#I'd say those are the only times an adult has genuinely cared about my mental health so maybe it's time I do too

[anonymous-winter]

In my "actually, life is beautiful... and fragile... and worth living" era but I'm relapsing back to my "if this keeps getting worse..." mentality at an alarming rate

[kehideni]

Macaque has self-worth issues.

I know most of you noticed this already, but maybe i can add something more for you all to consider.

This will be a long post so lemme just put the readmore here

Now lemme start this post with a bit of a curve:

I -as an adult- have come to terms with growing up emotionally neglected. This is something i came to realise as a kid, and have been working on this issue since then.

Symptoms i noticed on myself is:

Not believing myself important

Not expecting people to care about me

Not expecting any help from anyone

Being angry at shows of affection

Not knowing how to react to gifts

Being goal oriented, "whatever the cost" mentality

High levels of independence compared to my own age at the time

Not expecting the same level of commitment in my friendships as i gave into them

Not seeking friendships, sometimes even going into great lenghts to push people away

Expecting people to break their promises, general trust issues

Disliking physical shows of affection(this one doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon)

These are all things that are and were hard to come to terms with. Sometimes i get gifts, drawings, etc. that i'm really grateful for. Every drawing i got ever is saved in a folder in my PC, i am genuinely happy about them, i said thank you to those that gave them/drew them, but emotionally i still struggle with processing it.

I'd get a gift and then just...

not know what to do.

So my statement is the following:

"Macaque behaves/behaved the way an emotionally neglected person does. He did not know that he was important to Wukong nor does he know right now that he is important to Wukong again(or maybe "still")."

And now that the statement is out of the way, here's the reasoning part:

In my 2 parter Wukong post i talked about how Wukong prioritized Macaque and also mentioned that Macaque doesn't really know that when Wukong is upset, he is the reason for it.

Macaque in the flashback scene refuted Wukong doing everything for them, saying he did it for himself, because Wukong became obsessed. While in the Wukong post i said Wukong's reasons were always Macaque, that never came accross to Macaque, he simply did not know or believe it. (And apparently Azure had a hand in that as well "So Monkey King was really a bad guy?" "That's what i believed, what Azure would have you believe." but this part is just speculation.)

People like me and Macaque don't really show affection through physical means. If I like someone then i let them hug me, peck me, be physically affectionate with me because if it makes them happy why not, but I will rarely if ever initiate it. I show my "affection" through allowing things that i'd not allow if i did not like you, but my main way of showing affection is doing everything in my power to make sure you are well. Be it healthcare suggestions, providing necessities and singling out time of my life i dedicate to you. For example if i say Friday after noon i'll come online to play with you, then i'll make it happen.

Macaque doesn't hug the little monkeys back, but he always lets them cling to him.

From this:

To this:

To this:

And it's not a new thing, this happens with Wukong too in the flashback:

While this is a cute scene, Macaque does playfully protest Wukong's hug (something i did too when friends(or even family) of mine wanted to show affection but me not being comfortable with it, playfully pushed them away so their feelings would not get hurt) "Eat your dang peach" a playfull sentence again, but is one meant to make Wukong focus on the peach instead of him. "Stop hugging me, eat your peach instead." Not to say Macaque doesn't like Wukong, again, obviously he does, but to people like him and me who are emotionally stunted, this level of affection is an overdose. We don't know what to do with it, just tone it back a little pls.

There is atleast one more example for this:

Again, he let Wukong be affectionate, but not only did he not reciprocate it, he looked annoyed by it.

Macaque showed his affection differently, he followed Wukong around, let Wukong do whatever he wanted, he warned Wukong of the danger facing the Emperor means (and later on in S5 makes sacrifices for Wukong)

And this is also very familiar to me. Happens a lot more than i'd like, where people ask my help/opinion then they frankly ignore it.

Macaque showed his care, which was ignored for reasons, but to Macaque it comes off as rejection. "Here i am, warning you, trying to keep you safe, and off you go ignoring what i say and look what happened..."

Not to say he was not at fault, Macaque- no matter how ancient in years he is/was -behaved rather juvenile. It's easy for me as an adult to see where he comes from and where he failed, when me as a kid already made the same ass mistakes he is doing here. He shouldn't have just let Wukong do whatever he wants. But then that alone went againts their wish. "Hanging out, eating fruit, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT"

I never talked about the wish in this way, because from Wukong's perspective: it's an innocent one. Not so much from Macaque's point of view, because while Wukong's thought process was to get rid of every threat and then you are free to do whatever you want without consequences, Macaque knew that consequences come first.

It's childish to think you can just do whatever you want, and it takes maturity to know that that's far from reality. No matter who you are, your actions have consequences, and sooner or later you'll have to answer to someone.

Since Macaque knew this, it would have been, SHOULD HAVE BEEN his responsibility to make Wukong see reason. He didn't, and THAT had it's consequences too. Macaque may be more mature than Wukong, but he too is juvenile.

Here comes another mental gymnastics: Imagine a friendgroup, where you have the extroverted leader type friend, who's impulsive, hyperactive, has this unstoppable "let's do this" attitude, and then there's you who is more mature, and maybe know more, but as a quiet introverted person dare not speak up, even if you know better. Either because you feel insecure in the friendship, or because you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings. It's childish fear, that can be mistaken for cowardice. (Don't worry, Macaque is not a coward, but he does have his fears)

Now, while this is mainly the past and here and there Macaque has gotten better, i do believe he still does not realise that in the grand picture this whole show paints, he is one of the center pieces. (Which is weird when you are not a main character) I wouldn't even call Macaque a support character because while he isn't in the focus, the show itself always reminds you that he is there near the focus. He is a Chekhov's Gun character.

After season 4 chronologically comes season 3 (in this case) and the only thing i'd mention about season 3 is Macaque's high level of independence. He did everything alone without consulting or trusting anyone. He still knew he had to outplay the Lady Bone Demon, which might i add he did successfully but was that the right thing to do? From his perspective yes. From outside perspective no, but that's because we are the audience, we know more than they do. Macaque had one chance and he did not trust anyone but himself with it, and i can't fault him for it. I would have done the same, in fact i HAVE done the same (obviously in my case it was not my life at the line but i still catch myself taking up burdens where i can't accept failure because i don't trust others not to mess up) Macaque just couldn't afford to not have controll, but this is something that @nekohime19 explains perfectly in the Macaque study posts.

In part 2 of the Wukong post i mentioned that Macaque's "your old companions are back" comment is a quiet jab, but i may have been unclear that it was WUKONG who took it as a jab (which is why we got a close up of his fist)

Macaque didn't mean to jab at Wukong's wound(of a friend that has gone MIA ) because that wasn't what Macaque was thinking about at that moment. He didn't include himself in that statement because he himself knows how he is back (by LBD, which is either true or not, we don't know yet), but they don't know how or why the pilgrims are back. Their return *is* a mystery that Wukong was ignoring simply because he is happy to have them back and i'd say fears to question.

See how easy it is to have a conversation and talk past each other?

Miscommunication again.

Macaque obviously cares that Wukong is upset

It is why he backed off. His thought process is something akin to:

"Wukong looks sad, that is not what i came here to do, he must have misunderstood something, i'll just rephrase it then."

so he turns around and tries again "Look, there is someone who's pulling all of our strings."

This is the same situation as the Jade Emperor one, it's just this time Macaque knows not to back down untill Wukong understands just how heavy the situation they are in is.

Sure, Wukong doesn't want to push the conversation with MK, but didn't that mistake cost Macaque their friendship back then? Wukong can't afford to not talk with MK. While Wukong is scared how MK will react, if Wukong does not talk with MK then idk... he might figure out that he was made to be a sacrifice at the wrong time and try to kill himself not knowing that's the last thing any of them want and is not an acceptable battle plan and not everything has to be his burden.

Next proof of Macaque not thinking himself important is episode 2 when he sacrifices himself.

Here he is goal oriented, whatever the cost, MK and Wukong has to get away otherwise the world ends. What happens to him doesn't matter. (I'm sure you guys feel the dejavu as well.)

And obviously he didn't see that MK nor Wukong were specifically happy about that:

Next is when the gang gets trapped in the pagoda as well.

Obviously how could he have known that Wukong was agonizing over him, but still he does know many of the messed up things Wukong could have seen and it never occurs to him that Wukong possibly saw a memory of him.

Once again, i don't think it was because of anything malicious, it's just him being goal oriented. "My sacrifice was wasted Wukong..."

Another case of being uncomfortable with affection:

Something he did not expect nor is he any comfortable with:

But you know... he let's it happen.

