#I'm not depressed (at least anymore i think)
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sympathy for the outcasts <3
#Ive been a social outcast for almost two years and I wish everyone dealing with it joy in life ✌️😔#dont punish yourself for the way other people act towards you#you can work on yourself. but dont try to hide your entire personality.#otherwise one day all the sorrow will come back like a wave of depression.#Ive had this#yes I had friends during that dark era buuuuut they treated me as if I'm worth nothing#social outcast era#neurodivergent#mental health#and all my other friends: they left me#I lost all. literally. ALL my friends in that one year 2021#I had like 6 or 7 close friends before covid but after the lockdown ALL friendships ended#and I developed a high ego and thought I need no one#I was happy to have no friends 🫥#zero friends.#around that time I developed some autistic traits in my personality :/#as an example-#I didnt know how to talk to my dog/animals/pets. it felt so uncomfortable I tried to avoid it#I avoided speaking in general#but that high ego inside me kinda prevented me from drifting into depression#at least#random mind#guys. dont think it was THAT bad. I still had family which supported me#thank god Im not like this anymore#I found many close friends now and I have people who appreciate me irl#and healthy friendships taught me how to be social again#hopefully that whole covid lockdown dark phase blah blah blah think will never return#life is beautiful#never say never#❣️
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Anyway how is everyone doing
#had to get up at 6 in the morning and therefore had 4 hours of sleep today (a weekly occurence pretty much)#so i just took a nap which took all evening and i'm still tired yayyyyy. because naps only work how they should about 10% of the time#and also i did nothing else today because sleep and now i'm truly wondering what to do with myself anymore#meanwhile i have to get up and go to school again tomorrow 😑 and the day after that 😑 and the day after that 😑#or i could drop out again and have nothing else to do anyway and continue rotting in my room#(whether it's my dorm room or my actual room doesn't matter). what's the pointtttttt#might be reaching some kind of limit or maybe i'm truly just dramatising and should just chill about it all#save me 4 hours of music listening now probably. idk man#got my minimal amount of social interaction today in the form of riding the elevator with 3 of the ppl from my course#when i could have (and normally would have) just taken the stairs instead#i feel like i made a big important step today that will help me later on through this year (no not really)#at least one thing i've noticed recently is that i might have the reverse of what is i guess is usually called seasonal depression#in the sense that now that it's chilly and cloudy and it gets dark earlier i feel like i'm finally LIVING in a way#the good effect of that will probably pass after a week or two though#but also just a bit over a month left now until my birthday and then my long awaited trip!!#anyone else get unreasonably excited for their birthday each year even though there's never anything special about it in the end#and that only makes the day more depressing lol#ok whatever i'm done whining now i think. music time then#celebrating (a bit late) one year of gratsax and lil beethoven today. some of the albums of all time for me personally#goosepost
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hi yes I'm doing great and fine at college why do you ask :) (<< person who barely contained crying all the way back to her dorm and then broke down once she was in her room bc her government professor told everyone at the end of the first class that they're going to see horrible things in life and it's ok to be bothered by them, you don't have to constantly 'other people have it worse' about everything and so never let yourself feel the hurt over something and then went on to give everyone in the class a Tim Keller book to help cultivate personal devotions bc freshman year is hard)
#is this normal. is this part of the homesickness. is this part of the depression. I don't know anymore.#*sigh* all shall be well perhaps.#hey at least we got some GOOD THEOLOGY in the government class. that was NICE.#(probably I'm being too hard on the preaching that's been happening so far... two of the messages were actually fantastic#and one made me cry with how close to home it hit.#I think mostly it's just targeted to a rather different audience than I personally at this time of my life belong to.)#gurt says stuff#college survival#I need to make a college tag I think...#hm. gotta think of a good one.
