#I've been active for what? 7 years? 8 years?

[xwhitepolar]

do you also have blogs you dearly admire but keep on accidentally mispronouncing their urls? or realize after YEARS that you have been misreading them altogether (not just, "idk how to say your name", but also "wow the letters were not in this order yesterday were they?") ?

because sometimes I'm here like - 😭

[ID: gif of Good Omens character Furfur, mispronouncing Aziraphale's name three times in a row as "Azirapalala", "Azirapapap", and "Aziphapalala"]

[unforth]

I had a day off yesterday.

And I can already practically hear the assumptions that such a statement is prompting the reader to make. Those assumptions are wrong. I don't mean I didn't work. I did, for about 8 hours. That's not at all what I mean.

I mean my wife took the kids out at 9:30, spent the night with her mom, isn't back yet the next morning.

There are things I NEED people on this website to understand about parenting. And I've talked about it before, and I'll talk about it again, because honestly the way that Tumblr as a cohort talks about parents makes me sick. Multiple polls have shown that only about 2% of people on here are parents. We're a huge minority, and we're constantly talked over, ignored, or accused of being bad parents (like, personally, I have had people reply to my comments or come on to my posts and tell me I shouldn't have my kids). In my case, being a parent means I'm almost 41, I'm married to @ramblingandpie, and our children are inching up on being 8 and 6 years old.

My entire day, and therefore my entire life, revolves around them. I'm up most mornings at 5 AM, because that's the earliest they're "allowed" to wake up, and so my brain just defaults to being awake around then - better to wake up before them, at least then I get a few minutes in the morning. Between 5 and 7, I sit with them, do my social media, work on side blogs, study Chinese. Then it's helping them get ready for school, then my wife or I or both get them on the bus, and then I work until the last possible minute, which is either when I need to go pick them up for an after school activity or when I need to go down and meet them off the bus. My afternoons are after school activities, chores such as washing the dishes and cleaning up toys, talking with them, working with them, playing with them. Their bedtime starts at 7:40, and my son gets scared if I leave before he falls asleep so I sit with him until about 8:15. As soon as he's asleep, I go fall on my face, sleep as best I can, then wake up and do it again. Overnight, it's hard to sleep deeply, because about once a week someone will wake up in the middle of the night and need help. That could be as minimal as a hug or as complex as having to completely change the bedding on a bunk bed at 2 AM while also comforting a child who is afraid they'll be in trouble, or afraid they're sick, or afraid of their nightmare, or, or, or. Further, if a child is awake, there is always noise. I usually study Chinese with two or more competing sources of noise. I read the same way. My life is loud, and active, and consists of constant interruptions.

I adore my family, and I love my children, but this is terrible for me.

I do all of this as an neurodivergent introvert. My clinical depression is at least medicated, mostly because post-partum depression after I gave birth the first time nearly drove me to suicidal in under a week (we were expecting this and were prepared, fortunately, getting help was as simple as a phone call). The constant noise and interruptions and forced socialibility are about the worst combination of home-life I could be subjected to. I spend far too many early mornings just breathing deeply and gearing myself up to be subjected to the wall of Loud, Boisterous, Needing-My-Attention that is every minute when anyone else in the house is awake.

So what did my day off look like?

I helped get the kids ready to go and did some morning chores. I'd been up at 4:30 AM so I also had already social media'd and studied. Then, while my wife finished the preparations, I started work, and I worked from about 8 am to about 4 pm, straight. I didn't get hungry so didn't bother stopping for lunch. No one interrupted me, no one asked me to look at anything they'd built, no one broke my concentration, no sounds could be heard except those I'd chosen myself.

I'd been out the day before at a local shopping street and listened closely to the things the kids said they wanted, so at 4 I grabbed a couple orders I needed to ship for work and drove to our local downtown, dropped the orders in a post box, then went back to the shops and did some Christmas shopping in the 45 minutes or so before everything closed. I think I'm basically done with what we'll get them - other bigger things will be left to grand parents - so that's a load off, I literally had a stress dream earlier this week about it being 12/24 and having forgotten to do the shopping and having to go to (oh horrors) the mall on the day before Christmas. (Reminder: I'm a Jewish atheist. It's just virtually impossible not to Holiday in the Culturally Christian Hellscape that is the US. Also, my wife is Christian. So.) Found something cute for my wife, too, even tho I already know the main thing I'm getting her. Then, I realized - one of my favorite restaurants is on that block. So. I went there. I sat by myself at a table, only the indistinct restaurant hubbub around me. I read four or five chapters of my book, and ate a savory crepe, and drank lovely fruit tea, and got a scone to-go that I'll eat for lunch today. It was more than I probably should have spent on myself - about $25, including tip - but fuck it. I only get maybe a handful of days off all year, and I'm allowed to indulge a little.

Then I came home. There were no lights on. There was no noise. I had considered doing some more merch work while watching TV on the actual television (my kids are too young for subtitled shows, so usually if I want to watch My Shows I either have to do it on my computer when they're not around, or put them on and read all the subtitles aloud while trying to keep up and process the actual meaning of what I'm reading). But when I got back, the quiet and dark was so goddamn NICE that instead I curled up on the couch and read more of my book. I did that until bedtime - still about 8:15, because I'm exhausted. Then...I went to bed. And I slept long and deep, knowing that there was no chance I'd be interrupted and woken up, I didn't have to be, even in sleep, alert to every noise and possibility that I'd be needed.

I'm still exhausted and burned out, but even one night to myself felt really, really nice.

Saying "Tumblr does X" as a universal statement is doomed to failure, but generally speaking, the parenting posts I see on Tumblr, the ones with tens or hundreds of thousands of notes, speak what's apparently widely seen as a truism on here: that unless someone wants to spend 24/7 with their kids, to be 100% emotionally available at all times, is always kind and patient and perfect, they are a bad parent, maybe even abusive. I remember when covid started, there were multiple posts actively mocking the "oh god, my kids are now home all the time, how am I supposed to do this?" attitude that a lot of parents posted in despair. WhY dId YoU hAvE kIdS iF yOu DoN't WaNt To SpEnD tImE wItH tHeM?

Look at what my usual day looks like.

Look at what my day off looked like.

Do you really think I don't want to spend time with my kids? Do you really think I don't love my kids?

But I'm not a fucking MACHINE. I'm a PERSON. That's what people on Tumblr seem to forget. PARENTS ARE PEOPLE. The same tumblrinas who post ~uwu be kind to yourself rest if you need to, you should forgive yourself for that mistake you made~ will turn around, with zero sense of irony, and post "you're a bad parent if you ever raise your voice around a child."

Expecting parents to be perfect means expecting parents to be inhuman. It also means that a parent can't be poor (can't spend all your time being the perfect parent if you have to work multiple jobs or weird hours!), can't be introverted (can't be a perfect parent if you're not completely emotional available, god forbid socializing is exhausting for you), can't be on the ADHD or autism spectrum (what do you mean you forgot to get your kid to a doctor's appointment once? what do you mean over-stimulation can make you angry? how dare you get angry at a kid!), can't be depressed (gotta get out of bed every single day, gotta always be upbeat, patient, happy, or else that's Evil), can't be (like my wife) physically disabled (what do you mean your hands hurt too much to hold a child's hand? are you denying them touch?? CRUEL). And when the only answer you can offer to that is, "if you can't be that perfect you shouldn't be a parent," then you're saying people who aren't middle class to wealthy, people who aren't neurotypical, people who aren't physically able, shouldn't have children.

And honestly...what the fuck is your problem?

I'm not perfect. I tell my kids to just leave me alone sometimes. I raise my voice, especially when one of my kids starts punching the other, but also sometimes just cause I'm exhausted and Can't Anymore. I've forgotten an appointment by accident and felt like a total fucking idiot, and I've skipped an after school activity because I just wasn't up for taking them. I've served them more unbalanced, unhealthy meals than I can count. I've made many, many mistakes, but I've also done my best, and I love my kids, and I hope that when they grow up, they'll still love me even as they recognize that I wasn't perfect, just as I've come to accept my own parents' short-comings while still loving them very much. They're people, too, and the older I get, the more I understand where they were coming from.

When I fuck up, I apologize.

When they tell me they're unhappy with something I've done, I apologize, and I try to do better. Sometimes I even succeed.

This shit is hard, yo. And it's getting harder every year.

I'm BEGGING Tumblr: you need to start seeing parents as people. The way y'all talk about parenting on here is toxic, and genuinely harmful, and frankly exhausting. You have no idea what the reality of raising kids is like, and you need to shut the entire fuck up.

I had a day off yesterday.

I might get one more before the end of 2023.

I already can't wait. I am so, so, so tired. sigh

(if you actually read this whole rant and even a single word of it resonated for you, please reblog it. I'm tired of never seeing positive posts about parenting while I see negative ones with a bajillion notes.)

