#I'm not saying this aggressively its just de true

[yuraimi-lee-bunny]

And all of this wouldn't be happening if everyone had understood the message from the original LiS team of "Max and Chloe's story ends here. Life is Strange is an anthology and the next installment will be a new story."

But here we are: as they kept insisting on "we want to see Max and Chloe", ANNOYED social media SO MUCH when promoting Life is Strange 2, SO MUCH, ALWAYS asking "Where are Max and Chloe?" and it went on like this for YEARS! They gave the comics and it wasn't enough. They gave Farewell and it wasn't enough. They fed a beast that is Square Enix, who has long been known not to care about their fan base, and well, here you have it: Life is Strange Double Exposure...

If they constructed EVERYTHING Before the Storm, Farewell and True Colors, it was noticeable how the stories were poorly narrated and that they did not care about their characters. Did they really have faith in good writing for this new game?

I always felt so bad for the original LiS team because as an illustrator and art director, I can put myself in their shoes of how much it must have hurt them. It was their project, they made it grow, they put SO much love and effort into it, they basically had to part ways with their "baby" for the sake of integrity and not pursue a story they didn't want.

And when I learned that and then looked at the fandom, I asked myself "why do they keep insisting that a company that was not the original one continue a story that was VERY OBVIOUSLY already finished?

That's their level of loyalty they have to the team that delivered a game that, despite its many flaws, is artistically and empathetically well done?" But well, I think we all know the answer: they never cared. They only cared about their overflowing gluttony of Pricefield. And to get it, they fed the Square Enix crows so much that they've now gouged out the eyes of a majority of the fandom.

Moral: learn to consume, and know when enough is enough. Dontnod had said that it was not going to continue Max and Chloe story, and you didn't respect them. Remember that in ANY FIELD: NO means NO.

Good day.

[thesinglesjukebox]

MEGAN THEE STALLION - "HISS"

We have now arrived at our last song of the month. We will not be covering any other songs this month. See you in March!

[7.73]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: As a lifelong Barb, it saddens me to see Nicki enter a paranoid, truly despicable frenzy. The only upside? We get songs like this.  [9]

Anna Suiter: Megan might have created a brand new season! [9]

Nortey Dowuona: Megan said one line and ended Nicki's career in one fell swoop, rendered Cardi B irrelevant for another year, and notched another hit. I expect you all to be at the next tour. And be there early! [10]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: It's a category error to think of this as a diss track – it's more a supernova-level airing of grievances, as comprehensive of a litany of disdain as I've heard in rap. It loses something in listenability as it goes on -- Lil Ju & Bankroll's beat feeling a little like an endurance test as it grinds you down -- but maintains its fundamental appeal no matter how many times you loop it. Megan's charisma, both as an instrument of inward love and outward spite, shines true. [7]

Will Adams: It's not a tour de force, it's a tour de ferocious: Megan's near non-stop onslaught is a marvel to listen to, no matter the beat's plainness or the mid-point spoken word bit that trips up the momentum. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: Is any rapper right now better than Megan when she's on one? Based on "HISS," maybe not. Also, she doesn't get the credit she deserves for her little vocal tics, her "ah!"s and "ha!"s, which are nearly as good as Michael Jackson's. [7]

Ian Mathers: Delightful throughout, but I must admit I giggle like a small child every time I get to "when I'm in the gym I think about bitches that I'm shitting on." [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The energy is undeniable, but the moment when the beat drops and she talks only dampens the mood. Ultimately, this isn't a song I care for, but I appreciate that it makes me want to root for her. [5]

Katherine St. Asaph: The fury and virtuosity are both undeniable, even if I'm not really sure whether I like this or just support it. [7]

Leah Isobel: It is very satisfying to hear Megan in firebreather mode, especially since it's so well-deserved; she's gotten a raw fucking deal over the past couple of years, and if anyone has the right to let off some steam by shit-talking everyone else, it's her. She has the technical ability and linguistic smarts to back up her aggression, too. But as satisfying as it is to see her skill and subtlety send one of her adversaries into a week-long tailspin, there's also something a little disheartening about the spectacle. "Cobra" pushed at the edges of her art, trying to articulate her real struggles within the frame of her party-starter persona, and did an admirable job of inverting her usual performance of sexuality and strength into vulnerability and entrapment. By contrast, "HISS" feels boxed in, not just by the constraints of her public image but by the constraints that the perception of her public image places on her actual selfhood. When she raps, "Say he fucked Megan, and now he the topic / These n***** thinking they lowered the value / All this free promo, I'm turning a profit," the video shows her nude with her hands tied behind her back: her body, constricted, defenseless, and presumed to be available just because it is visible. That's the real anger that animates "HISS": anger that her humanity is not and will never be enough, because of what other people think about her body. But people don't want to hear that, so instead, we get beef. Yum. [7]

Taylor Alatorre: "Um. Miss... Thee Stallion, ma'am? I'm... not entirely sure if you have a full and accurate understanding of all the processes that factor into the monetization of social media clicks and page views, as well as certain other key elements of the modern attention economy. If you would like to register for my quick-and-easy 6-week course, you could soon be earning a-- oh. I see. My bad. I-- I'll just be going, then." [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[grandhotelabyss]

I wonder, with your knowledge of comics, was there also this wave of quasi pedophilia, or "mixing overly cute with sexy" shit, or is this mostly unique to Japan?

It's not unique to Japan; it's a feature of modernity. My grandparents were watching Betty Boop when they were kids! In her famous theoretical explication of cuteness, Sianne Ngai explains:

To use an everyday, ready-at-hand object as an example of commercially produced cuteness, this small and compact knickknack, a frog-shaped bath sponge, shows how much the aesthetic depends on a softness that invites physical touching—or, to use a more provocative verb, fondling. [...] We can thus start to see how cuteness might provoke ugly or aggressive feelings, as well as the expected tender or maternal ones. For in its exaggerated passivity and vulnerability, the cute object is as often intended to excite a consumer’s sadistic desires for mastery and control as much as his or her desire to cuddle.

Cuteness, like other aspects of the 19th-century romanticization of childhood and the 20th-century romanticization of adolescence, is, as the exaggerated "other" of adulthood and therefore of sexuality, rife in practice with return-of-the-repressed sexualization, from Alice in Wonderland to Shirley Temple, in the same way that cute animals inherently imply the Darwinian "nature red in tooth and claw" they were invented to de-fang, as in Beatrix Potter. Now Betty Boop notwithstanding, I would say that the cute-sexy dialectic is not nearly as prominent a feature of American comics as of Japanese, however, as far as I can tell, or wasn't before widespread Japanese influence, even though it existed elsewhere in American culture. So comics is the cultural variable here between the U.S. and Japan, not the cute-sexy dialectic. American high literature had Lolita as Japanese high literature had Naomi, but only Japanese comics had Sailor Moon. I can't think of an American cognate for the latter in comic books. (I've never read/watched Sailor Moon. I vaguely remember its initial vogue when I was in high school and have been told by today's media literate and with-it youth that it sexualizes female neoteny.) The sexuality you'd find in Superman or Batman or X-Men tended to be iconographically adult, largely of the T&A variety meant to appeal to adolescent boys who were also swiping dad's Playboy in the days before the internet. The return of the repressed Maus deliberately enacts upon funny animal comics is exclusively focused on politics and violence with no special attention paid to sex, while the return of the repressed Watchmen deliberately enacts upon superhero comics is saturated in sex but absent any cuteness. Maybe I'm missing something. A forbidden thought: did the cute-sexy dialectic originate as a style of female eros?—hence its notable early appearance in manga directed at girls just as it appeared in the west in female-targeted children's literature, before it became generalized to males as well, now even stereotypically associated with males, clutching their proverbial waifu pillows in their proverbial goon caves. Someone also recently told me that furry culture comes out of funny animal comics from the '50s and the way those comics absorbed the libidinal energy repressed by the Comics Code. I have no idea if that's true. I'm happy, sort of, to be informed if anyone knows more.

[exoticalmonde]

Evealia x Mink (Dramatical Murder VN)

I don't know how cringe self-inserting yourself into games is at the moment but I am a reader AND a writer, so here is my DMMD self-insert (lacking art because my PC has been exploded for 3 months now and fate just doesn't want me to do my work).

With a small part of my self-ship fic that I have been unable to finish on time for my birthday. As a treat.

 I'm making mine under the pretext that Aoba has decided to be with Ren as the true ending. That actually leaves me with other people I could have experienced Over Tower with (or had an entirely different situation) and that other people is just Mink.

I'll refer to this OC in 3rd person with the name Eve, because it feels weird to say 'my' although it is 'my' in the sense of

At this point her AllMate is recycled Maine Coon, the size of a big dog (around 70cm of body height) but de-clawed. The previous models were meant as guard animals in a very popular fashion shop/show thing but many of them became susceptible to viruses and those viruses ultimately destroyed the feline population of these AllMates made them aggressive. Declawing was the first attempt to keep them despite the faults but since they would also have to alter their teeth/jaw, it was just easier (as they were a limited number) to get rid of them and get new ones. 

The way Eve managed to fix her AllMate was exchange parts from a scrapped dog AllMate, which is why he often shows puppy characteristics. Like randomly barking between meows.

Oh, where did she get the parts? She works at a repair shop as a clerk and knows this or that. She originally came from a different country, so getting instantly into robotics was her way to 'fit in' when in reality she sticks out aesthetically like a sore thumb in that world.

AllMate’s name is Noon because its serial code is N00N265 and they are not really fit for Rhyme battles, so that’s how she manages to avoid all the battles. They are ginger, of course, so the cat itself is a little bit insane, and despite the name being more feminine the cat has a deep masculine voice box.

Haha, Noon and Eve, get i- *Gets shot*

She lived in one of those apartments on the 14th floor on the main road and her room used to never have any light in it no matter the time of day. It made her really unhappy because she loves plants that bloom, but those don't last long in the shadows. After getting with Mink she's crazy for making the back of the house into a garden and once in a while he ends up minding something like... a pot of mint in his room because she needs it to be somewhere cozy until the leaves take root.

When she meets Mink the first reaction is to run, the second one is to be pathetic on the floor and because she’s a woman he hesitates for 0.00003 seconds, just long enough for her to kick him in the shin and run literally 4 meters before he catches up and the entire scenario of what happened there happens, we all know Mink's route.

Actually when it comes to other characters she’s not at all battle-ready and would rather run than fight, be it because she has never had to learn how to fight or because that primitive part of her brain clicks faster than 'I should defend myself'. So she'd probably be a good punching bag if she wasn't so pathetic and big doe-eyed teary-eyed.

Mink will pick up the name Eva eventually if it reminds him of his own gods (Eva is a goddess mother that brings life and destiny/death along with it, or a goddess of water and the earth) so he thinks that it’s okay if she carries that name as long as she honors the goddess. And Eve of course does so Mink doesn’t slap the spirit out of her in return.

Noon and Lulacan constantly fight.

Anyways, when he disappears for a while she is MAD, probably because she pops off at some point and says that he doesn’t deserve to die and should keep living so the memory of his people would remain and somehow through gaslighting and mental gymnastics and he recognizes the goddess’ name he decides to survive.

After they get together she is totally the type to think she’d get abandoned again and sleeps on the couch until she almost freezes over and dies from abandoned puppy syndrome although Noon is always with her and he’s a purring heat blanket draped over her at all times.

In their relationship while Mink is the brooding and 'actions speak louder than words' kind of quiet guy she is the FMA radio in the background, always talking to the cat, to Mink or to herself without really caring if he is listening and without trying to be interesting, just spilling all the information ever and if he doesn’t like it he can always move away into another room and she would never be mad.

He doesn't, but sometimes he has his ways to shut her up if he needs peace.

When Eve does want attention though she would sit in his feet like a dog, leaning against his knee and would do her thing until he gives up and asks what she wants. It’s usually to go on walkies or to be taught stuff or for him to talk nonsense to her instead.

She doesn't pick up on his job but she's a magpie and begins making the beads he uses instead. He doesn't allow her to sell any since the production is slow, but if he likes anything in particular he picks it up. He got her the tools to begin.

Also totally the person to think Mink would leave again and sit outside in the cold all by her stupid self, the only reason she survived abandoned puppy syndrome is because Noon laid on top of her and kept her warm on the couch.

Otherwise she's not jealous, even worryingly unmoved if other people say something in mild interest about her husband. Truth is, she gaslights herself into believing that it's stupid to think Mink would go back on his words. Does it in front of the bathroom mirror every evening.

She also brings flowers and trinkets she got throughout their first 5 years of being together for the memorial/gravesite and left them there without telling mink whenever something reminded her about a specific person Mink opened up about at some point.

Silly details people usually insert in their OCs information:

Date of Birth: August 5th

Age: 23 years old

Zodiac sign: Sun - Leo; Moon - Scorpio; Rising - Leo

Fav Food: Anything that has chicken and cream in it

Detested Food: Zucchini, Eggplant, Pumpkin, Melon, Animal innards (except liver)

Fav Animal: Jaguar/ Bird of Paradise

Fav Gem: Fire Opal

Fav Colours: Royal Red/Purple/Green

Character Base Colour: Blood Orange

Morning/Night person: Morning person

Also tea person, cat person, spirit animal is either fox or deer and I can't think of anything else, I am sqeezed dry.

