knowing at the same time that it would be better if they talked, it always helped, and Sirius knew that too. “I only want to help you, yeah? Don't want anything bad for you.”

“Can't sleep. It's like my mind is running all the time.” He mumbled. “Been having bad dreams.”

“You've been having more nightmares?” Sirius nodded. “poor baby.” Remus whispered, kissing his head. “When was the last time you ate?” Remus asked, dreading the answer, as usually, it wasn't anything good.

“Today.”

“Properly, Sirius.”

“I don't know. A few days ago?” He said slowly, and quietly. “Just don't feel well. I feel sick.”

“You feel sick 'cause you haven't eaten.” Remus said, waiting for Sirius' reaction before continuing. But it didn't come, he stayed quiet, starting to draw shapes on Remus' side with his finger. “And if you don't eat, you'll start feeling even more sick. I know it's hard, I know love, but you need to eat.”

Sirius shook his head. “c'mon, look at me.” He whispered softly, and Sirius nodded slightly, shifting, so he could look at Remus, his chin resting on Remus' chest. “Tell me what you're thinking about?”

“I don't know, Remus.” He said. “It just feels so- wrong. It's stupid.”

“It's not.” Remus said, brushing a loose curl behind Sirius' ear. “You said you are today, what did you have?”

“Some vegetables and a small piece of chicken.” He admitted quietly. “Dora brought some tea.”

“Did you drink it?” Sirius shook his head, hiding his face into Remus' chest. “That's alright. Don't worry. Let's get up.”

“No.” He protested, not wanting Remus to drag him downstairs and eat something, like he knew Remus would do. He always did. He appreciated it, yes, and knew it was for the better, but still, he still didn't want it. “Remus, please no.”

“Sirius?” He whispered, and Sirius looked back at him. “I know you don't want to, but you look like you're going to pass out any minute. And I'd rather not have that. Let's get up.”

Sirius nodded slowly, moving to let Remus up from underneath him. Then he slowly sat up and inched closer to the edge of the bed, the ever-growing dizziness was even worse now than it had been when tonks came. He was usually very used to the constant nausea and dizziness, but sometimes it just tipped on the side of too much.

He looked up at Remus, who smiled slightly, offering his hand to Sirius. He let Remus pull him up from bed by his hand, the sudden upright position made his head spin, and he closed his eyes. He did notice the hands holding on to his shoulders, it did help to steady himself on his feet.

“Ready to go?” He asked after a moment, and Sirius nodded slightly, looking up at Remus, he looked really worried now, and it made Sirius feel bad. Remus took his hand, slowly leading him out of the room and down the stairs.

When they got down to the kitchen, he sat down on the chair, tucking his knees up to his chest as he watched Remus look through the cupboards.

Then there were two slices of toast and a glass of water set in front of him, and Remus sat across from him with a tea cup. “You don't have to eat all of it, and I can find something else for you if you'd like, but just something, please?”

Sirius nodded, staring at the two lightly buttered slices, taking a few deep breaths, but eventually, he just hit his forehead on his knees, not wanting to look at it anymore.

It broke Remus' heart to watch Sirius struggle so much, it broke it even more that there was nothing he could do or say to make it better. The only thing he could do was to be there with him, trying to support him the best he could and offer comfort when he needed it. Even though he didn't exactly understand why Sirius did this or why it happened, he didn't know the reason behind it, but he'd still be there, the reason didn't really matter.

He reached across the table, placing his hand over Sirius' shaking one that was resting on his knees. He gave it a reassuring squeeze, before intertwining their fingers together.

It took some time until Sirius finally looked up, he first glanced at Remus, then at the plate that was still in front of him. His eyes looked wet, like he was on the verge of crying and like he had been holding the tears for a while. “Talk to me.” He whispered softly, rubbing small circles into Sirius' wrist with his thumb.

“I feel really sick.” Sirius whispered. “I can't Rem. I just- I don't want to. I can't.”

“Yeah you can, I know you can.” Remus said, looking Sirius in the eyes, he was looking back at him, but not really, there was just something off, but Remus could quite tell what it was. “But I also know it's scary and difficult, and there's nothing wrong with feeling like this, absolutely nothing.”

