#I'm so happy to have these resources
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My favourite pizza place doesn't sell individual slices of vegetarian options anymore. The journey down was nice, though.
#absolutely gutted#I only got to try it once and it was the best slice I've ever had#I asked how often they add cheese or vegetable and he was like No. :(#I'm so busy these days#therapy on friday badminton on saturday misc stuff today and then the hospital (maybe) tomorrow#access to free bus tickets is a game changer#both therapy and the lgbtq sports group give them out#I'm so happy to have these resources#mine
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i have this fic series i'm still working on where mihawk sort of becomes rayleigh's kid and spends ages 11-17ish on the oro jackson.
shanks and buggy imprint on him (bugs considers him a sort of older brother figure/sparring inspiration and shanks has a crush that eventually turns into full-blown love) and this is how i imagine they're like on the day mihawk sets off on his own haha.
#fic recs#dracule mihawk#akataka#mishanks#buggy#buggy the clown#shanks#akagami no shanks#red haired shanks#one piece#one piece fanart#op fanart#clearly my workaround to 'i should be working on my deadlines instead of doodling mishanks' is to finger-draw on my phone instead#on the plus side i'll never be tempted to go and fully render what was supposed to be a sketch#on the minus side i'm wondering if drawing with my finger takes up the same amount of time anyways.........#smh#anyways in this au i have this part planned where after shankd and buggy get into a fight over the chop chop#shanks comes crying to mihawk all devastated and annoyed and mihawk who is 16 and absolutely doesnt want to deal with a crying 12 year old#decides to fix things himself by showing buggy the pros of his devil fruit via forceful and incredibly harrowing sparring session LOL.#makes him see right away how much of a boon it is to never be able to get cut by a blade. it turns into an actually fun sesh#'cuz mihawk starts enjoying the challenge and the creativity and control and buggy starts wielding his knives in flying hands.#ends with mihawk berating him on how he treats his brother and how mihawk never wants to have to deal with shanks like that again#and also lowkey encouraging buggy by saying he's a resourceful kid and he's got people if he cant do things himself.#at this point in time shanks kind of wants mihawk to be his knight in shining armour so he's happy to hear what mihawk did#but mihawk is Fully Over bunking with two 12 year olds. ray please can he just set out on his own now. he's done it before. come on.#he is not a babysitter!!!!!!#tho these fics will focus mostly on hawk & ray jsyk#i digress
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually�� that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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Kinda funny how the fact that I don't have a lot of favorites boiled down to the fact that I was crushed by Atem's story and vowed to not get attached to other characters.
In other words, this little fictional character broke my heart so hard that I can't move on. That's how much he made an impact to my fandom life even 2 decades later.
#yugioh#yami yugi#atem#prideshipping#kuro's musings#there are times when i invest in another fandom#and I always think 'those characters are great' and I wanna draw them#but never make me wanna think of a whole fanfic/idea nor attach to them#Atem ruined that for me#Kaiba and I have one thing in common#we were both heart broken by Atem#the difference is Kaiba had the resources to go after him#and Atem only exist on ink and paper for me#perhaps why I ship Prideshipping is because in some level I can self-insert myself in Kaiba#a childhood dream that I can never have#I'm happy that DSOD is the true epilogue and not the main series ending#so thank you Mr.Takahashi#for giving me what I wanted the most#a satisfied ending for Atem for Kaiba and for their story
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Happy Chrysler! The brushes and fonts are here!
After months of promising I've finally put together the ULTIMATE LO DEBAUCHERY brush and font pack! This was something I've been wanting to put together and release for a while but between technical difficulties, moving PC's, and wanting to ensure the brush pack was as refined as possible, it led to some delays. That said, it's finally finished!
VERSION 3 HERE! Helpful anon struck back not once, but twice! This will be the FINAL RELEASE of this brush pack (unless anything else is discovered but at this point it's feeling pretty complete! Any new additions will be collected and released in a new version at a later date <3)
WHAT'S INCLUDED:
All the brushes I consistently use in my panel edits of LO and Rekindled panels, among a metric FUCKTON of others provided by the community since releasing the first build! All the brush files are .abr meaning they can be used cross-platform between Clip Studio, Photoshop, Procreate, and other compatible drawing software!