[crustaceousfaggot]

*Active here means that you're actively creating or engaging with fanworks/fan communities at least once every couple months, and/or that you're engaging with new material as it is released.

So I wouldn't consider myself as having been an active fan of Doctor Who for over a decade, even though I've been watching it since I was a child, since there have been large spans of time where I didn't watch the show or think about it at all

[hellyeahsickaf]

Abled people don't fucking get it.

You don't get to imply I'm living some kind of "forever vacation". It's perpetual pain. If you see me doing something I enjoy, it's not because it's what I'd rather be doing than being "productive". I fucking miss the gym but things like video games are just a much more accessible activity these days. I'm not "lounging", I don't get a break from the pain just that sometimes I'm able to take my mind off of it

Unemployment isn't some kind of break or excuse to not participate in society (capitalism is garbage but being disabled=/=unemployed for the hell of it). For reasons, I fell behind in school, bad. But I got myself a diploma equivalent and finally felt I'd chosen the line of work I wanted. I had connections, opportunities. I had fibro and some fatigue (unknowingly CFS as that was manageable) but I was getting PT and managing it as best I could. All I needed was to take courses and I was ready for that even with the difficulty of my then undiagnosed ADHD.

And then I got sick, really sick. Worst mono infection my doctor had ever seen due to medical neglect, Shoutout to those shitty CVS minute clinics. It made my ME/CFS so much worse, I was stuck in bed all the time before getting put on Adderall for my then newly diagnosed ADHD. Then I thought the fatigue was finally healing and a side effect of Adderall was a huge crash and wave of fatigue. No it turns out when it wore off I just felt the fatigue again lmfao

I was told I'd be better within 6 months. Okay so I can opt for the Spring semester, no big deal. 8 months go by, a year, a year and a half. I waited and waited. Hoping that "when I get better" I could be caught up with everyone else I knew my age. That was over 7 years ago. Do people think I wanted that all taken from me? To get progressively worse and worse?

Do they think loss of agency is something I enjoy? Needing help, being unable to drive, to enjoy my old hobbies, cook for myself regularly? I've been accused of enjoying this and not wanting to get better as if this hasn't put my head in very dark places. Sometimes I feel like I see a way out of this and it isn't recovery. They don't get it. I don't enjoy being heavily medicated but I know I need to be. I don't enjoy having things purchased for me because I want more financial independence. I don't enjoy feeling like a leech, actually.

It's not a vacation, it's hell. You can go on about how much more exhausted you are because you work or whatever but the thing is I don't need a job to feel what you feel after working. I feel like I worked a 12 hour shift after taking a shower on some days, no exaggeration. You can't compare your able bodied exhaustion to the effects of a chronic illness that fucks you up without you needing to work a full time job. This is my full time job and it wasn't the one I was hoping for exactly

[ros3ybabes]

Updated Workouts 🎀

I have been out of the gym for so long. My schedule last semester did not allow it, but when I leave to Colorado in June, I'll be staying somewhere that has its own little gym, and next semester I'll have more access to the university gym as well. I've been doing at home workouts lately! Here's how I structure my workouts throughout the week, and some extra info about my current fitness!

🩷 Monday

Pilates Legs Youtube Workout(s)

🩷 Tuesday

Pilates Abs YouTube Workout(s)

🩷 Wednesday

Morning Yoga YouTube Workout

Pilates Legs/Pilates Glutes YouTube Workout

🩷 Thursday

Full Body Pilates YouTube Workout

🩷 Friday

Full Body Pilates YouTube Workout

🩷 Saturday

Morning Pilates YouTube Workout OR

Morning Yoga YouTube Workout

🩷 Sunday

Wake Up Yoga YouTube Workout

Yoga For Flexibility Workout

So, as you can see, I currently follow YouTube pilates workouts. I will make a list of my favorite workout youtbers on my main blog soon! I prefer low impact workouts at the moment but will switch it up a bit once I am in Colorado.

💕 Some extra stuff for my fitness:

I try to walk 5k to 10k steps a day, whether that be going outside or doing a walking workout in my bedroom

I do all of my workouts in the morning almost right after i get up in the morning. It eliminates obstacles and helps me do something active during the day

I am going to add more stretching into my routine, especially for my legs. I have pretty stiff muscles, and as someone who'd love to be able to do the spilts, I need to start stretching.

I have a foam roller, but it isn't one of the ones with the bumps on it that really helps the muscles, and I'm going to buy one as soon as possible.

I also am going to start using my massage gun on my legs because I've been so sore and again, stiff, and I think it'll be so useful to just use it on my legs at night. It might even help me sleep better.

Sleep!! I have been sleeping 6 to 8 hours a night consistently, and it's so nice. I feel like I can function so much better, and on the days I get closer to 7 hours of sleep, I feel so good when I wake up and can really get to my morning workouts.

I've switched up my diet a bit and eat healthier (in a sustainable way), and it's also helped me with my fitness too! it really makes a difference with what you put in your body! Food is fuel and food is great!

Always open to fitness and health related questions! Please don't forget I am 3 years into my nutrition and dietetics degree, as well as minoring in psyc and exercise science (also have a 2nd major in finance, but that's irrelevant to health). I also research health and fitness topics for fun. I'm not saying I'm the most credible whatsoever, but I do have some idea of what I'm talking about and am always open to questions or even advice you could give me!

til next time lovelies 🩷

[thrashyraccoon]

Jealous Guy (Jealous!Eddie Munson x Reader)

___________________________________________

Summary: Another guy starts hanging around you at work and Eddie is concerned about it.

___________________________________________

You and Eddie have been together for a year and have known each other for two years since you moved to Hawkins. You met in high school, but you've already graduated and work at one of the few grocery stores in town, which Eddie is struggling to finish his senior year. Your relationship is still going very well, as it was at the beginning, but now the boy had reasons to be jealous. A nondescript Harry started hanging around your workplace, or more precisely you. A guy five years older with short blonde hair who wears leather almost 24/7. Of course, Eddie had never seen him. He heard that description from you because you told him about Harry, that he was nice and loved metal as much as Eddie. Then the boy thought to himself "it's cool, I won't forbid my partner from talking to customers in the store. Until he met one of your shift colleagues while picking you up from shift." Be careful, young, a certain guy comes up too often during your girlfriend's shifts. " He heard from a middle-aged woman in a work T-shirt, blond, medium curly hair, currently smoking a cigarette during her five-minute break, which usually lasted forever. And that's when fear and jealousy appeared in the boy. If he says she's a woman who ignores everything that's going on around her (including angry customers), so there must be something to it. A week has passed since the previous information and Eddie couldn't be bothered about it. He really hated being jealous of you and didn't want to be with you to argue about this guy. Eddie knew you loved him, but what if you realized he wasn't a good match for you after all and started dating Harry. After all, you were young, you had just finished school, many dreams were still ahead of you. And he? He couldn't even pass school, twice. So, not wanting to start a misunderstanding, he decided to drive over to your workplace after school, when you still had a few hours before your shift started, to meet the employee he talked to last week.

…

Boy got deya vu. Just like that time, a bored blonde was standing in front of the store door, smoking her cigarette. "Hey, can we talk? I have a case." said Eddie, who was glared at by the woman in response. After a second, however, she returned to her previous activity. “It's about the guy who hangs around y/n.”

This time, without even looking at the metalworker, the employee extended her hand towards him, gesturing for him to give her the cash.

"I have 5 dollars on me," he took out a bill, which she took literally in less than a second and put it in her cleavage.

"He often comes for a Marlboro and they reheat the pizza, it's usually when your partner is there. They always talks eachother" She said, taking another puff of the cigarette

"I know that he's coming. Do you know what they're talking about?" The blonde once again made the payment gesture. The boy took out cash and gave the woman "I have $3 more."

"He hangs around and that I've heard him compliment twice, but y/n seems unfazed by it. You don't have to worry about it."

On the one hand, the metalhead breathed a sigh of relief after this statement because he knew that his partner was not going to leave him for someone else, but on the other hand, he lost $8 irretrievably because of this information. However, he didn't feel confident about the fact that his lover was surrounded by a other guy. For peace of mind, he decided to talk to you about it without any secondary conclusions."

"Thanks so much for the information."

"No problem. Now get out of here or you're disrupting my shift, shaggy."

…

A day has passed since the conversation with your supervisor. Eddie was sitting on the bed in his room planning the next d&d campaign for next Friday since we had nothing to do until you got back from your noon shift. Just then, the boy heard the front door open and Uncle Wayne's voice announcing that "Eddie's in his room." The bedroom door opened, but the metal man didn't bother to look who came in because he knew full well it was you.

“Hi Eds,” you said, giving the boy a kiss on his full head of hair. After a while, you placed a few patches on the bed your boyfriend occupied, and the boy immediately looked at them out of curiosity.

