#I've also not been on all the meds I should be on so maybe that's why

[fridayyy-13th]

wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.

[heartshattering]

Well, I managed to make it through the night. Even with all the physical pain, anxiety, catastrophizing, obsessive thoughts, panicking, sobbing, etc. I still fell asleep eventually (and without having to take more of my sleep aid than what I've been taking for the past 2 weeks). Pain is actually a little bit better today but not completely gone.

I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for June 13 but still have to make an appointment with the gastroenterologist and with the lab to test me for stomach bacteria again. I'm trying my best but this is so exhausting and there's no guarantee I'll even have any answers by the end of all this. I just wish this was all a nightmare I could wake up from and finally be okay.

[sudokuplayer]

i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be

[neverendingford]

.

[indigodawns]

.

[aquaticaberration]

It is 1:30am and all I can think about is baking

[amandaisnotwriting]

//

[mayrose713]

Beautifully Cruel World-Chapter 10

Series Masterlist | Previous | Next

ABO Non-Idol Stray Kids Universe Poly OT8 x Reader 18+ MDNI

Warnings in the Series Masterlist as well as any other information needed

Warning: Smut First time I've ever written smut, so I'm sorry if it sucks (I'm updating the warnings in the series masterlist so this is the only other warning for smut from here on out)

Also want to let everyone know that with holiday seasons coming up, work is getting busier and I'm gonna be working more days than my normal here soon so it's gonna be a bit harder to write. I promise to update as often as possible and I'm gonna start adding dates next to the upcoming chapters in the masterlist on when they should be posted so refer to that.

thank you everyone for reading, now enjoy

Chapter 10

“How was it?” Jisung asks after Y/n walks out of the office he was waiting for her in front of as she was talking with her therapist and psychiatrist and he can see the signs that she’s been crying which doesn’t surprise him. 

“Weird.” She sniffles, wiping her nose with a tissue. “They asked me a lot of mental health questions mostly, and they want to put me on anti anxiety meds for sure and maybe antidepressants.”

“It’s not too bad.” He takes her hand to lead her back to the lobby where Chan is waiting for them. “I was put on the same when I first started coming here. Still take the anxiety ones actually.”

“Really?” She looks at him surprised. 

“Yeah.” He nods his head. “I was homeschooled as a kid so I didn’t socialize as much as I should have and it caused a lot of anxiety because of it. The only reason I know Chan and Changbin is because my dad worked for their dads originally. Really they were my only friends back then.”

“Good to know.” She nods, frowning. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I just realized I don’t actually know a lot about all of you guys, or how you all came to be.” She whispers, looking at the floor. 

“Well feel free to ask questions whenever, we‘ll be happy to answer.” He squeezes her hand as they walk out into the lobby and Chan looks up at them.

“You okay?” Chan stands as the two walk up to him and he pulls her into his side. 

“Yeah, it was just a lot.” She hands him the paper for her anti-anxiety prescription. 

The alpha looks over it and sighs but understands and reads the note about possible antidepressants but they want to have more sessions with her to determine that. 

“I’m gonna ask you like I had asked Ji when they wanted to prescribe him this too.” He moves her to look at him. “Do you want to be put on medication? Do you think it will actually help you?”

“I-I don’t know. I’ve never taken stuff like this before.” She stutters. “But I’m wary because of the injections.” She then looks over at Jisung. “Does it help you?”

“Yeah, I think so.” He smiles at her. “I feel like I’m able to get through the day easier with it. And don’t worry, it’s nothing like how the injection was.”

Y/n nods her head still thinking about it and Chan tilts her head to look up at him. “Hey, you can try them out for a bit and if you don’t like how they make you feel or don’t think they’re helping then we can slowly get you off of it.” He reassures her. “We did that with Jisung for his antidepressants.” 

“Okay.” She whispers. “I’ll try it.” 

Chan goes and gets the prescription sent in to be picked up at the pharmacy in Stayville and picks it up on their way home. 

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆

“Baby girl.” Chan stops the omega as she walks past his room and motions for her to come in. “I’ve noticed you’ve been in your head since we got home, talk to me.” He shuts the door after she walks in.

She sighs as he leads her to sit on his bed. “I just realized today that I don’t actually know a lot about all of you.” 

“That’s all?” He watches her closely as she nods her head. “Baby, all you have to do is ask us questions and we’ll tell you anything you want to know.” 

“Can you tell me about your family and where you came from?” She asks shyly. “I remember Minho telling me that Hannah visits from Australia a lot. And Dr. Hajoon was calling you Chris.” 

“Yeah.” He smiles and laughs a little as he sits next to her. “My English name is Christopher. I was born here but was mostly raised in Australia. My dad went back and forth from there and here to help Changbin’s dad run the company. His dad retired so he and I handle the Korean office while my dad still runs the one there.”

The omega nods as she listens. “Your brother is an omega. What about Hannah? And your parents?”

“Lucas is our only omega in my family pack too.” He smiled at her. “My dad is an alpha and so is Hannah. My mom is a beta.”

“Would we ever be able to go visit Australia?” She whispers.

“Of course.” He lifts her head to look at him. “As a pack we own a vacation house there so that Felix and I are able to visit our families often.”

Y/n’s jaw dropped. “How did I not realize that Felix is also Australian?”

“I don’t know, baby.” He laughs a bit. “Felix and I have known each other since we were kids. I taught him Korean and after I had moved and gotten settled here with Changbin, Jisung and Seungmin we moved him here.” 

“Ji said you guys were the only friends he had since his dad worked for yours.” She looks over his facial features. “How did everyone else come into the pack?”

“Well, Seungmin and I went to high school together here. I was his senior.” He smiles as she listens closely. “He was a bit unsure of himself when he realized we were fated. I had to go up to him first and tell him about Changbin and Jisung, who I was living with and tell him about Felix back home.”

“Minho had run into Jisung at a caffe not far from the office. At the time Minho was a backup dancer for BTS but after meeting Ji and wanting to court him since he was his fated mate, he decided to stay in Seoul and started teaching dance. And Ji convinced him to meet the other four of us as he knew we were his fated mates too.”

“Min was a backup dancer for BTS?” Y/n gawks. “I don’t believe it.”

“Look up some of their live performances, you’ll see.” And she makes a mental note to do so later. “Hyunjin and Jeongin met each other in school and knew they were each other's fated mates. Hyunjin had started taking classes from Min and even though they both realized they were fated mates, Jinnie was too scared of Minho to talk to him about it and Min wasn’t about courting his student.”

Y/n couldn’t help but laugh at how cute the whole situation is. “So how did it finally happen?”

“Felix.” Chan smirks. “Changbin had dropped him off at the studio one day to bring Minho lunch and Hyunjin fell in love at first sight. After that Lix made Jinnie and Min talk and Hyunjin told them about Jeongin and they told him about the rest of us.”

“That’s all really cute.” The omega gushes. “Best story ever.”

“I don’t know.” He grins at her mischievously. “I think my favorite story is the one about how we met our omega.” He grabs her pulling her onto his lap so she’s straddling him causing her to blush.

“Channie.” She pouts as he holds her hips and Y/n can’t help but to glance down at his lips, thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

Y/n starts to wonder if they’re gonna claim her soon or not, thinking back to what her brother had told her, about them possibly just using her.

“You’re thinking too much, baby girl.” The alpha grips her hips a bit tighter causing her to whine a little. “Just say it.”

“Please.” She looks back and forth from his eyes to his lips.

“You’ve gotta say it.” She continues to pout though and he lightly spanks her ass. “Come on baby, I don’t know what you’re wanting if you don’t speak up.”

“Please claim me, alpha.” She sounds disparate.

“Fuck.” He growls, pulling her down to kiss her lips. “Wasn’t expecting that.”

The kiss is heated and passionate, he smirks at the small wines she’s making. He spanks her again causing her to gasp and the alpha takes the opportunity to slide his tongue past her lips. She doesn’t try to fight back with her tongue, already submitting to him.

He pulls away from the kiss and starts trailing kisses down her jaw to her neck, relishing in the little sounds she makes. He groans into her neck when she bucks her hips against him, her nails digging into his shoulders. 

Chan buries his nose into her scent gland before switching their positions so she’s on the bed and he’s hovering above. One arm next to her head to keep himself up and the other lightly trailing up her bare thigh to the bottom of her skirt. 

“Are you sure about this, baby girl? Because once we start, I’m not stopping.” He looks into Y/n’s eyes, seeing how desperate and needy she already is as she nods her head. “Words baby, I need you to use your words.”

“Yes alpha, I’m sure.”

“Good girl.” He growls as he pushes her skirt up and cups her sex, feeling how damp her underwear is. “Fuck, my little omega, you’re already so wet.” 

Y/n covers her face with her hands in embarrassment as he continues to rub her through her panties letting out little whines and moans. 

“Don’t hide from me.” Chan grabs both of her wrists with one hand and moves them from her face and pins them above her head. “There she is, my beautiful girl.”