[legends-of-time]

Amelia’s Story (BBC Merlin Story)

Chapter 61: Another's Sorrow

Masterlist

A/N: Italics = flashbacks.

TW: references to suicide.

——

Vivienne's POV

Vivienne, nee de Bois and wife of Gorlois, smiles sadly as she strokes her heavily pregnant stomach as she sits at her desk in her Chambers, gazing out of the window. A piece of parchment lies out on the table in front of her, pen hanging listlessly in her left hand. Her mind is blank as she tries to think of the right words to say.

"Vivienne?" Vivienne looks up to see it was her brother Agravaine who had called her name.

She smiles softly at the sight of him.

"I betrayed him again, Agravaine." Vivienne begins to sob. "How could I do this?"

She had been on her way to visit her brother, but she had wanted to stop at Dumnonia, Odin's Kingdom to visit his wife, Rhiannon. Vivienne, who was deeply in love with her husband Gorlois, had not wanted to betray him again and had not planned to develop feelings for Odin nor to have an affair with him. They soon had to separate from each other when Vivienne had to continue her journey to Agravaine's.

A few months into her stay, Vivienne learnt that there was a consequence to her actions as she found herself pregnant for the third time. Vivienne, knowing she could not even try to pass this child off as Gorlois' like she had with Morgana, decided to extend her stay with her brother, arguing that she missed her family home.

Agravaine frowns in concern and strides over to his sister, crouching down and placing a reassuring hand on her knee. "Do not blame yourself."

"How could I not?" Vivienne remarks. "I suppose it is only to be expected, I have always been seen as the rebellious child."

"That is not true!"

Vivienne scoffs, her cheeks wet. "Do you really believe that? I'm sure you did when I got pregnant by some blacksmith while unmarried and losing the advantageous marriage mother and father had organised for me. Or maybe it was when you learnt that I had an affair with my own brother-in-law."

"You know Samuel was not some blacksmith."

Vivienne sighs. "No, no he wasn't."

Samuel had been learning the trade when she had met him. She had loved him since she first saw him and whilst she was a lady of high standard and betrothed, that did not stop her from becoming too close to him which ended up costing her everything. She was pregnant and betrothed to someone else who was not the father. Vivienne's father had flown into a rage, beating poor Samuel black and blue and banishing him. Vivienne's betrothed learnt of the news and refused to marry her. Then she met Gorlois, sweet Gorlois who did not care that his wife was carrying a child that was not his, and Vivienne knows that he would have loved Morgause like his own if he was given the chance. But life is cruel and Morgause was taken away.

"Ygraine has written to me. She says her and Uther are now expecting a child." Agravaine tells her softly, almost fearful. "Tristan has gone to visit her."

Of course, he has. Tristan and Ygraine have always been close. Sickenly so. Her sister has always radiated loveliness, loveliness Vivienne has envied since she was a little girl. Everyone always preferred her younger sister. The girl who was and always will be perfect in every way, a good child who did everything she was told and even married a King. Vivienne's raging words would reduce Ygraine to tears as a child when she had aggressively shouted at her little sister for going into her room and messing up her things. But she doesn't hate her sister and would forgive her just as often but there will always be that divide between them. Maybe that's why Vivienne betrayed her sister in the cruellest way.

Her mother could never be proud of her, for sleeping around and bearing children left, right and centre, betraying her husband and living a lie while Ygraine is as pure as winter snow, and as innocent as its white blanket.

Agravaine, realising she is not going to bother to give his news a reply, moves on, "Have you found a family to care for the child?"

Vivienne sniffles as she nods. "Yes, Sir George's wife, Helen, miscarried her child but she despairs the idea of telling her husband, so I offered my own."

"I am sure she will be well loved."

"Yes..."

——

Amelia's POV

The attack on Nemeth had gone extremely well and now it's time for the next step of the plan. Amelia strides into the Throne room of the Castle along with Odin and Morgana to find King Rodor and Princess Mithian on their knees in the centre of the room with Odin's men guarding them. A Guard shoves Mithian forward causing her to catch herself by her arms and hands.

Amelia winces before quickly rearranging her face into a hard and blank mask. She can't let any of them see any weakness.

"King Rodor." Odin gleefully greets as they reach them. "Princess Mithian. You are as beautiful as they say." He leans forward and grasps Mithian chin, so she looks at him.

Mithian wretches her chin away from him, glaring. "You, Odin, are a cold-blooded murderer."

Rodor stands. "Why have you done this?"

Amelia juts her chin out, trying to project confidence. "You should choose your allies more carefully. Any friend of Camelot is an enemy of my sister and I."

Morgana smirks, nodding to the Guards to take father and daughter away.

Mithian protests, turning to Amelia desperately. "Please, Amelia. You can stop this. This is not like you!"

Amelia clenches her fist, trying to stay in control. "You don't know me." She snaps.

Amelia doesn't watch as Mithian and Rodor get dragged out of the room. Morgana moves to the throne, pacing around it.

"So, we divide the spoils as agreed." Odin says to them.

"Take whatever you wish." Amelia says. "We couldn't have done it without you after all."

Odin looks at her, almost longingly, before glancing between the two. "Then, what is your business here?"

Morgana shrugs, walking towards him. "I seek what's rightfully mine. I seek the throne of Camelot. And for that we need an army."

"My army."

Amelia raises an eyebrow. "I believe they've showed their mettle today." She remarks.

"And what do I receive in return for this service?" Odin questions.

"Arthur, to do with as you wish." Morgana replies tightly.

Amelia and Morgana turn to leave.

"Amelia." Odin calls.

She turns to him. "What?" She asks curtly.

Odin finds himself unable to say anything. Amelia frowns at him before turning away. He's always been strange towards her every time they've met, giving her strange looks. Though granted she hasn't been around him often, particularly after Arthur killed his son but Amelia has recently been spending a lot of time with him and it's allowed her to really notice.

Amelia is so deep in her thoughts as she walks away that she doesn't see Morgana giving Odin a sharp look before following her.

——

The plan had been decided way in advance. Rodor will stay with Odin as insurance that Mithian will behave as she travels to Camelot with Morgana and Amelia who are under ageing spells as Hilda and Freya, two faithful servants who had supposedly escaped Odin's invasion with her.

They gallop into the Main Square and dismount. Amelia swallows thickly. She looks around at a Castle she has not seen in over 3 years. The memories here– No. She can't be weak, she can't mess up this plan, she can't let Morgana down. She has to stay firm.

Amelia's breath does not catch at the sight of Leon running out of the Castle, followed by a couple of Guards.

"Show yourselves!" He cries.

Mithian steps around her horse to face him. "Sir Leon. It gladdens my heart to see you." Suddenly, Mithian staggers back and seemingly fainting.

"Princess Mithian." Leon gasps, rushing forward to lift in his arms.

"My Lady!" Morgana (Hilda) cries fearfully. Amelia (Freya) reaches forward in concern. Fake concern, of course, she can't break.

Leon quickly carries Mithian up the Castle steps. "Quickly! We must get her to Gaius!"

——

Leon rushes into a Guest Chambers with Mithian in his arms with Morgana and Amelia slinking along behind him. Amelia is admittedly out of breath by the time they get there. She is totally and completely unaffected by the appearance of Gaius, another person she hasn't seen in so long, who was also nowhere to be seen during her imprisonment.

"Merlin, bring blankets and build a fire. Hurry now! We must keep her warm at all costs." Gaius instructs as Leon places Mithian on the bed.

"Is she gonna be alright?" Leon asks worriedly.

"I fear it's too early to say." Gaius replies. "Thank you, Leon. You've done all you can."

"Of course." Leon responds. He leaves but not before throwing worried glances towards Mithian's immobile form. The old Amelia would definitely start plotting to get them together, just as she had with Anne when it came to Gwen and Arthur—

Merlin touches Amelia's arm gently, who startles at the touch. "I'll have someone show you to your room." He says softly.

He can't— he can't be kind, she—

"We will not leave our mistress." Amelia manages to get out

"She's in safe hands I assure you." Merlin softly reassures.

"She means everything to us." Morgana adds.

"If it were up to me..."

"Please..." Amelia begs, turning to directly face Merlin. They can't leave Mithian on her own.

Merlin turns to the Physician. "Gaius?"

"Very well." Gaius concedes. "Make yourself comfortable. Merlin, give me that blanket."

Suddenly, Anne bursts in at that moment, a baby in her arms. Amelia's breath catches in her throat at the first sight of Anne. Oh God, she can't take this.

Merlin rushes over to her in concern. "Anne, what are doing here? I thought you were putting Euwen down for the night? Where's Faye?"

Amelia knows Anne is replying but she can't hear her, all Amelia can hear is her own thoughts. Anne has a daughter and a son, and she named the daughter a name Amelia had suggested—

Amelia then feels Morgana grab hold of her upper arm, squeezing it. This quickly brings Amelia down to earth again. She looks away when Anne gives them a curious smile but watches when Merlin kisses her before Anne leaves.

Once everyone is gone and the door is locked, Amelia and Morgana can remove their disguise much to Amelia's relief. It's not easy. Amelia gasps in agony, clinging to the table in front of her. She can hear Morgana doing the same as they both turn back to normal. Amelia turns around to look at Mithian, while she rubs her hands, getting rid of the ache in her fingers, to see Mithian watching them both closely.

"Your magic may be strong, but the two of you can't keep this up for long. It's exhausting you." Mithian warns.

Amelia and Morgana look at her sharply.

"Enough!" The latter snaps. "You just concentrate on making sure your friends believe your story."

Mithian swallows shakily.

——

Anne's POV

Anne watches in concern as Merlin assists Mithian in the chair that sits directly opposite Arthur and Gwen’s thrones in the Council Chambers. All of the colour is gone from the Princess’s face, leaving her a sickly pale. Without the pink in her cheeks, she looks like someone stole all the warmth from her body. Her dress hangs off her frail form. Once she’s seated comfortably, Merlin steps off to the side, standing next to Anne amongst members of the Council. Anne glances over to the two elderly women who sit in chairs just behind Mithian. They seem a bit of a mystery, curious companions for Mithian. And strangely familiar…

"They came at night without warning. We were unprepared. We could not hold them." Mithian tells them shakily.

"This was three days ago you say." Arthur prompts softly.

Mithian nods, attempting to hold back tears. "His men, they showed no mercy. Cut us down like corn."

"Odin has no care for the suffering he causes."

"And your father?" Gwen asks.

"He was badly wounded, but we managed to escape." Mithian explains. Okay, some good news.

"Where is he now?" Arthur asks.

"We made it almost as far as the border, but he could not continue any further." Mithian says tearfully, almost choking with emotion. "Odin's men will be searching for us. It's only a matter of time before they find him."

"I see."

Anne watches curiously as Mithian seems to glance at her two companions, before quickly looking away. The two women watch her intently. Strange...

"My father is an old man. He cannot fend for himself. I have no one else to turn to, but you, Arthur. You're my only hope." Mithian pleads.

"Mithian, I understand how you must be feeling, and I will do everything in my power to help you." Arthur promises.

"Thank you, My Lord." Mithian says, tears streaming down her face.

——

Amelia's POV

That evening, Morgana and Amelia, still in their disguises as Hilda and Freya, decide to send a message to Odin, informing him that Arthur has fallen for the bait.

"Cume mec, hræfn wann... bebuge me. Nim bod min þissere nihte." They chant, a raven arrives and sits on the windowsill. Amelia reaches forward and ties the note to the animal's leg. "þinum dryhten. Geðo hit his agendum handum."

Then Amelia sees something move out of the corner of her eye. Mithian.

Morgana and Amelia share a look. They turn the corner to see Mithian bolting towards the door. Morgana raises her hand and yanks it back. Mithian cries out as she flies backwards and lands on the floor, gasping. Amelia walks forward to yank her up when they are interrupted by a knock on the door.

Amelia yanks Mithian up, grasping her arm as if she's helping her stand but she tightens her grip in warning as Morgana opens the door to reveal its Merlin. Amelia tenses. He's the one destined to be her sister's doom.

"Sorry, I did knock." Merlin apologises.

"No need to apologise." Morgana reassures him.

"Gaius sent me. I have a draught for the Princess." He shows them the bottle.

"How thoughtful! Thank you, Merlin." Morgana takes it, closing the door.

Merlin looks at her oddly, eyes flickering to Amelia and Mithian. Not good. If there's someone to catch onto their plan, it's Merlin.

"Good night then." Merlin leaves.

Morgana locks the door and turns sharply to Mithian. "I would not test us if I were you. You would not enjoy the consequences."

——

Anne's POV

Merlin is frowning throughout the time they take to get ready for bed. He's blowing out the candles and closing the curtains when Anne broaches asking him.