Sirius nodded slowly, looking down at the plate, biting his lip. “I know you're feeling awful and sick right now. But you're going to feel worse if you continue this.” Remus tried to reason, but at the same time he tried not to be too harsh because that wasn't good either. “Just have a small bit? And let's see how you feel after?”

Sirius nodded after a minute, glancing at Remus, before letting go of his hand, he grabbed one of the slices, taking a small bite after a few deep breaths. He closed his as he slowly chewed on the piece, it soon turned into tasteless mush that felt impossible to swallow down, but eventually, he managed.

He wasn't sure if it made the nausea or the spinning in his head worse or if it did nothing, so he took another small bite. It didn't feel good, but it didn't exactly feel bad either. He wasn't sure what the feeling was, so he let it be, taking a few more bites of the toast, though still chewing for way too long.

Sirius could feel Remus' worried gaze on him the whole time, but he didn't mind. He knew Remus was worried and that he couldn't help it, he had always done it, ever since they were young. It was fine. It wasn't the judgmental type of staring that he didn't like, and was used to, it wasn't that, so it was okay.

It took a long until Sirius was done with the first slice, but time didn't matter, it was just important that he ate. “Feel like you can eat the other one?” Remus asked, and Sirius shook his head, glancing at him as if to check it was okay. He nodded, getting up from the chair, grabbing his tea cup and Sirius' plate, quickly cleaning them.

When he was done, he walked back over to Sirius, who set down the now empty glass of water. Sirius looked up at him, his eyes still looked shiny and he just looked so sad. Remus reached his hand to cup his cheek, gently running his thumb over the sharp cheekbone.

He leaned down to kiss Sirius' forehead, who closed his eyes, focusing on it. When Remus leaned back, he offered his hand to Sirius, pulling him up and into a hug when he took it.

Sirius hid his face into Remus' neck, holding on tightly, as if Remus would just slip away. The slow gentle hand going up and down his spine, soft whispers into his hair, and the steady breathing made him feel calm and gave something to focus on.

“Let's go to bed, love.” Remus whispered after a while, and Sirius nodded slightly, taking a few more moments before pulling away from the warm embrace, letting Remus take his hand again and lead up to their bedroom.

A/N:

Hello, hope you enjoyed this one :) and could follow it just fine.

I like the idea of Sirius and Tonks having some kind of a relationship, that they care for each other because they're cousins so I thought I'd add that into this, hope you liked it too

This one is a little different than what I usually write, it has very little dialogue, because most of my works are more dialogue than describing things, if you know what I mean. It was fun to write though. It also has significantly less pet names than what I usually use, but I thought it wouldn't have fit as well in this

Anyway, take care, see you

(please tell me if there's something else I should tag)

<3

[magicalyaku]

Ok ok, let's get back on track. Work was draining these past weeks, but I'm on vacation now, so time to catch up! June was the month of the library books. I put a bunch on hold in April and May and they all came in at the same time. And after up to 10 weeks of waiting I was not about to push a single one back further, so I had to work a bit there. 8D Also, according to my list I've read 51 books in the first 6 months of the year. I seem to remember wanting to read less this year? Yeah. Not going well.

Gwen & Art are Not in Love (Lex Croucher): I read it in the very first days of June, which was basically an eternity ago, so my memory is a bit wonky. I do remember I had lots of fun! It was funny and sweet with a solid story and serious times when needed, nice characters, good adventure. The female lead did not get on my nerves! There was a cat! And a girl with a (legendary) sword! I think, though, it's a bit unfair that both boys ended up with permanent bodily harm while the girls got away scratchfree … Go read it!!

Thief in the Night (KJ Charles): I didn't know anything about this other than the summary when I put it on my waitlist in the library. After 10 weeks it finally came in and my first thought was "Is it broken?!" because it's only about 100 pages! It is a full story, mind you, I was just so suprised by it (and because I waited for so long!). It's a companion story to The Gentle Art of Fortune Hunting, featuring the brother of the protagonists of that one. It's pretty cute. Super short, but just the right length for a simple story. We can have a simple story once in a while. I had a good time reading this.

The Gentle Art of Fortune Hunting (KJ Charles): I borrowed this right after Thief in the Night. This is a full-length novel, so it has a lot more time to dive into characters and intricacies. It's nice. Like not groundbreaking, but very enjoyable. There's this thing about (pseudo-historic) British aristocracy that just calls for mocking them. I liked a lot how the climax and ending played out!