“Channie.” Y/n bucks her hips against his hand. “You’re teasing.”

“Am I?” He fake pouts at her before taking his hand away from her and she whines and squirms as he still holds her in place. “What’s wrong? I thought you didn’t want me to tease you? So I stopped.” 

“Chan, please.” And with a smirk at her begging he lets go of her wrists, moving his hands to her blouse and takes it off and raises a brow at her bare chest. “No bra? Tsk, naughty girl.”

“Took it off when we got home.” Y/n pants. “It was uncomfortable.” 

“Of course it was.” He coos, kissing her lips again and cups her boob, squeezing it a little before playing with her nipple. 

She arches her back, moaning into his mouth as she starts pulling at his shirt trying to get it off. Chan sits back pulling the shirt over his head and she ogles him, eyes roaming over every muscle of his torso. She then notices the bulge in his jeans, sitting up she unbuttons them as he smiles while watching her, helping take his pants off leaving him in his boxers. 

Chan grabs the waistband of her skirt, pulling it down along with her panties before pushing her to lay back down as he looks over her.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispers, moving his fingers to play with her slit before pushing a finger in causing her to bite her lip. “You’re so tight, baby. If you can’t take my finger, how are you gonna take my cock?”

“I can take it.” The omega moans as he starts to finger her. “Please alpha, I can, I promise.”

“Let me prep you first.”

He pushes a second finger in and makes a come hither motion and she arches her back once again grabbing onto his arm as he speeds up his fingers. 

“Channie, please.” Y/n whimpers as he pulls his fingers out of her pussy, bringing his fingers to his mouth to taste her slick.

“Mmm, you tastes so good. Gonna have to eat you out sometime.” He wastes no time sliding his boxers off before leaning over her, lining up with her. “This might hurt a little, but I promise it will get better, just let me know if it gets to be too much.”

“Okay.” Y/m whispers and gasps when he starts to push in. 

When Chan feels some resistance he gives a hard thrust, completely bottoming out inside her causing her to moan a little in pain and pleasure. He stays still, looking at her face to check she’s okay and wipes away a tear from her eye.

“Does it hurt?”

“A little.” The omega whimpers before grinding against him. “Please move.”

Chan pulls out a bit before thrusting back in causing her to gasp again as he moves. Her expression soon changed from that of a bit of pain into pleasure.

“You’re so tight, baby girl.” He grunts as her hands go to his shoulders, claws coming out and start digging into his skins as she becomes a moaning mess under him.

“Please alpha, more.” And he speeds up his rhythm, rutting into her as he looks down to where they are connected seeing just how well she’s taking him. 

When he sees some blood, which shockingly didn’t make her feel bad for hurting her but turned him on more knowing he’s taken her innocence and now belongs to the pack, to him. The sight of it causes him to harden his thrust and he grabs her hands from his shoulders placing them next to her head and holds them.

“Channie… ah.” Y/n squeezes his hands, head turning to the side as her eyes close, her walls clamping around him.

“Fuck.” He growls, loving the sound her slick makes around his cock. “You close baby?”

She nods in desperation and the knot at the base of his cock starts to swell. “Please, Chan, so close. Want your knot, please. Please claim me.”

Chan nuzzles into her neck for a moment smelling at her scent gland before biting down hard, teeth breaking the skin as he tastes her blood. She screams and cums around him, shaking in pleasure, her juices squirting everywhere making a mess of both of them and the bed. She thought the bite would hurt but instead she just feels a flood of his love and emotions for her.

He stays latched onto her neck riding out her pleasure before his knot inflates all the way and he releases his load into her. His knot keeps him locked in as his cum fills her up, some spilling out around his cock. It isn’t until she’s milked him dry that he lets go of her neck, licking his lips of her blood.

Y/n gazes up at him looking fucked out as he lets go of one of her hands to push some of her hair out of her face. “You did so good, baby girl.”

“Wanna bite you too.” The omega whimpers as she tries to move but his knot still hasn’t softened, keeping him in place.

Chan leans down, giving her access to his neck, the side with only three mate marks and she bites down just under the bottom one. He groans in pleasure and lets her stay there as long as she wants. 

Once she lets go she looks up at him, eyes full of love. “My alpha.”

“That’s right baby.” He coos and kisses her lips. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

______________________________________________________________

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[12raccoonsinadress]

Hello, first time requesting in general. But Im wondering if you could possibly do some more x male readers, bc as someone who respects a well written fan fiction, the majority of them are x fem reader. Thank you and have a nice day and drink plenty of water!

Of course! Also here's everyone's reminder to drink water, take your meds, and relax your jaw.

Btw, this one is my big boy enjoyers. Lil bit of praise, lil bit of overstimulation ~ 💚

Nothing More Manly: Kirishima x Masc!Reader (Smut)

Word Count: 3,891

Third POV:

You were still unsure about this whole thing. Since the new year had just begun, you'd promised yourself that this was the year you got into shape. You just wanted to be stronger was all, nothing too intense. It wasn't until you actually got into the gym that you started to question the decision though. You weren't particularly self conscious, at least, you didn't think you were until now. So many of the people here were so... built. Literally everyone looked so good. Toned or jacked or some variation, and then there was you. It really felt like no one else in this gym was starting out like you were. You really contemplated abandoning this whole "New year, new me" thing. That is, until you noticed the particularly attractive looking redhead using one of the weight lifting benches.

You didn't approach him as much as you simply decided to use a machine that happened to give you a fairly good view of his workout. You mentally chalked it up to envying his build and being curious as to what all he did to get that look. You didn't want to imagine yourself being no better than those guys that stalked women on the ellipticals. You noted how much he was lifting. It was more than you weighed. Thinking too much about it right now probably wasn't a good idea, but, of course, you did, and you felt your face get a bit warm. And it wasn't just because of the exercising. You pretty much watched him until he left the gym, which was when you realized that you'd also been working out that entire time and were kind of exhausted. Maybe this whole working out thing wouldn't be so bad, as long as you... had people to inspire you to keep going. Yeah, that's most defiantly what this was.

You didn't go through the trial and error of figuring out what the redhead's exact gym schedule was, but you did find that the time you had caught him the first time would be a weekly occurrence. And, via another gym bro's conversation with him, you found out his name. Eijiro. Eijiro Kirishima. You didn't see much of an issue with the way things were. You didn't have to endure the social awkwardness of trying to actually interact with him, and you got yourself to work out once a week. Seemed like an all around win to you. That is, at least until things took a bit of an.. unexpected turn.

It was any other work out session. Except, Eijiro wasn't there. You hadn't seen him walk in and he wasn't using any of the equipment you typically saw him using. You had to admit, it was disappointing, but you were already here and who knows, maybe he was just running behind today. Maybe there was a positive to this though. It gave you a chance to try out the equipment you always saw him using. Surely, it couldn't be that difficult.

You found yourself on one of the benches, trying your first bench presses. You didn't have a ton of weight on there, but it was definitely more than you probably should have started with. You did about two reps before you felt the weight suddenly get lighter and noticed someone above you.

"Whoa, man, you probably shouldn't be benching this much without a spotter."

You felt your face go red. Well, at least you would have if it wasn't already red from the exertion. There he was. The hot redhead, looking down at you with a surprisingly sharp smile. He helped you put the weight up, and you sat up, trying to find anything to say to this guy.

"Hey, I think I've seen you before. You're usually on the treadmill, right?"

He gestured over to where you usually planted yourself for about half your work out. That would mean... Oh god he noticed you. You tried not to stammer like a complete fool.

"Oh, uh, yeah. I was just trying something different today."

"If you want some tips, I don't mind helping you out and spotting for you."

He winked. Internally, you swooned. He was even more attractive up close. He chuckled a bit and you quickly made sure your expression wasn't completely awestruck or dumbfounded.

For the rest of your time that day, he helped you learn some of the equipment, even helping you find your boundaries and weight limits. He also showed you how to spot for other people, using himself to teach you. It felt like a blur, like it was happening all too fast but in slow motion at the same time. Soon enough though, it was getting late and you were both bit tired from it all. Well, at least you were. If he was tired, you wouldn't have been able to tell.

"So, same time next week?"

He asked. You took a moment to process what he was actually saying before quickly answering him.

"Yeah, yeah. Next week."

"Awesome. See ya, man."

You walked out of the gym that night feeling lighter than air. Part of you convinced this was all some weird dream. He noticed you. Not only that, he recognized you, which means he's noticed you at least more than once. You felt like that luckiest guy in the world right now.

It became a new routine for the two of you. You never thought you'd be so excited to go to the gym, and yet here you were, looking forward to getting to see your hot work out buddy. Time passed and you only found yourself falling for him more. His laugh, his bad jokes, his confidence. Everything about him made you feel more sure that you were in love with him. You just didn't expect him to feel the same. One night, after a particularly late running workout session, he looked over at you.

"I'm thinking about hitting the showers. You coming?"

That one was new. You knew he tended to shower here after workouts, but you always went home to do so. He would know this too by now, so the offer felt kind of weird. He continued.

