#I'm fine with discussing it now however. I don't blame myself for what I was subjected to anymore

[such-scary]

it's hard to discuss your experience as a grooming victim when your story differs from others' so much

to me it never went as "as a kid I had an adult friend who liked me too much", but rather as "I lied about my age as a preteen and early teen and hung around explicit adult spaces for years and those who figured I wasn't an adult either didn't care or took advantage of it"

[call-sign-shark]

Following the heart-wrenching posts of @red-riding-wood, @kittenonpluto and @aurorag98 I feel like I have to write this. By no means I have experienced traumatizing interactions with @mrkdvidal1989 aka Killian Vidal but this whole situation and what he did to girls here make me enraged.

First of all, I want to reassure all the beloved mutuals who have been reaching out to me or who have been worried about my well-being because they saw me interacting a few times with Killian. I am perfectly fine and I'm not much here this week because I have been working a lot.

As for my relationship with Killian... Well, we were barely talking to each other actually. I know I am bad at replying to my DMs but this is not the reason why I ghosted him -- I purposefully did so because, like many of you, the guy gave me the biggest red flags. We talked a few times, and he called me hot when he saw the gym pics/selfies I posted. He quickly suggested we meet together to go to the gym and watch horror movies during my stay in the UK and to this I replied positively while knowing I would never ever do so. Right from the start I suspected him to be a liar and I felt he had built up everything about his life. Also, I come from a military family with many relatives working in special units of the French Navy, and let me tell you something: I screamed at the thought of a former soldier (from the SAS!! lmao) spending all of his time writing reader-insert fanfic for a female audience and discussing with Cillian fangirls. I don't say it's impossible, but it's VERY unlikely.

To me, Killian was just an attention-seeking catfish I'd never meet and who I found both boring and childish. In my opinion, I thought he just wanted to have a small court around him to strut around, nothing more. I tried to search for info about him to warn people, I mean I even doubted he was a man... However, I found nothing plus he seemed to be IRL friends with a few mutuals here who actually chatted with him via phone so I didn't want to take the risk of spreading hate about someone just because of a gut feeling. Never in a million years, I would have imagined he was toying with girls from the Peaky Blinders community, collecting nudes, gaslighting/harassing them, breaking them into pieces, promising marriage, and going as far as to promise a life-saving medical treatment to a dear friend of mine. I am devastated by what I have read this morning, and "devasted" is not even powerful enough. Learning from Red that he talked about fucking me when we meet while we never talk about sex, never flirted or anything (we just small-talked once in a while lmao) might be a bit creepy but it's nothing compared to what he has done to girls here.

I am deeply sorry to all the people who have been hurt by his horrible actions and are now facing long-term consequences because of him, some of them being my close mutuals. I send positive vibes, love, and healing to every one of you who had to deal with this psycho. I know a lot of people have already said that but my DMs are opened if you need a safe place. The Peaky Blinders / Cillian Murphy community is a nice place, maybe the most welcoming place I've ever seen on the Internet but we should all keep in mind that it is not safe from ill-intentioned users and predators. Please stay safe and, for the victims, don't blame yourself. You haven't been naive nor stupid or anything. The only one to blame is the person behind Killian Vidal's persona, and for the evil you've done, I hope you'll get fucked with a chainsaw. Or just fucking rot in hell.

Shark.

[kyluxtrashpit]

Hiya! I hope you're doing well. I made the Hottest Star Wars Man Poll, so when your posts about it were brought to my attention, I felt I should probably reach out.

The polls are just for fun. I make them with no agenda, and I run them with no agenda. I've received messages talking about bots before, but I never wanted to get into the weeds about it.

However, as the discussion about bots is bigger than I realized, I guess now is as good a time as any to speak about it:

My opinion is that the spikes in Hux votes are a mere side-effect of the poll being passed around the internet and bringing in new voters in droves. As your Anon mentioned, @tomatette's edits might's also pulled in waves of people who voted for Hux out of fidelity to her.

I'm fine with the campaigning. As long as the vote is ultimately achieved by a human clicking on the vote themselves, it's alright by me. Hell, I always reblog 'propaganda' I particularly like, and I even requested some Anakin propaganda when he was in his elimination round. It's all fun and games to me.

However.

If anyone is using bots, I'm asking nicely for them to please stop. I'm going to pull the 'I'm not mad, I'm disappointed' card on anyone botting. The polls are all strictly unserious things, so I hope that nobody is taking them too seriously.

Hi there! Sorry the nonsense has reached you, honestly lmao. I just wanted to make a post cause I was upset about the possibility (and, as I've said, I don't have rock solid proof, just suspicions based on observations by myself and others, so like. If people don't agree with me, that's fine, it's all good - I just wanted to speak out in case it was happening like, as a kyluxer, I don't want people to think that if someone is botting, that's something we as a fandom are chill with). I honestly didn't expect it to get quite this much attention either but here we are. I also want to make it clear to both you and my followers that I don't put any blame of anything on you - you're just making fun polls and that's it, you're not responsible for what people do or what drama may arise

I do agree it's possible someone just got a bunch of people to vote within a small window of time, like anything is possible, always is. I just feel like some of the increases I saw, observations from others, and things I've heard are enough to warrant suspicion. If people do or do not agree that there's a reason to think it happened, that's their choice and I'm not going to insist that my word is law and they have to believe me. I don't have receipts, I was just expressing myself and I do appreciate amicable discussion even if my mind has not been changed as of yet

But yeah I agree, propaganda and making funny edits and posts - that's not at all what I was referring to in terms of 'cheating', but somewhere it seems that got mentioned in the discussion? (3 separate people have brought this up to me lmao, like thinking I'm accusing them but I am NOT and no one better be out there accusing them either without actual evidence beyond 'oh you posted about it' cause that's a shitty thing to do) and I also want to make it clear I am not against propaganda fun. That's all just part of it. If people are mad about that, that's their problem and they should use blacklist more liberally. And if people are saying I'm saying that, then those people are either lying or are at 'how dare you say we should piss on the poor' levels of reading comprehension lmao

But yeah, I'll post this publicly, but let me know if you want it taken down and I'll delete it - I appreciate you reaching out and I'm sorry you had to deal with this, that was definitely not my intent when I made the post. I just wanted the botting, if it is indeed happening (and if it's not, all the better, I am just not yet convinced it didn't happen), to stop

And lastly, because of some of the DMs I've received: if you, the person reading this (not you the asker), are sending hate or harassment to people based on my post, FUCKING STOP IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, you're no better than the bad actors I was initially referring to

[risingsouls]

[Okey dokey. Now that I've imploded and have picked up those pieces (maybe), I want to discuss what I plan to do moving forward. I want to preface this by saying I do not blame anyone but myself for getting to this point. I didn't follow my own rules, and it has made me uncomfortable with what I'm doing on this blog.

This is mainly about shipping so, if you ship with me, you'll want to take a gander. Under the cut for obvious reasons and to not annoy people.]

So, this has really been a long time coming but I do think I want to reset pretty much all my ships. Again, this is not anyone else's fault but my own, but I've just sort of become bored with what I've been doing in that realm. I went against my own rule of building up ships and allowed them to be rushed instead of built from the ground up like I like. I want to go through the stages of getting two (or more as the case might rarely be who knows) muses into a relationship. I want to see the messy parts. I want to do more than just having relationships be established from almost the jump after one or two small interactions. It's not fair to my muses who are all pretty damn picky. I don't feel like I'm doing right by them by not building these relationships properly. I do love all the ships that have happened, but I'm just not happy with myself for not sticking to my guns about REALLY building them.

What does this mean? Good question. By default, I think this means that I'm just going to wipe the board clean of all ships, save for a few exceptions. I'm also going to lay some ground rules for shipping in general that are honestly more a reminder for me, but also a sort of "this is what you can expect" thing moving forward for my partners.

First and foremost, I'm going to be pickier. I'm not going to allow people to just come at my muses from the jump with anything that's obviously shippy in an established way. Flirting is fine, but if I get something like "I've always loved you" (within reason on this one because that could be interesting) or "we've been married for sixteen years!" when there was no build up to this or they're basically strangers, I'm going to ignore it. Anyone is welcome to come ask me to ship, but, at the risk of sounding harsh, we're BOTH going to have to work for it.

If characters have a history, either in my canon or regular canon, I'm obviously willing to be a WEENSY bit more lenient. For example, Nabooru and Vegeta, in my AU crossover shenanigans, already have some history. Not necessarily as a romantic relationship (unless it's way down the line and even that's not traditional), but they did build some rapport with each other in that realm to some degree. However, since my Vegeta isn't the same as someone else's, I do still want to do the lifting with getting them off the ground. I want to see how it would differ with someone else's Vegeta than with what I've written/imagined in my AU. And I should also disclaimer that no other Vegeta or any other character needs to know Nabooru or any other one of my characters in the way they do in my AU.

This is where I'm afraid I might hurt feelings or lose RP partners, though I really hope I don't as it's not intended. As mentioned, I am starting ships over. I know I told some people recently that I was okay with continuing what we had, but it's become clear that I'm not happy with what I allowed and how I rushed things. Basically, I am very much still willing to explore the ships I already have again! But I do want to sort of start at some kind of beginning. To build it from the ground or close to it up. If you don't want to deal with that, I understand, but I feel this is necessary for me to feel good about what I'm doing again.

I think that covers everything. If you have questions, don't hesitate to pop in my DMs or hmu on dis.cor.d. Again, I'm not upset with anyone at all! This was definitely a me issue that I didn't get a handle on before I let it get to the point it bothered me.

[northwest-cryptid]

I believe I've finally figured out why this website feels so exhausting to me. It's a few reasons but they all sort of funnel down into the same sort of "overall thing" which is that you're not allowed.

Allowed to what? Anything.

No no, stay with me a moment here let me explain.

See Tumblr doesn't really have an algorithm outside of the "For You" tab, everything you see is funneled into your dash through the people you follow, and by extension the people they follow, and then their dashboard is populated by the people they follow. What this means is that you don't have a lick of real privacy here.

That's true for most of the internet, however if I make my own website, host my own blog; and write my own thoughts and opinions there. It's a pretty clear concept that what I'm writing is mostly for me, secondarily for you as the reader; and ultimately not for "everyone" which is fine.

What we have on tumblr is essentially a huge open forum, where anyone can add anything; to any post. Which isn't inherently the issue, but you've got so many smaller fandoms, communities, and politically aligned groups who believe whatever the hot topic of the week is.

Which, for all the nuance people want to put forth in issues like "do you like coffee" becoming "I only like certain kinds" or "I only like certain flavors" or "I only like it cold!" Suddenly becomes a no nuance "no actually coffee is bitter." If you dare to say "well not all coffee is bitter" you're labeled with "oh look they said #Not All Coffee!" You're sent anon hate, you're ridiculed and dragged through the mud for stating something. It doesn't matter how right you might be either, if it's not popular to side with you; people won't do so.

