#I've only been able to do it once
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I recently finished watching It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, so I drew The Gang
#Mac is fucking impossible to draw i'm struggling so hard trying to nail his design down#Like it's so hard capturing what his face looks like#I've only been able to do it once#Dennis is kinda hard to draw too- but not as much as Mac#Which is frustrating because lemme tell yall- I am endlessly enthralled by that man#He's my favorite by far#Anyways- expect more art for this show bc I love it so much#its always sunny in philadelphia#iasip#iasip fanart#charlie kelly#charlie day#frank reynolds#danny devito#mac mcdonald#rob mcelhenney#dennis reynolds#glenn howerton#dee reynolds#kaitlin olson#my art
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@sasheneskywalker i love when you enable me to ramble about things because oh my god do i have thoughts.
so recently, i made a post discussing the phenomena of DC x DP and DC x MLB crossovers and why they exist and part of that post was discussing how largely speaking, at least half, if not more of the Batfamily fandom doesn't read the comics. if they interact with canon DC material, it's adaptations that are their own sequestered universes and oftentimes not remotely comic accurate or seeking to be. the most obvious example is the Young Justice cartoon. i'm adding a cut to this post because it just got so long i'm so sorry.
a lot of times, when people are discussing the "why" of this oversaturation of fanon-only fandom, they blame Wayne Family Adventures. and i think, to a point, i agree WFA is responsible for a boom in this fandom. but as someone who's been in the fandom long before we had WFA, to me it's the other way around. WFA was DC's way of meeting the demand for this easy-to-get-into, easy-to-consume content about the Batfamily that predicates itself on the comics just enough to be vaguely the same characters, but has a more sitcom, slice-of-life sort of vibe so DC could profit off of this section of the fanbase that otherwise wasn't consuming its primary material. and well, it's definitely worked. not only that, but i have a weird theory that the decline in the MCU also led to the rise in the Batfamily fandom. when you consider the fan content that made the MCU popular within fandom, it's that 2012 "they all live in Avengers Tower and Thor is eating poptarts and Clint is in the vents and there are movie nights every Friday" sort of vibe. those were the fics that were a hallmark of the fandom. and as the MCU has strayed from well... quality content in general, but specifically well-thought-out crossover content where characters can have their own arcs but also exist in a wider story where they clearly care about each other, that fandom was sort of homeless. so where do you go, if you like a superhero found family where you can have villains for angst but also stick them all in one big family-like home for silly crack and have a plethora of options for gay ships? well. you go to the Batfamily. if you write a crack/fluff Batfamily genfic with silly vibes and low stakes instead of say, a fic about a very specific comic issue even if it's a popular comic, you're *going* to get more traction for the former. because the fanbase largely just isn't reading the comics.
and i feel... complicated about this. because on one hand, Don't Like Don't Read has been a tenet of my fandom experience. i'm very pro-fandom and that includes fandom content i don't like. and to an extent, i do think this sort of should apply to Batfamily fanon. i enjoy having my moments with other comic purists, giggling over exceptionally painful OOC headcanons or even facepalming in pain over some content but it is on me to not interact with that content. you don't make fandom a better place by being hostile to fans who engage with canon in ways you don't approve of. and frankly? we as comic readers are not going to get non-comic fans to read the comics by being asshats to them. no one is going to want to pick up any comic if we get a superiority complex about it. and also, i feel like we're all lying to ourselves a little bit insisting comics are so, so easy to get into. they're not. we can just all agree, they're really not. i've been single-handedly helping my sister get into comics, specifically Wonder Woman and no matter how simple i make it, i watch her get frustrated trying to understand what pre-Crisis and post-Crisis and New-52 and Flashpoint and all these things mean and what a retcon vs a reboot is and what a Crisis Event is and what the hell Diana's current backstory even *is*. sure, you can give someone a beginner list of comics to start with and slowly dip their toes in the water but sooner or later, *something* is going to confuse them. comics as a medium straight up aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea. and if someone *just* wants to read silly fluffy fanfiction about the Batfamily, i can't entirely begrudge them for not wanting to take the hours and hours out of their day to understand this medium. it's not an accessible medium to get into. "read this and this, but this run is out of print and this run wasn't collected in trades at all but also make sure you read that event in order and this is a good comic but the backstory in it is retconned and you *have* to read this it's so important but it's also really bad because the author kind of sucks" sounds. ridiculous for someone who like. just wants to read some stuff about Nightwing. sometimes, we all make reading comics sort of sound like a chore, not a hobby.
