#I'm happy for them but at the same time I want to cry

[hannamoon143]

You drew stars around my scars ✮⋆˙

Life is hard. Some people don't know how to cope with that. Some people just try to feel mentally better by causing physical pain instead. How ironical, isn't it? Oh but bless you, that lee felix is in your life. Because this man never misses a thing.⋆｡°✩

Genre:Angst,Hurt/comfort

Warnings:Sh,a bit childhood trauma, Depression, Crying, mentions of food,mentions of bad eating habits

Lee felix x fem.Reader

Words: 3,9k

a/n: hey everyone<33 To write this fic brought me some comfort too, and it's healing me a bit more everytime i can use my own experiences,emotions and thoughts to write something that comforts others too, and relate to y/n a lot. And i know i'm not the only one, so i hope this can bring everyone that reads it a bit comfort. And pls always remember what of a beautiful person you are. Hurting yourself is never ever the only solution. If you need someone to talk, reach out to someone, anyone, also me if you don't have anyone. I'd rather have literally any person cry for hours in my arms, or vent to me in my dm's than have them hurt their own bodies, that always supports them. Everything felix says in that fic is true, and they r my own thoughts about this. I love you all, take care of yourselves.<3

Depression takes a lot from you. It takes your motivation, productivity, the will to socialize, and your happiness. It’s unfair isn’t it? Little, happy children become tired, broken adults.

People always think depression is something where you sit in your bed the whole day and cry. Well that is half true. Yes, there are days like that, but that’s far not everything. The worst are those dull days, when you feel entirely numb, but your life has to go on anyways. No joy in your heart, and no tears in your eyes. Just a big nothing in your mind.

After a while you figure it out though. It’s always those numb episodes, until every emotion you thought didn’t exist the days before, crashes down on you. And it’s overwhelming. Every.single.time.

But what if you’d find something that could ‚help‘ you? Something that brought you pain and relief at the same time? That made you feel alive, in the numb episodes and distracted you from the pain in the days where you broke down? The price was just your beautiful skin, and blood...

A problem was though, once you’d start, it would be very hard to stop again. But why should you anyways? Why should you stop when it was the only thing seemingly bringing you comfort for some short time?

It started off by you, picking at your skin absimendtly whenever you felt anxious, or when you just didn’t pay attention. It felt relieving. It was the burning pain when you scatched on your skin so hard it was slightly bloody, making you feel like your feelings actually mattered. And then that one night. That night everything crashed down on you. Your friends wanted nothing to do with you anymore, the few you had before, cut contact. You couldn’t even be mad at them. Who wouldn’t be annoyed by someone who constantly cancelled plans, and gave off a „depressing, annoying attitude“? Well these were their words. Oh but you saw it coming. All the overthinking in the middle of the night, those worst case scenarios, they had come true.

And your family? You never had a healthy relationship with them. So now, that you were grown up, the contact was almost entirely dead. And yeah, there was your boyfriend felix, but you’d never burden him with your problems. He already had enough on his mind with the world tour and all the new released albums, of the band he was in.

And that was it. No one there that you could reach out to, no one to comfort you, when your heart and mind were breaking into millions of glass splitters. Every person reaches their breaking point someday. And that day was yours. You remembered the night clearly. You were sitting on the bathroom floor, crying out all the emotion you had been holding in for too long. You had no friends anymore. No family. And pretty sure soon no boyfriend too. Nothing to hold onto.

Then you reached out to a drawer. You didn’t really register what you were doing as you took it out. A simple, silver blade. A little cut on your wrist. A line of crimson red blood on your skin.

At first you were terrified. What had you done? Why weren’t you affected by the stinging pain on your wrist, and the blood building in the small cut? Why did it in fact feel good? And then you decided to try it again, just to answer those questions right?

That’s where it started.

You knew you had depression. But going to a therapist? You were scared, probably too lazy, and you could never tell all your problems to a complete stranger. And most of all you didn’t want felix to worry either. He was the only one left, and soon he would surely leave too. He was the sweetest, sunny person on this earth, he deserved someone that matched his energy, and wasn’t so… hard to love.

Every single task felt like a hard, impossible chore. Getting out of your bed felt like doing the unbelievable. Doing the most simple things like showering, or brushing your teeth seemed so far away, that you could only master them on your best days. Some days, you went to work, did everything you had to, with a straight, stoic face. That was until you came home, laid into your bed, and silent tears would build wet spots on your pillow.

But somedays, even crying seemed too overwhelming. All you could do was lay in your dark room, staring at the wall. It was just the darkness and you, and somewhere in your mind, a voice whispering that it would help to cut...

And then there were these rare days, on which you felt almost too overwhelmed. It were those days you came home, and added another scar to the gallery of them on your arms. You questioned your life on these days. Because truly, you didn’t see a reason why you should be here right now. No, you weren’t proud of it. But who was there to stop you? Why should you quit if it was the only thing keeping you sane right now? When it was only the stinging pain who could make you slip out of the monotone haze in your mind, for at least a little bit time.