Obviously my coffee question metaphor is a sort of blanket example that is meant to encompass a broader topic of discussion. We don't talk about the nuance of issues, everything is black and white; and furthermore people act like they want to.

But because it's an open forum for everyone, someone from an opposing side of the argument, or someone who doesn't like what you're saying or how much attention it's getting; can easily toss in their two cents.

Your only option to stop this? Disable reblogs from everyone, stop the conversation with you. Isolate yourself to the point using SOCIAL media is all but pointless. I have enjoyed using this website significantly less after having to turn off asks and submissions, but can you blame me when I was actively getting hate and annoying remarks on the daily?

Now normally I'd argue "hey if that many people don't like me maybe I'm doing or saying something wrong!" Thing is, it's not like I've not reflected on that; when I get some form of hate, I tend to do my best to ignore the actual hate and focus on what's trying to be said under the layers of "go kill yourself." Typically it's "I don't like what you're saying" or "you said too much and I didn't bother reading it all because I have TikTok brain!" However there's a handful of times when people actually do explain their side of the argument politely and I can sort of learn that this isn't the place to talk about certain things.

Like when I openly talk about how porn addiction isn't real, I get a lot of people saying they themselves are victims of it. Yea fam I thought I used to be as well, and then I educated myself about what addiction really is; and understood the nuance of the situation:

To put it plainly, addiction is when your brain chemistry is physically changed in a way where you form a genuine dependency on the substance that changed it. This change can be temporary or permanent; which means something like coffee can be actually addicting since it can even temporarily make you dependent on the caffeine to function.

However, did you know; that there's literally no way to change your brain chemistry with pornography? Yea believe it or not, that's a total myth. That being said it's not a myth that masturbation does release dopamine and generally can help people suffering from a lack of dopamine; typically this involves people who are depressed.

This is a two fold thing, since if you're not literally ace your brain likely produces hormones that tell you that you're supposed to be reproducing; which means it will more easily motivate you to masturbate than say, play a video game or listen to music.

You brain isn't just concerned with producing dopamine, it's just hardwired for survival of the species; so you can easily get yourself to jack off but god forbid you try to do something fun with your time. Depression is just sort of like that; you lack the motivation to do much of anything, so falling back on masturbation for a quick hit of dopamine is easy.

Now this causes a feedback loop where you find the easiest, and most effective method of keeping yourself happy is to watch porn and jack off. That's not a clinical addiction; that's just literally the nature of your brain at work.

Why do I say all of this? Because this is the sort of thing I can't talk about on this site; not without 50 random anon messages either agreeing with me or telling me this is a women's issue and I shouldn't talk on it "as a man." Which is fun because I thought we were all supportive of LGBT but it turns out I'm not a valid NB because I don't shave my facial hair or something.

We don't discuss the nuance, we don't actually bother to read and understand what each other have to say; we just get mad about shit constantly. How dare you have an opinion that I don't have.

We say buzz words are bad, but then we use buzz words when they benefit us.

We say generalization is bad when it applies to the LGBT, or PoC but you know; those white people and cis and christians are all the same... right?

Talking on this site is like walking through a mine field; my mutuals might politely just go about their day, or maybe even agree with me. God forbid my post "breach containment" I start getting messages from people I don't even know. People start commenting and reblogging on my posts to yell at me about shit I literally covered already.

I can literally say "I don't think this is bad, but I think it's a bit more nuanced than this and we need to look at it from this angle too" and I'll get comments saying "I can't believe you think this is bad!" To which I just kind of sit there wondering how you somehow couldn't be fucked to actually read what I said and understand it.

I know we joke about the reading comprehension on this site, but I am serious when I say people will READ what I say; but not COMPREHEND what I say. I didn't understand how or why that was happening for a long time and now I think I finally get it.

It's because this site is all about knee-jerk emotional reaction response.

Don't tell me it's not, think about it; every time someone on this site needs help or financial aid what are the first words you see?

Typically it's some form of their entire label chain "help a lesbian, genderfluid, PoC, with [Disabilities] pay rent!" Not just "Hey I lost my job and need help paying my bills" Like dude I'd help if I could in either scenario but when you lead in with literally like 10 random labels I have to wonder if maybe you're trying to say "we're the same you and I, we come from the same community" or if you're trying to say "you get woke points for helping ME because I'm not just some cis white straight guy!" It feels like borderline guilt tripping.

When we see posts about how "love language" is fake, I'm literally told "it was invented by some CHRISTIAN MAN so he could PRESSURE his POOR WIFE into SEX!" Like whoa boy that's one hell of a claim; even if it's true that's still a bit of an emotionally charged statement you know?

It's like, well sure; I'd love to talk about how the concept of love languages isn't entirely false. To say that is to ignore that people love in different ways, and feel loved in different ways. Let's not even get me started, as someone who became hypersexual thanks to being sexually abused (and yes I am in fact amab, and was in fact groomed by a cis woman when I was a minor; and she was a 26 year old in the navy. Later I was again sexually abused by a cis woman when I was a few years older.) On the topic of the whole "people pressure others into sex saying it's the only way they feel worth and love." Like alright yea let's literally not perhaps look into that trauma response and maybe try to help these people live normal lives.

It's the same way I see people talk about pornography. They go off about the porn industry being extremely horrible towards women. Which like, yea it absolutely can be; and mostly is. There's no mention of the way we view men, and how the way the media portrays men is just as harmful to young boys with self esteem issues and all that. We don't talk about how stupid the idea of dick size mattering is; no we in fact reinforce negative amab issues by saying "that's small dick energy bro" and the like. You bring that up and people will say you're ignoring women's issues; absolutely the fuck I'm not? I'm just trying to make you aware the problem is actually larger than just that. "Oh but we're just focusing on this right now" right, that's fine; but you're literally ignoring the other problems.

It's like how when people bring up how there's bans on pornography or, how people view pornography we always have to make it about how this effects the LGBT before people care. We go around saying "sex work is real work" but then we also go "these poor women on OnlyFans who are FORCED to do sex work need to be saved uwu" meanwhile I know a LOT of women who enjoy doing work on OnlyFans, and who hit me up to be their manager because I have a reputation as being a chill dude who can help them grow their numbers. I have a lot of connections in NSFW spaces and yes believe it or not sex work IS in fact real work; which is why like we should probably actually focus on the real industry problems. The women and even men being harmed by this are not typically your OnlyFans indies; but your industry people.

This is like how if I bring up the stigma on pornography I'm labeled poorly for it, I'm told I'm misogynistic which like, I don't believe I am; but believe it or not I have done a lot of self reflection on it. I even went around to a lot of women I know and sat down with them to talk about whether or not they believed I was misogynistic or if I had some form of unnoticed internalized misogyny. Do you know what those women (and yes, some were in fact; as we say here on tumblr transwomen) had to tell me? They literally told me that I need to chill the fuck out and get off tumblr because it was only contributing to my anxiety.

You're not allowed to talk about things on this site, because you're not allowed to be wrong. You're not allowed to grow and change, you're not allowed to have a flawed opinion that needs to be workshopped with some other people who could talk with you on the subject. You're not allowed to be given kindness, you're not allowed to speak up on issues that matter to you.

It's how I speak up on Native issues, even more specifically sometimes Lakota issues. Only to have other Natives and even other Lakota disagree with me; and then a bunch of their followers dogpile into my inbox to tell me how stupid and wrong and bad I am for having lived the experience of being a "breed" back during a time when racism in Native communities was much more rampant than it still is.

On this site you're told how bad and wrong and sad it is, that we as people have been reduced to being "content creators" who have to make the most palatable entertainment for the masses. Then you speak to a niche, say something about your lived experience; or simply have an opinion and whoops there it is. You're now public enemy number 1, all those posts about how it's rotten and evil and wrong to tell someone to kill themself? That doesn't matter anymore, not to the dozens of anons in your inbox who have found "slightly more creative ways" to say the same thing.

You either get to be an aesthetics blog, who never has an opinion, or a voice of their own; and you get to keep your ask box open and enjoy being toted around as a good person and shit. Or you speak your mind and immediately get labeled by someone as something.

Tumblr is no better than twitter in this regard, it's no better than reddit; it's not even any better than 4chan if I'm being honest. We just really don't want to admit that because there ARE a handful of us who are genuinely just chill people trying to enjoy blogging and staying in our lane. The problem comes when other people decide they're going to merge into oncoming traffic without so much as a turn signal because they revel in the discourse.

It sucks because I cannot tell you how valuable discussion and such is to me. I cannot tell you how many times I've come out here and said my piece, spoke my mind; and someone has politely come out to the post to mention things from their own angle. We have a back and forth, maybe we both learn something. I walk away with information I didn't have before, and they do as well. It's a way for us to see things from someone else's perspective. We're all unique individuals, we all have different lived experiences; we all know stuff other's do not. I value that information, the interaction we're allowed to have as human beings who can communicate.

This website however does not.

It feels strongly like this website merely wants to tell me to shut up and kill myself.

But hey, don't worry I'll probably reblog a funny video of a cat; or wholesome anime picture; or a funny meme in 2 minutes and we'll all just move on with our day.

[oopsallshane]

More to discuss! (Part 1) Marnie!! And more specifically, how much I fucking despise Shane's Heart Events!! I will be blunt and say, I do not like how Marnie is written. I feel like her character is all over the place, she really is just treated like some background character. Which would be fine if they didn't also imply her entire personality is just being a woman Lewis blatantly uses and disrespects. Once again, people can have their own understanding and comprehension of Marnie - you can have your own interpretation of her and Shane's relationship and yada yada. I don't really care; I get my mind doesn't work the same as yours. Disclaimer is disclaimer. Same with if you like the drama that ensues when it comes to Shane's heart events, if you're entertained by them that is you. But I think they're very shittily written and blatantly disrespect and disregard his attributes. To each their own. However, My issue with her likes within the vagueness of what her and Shane's relationship is.