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Well calling around and everyone is backtracking on their ability to cosign for us so we'll probably be bouncing around from extended stay, we're trying to make a decision on whether or not it'll be good to stay since my bf wants to finish getting his associates. It feels like we keep hitting these brick walls over and over and over again. Every other queer person we know is like also becoming homeless including bfs queer siblings around our age. It feels like we're becoming a lost generation of queer people bc we have no financial stability to buy anything, nobody is making good wages, and apparently all of our parents hate us so. 👍 Yeagh
#chelposting#chelontherun#me (real)#.x#trans#ugh i hate everything i feel so pathetic rn genuinely like awful I haven't been sleeping good and every day it's new bs#somedays I get depressed and think about how much easier going through the motions were when I was closeted#i was miserable but at least I had something to eat#i was miserable but I had a place to stay and people were less likely to throw me away and see me as disposable#but my bf makes me feel alive like i have a reason to fight and struggle for myself so ultimately I'm choosing what's more important#i can't sell my soul anymore
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no really, but, like. rebelcaptain is The ship for me, because i honestly cannot think of another where i very equally love both characters involved to this extent and also project an equally insane amount onto literally both of them
#like i will always say i think it's weird if you don't at least LIKE both of the characters you're shipping together but usually i do have a#preference for a character i either feel like i understand a little bit better or relate to a little more#here it's just like no. hello jyn and cassian. you are literally both Blorbo to me#take my mental illnesses. you're both getting projected on now LMFAO#jyn's head was easier for me to immediately get into because a lot of what i was going through around the time r1 came out#but then i spent a lot more time with cassian and i don't find his head difficult to get into anymore at all#(also i vibe cassian a lot when i'm depressed lmfao)#anyway i think they're both equally easy for me now. i don't struggle with either in terms of voice or pov
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Tbh, can't believe I'm cutting ties with Fnaf before Batim.
#em.txt#negative#all thr fnaf stuff that's come outta my rbs since the anniversary have just been queued. my queue is huge it takes a bit#anyways#bendy has given me pounds of grief & a lot of it is my fault for like. falling in love with a proof lf concept#& not waiting for the game to come out in full & rushing in to each chapter looking for hints#to a conclusion i made up in my mind & was never ever coming. the ending to game one is quite trash#& while the sequel tries to make the ending in 1 worthwhile it's too little too late#because while a sequel can recontectualize its prequel it cannot erase how it was when it first was released#yeah so like. i figured between how shit the studio heads were & how I didn't like the first game ot the second game#or really the spinoff which i played i am like the only bendy fan i know that played that thing#& I'm not like. super stoked for any of the 3 games they teased in secrets of the machine#which i think is fine btw secrets of the machine is okay but i refuse to judge it as a game because it's an advertisement#i think some of the secrets in that game like the poster one are stupid but most of it is fine kinda cool. glad they got to reuse#all those assets from previous games & also cameo the car from the mobile game#ANYWAYS i figured all this would pile up to mean i would cut off batim. but I haven't. when the next games come out i will#probably at least check out a playthrough maybe play them myself if they seem interesting#meanwhile. like. the fnaf 10th anniversary happened#they dropped a sequel to help wanted. they dropped 2 more fnaf games. & I don't give a shiiiiittt#i woke up the day after the anniversary & realized like. I don't like the games. I don't give a fuck about the books.#the movie has practical effects & was cute but nothing i will think about deeply. the lore is a industrial sized dumpster fire#I don't like the community i only play ONE fan game & i just don't care about this series that used to eat my brain whole on the daily#so i gave it a month. maybe this was just a depressive spike. but no it seems like something shifted in my brain permanently#I don't like fnaf anymore which sucks#but what sucks more is i still like this other piece of shit that has easily given me worse times
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love getting together with other people and realizing in real time that I talk like someone who hasn't talked to other people in like six years
#'don't you mean-- less than that surely?' aahahah! no! my 2019 depressive episode was the worst of my life until it wasn't anymore :)#this also happens any time justin and I have long conversations#in my head like ooohhh my god I was never great at this before but this HAS to be worse#if I'm gonna continue not leaving the house very often I have fucking GOT to AT LEAST start reading again. jesus.#I feel like my brain is continuing to gently devolve into some sort of slime#very grateful to my beloved and wonderful husband but it turns out you DO need more than One Guy to meet your human social needs I think#alas.....