Flowerheart (Catherine Bakewell): Now this was another difficult book for me. I thought with time I'd get a little more chill with YA fantasy heroines. Seems I'm not there yet. The heroine here has these whiny self-pitying phases that really annoyed me. She's like "Oh maybe he never liked me in the first place" just because the guy didn't want her help at one thing. But: 1) He was her very close childhood friend, that was not a lie. 2) She has like one day of training in and can't control her magic, so her help would be … probably no help at all. And 3) when he told her before that he needs her on the weekends she said no, she can't … So why is she getting upset?! I hate characters like this. /D But thankfully, this is only half of the time, the other half she's pretty ok (the guy as well) and I actually found myself liking the book. The romance is acceptable and it does have some nice imagery going on with all the flower magic and stuff.

Sounds Fake But Okay (Sarah Costello & Kayla Kaszyca): My one non-fiction book of the year. :D It's about seeing the world from the perspectives of a_spec people. Like taking apart all that amatonormativity and all these ideas about romance and family and stuff that most of our world sees as right and normal. So it's not just a "let me tell you what aromanticism and asexuality are"-book but dives a bit deeper. I found it insightful. I think, both a_spec and allo people can take something away from reading this. Challenging our social constructs in thought at least can't hurt after all. Regarding the ebook library edition I read I didn't quite like the layout as the incorporated community quotes where not well marked and I stumbled over them a few times before realising it's another quote. That's probably no issue in the paper version though. I also struggled to tell the authors Sarah and Kayla apart. They introduce themselves and their stories in the beginning but I immediately jumbled them up ...

Captive Prince Trilogy (C.S. Pacat): I borrowed the English edition from the library … and didn't want to return it! Which is stupid because I own the German version in paper. But that kinda sums up how I feel about these books. Captive Prince was not the very first gay fantasy book I read almost two years ago but the first one I liked. (The actual first was Rowan & Ash by Christian Händel which had a terribly selfish love interest and shied away from all the important conflict. (And yeah, long before that I did read The Raven Cycle but I picked that one up for the Ley lines and the no-kiss-promise. The gay was just a pleasant surprise, so I don't count it.)) Which is funny, because especially the beginning is so filthy! I remember being quite put off by this the first time around, but apparently it was intriguing enough to continue reading. I like the incredible slow-burn of Damen's and Laurent's relationship. The slow building of trust in a surrounding where trust is so rare. How shit happens between them and they have to sort it out on page before progressing. How you only catch glimpes of Laurent's true self for a long time. I like it when authors feel smart through their writing and writing Laurent's and the Regent's intrigues and all the different settings with war strategies etc. sure does feel smart to me. I like the slow-burn in stories as well when things start at some point and only get important much later and all weaves together beautifully. It's so rewarding. Look, where we started - look, how far we've come! Hah. u3u

Riley Weaver Needs a Date for the Gaybutante Society (Jason June): For the end of the month I went for something light and funny. Of all the authors I read last year F.T. Lukens and Jason June stuck with me the most. Lukens for the cozy charming fantasy and June for the slightly silly noisy onea. Riley Weaver is no exception to that. It does have a serious undertone and message, though, but due to the framework of the story it manages to never feel dull or preachy.

I also tried to read Dragonfall by L.R. Lam, but gave up after just 50 pages. I can't even say if it's good or bad, because I don't know. I couldn't stand the viewpoints. Like, there's three people. The first one is a 1st person narrator, who refers to the second person as You, but in the narration, not dialogue! That put me off so much. It was so … icky! The second person narrates 1st person as well. If there's another "you" I don't know because I didn't make it to the point where they meet for real. And then the third person comes along and … it's 3rd person?! And I screamed! God, I hate that. I mean, it can work and I have read books that I like with inconsistent viewpoints but there was nothing here for which I was willing to endure. To be fair, I don't like dragons in the first place, so maybe we never were a good match from the start. :'D

That's it for June!