Because Marnie is coded to be this very friendly face, her design depicts her as always smiling and cheerful - she is very empathetic towards animals, and she is welcoming of Shane and Jas into her ranch. She is also a bit naive and a bit of a pushover, when it comes to her relationship with Lewis. Clearly, she is a woman going through some things of her own. But she is choppy. Other than being a simple NPC you can interact with via shopping at her ranch, and also her side plot with Lewis, I myself have failed to see any other smidge of her personality. And the impression I get of her is in the heart events with Shane... and they are not good impressions. The first of Shane's heart events where Marnie is featured is at 4 Hearts - where she finds Shane passed out and clearly intoxicated within his room. This is where I blame the writing rather than her - but her reaction is very... stale. She comes in and is mildly uncomfortable before dragging you into the situation. Now, I am not knocking the idea of people accidentally budding into business that is not theirs - events like these have happened in front of me in my lifetime and it is always awkward. Plus, you're the main character anyway - but some events happen without you being present (one with Shane as well??) though that's not fully the mark I'm trying to hit at the moment. Why I knock the writing for this scene is because it just doesn't make any sense, and Mechanics Vs Storytelling start headbutting... Because as she's confronting Shane, she says something along the lines of: "All you ever do is sit in your room and drink." Which is... not true? Visually, Shane is actually never home unless it's on the weekends. Shane is constantly working, that's sort of the point of why he's spiraled into this mess (among other things that aren't touched on that nudge his depression, like the loss of his best friends who were Jas' parents that he never truly touches on.) And when he does drink, he's always seen drinking at the Saloon specifically - or outside, as seen in his first heart event you get with him. But that's just the point of looking at it more literally again. Mechanically, Shane is never at home. But the story is trying to convince me that Shane is a drunken slob at home at all hours. Story wise, I'm supposed to just embrace that as a thing that we just don't see. It's a narrative that you're not supposed to think too deeply about and just take it at face value. But I am... autistic-- So, it rubbed me the wrong way hearing her say this. She could have clarified that she meant whenever he is home, this is what she catches him doing. She could have rephrased herself a lot of different ways, but the specific line implying "this is all you ever do." is a complicated one. That's more so the writing rather than her, as said. She goes on to prod him about his issues as she can clearly see Jas is coming into the room. Once again, this is a realistic event - children coming in to overhear things they really should not have. I can't really complain about this part, as heart breaking as it is, it is a real thing that can happen and has also happened to us. Not pretty.

But the focus is on how much Shane fucks up in this moment.

Because everyone knows Shane goes on to imply, he is off the deep end when it comes to his depression. That he can no longer see a future for himself and heavily states in a sloshed way that he just doesn't want to live for much longer anyway.

His back is turned, and he has no idea Jas is here - but Marnie does. As Jas is... literally standing next to her.

While I don't think Shane should have said something like that - he literally had no idea Jas was there. And was airing things out thinking we were all in solitude. And it's not really his fault, he was being confronted on the spot and also... drunk. And depressed. He's not going to say pleasant things during the confrontation.

Again, the focus is on how much Shane has messed up and it's saddening. He's clearly upset by this and regretful, and Shane being the focus of a scene where it's literally his event isn't what bothers me.

It's the fact Marnie could have also handled things differently.

But my beef is not with this heart event, this one was a mild irritation.

[icharchivist]

I mean, yeah, obviously, Reddit videos are harmless fun and sometimes you just want some noise while you debate whether you're gonna take a nap or not, but thanks anyway.

And yeah, looks like you'd already familiarized yourself with Somerton's thoughts then, if you already read the stuff he's been plagiarizing.

You explained that really well btw, maybe you should also do investigative journalism 🤔

But it definitely feels like you dodged a bullet. I just feel bad for people who weren't so lucky and admired and even supported these creators. That's gotta be quite a shock.

I also agree on the plagiarism discussion being in the spotlight right now being a good thing. I just hope it stays there and doesn't just disappear again in two weeks, because it is an important topic and it doesn't get less important in times of Chat GPT and such, but I'm also rambling.

It was a good video and I was thoroughly entertained and yeah, I'll keep my eyes peeled from now on. Semi-related, but Somerton is a bad person on a lot of fronts, between the plagiarism, the victim complex, setting his co-writer up as the scapegoat and the misogyny. Just an all around despicable person.

If you haven't even watched a show, don't make content on it, you stupid idiot. May he find an office job now that his career has hopefully imploded.

yeah right! i just felt the need to reassure in case, it can be so easy to beat oneself down for some silly stuff like that, i felt the need to clarify ^^

And yeah lmao, quite wild turn of event, all things considered.

And aww thank you so much! i don't know if i could ever go into investigation journalism, it demands a whole lot more research and patience than i happen to have ahah. But for what it's worth i do have two diplomas centering around researching and analysing historical texts and various media analysis (mainly literature, but also cinema in general). One of those diploma is in French (which also involved philosophy analysis) and the other is in English (which involved translation and linguistic analysis) so yeah. (while at it i also have a general art diploma that also involved art history analysis for instance). Like i don't like to brag about it and all and i still think i have many blind spots, but it's kinda why i'm passionate about media analysis and about historical integrity in general. I don't think i'm doing things super well, but as Harris says in the video, this is the typical type of skill you don't realize you have because it's a second nature to analyse the stuff you run into that way. (i did get teachers tell me that i had a natural gift for analysis and incredible insight, but i haven't recovered from that at all and if i let myself talk i'll downplay it super bad lmao but that sure was a thing) So at least i do have the desire to dig into stuff on another level, it's the way i've interreacted with media both for fun and for my studies to start with. But i'm also very lazy about sourcing, mostly because i read a lot of things, forget where i read it, and then it becomes just my base knowledge so if i want to regurgitate it i'm just like weep. what is a source. so i have no pretension of doing it professionally and i encourage people to take everything i say with a grain of salt honestly.

but yeah, i definitely feel like i dodged a bullet but i feel horrible for the people the guy scammed. Like he was stealing the work of vastly more experienced creators, and even surface levels stuff are fine because there's a first to any topic you get into - and i think he specifically appealed to people who didn't have a lot of ressources to start with, so those things were brand new for them. We can't blame people for wanting to learn. It is however shocking to see someone using this desire for his own notoriety while trampling over the rest of the community he builds himself upon while stealing from it.

I sympathize a lot with the people who did use to follow him. It's harder to see the red flags when you feel your concern heard for once in your life and you have nowhere else to expend your horizons to. I truly hope the former fans are going to be okay, and i feel so much for those who actually paid money for all of this :(

and i agree, i hope the conversation about plagiarism stays there and is actually discussed in depth. I do worry people might scapegoat Somerton so much that they forget the main point about the plagiarism complains, but it is also hasty to make this remark now as everyone is heated by the content of the videos and it's normal for now they're talking about Somerton more than not. I do hope the conversation about plagiarism remains when everything else die down though. It is an important thing in our current landscape, especially with AI, as you say, and yea, as Harris also says

shows how well you understood one of the purpose of the video that you saw this argument coming right ;D you should be proud of yourself for actually connecting the dots honestly.

I'm glad you liked the video though! truly!

And yeah Somerton is...truly problematic on various level. I do appreciate that Harris focused on the factual approach of plagiarism, the one thing people can't really go against. But the more you look into his general behavior, especially the stuff he adds when he goes off script from the plagiarism, the more it's bewildering. and honestly i feel horrible for the people he stole the words of, who had to have those disgusting addition added to their own personal experience. What a dreadful thing.

AND YEAH GOD how does he get the CONFIDENCE to talk about a show he didn't watch just from stealing from people!! and i have an imposter complex when i talk about things I HAPPEN TO KNOW VERY WELL because i'm constantly stressing out about "shit what if i misread it though"??? if anything thanks to this video for doing a number to beat down my inferiority complex. Like geez i might be an analysis fraud but at least i only engage MY OWN OPINIONS when i'm wrong! that's a win!

but i'm honestly glad to see the general reception to this video on tumblr, even from ex-Somerton fans. It shows the willingness to really look into things, the intellectual curiosity that is necessary to navigate this type of analytic corners.

I've seen a lot of Internet History fans on twitter being super mad at Harris for this video for being "an hypocrite" who "is only blasting IH because he's not a leftie" like...... tell me you didn't finish watching the video without telling me you didn't finish watching the video.... And it's bewildering to me how they're missing the plagiarism concerns because they're too busy supporting the political allignment of the guy who is accused of it.

This video is a reckoning honestly but good lord. what a mess.

[j0ekw]

Hey did anyone else (particularly ppl who have been to uni) have a bad experience reading Loveless? Not even that its a bad book or anything, I just had a rly hard time with it (I've stopped reading it like halfway)

(B4 reading do be aware that this is quite personal and is more about my experience than the book itself, if ur just looking for discussion on the book specifically then this proly isn't up ur alley)

Like obviously the main character struggling with their sexuality and the consequences that has on the ppl around them is going to be especially sore if that struggle is relatable (which is a bridge I don't want to cross rn). But, as a Uni Student also in the UK, I found the setting weirdly upsetting.

Now its a different uni to mine, the characters are doing different courses to me and come from different backgrounds, but like I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal. In the book, sure there's conflict but the MC, who's just started in first year, is going to uni with ppl they know, they're getting to know ppl there quickly, they're going to cafe's and societies etc. Where I left it off, they were at this prom thing in fancy clothes with a ton of events coming to ahead, and there was a major conflict coming to ahead in the middle of a bouncy castle fight. Its a scene with bad consequences, but like the whole time I can't help but think about how amazing the event sounds, and how cool everyone looks.

My first year was spent being ill, tired all the time from work and the ppl in accommodation, being uncomfortable around most ppl and then, being afraid of some bullshit fine from the uni for keeping the kitchen clean that I felt I was the only one taking seriously (I don't even know if they were legally able to enforce it) and of course, with 2020 rolling around, covid. And sure, things have gotten a bit better since then, it took a few years but I found a good community, better housemates and a better job. And there were good bits in first year. However, reading that book, I couldn't help but think; has my experience been so bad that I can't even fathom what a good uni experience is meant to be? Because the book sounds fake, and maybe there are some exaggerated bits to make it more exciting, but even though I find a lot in common with the MC, it feels like they're in a world a million miles away from my own. Every cafe experience is tainted with regret bc I could've gotten the food cheaper, every society social felt like "go to pub" so god forbid you can't or don't want to drink, I don't think I've even been to a formal event. And even now, as a person helping to run a society, I can't even make that much better because the uni aren't helping! I didn't even start thinking about sexuality till I took a year out working full time, because that was probably the most stable situation I've been in since what feels like forever, and had the headspace to start thinking about that stuff.

And the book itself was published in 2020, its contemporary! I can't even blame the decline of this country due to the ghouls running it on why my experience is so different (altho maybe Alice is writing from her own experience which would be before my own).

I just feel like I've taken years off my life to make this uni thing work, and reading a world where money is a non-issue, fun events are going on, and the MC is around ppl they've known for ages, makes me envious.

I'm realising that this is rly personal and a non-issue in the grand scheme of things, I might just be feeling sorry for myself. I do still need to finish it tbh, maybe I was in a bad frame of mind at the time.

[tvoje-malo-savrsenstvo]

To him, who will never read this.

Today is 17th of July. One month has gone by.

I want to reach out to you through my words. There's so much I need to share. And there is so much more I want to hear from you, about your day, your job, your emotions, our puppies... just to hear you.