But it would be stupid to assume felix didn’t notice something was off. Lee felix was a pure person. Someone who could make even the rainiest days shine bright. And he cared about the people he loved more than anything else.

When you started cancelling plans it was already alarming for him. You were someone who never cancelled plans with him. You were usually a happy person, someone who made jokes that were actually funny. Someone who made him laugh with your little quirks, that he noticed over time. Someone who comforted him when he felt bad. And most of all you were the most excited person when you two would meet up. You never missed to tell him how much you loved him, that he was your happy person, and your comfort person.

That was before

Before suddenly everything stopped. He rarely got to see your beautiful face now anymore. You took a long time to respond to his texts, and when you did, they were short, and dry. This didn’t feel like you. Felix knew you. And that wasn’t you. This wasn’t the happy girl he met. And he surely wasn’t planning on letting things go like this forever. Something wasn’t right. And no matter what you said or did, to try and get away from him, and shut everything out, he would stay by your side. He would find out what was wrong and do everything possible in this world to make you feel like yourself again.

It was another day today. Another number on the calendar. You stopped looking at it. It didn’t matter anyways. Those were just numbers on paper, and they would never change anything. So you dragged yourself out of bed, feeling even heavier than usual. Like a zombie you just quickly got dressed, not even registering what you were wearing, and drank a mug of coffee. It would make you feel a bit more awake for at least a few hours. Eating breakfast had become impossible in the last few weeks. You were barely eating anything the whole day, to be honest. Sometimes, you just couldn’t stand up and make yourself something. But most times, you just didn’t feel hungry.

You went your usual way to work. At the bus, you took a short glance at your phone. You used to be on your phone a lot for the silliest things, but now you hated it. You hated the brightness, and that everytime you looked at it you had to interact with others. And the worst was, it remdinded you of what you had lost. The spark you had in your eyes on photos from a long time ago.

Something popped up on the screen

A message from felix. Of course. He messaged you every single day. You couldn’t ignore him, no matter how shitty felt, you couldn’t bring yourself to ignore him. So you opened it.

Hey sunshine<3How are you today? I thought of maybe grabbing some takeout and watching a movie together tonight, since i have off early! I’ll even let you pick one of those cheesy romcoms you love so much. Love u^^

You sighed. He was still so sweet, so caring, when he should be really annoyed, right? His girlfriend was a walking zombie, why didn’t he already break up with you?

Hey lix, sorry no time today.

Then you quickly put your phone away. You couldn’t stand thinking of his lips turning into that sad pout, when he’d read your answer. But you couldn’t meet him. You didn’t care how stubborn that was, but you wouldn’t let him see you like this. He would see right through you, and get you to tell him what was wrong.

You stopped making excuses someday. Who even cared? Sooner or later he’d leave, just like your friends. No lame excuses would matter then. Someone like you was unlovable. And that would never change.

As felix read your response he sighed.

That was enough. He wouldn’t let your relationship carry on like that. He wouldn’t let you carry on like that. Something was clearly wrong and he wouldn’t stand so far away and watch you slowly shut down from the entire world. Not anymore. Tonight he would come to your apartment, if you wanted to or not.

You didn’t remember what you did throughout the day. When you tried to recall it, there were only hazy memories, covered in a grey, thick fog. You didn’t even remember how you came home. Everything just happened. Now, you were walking through your apartment door, kicking off your shoes and coat. With a deep sigh, you dragged yourself to the bathroom. You shut the door, immediately sinking down on the floor. You were exhausted. More than that. The past days, or maybe even weeks you had held everything in more than usual. You felt like passing out right then and there, on the cold bathroom tiles. But there was something else. You knew that feeling. When you would have spent too many days in numbness, then at one point, every emotion, everything you thought wasn’t there before, creeps up in your throat from the depths of your soul. You feel the grieve, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, every single emotion crashing down on you at once. And then you can’t stop it anymore.

Tears started to well up in your eyes, and you pulled your knees up for a bit comfort.

These were the moment you hated the most, besides the numbness. Being numb is uneblievably tiring, but when all the feelings, everything comes up at once, that is even worse. You never knew how to deal with your emotions well. When you were a kid you never got the chance to express emotions. Crying was not allowed. If you did, you’d hear „ Stop it, or i’ll give you a reason to cry.“ If you screamed or hit out of anger you’d get punished in some way. Only a polite smile was, what was allowed to show on the outside, what to show to other people. That was probably part of the reason why you’d grown into a person who had these unhealthy, shitty habits, instead of expressing and coping with their emotions well.

