#I’ve done like 4 hours of research today

[sadstrever]

i’m still 114lbs. i feel sick. yesterday was an awful day, i came home and had an out of body chew and spit session. i wish there was more research on this part of ed’s, or just more people who talked about it because i can’t be alone in this. i refuse to believe i’m the only sick person who does disgusting shit like this. anyways the reason why i call it an out of body experience is because it’s almost like binging-just without all the swallowing of food. i came home and immediately started doing it and filled up 1 and 1/2 2 liter bottles with food. i spent 5 hours doing this without even realizing and pretty much emptied out my whole families fridge. the guilt i felt afterwards was worse than a binge in my opinion. not only did i totally waste SO MUCH food, make a huge mess, ended up with disgusting bottles of mush in my room, i also have to face the consequences of my family coming home to an empty fridge. but when they got home they were happy that i “ate.” god i’m such a fucking piece of shit.

anyways after all that i took 4 laxatives to try and get the guilt of wasting the food out of me. i woke up in the morning today in terrible pain but still had to go to class, cuz what am i supposed to tell my parents? “yeah i haven’t eaten in almost a month and basically just threw all the food we have out in the trash and i also took 4 laxatives, can i please stay home tehe?” so i went to 1 class and ended up leaving because the pain was so excruciating. straight from class i went to the gym and somehow burnt 900 calories because i guess that’s what guilt does to me. i had to take the bus 2 hours home afterwards(bus delays and i went to a new further gym location this time), high out of my mind. i’m home now and my stomach hurts but the laxatives finally did their job. i don’t want to keep doing this. 4 years ago i said i’d recover and then i didn’t. since then i’ve forgotten about recovery (with the exception of a few random moments here and there that i block out immediately), i am so used to living in this fucking misery that i didn’t realize how abnormal my reality is. i don’t want to be a bad person anymore. but i can’t stop lol.

this is what bothers me about the girls who romanticize this disorder SO MUCH, when much of the time they haven’t realized how difficult it can become. i know i’ve done this, even now sometimes as a coping mechanism. but man, i’m sick of it.

i have a friend who writes poetry and she wrote a poem about eating disorders that make me so fucking angry. the thing is, i’ve known her for years and she’s always had the best relationship with food out of most of the people i know. she’s naturally pretty thin(not too thin but normal) and she’s very open about her struggles. i know every single one of her stories, i know she’s diagnosed with adhd. that’s HER disorder, that i don’t understand so i DONT write fucking POETRY about it. a few months ago she kind of forced me into opening up about my eating disorder. after i did, suddenly she started writing these stories about her eating disorder-very very very suspiciously similar to mine. i obviously didn’t tell her everything but i told her about how long this has been going on and just my emotions about it. seeing her start to adapt my fucking disorder into her poetry disgusted me. she glamorized the fuck out of it and made me feel so stupid for ever opening up about it. she’s naturally skinny so she got a bunch of support from our friend group from it and i’m just upset man. i’m sick of living in misery while other people can use the idea of living in pain for attention.

i promised my best friend that in 3 weeks i’ll go back to therapy and try my best to recover. it’s not true. man it’s never fucking true. it’s never fucking over. unlike ms.deep-poetry-girl i can’t just fucking write this and log off and then eat a good warm meal and talk to my parents without them mentioning my body. i can’t wake up tomorrow morning and hug them without worrying that they’re gonna feel my bones. i can’t wear shorts anymore without people noticing the bruises. i can’t go to school and keep my focus because i have nothing to feed my brain. i can’t let anyone get close because soon enough they’ll be just like YOU. OR they’ll hate me for not wanting to get better. i can’t love myself like you do because of the disgusting things i do each day. i can’t wake up thinner and suddenly stop hating myself. FUCK YOUUUUUUUU GOD IM SO SICK OF IT GOD. whatever im done. just sick and tired.

[madlyfluffy]

I JUST PICKED UP MY RADIATION DETECTORS THEYRE SO BEAUTIFUL I tucked them in ❤️😭😭😭 sleepy

[lovelyisadora]

it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me

[sorryiwasasleep]

In a really fucking frustrating state of being right now and SOMETHINGS gotta give but I’m just… stuck.

I’m fucking STUCK and I can’t get any work done for anything, no matter how much I do (or don’t) want to do that thing.

Like right now, today, all I’ve wanted is to WRITE.

Just… something, anything.

I WANT to write and work on literally any of my fics since I haven’t written anything in three months

And I ALSO actually WANT to write the Final Research Paper that I have to write for one of my courses that only has to be around 3800 words (including footnotes) and is officially due Next Saturday.

The draft version of that paper was due last Saturday. I haven’t sent the Professor a draft yet. Because I don’t even have the paper STARTED. Despite having had my topic picked out for months. Despite having done a fuck ton of reading and compiling of sources. Despite having a ton of passion and care for the subject matter.