[doyou000me]

if you get this, answer with your top 5 music artists and send it to the last 7 people in your notifications Rose💜

This ask was more difficult then I suppose it's meant to be, because I mainly listen to songs, not artists. A lot of the time, I find one or two songs from the same artist that I really like, and then I have no idea what else they've done, so answering this required some thinking. Thank you @my-rose-tinted-glasses for making me sit down and actually think about what artists I like, and not just what songs I happen to vibe with at the moment!

Spoiler: it's a lot of Korean music, and what makes me come back to an artist is most often their voice.

Isaac Hong I found him through the OST for Strangers From Hell (along with The Rose, The Vane and Yaori) and then rediscovered him when I watched the reality show Super Band. I love his voice and I love the way many of his songs swell and sweep me along. He's done a few more OSTs lately, so if you've watched a lot of kdramas, chances are you've heard his music somewhere.

Give Childhood Memories 내 기억 속의 소년, Close Your Eyes and Ruin a listen!

LeeHi This woman has an absolutely amazing voice and can do widly different songs. She's got a lot of great songs of her own and has done a whole lot of fantastic collabs with various artists as well.

1, 2, 3, 4, FXXK WIT US and Breathe are some of my favourites, but be warmed: Breathe never fails to make me tear up.

Iniko What a voice!!! (Have you noticed a theme yet?) Their voice is otherwordly and all it took was a few seconds of a short clip for me to get goosbumps and be absolutely blown away. Their acapella videos are a treat. Their music is different and powerful and I love it.

Luna, The King's Affirmation and Jericho are definitely recommended!

Woosung and The Rose As mentioned, I first found the indie rock band The Rose through the OST for Strangers from Hell, and then some time later I found the singer Woosung and fell in love with his voice - and then it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realise that Woosung is the singer for The Rose, and his solo songs are what he did to stay active while the rest of the boys did their military service. (Yes, this is the level of research/knowledge I usually have about artists. Virtually none, that is.)

Sorry, Strangers and Wonder are some of my favourite The Rose songs, while Phase Me and Face are some of my favourite Woosung songs! Psst! I have been told that the piano key he's hitting in the Face MV is the G note...

Bibi Once more, as with all of these: The Voice!!! Bibi has a husky voice coupled with a bit of an attitude that I can't help but love! I found her through a show called The Fan (where I also found Car the Garden and Youra) and she keeps delivering!

Long Time Ago, Animal Farm, Vengeance are some of her songs that I think you should check out! The MVs are delighfully bloody, but maybe go for a lyric video if you don't want to see heads roll.

Long list under the cut, because I can't help but cheat:

BTS: the group that first got me into Korean music in 2016, when I'd previously only been interested in Korean movies. They put out so much music I can't keep up and they're possibly the only group where I've listened to enough of their discography to have a favourite album: Wings.

Mamamoo: a group of fantastic ladies who are excellent performers and fantastic singers! They know how to put on a show and how to have fun on stage. They're also challenging Korean stereotypes and norms, which of course gives them extra points in my books.

Jessi: now here's a lady who isn't afraid to speak her mind and who breaks Korean stereotypes for breakfast. She's a girlboss who raps and sings and does both hard-hitting hip hop and emotional ballads.

King Mala: a recent find, but what a find! So many good songs that made me feel like as absolute badass, and the lyrics are great fun and often delightfully kinky.

GSoul: a warm hug and a sigh of relief as you relax. Close your eyes and lean back and give his RnB songs a listen.

Jeff Satur: his music videos with his many different alter egos have given birth to the #jeffcest tag - need I say more? This guy sure has a vision and he seems to be having great fun doing what he's doing and we get to have great fun enjoying the stuff he puts out, so what's not to like?

Ten: now this guy is mainly on the list becuase of his performances, but what performances he puts on!! This guy can dance, and I don't know how many times I've rewatched his Devil performance from Hit The Stage which he did when he'd only just debuted. Apart from his individual songs, he's also part of NCT, so he's part of a whole lot of songs in a variety of different languages.

[leslutdepointedulac]

13 Book Tag Game

Tagged by: @bubblegum-blackwood Thank you! 💞

1) The last book I read:

The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice. I'm currently doing my annual re-read of TVC from start to finish but it's taking me longer than last time for some reason.

2) A book I recommend:

Loveless by Alice Oseman. Ik it's not the only book out there to explore asexuality and being aromantic as well, but it's the first one I personally read and I think it's a really good example of it.