A small selection of fonts from the Jason Brubaker 26 Fonts set.
A raw .clip and .psd file of Persephone from Episode 38 containing all the layer information for you to pull apart and play with! Also comes with an instruction layer to explain what brushes were used and where. Please use responsibly ( ´ ∀ `)ノ~ ♡
An .mp4 time lapse of an Eros panel recreation from S1 using the newest set of brushes!
WHAT'S NOT INCLUDED:
Clip Studio brushes that I also use due to exporting limitations. This includes the standard Gouache brush (which I've replaced with some Photoshop-compatible brushes that are close enough) and the Design Pencil brush, both of which come pre-packaged as default brushes with Clip Studio Paint. So if you use CSP, you should be able to find these missing brushes in your default brush kits!
The remaining 23 fonts from the Jason Brubaker set as they're not typically used in LO and I don't want to go releasing an entire font pack. Note that you should NOT use the provided fonts commercially unless you've legally paid for them. If you want all of his comic fonts to use royalty-free then you can buy them on Gumroad!
The canvas texture overlay that I apply to all my pages, the one I use can be found in Clip Studio's default texture overlays but you can undoubtedly also find overlays for free online or simply use the "Add Canvas" brush that's included in the brush pack! (the overlay is just faster and more uniform haha)
Commercial ownership - these brushes are all being provided to use for free, but you are NOT allowed to use these commercially, says the law. If you try to use these in a professional commercial product and get caught, it's your own funeral! Use at your own risk!
A lot of research and trial and error went into putting this together, so I'm thrilled to finally bring it to y'all for your panel editing, text editing, and style-studying needs ~ Consider this my grand gesture of appreciation and gratitude for accepting me into this community with open arms and showing so much support for what I've added to the table <3 Enjoy! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ~ ♡
And if anyone asks you where or how you got these, no you didn't-
#merry crismus#happy chrysler#many of these brushes are adapted from other brush kits that have been made inaccessible by corporations like adobe#so be cool about it mkay#resource sharing is caring#that said i'm turning off reblogs so pls stick to message / link sharing okie poke#lore olympus critical#anti lore olympus#lo critical
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life is miserable but at least soon i'll have 2 days on the train of drawing bg3 fanart and reading a book about birds so i don't talk to strangers
#secretly still want to talk to strangers if they're nice but i have no resources to start :/#i'm so happy of very little random interactions with people#it makes me sad to think why#eugh... i hope this trip will change things a little. even for just a week. im so tired
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🤍 the cure to all my ailments 🤍
#jinki art is BACK on this blog (back back back)#my drawing tablet was happy to come out of its drawer for a change#should I tag this as *not an edit*?#I've been toning down on the hyper-realism lately but I never know if it will confuse folks lol#anyway#I'm overwhelmed with excitement#he looks so goooooood#lee jinki#ThatGoodOldArtTag#onew#shinee#(I wish I'd had time to glaze and nightshade this but it was taking foreveeeer to download the resources and unzip and setup the#whole thing and I really need to go to bed cause these days I'm working like crazy and it's been stressful#so perhaps the next time I'll have more time to setup these softwares and make them work) *sigh*#shinee shenanigans
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THE (CATHOLIC) SCHOOL I (UNWILLINGLY) GO TO HAD AN ASSEMBLY ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH TODAY AND??? THEY SHOWED A VIDEO OF MARKIPLIER???
THE SPEAKER DOING THE PRESENTATION CLICKED TO THE SLIDE WITH THE VIDEO ON IT AND MY BRAIN JUST BUFFERED
SHE WAS LIKE "Have any of you ever heard of Markiplier before?" AND I WAS LIKE ???????????
#yes#i know hes like#famous#or whatever#but i didnt think famous = being brought up in an assembly at my catholic school#it was a video of him talking about mental health and about having conversations about it#so it fit the subject matter#but it was still so weird#i mean she was a guest speaker#and also a pretty good one too???#like i will admit i went into it with low expectations#because my school doesn't have a great history with how they treat mental health#but the information she was giving was actually good and she didn't sugarcoat or gloss over things#and she didnt treat depression like its just “being sad” or like depression is the only thing that can affect a person's mental health#she also had support resources and one of them was the trevor project??#which was very very pleasantly surprising to see#i dont know if our school admin knew she was going to include that#either way it made me happy to see#but overall i'm still baffled at hearing the words “have any of you ever heard of markiplier before” at my school#markiplier#i don't really know what else to tag this as tbh
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How’s Fields of Mistria? You mentioning it was the second time I heard of it, the first time being in passing, so I’m not too knowledgeable about the game.