You knew you should just let it pass. Endure these feelings. Maybe text someone to try and distract yourself. But somehow, you always went back to drowning out emotions with physical pain. You took the sharp blade from the bathroom drawer, your hands going unbelievable shaky like they always did when you took it out. You only started to cry more. You hated that you did it. You hated that you were a person that couldn’t handle their own feelings like a responsible adult, and had to shut them out with self harming instead. And still you did it again and again. You hated the way your arm looked when you put your sleeve up now. White lines from old cvts. Slightly reddish ones from some that happened some time ago. And those brightred ones. Reminders of not too long ago. They made you so angry. Reminding you of who you were. Of what you were.

So you decided to look away. You just put the blade to your wrist, looking at the blank bathroom wall. It was already so familiar, you knew where it would hurt the most without even looking.

Felix was searching around his apartment for that gray hoodie you wanted to have everytime you saw him wearing it. Maybe it would cheer you a bit up. As he finally found it, he grabbed the brownies he had made for you earlier, and his keys, heading out his apartment, to head to yours instead.

He started his car. It was a short drive so there was not much time for thinking. But there were some thoughts in the back of his head. Wasn’t he overstepping? You clearly didn’t want to see him, maybe you were also just annoyed?

But felix shook those voices off. He knew you. He had known you for years, and this wasn’t you. He had to do this.

And then he was already at your apartment. Slowly he got out of the car, taking the things, and started to walk up the stairs.

Soon he was in front of your door. Should he knock? He knew where your spare key was but he didn’t want to be respectless. So he softly knocked on the door.

„Y/n? It’s me, felix. I know you didn’t want to meet, but… i was worried. Can we talk please, my love?“

He waited for a minute. But there was no answer. Maybe you really weren’t at home? He decided to just try it. To his surprises the door was unlocked. That meant you were home, but also why would you let your door stay unlocked? He sighed, and locked it from the inside. He quietly took off his shoes, and put them on the side. Yours were scattered messily on the floor, and your coat too. Usually you hated when something in your apartment wasn’t organized. Maybe you were in a hurry before. He went into the kitchen, wich was dark, putting the brownies on the counter. „Y/n?“ he softly called out again. Still no answer.

But there, suddenly he heard something. A quiet, mumbling or...crying? His brows furrowed and he tried to follow the sound. There. In the bathroom. It seemed like you didn’t hear him calling you. At first he considered just going back to your kitchen and waiting there for you to come out, but when he heard another deep sob from you, he knew what to do. Whatever was going on right now, he wanted to be by your side. So he took a deep breath and opened the door.

„Y/N, what is g-“ His eyes widened in shock, and your head perked up immediately at the door clicking open, your gaze changing from surprise, to confusion, to somewhat realization and guilt. The sight in front of him horrified him. His beautiful, lovely girlfriend sat on the bathroom floor, her face red and puffy from crying, and a sharp blade in her hand. And your arm… How couldn’t he notice? He just stood there, in the door, staring at you.

You couldn’t read his face. Was he mad…? Of course he’d be mad. You quickly reacted as you got to your senses again. You jumped up, letting the blade fall, and a drop of blood dropping down on your white bathroom tiles.

„Felix…. I can explain, i h-haven’t, it’s not what it looks like o-okay? I’m okay, p-please i know you’re mad but-“

You got cut off. You couldnt’t even say anything more, because suddenly you were wrapped up tightly in your boyfriend’s comforting, warm embrace. You forgot how good a hug from him felt… And when you got a little glance at his face that was it. No anger, no twisted kind of any emotion against you. There was pure sympathy and love. When you also saw a tear rolling down his face, you couldn’t take it anymore. You buried your face in his neck, and let go. You sobbed uncontrollably, your arms and legs trembling so much, to the point your knees gave in, and felix slowly sank to the ground with you. Why did the cvts on your arms suddenly really hurt for the first time? He had you pulled on his lap, rocking you back and forth, stroking your hair gently. „Shhh, it’ll be alright. I’m here now, you are not alone.“

Good thirty minutes later, your sobbing had stopped, and only warm paths of tears remained on your cheeks. Felix lifted your head from his neck a bit, so he could look into your eyes. Though you had just cried your heart out, it was still the most mesmerizing pair of eyes he had seen in his life. He gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

„Let me treat those, okay?“ He simply said, glancing at your cuts.

He was gentle. He desinfected every single cut, apologizing every time you hissed at the sharp pain. Then he put some healing ointment on your fresh ones, and some at your older ones too. Then, with gentle, calm hands he bandaged your arms. He ended his treament with featherlight kisses on them. Then he got up, helping you up too. He had his hands on your side, his eyes on your face.