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

A Dowry of Blood by S. T. Gibson. Predictably, it's more vampires lmao. I wasn't initially sure about how I would feel reading something in second person, but it actually works really well imo. I really love how it's told by one of Dracula's brides; I can really get into the characters, and understand her situation.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more):

So many of my books I've read several times, but one in particular is Wolf Brother by Michelle Paver. Actually just the whole Chronicles of Ancient Darkness series. I grew up on them, and I've read the whole series several times over. I like that it's set six thousand years ago, because I don't think I've personally ever read anything in the fantasy kind of genre in that time period. This series has a special place in my heart.

5) A book on my TBR:

I have too many. I think one that I do really want to get to though, is Les Misérables by Victor Hugo. I've wanted to read it for a few years now, and I've had the book since last year but I haven't gotten round to it yet.

6) A book I’ve put down:

Normal People by Sally Rooney. I got it as a birthday present from someone in my family a few years ago, and when I saw what it was about it didn't sound like my kind of thing but I figured I'd give it a chance. Yeah, it wasn't doing it for me lmao. I was bored tbh and the lack of speech marks around dialogue was confusing me. Overall it just wasn't my type of thing anyway and I only got a few pages in before I put it down.

7) A book on my wish list:

I've been really wanting to get a copy of the Grimm's complete fairy tales. I know some of how a few of the fairy tales originally go, but I've been wanting to read them all properly for years now.

8) A favorite book from childhood:

War Horse by Michael Morpurgo. I read this book religiously as a child. I would read it and then as soon as I was done, I'd read it again. I'm honestly not sure why, but there was clearly something about it that resonated with me, even as a kid. I actually still have the same copy I owned as a child, I don't think I'll ever get rid of it. It's very special to me.

9) A book you would give to a friend:

The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien. Idk what you want me to say lmao. It's LOTR, everyone should read it. I know it's a trilogy, not just one book, so I am cheating a bit here, but it's too good not to mention. It's fantasy at its finest, what can I say.

(I was gunna say Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice, but that's obvious coming from me and I don't want this whole thing to be overrun with TVC lmao.)

10) A book of poetry or lyrics that you own:

I won't lie, I don't actually have any of either, I've never really been interested in things like that. It's just not my thing.

11) A nonfiction book you own:

Buried by Professor Alice Roberts. I haven't actually read it yet, but it goes into looking at burials from centuries ago and how people would have lived in different periods of time, based on burial sites.

12) What are you currently reading:

The Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice. Again, this is because I'm doing my annual re-read of TVC, but it's taking me an unusually long time to get through it this time round.

13) What are you planning on reading next?:

Apart from moving onto The Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice, I think the next thing I want to get to is Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu. I've never read it before (Ik don't shoot me), not because I didn't want to, but just because I never got round to it. But I got it recently so I'll be reading it soon!

Tagging: @desertfangs @teethingpains @cinnamonclove but no pressure of course ❤

[valkerymillenia]

Finally had the appointment with the psychiatric specialist. Had to get up at 6am and go to a whole other city but I got it.

He was a guy (not the actual doctor I was supposed to see because she's on medical sabbatical). And he was nice but I am awkward with strangers and there were some things... Look, I just hate medical gender bias and there was a little here.

But most of all, there was... Some ableism?

Don't get me wrong, he was good and proper and did his job, he was also nice (and very young), but I was there for an ADHD and autism screening so I could have an official documented diagnosis and, well, there was quite a bit of gender bias about these disorders... And a significant amount of unconscious ableism too.

I'm already being treated for these things but my current doctors (psychiatrist, psychologist, and GP) don't have expertise in this area because these disorders aren't usually diagnosed in adulthood and that is their field, and this guy is the "expert" so we need his stamp on the matter just to dot the i's.

Turns out we didn't have enough time for all the tests because someone messed up and scheduled this as a follow-up appointment instead of an assessment but we made do. Here's my problem though: he only wanted to focus on the ADHD.

Also, he ignored a lot of details I was trying to put on the table but I might be reading too much into this.

According to him, yes, I definitely have ADHD and it's good that I'm already testing the medication for it but he wants to see what else he can do and if he can fix the side effects, but we didn't really have enough time for a full evaluation so he sent me home with a bunch of written tests to take so he can check them next month and have a more concise idea of my issues.

