#I’ve seen quite a few posts like this for multiple venues

[iwatcheditbegin]

Someone just posted that they got tickets on Ticketmaster for only $75 with fees ( floor seats). And they didn’t have a code. So the pattern of tickets becoming available and prices going down before the show still stands.

[spockandawe]

Well, this is interesting! So, in that post yesterday, there was one line that really baffled me, a thing about people brushing off a character as an asshole “because he shows literally zero growth.” I kind of set that aside because it was such a weird non-sequitur, and guessed that it was just someone’s sentences not quite keeping up with their train of thought, which has happened to me many times. Apparently I was wrong! I already spent long enough on that one post, I’m tired of talking about that, but this is new and interesting. 

Okay. I kind of wanted to see if I could talk about this purely in terms of abstracts and not characters, but I don’t think it’ll work. It would be frustrating to write and confusing to read. It’s about Jiang Cheng. Right up front: This isn’t about whether or not he’s an abuser. Frankly, I don’t think it’s relevant. This also isn’t about telling people they should like him. I don't care whether anyone else likes him or not. But I do like him, and I am always fascinated by dissecting the reasons that people disagree with me. And the process of Telling Stories is my oldest hyperfixation I remember, which will become relevant in a minute.

I thought I had a good grasp on this one, you know? Jiang Cheng makes it pretty obvious why people would dislike Jiang Cheng. But then the posts I keep stumbling over were making weird points, culminating in that “literally zero growth” line.

So! What happened is that someone wrote up a post about how Jiang Cheng’s character arc isn’t an arc, it’s stagnation. It’s a pretty interesting read, and I broadly agree with the larger point! The points where I would quibble are like... the idea that it’s absolute stagnation, as opposed to very subtle shifts that still make a material difference. But still, cool! The post was also offered up as a reason why OP was uninterested in writing any more Jiang Cheng meta, which I totally get. I’m not tired of him yet, but I definitely understand why someone who isn’t a fan of his would get tired about writing about a character with a very static arc. Okay!

Now, internet forensics are hard. I desperately wish I had more information about this evolution, because I find this stuff fascinating, but I have no good way to find things said in untagged posts, reblogs, or private/external venues. But as far as I can tell, that “literally zero growth” wasn’t just a slip of the tongue, it’s become fashionable for people to say that Jiang Cheng is an abusive asshole (that it’s fucked up to like) because he doesn’t have a character arc.

Asshole? Yes. Abusive? This post still isn’t about that. This is about it being fucked up to like this character because he did bad things and had a static character arc.

At first, that point of view was still deeply confusing to me. But I think I figured out the idea at the core of it, and now I’m only baffled. I’m not super interested in confirming this directly, because the people making the most noise about this have not inspired confidence in their ability to hold a civil conversation and I’m a socially anxious binch, but I think the idea is: ‘This character did Bad Things, and then did not improve himself.’

Which is alarmingly adjacent to that old favorite standard of ‘This piece of fiction is glorifying Bad Thing.’ I haven’t seen anyone accusing mxtx of something something jiang cheng, only the people who read/watched/heard the story and became invested in the Jiang Cheng character, but things kind of add up, you know?

Like I said, I don’t want to arbitrate anyone’s right to like/dislike Jiang Cheng. That’s such a fucking waste of time. But this is fascinating to me, because it’s like..... so obviously new and sudden, with such a clear originating point. I can’t speak to the Chinese fans, obviously, but exiledrebels started translating in... what, 2017? And only now, in 2021, do people start putting forth Jiang Cheng’s flat character arc as a “reason” that he’s bad? I’m not going to argue if he pings you in the abuse place, I’m not a dick. I’m not going to argue if you just dislike his vibes. I’m just over here on my blog and in the tag enjoying myself, feel free to detour around me. But oh my god, it’s so silly to try to tell other people that they shouldn’t like him because he has a static character arc.

I want to talk about stories. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to say, because it’s impossible to make broad, sweeping statements, because there are stories about change, there are stories about lack of change, there are all kinds of media that can be used to tell stories, and standards for how stories are told and what they emphasize vary across cultures and over time. But I think that what I can say is that telling a story requires... compromise. It requires streamlining. Trying to capture all the detail of life would slow down most stories to an unbearable degree. Consider organically telling someone ‘I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’ versus the computer science exercise of having students describe, step by step, how to make one (spread peanut butter? but you never said you opened the lid)

Hell, I’ve got an example in mdzs itself. The largely-faceless masses of the common people. If someone asks you to think about it critically like, yes, obviously these are people, living their own lives, with their own desires, sometimes suffering and dying in the wake of the novel plot. But does the story give weight to those deaths? Or does it just gloss by? Yes, it references their suffering occasionally, but it is not the focus, and it would slow the story unbearably to give equal weight to each dead person mentioned. 

Does Wei Wuxian’s massacre get given the same slow, careful consideration as Su She’s, or Jin Guangyao’s? No, because taking the time to weigh our protagonist with ‘well, this one was a mother, and her youngest son had just started walking, but now he’s going to grow up without remembering her face. that one only became an adult a few months ago, he still hasn’t been on many night-hunts yet, but he finds it so rewarding to protect the common people. oh, and this one had just gotten engaged, but don’t worry, his fiancee won’t mourn him, because she died here as well.’ And continuing on that way to some large number under 3000? No! Unless your goal is to make the reader feel bad for cheering for a morally grey hero, that would be a bad authorial decision! The book doesn’t ignore the issue, it comes up, Wei Wuxian gets called out about all the deaths he’s responsible for, but that’s not the same as them being given equal emotional weight to one (1) secondary character, and I don’t love this new thing where people are pretending that’s equivalent.

When Wei Wuxian brutally kills every person at the Wen supervisory office, are you like ‘holy shit... so many grieving families D:’ or are you somewhere between vindicated satisfaction and an ‘ooh, yikes’ wince? Odds are good you’re somewhere in the satisfaction/wince camp, because that’s what the story sets you up to feel, because the story has to emphasize its priorities (priorities vary, but ‘plot’ and ‘protagonist’ are common ones, especially for a casual novel read like this)

Now, characters. If you want to write a story with a sweeping, epic scale, or if you want to tightly constrain the number of people your story is about, I guess it’s possible to give everyone involved a meaningful character arc. Now.... is it always necessary? Is it always possible? Does it always make sense? No, of course not. If you want to do that, you have to devote real estate to it, and depending on the story you want to tell, it could very possibly be a distraction from your main point, like the idea of mxtx tenderly eulogizing every single character who dies even incidentally. Lan Qiren doesn’t get a loving examination of his feelings re: his nephews and wei wuxian and political turnover in the cultivation world because it’s not relevant, and also, because his position is pretty static until right near the end of the story. Lan Xichen is arguably one of the most static characters within the book, he seems like the same nice young between Gusu and the present, right up until... just before the end of the story.

You may see where I’m heading with this.

Like, just imagine trying to demand that every important character needs to go through a major life change before the end of your book or else it didn’t count. This just in, Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg go through multiple novels without experiencing radical shifts in who they are, stop liking them immediately. I do get that the idea is that Jiang Cheng was a ~bad person~ who didn’t change, but asdgfsd I thought we were over the handwringing over people being allowed to like ““bad”” fictional characters. The man isn’t even a canonical serial killer, he’s not my most problematic fave even within this novel.

And here is where it’s a little more relevant that I would quibble with that original post about Jiang Cheng’s arc. He’s consistently a mean girl, but he goes from stressed, sharp-edged teenager, to grief-stricken, almost-destroyed teen, to grim, cold young adult (and then detours into grim, cold, and grief-stricken until grief dulls with time). He does become an attentive uncle tho. He..... doesn’t experience a radical change in his sense of self, which... it’s...... not all that strange for an adult. And bam, then he DOES experience a radical change, but the needs of the plot dictate that it’s right near the end. And he’s not the focus of the story, baby, wangxian is. He has the last few lines of the story, which nicely communicate his changes to me, but also asdfafas we’re out of story. He was never the main character, it’s not surprising we don’t linger! The extras aren’t beholden to the needs of plot, but they’re also about whatever mxtx wanted to write, and I guess she didn’t feel like writing about Jiang Cheng ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But also. Taking a step backward. Stable characters can fill a perfectly logical place in a story. Like, look at Leia Organa. I’m not saying she has no arc, but I am saying that she’s a solid point of reference as Luke is becoming a jedi and Han is adjusting his perspective. I wouldn’t call her stagnant, the vibes are wrong, but she also isn’t miserable in her sadness swamp, the way Jiang Cheng is.

Or, hell, look at tgcf. The stagnant, frozen nature of the big bad is a central feature of the story. The bwx of now is the bwx of 800 years ago is the bwx of 1500+ years ago. This is not the place for a meta on how that was bad for those around him and for him himself, but I have Thoughts about how being defeated at the end is both a thing that hurts him and relieves him. Mei Nianqing is a sympathetic character who’s also pretty darn static. Does Ling Wen have a character arc, or do we just learn more about who she already is and what her priorities always were? I’m going to cut myself off here, but a character’s delta between the beginning of a story and the end of a story is a reasonable way to judge how interesting writing character meta is, and is a very silly metric to judge their worth, and even if I guessed at what the basic logic is, for this character, I am still baffled that it’s being put forth as a real talking point.

(also, has it jumped ship to any other characters yet? have people started applying it in other fandoms as well? please let me know if this is the case, I am wildly curious)

(no, but really, if anyone is arguing that bwx is gross specifically because he had centuries to self-reflect and didn’t fix himself, i am desperate to know)

And finally. The thing I thought was most self-evident. Did I post about this sometime recently? If a non-central character experiences a life-altering paradigm shift right near the end of the story (without it being lingered over, because non-central character), oh my god. As a fic writer? IT’S FREE REAL ESTATE. This is the most fertile possible ground. If I want to write post-canon canon-compliant material, adsgasfasd that’s where I’m going to be looking. Okay, yeah, the main couple is happy, that’s good. Who isn’t happy, and what can I do about that? Happy families are all alike, while every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, etc.

It’s not everyone’s favorite playground, but come on, these are not uncommon feelings. And frankly, it’s starting to feel a little disingenuous when people act like fan authors pick out the most blameless angel from the cast and lavish good things upon them. I’m not the only one who goes looking for a good dumpster fire and says I Live Here Now. If I write post-canon tgcf fic, it’s very likely to focus on beef and/or leaf. I have written more than one au focusing on tianlang-jun.

And, hilariously. If the problem with Jiang Cheng. Is that he is a toxic man fictional character who failed to grow on his own, and is either unsafe or unhealthy to be around. If the problem is that he did not experience a character arc. If these people would be totally fine with other people liking him, if he improved himself as a person. And then, if authors want to put in the (free! time-consuming!) work of writing that character development themselves. You would think that they would be lauded for putting the character through healthier sorts of personal growth than he experienced in canon. Instead, I am still here writing this because first, I was bothered by these authors being named as “freaks” who are obsessed with their ‘uwu precious tsundere baby’ with a “love language of violence,” and then I was graciously informed that people hate Jiang Cheng because he experiences no character growth.

[centrally-unplanned]

Allocating Your Aesthetic Budget: Sailor Moon Edition

Sailor Moon is a show that undoubtedly built a powerhouse of a visual brand. Should I even bother posting a screenshot of the sailor scouts, given that I am 100% confident anyone reading this can recall them instantly? I guess it won’t hurt: 

Anime is often really good at creating iconic designs like this, through repetition of the visuals. It is awkward in live action shows if characters just wear the same outfit every scene (what, they only own one outfit? Are they homeless/work in the tech industry?), but animation gives us enough aesthetic “distance”, an awareness that this isn’t accurate to real life, that you can buy into the conceit. By wearing the same outfit every time, it just becomes the character. Not to mention a studio can really save quite a few bucks by streamlining production with neat tricks like having only one character design to animate - when you are on a shoe-string budget, like pretty much every anime in the 90’s was, every cut corner counts.

What is interesting about Sailor Moon is that most of the time it doesn’t really use this conceit at all.

-----------

Episode 15 of Sailor Moon’s first season has, in its opening act, this shot of all of the Senshi (at the time) talking to the plot-of-the-day character, who clearly trains rock Pokemon in 16-bit caves in his off hours:

If you knew nothing about these three characters, you could probably infer about 80% of their personality just from their outfits. Usagi (the blond one in the middle, if that's necessary) is wearing:

Light pastel colours, with pink on top of that: girly, feminine, bubbly and breezy

Short-but-not-too-short of a skirt, and red heels: cares about fashion, wants to project an image of being a woman with a romantic hint to it

Long-twin tails w/ buns: Contrasting the shoes, she is still immature and childish. It also means she is the protagonist of an anime 

Rei (far right) rocks a very different look:

T-shirt and jean shorts, shoes over heels: sensible, practical, a bit sporty

Very short shorts, long black hair: Confident, a bit aggressive, and suggestive of a more overt sexuality

Ami (far left) settles into a more restrained vibe with:

Full, long, but sleeveless dress, bob-cut hair: Chaste, more conservative, but not to the point of prudishness; particularly with the length (and the hand posture, shielding her body) probably a bit shy

Monochrome blue colour in outfit & hair: reserved, serene, possessing a calm demeanor

I know I have seen the show already, but really none of these details are a stretch - this is just the language of fashion. And all of these outfits are outfits that the characters have never (or rarely) worn before up until this point. The cast of Sailor Moon, far from that animation conceit of “standard outfits”, change clothes all…

the….

time.

     I just randomly clicked on episodes to find these, it requires no hunting

And while it isn’t always as spot on as the top picture, they all in some way embody the language of visual design to speak to the personality of the characters. If you want to see more, check out one of the multiple tumblrs dedicated to the everyday clothing the Sailor Senshi wear, because of course those exist.

If this was a 2010’s Kyoto Animation show, pointing this out would be the end of it - every one of their shows has this level of impeccable detail. Sailor Moon is notable in that it is not at all that kind of show; the animation and designs in Sailor Moon take perpetual shortcuts to get the job done. I don’t think the transformation sequences need to be belabored - the way they permitted the team to recycle identical animation sequences, multiple times per episode, was surely a godsend to the production schedule. Yet not all of the budget limitations are so prettily masked:

     I’m sure they finished the background art in the...VHS release?

The show is filled with dirty animation, unfinished backgrounds, backgrounds that are a simple color gradient for no clear reason, and so on. It is clear that the Sailor Moon team did not have the resources for every detail - which is why the decision of what details they did choose to prioritize is so interesting.

----------

What is the point of Sailor Moon? I do believe that shows have “points”; and by that I don’t mean a message or theme but a core appeal to an audience, something specific that they will get out of the show. Almost every show appeals along multiple axes, and Sailor Moon is no exception, but I want to focus on one: aesthetic identification.

If you learn someone is a Sailor Moon fan, there is the obvious follow-up question you have to ask, namely “which Sailor Senshi are you?” It’s the which-Harry-Potter-house-are-you question of anime, a horoscope where you can choose your sign (in this case literally). The premise of this concept is not hard for media to execute on - it is just personality traits and aesthetics grouped together under a label, a basic building block of media and clickbait internet quizzes. Harry Potter, ironically, raised up its memetic question almost by accident, as its focus is so squarely on House Gryffindor that the others are almost forgotten; it was just so mind-bogglingly popular that it didn’t matter. 

Sailor Moon, however, takes this concept and allocates so much of its aesthetic budget into making it a centerpiece of the show. Sailor Moon herself is a klutzy, lazy romantic, Sailor Mercury is a shy, earnest bookworm, and so on, with none of them ever really becoming very complex characters. However, the show devotes itself to making you *feel* these archetypes as strongly and intricately as possible. All of those outfit changes are chosen because not only do real girls care about their outfits and can therefore identify more strongly with characters who do the same, but so they can constantly emulate their archetype in diverse, different ways. The show doesn't have the budget for intense action scenes, so after Sailor Moon engages in her hyper-serious transformation sequences, she proceeds to, nearly every time, bumble through the combat scenes like this:

Oh sure, the scenes are done this way because it is funny (and good comedy can be done on any budget - these shots are frequently still frames with motion lines!), but it is also done this way because Sailor Moon is a total screw-up, and if you identify with that it is validating to see someone “just like you” able to pull off wins despite it all. The transformation sequences are not only beautiful animation that showcases aspirational power, but are also crafted to highlight the personalities of the Senshi in question - unless you think aggressive, combative Rei got fire powers by coincidence. Half of the run-time of every episode is spent, not on the plot du-jour, but on light-hearted personal squabbles between the cast because those scenes are not just funny, but also allow for far more moments of character expression. 

All of that work pays off in building with the audience, not a connection with a character who reflects their identity in total, but a connection that reflects one aspect of their identity in an extremely deep (dare I say multifaceted?) way. I think if you were to describe Sailor Moon as a “shallow” show, you would actually be right to say so, in a sense. These characters will never have the true depth of personality, themes and so on of a more ‘adult’ show. But those adult shows have to spend their effort somewhere - for all that the themes of say Evangelion or Paranoia Agent are pristinely detailed and impactful, you aren’t ever going to be memorizing the moves of their transformation sequences. The way Sailor Moon committed so strongly to fleshing out the archetypes the Senshi stood for is, I think, one of the keys to how this cast of five became so iconic.

     Not even their school uniforms match! They had to spend time in-universe *justifying* this!

----------

A Final Note:

At least, everything I’ve said here applies to Sailor Moon at its peaks. The show, however, is not one without its stumbles, even in Season 1. This section doesn’t flow into the core essay too well, but I wanted to note it because if you were to watch Sailor Moon today, you might struggle to feel the dynamic outlined above. The biggest culprit here is the length - Season 1 is 46 episodes long, and sections of it most certainly drag. They also take a startlingly long time to introduce the cast - this choice builds tension around their arrival, but it also means the later Senshi get a lot less time to establish themselves. Sailor Venus in particular gets hamstrung by this - she is introduced and then immediately arc plot elements sweep the narrative, and so she is left as a hollow shell for some time. The pacing of the show is undoubtedly flawed.

I think Sailor Moon is a show that you do have to keep its time and place in mind for - namely, middle schoolers and anime nerds watching it on broadcast TV in the 90’s. As an adult you “get” the point of the show pretty quickly, and get satiated on it almost as fast. Watching it all in a few sittings only heightens this problem. For a younger audience, and one that is waiting for a week between episodes with no internet for plot reminders, all that extra time is needed to jog memories and build connections. And younger audiences just have that limitless commitment to the things they love! If you think no one could actually enjoy seeing the same transformation sequence for the 30th time, watch it with someone who would have died for this show when they were 10 and you will be disabused of that notion *very* quickly. 

Still, we can’t travel back in time - Sailor Moon is a show of its era. There are “filler-reduced” guides out there, though I caution that the plot of Sailor Moon is absolutely not the point of the show in comparison to the character dynamics, and so sometimes the filler is the best part (Cat-Rhett Butler is the best character in the show YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT). Certainly, however, some method must be used to cut down on its length. If you are going to be a first time viewer in adulthood, that reality should be kept in mind, and if you do accept it for what it is you can really appreciate its core appeal - and don’t forget to finish it off with a 1990′s era internet personality quiz to really wrap it up!

