#but also I havent been able to sleep much
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yall Im so fucking tired. This month has been exhausting. I promise Im alive, just barely functional atm.
#personal#rant below#begining of the month docs said dad had less than a month. Hes still around but declining#been taking care of him and my mom#along with working full time#and my boyfriend doing his damndest to keep me busy when Im not helping with dad#which is great except Im so tired#but also I havent been able to sleep much#and I've lost my appetite which apparently is a grief thing I didn't know about#So I've managed to get all the physical grief symptoms and it is taking a fucking toll#so your girl is sleeping in tomorrow and spending the day doing my own little crafts and avoiding people as much as I can#a girl just wants some sleep and a fulfilling snack but all she is being given are slight naps and unappealing food. send help.#anyways after this experience Ive decided that I no longer give any fucks because you only live once so Im just gonna do what I want foreve#and actually live life instead of being constrained by societal standards#after all this is over of course. gotta take care of dad first#also I got to paint the door because he was sick of staring at the porch. so its a lake view now#woooo#yeah so thats my life update for you all#also I saw a girl for the first time in 9 years today who completely changed the tradgetory of my life and didn't know it. so that was fun.#exhausing but fun#also idgaf about spelling right now I am running on caffeine and pure will power atm
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you know the feeling when youve only had one hour of sleep or less and yet youre Very Awake somehow
#saw kagoutis' headcanon about the triforce of power having effects on the host#like increased metabolism or the ability to go for days without needing sleep or something#and i havent been able to stop thinking about that#pov you return to mortal form for the first time after getting the triforce and also being disembodied for who knows how long#and you realize you dont need as much sleep as you used to. if at all. but its not like you have a say in the matter anyway#saying a lot of things in the tags sorry#loz#twilight princess#ganondorf#zant#was going to draw this as oot ganondorf but i never ever draw tp ganondorf so#:]#doodles
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just want 2 say abt the marvel rivals post u made... big mood bc that's me every game getting banished to Magneto, Strange, or Adam bc these ppl wont stop picking Punisher (?) and feeding like crazy… like maybe i want to play (idk any of the dps chars bc I never play them but imagine one here)... but noooo give the 2k dmg guy MVP and not me with 35k damage blocked/healing done..... smh -poro anon
do you really want to play dps when you dont know any of the dps tho ……… much to consider …….
#snap chats#OWDJSK I MEAN IM JUST SAYIN ……. yaint lab any for the day you Can play dps …..#ok im being mean . i Naturally gravitate to tank or support i gen love those roles#but it is very aggravating trying to tank or support alone#at least i feel as though people are more willing to dual support but if youre tank youre on your own#which isnt HORRIBLE its very much doable and ive won games that way but having one SUPPORT on top of that … girls ….#tank is an entirely thankless role which is fine for me but its just…. wow ……#like again im not super affected. except i am because I Repeat two supports is great#mags works best with a second tank but ive been able to win games with just him so w/e#also anon …… i dont think mvp is distributed based on damage blocked ….. its based on kills per second im p sure#idk i actually havent looked into how mvps are achieved in rivals but ill do that in the morn prob#in any case dont hard focus stats since stats arent wholly reflective of whats happening in game#what matters is winning and securing objectives and as long as thats being done then Yippee ….#ofc Play The Game and make yourself a productive team member but dont get caught up in just the numbers#ok that ends my unsolicited tidbit bye bye im sleeping
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I have Mono guys 😡😡 I KNEW IT 😡😡 I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO DO ANYTHING LATELY 🥶🥶 The most annoying thing about this is that it’s ruined my Art fight streak because I’ve been too tired to draw anything!! Ugghhhhh
But lmao the only thing I can manage to draw is that stupid fucking triangle due to me only thinking of that DAMN BOOK ☠️☠️ My fixations can fix me I guess
#But I haven’t been able to finish the bill comic every time I do I just wanna sleep :(#like Ohmygod when I start drawing something I’m like 😈 what if instead 😈 I sleep 😈😈#ALSO THIS IS WHY I HAVENT BEEN TALKING TO ANYONE ONLINE IT TAKES ME SO MUCH EFFORT TO RESPOND TO PEOPLE IM SORRY#but I’ll make rants about Bill Cipher…. Guys wtf is wrong with me 😭😭😭#LIKE WHEN RESPONDING TO ARTFIGHT ATTACKS I HAVE TO LIKE FORCE MYSELF TO DO IT AND IT TAKES LIKE MULTIPLE DAYS UNTIL I CAN MANAGE TO DO IT ☠#unless it’s about bill cipher…. Sighs (GUYS PLEASE DONT QUESTION MY FIXATION ON THIS SHOW ITS ALWAYS BEEN BAD ITS JUST HAUNTING ME AGAIN)