He also cut some of the older medication I had that is now obsolete with the new stuff.

I'm fine with all that. Grateful even.

But I wanted to talk about the autism diagnosis, I've been trying to approach this with doctors for years, I've desperate to be heard ever since I learned just how strongly the symptoms applied to me every since I was born, I'm been desperate ever since I discovered the gender bias in diagnosing females, I did so much research and talked to other autistic people and associations that gave emotional support, but the doctors keep brushing it off, not because they don't agree but because they literally don't want to talk about autism in general, they don't even wasn't to explain why they don't want to talk about it, the stigma is just too big.

Eventually, this is what this doc said:

"Look, autism is a spectrum and all so it's complicated. You definitely have serious autistic traits for sure but I don't think we should test you for it, there's no point because you're an adult and you've already learned coping mechanisms and masking the hard way, you struggled a lot but you're here, there's really not much else we can do help with and not much treatment we can give for this so why saddle you with a bad label?"

Like, it's so ableist. He totally missed the point? I told him I don't really care about what treatment they can give me, I just want confirmation because:

1. there's safety in labels, much more comforting to know I'm normal zebra and not a failed horse,

2. having the diagnosis gives me access to more information and a better ability to find good coping mechanisms and helpful tools for my daily life,

3. having the diagnosis allows me to find community and get mutual help and support without judgement,

4. having an official diagnosis helps me get certain amenities (or at least understanding) to make my life easier, be it with work or family life, even with social security or at certain events,

5. and finally, just because I survived my childhood without a label and found a way to blend in with neurotypicals doesn't mean that's a good thing (I was horribly bullied and abused for a reason), it doesn't mean that I'm currently happy pretending to be what society expects, doesn't mean it's not fucking exhausting, doesn't mean I don't deserve validation for my struggles.

But noooo, his whole focus was on "we can't medicate to FIX it so why bother" and on "what people would think of you if you had that label".

Bitch, I don't care about either of those, I don't care what people think of me, I care what I think of me, and autistic is not a slur, contrary to what people in this country seem to think! I just want to understand myself and my own struggles, and whenever I get harassed for being different I want to be able to defend myself with this knowledge.

For fucks sake, just test me and show some support!

I stg the doctors in this country are so scared of the word "autism", it's insulting.

[demon-of-side-quest-hell]

Guess what, I have thoughts on CKC!!! Who would've guessed!!!!!!!!!!!!

More daniel stuff this time mostly it's very personal rambles so untagged we go again.

I love Daniel alot, he exists within my headspace ambiently, because like, Daniel is honest to god the most I've ever related to a character in anything.

And I wish, I really sincerely wish, that he got more time in Season 3, because at no point does Daniel's character actually refute the trappings of the character archetype he's meant to portray.

Daniel is a play on neckbeard type nerds. He's overweight, he's obsessive with niche hobbies like MTG, LOTR, and, of course, D&D, he tends to think alot of other people (especially cool kids) are out to trick him, and when Cody encounters him, he speaks in a manner of speech that is sometimes hard to understand, he's meant to be seen as abrasive and weird.

And genuinely? The game never actually says "No, maybe other people should stop being so fucking judgy" it effectively says "Well, he can be less abrasive and weird" or "Well, you could just ignore it" by toning down these elements of his character or just having people not say anything to his face, not that that means they don't continue to say things behind his back.

I don't think any of this is intentional, but idk, I wish the game gave us more time to actually see the loser trio just doing stuff, I loved episode 22, but, the fuckin' Daniel Episode barely has any time for Daniel to be his normal self! He's either sad or DMing the entire way through. I wish maybe there was a flashback like the ones in episode 14, something to show WHY Daniel, Peter, and Peggy actually happen to be friends, we're just told they're childhood friends. We don't even know how they met.

And to a lesser extent that's also what they do with Peggy, but she gets to have a gradual change that feels earnt.

I care about D&Daniel alot, if CKC ever became a big popular fandom I'd be in the notes of every post with him gushing about things, I'd be shit talking popular headcanons that are based in bad interpretations or just flat wrong, I'd be there in the frontlines fighting for my boy.