"Thank you babe." He said, reaching for the first one on the bank, caressing it between his fingers. "Oh cool, Black Sabbath. Where are you from?"

"I got it from Harry, he said he didn't need it."

After that sentence, a confused Eddie fell silent and threw away the patch. The feeling of jealousy came to the fore again. He had to be sure now.

"Hey, what's going on?" You said, looking worriedly at your boyfriend as you sat on the edge of his bed.

"Honey, will you be honest with me?"

"Always with you, Eds."

"Do…do you like Harry?" In response, he heard quite loud laughter, but not loud enough to wake up the neighbors around him. "Babe, I'm serious!"

You decided to keep a straight face and answer him with complete honesty "Eds, honey, for me he's just a friend with whom I talk when he comes over. In fact, he tries to flirt with me, but to no avail. Anyway, first of all, I told him that I have a boyfriend, and secondly, Harry isn't even my type, he looks like the lead singer of Judas Priest-"

"Good, now I have no chance at all with him!!!" The metal man shouted, cutting you off by dramatically slamming his weight onto the bed.

Watching with amusement, you decided to continue your statement, moving closer to Eddie, "Eds, I prefer guys with Van Halen looks…"

"There's still some Eddie Van Ha-" hanging around! He continued to dramatize until he felt a tap on his shoulder, "Ouh, baby, for what?"

"You're the guy with the Van Halen look, idiot!"

After Eddie analyzed the statement for a moment, the only thing he managed to choke out was a sound of understanding.

"Besides, even if Van Halen came in here, I wouldn't leave you for him, stupid," you said, giggling slightly, then brought your hands closer to Eddie's face and gave him a quick kiss on the lips and hugged him. "I think you and Harry should get to know each other."

"You know, honey, this is actually a good idea." He replied, hugging you closer to him. “It's time to explain that you don't flirt with other people-ouh,” he stopped after you smacked him lightly on the forehead a second time, this time.

"No fighting in the store, Eds!"

"I know, I know," Eddie said, laughing, "Just kidding, sweetheart."

[furiousgoldfish]

On effortless recovery (personal)

I've been slowly dealing with cptsd and osdd for the last 8 years, and while I've had to actively work on some stuff, other have just happened without my interference, or at least, without me knowing I did anything about it. I have not been to therapy; or rather, there's been several attempts that were not working, and I had to end them. For instance, I've had therapy with someone who showed next to no interest in my issues and kept minimizing and ignoring whatever I've been saying, and this was the only person who didn't try to institutionalize me.

I've had to actively work on osdd, and it's something I'm learning about, and understand more as I go, but I also get that osdd is making everything else much easier on me. For instance, lots of my memories and thoughts are being blocked from me, and contained in alters who are making sure that I'm not affected by it, that is a huge help. Lots of thoughts that would upset me if I thought about them, are completely out of my reach, and if I do try to think about them, my mind goes blank and I forgot what I was thinking about. That's a great help for issues like anxiety and spiraling; I used to drown in my own fears and worries; now I just can't remember any of it. It is slightly depressing that my own peace of mind requires that big amount of amnesia, but you know, having some peace is so nice I could never be anything less than grateful for it. Being able to maintain some semblance of peace feels like resiliency, it means I have a place of quiet where I can go back to, even when distressing things happen.

I'm having my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion ease away from me very slowly. I still get exhausted easily, and am tired way more often than a regular person, but I now rarely get days when I can't get out of bed, or have to sacrifice a whole week due to a flashback or a nightmare. I no longer get anxious about planning to do something a day or two ahead because I can count on having at least a basic amount of energy. I don't think I've done anything to create this, it was just happening over the years, on its own. It's also happening so slowly that I don't even feel the progress, I have to remember to look 3 or 5 years back and remember just how much time I've been spending in bed then, to realize that it's less now, that I can do multiple activities a day now. I know I'm extremely lucky to be recovering from this, because there are people who have a chronic condition that doesn't allow for recovery, and I am very grateful for every day I can move around.

Another thing that is much better is sleeping! I used to wake up feeling like I'm dying, overheated, stressed, anxious, sometimes even paralyzed in fear, and if not fear, then grief would hold me down and I would be too sad to move. Now I'm finding myself waking up thinking 'Oh I'm so well rested! I have the energy to tackle some chores' like I'm in an actual good mood. And it's like ??? what is going on, since when is this me. I've been dreaming of having mornings like this, and now I have them, and it just happened over time (8 years) I still only think about doing chores when I have energy, because I know it's the only time of day I'll have any energy, so if I wake up restful I will rush to do dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and whatever else, because I know the energy will go away later and I will become a sad slob. But it's much better than waking up and having to take a few hours (or days) just to recover from sleeping. My sleeping schedule has been 8 hours all along, I somehow can't sleep over the 8 hour mark, and can't function if I sleep less than 7.

I will still sometimes have flashbacks and meltdowns if anything bad happens to me, but the recovery time from them has gone way down. It used to be weeks, months even, to recover from a single bad event. Now it's more like hours and days. It's still not very similar to what I think a regular person would have to deal with, but I love the progress very much! One thing that slips my mind is that I regularly forget how much worse things used to be. If I bounce back from something, I forget that in the past, this would ruin me for weeks, and I forget that this is progress and to take a minute to acknowledge that. I just take what I can and go. But it's good to look at it and see that life is a little easier.

Some anxiety has also withered away from me, because so much of my anxiety was due to inexperience. New problems that would appear in my life seemed unsolvable and catastrophic, because I never faced those problems before, didn't know how to solve it, didn't dare to ask for help, didn't have skills or knowledge to tackle any of them myself, and all of it felt like it would lead to my doom. After already having solved some of those problems multiple times, I'm at peace just because I know what to do now. I haven't done much asking for help to be honest, because I hate it, but in struggling to solve the problems myself (sometimes taking months and years to do so), I've gathered knowledge, skills and experience, and I now have a general idea of what to do in situations that reoccur, and also know what to expect, how long something will take, what type of action will resolve it. Just living and tackling things by myself, and succeeding, eases a lot of anxiety. There is a solution to everything, with sufficient knowledge, experience and skills.

A lot of stuff that's previously been bothering me to the level where I couldn't deal with it, can now be dealt with merely distracting myself from it. Which I think is very funny, because I used to consider all my time playing games or looking at funny videos 'procrastination', because I wasn't being productive right, I was just 'procrastinating' and delaying dealing with life. Now I value these activities specifically because they can save me from feeling miserable and sad. There's a warmth to looking at people being goofy, funny, interesting, entertaining, and taking joy in it, and reminding myself there's still a lot of good things in the world, there are good people, there is warmth, there is love, and I feel better after seeing it, regardless of how awful I felt before. Having my own thoughts redirected to something hopeful is making my days better, more stable. I think I'm just stopping myself from spiraling into hopelessness, by looking directly at hope and staying fixated on it for long enough. And it's something I didn't previously value as a real activity, because I didn't believe that making myself feel better while producing nothing, was a worthwhile pursuit.

Being safe from abuse for a long time managed to erode the feelings of guilt and shame I had in my own interests, thoughts and activities, and I've became unafraid of any failures. It is now very clear to me that failing is the only way towards learning and it's incredibly valuable. I'm shameless at starting new hobbies and activities and it does not bother me whatsoever when I do badly. Even failing at big stuff in my life, things that created actual damage to me, supplied me with knowledge I don't think I would otherwise gain, and I treasure it. I don't feel ashamed or like I've done anything wrong. I've been able to engage with my own curiosity about things and I'm now able to ask questions about anything, without feeling bad for 'not knowing already'.

I've also accepted that I'm bad at some stuff, and it doesn't mean anything much about me, we're all bad at something. Sometimes I'm bad at stuff, but enjoy doing them, so I still do them, fun gives it good value! And if I'm both bad at something and don't enjoy it, then I completely drop it, and feel okay knowing this just isn't for me. I remember when I used to believe I'm bad at everything, just because I was getting such horrid feedback on it, now it's almost funny. I like stuff I create even when I do them badly, because I remember how much fun I had doing it. If I want to do them better, I know I just need to keep practicing and it will happen. Nothing a human creates is shameful, especially if it's not causing any harm to anyone. We're made to create and it makes us happy.

I don't think I've done anything specific to create these changes, maybe some critical analysis of the past, and some willingness to consider my own happiness important and worthwhile. I think I spent so much time grieving that I've actually processed the most of it, so I'm no longer as overwhelmed by it as I was before. It's not like I'm no longer sad, I will start sobbing frequently and whenever I'm tired, I am automatically miserable. But it is no longer constant, suffocating feeling that follows me for every second of existence.

I haven't done anything to fix the sleeping or to ease the chronic pain, that was just time and being safe from abuse for a longer period. I wanted to write this specifically because I've been waking up feeling okay the last few days and that was a shock to experience, what a bliss to wake up and think 'I'm well rested'. Incredible life experience.