Because I open the word document and my eyes just fucking glaze over. I lose all semblance of coherent thought or ability to connect my ideas in a manner that is fitting academia.

So I think, okay, step back, take a break, maybe I need a palette cleanser from writing my LAST big paper that took my three fucking months to write and was also handed in late— I’ll try and crank out a new chapter for one of my fics, since I’ve had the plot points planned out for nearly all my WIPs for months now. But I open those documents and it’s just the same fucking thing.

Nothing gets typed. Nothing gets done. I waste hours feeling restless and unable to settle on one singular activity because I want to do something but nothing I actually do is right and so I continue to feel unsettled and restless and it’s fucking annoying.

And I want to fucking cry and freak out and I don’t even KNOW how to BEGIN to apologize to my professor for the complete radio silence I’ve gone on them about this paper with the not-turning-in the draft and seemingly ignoring their email about my lack of submission when really I’ve done nothing but think about that email for 4 days because I didn’t want to answer without a draft to send but I STILL haven’t fucking been able to get anything done.

Fuck.

Just fuck.

[hotcheetohatredwastaken]

Wild’s Wolf: Febuwhump Day 4 -- Obedience (Modern AU)

“Tell me about him,” Time said as he walked down the dim research facility’s hallway, flipping through the binder in his hands. He’d already scanned through its pages at the dinner table that morning over his coffee, and again as Malon, his lovely wife, drove him to work for this impromptu… assignment. The boy’s picture sat taped in the back of the binder. He glared up at the taker of the picture viciously, his too-sharp teeth bared in a snarl and those odd long ears of his pinned back against his head. His blue eyes were pale, his skin nearly translucent against the white wall behind him. “He doesn’t look very happy with you people.”

A dry laugh. “He’s not. Appears to be male, approximately twelve years old, assuming that his species ages similarly to humans,” said the researcher walking alongside him. “Has blond hair, blue eyes, and heavy scarring along his left side. Hasn’t spoken a word we could understand since we caught him out near the city a few days ago. He’s been obstinate, aggressive—”

“I’ve read all of that in the reports you’ve given me. I want to hear your impression of him.”

They thought for a while. They stopped in the hallway, then led him into a room. Many other researchers in lab coats sat at computers or peered through the window taking up the far wall of the room. Beyond it was the room in which they held the… subject. It appeared to be empty.

“... he’s just a scared kid, I think,” they said at last. Time furrowed his brow, opening his mouth to ask just where he was, but they pointed towards the bed in the corner of the room. The covers of the single bed had been dragged down to form a sort of wall around the bed frame, but Time thought he saw glinting eyes in the shadow behind it. “He’s in there, hiding. Has been since the first day we got him. We had to drag him out kicking and screaming to run his labs yesterday, it wasn't pretty. Hasn’t eaten or drunk a thing we haven’t given him through an IV, so far.”

Time sighed, thumbing back through the folder. “And you have me here for the linguistic issue?” he confirmed, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. He’s shouted at some of us a few times, but his language is unlike any we’ve ever heard. Figured that we’d give you a call since you’re the great professor, see if you could figure out what we’re dealing with.”

“Of course, of course.” Time dropped his hand to his pocket, checking whether the pouch that held his jabbernuts was still there. Magic made it surprisingly easy to make a living as a linguistics professor with a knack for quickly learning any language he encountered. It wasn’t like he was expected to teach anyways, and captive audiences were the best ones, after all. Of course, if anyone found out about that magic… he was already cutting it too close, having government agencies contacting him for his abilities. Time returned his attention to the room across from the glass. “What are your plans for… him?”

“Confidential information, I’m afraid,” they replied smoothly. “All we need from you today is a confirmation of whether or not he speaks a human language. We may bring you back if we need to set up a mode of communication with him, but for now we’re just wondering about his capabilities for communication at all—level of intelligence and all that.”

“I understand,” Time answered, gazing through the window. “What… what is he? He’s not human, I believe you insinuated?”

“Will you be needing anything else?” they asked brightly, stepping between him and the pane of glass. “We’d like to get this done quickly, if at all possible.”

Time knew by their tone that it was time to stop asking questions. “No, no, I don’t need anything but an hour or two with him.” He swallowed thickly. “Thank you. Show me to him, please?”

“Gladly. Follow me.” They led him out into the hallway, then to an adjacent door. “Just be careful, he’s a biter. But I’m sure you’ll be fine.” They tapped at the keypad, then spoke into the little microphone mounted to the wall. “Open the door!”

It swung open with an eerie creak. Time took a deep breath, then stepped into the room.