"What's wrong, Merlin?" She asks as she slips into bed.

Merlin sighs. "I don't know. There's something not quite right with Mithian."

"What do you mean?"

"It's as if she's frightened of something." Merlin explains as he pulls back the covers and climbs in next to her.

"Well, her Kingdom was attacked, and her father waits for rescue and could be caught at any moment." Anne points out.

Merlin shakes his head, wrapping his arm around Anne who leans into his side. "It's more than that. I can see fear in her eyes. It's not the Mithian I know."

"It was a different time then." Anne reminds him.

"But it's not just Mithian, it's Hilda and Freya." Merlin argues. "There's something not right between them."

Anne sighs. "I know what you mean. There's something off about them. Don't you think there's something familiar about them?"

"What makes you say that?" Merlin asks.

"I don't know." Anne admits. "A feeling. Every time I look at them. It's strange."

They're quiet for a moment before Anne pulls away, sitting up to face Merlin.

"Just come back alright?" She pleads. "I don't care if you've broken all your limbs, all I want is you breathing."

Merlin chuckles softly. "Alright."

They kiss and settle down for the night, hoping they're wrong.

——

Odin's POV

Odin stands in the ancient tomb of King Loath, three leagues from the Camelot border. Odin reads the note sent by Morgana and Amelia. Rodor stands next to him looking worse for wear.

Odin grins, pleased with what he finds.

"It seems your daughter is not just a pretty face, Rodor." Odin remarks. "Arthur is preparing to depart Camelot."

"Seems your daughter is more calculating than I realised." Rodor retorts daringly.

Odin glares at Rodor. How could he know? He turns to the Soldier who brought it in. "Tell the men to make ready." The Soldier leaves.

Odin turns his gaze back to Rodor. "A Tomb fit for a King. A fitting end to Arthur's journey, don't you think?"

"You are leading an honourable man to his death, Odin." Rodor snaps. "You're no King, you're a little more than a common criminal. Amelia is lucky she doesn't—"

Odin slaps him. "Arthur is the criminal. He proved that when he murdered my son."

He can't speak of it. He promised.

——

Amelia's POV

Amelia groans slightly as she wakes. She looks around, confused at what had woken her. Morgana sleeps in the seat opposite, slumped on the table like Amelia was and the candle in front of her flickers because of the open door.

Wait.

Amelia leaps from her chair. She frantically looks to where Mithian should be sleeping to find an empty bed. Oh, no.

She needs to find Mithian. Now. Morgana will not forgive her if she doesn't.

Amelia quickly pulls in her Freya disguise and runs out of the Guest Chambers, her eyes flickering anxiously around her. Mithian will be heading to Arthur's (and Gwen's) Chambers to tell them and warn them. That can't happen but thankfully Amelia knows this Castle all too well.

She uses the hidden passageways and is able to find Mithian, stepping out right in front of her.

Mithian startles, careering to a stop. "I-I was just—"

"Looking for Arthur?"

Mirhian panics. "N-no, Amelia, I just—"

"Mithian don't lie." Amelia rebuts sharply.

"Amelia– o-okay, fine, yes. I was going to Arthur but please," Mithian begs, "you know what Morgana and Odin are planning is wrong—"

Amelia swallows tightly. "I can't let you go."

"Please, Amelia, please. Just let me go." Mithian tearfully begs.

Amelia closes her eyes tightly. "Don't make me."

It's at that moment, Mithian tries to flee again, attempting to dart around her but Amelia quickly enacts the bracelet causing it to burn her skin. Mithian lets out a cry of pain, collapsing onto the floor.

"I can't let you go to Arthur." Amelia reminds her as Mithian whimpers in pain. Amelia tries not to be affected by it.

"You're mistaken. I-I was just..." Mithian sobs.

"If Morgana finds out about this, she'll bury your father alive." Amelia warns. "Don't betray us again. Understand?"

"Yes, yes." Mithian frantically replies. "Please make it stop!"

Amelia stops it and startles when she hears footsteps. She glances over her shoulder to see it's Gwen approaching them.

"Is everything alright?" The ex-maid calls.

Amelia bends down, grasping Mithian by the arms. "Get up. Slowly." She hisses in her ear. Once Mithian is standing, Amelia turns to Gwen, smiling pleasantly. "The Princess was feeling a little faint that's all. We were just getting some air."

"Well, I hope you're feeling better now." Gwen says, concerned.

"Much better. Thank you." Mithian replies softly.

"We won't detain you any further, My Lady. Good night." Amelia says, urging Mithian along.

"Good night. Sleep well." Gwen responds.

As they walk back to the Guest Chambers, Amelia tries desperately to ignore the small whimpers Mithian emits. She can't feel guilty. She can't.

——

The next morning, Arthur, the Knights, Gaius, Merlin, Mithian, Morgana and Amelia prepare to leave in the Courtyard. With their Hilda and Freya disguises back on, Morgana and Amelia struggle to get onto their horses. Amelia is startled when Elyan assists her. In a way she's thankful, she doesn't know what she'd have done if it was Gwaine or even Percival.

Once seated, Amelia's gaze lands on Merlin and Anne as they say goodbye. Another mercy is that Anne isn't coming on this trip nor is Gwen. Amelia doesn't know what she would've done if she spends a long period of time with either of them.

The couple kisses. Anne pulls back and catches eyes with Amelia and frowns. Amelia quickly looks away.

They head off but after a while, the group stops for a break. Amelia sighs heavily, thinking of the struggle she'll face getting down again. You have to love being old.

"Would you like some help?" A very familiar voice asks.

Amelia startles. Oh God, Percival. His gentile face gazes at her. She knows she can't say no so she silently nods. He reaches out his arms, offering. Amelia shakily places hers on top and, while she's trying not to think about how this is the first time in over three years that they've had physical contact, lets Percival guide her off her horse.

"You look familiar." Percival remarks.

Her breath catches as she freezes. "I, I do not know what you mean."

Percival frowns. "Are you sure? Your eyes—"

Amelia quickly pulls away. "We do not know each other."

She hurriedly strides away as quickly as she can. It's all getting a bit much. Amelia tries not to cry but she already feels the tears welling up in her eyes and a few escaping down her cheeks. She quickly wipes them away, swallowing thickly as she tries to gather herself.

——

They don't linger long and head out once more, only stopping when they reach the border just as night falls. They set up camp at an abandoned house. Amelia takes the chance to take a seat as everyone settles down, she's been avoiding Percival's gaze all day and she's exhausted, but is startled when she hears Morgana let out a gasp of pain, slumping against the wall.

"Mor– H-Hilda!" Amelia stumbles as she hurries over to Morgana.

"Gaius!" Merlin yells as he joins her, helping Morgana stand while Amelia anxiously hovers. He gives her a suspicious searching look. Amelia worries he caught her slip up.

Gaius appears next to them, looking at Morgana in concern. "It's alright. Just breathe in. That's it." He encourages.

Morgana follows his instructions and is able to get her breathing under control. "I'm fine."

Amelia frowns in concern. "Are you sure? Maybe their Physician should help you?"

Morgana gives her a small, reassuring smile. "I'm fine, Freya."

"Hilda, if you're unwell you must let Gaius help you." Arthur urges. Everyone has gathered behind him.

Morgana realises she can't get out of this and reluctantly nods. "Well, if you insist."

——

Amelia sits next to Morgana, holding her hand anxiously as Gaius inspects Morgana.

"Well, no obvious problems that I can find. You're in excellent health Hilda." Gaius concludes.

"Thank you, Gaius."

"Better shape than me at any rate." Gaius mutters to himself as he leaves.

"You had me worried there." Amelia says to her sister.

Morgana pats her hand that holds Morgana's other one. "There's no need."

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Amelia questions again.

"It'll be over soon. I'll be fine." Morgana declares.

Amelia doesn't feel reassured. If anything, her throat feels tight. But why? This is what she wants. Isn't it?

——

The next morning, Amelia catches Mithian walking away from the others.

"Going somewhere?" She speaks.

Mithian startles before calmly replying, "I need to wash."

"Do not do anything stupid, Mithian." Amelia warns. "Remember the consequences."

"I need to wash. That's all." Mithian insists.

"Don't be long." Amelia says. She watches suspiciously as the Princess walks away.

——

Had Amelia not caught Mithian earlier, she would've never been suspicious when she watches Mithian asking Merlin to refill her water-skin. Why would she need Merlin to refill her water-skin when she had just been at the river?

Amelia watches as Merlin leaves. She quickly follows, knowing she doesn't have time to discuss with Morgana on what to do. Merlin is a threat and needs to be dealt with.

At first, nothing happens. Merlin just walks over to the river and begins filling Mithian's waterskin but then he glances down the river and freezes. He leaps up and starts to run back to warn the others. Amelia acts by flying him into a tree.

Merlin gasps, turning on his back. He looks at her wide eyed as Amelia strides over to him. She knows she can't give him a chance to use his magic, so she stretches out her hand towards him. "Gesweorc, hine beclyppe!" She brings her fingers closer and closer together causing Merlin to choke and gasp for air just like Uther had, bringing up his hands to his throat.

She begins to think that maybe she should stop, that this could kill him if she doesn't stop. There are two voices in her head. One sounds like Morgana, demanding she finish off their enemy, the thorn in their side but there's another one sounding like Anne, who pleads for Amelia not to kill her husband and that she would never forgive if she does.

But then, thankfully, a voice breaks through. Arthur.

"Merlin?!"

Amelia snaps out of it, quickly dropping her hand. Merlin slumps, blacking out.

She turns to the voice and yells, "Here! He's here."

——

Percival carries Merlin back to the camp. Morgana gives Amelia a searching look as Percival lies Merlin down. Amelia nods and Morgana smirks slightly.

Arthur hurries over, worriedly asking, "What happened?"

"Freya found him." Percival explains.

Everyone turns to Amelia, who nods. "He was down by the river. He must have fallen."

"Gaius?" Arthur calls to the Physician leaning over Merlin, checking him over.

"He's taken a heavy blow to the head." Gaius reports.

"But he'll be alright?"

"He should be fine Sire but there is no telling when he will regain consciousness."

"We can't wait for him. Not if we're to stand a chance at reaching Rodor before Odin's men." Arthur decides. "Gwaine stay here with Merlin and Gaius. The rest of us make for Nemeth."

Amelia sighs in relief. She did it, she stopped Merlin.

Everyone moves out. Morgana slides up to Amelia. "Well done, Sister." She murmurs before moving to grab Mithian, murmuring threats into her ear. Amelia preens slightly, happy she's made her sister proud.

She then glances down to where Merlin lies with Gaius and Gwaine by his side, feeling sorry towards him. Wait, no, she can't, she doesn't.

Then why haven't you told Morgana that Merlin is Emrys or that Anne is Tarian? A voice in her head asks. Because Amelia worries about her reaction when she finds out she has known this whole time. She can't lose her sister.

——

Amelia, Morgana, Arthur, Mithian and the Knights walk in the forest towards the tomb.

"The Tomb lies just east of the river." Mithian reports when they reach a ledge, looking across the rest of the forest.

"We're about to cross the Camelot border into Nemeth." Arthur calls to them all. "This is Odin's land now. Stay alert."

They continue on and after a while, they finally reach the tomb.

"Is that it?" Arthur questions as they stop outside.

"Yes. We should find my father inside." Mithian replies.

"Let's go then." Arthur turns to the group. "Leon, Elyan stand watch with the others. Percival you're with me."

Arthur leaves Leon, Elyan, and the other Knights to stand guard outside the Tomb while Mithian leads him and Percival to where her injured father is hidden. Morgana and Amelia follow them into the dark passages of the cavernous Tomb. It is colder than it had been in the sunlit forest outside, but adrenaline keeps Amelia warm. They are so close.

Mithian pauses, looking back. She hesitates for a moment, but Morgana stares her down. Mithian nods to the opening next to her. "The Burial Chamber lies just ahead. At the end of that tunnel." She tells them.

Arthur walks forward, leading the way. Amelia feels her throat constrict as she and Morgana hover near the entrance, not entering the Chamber as Arthur, Percival and Mithian move inside.

Arthur pauses, frowning when he notices Rodor is nowhere to be seen. "I don't understand. Where's your father?"

"He's not here." Mithian replies shakily.

"Then where is he?"

Mithian's expression is guilt-ridden. "Arthur, I ..."

The sound of several armed men approaching from every direction fills the crypt. Arthur draws his sword, but a score of Odin's men file in through the entrances in all four corners of the Chamber.

Arthur and Percival engage the enemy Soldiers, holding their own for several minutes until they are overpowered by sheer numbers. Both men have been disarmed and are being forcibly held by several of Odin's men. Percival is pinned to the crypt, his arms wrenched behind his back.

Forced to his knees, helpless to break free of the three men holding him, Arthur turns his fury on Mithian. "What wrong have I done you?"

Mithian only shakes her head in response, unable to speak, her eyes anguished. She runs to embrace her grey-haired father who has been turned loose by his captors. He has served his purpose as the assurance of Mithian's cooperation.