„Love…I won’t ever judge you, or get mad at you for anything, i hope you know that okay? I know that this is probably your way to cope with things, and i know that you know it’s not healthy. But it’s okay. Please just promise me, you will come to me instead of doing that, from now on hm? Everytime you want to do it you call me, text me, whatever. I’d rather have you crying in my arms for hours, venting to me for hours, you screaming at me, or do whatever you need to, than have you hurt and bleeding entirely alone on the floor. I’ll come over, and do whatever i need to, to cheer you up alright? And don’t shut me out from your life. I want to be a part again. I miss the way you’d text me when you see something that makes you smile. Or when you send me pics of the cute cats you saw on the sidewalk. Or when you just simply tell me about your day. And most important of all, i’ll stay by your side okay? No matter what. I will do everything to help you recover, and build up your life in a way that makes you happy okay? Let me help you sunshine. You don’t need to do it all alone.No matter how hard it in the past was, I’m here now, and I don’t plan on leaving soon.“

Tears welled up in your eyes again, but this time you smiled at him. „Okay lixie. Okay. I’ll try.“

Then he softly smiled at you, and guided you to your livingroom, where he made you sit on the couch. He rushed off to the kitchen, and was soon back again with a plate of brownies and his gray hoodie. „It seems like you didn’t eat much lately, you’ve been getting a bit too skinny, love. But don’t worry, now i’m here to feed you with everything you want to eat. You don’t need to move a single finger.“ He mumbled, as he first handed you the hoodie, wich you put on immediately and snuggled into it. It had always been your comfort hoodie, since it was big, fluffy, and always smelled like him a lot. Then he put down the plate in front of you. Felix’ brownies had always been one of your favorite things. They were delicious like no one else’s.Everytime you asked him what he was throwing in there, he always told you that it was his love and care wich he made them with. You believed him, this man made everything better with his sunny personality.

You simply smiled at him, and took one of the brownies, taking a big bite

„That’s my girl.“ He chuckled, ruffling your hair. As you were munching, and he was watching you with a fond smile, he suddenly asked „Do you have a marker somewhere here?“ You looked up, raising a brow. „Yeah, in the drawer over there i guess, why?“ He just stood up, and opened said drawer, taking the marker. He was back by your side in an instant. „Please give me one arm love“ He said, politely like always. You were still pretty confused but how could you say no to that? So you slowly laid your bandaged arm in his hands. He kissed it once and then softly started to draw on it. „What are you doing?“ you asked, mouth full of brownie.

„Those my love, are battle scars. It isn’t beautiful how you got them, but they are a part of you now, and they make you the person you are. They deserve to be called beautiful now too, like every single body part of yours. I love every part of you. And when they are healed, I’ll kiss each and everyone of them, but for now, they deserve to be treated with care. They will only heal properly, if you let them. If you’d always be angry when you’d look at them, they would never really heal. You would never really heal. You need to forgive yourself, and someday you will be able to move on. They show how far you’ve come, that it was very hard, but you never gave up. Battle scars, my love.“

You looked into his eyes. He said all that so sincere, you believed every word. And then as he was done you saw what he did. A lot of little stars, and a pretty moon in the middle were drawn on the bandages. And next to the moon he wrote a little note

„Because i want you to never forget who you are. You are Y/n L/n, a fighter, and the most beautiful woman i know.“

„How did i deserve you lee felix?“ You murmured in awe.

„You deserve the world, and more my love.“

And that really was a turning point. Thanks to felix, your days weren’t dull anymore. He was always there with you, laughing and talking a lot, but he also respected when you wanted some alone time. And when you came to him somedays, crying and telling him that you wanted to do it again, he took you in his arms, wrapped you both into a blanket and rocked you back and forth, until no tears were left anymore, and the world seemed a bit brighter again. Then he mumbled soothing reassurances into your hair, kissing you on the forehead.

And like this, you were willing to try. You were willing to try and recover, and create a life that you loved living, with him in it.

a/n: now a note to: @athenawindwolf because I didn't have the courage to say it that night ( we ignore that i'm writing this while you are texting me,still in that night), i'll be your chan friend, and in the context of this fanfic your felix friend, whenever you need me. I hope yk, I never judge anyone, and i've been through a lot too so rlly i would never ever judge or tell anyone if you tell me smth. We said we r the big sisters of our friends now, so that means we r sisters right? Come to me whenever you need to talk. Now this was for u, and I also have to say i'm thankful someone is sharing one of my interests now<3 Ily di angelo.@athenawindwolf (and i hope i didn't make you cry with this fic)

[k0nanharv3y]

I WANT HIM TO BE MAD, I WANT HIM TO COLAPSE AND CRY HIS LUNGS OUT I WANT HIM TO SCREAM... I'm allergic to happiness :[ so then I should proceed

///

Tim knew how to be mean, rude and how to hurt people with his words, I mean, he was raised by Fucking Janet Drake. He knew what he was doing

And he was so done with Damian, and life, apparently

Damian who's being an asshole about his birth rights and how Drake would never be worth enough to have the Robin mantle: The only reason you're part of this family is because father couldn't let go you with what you know!