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omg the cute autistic/mutual friend at the party I was talking ab way back just moved into our building!!! I legit ran into him omw in and exchanged instas he is SO adorable and cute and I love him like I just wanna be around him so like tf I am SO HAPPY
#im not sure the post is even still up but me n my friends were just having a casual gettogether and i met him n my post was talking ab how#im glad no annoying autsitics have been introduced to me yet bc ive already met like 3 and theyre all either like#smart autistics or adorable autistics or interesting autistics and i have a crush on two of them including the cute autistic this post is ab#like im so HAPPY omg im gonna bug him so much its weird bc idk what u call the type of crush where its like im not searching for romance#but i will do anything to be in ur prescense bc i know id enjoy being friends or partners or whatever the fuck involves KNOWING YOU#idk lol#yutamayo is starting the day off right (#(its 3:47pm)#at the party we were playing Detroit Become Human anf he seems to also be a hyperfixation/skilled autistic bc he SLAYED at the game i just#enjoyed watching him speedplay at that point#and everyone was ig close enough with him to call him by a semiracist nickname bc hes indigenous n his last name wad apparently too long#so i was like NOPE and made sure to spell it out and resay it so i could say his last name properly instead of his nickname#im noy shading them bc its fine to have a close friend thing where ur able to have a joking nickname ab a characteristic like my bestie#calls me “it” sometimes and thats not something i dislike bc we KNOW each other and its the opposite of malicious intent#but yeah i wad likr nah id prefer to know how to say it#then it was like 3am anf there was only like 4ppl left n he was like yeah i gotta go bavk home to whitby apparently he was just gonna#use the electric scooters they have around town but thats like 30min away in the mf a.m#n he didnt wanna crash on our couch which isfine n everyone else was like mkay bye bc yhey wanted to sleep#n i was like NOPE and hunted down bus fare n waited with him at the bus stop for the night bus n made sure he got on it then never saw him#again#until#today#god fucking bless#*introduced to 3 autistics not 3 annoying autistics the post was ab how im gkad i havent met an annoying autistic in my buikding yet*
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I am EXHAUSTED. On top of all the other things, I've been spending more time trying to make something that Molly will eat to take her meds with, so I haven't had the energy to really cook for myself.
#i need to find the right kind of e colllar for her because she keeps rubbing the sore on her eye on things and makijh a mess of it#i have so much to do and havent been able to do barely any of it#also... sleep? whats that?
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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as i said b4, cant wait til I'm 30 to experience my own yuri cherry maho. its gonna be great
#ive been trying in the past 8 months or so to give dating a go and I've concluded that 1. the apps arent for me also i cant rlly trust an#dating app profile to actually pick a good partner. 2. i hate texting. i prefer in person unplanned low intensity meeting much more.#and 3. I'm not ready for it yet. i want to spend these next 2 years being selfish. i feel like I've never actually been able to be purposely#self centered and frankly a bit selfish. I've never done that. ive always been compromising for false narratives and expectations in ny head#and I'm tired. i dont think i can be a good partner rn until ive had my fill of self centered ness b4 i can progress to a healthy medium.#I'm open and of the right person comes along i trust myself to not drive them away out of habit and hyper independence#but fuck yk. as mich as i want it. its nit for me. tho tbh i do think i should kiss random ppl in bars just once this year bc like.#i havent done that in .. oh god 6 years. mitski was right. one good movie kiss yk#but yea. hhh its 10pm i need to sleep but alas i cannot
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I have to take two more lots of penicillin today I'm gonna fucking SCREAM (vent in the tags)
