#I'm finally in my new home in Portland

[pearldefiance]

The difference isn't "people write fanfiction now and it's fundamentally unserious and unworthy to be Culture." People who break out the smelling salts and head to the fainting couch when they hear "Dante's Divine Comedy was fanfiction" are ignoring the point that cultural production is the same as it ever was: Any foundational cultural myth has hundreds to thousands of different versions that each reflect the experiences of contributors from different times and places. Look at Robin Hood. Look at King Arthur. (I'm picking those because they're the easy ones most Westerners know. What I'm saying is broadly applicable.)

What has changed is that corporations now own the majority of foundational cultural myths and leverage them as capital. That gives them carte blanche to claim that derived works are fundamentally lesser and subject to their authority, a claim most people accept uncritically. "Fanfiction" has always been going on as long as you recognize that "fans" are the folk in folklore. They receive something from a storyteller, they change it, and their versions drastically outnumber the so-called official version. For most of history, the folk have defined the grounding myths that underpin their social consensus. It was very difficult to nearly impossible to point back into history and say "this was the first, canonical version from the real author." In many cases, we still can't figure it out. And it's probable we never will, because narratives weren't (that kind of) capital for most of history.

This is just another way fences are being placed around the commons and we are all being robbed of something intrinsically human, the right to shape and share the collective semiotic space.

[pixiesfz]

Is that Jessie fic getting a 3rd part? I want to see them reunite 🥺

I wrote this in my study I:

ALSO: I changed the club that y/n moved to because I was told Gotham wasn't near Portland and then I felt stupid but I'm not that familiar with NWSL

the set up j.f

plot: Your teammate is giving you a hard time about Jessie

warnings: angst part 3 of hey there

You had finally settled into your new home and had made your debut for Seattle Reign FC.

You had made some new friends and even kept in contact with almost all of the girls from Chelsea, Christine had come over every now and then to make sure you were okay but in reality there was only ever one girl that you wanted to see.

Jessie.

You hated yourself for it.

You were the one who broke her heart, you were the one to tear your relationship apart.

She has every right to ignore you.

But it still hurts when you would see each other in public and she wouldn’t even say hi.

But today was different. Today Seattle Reign would vs Portland Thorns and as both you and Jessie were midfielders you knew there would have to be some sort of altercation between you two.

Lauren Barnes, a friend you had made since your move was waving her hand in front of your face, trying to gain attention as you sipped on your hot chocolate. “Earth to y/n” she sang out and you looked up at her “Sorry?” you asked

“I said are you worried about the game but I think I already got my answer” she smirked “Oh” you shrugged “I guess”.

“So it’s true then,” Lauren said, leaning closer to you “What is?” you asked

“That you and Jessie dated before she moved to Portland”

You rolled your eyes at her eagerness “Yes we did Lozza, now go off and pester someone else” you whined, and the girl shook her head “Why’d you break up?” she asked “Because she was going to Portland and I thought my forever home was London” you told her “but you’re back here” she pointed out “I am” you nodded “So…” she trailed off “So?” you asked.

“So get back together!” she whisper yelled and you flinched away “Jesus Lauren” you whisper yelled back and she backed away sheepishly “Sorry”.

The girl didn’t stop making comments about the Canadian to you on the bus and in the changing room as you all got ready.

“You are not helping me,” you told the girl as you laced up your boots.

“I’m being honest I saw her looking at you when we were all checking out the pitch” she excitedly told you “No she wasn’t” you denied “She was! It was like you guys were playing tennis, every time you looked away she was looking at you and every time you looked at her she was looking away!”

“Do you mind focussing on the game?”

“Nope”.

You rolled your eyes in defeat and shrugged off your jacket “let’s go games about to start” you huffed and walked away.

Christine saw you walk out with a scowl as she was also planning to get an early start on the line-up.

“Kiddo what’s up?” she exclaimed and grabbed your shoulders, you turned your head towards her “Just a bad day,” you told her “Was it Lauren teasing you?” she asked and you shot your head up “How Did you-“ “I may have asked her to ask about Jessie to you” she admitted and you stepped back “why?”

“Because I have been pestering Jessie”

“Well stop,” you told her “Me and Jessie broke up a year ago” you started, not hearing the boots that were walking behind you “It’s been a year and I haven’t even got the courage to start a conversation with her and you guys are telling me to ask her out again, do you even know if that’s what she wants” you ranted.

Jessie has always been an early bird, to everything. It usually gave her peace and quiet but when she decided to join Christine at the line-up she definitely wasn’t expecting to see you waving your hands around whilst complaining.

“I haven’t even got the courage to start a conversation with her and you guys are telling me to ask her out again, do you even know if that’s what she wants?”

Your words were clean off your tongue and Jessie stepped away and hid behind the corner.

Ask her out again.

But you didn’t love her.

At least that’s what you told her.

“I’m sorry” you apologized to Christine and hugged her, sighing in relief when she smoothed her hands over your back “Freshen up kid, I’ll see you on the field”.

You walked away, thankfully to the front so Jessie didn’t have to worry about you but as soon as you were out of sight Jessie stepped to Christine.

“Why are you meddling?” she asked the older Canadian who was shocked to see her “Jessie-“ “She told me she didn’t love me and I moved states, I thought I was over her” she gritted her teeth “god” she cursed “you guys can at least talk about it,” Christine said and Jessie scoffed “she might have something that you’ll want to hear,” the older woman said softly “like what, how much she didn’t love for those two years of us dating”

“Jessie” Christine tried to reason but the girl back away “I’ll come when Janine does” she said and walked back to the room, opposite of where you had gone.