"Your problem with showering here is cause usually there's more people right? It's pretty dead right now. I'm pretty sure it'd just be us."

He shrugged a bit, but he was right. Aside from a man and woman walking side by side on treadmills having their own conversation, you two were the only ones here. What's the worst that could happen? So, without thinking about it too much, you responded.

"Yeah, okay."

He grinned, a slight mischievous glint in his eyes as he grabbed his water bottle and started off for the men's locker room. You followed, not having too much of a second thought about it. You hadn't really seen the locker room, since you never had a reason to go inside until now, so you weren't sure what you had been expecting. It seemed like a normal locker room. Walls of lockers, an area off to the side with bathroom stalls, urinals, and sinks, and a wall of separated curtains, which you assumed were showers. A thought dawned on you.

"Wait, I can't actually."

"Why not?"

"Didn't bring a towel."

Or a change of clothes for that matter. He grinned.

"Hey, no worries. You know, I was hoping after this we could head to my place and hang out, if you didn't have plans or anything of course."

You looked at him a little puzzled by the way he worded it, but also with a slight blush. He wanted to hang out with you? Like actually? Not just here, working out, but actually hanging out. He continued, blushing a little bit himself.

"What I'm trying to say is if you wanted to hang out, we could both just shower at my place."

Ah. You took a second to shake your thoughts together.

"Yeah. Yeah, alright we can do that."

He grinned, picking his bag back up.

"Awesome. It's not a long walk from here. Do you walk here?"

"I usually take the train."

"Cool, just wanted to make sure you weren't, like, leaving your car here or something."

The outside air felt amazing after how hot you'd been between working out and blushing. Eijiro seemed relieved to be outside too, sighing contently with his head tipped back ever so slightly. You wondered what he could be thinking right now. The walk was peaceful, though still filled with the usual city sounds of cars, people talking, and trains. You usually didn't find it all as comfortable as you did right now. In a way, it was the familiarity of it while you otherwise dipped into an unknown territory. You followed him up to his place.

"Sorry if it's kind of messy."

He said, though you didn't see much. A few pieces of clothes and an empty soda can on the table was really the extent of what you'd consider a "mess."

"It's fine."

You hummed, looking around a little bit. His place was nice. You could definitely tell he was a gym bro between the workout posters and gear in the living room. Nothing excessive, a couple dumbbells on a rack in the corner near the tv and what could possibly be a medicine ball next to it. It definitely felt like he lived alone based on what you could gather just looking at the living room.

"So.. uh.."

You looked up, only now noticing that you had sort of zoned out looking at the room. Now you noticed something different though. Eijiro looked nervous, an expression you hadn't really seen on him before. He was blushing, harder than earlier, almost like how he looked right after finishing a particularly grueling set. You were sure you were matching his hue, simply because of the way he was looking at you. He continued.

"I.. you know, if you're even into that sort of thing, it'd be faster if we uh.."

He made a gesture, pointing with his thumb back behind him down the hall, looking pretty much anywhere but actually at you. You felt like you might explode if he didn't just spit it out. Was he asking you to shower with him? Was this actually happening? You opened your mouth to say something, whether that be helping him clarify his offer or burst into however many ways you could say "Yes, please wreck me in your shower," you didn't get to find out, because he finally finished his thought, though sighing in defeat as he decided to go for a more blunt approach.

"Look, I'm gay, you're really cute, do you wanna shower with me? I won't be offended if you say no, cause I get this is really sudden."

You took a second to scramble for any semblance of your composure. You nodded.

"Yeah"

"Wait, really?"

"...Yes?"

He grinned.

"Oh man, I was super worried you'd think I was a freak or something. C'mon, lets go."

He grabbed your hand and practically pulled you down the hall, not that you were complaining, he was just really excited. This was actually happening. You were half convinced this was some hyper realistic dream. Once in the bathroom you realized that yes, this was real, and he was really standing there, excited at the prospect of getting you into the shower with him. He didn't hesitate in taking off his tank top, unceremoniously dropping it on the floor before pausing to get the water turned on so it could warm up. You were hesitating. He turned back to look at you with this sort of reassuring half smile.

"Need a hand?"

He offered, though it was unclear if he was joking or not. You shook your head, pulling your shirt off. You already felt like you were about to combust, you didn't think you'd be able to handle it if he were to actually touch you in any way right now. He chuckled a bit before turning his attention back to himself, kicking his shorts off and into the pile with his top. You did your best not to stare, though it was proving very difficult. You felt your breathing grow more shallow when his thumbs hooked into the top of his boxers. You swallowed hard, half mindedly pushing your own shorts off, but not looking away from him. He was already so perfectly built, you shouldn't be surprised that he was also very well endowed. You were suddenly feeling more nervous. He grinned. Clearly, your reaction was boosting his ego.

"Good to know I don't have anything to worry about."

He joked. You almost stumbled over your shorts at your ankles. You kicked your shorts away from you, taking a pause. A few things made this embarrassing. One, you were being as graceful as a baby horse. Two, he was built like an actual god. And three, words could not do justice to how insanely hard you were right now. All of this mixed with the fact that he was staring at you, with this slight grin on his face. You decided to just do it. Rip it off like a bandage. You tossed your boxers aside, looking over at him now.

"C'mon. Let me know if the water is too hot or anything."

He said, way too casually for the situation in your opinion. But you did follow him into the shower. There was a comfortable amount of space considering there were two of you. You looked at his face. He was looking you over, slowly, taking in details. It made you want to squirm out of your skin. He traced back up to your face. He had a softer expression. Lidded eyes and a slight smirk.

"I'm glad I was right about you."

You were confused, your face expressing as much. He continued, seeing you didn't get it.

"You're really bad at being subtle, man. Don't think I didn't see you staring from the treadmill. You were practically drooling."

Despite his words, he sounded so genuine. It was weird. What he was saying made you want to lay down and die, but the way he said it just drew you in more. He put his hands on your hips, surprisingly gentle.

"And, uh, stop me if I'm getting the wrong idea, but if I had to guess, you're just as excited as I am to be like this."

His voice lowered a bit near the end. It made a shudder run down your spine. His grinned a bit wider.

"Yeah?"

He looked at your face, waiting. He wanted to continue. He wanted you. He wouldn't though, not unless you told him he could. You swallowed hard, but nodded.

"Yeah."

"Awesome."

He brought one hand up to cup the back of your head and pull you into a soft, yet firm kiss. It caught you off guard, if not just for a moment, before you melted into him. He held you close to him, feeling his body pressed up against yours. This was crazy. You were kissing him. In his shower. You felt like you should have at least played a little hard to get. This felt too easy. You didn't dwell on that thought too long though, because all of a sudden you felt the cool tile wall of the shower against your back. You hadn't even realized he was backing you up. You gasped against his lips. You could feel the smirk in the kiss.

His hands slid down to your hips, squeezing. One moved further, reaching around to feel your ass. You wished the sound that came out was less pathetic, but it was. You underestimated how desperate you were for this. Or maybe it was just for him. He broke the kiss, just sort of mumbling against your lips.

"You cool taking it?"

The question was vague, but you knew what he meant, and it made your face and chest flush red. You definitely weren't opposed. In fact, when you had occasional indulged yourself in letting your mind dip to dirty places, having him pin you to the wall and fuck you senseless was a reoccurring theme. So you nodded, a little too quickly to come across as anything but needy and desperate. You felt his hand move further back and, carefully to start, a finger pushing into you. You grit your teeth.

Yeah. It'd definitely been a minute since you'd done anything like this.

"Relax, you're doing great. Don't worry, alright? I'm taking care of it. Just focus on me."

His voice was a gentle tone, cooing you into submission. It made you wonder how many tense partners he's had to deal with. I suppose everyone has a type.

His motions started slow, careful, like he might break you if he didn't. As he started to open you up, he seemed to be less focused. He buried his face in the side of your neck as he added another finger. You felt his teeth graze your neck. It sent a delightful tingling sensation down your body, landing in your stomach and twisting around in there like a herd of butterflies. You willed yourself not to cum from just this. How pathetic would that be? Cumming before he even got to the good part. You groaned softly, almost painfully.

He added a third finger. You had seen how big he was, so you understood why he was prepping so much. That didn't keep you from wanting him to hurry up and just fuck you already so, if nothing else, you didn't look completely desperate when you finally gave in to the intense feelings. You managed though, because soon enough he was pulling his fingers out and turning you around to face the wall.

"How's this angle?"

He asked, almost teasingly, emphasizing with a squeeze of your ass.

You were practically panting at this point.

"Eijiro, please."

You managed, hoping to not sound like a complete fool. If you had been looking, you'd have seen the confident smirk on his face. He could not wait to wreck you. You felt him pressing against you, holding your hips firmly in place. You pressed your forehead to the wall, trying not to audible sob at the feeling. If you hadn't seen his dick already, you'd simply assume his quirk was that he had a monster cock. After slowly pushing in for what felt like an eternity, he stopped. You were already breathing heavy. He leaned down to your ear, talking in that low tone.

