#I'm very angry at myself for things that happened | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

unproduciblesmackdown · 29 days ago

Text

also awoke like so i have another meandering probably reiterating bloodsong post in my heart, i can sense....after the kickoff was again reflecting on like yeah interesting lo cocodrilo of the "yeah i'm The Bastard like the narration says, i'm telling you about my whole Villain Thing, which is hate, venom, rage, wrath, spite" Versus going like he's not really that angry huh. which is to further say "well yeah he is like, say, every scene" and "and implicitly Out Of Frame / Not In Scenes We Are Presented where most 'he will & does Biting You Killing You for real (as 'real' as bsol doesn't present the peak relevance of its story as Literal. tfw someone is Literally going to cut off your feet or kill you)' would exist" and "well the anger is more Generally, At This Bitch Of A World / Life which is relevant b/c That's the main issue explored, what of how in this hostile world you might not be able to make it, achieve a goal, pass an obstacle?" wherein like so in this story it's Not about oh the hero Does surmount the obstacles though, the heart of Resolving This Conflict isn't about going on with the mission / according to one's ideals even if you think it will fail (it is, actually)....in a way, the villain does win, so it's emphasized like [even if you can't overcome xyz obstacles], but then also Loses in a way only possible by having lo cocodrilo be a kindred spirit who was Like The Hero in their ideals & whatall & now represents this possible route of "okay, compromise on the ideals so you can try for success at Not being thwarted by obstacles" but where b/c one even went this route over the Disappointed Hopes / Wants / Beliefs, he's really still trying to fulfill those hopes / wants / beliefs in a different way, & spends this whole arc frustrated with the inherent, increasingly strained conflict between "this whole time he's going hi one quastion i want to be loved / wanting happiness/fulfillment through interpersonal emotional connection" & really according to the would-be ideals of villainy here he Wouldn't be angry rage wrath spite, & when he's feeling it he really isn't, cheerful & flexible really, & the Anger is happening more on the fringes of this when the frustration over the continued disappointed hopes/wants for [Of Love] flares up, culminating with a matter so privately personal the narrator has to tell us like "oh btw here he was loving & being loved just Not On The Terms He Wanted Apparently. villainy failure all along resulting in heartbreak catastrophe at the culmination of that" fake idgafer i saw you at the kinda loving kinda your child

which is that point again of interest in lo cocodrilo's kind of Reverse Arc of these other outright villains of the oeuvre, whose arcs are like "purport ultimate form of caring support for you & for everyone, uh oh now look at the destruction being wrought by this villain" in relation to protagonists' arcs of feeling very at sea about their entire approaches to life at the start, while also existing in this [just like our real world] generally hostile setting, & then the increasingly exposed destructiveness / antagonism of these villains' approaches, despite having espoused their deal as totally At Odds w/this destructive antagonistic hostile world, plays into the protagonists' arcs as they figure out like okay yeah so uh Not That then huh lol....while it's not necessarily Wholly Dissimilar with bsol's villain, you can consider all the villains ofc acknowledging & reacting to the Hostile World & offering an alternative even ofc simply through the theoretical refuting argument of their different approach & its successes. but it's so fun how, say, uno reverse it is between say the asp & lo cocodrilo out here lol the way his thing is "purport hostility, destructiveness, antagonism, Fuck Everybody Else i'm biting scratching hating you killing you i'm the idgafer....uh oh now look at the love being wrought by this villain" twist of having your kid you did not kill b/c [nooo Caring Support nooo] lol when like. again in this case the hero doesn't need to thwart the villain in the same way, in this case, the villain more so thwarts themself....in bsol like at the very beginning, very ending, [just before climactic act two events] last on land, Everyone's Here including the would-be villain as the issue of Everyone As Kindred Spirits Vs This Hostile Life is expressed & explored, even with no details or literal expression of it that [bsol's now whole plotline was once a show within a show with a parallel more "real life" plotline about putting on this show together despite the stakes in its success]

like how it's kinda that like the hero & villain here are more parallels than In Conflict in the same way, which i say while of course lo cocodrilo introduces an inciting event conflict lmao, but from then till the climax what he does is Put The Hero More Into: The Conflict With This Hostile World by necessitating this difficult journey where further obstacles can be put in place from afar in addition to [just this hostile world]....lo cocodrilo doesn't represent even this culmination or platonic ideal of an actor of such hostile forces (even if he might want to claim to) when, as these other shows also just kind of make it clear like "yeah ofc these are these destructive misguiding villain roles actually," it's also not really a secret or impossible to tell with further context that from the start he's Really still motivated by vulnerability & despite seemingly being introduced to this Fully Successful Villain In His Element like well clearly it's not that, & the dissonance of that is comedic while also expressing what he really wants out of everything, & isn't getting, in that say like. the more Really successful [rage wrath spite] "i am going to kidnap a spouse for myself" would be re: banana, where The Wife Of truly just wants everyone in place for their roles in Normative Ideal Life & doesn't care that that theoretically concomitant ideal Love of this life isn't happening, while even with the comedic "haha well this isn't how Ideal & Normal is supposed to look" of It's Evil Sitcom Dinner With The Villain like, you've got lo cocodrilo showing that he still imagines the Ideal as genuinely warm & amicable & affectionate, & does genuinely care about Not Having That. expressing the conflict between "having a nice time with other people" & "killing them" in that reverse fashion, introduced to this openly villainous openly killing you guy only for him to Thwart Himself with the [of love] that was inside him along the way / all along lol. while it is Not Relevant for the hero to really Thwart this villain who is more so a Practical obstacle, playing into all the rest of the obstacles a hero will encounter in this hostile world & it's so hard & what if it's Too hard & you really just can't do it? & the answer through Last On Land & emphasized through actual direct conflict w/the villain afterwards where it's like well okay you're doing what you Despite The Difficulty do b/c of what you want & believe in, you do so even if you think achieving whatever goal you pursue b/c it's who you are re: your wants & ideals may be impossible b/c indeed life may happen to be too hostile, & you can do this with others' help, which Does help, even if things are still too hostile, Because sure you can decide to compromise on your wants & ideals Because things were too hostile & this is the way to Try To Achieve Things Successfully Despite The Difficulty, but of course not only might this life still be too hostile even if you think you've mitigated that factor for yourself But you still won't get what you wanted & believed in in the first place to even be so crushed by its being thwarting, so if there's heartache in it either way, you may as well hold on to your wants & ideals in the first place

& again how lo cocodrilo's arc as villain plays into This, vs that the hero can thwart him when the hero's story here was about having the wants & ideals & mission just fine But The Obstacles, struggling with the awareness all the motivation & belief wouldn't be Enough to win against said obstacles, & an emotional resolution that Doesn't go "oh no but it'll be fine Only because You Might Not be thwarted after all & might totally succeed" but rather like gotta do it if you believe in it / that's what you're about anyway, & as ever the value in that effort even if it fails, & then As Expressed Via The Villain that even if in response to disappointed ideals you try to change things up but still secretly hoping to fulfill those ideals then you're just set up for More heartbreak really....again that like an antagonist who's more truly at odds w/the hero in terms of Wants / Beliefs / What You're About & successfully Not at odds with themself being with this miniboss holding banana hostage in evil marriage, who truly does consider this a success so long as banana is physically here, perhaps at gunpoint, don't care....while lo cocodrilo is more at odds w/the hero from the like practical standpoint lol like yeah this is the Overall Journey In A Hostile World to go make sure my wife is unkidnapped & reunite & junk & hopefully be sitcom married beyond that, but that again like openly it's like "yeah i don't care about / intend to kill the villain" like the Obstacle lo cocodrilo presents is Practical in that way, not really about any convincing beyond that or Ultimate Thwarting. more so being this parallel role where again like. it would kinda diminish the stakes of that emotional conflict "what about how i know i might be thwarted myself" if the hero did just happen to overcome all the obstacles, meanwhile the villain kinda winning / thwarting the hero as Obstacle Indeed Unovercome but that even in that theoretical "success" there's that illustration of him being on this self-defeating path & indeed just heartbreak anyway b/c the whole time he didn't Really leave behind the turkey self who figuratively died of Too Thwarted to become a crocodile self, he Does care if the kidnapped spouse held at gunpoint didn't actually love him though

don't have Everything said on all the above [kindred spirit more a parallel role than perpendicular at odds in the Emotional Realm of the villain's relevance to the hero's story, which is the most important one] or said ultimately Precisely, which is the fun & enrichment of it. gotta do my thing, which is to muse & talk about ideas at length, even if i never feel myself like "wow the Perfect Expression Of The Perfect Ideas" or lord knows never have "wow everyone who reads this is like yeah that's what this is. great value" lmaooo....for the love of the posting discursive mini essays on super niche topics

but yeah also interesting how it kinda emerges in that point that lo cocodrilo is not All That angry, i say like yeah it's not still every scene or between scenes he'll cut off your feet to make a point: that he's that bitch w/that reputation to uphold, b/c that reputation is part of what helps him not be thwarted by obstacles, & we ofc only ever see him at this theoretical peak villainous success....but that's where we also see these Purported Ideals of being so utterly unthwarted like immediately in question, even as the first interaction lo cocodrilo has after being like [Yep That's Me, The Bastard of the story] is to be like lmaoooo imagine me pursuing this woman for sex?? i want her shoes & i'll never explain myself. like well that Setup of "want it, take it, might cut off your feet in the process as [if You're an obstacle in this process, it's you vs lo cocodrilo & his knife]" is then just paid off like "so of course, without explanation, he steals an entire [this other woman]" like just another day in the sicko life right. but if he were Really Villain Successful that alone would be that, & violetta being held captive On Site would be fully successful. but that not only is it comedic to get this Interaction of [scene/song in which the villain purportedly explains their whole deal] into "now This isn't really the ideal" Dinner Convo into the tension between lo cocodrilo as Threatening Villain Lives (Kills) To Be Unthwarted as is ideal as actually still just vulnerable to being like no but the thing about the normative ideals of marriage is the Emotional Fulfillment promised in that, thus also the dissonance of his like earnest sort of more would-be mundane bemusement / disappointment at their dynamic not being ideal, you're awful quiet tonight lol....that Even While Performing The Song Purportedly Expressing What The Villain's All About like, it sure does feel like in retrospect's context already like you can see that the [hate rage wrath spite idgaf] is mostly directed at This Hostile Life, like how even say the "wow i'm so successful. this rules" enjoyment of what he's achieved rings more hollow than say the like. erotically charged anticipation / imagining of as yet unrealized theoretical fulfillment. e.g. ohh i want my nemesis foil would-be obstacle to come right on up before me actually, the brutal vengeful catharsis i could have....that you only have the frustration over the Failure of [already fulfilled ideals, theoretically] flare up after a bit to express to the audience that this whole time lo cocodrilo has been wanting a genuinely warm dynamic here, then to Start to issue the more apparently Pertinent Threat / indirect [holding you here at gunpoint], & then to dial things comedically back again Trying to cart before the horse perform that warm dynamic to wrap up this married life dinner exchange, which only ends b/c he's further Thwarted by henchman steve being the one like okay i know you're still trying with this playing house thing but i know your wife is fully antagonistic to you / that playing house thing so i can't tell you this pertinent info in front of her sooo....leave it to cocosteve with the homosexuality read i swear. & then the disruption of expectations in lo cocodrilo continuing to be thusly surprisingly flexible & conversational only to Last Minute have this thing with the "my god knock thrice first" issue which he only later insists on as contrivance to be Feeling Himself through profoundly homosexual brutal vengeful catharsis uponst steve with the blood cannon [blood in this show is also metaphorical heart, passion, emotion] & literal heart mailing [heart in this show is also metaphorical heart] & i can't say enough what a Scene Of All Time the entr'acte into scene w/henchman steve is kicking off act two. an encapsulation of Villain Of All Time in lo cocodrilo in that too, & that profound homosexuality only helps of course, but i'm completely serious like i can't begin to do these things justice. the writing, pacing, performance going on, holy shit