so my point is, i do extend some grace to Batfamily fanon for existing. i think my biggest gripe is, as i said in my other post, misuse of tags (if you're not creating content about comics, maybe you don't need the comics fandom tag on Ao3, just the all media types umbrella tag) and my far bigger gripe: when panels are taken out of context to support fanon only headcanons. if i could impart *anything* onto the Batfamily fandom as a comic fan it'd be this: if you haven't *read* the comic, don't spread the panel. if you don't even know what comic it's *from*, don't spread the panel. it's fine to use comic panels to discuss your headcanons, but so often i see someone spreading a comic panel from a comic they haven't read, and when asked where it's from, they can't source it. a silly example that comes to mind is a post going around, taking a panel where Dick, in his internal monologue goes "here comes the sun. do do do do." and the post is claiming it's from him getting buried alive. when that panel comes from Nightwing (1996) #140, and he gets buried alive in Nightwing (1996) #127, two completely different moments frankensteined together. if you're going to not read the comics, that's completely fine, but unless you're sure of the source and the context, panels shouldn't be spread around. i'm sick of this specifically happening to Red Robin (2009), with ppl claiming Tim has totally killed people because he blew up some of Ra's' bases, when those panels within context, make it clear he gave everyone time to escape. and in a later arc in that very comic, Tim grapples with the idea of murdering Captain Boomerang, and *specifically chooses not to*, because he doesn't agree with murder, even against the person who has hurt him the most. if you'd like to write fanfiction where Tim is pro-murder and has done some sketch things, i'm totally on board and would probably like to read it. but there's no need to pretend it's canon from a few panels you saw out of context.
beyond that, i think it's not *entirely* correct to say that fanon is harmless. whenever i see very WFA-positive posts, they often default to the argument that WFA is fun and silly, and comic fans are killjoys for not liking it. which. i think is complicated because the issue is, WFA and fanon don't exist in a vacuum. if you like WFA power to you, i don't think it's the worst thing ever, but i do think it's degrading to these characters because honestly? they feel incompetent in the webtoon. it's one thing if WFA was solely a slice-of-life sort of deal, just having silly episodes where Bruce is taking on a PTA mom or they're all fighting for the last cookie. but when WFA attempts to take on more serious plots with these characters, it *fundamentally* falls flat in understanding them. i get it, Bruce comforting Jason having a panic attack because a noise reminded him of the crowbar felt cute in a microcosm, but i'm so serious when i say that storyline destroyed how like. half of this fandom understands Jason Todd's relationship to his trauma. it doesn't understand how he reacts when he's triggered, what coping mechanisms he seeks out, and how he would handle Bruce comforting him. even if i can believe for a brief moment Jason *would* be triggered by something like that, him running and trying to hide and then getting a hug from Bruce to make it okay is just. painful. WFA needs everything to be wrapped up in a nice, neat little bow. so even when it starts to tackle interesting concepts, it makes them fall flat with its need to be soft, low stakes, hurt/comfort. there was a two-parter episode that dealt with the complicated mutual hatred/jealousy between Tim and Damian that *almost* really interested me because for once, it felt like the webtoon wanted to explore canon messy dynamics. but of course, it had to be fixed with one conversation and a hug. you don't mend the *years* of issues these characters have like that. WFA isn't in character because these characters are hyperbole cartoonified versions of themselves to fit within the medium and be a cute happy family.