"Half-way there. You doing okay?"

HALF??

You opened your mouth to respond, but much to your dismay, all that came out was a mix between a moan and a whine. He kissed behind your ear.

"You're doing so good, y/n. So fucking good. It'll be easier next time."

He tried to reassure you as he slowly pushed in more. It was almost enough to distract you from the fact that he said next time. You knew he'd bottomed out when you felt his hips against your ass. You felt so full in the best way possible. You could hear how hard he was breathing. He gave you some time to adjust, gently massaging your hips as he did.

You thought you were doing great at holding yourself together, at least considering the circumstances. Then he pulled out about half way and slammed his hips back into you. That's all it took. You moaned out as you came. It was so much, too much. You took a second to catch your breath.

No. No way. You did not just do that.

You felt a mix of embarrassment and shame in your chest. You went to say something, but then he did it again, pulling out and snapping his hips. It just about knocked you over with how little you were expecting it. Though you couldn't see it, he grinned.

"You can handle a little more, yeah?"

You pressed your forehead to the wall, taking a moment. He waited. You eventually nodded. Yeah. You could handle it. You just hoped he'd be willing to carry you out of the shower afterwards. It was the least you could do though. You didn't want to leave a bad impression.

"I'm gonna need a little more than a nod."

Part of him wanted to hear you say it because it would be really hot, but truthfully, he wanted to make sure you were okay. He didn't want to hurt you. You took a minute to find your voice.

"Yeah... Yeah, I can take it."

"I was hoping you'd say that."

His hips snapped again, his hold on you getting a little tighter as he braced you, not wanting you to slip. He wasn't holding back anymore. He found a decent pace, not too fast, more so focusing on how hard he was going. He wanted to ruin you. He wanted you to be his. If he had it his way, no other guy would ever get a chance to have you like this.

You felt like you were falling apart a little more with every snap of his hips against your ass. You felt your legs getting weaker beneath you. Thankfully, he had a good hold of you. You never thought you'd be as vocal as you were, but here you were, groaning and whining, pretty pathetically in your own opinion. You weren't too focused on that now though, because he was picking up the pace, and you were effectively fucked stupid.

"Almost there, y/n. Fuck, you're doing so good."

His voice was rough, out of breath. You didn't realize it was building until all of a sudden, you were cumming again. You slumped against the wall a little more. Thankfully, it wasn't much longer before he pulled out, groaning through gritted teeth. You felt your back and ass getting painted as he finished on you as opposed to in you.

The room got quiet, aside from your combined heavy breathing and the shower running. After a moment, you felt his arms around your waist, pulling you into him.

"At least we're already in the shower, right?"

He joked lightly as he got you more directly under the water. It felt nice. He must've turned it down or something, because the water was pleasantly cool against your skin as he washed you off. You wished you could have been of more help, but you were honestly sort of useless at the moment. If wrecked is what he wanted, it was what he got. Not that he minded much. He thought you looked cute all dazed and tired.

Once he'd clean you both off, he helped you out of the shower, wrapping a towel around you. He grabbed one for himself too, drying off. The two of you went into his room and pretty much collapsed onto his bed. He looked over at you, smiling.

"I've been thinking about doing that for weeks."

He laughed. You smiled.

"We might have to wait weeks before doing it again."

"Aw, what? How come?"

"Because I don't think I'll be walking until then."

He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer to him.

"It'll be worth the wait."

You kissed him. You were more than sure it would be.

[russellsppttemplates]

We're a couple of idiots, aren't we? (Charles Leclerc)

You had always been there to see Charles race and you wouldn't let your fight interfere with that

Note: english is not my first language. I'm not the best at writing angst pieces, but I hope this one is decent enough!

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: family issues (alludes to the caregiver necessities), couple fight

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog

It all began when you came home later than expected, the tiredness evident in your eyes as you paced your bag down on the sofa and allowed yourself to rest for a little, "Hey, amour", Charles whispered, testing to see if you were awake as he walked inside the living room, "hey", you said, patting the seat next to you.

Kissing your forehead, Charles sat next to you, "how was your day?", he asked, rubbing your thigh, "exhausting", you sighed, "and the next few are going to be even worse. I probably won't be home for dinner tomorrow anyway".

Charles felt uneasy, squirming around in his seat. You had been working a lot, your family also needed you on their side since your grandparents needed more assistance these days, so you and Charles haven't been able to spend that much time together. And wether it was the fact that you're used to being around eachother or the fact that the season was not going as expected, Charles felt like he hadn't spent enough time with the person he considered his safe and happy place.

"You have been very busy, I feel like I've hardly spent time with you", Charles noted, and maybe it was a seemingly honest comment that wasn't intended to be taken as harmful as you did.

"I know I've not been home, Charles, you think I don't feel that too? I know we haven't spent much time together just the two of us, but it's not been easy! Everyone needs me here, there and everywhere at the same time, and I also need time for me!", you let out.

Unexpectedly, your words also impacted Charles in a way you didn't think they would, "I know you've been busy, but we also need to spend time together, no? Or is our relationship not something we should invest time on? In a relationship, we both need eachother", he gulped. A weird and new feeling sat in his chest, like he was pressuring you and that he was burdening you.

"We do, but we also need to let eachother have some time, too!", you said, feeling anger, sadness, and overall tiredness from your recent days, "I'm going to bed", you mumbled, getting up and heading for your shared bedroom.

The energy you had left in your body was only enough to allow you to wash your face, noticing the dull and dark tone as you quickly rubbed some moisturiser on, grabbing your pyjamas to out them on and lay in bed, taking a painkiller for the growing headache.

When Charles finally go to the bedroom, he noticed you were already asleep on your side of the bed, carefully walking along the side so he could kiss your forehead before he too got ready for bed.

.

By the time the next morning arrived, Charles had ready left, and when you grabbed your phone, notifications from various WhatsApp groups popped up.

Mum + Dad

Can you go by grandma's house today? She was complaining of some pain and we can't remember if her meds box is sorted out or not.

Ferrari GP Weekend

Okay, just to make sure I'm not leaving anyone out: Y/N, you're not coming this weekend, right?

Since your family had been needing you to spend more time with them and at home, you had already said that you weren't sure you'd be joining them for that Grand Prix, and last night's fight settled the subject.

Texting both of the groups, you got up and got ready for the day, already knowing it was going to be a tough one.

You and Charles didn't fight a lot, at least not like this. Usually, you always found a way to talk about things and sort them out. So even this was new territory, not having talked about the subject and finding a common ground, because the situation you both left it at the night before was not the one to have.

Throughout the day, you hopefully texted Charles saying that you'd try to be home so you could talk to eachother before he left later on the evening, and while you intended to keep it, you had to text him again

To Charles

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be home until nighttime. My grandma needs me and it's going to take a while.

Have a safe flight. Can you text me when you land, please? Love you ✨️

True to your word, you sat in your bedroom with the moon already shinning through the windows and showcasing perfectly Charles' bedside table with none of his rings, watch and bracelets where he usually put them when he was at the house.

.

"Why did I arrive to the paddock today only to find out that you are not joining me this weekend?", Francisca said over the phone, apparently not even bothering to wish you a good morning, even though it clearly wasn't one.

"Because I've been the busiest bee ever under the sun, and I also had a fight with Charles, and I need to sleep for three days straight to recover", you replied back, noticing the change in Pierre's girlfriend's tone.

"Oh", she added, "I'm sorry, it's just that you're always here and I haven't been able to talk to him properly yet, maybe it's a good thing I haven't yet", she admitted.

One thing you liked about her, was how honest she was with you, and you needed it right now, "do you think I should go? We left the subject hanging and it's not something light we can just solve over the phone. And besides, I've always been there for these races, and he deserves as much support as he can get", you asked, chewing on your bottom lip as you waited for her answer.

"I have no idea why you fought, nor do I want to know unless you feel comfortable in telling me, but I do know that you're made for eachother, so if your heart tells you to come to the race, you should", she advised and you could hear the smile on her voice, "besides, I love your company, so it's a win win".

.

From all the times you had previously travelled with Charles, you had become acquainted and a pro a listing what you needed for the race weekends, so packing was easy and quick: two changes of clothes for both colder and warmer weather, basic toiletries bag in a backpack with entertainment and snacks for the flight.

The early hours allowed you to get to the airport without any traffic and make it to the gate with enough time to spare so you could grab a coffee to go.

Francisca knew you were coming, and after having a conversation with your family, you explained to them how the whole situation was putting pressure not only on you but also on your relationship with Charles. As you expected, they were not aware of how the situation was on your side and sat down with you so you could find a better arrangement.

Arriving at the airport of destination, you quickly found the transport line that would be taking you to the closest stop near the paddock, gradually seeing fans get inside as the stops approached the track site.

You followed them in, wanting to go as unnoticed as possible as you walked along them.