which yknow i supposee that's a tangent too, that that act two scene which is the next Extensive Moment w/Cocodrilo that just really focuses on what's up with him / his arc emotionally well beyond the Simpler Practical Facts of what he's up to were really just here to be [practical obstacle to be overcome, Successful at bringing these villainous ideals] like matter of fact & cheerful, then like. lord it's exquisite this villain role in concept & execution just like being surprised & unhappy about "your nemesis / impending obstacle persists" news & thus again That's where we get these outbursts of frustration & but like. that also lo cocodrilo does "ideally" want to Not be feeling hate rage wrath spite b/c he more so Is just chilling when things seem to be going well (better), as well as just that like, well, pretty limited how santa violetta & henchman steve just act towards him in turn with these looks into their dynamic. like violetta is unhappy of course but left & right openly uncooperative to defiant & hostile & telling him to kill himself & everything. & henchman steve as [your funny little guy helper] is juxtaposed w/banana more Office Job, Named & having to be reined in vs banana more so able to just do his thing & comedically contrast with hardass more emotionally withdrawn hero the musician, but even so steve is only Somewhat more reined in & focused on having to humor [boss who kills you??] when like to be sure he's having to do that & the boss kills you but like.

steve also going above & beyond here as likewise this part of this dynamic that has the potential to be providing that emotional fulfillment lo cocodrilo wants but is Rejecting his actual wants & looking for that peak normative "well surely if you have the spouse held captive & there you are being married then all the fulfillment follows, right" as the one way he can like, more openly pursue the [of love] on his terms. but here's henchman steve even doing that little bit of Thwarting by being gently at odds w/lo cocodrilo in the process of trying to look out for him genuinely, backing off when pushed back thusly, & yet. lo cocodrilo's frustration that his nemesis remains unthwarted as Indignation, henchman steve like cough sneaker scuff, pressing him on Being Ready For A Showdown, lo cocodrilo Kind Of snapping over That frustration of disappointed hopes but it's hardly rage & wrath vs already more openly Sad momentary halfhearted shove of a verbal lashing out, which also doesn't even fully drive steve off or even seem to Put him off or anything if lo cocodrilo really was like Anger & Aggression city so fully & genuinely. & then being so outright miserable & henchman steve just fully jumping into the chance to also earnestly cheer him up with the villainous success of service charges lmaooo & that moment of overlapping dialogue In lo cocodrilo indeed being cheered up, "there's nothing the public loves more than being screwed" "you know, there's a lot of truth to that, sir" "alright, get out, i hate you" like i am....stricken with this lmfao. like it's So good & funny truly but that this obviously comedically [disrupted expectations] of like genuinely vulnerable / earnest emotional dynamic between lo cocodrilo & henchman steve, indeed some of what lo cococdrilo actually wants but has to reject that Wanting or Seeking....going so well but even before, in the establishing of "uh oh, the villain is feeling himself villainously while preparing for this showdown," lo cocodrilo contriving that Reason to go sicko mode on steve like clearly Not out of rage wrath hate spite, even before that i said that lo cocodrilo is real quick capping off that exchange ft. What He Really Does Want with the "btw i hate you go away" like. & then indeed going sicko mode w/brutal vengeful catharsis & the homoeroticism of it all & the narrator explaining how much lo cocodrilo prefers the personal nature of killing you with knives & did i mention blood & all and. i give myself pause every time just Actually Remembering Things Myself like head in my hands close em baby xxx kisses carol like. that while back at theoretical full capacity feeling himself it's like gee i can't have emotional intimacy with steve but at least i can have gay sex with him i mean kill him with my knife for his heart as part of our little set up contrivances & [just remembered like with the dog metaphor business. well] & That is that expression of the actuality of lo cocodrilo full villain moding & that it's like oh & he's gay btw. feeling so hyped up & unthwartable & having just relished this personal knife kill after responding to that emotional intimacy & hurriedly rejecting said response? means he's also being so brightly cheerfully gay homosexual rn & brunch with carol is on

i'm lost in the sauce already he's right to be so hyped lmao. lo cocodrilo the villain that you are....um i suppose i could also say that then yeah we do see him more ofc overall aggressive & like persistently seethingly angry when it's all coming undone as the inevitable culmination of him thwarting himself as not Really succeeding as the villain with the wants & motivations & feelings you claimed to have, or you wouldn't care if your evil marriage didn't have genuine warmth, or probably even if you just had to go kidnap another random "well you're a woman so this is correct normative ideal arrangements" like banana being that parallel of "held at gunpoint as spouse just required to be physically present & she doesn't care that she hates him", he could just noscope the musician immediately b/c he doesn't feel he has anything to prove to himself, he could've avoided the entire inciting incident plotline after all b/c he doesn't Need more emotional fulfillment one way or another....combo move where his fatal lashing out is over the anger at that Actually Unfulfilled In This Hostile World vulnerability & desires he's rejecting while still actually being entirely motivated by them & the conflict of that, & we kind of knew that part since our villain monologue/song dinner scene way back there, so it's also coming on the heels of the revelation confided in the audience that yknow you see, the "purported hate? oops actual love" uno reverse arc there is what it is, it's been more focused on wanting To Be Loved already wrt violetta but we also knew well she hates him, so, but then the outright "but here's where he Is loved & thus also where he loved in turn" little surprise context there that like ah, even if he kind of stumbled into what he wanted but just not on the terms he was seeking it (see: as also glimpsed with henchman steve) he's still doomed to heartbreak despite Success in addition to heartbreak over failure, if he has to reject it for himself / deny it b/c he rejects & denies his own vulnerability & wants & feelings that are what he's been acting on all along, pursuing what promises this fulfillment, whether also it's read into like, we don't know his backstory, we Do Know he's someone experiencing this hostile life all the same, all he says is he never got a thing by living the turkey life being like the musician, but whether implicitly it's like well with the nonzero detail is that the story of his Family experienced as [you are turkey jr] being blown up by this seemingly arbitrary Fuck You In This Hostile World, well, better Be those forces / more in alignment with them to try to avoid those insurmountable obstacles / unbearable antagonism in this life....all while yknow again it can't be wrong to suppose it simply Was unbearable or what all, it's not like "well lo cocodrilo's problem is he was too Weak about it, boo hiss. you can Not Be Him by being stronger i.e. better" like it's that well you'll wanna avoid that if you can b/c it'll break your heart anyway after having turned to to avoid (more) heartbreak, so at least this way you can avoid that inherent internal conflict & hold on to who you already are rather than have to reject them & Maybe get what you want, but even if you don't....

lost in that sauce i tell you, what tangents do i have. idk reiterating that as ever lo cocodrilo makes me think more about judith & her role vs the protagonist's story than the would-be parallel in clear villain role (who does, somewhat, More So represent the Larger Hostile World while also still being a person within it) like lo cocodrilo's reaction like you can only look out for yourself & just being hostile in turn & everyone hated that....& feels more similar to sheila even by extension. party where up next we can compare susannah to the musician, the musician ii, banana....party where i go: also yknow the musician & violetta being like Most Conceptual to me, the way that they're indeed like the more Typical Expected (relatively) soberly dramatic spaghetti western romantic leads / roles there, while everyone else is also of this world which is representative of that Hostility more general, as i imagine is the case in spaghetti westerns overall where indeed it's all the more A Concept that establishes drama, hostility, difficulty in surviving, oh shoot watch out for someone shooting you....they're like these ghosts of these concepts & ideals while over here are the weirder funnier sider characters. whatever like dynamic of Emotion Into Passion Into Emotion response / interaction going on in [for some reason here's these two leads, romantic, married] like sure i don't really know what they're doing As People, theoretically, but. elevated & comedic but feeling more like a "real life" parallel in [you gotta rescue them from being held captive in evil marriage: banana edition] where banana is indeed having his arm twisted & meanwhile has this perspective of "i mean, i feel these things, & i want these things, but what of it?" not expecting Any connection b/w those wants & feelings & What Might Actually Happen [scream, in the many ways this can be applied] & only can be like oh wait of course if the musician Needs Him as that purpose to Obviously fulfill & this features like that of course it's not Just a matter of "yes you have your adventures but it's at least implied you return to normal domestic life before/after/between, just out of frame laughing too" like nope the musician stole your man, textually is the dialogue (& that others do not refer to banana as banana, most having titles & epithets rather than Names names, also textually addressed) after the musician was like banana you don't belong here i'm gonna get you out of here like this normative ideal life? no way! take your shirt off! i know this isn't you b/c i know you even as you're like "but i can't just consult my feelings & wants to know what's in accordance with them, or with what's more generally good, right?" [scream....] & indeed you have to woo your special little guy back with the Response of his Heart....banana the queerness that you also bring already exactly as things are, being like oh of course the ideal life i'd live adjacently to where you live, oh of course i would offer cuddling with you, oh of course the musician is everything to me, & then this is avenue of "banana feeling bad he couldn't Help The Musician & the musician is like it's fine & banana doesn't even Have to Be Badass or whatever & noscope the villain or anything he'd just have helped by dying for him to give him another chance" like thinking of That as [banana knows what he wants & feels & Does, all on his own, connect it to what gets to actually happen (because it's something he can choose to do)] like what all was i even talking about, idk, banana ;_;