Christine watched her walk away and lifted her arms in surrender.

“Fucking kids”.

[vexillology-for-brains]

The State of Maine Has Chosen a Final Design!!

This is the new design of the Maine state flag that will be voted on by the public in November!

Personally, I feel that this design will be spectacular flying across a state that has become a second home to me as I've been living in the Portland area for work this summer. I can safely say that if I was registered to vote in Maine I'd be thrilled to have this as my official state flag. I only hope it passes this coming fall. It's been interesting seeing all of the various 'pine tree flag' designs that several members of the community had made. While I didn't see all of the submissions, just this specific design being worked on, I'm told that many of the submissions will be made public for viewing.

I'm not the biggest fan of the fact that the green is two-toned, an opinion I held in the final drafting meeting, but I believe that it may grow on me. It's a nice touch that will be visible up close and look nice on TV broadcasts while not being distracting from a distance. And from a distance you'll still be able to tell that it's a green eastern pine tree. I like the asymmetrical tree, it’ll stand out a lot. The background color, which is called ‘buff’ is also distinct and should look great at a distance.

The design prompt was to base the modern flag on the 1901 pine tree design. And the panel of Maine judges went through a lot and I mean a lot of design configurations for the pine tree. They were happy with this one, the Maine Secretary of State was happy with this one, and NAVA was happy with it after we redesigned the tree several times.

I'm excited to say that I was a (very small) part in the final drafting process this past Sunday (Aug. 4, 2024) with the designers and more experienced NAVA members. In attendance was our amazing Secretary Ted Kaye, and the Maine Secretary of State: honorable Shenna Bellows, and the designer Adam Lemire, among other vexilographers. I'm happy I can finally talk about this publicly, even a day not talking about it drove me crazy.

As I was present for the final drafting meeting, for any interested in more details can send me an ask or reblog and I'll respond as best I can. I won't have all the answers seeing as I'm not exactly the most senior member of NAVA, but also consider this as a general blog AMA.

I can't wait to welcome a new changed state flag later in 2024! Have a great day y'all! (Just realized this is two posts in less than a week, NEW RECORD!)

[crimeronan]

Are you a happy or unhappy person and why???

this is such a mysterious query. who are you and why are you asking......

honestly i reject the premise of this question. there's no such thing as a "happy person" or "unhappy person." emotions are transient, not definitive.

sometimes i am happy and sometimes i am unhappy. most days i'm an odd mix of the two. my car finally died for good so now i'm financially ruined and have to deal with the stress of shopping for a new one, and figuring out loans and money and all that, when my bank account is currently overdrafted over $80 for car insurance i no longer need, bc i didn't cancel the policy soon enough, because i got stressed enough that i stopped functioning at all for several days.

this has all made me fairly unhappy.

and yet!

that post about how you can customize your life like a video game by making decisions as they come to you has been charming me for days. five years ago i packed all my shit in a uhaul and moved 3300 miles to oregon without ever having visited before. i found far more of a home here than anywhere i grew up. i weathered the pandemic inside with my polycule, which is made up of people i hand-picked to love, bc i prioritized the choices that would make me happiest. i'm slowly broadening my friend group here. i didn't die last year when i might have & i can walk and breathe now. portland's climate is home to more roses than almost anywhere else in the world, so many of my neighbors have blooming rose bushes in seemingly impossible color configurations. an app on my phone tells me which birds are singing in the trees. there's an iraqi restaurant near me with food so good i've been having it every time my chronic illness acts up. my weighted blanket is warm and my partners are kind.

so. i am also very happy. despite the unhappiness. i have a good life and i don't want to die.

people aren't inherently happy or unhappy. everything's environmental, bitch, let's get you some fruit!

[bookwyrm35]

I can't belive it's been a year.

It's been an entire year since I woke up to the awful news that my favorite show ever had been canceled after only one season, eight episodes of pure mystery, action, tension and comfort. And entire year since I texted my friend in tears and spent the whole morning mourning the loss of a treasure I had only just begun to know. An entire year since they said this show wasn't good enough, and we said yes.

It.

Is.

We have accomplished so much in just one year. The campaigns and the petitions and cons yes, but also all the new fans, new family members, and new memories made within our shared home of 35 Portland Row. I've never been so fond of and so proud to be in a fandom than in this one. We're not perfect, sometimes we slip up or go too far or receded into ourselves a little too far. But that's just proof that we're human, and being human is a truly wonderful thing.

I'm so glad I could find this family when I did and that you've stayed with me as I moved across the world and seen it shatter into a million pieces. Wouldn't be the same person without Lockwood and Lucy and Geroge and Flo and Holly and Kipps and the Skull and all of you.

So an enormous, mountain full of thank yous to the wonderful Jonathan Stroud for first creating this world we all hold so dear, and then thank you to everyone at Complete Fiction for bringing those words into form and light. And finally thank you to all of LockNation. You've made this year since the cancelation not only bearable, but fun. Joyous, even in times of grief and hopelessness and stagnation. You have always been there, and I thank you so much for that. You are the world to me.

Let's keep being just reckless enough together 💙🖤🧡

[no-side-us]

The Invisible Man, Ch. 20 - At The House in Great Portland Street

The whole beginning section of this chapter is really just emphasizing what little attachments Griffin has left before he ultimately turns himself invisible.