AWWW THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!
Fields of Mistria is SUPER fun, since there's not much to do in it after you've completed the first year right now, I've dedicated myself to breeding and collecting all the seasonal variants of horses so I can name them after the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
I also named all my barns after metamorphised lovers in greek myth because I have exactly one thought running through my head at any given point in time (Currently there's Crocus Coop where I keep my (gorgeous wonderful lovely adorable ouugh I LOVE THEMMM!!) blue chickens
Cypress Barn where I keep my wonderful cows (who have been with me the longest and whom I cherish immensely! I'm not sure if Autumn cows are possible but I'm definitely aiming for a barn of all red and autumnal cows for obvious reasons)
Minthe Barn where I keep all of my other large animals like sheep, alpacas and my very first beloved Chiron (black and white) and Iris (brown with spots) (the foal is Rigel) 🥺
And Hyacinthus Barn where I have a collection of small animals like rabbits, capybaras and my PRIZED DUCKS LEDA (the pretty blue and green duckie) AND CYCNUS (the pure white duck meant to mimic a swan!!) Even though it's technically a coop, I mistakenly labelled it a barn when I was inputting the name and I never changed it LOL
My farm is also named after THE metamorphosized lover, Daphne herself, so it's called Laurel Farm
And I'm planning for my Seasonal Horse barn to be named after the poplar since I quite like Leuke's story and I think she's fitting of housing the horses that will be the steeds of War, Pestilence, Conquest and Famine :)
Bonus: My house is still small and eclectically decorated, but keeping in theme with my farm, I do hope to go for a flower/garden theme
<33
#Thank you for the opportunity to gush oml#ginger answers asks#I also have a ton to say about the characters and story and lore of FOM so far but I don't want to have the post be too long hehe#I'm very happy with my progress even though I know there are a lot of people who are further along than me esp after they finished#the main content of the early access#I like going nice and slow since there's no new content scheduled to come out until like November LMFAO#Hopefully I'll have my horse army by then :)#I want to get a barn of sheep and name them after each of Hyacinthus' siblings tbh#I also was a Pleiad coop#But if I made a Maia chicken I would be morally obligated to make a Hermes chicken#And I don't want to think about kinassigning any of the Olympians types or rarities of breedable animals in Mistria because then I'd have t#make seasonal variants for Zeus Poseidon and Hades#Which is a lot of space#(And a lot of resources)#Sadly none of my animals have any ornaments like hats or bowties or pins#I haven't invested in those yet because I am poor :.)#I still don't have all silver tools either LMAO#Anyway thank you for such a thoughtful ask I really appreciate it!!#fields of mistria
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What happens when a handful of average folk have had enough of missing persons cases, lost pets, and stolen goods, and decide it's time to form a secret club for fairy hunting?
Very bad things.
The Greyhound Circle was nothing more than a club of Alderhill's most staunchly anti-fairy residents at the time (the 60's). They genuinely believed that if they braved the wilderness to figure out how their enemy ticked, they could purge a good swath of fairies from the woods in the name of safety. They were wrong. So wrong in fact, that most of their members never escaped the Hill, and the few that made it out alive never set foot in the forest again.
The conflict they stirred went unbeknownst to the village, but the impact it had on the Hill and her people made history. Even with their small headcount they cleaved a brutal wound through the fairies' domain. And it cleaved through them in turn. On both sides things have undoubtedly changed, but only the Hill's people remember.
#alderhill#alderhill spoilers#GO GRANDMA GO#I reaaally have been itching to get the bluecoat's stuff sketched in color#and the prime example here is Amelia Ronan#she escaped in the end but at what cost?#my art#2024#also I'm so happy with the greyhound brooch you have no idea#shout out to sanctus-ingenium for directing me towards the MET resource I used for reference here it was very helpful#queue
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doing my service for the willbond fans:
here’s my gdrive with ben in the thick of it. all of s4 (and deleted scenes), plus the specials he was in, plus those deleted scenes (and production stills). enjoy!