because that right there, is the crux of it. the Batfamily fanon seeks to simplify the Batfamily and force them into a nuclear family. there are so many fantastic posts on here discussing how the nuclear family-ification of the Batfam is eroding decades worth of complex histories so i won't go too far into that. but what i will say is that there's this need, in the Batfamily fandom, for the Batfamily to exist as a unit. they are a *family*. (honestly i think calling it the Batfamily is a misnomer and has been for years but we're in too deep now.) they exist to each other first, and any teams or friends they have come secondary to this family unit. you can *specifically* see this demonstrated in what headcanons are becoming popular these days. i have an entire lengthy meta in my drafts about how i *loathe* the "the Batfamily meets the Justice League" genre of fanfic because it makes no *sense*. in order to have this genre of fic exist, you must operate under the assumption that no one in the League, or adjacent to the League, knows the Batfamily exists and are thus utterly shocked to discover Batman has kids. and to make *that* work, you have to strip *every single Batfamily member* of such important dynamics and friendships so you can lock them all in Gotham for their whole lives. Dick can't have the Titans, Tim can't have Young Justice, Duke & Cass can't have the Outsiders, Jason can't have the Outlaws, Damian can't have the Supersons, Babs can't have the Birds of Prey, and so on. because if they had these relationships, they would be known to the League. the Batfamily fandom doesn't care about this, it's just "silly fanfiction", it's not trying to be serious. but how can you say you like Dick Grayson as a character if you don't understand the Titans *are* his family? at some points of his life, moreso than the Batfamily even is. it is constantly repeated to us in most comics with Dick how much the Titans mean to him. he *needs* them to be who he is. the same extends to every other Batfamily member, most of which have been full League members at this point. but in fanon, that doesn't matter. the Batfamily are a sequestered unit first, and all of those side relationships are secondary and easy to toss away, if it makes your fanfic work better.
and because they have to be a unit first, you have these forced relationships that dump years of actual canon material for the sake of making them get along. the Batfamily fandom has its favorites and well. it's no secret it's usually the boys. Jason and Tim by *far* stand out as fandom faves so, their dynamic is a heavily explored one. it does matter that in canon they don't tend to get along and especially don't see each other as family. what matters is that you can push dynamics onto them. and so fanon gets all twisted up about which Robin Tim actually idolized as a kid (Dick) and what member of the Batfamily is pro-murder but still an older sibling figure to him and looks out for him (Helena, or if you want the dynamic of once tried to harm Tim but they've reconciled, Jean-Paul) in favor of who's the most popular. Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian are always going to be the standouts for popularity, but it's specifically Jason and Tim who are getting fanonized the most. and that's because really, we don't have much canon content of Tim that *isn't* the comics. for Dick you've got Young Justice (tv), for Damian you've got the DCAMU, for Jason you've sort of got the Under The Red Hood movie, but Tim sort of lingers in this limbo. (yes, he's in Young Justce (tv) and Titans (live action) but in neither is he the main character nor given much depth) so, he gets a *lot* projected onto him and has become fanonized. and even with Jason's animated movies, you don't see him interact with Tim, so people build it from the ground up how they want to see it, disregarding of canon comics. i think it's what makes him so popular in the first place- he's malleable into whatever you want or need him to be.
and of course, the fanon ignores other characters in the Batfamily it doesn't know about. i feel like you could create a tier list of Batfamily characters by their popularity, going from the fandom main characters: Tim, Jason, Bruce, Alfred, Dick, Damian. to the underrated: Steph, Duke, Babs, Cass. to the forgotten about unless they're convenient for a story: Kate, the Foxes, Helena Wayne, Carrie, Selina, Harper Row, Maps, Minhkhoa Khan. to the absolutely unknown: Helena Bertinelli, Jean-Paul Valley, Onyx Adams, the Clovers, Julia Pennyworth. it's not lost on me that the ignored characters tend to be women and people of color. which is both a canon and fanon problem, DC will continue adding interesting characters to the Batfamily, play with them for a few years, then drop them to default to the "Batboys" again. and it's a vicious cycle of the fandom only caring about the "Batboys", and thus people entering the fandom via fanon osmosis won't have content about the other characters, therefore, they won't be interested in those characters enough to create it, and it's just this ouroboros consuming itself, no matter how much canon content we have of these other characters. and it's ridiculous just how large the Batfamily is becoming because of this, which is why i'm a pre-Flashpoint fan, because then the Batfamily was contained enough to actually feel like a family with every character having nuances relationships with each other, but i digress because those thoughts could be their own post.