"My mind was still on this research, and I did not lift a finger to save his character. I remember the funeral, the cheap hearse, the scant ceremony, the windy frost-bitten hillside, and the old college friend of his who read the service over him—a shabby, black, bent old man with a snivelling cold."

For one, his father's dead, not that Griffin seems to have cared about him anyways. He doesn't say any words nor does he put much care into organizing anything. The funeral is described as "cheap" and "scant," presumably because Griffin wasn't going to spend a majority of his new found money on his own research.

"I remember walking back to the empty house, through the place that had once been a village and was now patched and tinkered by the jerry builders into the ugly likeness of a town. Every way the roads ran out at last into the desecrated fields and ended in rubble heaps and rank wet weeds. I remember myself as a gaunt black figure, going along the slippery, shiny pavement, and the strange sense of detachment I felt from the squalid respectability, the sordid commercialism of the place."

Second, the village Griffin once recognized has been turned into the "ugly likeness of a town" by "jerry builders," people who apparently built cheap homes of poor quality for quick profits. I like the visual description of Griffin as a black figure on shiny pavement to highlight how much he doesn't fit into this new area.

“But going along the High Street, my old life came back to me for a space, for I met the girl I had known ten years since. Our eyes met." "Something moved me to turn back and talk to her. She was a very ordinary person."

I've always been curious by this seemingly ordinary girl Griffin once knew. It seems like the last gasp of Griffin's "old life," the very last thing that might make him feel something for the world around him. The fact he is the one who tries to talk to her makes me think Griffin also understands this a bit. Instead though, he just finds nothing.

"It was all like a dream, that visit to the old places. I did not feel then that I was lonely, that I had come out from the world into a desolate place. I appreciated my loss of sympathy, but I put it down to the general inanity of things. Re-entering my room seemed like the recovery of reality. There were the things I knew and loved. There stood the apparatus, the experiments arranged and waiting. And now there was scarcely a difficulty left, beyond the planning of details."

And finally Griffin enters the small world he does care about, with its experiments and apparatus. I love that one of the few things which brings Griffin joy is all the science and study and experimentation he does.

I don't have much else to say about the rest of this chapter that other people haven't already said, so here are some random thoughts:

“For a moment he gaped. Then he gave a sort of inarticulate cry, dropped candle and writ together, and went blundering down the dark passage to the stairs. I shut the door, locked it, and went to the looking-glass. Then I understood his terror.... My face was white—like white stone."

I don't really understand Griffin's reaction here because if he's an albino shouldn't that mean his face is already very white? I'm assuming that his face is now somehow even more white, or his albinism was more partial and now it's complete.

"Then I slipped up again with a box of matches, fired my heap of paper and rubbish, put the chairs and bedding thereby, led the gas to the affair, by means of an india-rubber tube, and waving a farewell to the room left it for the last time.”

I like that Griffin physically waves farewell to his room before he commits arson against it. Not only is it kind of cute, it also shows how much he cares about both it and all the work he did while he lived there. This is also in contrast to the line earlier during his father's funeral, where he "did not lift a finger" whereas here he'll lift his whole hand.

[jake-richmond]

Modest Medusa 1297

Read Modest Medusa here! Support Modest Medusa on Patreon! Tip Modest Medusa on Ko-fi!

I'm finally back! The storm and ice we had here in Portland left me trapped at home for most of the last week. Thankfully it seems to be over, and I'm back at work today. I'm eager to get back to the story!

If you haven't had a chance, please check out my Kickstarter for the new edition of the Yeld TTRPG. This is a huge 350 page full color hardcover book featuring not just a complete roleplaying game designed by myself and my brother Nick but also comics, lore and art about the land of Yeld. There's so much information in this book that will answer all kind of questions you might have about the background of the world of Yeld and this comic. I think you'll really like it! You can check out the Kickstarter here.

[upthewitchypunx]

It's both the last day of Portland "false spring" but also actually the first day of spring. The rain comes back tomorrow, but I think it will be spring rain, which is different that winter rain here.

I finally got all of our irises divided. It really is my least favorite task. You are supposed to do it every 3 years, but I waited 4 this time. ugh. At least I don't have to worry about it for awhile.

So, the old veg beds are amended, the new veg beds are filled. The native plant bed is amended and I'm just waiting to see what survived the winter. Just about everything has been mulched. Some wildflower seeds are under some mulch in the larking strip, a few sweetpea seeds, Cascadia peas, and radishes have been planted. A few plants transplanted to new homes. That's about all we can do now. Just have clean up to do today and settle in for at least another month of rain.

[themultifandomgal]

Matt Casey x reader

What if Casey is dating Andy Dardens little sister who comes back to Chicago to replace gabby Dawson when she left Chicago.

Y/n had to leave Chicago to take care of her two nephews Griffin and Ben. She and Casey decided to have a long distance relationship but he visit his girlfriend as much as he can do.

It is the Stellaride wedding and y/n are coming back to Chicago to be there for her best friend and for Severide who is like a brother to her. Y/n has some news for everyone that she tells them about before the wedding.

Y/n is moving back to Chicago with her two nephews and she can finally take care of them in there home city.

Casey is gonna propose to his girlfriend in the evening of the wedding when they are alone. But there is one problem.

Gabby shows up at the firehouse the day before the wedding. Casey doesn’t care that his ex wife is in town and that she will be at the wedding.