Macaque after reuniting with the gang continues showing affection through looking out for them. He gets the eyes off of people, he is racing after MK constantly to maybe help in some way, and obviously when MK is about to end his life he goes "nah ah"

Macaque again showing he cares with talk and action rather than physical affection. "You don't always have to be the hero. It doesn't always need to be you!" Which is what ends up being the correct answer, even if they didn't know it yet. In this scene he was meaning more along the lines of "You don't always have to bear the world ending burdens!" it's Macaque looking out for MK's well being, both physical in the first picture stopping him from sacrificing himself and emotional in second picture, trying to take weight off of him. Had Nine not appeared he might as well have won MK over, we will never know.

In the next one he is looking out for Wukong's emotional well being. MK just left, Wukong is distressed, Macaque sees it:

So, back to "whatever it takes" mentality, he takes the last of his power and frees Wukong, and is why he is pissed when Wukong shows care for him.

"I JUST used up all i have to free you and instead of going after MK- !AS YOU JUST SO OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO! -here you are wasting time asking if i'm ok??!" Wukong poor soul keeps rejecting Macaque's shows of affection :'D

Macaque knows he is now as good as dead if Nine decides to retaliate againts him, and accepted that fact beforehand ("Here goes nothing, make it count.")

He does not care, the goal was to give a chance for Wukong to stop MK and Wukong is wasting it! Proving to me again that Macaque does not know that he is important to Wukong again(or still). But i also understand because i would have done the same, in that moment Macaque is not important, who TF cares what happens to Macaque?? MK is the one that's about to die!! Priorities people!!!

To me- who is already at the end of the grueling road of getting over emotional neglect- it's kind of funny to see Wukong thought so highly of Macaque in the flashbacks and Macaque is over there missing all of that. It just flies right by him x'D

And well, while Macaque is getting better at it, he still doesn't think himself important :') Which would explain why while he was angry at being killed, he still seems to be forgiving Wukong and yet keeping him at a distance.

My guy over here knowing he messed up (too) and yet not knowing what caused him to :T

Macaque was an enabler, but only because he was juvenile.

Macaque didn't think Wukong cared for him, but only because whatever his past before Wukong, he was most probably emotionally neglected (possibly all alone).

But well... this is far less objective than the 2 parter Wukong post. The thing is, i see far too much of myself in Macaque and is why i have a hard time being objective with him.

I do believe he was all alone, which is emotional neglect but no one's fault. But i also do realise i can be completely wrong about this ^^;

i guess we will see?

[acacia-may]

For that new ask game, can I ask 2, 4, 7, 14, 18, 19 and 27 for Nozel? Sorry if it's too many numbers.

Hi Anon! No worries at all. I'm happy to answer any and all questions about Nozel. Thank you so much for playing my game and for the ask! 🥰

Questions from this Character Ask Game

Answers & Headcanons Below the Cut [because this post got a bit lengthy]

(Warnings: Contains Spoilers for and through the Spade Arc)

2. When I think I truly started to like them (or dislike them, if you've sent me a character I don't like)

I think my perception of Nozel really began to change in the Elf Arc during the battle at Silva Castle. We learned so much about Nozel's deeper motivations and saw that he did actually care for Noelle and wanted to protect her (he just went about it in the absolute worst way possible), and he does admit he was wrong about Noelle and her abilities and actually apologizes to her there which helped paint him in a more sympathetic light to me.

All that said, I think it was really in the Spade Arc when we learn even more about why Nozel acted the way he did--that on a certain level he was really almost forced into this more antagonistic role because he literally couldn't explain that Noelle wasn't responsible for Acier's death due to the curse. Suddenly, in my mind, I have this incredibly vivid and heartbreaking mental of Young Nozel a literal child forced to carry the weight of the world alone. Not only has he lost his mother but he has also been quite literally cursed with such a heavy burden. The pain and the loneliness of that has to be unbearable for even an adult, but Nozel was only a teenager. And I think when looking at the situation from that kind of perspective, it's easy to have a lot more sympathy for him. Yes, he didn't handle the situation as well as he could have especially with Noelle, but I just started thinking to myself: would I have been able to do much better under those circumstances at only 14 years old? Would anyone, honestly? And that isn't to excuse away what he did, especially when he got older, but it does make him more sympathetic to me and I feel genuinely bad for how much he suffered and wish him good things and a reconciliation with his sister going forward.

4. How many people I ship them with

This is a very difficult question for me to answer, honestly, because I am much more invested in Nozel rebuilding his relationship with his sister, Noelle, than in any potential romantic relationship he could have. My personal view of shipping in general is as more of an actively wishing or wanting certain characters to get together with other characters, and in this particular case I'm not sure I am actively wishing for Nozel to end up with anyone in particular. There are certainly a handful of ships I like or would be okay with for him (Nozel x Dorothy and Nozel x Vanessa come to mind off the top of my head, and I also like several Nozel x OC ships created by some talented writers and artists in the fandom). Ultimately, however, I think in my mind, Nozel just has so much internal turmoil and a lot of things he personally needs to work through before I can see him really getting into a relationship with anyone (and, honestly, on some level, before I can see him even wanting to get into a relationship--but that's just my personal interpretation) so I really think I am actively wishing for him to take time to heal and to work on himself more than I am actively wishing for him to find love, if that makes sense?

If I had to put a number on it...um...I guess, since I'm not really set on any particular ship for Nozel, I'd honestly say the possibilities are kind of endless. I'd really like to see him marry for love someday, but my more practical side thinks he has probably already been betrothed to somebody and he's not really the type who'd break that kind of commitment even if he wanted to. But who knows?

7. A quote of them that you remember

I remember just my jaw dropping in this moment. (I watched the anime first, but it was also an important moment in the manga). It was such a big thing for Noelle to have her brother finally show he believed in her and suggest they fight together side-by-side. Another that comes to mind is his entire little speech at the end of the battle where he reveals to Noelle his reasons for treating her coldly were that he was trying to deter her from joining the Magic Knights and he admits that he was wrong about her and that he's sorry. It was the first step in repairing their broken sibling relationship, and though they still have a lot of work to do to see Nozel actually admit he was in the wrong and apologize for that was a big step in the right direction.

14. Best storyline they had

As of writing this, Nozel's arc in Spade and his battle versus Megicula, but we'll see if this changes with whatever Tabata has in store for him in the final arc.

18. How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc)

Nozel was always an old soul--wise beyond his years, quiet, serious, and responsible. He worked hard and studied conscientiously, and he very rarely got into trouble. If anything was a bit of a stick in the mud when it came to more imaginative, raucous, and childish games, and I imagine Acier often had to encourage him to stop working so hard and have fun every once and a while so he'd remember to actually be a kid while he was still young.

19. The most random ship you've seen people have with them

To start with a disclaimer: I actually like this ship, but I think I'd have to admit that Nozel x Vanessa is pretty random to me seeing as they haven't ever really interacted in the canon and I honestly would have never thought of it as a pairing if I hadn't seen it in the fandom. I think imagining the potential of it and what it could be like is part of the fun of that particular ship, but I'd classify it as random even if I feel positively about it.

27. If they could meet a character from another show/movie/etc, who would be the most fun for them to meet?

So for a very silly answer, I'm going to say Rui from Demon Slayer just because my sister and I have this running inside joke that he's basically a Nozessa love child since he has this thick, angular silvery-white hair like Nozel and a thread-based magical ability (blood demon art) similar to Vanessa's magic (Rui also has an attack called "Murderous Eye Basket" that looks very similar to Nozel's "Silver Star of Execution"). He is a villain though, so I guess you'd have to ignore that... 😅😂 Still I could see Rui wanting to adopt Nozel into his "Spider Family" and Nozel just having no patience for these kinds of shenanigans which could be a fun mashup. (I also wouldn't mind watching these two battle too, so either way, I think it might be an interesting meeting).

[eggxdragoon]

I hope to stop talking about my personal life and circumstances to anyone now because the only times I have, people claim to understand and support me through it but then instantly switch and rudely use it against me as if they want to blame me and say it's my fault, as a way to insult me the second they start to hate me for other reasons

anyone who blames me for being stuck in life at the moment and finding it hard to progress in any of the ways one is expected at my age, despite knowing the reasons are fucking scum. especially when they rub it in my face like I'm just some lazy horrible stubborn piece of shit despite the mental and physical agony I'm in on a daily basis

I had years of my childhood stolen by all the horrible traumatic and depressing shit I went through that I don't even speak of and also forced isolation throughout all teen years so I never knew what it was like to be social. I'm still a stranger to the world who hasn't talked to anyone outside family in years because it's so hard and scary to even fathom now

I have anxiety that can be debilitating because the reason I was successfully lured into forced isolation is when it was initially taken advantage of by an abuser saying "see everyone hurts you and is dangerous and out to get you and are your enemy, people suck and it'd be better to live far away from all human life" and I was manipulated into believing it was true for years and when I tried to break out of that mindset I was still trapped physically because they had me trapped

I'm sick of people just being like stfu idiot and get meds and go into therapy in a condescending way even when they know this. it's so insensitive and rude and I don't care if their intentions are to help. motivation and support is going to be better than "it's all your fault you're a fucking idiot go take meds and therapy and become someone I like better and is accepted by society" those are reasons my brain tells me I deserve to suffer already, it's encouraging me to stay in it