[badaziraphaletakes]

We've got a wriggly one

Love a good "Ooh I'm probably going to make myself unpopular here" at the opening of an offensive post. We're off to a very good start.

If you have to preface your take with four paragraphs of disclaimers explaining how not-ableist you are, then I Have Got Some News For You

"Before you accuse me of being ableist"... I have literally never heard this phrase not followed immediately by a giant ableism, and this is no exception

"I'm not." That's not how this works. It's something we all have to fight against every day. No one is just "not ableist". We all have ableist biases that we need to work hard to be aware of and keep in check. If you think you're just "not ableist", period, end of story, that's concerning in itself.

Disabled people can literally still be ableist (and saying otherwise is in itself ableist). We’re all products of an ableist society, so we all have structural internalized ableism inside us. Just because you are not aware that you’re doing it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. It can be unconscious. It very often is.

"I've been a disability advocate for years, so I'm entitled to tell other Disabled people how to feel about their own representation" quit weaponizing your Disabled identity to oppress other Disabled people, also, I can already tell I literally never want this person as my advocate, ever

7. The Autistics never, ever need or want alltistics to speak on our behalf, so if you're not Autistic then you are most welcome to shut absolutely and completely up at your earliest convenience

8. “This is as close as I can come to being gentle"... I have an alternative theory, which is that OP could, in fact, manage to be gentle if they really tried. For example, I do not have to be scathing right now in this reply. I am doing it because that is a choice I have actively made.

9. "I say things that people misunderstand" is never a defense. Most of the time, it's victim-blaming. And by the way, if this isn't a defense for Autistic people (spoiler alert: it's definitely not), then it sure as hell isn't a defense for alltistics.

10. "This isn't meant to invalidate people's opinions" *Spends the whole post invalidating people's opinions*

11. "Unless the book specifically says x, y, or z, you're not allowed to... say that something is ableist" umm wow

12. If Autistic people say a character (a character written by an Autistic author, no less) is Autistic-coded, then yelling "no they're not" at us is a very concerning thing for someone to be doing. To anyone doing this, just think about a. Why you feel the need to talk over Autistic people about that and b. why it bothers you to have people say that character is Autistic. Seriously, take some time and think about it. And also - if you can't see how Aziraphale is Autistic-coded - how did you miss that lol? Also also - how is thinking a character isn't Autistic your "personal experience" of that character that you feel the need to cling to? ...That gives me the ick.

13. Calling someone out for doing something ableist is not "name-calling".

14. "If someone read one of my [books?]..." I'm assuming this sentence ends "I wouldn't want people deciding one of my characters was x, y, or z". Well, guess what? - If it's a book you're finished with, then it's out of your hands what people do with it now. And if everyone from the autism community is saying your character is Autistic-coded, then guess what? Congratulations, you inadvertently (or, I suspect, advertently in NG's case ^^) wrote an Autistic-coded character! Seriously, take some time to read about what "coded" means and how characters are coded as Autistic. We're not saying Azi and the Starmaker are literally, conically Autistic. We're saying they're Autistic coded. And we’re saying he has autistic traits that autistic people identify with, and calling him selfish or cruel or lacking empathy or emotionally unintelligent (just a few of the common autism stereotypes that people have flung at Aziraphale) or things like that BECAUSE OF THOSE TRAITS is ableist.

When Aziraphale struggles socially and people call him selfish or stupid because of it, how am I (someonewho struggles socially every damn day) supposed to take that?

IN CONCLUSION: In trying to tell marginalized communities why we're wrong to think certain takes are offensive, people invariably end up just saying a bunch more offensive things - and in doing so, prove exactly the point we were trying to make in the first place.

[femcelbassmentdweller]

Overview of My First Year of HRT (2021-2022)

Hi, my name is Sylvie, and I'm transfemme! I started hormone replacement therapy on September 25th, 2021 and I've been through quite a lot on my journey to a year of HRT so I'm making two separate posts: this one focusing on the medical side and physical changes, and another that will focus on the social side of transitioning. So, here we go!

I realized I was trans the last week of August 2021, then September 9th I came out publicly, September 15th I had my first appointment with Plume, and I received my first Estradiol script September 24th, but consider my official "first day" of HRT the 25th.

I started HRT on sublingual Estradiol pills, 2mg twice a day (morning and night). Psychologically, taking the first pill hit me like a psychosomatic lightning bolt, and the first meaningful change estrogen granted me was an opening of my feelings- I could suddenly experience a "true range" of emotion, I experienced ambivalence for the first time. Physically, within the first week, I was experiencing tingling in my chest/nipples and by three weeks they actively ached, and after about two months my nipples looked different (darker, larger), and my chest started to stick out (36" to 37")

At 2 months my Estradiol was increased to three times a day and Progesterone 100mg (at night) added. By two months, my body's sensitivity had reached astronomical levels, particularly in areas that weren't sensitive before: for me, this was my nipples, armpits, and butt. My skin overall became more sensitive, slight touches made me quiver and my pain tolerance dropped sharply. During my second month my body's smell changed too and my sweat production cut back.

At 3 months, Spironolactone 50mg once a day (morning) was added and during this month my nipples had noticeably expanded and become dark enough to see through shirts, and my chest had grown enough to be noticeable small mounds in a tight shirt (38"). Also by 3 months, random erections completely stopped happening, whether asleep or awake.

Between months 3 and 5 a lot of things happened in my life; the stress and inactivity caused me to lose 50 lbs. As a result, I lost a ton of muscle mass. My thighs, upper arms, and butt became soft and jiggly, I could not lift things I could before, even with great effort.

3 month bloodwork results: E @ 133 and T @ 320

At 4 months, I asked my doctor for Finasteride, which is a DHT blocker- DHT is an androgen created by testosterone and an excess of DHT is related to hair loss, as well as some research I read back then relating to DHT and thicker/darker body hair. Since starting Finasteride, I have only shaved and used Nair on my body itself and I have experienced 75%-80% body hair loss, and much of what hair remains is now vellus hair (light, short, soft).

Between months 4 and 5, I started experiencing sexual dysfunction. Even if aroused, it was a 50/50 shot of whether I could get hard or not. Likewise, I began producing much less semen. This was when I started experimenting with different forms of masturbating too (i.e. using a vibrator).

Between months 5 and 6 I started gaining weight again, and this was when my breast growth was the greatest, going from 38" to almost 41". However, in the growth it seems I lost the sensitivity I had in the early months- my nipples and armpits are still erogenous zones, but not as potent. Additionally, I noticed fat redistribution caused my hips and waist to take a more stereotypically feminine, almost hourglass appearance (and increased from 32" and 34" respectively to 35" and 38" by 10 months).

6 month bloodwork results: E @ 258 and T @ 22

Months 7, 8, and 9 saw only slight breast growth (41 1/2") due to losing weight again from stress, but at this point I have very little body hair left, and even areas which were full before (armpits, groin) thinned out significantly over time- the most astounding of all being my butt, which the cheek hair just disappeared without me doing anything, like the hair just fell off.

Somewhere during months 8 and 9, I completely lost the ability to become erect without medication (doctor prescribed me Sildenafil, aka viagra) and no more ejaculating. Reaching orgasm became a concentrated effort instead of something that came easily, and very little clear liquid would come out during.

9 month bloodwork results: E @ 57 and T @ 28

For some reason my levels dropped between 6 and 9 months, and during that time I became very mentally and emotionally unwell due to the hormone imbalances. My doctor suggested a few things: me not waiting/letting the pill dissolve long enough in my mouth or the pill just not having the same potency on me anymore. So...

At month 10 I started injections and almost immediately started feeling much better. There is a hormonal low day for me every week, the day before I do my injection again, but it's not hard to deal with. I feel like myself!

Now months 11 and 12, nothing really noteworthy to update except I'm desperately trying to eat more so I can gain weight to grow my boobs. Just stopped taking Spiro though, but I use Tgel to maintain my girldick because I'm a Switch.

Lastly, I'd like to say I'm open to any questions anyone might have, and I'll do my best to answer them. You can DM me, email me secretly from a fake account (bellatrixnovus@gmail.com is my email), whatever! I just hope this information is of some value to someone out there!

[communist-hatsunemiku]

Top 5 or top 10 favourite Miku designs!!!

OK im finally going to answer this ask using 100% of my brain power.

I don't actually have favorites generally, but there are some modules I would LOVE to see more fanart of, these modules maybe have like one or two pieces of art out there.

SO

Jersey

just perfectly fits when playing PO PI PO, and Miku with her hair in a bun is always good.