I have a urge to call you to share my accomplishments. I have lost 6.5kg. I passed three exams with grades of 8, 8, and 10. I have started personal training sessions and I feel great about it. I have reconnected with friends whom I had grown apart from, even though it was under these unfortunate circumstances. But they are there for me.

Also, I am attending psychotherapy, and it is benefiting me greatly. For now, I am going once a week because I feel the need to talk to someone outside of everything that is going on.

I talked to therapist about you and how badly I wanted to share all these things with you. I mentioned my intention to invite you on a coffee date. She was understanding but cautioned me that you may or may not accept, that you may say you don't have time or are unable to meet. She also mentioned that perhaps you are not yet ready, and reassured me that it's completely fine. I prepared myself for all these scenarios and sent you a message. I noticed that you read the message but didn't respond for several hours. Later that night, you replied and said that you will try to find some time for a coffee date. I was happy and informed you that I'm in the city for a few more days.

On Friday afternoon, you were out, spending time with your aunt's friend. Okay, maybe you had plans or he was helping you with something, or you just chose to hang out with him, i understand. But what hurt me the most is that you didn't respond to my messages at all.

I kept waiting on Saturday, hoping to hear from you, but still, nothing came.

And now, here I am, five days later, and you never texted me back...

I get it, you have a busy schedule and work hard, but... I don't know... I feel terrible. That day i felt so much... I felt anger, sadness, frustration. It's clear that you don't want to go out with me, and that's fine. I understand. But why did you give me false hope by saying you would try to find time for a coffee date ? Why lead me on like that ? I would have respected any response, even if it was a simple "no, I can't go." It's okay, everyone has their reasons.

But this... I didn't expect this....

You knew about my Tumblr from before, and how it was a safe haven for me. You even created an account there for me. When I feel overwhelmed and have the urge to reach out to you, to share my thoughts and feelings, I send you a private message there, on that account. I'm not sure if you even remember that you had it or have the login information anymore. But it brings me some comfort and peace when I write to you there, even if you're not on the other side, even if these messages are like whispers in the wind. It just feels easier for me that way...

On Thursday, I have a new meeting with my therapist, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to express myself. I feel like I might break down, overwhelmed by all these emotions. If only I had more money, I would see her every three days. I don't blame you for leaving, but I do blame you for not discussing it with me. It seems like you made that decision on your own (or at least I hope you did, without someone else influencing you).

It hurts me deeply. I feel shattered. I was shattered. But I'm slowly getting better. I'm actively working on myself. However, it would have been so much easier if you had stayed by my side and supported me... You went through depression, so you know exactly how it feels. You understand the struggle of facing it alone. But, well... you chose to walk away.

I don't know the true reason behind your decision to leave (only the one you shared with me, and I hope it's the real truth). The fact that you don't communicate with me, and when we do, you are so distant and cold, fills me with fear. I can't let myself think of the worst-case scenario because you, YOU, you were and still are my motivation. Even though you hurt me by leaving and leaving me to face this alone, you remain my motivation, my source of strength that keeps pushing me forward..

We have so many memories, spent so much time together, and shared countless moments and experiences. There's so much history between us. Everywhere I look, I see you...in every road, in every field, in every place..

I simply hope that God and fate are on our side and that we can find a way back to each other. I hope that what you said had genuine meaning and that perhaps, despite everything, we can still be together...

I love you, and i will always love you no matter what...

Your Ba...

#part three

[thedistantdusk]

Hello! Hope you're doing good! I'm a huuuuge fan of your works! You're really brilliant istg! Just wanted to ask if you're working on any Harry Potter fics currently.... I understand if you don't want to answer this. It's absolutely fine if you're on a break or something. Hope you are happy and having fun! Take care, lots of love!

Hello!

Thank you, that’s very kind.

It’s… interesting to me that this ask arrived in my inbox late last night (when this old lady was dead asleep! 😴) because this is a topic I’ve struggled with for some time. I suppose now is as good a time as any to discuss it.

After immersing myself in original content for over a year, I’ve come to the realization that I’m better suited to original publication.

I can already hear the follow-up question (“Why?”)… and yikes, I’m hesitant to answer, because my reasoning is the sort of thing that’s often misconstrued/taken personally on Tumblr.

Please know that what I’m about to say does not describe a single person or event, and it’s absolutely not intended as a personal attack. However, since I’ve been wrestling with this for some time (and since I get frequent asks about it), I’d like to think my feelings are valid enough to explain myself.

So! Here’s an explanation, in the form of a story.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a writing conference and got the opportunity to chat with an author who’s been doing this gig for ages, with a number of professional accolades to her name. She also started out writing Harry Potter fanfic, so we got to talking about the transition from fic to OC. She no longer writes fic (and didn’t write canon pairings, so had no overlap with my experiences in that regard) but she offered a sage piece of wisdom that has stuck with me since.

I’m paraphrasing, but the gist of what she offered is that in most cases, when comparing big-name fanfic authors to big-name OC authors, the standard of content quality is almost exactly the same— but the accepted standard of professionalism couldn’t be more different.

And maybe this statement is obvious to you, but it really threw me for a loop! 😅 To clarify, she wasn’t saying that this statement is necessarily anyone’s fault, or that individual fic writers are to blame for the overall culture of some (not all!) fandoms. She also wasn’t saying that any author— or any person, in general— deserves disrespect.

She was simply commenting on the difference of what’s considered “part of the job” when comparing reader interactions between fanfic vs OC communities. She wasn’t even speaking about Harry Potter in particular, so if you’ve had a different experience, I believe you! This was her feedback, and hers alone 😄.

Unfortunately, though, it did ring extremely true for me. Imo, when “professional” authors (and yes, I hate using that term, because all authors are valid) engage in objectively outlandish/unkind behavior, they often face consequences— at least in the court of public opinion.

However, I simply can’t say the same is true for fandom. Imo, there are few other venues where folks who actually want readers/followers are publicly supported in behavior that, in my opinion, should receive a call-out instead of a round of applause.

Again, this is just my experience, and I’m not describing everyone. Many fanfic writers (including the ones I beta for 🥰) behave as true professionals. And if you’re reading this and completely disagree with me, that’s totally okay! Nothing I’m saying should be intended to take away from anything you’ve experienced. I’m simply describing my own personal feelings/the feelings of a peer with whom I discussed the transition from fandom to original culture.

So… will I write fic again? Given the circumstances I’ve described, this will be a challenge. I love organizing fic exchanges and festivals, working on the subreddit, and supporting the creation of new content. But after witnessing, first-hand, the way that OC authors engage with the public, my experiences in fandom culture feel unnecessarily toxic by comparison.

Which leads me to my point: After quite a bit of introspection, I’ve had to accept that there were many times over the past few years when I should’ve been kinder in my public handling of reader interactions/Tumblr asks.

I, myself, fell into the “fandom trap” of responding to innocent questions in a way that embarrasses me now. I take full responsibility, but I can’t change the past. The most I can do is apologize and offer a greater degree of kindness in the future.

So! I know that’s a long-winded explanation, but the transition to OC has really opened my eyes. I wholeheartedly support anyone who continues to write fic/produce for fandoms; this, again, is literally just my experience. I’ll always be around discord for a chat and conversation, but I’m not sure if writing fic is for me anymore.

In closing, it saddens me that this post (which is literally about kindness/professionalism) will probably inspire passive-aggressive reblogs and hashtags, but this will only be a prime example of why HP content creation may no longer be for me 😅.

In short, this indefinite break will probably continue, but I truly appreciate your support ❤️.

Take care!

[asknarashikari]

Hina: Thank you for coming in on short notice.

Neon: Y-y-you're, Izumi-sama?! One of the most prolific fashion designers?!

Neon: Y-you're also a Kamen Rider?

Hina: Hello, Neon-chan, and no I'm not a Kamen Rider.

Hina: In this universe, at least.

Neon: This universe?

Neon: Eeeeh?!

Mei: Hina-san! I don't think revealing the existence of another universe, let alone that universe to Neon-chan is a great idea.

Hina: Better here than a certain magenta menace reveals it to them.

Hina: Or said Magenta menace teams up with a pirate sentai to supposedly kill every Rider and Sentai in an effort to save the world.

Hina: I certainly do begrudge Daiki-san of his reaction.

Poppy: Was it really that pipapobad?

Tsukuyomi: It was bad, and that's speaking from hearing Woz narrate it to us

Kiriko: I, for one, am glad that this happened before Shinnosuke became a Kamen Rider.

Kiriko: I just know that TMPD, or at least the people above who has a grudge on him AND his dad would have done everything in their power to discredit and blame him for everything.

Neon: Wait a minute, what are you all talking about?

Tsukuyomi: You girls continue the discussion, I'll bring Neon-chan up to speed.

Akiko: I mean, Ryu was also blamed of something he did not do.

Akiko: But that was only once.

Akiko: What happened to Shinnosuke-kun was bullying.

Neon: Eeeeeeh?!

Mei: Yep.

Mei: That was my reaction upon hearing it myself for the first time.

Neon: That's cruel!

Neon: Couldn't they have thought of another plan?

Hina: Nope, they told everyone that there was no time.

Kiriko: Let's table that discussion for now.

Kiriko: What did you call us about, Hina-san?

Hina: So are we still on for using the fantasy idea Gou-kun pitched for next year?

Akiko: Yep, with Takeru-kun being the Queen of Hearts.

Kiriko: Shinnosuke as Ursula

Poppy: Emu as the Evil Queen

Hina: Eiji as Jafar

Tsukuyomi: and Gentaro-sensei as Prince Hans.

Neon: I can't help but think that you named all the royal villains first.

Tsukuyomi: So that Sougo wouldn't get to pick any of the villains with Royal blood.

Tsukuyomi: We do not want to encourage his delusions of being King.

Tsukuyomi: Because something bad happened.

Hina: So I was thinking, why don't we place that parent Riders and Baby Riders in one month.

Kiriko: i'm liking where this is headed, go on.

Hina: This would require Sougo to be changed into becoming Dr. Facilier.

Tsukuyomi: Facilier isn't connected to any royal, his only connection is him turning Prince Naveen into a frog.

Poppy: We'll have to ask Emu, but I think that works.

Kiriko: Wouldn't that place Sougo with the Royal villains?

Hina: As long as the person he's wearing isn't connected to royalty like Emu and Takeru are.

Hina: Here's what I think this would look like

June - Emu, Shinnosuke, Takeru, Sougo

Akiko: What about the other months?

Hina: July to December would be the Riders in their Rider garb, well parka versions of their Rider garb.

Kiriko: I'm sensing a twist

Hina: As a lot of the Riders still prefer to be private, even if their identities are already an open secret, why don't we switch who wears what rider garb?

Mei: So you're saying, Geiz could wear the Wizard Parka while Takeru would wear the Revice Parka?

Hina: Right, Mei-chan!

Kiriko: That could work.