But y/n feels uncomfortable when gabby is in Chicago seven if they used to be best friends and partners on Ambo 61 before Leslie Shay started at firehouse 51.

Y/n are best friend with Sylvie Brett and they where partners on Ambo 61 before she moved to Portland.

Based on last episode of season 10 and the first episode of season 11

Matt Casey- Home Pt1

Things were obviously tuff after my brother Andy's death. Heather my sister in law got a DUI and ended up in prison for 15 months. During that time I looked after hers and my brothers kids, when she was released Heather took Griffin and Ben to live away in Florida. She suddenly stoped phoning me and anytime I would phone her I was cut off. Eventually I was blocked. This was heard on me because all I wanted was to speak to my nephews. Matt and Gabby got divorced then I started dating Matt.

Then one day Griffin appeared on mine and Matts doorstep telling us how his mom keeps moving him around and now is in prison again. Of course after a lengthy conversation Matt and I made the decision that I'd moved in with Griffin, Ben and Heather until I know that she can cope again.

I was gone for a long time, but Matt and I made it work doing long distance. He would also come and visit me any time he could, but it's tough. And unfortunately Heather kept getting into trouble, so Matt suggests that the kids just move in with him and I, that way Heather can sort herself out and the kids would have a stable environment. Plus with Gabby leaving I was offered to become PIC of ambo 61. I'm not just coming home because of that, it's also my best friend Kelly's wedding.

I walk into the fire house holding on to my nephews hands hoping to surprise everyone. Of course Matt and Kelly know I'm coming home, but they think my flight gets in later

"Geeze, thought I'd at least get some banners for my return"

"Babe?" Matt looks over a little shocked "thought I was picking you and the kids up later"

"Eh flight changed"

"No it didn't you said you wanted to surprise everyone"

"Thanks Ben"

"YN. It's good to have you back" Herrmann pulls me into a hug which is followed by everyone else

"YN thank you for coming back for the wedding"

"Well that's not the only reason I'm back" I say replying to Kelly

"Well don't leave us all waiting" Brett encourages

"Well I'm coming back permanently, Ben, Griffin and I. I'm gonna be the PIC of ambo 61 again"

"Yes!" Gallo fist bumps the air

"Bless our saviour"

"Oh thank god" Brett hugs me again

"What did I miss?" I chuckle

"The person who replaced you temporarily, well she's not the nicest"

"Emma just creates a lot of drama" Gallo replies for Capp

"She's been after the PIC job since you left"

"Oh well don't worry about her anymore. I'm back next shift"

"Perfect" Brett once again hugs me tight

"Right we best get you guys fed. You hungry?" Kelly asks me and the kids

"I'm starving" I reply chuckling. The kids follow Kelly to the kitchen while I get stopped by my very handsome boyfriend

"Hey"

"Hi" I smile up at him "don't be to mad at me for trying to surprise you"

"Just glad your here and staying" he places his hands on either side of my face and presses a kiss against my lips

"Oh Errm sorry to interrupt" we break apart and see Emma "was just coming to collect my things"

"No hard feelings right?"

"No course not" she smiles but I can see how fake it is

"Come on let's grab something to eat" Matt wraps his arm around my shoulders and we head to the kitchen

"If we had known you were coming back we would have made a nice spread"

"It's ok. Don't worry about it"

"Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3 , ambo 61. Structure fire 336 Arlington"

"I'll see you guys later. Matt I'll see you at home"

"Home. I like the sound of that" I give him a peck before he shoots off

"Ok let's get you guys home hey?"

On the way home the taxi driver starts to drive passed where the fire. I notice Emma outside getting shouted at, but no Matt, Stella or Sylvie

"Hey can you stop a minute?" I ask and get out

"Hey. Boden things ok? Where's Brett?"

"Inside. Woman's giving birth and Jacobs left her"

"Chief send me in?"

"What. You don't start till...."

"I know but if someone's giving birth up there Brett's gonna need help, please?"

"Ok go"

"Ok boys I want you to stand over there with Chief Boden. Ok don't leave his side"

"Ok" the boys leave the car while I run into the burning building

"Brett? Kidd? Casey?" I shout running up some stairs

"YN?" I hear Brett yell and follow her voice

"Holy shit" I notice the room on fire

"She's crowning" Brett tells me "YN give me the bulb suction" I hand her what she needs while I tend to her wound on her shoulder "ok big push" Brett says. Thankfully we hear crying from the baby

"Ok Kidd Casey carry her out. Brett you got the baby?"

"Yeah"

"Ok when we have them in the ambo I want to put oxygen on the baby just in case as well as the mother. Let's go" I grab the bag and follow the others out. When we get outside to safety I hear Emma getting told to clean out her locker

"Welcome home YN" Brett smiles giving me a side hug once the baby was in the ambo having oxygen thanks to other paramedics that just arrived.

We arrive back at the firehouse, everyone excited for my return when I see Gabby. My old best friend

"Hey" she smiles and Matt and I

"Hi Gabby"

"Well this is awkward" Mouch mumbles earning a nudge from Gallo

"I'm not here to cause drama. Just here for the wedding"

"Errm it's good to see you Gabby. Matt I'm gonna take the kids home. I'll see you later" I give him a kiss and leave the firehouse feeling a little uncomfortable about Matts ex being here. Yes we were once friends and yes ok I'm the bitch that dated her best friends ex husband, but doesn't mean that I'm not a little worried.