"Arthur Pendragon. At last." Comes King Odin's vitriolic voice. "I have waited many years for this moment. You killed my son. You took what was most precious from me and now you will pay the forfeit." The depth of his hatred is evident both in his voice and his eyes.

"And not a moment too soon." Morgana speaks as she and Amelia enter, drawing everyone's attention. "You are not alone in having waited for this moment Odin. Appearances can be deceiving, dear brother."

"Morgana." Arthur whispers brokenly.

Morgana smirks, linking hands with Amelia, who watches the scene with a blank look on her face, which causes Arthur to focus on her. His face slacks in shock as he gazes upon Amelia as she stands next to Morgana. His eyes flicker between the two as it finally dawns on him who Mithian's other faithful maid is.

"Amelia..."

Percival isn't looking at them as he's being pressed down on the table in the middle of the Chamber, but he tenses when Arthur says Amelia's name and tries to fight those holding him down to turn. Amelia is thankful that he doesn't succeed, she doesn't think she could survive him looking at her.

"And now, you will pay the forfeit." Odin declares.

"My father's life. That wasn't enough?"

"No."

"So be it. But understand this Odin, you kill me, and you will have all of Camelot to answer to." Arthur warns.

"Camelot is nothing without it's King." Odin retorts.

Arthur almost scoffs. "Then you don't know my Knights. They will hunt you. And they will find you. And they will not rest until they're done."

"I will deal with your Knights soon enough but now your time has come." Odin declares.

——

Amelia and Morgana have taken off their disguises as they watch and wait. Arthur has been placed in the centre of the Chamber.

Amelia holds her breath as Odin raises his sword, ready to strike when suddenly, without warning, the ground begins to shake. Huge chunks of stone fall as the Tomb disintegrates from the forces rocking it to and fro. Amelia is knocked off her feet like everyone else who is standing. There is only one thought in Amelia's mind. Merlin. He shouldn't have woken this quickly.

Arthur jumps up, wasting no time in divesting Odin of his sword and landing a hard blow to his jaw. Arthur uses the blade to strike at one of the Soldiers before tossing the weapon to Percival who has shaken off his own captors. Amelia squints, trying to see the action but she finds it difficult to see with all the dust falling.

Suddenly, she hears Merlin's voice yell, "Hurry this way!"

Amelia realises that it had come from the entrance they had originally walked through into the Burial Chamber. She moves towards the entrance, ready to catch them when Amelia suddenly feels herself flying backwards. Her back hits the wall and everything goes dark.

——

"Amelia? Amelia? Amelia?!"

Amelia gasps awake. "Wha—"

Crouches in front of her is Morgana, forehead furrowed in concern. She looks around to see that they're in the forest, the Tomb looks mostly destroyed and their band of Saxons lingering nearby.

Morgana sighs in relief. "You're alright, I was worried for a moment."

Amelia smiles softly though lets out a slight groan as Morgana helps her stand. "I'm well Morgana, you need not worry."

Morgana scoffs. "It's not you I worry about. It was Emrys and Tarian. I'm sure of it."

Great, guilt is forming. "Oh? What makes you say that?

"It must have been them that causes the earthquake and flew us into the wall." Morgana reaches out and softly strokes Amelia's cheek. "They could've hurt you."

Oh, God, Amelia feels even worse for lying to her sister now.

"My Ladies, it's time to go." Beroun speaks up.

Amelia is thankful for his interruption. She wants to go back to see her daughter again, it's been too long.

——

(A/N: Trigger warning for suicide from this point onwards)

Vivienne's POV

Vivienne unties her horse, climbing on and kicking its ribs, before the creature sets off in a gallop towards the forest, wanting to get away from Gorlois before he can stop her from rushing out in the pouring rain.

The rain soaks her, soaks her to her bones but she need not care, not now. Not as tears soak her cheeks and sobs engulf her. Sorrow becomes the only sore emotion she can feel.

She is leaving everything behind, nothing can change it. The letter will soon reach her sister; the news will soon reach her husband. She will rid herself of the mess she has made, and the moment she is gone the mess will clear itself up, nothing bad will happen and Morgause, Morgana and Amelia will be safe; that is all that matters.

Vivienne runs in the direction of the rain. Not caring that it is chilling her. Not caring that the droplets are battling against her face, soaking her long hair, as well as her horse's mane. Soon it will all be over.

The daylight simmers away, Vivienne has been riding for hours and that's when she decides to stop. Vivienne clambers down from her horse, slapping its hide causing it to trot off and Vivienne moves to place herself into the shrubbery. This is it.

A dagger swung by her belt, and she withdrew it slowly. Vivienne closes her eyes, shuddering at the thought of the pain she will now bring upon herself.

——

Amelia's POV

One month old Amelia, who lies on a blanket outside her home, looks up as a flock of crows fly across the sky. Odd.

A messenger comes riding up, handing a letter to Helen (her supposed mother), who has leaped up out of her chair. She hears Helen screaming her husband's name. Sobbing and crying over Queen Ygraine's early labour induced by the shock of hearing of her sister, Vivienne's, death which led to her own untimely demise.

She doesn't know what she's just lost.

——

A/N: There it is! Odin is Amelia's father which means the son Arthur killed is Amelia's half-brother!

I haven't written a scene like the one at the end before. I hope it wasn't too much for anyone.

I don't know whether you noticed the fact that I made Vivienne left-handed like Amelia is. I haven't made loads of references to Amelia being left-handed (like I am) but the odd few so I think it's nice that she and her mother have that similarity other than their magic.

Also, the ending is a call back to the opening of chapter 3.

Please leave comments on how you're enjoying this story and what you think.

[system-of-a-feather]

Really glad XIV has found something he likes so much just for the sake of liking it, it's a wonderful feeling. - Green from @reimeichan

For REAL though.

Like I literally can count the things I experience regular positive affect for on my hand, actually I'll go ahead and do it now 1) The system, specifically Riku who is the yin to my yang 2) Martial arts and violence 3) The guitar / guitar music 4) Communism and 5) chewing things.

1, 2, and 4 inherently tie to trauma, 2,3 and 5 are solely because they are the easiest sensory de-escalators. #3 I think I'd still like even if I didn't need something to quickly calm me / defuse me / give me a non-destructive outlet; but I really really don't think I'd love it even remotely as much if it didn't serve as one of the few relatively reliable things that can take me out of an aggressive fit and/or fight response.

And like honestly? Beyond that, that's it. I have a good relationship with our fiance, but my attachment is fucked and my feelings towards relationships as a result are a lot more transactional than not. I like his presence, and I like him and what he brings into our life, but as it is I don't think I could in true honesty say that I like him for the sake that I like him. Kinda shitty thing to say, but he's aware on how this be for me and its a work in progress.

But to actually have this mysterious thing I love and get positive emotions and care for.... for little more than it being an aesthetic and a mood and honestly just having a great character design / combat design / sound design?? Just for all those arbitrary reasons??? It's pretty nice honestly and like, I am definitely "overplaying" / leaning far far into the joy this gives me, I could easily like disengage from it because I really don't get caught up naturally in positive emotions most of the time; but like no joke its a major sign of healing for me that I **can** experience this affect so I see absolutely no reason that I should mute it at all.

Plus anyways, I live hard by the rule in life that I exist to enjoy and live happy with myself and live my most genuine life as myself that I can and anyone who has an issue with that can get the fuck out and leave since I quite frankly don't have time for people that want to stifle me or make me change for them. I intend to get better and I intend to fix a lot of my toxic and antisocial issues, but that is for myself. If they can't see the vision of where I'm going in life and/or see it and don't like it, that's up to them.

If me never shutting the fuck up about Vergil and Bury the Light is something that would drive someone away, then good riddance, saves me time on a waste of skin, space, and breath.

But I digress, I can experience a consistent unadultered positive feeling towards something that isn't transaction / function driven and so I'm gonna sit here and make Riku scream about Vergil being around every corner cause the algorithms on everything know what I want to see.

It's a good time for me and its a funny time for them. Anyone upset with that can suck it to be quite frank

-XIV

[elusive---ivory]

Tempt Me - 4

Abbe de Coulmier x Reader, Abbe de Coulmier x Oc

WARNING: VIOLENCE/SEXUAL ASSAULT

Woop woop, I'm on a roll.

Eléonore woke up in her secluded room. As her vision slowly came back, she could hear arguing outside her door.

"That woman is dangerous. She is a threat to others in Charenton." The doctor yelled.

"It was self defense. Madeline, the laundress, saw the event, and I believe that her judgement is true." Abbe refuted back.

"Say what you will, Monsieur Abbe, but this woman should not be taken lightly. You saw the state of that inmate. Do all that you can that this doesn't happen again." Dr. Royer-Collard warned.

Abbe nodded in compliance.

Eléonore heard footsteps walk away. As Abbe was walking away from her room, Eléonore called out to him.

"Abbe, I'm sorry." He turned his head, walking back towards the door.

"Eléonore, are you alright?" Abbe whispered.

"What I did I do?" She whimpered. Eléonore recollection of last night was a blur. All she remembered was that she was watching a very horrendous play written by the Marquis.

"You don't remember anything?" Abbe's eyes were held with concern.

She shook her head. "No, I don't remember a thing. Oh god, I've done something terrible." Eléonore cried.

"No, no, Eléonore. It's alright, my dear." Abbe comforted her through the door. Abbe felt a sense of regret as he heard Eléonore's cries. He gently opened her door, and Eléonore slumped into Abbe's arms.

"Abbe, please forgive whatever terrible things I've done." She sobbed into his chest.

Abbe held Eléonore close to his chest. Her sobs began to soften. Abbe lifted up Eléonore's chin. She looked up at him with fear and sadness in her eyes. She held the priest captive in her eyes. Her lips quivered. Her body shook. Eléonore was fragile in Abbe's arms.

He had an urge to kiss Eléonore, hold her, and caress, but she tempting him. She was a temptress. A woman with no bounds, yet Abbe held her close.

"Oh, Eléonore. You're a damaged child." Abbe whispered.

Without a second thought, Eléonore grabbed Abbe's face, kissing him on the lips.

Abbe was stunned. He fought with himself for a brief moment, knowing if he gave into the kiss it would be the end for him. He pushed Eléonore back and gasped for air.

"I'm sorry." Eléonore whispered, stepped back from Abbe.

"No, Eléonore, there are actions we can't fulfill. No matter how much we want to. I love you, Eléonore, but I must give my entire being to God." Abbe explained.

"I love you more than you can imagine, Abbe. Ever since you saved me from death, you've brought me comfort and companionship. If God didn't want you to love, is your God really true?" Eléonore's eyes stared up into the Abbe's, full of need and desperation.

Abbe's face went white. "Eléonore, please." He begged.

She turned away from him, coldly. "That's the cruelest fate, isn't it? The life of a priest. A life without any affection of a love. To only love God. An entity so selfish that it condemns its followers to a life of solitude."

Abbe sighed, frustrated. "I have other patients to attend to. I suggest you should go to the cathedral more often. If you have a confession, I am always there. Remember, Eléonore, I am your friend."

"I don't have friends." Eléonore glared at Abbe. Her blue eyes pierced his soul.

Abbe felt guilt as he walked out of Eléonore's chamber room. He felt regret seed deep within his skin. Abbe wanted to love Eléonore. He wanted to feel her fair skin against her lips, taste her lips, give into her scent. The more he thought about her, the more he desired Eléonore more.

After days of isolation, Eléonore was granted free access outside of her room. As she was wandering down the halls of Charenton, Eléonore noticed the guards hauling furniture down the hall.

Eléonore saw the Marquis running frantically down the hall. He grabbed Eléonore by the arms, pinning her against the wall.

"Eléonore, my sweet. They're taking all my things, all my furniture, and my wine." The Marquis growled.

"What do you want me to do about it? This is all on you." Eléonore pushed him back.

"Convince your lover, The Abbe, to stop stripping my room bare. I can't handle it. I need a quill. I am in need to write." The Marquis begged.

Eléonore gritted her teeth. "Not my problem, Marquis." She hissed.

Abbe sprinted down the hall, trying to draw the Marquis, back into his room.

The Marquis grabbed Eléonore's face, kissing her aggressively.

Eléonore didn't kiss back. She punched the Marquis hard.

Abbe's eyes widened as the Marquis leaned in to another kiss.

"Stop it, Marquis," Abbe yelled, "unhand her."

The Marquis glared. "You'd like that, wouldn't you. So you can ravage her yourself. You wish you had her." Marquis hand when under Eléonore dress. "Oh no. You can't do that. You're chasity vows keep you from that. Looks like she's all mine."

The Marquis grinned, nastily. Eléonore spat in the Marquis face. He grabbed onto her neck, choking her until tears came out of her eyes.

"No." Abbe yelled.

Abbe rushed over, pulling the Marquis off of Eléonore's neck. She fell to the ground coughing and gasping for air. Abbe grabbed the Marquis by the collar throwing him to the wall.