Kiriko: Although, let's have Emu and Shinnosuke exchange their Rider garbs.

Kiriko: Shinnosuke wears the Ex-Aid Parka and Emu wears the Drive Parka

Poppy: That's a great idea!

Poppy: Emu in red would be a great look.

Kiriko: And I've always wanted to see Shinnosuke in pink.

Neon: Ano, why am I here?

Hina: You're here because you're input would be invaluable.

Hina: You're going to help me design Parkas for the Riders.

Kiriko: Parkas for the other Riders already exists.

Kiriko: However, we want to do this without having Takeru to call out the Rider Damashis.

Neon: I see, I'll do my very best!

Hina: Also, Kiriko-san. i'm sorry but as Shinnosuke-san is Ursula, he would have to be shirtless.

Kiriko: It's fine, Hina-chan.

Kiriko: They can look, but only I can touch.

[the inspiration for this scenario lol

https://kn96artworks.tumblr.com/post/697084409606799360/shirtless-hoodie-ikki-as-requested-by-puwaasuru#notes].

Me sitting here taking a crazy hc I made after seeing Ryoma Takeuchi in the nude and making all this out of it

[rowyn-writes]

A Mother's Love Part Two

Warnings: Pregnancy, fluff, major angst, implications of depression

Pairings: Dean x Wife!Reader

Characters: Dean, Jack, Sam, Reader, Cas (Mentioned only)

Word count: 3k

You sat on the couch of your childhood home, staring blankly at the T.V. Your knees were pulled up to your chin as you had your arms wrapped around your legs. It had been three weeks since you left the bunker, and you felt empty inside.

Your mother sat beside you, a cup of tea and honey in her hand and a concerned look on her face. "Darling, you have to eat something. I know you haven't been feeling well, but you still need to stay healthy." You didn't respond to her as she set the cup of tea in your hands.

Everything felt numb. It was like you didn't feel any emotions at all. The world felt dull. Like all color had been stripped and it left you in darkness.

"Sweetheart, what happened?" She asked softly. Even though you had been with your parents for almost a month now, you had never fully discussed what happened with Dean.

"Mom, please-"

"No, Y/N." She put her foot down. "You call me one day, clearly upset saying that you and Jack were going to stay here for a while. You get here and you don't look like the daughter that I knew. You've changed."

You scoffed at your mother's words. "I'm getting a divorce, of course I've changed."

She sucked in a breath of air. "Y/N. What happened?" You gave your mother a brief rundown of what happened with you, Dean and Jack. "Oh, honey." She sympathized. "I am so sorry. You know that you and Jack are welcomed to stay as long as you like. I know your father is excited to have a grandchild."

Your heart skipped a beat as you looked up to your mother. "What?"

"Jack, of course." She explained. "Look at them. Your dad's so happy. It's about time you give us a grandson."

"Lord knows you couldn't count on Chris for that." You rolled your eyes. "He can't keep a girl to save his life." Your smile began to fade slightly as your stomach did flips. Your mom noticed your green complexion and ran to grab a trash can. It was nearly too late as you felt your dinner from last night coming back up. She held your hair back as you did so, calling for your dad to get a wet washcloth.

You felt a cold cloth across your forehead, cooling your body. "Mom!" Jack said worriedly. "Are you okay?.

"She's okay, kiddo." Your dad assured him. "She's just not feeling too well." He mumbled skeptically.

You sat back against the couch, holding the rag to your head. "Jack," Your mom called. "Why don't you and I go make some cookies?"

Jack smiled at the idea, looking to you for approval. "You don't have to ask me, sweetheart. Go have fun."

You mother dipped down to whisper something unintelligible in your dad's ear before going to the kitchen.

"Y/N," He shook his head. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"Because I don't want it to be real." You muttered. "I don't want to think about the last thing that Dean said to me or the look on his face. I want to wake up and for this whole thing to be a dream. But I know it's not. I won't wake up next to him tomorrow and I don't get to tell him how much I love him." You chocked on a sob, covering you mouth with your hand so Jack wouldn't hear.

"Oh, my sweet girl." Your dad said softly, pulling you into his side. "I am so sorry, my darlin'." You rested your head on his shoulder as tears slipped down your cheeks. "That's not it, though. Is it? There's something else."

"Papa, I think I'm pregnant." You confessed. "I'm late and I've been sick all week."

"Have you taken a test yet?" He asked. You shook your head. "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go by the drug store and get a couple of tests, just to be sure, and I'll grab you some food on the way home. How does that sound?"

"Great." You said with a small smile. He kissed the top of your head before grabbing the keys and heading out of the house.

---

Five.

Five tests that had come back positive. Each one that you looked at made your heart sink more and more. "Oh god." You whimpered. "Damnit."

"What does it say, sweetie?" Your mother questioned from the other side of the door. You slowly opened it up and showed her the positive pregnancy test.

"Are they all positive?" You nodded.

"What am I gonna do?"

"I think you should call Dean-"

"No." You said firmly. "I'm not calling Dean. He made it very obvious that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore."

"Y/N," Your mother spoke firmly. "I'm not justifying what Dean said or did in the moment, however, he was just as hurt as you were because you were leaving with Jack and you didn't know how long you would be gone. I really think you should call him. I think he would want to know you're pregnant with his baby."

You sighed at her words. You knew she had a point. She was your mother, she's always right. "What if he doesn't care?" You whispered. "What if he hears my voice and hands up on me?"

"Then that's his loss, honey." She cooed. "The least you can do is try."

---

MEANWHILE, AT THE BUNKER;

"Dean." Sam shook his brother. "Dean. C'mon dude, wake up."

Dean groaned as his eyes peeled open. "What?" He grumbled.

"You've been sleeping in here all night." Sam said, crossing his arms. "You should probably get some rest in your own bed, or at the very least, the couch. And charge your phone while you're at it, it's dead."

Dean stretched add he looked at the empty whiskey bottle set on the table and the picture of your wedding day beside it. It had been a rough few weeks since you had left. "You know I can't go sleep in that damn bed." He growled.

"Dean, I offered to switch rooms with you-"

"I don't want to switch rooms!" He snapped. "I want my wife back."

Sam frowned as he looked at his brother. He looked awful. He hasn't shaven in weeks, his hair's a mess, and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"Why don't you call her, Dean?"

"Because, after what I said, she'll never take me back. I was too harsh on her. Plus my phone is broken."

"One, you have ten phones, and two, yeah, you were a complete ass." Sam agreed. "You should have seen her when she left here. I had never seen anyone so. . . Broken before. You know they sparkle she had in her eyes?" Dean nodded. "It was gone. Her entire face seemed dull, almost like she had aged ten years."

Dean put his head in his hands, feeling defeated. "What have I done?"

"I don't know, but you had better make it right."

---

"Still no answer?" Your father asked. You had called Dean three times now and still no answer.

"Nope. Not a sound."

"I'm sorry honey," Your mother sympathized, rubbing your back. It's that anything we can do?"

"Yeah," You nodded. "I need space. I need to spend more time with Jack before the baby comes. I just want to know what it's like to be a mother."

"Of course." Your dad agreed. "Take the keys to the cabin in Colorado. I know that's a lot of good memories there and no pesky neighbors to worry about "

"Thanks, dad." You smiled. "We'll be outta here soon."

"You don't have to leave in a rush, kiddo. You know that we love having you here."

"I know."

---

"Why are we going to your parents cabin in Colorado?" Jack asked curiously as he peered out the window.

"Uh," You bit your lip as you tried to come up with a suitable lie to tell Jack. You hated how much you were lying to Jack lately, but you knew that he wouldn't understand the things that you were going through. "I just wanted to show you the place and stay up there for a little while. It's nice and quiet, you'll love it. It's cold up there and it's snowy in the winter. I used to go sledding all the time when I was younger and then my parents would call me in for hot chocolate and a movie. We can do that together. How does that sound, Jack?"

"It sounds great, Mom!" He smiled goofily. Every time he called you 'Mom,' your heart melted. You loved that Jack felt so comfortable around you to call you his mother. You knew that you would never be able to replace Kelly, and you would never want to, but you did want to make him feel safe and loved. You wanted Jack to know what a mother's love feels like. Jack blamed himself for the death of his mother, and you understood his grief, but you had told him time and time again that it wasn't his fault. Kelly wanted to go through with the pregnancy and refused to listen to anyone else's opinions on the matter. You just wished he understood that.

You felt a tear roll down your cheek, quickly wiping it away. "What's wrong, Mom?" Jack questioned. "Is it about Dean?"

You glanced over at Jack in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"Well, Sam and Dean aren't here, and Dean hasn't called you to check up on you since we left. I know that whenever you go on a hunt by yourself, Dean calls you everyday to make sure you're okay."

You sighed heavily as you looked at the road in front of you. "Dean and I are. . . Going through a tough time right now. That's why I wanted to get away for a while. And I didn't want to go by myself, so that's why I wanted you to come with me."

"Are we ever going back to the bunker?"

"I don't know. . . It's a difficult situation, Jack. Right now, I don't think that I will be going back home anytime soon. But if you want to go back, I'll take you back. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do."

"I want to stay with you." He said firmly. "But I also want you to be happy. You don't look happy anymore. You don't smile or laugh the way you used to. You sit on the couch watching reruns of Friends, and I've heard you crying at night. Sometimes I think you forget that I don't sleep very much."

You said nothing in response, knowing that Jack was right. You wanted to call Dean one more time, but you knew it was fruitless. He wasn't going to answer. But you did have Sam. When you finally arrived at the cabin, you sent Jack to unpack while you dialed Sam's number. After three rings, he finally picked up.

"Hello, Y/N? Are you okay? How's Jack?" He asked in one breath.

"Hey, Sammy. I'm fine, and so is Jack. I just wanted to call and make sure that you haven't gotten killed by anything."

"Nope, we're still alive." He gave a small chuckle. "How are you, Y/N, really? Don't lie to me, because I know when you're lying."

"I miss him." You sniffed. "Being away from him hurts me." Your voice cracked, forcing you to clear your throat. "We've been married for five years. And I know that to the average person that doesn't seem like a long time, but we're hunters, Sam. You know how hard it is to stay in a relationship in our line of work. I've been in love with him for half my life, and now, for us to be in this situation, it sucks, Sam. I can't think of any other word to describe it. It really fucking sucks."

Sam was quiet for a moment as he listened to you cry. "I'm sorry this is happening, Y/N. I never thought that this would happen to you and Dean. But I've known Dean my whole life, and I've known you since we were twenty, so I think that I'm entitled to make a judgement on this." You let out a small laugh. "You two have been in love longer than you've been together, but both of you have been to dumb to realize it. You argue like cats and dogs because you're so certain about what you believe in. You're both so passionate about things that you never let up. And now that you're finally together, you have been so happy. Dean has never felt this way about anyone that he's been with, male or female. He loves you so much, Y/N, that it kills him. You have both come too far to for things to end like this. I'm going to tell you the exact same thing I told Dean; fix this."