#ben willbond#the thick of it#resources#themthere#them there#six idiots#the six idiots#i'm happy to upload the other seasons too if people want#they just don't have any ben so idk if anyone cares very much hahahahaha#any problems with any of it do let me know!#*resources
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youtube
a recording of the tumblr CEO Q&A that happened on tumblr live on 07/11/23.
some notes: the very beginning of the video is cut off, but the audio for it is fine. and there are a few small areas in the second half of the video where the audio drops in quality a bit.
all of that is because this whole video is actually frankenstein'd together from several different audio and video sources, recorded by myself, @xccentriktigress, and @fokron, and with extra help from @eiimblr and @sharksfood!
thank you all for working on this team project with me, and for helping archive this so that others can see it! yay teamwork! :D
#tumblr live#tumblr live q&a#photomatt#zingring#tumblr live CEO q&a#resources#tumblr history#as of the time I post this#the video has only processed in SD so far#so if you wait an hour or two it should be available in a higher quality#also I have not added captions#I don't know how long youtube takes to add auto-captions#but if anyone else ever sees this and wants to help transcribe so I can add captions - let me know!#I'd be happy to add them I'm just not great at accuracy when it comes to these things sometimes
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Just finished watching Wendigoon's video about Hisashi Ouchi and had a terrible, awful, no-good DP prompt idea come into my head. Come suffer with me.
So the Fentons constantly threaten to tear ghosts apart "molecule by molecule" right? What if they managed to make an anti-ghost weapon that made good on that threat? One that tore apart ghostly DNA or ectoplasm, and just straight-up turned any ghost hit by it into green goop, melted within seconds like Danny's clones?
So I imagine that at some point after destroying a couple of ghosts with this new weapon, Jack and Maddie finally manage to corner Phantom somehow. Terrified, Danny is left with no choice but to try to explain who and what he is, hoping to all the Ancients that it will be enough to stop them from hurting him.
Unfortunately for him, the Fentons don't really listen at first and shoot him point blank.
Danny puts his arms up to protect himself and closes his eyes, trembling in abject fear, imagining himself melting away into a pile of goop right in front of his parents. He desperately hopes it's quick and painless. He waits for the end.
...and waits
... and waits
The Fentons and Danny both feel shocked, but Danny eventually laughs (a bit hysterically) and continues explaining his accident, intensely relieved that his half-human nature had protected him from this weapon.
Once he explains everything, the Fentons apologize with tears in their eyes for how they had treated him. They accept him for who he is, and promise to do their best to learn more about ghosts' true natures. They decide to use their inventions in an actually scientific, ethical way, to learn more about this culture and people. Danny and Jazz are both ecstatic. Everything seems perfect. Sure, Danny might have thrown up and passed out the minute they got home from that little talk, and sure, his skin turned a bit red and painful where he got hit, but that was the extent of it, right? His human half purged the effects of the weapon from his body, no harm no foul.
But they all forget that while Danny's DNA is half human, it is also half ghostly in nature, and the weapon just tore through those parts of him like bullets through paper.
A week later, Danny's skin starts to feel like it's burning
#danny phantom#dp prompt#prompt#basically the Fentons accidentally give Danny extreme radiation poisoning and have to deal with the consequences#maybe Vlad could get a redemption arc in this#finally realizing that Maddie is not as perfect as he imagined her to be#and using everything in his considerable power to help save his Little Badger#could also be#DPxDC#dp x dc#if they end up reaching out to the justice league for their resources and expertise on non-human biology and radiation exposure#and of course every single one of them would end up loving Danny and wanting to take him away from these people who hurt him so bad#or at least help him recover and watch over him after#they wouldn't be fans of the Fentons to say the least#if anyone writes anything on this you can take it anywhere you like#but I'm personally a sucker for Angst with a Happy Ending#so in my imagination Danny manages to make it through the almost 3 months of suffering and eventually recovers#with a ton of new friends (and maybe a lover) for his troubles#but he'd never be the same#and I don't think he'd ever look at Jack and Maddie the same either#don't look up pictures of Hisashi Ouchi btw#only made that mistake once#danny fenton#btw for those who don't know but don't want to watch a 90min video about it#Hishashi Ouchi was a poor man who was exposed to so much radiation that his chromosomes were torn to shreds#**READ THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES AT YOUR DISCRETION CW IT'S NOT PRETTY IF YOU DON'T LIKE THINKING ABOUT NASTY STUFF/BODY HORROR DON'T READ#then his skin started to slough off#then the lining of his lungs. then the one on his intestines. then on almost every one of his organs#He lived for 83 days bc the best doctors in the world were trying to save him#but Yes it was probably as excruciating as it sounds especially bc his mind was intact for most of it
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Hey how do u know if u wanna be a boy in a cis way or a trans way? I’m a girl btw
alright so i'm gonna preface this by saying that i'm... probably not the best authority on What Makes A Man(TM), considering that i'm not one, and that no answer i give is going to catch every relevant topical nuance? but i know i've talked a bit in the tags about my personal blend of cis+ gender-woogity, so i'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that's what you're asking about!