[donnerpartyofone]

When I read the Marie Kondo book, I was struck by her remark that people who cannot keep their dwellings tidy have often lacked a strong sense of ownership in their lives, of their own places and possessions. This made perfect sense to me; I mean to some degree she's talking about people whose parents always cleaned up after them, which is certainly not my case, but it's definitely true that I have never had a well-developed sense of anything being mine. Even when I was little I was intensely aware that all material things were just breaking down and slipping through my fingers, and maybe I shouldn't get too attached to anything because the heartbreak would kill me. Also I never felt like a real authority in my own life, as if my only importance was relative to other people (specifically, whether I was annoying or inconveniencing or even disgusting someone like, say, my mother). Also the world simply seemed overwhelming and like a place where I would never have authorial power of any kind.

Keeping my room clean was a relentless and unresolved problem until I finally left home for college. In college (a place I really didn't belong) I was neat to the degree that I didn't want to offend my roommates, although I sometimes had roommates who were just as depressed and disorganized as I was, then I was really out of hand. When things got seriously bad for me mentally, I took a semester off in Portland, Maine. There I kept my room like a monk's cell, sweeping the floor every day, making my bed, and generally showing a lot of respect for my surroundings. I loved Portland and although I didn't live alone, it often felt like I did, and I also didn't have any real friends, which may have given me a rare feeling of sovereignty that resulted in my increased organization and cleanliness. When my family visited, they expressed so much astonishment at the state of things that it made me feel embarrassed and angry. It's not great to be told so emphatically that no one can even imagine you taking care of anything, and that it seems like some sort of absurd miracle when you do.

I was pretty messy again when I moved to New York City. Renting crummy apartments all the time doesn't really inspire feelings of respectful stewardship, although I did vacillate between extreme disorder and urgent cleaning episodes. I had never imagined myself in NYC, but I didn't know what else to do with myself besides move in with my dad for a while and try to figure things out. At least I hadn't gone home to my grimy, weird upstate home town, somewhere I never quite belonged; of course I'm marked deeply by the place just because I grew up there, but even among friends I could never really be myself without people assuming I was "just kidding" or something. Some people were very upset that I drifted off on my own, even years later, which I could find complimentary, but the message I got was that I must have thought I was too good for the town and everyone in it and so I went to "live my dreams" in the big city, which is really not a fair or accurate description of what happened to me at all. I never developed a feeling of patriotism for my home, and I also never felt patriotic about New York City; it was just easier for me to be there, at least in some dimensions.

A guy I'll call my ex-boyfriend for convenience, even though it's not a very good description of the relationship (one of my best friends in high school who I tried, disastrously, to date during college before we inevitably drifted apart), was always passionate about our home. I think when you have had a reasonably happy childhood and your teenage years were an exciting daily adventure, then it's easy to love where you grew up. I recently saw a Facebook post from him describing a big civic event (festival? with maybe a political angle?) with the most profound affection for all of the townsfolk, it was beautiful to see the place through his eyes for a moment even though I never experienced what he felt the whole time I lived there. On the other hand, I still keep in touch with one like-minded friend from high school, and although she also moved away she often sends me news items from our home about, like, bullies we used to know who became local politicians and are now in hot water for corruption, or like the major crisis that struck when a gigantic murder of crows came to roost and painted the entire town in bird shit for months on end (I actually don't even know whether this is over or not). Now THAT'S the place I know.

One day I was saying something to my father about my chronic sense of placelessness, and he said, "I know, you'd probably be happy just living in a bucket." I had repeated this to the ex-boyfriend, and he laughed out loud and made a physical gesture that suggested me coiled up in the bottom of a bucket like a snake, glaring up defensively. STAY OUT OF MY BUCKET! I just remembered this and repeated it to my husband, who also laughed out loud at the accuracy of this assessment. It's nice to feel understood, to know that multiple generations of men in my life automatically understand my bucket-dwelling quality.

My husband also moved to the city after school, and he is immensely proud of his many years in Brooklyn. He has a big map of the borough covering one thigh. He knows lots of different neighborhoods well, votes religiously, respects the older generations of our neighbors, cares what happens to the people here. I admire his depth of feeling, even though I can only relate to the part about respecting your surroundings and the people who were there first. The only time I was struck with a powerful sense of belonging was when we moved in together on the border of Red Hook, and began to explore that neighborhood. Red Hook is unusual because it is inaccessible by subway, which is surely part of why it has such a distinct personality. It's basically a tough, gritty little port town, shady and overgrown, with an extremely diverse population that intermingles working class families with rugged artist types. The first time I ever saw it, I was taking a bus at night to some other unfamiliar part of town, and I could see into the open doors of bars and restaurants on the main drag; it looked so beautiful to me, like some forgotten little burgh somewhere that could not possibly have been part of Brooklyn. I probably knew right then, more than a decade ago, that I wanted to live there. When my husband and I moved in next door (around ten years ago in April), I'll never forget the first day we decided to explore the place. We found ourselves sitting in a bar converted from an old bait shop (I once saw someone reach into the mouth of a mounted bass and pull out a cigarette; he explained that it was like a take-a-penny leave-a-penny community thing, and "You never know what brand you're gonna get!") that was covered from floor to ceiling in taxidermy and obscene tchotchkes. I remember sitting by the window staring out at the dusty main drag and passively thinking, "I'm home. I belong here." We eventually had our wedding reception there, having been given brilliant advice on where to have it by the owner of that same bar.