[swtorpadawan]

Backup

Author’s Notes: The following story takes place a few weeks after the Rise of the Emperor expansion.

Jonas Balkar’s eyes scanned the south balcony of the Star Cluster Casino on Nar Shaddaa.

From the nearby Strategic Information Service observation post, the senior agent had multiple angles to choose from on his monitor displays, both inside and outside the venue. Years before, Jonas and the Republic SIS – with the assistance of Havoc Squad – had remotely sliced the establishment’s nigh-impregnable security system ever since, giving them a backdoor to the casino’s entire network. Say what you will about the Hutts, but they weren’t stingy on surveillance. They wanted every credit and every gaming chip accounted for, and they were committed to keeping (unsanctioned) violence away from their lucrative hotels and casinos. There were literally hundreds of security holo-recorders and sensors throughout the Star Cluster, and Jonas had access to all of it. What’s more, he could adjust what the Hutts and their goons saw at their end, meaning they wouldn’t get wise to what Jonas was up to.

This had all made the Star Cluster the ideal location for a discreet handoff between their contact – a rather gullible Rodian information broker named Rox, who had a nervous demeanor – and a Nikto working for a Black Sun arms dealer who was (allegedly) supplying off-the-books weaponry for the new Sith Intelligence and their covert operations on the Smuggler’s Moon and other Hutt-controlled worlds. (Why waste time smuggling in ordinance that can be traced back to your government when you can just as easily buy large quantities of untraceable weapons after you arrive, and all at a reasonable price?) The plan was for the Rodian to pass a large bribe to the Nikto for a data-disk on these (alleged) shipments to Imperial safehouses. In one swoop, the SIS would pick up the drop-off points of the network.

But the plan got even better. If things went well, then two days from now, Jonas – through a proxy –would approach the Nikto – the fellow was named Fhentar – with all the information the man had illicitly provided to the Rodian, along with a recording of the hand-off. Using that evidence as leverage, he would turn Fhentar into an SIS informant by threatening to share what the Nikto had done with his boss. The Nikto would then realize that his future lifespan could be measured in minutes if that happened. With Fhentar in Jonas’ pocket, the arms shipments could be disrupted at the Republic’s leisure, forcing the Imps to resort to smuggling their own weapons to the planet. That would further antagonize the Hutt Cartel, causing the Empire even more problems.

Within a few weeks, the Empire’s entire Nar Shaddaa network – so carefully reconstructed by Lana Beniko, the new Minister of Sith Intelligence – would be compromised.

A beautiful plan. All it relied on was this handoff going well over the next few minutes. Just in case, Jonas had an SIS security team – disguised of course – standing by just a few minutes away.

The balcony hadn’t been the obvious choice for the hand-off, but Jonas was convinced it would work. When the action was going hot inside, most of the people tended to ignore the balconies; everyone liked a party, after all. He’d spent weeks surveying the surrounding buildings. A sniper from a nearby high point – should the Exchange or Black Sun or even Sith Intelligence choose to intervene – would find no clear shot of the south balcony. Surveillance – aside from that of the SIS, of course – would be problematic with these acoustics. Rox was wired, but any other audio monitoring would be suppressed.

It worked.

To ensure relative quiet on the balcony, a simple ruse had been arranged to distract any potential witnesses. At the appointed moment, a million-credit jackpot would miraculously (and conveniently) hit on one of the Star Cluster’s Kingpin machines to get the crowd’s attention. An undercover SIS operative would then create a diversion on the floor of casino, feigning drunkenness and staging a fight with the gambler who’d won the jackpot. The altercation would draw the remaining bystanders, all but clearing the balcony of potential witnesses and making it an ideal exchange spot. In Jonas’s experience, nothing drew eyes like a fight on the floor of a casino.  

Still, the SIS agent found himself nervous about this operation for some reason he couldn’t quite place. That’s why he’d called in backup to help him observe everything from his post.  

“You know, of the two of us, I’m supposed to be the one with the anxious reputation.” said the voice from behind him.

Jonas turned, giving Theron Shan a rather haughty smile. One of the top agents in the SIS and (technically) still a division head, Theron handed Jonas a steaming cup of caff, which he accepted with genuine gratitude.

“Well, maybe you’ve been rubbing off on me.” Jonas quipped. “I’ve seen you fret on these things more than a few times. Besides, you were the one who needed to get off Coruscant, remember?”

“I know, I know.” Theron held up a free hand. “Everyone’s still upset with me over that mess I made on Ziost.” He sipped his own cup of caff with a shake of his head as he let out a sigh. For a moment, his normally care-free demeanor slipped away, and Jonas could see the guilt weighing heavily on him.  

“I tell you, Jonas, I honestly don’t blame anyone for being angry with me. I should have called in the cavalry the moment I heard from my contact that the Emperor was back. Instead, I got most of my team killed, and that was before Saresh even called in the invasion out from under me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What a mess.”

Jonas felt an upswell of sympathy for Theron and his troubles. He knew the SIS agent had only ever done what he thought was right, even if that was exactly what got him into trouble most of the time.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up too much.” Jonas patted Theron on the shoulder of his trademark red jacket, giving him a smirk. “At least I still like you.”

Theron wrinkled his nose affectionately at his fellow agent, then rolled his eyes.

“Flatterer.”

“It’s true.” Jonas shrugged, still grinning. “And anyway. I did owe you one from that one incident at the Dealer’s Den back on Coruscant.” Jonas attempted to imitate Theron’s reproachful tone. “‘Jonas’ you said to me, ‘Casino jobs are always tricky. You need to plan to the last detail.’ And hey – you were right.”

“Well, at least this time you actually told me what the operation was. That should make it a little easier.” Theron gave him a scrutinizing look. “So you had a funny feeling about this exchange, and decided to call me in for backup?”

“You are here to add ambiance to an otherwise dreary observation post. Even if it is in an unofficial capacity.” Jonas found himself smirking again. “And hopefully, to start the process of rehabilitating your image with the top brass, even if you aren’t actually here officially.”

Theron nodded in gratitude.

“I appreciate that. I know you didn’t have to do this for me.”

“Don’t mention it. Just help me make sure tonight goes down alright.” Seeing that Rox was in position, Jonas turned back to the bank of monitors, noting the chrono indicator.

It was almost time.

Theron silently gave Jonas a thumb’s up signal as the slice command went through the system. From inside the casino came a blast of celebratory music as the jackpot hit, followed by a series of cheers from the crowd. Most of the handful people still on the balcony started making their way inside. The casino was known to offer a round of complimentary drinks for such rare events. Mere seconds later, shouting could be heard, indicating the scuffle had begun. On one of the peripheral screens, Jonas could see Dionne – a junior agent who showed promise and could play the ‘drunken bruiser’ well – shoving the beleaguered and confused Mon Calamari who’d won the rigged jackpot. The Zabrak’s antics drew even more interest from the casino’s guests than the jackpot had, both inside and out on the balcony. Four or five stragglers made their way inside, eager to watch. Jonas smirked at their reaction as he checked the chrono once again. Perfect timing. Within seconds, Rox, their contact, was one of only three people left still standing on the balcony.

Jonas’s eyes narrowed as he regarded the remaining two individuals; a young human couple who were standing in the far corner, holding each other in an intimate embrace. Jonas watched the man and woman carefully; you couldn’t be too cautious in this business. Both were wearing the revealing attire that had become so popular among socialites on Corellia since the battle there had ended three years before; the ‘Euphoric Corellian’, this look was called. Their arms and shoulders were laid bare, though their hands were gloved. The cut of the tunic was provocative, leaving their flanks bared and showing plenty of skin. This duo wore the outfits well, the woman’s was a deep green while the man wore a royal blue.  

He focused on the woman first; a beautiful brunette with shoulder-length hair, fair skin and green eyes that seemed to match her dress. Jonas would place her in her twenties. The Corellian outfit hugged her impressive feminine curves, but Jonas noted the equally impressive lean, athletic muscle of her arms as well. She wore no jewelry; her only accessory was a green purse she wore over her shoulder, and like her outfit, it matched her eyes perfectly. She was beaming adoringly up at her lover, with a dazzling smile that could have made even a Trandoshan’s heart flutter.    

Damn. Lucky boy. Jonas marveled, turning his attention to her companion.

The man was tall and broad-chested; from what he could see, Jonas would normally assume that he worked out extensively. The scarring, however, across his arms suggested otherwise, telling the tale of injuries suffered over the years; this man – like his companion, only in his twenties by Jonas’s eye – was no doubt a veteran soldier. Probably he’d seen action on Corellia during the war. Based on his attire, maybe he hadn’t been regular Republic military but part of the planetary militia or maybe CorSec. His hair was as raven black as Jonas’s, though the SIS agent suspected the man’s might have been dyed. Regardless, he was a good looking fellow, Jonas couldn’t help but notice. He could easily imagine him on a recruitment poster for the military or for some holo-ad campaign, and his hazel eyes were completely enraptured with the beautiful woman in his arms.  

Huh. Lucky girl. Jonas reflected, chuckling to himself.

His initial anxiety about the couple quickly faded; these two were clearly in love and hardly looked like they could be carrying any concealed weapons. They both clearly enjoyed an active lifestyle. He couldn’t pick up any audio from here – the device Rox was wearing was designed for conversations near him – but they were obviously whispering ‘sweet nothings’ in each other’s ears, holding each other and occasionally leaning in for a teasing kiss. They certainly weren’t paying attention to anyone or anything else but to each other and probably hadn’t even heard the jackpot or the fight from inside. They were plainly just enjoying each other’s company until it was time to withdraw back to their room in the hotel for the evening.

Jonas sighed inwardly, trying to remember how long it had been since he had withdrawn to his room with someone special. Almost on reflex, he glanced over at Theron, who seemed distracted scrutinizing another monitor.

No. Jonas thought to himself. Theron Shan had been fun enough on that late night years ago after a mission when they’d each had far too much to drink, but they’d both agreed afterward that it was better that they remain friends. And honestly, Theron was a good friend, one of the best he had in the galaxy. He shook his head to clear it and then turned back to his own screens.  

Regardless of anything else, that young couple shouldn’t be a problem during a simple handoff.

Confirming once more that Rox was otherwise alone, and naturally that he was looking nervous, Jonas turned to the entry door to the balcony. The time was one minute past the agreed time for the exchange; not enough to call it off just yet. This was always a concern for intelligence agents, but it was the price of working with criminals.

There he is.

The Nikto finally walked in, eyes glancing around the balcony, briefly noting the intimate couple in the corner before dismissing them just as quickly, finally focusing on Rox and approaching the Rodian. A quick holo-scan confirmed that he was unarmed; Jonas was confident the Casino’s security was up to that task of keeping lowlifes like Fhentar from carrying weapons, as they’d had far too many incidents of violence here over the past few years. Fhentar himself was a strange story; supposedly he’d been part of a cult on Taris that had worshipped a fallen Jedi years ago. The SIS file on that situation was still sealed tightly, even from someone of Jonas’s rank. How Fhentar had wound up working for Black Sun after his ‘religion’ had collapsed was anyone’s guess.  

Rox folded his arms, trying to give the Nikto a hard look, but to Balkar, it merely came off as petulant.

“You’re late.” The Rodian said in Huttese.

“And you’re impatient.” Fhentar retorted. “Give me a break. Didn’t you hear the commotion? The casino is going crazy right now.”

Jonas couldn’t deny the validity of the excuse, even if he didn’t trust it. It came with the territory of being a spy.

“Whatever.” Rox shrugged dismissively. “You have the disk?”

“Depends. You got my credits?” the larger Nikto wasn’t giving up any ground. It was the normal underworld posturing, practically clichéd at this point.

“Of course.” The Rodian pulled out the high-denomination credit stick from his belt. Jonas hoped the credits would prove to be money well-spent. The SIS budget was not unlimited.  

The Nikto knew the game, producing a data disk from his jacket.

“So who’re you selling this to, anyway?”

As Rox’s ‘tough’ demeanor – such as it was – started to falter, Jonas could almost smell the Rodian’s nervousness from here.

“Come on. I’m an information broker. You know I can’t talk about that. Not when my clients are paying for discretion, anyway.”

Jonas suddenly noticed some distortion on his monitors. He checked the sensors, but they all seemed to be coming up blank… wait.

There. A series of vibrations against the side of the Star Cluster that weren’t accounted for anywhere else; four distinct series in fact. Rapidly heading down towards the balcony.

Theron Shan noticed it, too. Jonas watched as he urgently plugged into the sensor grid through his cybernetic implants. Jonas hit the ‘standby’ button for his backup team.  

Meanwhile, the conversation was still ongoing.

“Ah, well.” Fhentar shrugged, with a degree of smugness. He tapped the button on his chrono-wristband. “If you’d actually told me now, it would have saved us all some time.”

Jonas was hitting the alert button before the Nikto even finished speaking.

“Team two! Move in! Move in!”

He watched helplessly as the four series of vibrations converged on the balcony. A moment later, he saw the tell-tale shimmer of stealth field generators shutting down as four armed figures in sneak-suits had suddenly surrounded Rox and Fhentar, each one attached at their belt to a rope running up the wall. The SIS agent realized immediately that they had rappelled down the side of the building. The Star Cluster’s sensors should have normally picked up the anomaly well before this. Something had gone wrong.

Many somethings were obviously going wrong.  

“My bosses want to know who’s got their eyes on their business, Rox.” Fhentar chuckled. “So my friends here are gonna take you up to the shuttle pad on the roof. I hope you aren’t afraid of heights.”

Jonas’s communicator beeped as the Rodian started to look around, panicking.

“Chief!” Wynnefred’s voice came through. “The kriffing catering trucks have blocked us off! We have to go around!”  

“Dammit!” Jonas’s hand slammed against the table, checking the layout and realizing he’d been outplayed. “My backup team is more than a minute away!”  

Theron just looked up at the array of screens and smirked.

“Mine’s not.” He reached up and tapped the relay on his earpiece.

Even afterwards, even with the benefit of re-watching the recordings at reduced speed, Jonas could still barely comprehend what took place over the next two seconds.

One second, the Nikto and the Rodian were surrounded by four armed assailants, ready to restrain Rox and take him away the same way they had come, all while the young couple in the corner of the balcony continued to bask in each other’s company, completely oblivious to the abduction taking place behind them.

The next second, there was a veritable explosion of movement. The young couple were gone and Fhentar and all four of his accomplices had been knocked to the ground. As for Rox, the panicked Rodian had fallen to his knees and found himself flanked by a pair of bodyguards… each of them brandishing lightsabers.

Jedi. Jonas marveled to himself.

Other things registered to Jonas. The long dark wig had fallen from the brunette’s head - he now observed her short red hair - and was lying on the floor of the balcony, an obvious consequence of coming out of a Force leap. Her purse had likewise been discarded, and he realized that was likely where they had been hiding their weapons. He noted that the woman’s lightsaber was of the fluorescent green double-bladed variety, while the man brandished a pair of radiant blue sabers.

But these were all secondary observations to Jonas, as he watched all four assailants – apparently oblivious to the fact that they were completely outmatched – attempt to rise to their feet and to press the attack, only to be cut down in a flurry of brutally efficient lightsaber strikes.  

Apparently wiser than his fellows, Fhentar remained prone on the ground. Jonas could hear his lamentations through Rox’s audio device.  

“No! Not Jedi again!” he groaned, raising his hands in the air and plainly giving himself up.

Jonas was right about to turn to Theron in for an explanation when recognition dawned on him.

Wait.

Jonas’s eyes refocused on the man. The shade of his hair and eyes were off, and he was missing that distinctive scar going down his left cheek, but his physical build, the twin blue lightsabers and his red-headed companion…

Jonas’s jaw dropped in realization and he gaped.

“That’s the Hero of Tython!” he whirled on Theron.

Theron Shan was doing absolutely nothing to suppress his amusement.

“Yup. Colored contact lenses, some hair dye, and cosmetics. Plus a wig on Kira – his partner – obviously. No one in their right mind would ever expect to see a Jedi dressed like that.” Theron smiled. “I put a scan-blocker in Kira’s bag. Hutt security trains to look for blasters, knives and explosives, not for lightsabers.”

Jonas finally let out an exhale, realizing only then that he’d been holding his breath.

“I’d heard you’d been working with him.” He offered, turning back to his screens as the gears of his mind started to turn. “Not a perfect night, but its salvageable. Rox is still breathing and we took Fhentar alive. It shouldn’t be too hard to flip him, even without the recordings. Not ideal, but he should at least be able to give up some Imperial drop points.”

He nodded, turning back to Theron with a grateful smile.

“Well. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” Theron chuckled. “Like you said, something about this exchange felt off. I might have waited too long to ‘call in the cavalry’ on Ziost, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake here.”

“After all, everyone needs backup sometimes.”

“That we do. Please make sure to pass on my appreciation.” Jonas smiled back, then turned back to the monitoring station.

“So you had Halcyon and Carsen pose as a couple?”

Theron smirked boyishly, obviously pleased with himself at the deception.

“Clever, huh? I was worried they wouldn’t be able to pull it off, being Jedi and everything. But they were great out there. Hell, they could have fooled me.”

Jonas turned away from his fellow SIS agent, regarding the screens as Wynnefred and his team finally arrived to take Fhentar into custody and to deal with the bodies of the four fallen assailants. Despite the Nikto’s importance going forward, Jonas’s focus again zeroed in on the pair of young Jedi.

Halcyon was cautiously turning Fhentar over to the security team. Clearly, the Jedi Battlemaster wasn’t taking chances. Carsen was standing beside him, positioned protectively over Rox. But their postures were aligned towards each other; Halcyon turned just so his wide stance was open to Carsen, who likewise was turned towards him, her eyes gazing up at him affectionately as he conferred with Jonas’s backup team leader.

Theron Shan was one of the cleverest intelligence operatives Jonas knew, and he was nearly as good an analyst. But sometimes, he couldn’t see the forest from the trees.

For once though, Jonas decided to keep his observations to himself.

Well. At least somebody’s going to bed happy tonight. He suspected, with an envious look back at the couple.

 Author’s Notes: I just take it as a given that Theron and Jonas once had a brief thing.

Fhentar shows up on Taris during the Imperial Agent story, serving the memorable Ki Sazen. Obviously, in my legacy, he survived his encounter with Cipher Nine. Unfortunately for him, his new employers don’t appear to be much better than the old ones. Rox and Balkar’s subordinates are my own creation.

The mention of Havoc Squad’s trip to the Star Cluster Casino for the SIS is obviously a reference to the Trooper’s class mission to Nar Shaddaa.

The Euphoric Corellian armor set is a real thing. It’s probably illegal on some planets.

Rodians get shafted in this game and in the greater Star Wars universe in general. So I feel bad for piling on.

Tagging people who expressed interests - @swtorshipping​ , @swtor-writers-guild​ , @raven-of-domain-kwaad​ , @ask-an-andalite​ , @a-muirehen​ , @taraum​ , @theravenassassin95​ , @sleepswithvillains​ , @blueburds​ , @sunnysayshello​

[harrystylesgoldencreature]

Baby, You’re Perfect

Chapter Three- Unwelcomed Surprises 

Harry

Things on tour had been going off without a hitch. They were just over a month in, and they still had quite a few months of shows lined up.