and the thing about fanon is it doesn't exist in a vacuum. DC has started turning the comics to accommodate for what fans are asking for, because fans will beg and beg for content they're not going to consume. Tim Drake: Robin had Tim as a coffee drinker because that's the fanon accepted headcanon. and the resolution of the recent Gotham War arc was for Bruce to buy this new manor for everyone to move in and call him. nevermind that most of these characters have their own homes and have zero reason to be moving in with Bruce. Tim had his marina in Tim Drake: Robin, Dick has Bludhaven, Cass and Steph have their little side of town in Batgirls (2022), and so on. these characters are being forced together as a unit, as one big happy family living together, to appease what non-comic fans want and it's damaging comic relationships. Robin: Knight Terrors saw Jason and Tim team up and working together, which i've seen varying opinions on but i personally despised. their interactions made zero sense for any of their canon history, but it appeases them being this close sibling relationship that fanon acts like they are. also the fears they faced in their respective knight terrors didn't make sense for either character and *only* worked as a moment of bringing them together so they could reassure each other and have this weird dreamscape bonding moment. the canon is bending itself to the will of fanon rather than building on the pre-existing complex relationships. Tim barely even gets along with his most important team in Dark Crisis: Young Justice because it seems the only important relationships the Batfamily can have is with each other. and when we do see them outside of the Batfamily, it only seems to be to relive the glory days like with World's Finest: Teen Titans, instead of developing them as they currently exist. this isn't recent in the comics, it feels like you can trace it back to the New-52, but it does feel a *lot* worse over the recent years. WFA is fine when it exists in its own bubble, but the simple truth is, DC content never exists on its own. the adaptations will reflect back onto the comics. (the damage the Young Justice cartoon has done to some characters should honestly be studied) and so it does frustrate me a bit when fanon-only or adaptation-only fans act like we're being nothing but killjoys for being frustrated with this. since they don't read the comics, they don't see how the comics are suffering as a result of this.
people argue about what's out of character for the comics they don't even read. i'm sorry, but "bad dad Bruce" is consistently canon. that man is just kind of shitty. when you take someone who has the drive he has, who has this need for the Mission first, who needs a teenager in spandex next to him to keep him off the ledge, that guy is sort of going to be a shitty father figure. he just is. not on purpose or with malice, but when you compare him to any other dad in a big DC family, he sure takes the cake. it's why characters like Oliver Queen tend to *really* fucking hate Bruce for how he treats his kids. Bruce loves fiercely, but he doesn't do well with putting that love first. and his love is a controlling one, he is very particular about controlling how others in the Batfamily are "allowed" to operate. it's what drives the wedge between him and Dick, it's why Steph is never a true daughter to him. (besides the reason of her needing to be a love interest to Tim first, anyway-) i've never understood the massive outcry of people reacting to Bruce kinda being shitty in comics they're not reading. there are some moments that get ridiculously OOC with how cartoonishly evil he is (the whole Gotham War arc and that... complicated mess with Jason) but largely if you want sitcom loving nuclear father Bruce, you have to accept that is a fanon thing, not a canon one. the Batfamily being a nuclear family in *general* is fanon. most of the "Batkids" don't actually see Bruce in a particularly fatherly light and begging for moments where he calls them his kids or they call him dad outside of incredibly specific circumstances is just OOC.
it's getting harder and harder to exist peacefully in this fandom it feels like, if you don't comply to the standard fanon has set. i'm happy people are having fun with their blorbos, even if in ways i dislike, but that "harmless fandom fun" does ripple it's way back to canon, eventually. so i end up pretty tangled with my feelings because are fans at fault for DC making these poor decisions? probably not, but it certainly feels like an unfortunate cause-and-effect situation whether at the end of the day, nobody is happy. and of course, i know some fanon-only fans are striving to be more canon accurate and care about canon dynamics more than others, but for them it's always going to be an uphill battle with the above-mentioned out-of-context panels thrown around and ever-pervasive fanon overtaking anything that's truly seeking to be canon compliant. so really, it sometimes feels like we're all losing.