Because who the fuck else will, really?

No one else without a similar background is going to fight for Daniel.

Because that's literally why Daniel is a loser.

The only thing separating D&Daniel and Thorn Blaze Draconia is that Thorn is a twink with more ability to make his outfit look "cool" via more money and/or straight up better access to resources.

I think I'm getting a bit off topic at this point, I'll wrap it up here for now

[butchsophiewalten]

Firstly, thank you so much for your constructive response. Replying to your post about Jenny&Jack's name problem.

1. I have no idea what makes you think that I blame Jenny for her inconsistent actions. I'm just trying to justify a point that seems illogical to me, and I'm turning to you bc your analyzes are really reasonable and I'd like to know your opinion.

2. I'm not saying its a plot hole and I'm not saying it's a HUGE one. It doesn't take detective deduction skills to ask my question, and I thought about it within the first 15 minutes of reading the /sophiewalten page. I understand and accept that there are conventions in a horror series, but this thing isn't that hard to rationalize, so why not do it? Feels like 'this too shall pass' energy.

3. In order to connect the '74th summer missing people, Jenny only needs to know Sophie’s surname and... Okay, it's a pretty absurd explanation, like not knowing your girlfriend's surname? whom you've living together for at least a year? I didn't even think about it. Sophie hides it? Sophie doesn’t know her own surname and lives with a different last name? Jenny just doesn't bother to find out such obvious information? It seems like a topic for another discussion.

4. The examples I gave in the original post are not literal, but are evidence of how much resonance the Walten family's case had among the Brighton society. I didn't mean that everyone there listens to the same radio station, reads the same newspaper and watches the same news channel for a 7,000 people town. I meant that Jack and others weren't some kind of no-names, unlike ordinary BSI workers, about whom Jenny for some reason knows and even saw&remembered their missing posters (she calls Ashley 'very pretty'. So the some random girl image from four years ago remains in her memory, but the fairly famous businessman name doesn't?).

I'll admit I realized shortly after I answered that ask that it was directed less specifically towards you, and moreso broadly directed at the gist of your complaint as well as a bunch of other similar complaints I've seen that I hadn't given myself the opportunity to talk about before. Which isn't particularly fair to you, so I'll stay more specific to your particular criticism this time.

I'm sort of confused by this. I'm trying to imagine what you think a better version of the /sophiewalten scene would be. You're saying you'd like it more if when Sophie didn't remember her father's name, Jenny filled her in on it being "Jack Walten", which is a name she remembers as a locally famous person from her childhood/early adulthood who disappeared. Which is.. fine? But that ultimately relies on rewriting Jenny to have information which she is clearly not supposed to have canonically. Information which (in my opinion, anyway), could spoil some of the most interesting opportunities for storytelling that The Walten Files has. I think it's actually really important, narratively, that Jenny has as little information as possible regarding Sophie's family, so that Sophie can seek that information out for herself and obtain it by actually interacting with the story, instead of just being told by another character. So, let's assume that's not what you mean, and what you're actually saying is that when Sophie brought up not remembering the name of her father, Jenny, in response, should have given some sort of excuse as to why she doesn't remember his name either. The name of her girlfriend's father which she isn't aware has anything to do with Bunny Smiles-related info that she may or may not have. I don't think I need to explain why that would feel really weird and unnatural, actually. I think it would bog down the scene very unnecessarily and take away from one of The Walten Files' only examples (so far) of interesting, character-focused exposition. The thing I'm additionally implying here is I think the knowledge Sophie has of how her missing family relates to BSI exactly is incredibly limited, and I don't think she's given any information about that connection to Jenny so far, because we have yet to see her do so. All Jenny knows is that her girlfriend's family disappeared. She doesn't know it actually has anything to do with Bunny Smiles, and even assuming she *does* remember that major missing person's case from her childhood, she isn't supposed to have made/remembered the connection between those disappeared people and the modern BSI, much less between both of those things and her girlfriend. If we were to get a textual explanation from the series as to why exactly she hasn't made these connections that would be fine, great even! But I think it would actually be really bad if that explanation occurred in /sophiewalten specifically. I think it would really weaken that scene. You have to remember we're literally only 1/4 of the way through the series right now, it has plenty of time to patch up little holes like this if it decides to do so. (That said, I really don't even think this explanation absolutely needs to happen? I'm sure it would settle people with opinions like yours, and that's all well and good. But, like how you say you were asking that question within the first 15 minutes of reading /sophiewalten, I very much wasn't. I'm struggling to articulate what exactly I'm trying to get across here, except that I was and am willing to suspend my disbelief far enough to just accept that Jenny doesn't have any more information here than Sophie does without additional explanation, because I think anything otherwise would have made what is legitimately a very good scene between those two characters a lot worse.)