"I just saw on Instagram that Charles had left his hotel a while ago, so he should be here any minute now", a young woman around your age commented with her friends, stopping by the benches you were sitting in. Turns out you were waiting for the same person after all.

"Is it okay if we sit here?", one of them asked kindly, "Oh, you're Y/N", one of the girls said.

Nodding, you pushed your backpack to rest near your legs, "of course you can sit", you smiled, still not used to the fact that fans often recognised your face.

"Thanks!", she scurried nervously, urging her friends to sit, seeing their surprised faces as they looked at you, "Also, I'm sorry, I'm sure this is weird for you, that I know your name and you don't know mine, I- we didn't expect to find you here", she apoligised, finally sitting down.

"It's okay, unless you're going to turn out to be come crazy stalker fan, I think we will be fine", you smiled, hoping they would catch the joke and relax a little.

"No no no!", they all said, smiling when you smiled back, "but, may I ask what you're doing here? I mean, don't you have an all access pass?", one of them wondered as she sat next to you.

"I'm surprising Charles, actually", you added, feeling like saying anything else would not only be violating yours and Charles' privacy, but also allowing the creation of rumours you wouldn't want, "I wasn't originally coming to see him race, but some things cleared up on my calendar so I thought I'd surprise him", you finished, seeing them smile, "do you come to watch races regularly?", you asked, changing the subject hopefully subtly enough that they wouldn't notice too much.

Conversation was flowing easily, really, they seemed like really nice girls and it never felt invasive, so the time you had to wait went by quickly, hearing people call your boyfriend's name.

You could notice his presence anywhere, that was a given. Wether it was his well trained torso that made spotting him even from his back, or his handsome face, it wasn't hard yo miss him even surrounded by fans who were wearing the same t-shirt as him.

"Let me stand around you so he won't notice me", you said, "with how enamoured he is of you, I'm sure it won't be long", one of the girls, named Lyla, you learned, spoke, wanting to see the scene unfold as he approached you.

"Hi!", Charles greeted, posing for the pictures while he signed the caps they had, not noticing your hand holding one of his own caps was in the mix.

"Charles! Can you sign this, please?", you asked, hoping you were loud enough, "I was not coming to see you race today, but I'm very happy I did", you almost yelled, thanking the fact that the other girls had helped you by keeping quiet until he realised you were there.

It was enough for Charles to recognise the voice. After all, he had been longing to hear it for the past couple of days.

"Y/N, you're here!", he called, handing Lyla the permanent marker before he hugged you, "I missed you so much, I'm sorry", he whispered on your ear before pulling back a little so he could look you in the eye, "you don't have a pass, do you?", he wondered, seeing you shake your head, "I'll see what I can do, but you're coming with me", he smiled, holding your hand in his and bidding goodbye to the group of girls after you all took a group picture.

The rush until you arrived in his driver's room didn't allow you to talk until you sat on the sofa after greeting everyone and thanking one of the team members for getting you a pass on such short notice.

"Do you think we can talk about it? I don't want to ruin the race by distracting you from it, but I don't think we should be here and not discuss it either", you brought the subject, looking up to see Charles push a chair and sit in front of you, "I want to apologise first", you said, "I never should have said what I said, especially the way I said it, I'm sorry", you apologised, "I never intended it in a way that would hurt you".

Charles grabbed your hands, lacing them in his and looking into your eyes, "I'm sorry, too. I think we should talk about it, too. I want this to be solved, I want us to be well", he admitted.

"My grandparents have been needing a bit more help, and my parents counted on me for it. And I feel like I haven't spent that much time with you, and I'm so sorry for it, but sometimes it just got too much. And I didn't want to burden you, you have your own things to worry about and this would be another thing. They're better now and this was probably a bad phase, but still", you explained.

Charles chuckled before he saw the confusion on your face, "no, I'm joking about this, amour. I'm glad they're better", he reasoned, "but I thought I was being a burden because I felt like I was clingy, like I needed you more than usual and that you had had enough. I didn't want to put more on your plate", he sighed.

Smiling at him, you moved your hand to caress his cheek, "you could never be too much, Charles. Sometimes I just need to deal with things on my own for a bit, even if there is help from someone else", you blushed.

"I know you need me to give you the space you need, that's why I didn't want to push you to talk about things, because as much as I want to craddle you in my arms forever and shield you away from the world's evil, I know you like to do things on your own, at least at first", he noted, earning your silent agreement, "but I'm here for you, always. I'm glad we worked that out", he smiled, pulling your face to his and kissing you deeply, only stopping when someone knocked on the door.

"I heard my favourite girl is back in the paddock, so I suggest you come out because I'm not feeling like I want to see whatever is going on there", your recognised Francisca's voice, getting up and opening the door to see Pierre by her side, "I told her she shouldn't interrupt you two, but she was very excited to know how the surprise went", he smiled.

"A very good surprise indeed, the best one ever", Charles said, pulling you in for one last kiss before he ventured out to the garage, a new feeling of confidence knowing you were there to watch him race.

[sozila]

convalescence. (sukuna x reader)

synopsis: convalescence noun. time spent recovering from an illness or medical treatment; recuperation. ryomen s. itadori was a disease that infected every part of your life, and you didn’t notice until it was too late.

pairing: best friend's older brother!ryomen s. itadori x pre-med uni student!fem reader.

warnings: explicit content eventually, mdni. mentions of underage drinking, descriptive sexual activities. masterlist | previous | next

you are on: incubation. (part one) a/n:

hello!! my name is sozila, and this is my first ever work on tumblr/ao3 so bear with me if my writing seems a little elementary :,) let me know what you think, esp if it's constructive feedback! i've been a huge fic reader since i was 11, if that's any solace <3 (i'm in my second year of college now lmao) this piece really just came to me because i craved older brother sukuna and breezed through every fic with him in it. also, i wanted to incorporate parts of my college experience and hence the allegory to infectious diseases, i promise i'll hash it out adequately soon haha <3 also to note: i'm aware this chapter is rather short, but i intend to make longer chapters as the story continues! until then, here's a little bit of what i have :) enjoy!

ao3 link here.

incubation. (part one) you were 2 years into being best friends with yuuji itadori before you saw him. an idea of him was created in your head through a web of yuuji’s descriptions, megumi’s mild irritations. nobara’s hot-cold opinion that “he’s an insufferable asshole, but those tattoos do numbers on girls”. some part of you felt allured by the mystery of his identity, even though you knew exactly who he was. at least, as much as you could from the near-empty instagram account and pictures from yuuji’s childhood littering the apartment.

it was odd you didn’t meet until now, but university had other plans for you. it made sense though— as a pre-med student, you didn’t have much time to hang out or go to frat parties, as much as nobara complained about your lack of thrill for wilding out. you digressed, but promised as soon as you secured an internship you’d maybe allow a bottle of vodka on you, in the comfort of your shared apartment. yuuji and megumi never held your busy schedule against you; which you genuinely appreciated. you loved that whenever you did get to see them, things picked up right where you left off.

which is why you were surprised at the very least to be met with someone you knew yet were so unfamiliar with standing before you when you knocked on yuuji’s door.

“you one of yuu’s new leeches or what?”

your brows furrowed a little more at the jab on your character, but you utter nothing as you take in the fact ryomen itadori isn’t a mythical brother your best friend made up. he looks exactly like the lockscreen picture on yuuji’s phone, save for a couple new tattoos on his face and arms. his hair was a mix between a mean undercut and ivy league, sporting the same pink hue of his younger brother’s. a simple silver chain hung on his neck which drew you downwards to his chest. he was definitely built much bigger and wider than yuuji. coarse, and just.. raw. you register you’ve been staring at this man clad only in a wife pleaser and joggers for an inappropriately long time and clear your throat, straightening, holding your bag a little closer as if it was going to disappear with a glance of his sanguine eyes.

“you gonna stand there all day, or should i close the door on ya?”

his gruff voice now laced with irritation led you to match his demeanor. you give him a wry, plastered smile and push past him. he lets you, surprisingly.

“can’t really go in with you blocking the entire entryway, asshole.”

he doesn’t acknowledge the blatant insult and walks towards the kitchen. your nose catches it first- he was cooking something really good. suddenly, he yells over his shoulder while he stirs the pot.