couple last tangent addendums like i said [the central romantic leads are kind of ghosts n concepts to me] like they really could be. here is banana's idea of the Properly Determined Action-Taking Useful In Dire Straits guy who he would respect more than anything & thus perhaps implicitly aspire to be. here is lo cocodrilo's much vaguer idea of Who Would Be Beloved which is well, if you're a man, a woman, right? uhh this one sure whatever. anything can be coconana if you "i'm being funny forever like their One Interaction is really that meetcute that it is but already that's really good for real. the basis of 'what if we kissed & we were both funny little guys' is really good for real. the basis of [blaring static & audio feedback. plus distant reverberating single coughs & sneaker scuffs] them Both being so so so so 'haha does anybody want me at all for any reason or feel any kind of way about me at all' oh b/c you kidnapped me & hate me but identified me as Some Man who just needs to be trapped here even if you have total contempt for me & it's not like it's necessarily implied at all that banana is Unused to / expects otherwise if he's not with the musician as in a Duo with him, & then there's lo cocodrilo just like well i achieve the normative success & i have to have the emotional fulfillment? what else can i do to pursue it? nothing i won't repress the thought of haha. trying to imagine This Has Gotta Be Good with someone who hates me too" like this is all lively enough stuff. not to mention like lo cocodrilo Is fiery, he's bright & sunny, banana ofc compared to the musician is the bright & open one there too, but he's Also the more subdued sidekick in a way still, [everything re: his I Guess This Is As Good As It Gets & Is Everything You Could Want & Is Forever Now & It's Nice To Be Wanted years held hostage in wretched marriage], the more Withdrawn / Inward / Pensive aspects you get while he's around he musician (i.e. most of the time) too, only through the musician's support & encouragement being more spontaneous & outward & whatall despite that Also just truly being part of him as hapless unusual spontaneous funny little guy to be simply Supported & Encouraged out of him in the first place, without this band i do nothing, i'm trapped in suburban home jail with contemptuous parties....but in comparison w/lo cocodrilo i'm like i imagine Then relatively it's cocodrilo fiery banana wet. you know exactly what i'm saying

i've probably forgotten some entire point but this was foreseen by me like "wandering inconclusive words i'm saying via blocks of writing time" uhh what's like one more tangential addendum. for emphasis i'll just mention again how like again in the start & ending with Outlaw & Friendship Song Reprise & in the heart of the matter song/scene out of the hero's lowest point & penumltimate song on album ofc Last On Land you have everyone altogether kindred spiriting it up as though also ofc these were all always roles in a show within a show b/c that aspect is likewise still there in spirit all along. audio 15th anniversary in three days, april 24th, an oottmt even. aughhhh

#bsol #not yet writing this 1 bsol fic for 0 ppl i'm trying to finish like hang on. 5 hrs doing this #yet it's what i must do....#or i sure also choose to. gotta be me up to my things #coconana #cocosteve #the texts.... (me; talking about these threads. including ones i've spun together myself)#(i also can't overemphasize the Three Body Problem parallel comedically w/imagining simultaneous banana cocodrilo steve interaction)#(i can't like get to the First Point of ''okay what could happen in this scene'' but i'm laughing about the very non idea so much)#Imagine Your OTP (the one pic ft. both banana & lo cocodrilo ''together'' going ;m; & [ANGRY CROCODILE NOISES] respectively)

0 notes

spotforme · 4 months ago

Text

it's very stupid

#it's very stupid to realize one has- maybe- a trauma #like.. it doesn't effect-affect me in any way i can think of (lolz that just leaves the subconcuous mind dawg) ...#so it's not that bad? :) eh?#like how i got it wadn't stupid no-one in the situation was stupid but why did it stick?!?! that's stupid #why did i just realize (i have known for a long time. i think.) that that's the reason i couldn't be exited for anything -#without being scared.#like fuck is it still here??!?! i just made me my favourite soup! it has fish and everything! it's so good and i almost never get it #i love it and i can't wait to eat it but why then did i catch myself thinking ''prepare. you're gonna mess up the ingredients somehow it #won't be as good as you think it will''#I DON'T WANNA BE INDIFFERENT TO THE SOUP #I LOVE THE SOUP #why must i be so scared to be excited about stuff i actually care about #i remember once crafting a mailbox out of paper. it was really good i spent a long time to make it perfect #then i went to show it around. i saw my mother starting to praise it. it had to be destroyed #it's so stupid i was so angry at my mother for making me destroy the thing i had put so much effort into. .#but in the moment it felt like it had to be done. i could not keep around something that others knew i loved because they would know i would #be sad when it eventually went kaput. i had to prevent that from happening #so i tore it up myself. i remember tearing it up. i was so sad i did not want to tear it up. but the decition had been made (by my brain)#i was too scared #that's just one example. doesn't sound very good now that i write it out #nowdays it's more; i get a new hobby. maritime rules for example. i WANT to talk about it and all the interesting things i learned #i WANT to share. but i do not want them to know what topic/class/hobby/interest i'm talking about #because that would mean thwy know what i like. and i can NOT let them know i've really been enjoying playing the harmonica lately #if they knew... i don't even know #they would pity me when i lose that? they would feel sympathy? they would know my pain? the thing i don't yet have #so in total i can count about two fears #1) being excoted for something and planning it and getting ready only for it to not happen at all #2) the black lake #but like i said it's very stupid

0 notes

cubot · 6 months ago

Text

I am so irritable today it's not funny. Either I am doing the weird migraine tango (before another one? after what happened last night?) or something is up. There is no reason for me to be this unreasonably pissed off.

#ramblings #actually i can list several things that happened that make me angry but i think those made me worse than instigating anything #i am so angry that i dropped some of my lunch that i ate an hour later than usual and i slapped myself in the head very hard in autopilot #i'm going to steal a gogurt from the work fridge (for kid snacks but there are a lot so i can take one) to make up for the table salad

1 note · View note

forehead451 · 8 months ago

Text

stream of consciousness type deal.

#people's experiences of you will be so drastically different from what you're like when relaxing/unmasking at home and they'll be shocked #when you live together and you thought you let them see what you were like normally except most of the time theyve seen you at home its an #Occassion™ so ofc im gonna be alert and jumping around and talkative bc theres a lot happening and im really happy theyre there #and i can be still. but once they see me day after day exhausted and overstimulated its different bc i am different #i dont feel like i am but i am #and if they dont believe when you explain whats happening then shit hits the fan #for a while i did not understand why they were getting so mad at me at dinner #the other people there understand how i can be foggy or overstimulated and just need to eat and im happy to be there i just need to not look #at anyone or say much and im dizzy from working all day. i need to mash for a bit all ill be good. theyve been generous to take me as honest #when i tell them what im doing.#but a person who is not used to seeing me that way will start thinking im rolling my eyes at whats being said when im actually staring into #space or trying to refocus or trying to get my body to stay in itself instead of drifting off and they think im quietly judging and ik like #im so sorry but fr im not even listening to the group conversation and im not thinking anything negative about you im just gathering my body #i SWEAR. also its agreed that i take part in a group meal instead of isolating with my food bc i need to eat right now too #now that ive stopped working and im going to go back to working after this meal so. this is what i have to do. it is understood and you're #somewhat new to being here on a daily basis but I'm serious i just have to do this and im not being shady im just Something™#(aka exhausted/overstimulated/neurodivergent.) but when i get up with the gathered dishes without making eye contact im automatically angry #and im judgemental and manipulative and trying to control everyone's mood by making my problems everyone's problems with my sighing and eye #rolling. im like. again im not rolling my eyes im trying to focus my eyes. and im not sighing at whats being said im letting out the breath #i realized ive been holding bc im holding myself back from an anxiety rollercoaster drop bc im very overstimulated rn and i was asked to be #here to share meals and deal with it in front of everyone and you arent understanding that id be doing the same thing in private #nothing's WRONG im just OVERSTIMULATED RN and im pulling my body back and im not thinking anything about ANYONE in this room but im starting #to NOW bc you keep assigning meaning where ive told you repeatedly theres none and i get why you're interpreting it this way but i promise #thats not what im doing and your reasons for why im doing it are not accurate.

1 note · View note

norrisainz33 · 1 month ago

Text

crossfire || gr63

summary: max verstappen's little sister has been a staple in the f1 paddock for years and for all of those years he has kept her from dating a driver..... until now that is and it just so happens to be one of his biggest opps

pairing: george russell x verstappen!reader

fc & warnings: poorly translated dutch, sibling fighting, kelly p makes 1 insta comment and some bad language

requested: yesss thank you for requesting!!

masterlist

ﾟ. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ﾟ

ynverstappen has made a post

liked by maxverstappen1, redbullracing, liamlawson30, isackhadjar, olliebearman, georgerussell63, lando, iamrebeccad, dior, and 1,963,340 others

ynverstappen: oh how i love summer 🌞🌊🍷

view all comments

user1: oh how i love you

maxverstappen1: could've been enjoying summer with me in st barts but ok

ynverstappen: you just won't let that go huh

maxverstappen1: no! can't believe u chose friends over family

ynverstappen: diva alert

kellypiquet: just ignore him sweetheart

user2: shes got that summer glow fr

yourbff: i'm so jealous of you. mail me that bathing suit NOW!

maxverstappen1: wait are you not with her?

user12: hold on a second... why this seem so fishy and idek whats going on

schecoperez: ☀️🏝️❤️

ynverstappen: 🤍🥰

user63: no y'all don't understand....i'm like 97% sure that is george russells boat in the second slide

user1: ok grandma pack it up

user63: no im serious!! go look at his instagram story and TELL ME those boats don't look identical

f1gossip: you have made a very interesting observance here user63

user5: please just reject me so i can move on

f1gossip has made a post

liked by user1, user2, user3, user4, user5, user6, user7, user8, user9, user10, and 43,234 others

f1gossip: it's been brought to our attention that it appears like y/n verstappen, sister to our world champion, has been spending some time on george russell's boat after telling her brother max that she'd be spending time with her best friend y/bff/n. i think the only explanation for the deception would be that george and y/n have a secret fling that they very much don't want max to find out about... what do you all think?

view all comments

user1: as a resident grussell sprout, i can say with certainty that the first photo from y/n is without a doubt george's boat

user3: my favorite little horse has got to keep himself safe from the verstappen's pls

user2: max is gonna lose it after this. the rb is already causing him pain and now we've got y/n with his enemy

user4: i'd give my left leg to be a fly on the wall of whatever conversation y/n and max have

user5: DEF the same boat in these pictures aint no way

user6: wait y/ngeorge is kinda cute

user7: she should be with meeeeee whyyyyy george of all people

user8: georgie porgie for the WIN

georgerussell63 has posted to his story

view all story replies

user3: ……. ok well way to rub it in that you’re no longer single. i’ll see myself out

yourbff: george ……. this…….. i can’t keep defending you both

georgerussell63: blimey neither of us are good at this soft launch thing

user4: nah that’s y/n i recognize that sweater and ring

ynverstappen: GOERGE DELTE!! DELETE DELETE DELETE MAX BOUGHT MY THAT RING HE IS GONNA RECOGNIZE IT PLEASE DELETE THUSBGEORGE

georgerussell63: too late….. he saw it

ynverstappen: great!!! i literally just talked him off a ledge 2 days ago and now this

georgerussell63: what kind of brother even buys their sibling custom made jewelery im 😭😭😭😭😭

ynverstappen: THE SWEET AND THOUGHTFUL KIND 😔

georgerussell63: is the sweet and thoughtful one in the room w us rn bc i think we’ve got the crazy and angry version instead

ynverstappen: the sweet and harmless version of him is in there somewhere 😭

georgerussell63: well…….. it’s been nice knowing you my love. i think im not surviving this race weekend

user21: porge why would you do this to me

mercedesamgf1: oh so you wanna soft launch but not tell me with who?