2. Hello, Good Night

I mean just look at Her, She's the Queen of dreams and snork-mimimi. Basically the sandman if he was fucking epic. (this song is so fucking hard tho)

3. FOnewear Style

Extreme video game vibes, and ELF EARS. AND THE BOOTS WHIP ASS!!! I love all the little ball accessories

4. Hello World

I've literally never seen fan art of this module. It's super "sci-fi princess of the galaxy" vibes, it's Miku from the year 2253. It's the Miku that appears as an AI controlling some kind of 'Arc' class spaceship, the humans on board have all died for some reason so when you meet her she's been alone for awhile... I just made myself sad wtf.

5. Dancing All Night

Extremely cool, extremely techo, this Miku knows how to put on a rave, and the little screens on her chest are animated! Plus the black boots, the black skirt, and the black gloves are sexy af

6. Interviewer

This is what Miku wears on a day She has off, the low ponytails, the bike shorts, no shoes, baggy hoodie like whats not to love. But then they go and give Her red eyes? why tf not

7. Racing Miku 2012 ver.

The racing QUEEN, She is presiding over one of those violent 'death race' type of motorsports events and She's sitting in a skybox watching the chaos unfold and laughing. She may or may not be meddling with the outcome of the race with a devious control panel that's linked to all kinds of hazards built into the track. She may or may not have some kinda freakish underling that's just begging to activate his most fucked up traps and obstacles, and She may or may not allow him to set some of them off, if she's in the mood.

8. Siren

I find this module really charming because you'd think the color combinations and the kind of antiquated dress design wouldn't work but they come together in this campy way and it's so good. And the song it's tied to has this great 'twist' where the beginning of the song is this slow ballad being sung in some kinda garden, and then it's revealed that She's ACTUALLY performing in this crazy far off alien-world arena where I imagine all kinds of shady characters and rough types are patrons. And they come from all over to hear Miku sing.

I'm going to stop at 8 modules, ty so much for this ask though! These kind of questions really give me a chance to write about Miku and dive into imagining Her in all kinds of settings and scenarios!

[now-that-i-saw-you]

I've been listening to folkmore and I noticed each track contrasts its sister track on the other album

Track 1: wishing a great love would've lasted forever vs wishing a great love will last forever

Track 2: a girl who was left vs a girl who had to leave

Track 3: a biographical story of a real person, a life that happened vs a life (and a love) that never happened

Track 4: meeting an ex-lover and either walking out or letting the moment take you and rekindle the flame even if it's just for a weekend

Track 5: walking out of a loveless relationship vs staying in one. There's also something to say about how the speaker in my tears richochet is so much more active. "When I'd fight you used to tell me I was brave" or "I didn't have it in myself to go with grace" vs "I sit and watch you"

Track 6: this is a little hard for me tbh. Could be about killing parts of yourself to change and please others vs killing someone for your own desires ('cause Este's husband didn't really need to die it was just revenge).

Track 7: childhood love that lasted forever even if the two are no longer in contact vs adult love that didn't last. "Hit my peak at seven" vs "it's the price I pay for seven years in heaven. Accepting change vs struggling to accept change

Track 8: a love that was never yours vs a love that used to be yours. "You were never mine" vs "you know, you'll always know me"

Track 9: trying to fix your mistakes vs regretting not fixing your mistakes soon enough

Track 10: the mistress vs the cheater. A love affair that kills you vs a love affair that brings you back to life.

Track 11: they're both so similar, looking at the past and what brought the speaker and her lover together. But invisible string is happier and more "naïve" whereas cowboy like me is a little more pessimistic "all along there was some invisible string tying you to me" vs "forever is the sweetest con"

Track 12: "my cannon's all firin' at your yacht" vs "I dropped my sword, threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door"

Track 13: her grandfather vs her grandmother. epiphany tells the story of the moment her grandfather lived in WWII while marjorie is taylor recounting her memories with her grandmother

Track 14: not being able to give your partner peace vs your partner giving you peace. I'd never give you peace, I'd always make things hard for you vs you saved me, you were the light at the end of the tunnel when things were hard

Track 15: "this has frozen my ground" vs "did you hear about the girl who got frozen?"

Track 16: wanting time to stop moving vs knowing when it's time to move on

[buddiebeginz]

Fyi these are the kind of posts that B/T stans are sharing:

I still 100% believe that Buddie is in the works for season 8 but if we want to make sure of that we can't let the 911 social media accounts be full of this crap. We need to be out there constantly reminding Tim and anyone else connected with the show how supportive of Buddie and 911 we are.

Don't forget it was our fandom that had a hand in getting the bi buck storyline to even happen. There's no way they would have done it if we hadn't been pushing for it for years. We need to continue to be just as vocal now for Buddie.

I know a lot of things didn't go how we wanted in s7 and I know things with fandom right now are frustrating (to say the least) but we still need to be a positive voice out there for Buddie. If we aren't reminding those involved with the show and the rest of the 911 audience of Buddie then the main thing they're going to be seeing on the 911 social media accounts is love for B/T.

For years people have found 911 and started watching because of Buddie. We still want that to be the case. We don't want the trajectory of the show to change in s8 where T*mmy gets more popular so they decide to keep him and Buck together for awhile longer. And like I said I don't think that will happen but shows change so you never know.

Make sure you’re liking/sharing Buddie tweets on Twitter, talking about Buddie on every official 911 account post that has Oliver and Ryan in it (including the B/T one). This includes instagram, tiktok, yt (they're not really active on twitter rn but maybe for s8). Also make sure to reblog and not just like Buddie related posts here on tumblr. It's important we are able to do things like get Buddie trending on places like tumblr and twitter. Also try and create new posts when you can even just texts posts tagged as Buddie help.

We don't just want people involved with the show to see how much love is out there for Buddie we also want people who are new to the show to see what's so great about our ship. I've seen newbies to 911 message B*mmy shippers and ask about the show because the most they know about 911 is the hype they saw around the B/T kiss. There is so much more to 911 than that and there is so much more to Buck's story than that.

A huge portion of the 911 audience is because of Buddie. People have always been drawn to the show because of Buddie and we want that to continue. It's also important that people who are new to the show feel welcomed into our fandom. Our fandom is where people can truly see Buddie for the amazing love story it is and not the warped version that B*mmy shippers have concocted.

I know everyone gets busy and doesn't always have time to devote to fandom stuff but I'm just putting this out there to as reminder that the other side is pushing for their ship. So just don't forget to show your love for Buddie even in small ways when you can. Buck deserves a better love story than the one he had in season 7 with T*mmy. Both Buck and Eddie deserve the epic love story they should have been having by now with each other and we can't stop reminding everyone of that.

[ppumeonae-bigvibe]

alley-oop

↖ navigation: ateez masterlist || main masterlist 

pairing: san x gn! reader

↬ tags: cold x warm trope!, i really think i let loose on this one (my inner delusions are surfacing the more i type and before i knew it i birthed this very piece from my author-ussy, !

summary: san chuckles in acknowledgement, "it is my wish for you to see me in the nationals, but now that i won, i want sunbae to grant me another wish."

word count: 3.2 k words

a/n: i realized that what i see and read greatly influences the things i write...the increase in thriller and action kdrama has certainly been a big reason why my well has been dry lately—

also -> alley oop - a high pass caught by a leaping teammate who tries to dunk the ball before landing.

— 8 months before

"choi san, you need to get your grades up in the upcoming semester, or i'm not going to be able to let you compete in the upcoming basketball nationals at the end of the year."

his eyes widened at his coach's announcement.

"get your overall rank up to top quarter of your cohort. i've put you into the list of players, but your name will be removed if you don't improve."

"but, coach-nim!"

"our members have to balance both the club activities and school work, and i expect more from you because you are our team's stellar player. do you hear me?"

biting back an array of complaints, he hung his head in shame and accepted his fate. he knew that his grades weren't great and assumed if he kept playing well (he was good at it after all), his coach would overlook the horrible C and D grades.

"i know you can do it."

top quarter? he needs to be the top 25% of his cohort??

"yes, coach-nim."

the only problem now was to find someone who could tutor him.

— 8 months before

"and...yeah that was what happened. coach-nim pulled me out of extra b-ball practices. but who is going to want to tutor me?" san grumbles, listlessly swirling his noodles with a flick of his chopsticks.

"i know someone who could tutor you. all the subjects." wooyoung casually mentions over lunch and san jerks up, raising an eyebrow at his friend, "wait...you are serious?" wooyoung nods his head, mouth full of noodles.

"yeah. i know this sunbaenim who happens to just be the top scorer of the school." san sputtered, gold having landed in his lap, "dude?! why didn't you tell me earlier??"

— 7 months and 2 weeks before

"sunbae!" you watch in horror as this male student came barrelling down the hallway, calling out your name another time. not believing your eyes, you clutched onto your bagstrap tighter, the male progressively gaining unto you.

what on earth...?

your flight or fight instincts was triggered and you begin running away from him, not having any clue about what was going on.