it got pretty long, so i put it under the cut :D
there's two ways i tend to approach my assessment of my gender, which for purposes of this ask let's call "diagnostic" and "diegetic".
the diagnostic approach is more or less what it sounds like - comparing and contrasting what i understand gender to be, denotatively and connotatively and culturally, with what my sense of my own gender is, and trying to figure out what feels closest to me and why. this has been influenced pretty heavily by two posts i've seen floating around over the years but can't for the life of me find right now.
one of them is just a quote to the effect of "consistently wishing you were a different gender is a pretty strong indicator of being that gender." and it makes sense, right? human intuition, gut feeling like that, is made of a million little deductions about the world relative to yourself that you don't consciously process all of, but which make themselves known however they can. if you're a girl but you keep finding yourself thinking "man, i wish i was a boy," that might be your brain doing behind-the-scenes pattern recognition about being a boy and trying to flag your attention towards it.
which isn't to say that it's an infallible tell, gut feelings are not always correct, let alone accurate! even when they are, you're getting, like. fortune cookie amounts of information about things that might require thesis paper amounts. but that's where you have to take a level in metacognition and think about why you think about or respond to something the way you do. or, to quote discworld,
“First Thoughts are the everyday thoughts. Everyone has those. Second Thoughts are the thoughts you think about the way you think. People who enjoy thinking have those. Third Thoughts are thoughts that watch the world and think all by themselves. They’re rare, and often troublesome. Listening to them is part of witchcraft.”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky
figuring out the why of your own responses is good for tons of non-gender-related reasons, but it's especially helpful with those kind of vague but persistent I Feel A Way About This thoughts. if you're a girl and you keep thinking "man, i wish i were a boy", there's a lot of reasons you might think that! for legit gender reasons, yeah, but it might also be "i wish i were a boy because their clothes look better" or "i wish i were a boy because then i wouldn't get cat-called" or "because they get paid more" or "because no one assumes they can't pick up heavy things" or more. some of them are aesthetic things, some of them are cultural misogyny things, all of them are relevant and valid! but it also makes it a little harder to tell how heavily gender-weighted they are in general - you can be mad about the pay gap and and explore a more masculine silhouette while still robustly being a woman.
(though, pro tip about the clothes? regardless of your genderfeel, men's section jeans are where it's at. huge pockets. not made of tissue paper. sized with actual waist/inseam measurements instead of a random number revealed to a women's fashion exec in a vision. cannot recommend them strongly enough. have pocket. be free.)
that brings us to the second post that i regrettably can't find, and another excellent diagnostic tool!
it was a comment written by a trans man in a longer thread about gender identity, talking about something that helped him distinguish between 'cultural misogyny sucks' thoughts and 'i am not a woman' thoughts. he definitely explained it more eloquently, but his rule of thumb was "would this upset me if it happened to me, but not to a female friend?"
for example, if someone holds the door for a girl and calls her "ma'am," all courteous manners, that would probably not be an issue for most women! but if you aren't a woman, or you're starting to not feel like one, it might not feel so comfortable an interaction.
i've learned to use that as a baseline for a problem management system for "i wish i was..." thoughts like those - it really does help to distinguish between external circumstance thoughts wearing a gender envy hat vs actual gender envy thoughts hiding under an external-circumstance hat, especially when there's multiple confounding factors involved. for example, let's go back to the clothes thing for a second!