#necrotic festerings#batfamily#batfamily meta#dc comics#fandom meta#fan studies#fanon vs canon#i deleted paragraphs of this to try to make it shorter. it failed btw.#anyway i got into comics when i was like 12 with the dark knight returns#and if i hadn't been into this medium for a decade i don't think i would be able to get into it as an adult so i get it#bc i'm trying to get into marvel comics and fuck ME am i confused as fuck.#do marvel comics have like. an equivalent to crisis events?#is the ultimates like their version of the new-52? i do NOT know#it's so hard and daunting so trust me i get it#if you never wanna pick up a comic god i respect you you're so right this is fucking miserable#i want to live and let live in fandom but *god* i'm struggling here#i used to bend to the will of fanon fun fact#i wrote my share of tim and jason fics playing into fanon tropes. god i hate them *now* but they did fucking numbers.#and i used to care more about getting attention in fandom than being accurate#i've matured now. it's why i write on anonymous so much to remind myself this should be for me.#anyway i could do a character study on every batfam member as fanon vs canon#ESPECIALLY tim and jason. i know so much about them trust me.#jason todd fans annoyed me so much i once sat and read almost every fucking jason comic. i didn't even like him.#but i tell you what i know that man and he will never leave my top five characters on league of comics.#this is so long. is anyone going to read all of this.#if you do you're a fucking trooper i'm saluting you.#this isn't even all of my thoughts i had to condense myself.#bc i also have thoughts about how this means some characters no longer get to exist outside of the batfam#because they only exist as a member of the unit#ergo we have very little current content of helena bertinelli or onyx adams or duke thomas
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yall Im so fucking tired. This month has been exhausting. I promise Im alive, just barely functional atm.
#personal#rant below#begining of the month docs said dad had less than a month. Hes still around but declining#been taking care of him and my mom#along with working full time#and my boyfriend doing his damndest to keep me busy when Im not helping with dad#which is great except Im so tired#but also I havent been able to sleep much#and I've lost my appetite which apparently is a grief thing I didn't know about#So I've managed to get all the physical grief symptoms and it is taking a fucking toll#so your girl is sleeping in tomorrow and spending the day doing my own little crafts and avoiding people as much as I can#a girl just wants some sleep and a fulfilling snack but all she is being given are slight naps and unappealing food. send help.#anyways after this experience Ive decided that I no longer give any fucks because you only live once so Im just gonna do what I want foreve#and actually live life instead of being constrained by societal standards#after all this is over of course. gotta take care of dad first#also I got to paint the door because he was sick of staring at the porch. so its a lake view now#woooo#yeah so thats my life update for you all#also I saw a girl for the first time in 9 years today who completely changed the tradgetory of my life and didn't know it. so that was fun.#exhausing but fun#also idgaf about spelling right now I am running on caffeine and pure will power atm
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I ordered a siddur for myself and I'm so excited for it to come (they say it'll be here this shabbos 👁️👁️)
#jumblr#jewish conversion#jew by choice#personal thoughts tag#i've been doing well especially since i only see our siddur once a week#but i want my own to actually be able to study and learn from
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People like this have made me terrified that I am mischaracterizing my favorite character by playing into his strengths and emphasizing them so much... That I'm making things "too anime", "too over-the-top", and by doing that straying away from the groundedness that made the character compelling in the first place... But I think it's better to be a fan who loves someone so much they're willing to step into goofy over-the-top showcases of strength and morals out of love than being a fake fan who only ever rags on what they proclaim is so dear to them. I dunno. I don't think I'm wrong in saying that. I'm hella insecure when it comes to my own writing, especially with this guy because I want to do him as much justice as I possibly can as a writer. But I have to convince myself that it's not too much.