First Chapter >> Next Chapter

[remembertheplunge]

This Zoe thing: it's impossible to describe in words

May 7, 2023. Sunday. 8:48pm

Home. 

Thank God

Motel living gets old.

There is such a feel of lack of privacy.

Talked with neighbor Alice on my return from Chico around 6pm this evening.

Regarding Zoe’s impending death, she said “It will be quick. It will happen soon.”

She will pick up my mail and put the trash cans up while I’m gone Wednesday to Sunday.

She said to check on donating Zoe’s body for scientific research. They pick the body up. Cremation is free.

This is ghastly to discuss. Horrible. But, it’s apparently a reality. I told Zoe today that I still don’t quite believe that she will die.

She told Javiar, her neighbor, that she wanted nothing that would extend or prolong her life.

Zoe wrote journals! I never knew. I glanced in one and saw that it was dated 1987. I brought 5 of her journals home. I will bring the rest next trip.

She said “Don’t get mad about what I wrote about you.” 

I said “I never would, that’s what journals are for.”

I brought home Red Fred, Lovable Pinky and the painting I did of LE and Anna’s house in Cassie Loving’s art class in 1983!

When I hesitated taking the painting, she said “Take it, I’m dying.” She said to take things now, they may disappear later.

Letting her precious things go is a sign that she is dying.

The first blog re: Zoe’s illness and impending death came out today.

It got 5 likes.

Driving away from Chico about 1pm, I cried.

I played on Apple Play Greg Brown’s " Spring Wind” in which one lyric is “A Spring wind  blew my list of things to do away.”

And a song I’ve never heard before Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”

And Phil Ochs. “Changes”.

This feels raggedy and horrible.

It’s so hard not to feel guilty about all that I could have done that I didn’t through the years for Zoe.

So, I breath in healing.

9:55pm

I tried to sleep. I’m vey anxious. 

Such odd times. This Zoe thing. I’ve never felt like this before..

This kind of uneasiness.

It’s impossible to describe in words.

End of entry

Notes:

My sister, Zoe, died May 14, 2023. 

I live in Modesto, California. Chico, where she died, is a 4 hour drive north from here. 

LE and Anna were my father’s parents. The house I painted was their 1926 home they had built in Lincoln Nebraska. That is the city I was born in in1955.

Alice, my neighbor is a retired nurse. She also said on May 7 that my sister’s death would be a rough ride. It was. Zoe died of pancreatic cancer.

Red Fred and Lovable pinky were stuffed animal dog’s that we had as children.

Cassie Loving was my art instructor and later close friend in Placerville, California. I began practicing law in Placerville in the early 1980’s.

Walking up to the court house Monday May 8 here in Modesto, I got the call from Zoe that the Doctor earlier that day said that she had weeks to live. 

I returned to Chico Tuesday May 8. 

[feralandmoonstruck]

Moonstruck Ch 4. First Date

18+ only! This WIP contains explicit material

“Thanks for grabbing us a table,” Ezra said as he took the seat across from Apollo. A nervous sigh escaped him.

Apollo, all ease, gave him a smile. “It’s nice to see you somewhere outside of the coffee shop.”

“Couldn’t leave all of our meetings up to fate.” He grinned back and picked up his menu.

“I’m glad you thought so too. How’s the unpacking going?”

“Long. I’ve got another six boxes to get through before I’m done.”

“Moving is always a pain in the ass.”

“Tell me about it,” Ezra sighed. “Actually, don’t. I don’t want to talk about moving.”

Apollo chuckled, “What do you wanna talk about?”

“How was work?”

“It was good. Got to work with one of my favorite clients.”

“Yeah?”

“Lizzie’s great. She’s been a client for about three years now.”

Ezra nodded along. “Three years is a long time. I think?”

“I just supplement her other stuff. She’s a professional burlesque dancer but she comes to me for strength and endurance training.”

“I remember those days. I was a gymnast all the way up through high school.”

“Really? That’s awesome!”

Ezra hid a smile in his menu. “Thanks. I got tired of the constant, grueling schedules. Being told what to eat and do and wear every minute of the day. I gave it up the minute I could.”

“Damn. That sounds like it’s even more of a pain in the ass than moving.”

“It was,” Ezra laughed. “The older I got, the more annoyed I became with the food restrictions. Especially during competition season. I started researching more and more about foods and how it intersected with athletics, and it just grew from there.”

“Do you only work with athletes?”

“Nah. I work with everybody, but my special interest lies in athletes and former athletes.”

“That’s really cool, man.”

Ezra grinned. “Do you work every day?”

Apollo shook his head. “My schedule is really flexible, so I can take off when I need to.”

“Did you-”

“Nope. Lizzie was my only client today. Tomorrow I’m booked solid though.”

“Lucky I asked when I did then.”

The waitress arrived to take their order and their menus. When she left, Apollo picked up the conversation where it had left off.