Tim, who already knows this fact and is running on half an hour of sleep and a liter of coffee only: Oh, really?! The only reason he took you in was because he had to, not because he loved you. We were a choice, you were just an obligation caused by a mistake

And then there was silence

Damian's face was red and there was a glimmer of tears in his eyes. Tim's chest rose and fell as if he had run a marathon

And a heavy folder fell to the floor of the cave, breaking the silence and about to break everything around it

Bruce, who's been listening to the discussion in silence, because he had no right to step into it because he's scared of feelings: Tim! You cannot say that! Apologize!

Tim, who is about to cry because he's so tired: Apologize?! What the hell Bruce!? He started this shit!

Damian stepped away from Tim, frowning, hurt and ready to start fighting if Tim decided to take more physical action against him

Bruce: He is a child!

Tim, feeling something inside him slowly burn: A child?!, That demon tried to kill me and that "child" is 15 years old, he can't not understand the consequences of his actions and his words, you can't-! You can't always defend him Bruce! He has to understand that-

Bruce, who has gotten too close to Tim, standing in front of him, using all his height to appear bigger than him: Of course I can!, He is my son

Tim: I am your son too!

And the silence came again, tears in Tim's eyes. A silent gasp from Bruce and the bats screeching from the screams they were both throwing at each other

Tim: This is unfair...

He muttered, taking steps away from Bruce, lowering his head, red with shame and tears

Tim: It's unfair that he... that you...! I'm your son too, why don't you love me like you love him?

Bruce: Tim, that's not-

Tim: Yes it is!, I understand-! I understood in the past that you weren't at your best, I understood that you didn't love me! I understood that, Bruce!, during my years as Robin I understood that! And I understand that you've changed, I understand that the Bruce that Damian has now is not the Bruce that I had, but it is...! It's unfair that you still don't defend me like you defend him! Not even as your son, but as your partner! It's unfair and-! Why can't you just-?! Why don't you love me, Bruce?!

The tears now had no qualms about falling like waterfalls, and the sobs made his voice sound younger than Tim was, younger than Bruce had ever heard

Bruce: I love you T-

Tim: It's not the same if I have to yell at you, Bruce! Damian gets pets, presents, TIME! And all I got for my birthday was trust issues and trauma, when I pulled you out of the timestream you didn't even-! You didn't even say anything to me! If you didn't love me, then you would have let me keep up with the uncle lie! At least then I'd know what I was getting from you and what you wanted from me!

Their ears registered the sounds of footsteps, the worried voices. But none of them gave a fuck

Tim: What you want from me now, Bruce?! Tell me! What you want from me?!

Bruce: I-

The words caught in the adult's throat, because, the kid in front of him (because Tim was a kid, because he could never grow up to be anything outside of what Bruce needed) looked so tired and nothing Bruce said was going to make up for years of feeling unloved and unwanted, just needed. And Bruce couldn't think of a time when he had ever made that thought questionable (Bruce had literally conditioned the kid to put others before himself)

Bruce: I'm sorry

And if Tim started to sob ugly and wet, that would be his problem. He was so tired to worry about it

///

Part 2 Jumpscare!!

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[synthetickitsune]

Dino (SVT) | Good Luck, Babe! angst | 0.7k | f!reader warnings: reader wants to leave chan at the altar for a woman A/N: i'm so late to be obsessed with this song but oh well lmao

“Hey, uh,” you speak so fast the words blur together, “Do you think we could run away together?”

During the second of silence you realize your words probably weren’t clear enough to be understood, but that doesn’t matter. You only need to say them. You only need for them to be heard. You don’t expect much at this point.

The answer comes from a robotic voice notifying you that the number you called cannot be reached.

That’s not a no - that’s all you can think. 

Since your calls go unanswered, there still is a possibility that the person feels the way you do, right? You’ve been friends since you can remember, surely there’s some chance that she wants happiness for you… right? That she will forgive you and save you from your own choices like she’s always done.

Although you’re sure that your husband-to-be could make you happy too, it doesn’t feel right. You know he could, though. You need to believe it. Chan’s a good man. A kind man. He’s just not�� You don’t even know what he’s not. He’s everything that they say would make a good husband, but is that what you’re looking for? You don’t know. Probably not, seeing as you’re still trying to reach your best friend. Former best friend? There’s too many things you don’t know.

You hang up the unanswered call and let your hand drop. Staring at the lit up screen with the contact info pulled up, it feels like the universe is mocking you. Just then, there’s a knock at your door.

“Love?” It’s Chan.

You quickly try to collect yourself, but you don’t trust your voice not to betray you and your complicated feelings, so you just hum in response. 

“I just… I want you to know that I love you.” You close your eyes and let a wave of gratefulness wash over you. You truly don’t know what you’d do if Chan wasn’t so set on not seeing you in your wedding dress. The door separating you and him feels like the wall you built around yourself inside your own head, one that you never allowed him to break through.

“I know you must be nervous - I’m so nervous. My heart beats so fast it hurts,” he chuckles. All your friends and family always told you that his smile and laughter is infectious, so you used to laugh and smile along whenever he did. This time you don’t.