"sunbae! stop running away please!" he never ceased his pace, steadily catching up. "w-what do you want...!" you hollered worriedly. he continued to chase you out of the hallway towards the school track field. you felt a sharp tug and you were sent falling backwards into his arms.

"for some nerd like sunbae, you are quite the runner."

you were absolutely floored, sweaty and breathless, whereas he seemed put together, not a hair out of place. you jumped out of his hold, shooting him a puzzled look, "why were you running after me...choi san-ssi?" you squinted at his name tag and he stares pointedly at you, "...now that you've stopped running, i got something to ask."

— 7 months and 1 week before

after much persuasion (it surprisingly wasn't too difficult), you agreed to tutor him after you mentioned that you were friends with wooyoung. in the name of 'getting to know someone better', he has been asking the people in school about what they know of you.

this was as far as he has gathered: you were not someone who stands out from the crowd, the only thing distinguishable was just your outstanding grades. you hardly said no to any request and were an all-round nice person, smiling everywhere you went; hence you were also quite the popular person, much to san's chargin.

and somehow, wooyoung also just happened to be your neighbor. (san wonders why wooyoung's grades weren't stellar, but who was he to judge, right?)

here he was, sat beside the top scorer of the school, also his senior, and also somehow wooyoung's contact. he felt a bit out of place in your neat and tidy room, a stark contrast to his messy and dim one.

"san-ah, let's try that again, shall we? if we look through this part again..."

he didn't want to be here, but he needed to pull his grades up...by a lot. damn his poor grades. he sighs frustratedly, rubbing his eyes from the bright afternoon light streaming into your room. well, it was helping him to focus somehow...

"are you paying attention?" you lightly tapped on his shoulder and he scowls, "sunbae...i'm trying to..."

out of courtesy, he told you to drop the honorifics and now he doesn't know whether to hate the fact his name rolls off your tongue so sweetly or that it was annoying.

"sure, okay...listen, this part here? that's important. if you follow..." you continued your explanation, but paused when you see him drifting off into his own world yet again.

"san? do you need a break?" mildly mortified because you caught him zoning out more than once (this was the fourth time), he huffed and shook his head.

with amusement, san watches as you pulled out a packet of chocolate milk from your bag and he raises a brow when you push it into his hand. "sunbae, what..." did you think he was a little kid? he was nearly 2 heads taller than you and--

"just something to cheer you up. i thought you might like it...but if you don't..." you proceeded to take it back but san was quicker to grab it, lightly grazing your hands in the process.

"i want it." he realized how much he sounded like a petulant child and cleared his throat, 'i mean...i'm hungry." you smiled affectionately at him, causing him to practically wince at your undivided focus.

gulping down on the milk, san purposely avoided eye contact with you. he subtly glances at you from the corner of his eyes: you were looking intently at his worksheet, scribbling tips and notes at the borders, neatly summarizing for him what is the important things.

he'd rather get punched in the stomach than admit he likes you more than he thinks. (he doesn't know yet.)

"well...are you going to start listening?" "yeah...yeah..."

— 5 months and 3 weeks before

"sunbae..." san spots you sitting down by the bleachers in the evening sun and his heart rate picks up. it's been a few weeks since you started tutoring him and he's beginning to look forward to each and every session, putting in the effort to actually revise his topics so you could be proud of him. he's definitely warmed up to you, and unbeknownst to him, his cold exterior begun to chip in your presence.

jogging over, he calmed down for a bit—taking his excessive excitement down a notch—before talking to you

"what are you doing here?" he hoped he was presentable as he stood slightly nervous before you.

"wooyoung told me i should come and support him; i expected you to be around too so i thought i could hang around." you simply smiled and a sting of jealousy struck san. he brushed it off, cool exterior back in place, "so how was i?"

"i think you're really good! i hope that your grades improve so that you can stand brightly on the court with no worries." the way you encouraged him effortlessly nearly had him buckling. just on cue, wooyoung materializes beside san, "sunbae! you came!"

"you called didn't you? i hope all that basketball didnt cause you to forget our tutoring session." you rolled your eyes as wooyoung playfully pats your head, "of course sunbae!"

san guesses he's thoroughly mistaken: you were also tutoring wooyoung.

why did he think he was the only tutee you had? for all he knew you had more than just wooyoung and him as your students.

wooyoung trundles away to get his gym bag and you followed him, all while san stands there trying not to be sulky. you picked up your schoolbag, grabbing your jacket, "san-ah, i'm going to go first."

pausing in your tracks, you waved goodbye to san with a cheery smile on your face, "don't forget our session tomorrow okay?" he brightens at your reminder (if he might add, a little giddy when you said 'our'), "okay...!"

you spun around and jogged to wooyoung's side and san wishes that it was him. maybe if he knew how to express his emotions better just like how outgoing wooyoung is, so that you could have that similar banter with him.

almost immediately, san smacks his face with his palms, eyes widening in shock.

no…now’s not the time to be distracted choi san!!!

— 4 months before

to make things easier for you, you begun tutoring the two of them in your home since they took similar subjects despite the being put in different classes. san was happy that tutoring sessions increased, but...not so happy that he couldn't have one-on-one time with you.

wait...since when did he care about that?

"i heard that you two had a mock test just this week. can i review your papers?" wooyoung confidently hands his over, "i managed to get into the top ten! are you proud of me?" you nodded your head as you flipped through wooyoung's papers. it wasn't long before your attention was on san, who was dodging your very gaze when you noticed the barely passing mark circled in red on his paper.

"i didn't do quite well." san admits, lowering his gaze. "it''s okay. you improved from your previous rank! small improvement is still improvement after all."

wooyoung interrupted and cheekily grabbed your arm, "sunbae! since i did well i can skip on today's tutor session right? see you~" without much hesitation wooyoung takes his own paper back from you and scampers out of your room. "his head is gonna inflate from all that pride i swear." you chuckled and san hides a laugh at your words.

"well now that he's gone, let's review your paper now, shall we?"

you sat him down beside you as you went through his mistakes and gave him additional questions, leaving him quite miserable at the end of the session. sensing his dejected spirit, you pat his back to comfort him. "sunbae, i feel bad because...i can't do well..."

san didn't know what came over him as he rambled on, stopping himself almost immediately because he thought he sounded silly. you grabbed his hand, that same enchanting smile on your face, "well...i'm here aren't i? i promised i'd help you to do your best so you can go for the nationals."

"but why do you want to help me?" san questioned. you shrugged your shoulders, "you're the coolest on the court!" san sputters, "huh? sunbae, don't joke with me!"

you shoot him a bashful smile, "to know that i was able to help you? that's more than enough. i don't need you to repay me; i just wanna see you fulfill your passions."

at that split second of a moment, when the sun was setting and you were basked in it's golden glory, san thinks he's falling in love with you.

— 3 months

"wooyoung, why do you keep hanging out around sunbae these days?" san randomly brings up, before shaking his head, "you know what? nevermind."

"why are you even asking me this question?" wooyoung's eyes never left the computer screen, fingers tapping rapidly on the keyboard to make his game avatar run and dodge.

san aimlessly scrolls his mouse about, "just...nothing." of course, being neighbors and all it would not be weird for san to witness the two of you walking to and from school together, to hang out occasionally together. that much is normal, but to what extend is it considered not?

wooyoung bursts out laughing, "are you jealous or something? do you like sunbae?"

san silence spoke volumes and wooyoung turns his head slowly, unbelief evident in his contorted face, "you have a crush?!" san slaps his hand over wooyoung's mouth.

"not so loud genius!!"

wooyoung gasped in shock, "no wonder you've been so...weird lately. it is certainly very unlike you and i guess this explains everything. like...everything!"

— 2 months before

san felt as if a whole boulder has been lifted off his heart at the realization that he likes you. that explained all the "unnecessary" heart racing moments when it was just you and him, all the times when he would "accidentally" detour around school just to walk past your class and "somehow" get a glimpse of you.

with this newfound appreciation, his grades also took a turn for the better because he wanted to make you proud. he started texting you about his day outside of school (wooyoung often left him on read), giddy with happiness when you replied to him with the same enthusiasm.

before he knew it, the semester tests were around the corner. san stood worriedly outside the classroom with his other classmates waiting to enter. he spots you walking hurriedly down the hallway and when his eyes met yours, he relaxed his tensed shoulders.

murmurs from his classmates increased as you paused in front of him, "i'm rooting for you. here's your lucky charm." you whispered, pushing something into his hand. as quickly as you stopped by him, you walked away to your classroom on the floor above his.

he opens his palm to see the pen, a grin forming on his face when he notices your name sticker on it. gripping it tighter in his hand, he enters the classroom with confidence.

— 2 month and 3 weeks before

"sunbae, do you have a good luck charm?"