I can't take meds for all that because the amount my mom has to be medicated and how she still uses drugs and alcohol to cope on top, how she still treated me despite that, and all the side affects that would massively fuck up my life even more as someone who already has low empathy, bouts of intense numbness where I'm especially suicidal, and how the last thing I need is for that to improve and for my dick to stop working on top of that has made it not for me, I have to find other ways

and therapy is a lot and something that's taking a lot of effort to even consider let alone push myself into it, going from someone who hasn't talked to anyone outside family for years to talking to a stranger about darkest thoughts and memories and secrets would be scary. either way I don't feel I'll ever be able to properly talk about my worst problems anyway because the things I'd have to share would be incriminating for abusers so it could be genuinely fucking dangerous and I'm scared

and then there's the way I'm so depressed it kills me and it's like I've I inherited my mom's major depression but again I can't be medicated for it. and I have to act used to it and joke about it a lot to family but the physical fatigue and chronic pain I feel is really fucking agonizing. I can't remember what it's like to not be tired and aching and sore. I can't remember what it's like to sleep normally. I wish just getting out of bed wasn't such a challenge for me mentally and physically

so fuck you for saying they're just excuses and that I'm just rejecting the idea of getting better. I CAN'T right now because the abusive fucking assholes made sure of that. I can't be a normal functioning adult because I didn't even get to be a fucking kid. not that I'm going to let the abusers win but just staying alive as long as I'm stuck in this will always be enough of a challenge as is. I'm fighting so fucking hard and nobody will understand or appreciate that effort when all I want to do most of the time is die

and this is the tip of the fucking iceberg because all the disgusting and fucked up things that happened to me that I can't talk about causes enough deep mental anguish that I can't even bear to uncover and consider taking with me to the grave. and then comes my living situation and all the tragedy in my life. but even when people know all this, as soon as they hate me I'm apparently just a liar. apparently I'm just a suicide threatener and manipulator. apparently my pain isn't real. I fucking wish it wasn't. fuck you

I've been given every reason to start repressing myself and my feelings around others again. I'm spiralling back into those thoughts of "everyone hates you and wants to hurt you" like I was taught. everyone who yelled at me about needing therapy and blaming me for not being able to and all the reasons I need it made it even harder and set me back in it. thanks a lot assholes it was already fucking hard enough as it is and you just make me reflect on it even harder when you push the idea that I'm not even trying and haven't made any progress at all

I'm sick of being so angry and miserable and in pain everyday.

[a-gal-with-taste]

Heh heh lol, I'm tired and had a hilarious thought so I figured I'd make a short request, yknow when people accidentally say Love you to their coworkers because absent-minded/tired imagine doing that to Silco lol ☆

My literal worst nightmare IRL, but as a torment for a reader? Hehehe...

"Do you understand?" "Yes." Your fingers twitched as you blinked slowly, resisting the urge to reach up and rub the tension from between your brows. There was truly nothing so despicable, as draining, about running on low-sleep and a developing headache. "Redirect the transport line at the third check-point, keep eyes peeled for Firelight, and don't die. Anything else?"

The lighter flicked, but the man at the desk did not lift it to cast flame. Allowing it to go out, Silco reached up and plucked the fresh new cigar from his teeth with a look of indifference, but you could see the way his brow twitched when his smoke was delayed. His eye flicked back to you, the one still fully intact becoming hooded as he glanced you over.

"How old are you again?"

This time you actually closed your eyes, but mentally shook yourself before you could linger in the peaceful darkness. Or it would be, if not for the throbbing behind your eyes, that made numbers too painful to think about, so you only muttered out, "Old enough, sir."

"Old enough? I trust that translates to you no longer requiring a bedtime to function like an adult." His tone, normally rich in underlining meaning, is flat enough for you to detect the unimpressed nature he has in observing you try to cover your third yawn of this debriefing. "Pull yourself together. Wake up, and try not to nap on the way over to the deposit-point. This is a mission I am trusting you with, not something you can simply to doze through. Are we clear?"

The sneer on his words makes the headache grow, and you manage a nod. You're not surprised he's shorter with you than normal - you've almost gotten used to how hot and cold Silco could be with you.

Oftentimes being that very intense, ominous Eye of Zaun that most would expect the king of Zaun to be. Cool, drawing tones with a gaze that merely glanced over you. Either in indifference or, as you've been seeing more and more of, in a calculating way that informed you he was debating his uses of you. Considering the fact that it's Silco, you would normally imagine those uses to be temporary, and eventually result in being cast aside like any other tool at his disposal.

It's those times when he's nearly the exact opposite of his colder front, that only further bewilders you as what his motives could be.

Sudden, but not spiteful orders for you to take a day off. Coffee, steaming and at ready upon your arrival to full-team briefings, that Sevika never reveals who sent it. More than a couple of private chats in his office, going over the finer details of a recent mission or job at his command. The first time he had asked 'are you feeling alright,' it had indeed seemed like he was speaking in the voice of Silco, king of Zaun who would crush anyone in order to tear Piltover down.

When he asked the question now, despite his short-tone with you, there in a hint of something almost genuine in his voice. You should be left reeling, from the idea that this puppet-master of the Undercity's crime would show even an ounce of care for you, but your headache was already doing a good enough job of leaving you spiraling.

So you were only able to nod, managing something that could technically be counted as a smile.

"Yes, Silco. Just... one of those days, sir. It won't interfere with your shipment sir, I'll get it done."

Your assurance made that brow narrow lower, and finally, a spark hit the end of the fresh-cut cigar. The smell of smoke neither hindered nor helped stop that pounding behind your eyes, but it did ground your senses as Silco glanced down at the papers on his desk. Still holding a slight, pinched look of frustration as he turned slightly, blowing out the lungful but keeping his eye fixed at his desk.

"... I can't delay this, you understand. I have Sevika dealing with the western boroughs this week, with Jinx shadowing her." Ah - that explained his tension. You wondered how many missives, filled with thinly-veiled, or colorfully-explicit complaints about the other have already returned to his desk. "With both of them gone, you're one of the few I can have... faith in, to do this job."

He said faith like he means trust. Which was obviously a ridiculous notion, but you felt something other than the ache in your skull when he said it; warmth.

"And I will do it right sir," You vowed, and his mixed-gaze flicked up to you, smoke coiling off his lips. After a beat, Silco nodded, bringing his smoke back to his lips as he leaned back, and turned his chair, facing the window. "Take tomorrow off when it's done. Day after that too, if need be. I have more use for someone awake than halfway to sleep."

"Oh... sir, that really isn't necessary-"

"That wasn't a request." Silco wasn't cold persay at the order, but you suppressed a sigh at his unforgiving tone. It couldn't be refused. "Right... well, thank you, sir." You said, a bit reluctantly but honestly a bit grateful. It must've showed, for it took a moment for smoke to reappear in the air in front of the green-glass and iron window.

His dismissal came shortly after, almost quietly, and you smiled as you turned and started moving towards the door. "Right. Thanks sir, have a good night, love you-"

The relaxed exhale of spiced-smoke was cut short by a small sputter, progressing rather quickly into a cough.

Damage-control came as soon as you realized the pattern of vowels your mouth was making, suddenly wide-awake. You tried to make it come out quietly, the moment the second syllable left your lips. Unfortunately, the rest of the sentence continued on it's path and by the time you hit '-u,' you could see that swivel-chair already beginning it's sharp turn back to face the rest of the office. More importantly, to face you.

Sleep was apparently no longer needed, as your hand all but snapped the doorknob off in the haste to open, and the door snapped shut behind you before Silco could manage to bark out the order for you to wait.

You heard the call through the door though, and managed not to stumble down the stairs as you took steps two, three at a time.

With your shoes hitting the bottom, you stilled for a minute, than couldn't help it; the laugh that slipped out of you.

Perhaps it was the lack of sleep that made it so humorous, but there was no storming feet. No demands that you return to the office immediately, and you strode out The Last Drop with the only consequence of telling your employer 'love you,' was your own burning face.

A slip of the tongue, nothing more. Something that was more than slightly humiliating, but you could be professional about this, and among deadly, cunning and spitefully witful, one of Silco's other dominating traits was also having a clear sense of professionalism.

With that in mind, you were surprisingly thankful for the embarrassment. You knew without a doubt that you were entirely awake now, and this showed in your actions. The transport safely redirected, not even an ounce of activity on the trail. You felt that headache subside long enough for you to ensure that yes, all vials were accounted for and distributed to the second-hand marketer without a single issue. Payment exchanged, a goodnight *strictly* kept to a single sentence, and you were done.

It was a good night. That didn't mean you had to go off to celebrate it as normal people would, and celebrated your own way, by returning to your dwellings, grabbing the nearest pillow and already out by the time your head hit the bed. And you were blissfully asleep for the entirety of the night, and halfway to forgetting the incident, just as you imagined Silco would be.