“But I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together,” the smile in his voice is so loud. You feel nauseous. You call the number again, your fingers trembling as they tap away on the screen. You can only pray that she’ll pick up now, at the worst moment possible. Would you still go through with it? You’d love to say you don’t know, but right now that’s the one thing you’re sure of.

“Just… deep breaths, yeah?” he laughs softly again and you can imagine him standing on the other side of the door, fidgeting with the piece of paper with his vows written on it, “I love you. See you soon.”

You want to cry. The call goes on and on, unanswered once again. At least the tears will be written off as nerves or happiness. Today you can cry as much as you want without judgement. Nobody will know because nobody will ever know you like she does.

She was right, you realize and it almost makes you laugh. She knew that you’ll change your mind when it’s too late. You have no idea why you didn’t listen. You can be oblivious, but you thought you’d be the one to know your heart the best. Apparently, that was another foolish assumption on your part. Just the same as thinking everything will click into place when the wedding day comes and you’ll be walking towards the altar.

It doesn’t matter that Chan’s looking at you like you’re his entire life or that his entire face lights up. It doesn’t matter that some of the guests tear up with genuine happiness for you two. You feel sick to your stomach, your knees almost give up as you meet Chan and he takes his hand in yours.

His vows are a white noise in your ears.

It takes everything in you not to change your vows to a simple apology to her.

[kkpaaw]

Ed n Edna would have adopted Lloyd in a heartbeat if they had found him before the show started I'm right and you're all wrong

They would be such good parents for him man but Lloyd would likely be overwhelmed at first LOL

Going from having no parents looking after you to having two very loving and dotting parents would be jarring and he wouldn't know how to handle it

Meanwhile u have Jay who would be annoyed as shit at first having this random little kid here disturbing his peace having to share his room with(i mean going from being an only kid with ur own room ti having to share it with a random new child would definitely be annoying), but at the same time he kinda likes it cuz with Lloyd around and needing more care than him his parents aren't as overwhelming and suffocating to him anymore (not to say they neglect him, I would never suggest the amazing Ed n Edna would do such a thing)

Lloyd would have no trust in them at first and would be very reserved believe that they want something from him in exchange of giving him a place to sleep and food

(Doesn't help that Jay is being cold to him in the beginning)

So he woudl be doing what he usually does to push folks away, be annoying as shit and cause problems. He's certain that all these problems he's pulling will eventually cause Ed n Eda to drop the "masks" he's convinced they have and reveal what they want,

But it never happens.

They never snap at him, or yell at him, or hit him. The most they do is lightly scold him heck they more often scold Jay who tends to be the one getting angry at him

Despite all lthe trouble he causes they never withhold food, or threaten him. They still treat him with the same level of kindness they had since the beginning and he doesn't know how to handle it.

Is this really real?

Do they really care this much about him?

The thing that finally had Lloyd accept all this was real and that they do want him was the day Edna gave him Mr. Greenbean

A little green stuffed Pig that Edna made herself to go along with Mr. Cuddlywomp, Jay's lil stuffed horse

Lloyd Loved that pig the moment he laid eyes on it and he couldn't stop himself from crying.

It was the first gift anyone has ever gotten him and was made with such love and care

They really do want him....

From then one Lloyd slowly started to adjust to his new life. His pranks, while never fully stopping did die down and were less..destructive.

He still had one problem though that kept him from fully adjusting to this new life

Jay

.

The moment that finally tips Jay and Lloyd's relationship from hostile to...something is when Jay walks in on Lloyd having a panic attack over breaking something in the kitchen

Lloyd(who had finally gotten used to having a stable home) had awoken early In the morning thirsty so he went to get a glass of water. He tried to do it in the dark as to not disturb anyone but had accidentally knocked a glass over shattering it.

Jay woke up not long after him hungry as he usually is at that time of day and noticed Lloyd was missing and then heard the glass shatter

Worried he ran into the kitchen only to see Lloyd on the ground crying nnd panicking as he tried to pick up the glass but in his panick all he was doing was injuring himself with the glass

Jay managed to calm him down and help aide the cleanup as well as providing first aid to Lloyd. They ended up having a loong conversation about Lloyd worries I nwhich Jay told him some insecurities he himself had

After that well

Their relationship was different

Jay didn't feel so negative about Lloyd anymore and Lloyd starting feeling more comfortable around him. They actually started to hang out and realize how much they had in common

It was... nice

(He did slip up and call Ed dad one time which made Ed literally cry but thats besides the point-)

Lloyd felt safe and happy for the first time in a long time. He wouldn't give this up for the world.

And then a random old man found Jay while he was testing an invention and everything changed

[bi-writes]

Hi b!!

This isn’t a request, this is just me venting in a way so you don't have to read this or even reply.

I'm literally so over men because me and this guy have been dating for 8 years...8 YEARSS. And he chooses to cheat on me with my CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND?!!!?!?!?!?

And his reason was "you don't want to have kids with me" .... HO WHAT?!