Harry had been on cloud nine. His passion had always been to bring happiness to others, and he loved that his job allowed him to do just that. He loved performing for his fans, and he loved the rush he got from it. He also loved being on the road with his band and crew. They had all become like a family to him, and he enjoyed each and every moment they spent together.

The tour had become a routine to him. He spent quite a while traveling to each venue, whether it be by bus or plane. Once there he would go over every single detail of how the stage would be set up, how the show would go, and how many fans were expected to be there.

It seemed like he was constantly going over his busy schedule with Jeff. It felt as if his entire life was being mapped out for him, which could get overwhelming at times. However, he found comfort in his work and especially in his friends. He also really enjoyed his daily flirtations with his lovely new photographer Layla. He found her to be both charming and extremely attractive. He loved her humor and especially her laugh. She could make him laugh all day long, and he felt like they would be the perfect match. Except he couldn't seem to get up the courage to ask her out on a date.

He didn't know why, but his nerves always got the better of him. No one had made him this nervous in a very long time, and it drove him mad. All he wanted was the confidence to just walk up to her and tell her how he felt.

He was currently roaming around backstage trying to find her, when he got an unwelcome surprise. Everyone was lounging around in what they called the blue room. They were relaxing a while, before they had to start getting ready for the show. Walking in, Harry scanned the room. He froze in his spot, when he saw an unfamiliar man talking to Layla. He seemed to be rather close to her and had his arm on her shoulder. She was smiling at him, but Harry noticed that it wasn't her normal smile. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she seemed to be uncomfortable. Although she hid it rather well, behind her fake smile.

Walking over to where Sarah was standing, he grabbed a bottle of water.

“Hey, whose that?” He asked casually, pointing to the strange man.

“Ohh..” She said narrowing her eyes. “That would be Jackson. He's Layla's boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” He asked, choking on the water he had just put in his mouth. “I wasn't aware she had a boyfriend.”

“Umm.. I think they just got back together. She told me they had broken up just before she came to work for you, but he just showed up here not to long ago asking for her.”

“I see,” he said frowning.

“I'm sorry, dear.” She said hugging him tightly. “I know you have a thing for her.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Well maybe not to her, but we've all known you a lot longer so we know the signs.”

He sighed. “Well I guess there's not much I can do about it now.”

“Just hang in there.” She said thoughtfully. “Just between me and you, I don't think they'll last.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Just look at him. He's bad news.”

“You see it to?” He asked. “I thought it was just my jealousy talking.”

“It's not just you Harry, we all care about Layla as well. She's a lovely girl, and she definitely deserves better than that creep.”

Harry and Sarah talked for a bit longer, before he started to grow uncomfortable. He walked out of the room, saddened. He couldn't believe that she was taken and not by him. He was kicking himself for not telling her how he felt sooner. He spent the rest of the day alone in his dressing room, until it was time for the show to begin.

Walking out of the room, and not paying attention, he ran right into Layla.

“Oh.” She said a bit startled. “Hey you! I feel like I haven't seen you all day. Where have you been hiding?” She asked in her teasing way.

Unlike before, she now had a genuine smile on her face. It confused him that much more.

“Oh.. You know.. I've just been writing a bit and keeping to myself.”

“I see,” she said frowning. “Is everything alright?”

“Just peachy,” he told her. He gave her his best fake smile.

Narrowing her eyes, he knew she wasn't buying it. Though they haven't know one another long, he knew she could already read him way to well. Rather than calling him on it, she just shook her head and stepped pass him.

It took everything in him not to run after her, as he watch her walk down the hallway. Reluctantly, he turned the other way and headed for the stage.

…..........

I could sense something was a mist. Harry had been acting strange for the past week now. I couldn't shake the feeling that he was doing his absolute best to avoid me at all costs. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong. I had asked him a million times what was bothering him, to which he would always reply 'Nothing'.

It was starting to really drive me insane. I knew it was crazy to even consider, but I was really beginning to think we had something special. Now I wasn't sure what to think at all. Maybe it was all in my head, and I was just over thinking it all. Or maybe I really was the problem.

It all seemed to start, when Jackson came back into the picture. Things had been going perfectly, up until that point. He showed up out of the blue, just before a show one night. It wasn't surprising that he had been following me. He wasn't exactly happy about the break up, so I knew it was just a matter of time.

We had been together for a little over two years, and it was a complete nightmare. It took me the longest time to find the courage to leave him, in the first place. Harry's tour had been the biggest blessing. I couldn't quite believe my luck, when I received the call and was offered the job. It was the answer to my prayers. I used the tour, as an excuse for the break-up. Jackson, however, didn't buy it. He knew me leaving was inevitable.

So it wasn't a surprise when he showed up. Not entirely anyways. The thought had been in the back off my mind every minute of everyday. I searched for his face in every crowd, and I constantly had to watch my back.

Now I wasn't sure what to do. Showing up, he made it clear that he wasn't going to let me go.

So I just went along with it, for now. Deep down, I knew this was the reason Harry had been acting so off. I knew he saw the two of us, and someone must have told him we were together. I wish I had the courage to tell him the truth of the matter, but I could never seem to find the right words.

The days seemed to grow longer, as his silence continued. It was torture, but I did my very best to stay distracted. I took more and more pictures, in order to stay busy. Harry's feeds were always filled with the most up to date photos. I could tell that he wasn't himself so it was hard to find the perfect pictures to post. It was definitely making things even harder.

I had been roaming around backstage, in order to pass the time, when I over heard a conversation I knew I wasn't meant to hear.

“I'm not sure what to do.” Harry said saddened.

His voice broke my heart even further. I could sense something was really bothering him, and I was surprised by how bad it seemed to hurt me. Carefully, I listened on.

“What do you mean?” Mitch asked him.

“Layla.. She has a boyfriend.” He said sadly. “I thought I could get over it. I thought that I could at least act normal around her, but I just can't. My feelings for her are unwavering, and I just don't know what to say to her anymore.”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My heart seemed to want to beat out of my chest. He has feelings for me? I thought I had been imagining the entire situation. Hesitantly, I listened on.

“That's a tough one mate.” Mitch sighed. “Maybe you should tell her how you feel. You will never know if she feels the same way if you don't.”

“I don't know, man. I care about her way too much to ruin things between her and him. If he's what makes her happy, then who am I to stand in the way.”

Having heard enough, I walked away. The last thing I wanted was to be caught eavesdropping. I knew I'd never be able to look him in the eyes, if I did. I had tears streaming down my face, as I headed for the exit. I needed some fresh air, and I had a lot to think about.

….......

It had been a few days, since I heard Harry's secret confession. Three long days filled with doubt and a million different questions. I had multiple arguments with myself on what I needed to do, yet I still had no earthly idea on what to do.

My heart felt like it had been shattered into a million different pieces. I had not realized how strong my feelings for Harry had been, until I heard his heartfelt confession. Harry was everything I had ever wanted in a man and so very much more. He was truly the perfect man. I just didn't know how he would, feel if he knew the entire truth. Would he still look at me in the same way?

On the other hand, there was Jackson. We had a ton of history together, but I knew he would never change. He wasn't the type, but I still didn't know how to get rid of him. He had a million issues and demons, and he always found a way to blame them on me. He had a way to make me feel a hundred times worse. We would constantly fight, and things would almost always get physical. I knew I deserved better, but I didn't know how to get out of the situation I was in.

Up until now, I had not pictured myself with anyone else. I couldn't bare to think about it, because I knew it would probably never happen. Now there was Harry, and I couldn't help but picture our lives together. It was never ending torture.

I couldn't help my feelings for Harry. From the moment we laid eyes on each other, I was hooked. He was just such an amazing person. He had a heart of gold, and I knew he would treat me like a queen. Just watching him interacting with his fans melted my heart. I don't think he had a mean bone in his body. He was a true gentleman.

I had been doing my best to avoid both men, as much as I possibly could. Jackson had been taking it the worst. I knew it was only a matter of time before he showed back up, and I had to explain things. Harry was another matter entirely. It was hard to avoid him, when it was my job to capture his memories. Life had gotten very complicated, in just a short amount of time.

Knowing I couldn't put it off any longer, I called Jackson. I knew what I needed to do, and I was beyond scared out of my mind. I asked him to meet me, just before I had to work on Harry's next show. I knew it needed to be public. He was less likely to lash out, if there were witnesses. I had a brief break, while the crew was setting up the stage, so it was the best time for the encounter.

My heart began to race, as I saw Jackson enter the arena. He didn't look happy, so I knew this was going to be bad. I met him close to the front of the entrance and took a seat in the empty audience. I didn't want anyone to over hear the conversation, but I also refused to be alone with him.

I sat quietly, trying to buy my time. Playing with my fingers, I thought through what I wanted to say.

“Just spit it out already. I'm sure, I know what you're going to say.” He spat out.

“I don't want to be with you.” I whispered, avoiding his hated stare.

“I don't think so.”

I continued to avoid his glare and remained silent.

“You're not doing this to us again. I let you throw your pity party before, but not again.”

“Pity party?” I asked, taken aback. “I'm not even going to justify that with a response. You know what you done, and I'm over it.”

“It's your word against mine.”

Rolling my eyes, I just shook my head. “Whatever Jackson. Say whatever you want. I really don't care anymore. We're not right for each other, and I refuse to let you ruin my life any longer.”

“Listen to me,” he started. His voice became cold and cause a shiver to run down my spine. “I'm not going anywhere.”

I started to get up from my chair. I knew him all to well, and I knew he wasn't going to leave without a scene.

“I have to go,” I told him. I tried my best to step around him.

Pushing me back down in the seat, he hovered over me. “I don't think I made myself clear enough.” He said coldly. Pulling his hand back, I closed my eyes. I knew what was coming so all I could do was prepare myself.

“I think the lady said to leave.” I heard Harry's raspy voice call out.

Looking up, I saw Harry holding back Jackson's hand. He seemed to come out of nowhere. He stood a foot taller than the boy, and stared at him with furious eyes. I had never seen Harry this angry.

“This doesn't concern you,” Jackson spat out.

“Actually, I believe it does. If you ever lay a hand on her again. I'll kill you.” Harry's voice was low, but the threat rang with sincerity.

Jackson laughed, “I'm not afraid of you.”

Without a warning, Harry reared back and hit Jackson square in the jaw. He hit him so hard that he knocked the boy flat on his back. Before Jackson could get back to his feet, Harry called security over.

“If you would, please escort this man off of the premises. Also, make sure to let the entire security team know not to let him back in.”

“Of course.” The two broad men said at once. They each grabbed one of Jackson's arms and dragged him away.

I sat there in stunned silence, as I watched the scene play out. Harry turned my way and looked at me shyly.

“Are you alright?” He asked softly.

He slowly knelt down in front of me, so that we were of equal eye level. Taking both my hands, he squeezed them gently.

“Yes,” I whispered. I had not realized I was crying, until Harry leaned over and wiped the tears from my cheek. “Thank you for that..”

Harry gave me a small smile, as he rose to his feet. Without another word, he walked back towards the stage. Before I realized what I was doing, I jumped up and ran after him. Putting my hand on his shoulder, I stopped him.

“Harry?”

He stopped but stood with his back to me. Taking his hand, I slowly spun him around so that we were face to face. Taking a deep steadying breath, I reached up and pulled him towards me. Softly I brought my lips to his and kissed him.

Pulling back, he looked down at me in utter shock and confusion. “No... This isn't right.” He mumbled, before walking away.

Staring after his retreating figure, I was dumbfounded.

[marauders-fanfilm]

Long Overdue Update

Hey everyone!    First and foremost, I want to issue an apology. I posted an update at the end of 2018 for the backers on Kickstarter & Indiegogo, but neglected to post it to our social media pages, and that’s on me. We are still here, we are still hard at work, and I apologize for neglecting our Social Media lately. I am making a point to rectify this for the future.

   Yes, the project has taken far longer than any of us anticipated, and while it is not any one person’s fault, I will take responsibility here on behalf of the production. And for that I apologize to all of our backers, our fans, and to our cast and crew. We all want to see this project completed, and our Post Production team have been pouring their hearts into doing so. Unfortunately as we all are working as unpaid volunteers, and we all have other commitments we must prioritize- Day jobs, school, families, etc, and as such our availabilities fluctuate week to week. But our team has been generously donating their nights and weekends to the film, and the results so far have been amazing. That said, if anyone has experience in Visual Effects and really wants to contribute, we’d always be happy to have more hands!

   Outside of Visual Effects, which is the main thing that has been taking time on this project, the score is almost complete, and is sounding absolutely beautiful. It’s taken a while, as composer Paul Bourque has been quite busy with his own professional music career, but it is going to be worth the wait. There’s also going to be a fair bit more on the Official Score than just what is heard in the film. I truly think you’re all going to love it!   It has come to our attention lately that there have been some questions circulating about the film’s budget and how it was spent. This is absolutely fair, and I’m happy to expand more upon that and what’s been going on lately, though I am going to add a cut here before this post gets any longer! TLDR, we’re still here, still hard at work, and while it has taken longer than any of us anticipated, we truly feel that it will be worth the wait -Aaron Director, The Gathering Storm

    2017 was largely a year of delays and roadblocks, and that slowed things down a lot. Our original VFX Supervisor (a team of one) finally left the project after almost a year of delays, admitting he just didn’t have the free time to commit to the project. We brought on a new team of VFX artists, but after several months, they too left the project, admitting that they just didn’t have the time with their academic workload. This just left our current VFX Supervisor, Martin Bayang, alone, and essentially still stuck at the starting line.

    But with our last update in April of 2018 we began to search for additional artists to help tackle the 350 or so VFX shots of varying complexity in the film. I am proud to say that we now have a team of six incredibly talented artists working on the film, led by Martin, and we are about halfway through the visual effects! I have been personally going through every new shot alongside Martin, and I am THRILLED with how everything looks so far. These amazing artists, who range from a talented High School student to a Visual Effects artist from Game of Thrones, have been working tirelessly to bring the magic to life, and you won’t be disappointed. That said, in the last few months several of our artists have had to leave the project due to a lack of available free time to continue working on it. We still have several active members on our team, and are currently pursuing more. We are working as hard, and as fast, as we possibly can to bring you guys this story, and we really do appreciate your patience.     There have been claims lately that the production was not as transparent as we should have been. While there is nothing nefarious being concealed, these claims aren’t necessarily wrong either. While we’ve tried to keep you all updated of the progress on the project, I have kept some of the individual personal issues behind closed doors, and that may have been a mistake.  I would like to rectify this by offering an explanation to at least some of this:     When we began production back in 2014, I believed the producer we had knew what they were doing. When it became clear that this was not the case (losing one of our key locations just days before filming began), they were replaced by their Associate Producer, who managed to successfully get us through all three rounds of filming. When filming wrapped however, that producer stepped off the project as well, leaving the responsibilities of Producer on me, in addition to my responsibilities as Director. A couple members of the cast stepped up to help, and we couldn’t have gotten this far without them, but they too have careers and personal lives, for the last two years I’ve been doing my best to steer this ship on my own.

   Since then, I have done everything in my power to keep things moving through Post Production. Through multiple editors stepping off the project midway, starting us back at the beginning, before finally reaching picture lock. Through numerous VFX artists delaying for months before admitting they hadn’t completed anything and moving on. Through several days of insert & pickup shoots. Through weekly score and VFX meetings and hundreds of hours of video and audio post-production work, and occasionally when I get a chance, updating our Social Media.. I have given up numerous career opportunities, and more personal social plans than I can count. And none of that is meant to be me looking for sympathy. But when I tell you that we are here, busting our butts working to get this done, and that we’re just as eager to see it completed as any of you, I want you to understand how much I truly mean that.  In Regards to Questions About our Budget:

It has been brought to my attention that there were some serious questions and rumors circulating regarding the film’s budget, and how funds were allocated. I went back through all of our records, and totaled things up to come up with a total of what the numbers actually ended up being. Filmmaking, especially something like TGS, is expensive. But for anyone with questions, I would like to take a minute to go through the exact numbers: • Equipment Rental: 31.3% Obviously the biggest chunk of the budget, this covered the camera and lens rentals, the steadicam rig rental, the lighting and grip equipment rentals (Dolly tracks, stands, lights, disposables, etc), as well as sound recording equipment through three separate rounds of filming. This ran us more than our Kickstarter estimate, though less than our Indiegogo estimate.

• Transportation: 26.9% This covered everything from truck rentals to haul all of the equipment and set dressings, to shuttle vans for the cast and crew, to gas, to flights to bring back members of the cast who had moved after Principal Photography. While Transpo is usually a significant portion of the budget on major productions, it isn’t on smaller student projects, and this ate a large portion of our budget. But we had locations all over New England, and a significant number of our team were students without their own means of transportation. This was an area where our producers definitely really undershot the budget, unfortunately. • Locations 19.3% Another one of the major factors separating us from other student and fan film  projects. To capture the look and feel of Hogwarts, we shot at a number of incredible locations across New England, from a castle, to several churches, and a museum. But venues like that, often used for Weddings, aren’t cheap. We were prepared for that. What we weren’t prepared for was having to schedule additional days in these venues (I will come back to this).

Production Design, Props, Wardrobe, and Makeup 11.6% Self explanatory, but yes. All of the School Uniforms for our cast and extras. Other costumes for the cast, from their casual clothes to the Professors’ costumes, and more. Props and set dressing. Furniture. All the little stuff you likely won’t notice when it’s there, but are what make the scenes come to life. We managed to stay under budget on this one.

Crafty/Meals 6.3% This is one  of the categories I’ve seen a lot of rumors and accusations circling around, so I feel I need to explain this: Feeding your team on set is standard protocol. When they’re working 12-14 hours a day, there isn’t time for people to grocery shop and meal prep before work, or for people to venture out to grab lunch (nor was there much around many of these locations). Let alone, all of these people were taking time off of work, unpaid, to be there.  A warm meal is the bare minimum we could do. That said, I think there might have been some misconceptions because previous budgets described it simply as crafty, leading some people to believe this part of the budget just accounted for a table of snacks, instead of the reality of this section of the budget covering all food/beverage costs. We actually ended up staying well under budget in this category.

Production 2.4% This one isn’t particularly interesting. Basically miscellaneous. Various little expenses that don’t fall into other categories. Fees, office supplies, legal advice, printing scripts and sides, etc. About what we budgeted on the IGG budget.

Post Production 2.2% While none of our post team are paid, this covers costs like Dropbox, Stock Footage, and the software we purchased for our composer. 