That's what you believed last night.

Now, however, mouth slightly agap and hair still shrewn from your night of rest, you weren't really quite sure what to believe when you opened the front-door.

The sight of Silco, an extra coffee in his hand, on your front porch. Clearing waiting, and though nonchalant, you saw a slight bite of his gloved nails digging into fine-leather as his fist clutched around his cup.

As you managed to remember to speak, and slowly offer the invitation for your boss to come in, you wondered how sleep-deprived you had actually been last night, to ever believe that Silco would just forget.

-

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[g-gurokisses]

Here’s a confession if that’s okay,

I use yanderecore/darlingcore/any yandere related as a form to cope. Though, I feel scared to admit this to friends cause they’re extremely anti-yandere.

I get extremely obsessive thoughts over people I care about (romantic, platonic, really anything) but I don’t like to act upon them. Consuming yandere related media (whether it be the mc being a yandere or their love interest) helps me a lot to subside those feelings and calm down. Being able to express myself through my feelings of loneliness and obsessive thoughts through yandere stuff has honestly helped me way more than just not doing anything.

I cannot count how many times I’ve gone into severe episodes and hurting myself over these problems, over loving someone so much that I cannot live without them.

I want to be able to confide to my friends without them thinking I’m insane. We always talk and vent to each other about our mental health and problems, but I feel as though I’m giving myself a death sentence if I even hint this stuff around them.

Do you have any idea for what I can do?

(I’m sorry, this was rather ramble-y, wasn’t it?)

Thank you for sharing this with me!! And I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply!!

So it seems you're in a pretty bad situation with your health and your friends! Frankly I can't say your friends are bad friends just because they don't support coping mechanisms as extreme as these, but it does surprise me that they'd possibly see you differently or even judge you if you revealed your feelings to them.

Frankly the best thing I suggest to you is that, if you really feel you must speak with someone, is to maybe talk to a therapist ot counselor. Maybe they're not even that big of and issue, but you'll be surprised how much it helps!! My therapist is an absolute life saver.

If not, you could always find like minded people online and try speaking with them!! I know it might seem scary to put yourself in such vulnerable situations with strangers, but you'll be surprised! If you're an adult and you can gauge when people are being genuine or not, then it's always a good option!!

But of course, you may always confide in me, not only because I love you, but also because outside of this blog, I'm a real person who struggles with similar things. I understand how you feel and I'd love to be able to be a helping friend to anyone who might have negative thoughts or urges when they feel such string emotions like this! So please don't hesitate to reach out, dear.

[insomniacowl]

Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

[ichayalovesyou]

Hey so from your blog I understand you are neurodivergent? Correct me if I'm wrong. If you are, sometimes I wonder if I have Asperger's Syndrome. When I look back on my childhood there are some questionable aspects that I got over, I think, but with a lot of effort. For example I used to watch the same movie over and over again till I had big chunks of it memorized and I played it in my head when I went to sleep? And I was obsessed with puzzles, I did and redid them many times. And lots of repetitive things. Also I don't know if I was just being sensitive or something, but I always cried at the tiniest disapproval of adults.

I'm sorry if this comes off as stereotypical, but those are things my peers found weird and not actually "normal" and it was pretty hard for me to get over them.

Lol I don't even know where this is going, I guess I'd like to see some insights from a neurodivergent person, because I've never had the chance to interact with one. How did you figure out you were neurodivergent? Can a person on the autism spectrum learn to communicate effectively with other people on their own? (because I think I can do that, but it's not always a pleasure haha).

Feel free not to respond to this, I don't want to bother, but you seem..... Approachable😂. I'm not one of those people who self-diagnose through an internet quiz and try to make themselves appear special....You know the ones. I'm genuinely curious haha. I'm probably fine, it would still be interesting to see your response. Thanks.

I’m going to be perfectly real with you

I do not have an official diagnosis for anything aside from “generalized anxiety” but I only got the chance (until very recently) to get therapy for a year.

But I do feel like there’s a difference between wanting to feel “special” and going into self-diagnosis territory half-cocked. And looking at your life, tallying up the evidence, making an educated guess, and then making an effort on finding out whether or not you’re guess is correct from a professional.

For instance, in my case (I’m about to get into “tragic” backstory stuff just to give a clear picture):

I come from an emotionally abusive situation in which, even when I had teachers, pediatricians or other moms suggest I (at the very least) had ADHD my mother got offended, denied it and insisted I was fine. In fact, the only way in which she has treated my as any sort of neurodivergent is the “generalized anxiety” diagnosis I got from the six months of therapy I got 7 years ago. Even then she uses it as a tool to invalidate my feelings. She never considered it may be a symptom rather than a source until my baby brother got diagnosed with autism.

My family has a loooooong history of autism/adhd and other mental illnesses, all of my siblings and cousins above the age of 3 have one or both, I also wouldn’t be surprised if my father has autism and my mother has ADHD even if they went undiagnosed from the same stigma that kept my mother from getting me help (and only getting my younger sibling help when essentially forced by the school system.)

It was only really when my brother exhibited behaviors and got an autism diagnosis (and my mother and I started reading up on the topic) that I realized just how many of my behaviors were associated with textbook autism. I looked at my baby brother and I saw myself, the biggest difference between us is that I was hyper verbal (talking a bit before 18 months) and he was totally nonverbal until he was almost three (both of which, are symptoms of autism) that I really considered the possibility. Even my mother suggested I may be right, better late then never I guess.

I exhibit many of the exact behaviors you describe that are associated with both adhd and autism, I lined up toys, I drew the same picture on one sheet over and over. I take comfort in compulsively watching movies and shows over and over, I (for lack of a better words) stim sing and use movie quotes and references as eccholalia as stress relievers (especially in new social situations). I cried at the drop of a hat, when I was angry I’d repeatedly hurt myself by banging my head and arms against the myself or walls. I also do the “happy flappy arms” when I’m excited or nervous, I have a special interest in writing and making music (I have a hard time thinking about pretty much anything else). I had lots of trouble socially until about high school and none of my friends are neurotypical (or straight lol). So, I think it’s safe to say that I am either on the spectrum, have ADHD (which exhibits a lot of similar symptoms).

When I found this out, I started treating myself like I had these things instead of beating myself up for being “weird” and my mental health improved significantly. Mind you, it’s still not great because I am not (yet) in therapy and live in an overcrowded, emotionally abusive household, but I am making concerted efforts to remedy both. I’ve got my first therapy session in almost a decade arranged for next week and plan on moving in with another, less crowded, less abusive parent.

The best thing I can suggest is, read up on what you think you may have, look at the symptoms, compare them to you’re own, write it down, write how you feel about it. But more importantly read other people’s experiences with autism and ADHD, while medical professionals can help you get access to diagnosis and (if you need it) medication, sometimes the personal aspects get lost in the machine. At the same time of course be careful who you listen to, there are a lot of organizations and people out there who want to “help” by trying to force us to act “normal”, acting neurotypical does NOT equal living to enjoying your life to its fullest potential. On the flipside there of course people out there with and without diagnosis that will promote unhealthy thinking patterns and coping mechanisms, you’ve got to think critically and decide what is best for you.

Not all of us can get therapy, not all of us will get diagnosed even if we do, especially if you’re AFAB and have autism, or if you’re “well behaved” (ie pass as neurotypical) we slip through the cracks all the time. Try to get therapy anyway, a diagnosis can be really helpful (but in the case of autism it can also be detrimental because of the sheer amount of ableism around it, again, read other people’s experiences).

It’s okay to act on the idea that something is wrong, you know when something isn’t right with you, not even your parents can define that for you (I learned that the hard way). As long as you don’t wallow in it, operating under the assumption you have autism and/or adhd, using the tried and true coping mechanisms, being gentle with yourself, can be very, very helpful.

Hope this helped <3 💚🖖🏻💚

[bisluthq]

I'm Black & Asian (South), and speaking ONLY for myself here and for no one else, I have forgiven Camila for those Tumblr reblogs.

While age doesn't excuse ignorant behavior, and the adults around kids absolutely have a responsibility to teach them that any kind of discriminatory jokes or language is NOT okay at all, it does make a difference to me that she was 14 when she reblogged those racist "jokes".

If she'd been like 17 or 18, I would have been like... Nah, fuck that.

And if the stuff had been recent, then I would basically hate her. But it was from 2011-2012 which was almost an entire decade ago now.

I was actually kinda pissed at her for like a whole year though. I didn't really know much about her back then, but I just heard about that, and so I was just like, "Ugh, I don't like her." And like I had this real distaste for her.

But I have forgiven her now. For me, another thing that made me forgive her was when I found out that some of the claims that people were spreading around online weren't actually true.