georgerussell63: you’ll find out soon enough admin

user12: don’t be shy tell us who this is

kimi.antonelli: hello???????

georgerussell63: i’ve really enjoyed being your teammate man. you're such a great kid and a very talented driver

kimi.antonelli: ??? are you sick or something

maxverstappen1: that’s my sister. i had that ring custom made for her in italy. i swear to god if one of you doesn’t start explaining im going to run directly into you in turn one and even then i think i still might. it’s about time i go bowling

georgerussell63: hey so…… yes… that’s your sister. there is no denying that. i’m sorry it’s taken us so long to tell you but we were worried about exactly this. max mate i love your sister. more than i’ve ever loved anyone or anything before. i know it’s not exactly ideal and we don’t have to be best mates but can’t we at least try to make it work and not kill each other… at least for y/n/n?

maxverstappen1: i’m sorry… this has been going on for so long that you LOVE her?????

georgerussell63: we’ve been together for almost a year

maxverstappen1: george tell me you’re kidding

georgerussell63: i’m not

✿

after the 15th missed call in the span of ten minutes, you knew there was no more pretending. no more brushing it off, no more acting like the fan pages and your brother hadn’t figured it out. no more hiding.

you groaned and finally hit accept, pressing the phone to your ear. “max emilian, please—”

“do not even start with me,” he snapped, voice already raised. “care to explain yourself?!”

you flinched, pulling the phone away slightly before bringing it back to your ear with a heavy sigh. “george and i are dating,” you said calmly though your stomach was in shambles. “we have been for about a year now and he makes me really happy max.”

there was a beat of silence but it wasn’t relief. it was the kind that comes right before a storm. “are you kidding me?!” max exploded. “how many times have I told you not to get involved with my coworkers?!”

“yeah, you've made that very clear,” you muttered, pinching the bridge of your nose. “you’ve warned off every single driver who’s ever even looked in my direction.”

“and for good reason!” max yelled. “this world and this paddock are a mess. It’s politics and pressure and cameras everywhere. you don’t need to get dragged into it.”

“i’m already in it max!” you shot back, standing now, unable to sit still. “i was born into it just like you, remember? I’m your sister and jos is my dad too. i know what this world is like just as well as you do! just because i didn't make it to f1 and failed at karting and am not the favorite child prodigy like you, doesn't mean i don't understand.”

“but george?” max interrupted completely glossing over what you had said. “you had to go for my least favorite person in the entire damn paddock? could have at least been like lando or even yuki… hell even liam?!”

“he’s not who you think he is!” you defended without hesitation. “you see him through this stupid grudge you refuse to let go of. but he’s kind, max. he listens. he’s patient. and he’s never made me feel like I had to hide who I was like i have to do with you.”

that last part slipped out before you could stop it.

max went quiet.

“you’ve been so busy controlling everything around me that you didn’t even notice that i’ve been happy. genuinely and truly happy. for the past year. and I kept it from you because I knew you’d react like this like I’d betrayed you somehow.”

“it feels like you did,” he said quietly, all anger in his voice seemingly disappeared. “you’re my sister, my closest friend. and you didn’t trust me with this.”

“i wanted to,” your voice shook as you felt the tears coming on. “but you made it impossible.”

silence again, this time a heavy one.

finally, max sighed on the other end. “so what now?”

“now you have a choice,” you said softly. “you can keep holding on to whatever it is you have against him or you can try to see what I see. i’m not asking for a blessing. just... maybe don’t start a fist fight the next time you see him or cut his break lines or run into him on purpose.”

max let out a dry laugh, and you could practically hear him running a hand down his face. “no promises.”

✿

f1gossip has made a post

liked by user1, user2, user3, user4, user5, user6, user7, user8, user9, user10, and 87,245 others

f1gossip: good news grusselistas! george appears to have survived his first interaction with max after boatgate (where y/n verstappen and george were spotted on the same yacht and have bee subtly soft launching each other). reports say the conversation started out heated and several folks heard max raising his voice animatedly but in the end the pair hugged it out and even shared a few laughs.

view all comments

user1: i'm sorry this set of pictures is sending me. ofc george is diva'ing his way into max's good graces

user2: DIVA ALERT 🚨

user3: no i was genuinely kinda scared for george's safety. max does NOT play about his y/n/n 🤯

user4: thank GOD. russtappen agenda is ALIVE 🤩

user5: WAR IS OVER (i think)

user6: y/n is uniting enemies and squashing beefs. her power is unmatched 😍

user7: god george looks so stupid i love him so much

ynverstappen has made a post

liked by yourbff, kellypiquet, sophiekumpen, maxverstappen1, georgerussell63, kimi.antonelli, lando and 1,345,333 others

ynverstappen: the rumors and boatgate are true! i am in love with george william russell!! but i mean look at him... how could i not be??? congrats to george on an incredible drive today. i am so proud of you 🩵🩵

view all comments

user1: whoa you in mercedes gear is jarring

sophiekumpen: happy that you're happy my pretty girl

ynverstappen: bedankt mama 🤍[thanks mom]

user4: not the russtappen i was hoping for but seems it is the russtappen that i needed

georgerussell63: i love you to the moon and back y/n/n 🥰

ynverstappen: i love you too my handsome man 🤍

kimi.antonelli: so this is why george was acting like he was going to die and telling me how much he appreciated me

ynverstappen: yes 😔 george was convinced the end was near

georgerussell63: because there was not a 0% chance that it was

mercedesamgf1: we're glad both of our drivers are safe

maxverstappen1: i finally made myself stomach the idea of you with him and now you're wearing mercedes merch? zus, je stelt mijn geduld op de proef. [sister, you are testing my patience]

ynverstappen: kom er al overheen. i wear your merch every other day of the week. [get over it already]

maxverstappen1: fine... but lets keep it to a minimum

user12: i was truthfully unfamiliar with gr's game

lando: it's about time fr (max i didnt know they were official pls don't yell at me)

ynverstappen: hehehehe yes 🤯

maxverstappen1: lando .... what did you know tho? 🤨

lando: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant tell you

georgerussell63: lando mate be careful

user21: y/n being with a mercedes man is killing me but if max can let it go... so can i

georgerussell63 has made a post

liked by ynverstappen, charlesleclerc, lando, kimi.antonelli, lewishamilton, verstappencom, mercedesamgf1, and 999,898 others

georgerussell63: some things are worth the risk. thanks for a great weekend and all of the support at the track! see you all again next sunday

view all comments

user9: this is so sweet i love this 🥹

lewishamilton: brave man!

georgerussell63: yes sir!

user55: something about this feels so right 😭

charlesleclerc: let me catch an invite to the next family dinner merci

ynverstappen: only if you bring leo

charlesleclerc: done

user7: y/n is literally glowing. you can like feel her happiness through the screen

ynverstappen: your tenacity, talent and commitment continue to amaze me george. i'm so beyond grateful to share this life with you 🤍

georgerussell63: crikey this is going to make me cry. i am so lucky to have someone like you in my corner 🩵

user44: y/n and george's mom both hugging him... i am certainly not tearing up rn

maxverstappen1: be good to her (this is a threat)

georgerussell63: i will be mate dont worry

user99: i have no one to talk to about this! this is everything!

ﾟ. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ﾟ

a/n: thanks for reading!! likes, feedback and reblogs are always appreciated

ﾟ. ✿ ୨❤︎୧⠀✿ . ﾟ

disclaimer: pictures are not mine and everything i write is fiction

1K notes · View notes

worstgenerationloser · 3 months ago

Note

Could you please do ace, shanks and benn defending their f s/o from a misogynistic man? I had to face one at work and he gave me the absolute ICK

,, Rushing to your aid! ''

Ace, Shanks, and Beckman x F! Reader.

Summary... how would your boyfriend defend you from a misogynistic man?

Contains... misogyny, mentions of harassment, depictions of bloody violence, and some slight fluff!

A/N: IM SORRY YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT ANON💕 I hope since you sent in this ask the men have left you alone! If not I'll ward them away myself!! 🤺🤺

Portgas D. Ace

Ace doesn't register it completely, so at first he's confused on why this man is talking to you as if you were a baby (mostly because he's a dumbass)

Now, even if he wasn't aware the man was being misogynistic at first, he's still rushing towards you because there's literally a weird man talking to you the way you would to a little kid, and you definitely looked angry enough to tear off his head.

"Woah, what's happening here?" Instinctively and natural as breathing, his arm slips around your shoulders and his fingers move to gently graze your arm in an attempt to console you.

He doesn't like showing his temper much, but when people precious to him are involved, his angry heart bursts into flames. When the man speaks, his jaw drops out of pure disbelief. According to him, he was mansplaining how pirates operate to you. Which is weird, because Ace knows that you're definitely well versed in pirates... Considering you're his girlfriend.

He wanted to diffuse the situation, but it seems like this random needed a reality check.

"Hm... Good to know, but I'm sure it's irrelevant to her." His smile is wide and joyous, but the ominous shadow looming over his face is anything but.

"But she's clueless!", the man rambles on and bumbles about like a headless chicken, before he turns back to get one good look at Ace. Then it clicks in his pea-sized brain that maybe you know a bit more about pirates than him.

Ace looks a little scary when he's mad, you discover . But mostly cute.

"My girlfriend doesn't need to explain her knowledge to some random asshole who couldn't make a lasting impact on her life if he tried, you're way below her, buddy."

With gritted teeth, Ace tries to not light fire to the whole town, but only you seem to notice his body is literally smoking hot.

According to Ace, the guy ran a little too slow, and that's how he ended up naked covered in burn marks! The marines didn't believe him, though, and you two were left to flee.

"Can you believe the balls on that guy? It's not like you're unknown, either. Portgas D. Ace's kickass girlfriend! It's got a nice ring to it, eh?"

He nudges you a little too hard and sends you flying into a bush, but you appreciate the cute moments with him no matter how brief.

Red-Haired Shanks

Shanks learned many things during his time in the Roger Pirates, but one thing really stuck with him throughout the years. He can tolerate being spat on and kicked around, if his crew sees it as a threat then he's not gonna stop them from doing whatever it is they're planning, but he's not gonna ask them to go out of their way to deal with it.

But when someone disrespects his crew, and especially you?

Oh, he's pissed.

You think he doesn't realize at first, but he's keeping a very close eye on you two. He tries to keep his ass planted firmly into his chair per Beckman's request. Beckman is the mature one, and he's almost never wrong in the astute observations he makes. Despite this, Shanks has no self control and he's lobbing himself towards the bar where you sit.

Beckman shakes his head disapprovingly at his captain, because unlike him, Beck knows you can handle yourself.

The man in question harassing you seems to be a small time criminal with a bounty of 50,000... That doesn't deter Shanks, it might have egged him on even more because who does he think he is harassing you?