#logs#it doesn't help that i've been exposed to a lot of bad writing and cynical critique in general‚ so i'm even more fearful...#but i think the cure for that is to just... read more‚ and read with an honest heart#i don't know... i feel like i have a lot of growth to do as a person‚ as a reader and writer before i can execute this to the level where it#can truly be considered a masterpiece. grounded‚ yet not so. over-the-top in every way while also providing meaningful critique and#commentary on the nature of humanity. gutwrenching dialogue packed neatly with the most insane displays of asskicking. commentary on how war#is cruel and bad and only sows misery contrasted with the coolest battle scenes you have ever seen. these are the essence of the things i#love‚ and i want to be able to channel that through my own writing as well. it's the only way to do justice to the source material‚ the only#way to truly pay a tribute to the things that i love.#now that i am free‚ i can finally become more cultured... read more books‚ watch more films‚ inhale old mecha anime... it's what i've always#dreamed of doing#i just need to undo the mental shackles of ''i cannot do this right now''... i can. i finally can. i just need to let my mind catch up to#that. give it a little push along the way#once that's done... the journey begins.#i anguish a lot over the fact that my writing is locked in a tomb for the next decade... but sometimes‚ like now‚ i think‚ hey‚ maybe that#isn't so bad. imagine how many movies you can watch in those ten years... good movies‚ bad ones‚ exceptional ones... i'll have grown so much#as a writer by that point in time because i'll have learned the ''how'' part of what i want to write. i have the ''what'' already‚ and a#general idea of ''how''‚ but... ten years from now‚ i'll be able to write everything in a way that truly makes my eyes shine#a rare moment of me being hopeful for the future... i cherish it as those don't last very long in my life. i more often tend to despair#(cursed be the chemical disbalance!)#but yeah. there is a lot to look forward to despite the hardships. sure it would've been nice to just... have it all here‚ but... that's not#the world i live in. and maybe this one isn't so bad‚ either.#i have my box of scraps. now i just need to make it out of the cave.#the deadliest type of man is one with motivation and a purpose. right?
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this keeps me up at night btw.
#mipha#botw#loz breath of the wild#TWICE??? SHE DID IT TWICE??????? AND WE'RE JUST GONNA MOVE PAST THAT????????? literally NO one else has been said to be able to do this#and like. hm. is it. is it... love??#like you know how zelda and her powers are implied to work the same. they focus on protecting the one(s) they love & their powers activate#(i know people theorise that mipha was going to tell zelda her power works when she thinks about link but i've always thought she was going#to say that it works when she thinks about saving the person under her care. because it doesnt really make sense to me that her healing#would work for other people if she was only focused on saving link you know? so i've always thought it was just 'saving the people i love')#and zelda is technically able to do this with link after he wakes up and he's the only person her powers woke for#so does this work maybe like an inverse or an extension of how their powers usually work? like instead of it just being their love for the#other person it's the other person/people's love or reciprocated love for them. zelda & link are implied to have really only had each other#but mipha. mipha had a family and a whole kingdom. she was connected to nearly all of them when she passed and both these events#are said to have taken place shortly after she fell. in the dlc she asks link to pass on a message to sidon for her implying that she#can no longer speak to him as she once could. perhaps that's just her power waning over time but if you think about it in the context#of how the domain is slowly losing people who knew her and those who remain only remember her for what she did for them rather than who#she truly was then could she have stopped being able to connect with them because there was no one left who loved her as they once did.#loved her for who she was.#was she in vah ruta reaching out for her father and brother and realising slowly that they were forgetting her#... 'do not cry. just remember' huh.#freya talks loz#so consumed by mipha thoughts i forgot my own tag
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my issue is that 2 weeks ago I was flip flopping on what decision to make while being very convinced that I wanted to try to leave and that doing so would make me happy and no matter how difficult it was it would be worth it. Just like how i wanted my surgery but was still wracked with guilt leading up to it. Now im stressed and obsessively thinking about it while being convinced that leaving would not make me happy at all and would not be worth it. which is a lot harder...