I know that part of the reason I like it so much is that it does actually remind me of my home town, which is extremely perverse of me. The grit, the pleasant shabbiness, the mix of blue collar stoicism and starving artist-ness. It's all so familiar, and sometimes you can become attached to things that are familiar even if they are not connected originally to happiness. They're part of what you know, what you're an expert of, what made you into yourself. I would never move back home (I just told my husband that if I had to for some dire reason I would immediately turn into a scary witch on the outskirts of town), I don't think it was a "great place to grow up" based on my own experience, but now that I have the distance I appreciate it in some way, a way I can only call "perverse". Apparently it has begun to turn into a chic, arty getaway for NYC expats, and every time I run into someone in the city who explains to me how "cool" the place is, I want to turn inside out. It's untrue! Becoming "cool" to those people is the least cool thing that could possibly happen to it! Suddenly I want to rush to its defense and shout down all these accusations of boho hepness. If you think that town is "cool" you're wrong, and you don't belong there, and you should STAY THE FUCK OUT. (I mean don't actually stay out, I'm sure you're great for the local economy, but you're still WRONG)

Anyway. Finally Red Hook is about to become my home for-real. Ever since we signed the lease, it has been calling to me, I want to go there every day even though I don't have anything to do and I'll soon be there all the time. I think I'll live pretty differently once I'm there, with my newfound feeling of ownership. Now I just have to figure out where I can get one of the bumper stickers that we saw the first time we visited, at the famous key lime pie place that was covered in signs and stickers featuring ornery slogans such as:

WELCOME TO RED HOOK

YOU MADE IT. NOW--GIT!

[heylabodega]

The year that I was 32 I was happy. The year that I was 32 I was so happy that it made me nervous, I was so happy with my friends and my job and my art and my home and my hair that it circled back around to anxiety that I might lose any piece of it or things might (will, eventually) change. I continued my streak of making new friends, of learning new things, of getting new jobs, of being proud of myself.

The year that I was 32, my aunt and I became the only two women in our family to know what it's like to be 32 and childless, I texted her wonderingly and triumphantly. The year I was 32 I think I finally parented myself up to standard level, loved myself and forgave myself and protected myself enough for the 1.25 parents I didn't have.

The year that I was 32 flew by and I was so happy to be getting older. I felt the weight of the years not as a burden but as a foundation. I felt my understanding of myself deepen, as I felt my relationships deepen with their layers of time, with the sheer amount of happenings and words exchanged and things seen. I was sometimes still, but rarely, self-conscious about being older than my coworkers. The year that I was 32 I loved my coworkers so much, I wanted to tell them about things and hear their thoughts and get their opinions and soak up their expertise and their beautiful, beautiful self assurance.

The year that I was 32 Daniel and I went back to doing trivia, and I was relieved that he wasn't angry with me. I recognized a softening in him that I recognize in so many of us, the softening of experiences not turning out the way you thought they would, the new understanding.

The year that I was 32 I finally got to babysit Remy, got to shepherd him safely from daycare to sleep sack, check on him three times to make sure he was breathing in his crib, pull him into my lap when he hit his head and coo I know I know I know it doesn't feel good when we hit our head.

The year that I was 32 I kept getting both more and less forgiving. The understanding of how hard we're all trying, of how many things happen in a life; but likewise the how hard we're all trying and sometimes it's not enough, how many things happen in a life and sometimes they're someone's fault.

The year that I was 32 I didn't buy any makeup except some mascara refills. The year that I was 32 I got so beautiful again. I'm sorry to say it, but it bears acknowledging. I saw it in the mirror and I could see it in other people's faces sometimes, but unlike when I was younger, it felt like mine and not the world's. I got more sure of my artistic opinions, felt they were valid, felt like 'I didn't think it achieved its objectives' coming from me was a valuable critique.

The year that I was 32 I spent my going to Paris money on a studio space. I went to the ER again. I slept and slept and slept. I went to Scotland, the most beautiful place in the world that rearranged my insides in a way I may never be fully able to describe. I went to LA for two weeks and fell even more in love with Marie and Solomon and their life. I went to Tampa for 24 hours, i went to Portland for a week, I went to Delaware for a weekend, I went, still, back and forth between DC and New York so many times that I thought I'd go crazy.

The year that I was 32 I almost never cried, except occasionally when a TV show got me, when George Bailey was the richest man in Bedford Falls, when we listened to Let's Get Married by The Proclaimers in the car in the Columbia River Gorge and my mom was driving and my brother was in the backseat and we would see my sister soon and hike up to the waterfall where my grandpa's ashes are scattered. I couldn't stop smiling though, walking around Greenpoint in the sunset, smiling smiling smiling until sometimes I also cried.

The year that I was 32 I was so proud and so happy that I hoped I'd run into people I hadn't seen in years on the street so they could ask me what I'd been up to and I could tell them, beaming, the happiness coming through my every pore. I didn't run into anyone I hadn't seen in years. The year that I was 32 I was still myself, so so much, over and over, every day, and I began to really accept that.

[pixiesfz]

more jessie pls bby 🙏

in honour of more jflem news lets write some ANGST AHAHAHA

moving on j.f

plot: Jessie tells you she's leaving chelsea

warning angst

You could tell something was wrong with Jessie. She was spending more time on the phone which you assumed was her family as they missed her from the Christmas break but usually they would also ask to talk to you so when you texted her sister she said that they've only been texting.