"I want to, Sammy, I just don't know how."

"Stop hiding, for one. You can't fix something when you're hundreds of miles away." You groaned as you felt a wave of nausea was over you. "Y/N?" You quickly made your way to the bathroom. "Y/N? What's going on? Are you okay?"

You leaned against the wall once you were done throwing up. "Yeah, yeah, Sam, I'm okay."

"What was that about, then?" Sam questioned. When you didn't answer, he began putting the pieces together himself. "You're pregnant."

"SHH!" You hissed. "Don't say that!"

"Why not? Because you don't want Dean to know?" He spoke coldly.

"Sam, please, don't say anything."

"How long have you known, Y/N? And how long do you plan on keeping this from Dean?"

You sighed as you pinched the bridge of your nose. "I've known for a couple of days, okay? And I don't know when or how I'm going to tell Dean. He made it very clear that he didn't want anything to do with me the last time we talked. Besides, I tried to call him and he didn't answer my calls, so don't try to pin me off as the bad guy here."

"When did you try to call him?" The hard edge in Sam's voice disappeared.

"Three days ago, when I found out I was pregnant."

You could hear Sam let out a small laugh. "Three days ago I came in the kitchen to find Dean passed out on the table, hung over as hell and holding on to the picture of your wedding day. And beside him was his broken phone. His main phone, which I'm assuming is the one that you called?"

"Yeah. . ." You said meekly.

"Hang up and call his second phone. Please, will you do that for me?"

"Yes," You nodded, even though you knew he couldn't see you.

"I love you, Y/N/N."

"I love you too, Sammy." You sighed as you hung up the phone. You were terrified to call Dean. You hadn't spoken to him since that night all those weeks ago. You were still hurt, and you knew that Dean was hurting as well, and all you wanted was to hear his voice. You took a deep breath as you dialed his second phone number.

It rang five times before going to voicemail, making your heart sink. Not a minute later, the number called back. "Hello?"

"Y/N." Dean's voice said gruffly. "Sam told me you were going to call."

"Did. . . Did he tell you anything else?" You asked.

"Just that I needed to talk to you. What's going on?"

"I miss you," You confessed. You needed to tell Dean everything, and that included telling him how you felt. "I hate the way things ended between us, and I know that it wasn't solely on you or me. But I love you, Dean, and I will never stop loving you. And I know it's unfair I left and this is how I'm trying to get you back; over the phone. I would much rather be doing this in person. But I love you, Dean, and I always will. No matter what you say or do, I love you."

You could hear Dean struggling to breathe correctly. "Where are you?"

"My parents cabin, wh-"

"I'll be tomorrow morning." And with that, he hung up.

---

You paced back and forth in the living room, biting your nails. Dean didn't say what time he was going to be here, but he just said that he would be here in the morning. You had stayed up all night thinking about him. About the way his hair fell into his face after a shower, and how he always smelled like whiskey and firewood. The way his eyes would crinkle at the edges whenever he laughed, really laughed. But your favorite thing was when you had just finished a hunt, and you would go to lie down in bed, Dean would pull you close to him and whisper how much he loves you.

A sharp knock at the door snapped you out of your trance. "Who is it, Mom?" Jack asked, peering around the corner.

"Why don't you come see, kiddo." You wiped your sweaty palms on your jeans before opening the door to reveal Sam and Dean. "Hi," You smiled. Sam was the first to come inside and hug you. He grinned as he pulled away, ruffling your hair.

"Why don't I take Jack into town for a little bit while you guys work this out?" He suggested.

"Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. Jack, go put on your shoes, you're going into town with Sam for a little while." Jack beamed at your works, hurriedly putting his shoes on a following Sam out the door.

"Hi," You said once more after Sam and Jack were gone. Dean didn't say a word as he hugged you tightly. You melted into his touch, feeling comfort in his embrace. The familiar smell of whiskey and firewood filled your nostrils. You closed your eyes to savor this moment. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

taglist:

@vicariouslythruspn @mimaria420 @fofisstilinski @daphnen21 @katwed @anunstablefangirl @desimarie12 @alderpine @rebeccaitsnotwhatyouthink @akshi8278

Also, yes, there will be a part 3

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Rewind (Part 5.5): Keizo Arashi x Fem!Reader

synopsis: Mr. Hanagaki wrote an article about you. And it makes the centerfold. (This part is told by Takemichi Hangegaki himself for Entertainment Weekly.)

wc: 900

tw: discussions of violence and abuse

previous part ⏮ masterlist ⏭ next part

song recommendation:

I first met Y/n on a beach in summer, her eyes focused on the man beside her while she walked along sandy shores. As a journalist, I was taught that I should always take the opportunity to chase a story when it presents itself. So, I raised my camera, snapped a shot, and sent it over to the headquarters.

Little did I know that I was adding to her personal hell - all because I wanted to catch a blossoming romance on camera.

"It's fine," y/n chuckles on the other line. "Really, I don't blame you for anything that happened."

But as I find myself on the other end, her voice sounds a little tired and more worn down than when I saw her for the second (and maybe last) time at the International Music Awards. I asked her some questions (none of which made it to print, I might add) and she gave me a winning smile that told me everything I wanted to know about her: she was the epitome of a humble, beautiful, and successful artist.

"When I told you that I didn't want to win... I meant that." Now she's somewhere undisclosed, talking to me about her life story on the phone - in particular, what lead up to her disappearance after her first Muse win.

"When I started out in music, I didn't want to become famous. I just wanted to fucking sing," she told me. "I didn't want to become a puppet for someone to push around, or some mindless drone trying to imitate the next big thing." I hear her choking up, but she continues anyway. "Music was everything to me. Until I met South Terano."

South Terano. On TV and in pictures, he seems like your average, bigger-than-life music producer. With his unique looks and less-than-normal expressions, you'd think he was serious about music and inspiring his artists. But as it turns out, the truth is murky water at best, full-on swamp water at worst.

"South has a way of conducting his business," she murmurs. "Every single artist in that fucking building is scared shitless of South. That's the only reason why Tenjiku has any artists producing music! Some of us owe him money, some of us have really deep shit buried in our pasts... South will get it out of you and then hold your career for ransom if you don't perform."

I ask her if she has any of those things held over her head. Y/n waits for a moment then replies,

"Worse." I brace myself. "At one point, I had an uncle who knew South; they were friends, I guess. I'm paying off a few things he couldn't put money down for, and--" Another pause. "My music was the price for keeping my last living family member alive, according to Terano." She then tells me that her uncle died earlier last year, but at that point, she'd signed herself into a contract that would last her at least four more.

"And when I was caught with Benkei, things got worse." Worse. Y/n describes times he devalued her, the control he took over her life, even the video TMZ received of her being carried into a lobby by South himself.

"I thought I had blacked out because I was drunk that night," she tells me. "But when I saw the footage, I knew. I thought for hours that I was mistaken, and I caused him to do this, I caused him so much anger that he had to beat me. I really thought by being the focus of his rage, I'd help myself climb out of the hole I was in.

"But the more I thought I was digging myself out, the deeper into it I got."

When y/n's success finally came, however, she dreaded the sound of her name being called on the stage.

"Don't know if you've heard the story about Senju confronting me in the bathroom," she huffs. I imagine she's rolling her eyes, but I tell her that I had heard some gossip about it. "She knew South was putting his hands on me and had complete control over me, somehow."

"Do you think she's been through it before?"

"I can't speak on that," she whispers back to me. I nod like she can see me, then ask about Benkei's relationship with her, but she only says one thing about him:

"He's a man with a heart of gold for those he cares about. But he has fists of iron for those he can't stand."

A warning and praise, all in one. Before I say goodbye to her, I asked her if she wanted me to write this, and if she could tell me where she is.

"I'm safe," she replied, and I could hear the smile in her tone. "I want you to do this for the dozens of souls in Tenjiku Entertainment right now. They need you, Takemichi."

"They need you, too," I reply. She offers me her thanks, then hangs up.

And as I sit here, typing up this article, I can't help but think what would have happened if y/n hadn't won that night. What would've happened if she went back with her captor to his penthouse after a loss? Would we still have y/n today?

Or would we have an obituary because of our desire to see her become a star?

[skepticalarrie]

This has been on my mind the whole day and i need to write this out. I'll say this first, i love harry, I'm not blaming him, I'm not unstanning or unlarrying. I'm just frustrated by what happened. As soon as i heard what he said, i knew it would cause problems. The antis and solo stans immediately used the words female orgasm to shit on us. Saying harry cancelled larries tonight. The context of what the fan said and what he said after is irrelevant. It's the kind of details that only larries pick up on and why we get called delusional. The narrative of wms being about pussy and the female orgasm was confirmed by Harry. And it's frustrating because Harry for years has said songs are up for interpretation. In the zane interview he said „ is it?” when asked if it was about female oral sex. And so the larries and harries got out of the songs what they each wanted. Everyone stayed happy in their lane. I feel, not that it was his intention, i personally feel he invalidated the way we interpret the songs. He'll release his next album and we’ll say it's about his love with Louis and they'll call us crazy. In their eyes, from now on we'll always be wrong. And i don't care what they think of us, however getting hated on when all I want to do is support 2 people i feel are wronged is draining. How disconnected from his fandom is harry that he doesn't see the two sides constantly fighting. Why wasn’t he more careful with the words he chose. Why did he even say that. Saying the song is about „sweetness" is more than enough to keep the hets happy. To top it all off, I've seen actual larries, attack other larries. How those of us upset are being biphobic. How can i be biphobic when I'm bi myself! The fact that this happened on the 10 year anniversary of the aimh tweet just soured the whole thing for me. There's more i can say but i don't wanna come off as a crazy ranter. I just needed to put some words out there.

Literally right as i was about to post this, the facetime picture with the blue bandana was released....immediately i felt immense guilt. Like i was in the wrong for having blamed him for what happened. I'm about to start crying i feel like absolute shit. For the situation he's in, just for all if it. This is so fucking heartbreaking....

Ok, I totally understand where you're coming from. I wasn't happy about yesterday either, but here's the deal: we're the punching bags in this fandom. So there's always going to be discussions, people will always try to shit on us, people will not stay in their own lane. Sometimes Harry and Louis will give us something, like a blue bandana, a tweet, a song... but we're not allowed to expect things from them. Because they don't owe us, that's not how it works, we only get frustrated if we have expectations for something to happen, and the way I saw a lot of people reacting yesterday, I realize there are people with huge expectations based on... nothing. It's pretty clear to me that they see what happens here, but we don't know a lot of stuff happening behind the scenes, so they need to play the game, they need to do what is best for them and they're not perfect, they are not always able to please both sides. I don't know whether Harry was already planning on saying what he said, I don't know why he did it, maybe things will be more clear with time, maybe not. And I don't know whether he was already planning on the blue bandana, but what he did there was a little bit of damage control, he knows what happens when he feeds into that narrative, and it was kind of predictable that he was doing something like that after the chaos, for some people that is enough and for some people is not.