Like I'm 23, and I'm busy. I'm studying anesthesiology. WHAT DOES HE WANT ME TO DO?! I can't bring a kid into the world when I know for a fact that I'm going to be too busy to spend time with them. I'm also not financially stable enough or mentally ready for it

And it's not like he would be able to look after the kid either. He's too busy going to fucking parties and getting drunk. Probably was getting a shag from other girls too now that I think about it.

Like can this man not get it into his big, fat, stupid head that I've given up every bit of comfort for him. I lost my virginity at 16 for him. I didn't want to , I wanted to stay a virgin until I was in my twenties (Not shaming anyone for losing their virginity early, it's just a preference for me) but he kept pushing and pushing

I genuinely want to punch him. And he had the nerve to cry?!

And guess what my best friend told me!!!! "Don't be so hurt, you're infertile so you would've disappointed him either way. I can Atleast give him something he wants" ouch

LIKE HUH

What am I supposed to do?!

I don't know if I should feel hurt, angry, happy or sad or whatever. I've been with this man for nearly a decade and most of my teenage years. I was literally planning on marrying him.

He was literally all I knew. I don't even know who I am!!

sounds like the universe trashed some nasty people for you.

i think you would very much find reneé rapp's "tummy hurts" very relatable LMAO.

that is so terrible, and i am so sorry that happened to you. i think you're a very responsible and very determined person, and i applaud you for putting yourself first. i say the same thing--where i am right now in my life, i don't want kids. and if my life stays this way, i won't want kids.

now if my future husband ends up being some multi-millionaire and my lifestyle doesn't have to change? sure, i'd think about it. but it's just not realistic for me, and it would do me more harm than good.

i think you are so intelligent and so focused, and you need to surround yourself with people like-minded. i think the only thing you lost here are things that were weighing you down. i'm not going to tell you it doesn't suck and that it won't hurt, because being very sad is totally understandable, but it just sounds to me like it was definitely for the better.

bless that you didn't waste 9+ years on this terrible man. onto the next (or maybe not, i get that too lol). <3

[diazsdimples]

WIP Wednesday

Hiii so I'm introducing a new wip (again, I know, I'm sorry) which is gonna be a cute little lowkey one that I can work on while focussing my energy into finishing Disaster Date. So enjoy a small snip of my 5+1 Buck stargazing/ asking for help from the universe. It will be eventual Buddie.

When he was little, Maddie would bring him here to look at the stars. They’d lie on their backs on top of Maddie’s ratty picnic blanket, and she would point them all out, teaching him their names. He learned the constellations and where to find the planets when they were visible. It was an escape, a haven away from the disappointing looks and harsh words of their parents. “The stars are your friends, Evan,” Maddie had told him one day, when he was 8. “They’ll listen to you and maybe, if you ask them nicely enough, they’ll grant you a wish.” Now that he’s older and thirteen, for crying out loud, Evan knows she was just trying to cheer him up. God, how many times had they wished upon a star together over the years? Just last month, they’d been here, and Evan had wished he’d get onto the football team at school. Maddie had been happy and giggling, a light in herself that Evan barely recognised. She’d been so excited about something, and now Evan knows what. Doug. He hates the guy. Doug looks at Evan the way he’d imagine he would look at a piece of dog mess on his shoe. Sometimes, when Maddie isn’t looking, Evan sees Doug looking at her the same way, and it fills him up with that same hot rage. And then Maddie went and moved in with him, today of all days, and Evan doesn’t know what to do. He’s angry. He’s furious. He feels betrayed, abandoned, helpless, afraid, alone. He can’t handle their parents, not on his own. Maddie has always been a buffer, protecting Evan from the full scale of their frustration. She’s covered up for him God knows how many times, taken the heat for something he did or minimised the damage he’d done. Without her, he’s done for. It's this desperation that drove him here. Even though it’s been years since he believed in it, he has to talk to the stars.

Tagged by @hippolotamus @bi-buckrights (welcome back!) @bekkachaos @daffi-990 @rainbow-nerdss and @spotsandsocks, thank you friends! I shall get to your snips tonight!

np tagging @theotherbuckley @bigfootsmom @cal-daisies-and-briars @midsummersmorn @inell

@kitteneddiediaz @steadfastsaturnsrings @buddiekinard @exhuastedpigeon @wikiangela

@bidisasterevankinard @ravipanikking @bucksbignaturals @slightlyobsessedwitheverything and anyone else who wants to join bc I've forgotten my taglist

[vidavalor]

While I see some sexuality in the opening title sequence (and at least two other non-sexual ways to interpret that lol), I'm not sure I agree with the interpretation in the post you linked... it flies in the face of the rest of the canon of the show, which is really, really emphatic about the characters having the same, shared lack of preferences where that's concerned.