By the time Shanks has made his way to you, your harasser seems to have taken it upon himself to demean you for your appearance, pulling out all the classics like "bitch" "whore" , and "slut" to name a few. Shanks, of course, finds absolutely no amusement in this. I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

Your harasser tries to argue and degrade you a little more when Shanks steps up, not realizing how silent the bar has suddenly become. He didn't even realize the hundreds of eyes disappearing from him, not wanting to watch things unfold.

"You're drunk, I'll give you that one." Shanks barks out a laugh like he finds it funny, but up close you can see that gleam in his eyes.

Well... it's not like you could stop him anyways.

But you really wish he left the bar standing, at least. It certainly isn't doing good for his reputation as an emperor of the seas.

When Beckman scolds him as if he were a child on deck, he laughs like he'll forget about it in a day or two. But everyone knows Shanks will be doing it all over again in a heartbeat. He holds you extra close that night, trying to make sure your heart isn't tainted by the venomous words spat.

"I don't want anybody, big name or small, disrespecting people I hold dear to me."

His words are sweet while he whispers to you in bed... he's an odd man, but he's yours.

Benn Beckman

Two words. Broken. Bones.

Beckman does not play around with his girl, at all. He'll bash in heads day and night if someone even looks at you the wrong way, but he restrains himself because he's not a jealous young man anymore, so he likes to think.

Regarding everything else, he's cool as a cucumber, he prefers to let things wash over by themselves and only offers advice if he senses things will go astray. (as previously mentioned)

You're his girl, and a damn beautiful one, so he isn't surprised when some people try and scope you out, the same happens to him with many women, so why be so hypocritical about it? His heart is locked inside of yours for the rest of his life whether you want him or not, so he knows you won't run off with another no matter how much Shanks jokes about it.

If they're a little persistent, he might walk up to you and give you a few kisses so they get the message. But this man was definitely not "a little persistent."

Beck doesn't have a second to think of what he should do when he hears the utterances of vile comments slip from this man's mouth after you turned him down, because he's already right next to you quicker than his own head can wrap around. He's big, tall and scary, enough so to make someone shake with just a look.

"A grown man like yourself should know that ain't no way to talk to a lady." His voice is low, and he's talking nice and slow for your harassers ears only.

Beck heard it all, him hitting on you in an unceremonious way, all the way to demeaning you when you rejected him, spouting the same chewed up rhetoric that is "women are only good for bearing children" and whatnot. He can't let that pass no matter how capable you may be of handling it yourself.

"And what are you gonna do about it?" The man's words were proven to be a bad move before his lips could rest against eachother.

Following that, there was quite a sight. Somehow Beckman managed to twist the poor guy into some kind of abstract form of art, all bloody and fucked up with no more teeth left.

And of course he ushered you away after wiping his hands clean enough for you, because he's a gentleman, he didn't do it for himself, it was for you!

"M'sorry you had to see that, sugar." His whispers fill your head while he has you resting your head on his chest hours later, a few giggles coming from outside your bedroom door. Guess who?

"You know I won't let nobody disrespect you like that. You aren't mad, are you baby?" Beckman is a real sweet talker, so it's not like you could be even if you tried.

Plus, he looks super hot fighting.

END.

Likes and Reblogs are appreciated! ❤️If possible, leave a comment too!

#shanks x reader #akagami no shanks x reader #portgas d ace x reader #red haired shanks x reader #benn beckman x reader #portgas ace x reader #shanks x y/n #portgas ace x y/n #portgas ace x you #shanks x you #one piece x y/n #one piece x you #one piece x reader #one piece imagines #xochitlwrites #benn beckman x female reader

1K notes · View notes

incognit0slut · 1 year ago

Text

Stress Relief

You convince your husband to take out his anger on you when he comes home very tense.

Warnings: (18+ MDNI) dom!spencer, sub!reader, oral (f), reader in handcuffs so light bondage?, choking, unprotected penetrative sex, multiple orgasms, aftercare and domestic bliss because he’s still our beloved spencer

Words: 5k for 5k milestone celebration! TYSM ILY💘💘

A/n: I combined two requests asking for him to get all angry/frustrated because an unsub had a particular thing for winding him up (from anon 1) so he needs some kind of smutty release (from anon 2). You know who you are.

You could tell something was off.

A sense of unease settled in the pit of your stomach as the front door creaked open, and instead of the usual lively greeting from your husband, you were met with silence. It was as though he was physically there and yet you could sense his absence in the air.

"Spence?" You called out, stepping out of the kitchen. When there was no response, you tried again. "Baby, are you okay?"

Your feet guided you down the hallway where you found him standing by the door with his back facing you. Even from behind, you could sense the foul mood he was in. His shoulders seemed more tense than usual, his hair slightly disheveled, and there was an edge to his movements as he closed the door with a loud thud.

"Babe?"

His response was brief, his gaze flickering towards you before quickly darting away, almost as if he were intentionally avoiding your eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey?" you echoed. "That's all I'm getting?"

When his eyes met yours again, you could practically feel the tension radiating from him. It was clear that he was angry, his usual calm demeanor seemed to be replaced by a subtle but palpable edge. There was a tightness in his jaw, a clenched fist by his side, and his usually warm gaze now held a hint of sharpness.

Only one thought crossed your mind whenever he came home like this.

"Bad day at work?"

He slowly nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head.

"Do you want a hug?"

He hesitated momentarily, his brows furrowing slightly as if debating whether to accept your offer. Then, without a word, he closed the distance between you. His arms enveloped you, pulling you close as he buried his head in the crook of your neck. Your hand instinctively found its way to his hair, fingers gently running through the soft strands.

"Oh, honey, you're so tense," you noted as your other hand trailed along his shoulder. "Is there anything I can help with? A massage? A nice warm bath maybe?"

You felt him shake his head against you, but you persisted, wanting to offer him comfort in any way you could. When your hand smoothed down his back, his hold on you tightened. When your fingers brushed the nape of his neck, you felt his warm breath caress your skin.

Then it happened—soft lips brushed against the spot under your ear, tentative at first, before growing more urgent. It wasn't the tender, affectionate kisses you were used to, but a different kind of intimacy that felt almost desperate. His lips nibbled and sucked gently at your skin and it became clear to you what he wanted.

"You want another kind of release, baby? Is that what you want?"

His lips momentarily paused against your neck, his arms loosening their grip around you before he rested his hands on your hips. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because—” he stopped, his grip on your body tightening. “Because I don't feel like myself right now."

You grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him away just enough to see his face. "What makes you say that?"

Spencer held your gaze. How could he explain to you that he was on the verge of acting out his frustration? That he was so close to losing control?

He knew how difficult he could be when anger took hold of him. In his younger days, he wouldn't hesitate to fire off sassy remarks and snarky comments, letting his emotions dictate his behavior. However, as he matured, he learned better to hide those emotions behind a composed facade.

But tonight felt different. Despite his best attempts to maintain his control, he could feel his anger slipping away, and it was unfair to burden you with it. Especially when you were offering yourself to him, so sweet and so pretty, when he knew love wasn't exactly what he could offer you right now.

So he decided to release you, his grip loosening as he stepped back.

"Forget it," he muttered under his breath before turning towards your shared bedroom. Your brow furrowed as he walked away, leaving you standing there with your mouth slightly agape, bewildered by his sudden withdrawal.

"Spencer Reid," you called after him, your voice laced with a hint of irritation as you followed him. "I wasn't done talking to you."

He paused, his hand halfway to his tie before he loosened it with a sharp tug. You leaned against the bedroom doorway, crossing your arms as you continued to study him. His lack of response only fueled your growing annoyance, but you knew better than to escalate the situation into a fight.

Taking a deep breath to calm yourself, you spoke up, your voice steady but tinged with frustration. "Honey, I can't help you if you're acting this way."

"What makes you think I need help?"

"The way you're wrestling with your tie gives it away," you replied, your words laced with a hint of sarcasm.

He shot you a pointed look, clearly unimpressed by your remark. "I don't need your help."

Your frown deepened. "Seriously? You're just going to shut me out like this?"

"I'm not shutting you out," he countered, moving around the room. "I just need some space."

"Well you're doing a pretty damn good job of it," you shot back, your patience wearing thin as you pushed yourself off the doorway. His jaw clenched, but he remained silent, his actions focused on undoing the button on his wrist now. You scoffed at his lack of response again.

"Oh, so now you're giving me the silent treatment?" When it seemed evident he was trying to ignore you, you pressed on. "Fine, keep your silence, let me do the talking."

His eyes flickered momentarily at you before he turned around, undoing the button of his shirt. You watched him quietly as he continued to avoid your gaze.

"Spencer," you began, your voice softer now. "I know your job can be hard, and I know you're going through a lot right now, but shutting me out won't make it any easier."

“I've already told you, I'm not trying to shut you out."

"Then what are you doing?" you pressed. "I tried offering you help when you didn't want to talk about it. And the one thing I can help you with, the one thing I'm sure will help you relax, you refused."

You let out a frustrated sigh, hating how much your voice wavered now.

"Spence... you—you didn't even want to have sex with me."

His shoulders stiffened at your words, finally turning to face you. "You think I don't want to have sex with you?"

You swallowed hard, feeling a knot form in your throat. "I don't know what to think anymore," you admitted. "You're giving me the cold shoulder, it’s hard not to take it personally."

The room seemed to close in around you, suffocating in its silence. Then, you watched as he began to walk towards you. One step. Two steps. Until his presence loomed over you, casting a shadow that suddenly made you feel small and vulnerable.

"I'm refusing to have sex with you right now not because I don't want to," he said, his voice dangerously low. "I'm refusing because I'm trying to protect you."

You frowned, confusion furrowing your brow. "Protect me from what?"

There was a moment of silence before he replied, “From myself."

You felt a knot tightening in your stomach, goosebumps forming on your skin as you struggled to comprehend what he was trying to say.

“I… I don't understand."

"I don't want to risk it. I'm afraid that if we... if we cross that line, I might hurt you."

"Spencer," you whispered in disbelief, as if his words were the most absurd thing you'd ever heard. "You would never hurt me."

He shook his head. "You wouldn't be so sure if you knew half of the thought in my head right now."

You faltered for a moment, taken aback by his words. Then your gaze involuntarily flickered down his body, tracing the lines of his open shirt and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Your breath caught in your throat as your gaze moved lower, taking in the way his pants hung low on his hips, and the trail of soft hair leading downwards.

You swallowed hard.

"Tell me then," you challenged, your voice trembling slightly as you met his gaze again. "Tell me how you'd hurt me."

He studied you, assessing, calculating. "You won't like it," he warned.

"And what if I do?"

His eyes narrowed slightly, a hint of surprise flashing across his features. "You don't know what you're asking for."

"I know what I want."

He regarded you for a long moment, weighing your words carefully. Finally, he stepped closer, his breath warm against your skin as he whispered, "You really want to know what I'd like to do to you?"

You held his gaze. "Yes," you replied. "Tell me."

His lips curved into a faint, almost rueful smile. With a slow, deliberate movement, he reached out and traced a finger along the curve of your jaw. "I want to use you," he murmured. "I want to feel you, to taste you. I want to make you scream."