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Im either just having social anxiety right now (I say as if I don't always have that) or my friends are going to break up with me tomorrow
#Break up platonically in case that wasn't obvious#(The reason I think that is because I'm in a depressive episode so I don't really text them as much and stuff and they broke up their#Friendship with another person because they didn't hang out with them much anymore#And they asked me to talk tomorrow amd won't tell me what about.)#I am scared#But at least I'll have therapy afterwards. So I'll hopefully be ok.#I'll either update you tomorrow or I won't. We'll see lmao (I probably won't update if it's something else they'll talk to me about.)
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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry
#the parasite talks#i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd#this is getting so sad#i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this#please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays#i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least#rn i will have to force staying awake#maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore#coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me#i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself#i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C#i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed#and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this#and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin#miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit
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Saying Goodbye to My Mask event on project sekai may have been a premonition of having my own mental health tank to the same level as Mafuyu's because well. Let's just say. The depression. (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)
#miko talking#well. even though i try to get help it feels like my parents sabotage me more#the only comfort is realizing my feelings and wondering about it#frankly i dont like acknowledging them bc then i feel like im not playing up to the role everyone expects of me but#i want to express it in my stuff but I've been losing my will to keep drawing and writing and i guess#this is what depression is like. i just never expected to find myself actually going through it#i thought i left that era of havingthe worst time of my life but i feel like these past few years#are definitely my most worst#i think thats one thing games like pjsk has me realizing#and why i find comfort in n25#because to me they feel like pieces of me that have been written down#idk why im ranting lol??? i just want to be honest with how i feel but i end up going back to trying to be a people pleaser#ewwwww. i hate this. in truth i dont like people all that much. neither do i like making new friends#it's crazy because I'm always saying sure! when someone asks even though i know I'm not going to feel anything from it#sorry..... but I don't care enough anymore.... maybe one day i will#but right now not really..... at least at the moment.#these friendships with followers are in truth just parasociality and i dont want it after what happened the first time#especially with how two-faced/double standards people are like#people are the worst ^^ i wish the world was a kinder place for everyone but i dont know how much longer i can keep up with this#if only people minded their own business. im not someone to be babied by people who think they know better.#what a pain (◕ᴗ◕✿)
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reading up on autism to figure out what the fuck is going on with me and making a list of personal pros and cons to figure out whether i should feel good or bad about it. as one does
pros: hyperlexia, deeply compassionate, talent for mathematics and the sciences/can do calculations of reasonable complexity in my head, visual hypersensitivity/decent artistic ability when replicating from still life/good at distinguishing subtle colors, acute hearing/good at identifying distinct sounds and sonic textures/deeply moved by music, can rotate some shapes in my head really fast i guess
cons: people can tell something is "off" about me in a fraction of a second and will be anywhere from begrudgingly polite to overtly hostile about it, terminal "not like other girls" disease/feeling of disconnect with existing in a feminine body, can pace for hours on end until my legs hurt, frequent crying & shutdowns, talk about myself and my interests extensively and can't seem to find a way to stop or better relate to others outside of mirroring them, productive work that actually *utilizes* my talents seems to only happen in increasingly infrequent bursts of hyperfocus, recurring identity issues stemming from a fundamental feeling of being born wrong and belonging nowhere, visceral hypersensitivity means i'm in pain from the normal functioning of my own organs for most of the day, people have compared me to sheldon cooper and elon musk, i am constantly begging for the sweet release of death,
#text#hmm. this post was funnier in my head#to be clear i am not one of those ''aut1sm is a superpower'' people and i'm aware that my ''gifts'' afford me significant privilege#but they also used to be things i liked about myself even when i was depressed#now that i'm anywhere from 3-5 yrs into burnout and can't rly *access* my gifts in the capacity i used to be able to anymore#it's rly hard to be positive about things. lol#i used to think that if people were going to think i was weird forever that i should at least be useful#which may not be possible to the degree it once was. and i realize was also a damaging and unhelpful mindset to begin with#tbh i'm rly jealous of the zoomers who seem to have more knowledge about/be more accepting of this stuff.#i think i was just in denial for years. but after looking into it more i'm more certain i'm aut1stic than i've been of anything in my life#which is significant considering the; yknow; identity issues. lol#it's kind of hilarious how many of my old text posts just scream ''undiagnosed aut1stic burnout'' in retrospect#sorry for all the behaviors and stuff. i love my mutuals but i think i have to be on this website less#while i figure my stuff out. i'll still check in but not as often#feel free to reach out in the meantime. i already miss a lot of my friends i lost contact with while going thru it <3#wow these tags got away from me. ok bye
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I just broke up with my partner of 4 years, and I just feel absolutely numb.