    When we started this project, almost all of us were students. Students with a dream of continuing the world of our favorite franchise, of telling the story we’d always wanted to see told. But we were students nonetheless, still growing, still learning our craft, still making plenty of mistakes along the way. After this project and several years of experience in the field, I can say there were places where we could have trimmed some of the fat. But beyond the basic costs of producing a film like this, the big thing that drove up the budget was just bad luck/human error. I’ve spoken about it before, but during principal photography, there was a power glitch during a footage transfer that corrupted data and lost us several days of filming that we had to go back and reshoot. And unfortunately during the first round of pickups in 2015, an error by our producer cost us the use of one of our main locations, resulting in us needing to bring everyone back and do a second round of pickups: Re-Renting gear and transportation, booking more days at the location (who decided to jack up their price), etc. Because of this, the crowdfunding budget was spent before we finished that third round of filming. I know that statement is going to upset people, but we’re making a point of transparency here, and it’s a significant piece of what I’ve been avoiding making public. Since 2015, I’ve been covering everything since then out of my own pocket. Because while it wasn’t my errors that cost us, the other producers have all left the project, and at the end of the day, this is my project, my baby, that I am determined to see through to completion. Because you, our fans, and our dedicated team all deserve to see it done.     I know the next question following that will be regarding Backer Perks - Don’t worry, they won’t be affected. Most of them are already here in boxes, ready and waiting. However, there are still a couple things remaining, first and foremost the DVDs of the film, which obviously can’t be printed until the project is completed. Because of this, and the fact that the vast majority of backers are receiving DVDs, they’re unfortunately going to have to wait until then to go out. I have been putting money away for the last few years to cover the cost of DVD Printing and Shipping, and it’s all ready and waiting for post to be completed. And I know a lot of you have asked about this - Once we’re at that point, we’ll get in contact with everyone receiving packages to confirm their current address before mailing!    So yes, it’s been a long and difficult journey. It’s taken far longer than any of us planned. We’ve had dozens of team members come and go, but no matter what, we’ve kept working. Because we love this world, we love this project, and we love you guys. None of this would have been possible without you. All of the pieces are starting to come together, and I could not possibly be more excited to share it with all of you.  Until then,  Mischief Managed Aaron

[comedianrobotmaster]

PSA for future Megaman design sketches

[Sorry for being inactive on here for quite a while, college got busy, but I’m managing to stay on top of it for now.] So, up until this point the re-designs I’ve been drawing and formulating have stayed relatively close to the source material [ and Ariga’s wonderful designs/style], the next batch including the star-droids from megaman V, robot-masters from megaman 3, and a select few others will have different distinct styles due to some differences of interpretation [I guess it could be called ‘headcannons’ as well]. Some of it could be considered too weird, so below I’ll type a brief warning for the major differences of some design points for each re-design. [P.S. I finished the re-design sketches for Mercury, I chose to post this first because it’s a PSA and it would defeat the purpose because its one of the re-designs included on here- it will be posted shortly.]

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Since the Stardriods are from outer space and technically ‘aliens’, I decided to go the horror/deeply unsettling theme with their designs mainly because anything from outer space is probably going to appear otherworldly and unsettling anyways; they will still be from outer space, they will still look ‘alien’ like, but still retain some aspects of their original designs.

The Stardroids, as a whole, is a intergalactic gang headed by Ra-Moon, who are ruthlessly set out to destroy any inhabited planet in their path- the group is diverse with some being organic organisms, cybernetic beings, heavily modified cyborgs, and highly advanced alien robots [each of them also serves a role on the space ship they travel in, I don’t want to spoil too much here so I’ll leave those details in their re-design descriptions.]

Mercury, since he poses the ability to turn into a green slime and have a weapon that saps away energy, I thought it would make more sense if he was the green morphing slime because it seemed more likely, out of the countless galaxies out there, that a living [and horrific] organism would have those characteristics than a robot made as an experiment. 

Venus is a unsettling man-sized alien lobster/crustacean that wears a weaponized robotic suit of armor that features orbs that emit a high intensity of electric bolts in nearly every direction. [It seemed logical that a group of aliens from various different galaxies/planets wouldn't necessarily be all humanoid in shape and appearance.]

Neptune, Jupiter and Uranus are Cyborgs; Neptune is an intelligent eel-like alien connected into a robotic combat suit/life-support system- Jupiter was once mostly an organic alien, but overtime dedicated almost the rest of his body as a specialized weapon system, only his brain remains inside of his weaponized shell. Uranus was once organic, but made the decision to replace his entire body [except his brain] body with cybernetic enhancements after he started to degrade with age. [I figured some diversity was a good thing here with their own individual reasons for being cyborgs.]

Pluto was formerly a cyborg, but eventually uploaded his mind into a digital format to become completely robotic with some help from Terra. [Since Pluto is associated with being a god of the underworld, I went to various lengths into making his re-design show that aspect by making it look as unsettling and alien as I possibly could while also retaining Pluto’s cat-like nature/traits.]His overall appearance could be best described as terrifying since he has four spider-like arms with retractable swards, a absurdly tall and thin body, a long flexible neck covered in translucent fur, [actually based this part off of cats because my cat at home appears to have a vary short fluffy neck one moment, the next moment she spots something on the ceiling and extends her neck to full length; its quite funny looking, but also has the potential to be somewhat unsettling when this same kind of characteristic is seen in something less cute/fluffy and more unfamiliar.] and a horizontal helmet with a smooth digital screen instead of a face [The screen has a simplistic tamagotchi-cat face/emojis on it to show emotions].

Terra is cybernetic, meaning he [and the super advanced world he came from] was born robotic with all of the perks of being a robot. His appearance is alien-like, but still humanoid; and instead of having a large mane of green hair, he has abstract shapes in the general shape of glowing neon green hair being projected by a holographic grid-like system along his head [I tried to shy away from hair when it came to aliens (with the exception being Pluto) because I felt it was too specific to be found on another planet with nearly the same characteristics/placement].

Saturn and Mars are advanced robots built by Terra; they have individual personalities and Advanced A.I.- Saturn's design is specialized in that his entire torso could spin independently from his lower waist to maximize his disk throwing [Seemed like a interesting design choice that also served a function]; Mars’ design features a vary heavy build with nearly every part of him doubling as weapon of some sort [He is going to appear slightly chubby, but chubby with weapons].

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Since Megaman 3 took place in outer space on eight different planets with the Energy Elements on said planets; the re-designs of the robot-masters are going to be space themed with some characteristics based on real spacesuits [don’t worry, they'll still look like Megaman robot-masters]. I won’t list all eight on here, but here are a key few:

Topman’s re-design features multiple industrial cutting lasers on his upper torso- so when he spins to attack, everything around him is sliced up by the lasers. [I figured that was way more efficient then just the spinning for an attack]

Snakeman’s re-design, since he was built to explore tight areas on foreign planets/ruins, features flexible, air pump-based joints and frame to allow him to crawl into any crevice so long as his helmet could fit [basically, he has no solid joints and framework to limit his flexibility in his limbs and body].

Shadowman’s re-design, since he was found in ruins and is hinted at having an alien origins, is mainly going to appear similar to a stardriod because of the alien aspect, however he will still be humanoid with a human-like face like an average robot-master.

[P.S. I’m not tagging this as a official ‘PSA’ mainly because it only has to do with my re-designs and nothing too major (and also I don’t wan’t an angry digital mob to swarm upon me on here)]

[goodproofingwater]

Wildfire Records: Breaking America - Chapter Twenty-Two

Word count: 1985 Playlist: Love on Top - Beyonce press play when you see the *

Notes: I just want to thank everyone who has stuck with wildfire through all 45 chapters, for everyone who has sent me messages of support and who has loved these characters as much as I have, especially @crucioprongs who even asked to see the places that inspired scenes when he was in London. Wildfire will always be my baby and although I’m not really ready to let it go, sometimes you have to set the things you love free! If you miss them, the characters will always be available to request from, and I will always oblidge because to be honest I miss them already! It will also always be available here to re-read! Thank you again.

The news of Josh and Victoria being back together became apparent to everyone that evening, the two taking the opportunity of an empty bus while everyone was still at the after-party to consummate their relationship, but the two had so much time to catch up for that it continued long into the night.

When Josh got up to get water he noticed that both Andy and Danny had moved to the spare bunk and Juliet’s bunk respectively, and although he wanted to apologise, the thought was pushed firmly from his mind as Victoria quite literally blew his mind.

It was 5am by the time they stopped pushing each other to the brink of pleasure, and she finally felt right falling asleep in his arms. The smell of his cologne mixed with the smell of sex relaxing her and lulling her into such good sleep that even though they had to get up earlier than usual for soundcheck she felt completely rested.

The same could not be said for anyone else but Josh.

“Did you have to keep going all night?” Juliet spoke over her second cup of coffee, staring into the brown liquid as if it would be able to tell her the secret to waking up after such poor quality sleep.

“I didn’t really notice that it was so late…” Victoria spoke, still on the high that she had from both multiple orgasms and post-orgasm sleep. She was about to apologise once more when Josh walked out of the shower room in nothing but his boxers and her eyes fell to him, the beautiful man who had given her so much pleasure, had told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and she bit down on her lip as he smirked at her.

“Oh for God’s sake…” Juliet shook her head and rolled her eyes as she caught sight of what her friend was staring at, and although she sounded angry there was a small smile on her face which told Victoria just how happy she was for them. And she was.

Juliet and Danny had felt the full brunt of everything that had happened around them and had spent most of the time trying to deal with a deservedly forlorn Josh, a version of Victoria which none of them had ever met before and Andy who was doing everything in his power not to relapse and take Victoria for his own. The two had always been the ones without any drama, but it seemed crazy to have to deal with so much of other peoples. Luckily everything seemed to have worked itself out, and as Juliet tucked herself into Danny’s body for an afternoon nap after soundcheck she felt more content than she had done in weeks.

Two weeks went past mostly the same, with everyone trying to stay out of the bus and laughing as Josh and Victoria made unceremonious escapes from any group situation in order to “make up for lost time”. It wasn’t until the night before the gig in San Francisco exactly fourteen days after Josh and Victoria got back together that the group sat backstage playing quarters as they heard the crowd forming outside.

“Do you think that you’re done with this crazy streak you two are on?” Andy spoke, sipping his beer with a smirk on his face which was only made worse when one of the girls that worked at the venue walked past in a short skirt, “You’re making it hard for the rest of us to bring girls back y’no..”

“Speak for yourself,” Danny grinned and Juliet couldn’t help but laugh at him, rolling her eyes as she sipped on her gin and tonic

“I’m not sure man,” Josh grinned, squeezing Victoria’s thigh and she licked her lips at the movement,

“I’m sure we could continue our streak somewhere else to you wanted to bring a girl back...although I thought you had a thing for fucking in green rooms?” She teased and he smirked at her, shaking his head as he chuckled,

“I save that exclusively for shitty cocaine-fuelled radio deals, but I appreciate you remembering my preference,” He winked before he stood up and walked in the direction of the girl who was talking to one of the stage managers, and Victoria couldn’t help but laugh and shake her head and how blatant he was being.

“Got his confidence back without the coke then?” She offered to the group and Danny nodded, “He got an email saying that they’ve sent his 60-day sober chip in the mail this morning, I’ve never seen him so excited about anything.”

“God we’re going to have to get earplugs aren’t we?” Juliet grinned as she looked between Andy and the girl and Josh and Victoria and Victoria chuckled and laughed, “We’ll keep it down…”

The run-up to the show was running smoothly even with Andy sneaking off with the girl to get a drink, and Danny and Josh stood at the side of the stage watching people chanting for them. It was unreal that they had come this far, that they had gone from playing shitty little venues in San Francisco to small venues in London, and now they were playing the same stage that they had watched some of the greats perform on. Victoria and Juliet had been a godsend, had helped them more than they had ever expected anyone to help and had brought them further than they had ever expected. None of the band really thought that the time in London would bring them anything but life experience, had expected to come home and have to get normal jobs with the promise of weekly band jams fading into history as they got increasingly more stressed. But here they were, performing for thousands of hometown fans, known internationally and represented by an independent record label which allowed them to do what they wanted with their music.

The merch that Victoria had put on their online store was selling out faster than they could order the shirts in, and she was liaising with new designers each day to find new products to put on the site. Juliet was incredible with the money side of the business, ensuring that royalties were being distributed and even charging the venues that they had booked in advance for The Dangers to perform as they almost all of the venues on the west coast had to release more tickets due to them selling out so quickly. They even had a European tour booked in for a few months time, and Victoria had been speaking to international contacts to see if there was a way for them to go even further afield.

They had never expected in their wildest dreams that they would be standing backstage at their favourite music venue with everything they had ever dreamed of. But for Danny, there was one more step to take.

“You sure you’re ready?” Josh spoke as he smiled at his friend, the drummer's hands shaking as he swallowed thickly. Josh had never seen Danny this nervous, and he knew that this had nothing to do with performing for a home crowd, or the fact that the girls would be meeting the parents after the show.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for months so it’s definitely right time… I just hope that she’s okay with the way I do it.”

Andy came up behind them sipping water and wrapped his arms around both of them, “Ready boys?” he grinned, and after a nod and Josh’s traditional hug with Victoria, they ran on stage to perform the final show in their first American tour.

Half way through their set, Victoria and Juliet were standing side stage and watching them, and they were so used to the setlist now that it surprised them when Josh and Andy called Danny to centre stage between two songs which were supposed to be played one after the other.

“So San Fran… I don’t know if you know this but this is our home town show, the last show on the most amazing tour of our lives, and we want to take this opportunity to thank every one of you for coming out tonight.” Josh spoke into the mic as they all grinned down at fans who were holding signs bearing their names, wearing their faces on their t-shirts - it was all so unreal.

“But most of all, we want to thank the girls who have made this happen. Without them, we would still be playing in Danny’s garage or in tiny little venues in London. Come out here…” Josh beckoned them both and Victoria swallowed, nervous at first until he came and took her hand, dragging her and Juliet to the middle of the stage in front of a massive crowd of people.

“These girls quite literally changed our lives,” Andy spoke, his arm around Victoria as she stood between him and Danny, “And it’s only right that they get the recognition they deserve so give it up for Wildfire Records!”

*The crowd erupted, and Victoria grinned between her friends and the crowd, thanking them and walking over to give Josh a kiss, knowing how much he loved public affection.

“And uh... I just have something else I wanna say...” Danny took the mic from Andy who stood back, a smile on his face which Victoria couldn’t place, and Josh began to play a sweet melody which made her smile, but not as much as what happened next.

“Juliet… since the day I met you, I’ve felt like you’re the only person in this world who truly understands me, who knows my thoughts before I say them out loud, the only woman strong enough to help me through everything that life has thrown our way. The only woman who could deal with my friend's dramas and the only woman who could stop me losing all my money in Vegas.” He grinned at her, chuckling as she did but her expression of joviality turned to total shock as he pulled a small box from his pocket and got down on one knee. The crowd screamed, and Victoria looked between the boys in total shock that they had kept this from her too,

“There is no one in this universe that I would rather spend my life with and I want everyone to know it.” He grinned at the crowd, his hands shaking as he opened the box to show of a sparkling diamond ring inlaid with emeralds to match her hair, “Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Will you marry me?”

Tears immediately fell from Juliet's eyes, and she nodded before she could even say anything, and he stood and picked her up, spinning her around as the crowd roared for them, Victoria leaning against Josh as tears began to well up in her eyes. 

Josh pressed a soft kiss to his girlfriends cheek before he ran over to Danny and hugged him and Andy wrapped his arms around Juliet, each member of the band hugging the girls until Andy took back the microphone, “Alright now that cuteness is out of the way, lets get back to showing you guys a good time yeah?” The crowd screamed and the girls made their way off stage, Victoria grinning wider than she felt she ever had done as her friend did the same, and the two didn’t even watch the rest of the show for looking at the ring and discussing plans for the wedding.

And so the tour was over, the band had successfully broken America and came back to England with a few months left on their original trip plan and a determination to tour more of the world, to see more countries, to play to more people and to share their ongoing happiness with others.

[thatsamoireh]

Moncton show and meet & greet recap! I put together my thoughts about the show, my meet & greet experience, photos of the things I made them, and their reactions. It got wordy.

Here’s a preview in the form of some bald skater babies pre-hair styling.

Thoughts about the Moncton show:

We were in the third row but I was behind/between two incredibly tall women. I could see if I moved my head a lot and I still ultimately had a fantastic view but it made photos and videos pretty impossible. A couple sort of came out so I’ll post those later.

 I knew I couldn’t keep myself entirely unspoiled but I wanted to enjoy the show in the moment as much as possible. I’d let myself watch videos of VM’s solo things as much as I wanted, the group numbers fully exactly once each, and no one else’s solos at all though I knew what the songs were.

Tessa and Scott skating live in person was still a thing I wasn’t prepared for because can you ever be? They are so in tune with each other. They have to be able to do programs like MR in their sleep at this point but there were little moments and touches and looks that made it seem like a brand new unique experience at both shows I went to. MR was so intense, 4 Minutes was so playful, and Diamonds was so... elegant? Graceful? Regal? Tessa is a queen. Scott knows it, we all know it, and that dance showcases her so breathtakingly. The gasps when she skated out in her diamond bodysuit. I’ll never forget that.

I can’t get over how much FUN Scott was having, particularly during group performances and the moments that he could interact with the audience. That boy is having the time of his life and he deserves it.

I was particularly blown away by two non-VM things that took me by surprise: First, Patrick is unreal on the ice in person. Wow. WOW. Videos don’t do him justice. W O W. Second, I loved Weapo’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody so much. It’s my favorite thing they’ve ever done. More of this from them, please.

One of the best parts was my friend’s reactions during the show since she had no idea at all what was going to happen and was mostly there to humor me. After Moulin Rouge: “...Um. Okay, yeah. I ship it.” After Phantom: “Has Patrick Chan ever fallen once in his life? It feels like he was born ice skating.” After I Weapo’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody: “Okay, so now I’m crying.” After Sweet Dreams: “That was cool. Scott definitely had the best sunglasses.” She was so concerned for Meagan’s safety whenever Eric spun her around that she kept making these little alarmed noises. 

After the dance off as Elvis was talking to the crowd, Scott skated up behind him in the way that I could just tell was going to be a last show prank situation. For a hot second I thought he might pants him which would have been a terrible idea but he either poked his sides or pulled UP on the back Elvis’ pants instead. Elvis startled and turned and shot him a look that meant Scott might pay for that later. I am SO sad that Scott’s back was to me because I would have loved to have seen his face during all that.

The cheering was pretty equal so Meagan said Elvis should break the tie since it was his last show which got Elvis a big cheer too. He couldn’t/wouldn’t declare a winner so Meagan went into Dancing Queen.

Elvis got standing ovations after his skates and he was clearly getting emotional and taking it all in as his last show on the tour. I’m not sure if the crowd even really knew it was his last show after his Dragon skate yet (Meagan said it during the dance off and the crowd reaction kind of implied they maybe didn’t know), which means they all just really appreciated him that much. MR, Patrick’s Phantom, and Eric/Patrick’s Storm all also got standing o’s to my recollection. Plus the finale of course.

During the encore after a moment when they were all grouped together at center ice, Elvis started skating out like they’re supposed to but everyone else stayed put and did some ta-da arms to give him a special little last show send off. He put his hand on his heart and knelt down and it was all so sweet.

There are more things that I’m forgetting right now probably. Oops?

My Moncton meet & greet experience:

Okay. So. I make and sell amigurumi crochet dolls. Here are my Hamilton and Hocus Pocus dolls, to give you an idea of the kinds of things I make.

I decided before the tour that I’d make the nine of them to give the cast at my meet & greet in Moncton. (Thanks to @peacefulboo for the cheerleading along the way!) Here they are done but still hairless, which in my opinion is peak cuteness honestly. Please, please don’t repost any of my doll or m&g photos anywhere, thanks!