You could feel the heat traveling through your body, a heady mixture of desire and anticipation flooding your senses. You reached out, fingers trembling as they brushed against his chest, feeling the heat radiating from his skin.

"I want to control you," he continued, his gaze darkening. "I want to tie you up leave you bruises, mark your skin. I want you helpless, begging for mercy."

He tilted your chin up, his eyes locking with yours.

"I want to see how far you'll go for me."

Your breath caught in your throat as you drank in his words, and you couldn't deny the heat spreading between your legs. "And what if I want that too?"

A tense silence settled between you. Then slowly, almost as if testing the waters, he wrapped his fingers around your throat, simply holding you there. "You don't mean that."

"Try me," you dared, holding his gaze. "Put your hand between my thighs and see just how much I mean it."

His grip around your throat tightened ever so slightly while his other hand hovered at the waistband of your cotton pants. You felt a jolt of anticipation as he slipped his hand inside, your breath hitching as the pad of his calloused fingers dipped inside your panties.

A soft hum of approval escaped his lips when the slickness of your arousal coated his skin.

"Would you look at that? Barely even touched you and you're already this wet?" A low gasp fell between your lips as he found your clit. "You really want this, don't you?"

You could only manage a whimper in response, your breath coming in ragged gasps.

"Tell me," he insisted, his breath hot against your skin. "Do you want me to stop?"

Your heart pounded in your chest as you struggled to find your voice. "No," you finally managed to gasp.

With deliberate slowness, he trailed his fingertips lower, teasingly circling your entrance. He started with gentle strokes, keeping his fingers only on the outer side as you tried to bite back a moan that threatened to slip out.

“You dirty girl,” he muttered, and you feel yourself getting wetter as his finger continued to touch you teasingly. Then slowly, the grip on your throat loosened before his hand moved to cup your cheek.

“I need you to be sure," he whispered, "Because once we cross that line, there's no going back."

Your eyelids dropped lower as you chewed on your bottom lip, feeling the weight of his desire hanging in the air. It was a heady mix of uncertainty and anticipation, but one thing was clear—you wanted him.

You wanted him to use your body.

“Use me however you like,” you confessed. "I-I’m all yours.”

His lips were on yours in an instant. There was no mercy in his kiss, only raw desire and urgency. He kissed you as if he needed to breathe in your air, his lips moving desperately against yours, his tongue seeking entrance to taste you.

His hand then left your pants to cradle your face, holding you gently yet firmly as he explored every inch of your mouth, leaving you breathless and wanting more. Finally, he pulled away, his chest rising and falling heavily as he caught his breath.

He looked down at you, his gaze intense, and saw the dazed expression in your eyes. Your touch, taste, and scent clouded his vision as you trembled in his arms, the soft sounds of your labored breath sang in his ears.

Mine, mine, mine.

"Now listen to me," he said, his voice low and commanding. "I'm going to leave you for a while, and when I come back, I expect to see you lying on the bed naked with your legs spread apart."

You swallowed hard, eyes slightly going wide. You felt his hand gripping your jaw.

"Do I make myself clear?"

You quickly nodded. "Y-Yes."

His grip tightened momentarily before he released you, his gaze piercing as he held your eyes for a moment longer. Then, without another word, he turned and left the room.

With trembling hands, you began to undress, each piece of clothing dropping to the floor until you stood bare before the bed. The cool air prickled against your skin as you slowly climbed onto the bed.

You brought your feet onto the bed before spreading your knees apart. It felt weird, you had never felt so exposed and vulnerable, yet you couldn't deny the arousal pooling between your thighs. And then you heard him, his footsteps gradually coming closer and your heart pounded in your chest as you gripped onto the bed sheets.

His tall frame filled the doorway as he took in the sight before him, his eyes lingering between your legs. He watched your chest rise and fall, watched the way your legs fell apart even more as if you were offering yourself to him. Without a word, he approached the bed and stripped off his shirt.

Before you could catch your breath, he stood over the bed beside you. "Put your arms above your head."

You hesitated for a moment, feeling the weight of his gaze, but then slowly, almost instinctively, you complied, raising your arms above your head as instructed. You watched as he reached behind his back, and your heart raced as you glimpsed the glint of metal in his hand.

He didn't say a word as he reached for your wrists, securing them above your head with the cold metal of the handcuff, restraining you to the bed. The click of the cuffs echoed in the room before he stepped back, his eyes fixed on you with a predatory gleam as if he was admiring his handiwork.

Your pulse quickened as you lay there, exposed and at his mercy and you couldn't help but squirm under his gaze. He moved closer, his fingers trailing lightly along your skin, and you shivered, both from the chill of the metal and the warmth of his touch.

"You look so pretty like this," he murmured. "So helpless, yet so willing."

Your eyes followed his movement as his fingers moved to unbutton his pants. Then he was completely naked, and even though you had seen him like this countless times, the sight of his cock never failed to make your cunt clench in anticipation. He was thick and hard, with veins pulsing along its length and droplets of wetness glistening at the tip.

The bed sank under his weight as he positioned himself between your legs. You gasped when he leaned forward, the underside of his cock teasingly brushing against your wet folds as his lips met your collarbone. You bit down on your bottom lip as he kissed lower, stopping at your left breast, where he suckled on the supple skin just above your nipple.

His mouth latched onto your skin after taking a moment to try and keep himself from rushing into things. But he was a simple man. His lips worked precisely and diligently, and you watched as he left marks on your breasts, his teeth gently sinking into your flesh here and there, his warm saliva coating the faint markings.

The kisses left on your sensitive skin resulted in you whining for more. Spencer felt a rush of satisfaction like no other, his touches growing more urgent with each sound that escaped your lips. His tongue glided over your plump breasts, teasing and tantalizing, until finally, his mouth enveloped your nipple.

You squealed, squirming underneath him, and he smiled against your skin, his lips forming a knowing smirk as he continued to suck while his thumb flicked the nipple he wasn't focusing on. There was no doubt you would be left with bruises tomorrow morning.

Your eyes drifted downward just as he looked up, his gaze meeting yours, and you couldn't help but whine when the tip of his tongue circled your nipple teasingly. You reached out, craving the sensation of your fingers in his hair, only to feel the metal of the handcuffs digging into your skin.

"It's torture, isn't it? Not being able to do anything," he taunted with a laugh, shifting his attention to your other nipple. "But I guess that's the fun part.”

You whimpered as he softly bit your sensitive bud, and your back arched off the bed in response. He leaned back, admiring the marks he'd left on your skin.

"God, look at you," he murmured as his gaze lingered on your flushed skin, the swell of your breasts rising and falling with each breath. "I could do this all night."

Slowly, he lowered himself back down, his lips tracing a path from your chest down to your stomach. You squirmed, anticipation coiling tightly in your belly as his warm breath ghosted lower. His hair tickled your legs, and he took the opportunity to turn his head slightly to the side, immediately pressing a hot open-mouthed kiss against your inner thigh.

You gasped as he sucked your skin into his mouth, teeth grazing over the flesh as if he was intent on marking every inch of your body. His lips continued to trail along your thighs but never quite reaching the place you craved him the most.

For someone with pent-up emotions, his movements were agonizingly slow. It was frustrating, the way he toyed with you, drawing out the anticipation until you couldn't bear it any longer.

"Please," you whimpered, the chains rattling softly against the headboard as you continued to squirm beneath him.

He paused, his hot breath fanning over your skin as he looked up at you. "Please what?"

"Pl-Please touch me."

He kissed over your mound as he hooked an arm under your leg. His other hand reached for the heat radiating between your thighs before two of his fingers brushed along your outer lips, dragging your arousal along your skin. "Like this?"

You groaned as he kept on teasing you, stroking you with featherlight touches. “More," you pleaded desperately, almost pathetically. "Please."

His fingers stretched your folds, his gaze fixed on the glistening wetness, on the way your cunt clenched around nothing. "You're so pretty, you know that?"

"Spence..." you breathed out, feeling his breath achingly close to your heat.

He didn't respond with words. Instead, he lowered his head, his breath hot against your flesh. The minute his tongue touched you, you were already a writhing, whimpering mess. Your head began spinning, nerves and pleasure swooping into one big fuzzy mess in your mind as his tongue teased up and down your slit.

"Oh my god," you whined the moment his mouth circled your clit before sucking on it, sending waves of pleasure along your body. And then, just as you thought you couldn't take it anymore, you felt his finger at your entrance, and without warning, he pushed in his digit, sending your head tilting back with a desperate gasp falling from your lips.

His groan reverberated against your skin as your walls clenched around him. He pushed his finger deeper, curling it inside of you as his tongue lapped at your dripping folds. With each movement, he pressed his face even further into you, relishing the sensation of your wetness coating his jaw.

Your eyes drifted downwards at the same time he looked up, locking gazes with him, and you let out the most filthy cry of pleasure. He held your gaze as his tongue quickened its pace, sucking your clit even harder as he added another finger inside you.

Your mouth gaped open as you felt the delicious stretch, and you couldn't help but buck your hips towards his face. Spencer always had a fixation on pleasuring you, but not like this—it was never like this. He seemed desperate, almost possessive, as if he couldn't get enough of your taste.

He continued his relentless assault, his fingers pumping inside you with a steady rhythm while his tongue worked tirelessly on your swollen clit. The squelching sound of his fingers thrusting in and out of your dripping walla was so lewd that it made his cock stir against the bed.

You could feel the tension coiling tighter and tighter within you, the heat spreading like wildfire through your veins. Before you knew it, your climax hit you hard, without warning, without mercy, and you were gasping his name over and over.

You shivered and trembled beneath him, tossing your head back even farther, squeezing your walls around his fingers and your legs around his head. But he didn't stop or even slow down. Instead, he pulled his fingers out of you, only to push your thighs apart even when your legs were shaking uncontrollably.

"Stop moving," he ordered as he leaned in, tasting you all over again. He didn't care that you were a complete mess, that you were still reeling in from your climax, that you were trying to move back away from him. All he cared about was giving you the best pleasure imaginable, and he was intent on seeing it through.

"Spence—” you gasped when his nose brushed your clit. “I-I can't—"

He gently held your fragile body in place to prevent you from running away from his mouth. "Hold still and give me another one."

How could you not relent when he treated you like this, so considerate yet so rough? You groaned, your eyes meeting the ceiling as you felt his mouth continue its relentless assault on your cunt. The sensation was overwhelming, yet despite your protests, you couldn't deny the building pressure.

Your muscles tensed. Your breathing hitched. You gasped for air. And just as the waves of pleasure threatened to consume you once more, you surrendered, letting out a pathetic cry as your body convulsed with the force of your climax.

His tongue lingered over your sensitive skin, savoring the taste of your release, before he finally withdrew, allowing you a moment to catch your breath. He then lifted his head, your juices glistening on his lips as he watched your heaving chest.

Spencer had never been so thankful for his eidetic memory. He took in the sight of your hands, bound above your head, the rise and fall of your chest as you panted, the tousled strands of hair framing your face. His gaze lingered on the way your legs willingly parted for him, your skin flushed and pussy swollen, all because of him.