#vent tw#vomit tw#i thought tablets would be better than the liquid i had earlier in the year#bc i had to have these massive capsule antibiotcs recently and i was able to have those easy despite usually being terrible with pills#and my mom had some capsule penicillin recently so i thought id have the same thing#nope!#im having phenoxymethylpenicillin#and its the most disgusting thing in the fucking world!!!!!!#and its so bitter and big it triggers my gag reflex so i have to fight to get these two massive pills down my painful ass throat#had to try and fall asleep earlier after taking them bc they made me feel so much fucking worse#might have to call up the doctors and ask if theres anything else i can have because oh my god i hate this shit#id even have liquid over this because despite the taste lingering at least i havent been throwing it back up#i have like 24 more of these fucking tablets or smth like that#it was meant to be more but i lost two earlier to throwing up for the first time in my life!!!! 💀#if i ever have tonsilittis again istfg its the most miserable experience ever bc its like every illness combined plus disgusting ass tablets#also if ive misepelled anything im so sorry like i said i had to sleep after my last lot so i just woke up#about to take my third technically fourth lot of the day wish me luck :(
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im thinking again
#ive been dealt the bad hand; the worse hand; the hand from the arm from the body#im just.....okay#Well aaaa its weird#nothing anyone says to me is to *me*#which is fair-- no one knows me. but i do wish i got it. i dont know#the passing of time is still my worst enemy#i love everyone so much. itssssssweird.#if youre following these posts and saw the last one: i think i am still gonna die soon. awwh man. i dunno#but i have no reason to go on truthfully and i dont feel like finding one#im tired and sad OK?#i do want an acknowledgement again#and if you're following these posts im going to do the same thing i did last time and talk to the three tumblr blogs:#1. hi. i really like you. i admit it. j think youre really cool and all. uh okay im supposed to ask a question so here; how are you? well i#hope. k dont know. i havent been reading up like i should be and as for the second blog im talking to here i also havent been reading up lik#e i should im very sorry. i will make that journal again though.#and third blog: hi!! i still have no clue how to do that one thing but youve really gotten me into the hypothetical idea of differences base#f off of like ...area. the thing you said about that one thing.! i javwnt been doing much about it but thinkin but you know thinkin is fun.#i do want to do reading on it but ive been very sad lately and i cannot be bothered#this is really fun talking to people like this. um#youre very cool blog one ive been becoming a big fan of you again#blog two.if you see this: i want you-- I'm sayin that to specify that I'm talking to you. but i dont. anyway: uh. oh no i forgot what i was#gonna say#okay here's to not talking to anyone particular:#i want to do drugs. its the only way ill be able to handle all this.but i... oh hey i have melatonin!!#hmmmmmm#idk#it just puts me to sleep and i hate sleeping cause im always having bad dreams-- both nightmares and just dreams that Suck-- but...... im#desperate.#okay im gonna take a normal dose and just keep it together i hope#I hate sleeping
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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#ik that i need to be honest with my doctor and tell him i havent been taking my meds…#but what if i lie instead and somehow fic it myself#its just what if like i tell him how long i havent been taking them and he decides that i dont deserve them??#which isnt likely and would b a very shitty thing to do that i think legally he might not b able to do but#what if???#i might lie a little and tell him but say its been a shorter amount of time than it actually has been#dude idk but im starting to feel like possibly i might have an episode soon like it feels like one might b coming on and im scared tbh#like idk at this point theres not much i can really do except make aure im getting sleep and continuing to go to my lifting classes#but ya idk#i need to figure out how to get back on track with my meds but im scared to talk to him abt it bc i Just started seeing him#i also start therapy with a new therapist tomorrow and thats scary#but maybe i could talk to het abt it idk
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im just gonna tmi-medication share in the tags real quick
#tales from diana#i want to preface this with i've been prescribed adderall as-needed for adhd for a fullllll decade now#don't come at me with anti-adderall or anti-adhd-medication bullshit im not here for it!!#but my health problems have been so bad and ive been getting the worst sleep of my life lately no matter WHAT i do#i can do everything right#and btw i do not take adderall every day. which is implied by as-needed but i want to stress again I DONT NEED IT EVERY DAY#only when i do like. work. which ive been doing less and less bc of health problems!#but even though i havent been able to physically work so much i still have been taking half-doses a couple times a week just to like. read.#just to have a brain to do ANYTHING when everything is so awful and my brain is so foggy#ive always *sometimes* cut my doses in half if im not doing so much. just to save it y'know.#and ive always also *occasionally* gotten worse or even a really bad night's sleep after taking adderall#most commonly i'll wake up absurdly early the next morning and not be able to fall back asleep#rationing sleep is always something ive been in the habit of doing anyway as a person w adhd.