And fully done. Photos never do my dolls’ hair justice, I swear. They’re better in real life I promise. (I’ll put more close ups at the end of the post in case anyone is interested.)

I’d decided to do everyone’s Pyeongchang free skate/free dance costumes but wasn’t sure which to make for Elvis until I saw he was doing Dragon for the tour. So I did his Olympic Dragon costume, complete with his 1994 hairstyle. He was so nice and as he was putting the doll down on the table he noticed the hair and pointed it out, laughing. When he got home, he regrammed his wife’s Instagram post featuring my doll (!!!) and their dog’s reaction made my LIFE. (Screencaps near the end of this post.)

Kaitlyn and Andrew got so excited about the dolls. I told Kaitlyn that her dress ended up being the hardest by far to recreate in doll form and she slapped her hands on the table, leaned in toward me, and said, so earnestly, “IT WAS SO HARD TO MAKE IN REAL LIFE TOO!” Meanwhile Andrew was smiling hugely and moving his doll’s legs to make him dance. I love them both so much.

Meagan wondered at me about how I make things like this (which like, it’s all relative I guess because I wonder at how she can do the things she does on the ice) and Eric got a little grin and told me that he loved that I did his sheer sleeves. (I think Eric’s doll might have secretly been my favorite, or at least tied with Tessa. The stubble really made it.)

Just as we were about to get in Patrick and Kaetlyn’s line Tessa went hurrying past us out of the room with someone in a tour jacket. She was smiling, so my guess is that nature called and she couldn’t wait anymore to answer. (No idea if that’s true, just a guess.) I looked over at Scott and he didn’t look concerned, was just wandering around, joking with Patrick, drinking a smoothie.

As the cast members near the start of the lineup finished up with fans they were leaving. The m&g music was excellent (my friend got confirmation from Scott that it was Andrew’s playlist that night) and Kaitlyn was dancing as she headed for the door just as Tessa was coming back in a few minutes later. They had a little dance party (the song was Hey Ya I’m 98% sure) as they danced toward each other, danced together for few seconds laughing, and then Tessa danced all the way back to her signing table. Scott loudly announced, “MS. VIRTUE HAS RETURNED!”

Before he sat down again, Scott crept silently up behind Patrick and poked him in both of his sides, making him jump mid-sentence while talking to the fan at his table. Scott grinned, so proud of himself, and it was pretty amazing.

I stayed with my friend L in Fredericton during this trip. We’ve known each other for 18 years and she’s in the States a lot so I’ve seen her in real life several times over the years but this is the first time I’ve been able to go visit her. Due to a last minute emergency my other friend that was going to drive up from NY for the shows with me couldn’t come, so L humored me and came along since I had the extra tickets. She remembered Elvis from her childhood skating phase and she knew who VM were in the casual way many Canadians do. So she wanted photos with those three but otherwise was perfectly happy to volunteer to be my mom friend and hold the little gift bags with the dolls and the Orlando postcards I’d made up for them.

I mention this because there was someone working for the venue/tour at the head of each line to use our phones/cameras to take our one photo per person for us in order to keep the lines moving along relatively quickly (note: I never felt the slightest bit rushed and everyone was lovely). When we got to the front of Patrick and Kaetlyn’s line the woman there had apparently seen me give the others their dolls and sort of wink-wink said that if my friend wasn’t getting a photo with Patrick and Kaetlyn she could “donate” it and that I should definitely take a second photo with the two of them and their dolls, too. It was so sweet of her to suggest and the photo came out so cute that I’m gonna share it.

Most of the designated camera people actually did take multiple photos, which was nice. Before my first photo with Patrick and Kaetlyn (before I gave them the dolls) Patrick had looked over at Scott and started laughing at something he must have said that I couldn’t hear. In my couple photos, Patrick went from laughing-at-Scott smiling to normal smiling and it’s quite an adorable progression.

My friend L went up to Tessa and Scott before me. Go Your Own Way was the song currently playing and we had been dancing to it in line. As L went up for her photo she joked to Scott that she should probably stop dancing now. He got this shocked look on his face and said, “NO! Never stop dancing!” She joked that she’d be blurry for the photo if she didn’t and he admitted that she had a point.

Can I just say that Tessa Virtue is radiant in person? Like, I expected it and they are all strikingly attractive humans, but Tessa just… glows or something. And Scott’s eyes are so kind. I can get very awkward turtle meeting people I admire but Scott and Tessa have this warmth that just puts you at ease right away. 

(Please, please don’t repost any of my doll or m&g photos anywhere, thanks!)

While Tessa and Scott were signing my flag I told them I’d come up from Florida to see them and how it was the first time I’d been able to visit L in our 18 years of friendship. L and I thanked them for putting together the tour so I had the excuse. Scott perked up and said, “Oh yeah? Where in Florida?” (I’m guessing he was curious if it was near where he’d recently visited so he’d have a frame of reference? Idk.)

I gave them the dolls and they both smiled so big while examining them intensely. I was a little overwhelmed so I can’t remember what Scott said to me exactly but part of it was, “You made this?” Tessa said something about how amazing it was that I could make them and I told her I had a little business, which I thought she would appreciate in a girl power kind of way. I told her that I’d made her doll first since I suspected it would be the most complicated (little did I know how Kaitlyn’s dress would prove me so, so wrong there) and it would make or break if I was going to be able to make the rest. She said she loved the details on the dress a lot and was going to show Mathieu and that he’d love it too. (!!!)

In conclusion they are all lovely, talented angels. I had such an amazing time and the show alone was 110% worth my trip to Canada, plus I still had another show in Saint John on Tuesday and all the adventures/hangouts with L over the long weekend too.

Okay, some closeups of the dolls and progress shots. I didn’t get every angle I’d have liked and photos don’t ever do their hair justice, but in case anyone is curious. Also, pardon my crafting mess in the backgrounds.

Seventeen little ice skates starched (so the blades stay semi-firm) and drying. The eighteenth was already dry and had a leg crocheted to it as a proof of concept that it would work. It would eventually become Tessa’s leg and skate, which seemed fitting.

Details on still-headless Tessa. I used sheer organza ribbon for parts of Tessa, Scott, Eric, and Kaitlyn’s costumes.

Details on still-headless Scott.

Tessa and Scott. Tessa has a bun like Kaetlyn’s but low on the back of her head.

Some screencaps from Elvis’ regram of his wife’s Instagram post. His dog’s reaction made my LIFE.

Kaitlyn and Andrew. Andrew was the easiest doll to make, while Kaitlyn was the hardest. Oh, Weapo.

Kaitlyn’s hair, which I think was my favorite hair.

Meagan and Eric. Meagan’s back was entirely covered in those jewels and I didn’t realize I never got a photo of it.

Kaetlyn. Her dress was fun to do but the embroidery thread stitching took forever.

Kaetlyn from the back. (Her bun looks lopsided from the angle of the photo.)

Patrick. I tried my best to recreate the swoopy neckline from his free skate costume and... sort of succeeded?

If you made it this far, honestly I’m impressed. Possibly some show photos to coming soon, along with my recap/photos from Saint John. (I already posted two videos from that show in case you missed them.)

[k1ll-ur-vibe]

hey! thanks for visiting my blog.

i’m jade, i’m 20 years old and i live in south wales in the uk. my pronouns are she/her and i am bisexual. i’m single.

i love music, writing, body modification, bdsm, gaming, tv shows, genealogy, true crime and rugby. my favourite music genre is pop-punk and my favourite band is all time low. i love atl to death, they have helped me so much and saved my life. their music means the fucking world to me and i can’t even express just how much i love them. i own multiple copies of their CDs, DVDs and vinyls, and a shit ton of merch. i have seen them 9 times and met them 3 times. they’ve also noticed me a bunch of times and some of the guys have started recognising me at this point which is really cool. i’ve loved them for nearly 7 years and they are such an integral part of my personality and life at this point, it’s unreal. <3 if you’re friends with me, you’re gonna hear about atl every single day and you need to accept that.

other than pop-punk, i love all different genres and have a very varied music taste. some artists other than atl that i love are simple creatures, busted, lights, little mix, mcfly, the maine, marianas trench, jojo, ed sheeran, demi lovato, breathe carolina, cupcakke and hayley kiyoko.

i write songs, play guitar, bass and drums, sing, read music and am experienced in in-studio and live sound engineering. music is my life, it’s what i live and breathe. i currently work in events staff, helping put on concerts and rugby matches which are 2 of the things i love the most.

i write stories online and have had some pretty popular fics before. i write both fan fiction and own universe stories and i take part in nanowrimo every year. most of my stories will go up on quotev and/or mibba. you can view my profiles on those websites here and here. you can view my nanowrimo profile here.

through writing fan fiction, i have met friends who have made my life so much better and become my family. i met 2 of my best friends, dominique and alexandria, on quotev and i wouldn’t change them for the world. <3 i’m finally meeting dominique in march but unfortunately, alexandria and i still have to wait a little longer. but we’ll get there, i know we will. :) i’ve known both of these girls for nearly 7 years and i just love them so much. <3 i can’t wait to finally break the distance with my sisters. :)

i love body modification. i currently have 3 tattoos and pierced ears but i want so, so much more. i currently want 24 more tattoos plus an entire sleeve, 10 more piercings and stretched ears. all the tattoos i have currently are atl related (therapy and skull tattoos on my left arm, plus atl’s signatures on my upper back) and i love them so much. however, the next tattoo i intend to get is non-atl related but i still have plenty more atl-related stuff to get done, including the sleeve (it will be based on my fave album, nothing personal’s artwork). :)

i am highly into bdsm and am a submissive. before the tumblr purge, i had a bdsm blog but now, since i’ve had to delete it, anything that i can get away with will be posted here. some of my kinks include bondage, pain, torture, degradation and humiliation, dd/lg and watersports. i’ve struggled with my sexuality a lot over the years and part of that has been a struggle with accepting that i’m kinky. but i refuse to let it bother me anymore. i am into bdsm and if people don’t like it, that’s their problem. i will be posting bdsm-related things on this blog so if you’re not into that, please don’t follow me. however, i will try my best to tag everything as both bdsm and nsfw so if you are able to block those tags in any way and still want to follow me, please feel free to do so. :)

i love video games and my favourite games are the gta games (my faves are prob gta san andreas and gta5. however, i am currently making my way through gta4 as i didn’t get to play it when it initially came out). i also love tony hawk, sonic, pokemon and the sims. i am currently an xbox player but love playstation and nintendo too. i have fond memories of the gamecube and the ps2 growing up. i’m hoping to play red dead redemption 2 and undertale soon. i think they look awesome and have watched many let’s plays on them. currently playing: gta4, ts4 and pokemon white.

i love tv shows and some of my favourites are the goldbergs, brooklyn nine nine, how i met your mother, friends, stranger things, you, big mouth and the good place. i mostly netflix binge but sometimes will watch live. the only problem is things take a lot longer to come to the uk from the us haha. i used to be a huge fan of sci-fi and i used to blog a lot about supernatural, doctor who and sherlock but have drifted far away from that now (although i still love misha collins and ship destiel/cockles lmao). so if you see one of my old posts, know that i’m not like that anymore. i definitely prefer sitcoms these days but still love a good drama. :)

i love genealogy and have been creating my own family tree since 2015. my 3 favourite genealogy-related tv shows are who do you think you are? (uk version), heir hunters, and long lost family. i love finding out about my family history and what made me, me really. i get that it’s a super nerdy thing to be into but quite frankly, i don’t care haha.

i’m super interested in true crime and the psychology surrounding it. eleanor neale is my favourite youtuber but a close second is georgia marie. i also love buzzfeed unsolved, both true crime and supernatural editions. i frequently binge true crime docu-series on netflix and i really want to study psychology at some point. i just think it’s so fascinating to think about what must have to break in someone’s brain to make them so violent and/or evil.

being welsh, i of course adore rugby. and of course, i root for wales. the venue i work at is the home venue for wales and it makes me so proud. i would love to meet one of the team one day, probably leigh halfpenny specifically. i feel that rugby is just so much better than football and the fanbases tend to be way more accepting of each other. and the game is way more fun to watch. but unfortunately, i don’t think i’ll ever be strong or brave enough to actually play it haha.

i unfortunately struggle with a few illnesses that can sometimes make life a daily battle but i get through it. i have polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos), which causes irregular periods, cysts on the ovaries, rapid weight gain and difficulty losing weight, hirsutism, male-pattern balding, acne and infertility. i have pretty much every symptom (but i haven’t tried getting pregnant yet so i don’t know about infertility) and it is hell. i also suffer with a few mental illnesses; depression, social anxiety disorder and OCD. i used to self-harm but am now over 5 years clean and i also have attempted suicide in the past but am thankfully not suicidal right now. i take 40 mg fluoxetine daily to manage my mental illnesses and i also see a support worker to help me get out more and build my confidence. i’ve been through both child and adult therapy services in the past. anyone who’s reading this and is struggling too, please stay strong. <3 i promise there are better days out there for you.

i hope you enjoy looking at my blog and that you give me a follow if you want! bye, peeps. <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #177

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up.”