Like I'd been told that she'd had an "entire blog dedicated to racism" because that's what some people on Stan Twitter were saying, and so I was like, "Fucking yikes 😬"

But then I found out recently that it was actually a regular personal/fan blog that she'd had from ages 13 to early 15 and that it was mostly just made up of regular content and that there'd been about 8 racist "jokes" reblogged in total during that time.

And again, that still doesn't excuse it, and I still think that 14 year old Camila was an ignorant idiot and somebody that I absolutely would NOT have vibed with at all. But if the "entire blog dedicated to racism" claim had turned out to be true, I would never have forgiven her tbh. Even if she was 14.

But when I found out that that claim wasn't true, it did affect my opinion a lot. Because to me, reblogging 8 racist "jokes" (and I'm saying "jokes" in quotes because I don't think that racist jokes should be considered humor at all because they're really not funny at all and are just stupid and annoying) is very different to me than running an entire racist blog which is what some stans had been saying.

I'd say I'm like a casual fan of her now. Definitely not a stan (I'm not invested in her enough to stan her, and also, Shawmila kinda annoys me), but I do follow her on Instagram and listen to some of her music, and I know more about her than I did before.

I do think she's seemed to show a lot of growth and change over the last decade. And I've seen a lot of actual Black people that know her or that have met her in real life saying she's a kind person and that she's changed, so I'm taking their word for it too.

But again, only speaking for myself here. Out of my family: My dad likes some of her music (mainly Havana) and has forgiven her. My mum has forgiven her, but she hates her lmao (but not for the Tumblr stuff, just because she finds her annoying which is fair tbh 💀). Two of my sisters have forgiven her and are like very casual fans of her, but one of my sisters HATES her and always calls her racist, and that's fine imo. POC aren't a monolith. We have different opinions, and it's weird when white people expect us all to have the same opinions on things as if we're a hive mind or something.

My brother doesn't really care about her either way. Like he doesn't have an opinion at all.

And her new project, I do think the intentions behind it are mostly genuine considering that it's specifically focused on mental health support towards activists working for grassroots organisations that are led by and focused on POC, and Camila's been advocating for mental health for several years.

But even if it's not genuine, I don't really care tbh because this is something that's going to do ACTUAL good either way. Like when celebrities write their like social justice Instagram captions and stuff, I'm like, "...Okay, cool, this is fine and all, but please actually open your wallet 🤦‍♀️"

And so I'm glad that Camila's actually investing a lot of money into this project that will actually directly help people and do good, and I'm glad that she's been promoting these grassroots organisations on Instagram and handing her account over to them because really, who cares about what she has to say? I mean, she absolutely should have apologised, and I'm glad she did, but in the end, words are just words. So, I'm glad that she's actually putting in real effort and doing something that will actually effect real change in local communities.

So yeah, I've forgiven her, and I don't think she's racist. But again, that's just my opinion, and other POC (like my sister) are allowed to dislike her and be wary of her. And it annoys me when white stans act like we HAVE to forgive her because we don't. But I do think that she's a decent person personally, and I do like her for the most part.

I just really hope that she continues this project and keeps it going. If she drops it next year, I will be disappointed, and I'll probably stop being a fan tbh. She has to carry it on because it's important work, and she does kind of owe it to us since she wasn't exactly the best ally as a teenager :/

But yeah, I'm good with her now. I do find her personality a little bit too extra for my liking, but I don't think she's a bad person or anything, just slightly annoying sometimes. I don't like it when girls scream or like act over the top, but besides that, I think she's fine tbh.

This is really thoughtful thanks for sharing.

[repo-net]

I really enjoyed writing yesterday's Nagisa mini talk, so I thought I'd do another one of these while I'm still in the mood.

Today's Nagisa topic of the day: His relationship and underlying care for the other kids

One of the things that I think commonly describes Nagisa by the general fanbase is him being a "bad person whos done awful things but has an inside guilt and regret of those things"

While I definitely understand that point of view and think it's valid, let me make the case that he's more of a "good person who's done bad things who has really deep guilt about all his wrongdoings"

Why do I think Nagisa's a good person? Simple, really. His deep care for the other Warriors of Hope and the amount of stuff he's done for them, and the things he hasn't done but they're things he's more than willing to do.

This is a topic I wish got talked about more, since Nagisa has really interesting relationships with the UDG cast, in particular the other Warriors of Hope, and of course Komaru & Toko. But we'll ignore the despair girls duo for now, I'll get to that in maybe another time.

On the surface to his allies, Nagisa's cold, blunt, and a smartass who's way too serious about everything, and one that doesn't care about the others but rather only for Monaca.

Inside his heart however, he's probably the most caring out of all the Warriors of Hope despite his cold exterior.

Out of all of the Warriors, he was the one most fixated on their goal: creating a safe place for kids. He wasn't a big fan of the killing adults thing, and the only reason he wouldn't try to stop it is because it's Monaca's game. I already explained how much Monaca meant to him in the last post and why he didn't have the willpower in him to defy Monaca. I won't really be talking about her this time around, but her and Nagisa's relationship and dynamic is extremely tragic and well-written, and I'm probably going to make a post about that soon too.

Now, enough filler. Let's talk about all the things Nagisa has done for all the Warriors of Hope, atleast in what UDG and the art books with his relationship charts have provided us with.

Let's start with Masaru. Masaru and Nagisa are complete polar opposites in terms of personality, but it's honestly impressive how many similarities the two actually have. Wanting to be a leader, a huge desire to protect the kids, and being a simp for Monaca. Well, I'm sure they're both over that now since the events of UDG, but they were both most definitely what the definition of a simp is, atleast.

Masaru and Nagisa really don't get along all that well. Masaru's red fire and Nagisa's blue water are complete 180s on each other, but as much as they seem to not get along, Nagisa is the one that has shown care and genuine worry for Masaru.

During Masaru's "funeral" in Chapter 2, Nagisa was the only one who refused to believe he was dead, because the report he received was that we went missing, not dead. The other Warriors were so wrapped around the idea that Masaru was dead, (due to Monaca's convincing of the idea) but not Nagisa. He, who was probably the one that argued with Masaru the most. He, who seemed to hate his guts on the surface. He was the one who wanted to look for Masaru.

Even after all his talk of annoying him with being their leader and a hero, he still wanted to look for him because he was still their friend and ally, no matter how many times they argued. Now those are the qualities of what you want out of your team's leader.

Of course, his effort was all in vain because Monaca talked him down, by convincing the other Warriors of Hope that he was acting like an adult, effectively turning them against him and making him retract any idea he had of searching for him. Poor boy.

Moving on to the next Warrior, let's go with Jataro. Jataro always hated himself, and that's what he always wanted the others to feel about him too. Hatred, disgust, malice, and just plain disliking of his whole existence, because that's how Jataro handles with his trauma.

Honestly? Quick praise to Jataro for being the only Warrior of Hope of using his trauma as a way of pleasure rather than getting hurt by it. And also fuck Jataro's mom, all my homies hate Jataro's mom. What the hell did she say to him that made him develop such a weird complex at such a young age? Good lord...

Anyways, back on topic. Jataro wanted all of the Warriors of Hope to hate him. The girls most definitely did, they're open about it. Masaru probably just dismisses his existence as a whole and couldn't care less.

There's an oddball out though, and it's Nagisa. Nagisa was, despite him definitely showing some annoyance with Jataro at times, he really was the only one who truly cared for Jataro and the only one who acknowledges his existence on a more positive note than the others.

As much as Jataro wants the others to hate him, Nagisa is mature and smart enough to understand that this is not an okay mentality to have, and discourages it. He's a change from the other Warriors of Hope (Monaca and Kotoko, especially) who bully him and just make the problem worse. Nagisa even told Jataro in one of the art books, I quote, "Shouldn't you only fight in the demon hunting game and not with yourself?". This was genuine advice and proof that Nagisa cares about Jataro.

Also, can we talk about this picture?

If you hadn't noticed by now, Jataro's clinging on to Nagisa's arm. I don't know what that really means, but at the very least we can get that Nagisa is seen as a comforting figure by Jataro.

not my cup of tea personally but no wonder why this is nagisa's most popular ship

Anyways, this post is getting way too lengthy already. I still have to talk about Kotoko and Monaca, which I think I'll do tomorrow, so look out for that. The Kotoko-Monaca-Nagisa trio is one of my favorite trio groups in the entire series, only getting beat by probably Makoto-Kyoko-Byakuya and maybe, just maybe Nagito-Hajime-Chiaki. But the trio of kids is definitely up there with them.

Anyways, let me know what you guys thought of this post, I had a lot of fun writing about it and I will definitely have even more fun tomorrow when I get to Nagisa's relationship with Kotoko and Monaca.

[drblood-bringer-of-death]

Yay! Another Tyrian x Watts fanfiction for Nuts and Volts week! Seriously I cant get enough of these guys! Anyway, hope everyone over at @nutsandvoltsweek enjoys it!

Waltzing into love

Warnings: literally just some mild cursing.