"How are you lay your hands on her like that? Have you no decency?" Abbe growled.

The Marquis chuckled, meanly. "You're already under her spell."

Abbe let go of Marquis, just before the guards came and took him away. Abbe helped Eléonore off the ground. "Let's go to the infirmary."

Taglist: @princessgeekface, @darknessisafriend, @mama-mischief, @memory-mortis, @jokerflecker, @joker-flecked-me, @joaquinphoenixlover

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[secular-jew]

Zio Upbringings and Kvetchings in the Trumpian era

Zio Upbringings and Kvetchings in the Trumpian era.

I'm an American Jew who has does not suffer from moral wavering. I'm also an American Reform Jew that is neither Kashrut nor Kosher-observant.

My synagogue growing up was located in the the Boston suburbs, nestled amidst Protestant communities and dotted with Jews who somehow landed a port shy of Ellis Island. Attended shul almost exclusively during important Holidays and Hebrew school weekends through Bar-Mitvah.

At the age of 10, I remember the start to the Soviet-armament-supplied multilateral Arab-state war against Israel, a Pearl-Harbor style event lasting three harrowing weeks and almost wiping Israel off the map.

Word spread fast to reach North American Jews some 5,500 miles (8,800 kms) to the west. I remember hearing the tragic news Saturday morning during Yom Kippur services. The attack occupied 100% of the Sermon delivered by our Rabbi, who was known as Moses because he actually looked and spoke like Moses. He worried aloud that this could portend the end of our homeland, but concluded that the spark of Zionism was eternal: something that could never be extinguished by modern would-be colonizers. This thought that resonated deeply inside my soul.

This was thankfully a war that Israel survived, but was also a battle that Golda Meir ultimately lost, as she resigned just 1 month following her Labor Party's 1974 election win. Remember her final words as Israel's leader: "I have reached the end of my road."

My first physical intersection with Israel occurred in my late teens and early 20's, when I visited extensively what was the modern chapter of an 4,000-year old ancient Jewish story. Exploring 1979-1982 Israel meant stints to some obvious places; Jerusalem, Tel-Aviv, Haifa, Jaffa, Tiberius, and Eilat, Sinai (including a climb up/down Mt Sinai), the northern Golan Heights, the donut-hole known as Hebron, and the Dome of the Rock, the Jew's oldest extant relic. This is the place where Abraham is said to submitted to God's request that he sacrifice his son. Strange how this shrine has now submitted to a colonialist Islamic overlord.

Then came the Kibbutz experience, which meant living the communal lifestyle in Lower Galilee, sleeping on cots in the international guest quarters, up at 4:30am transported out to the fields, and picking pears until it got so hot, you felt like you were standing on the side of the sun.

All well worth the effort as the work day ended around lunch, at which point, we ate a lot of hummus and squeezed copious quantities of ruby-red Israeli grapefruits chilling in large stainless steel refrigerators. After lunch, we cooled down in the community pool, and in the evenings, hung with our Israeli contemporaries while listening to Bob Marley or the Doors, and smoking hashish for the first time. These are two experiences that transcended culture. I felt so at home, and even gained a Sabra girlfriend by the name of Rachel רָחֵל‎ (pictured).

In short, what I considered to be a typical Reform Jewish-American upbringing. (Or American-Jewish?)

Fast forward to present political leanings. Raised a JFK-liberal (liberal in its true meaning; rooted in idea-tolerance and acceptance of diverse views).

As a middle-schooler, I recollect being enamored by McGovern, although not sure exactly how or why. We were all indoctrinated into believing Nixon (one of the greatest friends to Israel, not something I had any clue about) was innately evil. Looking back at that period now, my political stylings appear to have been crafted mainly by academia, the news media, and my peers - all who seemed driven by a sanitized, 1980's version of TDS that could have been called: 'Nixon Derangement Syndrome.'

Once legal age, I was a 'de rigeur' Democrat, which thankfully lasted only a few short minutes. Not able to cast a vote in the 1976 election, I remember nonetheless favoring Jimmy Carter, a folksy down-to-earth ex-peanut-farmer who seemed very popular in the state of Massachusetts where I grew up. Carter morphed into nothing less than a clueless and spineless "progressive" who oversaw the dismantling of principled American leadership.

In high school, a few of us in the dormitory got to stay up late every night to watch "The Iran Crisis–America Held Hostage: Day "xxx" (where xxx represented the number of days that Iranians held the occupants of our U.S. Embassy hostage). The only TV in the building was located in the dorm-masters living room. I watched sitting next to my hall-mate Abdullah Hussein, the same person who became the King of Jordan and who sits on the Hashemite apartheid throne today. We had many discussions in which I defended Israel and lauded her accomplishments in defeating Arab imperialism, while Abdullah retorted with accusations of Jewish occupation and bloodlust at Deir Yassin. I did not have enough knowledge of the incident or of earlier examples of Arab genocide (such as the Hebron massacre and other Jewish genocides) to counter-punch effectively.

During my college years, I tended towards Democrat "moral" policies and candidates, until that goofy Georgian came along. At first, I naively admired Carter's straightforward folksy persona. But eventually, the President’s peanut incompetence drove me to #WalkAway from a party-lone Democrat.

I was proud of myself for making an independent decision (pun intended) and have little idea if any of my peers followed suit, but suffice to say, I have voted forcefully against Democrats up and down the ticket pretty much ever since, with a few exceptions. I consider Trump an pragmatic Independent masquerading as a Republican, not dissimilar to Democrat Bloomberg - who as Mayor of NYC masqueraded as a Republican.

Much as my odium for Carter drove me to #Jexit and advocate for Reagan, my contempt for Obama's virulently anti-America values drove me to become a self-assertive 'deplorable.' Between Reagan and Trump, every other voting-booth decision appeared to present itself as largely a Hobson's choice between a lesser of two evils.

Although Trump possesses virtually no tact and represents the antithesis of my personal style, I appreciate the skill and speed with which he accomplishes things, from building tall luxury residential condos -- to creating a global brand, to the refurbishment of Wolman's Rink in Central Park. His support of Israel, unlike his predecessors, is legion, documented, and consistent. Trump not only moved the Embassy to its rightful place, not only installed an incredible Ambassador, not only praises Israel at every turn, he constantly rebukes Israel's enemies (who should be everyone's enemies). I love that Israel renamed the Golan Heights in his honor. It's almost better than getting the Rec Room in the Ft. Lauderdale condo named after someone rich in your extended family.

Today? There's no political party for me. The Democrats are a shrill hodgepodge of looney-tunes and ill-tolerant blabbermouths who are given way too much airtime on CNN and what I now call MSLSD (aka, MSDNC).

In terms of policy, On social issues like marriage equality, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Liberal. On local/national fiscal issues, I'm a decided Conservative. On international affairs, I'm a Hawk who majored in International Relations while attending Sciences-Po in Paris (an excuse to massively inhale croque-monsieurs) and firmly believe the US had relevant ethical global leadership responsibilities, a mantle given up by Europe. This meant leading from the front, not from behind. My philosophy became characterized by the notion that appeasement of tyrannies led by autocrats or theocrats was a policy doomed to failure, proven again and again throughout every civilization. Appeasement in the face of aggression has led to more death and destruction, and more insecurity, not less.

It's becoming evident, sadly, that history promises to repeat. Why? This seems to happen in a matter of a few generations. Case in point: Millennials (aka snowflakes) who are too far removed from the trauma of warfare to comprehend evil. Millennials steeped and indoctrinated in re-written and falsified academic narratives. Millennials who virtue signal intolerantly through the lens of victimization. The generation that seems to have lost a sense of moral courage and severed any emotional ties to the 'never-forget' tragedies that are meant to not be forgotten.

My thoughts on our homeland:

I'm a devout 2-state (Israel-Jordan) Zionist as per the 1917 Balfour Declaration and affirmed by the 1920 San Remo Conference (attended by Chaim Weizmann). I see Israel as an inherently Jewish state in its DNA, but which is secular in its jurisprudence.

Next year in Jerusalem.

[istgimamess]

Label: sm entertainment

Stage name: bella (because you're beautiful~)

Debut year: 2015 (3 yrs active)

Debut concept: aggressive bubblegum synth, dance heavy, vocal heavy, bright, pop!

Number of members: 4

Group name: strawberry jam (sj)

Fandom name: jammers

Position: main vocal, visual, dance line

Male bestie: Jongin (EXO)

How you meet: you are a hard worker, always putting your best foot forward, giving it your all; putting all your effort into anything you do! Which is such a great quality, you're told! Lord knows, you've benefited from that personality trait thousands of times, mostly in your career and personal relationships! However, alot of the time, it tends to have a negative effect! Mainly on your health! You put so much effort into whatever you're working on at the moment: new choreography, new music etc. that you tend to neglect your personal health! This lands you in the hospital alot; its not ideal, but you can't complain, your doctor is probably your favorite! Which is where you end up meeting (*cough*...fighting with) Jongin! You had a really important public appearance coming up, a couple of variety shows and another comeback all scheduled within a weeks time; and you knew your health wasn't at its prime, so you were basically in mental panic mode! You were hoping to get in and out of your check up as fast as possible, because you had things to do! Long story short, that wasn't happening! You ended up sticking your head in to the doctors office, to confront the patient before you! Which happened to be Jongin! "Hi! Yeah, sorry! Could you, I don't know, hurry up!? I've aged quite drastically since being here.." "He's my doctor and I was here first!" "Yeah, well he likes me better!" After a few more minutes of back and forth, a kindergarten-like tantrum and some overdramatic whining on both of your parts, you were left by your very flustered doctor to "..Work things out!.." You quickly end up bonding over your mutual lack of priority when it comes to your health, your whiney childlike mannerisms when you're sick or hungry and a love for the theater! He ends up becoming one of your best friends and you're almost always together! You're both quite determined and hardworking, both tending to over work yourselves and this is usually the cause for most of your fights: scolding eachother for not prioritizing your health! He ends up worrying about your health more than he does his, and vice versa! But you're constantly supporting eachother in anything you pursue! "Jongin, I heard Bella from Strawberry Jam is your best friend, is that true!?" "Yeah, she's my best friend!" "Cool! I also heard she is the biggest EXO supporter, is that right!?" "Yes, she is! I made a joke the other day about her leaving music to work for EXO and help us promote our new album!" "Really!? What did she say!?" "It was so funny, she took the album and walked over to the street corner and just stood there like this...(^ gif ^)..I couldn't stop laughing!" Your friendship is really goals!

Female bestie: Jennie (Blackpink)

How you meet: you love singing and you love theatrics but sometimes you feel like dancing and choreography, in general, can be very confusing and frustrating! So you decided to take some dance classes on the side, for some extra practice! That's how you meet Jennie, through a friend of a friend! One day after class, you accidently trip over her bag and take her down in a mess of legs, elbows and sweat! "Oh my god- I'm so sorry!...Ouch! Sorry! Yikes- are you okay!?" "Yes, of course! I'm clearly living the dream!" "Oh, well...glad I could help you do that then..." you stared at eachother for a few beats of silence, still sprawled out on the floor, and then busted out laughing! You ended up attached at the hip! It's an inside joke that you were split at birth and that you're actually twins; that's how similar your personalities are and your sense of humor! You're both really sarcastic and it's 100x worse when you're together! The fans love it! And despite how goofy and silly you both are when you're together, everyone can tell you both care about eachother immensely! You're always supporting eachother and you're always both genuinely happy for eachothers successes! She calls herself your "only fan!" And she lives up to that name! "Jennie! Did you hear yet!? Strawberry Jams song 'Pink' has hit the Billboard charts!" "..(^ gif ^)..What!? Seriously!?! I have to call Bella!!..." Such a cute friendship!

Group bestie: NCT OT18

How you meet: this probably, most definitely was the weirdest encounter you've ever had! You love to skateboard; you wouldn't say you're that great at it, I mean, you're no Tony hawk! But it is a hobby of yours! And when you have a stressful, busy day, full of dance practices and studio visits- you like to sneak out in the middle of the night, when the streets are empty, go down to the local park and skate to de-stress a bit! It's kind of like your secret rendezvous self-care session! Not even your group members know about it! The park, Seoul in general, is usually dead with no soul in sight at this time of night! Which is why you're so startled when one second you're minding your own business, practicing an inward heel flip and the next second you're surrounded by a bunch of guys who look like they've just stepped straight out of an Avril Lavigne MV! It startles you so much you trip backwards over your board and land flat on your back! You say about every curse word in every language you know, on the way down! "Oh my god! I told you we would scare her!" "If anybody scared her, it was you with that stupid pedo face!" "That's so rude! Taeyong, tell him that was rude!" "I mean..I did tell you to shave this morning.." "Yeah, you kind of look like an asian yeti.." "Or a pedophile, definitely a pedophile.." "Seriously?! Is this attack necessary!?? I mean-" "Umm, so sorry, pedi-yeti and friends..could you possibly, I don't know...help me up!?" They ended up hauling you up and bombarding you with questions left and right! Questions about your skateboard, questions about your skating technique etc etc. The more they asked, the more you answered and the more you answered, the more they asked! It was pretty much down hill from there! But it's all good, they quickly became some of your biggest supporters and closest friends! They always cheer for you the loudest at award shows! And sometimes, Taeyong or Ten, will send you little videos and clips (with the funniest captions) they filmed, on the down low, of the rest of the members singing and dancing to your music, unaware the were being filmed! "..[Bella, your music is hurting innocent bystanders! RIP Jeno]..(^ gif ^).." They're such a mess and it's the cutest!