What’s your favorite flavor of ice pop? Strawberry or watermelon. Do you like animal print? What’s your favorite print? Not particularly, but I suppose jaguar. What do you think of foot tattoos? Surprisingly, not a big fan. It's gotta be cute, well-placed, and small. Did your senior class in high school have a class trip? Where did you go? Maybe? I don't remember. What do you normally order at Dunkin Donuts? Chocolate frosted. What do you drink with dinner? It varies. Can be soda, water, milk... Peanuts or sunflower seeds? I don't like either. What is your favorite grocery store to shop at, and how often do you shop for groceries? Sam's Club totally has the best deals, but I don't make the shopping calls here. Who is your favorite character from the last movie you watched? Uhhh the super paranoid lady whose actress is a legend. Where did you have your first kiss? What about your last kiss? His bed; airport. What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? Phone bill. Who do you feel you have the most in common with? Sara. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Myself. Have you ever apologized to someone, but didn’t mean it? I'm sure at some point. What is the one thing that you can’t resist? Reese's, I sometimes cannooooot tell myself no to a Mtn. Dew Voltage, wanting to pet an animal even if it's dangerous, and uhhh I'm sure there's more. Have you ever done another person's homework for money? No. If you could play any piece of music on an instrument, what would it be? Teach me the ending piece from WKM on the piano so I could ruin myself further than just listening to it already does. Have you ever treated someone like they were nothing? I don't believe so. If you could ask 5 questions and get an exact answer, what would you ask? Oh yikes, deep one. Um... 1.) what is the cure for cancer, 2.) cure for Alzheimer's/dementia, 3.) cure for HIV/AIDS, 4.) how can/is it even possible to obtain world peace, and 5.) will I be stable in the future are what come to mind first. Does it frighten you when animals get into fights? I GET VERY SCARED FOR THE ANIMALS. When you were little did you touch just about everything in the store? YUP YUP YUP. Do you ever leave your drinks out in the open at a party? N/A, but I absolutely would not. Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Yes. Who is someone you’ll always hate? No one I personally know. How many people do you trust 100 percent? Just one. I would include Mom, but I know she lies about Dad. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? NO, I really think I'd lose it and kill myself. Do you often start books, yet never finish them? I don't read, but I'd do that if I didn't like it. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? Idr. Does the sight of blood gross you out? No. Have you ever gone through a red light? No. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? No. What is your favorite eye color in the opposite sex? Blue. When you are sad, do you cheer yourself up, or look to others? It depends, but I usually begin with the former. During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 can been damned by God themselves. Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yes. Have you ever eaten grass/leaves? Probably as a kid. Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yeah! Apple flavor is the bomb.com. Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? Ryder, my nephew. Who makes you smile the most often? Sara Jane. :') How do you express your happiness? I'm louder, more talkative, goofier. When was the last time you did a good deed? Uhhh idk. It's a tiny thing, but I suppose you could count me getting my old man bub with arthritis up on the bed when he wanted up. What songs make you happy? Lots... Do you like to sing? Sometimes, but I'm not good at it. Where is somewhere that holds fond memories for you? Ummm the little pond behind the community college where we took our first prom photos. That whole day was just extremely magical, and passing it is a severe PTSD trigger so if for whatever reason we're driving past there, Mom goes around it. I did pass it a few months back when I was taking pictures of flowers around the college and I was okay, probably because I didn't even glance at it. What do you think of the gothic stereotype? # A E S T H E T I C Have you ever encountered a black widow? Yup. What scares you, more than anything else? Ending up alone/losing all those I love. Has an animal ever peed on you? Lol yeah...  Pet rodents have multiple times when getting them accustomed to being held, a puppy probably has, and Venus (my snake) did once after I held her for like an hour, aha. Couldn't be mad at that angel, she was obviously so comfy. What would make a cool substitute color for the sun? Pink. Is purple a good color for a car? Sure. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? Purple; crisper. What is something you like that is sour? Warheads. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some hot wings at BWW with one of the hottest sauces. When was the last time you had a real deep chat? Idk, I'm sure something with Sara. Who did you last see on webcam? I've no idea. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What’s your favorite flavor of Ramen? I only like the spicy chicken Yakisoba ones. Have you ever spent the night in jail? No. Name a really popular television show you never got into: Ha, a lot. Game of Thrones, for one, but I'd be willing to give it a second chance via more episodes and a different attitude and actually kinda want to. Sara, add that to our list. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? No, I don't believe so. I need to start listening to my old friend's band, though, because I really want to support them; they work so hard and are very serious about taking their band somewhere. Nova Mortis if you're interested and like heavy metal. What do you find really interesting? THE PARANORMAL, for one. Genetics, psychology, fossils, abandoned buildings and shacks, natural selection and evolution, outer space, differences in languages and cultures, and so much more. Who is your favorite video game character? Spyro! What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? I like never post pictures, but selfies on FB, then I have two photography Instagrams. Do you remember the first person you felt sexually attracted to? Seriously, Jason. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Is there anything on your bucket list that you’re hoping to cross off soon? A lot of things, but. Probably won't be soon as many include travel. Of all of your friends’ significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? Sam's wife Kieley is an absolute doll; least, idk. What would your life be like if you had married your first love? HAHAHAHAHA I REEEEEAAAAALLY DON'T WANT TO PICTURE THAT KNOWING NOW HE DIDN'T/DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ME AND CAN'T COMMUNICATE FOR SHIT. What is the most difficult or time-consuming thing you’ve ever cooked? Would you make it again? N/A Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? Girt, hardcore. Eventually did, but we know how that went. Is there anything about a person’s sexual past that might stop you from wanting to date them? Yup: if they've assaulted someone, prostitution is involved, casual flings/one-night stands have happened, being/have been a porn star, cheated before. If someone asked your closest friends/family members what career path might suit you best, what do you think they would say? Like, everyone will answer that question with "vet." Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? lol nope I doubt I'd last a day with no technology. Do you use a photo editor? Lightroom, Photoshop, sometimes PhotoScape. Is your dad overweight? Quite the opposite. Ever been honked at? Yeah. Which do you prefer, doctor or dentist? Dentist; I'm never nervous for them. Name two things you put whipped cream on? I haaaate whipped cream. Texture thing. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? Two meerkats grooming, done on a huge thing of burlap. What’s your favorite type of sushi? Never tried, never will. Have you ever had an ulcer? No. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Scarlett. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yup. I had a long insomnia streak where I physically couldn't sleep without Melatonin. What is your current favorite song? I'm hooked on "The Bottom is a Rock" by Mother Mother rn. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Are you jealous of anyone, even mildly? If so, who? Yeah, my sisters, as well as some real successful friends. Have you ever done a craft you saw in a magazine? No. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Celine Dion, Loreena McKennitt, Sebastian Bach, David Draiman, and Amy Lee off the top of my head. What act would you perform in a talent show? I wouldn't, I got nothin'. What area are you the most gifted in, do you think? Um... writing, I guess? Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? BALLGOWN BITCH Do you enjoy editing videos? Ye! Do you enjoy editing photos? Yup. Who do you think is the most attractive actor? I see u Jason Momoa. Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? I don't believe so. Do you believe in reincarnation? No. Do you have any of your neighbors as friends on Facebook? No. When was the last time you thought about sex, or sexual things? Ummm within the past few days probably, at least briefly? Are there any flowers planted outside your house? We have a tall bush that sprouts big, pink flowers, if that counts. Does anyone in your family smoke? Dad. What was the very first election you voted in? I haven't yet. Do you have a drone? No. Are you the type that’s too ashamed to ask for or use directions? No, rather too shy. Were you tired when you woke up this morning? YEAH. I slept like shit and had to get up early for a VR assessment. You overhear two people gossiping about you; what do you do? I feel like I'd say something sarcastic to them. Or be more mature about it and ask why. Or cry. Are you proud of who you are? Eh, only in certain areas... Is your vision good? I can barely read the line below the big "E." So no lmao. Are you a legal adult? Yeah but idk how. Has anyone ever called you a flirt? No. What was the last compliment your received? The assessment lady at VR loved my hair. Do you know any sign language? No. Who was the last person to give you a gift? Sara, on our anniversary. Do you trust the media? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA BITCH NO. If you could kill off one species of animal, which would it be? Can gnats like????? not???????? Idk if they have a single useful function????????? What kind of cookies are your favorite? Chocolate chip. Who’d you last say I love you to? My mom. What’s the most overpaid job in your opinion? I'm not educated on this enough to give you an informed answer. What’s the last thing you wrote down? Working out a math problem during the assessment. When’s the last time you didn’t sleep in your own bed? Over a month ago. When’s the last time you heard a gunshot? Idk. Who’d you get mad at last? Myself. What’s the last thing that annoyed you? Bentley wouldn't listen. When’s the last time you gave someone advice? I think yesterday? Do you think you’re lucky, unlucky, or neither? Neither. Who did you last disappoint? Myself. Do you enjoy learning? Of course!!!! I mean there're subjects I have no interest in and don't enjoy, but learning as a whole is great. People say you learn something new every day, so what did you learn today? Well it was nothing big, but that I could return Miku before she got hurt since Mitsu didn't appreciate a new "buddy." Yes or no: eyebrow piercings? They can look super badass or awful depending on your face and eyebrow thickness imo. When I say The Beatles, what is the first song that comes to mind? "Yellow Submarine" even tho I hate that song???? In your opinion, what is the very worst type of weather? Hot and humid, especially with no breeze. Just no. You can only listen to 1 band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? DON'T MAKE ME. What is something that you had to learn the hard way? DON'T. THINK. A RELATIONSHIP. IS WITHOUT A SINGLE CHANCE. OF. SOMEONE. LEAVING. EVEN. IN THE MOST "SECURE" ONES. When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? Ahhhh I'm not sure. Either something with Mom or Sara. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Mom. If your ex called you right now, would you answer? I don't have his number, so I wouldn't answer. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Sara. Do you want your tongue pierced? It is. 10/10 recommend for cute factor, but 0/10 for the healing process and pain asjfawiwo. Mine's through the very tip of my tongue and because that area is so sensitive, it was so painful that I became immediately nauseous. Pain didn't entirely vanish for almost two weeks. BUT I have zero regrets, so worth it. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yeah. What’s one thing in your life that you wish you could change? Financial position. Have you ever been in a perfect relationship? Ha, don't ever believe those exist. Do you still talk to the person who broke your heart the most? Nope. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Ummm I don't believe so. Well, I don't know if I'd take back going all the way or whatever the fuck that was, maybe I would. idk Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I'm capable, but I don't enjoy it at all. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yeah, being in a shit mood and/or being impulsive with my words. Do you like french fries? Who the FUCK sayin no to this. Have you ever ate so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? To some degree/in certain aspects. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? Probs brownies. Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones? No. Are you good with managing your finances? I don't. Not in that position yet. What is the closest pizza place to your house? Domino's. Do you have any silly nicknames or pet names? Hmmmm no. Are you any good at drawing? Some things. Is there anything unusual about your house? No. Can you maintain a text conversation or do you run out of things to say? I think I'm good at keeping *text* convos going, surprisingly. Do you find it hard to talk to strangers, even people who work in stores? YEAH!!!!!!! Have you ever tasted goat’s milk? No. Did you ever take classes for a musical instrument when you were younger? Yup. Band member all through middle school, stopped after my junior year of HS. Do you snore when you sleep? No, but I talk a loooot. Who is the first person who broke your heart? Dad. Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Jason's dad was in the Navy. What religion are you? Theist, which basically just entails me believing there's a god/goddess/some sorta beginning deity, but hell if I know anything about them. I make my own guesses. Who is the last person you gave a ride to, and where did you take them? I don't have a license or my own car. What is the last thing you untruthfully denied? Hm. I'm not sure. Have you ever ridden on a real train? No. Name ONE good memory about your last ex? He's absolutely hilarious and I miss hanging out more! Would you consider yourself dishonest? Not gonna bullshit and claim I never am, but in general, no. Do you tend to let people break through your walls easily? HAHA YEAH RIGHT. What are you superstitious about? Nothing. What is the coolest thing you can do? Oh boy, hell if I know. I know from experience people are often surprised how even skittish animals/pets seem to be drawn to me; does that count? Is there anyone you want to hook up with that you haven’t? Not my thing.

[stratus-skye07]

Sense Of Love [One] | Minho

Blinded By Fame

[Masterlist]

MINHO

Reaching a certain point in your career you start to think about how you got to this point. Sitting and thinking about the aftermath of winning my fight which will lead me to the championship. A place I’ve been to once before, only this time I’ll win.

Before leaving the building, I have to do my post match interview. It’s not my favorite part of the job but attention is on me and I have to make myself look even better than I already do. I put on my five hundred dollar sunglasses as I approach the podium with multiple microphones aiming at me when all the cameras begin to flash like crazy. Multiple hands go up as the question begin.

“Mr. Choi, how do you feel about the outcome of your fight?”

I shrug my shoulders at such a unoriginal question, “Sore but it came out as expected.”

“You’re going into the finals against Lee Chin-Hwa, are you going to be training even harder for your fight against him?”

“No, if it’s not broken then don’t fix it. I’ve been zooming through the tournament with no problem and I’ll win the same way.”

“You made it this far last year but you ended up losing the finals, aren’t you worried about coming out with the same outcome?”

I’ve tried very hard to forget last years finals but being reminded of it has given me a bitter taste of it. “I have all the confidence that won’t happen this year. I’m done answering question.”

Leaving the building gave me a sense of relaxation with the match being set and done. I worked my ass off just to get back to this point once again. I rose to the top last year but along with bad decisions I ended up losing in the finals. I’ve chosen to not take that path again this time which means nothing will hold me back from winning this year.

Onew, my manager, is driving me home while I take in the ease from be able to finally go home. I browse through the news outlets about tonight’s match and everything good has been said about my win. The only thing that articles tend to focus on is my attitude outside of fighting. Like being a professional fighter means I have to be nice.

Scrolling through more things I notice an article about me and the currently famous model, Jung Bohee. Which reminds me.

“Onew, can you contact Bohee and ask how her schedule is looking. If she’s not too busy let her know that I need to have another meeting with her.”

He nods, “Sure, but how many more meetings are you planning on having until you seal the deal with her?”

“Don’t start that again. You know I don’t have time for that. Meetings with her is as close as I will get to anything you’d want from me.”

“I’m only suggesting.”

“Well don’t, that’s not what I pay you for.”

“Yaah punk, I’m older than you. Just because I’m your manager doesn’t mean you can drop the honorifics and be an asshole to me!”

I plug my headphone into my phone and drown out his annoying rants about being my hyung. We may have grown up together but he’s still under my payroll. I can’t deny his loyalty though. No matter how much of an ass I am to him he still sticks around to put me in line.

My music gets interrupted by a phone call. The name on the screen reads Don’t Answer. I slide the red icon over letting my music come back on. That’s the twelfth time this week they’ve called. They can keep calling but my answer will still be no.

Once I get dropped off at my home, I immediately go to the bathtub to soak my body in before going to bed. It helps ease all the tensed muscles I used for tonight. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I reach the counter and look at myself in the mirror.

I touch the bruises on my face and sigh, “If I was meant to be a fighter why was I born with such a handsome face that gets hit sometimes? What a shame. Well at least I don’t have cauliflower ears.”

Noticing my phone light up I see the familiar number that I wasn’t expecting to see so soon. Duty calls though.

I guess that meeting is happening sooner than I thought.

Y/N

Closing time at last. The last customers heads out of the shop. I lock up the door and turn the sign to say closed. There’s still cleaning that needs to be done which comes down to my loyal employees. The same employees that are huddled over watching the T.V. that hangs in the corner of the wall.

“Can’t believe I lost a hundred bucks on this fight. I was so sure Minho was gonna lose.” Key groans in disappointment.

Taemin pats Key on the back, “Hyung, maybe you should retire in the life of gambling. You’re sense for betting is getting worse.”

“No, if it’s not broken then don’t fix it. I’ve been zooming through the tournament with no problem and I’ll win the same way.”

Key scoffs, “I really wish someone would knock him out.”

I grab the remote from the counter and shut the T.V. off, “If you two are done freeloading off our pay-per-view,” I hand a rag to Key, “The windows need cleaning,” I hand rubber gloves to Taemin, “and the dishes need washing.”

“Yes, ma’am.” They both say in unison. Key and Taemin have been working at my cafe, Hope Cafe, for as long as I’ve owned it.

Key and I went to school together growing up.  When I first took over the cafe when my parents passed away he offered to work part-time for a little while but that ended up turning into years. His real name is Kibum but I call him Key for short. Whenever I’m not around he takes care of the cafe for me.

Taemin, our youngest, came to work when in his final year in highschool. Currently, he’s majoring in music and film at the university. I’ve advised him that it would be fine if he chose to quit to focus more on school but he continues to brush off my attempts and work.

I finish wiping down the tables and placing the chairs on top of the them to mop the floor. Before I start mopping, I begin carrying out the large trash bags from today. As I’m about to pick them up, Taemin comes to lift them with ease towards the dumpster in the back of the cafe.

“Weren’t you doing the dishes?” I ask.

He smirks, “I finished besides you’re too small to be lifting these and you shouldn’t over work yourself.”

“I can handle it, Taemin.”

After tossing the bag into the dumpster, Taemin stares at me for a few minutes, “How are your eyes?”

I scoff, “Not this again, Taemin. You know that I haven’t had an attack for almost a year now. I told you I’m fine. Is that the reason you don’t quit this place and focus on school?”

“You’re the reason I managed to get into that school, noona. I can’t leave you behind to work twice as hard and put your health at risk.”

“I don’t want you to use me as an excuse to slack off at school. Would it put you at ease if I went to the doctor?”

He slightly pouts, “Maybe.”

I pat him on the back, “Okay, eomma. I’ll go see the doctor if that makes you feel at ease.”

MINHO

The sun blinds me for a split second as I wake to find that it’s morning. Hearing movement in the bathroom, I quickly realize that it’s time to get up. I get out of bed to put on sweatpants as the familiar slender figure appears.

“Leaving so soon?” I ask her.

Bohee smirk as she sits on the edge of the bed to put her heels on, “I have a shoot in two hours or else I’d stay longer.”

The articles about us are wrong. We’re not a couple, we’re just each other’s stress relievers. I met Bohee at a charity event and we hit it off, physically anyway.

“Have you seen the latest news about us?”

She nods, “It’s not a bad idea, don’t you think?”

“I told you from the start this would never become anything more. Why? Are you starting to get feelings for me?”

“No, but you can’t deny that our popularity certainly rose from all the speculations. Wouldn’t you want to try?”

I sigh, “I have other things in mind to get people talking about me.”

She comes up behind me to wrap her arms around my torso, “You’re no fun. Then how about doing a photoshoot with me?”

“I’ll think about it.” I break out of her embrace, “You’re gonna be late.”

After my interesting morning and long day of lounging around watching fight highlights, I meet up with Jonghyun for some late night training before calling it a night. Jonghyun has been my trainer since I started fighting. Him and Onew are the only team I need to compete.

We go through numerous workout routines along with practicing my strikes and kicks before finally taking a break.

“Are you sure you’re ready for the finals?” He asks.

“What are you doubting me already?”

Jonghyun shakes his head, “It’s not that, but after what happened last year I just wanna be sure nothing like that happens this year.”

“It won’t. You can count on it. I have no intention of leaving that venue without the championship.” Both Onew and Jonghyun know the truth behind my loss at the finals last year but neither of them ever talk about it with me directly.

“It’s not like it’s for my sake. I just don’t want you to get hurt in anyway shape or form. You’ve worked extremely hard just to get back to where you are now.”

I scoff and rise to my feet, “You think I don’t know that!? I’ve been the one to push myself after hours.” Not wanting to get into an argument I head towards the treadmill, “You can go if you want. I’m gonna run for awhile.”

“Alright,” Jonghyun walks towards the exit, “don’t stay so late.”

I continue to work out for a few more hours before the tiredness began to set it. It was already getting late so I lock up the gym and head for my car. Reaching my car, my phone begins to ring. I read the number and immediately press the red icon to decline the call before putting it back in my pocket.

“So you have been ignoring my calls.” I roll my eyes at the annoying voice I’ve been avoiding to hear. I turn towards the ringleader being followed by his two stooged bodyguards that I never bothered learning their names, “To be honest Minho, I’m a little hurt. I thought we were friends.”

“I’m sorry you’re bad at taking hints, Hyun-Ki.”

He fake laughs, “How do you deny offers before even hearing the pitch first? Now that’s bad deal making.”

I shrug my shoulders, “Something tells me that I’ve already heard this idea before and let me tell you right now that I’m not doing it. So you can stop calling me and find some other poor rookie to sell that idea to again.”

“Minho, listen to reason.” He point to his group, “There are three of us and one of you. We’ll manage to convince you one way or another.”

I drop my gym bag in preparation of what’s going to have to happen next. I’ve never backed down from a fight and that’s not going to change just because of the odds. Things with this group will end dramatically if it has to.

“The answer is still no.”

As soon as I finish my sentence, Hyun-Ki’s fist connects with my jaw. It throws me off balance but it wasn’t enough to do a whole lot of damage.

“Why do you insist on doing things the hard way.”

I return the hit with a punch of my own which knocks him down. “It makes things more interesting.”

Everything goes crazy once Hyun-Ki’s little helpers get involved. One of them goes for my mid-section to tackle me down but I manage to keep my stance. The other comes at me, charging for my upper body but I punch him to give me a split second to handle the first stooge. I ram my elbow into his back then a knee to his face to get him to let go of my waist. I swipe under the second guy’s feet to take him down.

Everything takes a turn for the worst when the last thing I see is Hyun-Ki tackling into me like a football player. My vision blurs once the back of my head makes contact with the windshield of my car.

I try to shake off the hit but I get way too disoriented and my vision starts to fade in and out. Looking up I barely see the three figures standing over me.

“It didn’t have to go down like this, Minho. If only you did one simple thing like you did once before, we wouldn’t have had to ruin a perfectly good window.”

“What do we do with him?”

“Eh, leave him. If he lives or dies, it doesn’t matter to me. He’s learned a lesson either way.”

It got quiet all of a sudden. Everything looked foggy and unrecognizable. I feel so numb to the point where I can’t move a finger to pull myself up. This was really it. This is how my short pathetic life ends. All I can say is I wish I lived it better. The night gets darker and colder with no hope of surviving through it.

Suddenly, I begin to see movement through my foggy vision. A silhouette of a woman. She’s talking to me but I can’t hear anything. The muffled noises grow faint as my eyes grow heavy and then I  see nothing at all.

Y/N

Over the years I’ve grown used to going to Dr. Park that it’s almost like going to the dentist for check ups. I truly believe that I’m healthy but those around me that know my past constantly tell me to see the doctor for review of my eyes. Just for their comfort I do so.

Dr. Park does his routine check of shining a light in my eyes and using a microscope to zoom into my corneas.

“So what is the diagnostic?”

He smiles, “Your eyes are in healthy condition. You’re vision is still in good shape. Have you been having any issues?”

“No, I haven’t. I’ve been doing well in reading things from a distance and close up.”

“You’re still wear your glasses though?”

“Yes, I sometimes get paranoid that I’ll strain my eyes so I still wear them at times.”

He nods as he looks through his notes, “Tell me Y/N, when was the last attack you had?”

“Almost a year ago. I haven’t had one since.”

“That’s good to hear. As long as you continue to live a peaceful life like you are now then there should be no change in your vision to worry about.”

“Can you write that down? My employees seem to think differently of me working and volunteering.”

He chuckles, “At least they care enough to do their work for you. You shouldn’t be complaining with employees like that.”

“I don’t complain but I’d rather not be dealt with like a fragile child. I wanted this operation so I wouldn’t be treated any differently.”

“Of course, I can’t really say anything since I began treating you when you were a child so in my eyes I still see you as that little girl that came to me all those years ago.”

I nod, “I’ve grown a lot since then, haven’t I?”

“You’re young, you still have more years to grow. Just continue the way you’ve been living and do your best to not overstress yourself. You have friends that care so don’t be afraid to lean on them for help when you need it.”

“Thank you again, Dr. Park.”

After the numerous check ups I’ve been having, each one has come out the same positive outcome. I begin to think that it’s safe, my health is set in stone and I can live without worry about what might happen within the next year. Yet, I hate to have that little piece of doubt that still lingers in the back of my head. I hope to one day not worry so much.

The sun has finally set as I walk back home. There was construction going on at my usual route so I decide to take the long way past one of the local gyms. I don’t really like to walk past there since a lot of the guys that workout there try to hit on me but it’s night time and the place closes. It still makes the places more creepy just walking through in the dark.

I shake off the creepy thoughts that make me feel uneasy as I nearly reach the end of the building where the crosswalk is. Suddenly, I hear a loud crash that scares me to a stop. I look at my surroundings in hopes that there isn’t some sort of driveby happening around the corner. I peek my head around the building. No one was there but one single car in the parking lot.

I continued to walk as if nothing was wrong. It’s not until I walk past the parking lot when I see legs sticking out from the side of the car. The window is completely smashed with the glass shining on the black pavement. Getting a little closer, I see a man lying there not moving.