They hated it. Every single second of being stuck in the stuffy, crowded room full of pompous, rich assholes. Arthur glared at anyone unfortunate enough to make eye contact with him and he stayed as far away from the dance floor as possible. He hated parties as much as he hated people. He would much rather be back in the grimm lands, tinkering away at his inventions without a single interruption. But he was not the only one who hated being there. As grand and beautiful as Atlesian parties were, they had a very strict policy to them. No Faunus, No improper dress, and absolutely No exceptions. Tyrian, as sporadic and chaotic as the man was, unfortunately was the best fit to go with Arthur to this party. Salem decided that Hazel would be too intimidating, Emerald and Mercury were too young,  and Cinder would have stuck out like a sore thumb. So Tyrian was voluntold to attend as Arthur's date. He sulked even more than Arthur did. He might have even hated it more than the mustached man. Due to the strict policy, Tyrian had to wear what he considered "constrictive" clothing. And worst of all he couldn't even use his tail! Arthur had insisted he hide it, since it was against the rules. Tyrian fought him on it, to no avail as he knew Arthur was right. So the two brooded in their fancy clothing in a corner of the ballroom. They avoided everyone and if it wasn't for Arthur's accursed reputation he would have never even attended this godforsaken party. Maybe he could figure out some way to fake his death or even actually die just to avoid these parties.

"This is pointless!" Tyrian growled.

"It's not entirely pointless, but it's Incredibly dull." Arthur retorted, focusing all his attention on his scroll.

"Why did I have to come here?! I hate this! I feel like I'm restricting all my natural instincts!" Tyrian continued to complain as he pulled on the dark purple tie around his neck.

"Stop pulling at that you'll undo it! And you know why she chose you to come with me. And stop tugging on the tie!" Arthur said angrily as he turned towards Tyrian, who had managed to actually undo his tie. "How did you even? Ugh just let me fix it!" Arthur swatted away Tyrians hands and grabbed ahold of the tie. Fastening it once again.

"Ahem, am I interrupting anything?" The unwanted and annoying voice of Jaques Schnee broke through Arthurs grumbling. His brow twitched in annoyance and he sighed before facing the unbearable aristocrat.

"Why Jaques, what a pleasure to see you again." Arthur lied through his teeth.

"A pleasure as well. Who, may I ask, are you?" He directed the question towards Tyrian who stiffened as a response.

"Uh, Tyrian Callows, associate of Watts here." He shook the older man's hand in forced politeness.

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Callows. I had no idea Arthur was into such… interesting company." His tone of voice and the way he glanced at Arthur smugly,  clearly portrayed that he suspected something else. "why I'd even say you might be planning something… more forbidding." Tyrian pailed, could he really figure them out that easily? He looked at Arthur and they shared a panicked look.

"Jaques if you're suggesting-" Arthur started to accuse him but Jaques cut him off.

"Oh come now Arthur, you know i wouldn't care if you were gay, it's quite common nowadays, and I've been suspecting it for a while anyway-" Watts and Tyrians faces went bright red. "I was simply baffled that you managed to find someone to deal with your arrogance." He finished.

"I-my arrogance- excuse me?!" Arthur said offhandedly. Jaques only laughed at him.

"Relax, you know that the General himself is gay right? Really it doesn't matter here, why not show some affection! Have a dance or two! There's nothing to hide." And before Arthur, pr even Tyrian for that matter, could stutter out a response Jaques turned on his heels and walked away smirking.

"Does he think-? I mean really?" Tyrian asked before bursting into uncontrollable laughter. His entire body shook with each inhale of breath. As he laughed and laughed Arthur's face grew more and more red, out of both embarrassment and anger.

"You shut up!" He snapped at Tyrian. Whose laughter seemed never ending. Making Arthurs anger grow.

"Re- hehehe- relax Arthur. Haha, as far as we know, this could be an advantage." Tyrian offered through dying giggles.

"What do you mean?" Arthurs anger sizzled but he stopped feeling the innate need to punch the Faunus. Tyrian wiped a tear from his eye.

"Well think about it. You could gain some massive publicity points if you came out as gay, and if we did it here it would be massively successful. All we have to do is dance a little bit and maybe hold hands. People will come to the conclusion on their own and it'll be all over the news tomorrow. "Infamous inventor Arthur Watts supporting his community through love!" Can you imagine that?" Arthur paused.

Unhinged, deranged, murderous, insane… and intelligent. Those are the words Arthur would use to describe Tyrian right now. As unpredictable as the man is, he could read people and play off them better than even Salem herself.

"That… could work." Arthur poundered. The plan was foolproof, and even if it went wrong then it would cause protests in the communities drawing grimm in. "Yes. It would work quite well." Arthur hummed to himself and Tyrian smirked.

"Well then let's get to it and put on a show!" He cheered in a manic giggle as he pulled Arthur away from their protective corner and into the center of the dancefloor. Arthur huffed behind him, not expecting the pull. Although he should really expect everything from Tyrian.

"I told you to relax already Arthur! All we need to do is dance a bit and act all coupley." Tyrian smirked again and Arthur got some sort of primal feeling in his gut to run. As if something far more sinister than even they had planned was happening. But he ignored it, it was not the first, or last, time he would have that feeling while with the scorpion.

"It's Impossible to relax with you" he retorted harshly, shifting himself and Tyrian into a waltzing position. Slowly the music ran through the room and the many people around them began to move to the three step beat.

"Your words wound me Arthur," Tyrian mocked. "I'm the most relaxing person I know! Well besides Hazel." He held back a giggle.

"Your a caffeinated maniac trapped inside a padded room. I absolutely do not find you relaxing!" Arthur all but growled.

"A bit touchy aren't you? Was it something that Mr. Schnee said that caught your nerves?" He smirked wildly at Arthur who tried his best to keep his composure. As he tried to calm his breathing Tyrians insane smile reached his eyes. "Oh my, your heart rate picked up! I must be onto something!" Arthur started to panic.

"You did not- wait you can sense my heart rate? No, nevermind that!" He attempted to gather his thoughts as he and Tyrian glided across the ballroom floor, sliding in time with everyone around them. If you weren't right next to the pair it would be like they were just enjoying themselves and not having a frantic argument.

"Poor Arthur Watts, not admitting that old Mr. Schnee was right! What an exciting evening this has become!" Tyrians giggles seemed to pour out of his mouth.

"Would you just shut up! I've already said that to you tonight, you psychopath! Now stop talking and lets finish this stupid dance!" Arthur was pissed off now, he couldn't stand looking at Tyrians pretty eyes or his handsome face any longer. So he decided to do something about it. As the song approached it's climax he brought Tyrian into a sudden spin, catching the scorpion off guard. As he pulled Tyrian back into him, he made up his mind. Placing one foot behind Tyrians and throwing his center of balance off, he dipped the younger man. He heard people around them gasp, some of them seemed shocked, but through all the noise he heard two distinct things. One: Jaques Schnee saying " I called it!", and two, Tyrian Callows' sharp inhale of breath. He pulled them back up. Releasing Tyrians lips as he did, and then he turned and walked out of the room.

Tyrian stumbled, that was not expected at all. He knew Arthur was gay but he never dared to dream that Arthur liked him. He got over the shock, more delayed than he'd like, but nevertheless he rushed after Arthur and found the man pacing an empty hallway.

"Why did I do that? What was the logic of that? It was pointless, im pointless. For fucks sake we're both adults why couldn't I just talk to him!?" Arthur mutters to himself as he paced, not even noticing that Tyrian was right next to him. "Damnit, that was so stupid! Why is he so handsomely intimidating? What can't I just be normal-"

"Because you're Arthur Watts, inventor and doctor, smarter than anyone else i know and absolutely hopelessly in love with me" Tyrian interrupted, his voice caught Arthur off guard and he would never admit how much that genuinely scared him.

"Ty- Tyrian look, what I-" he was cut off as said man lunged at him suddenly, crowding his precious space.

"Just shut up and kiss me again" the scorpion demanded as he rolled his eyes and pulled Arthur into him. Their lips crashed together again, yet the feeling was different. Before Arthur could barely feel the kiss at all, but now he felt like sparks were flying down his spine and static was invading his mind. Arthur let himself fall mentally, his brilliant mind failing him when he needed it most, so he just let it happen. Let his body do the talking for once.

Tyrian on the other hand was practically shaking with joy, he had a crush on the doctor for a while now but he truly never believed Arthur would like him back, let alone make the first move! He could not be happier even if his own goddess showed up just then! He felt as if nothing could ruin this sweet moment of love. And he was right, not a soul came out of the party to find them and they were left alone in the hallway. As Tyrian let go of Arthur he smiled. Not a crazed, classic Tyrian smile, but a calm, genuine one. Arthur felt his heart skip more than one beat, and he was sure Tyrian felt it too. Soon enough Tyrians soft laughter bubbled out of his mouth.