"well, i don't have one."

san propped his head on his hand, "i need a good luck charm for the coming tests, just like what i have for my matches." he points to his bracelet, one made by wooyoung to commemorate them being friends in basketball.

"from me?" you stared at him quizzically and san flushed, parroting your question, "from...you?!" you two burst out laughing at the absurdity of the interaction. you calmed down enough to formulate a proper response, "i'll...maybe think about it...?"

san pouts at your uncertainty, "you're not going to give me one?" you lightly pinched his cheeks, "you're making it very hard for me to say no. i'll get you something, okay?"

"i'll hold your word to it sunbae!"

— 1 month before

"how did it go?"

you were huffing, having ran from your homeroom to san's classroom as soon as he texted you he got back his results. you found him standing outside the classroom: head hung low, hands clenched at his side. he perked up at the sound of your question and the sight before you nearly had you reeling.

"i..."

you waited with bated breath for san to finish his statement. "i...somehow did it..." he points to the ranking that was displayed on his phone, and in the picture you could see that his marks barely made the cut, yet because of the person after him, he was pushed to the top 25% of scores in his cohort.

"san! you did it!" you hugged him and he freezes in your hold. you pulled away from him, unshed tears in your eyes causing him to panic, "ahh! sunbae! why are you crying!!" san hurriedly wipes away the falling tears and you laughed, "i'm so glad all that hard work paid off, even if it was just merely there, you improved by leaps and bounds!"

"could have been the lucky charm you gave me. i brought it with me to all my papers." he mentioned and delights in the way you were tongue-tied at his revelation. "sunbae, why this pen though? is there anything special about it?" he pulls out the pen from his pocket, rotating it in his hands to examine it closely.

"if you really must know, it was the very first pen that i got with my own pocket money. nothing special, but i liked the fact that i worked hard to get this branded pen." you bashfully replied, taking back the pen from him.

he thinks you're really beautiful like this, and he finds it so difficult to not like you. he's thoroughly crushing on you now, even more so than before when he first met you.

"before i forget, san-ah, what's your wish?"

— 2 weeks before

now that san has earn the respect of his coach from his drastically improved grades, he's been staying back after school every day to practice till late.

with the ball dribbling beneath his palms, he relishes in his passion and determination that brought him this far.

"you're in great form, eh?" wooyoung teases as the two of them shoot hoops. "yeah, i absolutely missed this. back when coach only allowed me to come for tuesday trainings? that was such a pain!" san laughs, thinking about how he would linger outside the auditorium as he watch his teammates train with each other, while he had to get going to be tutored.

not that he minded, actually. deep down, he was glad for this break because after meeting you, he was reluctant to go back to this thrice-a-week club trainings. he immediately pushes that thought away, exerting force to fling the ball in wooyoung's general direction.

"did you get sunbae to come watch you?" wooyoung—who somehow has become his confidant for anything relating to you—wiggled his eyebrows and san's face warmed up, "yeah i managed to ask. and sunbae's going to be coming..." san embarrassedly hides his face behind the ball wooyoung returns and an uncharacteristic squeal leaves wooyoung's lips and he excitably hugs san, "let's go! my bro's got this!"

— D-DAY

"san! over here!" wooyoung hollers and san passes the ball over. with just about one more minute left in the last quarter, san was really feeling the physical and mental strain after the first 3 rounds. he needs to make the final blow that will pull his school out of the current tie they were in.

san let's his other teammates go ahead of him as he scours around for a wide spot with as little defense from the opposing team.

san's entire being awakens as his gaze lands on you in the bleachers; you were here for him. his eyes flicker between the court and you distractedly, watching as you looked around uncertainly, before deciding to just stand at the back, still within his line of vision.

"san!" surging with adrenaline he nods at wooyoung, who then swings the ball high up. this move he practiced countless times with his friends, coordinating down to even synchronizing their breaths and footsteps.

this is for you.

he takes a huge leap with arms held up. the moment the ball from wooyoung falls in his palms, he sends the ball hurtling into the net. heart beating in trepidation, he feels the second melting into one another as the ball dramatically lands in the hoop with a satisfying woosh.

"with that quick thinking, KQ high school wins the nationals!"

the whole auditorium was flooded with cheers, confetti and streamers floating down from the sky. san feels himself being lifted up by his teammates, wooyoung shouting in his ear about how crazy it was, but all he could focus on was you and your awed expression. pride blooms through him like a blossoming flower, and he thinks he could get used to having someone being there for him.

after all that congratulatory messages from his team, he makes his way to you, beckoning for you to come over to the side lines.

"you made it, sunbae."

"i'm fulfilling your wish, isn't it?"

san chuckles in acknowledgement, "it is my wish for you to see me in the nationals, but now that i won, i want sunbae to grant me another wish."

your nose scrunched up, the corners of your lips turned downwards despite the big smile on your face, "another? that's—"

"—sunbae, will you go out with me?"

@ppumeonae-bigvibe 's work ; likes and reblogs are appreciated <3

[hell-drabbles]

Mock-up Card 1

Basically it's just an L Card with the Embittered Companion and Lucifer working together because my brain is stuck on that for some reason? It's weird. Anyways, when you activate the Ultimate Skill of this card, you switch to either Lucifer or the Embittered Companion. A sort of, two-in-one card. Embittered Companion is all about dealing damage while Lucifer is all about healing. There's a boost to their ATK for a good while after switching. Don't ask about the numbers, I didn't think of them at aaaall.

Also I don't have it in me to write prose right now, so here be lines!!!

[First Encounter]

YOU: Hey. It's been how many years? You know, since I last took up a weapon to chase people away? It's pretty nostalgic, honestly. LUCIFER: …are you already forgetting what you promised us? YOU: I'm not gonna charge in head first, you two. Get off my ass.

[Level Up]

YOU: What I lack… LUCIFER: I'll make up.

[Evolve]

YOU: It would be nice, to have less lives lost. LUCIFER: But all we can do is continue on, until the very end.

[Ultimate Skill 1]

YOU: Go ahead and take a nap, Lucifer.

[Ultimate Skill 2]

LUCIFER: Sit. Rest. You're bleeding.

[Upon Death]

YOU: I'm still shit at keeping promises huh? LUCIFER: It's not your fault. Let's go.

[Victory 1]

YOU: Glad to see you've been focusing on the task at hand, Ra-on. Well, battle's over, so you can do whatever the hell you want.

[Victory 2]

LUCIFER: This is something to celebrate about, isn't it? …yes, you'll be invited to the party.

[Defeat]

LUCIFER: A mortal body such as their's does not deserve to have injuries like this. Keep quiet, they'll wake up. I know they will.

[Lobby Interaction 1]

YOU: It's kind of funny to me that, after all that, my normal body hasn't really changed one bit. Still the same strength, still the same weaknesses. LUCIFER: It doesn't make it any less remarkable to me. YOU: So you and Ra-on say. Well, I've been in this body longer than anyone, so I wouldn't know what to be impressed by. Everything about this body is just uninteresting to me. Doesn't make me any less happy that I'm back in it, though.

[Lobby Interaction 2]

YOU: Hmm? What are you staring at us for, Ra-on? We that good of a sight? …happy, huh? Yeah, I suppose Lucifer and I make each other pretty happy. Don't discount yourself though, buddy. Wouldn't be in the place that I am without your help.

[Lobby Interaction 3]

LUCIFER: Your hands. Let me see them. YOU: Huh? Alright, but why? LUCIFER: Ra-on told me you forgot about your blisters. YOU: Oh. Oh! No, yeah I did forget. Whoops. But hey, at least I'm wearing gloves this time around, so they're not that bad. None of them popped, so they should heal nicely.

[Lobby Interaction 4]

LUCIFER: If you wanted to destroy Heaven, would you? I wouldn't blame you if you answered 'yes.' YOU: …maybe a younger, more freshly wounded version of myself would've said yes, but as I am now, no. The fate of Heaven is not mine to control. I can only control the distance between me and that place. Besides, I'll hold onto hope that the angels will eventually weed out that sickening need to be superior.

[Lobby Interaction 5]

LUCIFER: Shh. They haven't rested well last night. Whatever it is you want to ask, save it for later. Hmm? Mm. Yes, they're… still haunted by everything. Not even in sleep can they be allowed to escape. A curse that not even my powers can relieve.

[Lobby Interaction 6]

YOU: You know, I haven't heard the name Solomon in a while. Did you finally put your foot while I was away, Ra-on?

[Lobby Interaction 7]

YOU: Another angel almost snatched me up today. Even in this human form they hate so much, they still want to whisk me up right back to that suffocating cradle. Thanks for the warning by the way. LUCIFER: While we were all once siblings connected through our love for God, I won't allow them to repeat that torture. If I must make my words absolute, then I will.

[Lobby Interaction 8]

LUCIFER: Have you adjusted yet? YOU: To what? LUCIFER: To your lack of extra limbs. To that body of yours. Is there any pain? Any noises that want to invade your eyes and ears? YOU: …There's nothing. Sometimes I'll feel like I'm missing something, but it's all blissfully silent.