Boyfriend: Taehyung (BTS)

Ship name(s): tella, bae couple, baehyung

How you meet: the way you 'officially' meet is kind of funny! And the time and location is a bit obscure! Anytime someone asks him when and where you met, he says Italy in June! You say it was definitely paris, late July! Both of you would be right and wrong! You love traveling and any time you have the opportunity, you jump on it! This is no secret! You first noticed him in Paris, he first noticed you in Italy, you both noticed eachother in Chicago! By the time you ended up back in the Incheon International Airport - you were 98.7% positive you had picked up a stalker abroad! "Are you following me!?" "I was going to ask you the same thing!" "Well I asked you first, so answer!" "I don't take demands from potential stalkers!" Some threats to call the police and a couple defensive hand gestures later, you eventually both settled on fate being the reason you've bumped into eachother over and over again! As cheesy as it might sound! You quickly bond over your artistic and creative sides, and a strong love for traveling and then there is no going back! He's one of your biggest supporters and you both often credit eachother as being an inspiration and muse! You eventually, after realizing how important and serious your relationship was becoming, went public! You figured your close friends and family would be the most supportive, and they were, but in actuality it was the fans that became your biggest supporters! "Tae-oppa!! Over here!! Taehyung-oppa!! You and Bella-unnie are the cutest couple ever!! I will always support you!!" "...(^ gif ^)..." It's so heartwarming!

Biggest fan: your biggest fan is probably Junhoe from IKON! He's always covering your songs, he even covers the songs you cover! He says it's only because he wants to prove he can harmonize with you, always calling you out in interviews hoping to get the chance to meet you and collaborate! "Bella from Strawberry Jam is my favorite! She has the best voice, even better than me! And she has good taste in music, I would love to collaborate with her if given the chance!" He's always showing support for your comebacks as well and even your solo projects; watching every drama and CF you do and streaming your music, constantly singing along with you at the top of his lungs! He's a dedicated and loyal fan and he's pretty loud and proud about it! So much, that it's even a running joke in his group that he would leave the rest of the members for even just a chance to perform with you! Well, it's a joke to them! Him, not so much! "Junhoe! I heard that you're a huge fan of Bella from Strawberry Jam, is that true!?" "Yes! She is my favorite singer!" "Oh really!? I heard that you would leave IKON without a second thought, if she ever wanted to perform with you!" "Yes, I would! In a heartbeat!" "What the-...you answered that so fast! You would really leave us, huh!?" "Yep!.." "...(^ gif ^)..." It's pretty funny!

Scandal: it's really no secret you have been trying to break out into the acting industry for a while, and make that cross over from idol to actress - auditioning and taking acting classes and workshops in your spare time! It's also no secret that you're good long time friends with Jaebum from GOT7! You've know eachother since before your debut and he's one of your closest friends, almost family! He's always helping you practice and reading scripts with you to help prepare you for auditions, giving you advice and direction on characters! So it's really not shocking when dispatch comes out with photographs of you two, on multiple days, coming out of your apartment and/or restaurants! What is a bit shocking is the headlines that are attached to those photos! "Strawberry Jams Bella and GOT7s Jaebum! Are they together!?" "Does GOT7s Jaebum have a sweet tooth for Strawberry Jam!? New couple alert!" It's ridiculous! "Are they serious!? A sweet tooth!? Who is writing this mush!?" "What I don't understand is how they got us mixed up!? I mean, I'm clearly the more desirable one in this relationship.." "Are you trying to make me throw up, or does that just come naturally when looking at your face?" "I'm a masterpiece and you are blessed to be in my presence.." What a dork!

Other activities: it's no secret you live for the dramatics, and the theatre is almost like your second home! So when SM suggested you audition for a couple of upcoming dramas, you jumped on the opportunity! And it was the best thing you could've possibly done! You ended up, not only booking a role, but booking a lead! You got to act along Seo Kang Joon (^ gif ^) who is the sweetest and most talented! You made new life long friends, won a couple of awards and gained a whole new following! Sure, they made you dye your hair a darker shade a red and teased you a bit on set about your sense of humor, but it was totally worth it! "It was so fun! And the hair color choice is actually kind of growing on me!" "Oh really!? Quickly, say that again into the camera! In 10 years when you're bald, I want proof that you were once satisfied..." "JB, I will literally push you off of this rooftop..." You didn't, but you were close to it!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

@suchqt here is your idol ship~ thanks so much for the request and I hope you like it! 😅 Let me know what you think!

[thelightfluxtastic]

Unironically, I credit a lot of my current stances/opinions/feelings toward media and fandom to the fact that my very first fandom (as in, actually engaging with other fans and fan discussions and content) was the Vampire Chronicles, when I was just entering my teens. Truly, like-

Shipping?

I'm not saying it didn't happen, but in the communities I came up in (primarily the Interview with the Vampire IMDB forum) there were no shipping wars. Not because it was Pure and Idyllic and everyone was just so nice, but because every ship was canon anyway. These were vampires with centuries of time. Lestat had lifetimes in which to love Nicolas and Louis. Louis could spend decades doing the Domestic Household thing with Lestat and Claudia, then spend 50 years on museum dates with Armand. People had their own favorites based on taste and preference, but there was little to no hostility between ships. It would have been kind of pointless- multishipping was canon. What would be the purpose of shooting down a ship in your own armada?

Dark content?

If the coven of the articulate was a massive polycule, it was a messy one. These were still, fundamentally, vampires! If an evening meal was a murderous affair, why should relationships be all roses? It was a series that looked one in the eye and said "Yes, Louis set Lestat on fire once. Yes, they are soulmates. What are you going to do about it?" I think it...stretched my brain in interesting ways. To be in a fandom where it was accepted that, for example, Armand and Lestat both violently hated each other and were passionately attracted to one another. That accepting both did not mean romanticizing the time Armand pushed Lestat off a roof, nor assuming that Lestat was lying, in denial, or wrong when he claimed Armand as his loved one. Simply to hold both states as true at the same time, embracing the intensity of the emotion in all its valences. Nor was this limited to character romances and shipping! These were gothic characters with Big Emotions that often got expressed in extravagant ways. My personal favorite character is still Nicolas de Lenfent, someone whose story role is to be deeply depressed and self-destructive as terrible things happen to him constantly. Every major trigger I can think of appears in these books eventually. I almost definitely encountered things I was too young to fully process when I read these books. But you know what I did when that happened? Went to my parents, or friends, or other fandom folks and talked through it. (Ironically, due to the atypical rules I internalized, I was far more bothered by the swear words as a teen than the blood and murder). The dark content in the books didn't scar me (in some cases the opposite- it gave me words and poetic expressions for Scary Thoughts and Big Feelings), and are still dear to me years later. As I've seen others express, what harmed me as a teen was mundane bullying, not dark media.

Author and Fanon?

Anne Rice has a reputation in fandom. She is the origin of those "Do not own the characters" fanfic disclaimers for her aggressive anti-fanon policies. And that's not getting into her receiving less editing as the series continued, and what ended up being the 'Vampire Crackicles'. I honestly think it was healthy for my adolescent brain to be in a fandom where every individual had a personal line in the sand for what they considered canon (and that was ok/accepted). I think it lended a flexibility toward headcanons as well as critical lenses of the text. Additionally, it was public knowledge how much Rice's own life experiences and beliefs influenced the text. Yes, there's the grief element to Claudia in IWTV. There's also the visible rollercoaster of her religious beliefs, from Memnoch to the Jesus series. So it wasn't a surprise or shift in going from "reading the text as a pure text" to "realizing the influence of the politics and perspective of the author" as I feel often happens. The trajectory of the books only fully made sense in context of the author and external influences. One could chose to ignore those, or actively take an interpretation different than the intended one, etc. (fandom is transformative, after all!) but it was an active knowledge and choice.

[racxnteur]

1 - heya hope it's ok to message you about this (cw for mental health stigma and recovery rhetoric) I've folowed your old blog for a long ass time and I'm always amazed at how articulate and intelligent you are so i was wondering if you could help me out (if you agree with my thoughts) or maybe enlighten me? dunno but here's the thing right? i have a bunch of comorbid shit that likes nesting in my brain (personality disorder, anxiety disorders, among other fun friends) and i find the idea (cont)

2 (cont) people have both in the medical industry and in the world in general that “i will one day be normal/recover” is really toxic and unhelpful? from professionals telling me that ocd can be fixed by facing my intrusive thoughts head on and friends telling me they think i’m recovering from bipolar it’s just so fucking bizarre and discouraging because that’s not how this works? i do believe its important to learn to cope with shit and if recovery is an option then yay but i really (cont)

3 (cont) i really don’t think learning to deal with your symptoms is the same as being cured and i find those discourses super invalidating. am i only allowed to exist in the world if i’m one day going to be normal? is it not ok for me to just be me but maybe not having such a hard time? whenever i see things about recovery from most of my shit it’s always from nt doctors, never “cured” people and i feel like they just dont understand and i was hoping you would =x sorry to bother you

You’re not a bother at all! I’m sorry it took so long for me to answer this, as well; it’s been a very busy semester for a variety of reasons, many of which also have to do with illness and mental health and comorbidity. 

First off, I do understand, and I agree completely.  There is a difficulty where one backlash against the professed “romanticization” of mental illness is an over-aggressive ideology of recovery/health.  The idea of actively seeking to encourage one’s health and to try and improve one’s state is understandable and positive to an extent, but it is not all-inclusive; it fails to acknowledge in its precepts two things:

(a) not all conditions can be cured or recovered from; and

(b) to truly advocate for the disabled and/or mentally ill, we must challenge and defy the idea that a neurodivergent person’s life, for instance, is inherently less valuable or desirable than a neurotypical person’s.  That is, “health”—as it is equivocated to normalcy and function that matches with what we perceive culturally to be acceptable and desirable—is not more important than happiness, contentment, or a fulfilling life. 

Sometimes it’s hard for people from an outside perspective to understand this, because mental illnesses, disorders, et cetera (and the same holds true for the physical) are viewed as things that make life more difficult.  If this is a defect or disorder, after all – if it’s something that causes struggles and makes someone need accommodation – why wouldn’t they want to be better?  What people fail to recognize is that in many cases, especially in the case of more long-term or pervasive disorders, the difficulty lies not inherently in the experience but rather in the conflict between one’s experience and the structure of the world. 

Take ADHD, for instance.  It’s not a mental illness, but it does have to do with the brain, so roll with me here.  ADHD and other neurodevelopmental disorders result in a different way of thinking and processing.  These can have their own strengths – creativity, hyperfocus, adaptability, et cetera.  But due to that different processing style, there are conflicts with what the structure of the workforce expects, such as freedom from distractibility, accurate timekeeping, a linear process, et cetera.  Yet in a different environment or structure, an ADHD person might excel.  The way a neurodivergent person struggles is not always due to their condition.

Of course, that argument itself is limited because it doesn’t address the other side of things – stuff like anxiety or depression or other inherently troubling mental illnesses that are rather objectively detrimental.  Here, it seems really hard for people to understand why someone wouldn’t want to focus on being “cured.”  I think in this case what people fail to consider is both the reality / likelihood of that happening, and the toll it can take to try and “fix” oneself all the time.  A lot of times there’s no solution to a disorder or condition, and certainly not an easy one.  Medication can help manage some things, but not all, and comes with its own array of limitations and side effects.  And to change one’s own brain processes is a tremendous task, especially if the goal is to totally eliminate every trace of disfunction. 

Everyone has flaws.  We can’t cure all of them and become perfect people; it’s just unrealistic.  And no one should be expected to, either – we shouldn’t have to be perfect representations of health and self-actualization in order to count as whole and to consider our lives valuable.  I like what you said about “am i only allowed to exist in the world if i’m one day going to be normal?” because I think that’s a well-put summation of how it feels to be told your illness is only okay because one day it will be gone.  That you’re only allowed to be sick or different temporarily.  I think a lot more emphasis ought to be put on finding ways to live a full life and be happy without the prerequisite of a cure. 

There’s a post here that I really like which talks about people adapting to their symptoms and making their life accommodating for their issues rather than try to forcibly reroute what happens in their brain.  I think it’s a great demonstration of how people can have fulfilling and valuable lives without having to adhere to a certain idea of being cured, fixed, or normal.  I think it touches on some of the sentiments you’re talking about.