"What's so funny?" Arthur asked, his usual scoff lightened just a touch.

"Well the fact that we literally waltzed into love." Arthur's eyes rolled.

"That was cheesy." He huffed as he set his head on Tyrians shoulder.

"No, parmesan is cheesy." Arthur sighed. The moment was ruined by the man who created it. And he could not help the small smile that was hidden by his mustache. Maybe tonight was worth the party.

[thejeksburyguy]

Warning: discussion of mental health and dark topics

I know I joke about my mental health and sleep deprivation on here. Alot. I reblog a lot of nihilistic humour and put 'lol same' or 'm e' in the tags. But in all honesty, my mental and physical health as of late is... not.. the best...

I haven't slept a full eight hours in weeks. I haven't slept for more than four hours in a few days now, and it just keeps getting worse. Recently I went four days in a row without sleeping at all, and I'm fairly certain I started hallucinating a bit before my body just hit the emergency brakes, and even then I only slept for two hours, maybe three. I might be starting to hallucinate again, actually, but I'm choosing to ignore that.

My depression has made a violent comeback, and my appetite is starting to go as well. If it weren't for someone very close to me (who I'm just going to refer to as Hyde from now on), I probably wouldn't be eating, but he pushes me to take care of myself and won't take 'I'm not hungry' for an answer. I haven't weighed myself (I'm actively avoiding looking or even touching a scale, I do NOT need to trigger my ED into waking up, I have enough on my plate (haha w o o p s) as it is), but I've probably started losing weight again.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide are returning. It's getting harder everyday to ignore them. I have so much work to do, from school, from my parents, I haven't even had holiday breaks off because one of my teachers keeps assigning work over the holidays. Everyday more work gets added to the pile, and I'm struggling to keep up, but reaching out for help is pointless; half of my teachers treat me like I'm a burden on their life, and the other half I don't want to bother because my own mental illnesses prevent me from seeking help.

It's one of those 'it feels easier to just swim down' situations. I just want to hit the bottom and breathe out and drown. It really doesn't help that my mother completely ignored the doctor's orders and warnings and has not only made me aware of where my pills are, but has given me full access to them and trusts me to take them myself. It's tempting to overdose. It really is. And I'm scared, because I don't know how much longer I can hold out before my brain wins. Hyde helps alot, but he can only do so much.

I guess I'm writing this to clear my mind? Or maybe it's because, if I do go through with it one day, I don't want you all to wonder where I am. I don't intend this as a suicide note, not at all, and for now I'm not giving in, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure if I'll survive finals week, heh heh. I know I've had public mental breakdowns in the past on here, but I haven't been 100% honest about how bad it is.

I have had 3 suicide attempts, only one of which my parents know about, and even then believe it was just me 'thinking about it'.

I have thoughts of killing myself and self-harming everyday, without fail.

I have high-functioning depression. Most of the people I interact with either have no idea I'm depressed, or don't know just how bad it is.

I have a lot of undiagnosed problems, things I believe are serious and need to be addressed, but as a teenager I can't do that myself.

It's 3:17 am right now. I should really go to sleep. I can't. My body won't let me, and the few times I do I have horrific night terrors. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I know I make alot of connections between myself and TGS Jekyll, but I'm not trying to be memey or clever when I say I am genuinely terrified of being locked up in an insane asylum. My mother has already threatened to send me to one, not because of my mental health, but as a punishment or to 'scare me straight' due to a fight we had. I feel like I can't be honest with any of the adults in my personal life or I'll be strapped in a straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell. I'm probably wrong, but this is genuinely what I think of when I think 'insane asylum':

I know I probably should be in one. I'm a danger to myself, and most likely to others as well. I have a lot of tendencies and urges I suppress (alongside with my queerness; I'm openly queer on here and with friends at school, but most of it is either forced flamboyance or, when around other people, suppressing it and pretending to be cishet), most of which I know for a fact are a one way ticket to the loving embrace of medical torture. But I can't get into detail about it or ask for help or I'll be seen as attention seeking, faking it, or trying to be Edgy.

My therapist is incredibly sweet, but I'm not honest with her. I keep a lot from her. I feel like I'm burdening her, or she'll judge me. She won't, she's made it clear she cares about me, truly, but my brain won't let me progress and get the help I need. This meme I made pretty much sums up my life in one image:

I don't know why I'm even making this post anymore. I feel so manipulative, like I'm begging for pity and attention. I don't want that; I'd almost prefer getting anons telling me to shut up and kill myself, heh heh! At least then I wouldn't feel like I'm emotionally damaging people who care about me.

I sincerely hate myself for making this post now, actually. I want to delete it all, but I've spent so much time on it, it'd be wasted if I didn't post it. I can't afford to waste time, my brain might actually short circuit if it realizes I wasted time I could have been using to work. What is relaxing or free time, heh heh heh.

...I think I'm going to go cry to Hyde now.

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

WARNING DRAMA AHEAD

(Which is crazy because I try to actively have a drama free lifestyle)

So, awhile back I wrote about some issues in a friend group containing A & Em. Summary: I chatted with Em about A unintentionally making me feel shitty for FINALLY accepting my limitations & making lifestyle & wardrobe changes to reflect that. Em said she'd talk to A because if I did it, A might feel attacked & get defensive.

Day before yesterday, Em dropped by to hang, help me put together a shoerack, and go to a local costume shop that does rentals and serves all the theater departments & dance companies in a 70 mile radius. This shop is amazing, been around since I was little, almost everything is hand made with amazing care and detail, and the decor in their shop is ever changing, detailed, and super fucking cool. ANYWAY, we got on the subject of A, whom I've only seen once or twice since talking to Em about it & seemed ok both times aside from getting legit pissed that I'm better at macrame plant holders than she is. Apparently A currently thinks I dislike her or like her less or something. So I asked Em if I should gently talk to her about it and see if we can reach an understanding. She said she thought it was a good idea h really, I don't like one of my friends thinking I dislike them. So yesterday I pulled together some courage and messaged her. The following is the conversation that occured:

Me: So, I've heard that you are upset and under the impression that I don't like you anymore or like you less or something. So I'm gonna clear the air, but I'm gonna be blunt and honest with you because I'm not down for lying. K? (And let me go ahead and flat out say, I don't dislike you or like you any less)

A:I've just been feeling some reservations toward me lately. Go ahead I can take blunt.

(Spoiler: she cannot take even sugarcoated gentle level blunt)

ME: So here is the deal. My illness is eternal and is only ever going to get worse. In fact, it is constantly getting worse in small, large, and sometimes interesting & unexpected ways. Sometimes it creeps on slowly, sometimes it hits like an anvil was dropped on me. Therefore I am constantly having to adjust my lifestyle, activities, wardrobe... EVERYTHING. Very recently, I realized that I have spent the last 3 years trying to live my old life and just cope so my quality of life has been SHIT. I've finally truly accepted the shithole that is my health for what it is and have started to truly make real adjustments to my lifestyle, hobbies, wardrobe, ect. Because I will never get better and live in about 400 sq ft (at best) that means when I realize something doesn't fit my abilities or needs anymore, I get rid of it. However, I always offer those things to the kids & my friends first before donating them. But here's the thing, when I offer these things to you, I get a load of questions & comments that end up making me feel like I have failed as a person for realizing what has taken me 3 years to realize. For example: when I told you that Julia's candles were my last batch ever, there were loads of 'have you tried...' and 'I'm sure you can find a way.' I know you mean well, but if I'm giving something up, I've truly tried ever avenue to make it work within my limits and it just doesn't. Even after I quit candles in May, I kept the stuff (which took up massive space) until August because I doubted myself and was reluctant to lose another hobby. But I need to face facts and be realistic. Same with the sweater. I am drastically altering my wardrobe for whatever the upcoming season is to fit the fact that I need my cane at all times now (POCKETS) and the fact that my clothes need to be comfy enough for me to get dressed every day not just days I'm leaving the house. I've lived in PJs for the last year and a half and it's not good for my mental health. So all things that don't fit that criteria or my new altered lifestyle must go. And it's going to be a constant process because I'm constantly getting worse. The jewelry making stuff, I genuinely forgot you wanted it because honestly i don't even remember what happened yesterday, so I'm sorry. (I had jewelry making supplies that I can't use anymore due to -15 hand strength, which I gave to Em.)

A: I'm sorry that I've been putting you down and making you feel shity. That's never been my intention. If I ask a ton of questions it's not because I don't understand the severity and challenges in your daily life. I ask so many questions because I often find unconventional wacky solutions to peoples problems all the time and if I can be in the slightest bit helpful in finding a loophole or a way you might not have seen, I thought that would be better than just saying "I'm so sorry to hear that" I figured you hear that enough but idk how often you hear people actually trying to find a way. Like the sweater example, I would have been happy to take you shopping for a fun print material the made you some pockets. Outside like a cool patchwork with awesome prints, or inside like a bond detective. But you were so quick to snap at me and explain your whole situation like I am not taking you seriously. I ask because I want to hear your needs and maybe just maybe be able to help out. But if all I do is make you feel like your grandma did then I'll do you a favor and stop inviting myself over to make you feel shitty. I'm glad Emma always knows just what to say.