“yuuji c’mon, i’m not babysitting for your ass!”

the thomp-thomp-thomps of yuuji’s footsteps follow with him hurrying down the stairs and he flashes a dorky smile to you. “sorry, sorry! you met my lovely best friend then, aniki?”

he grunts without turning around. you didn’t even consider this a conservation, but yuuji seemed unphased by his wet-blanket personality. guess older brotherhood looked like this. yuuji flits around the stove where he’s working to stick a finger in the pot and steal a taste, which sukuna smacked him upside the head for.

rubbing the back of head, yuuji then turns and faces you to give your arms a little squeeze. “megs is running a little late from swim team practice, but he’ll be here soon. ryo made dinner for us though!” he quips brightly.

with a whip of his head and a withering look, you deduced sukuna wasn’t aware of this information, but grumbled to himself. you made out a “motherfucker” and “freeloader” in his long curse.

you pull your happy-go-lucky friend a little out of earshot and bring him to your level to whisper harshly. “yuu, i don’t want to inconvenience your brother.. he already seems pissed i exist,” you murmur. your gaze returns to the giant man in the kitchen and something tickles in your chest. immediately he slaps your shoulder and chortles, as if you told him something outlandish. “don’t even worry! he acts like that all the time, he just doesn’t know you well enough yet.”

you weren’t sure you even wanted him to.

it was 7:30 when you heard the ring of the doorbell and your head lifts from the snug placement you took on the couch. sukuna had already slipped away upstairs so yuuji answers this time, much to your dismay. you lament internally that megumi wouldn’t face the same frosty welcome as you did. you hear two voices instead of just the one you expected and crane over to see a certain red headed girl you knew. she beams upon noticing your peeking form. “you’re here early, miss i-have-no-time-for-my-beloved-friends,” quicker than you could react, she was already beelining to jump on you with a smothering hug.

you try to muster a clear response but get muffled by her puffy knit sweatshirt. “if you checked your phone you’d know i told you!” you push your computer out of reach so it wouldn’t be swept in the tornado that was nobara kugisaki.

megumi had already taken a seat on the rug beside yuuji, deep in conversation about winter finals. however, it became evident it was more megumi lecturing yuuji on course material and the latter looking more confused and stressed by the second.

you move nobara enough to clap your hands and catch their attention.

“if you guys utter the word ‘exams’ one more time, i swear will explode.”

nobara snorts above you and knocks on your head. “look who’s talking. is your memory shot to hell or do you not remember all the times you bring it up yourself?”

“she literally did this afternoon,” yuuji mumbles with a pout. you throw a decorative pillow at him.

“hey! don’t forget i literally made your study schedule for you. and even the studious want a little break,” you defend with a huff. nobara d��awws and squishes your cheeks. “my poor little baby! however did you survive.”

“you guys suck. i deserve nothing but love and affection.”

yuuji rolls his eyes and whines. “oh my goood, yes we love you and appreciate you, hugs kisses rainbows blah blah— i wanna watch a movie already!”

you giggle at his antics as nobara pushes off you, walking to the unabashedly large TV and starts filing through yuuji’s big movie bookshelf. “what are we feeling tonight? fast and furious, ladybird, jigsaw..”

after a couple minutes you all agree on midsommar, which you protested but lost in a 3 to 1 vote (democracy is a joke). you could never sleep properly after a good horror movie, hence you always watched them during the daytime. but because your friends were evil, namely nobara, you had to endure some at night and ended up sleepless and jumpy. “if you can’t sleep, just slip in with me tonight,” nobara counters with a dismissive wave. while you knew neither nobara nor her girlfriend, maki, would bat an eye because of their long friendship with you, you worried for your own well-being. nobara was a huge kicker in her sleep (she denies this profusely). too many times after a night out you’d wake up on the floor with bruises on your side while nobara dozed peacefully, starfish-ed on the bed. you sigh and accept your fate.

the movie ends up being just as if not more unsettling than you expected. you knew nobara clocked out much earlier than you thought when you heard no reaction to the bear scene (never getting that image out of your brain, you fear). you stretch your neck to assess who’s out. beyond the dirty plates on the coffee table from the dinner sukuna “made” for you all, you can make out yuuji cradled into megumi’s chest, snoring lightly. the urchin haired boy didn’t stir much either, so you peel from nobara’s vice-like grip on you to throw a blanket over the two of them. out of the corner of your eye, you see yuuji cuddle into megumi a little more, a small smile on his dozing face. god, you eagerly await the day they could be honest about their feelings. you step back around quietly to adjust nobara on the couch into a more comfortable position.

to navigate out with a better light you fish your jeans for your phone but to your dismay, are met with empty pockets. it didn’t help that your nerves on high alert and the living room was lit only by the glow from the tv. something straight out of a horror movie. genuinely fuck my life. you frown as you crouch down to feel around underneath the couch. after a few minutes of helpless padding later, the task seemed fruitless and you began to retreat to yuuji’s room. nothing could prepare you to feel a big, cold hand palm your shoulder. you freeze, your spine going icy. is this how i’m going to die? swiveling faster than your mind could compute you almost let out a bloodcurdling shriek, only to be met with the same cold hand pressing your mouth shut.

“are you fuckin’ mental?”

sanguine eyes bore back into yours and you fight the urge to bite the hand pressing on you. the audacity of this guy was baffling, really.

you shove him off and glare pointedly.

“me? i’m mental? says the dick who decided to sneak up on someone and grab them like a fucking serial killer!”

you jab a finger on his chest, seething in a whisper. his chest, in reality, was much harder than you anticipated and your finger probably hurt more than the attack on him.

a step. he’s closer to you and now in possession of said finger.

“i lightly tapped you. the rest was damage control, sweetheart.”

“sweetheart?”

“i can’t call you that?”

“how about you don’t call me anything, ever? thanks.”

“makes sense that i can’t call you. got your phone, and all.”

your mouth drops a little. “what?” he snickers. “if you weren’t so busy trying to curse me into the next domain, you’d realize i’ve had your phone in my hand this whole time. fuckin’ idiot.”

lo and behold, your phone was nestled in his raised hand, looking much smaller than you remembered. or was it that his hand was just that large in comparison? how big was this guy, really? part of you wanted to stop everything and just ask him to hold different objects and compare how they perceived in his grasp. but reality struck and you recall this is the same guy who just scared the living daylights out of you.

you yank it out of his stupid mammoth hand, ripping his grasp on you in the process and take a step back. you were awfully close to one another upon closer inspection.

“not an idiot, by the way. 4.0 gpa doesn’t exactly scream stupid.”

“idiocy applies to everyone, sweetheart. regardless of how much you dick ride your textbooks.”

every word that left his mouth had a lilt to it. the laughter in his eyes, his head cocked to the side.. he was messing with you and relished it. that pissed you off. who the fuck was he to decide who you were? what you stood for? you had barely known this imaginary-but-actually-real brother for a couple hours, and here he was insulting and teasing you all in one gift-wrapped present. what gave him the confidence to be so insufferable? and better yet, what could you do to stomp it out?

“go to hell, sukuna.”

you were unwilling to stay in his irritating presence for a moment more. your face was stony and unrelenting, your foot tapping incessantly in impatience. you wanted to slap his face off, but thankfully for him, your best friends were in dreamland just a few feet away.

“goodnight, idiot.”

your feet padded angrily up the stairs and you could still feel those dark sanguine eyes boring into your skull and all over your body. you decided that imaginary or not, yuuji itadori's older brother was the most pompous asshole you've ever had the displeasure of meeting. you didn’t get hit with your skin radiating heat until you closed the door of yuujii’s bedroom behind you. question is, was it anger or arousal?

... she never told me her name.

omg light banter... guys i really love slowburn so sexy time isn't guaranteed soon :( once i've outlined it i'll add specific explicit warnings and maybe you'll get a glimpse of what i envision for you and sukuna aaaaa :) for tumblr, i'll have a navi/masterlist up in a little!

peace luv bathtub!!!

© sozila 2024, all rights reserved. please do not plagiarize, translate, or repost any of my work on other mediums or sites. cross-posted on ao3 and tumblr under same alias.

[ask-nurse-curly]

as stated in the updated pinned post, we are diverging from the canon roleswap timeline starting nnnnnnnow :) ask boxes are open again!

[ Transcript under the cut ]

Hey Curly, I just wanted to check in with you. Things have been a little weird recently with this nearby satellite..

Are you doing okay?

Hey Captain!

Funny business, isn't it? I don't think we've ever had anything like this happen before.

It's okay, though. Sometimes I kind of want to follow Daisuke's example, but most people are nice.

What about you, everything alright on your end?

Me too, there's just so much going on at all times, haha.

Everything is mostly alright. I've got nice people, but some of them.. They're just getting under my skin. I should probably put the phone down.

How bad is it? My worst has been spam messages, mostly. Did you know the Halcyon colonies are reopening admission?

Makes you wonder why they need new people so soon after launch.

Oh yeah! I don't think I'm going to take their offer, I'm pretty content with Earth.

As for the messages.. I don't know. Some of them are just.. Mean, I guess. I don't want you to worry about it, I can handle it, it's just frustrating.

Have you gotten any fun messages though? I got one not that long ago asking about how I felt being a pilot, it was a nice question.

'Mean'? I'm sure you know that sounds worrisome. Are you okay?

Ah, I can't even remember all of them! There is this Martian scientist who gave me the scoop of planetary warfare amongst their kind, someone who is very intent on educating me about possums, and I even reconnected with someone from my med school years, that was pretty wild. Also someone from an actual gunship patched into our frequency, apparently their surname is the same as yours? Do you know a Hideo?