i've always had a bit of a contentious relationship with clothes shopping, which in hindsight was a combination of personal aesthetic, sensory issues, body image issues, and gender issues. trying to develop my aesthetic was hard, especially back when "department store girls' section" was my only real choice and the best i ever hoped for was a grudging least-worst option just to get it over with. this has since changed! i have experienced presentation euphoria! i have a style now that feels comfortable and makes me happy! but it was a steep climb to get there until i learned how to identify what made the least-worst option least worst and move closer to it.
sometimes it's easy, like "this fabric is soft but the color is hideous" so find a different color, or "it's too tight across the chest because it was designed for someone skinny" so try a different size, or "this is just blatantly not-my-aesthetic" so move on. but sometimes it's "i'm getting steadily more upset trying to find a dress that i don't hate on my body despite them looking and feeling just fine on the hanger," and that one's a little tougher.
because on one hand, part of it really was the body image issues. i don't need to shop plus-size, but there's still something really disheartening about basically every retail outlet's 'normal' size range heavily implying that i'm only barely thin enough to be worth catering to, you know? fatphobia in the fashion industry is a whole different other conversation that we're not having right now, but it heavily contributed to some non-gender-related body dysphoria that's played first-chair tuba in my brain for a long time.
but on the other hand, looking at myself in a mirror wearing a dress and really hating it wasn't entirely about my body in a dress - it was also about my body in a dress. it didn't really click until a good friend of mine invited me to be in their wedding party, and said "we're not doing bridesmaid's dresses, just bridal party colors, wear whatever you feel most comfortable in as long as it matches!" and i spent ten seconds mentally gearing up for another godawful harrowing misery gauntlet of dress shopping -
and then stopped. because.
if i can wear something comfortable.
and a dress isn't.
...... what if i wore a suit?
and lo, i went to men's wearhouse and got slacks and a vest and a buttondown and a tie and it was amazing. i feel so fucking good in that outfit, i feel handsome and classy and confident in a way i literally never once in my life have felt while wearing a dress.
most of the time, people want things or don't-want things for a whole blend of reasons, and if there's one reason yelling loudest (hello, body-dysphoria tuba) it's often hard to tell what the rest of the factors are. but it's really, genuinely worth it to try and figure it out, even if you have to dig through a big old lump of stress and misery to get there - understanding yourself better and accepting what you find will only ever lead to quality-of-life improvements. sometimes it's as simple as refining your aesthetic some more, realizing "i can do better than grudging least-worst options" and navigating towards a wardrobe that you actually like!
but sometimes, it's realizing that your clothes don't make you feel good in the first place because they're expecting a kind of gender performance out of you that you can't comfortably give.
and that's where the "diegetic" part of my self-analysis kicks in.
the definition of "diegetic" is (of sound in a movie, television program, etc.) occurring within the context of the story and able to be heard by the characters. the score of a movie is non-diegetic, whereas the song playing on the radio during a driving scene is. how does this relate to my gender, you might ask?
well... perception.
i can be on as many levels of Advanced Gendermancy as i want, but that's all non-diegetic. myself as i am, occurring within the context of existing in public and able to be seen by the other people out there living life? i'm gonna get perceived as a gender, and i'm gonna get perceived as "girl," with maybe an addition of "... queer?" when i feel like making a statement with flannels. and that's okay with me. it's not a hardship to have people assume i'm a girl, because yeah, i'm a girl! ish! mostly! girl-lite, girl-as-default, noncommittal-wiggly-hand-gesture rounding-down-to-the-closest-answer girl.
but the thing is, i'm a carpenter. blue-collar union carpenter. women comprise... i think 2% of the construction workforce in my area. which means that just by existing on-site, i'm making all the guys remember that the gender binary exists because there's now a "them" for them to be an "us" about. i get called "miss kelly" like that's my whole name by the guys from my company who know me, and i get called "young lady" by guys from other companies who don't, and it's all very respectful and courteous, but... i don't want it. what i want is access to the "we're literally all men here so it doesn't even matter that we're men" gender space they have without me, which i can't have, because i am diegetically female in a male-dominated field. and if gender is a fluid, i'm a water balloon deforming under pressure, because the more frequently i get Gendered on-site - even when everyone's been nothing but polite about it, and certainly not intending any insult! - the more stressed-out i get in the same direction as wearing dresses made me feel. it's too much, too constrictive of an expectation that i do not meet, and i don't like it, and you know what helps?