You were getting slightly worried as your girlfriend wasn't telling you who was on the phone.

You were all at training, you were partnered with Niamh as you kicked the ball to each other. "You know how my last relationship went Niamh" you groaned and the English girl nodded "Jessie is not the type to cheat, she is so in love with you it's gross"

"Then why isn't she telling me who she's on the phone with 24/7?" you complained and the girl shrugged "Do you know what they talk about?" she asked and you shook your head "She always moves to another room in the house whenever they call" you explained.

Niamh furrowed her eyebrows "Have you ever thought that it could be her agent?" she asked softly as her eyes turned to Jessie who was talking to Emma on the sidelines.

"I- I don't know" you admitted as your heart started to beat faster "she would tell me if she wanted to move" you paused "wouldn't she?"

Niamh looked down at her feet "I mean she doesn't play as much as she used to" she said and your breaths felt quicker "but she would still tell me I mean I'm her girlfriend"

Niamh looked back at you, noticing your nerves, and walked to you, placing her hand on your shoulder "Hey we could be reading this wrong" she told you "she could just be calling her Canadian team mates" she tried to reassure you.

You both watched as Jessie excused herself from her and Emma's conversation to pick up her phone that had started ringing.

"Yeah because she can get out of training to call her teammates" you scoffed.

You were quick to get out of training, waiting at Jessie's car with your arms crossed and foot tapping whilst you thought.

You would be fine if she left Chelsea for more gametime, well maybe not Arsenal but it's what she deserved.

She had friends at Liverpool from UCLA they would look after her there.

but still... why didn't she tell you.

Jessie finally made her way to the car with a smile, her hair out and brushed back which usually you would run your hands through immediately.

"hey" she smiled, kissing your cheek before headig to the drivers seat, you froze as she sat down.

Was she this calm about keeping a secret from you.

You bit your tongue on the way home as the car filled with uncomfortable silence. It wasn't until Jessie parked when your short fuse had exploded.

"Are you leaving Chelsea?" you whispered as Jessie went to open the door, she stopped moving whilst you asked the question, leaning back into her seat with a sigh.

"I-I" she stuttered "You can just say yes Jess," you told her "People have been offering for me" she admits "Explains all the phone calls" You deadpanned.

"I wanted to tell you" she said softly and you scoffed "when?, when you played your first game there, I don't mind that your leaving to another club, it won't affect our relationship we're still going to be here and-"

"It's the Portland Thorns" Jessie cut you off.

Your head spun to your girlfriend "oh" was all you said.

Portland Thorns.... in the NWSL....in America....four hours away from you.

"How much?" you asked "what?" Jessie said "How much are they paying you?" you asked, your voice hard

"250,000 dollars" she whispered, her hands lifting up to grip the steering wheel harder.

You scoffed at the information "that's really good Jess" you whispered and the brunette nodded "I said no" she revealed and you furrowed your brows "why?" you asked

"I saw you at training with Niamh and-"

"This is because of me?" you asked, shocked at her words "I don't want to leave you y/n" she stated and you crossed your head "Jessie, this is an amazing opportunity for you and not to put it lightly you're not getting the time you deserve"

"If I work harder then-" "No Jessie you know that's not how Emma works" you cut the girl off as uncomfortable silence grew again in the car.

If it was for her career she had to do it, you loved her that much.

"You need to go and play there," you told her and she sat still "I love you y/n, I don't want to lose you, long-distance never lasts and we don't know how long I'll be there for if I go," she said.

You didn't say anything, you just got up and made your way into the house.

Her dream was to become a world wide name in soccer.

You were holding her back.

Jessie came in not too long after you, her hands in her hair "Do you want me to go?" she asked and you looked down, not answering her "I love you so much y/n I'll stay if you love me too, please be honest"

You wanted her to stay.

You wanted her to to be in your bed every night, cuddling you.

You sat still, preparing yourself to look into her eyes which you knew had tears pouring from them.

When you looked up your heart dropped.

"I don't" you whispered "I honestly don't love you enough Jessie," you said sternly as the girl looked away, as she did you wiped the tear that had fallen under one of your eyes.

"okay," she muttered, "I guess I'll go then".

Months later you sat next to Sam as she and Kristie invited you over for dinner and a movie.

"I never asked this but" Sam started "Jessie told me what happened and how you guys broke up" "Sam!" Kristie warned and you sighed "it's fine" you told her.

"I just told her what she needed to hear but I wasn't being honest with her".

[oldfangirl81]

Personal vent

I just discovered my best friend did not know I have agoraphobia. "I just thought you were a home body with PTSD issues towards the Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco".

But then she hasn't seen me since May '19 because life. I had been working hard on it from '10-'19 but the pandemic destroyed the majority of progress I made.

Now it isn't unusual to not go out the front door for 5 days or more. I'm back to not leaving my county (it's big so that's about a 35mile range) except for the very very rare occasion. The last was Sept '23 when I went to Portland for RCCC. I haven't been to San Francisco since at least '19. I love the city. I'm only about 45-60min away.

This came up because my friend wants me to visit her new house and dog. She moved to a small town in a southern state. A big thing with agoraphobia is worry of being unable to escape a situation. I don't drive. So while I love my friend and want to meet her dog that just won't be happening anytime soon.

I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of the month. But that's only one piece that will hopefully help. I'm still working on the psychotherapist part. The last one I tried didn't really get agoraphobia. Her best advice was "ships aren't built to stay in the harbor".