I run over to him, “Sir, can you hear me?” His eyes flutter and his hand reaches out for me to take his. I notice blood pooling around his head when I begin to panic even more. “Hang on,” I take my phone out of my pocket to call for help, “I need an ambulance.” I give the operator my location and turn back to the man.

I lean back to look around for anyone near but the man pulls on my hand to keep me close. I squeeze his hand for reassurance, “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

MINHO

I could barely stay awake long enough to focus on where I was. I remember being in a car then the ceiling was moving but I couldn’t see where I was going. I kept trying to look for that silhouette that first came to me before I completely lost consciousness.

I begin to reach for that familiar hand again in hope to not be left alone but I feel nothing gripping my hand.

“Minho?”

I immediately recognize the voice, “Onew, where am I?”

“You’re at the hospital. What happened?”

“I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone at the gym like that.” Jonghyun’s voice comes from the other side of me.

I struggle to open my eyes from the brightness of the room, when I do nothing is clear. I give it a moment for my eyes to adjust but no matter how many times I blink they remain foggy.

“Onew...Jonghyun…where are you?”

“We’re right in front of you. Jonghyun is on the other side of you.”

I look around to see nothing but the lights and shapes of whatever is in the room but everything is unclear. “Why can’t I see you guys?”

“What do you mean you can’t see us?” Jonghyun worried voice asks.

“I mean I can’t see anything.”

The panic starts to set in once my vision never changes. It looks as if my eyes were being covered by multiple layers of saran wrap. The shock was almost enough to distract me from the hellish headache I have.

Onew called the doctor in to report the fact that I had no vision. My heart was racing the entire time I was waiting for him to bring the doctor in. Not being able to see who was coming and going made the wait even worse.

I hear multiple footsteps coming in, “Mr. Choi, I’m Dr. Chung. How are you feeling?”

“Besides the massive headache and the fact that I can’t see anything I’m just relaxing and having a grand time. Thanks for asking.”

I feel a nudge on my arm that must’ve been from Jonghyun since he has been standing on my right side this entire time, “Seriously, Minho.”

I wave him off as Onew starts to speak to the doctor, “Dr. Chung, can you please explain what’s going on with Minho?”

“Of course, it seems that the impact of the blow that Mr. Choi experienced to his head caused his brain to bounce off the front and back of his skull. We took CAT scans which shows contusions to the occipital lobe.”

I scoff, “Can you explain that in simpler terms?”

“The occipital lobe controls vision so it’s not unusual for it to cause temporary blindness. In your terms, your brain is bleeding but it’s not life threatening. They’re like bruises.”

“How long is temporary?” Onew asks.

“It’s hard to say. His brain should heal in a couple days, the maximum would be a few weeks but nothing past a month.”

I start chuckling at the sudden twist of fate that life has given me, “What am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“I recommend that you see a counselor until your vision comes back. There’s a place we suggest to our patience. I can have the nurse give you the information.”

I shake my head, “A counselor? No thanks, I’m not that bummed about it.”

Dr. Chung clears his throat, I can imagine him losing his patience with me but I don’t care since I was screwed anyways. “Not for your emotional state. I mean a counselor to help you manage and get through your daily activities like normal until your brain heals fully.”

“That would be a great help for Minho since he lives alone and likes to live independently.” Jonghyun adds a lot of emphasis in the fact like it would actually help.

“I have another question.”

Dr. Chung hums in response, “Go ahead.”

“The person who found me. Are they still here?”

There’s a silence until the doctor awes, “The young lady that accompanied you here? She stayed for a short time but once she discovered that you were okay she left. She looked very pale so it was probably best for her to leave.”

“Did you by any chance get her name?”

He hums, “No, I’m sorry. She did seem very worried about you though. When you came in, she refused to let go of your hand. Perhaps she was your guardian angel.”

[Two]

[astrologes]

Empty Houses

An empty house is defined as a house empty of planets or luminaries - asteroids and the nodes do not count! Everyone has them.

Empty houses are often explained as areas of life that aren’t important to the individual, but I think they can manifest differently too. Whilst some people may not care about the areas they cover, others may find them challenging or things they are self-conscious about. However I do want to preface this post by saying if it doesn’t apply to you, you might be one of the people who don’t place importance on the issues the house deals with. I’m also of the opinion that people can grow to feel that way over time. Lastly, it’s highly unlikely everything will apply to you - I wrote this looking at all of the charts I know, and so they are amalgamations of multiple people.

1st - Issues with the self. This can be a feeling of emptiness, or self-consciousness in terms of appearance, personality, or the self in general. In terms of personality, they can feel as though they lack one or are boring, and I’ve known some empty first house people to compensate for this by being loud and having a clear bravado - though some do go the other way and retreat into themselves privately. These people often have a lack of confidence, and don’t feel as if they know their place in the world. Sometimes they seem to change often, as if they don’t have set identities, and sometimes they can seem quite false. Many of the people I know seem to give off a fire, almost too much, though few do seem very plain. They often need validation and attention, though are secretive, and don’t like people knowing them too well. Some may also have trouble or take time in starting new things and following their hearts - they often do what is expected of them, rather than what they want to do.

Positive Aries, fire, cardinal, or Mars energy can balance this out.

2nd - Feelings of insecurity and instability. Finding it hard to value things, or feeling unvaluable themselves. I’ve known people to try and compensate by hoarding or placing too much value on people and things - this can be especially true with Cancer on the house cusp, a duplication, or an interception. I’ve also found that some with an empty second house can not understand the value of things, when others do not let possessions determine their lives and have a lack of interest in them. It’s often either one extreme or other. I know some empty second house people to not care about much and be rather impractical too. It’s a possible coincidence, but I have also noticed that some have difficulty asserting themselves, and others are too assertive.

Positive Taurus, earth, fixed, or Venus energy can balance this out.

3rd - Difficulties communicating. This can manifest in many different ways, such as having a tendency of bottling things up, stumbling over or losing your words and being unable to explain your thoughts. It can also show itself through a nervousness in social situations, or even overcompensating - for example, babbling, talking about yourself a lot, bragging, and lying. Though some dislike being and speaking about themselves at all. Many empty third house people also enjoy being alone, and have come across hardships in learning (I know a couple with learning difficulties). I’ve found that they often give the impression they aren’t particularly intelligent (no matter if they are or not). Often these natives can be very stubborn.

Positive Gemini, air, mutable, or Mercury energy can balance this out.

4th - As one would expect, an empty fourth house can indicate issues with family, and a lack of attachment towards their families. Some individuals with this placement may find themselves unable to care for certain family members. They may even feel as though they are never truly at home anywhere, and may have had detachment issues as children. They could also have either extreme or very mild views on their parents, rarely any in-between. Unexpectedly, these individuals do tend to be closer to their mothers than their fathers, but can also have a more complicated relationship with their fathers. One girl I know is actually one of seven and is extremely close to her family, and finds it hard to let them go. The fourth house is ruled by the moon, and many of these individuals do struggle in expressing and dealing with their emotions.

Positive Cancer, water, cardinal, or moon energy can balance this out.

5th - These people can be bored easily, and may flit through hobbies and interests trying to satisfy that. Often, they only have a few major interests. They might find it difficult to have the motivation to get things started. I’ve known empty fifth house people who’ve struggled with asserting themselves too - they’ve either been too aggressive or not enough. It may also leave way for people to have ‘guilty pleasures’, that is, enjoy things but be embarrassed or private about them. There tends not to be much focus on children or sex, and these individuals may indulge in casual sex too. I’ve found they often gravitate towards being centre of attention, without realising it or even particularly wanting it sometimes. They are also incredibly stubborn, and have somewhat of a desire to be seen as leaders.

Positive Leo, fire, fixed, or sun energy can balance this out 

6th - Empty sixth house people can very possibly be prone to illness and accidents. They could rely on others too much, and probably wouldn’t do well in service-based careers, preferring more non-traditional ones.. The ones I know are sort of ‘wannabe perfectionists’ - i.e, perfectionists who often lack the motivation or capability to execute things the way they want to. I believe an empty sixth can manifest as a lack of care for their health, but very often there is a switch in them to change this. These people want to be seen as intelligent.

Positive Virgo, earth, mutable, or Mercury energy can balance this out.

7th - The seventh house deals with relationships, and those with empty seventh houses may have a lack of interest or even a distaste in romantic love and relationships. It may even manifest as commitment issues. These people can have trouble compromising - however, positively, many don’t let relationships determine their lives, in my experience. Unfortunately, however, I do know those that do feel they need a partnership and have unhealthy and/or complex mindsets about them. A couple are even controlling of their partners. 

Positive Libra, air, cardinal, or Venus energy can balance this out.

8th - These individuals can lack a fear of death or danger, and because of this they can take many dangerous risks. Conversely, however, they may live lives with very few changes, and have trouble letting others in. Others feel as though they are almost constantly changing.

Positive Scorpio, water, fixed, or Pluto energy can balance this out.

9th - This can manifest as an over-attachment to the home, or the place they grew up. They may even have a desire never to change. A lack of ninth house can also bring detachment or even issues with spirituality and beliefs in higher beings. These people can feel tied to their childhoods, for better or for worse, and harbour a dislike of change. This may be a coincidence, but I’ve also noticed these people have a tendency of gaining weight.

Positive Sagittarius, fire, mutable, or Jupiter energy can balance this out.

10th - Enigmas! These people may seem like total mysteries to others (or people may think they know them but actually don’t), and can have ups and downs in their reputations. They may also be lazy and find difficulty in staying organised.

Positive Capricorn, earth, cardinal, or Saturn energy can balance this out.

11th - Difficulties with friendships. It may be that they have difficulty maintaining them, or may be that they find it hard dealing with many friends at one time. From those I know with empty eleventh houses, they have a few close friends, and are practical people, though sometimes they can have few ideas or solid plans for the future. They yearn for validation and for people to like them, and because of this, they may seem to make more of an effort than others to impress people. They also may have a fear of being themselves, not wanting to be judged or disliked.

Positive Aquarius, air, fixed, or Uranus energy can balance this out.

12th - Inability to cope with stress and deep fears. Empty twelfth house people can feel easily pressured, and feel it more so than others. They’re often open people with no secrets - they have a hard time keeping things to themselves.

Positive Pisces, water, mutable, or Neptune energy can balance this out.

[trash-gobby]

Hello, can you do an NSFW story for Bond and Xenia Onatopp? Maybe like an enemies to lovers situation?

A/N: AAYYY YOOO! My first James Bond mini-fic completed. Semi-sequel to the events of Goldeneye. Thank you so much for your patience Anon, and I’m glad to see a fellow Bond enthusiast out there. I know there are quite a few (I just didn’t how many were on Tumblr). Hopefully you enjoy reading this fic as much as I did writing it!!

Word Count: 4.2K

Pairing: James Bond X Xenia Onatopp

Character: James Bond, Xenia Onatopp, M, Alec Trevelyan, Natalya Simonova

RATING: R 18+

⚠️This is an 18+ post because of the NSFW!!! That means I DON’T encourage anyone who interacts with NSFW content who is underage. I’ve talked to other people who’ve been long time content creators and users of this website and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not your parent and can’t control what content you consume. IF YOU SAY YOUR UNDERAGE IN YOUR PROFILE OR HAVE AN AGE UNDER 18 I WILL BLOCK YOU! Just consume responsibly, and know your limits. And If your a minor please DNI

Detailed warnings under the cut

Warnings!: Enemies to lovers, angst, light fem!dom, biting/marking, oral sex, graphic sexual content, multi-pov

______________________________________________________________

Love is pointless.

An abstract concept which need not ever be substantial in anyone's eyes, least of all those whose life purpose and pleasure is taken from the sweet taste of the kill. Concepts like love or affection are as irrelevant as the victims at the end of the barrel of a gun. They're just another body, and a lover is the same.

What was the point in giving yourself over to something as inane and meek as love, when passion without strings attached was so much easier?

Xenia's whole life had involved the absence of love. In many ways, that's what made her such an effective killer. She'd been an orphan, unwanted, saddled with enough pain and trauma that it would have broken a weaker person. She didn't break though. Xenia hardened like bronze in a kiln. She'd become unbreakable.

That's why the KGB had wanted her. They could make something out of this child, they create a weapon, a monster, an assassin.

______________________________________________________________

He knew from the moment they met at the poker table, there was something different about Xenia. Some unique malevolence lay behind their dark hue which drew him in like a fly to a venus flytrap's greedy mauw.

He'd rather meet his end at the hands of a beautiful woman, rather than anyone else. James was just that sort of man.

The way she laughed, the rouge she applied to her lips, the tight clothes which flattered her every curve and ample breasts. It was like God had created the perfect female just for him.

She wasn't just for him though. Xenia wasn't some kind of possession of plaything. She made that very clear, crushingly so...

Ever since that moment in the steam room, he couldn't get the sensation of her lips from his mind. So soft, yet so deeply capable of cruelty. Pearl white teeth made for pulling and nibbling at flesh, leaving marks on his neck and thighs around his most intimate areas. A body a like a vice, a perfect fit, like a glove around his throbbing cock. Every thrust sending the most pleasurable sensation up his abdomen, setting his brain off like fireworks.

The smell of her skin was like roses and felt soft, unmarred by the lives she'd taken. In that way he knew they were both kin. Both killers who'd been trained in the art of espionage and seduction.

For once it was nice to meet someone who understood what it was like to be seen as a beautiful killer. Someone who was valued for their good looks, but feared in every other way for their skills. Even if they were on opposite sides of the same war.

______________________________________________________________

She'd thought he would kill her. But he hadn't. Why hadn't he? Xenia had come so close to killing him multiple times, but he'd spared her.

All she could remember from their final encounter was a great pressure on her chest, gasping out for air and then darkness.

Xenia had woken up to harsh lights, and an even harsher migraine. Her brain felt like it was threatening to escape through the cracks in her skull. Her whole body had felt like it was being weighed down by a truck.

She had difficulty focusing on anything at first. Shapes and shadows blended into blobs. Sounds felt far away, like her body was stuck several feet underground. Only one sense was truly clear, and unfortunately that was every nerve under her skin and in her muscles. The pain was sometimes dull and as far away as the noise, but when Xenia first gained consciousness, it was almost unbearable.

She'd stayed in limbo for what felt to her like years, falling in and out of consciousness until she wasn't sure if she was even alive. Perhaps this was hell, an endless painful indescribable void. Maybe that's what she deserved after a lifetime of taking pleasure in others destruction.

However, after time passed, so did the pain, and so did the lack of sight for her eyes. Eventually she was able to make out her surroundings. It all seemed rather surreal, seeing she was tightly wrapped in weighted blankets, an IV in one of her arms, giving whatever sufficed as a painkiller. Xenia's best guess was morphine, the buzz of it felt like morphine.

The room itself was barren, with the exception of the IV, machine she was hooked up to, her bed and a plastic chair, which looked more like it was designed to be aesthetically pleasing than comfortable to sit in.

True to form, Xenia's first coherent thought wasn't about how or why she was in this place. Instead it was how to get out. There was really only two options at this point. One was the door leading out of her room, and the other was the large window with curtains mostly obscuring the view outside.

Trying to raise her body out of the bed, Xenia hadn't anticipated how weak her body was. She could barely even make it into a sitting position, and internally cursed at her weakness. Her mouth felt like it was full of cotton and her throat dried behind her cracked lips.

No sooner had she moved, the sound of some rapid buzzing and whirring caught her ears. This lead her eyes to land on out of place thing inside this white box she was being held in, which she had overlooked. A small camera sat up in the top left corner staring at her with beady glass lens eye at her. The noise of its movement was shortly followed by the sound of muffled voices slowly becoming more audible from outside the room.

If she wasn't so sluggish, Xenia was sure she might feel a little bit of fear at the prospect of not being able to escape whatever seemed to be coming her way. Moving the arm not attached to the IV, she felt resistance lifting it. Looking down, she noticed for the first time the metal handcuffs attached to her.

The door to the room opened, letting in the harsh white hospital LED lights. She took a sharp intake of breath, eyes focusing on the backlit figures of two men entering the room. The taller of the two, Xenia recognized immediately, and the sight of those soft but calculating blue eyes made her release that breath she was holding shakily.

"James Bond," her voice came out in a cracked whisper, eyes filling with tears, surprising herself with just how much emotion his countenance brought. The thought that his mere appearance brought this much raw emotion forward enraged her. She didn't recognize the man with him, who was much shorter and considerably older than him.

They whispered to each other for a moment, looking over slightly before Bond, in his plain dress shirt and freshly ironed black pants, stepped forward towards her bed. He ran one of his hands over the covers, before sitting down on the soft surface, Xenia's legs dipping in the direction of where he was sitting.

"Hello Ms. Onatopp, it's nice to see your awake," he fixed her with a smile which would melt any woman's heart instantly, but Xenia was familiar with these tricks. She knew how this man operated, and she wouldn't let him get the best of her.

"You look worse for wear, but they said most of the worst of it has passed. You should regain most of your movement as the major drugs in your system wear off."

"What am I doing here?" Xenia demanded, steamrolling right through Bond's pleasantries. She had no time for any of this false sympathetic bullshit.

"Where am I? I demand to know."

"In a secure holding facility in MI6. A place for those recovering that we don't want to hold in a regular hospital." Bond said smoothly with some of that swave swagger removed from his tone and inflections. At least now Xenia was seeing an honest side to him.

"As for why your here, it's because I had you brought here."

"Why?"

"You should rest, I can explain more when your feeling better." Bond reached out to take one of her hands in his, but Xenia snatched it away sluggishly before they made contact.

"Why am I here? Answer me!" She tried raising her voice, but the strain was to painful on her dry throat, making her cough violently.

"I'll have someone bring you some water." Bond patted her legs, which were firmly tucked under the blanket, causing it to be a great difficulty as Xenia tried to pull away. He then got up and quickly left the room, leaving Xenia alone with her thoughts which were twisting and turning like cogs in a machine, trying to figure out his angle on all this. Whatever he wanted though, she was determined not to give it to him.

______________________________________________________________

Days passed into weeks, and weeks into nearly a month. James wasn't sure what to do with himself in that time. There wasn't much to do when crazed criminals weren't trying to blow somewhere up with space lasers.

All he had to focus on, apart from the inevitable deterioration and end to his relationship with Natalya, was the update on Xenia's slow but steady recovery. MI6 was hoping he could get some information out of her before they transferred her to a high security holding facility for war criminals and those involved in their plans. Somewhere Trevelyan would have ended up if he hadn't tried James hand.

He'd gone to see her only a handful of times over the past near month, but only from a distance. According to those working closely on Xenia's recovery said that she was bitterly quiet or snappish, having no interest in any kindness or politeness anyone showed her. He knew he would eventually have to see her again, and James had to admit he had been avoiding that little meeting because of what would follow.

The questions. Why had he saved Xenia? Why didn't he just leave her to die? He could say it was because when he realized she still had a pulse, MI6 could make use of her for information on the Russian military and their spies or counter-agents. He could say it was because M had demanded that he take her in as a war criminal. But that wouldn't be the truth, at least not the whole truth. The truth was that James had seen her broken body, and when he found that she was still living, he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. An emotion he couldn't name, and wasn't sure he was ready to try. Whatever that unamable feeling was, it was strong enough for him to save Xenia and get her here.