It was a sight he wanted to etch into his memory forever.

You bit your bottom lip as his gaze lingered on you, feeling your body flush under his scrutiny. Then, as if something within him shifted, he reached for you, urging your body to turn until you were facing sideways, the chains rattling softly as you moved.

He settled behind you, and your heart quickened as you felt him grab your leg, lifting it in the air. With one hand gripping your thigh firmly, he positioned himself between your legs, his hard cock pressing against your slick folds.

You could feel the warmth of his body pressed against your back, his breath ghosting over your neck as he leaned in closer. With a deep, guttural moan, he eased himself into you, every inch of him sliding effortlessly into your wetness. You couldn't help but arch your back in response to the sensation of being filled so completely.

"Fuck," he murmured, the curse slipping past his lips in a breathy whisper. It sounded foreign coming from him and yet it only encouraged you more. You pushed your hips back into him, meeting his slow, deliberate thrusts.

"Needed this so much," he confessed, his breath coming out in ragged pants against the nape of your neck. "You have no idea how much I've wanted you like this for so long."

Your head fell back onto his chest, completely enveloped in him—the scent of his skin, the warmth of his touch, the rhythmic movement of his cock thrusting inside you.

"Thought it was wrong of me to take control of you," he muttered, his breath hot against your ear. "But you're enjoying this as much, aren't you?"

You whimpered, unable to form words as the pleasure consumed you and you felt him picking up his pace. The room was filled with lewd noises of your wetness along with the sound of skin slapping against skin.

"You like being helpless like this? You like it when I fuck you while being cuffed to the bed?"

Your breath hitched at his words. His hand left your thigh, but only momentarily. The crack of sound pierced the air, followed by a surge of sensation coursing up your leg. The realization hit you like a bolt of lightning—he spanked you.

And you liked it.

"Answer. Me," he demanded, each word punctuated by the rhythm of his thrusts.

"Yes," you managed to gasp out. "I-I love being helpless."

He let out a sound of pleasure as he released your thigh, only to tease your clit with his fingers. You gasped, your head thrown back as he applied just the right amount of pressure, sending waves of pleasure through your body. You felt the intensity building, the familiar coil tightening in your stomach as he continued to pump into you, his fingers moving fast against your clit.

You tried to speak and warn him about your upcoming orgasm but you couldn't even think properly. The squelch of his cock driving into you roughly rang in your ears and with a sharp inhale, you felt the tension within you reach its peak. Your muscles tensed, your breath caught in your throat, and then, with an explosive release, you cried out his name.

He groaned as he felt you pulsating around him, your walls gripping him tightly. He continued to move within you, riding out your orgasm as his thrusts grew harder, more urgent until he couldn't hold back any longer.

"I need to see you," he breathed as he pulled out of you. Then he flipped you onto your back, guiding one of your legs over his shoulder as he settled between your thighs once more. The change in position brought you closer, the heat of your bodies mingling as you met his gaze.

Without a word, he pushed himself back into you, the slick heat of your cunt enveloping him. You watched him through half-lidded eyes, feeling your body growing sticky, every inch of you glistening with sweat, but his gaze remained fixated on you, unwavering and intense.

"So pretty," he murmured, his hand finding your face and cupping your cheek, absorbing your features in the dim lighting of the room. "My beautiful wife."

You whimpered as he dragged his hand down your skin, thumb brushing over your lips as he felt your hot breath on his fingertip. He watched your eyes switch between widening and fluttering half shut while he began pumping into you.

Spencer couldn't keep his eyes off of you as you took his cock eagerly, your breasts bouncing each time he thrust forward, your mouth hanging open with your tongue slipping out of your mouth. A whine followed through as his hand moved down to your neck, practically holding you in place as his hips collided against your own.

He gave a slight pressure around your throat, and your head began to loll against the mattress, chin pointed in the air in pleasure. The squeezing sensation was now beginning to take over your body, spreading from across your cheeks, to your ears, and up to your eyes, tears pooling right at the corner. The feeling even reached your stomach, tightening and coiling with the signal of your impending orgasm.

Was this your fourth orgasm? Your fifth? You couldn't keep track; all you knew was the overwhelming sensation prickling your skin. The bed below you felt as if it was on fire. The metal digging around your wrist burned with absolute pleasure.

His thrusts grew more intense, each movement raw and unrestrained, as if he was pouring all his pent-up emotions into you. He seemed to lose himself in the moment, his grip on your neck firm but not painful, but it was enough to make you gasp, your body trembling with pleasure, eyes rolling at the back of your head.

You were instantly gone.

A filthy cry fell between your lips as another orgasm crashed over you, more intense than the last. At some point you were gasping for air, feeling your body going limp but he didn’t stop. His hips had a mind of their own. You could feel them beginning to move like they were possessed, with no regard for your pleasure, and in a way, no regard for his.

“Oh god—fuck!” You cried, arching your back as much in this position.

He groaned and leaned in, his arms pressing against the bed on either side of you as he pushed your leg up to your shoulder. He tried to kiss you, but the force of his movements made it hard. Instead, his lips hovered just above yours, both of you breathing heavily and moaning into each other's mouths.

Eyelids drooped a bit too low as your mouth went completely ajar, exhaling weakly. It didn’t take long for another wave of pleasure to rush through your body. You convulsed beneath him, thighs quivering violently as you tried to angle your body away from him, the pleasure almost unbearable now.

Through the haze of your orgasm, you caught a glimpse of him throwing back his head with his eyes screwed shut. Then he finally groaned—his movements slowing, breath sputtering from his lungs as he exploded, pumping once, twice, three times all before coming to a halt, cock twitching inside you.

You watched the sweat bead down his forehead as you both worked silently to relax your bodies, pulses pounding in ruthless rhythm. With a deep, contented sigh he finally slid himself out of you before going through his discarded pants on the floor.

After a moment, he returned to you and unlocked the handcuff from your wrist, the sound of the lock clicking echoing in the room. The chains fell onto the bed with a soft thud as he gently took hold of your hands.

“Are you okay?"

You nodded, offering him a reassuring smile. "I'm okay."

He pressed a tender kiss to both of your wrists, his lips lingering over your pulse for a moment. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked anxiously, his eyes raking over your body. "Was I too rough? Did I—""

"Spencer, relax," you whispered, you took his hand in yours. "I'm good. I promise."

"You sure?" he asked, his face still tight with concern.

"Yes, more than good. Just come cuddle with me?"

He hesitated, his eyes scanning over your body for a few seconds longer. After he seemed satisfied you really were okay, he lowered onto the bed beside you and you drew his head to your chest. Your fingers gently played with his hair, watching as he slowly relaxed into you, throwing one of his arms across your stomach.

"Thank you," he whispered. "I... I think I needed that."

Your attention shifted to his face, happy to see his expression finally somewhat peaceful as he lay just above your breasts. His eyes were closed, the tension you'd noticed on his face when he'd arrived entirely gone now.

Gently running your fingers through his hair, you whispered, "Of course, baby. Anytime you need me, I'm here."

His lips curved into a small, contented smile as he nestled closer to you. "I love you."

A surge of warmth filled your chest at his words. "I love you too," you whispered back. "But are you okay? Do you want to talk about what happened at work?"

You felt him shift as he shook his head. "Maybe later. I just want to hold you right now."

You gently kissed the crown of his head before pulling him closer. Spencer sighed happily as he snuggled closer to you, listening to the steady rhythm of your heartbeat against your chest. He then reached over your breasts, his thumb trailing over the marks he had left on your skin.

"I didn't realize you enjoyed that so much."

You shrugged the shoulder beside his head. "It's hard not to. I mean, I think I've always liked it when you're in control, and that doesn't only apply to sex."

He leaned back to look at you. "Really?"

You nodded, a small smile playing on your lips. "Yeah. Remember the first time we started dating and someone broke into my apartment?"

"How could I forget?" he replied, a frown tugging at his brows as he recalled the memory. “That was one of the scariest moments in my life.”

"Right. You thought some serial killer was targeting me when it was just a random robbery. But the way you handled the situation..." you continued, your voice softening. "When you took charge and made sure I was safe, I realized how much I trusted you. And I remember thinking, 'Damn, my boyfriend's pretty cool.'"

His frown melted away, replaced by a warm smile at your words. "You thought I was cool?"

You chuckled, nodding as you met his gaze. "You're cool, smart, and hot at the same time," you teased. "What I'm trying to say is, I like it when you're in control because I like to depend on you. You make me feel safe and cared for."

His expression softened even further, a tender warmth filling his eyes. "I like it when you depend on me too," he confessed softly. With a gentle tug, he sat up, bringing you along. "Come on then, let me care for you now."

You looked up at him. "Yeah? What do you have in mind?"

"I think we both need that nice warm bath."

You smiled, already feeling the tension in your muscles ease at the thought of a soothing bath with him. "Will you wash my hair too?"

He pushed a strand of hair off your face, his heart swelling with affection at the look in your eyes. How could he resist when you looked at him like he hung up the moon for you?

"Of course," he replied without hesitation. "I'll do whatever you want me to do."

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid drabble #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #gifwriting #spencer reid x reader smut #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x y/n

6K notes · View notes

lilangeldeath · 26 days ago

Text

Things I have successfully manifested into 3D

you can believe me or not. i really don't care. i'm in my idgaf era bc when you care too much about what others think, your manifestations will fail because you're giving your power away. that's my personal belief. i will put what came in the 3D and then an example of the desire i persisted in parentheses next to it. these are from various time periods, but all have happened within the past 2-2.5 years once i started actually getting the hang of it all.

four of my friends ("i have mature, caring, loving friends that love me for who i am")

three no contact friends that had drifted out of my life, not from animosity but i missed them (same affirmation + "[insert names] are my close friends and we are always talking" + "[insert names] and i have such a deep connection as friends")

exposing people in my life who were bad for me in some way: trying to use me, manipulate me, lie to me, or just were bad people in the sense that they were toxic and bad for my life because even if they were nice to me, the way they lived their lives were toxic immature messes ("all secrets and lies are instantly exposed to me, no one can hide anything from me, i always know. all manipulators and toxic people are instantly exposed to me for what they are")

job interviews ("every company wants to interview me, they fight over me, they all want me to work for them")

escaping my abusive ex ("i have a safe place to live where my ex cannot bother me any more. i am permanently free of my ex for the rest of my life and now it's my time to shine")

keeping my job when i should have been fired multiple times for attendance, about 5 or 6 times, i had a period of time where i kept repeatedly getting seriously ill, people were passing away, other major life changes and impacts etc it was like the biblical plagues fr and at that time, the company i worked for did not care when those types of things happened to others and would give them the boot in ways that were really messed up ("the people at my job genuinely care about me, want me there, and they know i'm not lying about my life circumstances and will let me get away with whatever i need to in order to heal, rest, and come back to work")

a glow up that changed me from medium pretty/medium noticed to having people in my 3D rave about my beauty and personality ("i am so alluring and beautiful. i am so interesting. i am so magnetic and charismatic. people love looking at me and talking to me. people find me so intriguing and mesmerizing. my beauty sticks in peoples minds like a work of art")

here's my thoughts on how i did this and what i learned about manifestation through the hard and good times:

i really had to dig deep into my self concept and get out of a lack mentality. the lack mentality, fear, and anger led me down a path of things getting worse and worse. my old self was very obsessed with spending a lot of time angry about how hard i was trying both in the 3D and 4D yet things were only getting worse. i had convinced myself back then that there was no point in doing anything other than the absolute bare minimum to stay alive, and that oftentimes there wasn't any point to doing that either.