And like that post said, and like you said, and like I will also say, there is a place for recovery.  In some situations, that’s a necessary goal.  There is a place for treatment.  There is a role for, and a value in, aiming to “get better.”  But it is not universal, it is not end-all be-all, and it is often not as complete as people think it is.  Sometimes “better” just means “okay enough,” not “cured.”  And there’s nothing wrong with being “okay enough.”  You don’t have to want to be neurotypical in order to be valid, and you’re not inherently unhealthy or romanticizing just because you are comfortable living with and coping with illnesses or conditions rather than devoting all of one’s hopes to a distant or impossible “cure.” 

Anyway this got rather long and I think most of it is not really new information, but I hope this helps you feel validated and maybe helps someone else look at mental health in a different way.  In the meantime, I hope you can keep on living your best life however that looks for you. :)

[dirtangeldean]

in the spirit of the post-mercury retrograde shadow, the version going around is the one with the typos, but i found the first, one and only, misinterpretation in less than 100 notes since @sp-ac-ep-re-si-de-nt cosigned it. in that same spirit, i'm going to assume the 14 other notes received by the person cosigned,@westernwoodblogs, was not an instigation so i'm asking anyone who sees this to move in a similar spirit. i just would rather have this version without the typos circulated.

that said, this is the type of tag chunk that prompts the op to over explain and over disclose so feel free to ignore. also i'm going to take bait again and re-disclose that i'm trans (tme), Black, and allied/in solidarity with Black women.

also with that former acknowledgment in mind, i'm going to move with the intent of giving clarity and not the intent to manufacture conflict bc that's dull. i'm always down for being inquisitive rather than accusatory but that's not everyone's schtick. [long post, rest under cut]

as much as this is very interesting spin on what angelsaxis mentions happens in fandom, i'm going to address this with grace bc i don't intend to argue or over-engage (or engage at all after this). plus you disclosed you're Black (some people be lying but i'm going to take you on that and consider it like we're vaguely similar. but just for followers/viewership, i hope it's clear not all Black people share similar politic/praxis; etc). all that said, we ask people to ignore tone a lot and i'll do that but you was doing too much, not even gon' hold you. i got all those other notes from you after you reblogged this and my first thought was 'why are you still here fr?'

anyway, i'll just explain what i mean. actually before that, i'm still gonna preface it with this: here in these very tags there is an acknowledgment that it does happen. which was my only point that did not have or need the implication you put forth: white people do some times masculinize and over-masculinize Black women in fandom, writ large.

...and then there is a strawman with a fabricated implication that doesn't have anything in what i wrote to substantiate it. so now i'm passive aggressively tasked to explain something far from the point of what i initially wrote.

let's say i grant that the wording is "off" you'll also see on my blog that i, too, have headcanoned trans!cassie bc it is okay, especially coming from other Black folks or other trans folks of color or other black trans folks. i have literally reblogged post with trans!cassie headcanons specifically without any pushback on this blog, it was only after observation of how that headcanon circulates on the dash and other spaces (servers; etc) that i made this observation.

the reason i know people single out cassie for this in a different way is because it looks different from the way other black women characters are headcanon'ed, in my observation (let's take into consideration i have not seen every post or pocket of spn tumblr or spn discord bc its' true, i havent'). obviously, cassie is still a woman if she is trans or cis. that is not the point.

patience does not get the same treatment. stevie does not get the same treatment. missouri does not get the same treatment. even billie, who i am also okay(and even strongly encourage) with a trans!hc, do not get the same treatment. none of them get the same treatment to my knowledge.

and i'd actually be okay with patience and missouri were headcanoned to the same degree given i firmly believe the indigenous (also african antiquity) understanding that trans people are divine and both mosely women had psychic gifts, but they are not.

anyway just to pre-empt any other weird replies, people also do not always headcanon cassie as trans with a trans!dean so it's not always t4t but again, i have also shipped t4t deancassie. it is simply in the context of how often she was dismissed as a character in the past that i have recently found it odd. that is literally it. other characters have been seen as trans like rufus and billie and i'm okay with it. also as an aside, when i read some fic/ficlets/hc of trans!cassie/dean, they meet each other before any "external" transition and swap clothes; etc so it's possible they see her at the start as someone shedding "masculine" things and it makes me squint depending on how they do it. but again, that wasn't the point of what i said.

so no, this post was not to imply people only like trans!cassie to create a "male/male pairing" bc bioessentialism is gross and trans!cassie/dean does not constitute as a male/male pairing. assigned sex is not that cut and dry. intersex trans folks exist so i actually wish people would knock it off with this assumption that a person saw a character as "male" if they headcanon them as a trans woman. i get that on ao3 and other places, people use m/m or f/f but it's reductive, a bit reactionary, and harmful that sex, presentation, and gender are still so muddled around the globe but especially america by people and i literally gag that people still say things like "male-shaped" or "male presenting" but i recognize that part of it is the generation they grew up in and their access to queer theory/language.

in this instance while i'm noting masculinization, ultimately, as a Black person who is also trans i find no value in using language like "male" or "female" when talking about trans identity at all bc of how science of that has been used to hurt intersex folks, folks of color, and specifically Black people.

anyway, i agree that her acknowledgement in the "renaissance" is appreciated ,which is why i wrote it. my OGop tags said "thoughts i may expound on idk" but i'm glad you were able to point out that it was notable that the first known love interest of a white man's character was a Black woman. and as i pointed out that is especially poignant bc that was less than 6 years before the last state (alabama, i believe) had overturned it's anti-miscegenation aka interracial ban. which, as stated, is not enough time for people to stop being hostile about it which was the case and why i left. so in essence, if i had you in the first half you could have just stay there but sure, i don't think it's minimizing of cassie to acknowledge any of what i actually noted or some* of what you noted. in fact i think the renaissance of recognizing her now shows she was actually always desirable to begin with. white fans just react in weird ways to black characters sometimes and as much as i hate the idea of desirability and its privileges and do work in my daily life uplifting folks who don't consider themselves conventional attractive bc society has done that for them, megalyn echikunwoke cassie's actress is conventionally attractive and went on to do a lot of great work (though i think she is still underrated). she has made it known that she plays strong characters, many of whom aren't even written to be black. and while i think people have a lot of valid reasons why they headcanon cassie as trans i wonder if they would have done the same thing if the episode was written without a centering of the dangers of white supremacy and racism and cassie was instead played by pamela's actress, thunderbird dinwiddie or someone like jo's actress, alona tal.

*i think ultimately we're just left to wonder bc the past can't be undone but i don't take kindly to implications of my words being placed where they are factually untrue and also unnecessary bc the spirit of what i'm saying is further from that implication than the rest of what i am saying. obviously.

but anyway, i also agree we shouldn't have had to wait almost a decade for her to get close to proper acknowledgement. nor should she have been consistently overshadowed by lisa braeden's character in the first place. bc as one of my mutuals pointed out.

to circle back a bit, yes, it's also true she is technically casted as specifically biracial mixed with white which is why they chose megalyn; one of her parents is scot-irish/english and the other is nigerian. but she's black for the sake of this conversation, you feel me; there is conversation about the implications of that comment specifically but i personally see that as a mixed company conversation and we are in mixed company. but yea overall decent chunk of tags i guess

one of the striking things about deancassie is that interracial marriage was federally legal but the last state overturned its ban in 2000 which isnt necessarily enough time for people socially to stop being hostile about it. which makes sense bc when that episode first aired a lot of folks were either actively hostile or quiet about cassie since dean almost died that episode.

and even by the time season 6, even season 8 aired people were forgetting cassie existed and swore dean was in love with lisa and that she was his first love which is why he couldnt be with cas. the vitriol that came from acknowledging cassie was partially why i initially left the fandom so to see people acknowledge her now is cool i guess. but sometimes its only as trans!cassie which makes me squint bc black cis women are often over-masculinized by white fans.

its just…when will there be no more "win some lose some" over canon black characters and love interests. that would be nice.

[usrlocalshare]

Meanwhile, on a fictional radio station...

(the first person to correctly figure out what exactly this format completely rips off gets, iunno... respect?)

DISCLAIMER: The story, its characters, names and incidents portrayed are purely ridiculous. Any coincidences to real people or incidents are purely similar. (Also, this was largely written before the Charlottesville incident.)

Announcer: Default Public Radio's programming is made possible thanks to the contributions of listeners like you. Please donate in order to help us bring our informational programming to listeners in Default City and across Redmond County, or else we are going to despise you as the freeloader you are. Thank you. Next up is "In the Crosshairs" with Raul Rodriguez, a.k.a. "that traitorous deadbeat".

RR: ...and welcome back, everybody, to another entertaining episode of "In the Crosshairs", DPR's top political and social debate show, hosted by yours truly, Raul Rodriguez. As always, this show is all about taking people with wildly different views, throwing them into a single room and hopefully, maybe once in a while, coming towards some sort of agreement _without_ starting a fight or committing property damage.

RR: And today's topic is gonna be... freedom of speech. Ever since man first learned to form sounds in order to communicate with others in their tribe, speech has been a vital tool in our civilization. From the first cries of help by a hunter-gatherer in prehistoric Africa all the way to some jerk shouting about chemtrails in the Default City Public Library yesterday, we've always been wondering what kind of speech should or should not be considered acceptable. And what could be the best way to settle this thousand-year-old question once and for all than on public radio in 2017?

RR: To help us today, we have three very different guests. First, on the right, we have Duane Lee Roberts, chairman of the Redmond County branch of the "National Enlightened Identitarian Network" movement and author of the 2008 book "Marxists in Disguise: how liberals are about to turn our nation into Stalinist Russia".

DLR: Good to be on this show!

RR: And on the opposite side of the political spectrum, there's Jake Springer, local left-wing activist and outspoken anarcho-collectivist recently released on parole after spraying graffiti at the headquarters of a local conservative organization.

JS: That's me!

RR: Let's start with you, Mr. Roberts. What's your position on freedom of speech?

DLR: Obviously, I'm following the path of our forefathers here. Our nation's top law specifically protects free speech. Therefore, everyone who wants to shut someone up just because they have different political views is inherently unpatriotic.

RR: What about _you_, Mr. Springer? What do you think?

JS: Well, that's obviously untrue. Sure, freedom of speech is our sacred right as citizens, but we have some limitations. We're not allowed to shout "fire" in a crowded theater, and others are not obligated to provide a pla--

DLR: This again... Is that your universal leftist excuse or something? "platform this, platform that"... My view here is simple: if you can't stand listening to opposing opinions, you're not worthy of being part of the debate in the first place.

RR: Sorry, Mr. Roberts, but _please_ refrain from interrupting other panelists. Not this early in the show, OK?

DLR: Fine, _Raul_.

RR: Back to you, Jake. You believe that speech should sometimes be limited, but why? Could you give us some examples?

JS: Well, to protect marginalized communities, for a start. It's much harder for, say, a woman to speak up online if there's thousands of trolls ready to bombard her account with rape and death threats, right?

DLR: I have to disagree. Men get death threats online just as well, and they don't immediately run away into their safe spaces every time that happens!

JS: ...but studies have shown that women do, in fact, get targeted much more often and much more aggressively than men online. So much, in fact, that a lot of them just prefer not to express their political views at all.

DLR: And the only thing _that_ proves is that their opinions can't stand to any scrutiny. Can't take the heat? Get out of the kitchen!

RR: Wait, Duane, didn't you say _at the very beginning_ that anyone who wants to silence others for their political views is unpatriotic?

DLR: Uh... yes, but obviously there's a difference between having your speech banned and simply being criticized, right?

JS: If your definition of "criticism" is receiving hundreds of death threats every day and getting your personal info released out in the open...

RR: So looks like whichever one of you is right, some speech is getting silenced. Either it's women or minorities unable to speak out of fear of retaliation, or some neo-Nazis --

DLR: Hey!

RR: -- unable to spread their hatred out in the open. Sounds like _such_ a difficult choice...

DLR: It's not about neo-Nazis! In some places, like college campuses, even regular conservatives are afraid to reveal their views for fear of being branded bigots and racists.

JS: Well, if you expect the left to put up with right-wing trolls, you should also tolerate other people calling people like you racist, right?

DLR: Not when the only thing these "racists" want is to have less taxes, regulations and welfare.

JS: Sure, they might not actually _be_ racist, but don't you think that cutting welfare might hurt minorities harder than it would white people?

DLR: Whatever. Simply preferring meritocracy and free market economics doesn't make one racist.

JS: Neither does complaining about constant catcalling or toxic masculinity online make one, quote, "a filthy feminist whore" or, quote, "a degenerate cuck".

RR: Yeah, as insults go, gonna side with Mr. Springer on this one.

DLR: Listen here, you public radio freak. Colleges are already an instrument of socialist indoctrination. And people like Jake will drive campus conservatives into _extinction_ if not contained.

JS: Seriously? Have you even _visited_ a college? Our economics de--

DLR: Oh, God, no. Do I look like some sort of socialist?

JS: You say "socialist" like it's a bad thing.

DLR: Of course it is! Have you seen what they've done to Russia?

JS: Yes, and most of us hate _that_ kind of socialism with a passion.