#talkys#and its extra hard bc the surgery is the only thing in my life I've been 100% sure about.#also my brain is doing the extra steps stuff and im already exhausted especially since i once again dont really have#family on my side or excited for me#thinking about having to have them drive me up for the job interview then having to get apartment#lease and then having to organize and throw away and pack my stuff and then unpack it#while never knowing if rent is going to be way too high next year is already too much#knowing that i love being alone but would be very lonely and not have any extended time to come home and spontaneously#go to the movies or some local event with my siblings makes me sad#the only friend id have in the new location has her own life and partner and such. id just be alone and not#wanting to leave my apartment bc i hate driving#the good times here are rare but they'd be non-existent in an empty apartment#and id likely be too tired to do hobbies after work and chores and staying alive#the color rly has drained from me not even the thought of being able to transition is saving me#nothing would change for the better
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#so one half of the couple i'm house/dogsitting for had an unexpected medical emergency on their trip#which -- i won't go into details but it culminated in a pretty serious diagnosis and emergency major surgery#and now they're coming home today after getting medevac transport back to california#and have asked me to stay here for a few more days while they settle in#as the one who had the emergency needs 24/7 care during recovery but is being released from hospital to recover at home#and they need someone to basically keep looking after the dog/keep her from getting in the way while they figure out what care he needs#anyway i agreed to stay a few days like they asked#which means i'm trying to finish my coursework before they get back later this afternoon but man my focus levels are LOW#and honestly they have been for several days at this point because once again it seems that waiting to hear about medical stuff has become#somewhat of a panic response trigger for me since the extended nightmare of february this year with my dad#and mostly i've been able to compartmentalize but the energy that takes has truly wiped me out#to the point that i'm genuinely shocked it hasn't set off a fibro flare up (touch wood)#also i really don't know this couple very well at all -- they're mostly friends of my parents-in-law#i've looked after their dog for them several times over the past couple of years#but obviously that's been while they aren't home#and i've only had fairly brief interactions with them#so i do feel a bit awkward about being here while they're going through something so serious and personal#but they're nice people and they need the help and i'm able to provide it so i'm gonna push past that#anyway just a tag post venting thing
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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sometimes I believe that My tendency to avoid telling My family when I'm having health issues is just the result of avoidant cognitive distortions, but then I actually do it, get told that it's "normal" and/or a lifestyle issue, and realize the real cognitive distortion was expecting help at all -_-
#personal#I'm struggling to breathe and My heart rate is high. inhaler doesn't help. go tell My mom about it and she says#1. try again. 2. drink water. 3. eat a mint. 4. I'm getting fat#and then last time I told her about this same issue she said#1. I have anxiety from too much silence (I'm auditorily hypersensitive? noise gives Me anxiety not the other way around)#2. I'm so sedentary that it's only natural that standing up would give Me tachycardia (I obviously stand up multiple times a day everyday)#3. I don't need a therapist (which I've been asking for) I need a physician#and it's just a ton of excuses to deny what I'm saying. because how is it just in My head but I need a physician?? make up your mind#am I crazy or sick. it's literally just whatever makes Me look like I need the least intervention in that moment#medical neglect is a bitch man. it's not even that she doesn't want Me to be healthy. she absolutely does#but she just never wants to believe that it's THAT bad. I can't have anxiety because it's just cabin fever#I can't be delusional because I'm just spiritually gifted. I can't have an arrhythmia because I'm just fat. so on and so forth#she constantly doubts that I'm doing anything for My health on My own (I literally asked for a fitness boxing game this christmas#and yet she doesn't believe that I exercise in My own time until I outright tell her)#and never believes that I'm suffering beyond something that can easily be solved. it's so patronizing#she acts like I've never heard of breathing exercises for anxiety or exercise for hypertension. everyone knows that!!#you acknowledge that I know so much EXCEPT when Me being knowledgeable on a subject would mean that I'd be able to recognize when My health#is failing. once she said she thought I had hypochondria as a child and I increasingly believe that influences how she sees My health today#she said she never told a doctor because she didn't want Me to be dismissed in adulthood and yet she does that same thing to Me#and honestly I do get anxious about My health! I developed contamination OCD when I was fucking eight!#but that doesn't mean that I'm just being compulsive whenever I suggest a need for medical/psychiatric attention!