Considering things hasn't been very good lately, I've seen quite a lot of people done with the fandom yesterday and I think they're allowed to feel that way, it's exhausting, now I feel fine here but you guys know I had to step away from the fandom many times, I was angry, I was upset, I was frustrated. And with time I realized that I would only find peace if I wasn't expecting anything in return. I'm here because regardless of what narrative they're feeding into, I believe that their position is unfair, I believe that this is not what they want. So I want to show my support, I think that's very important to them and they appreciate it.

[10yrsyart]

I'm honestly asking this and I don't mean to be rude, really. I was also raised christian, studied at a christian school that had its own church, I used to pray every night, I wanted to be an altar boy (but couldn't bc I was a girl) I discussed about stuff with my priest... but when I was old enough I started thinking that all of this was not for me. And recently discovered that it was my OCD and my intrusive thoughts that told me I had to pray bc if I didn't, something bad would happen. My question is: How can you (and lots of christians) say that Jesus and God love us all for who we are, no matter what and then say that unless we believe in them we're going to suffer a lot and go to Hell. Like that is not unconditional love, that, in fact, very conditional and for me that's a sign of really abusive and awful "parenthood".

Not at all! I've often thought about this too, so i'll do my best.

God is many things, all Loving, all Merciful, but also all Just. our sense of justice is just a small speck compared to His. if someone stole something from you or hurt your family or committed a crime against you, wouldn't you want justice? God is completely just, so He will never leave a bad thing unanswered. However! since He is merciful and loving, He already knows that we all make mistakes and we could never pay for it all on our own. that is why He said, "I will pay for the justice myself." He sent His only Son, Jesus/ Yeshua who is perfect, to die in our place. He said that by believing that Jesus was enough to pay it for us, then we are freed from that debt and go to Heaven to be with Him.

Now think about it, no amount of "being nice" will help you in a court of law. Say you got a major parking ticket and you tell the judge, "Yeah but i bought my friends cookies and helped an old lady cross the street!" the judge is gonna be like, "That doesn't matter. you got a ticket and now you have to pay." as a believer in Jesus, in this scenario He would walk in and say, "I will pay the fine for them." He can legally do that, and you're set free. if no one pays for what they've done, then there would be no justice, and no right and wrong.

But God's Love doesn't just extend to offering to free us, it also extends to free will. God didn't make us robots or mindless servants, He's trying to gather a family of people that /choose/ to love and be with Him. and He's never going to force anyone to accept Him and His free payment if they don't want that. but by rejecting Jesus, they are saying they want to pay for all their wrongs on their own.. which is impossible. that's the whole reason Jesus came in the first place.

"unconditional love" means that a person's love will neve leave you no matter what you do, and that's true of God. He will never stop loving everyone, even those that reject and hate Him. but as a Good Parent, He respects that His creations are people that make their own decisions. and in the case of those that reject Him, that will lead to consequences because of the law of justice.

that is not an abusive parent. it would be abuse if we were held to this standard and there was no way to meet it. but there IS:

"For God so LOVED the world the He gave His one and only Son, so that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

and also: "There is no judgment against ANYONE who believes in Him. But anyone who does not believe in Him has already been judged for not believing in God's one and only Son." (John 3:18)

so God loves us to an incredible degree and He did everything so that we could go to Heaven to be with Him. HE did it, not us. but it's up to each person if they accept that or not. don't blame your own choices on God. it's His will that no one would go to Hell except the devil (whom it was made for).

" 'Do you think that I like to see wicked people die?' says the Sovereign Lord. 'Of course not! I want them to turn from their wicked ways and live.' " (Ezekiel 18:23)

"I, the Lord, made you and I will not forget you. I have swept away your sins like a cloud. I have scattered your offenses like the morning mist. Oh, return to Me, for I have paid the price to set you free!" (Isaiah 44:21-22)

[animereaderinsertwriter]

Cupbearer (Eren/Reader)

Part III

Part I

Part II

Part IV (in progress)

Warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (im watching you, if you see this, begone!), vampire!eren, hunter!reader, fem!reader, smut, some amount of predator/prey dynamics but only kinda?? there is also a significant age difference but only cos eren is immortal and all that jazz. we're all adults here. there will eventually be smut.... and do i really need to say that there's gonna be blood in a vampire fic?

Description: A story of falling in love in 4 parts.

Eren is a bad man (well, a bad Creature) who has done bad things. When he meets the great-great-great granddaughter of one of his former friends in his favorite blood bar, however, he thinks it might not matter so much what happened in the past, so long as he can make the future something worth living to see.

Ao3 link here

After that night, it became increasingly hard for (Y/N) to leave, and for Eren to let her do so.

Something between them had changed. There were moments— when Eren would press feather-light kisses against her forehead, when he would casually leave a cup of her favorite tea where she would find it— where (Y/N) felt as though her heart might burst. It was all the little things that baffled her, all the ways in which he seemed to understand exactly how she felt; it was as though he knew her more than she knew herself. On the mornings that she would wake in his bed, sleepy and sticky and wholly content, (Y/N) wondered what it would be like to have this life forever.

Other days— on days like today— she was reminded exactly why that could never be, and it broke her heart.

Today, they had planned a romantic dinner in the park, an evening under the stars. It was supposed to be something special, a little getaway just for the two of them; they had wanted to leave as soon as (Y/N) was relieved from her patrol, so Eren had moved her things to his place, hoping that they could leave together from there for their evening alone.

In and of itself, that was fine… but when (Y/N) came in, covered head-to-toe in viscous Creature blood, Eren was furious.

“And you call me a monster,” he growled, looking her up and down with hate in his eyes. “I can’t believe you.”

He stood from his seat on the sofa, and (Y/N) began to back away, still wary from the fight she had narrowly escaped from unscathed. Her every instinct told her that she should run, fire a round of silver bullets into his chest, but she steeled herself, doing neither.

“It’s not my fault— they were attacking a civilian,” she told him as he stalked towards her, his face twisted into a horrific scowl. “I tried to stop them— tried to find out what was going on— but then they came at me with their claws, and I was left with no choice.”

“There is always a choice,” he snarled, and it was then that anger filled (Y/N) from the soles of her feet to the crown of her head. "They were probably terrified of you— how could you possibly blame them for lashing out?"

(Y/N) grit her teeth.

“This, from the man who thought genocide was his only option to the same problem?”

Eren made a low, warning sound in the back of his throat, but (Y/N) pressed on.

“You would rather me have died?” she demanded, stepping into his space. “Would it have pleased you more for my body to bleed out on the pavement, ripped to shreds by an aggressive werewolf? Would you even care, or would you just find the next blood bag and move on with your life?”

“Maybe so,” he shot back, “Then I wouldn’t have to deal with your insufferable mouth.”

That stung— but if there was one thing (Y/N) knew how to do, it was to strike back twice as hard as she had been struck.

“Fine then,” she said, turning on her heel. “I won’t bother you any longer. I’ll go out and find someone who actually wants my company, someone who’ll fuck me good and proper over the counter at some hole-in-the-wall bar over on Easy Street, someone younger, with a nicer cock and less fucking baggage— ”

She didn’t get to finish the sentence, or even walk a single step further— Eren grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to him, his fist painfully tight against her scalp.

“Wanna say that again, to my face?” he asked, tilting her head back.

“I’ll go find someone else to fuck me,” she spat, struggling in vain against him. “I’ll spread my legs for the next available schmuck in the closest bar I can find, so you can hear me scream his name and not yours.”

It was a low blow, to threaten a vampire’s claim on something they had previously assumed had belonged to them, but (Y/N) didn’t care. She had almost died today, and she’d be damned if she was going to take shit from anyone about what she had to do to survive. If Eren wanted a fight, she would damn sure give him one.

“Like hell you will,” he told her, pulling her head back so that she had to strain to remain standing. “You’re mine. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood— you are my Companion.”

"I belong to no one!"

Those words ripped from her throat and echoed throughout the empty house, and it was then that Eren stopped, looking at her with calculation in his gaze.

"You're right," he said, releasing her hair. "No mortal can serve two masters, lest they love one and despise the other; an archaic religious concept, but an accurate one nonetheless. You've made it abundantly clear where your loyalty lies. I was a fool for thinking otherwise."

(Y/N) began to tremble. "Eren, what are you saying?"

"I release you from our pact," he replied coldly, his eyes so dull and lifeless that it sent a chill down her spine. "No longer are you bound to be my wine-press— I free you from me."

"Eren—"

"Go," he commanded, and (Y/N) felt terribly, horribly empty.

Once, he would have told her to come freely, go safely, and leave something of the happiness she brought him; now, he gave her a cold dismissal, and it frightened her more than she was willing to admit. Still, she went, feeling hollow and used, and she didn't bother to shut the door behind her as she turned to walk home, weary from the day and sick from fighting.

***

Armin had lived for a very long time, but even so, he had yet to meet anyone so foul of temper as Eren when the Hunger was on him.

"Eren, you have to feed."

The vampire, as ill in health as in temper, glared weakly at him. "I'm not hungry."

"But you are Hungry, and don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. Look, if this is about that girl—"

"I told you not to speak of her!"

Ah, so it was about her. By the looks of him, it had been two weeks since Eren had fed; Armin would bet that he hadn't seen her in the same amount of time.

"If I need to, I'll drag her here to make up with you myself," said Armin testily, "I refuse to watch my best friend starve himself because he refuses to feed on anyone else."

"You will not touch her."

Armin rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything further. He just patted Eren's arm in farewell and set about finding the little lady who was the root cause of his current consternation.

It took longer than Armin had anticipated to find the young woman who had, for all intents and purposes, completely unraveled Eren's composure; her scent, while thick and memorable in Eren's apartment, was hard to track otherwise. Armin spent two hours just wandering the city while trying to catch a breath of it here or there, and when he finally did manage to catch a whiff of her scent and follow it to her, he understood exactly why it had been so hard to track her down.

The girl was a Hunter, of all things.

When Armin found her, she was knee-deep in sewage, her knife embedded to the hilt in the skull of what appeared to be some species of winged reptile. Armin, having been a tad desperate and not actually having been expecting to find anything when he lifted the lid to the man-hole on 32nd and Main, was surprised to say the least— and when (Y/N) ripped her knife free and readjusted her stance into a defensive one directed at him, his surprise turned to intrigue.

“Er, hello there,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “I don’t suppose you’ll take my word for it that I just want to chat, will you?”