People can fanon whatever they want, of course, it's all just fun & games, but if you're talking about being true to what's in the canon itself, then I'm at a loss as to why this is still a matter of debate when it's shown across several scenes in both seasons that they both enjoy taking turns being the receptive partner? The playful bickering over taking the train vs. going by car in S2 is a flirty faux-argument over which one of them is going to top the next time they have sex, for just one example?

Thanks for reading/reblogging.💕 re: backchanneling-- yeah. Good rule of thumb here seems to be that if it can be innuendo, it's innuendo lol. The number of people who will look me dead in the internet eye and tell me that 2.06 is the first kiss when so much first-rate both romantic and hot dialogue in this story already exists makes my tired old writer heart cry.

So many are dying for them to fuck or confess or get together or something and they're missing all the sexy bits that already exist. It's not about them getting together-- it's about a forbidden romance. Their happy ending is getting to be openly together but they're already together. The pining/yearning comes from wanting to be safer and to have the open life that others can have, not from never having been together at all.

How can anyone honestly believe they're not already lovers when scenes like this one below exist?! You guys know the innuendo in the bit below is Aziraphale continuing the fun of the sexually euphemistic Bullet Catch and flirtatiously saying that he knew it'd all be fine because Crowley always comes for him, right?!

Thanks for the venting space, @kimberleyjean. I feel better now 😂

"is, and always has been"

In 1.01, The Voice of God said:

Everyone knows that the best place for a clandestine meeting in London is, and always has been, St. James' Park.

Visually, as she's narrating, we see a lot of indication of the type of clandestine meeting to which she's referring being those between intelligence officers, yes?

St. James' Park in Good Omens is swarmed by background characters of people trying to look casual on park benches with newspapers and briefcases and every type of fun, spy movie cliche there is. Our main characters are also spies on different sides of a conflict so we're definitely getting the surface-level vibe of espionage here pretty easily...

...but that's when it's important to note the inclusion of the "is, and always has been" in her narration.

This gives the audience permission to bring into the story the full history of St. James' Park in London when taking into account her meaning. It's encouraging people who do not know this history to go look it up and apply what they learn to the story. [Many of you likely already know this park's history but I have seen a lot of indication in posts that many do not so that's why I made the post.] The line in The Voice of God's narration is worded in such a way that we don't actually fully understand her meaning unless we know more about the history of St. James' Park.

One does not have to do a ton of digging to get the gist of what's being referenced here, though. It doesn't take long with even just the most cursory of skims-- using only the park's entry on Wikipedia as a source, even-- to find this relevant bit of info:

While Charles II was in exile in France under the Commonwealth of England, he was impressed by the elaborate gardens at French royal palaces, and on his ascension he had the park redesigned in a more formal style, probably by the French landscaper André Mollet. A 775-metre by 38-metre (850 by 42-yard) ornamental canal was created as evidenced in the old plan. The king opened the park to the public and used the area to entertain guests and mistresses, such as Nell Gwyn. The park became notorious at the time as a meeting place for impromptu acts of lechery, as described by John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester in his poem "A Ramble in St James's Park".[12]

Should one wish to, I can attest that one can find some very entertaining reading material regarding this period of English history with a little further additional research. The general idea, though, is that, in much wilder times in its history than the last few decades, St. James' Park was absolutely competing for the prize of being history's most notorious hookup park.

By taking pains to include St. James' Park's history with the "is, and always has been" part of the line, the park's history is then reflected in what types of clandestine meetings we're discussing. It makes it clear that we're not just talking about spycraft but also about sex.

And what of the immortal characters The Voice of God is discussing? The ones who were alive and in England during this more amusingly debauched period of St. James' Park's history?

Are Crowley and Aziraphale new to the park, having just started clandestinely meeting here a couple of months or years ago, while St. James' Park has been in its modern, more genteel, spy era?

Definitely not is what we're specifically, emphatically, told by The Voice of God. 😂 They've been backchanneling in these woods for quite awhile now...

[alexjcrowley]

I have far too few hours of sleep but I am having a sliiight mental breakdown over Ferrari winning yesterday. It was so beautiful it still hurts.

[greylight32]

"you don't say shit to Normal, he's ours"

they share everything, and it is so fucking depressing

[astralhope]

- No, this is one duel I refuse to lose! -

[mingyuskim]

[sysig]

Handplates and haircut and more Handplates after that (Patreon)

[nebulousfishgills]

Reading Emily's saga from HTM to Necrosis (plus Instinct and finishing with Shades of Blue) to @bowersbubbles has been a very rewarding experience, getting real time feedback while I make her laugh, lose her shit, and cry while I swallow mucus by the mouthful since my nose has Issues.

Apologies to my much beloved roommate for having to vaguely hear me reading out loud into the 1 or even 2 AM.

[fuwaprince]

...

[uptownhags]

i have changed in many, many ways since stacy king last released an album but "losing my mind about sucré for 3 people" is a constant that you all should expect tomorrow!!

[joplinspiderz]

this person is just so biteable 💔💔💔