i feel like i went through a trial by fire, tested again and again to see how strong my faith was, being tested by my own self. i had to find a way to understand my 3D and 4D from my own perspective, as the whole "you cause everything in your 3D, you bring everything upon yourself" was the most annoying mentality i kept seeing when trying to learn about manifestation, as i think it's a chronically online and privileged point of view for out-of-touch people who have never experienced things like systemic poverty, sexism, racism, SA, abuse and more. i was tired of seeing egotistical and narcissistic manifestation content creators go on and on about how everyone is them, and how everything revolves around what they think is the right way to do things. the constant solipsism of victim blaming and lack of empathy for others. there is no right way. that is why i always say something is MY personal belief, not the standard or the rules.

yes i'm aware i keep talking shit on here. and i'm doing so because the vast majority of manifestation content had me so in a tizzy with how hypocritical and contradictory it was that it made me go nuts just trying to follow along. i'm not the type of person that can go along with woowoo shit that makes no logical sense. that's just not me. i am deeply spiritual but also deeply scientific. i believe manifestation, creation, whatever you want to call it, has to do with quantum physics and quantum entanglement, but that's for another post.

you really can create anything you want in your 3D as long as you make it be in a way that makes sense to YOU. for example, i personally choose not to manifest money in ways that seem over the top to me. i grew up in poverty and so affirming things like "i'm so rich, i'm a millionaire, i'm one of the wealthiest people in the world" was so annoying to me because i'm an anti-capitalist and i'd rather spend my time manifesting jobs and opportunities than try to convince myself that i'm a millionaire when i think rich people are inherently evil by nature, because through capitalism the only way you can get rich is by exploiting the less fortunate. that's an example of how i see things.

i don't dislike goddard's work, and i do truly find some of his work very useful and enlightening, i just wish so many people would stop trying to treat him like a cult leader or messiah. he didn't invent manifestation or the law of assumption. these things have been present in every single religion since the beginning of time. it's just new age rebranding of ancient cultures across the world. it's taking a bunch of different cultures and cherry picking them and putting them together to make money. it's like saying L Ron Hubbard invented the idea of reincarnation and that Gerald Gardener invented witchcraft. not saying that everyone who likes/follows the teachings of goddard do this, but from what i've seen in my personal life, many do. the power doesn't come from goddard, it comes from you. and you would have figured out that power anyways even if you never read goddard. we have been manifesting/creating since time immemorial and it's how our species evolved in general. that's my personal opinion. like i said, i find some of goddard's work very helpful and strongly resonates with me, but i think too many newbies get caught up in him like a cult leader and don't truly have any faith in themselves.

my issue in my old self was that i had no faith in myself OR in anyone else. i got tired of doing vaunts, scripting, void state, shifting, writing things down 99 times backwards and forwards, all those other things. it just got annoying and felt like i was being a psycho like jack on the shining writing "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy" over and over. it was just turning into madness instead of me facing what my real problems back then were. and i see a lot of that on here and other sites. you have to be able to get over yourself and grow up. i learned that the hard way, and i'm being harsh in some of what i'm saying to hopefully "break the glass" of illusion on anyone who may be struggling with the same things i did. i am no point of authority or leader of any kind, i just want to share how i think and what worked for me.

i am going to be posting some affirmations and tips that have to do with wavering, persistence, 3D vs 4D etc. and I honestly don't like to use a lot of the buzzwords but what I call these things is very private to me and it will be easier for others to read and understand if i just use the buzzwords. thanks xoxoxo

904 notes · View notes

pisceantarot · 2 months ago

Text

⋆ ｡ 𐀔 ° ‧ what does this person want you to know?

KEYWORDS: romance, relationships, (past) situationships, seperation, energy check between you and your person of romantic interest.

ꕤ * ． pile one. → ꕤ * ． pile two. → ꕤ * ． pile three.

relax your body, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. ask yourself: "which pile has a message for me today?" when you open your eyes, what image did your eyes fall on? what image do you feel most drawn to energetically? that's your pile!

this reading is timeless! it will cross your path whenever it's meant to find you 🍀 while my main intention was to channel someone you're already involved with, you can also use this for your sp, a future partner, a soulmate, or whoever you're thinking about!!

PILE # 01

your person is a true yearner, i'll tell you this much. their heart is very fragile, they want you to know they're scared of getting hurt, of being betrayed. this is a person who didn't have many healthy relationships in the past. they're confused, unsure what to do, and just wishes to avoid it all right now.

they're very much fantasising about a future with you, though... they want it all with you, they loooove your laugh. (i'm seeing that maybe they want to travel with you? explore the world together is what i heard.) with you on their side, they feel invincible. they really want you on their team. when this person has been processing their emotions healthily, i see that they're very attentive, unafraid of showing a passionate desire towards you, and generally very caring and loving. they appreciate you so much, you're the brightest star in their existence.

however, if this person isn't standing strong in their emotions, i see them being very hot and cold. when you're together, everything feels right. you feel secure, you feel like there's something there. but when you're apart i see that you're very confused by the energy of your relationship. your mind appears to be your biggest enemy: do they like me? am i good enough for them? is this something that could work out? (i see that this is you picking up on the energy of your person... their confusion and doubts are making you doubtful as well.)

what i'm hearing is that you need to focus on your own healing and stability, so you can help this person heal energetically as well. this is a connection that's mostly guided by the divine. (currently there's a lot happening behind the scenes that you aren't even aware of.) you're meant to heal and complete certain cycles with this person for sure, this is not the end of the connection. so have faith, and trust that everything will align!!

a letter from your person: do you think about me too? i can't get you out of my head, no matter how much i try. you're always there. it frustrates me, how easy it would be for you to secure a spot inside of my heart. how well we could work together if i let my guard down. i'm scared, though. scared of hurting you, scared of hurting myself, scared of failing. what if i have something so beautiful with you and then ruin it by my fears and self sabotaging tendencies? i don't know why you still stick around, but i'm trying to be a better person. please call me out on my bullshit, i need you to be firm and stand your ground. don't take shit from me, i know i need to step up. i care for you, i'm trying to put my ego aside.

PILE # 02

god help my soul, i'm sensing a very intense and determined energy coming from your person 😭 this is definitely giving me the energy of an ex, or a situationship that was meant to take off but somehow didn't (i see this being your person's fault, for sure). this person absolutely regrets losing you. they're the reason things aren't moving forward. they blame themselves, they're angry and devastated. they wish they could've done things differently.

in the most favourable outcome, i see this person working on healing themselves. they're going through an ego death/dark night of the soul and are questioning everything and everyone around them. in this reflection i see them wanting to become a better person (for you), if you're willing to give them a chance. they want to love you right, they want to show you how much you mean to them... i see them wanting to swoop in and steal you away so you can ride into the sunset together!!

if this person refuses to face their demons, however, i see that spirit is going to give them a very difficult time unfortunately</3 they will hit them with the same harsh lessons over and over again until they finally see the light. in this case i see spirit keeping this connection in a separation (or limbo) in order to protect you. you can't heal this person right now... if they open their eyes, if they're able to see... they would understand what you truly mean to them. what a treasure they had in front of them. they will get there, though. it might take some time, i'm hearing.

depending on your situation with this person, only take them back if you can see that they've changed!! you know this is the case when they come back and show humble energy, that they're able to admit that they were wrong. i see, for some of you, they truly fucked up. so please use your discernment! losing you has been their biggest regret, though, and they will be carrying this guilt for a very long time...

a letter from your person: i'm going to win you back. i'll return to you and prove that i can be the person you need me to be. i'm sorry for hurting you in the past, i'm sorry for making you feel like you weren't good enough. apologies won't cut it, i know things need to change. i'm working on facing my demons. you were right, you made me realise i need to heal. i hope you still will be there when i come back... do you have someone new? are you willing to forgive me? i messed up, and losing you will be the biggest regret of my life.

PILE # 03

this is such a sweet and gentle energy, i just want to squish their cheeks<33 i see many different scenarios for you two. you could be dating, this could be a secret admirer, this could be your friend... this person feels very hesitant to me. i feel like they often have a poker face or wear a mask. i sense that you might pick up that they're hiding something from you/aren't being 100% authentic. don't be afraid, they aren't hiding anything malicious! if anything, i see they're hiding the depth of their emotions for you. they fear coming off too strong, they fear scaring you away. if you're in a relationship together, i see them wanting to take the next step... (making things official, living together, an engagement maybe? 🤭) they want to move things forward in a fruitful way, they want to give you all the love in the world. they're sooooo gentle with you, this makes my heart want to burst with love. they have such good intentions with you and they want to make you happy for as long as you'll have them<3

i don't feel any negative energies for this pile</3 literally, the worst case scenario here is that your person is a bit hesitant and reluctant to show the depths of their true feelings for you. they fear rejection, they fear being judged by you. (i see this person really cares and values your opinion of them, so your rejection would hurt tbh.) they're mostly testing the waters right now, trying to figure out what you want and what you're ready for. this is a very considerate person! but again, their insecurities might stop them from taking any action right now.

you have such a special place in their heart, it's no joke. you must have such a beautiful and powerful energy because this person literally loves every. single. thing. about. you. they see you as their sun, their moon, their stars, their whole universe... you mean a lot to them. i think the depth of their emotions scares them as well, to be honest. but i see them being brave and facing this head on. they want you, they know they want you, so i see them making a very significant move in the very near future.

please, my pile 3, be gentle with their heart<3 their energy is so pure and wholesome, they could be such a bright light in your darkness! i'm hearing that, if you aren't sure of this person's intentions, know that it's safe to trust them. you'll be very pleasantly surprised with what's waiting for you if you open your heart!

a letter from your person: do you like me? you shine so bright, sometimes it's blinding me. you radiate so much warmth, you make me so happy. when i'm with you there's no other place i'd rather be. did you know this? i'm placing my heart in your hands, i surrender myself to you...

(i'm not getting much more from them because this person is a bit shy... but when i'm in their energy... their heart just glows thinking about you. i see shy smiles, unable to keep eye contact without blushing, i feel like sometimes they need to take breaks from you because you're so overwhelming. love love love this energy 🩷)

#pac #pick a pile #pick a card #tarot reading #free tarot reading #free reading #tarotblr #tarot community #intuitive reading #spiritual guidance #love reading #*mine

664 notes · View notes