#i don't think it's sunk in yet really#or the fact I am so depressed i can't feel basic emotions anymore#at least it's protecting me right now#too bad i'm absolutely broke and can't afford any sort of substance
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sooooo
I'm 32 now
when can I expect to finally grow out of getting obsessed with men people stuff? I'm waiting....
#I doooo not want it#it's embarrassing#can it stop please#BUT also can I not feel depressed and like an empty shell when it's not happening#I mean I can handle it when it's things. hobbies. shows. whatever#sure it usually ends up being expensive as fuck but#at least I don't go around humiliating myself by talking about nothing but a random guy for months on end#how embarrassing! I think a man is hot! I must jump off a cliff immediately#but whyyyy can't I be normal about it at least#other people get obsessed with normal things! like. idk. anything else#soo anyway the opening narration for the texas chainsaw massacre is great isn't it? he did such a good job :) what a nice voice :) I am not#going to be weird about this man any longer :) no I won't! I'm normal about him! I don't want to bite him or chew on his face or anything#like that. just normal things. uh. sex? that's what people usually want. yeah fine that. I mean I do. want. oh I think I'm doing it again#haha no it's fine I just think he's neat (he's the only person on earth no one else exists anymore he's so beautiful oh my god have you seen#his little face he looks like a cute little potato I've never seen anything prettier in my life haha I need to run my hands through his hair#and have you seen how tall he is and he's so cute and I need to. be taken outside and shot. god.#I keep. shrieking. every time I see him. at such a high frequency that it hurts my own fucking ears. because. I can't believe that he exists#I'm. so. stupid!!!!#annnd repeat this every time this happens blah blah blah i should jsut delete this blog right now oh my GOD.
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i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,
#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better#and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐#(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think)#but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day#despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔#+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level#again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know#and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am#other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭#and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more#(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count)#(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum)#(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use)#(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years)#this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍#vent#negative //#ask to tag#sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months#(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^)#edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere#i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers#and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too#but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little#i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that
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My memory is so bad lately I literally can't remember anything and I keep literally forgetting words like the names of things
#And im even forgetting the names of like musicians I like yesterday I got so distressed because I forgot phil lynotts last name like it just#Wasn't in my mind anymore and I'm like how is that even possible like im obsessed with him thats how I know it's getting bad#Like I swear at this rate I'm gonna be like what's thebkeyboardist from genesis called again#And tbh it's really freaking me out!!!!!#Cos also I keep saying the wrong words like at least once every 10 minutes I'll say something like can you pass me that bottle and it's lik#???? Because it's a notebook and I don't even notice?#Either that or I can't remember a word at all and it's just like why is this happening#But I think it's all just this really severe depression
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my favorite thing about the obscure earthbound facts account on here is that any time they post something obscure about Tazmily or the villagers it activates the part of my brain that is still autistic about Mother 3 like a fucking sleeper agent and i get so excited i just start yelling in the tags about the most minor of facts bcs it's something i already noticed and thought a lot about
#psy's no punctuation posts#mother tag#case in point: the mapson post today#i DID notice he seems to live with Pusher's family or at the very least has a connection to them!! i did!!#Mother is not my special interest anymore but the Tazmily villagers will be my special little guys forever#i love them i love them i love them#mwah. my dears#i'm so excited for Mother 3 anniversary day bcs i hope we get more new villagers in the anniversary art!!!#i've been thinking about the smiling Paul again lately. remember how excited i was to see him. jesus. i was shaking#new as in villagers who havent appeared in anniversary art before. i'm really rooting for pink poinsettias#we got paul but he wasn't with his wife.... n i wanna see abbot n abbey#also ollie. it was rly nice seeing some of the depressed villagers smiling in the anniversary art so i think it'd be nice for ollie too
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