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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had to go without my adderall for a lil over a week because cvs hates me but i finally just got my rx after also raising the dosage from what it was before bc that shit wasn't working and i KNOWWW it's just because i've been off of it for a while and this will wear off after i've readjusted in like 3 days but i'm baffled rn at how much better i feel already. like for the first time in several months i actually feel AWAKE and like i have control over my own brain and its crazy. i'm finally doing my christmas shopping after putting it off for several weeks & i'm making plans to do other chores today that don't feel like the fake-adhd-hopeful-denial-plans and instead feel like they might actually get done. the stimulant is stimulating me and to be fully honest im a little mad about it
#geniunely having to keep reminding myself it's bc i haven't had any stimulant medication since last tuesday and not to get my hopes up#but mannn its so nice to not be weighed down by fatigue for once. god damn. why can't it be like this all the time it pisses me off !!!!!!#like i've accepted my brain is never gonna work by itself at this point but whyy can't the meds that MAKE it work be CONSISTENT!!!!!!!!#WHY DO THEY ONLY WORK BEST AT THE START!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sigh. maybe if/when this dosage stops working i'll look into immediate release and see how that treats me#even tho the whole reason i've been sticking with XR is bc my brain hates the idea of taking meds multiple times a day#if i can at least have like an On Button or smth in the form of a pill for when i wanna get shit done i might be able to suck it up idkkkkk
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#finished day four of a seven day straight stint at work#and I am so fucking exhausted already#on top of being the one responsible for most of our cats#I've also been charged with caring for two puppies who have been fighting parvovirus#and an eight-month old juvenile dog with a bullet fragment in his spine who may never regain the use of his back legs#and my supervisor as well as one of my co-workers who I'd normally be able to split some of this work with will be off#which is only going to leave me and another co-worker covering cats as well as the three dogs we've been assigned to#and this co-worker flat refuses to work with dogs at all and will only work one area of cats#he won't even handle giving out any medications or anything#which means I'll be doing the majority of the work in cats#my one saving grace is that I can get someone from dogs to help me with the dog with the bullet in his spine if need be#since once I've had contact with the puppies that have parvo I won't be allowed contact with any other dog there#I have some PTO time#I'm seriously thinking about taking some of it
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fic talk in the tags 💝
#aaaaaaaa i have only 4 stores left to write for the advent calendar and then i'm done?! 😭#i can't believe it guys i might actually be able to pull this off 👀#i've literally just winged it day after day with minimal planning#and i haven't even had a breakdown once? gonna knock on wood here real quick lol#i've had so much fun writing all these little stories too 🥺 and i'm fairly satisfied with them as well! yes!! me!! my biggest critic!!#i'm not gonna be writing anything for a while after i get these last ones done though lol i've written SO MUCH during these past weeks#however i did write down a short piece of dialogue in finnish the other day 👀#like. literally 11 words and idk if i'm ever gonna write more but those words just...came to me so i had to write them down somewhere#(it has been peer-reviewed as 'perfect' (thanks eetu <3) and you can totally slide in my DMs if you're curious)#and the college/uni au i've been playing with practically all autumn is something i definitely want to give a try#(so far i only have some random notes and moodboards 😅)#but whatever i'll end up writing i'll do it because i want to and that's what's important 🤍#thank you so much everyone who has been reading these stories or any of my fics this year#i really am not expecting anyone to read my stories and i'm happy if even just one person does 🥺#okay sappy talk over now back to writing byeeeeee#*stories
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I FUCKING LOST YARN CHICKEN NOOOOOOOO
and it's not possible to run out and get another ball tomorrow or any time this week because everyone who drives in my house is currently incapacitated and i'm too tired from my own health bullshit to bus it
i need to go to bed before i spend CAD$14.99 on same-day shipping for a single ball of yarn
#i also want to try and match lot number which i can't do with an online order#and failing that hold it up to my project to see if it's still a close enough match#which i also can't do online#but this project is one of the only things going for me right now since i've been sick#idk if i can wait indefinite time before being able to get another ball#there's not a lot i can do without finishing this row :(#hm. actually theres some stuff i could do#i just hate going out of order#but maybe i can do that. just this once#personal
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the way i've had so much longer to study for exams and yet i'm nowhere near ready for my first one (tomorrow) ... bit of a failure tbh
#not to tumblr rant#but it's 10pm and i still have half an exam paper to do#i'm so tired of it all#and i know i just have to do it#it is what it is etc#but i could have done better if i'd applied myself#and i did not. so i didn't get a summer break and i'm also not going to get the kind of grades i should have been able to achieve from it#i do have to remember that i postponed exams for a reason#but i should be a pro at this by now#and i'm once again barely scraping through (i think)#(that's what it feels like rn)#i had grand plans of spending a couple of months doing a little bit of work every day but i can't do it#i need someone to take control of it all fr#tell me what i have to do and what i don't#because it's the overwhelm that gets me#i'm so tired and it's only just started#tbh i've been tired for a year#and i don't know what to do to help myself stop
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