Walking down the long hall to Xenia's room she was being held in, James felt for the first time his palms start to sweat. He hadn't felt like this since he was a pre-teen. The anxiety at meeting a girl he was interested in had been something James was unused to. Straightening his collar and loosening the top button to relieve pressure, James reached the steel door leading into Xenia's temporary living quarters.

______________________________________________________________

This room, with all it's soft clean linens for the bed, fancy furnishings and beautiful view of London from it's large bullet-proof glass window couldn't distract from what it really was. A cage. One with it's own master bathroom, but that made it no less a cage. The camera's located in the room were enough to make that clear. Xenia felt like a goldfish in a bowl, an animal in a zoo.

She had taken a much needed shower and was sitting on the edge of her bed, reading out of a one of the few books provided by her captors. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. A cheerful little story she had sarcastically said to one of the goons working for MI6 who had given it to her during the first week of her rehabilitation.

Xenia was still experiencing the aches and pains in her broken ribs and had to have some practice regaining balance after the number her spinal cord had taken from that crushing helicopter incident. It was hard to believe that it had been around almost a month, and with the high tech capabilities of MI6 and the rigorous rehabilitation process, Xenia was well on her way to an almost full recovery.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the steel door pressurizing and unlocking with a series of clicking sounds. She looked up, taking in the sight of James Bond clad in a pair of brown slacks and white casual dress shirt. The shock of seeing him almost made her face crack into one of surprise, but Xenia managed to keep her cool, giving him what she hoped was a lazy disinterested look before staring back down at her novel.

"So, I've been finally graced with the presence of MI6's own personal lap dog, James Bond."

"Nice to see you to darling," he said leaning on the edge of the door frame after it closed behind him.

"Don't call me darling, we aren't on those terms," Xenia spat, raising up to standing, eyes flashing with anger.

"You don't get to call me anything," she stormed up to Bond, getting right in his face. It was surprising that he could manage to still keep his composure with the tirade he was giving him.

"I don't see your face for a month and no one here will answer any of my questions."

"Probably because you're so eloquent in asking."

"Don't be smart with me," Xenia said pointing her finger right into his face, bond catching her hand before she could scratch him with one of her nails.

"Careful there," Xenia roughly pulled her hand out of his as Bond said this. She stalked back over to the bed, standing at the foot of it, back turned to him.

"Just leave, I have nothing to say to you." She watched as Bond slowly made his way further into the room and sat himself in one of the two armchairs located in the room by the window.

"Xenia, your going to want to hear what I have to say before you shut me out."

"I doubt it." James sighed, raking his hands through his hair before pushing on past this response.

"Xenia, they want to send you to a prison for war criminals. Something high security where you can't eat sleep or go to the washroom without being monitored."

"That's what's happening to me here," She signaled to one of the more obvious dark half globes which protected the camera, in the corner of her room.

"It'll be much worse then this. No warm bed, no staff helping you to recover, just a cold cell half the size of this room and even colder company. I don't want that for you, even if you have tried to kill me more then once." Xenia fully turned, fixing Bond with a calculating gaze. She seemed to be searching his eyes for something, something she couldn't quite identify.

"I can negotiate you being placed somewhere like this, but with more space and freedoms if you give me some information about your employer, but I need your cooperation."

"You want something from, of course. I've seen gulags, hell I've been in one. I doubt that anything can be worse than those hellholes."

"You'd be surprised how bad it can be here. There have also been talks of handing you back over to your employer, and after all the time you've spent here, they might suspect that you've spilled all their secrets." He watched as the cogs turned behind Xenia's intense brown-eyed gaze.

"Believe it or not, I'd prefer you were somewhere safe, even though M has made it clear that she would like to see you buried in one of those high security facilities in chains and behind bars. She wants you to rot there and, forgotten."

"I get the point, and what you want is to help me? I somehow doubt that," Xenia huffed, sitting on the end of the bed, still facing Bond.

"The last time we really interacted you tried to kill me with a helicopter."

"To be fair you were also trying to kill me. Look, Xenia, all I want is to make these things go smoothly. I really do care about whether or not you survive this."

"I'm having a hard time with that. Mostly because I can't understand why. Why would you save me when I was so close to the brink of death when it would have been so much easier to just leave me to die." Xenia watched as Bond's carefully placed mask start to slip, his usually composed self shaken. Xenia seemed to notice this to, her expression puzzled as he broke eye contact for a moment.

"I guess I haven't really given you much of an explanation for all that's happened. The truth is, I don't really know. I just saw you and thought of Alec, and how I failed him, and I didn't want to fail someone like that, someone I've come to care for, like that again." He quickly made eye contact with her again, a silence settling between them.

"I know we only knew each other briefly, but every moment it felt like I was meeting a kindred spirit, someone who knew the loneliness this job of espionage and death entails. I guess I would have wanted someone to do the same for me if I'd been lying there broken and dying," he tried one last time, before raising to his feet. Xenia was still fixing him with that unreadable look, but there was something else behind those eyes.

Turning his back he straightened out the creases in his pants before walking across the room slowly, desiring nothing more then to forget this conversation had happened. It was probably for the best. Reaching for the keypad attached to the inside door, Bond felt as a soft hand wrapped around his own, guiding it away from the door.

She turned him to look her in the eye, her body close to his. She could smell his aftershave as she leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. Xenia felt that this one was different, as he deepened it pulling her close and using one hand to embrace her and the other tangling in her hair.

He walked her backwards to the edge of the bed, pulling away for the moment, faces both flushed with lust. Bond looked like he was about to say something, but Xenia stopped that by grabbing hold of his shirt and spinning them both onto the bed, her on top. She reached for the tie on the bathrobe she was wearing, courtesy of MI6.

"Xenia," Bond's voice came out in a husky whisper from between his lips. She could see it sparkling in his eyes, something primal and yet sincere and passionate. Xenia herself felt something beyond the arousal deeply heated in her core. A feeling that went beyond the physical.

"What is this?" She'd never seen him look vulnerable, not like he did when he asked this, and Xenia suspected it wasn't something that was easy for him to do.

"I don't know, do you really want it to stop?" She asked. He responded by pulling her face to his into another hungry kiss, this one more desperate. She moved her hands to his shirt, pulling it viciously open, buttons coming off. Bonds hands wandered to the tie she had abandoned, fumbling with it as he did so.

She started kissing his exposed chest, biting on the exposed skin leading up to his neck, as he finally got the tie undone, pulling down the robe, it falling to one side. Her exposed skin of her back and arms became chilled with goose-flesh, but that would soon not be a problem as things were slowly heating up between the two of them.

One of his wandering hands found its way from where it had undone the tie on her robe to one of her breasts, softly rolling his thumb over her hardened nipple, sending a small wave of pleasure through her body.

Xenia groaned into Bonds neck as she sucked on the sensitive vulnerable skin. She could feel as he took a sharp intake of breath, his other hand finding its way between her legs. His hand ghosted over her thigh before dipping between them finding that little bundle of nerves starting to softly stroking.

Pulling away from his neck she sighed as the pleasure began to build slowly in her core. Her hands eagerly pulled at the belt and zipper on Bond's pants, loosening them enough to attempt to pull them down. Bond pulled away his hands in order to give her space to get them undone, and pulled down along with his underwear. His cock springed free, and bond wiggled his way out of the pants making Xenia giggle a little as she looked back at his actions.

He smiled slyly before taking her head back into his hands and bringing her face to his, kissing her deeply, tongue ghosting over her teeth asking for permission to enter.

Xenia could feel how hot and wet she'd become between her legs from his earlier actions, the ache in her core getting more pronounced, begging for some kind of gratification. Pulling back from the kiss, she felt Bond follow her movements, trying to get up as she did, on her knees straddling him, but she pushed him forcefully back down onto the plush surface of the bed.

She ran her fingers over his chest, looking down at him with a smirk she knew communicated her feelings clearly. She was going to lead the pace of this.

Reaching down Xenia took hold of his throbbing member. She could feel the slight wetness of precome that had leaked from his shaft, as she started stroking him a bit, lining up the tip with her soaking wet sex. Sinking down, she let out a deep breath as she felt him filling her slowly with each inch. She made some quick adjustments until she was fully on top of his throbbing member.

Setting the pace, she rocked her body at first slowly, allowing that burning sensation in her loins to heighten. Bond's hands found their way to her hips, digging into the supple flesh as she picked up the pace, leaving them both panting as she grinded on him.

Bond shifted his weight to one side allowing him to flip them both so he was on top, pushing her into the bed, moving one of his legs on her shoulder to get a better angle. Pushing into her, it felt like she was splitting open with pleasure, him hitting the most sensitive spot in her over and over.

The tension and pleasure inside her was building up, just ready to erupt any second, but she really started to reach the edge when he reached down with one of his hands, finding her clit and stroking it with a fast but almost feather-light touch.

Raking her fingernails down her back down his back, she felt that bubble building inside her burst with the overwhelming pleasure of her release. Bond bond continued to fuck Xenia through her climax, littering her collarbone and neck with light kisses.

Pushing him slowly off her he pulled out and she pushed him again so he was lying on the bed and she could straddle his legs, bringing her mouth to his girth. She swirled her tongue around his tip before taking him deeply into her mouth.

"Fuck," he hissed through clenched teeth as she sucked on his throbbing cock, bobbing her head. His fingers entangled themselves in her hair, pulling lightly on her hair and coaxing her deeper onto him.

She could feel he was close as his body tensed, her head moving up his shaft. His grip became more tense as she continued her ministrations on his throbbing member, his body flinching with every nerve she'd ignite in his body with her lips and tongue.

Xenia felt as he pushed her head down onto his cock, his body straining, letting out one more loud grunt as he released inside of her mouth. Wiping her face she looked up making eye contact with Bond whose face was half-lidded with spent pleasure.

"What was that?" He asked, chuckling lightly.

"I guess I just felt like there was something," she said, "something there in your voice. I don't know how to describe it."

"Something in my voice." He repeated back to himself as she crawled her way up beside him on the bed.

"You sounded so genuine, like you knew what it was like to be where I've been and seen the things I've seen. You really meant what you said? About wanting to save me from my fate?"

"Every word." He replied to her, brushing stray strands from her face. Xenia really took in the look that he was giving her, something in those usually icey blue eyes was different then anything she'd seen in any man she'd slept with eyes.

The way he looked at her, there was something warm and comforting, and emotion she couldn't even begin to describe coming over her. Xenia wasn't sure what she would have named it, but perhaps it could be something which was deeper than passion. Perhaps if he stuck around and they talked, maybe she could find out. Maybe whatever this feeling that was in her, boiling up to the surface as she lay there in his arms, she could learn what that meant too.

[witchyinthekitchen]

This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process. 

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.

[djpri]

[FT INTERVIEW] Allure Korea, January 2018: Rock Chic

<Lee Hongki’s Kiss The Radio> DJ, <Night Goblin> comedian, <Hwayugi> actor and forever an FTISLAND member, Lee Hongki’s delightful days.

Knit top (J.W. ANDERSON BY TOM GREYHOUND), Fur Coat (KYMER)

Top (CALVIN KLEIN), Checked Jacket (PAUL SMITH), Pants (PRIV. SPOONS.CLUB), Fur Slides (EMU SLIDES), Socks (Stylist item) When Hongki walked into the studio, he was carrying a small trunk with a baggage tag. He had just returned from a solo concert in Japan. If this is not the life of a star, what else can it be? Lee Hongki had recently finished a few permanent programs, FTISLAND’s 10th anniversary Europe tour and solo concert in Japan. He is always honest and direct. The only time he hesitated was when we asked what’s his favorite program lately.

“What should I say? I love all of them. I like the radio and <Night Goblin> because I’m close with all of its members and the show is doing well. But I also can not talk about the drama that’s about to air...”

This unique and charming man’s clock is expected to tick away in the new year.

We met between 2017 and 2018. How was 2017?

2017 was really busy. It was FTISLAND’s 10th anniversary and I wanted to spread our name. So I said I’d do everything that calls for me. So I got invited to many variety shows. <Night Goblin> came first and because I found the format to be really funny, I thought it’d be fun. It really is.

Today’s concept is ‘celebrity’s life.’ I asked the stylist to dress you like Elton John and you pull off fur coat really well. For the selfie concept, I saw you take an actual selfie and upload it on Instagram.

That wasn’t a photo shoot. It was a time to take a selfie. (Laughs) When I heard that this is about showing a concept, I said I’ll do it for real. I don��t even really look at scripts. I like facing situations as they come. But that fur coat was super heavy.

Aren’t you too trusting of people? How do you know what’s going to come at you?

I trust myself. I change a lot based on each moment. If the mood isn’t good, I can’t do well. My pictures don’t turn out well. Today was really fun.

This concept was inspired by drama <Hwayugi>. It’s your first drama in 3 years and you are back on a top star role.

I acted a celebrity several times but each one was different. In this drama, I go back and forth a lot but it’s a likable character. I signed up for <Hwayugi> because its synopsis was fun and I worked with Hong sisters before.

What is it like to act a celebrity as a celebrity?

It’s actually hard. I don’t really live like that.

But you’ve seen a lot; admirable and not.

Since I see a lot, I do incorporate them to my acting. I tend to imitate my friends and seniors. First of all, I hate two-faced people. I also don’t like people who don’t listen to others. I can keep talking to those people but if they refuse to listen...that’s too bad. I admire people who are kind of sly but likable at the same time. Those type of people always give back what I give. So I can’t dislike them.

Ha ha. Is someone like that in FTISLAND?

Nope. Not in FTISLAND.

Don’t you have dynamic fans? You have FTISLAND fans, musical, radio and drama fans. How do you interact with all of them?

I’ve always been thankful of my fans so we’ve stayed close like friends. Sometimes, I post things like “I’m going to delete this in 5 minutes but I’ll buy meal for whoever comes here in the nest few minutes!” I really eat with them after that. We argue on SNS. But now, I have drama and musical fans so they all say different things. Some fans say, “I hope you keep acting in dramas. When will you do a musical?” I just have to do well with whatever I do.

I enjoy listening to ‘HONGKIRA’ while driving. Many guests come on the show. You are an excellent host.

Before, it was always about me. I used to think that I needed to be happy and satisfied for everything to succeed. But while hosting a radio show lately, because all of my guests are juniors and younger friends, I found myself changing. I want to make them feel comfortable just like how my seniors treated me. I can be more understanding because we work in the same field. 

Blouse: (YCH), Coat (JUUNJ)

Top (COS), Pattern Suit (SEWEINGBOUNDARIES), Jacket (CUSTOMELLOW), Sneakers (NIKE)

What do you want to say to the rookies?

I always say this. If you are a group, you have to unite first. The most successful member in the team shouldn’t change. But that’s not just up to that member. Everyone needs to help. And that successful member shouldn’t be proud. If you are successful alone, you are nothing.

I can’t imagine you were a nervous type even when you were a rookie.

No. There was no reason to be afraid. I enjoyed everything from the start.

You have an honest image. That can start scandals. Do you have any fear or regret?

There’s nothing I really regret. I get disappointed for not doing it. But I say everything after I think about it. I ask myself multiple times, can I say this? I can, right? 

It’s not easy for a celebrity to be honest.

I sing and act because that’s what I like. But people call me a celebrity for that. But it’s not like celebrities are obligated to follow rules. Sometimes I ask why I did this. But if I put it that way, there’s nothing I can really do. I did try to fix myself. But then I thought I was going to die.

Do you tell your juniors and friends to be honest?

No, I tell them to purify it. (Laughs). I say, I was honest but don’t be like me. I tell them to just be true to their image. For example, I had a junior who didn’t get a break for 2 years. I told him to ask for vacation like “if you give me a vacation, I think I’ll be able to work harder.”

Oh, is that how FTISLAND earns vacations?

No, I pick a date and ask them to not schedule me for anything that day!

I have to ask about musician Lee Hongki. How was the solo concert in Japan? You came here directly from there.

It was a mini live and it was really fun. I had something happen in that past and that made me be afraid of doing things alone. Yesterday, I had 2 shows on a Thursday and 5,000 people had to come to each of them. I was scared nobody would come on a weekday. But the venue was full. I was really thankful. At the end of my concert, I asked them why they came. They said for my song.

That must’ve been heartwarming. Isn’t that the best answer for a musician?

To my relief, they said for my song and I was really happy. So I said, “I can forever sing a song that you want to hear. But if you want beyond that, I can’t promise you. That’s because I could date many people and even though I’ll follow the law, I could party. I don’t really understand a celebrity’s fate. My dream is to be free and I want to live freely. But I’ll sing forever.”

That means you could betray them but never with music.

Yes, I got a long applause (laughs).

You also went on a 10th anniversary Europe Tour, didn’t you?

We went on our first Europe tour 3 years ago and it rocked. So many fans said they couldn’t get tickets so we rented a LIVE house with 300-400 seats and performed for them while drinking. But it’s hard to do a Europe tour because their prices are different. We got to go this time because we said, “we don’t care about getting paid.” We visited 6 countries over 2 weeks. It was so much fun.

You have so many songs now. It must be hard to put together a set list.

We don’t perform songs that the company made. The songs we did when we were young. I make all of our set lists. I think its ridiculous for a company to make it. I imagine how we are going to get to the next song after this, how we are going to rearrange it, how we are going to interact with fans, the mood...etc. I check all of them, discuss with the members and finish the set list.

Where do you think FTISLAND is musically?

We still have a long way to go. I like that music has no end. When I feel like I’ve come to a certain point, I keep meeting more talented people, new sound and new performance. So it’s amazing, fun and I have to continue studying.

Are you sensitive about how your song does on charts?

I don’t care about that. There are songs I don’t care how they do online, and there are songs I want to do well.

It’s not easy to be in a team with same members for 10 years. What’s your secret?

FTISLAND members get along well with each other and everyone is nice. When I was young, my seniors always told me that many bands disband because of their vocal quits. So I decided I won’t be like that. I like performing the most. I really enjoy the 5 of us performing together. So I don’t want to break this.

Do all 5 of you have the same musical direction?

No, that’s impossible. If you listen to our albums, each member has a different musical color. We color it FTISLAND together. Jaejin’s song can turn out different if I sing it. I may be singing them but it’s important to FT-fy them.

What do you dream as a musician?

It’s always the same. To be a ‘rock star.’

What’s Lee Hongki’s rock spirit?

Freedom. Not the rough kind but a peaceful freedom. Peace. I hate being complicated.

How will you be spending 2018?

I’ll have to be busy until I enlist in the army. Now that Soohyun (Kim Soohyun) has gone to the army, I feel like I need to start getting ready for it. I want to be the singer and actor that people can wait for. I want people to ask, “is Lee Hongki done serving yet? I want to hear his song again.” That’s why I plan to work even harder.

How will you describe today’s shoot with 3 SNS hashtags?

First of all, #OffEarly. I had so much fun that it ended fast. And #FurCoat #Allure_MustHave

Knit top & pants (ACNE STUDIO), Pants (NOHANT), Sunglasses (GENTLEMONSTER) *** Cr. Allure Korea + DJ. Pri @tumblr.com ;; Twitter @ChocopieK