[Lobby Interaction 9]

LUCIFER: Do you have no intention of staying here? YOU: I have no intention of ever forgetting you, Lucifer. But, I can't stay here. This is not my home. Our home, is right where Minhyeok is. Where our beloved earth is. Hell is nice, but I'm pretty sure Ra-on and I miss the comfort of our home's air.

[Lobby Interaction 10]

YOU: Lucifer? LUCIFER: Yes? YOU: If, one day, I decide to visit, would you welcome me? LUCIFER: …always. A small visit, or a promise to dedicate our existences to one another, I'll welcome it all the same.

[ghoste-catte]

I'm on my hands and knees asking you about your favorite gaalee moments (spin offs count bc why wouldn't they)

Anon ... I'm sorry I took a while to answer this for you, but it's because you activated my trap card. But without further ado ... here are my top 10 GaaLee moments.

(My 10th pick and rationale beneath the cut)

The Drop Kick So, I feel like we don't talk about this kick often enough. Because this is actually the first time anyone draws blood on Gaara (we see the scratch on his face once his head pops back up). As much time as was given in canon to Gaara's reaction to Sasuke drawing his blood, I don't really understand why Lee being the first to cut him wasn't as big a deal.

The Primary Lotus This is ... probably the first time Gaara's been touched hand-to-body in years. I've written a few times (and shout out to @egregiousderp for their hand in this headcanon) about how this was probably the first approximation of a hug that Gaara had since Yashamaru. He replaces himself with a sand clone halfway down, but for the initial drop, that's just Lee holding him.

The Rescue I wasn't able to find my favorite screenshot from this moment, which is the one where Gaara's sand is rushing to save Lee and it kind of looks like a heart, but anyway, I just love this pivot. The fact that Gaara uses the very weapon he used to crush Lee's dreams to save him. The way Lee still tries to be an equal partner in this fight despite his injuries. The "I don't hold a grudge!"

The Talk This moment means a lot to me. It's a deep conversation to have, and it's one that happens on two levels that I think aren't fully addressed by the narrative. Of course, on the surface, they're talking about Kimimaro and Orochimaru, but the subtext goes something like: Gaara: Even if people love me, I'm still a monster. All they would need to do is be desperate and lonely enough, and I might seem like a good choice. Lee: The fact that people love you proves you're not a monster! Obviously Gaara gets the final word in this conversation, but I do like to think it sinks in later on and influences their relationship in the future.

The Walk Home I hate that we only get to see this in flashbacks in filler episodes (although we do get to see it twice from two different perspectives!)

But I love this moment because of the way that Gaara chooses to carry Lee: he slings him over his shoulder with one arm. If you go back and watch Gaara and his siblings returning to Suna after his fight with Naruto, that's exactly the way first Kankuro, and then Temari, carry him when he's wounded.

This moment is during that time where Gaara's still learning how to be a person and not a weapon, and the fact that he chooses to carry Lee with such care … it feels relationship-defining.

6. The Eighth Gate That flashback that Gaara has to Gai and Lee's relationship shows that he's really internalized the defining impact Lee had on his life. The genuine care and concern that he looks at Lee with in that moment despite Lee's stubborn insistence that he won't be sad makes my heart ache for the both of them.

7. The Retreat If you've ever read one of my fics that's set during the war and notice that I mention Gaara carrying Lee around on his sand, this is what I'm talking about. I love that Lee sees the sand as an unequivocal source of safety instead of threat at this point (to the point of entrusting it to carry Gai-sensei in his frail state). And I love that this seems to be Gaara's default way of pulling Lee out of danger ... it's at least the second time he's done it, after all:

8. Gaara-kun! This was one of The Moments for me. We as a ship had been speculating so long about the degree of intimacy of Lee and Gaara's relationship. We'd spent, I think, a decade at this point writing fics where Lee called Gaara "Kazekage-sama". Then the Perfect Day for a Wedding arc dropped, and here's Lee calling Gaara "Gaara-kun" just like he does the rest of his friends ... wind was blown into the ship's sails on this day.

9. The Double Date Gaara and Lee go on a double date with Tenten and Kankuro to Ichiraku Ramen. This is canon. 'Nuff said.

And now, for number 10 ... drumroll please ...

10. The ILY I know, I know - those handsigns don't mean the same in JSL as they do in ASL. But my little hard-of-hearing heart can't help but see Lee shooting double "I love you"s at Gaara in this moment. And even if he's not, the starry eyes and blushy cheeks say it all. This is flirting, y'all.

[girlactionfigure]

Israel journalist @Roi_Yanovsky just published an amazing piece in Hebrew about what Gaza is REALLY like, based on his personal observations there. Here is an English translation that you NEED to read🧵

100 reserve days officially ended yesterday. Some initial insights: 

1. Gaza is seen as a backward area, the "most densely populated in the world" which has been under Israeli "siege" for years. There is no bigger lie than this. Gaza is a modern, beautiful, developed city, with large modern houses, wide boulevards, public spaces, a promenade 

by the sea and parks. Looks much better than any other Arab city from the Jordan to the sea, much more similar to Tel Aviv than to Kfar Qasim or Umm Al Fahem. And of course it is very far from being "the densest in the world". 

2. If it's a siege, let me live in a siege. the houses are bursting with goods and food from all countries of the Middle East, latest furniture, electronics and whatnot. There are also luxurious mansions that wouldn’t embarrass Savion and Kfar Shemariahu (rich areas in Israel) 

There is absolutely no shortage of wealth in Gaza. In general, most of the houses I've been in were much bigger than the apartment I live in in Tel Aviv. The sentence "If only they had a chance for a good life, they wouldn't fight in Israel" is simply not relevant to Gaza. 

3. The most common thing in the houses of the Gaza Strip: a map of the Land of Israel the heading "Map of Palestine". There is no mention of Israel or Israeli towns in general. And it is found in almost every home, in every school and in every public institution, the goal of 

erasing the State of Israel is neither hidden nor suppressed, it is almost everywhere. The historical distortion of this map which is taught from age 0 is a topic for another discussion that only emphasizes the distorted perception of reality by the residents of Gaza. 

4. In all the neighborhoods we were in, there are ready-made Hamas combat complexes - weapons, tunnels, charges, launching complexes, all inside residential houses, some of which are also prepared with openings in the walls for passing between buildings and what not. 

The residents of the Gaza Strip who live in the combat zones know this, they have received countless notices to evacuate. Long before the IDF entered. IDF announcements are still there everywhere. Those who decided to stay in the fighting areas are either Hamas members in 

various positions or people who consciously decided to stay in the areas used by Hamas for fighting, for their own reasons. 

5. Hamas members rarely walk around armed. They are neither stupid nor suckers. They know they won't be shot if they go in "civilian" guise. 

They prepare the weaponry ahead of time at the entrances to the buildings and arm themselves just a moment before they attack. That’s why the fighting is much more complex than any other arena. those judge from the outside why soldiers shot X or didn’t shoot Y - 

enter Gaza for a week or 2 and you’ll return with insights. 6. The circle enabling Hamas is much larger than its tens of thousands of terrorists. The ideology of Hamas is found in almost every home, in pictures, in propaganda materials. Hamas in Gaza is like Messi in Argentina. 

7. The strengthening of Hamas at this level requires active assistance of a population. There is no way that the residents of the compounds where we located rockets and weapons did not know that the place is used as a launching complex where they try to massacre Israelis daily. 

And I find it hard to believe that the parents in the kindergarten where there was a tunnel shaft do not know this. Who chooses to send their children to a kindergarten that serves as a terrorist infrastructure? 

8. Hamas's strongest weapon is lies and propaganda. It's his fuel. This is how you will maintain the "siege" lie for years, this is how they are doing now with the photos of the innocent victims and the killing of the "journalists" who turn out to be terrorist operatives. 

Gaza is the only place in the world where 500 deaths are reported half an hour after an explosion. Even in earthquakes and heavy disasters it takes the rescue forces a few days to identify and estimate the number of dead, but the Palestinian Ministry of Health already knows 

a minute after the explosion what the damage is. This is ridiculous and the world media quoting the numbers as living words of God is pathetic. I would attribute the same level of credibility to the reports this week about "hunger" in Rafah. 

Gaza is the only place in the world where 500 deaths are reported half an hour after an explosion. Even in earthquakes and heavy disasters it takes the rescue forces a few days to identify and estimate the number of dead, but the Palestinian Ministry of Health already knows 

a minute after the explosion what the damage is. This is ridiculous and the world media quoting the numbers as living words of God is pathetic. I would attribute the same level of credibility to the reports this week about "hunger" in Rafah. 

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ShipofTheseus

@JewishSpaceLazr