chasing masculine presentation a little harder to make up for it.
being seen and Gendered masculinely, even if it's a little more than i would normally want, feels good because it's balancing the pH of my gender fluid again, and getting to have that is entirely dependent on someone else perceiving you and acting on that perception.
so that's part of it as well, beyond any interior exploration you can do. it isn't just about what you feel like, which is certainly important - it's also about the way people treat you relative to what you feel like. and it's hard, it's really really hard, to figure out what's right for you in that balance, especially if you don't know what's wrong in the first place.
it's like being blindfolded on a beach and told to find wheat grains scattered in the sand by touch alone. you know there's something good out there but not where it is or how to find it, only that you don't have it, and if you find wheat at all it's mixed in with so much sand you can hardly taste it anyway. if you're lucky, you bump into someone who's gone through it already who can take the blindfold off and show you how to sift for wheat instead of just eating a handful of sand and hoping, and that makes it easier, but for every one person like that there's a hundred more who've never had to try to pick wheat out of sand and can't tell the difference anyhow who think you're just not trying hard enough to live off of the """wheat""" you've been given.
i can't really tell you what it feels like to want to be a boy, because i'm not a boy and i don't really want to be? but i can tell you how i worked out the gender that i've got right now, and i hope it helps you anyway.
#answered asks by cwaf#anon asks by cwaf#advanced gendermancy#i'm obviously not trying to Speak For The Trans Community(TM) here i'm just one person trying my best to articulate some stuff#but these are the things that have impacted my gender exploration the hardest#so i hope they're useful tools for you too!#i can't take credit for the sand vs wheat analogy because my datemate came up with it but they said i could use it here#if you do some thinking and discover that you *do* want to be a boy there's a ton of trans resources out there!!#there's a whole community who'd be happy to help guide you if you reach out to them for advice#but this is what i've got for you right now
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ah... 🥲
#song choice is perfect lmao i truly am hated by life for spending so much time in this game i guess#but i'm kinda happy about finally reaching this milestone because 5 BONUS LARGE ENERGY DRINKS EVERY TEN RANKS. FINALLY#not that i have anything against crystals. i just need to be secured for wl LMAO#because my resources are not looking that good rn i'd say#i'm at 27k crystals rn tho so hopefully i'll be able to get to 90k again by march? so i could both use crystals for tiering and be secured+#for emks colorfes#ri says the less serious things. the tag
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just finished interviewing bellini for one of my finals in my comedy class and i'm losing my mind over bellini going on a tangent about how if he were grading my comedy over the past year he would give me an A+. like i didn't ask him to say that and it wasn't related to any of the questions i asked but you better believe i'm leaving that in to be like see professor? BELLINI gave me an A+!!!
#it was very sweet lmao and a great conversation over all#last time i was in town i told bellini a one-liner i came up with about the 2SLGBTQIA+ acronym having the exact qualifications#for a strong password (8 letters a number and a special character) and he said he's repeated it to several people#and it's always gotten a big laugh!! which is so cool!!! i'm not typically a ''joke'' writer my stuff is usually character-driven#so that's awesome that both bellini AND scott really loved that line!!#bellini in particular has been such a fan of my comedy since we first met (across multiple eras now)#like we met while i was working on my musical ''other girls'' and he was so excited to hear about it when i first mentioned it#and had me send him the recording as soon as i got it#and he's been so helpful in developing aubrey as a solo sketch character too#it's so cool having a professional comedian (especially one with such a meticulously good ear for comedy like bellini)#be as excited about my work as i am and be able to help me refine it into something even better#and especially as a queer comedian today who's finding it difficult to navigate this landscape of being ''bad representation''#bellini having been an openly gay comedy writer for almost double my lifetime is such a great resource to have!!#of course a lot of this is true for scott too (tho scott hasn't actually *seen* any of my comedy yet. he's just heard me tell jokes from it#but bellini is such a special mentor for me and i'm so happy we randomly connected over mouth congress over a year ago
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