RR: Okay, guys. You both have clearly gone off-topic here. Let's get back on track. So, Jake, if you had to put a limit on free speech, where would it be?

JS: Um... Banning Nazism would be a good start?

DLR: So predictable. You leftists call pretty much anyone you dislike a Nazi. With you in charge, we'd have no free speech left!

JS: Hey, not true!

DLR: The commies in East Germany literally called the Berlin Wall an "anti-fascist barrier"!

JS: And today, everyone, even "the commies" agree that the Wall was a massive failure, okay? Remind me once again, who is currently planning to build a huge wall on America's southern border?

DLR: Okay, fine. Just answer me this -- would _I_ be considered a Nazi in your world?

JS: Well, judging by the fact that there are photos online where you are doing the Nazi salute...

DLR: Says the person who responded to a pharma company raising prices on medicine by quoting Karl Marx!

JS: And that's supposed to be worse than a Nazi salute?

DLR: First of all, it's actually a Roman salute. Totally different, just ask any history geek. Second, I'm fighting against the cancer that is cultural Marxism. I'm not gonna stop just because _a literal actual Marxist_ is accusing me of being a Nazi.

JS: "Accusing"? With your conspiracy theories about white genocide on social media, you pretty much are one already.

DLR: So is this how it's gonna go? *rolls up sleeves* Well, how about this? *punches JS*

JS: I didn't want to do this, but... *starts a fistfight with DLR*

RR: ...and looks like it's time for me to phone security once again and call this program to a close. I hope the listeners at home learned something new, and I also hope I'll be able to get out of here before either one of them punches _me_!

RR: ...What's up with this show always ending in violence? Whoever picks these topics and guests must really hate me...

Announcer: And that was "In the Crosshairs". I hope Mr. Rodriguez really learns his lesson this time... How does he still show up at work after all these years?

[deniseyallen]

On Senate Floor, Portman Discusses Backpage Criminal Referral, Highlights Need for Legislative Action

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Today, U.S. Senators Rob Portman (R-OH), Claire McCaskill (D-MO), and Tom Carper (D-DE) recommended the Department of Justice investigate Backpage.com. The request follows a two-year Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations (PSI) inquiry, led by Sen. Portman and Sen. McCaskill, which culminated in a report entitled “Backpage.com’s Knowing Facilitation of Online Sex Trafficking,” which found that Backpage knowingly facilitated criminal sex trafficking of vulnerable women and young girls and covered up evidence of these crimes in order to increase its own profits. On the Senate floor today, Portman discussed his recommendation to the DOJ and the need for legislative action to protect women and young girls from this type of trafficking and online exploitation.

 Transcript of his remarks can be found below and a video can be found here.

“I'm rising today to speak about an issue that members on both sides of the aisle have a deep concern about, and that's human trafficking, sex trafficking, and specifically the work that we have done to try to stop one website called Backpage.com from selling people online. 

“This morning along with my colleagues Tom Carper and Claire McCaskill announced that we have asked the Department of Justice to investigate Backpage.com for criminal violations of the law. This is a criminal referral and it’s a new development in this case. We believe there is sufficient evidence to warrant this criminal review by the Justice Department based on the work that we have done in the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations. 

“With estimated revenues of more than $150 million a year, Backpage.com is a market leader in commercial sex trafficking and has been linked to hundreds of reported cases of sex trafficking, including trafficking of vulnerable women and children. Backpage's claims that it ‘leads the industry in its screening of advertisements for illegal activity, including sex ads for children.’ That’s simply not true. In fact, we now know that this website has long facilitated sex trafficking on its site so it can increase its profits, profits that come at the expense of those being trafficked, including children. 

“When victims or state authorities who try to bring actions against this company, Backpage has evaded responsibility by saying it doesn't write the ads for sex, it just publishes them. And frankly, as a rule, courts have sided with the company citing the immunity granted by a federal law that’s called the Communications Decency Act. The law in essence says that if a company like Backpage publishes an ad someone else gives them, they're not liable. Even though again in this case we know that this website has long facilitated sex trafficking and they know what they're doing. 

“We also now know that Backpage has actively edited words and image—that makes them co-creators of these ads. We also know from a new report in The Washington Post just this week that despite claims Backpage has aggressively solicited and created sexualized ads designed to lure customers. It further demonstrates that Backpage is not merely a passive publisher of third party content, they're involved. 

“The article found that Backpage workers were active co-creators of many of these sex advertisements including those that seeked to traffic women and young girls, underage girls. I believe the legal consequences should be that they should lose their immunity under the Communications Decency Act, and that's why we’ve asked the Justice Department today to review this matter. 

“Now, let me be clear about the Communications Decency Act. It has an important purpose. It’s a well-intentioned law. It was enacted back in 1996 to protect online publishers, and I support the broader legislation, the Communications Decency Act, but the law was not intended to protect those who knowingly violate the law and facilitate illegal conduct, and it was never intended to protect those who knowingly facilitate the sex trafficking of vulnerable women and girls. 

“We're actively exploring legislation to fix this issue once and for all. I've been working with a bipartisan group of senators on potential legislation, and I'm hopeful that that will soon be introduced here in the United States Senate. We must protect women and underage girls and hold accountable websites that knowingly facilitate this type of criminal exploitation. 

“A couple weeks ago I was at a place in Ohio called the Ranch of Opportunity. It's in Washington Courthouse. The Ranch of Opportunity opened its doors in the latter part of 2013. It's on a 22-acre site, tranquil setting, peaceful, spacious, healthy environment for girls between 13 and 18 to help find healing and recovery during a residential program. The ranch is a place of hope as it says in its name, the Ranch of Opportunity. And a lot of girls who spend time at the ranch have been victims of human trafficking and child abuse. In fact, I'm told that the majority, roughly 60 to 80 percent of the young girls who come through this program have been trafficked. And as I talk to some of the girls and the staff there, of course Backpage.com comes up again and again as it always does when we talk to survivors and victims of human trafficking. 

“These types of crimes, sexual abuse and trafficking are horrific, but it's happening. It's happening all over the country and it's happening more and more. So in your community, wherever you live, sadly I will tell you this is a problem. And part of it is because of these online traffickers. In other words, as many of the survivors of human trafficking have told me, ‘Rob, this has moved from the street corner to the smartphone,’ and the smartphone is where Backpage.com dominates.

“In touring the state, by the way, I’ve also heard over and over about the specific link between drugs and human trafficking. I’ve talked to survivors who told me their trafficker first got them hooked on heroin and other drugs. I saw that firsthand in May when I toured the Salvation Army of Greater Cleveland’s Harbor Light complex. They've been operating in Cleveland for 65 years providing incredibly important service to some of the most vulnerable members of society, including women who have been trafficked. So important to know that that link is there, both those issues are so important to address, trafficking and what's happening in terms of the increasing heroin, prescription drug, fentanyl crisis in this country now at epidemic levels. 

“That's why the Stop Act is so important, the Synthetic Trafficking and Overdose Prevention Act that we're trying to get passed here, that’s why the Prescription Drug Monitoring Act is so important. There is a connection. Human trafficking requires urgent action, but so does the opioid epidemic. 

“On human trafficking, including sex trafficking, we're now told it is a $150 billion-a-year industry. Think about that. It's the second-biggest criminal enterprise in the world behind the drug trade. Unfortunately, again, it's happening in all of our states. Just last month a 26-year-old man from Ohio was indicted on human trafficking charges. He used Backpage.com to advertise the availability of two girls, age fifteen and seventeen, advertised them for sex and then trafficked them out to several hotels in the area. Thankfully, in this case, members of the Central Ohio Trafficking Taskforce rescued both victims, one from Columbus and one from Toledo. Cases like this are alarming but again they’re happening all over the place.

“The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, who are experts on this issue, report an 846 percent increase in reports of suspected child trafficking from 2010 to 2015. That’s more than an 800 percent increase in just five years. This spike, the organization found to be, ‘directly correlated to the increased use of the internet to sell children for sex.’ Again, it’s a dark side of the internet and trafficking has now moved, as I said, from the street corner to the cell phone.

“To confront this problem, as Chairman of the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, along with my colleagues and then ranking member Claire McCaskill, now Tom Carper, I opened a bipartisan investigation into sex traffickers and their use of the internet. The investigation began over two years ago. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children now says that nearly three-quarters, 73 percent of all suspected child trafficking sex reports it receives, from the general public through its cyber tip line are linked to one website, one website: Backpage.com. According to leading anti-trafficking organizations including Shared Hope International, service providers working with child sex trafficking victims have reported that between 80 percent and 100 percent of their clients have been bought and sold on Backpage.com. Backpage now operates in 97 countries and 934 cities worldwide and is valued at over half of a billion dollars. According to an industry analyst in 2013, eight of every ten dollars spent on online sex trafficking advertising in the United States goes to this one website: Backpage.com.

“As I said earlier, they lead the world in screening but in fact their top lawyer described their screening process as ‘a key tool for disrupting and eventually ending human trafficking.’ That's just not true. Despite these boasts, the website and its owners consistently refused to cooperate with our investigations at the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations. They also, with regard to our inquiry, despite subpoenaing company documents on how they screen advertisements, refused to provide us documents after a subpoena. As a result, this body, the United States Senate, last year for the first time in more than 20 years voted to pass a civil contempt citation, in other words holding Backpage.com in contempt and requiring them to supply these documents and come forward with this information or else face a lawsuit and potential criminal violations.

“Finally, last August after going through the district court, the circuit court, all the way to the Supreme Court, we were able to get their requests to appeal it, reject it, and we were able to get the documents. Over one million documents were eventually turned over including e-mails and internal documents. We went through them all, and what we found was very troubling to say the least. After reviewing the documents, the subcommittee published a staff report in January that conclusively shows that Backpage has been more deeply complicit in online underage sex trafficking than anyone ever imagined. The report showed that Backpage has knowingly covered up evidence of crimes by systematically deleting words and images suggestive of illegal conduct including of child sex trafficking. The editing process sanitized the content of millions of advertisements in order to hide important evidence from law enforcement.

“I encourage people to take a look at this report. They can look at it on our website and other websites here, myself or from Senator McCaskill. Backpage CEO Carl Ferrer personally directed his employees to create an electronic filter to delete hundreds of words indicative of sex trafficking or prostitution from ads before they were published; in other words they knew that these ads were about selling girls, selling women online and yet they published them. Again, this filter that he used did not reject ads because of the obvious illegal activity. They only edited the ads to try to cover up the illegal activity. The filter didn’t change what was advertised, it just changed the way it was advertised. Backpage did nothing to stop this criminal activity. They facilitated it, knowingly. 

“What did they do? Well, afraid to erode their profits, they were afraid because, as Mr. Ferrer said in his words it would ‘piss off a lot of customers,’ they began deleting words. Beginning in 2010, Backpage automatically deleted words including Lolita, referencing a twelve year old girl in a book sold for sex. Teenage, rape, young, little girl, teen, fresh, innocent, schoolgirl, even Amber Alert. And then they published the edited versions of those ads on their website. They also systematically deleted dozens of words related to prostitution. So again, this filter made these decisions, these deletions, before anyone at Backpage even looked at the ad. When law enforcement officials asked for more information about suspicious ads as they routinely do, Backpage had already destroyed the original ad posted by the trafficker so the evidence was gone. So this notion that they were trying to help law enforcement lies in the face of the fact that they actually destroyed the evidence that would’ve helped law enforcement. 

“So we're never going know for sure how many girls and women were victimized as a result of this activity. By Backpage's own estimate, the company was editing 70 percent to 80 percent of the ads in their adult section by late 2010. Based on our best estimate this means that Backpage was editing more than a half million ads a year, more than a half million ads a year. At a hearing on the report, Backpage CEO and other officials pled the Fifth Amendment invoking the right against self-incrimination rather than respond to the questions we had about the report and its findings. We also heard powerful testimony from parents whose children had been trafficked on Backpage. One mother talked about seeing her missing daughter's photograph on Backpage. She frantically called the company to tell them it was her daughter. They finally found her. ‘Please take down the ad.’ The response: ‘Did you post the ad, ma'am?’ Her response: ‘of course I didn't post the ad it’s my daughter, please take it down.’ Their response: ‘we can only take it down if you paid for the ad.’ Talk about heartless. 

“Based on our report, it is clear that Backpage actively facilitated sex trafficking that was taking place on its website all in order to increase its profits at the expense of vulnerable women and children, and then after the fact they covered up the evidence of these crimes.

“So, what’s happened to these kids is terrible. It’s not just tragic, to me it’s evil. No one is interested in shutting down legitimate commercial activity and speech. As I said earlier, the Communications Decency Act plays an important role. But we want to stop this criminal activity. So, I see some of my colleagues are here to speak. I appreciate their allowing me to finish, but I would also urge all my colleagues on both sides of the aisle to join me in reforming these laws to be able to protect these innocent victims, these children.”

###

from Rob Portman http://www.portman.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/press-releases?ContentRecord_id=FEED2B02-CB63-4CE3-B9D9-9E526378481F