I'm really fine, if I couldn't handle a few weirdos, I wouldn't be on this ship lol

But.. That's very interesting. I don't know if I have any familiar faces on my end, so consider me jealous of you. I can't say that I know a Hideo? Should I?

Now who are you calling a weirdo? :-)

I don't know if you should! If it's a coincidence then certainly an amusing one, guess Musumes are just made to be captains. :-)

Maybe so.. I'll have to start a club then, Captain Musume club.

And I would NEVER call you a weirdo, Nurse Curly, never ever......

Uh huh. I believe you.

:-)

What is weird is just...how much some of these people seem to know. I wonder if our phones were hacked into somehow? Do you think I should be worried about my Meeboo subscription at this rate?

I feel like I should be more shocked but with how much of our data gets sold off and leaked on a daily basis, I can't find myself to be horrified.

You should definitely worry about your Meeboo subscription though.

...Fair point.

Well, if my streaming services are what takes the brunt of exposure, I suppose I could live with that.

Do you think that's how they found out about your nurses calendar? If that's even a real thing.. Did you ever model for a nursing calendar? Lol

Haha!

No, god no. I could never. Can you imagine me in a pin-up calendar? That would be bonkers.

No, I was just joking. I guess the very nature of their, uh, request was too much for my English sensibilities, so I turned to my trusty defence mechanism honed by generations of haughty stuck-ups.

...How did you know about that?

Well we certainly love a modest king..

I was told about it by one of the messages I got, I didn't know if it was true or not but I guess my curiosity was piqued. Sorry, it was inappropriate to ask.

Oh god, are they still harassing you about me? I'm so sorry.

They are strangely...invested.

I hope it's not too much of a bother. And I doubly hope they cease soon.

I don't mind too terribly, I just feel bad talking about you when you're unaware. I certainly try to keep my answers vague so that I can maintain your privacy.

Truly, I don't know if I should be offended or relieved they ask me more about you than they do myself, haha!

I'd go for relieved! Or perhaps even flattered. They seem to think highly of your captaining skills. :-)

They do! I'm not sure how they know about THAT information, but I'll take what I can get!

I can't say i blame them, it's pretty obvious!

I mean

Crew ratings should be public access, right? Based on delivery reviews and stuff. Or could be if they weren't and got leaked too.

I definitely don't doubt that...

I don't know, they seem fairly invested in my love life as well. Which goes beyond the scope of simple work appraisal. I've been asked if I'm single, who my type is. I felt like I was filling out a dating application lol

Haha, funny that

You could lean into that too, if you wanted to, let them do all the legwork. It's worse than the Wild West on those apps sometimes.

I'm not trying to find someone through texting strangers, besides, it seems they already have my ideal love interest picked out for me. They're trying to cause trouble is what they're doing.

And how do you even know what those apps are like? Isn't that like.. Cheating for you?

Oh shoot. Er

It would be! It totally would be if. If I were still in a relationship.

Which I'm not. For the record.

In any case, not that I prowl those apps much, it's not really uh, worth it for me.

What? Since when are you not??

You were just talking about Marie before we took off. Unless.. Did you break up when we got service...?

Yeah, haha, turns out it's not always great when familiar faces text you, right?

But yeah, she... It's not easy, I guess, dating someone who isn't there for half a year at a time at least, you know?

It was kind of a long time coming, so. She just was the braver one out of the two of us to cut the cord.

Sorry, didn't mean to be a downer. It really is okay though. We're good, and. I think I've kind of went through the stages of grief back when we were still earthside.

So. Not a big deal.

I'm so sorry, Curly :( I wish you would've told me. I'm still here if you need to talk, okay? Breaking up sucks, even if you see it coming.

Oh no, I promise it's okay! It really, really is

I'm okay, it's not a big deal.

I mean, it would be, it

But it's not like

I didn't really

She maybe...didn't really...exist?

Curly what are you saying right now

I am a fool is what I'm saying :-(

I'm so sorry.

Any chance we could pretend I never said anything?

How are we supposed to do that? I don't even know what to say.

Why would you lie about that?

...Could we talk?

I mean, in person.

I'll explain everything, just

I'm afraid of how much of this might get exposed.

Please.

Yeah

Are you in the medbay? I'm on my way.

Yes.

Thank you.

[alphajocklover]

Thank you for reporting on this InstaJock app. It's been helpful to get more information. I work in healthcare and a lot of people ask me about it. So much so that I downloaded it myself to explore the app's features. I wouldn't use it on myself though. I just graduated from med school and I'm not about to waste that education. But one thing I've noticed is this "location feature" where it seems the quality of the jock it might change you into has to do with your surroundings. I have to drive through some more rural parts to get back home and the number of redneck jocks here is freaky. Wondering if you've got more insight into all that.

I’m really glad that my work has been helpful, and I’m also very impressed that you know so much about the app. I’ve never met another person who was able to get the app without falling into its enchantment. You must have protections like I do, or an incredibly strong will. I’m surprised people are interested in the app for healthcare reasons, but I suppose it makes sense. InstaJock turns anyone who uses it into a jock instantly, and jocks are muscular and healthy as shit. If I had to choose between being deathly ill and a dumb jock, I might do the same thing. But we’ll explore the interesting connection between InstaJock and healthcare some other time. Today let’s look at the location feature.

You’ve basically got it all figured out. InstaJock has a feature that tracks your location and turns you into a certain type of jock based on where you are. Or, more accurately, where you spend a lot of time, since it accesses your location history too. Just like all the features it can be turned on and off when setting up an account, or in settings afterwards, but unlike other features it is usually turned on to begin with. It makes sense when you think about it. The app may turn the user into a jock, but they’re still a version of themselves. So their new self should reflect their surroundings. Since you’re in a rural area, it seems most of the InstaJock users there would become redneck jocks.

It is strange that you’re seeing so many though. InstaJock is meant to spread, but… not that quickly. A guy gets turned by the app, maybe invites a couple of his old nerdy friends, and then enjoys being a buff, dumb, sexy jock. The jocks aren’t organized or intelligent enough to turn people on mass. So… someone must be directing them, telling them what to do. They’d have to be smart, but someone the jocks would listen to. There are only a handful of people who could do that. It’s probably the same person whose been using the app to torment nerds, who tricked that nerdy frat president into turning himself, who told that bullied kid InstaJock could help him steal muscles.

I have some theories on who it is. But I shouldn’t say anything until I have more proof. Be careful though. If it’s who I think it is, then our protections… may not keep either of us safe for long.

[neverendingford]

,

[danieyells]

hi there,

thank you so much for all the voicelines you post !! if it’s okay, can i request subaru’s ?

thank you again !

You're welcome! At some point I might go back and put in the ones I leave out because they don't appeal to me as much lol but since i always end up posting 99% of them anyway I think it's enough for most people hahaha. It's all of them now! Sorry for the delay.

I WAS GONNA OMIT ONE OR TWO BECAUSE OF SPOILERS but eh i'll just warm for like. extra spoilers. since after doing more code peeking it wasn't the spoiler i thought it was. SUBARU IS A SWEETIE THOUGH. I also read Subaru's chats which were put in the code recently and. Man this guy needs anxiety meds. I have a small guess as to what his stigma is, but we'll learn in a few days anyway.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. It's wonderful to see you again."

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"It looks like there's a notice for you. I'd be happy to go pick it up for you if you've got your hands full. Oh, forgive me if I'm overstepping."

oh no he's anxious about helping--

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"I really am so lucky to be surrounded by so many kind people like you."

"I never thought I'd get the chance to enjoy the lifestyle of a student until I came to Darkwick. Every day truly is fulfilling here."

it feels like subaru is like. . .the only one who actually enjoys school life here. . .or who really enjoys being here period lmao. . . .

"You think I'm always smiling? Ha ha, I hear that a lot. It just happens when I'm around all of you."

"I may be the captain, but it's just in name. I think Haku is much better suited for the job than me."

"I've been working since I was four, so people often said I was mature for my age. But the truth is, I've still got a lot to learn."

that makes two characters whose parents have essentially been keeping them from normal life and normal childhood for work reasons since they were four year olds. . . .

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"I tend to just have hot water for breakfast. I know it would be better for me to eat a proper meal, but it's just so much effort."

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO START WITH "I NEED THE GHOULS TO EAT PROPER FUCKIN MEALS". . . .

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm sorry I'm so late. The campus is so crowded I can never manage to walk in a straight line, so it always takes me longer than I think. Silly, isn't it?"

baby you're hardly the first person i've met with anxiety about crowds. you're fine.

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"What would I do without Haku's help? Hotarubi would be a mess without him."

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I wonder if I should apply early to take out any common artifacts I might need for this mission. I'll ask Haku what he thinks..."

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Ah!  You surprised me there... I just got back from a small errand. Do you need something?"

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ever since I was a child, the performing arts were my only focus. Maybe that's why people always say my mannerisms are so peculiar. It bothers you too, doesn't it?"

poor boy doesn't know how to act if he isn't acting. . .he doesn't know how to exist off-script. . .no wonder he made a deal with a demon. it's probably the first thing he's ever done for himself.