I hate that logic has very little impact on how I feel trying to leave the house. I'm currently stressing because I need to leave the house to get supplies to make slime.

[rebeccathenaturalist]

After a week of driving, teaching and leading tours, I am finally home. After my time at the Sitka Center, I headed up to Portland for a tour Thursday morning, and then a mushroom class for the Vancouver Community Library in the evening. I wrapped up the time with the very first Snow Peak Way at the new Snow Peak Long Beach Campfield, almost literally in my back yard! It was an incredible experience; I got to teach four workshops, and spent the rest of the time enjoying some most excellent food (catered by Matta of Portland) and getting to hang out with some very cool people.

Yesterday was a catch-up day for work at home, and today I'm just doing a little clean-up of that before finally giving myself a couple of days off. It's been an especially busy time, but it's good to be busy with things I really enjoy.

[jaymzeecat]

I'm Gonna Ride This Plane Out of Your Life Again, I Wish That I Could Stay, But You Argue...

I woke up on Wednesday morning fairly early (as I usually do) and cleaned up the AirBnB apathetically. Sad and tired I just wanted to crawl back in bed but we had an early check out time (10:00 AM) so there was no chance of that. Le sigh.

It was a sad morning knowing that this was the last few hours but on the plus side we did find a nearby place to get some breakfast which was pretty good (we both had the Vegan Chorizo Hash). The staff at the restaurant seemed so nice and friendly I felt bad that there were no other customers (save for a Door Dasher who was complaining about the wait for the food). If you're ever looking for breakfast in the Montrose neighborhood of Chicago maybe hit up Breakfast House.

On the way to the train we saw a heart under the overpass which appeared to be made of smeared human feces and if that doesn't make you feel loved by a city I just don't know what does!

The long train ride to O'Hare was spent with me mostly weeping "I'd cry too if I had to go back to Portland." The Funny Bunny said. I was at least looking forward to getting back to Alzee and the cats (a life with no cats?? Who needs it?)... but I started ugly crying as soon as we parted ways at the airport. It was so bad that the security lady was like "ARE YOU OKAY???" I would've thought crying at the airport was a common occurrence but maybe I just cry like a crazy person, haha.

The wait to board wasn't too long thankfully and the plane was a little nicer than the one I flew in on. I got the impression my seat mate (a white haired older fella) was confused by what I was doing in First Class (don't let the colorful hair fool you, I'm a bougie bitch) but the flight attendant remembered me "Oh, Jaymz! Didn't I just have a flight with you?" "About a week ago, yeah." "Wonderful!" See, man? I'm famous.

I had a lot of thinking to do on the long ride home and I was a little overwhelmed. I don't know yet how to break the news to my mom that I don't think I can handle a flight over 4 hours (she wants me to come to Florida, I just don't see how). But at least I got some warm nuts and ginger ale.

The vegan meal was pretty good too. White Bean Chili and Polenta. I erred on the side of caution again and skipped the cookie since everyone got one and I assume it's not vegan. So just be aware of that if you're vegan and you fly Alaska.

I got a nice view of the mountains to welcome me home. I wish I was better at taking pictures out of plane windows, haha.

As we de-boarded my new best friend flight attendant said "Goodbye, Jaymz will we be seeing again soon?" I laughed and she turned to the other attendant and said "She's the quietest passenger I've ever had." She has not heard my cackle...

Alzee picked me up at the airport, it's really nice to live only like ten minutes away from it, haha.

All in all it was a good trip, I'm glad I finally got to see Chicago so I can cross that off my bucket list, haha. Ashley and Shelly were proud of me for stepping outside my comfort zone and going on an adventure. I'm also really thankful that the Funny Bunny was willing to show me all around because I know I wouldn't have been able to figure out the trains on my own. I also came away with a few mementos...

From left to right, Gifts from the Funny Bunny: Sue the T-Rex from the Mold-O-Rama mold machine at the Field Museum and Klondike Kat & Ricochet Rabbit figures (thanks!). Pine cone from the Botanical Garden and flat penny (DNA strand design) from the Science Museum. Mug with "The Loop" train map design I got at a souvenir shop. Precious memories.

I hope you all enjoyed reading about my own personal Adventures in Babysitting, I will try to document more adventures in the future. I have been meaning to make it up to Seattle again sometime soon and visit Arizona and California again so I should really get to planning... If you're vegan and want to show me around your city (and not murder me!) feel free to hit me up sometime. As long as it's not more than 4 hours by plane, haha.

[the-converse-high-top]

2 9 22 for the ask game <3

Ty for the ask!!!

2: (album of the year) for this I have to say fantastista. I think it's the only album I've listened to all the way through on purpose this year and it's also named after the first Käärijä song I listened to that wasnt Cha Cha Cha.

9: (best month of the year for you) this one was kind of hard because I don't even remember what happened yesterday but I think I have to say October with the last week in March-Early April being a close second. In October I was finally getting into the groove of uni, I had new friends and was having fun, it was my birthday, Halloween was coming up, it was just a vibe. And in March-April I did my last production with my high school theater group which was so fun, and then I went to visit my uni for an admit day which was also super fun :D

22: (favorite place you've visited this year) this year is actually one of the years that I've traveled the least, so there's really only one place I can say: Portland. Portland is where my uni is and a place I'm proud* to call my second home. It's been beautiful pretty much all year, and they actually have seasons here (unlike back home)!!!