Curiously, the words gave the woman pause. She relaxed her stance ever-so-slightly, and then her eyes lit up with recognition.

“Armin Arlert?” she queried, craning her neck up to see him. “Is that you?”

This one grows curiouser and curiouser, he thought, but responded affirmatively.

“Can you give me a bit, then?” she asked, kicking the corpse of the Creature she’d just killed. “I’m not exactly fit for company. Perhaps we could meet later for a discussion over tea?”

“I’m afraid it’s urgent,” he said as she knelt to decapitate her prey— likely for proof of victory. “I think you know why I’m here, so you understand that time is of the essence.”

She didn’t look up at him as she replied.

“If this is about Eren, then I don’t have time to talk.”

Her tone was hard, bitter, and matter-of-fact, and it reminded Armin so much of Jean that it hurt… but just like Jean, Armin would bet that she could be won over by appealing to her inherent sense of human decency

“He’s suffering (Y/N),” he said, awkwardly crouching above the manhole so that she could better see the truth written in his eyes. “He won’t feed.”

“That’s hardly my problem.”

And oh, how well Armin knew that state of mind. If there was one thing Eren Jaeger knew how to do, it was push away the people who loved him most. Armin had dealt with that particularly lovely quirk of his for centuries, and it never got easier to deal with no matter how much time passed. If anything, it got more difficult the older they both got.

“When you’re the solution to a problem, you become a part of it whether you like it or not,” Armin replied, patient and understanding. “He cares for you.”

(Y/N) looked up at him then, fury in her eyes.

“He hurt me.”

Armin shrugged. “He hurts everyone he cares about. It’s just who he is. Nothing comes for free— least of all the love and loyalty of someone as old and as powerful as Eren.”

“Your heart may be toughened to his meanness,” she told him, the head of the creature she’d slain in her hands, “But mine is not, and I don’t like him well enough to willfully remain for him to use as an emotional punching bag.”

At that, Armin couldn’t help but let loose a wry grin.

“No,” he said, “I should think not; but I do think you love him well enough to make sure he doesn’t starve himself to death because he can’t have you.”

(Y/N) was silent for a long moment, then she crossed her arms.

“I won’t come crawling to him. He’s going to have to come to me.”

Armin grimaced. He wasn’t looking forward to that conversation.

“Is that at all negotiable?”

(Y/N) shook her head. “Absolutely not.”

Well, there was nothing for it.

“And you will let him feed if he comes to you?”

(Y/N) thought, then nodded. “If he proves himself deserving.”

Armin couldn't help himself; he laughed. Eren might have met his match in this one.

"Very well. I'll work my magic, and you work yours."

She nodded and bade him farewell, but before Armin left, he paused.

"Hey, (Y/N)?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

With that, he left her, ready to take Eren by the ear and throw him at her if he had to.

***

(Y/N)'s heart was racing as she opened the door, knowing good and well who would be behind it.

After her little talk with Armin— and the near heart attack he had given her in the process— she had called in to Zeke and told him she needed to go home to deal with an emergency. A replacement for her patrols had been sent, and she had come home to wash the grim from her skin, making herself as presentable as possible with the time she had. (Y/N) was worried, so worried, that the filth she had been wading in earlier would have left a lingering stench, or even that it had affected the taste of her; she had scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was raw, hoping to erase every last remnant of her day from her skin…but as it turned out, she needn't have bothered.

Two, three, four hours later, and Eren hadn't shown— it was only now, right at the six hour mark, that he had decided to come to her.

Needless to say, (Y/N) was… less than pleased, but when she opened the door to find Eren pale and drawn, with dark circles beneath his eyes, her heart softened ever-so-slightly. It seemed that Armin was right; he had been suffering.

"You look like shit," she told him quietly, opening her door widely to let him in.

"I assure you, I feel worse," Eren grumbled, but stepped in as she closed the door behind him.

For a long, awkward moment, they just looked at each other, silent and unsure. It was unsettling how unlike himself Eren seemed; he was almost soft when he looked at her, and (Y/N) didn't know how to feel about it. Eventually, though, like two opposite ends of a magnet, they were drawn together, and Eren brushed a piece of hair back from her face.

"Hi," he said, his voice low and rough. (Y/N) caught his hand in hers before it could fall from her hair, and she pressed it against her chest, keeping it trapped there, touching the skin above her beating heart.

"Hey."

They watched each other a moment more before the dam broke between them, and they both spoke at once.

"I'm sorry."

A shared grin, a shy laugh— and then (Y/N) said what they both were thinking.

"You need to feed first, and talk later," she told him, her hand still clasped in his. "You're not off the hook, but I doubt we can have any real conversation with you like this."

Eren nodded gratefully, tugging at her wrist— his usual biting spot— but (Y/N) shook her head, indicating her neck. The thickest, richest blood, she knew, would come from there; and if there was ever a time to be generous with the placement of Eren's bite, she figured that it would be now.

The worst of it was over quickly. There was a brief sting at the intrusion of razor-sharp fangs, and then the vaguely uncomfortable feeling of having something poking down into places that decidedly should not be poked at all, but then (Y/N) quickly eased into the rhythm of the act, focusing wholly on the way Eren's lips felt against her skin. In a few moments, she would become pleasantly light-headed, and then Eren would pull away and look at her like she'd hung the stars. Oh, how she'd missed that look! (Y/N) found herself longing for it even before she quite realized it.

And then, without warning, a vision came, and (Y/N) was swept into another world entirely.

The evening sky rolled endlessly out towards the horizon; it seemed to go on forever, sparkling with more stars than (Y/N) had ever seen before. The full moon was so bright that it cast the whole world in what seemed like silver sunlight, and (Y/N) wondered how anyone could sleep on a night such as this. It was far too beautiful an experience to miss.

Alongside her— alongside Eren, through whose eyes she saw the world— strode Armin and two older-looking cadets who she recognized from previous memories as Reiner and Berthold. Eren was feeling anxious over something, and Reiner and Berthold were… well, they were kind. Reiner especially seemed to be like an older brother, and Eren admired him.

"You'll do just fine tomorrow," said Reiner, placing a large, warm hand on Eren's shoulder. "I'm certain of it."

The memory ended, and (Y/N) came back to herself as Eren's tongue laved over the wounds his fangs had left in her neck, sealing them.

"See anything?" he asked, his breath warm against her skin, and (Y/N) nodded.

"You loved them, too," she said softly, remembering the fondness Eren had felt as though it had been her own. "You loved the Hunters that tried to take everything from you, and— and I think they loved you, too."

Eren pulled away from her, and it was then that she saw the tears shining in his eyes.

"Yes," he replied, his voice broken. "We were children. How could we not love each other as God intended? Hate was never in our nature; it was an inheritance that we couldn't escape."

He paused for a moment, then spoke again.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he told her, cupping her cheek in his hand. "I lost my temper. I forget— I forget that you're not them."

And (Y/N) understood. She understood that no matter how many centuries passed, there would be wounds that just wouldn't heal for Eren. He would lash out at things that wouldn't make sense to anyone who hadn't experienced the horrors of war as he had. Suddenly, she felt petty for having lashed out as she had, and guilt threatened to rise up and choke her.

"You're forgiven," she replied, leaning into his touch. "It takes two to tango— I shouldn't have baited you like I did. I knew how badly that would hurt you, and that's exactly why I said it."

At that, Eren cracked a grin.

"I expect nothing less from a Kirschtein. Your grandfather would have punched me square in the jaw— and as big as that bastard got when we were older, he probably would have put me on my ass."

(Y/N) couldn't help but laugh, and Eren joined her, their combined joy swelling until there was nothing else in the world but their happiness.

How they started kissing, neither one of them would be able to say afterwards, but in the grand scheme of things, it hardly mattered. Their love was too large to contain, too much to hold back— and it was love, (Y/N) realized, though she hadn't quite put words to it yet. She loved Eren Jaeger, a Creature, a monster, as much as her grandfather before her had and more. She loved him with a desperation that felt like being knocked over by an ocean wave and plunged into depths where her feet no longer touched the sand. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone before.

And, as he placed her gently on her bed that was barely big enough for two, divesting himself of his shirt above her, (Y/N) thought that maybe she didn't mind it so much as long as he loved her in return.

"I missed you," said Eren, dropping kisses by her ear as he unhooked her bra. "I missed this."

"Me too," she gasped as his mouth wandered to her nipple, her hands fisting in his hair. "Oh, God, I missed you too."

The time for words was soon gone, however; Eren's sinful, sinful mouth traveled lower and lower until he was kissing at the insides of her thighs, parting them to access what lay between, and (Y/N) threw her head back as he spread her open with his hands and sucked brazenly at her clit.

How long he spent there, worshipping her sex, (Y/N) had no idea; all she knew was that she came once from his mouth on her and a second time from his fingers inside her, and when he finally, mercifully withdrew, she was broken down to the simplest parts of herself; there was nothing left but an affection so deep that it threatened to overtake her if she didn't let it out, and she did the only thing she knew to do to release the overwhelming pressure that was building in her chest as Eren pushed his big, veiny cock into her.

She told him what she should have said a long time ago.

"Oh, Eren," she gasped as his cockhead shoved deep inside her. "I love you."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Eren went unnaturally still. He looked at her with pupils blown wide inside emerald eyes, and his fangs slightly distended; in any other situation, (Y/N) might have laughed at how surprised he seemed, but it seemed as though she were frozen in time, unable to do anything but stare earnestly up at them, hoping he understood how much she cared for him.

"You… what?"

"I love you," she repeated, her body moving without her permission to roll her hips up into him, moving his cock even further inside her. "Please, Eren, I need—"

He cut her off with a forceful, bruising kiss, and his hips started making slow, deep thrusts inside her, her legs hiked up over his shoulders.

"Again," he said against her lips."Say it again."

"I love you."

Another thrust or two, a hand circling her wounded throat.

"Again."

"I love you, Eren."

"Again."

This time, it was only a whisper.

"I love you," she said, and Eren began fucking her in earnest.

"You are so fucking beautiful," he told her as he thrust hard and deep inside her. "You're every man's dream, a nirvana the damned such as myself were never meant to reach. (Y/N), you are everything, and I—"

He seemed to choke on the words, and (Y/N) kissed him as he tried to regain his composure.

"I don't deserve you," he said, shaking with the force of their passion. "I don't deserve your love."

It's not about deserving, she wanted to say, It never was, but then she was coming again, her climax contracting her walls around her lover, and it was all she could do to remain conscious as Eren fucked her relentlessly through it all, chasing his own high.

It was only later, after a shower and something to eat that they finally spoke again. They were back in bed, and Eren's arm was wrapped around her, as though he were afraid to let her go for even a moment; truthfully, (Y/N) thought he was asleep, but then his breath tickled her ear as he said,

"I love you, angel."

And that, (Y/N) thought, had been worth it all, in the end.