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'd like to go to the cafeteria, but the line is always so long. I feel bad taking time to choose while people are waiting behind me. The bar of entry feels a little high."

i am once again suggesting subaru get anxiety meds. hell go to sinnostra and get some weed, i bet they sell that. i hear it can help.

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm just about to go and meet a friend. I hate to inconvenience you like this, but if it's something urgent, could you speak to Haku about it instead?"

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"What am I going to do? We're supposed to be meeting up in an hour... If I cancel now, they'll hate me..."

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Whew... I'll walk you back to your house, {PC}. Oh, it's no problem at all, I assure you! I wanted some fresh air anyway."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"I have an Anomalous Ecology test coming up. It's such a fascinating subject, I couldn't help but stay up all night studying. Now I'm a little sleep-deprived."

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm going to stretch my legs a little. I might not have a show to practice for right now, but I need to keep putting myself through my paces. I'll get rusty otherwise."

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm sorry my phone's been making so much noise. I recently downloaded an app by mistake, and it won't stop sending me notifications..."

awww he's also technologically incompetent. . .poor guy was probably raised with such a heavy focus on his career he just. never needed a smartphone. anyone he needed to contact or who needed to contact him was probably always very close by. it sounds like he didn't even properly go to school before going to Darkwick. Somebody please take this boy on a walk. like anywhere. take him to a library. buy him a churro. can sho make churros? this is somebody who's never had any sort of normal social experience and sees how different he is and wishes it weren't the case, unlike Ritsu who assumes everyone else is like him, i think he'd like to have some more Experiences.

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"... ...Oh! Hello, {PC}—I didn't even notice you there. My mind was somewhere else."

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Good morning! Sorry? My hair's messy? You're right, it's sticking right up at the front... That's embarrassing. I'll fix it right away."

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I usually have lunch in the dormitory. I do eat on the terrace with Lyca every now and then, but he seems so busy these days..."

Lyca is one of the members of Obscuary, btw! Seems like he and Subaru are friends.

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I didn't take you for a night owl, {PC}. Since you're here, I suppose I'll stay up a little longer. You're sure you're okay? You're not sleepy?"

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Do you visit Sinostra very often, {PC}? I see... Oh, no reason. I was just making conversation. Ha ha."

why do you ask that. . .a certain mafioso captain wouldn't happen to be suspicious of you would he. . .or maybe you owe them money. . .or maybe you used to be part of Sinostra and moved to Hotarubi. . . .

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"It's getting late, {PC}. How about we finish this tomorrow? Thank you for keeping me company all this time."

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh, I couldn't ask you to come all the way to my room to wake me up—I'd feel terrible. I do very much appreciate the thought, though."

it's okay buddy jin already makes them do it, one more pit stop won't hurt.

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh, hello, {PC}. Sorry, I was actually just on my way out. I should be back by evening—do you mind if we speak then?"

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Lyca has seen my message, so why hasn't he responded to it? I hope nothing bad has happened to him..."

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Lyca will adapt well to human society, I'm sure of it. I'm so relieved that Darkwick chose to trust him. I can't thank you enough for your help."

he really likes Lyca huh? that is his dog.

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"You can't sleep? Then let me tell you some stories. Legend has it that evil spirits appear once you've told a hundred. Now, what number was I up to..."

BOY IS TRYNA GET YOUR ASS HAUNTED.

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"I don't want to seem like I'm testing you, I just... I get really anxious sometimes... I'm sorry. I'm being weird, aren't I?"

he's the type to ask 'are you sure you love me? are you sure you wanna be with me?' after you get married and move in together and own a house and have two kids with another on the way. he's the hyper anxious 'i'm sorry we disagreed about our favorite colors do you hate me?' friend(affectionate) I wonder though, is he apologizing for seeming like he's testing you because he's using his stigma to see what you've been up to or something. . .? Probably not lol it's more likely he just keeps asking if you like him

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"There is no time like spring. Everyone seems more relaxed this time of year. It's reassuring to see."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I have some sakura mochi. I was just about to prepare some tea to go with it—would you like to join me?"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"They have no control over whether they bloom, and yet they get made a spectacle of nonetheless... Oh, sorry—I was talking about the cherry blossoms."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"There are many different flowers growing in Hotarubi, but I think the wisteria are my favorites. This is the best time to see them, so you should take a walk around."

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Hot today, isn't it? It's always raining in Hotarubi, so it does provide a little escape from the blazing summer sun, but... Ha ha. It is very humid, isn't it?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Summer makes me think of the ghost story Yotsuya Kaidan. The scene where Oiwa becomes hysterical, having realized her her face has been disfigured— incredible."

Yotsuya Kaidan is one of the best known japanese ghost stories! It's extremely violent, so read the summary at your discretion. The scene in question has Oiwa shown her reflection by her sister's boss to see that the cream she was given by a woman who was in love with her husband was actually some sort of poison that instantly scarred her face. She grabs a sword and goes to kill her, only for her to accidentally slit her own throat.

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hotarubi House holds regular festivals during the summer months. If you need a yukata to wear, I'd be happy to pick one out for you."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I don't mind scary stories, but when that biwa in the tea room started playing by itself, it did make me jump a little..."

slight spoiler, although you can probably figure it out from this but. . .Zenji is a ghost. Subaru currently can't actually see him or hear his voice. . .only Haku, the pc, and, perhaps not so oddly, Towa can afair. All of his youtube content doesn't have him or his voice in it because he can't be recorded by cameras. So Subaru doesn't realize that the biwa playing on its own is actually Zenji playing the biwa.

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"The air has gotten crisper, and the leaves are changing color. I know it's only natural for the seasons to shift, so why does it make my heart ache so much?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh, these? They're some chestnuts I found. I know—I should give them to Sho. I'm sure he'll be able to make something delicious with them."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"That's another kuchikiri tea ceremony under my belt. It's an annual tradition where one cuts open a tea jar to reveal the tea that was preserved from the first harvest."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"On long autumn nights when the moon is shining beautifully in the sky, it's hard to resist taking a walk outside. Don't stay out until too late though, {PC}."

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"...Oh, {PC}. Good morning... I had a hard time getting up today. It must be the cold... Ha ha. Not very captain-like, is it?"

Jin, Taiga, and Ed are all prone to not getting out of bed. and Yuri falls asleep on operating tables when he has down time. Trust me Subaru you are perfectly captain-like.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Today, I'm going to order ingredients from one of my favorite stores so we can all make negima—tuna and scallion—hot pot together. Please, do join us."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"It's cold out today. I was just thinking about lighting the fire. Would you like to come and warm up with me?"

oh subaru you don't even know how that sounds

(between 8pm and 5am)

"People say winter makes you want to snuggle up with someone, but I find that a good blanket does a much better job."

i agree that blankets are much easier to manage than people lol. probably warmer too.

His birthday: (February 20th)

"A present? For me? Thank you... I didn't expect you to do anything for my birthday, so I'm a little caught off guard. I really appreciate it."

Your birthday:

"Um... Happy birthday.  I really hope this year will be a wonderful one for you."

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. I hope I can depend on your guidance and support again this year."

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Chocolate? Oh, It's Valentine's Day, isn't it? Does that mean these are for me...?"

nah i just wanted you to look at them. YES THEY ARE FOR YOU BBY. why would you be showing him chocolate if it wasn't for him! On any day, not just valentine's day!!

White Day: (March 14th)

"These are for you, {PC}. I put in a special order for monaka from my favorite confectioner in Ginza. They're wafers filled with bean jam—I hope you like them."

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Earlier, Haku told me he was switching houses. It gave me a real shock— I'm very relieved that it wasn't true..."

i bet subaru made the most scared kicked puppy face and started apologizing for being such an awful captain and blamed himself for that haku would go to a different house and haku had to quickly explain it was just a prank for fear that subaru might burst into tears.

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Happy Halloween. I know it's nothing special, but I've prepared some treats for the occasion. Oh... But you're more than welcome to play a trick instead."

please don't trick him. april fool's day was hard enough for him.

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas. We already have our New Year decorations up in Hotarubi, so it has a real east-meets-west atmosphere now. I hope everyone is okay with it..."

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Everyone seems busy at the moment. Maybe I should use this opportunity to tidy the garden..."

(13 affinity and above)

"{PC}? Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just worried because you were so quiet..."

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"You're back... I'm so relieved. I was worried I'd done something to make you feel uncomfortable..."

this man shakes like a chihuahua 24/7. like you can taste the anxiety coming off of him. i love him. he's so pathetic(affectionate). i wanna squeeze his hand reassuringly and tell him everything's gonna be okay. i wanna hug him and pat his head. i wanna take him places so he learns more about the world outside of working. i wanna watch him do schoolwork excitedly because he's never really gone to school before and it's a new and exciting experience. i want him to experience the most mundane aspects of life with wonder.

good boy. yeah. get him anxiety meds /nodnod

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.