Now at this point, I stopped replying. I was kind of shocked at her response. Like, I expected her to explain her intentions, despite me making it clear I knew her intentions were good, because that's what people do. I expected us to discuss how things should be moving forward so I don't continue to feel like a failure. I considered maybe mentioning somewhere in there that if I want help or advice or solutions, I'll fucking ask. But I did NOT expect those last couple sentences where she basically stomped her feet and said well since this isn't going how I want, I'm not playing with you guys anymore.

After careful thought, writing & editing over a 5 hr period, I sent this (which are screenshots from my notes because typing is rough, I wanted to convey what I wanted just right, and now you have to click on them to see the full thing. I'm sorry I've failed you, the reader of this normal convo turned melodrama, in such a fashion.):

She responded at like 2 am (when I was asleep) so I saw there was a response when I woke up, but given the history of her behavior in situations like this (conveyed via Em, who has known her MUCH longer) I decided not to open it just yet, as I'd like to relax and enjoy my day. This shit stresses me out. I don't do drama and tantrums. I don't tolerate it from my teenage Spawn, much less fucking adults. I get the feeling that the response is going to be just as melodramatic & tantrum filled. If this is how she handles her intentions not aligning with the result of her actions that were driven by said intentions, then she's in for a real shock when she leaves the cuddlebox of college and enters the real world. Your boss isn't going to care about how good your intentions were when you accidentally burned down the kitchen of the bakery you work in. They will just care that you burned down their fucking business.

Welp, may as well rip off the bandaid. For you, my dear reader, to have closure I will read the response. Back in a sec.

OMG IT WAS SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC THAN I EXPECTED.

A:I understand. And I told you where I stand. I am the type of friend that instinctually tries to help those she cares deeply about. I'm not the friend to just sit and feel bad when there's something I can do. But I have been feeling for a while now unwanted and you have confirmed it by not saying anything then, just talking about it to my former close friend, and then throwing it in my face that you have been holding on to a box cuz of me. And like the adult i am, I don't see why I should change the type of friend I am just because some one is ungrateful for it. I'll go help someone else leave their abusive boyfriend's in the middle of the night. for the people I care about I'd do anything, anything except sit and do nothing while I'm told how much worse I make things when I try and help. I will just take my good intentions elsewhere. I have had the worst year of my life but I don't remember you asking me once anyway. I wish you the best buy obviously your life is better without me and my negativity in it. I truly am sorry I hurt your feelings and I never ever wanted to. I cherished your friendship more than you'll ever know and you can ask anyone. But because I can't see myself sitting by biting my tongue around you and waking on eggshells because I clearly can't see the bounty between helpful conversion and being a cunt. Since I respect you so much I'll go ahead and remove that stupid cunt from your life so you won't be put down again.

HOOOLY SHIT. I'm not responding to that giant fucking dramatic pity party. She legit needs to grow the fuck up. Good god.

[your-turn-to-role]

yeah, i honestly don't think we're disagreeing that much? like trent was definitely cruel and abusive as kids and i don't think they spent the whole time going "ah this is good and friendly"

but at the same time... kindness and gentleness isn't what i was trying to emphasise about how trent would have acted around them. what i was mainly getting at was the fact that everyone else caleb's ever talked to who's known trent has acted as if they can tell he's evil from a mile off, like it's obvious

but like... even with everything you're saying (which i am aware of and did take into account)... if trent had shown up like a cartoon villain they would have had no reason to trust him

and trust was crucial

my first high school was one you had to pass a test to get into, i know those kind of teachers. hopefully none of them were secretly abusing kids behind everyone's backs, but like, the teachers who have a reputation for being cruel and impossible and difficult and take pride in only teaching the best of the best and letting everyone else flunk out

and yeah, like you said, it fucking works. like i tended to hate all those teachers on principle and deliberately failed their classes because i was the kind of kid that was like "if you're not gonna play fair with everyone i'm not gonna let you treat me like i'm special and instead i'm gonna make life as difficult for you as possible" (not to say i'd be immune to that kind of manipulation, there were definitely very similar things that would have worked, just not that in particular), but i had plenty of friends who loved those kinds of teachers, because it's one thing to have a friendly teacher like you, it's another to have a teacher everyone hates like you, because kids like feeling special

and all of those friends saw those teachers as confidantes, even if they were strict even to them. i have never seen a teacher be more well loved and trusted than the ones with a reputation for being terrible

i had a teacher who was known for being terrifying and cutthroat and yelling a lot, who once informed us the majority of the class had failed an exam by handing back the papers to the three or four students that passed and then walking up to the front of the room and dropping the rest on the floor. i have witnessed the same teacher sit at the back of the class with a friend of mine who was also a star student and joke about how terrible the school system is

you can be both at once, is what i'm saying, and honestly being both at once is a great way to have those star pupils not think ill of you, because the first time you're cruel to them specifically their thought is not "wow this teacher's bad news", it's "oh no i fucked up i need to fix this so they'll like me again", which is, exactly the mindset you want them in if you plan to manipulate them into doing stuff they don't wanna do

and caleb may not have liked trent, after a while, but he trusted that trent would always tell him the truth

that's the biggest difference between caleb's view of the situation and the adult scourgers' view of the situation. it's not that caleb suddenly realised he was bad, you're right, that's old news. but consider that teenage caleb was lawful evil and trent's chaotic. what broke caleb's trust in trent was that he lied.

if he hadn't, if caleb's parents genuinely were traitors, then sure, caleb would still have had the mental break, but when he recovered, he might not have run away. it was that lie, that betrayal, that shook caleb out of a lot of the conditioning. and he's convinced that's all it would take for the others as well, he tried to use that truth on the scourger in the jail, he tried to use it on astrid. and of course they rebuffed it easily because it's been so long in this life now of course they know. maybe they never cared about the lie, only the end result

but yeah i think you've helped me clarify a little more what the exact problem is, but if anything that only makes it worse. because yeah, a decent chunk of those "yeah of course trent's bad news", have come with a "of course you shouldn't trust him". even the other volstrucker, victims of the same abuse, have told caleb of course they don't trust trent

caleb did.

and if we're talking about things that make caleb feel humiliated and isolated and ashamed, i don't think anything's going to get higher than that

kinda jumping off that other post i reblogged but something i’ve been thinking for a while is… it’s definitely, an interesting choice, for matt to have pretty much every npc ever go “yeah trent’s vibes are the worst he’s creepy and i hate him”, and i think that’s validating for the audience who’s known to hate him from the start

but i really don’t think it’s that validating for caleb

because like, the simple fact of the matter is, trent isn’t always creepy, and doesn’t always have bad vibes the instant you meet him. he’s perfectly capable of being a charming and clever and friendly old man, because that’s the entire basis on how his abuse tactics work

if trent was immediately noticeable as bad news, he wouldn’t be able to lure so many kids into going to how magic school, then taking private lessons with him, then manipulating them to put the empire and him above everything else, then convincing them everything they go through is worth it. like, the biggest, number one most effective trait of abusers, is they seem like nice people at first, people you’d want to give the benefit of the doubt, because that’s the only way they get away with gradually turning up the heat like that until you’re trapped

caleb may hate trent now, and i think most scourgers do eventually, they get to a certain point and they realise trent was manipulating and abusing them, but at that point they fully believe in the cause and see it as “well, okay, he’s terrible and i hate him, but someone had to do it, for the sake of the empire”. but as children? as children this is your trusted mentor, who saw something in you personally and wants the best for you, this is your friend, this is your confidant, and you’re so good at magic that an assembly member loves you and wants to teach you privately

and i think thinking of trent that way makes many people uncomfortable, for sure. but the thing is, if everyone who’s ever met trent knows immediately he’s bad news, how is caleb supposed to take that? everyone saw this and you didn’t, you were naive and foolish to go along with it, was trent really manipulating you at all? or did you go along with it because it gave you an opportunity to be the terrible person you’ve been all along, you didn’t run away because you believed in empire over all, you believed you were better than everyone else, you wanted the excuse to hurt people.

caleb has a lot of reasons to blame himself, but i feel like this is another voice in his ear, because everyone jumps immediately to “i knew he was terrible from the start i hate him” and think that they’re confirming to caleb they’re on his side. and they are, but they’re also doing what caleb’s been doing to himself the whole time, and implicating the victim

(though i do find it interesting that even with it made so obvious, sometimes even the fandom takes trent’s side. not in an overt way, but any time people have seen how trent reacted in contrast to caleb’s prediction and gone “oh caleb was overreacting”. like i fully believe caleb has never once overreacted about that, we just haven’t seen the worst of it yet)