I think I accidentally effectively addressed your other two points already. They are addressing a point which I personally think is fundamentally moot. I do not think there needs to be any explaining of whether or not Jenny knows Sophie's surname or why there's a line subtly implying Jenny's lesbianism instead of explaining why she doesn't remember the children's restaurant entrepreneur who was on the cover of Livingston Today Magazine eight and a half years ago

[honipaii]

REVIEW TIME!

Okay, I've been waiting to write a review for this one!

Let's introduce Henri from "The Ssum" (Bravo, Bravo!)

I just fell in love with Henri since the first time I saw that post.

Elise broke my heart (I don't hate her) but I understand that mama's boy, I hope they are all happy.

Everyone got them own flaws but Henri had been empathic with me until now. And his voice! His laugh! So heart-warming! Omg, he's so silly and cute and serious and and...!! I love him. I want to know him more!

Update! Spoilers ahead!

I'm heartbroken, Henri isn't a bad guy he's just dependent of his family. Until this day (8th day of his route) I've been able to know him more and more, I really like it. Sometimes he says things that break my chicken heart like this message:

And I'm like 'Gosh, dude! Don't even say that! U r a good man, shut it!'. I don't hate nor dislike him. There're just bad people (Elise, stop. You can still change) that don't understand Henri. It breaks my heart! Do it again, Cheritz!

Update! (Yes, again) And Spoilers! (Again)

Look at him! OhGoshILoveHim! (He broke my heart like 3 times but that's for the sake of the plot)

I love how he's written and his problems too. And with the problems he has, it makes sense for him to act like this. He just needs patience and he needs love too...! (Our, the MC's, love. Not Elise's twisted love)

Update! (Yes, again 222) And Spoilers! (Again 222)

I'M. SO. SUPER. IN. LOVE

I LOVE a man who can talk about casual plans like himmm. I LOVE a man who is happy about the idea of being in the same house as me. (I love the idea of me being loved by Henri).

Let. Him. Cook.

Duudeee, the way I'd literally eat anything this man gives me DUDE.

LET HIM COOK 222 (for me)

Update! (Yes, again 333) And Spoilers! (Again 333)

We are cringe, but we are free. I literally told him to wear cat ears as a joke and HE ACTUALLY DID IT? Gosh- Henri, you're killing me.

Anyways, I can't actually believe that everything with Elise haven't been resolved yet! It's ok (?) to make a fuss because of someone "played" with your child. But because that someone haven't responded ik two days? That someone is a doctor. Doctors have a hard time you know?? I was legit confused.

Your honor! This man is the silliest!

Update 444! Spoilers 444!

Your honor! What!?

I- what? Here I can see that Henri is getting his karma, ik ik he have a red flag or two (or three...) but isn't this a little bit... I don't know... EXTREME? Lord? He literally fainted, I was shocked (Not much, he wanted me to feel sorry (I am but he's nit the only victim here) for him)

Now in 14th day of his route, it's about to end and I'm TREMBLING IN FEAR cuz there still are problems to be solved;;...

Last Update (12-04)

The last day finally came and I'm SOBBING. I ALREADY REACHED THE LIMIT OF IMAGES AND I WANTED TO AHHH

Henri I love him, mom. When he said 'I'll say the rest when I get back to the island. So wait for me' I was DYING, I knew that was the last day, it hurts.

So far I've really liked Henri.

So so much. I mean- the way he's always considerate towards me yet the way he's just like a little kid wanting attention and avoiding culpability because of his parents and childhood makes me want to-!!! It drives me insane how much I grow fond of him of his calm voice when he talks about little things and when he's stressed, seeking comfort in the MC.

I REALLY liked Henri. I'm now testing other ssumone while waiting to another update.