#sleeping 4-6 hours during the week and 10-12 hours on weekends. just to make up for the deprivation y'know.#but even lately cutting my regular dose in half. it's still too much.#my current dose btw is already half of what it was in high school! i decreased my dose already years ago#but yesterday i finally got the nerve to take. a damn quarter of my own pill#and i took the smaller quarter of the half i cut in half.#i was def taking less than 5mg of my damn medication#and i actually didnt sleep like complete shit! and i was also worried#it might not be so effective.#but it actually worked quite well. i had enough focus to read for several hours#i had energy throughout the day too#i sometimes try to do caffeine on days i cant/dont wanna take adderall but caffeine just does not do the addy things so effectively. iykyk.#i cant believe i have to be so skimpy w my own life-sustaining mental health medications just bc my physical health is so bad#but whatever. whatever!#im gonna take another quarter-dose today and finish pericles prince of tyre. have a great day everyone
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I need to fucking redesign my egos again ive been meaning to since April
#im just too Busy and Tired :(#and ive been struggling with anatomy recently also i need to figure out wtf isnt clicking#god i just wanna go back to sleep#why do i have responsibilities :(#oh!!! its also another baby cousins birthday coming up and i need to crochet her a doggy#i think my adderall has been hitting too hard recently. like i havent been able to sleep all week#theres too much shit the world needs to slow down
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I've been trying a "nightmare rescripting" exercise my therapist wrote out for me, and I'm not sure if it's been helping much. It's hard to follow the instructions without getting stressed out due to The Horrors invading my pleasant imagery ._. I've had a couple bad nightmares and a couple normal nights this week, so it's not much different than usual.
I will stick with it for another week and see if there's any changes, but I'm losing hope. I don't really have any ideas on what else we could try. Maybe this is just something I have to accept ._.
#ive been sleeping in a call with my partner lately and it helps to know that someone is there.#i had a really bad one the other day that made me feel so gross ._.#im not so afraid i cant sleep but i am apprehensive about going to sleep.#im worried i will have another one and i really really dont want to experience that. theres only so much srcubbing i can do.#sidenote: my heart has been acting up more lately and its bothering me a bit ._. i still havent been able to see a decent cardiologist.#also my insurance lapsed so i have to pay for my therapy and my medications :( idk if im gonna get back on insurance or not.#sorry for being negative. it is 4:30am and i cant sleep. its too hot. and my head hurts. ._.#batty blogging#text
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#its dumb of me but a few days ago i went with his deadname on google to see if i could see more stuff about his dead#since his friends who were alqo supposed to be my friends did a 'ceremony' together without telling me#even tho i rly wanted to go to be able to grief and to cry it out properly#so since i havent been able to grieve well i did that. search for his deadname. i just wanted to know#and i found out that a page for him was made on the tdor website. there were a ton of details on what was happening#before and after his death#many things i didnt know about. because i was a shit friend and never kept contact. and also because he was secretivz#i feel awful since then. who was i to him. why couldnt i help him. why am i even sorry for myself. he was the one suffering#i keep crying and i cant sleep at night without reading comics until i feel too tired to open my eyes#because otherwise im thinking too much about him. its just too awful. too unjust#i have. weird cravings for alcohol. ive never even drinked much before. im scared of starting to get addicted#but sometimes i wanna get somethibg anything and just drink until i pass out since people say its good to forget#i wish he were still alive. i wish i could hug him and help him. i wish id visited him in the hospital after his 1st mental breakdown#he had sent me a text to tell me he was there but i had work and i was tired and honestly too lazy to go. and now i regret it so bad#its all so unfair. death is so unfair. grief is so unfair. i was afraid i had no heart before because people who died around me didnt#phase me much. i didnt cry. but now that ive experienced the deaths of 2 actually very close people counting one i couldnt grieve forproper#i just wish i had no emotions. that i wouldnt cry when i think of them. but especially him.#and i cant stop thinking about how awful ill be when my parents die. ill be a wreck.#im just crying in my bed and its 4am. everythibg sucks. im so sorry to everyone whos ever met me. im awful#negative /#death m /#suicide m /
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