“I’m glad you did. Going another week without getting to see you would have sucked.”

Ezra’s cheeks grew pink.

“Shit. Did that come out weird?”

“What?” Ezra tipped his head to the side, “Weird how? I don’t think it was weird.”

“That’s good. I haven’t been on a first date in years.”

“That makes two of us then. Tell me something else about you? I know you like to run and see the sunrise.”

“I do search and rescue sometimes.”

“Jesus. And I thought my job kept me busy.”

“I don’t like downtime. I like to keep moving.” Apollo took a drink of his water.

“I like downtime, but when it happens at work it just makes the day drag. That doesn’t happen often though. Busy days can drag too, but not in the same way.”

“That I completely get. Sometimes there’s just too much stuff and not enough hours.”

Ezra chuckled. “Those days are worse than unpacking.”

“My offer still stands to help you unpack.”

“There’s only six boxes left.”

“And how long will they take to get through?”

Ezra dropped his head, “Longer than they should.”

“You have my number.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“What do you like to do for fun?”

“I know what you’re gonna think, but I like going to craft breweries. They have fun flavors you can’t find at a store.”

“I don’t drink, so I’ll take your word for it.”

Ezra gave him a smile, “Your turn.”

Apollo returned it. “You’re one of very few people who haven’t immediately asked why I don’t drink.”

“Lots of people don’t drink for lots of different reasons. It’s like me saying I don’t like watermelon.”

“Thanks for that. I like to play video games.”

“Let me guess, first person shooters?”

Apollo laughed. “That’s what everyone always says, but no. They make me mad motion sick. I like co-op RPGs or fighting games. Something I can play with Ilya.”

“Is Ilya your roommate?”

Fuck. That wasn’t supposed to come up yet. Shit. I wasn’t prepared for this. Goddammit I shouldn’t have said anything.

“You good,” Ezra asked at the worried look on Apollo’s face.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. What about you? Do you game?”

“I play dating and farming sims. Lame, I know,” Ezra laughed.

“Never played one. But if that’s your jam then that’s your jam.”

“They’re super chill.”

“I bet they would be.”

The waitress brought out their food.

“Fate says you should let me try a bite of that,” Ezra said, pointing to Apollo’s crepes with his fork.

“Fate says so?” Apollo chuckled, “better not tempt it anymore than we already have.” He pushed his plate closer to Ezra so that he could take a bite.

“Fuck that’s good. You want some of mine?” Ezra slid his plate towards the middle of the table, offering up his eggs benedict.

Apollo leaned over, cutting out a bite with the edge of his fork. Egg yolk and hollandaise soaked the english muffin, creamy avocado, and the crisp bite of pickled jalapenos burst with flavor within Apollo’s mouth. He closed his eyes and sat back. “I’m definitely ordering that next time I come here. They didn’t have it last time.”

“We could keep sharing,” Ezra offered.

Apollo’s eyes flickered to him. “Do you think it’s what fate wants?”

“It’s what I want.”

“Should we get extra plates?”

Ezra shrugged, “ I don’t mind eating like this.”

“I don’t either.”

They ate a few more bites in silence.

“I wonder,” Apollo said, “if I could replicate that benedict.”

Ezra blinked at him, “You cook, too?”

“Someone in the house has to. You can only live on takeout and pizza for so long.”

“Is there anything you can’t do?”

Apollo shrugged. “Dunno. I can’t do my taxes. Does that count?”

Ezra shook his head and laughed. “You work out, you cook, you like nature, you’re a personal trainer, you’re funny, you’re a Greek god. How have you not been on a date in years?”

“A few reasons. I mostly haven’t been interested in anyone. How have you not been on a date, Mr. doctor, cutie, gymnast?” He took another bite of his crepe. There was one bite left, which he saved for Ezra.

“My last relationship didn’t end great. I haven’t been interested in anyone else since.”

“Sorry to hear that, Ez.”

“It’s whatever. I’ve moved on.” Ezra shrugged.

“I saved this for you,” Apollo said in an attempt to lighten the mood. He spun his plate so the final bite faced Ezra.

“That’s yours, you should have it!”

“Fate says it’s yours now.”

Ezra laughed. “If fate insists, I guess I should then.” He picked up the last bite with his fork and brought it to his mouth. “Thanks, Apollo.”

“Of course.”

“Here, you can have the rest of mine if you want it. I’m stuffed.”

“You sure?”

“Definitely,” Ezra nodded.

“Thanks.”

After breakfast, Apollo walked Ezra to his car. Ezra leaned against the door, shielding his eyes from the sun with one hand so he could look up at Apollo. Apollo adjusted so that his shadow fell on Ezra’s face.

“Um, Ez?”

“Yeah?”

“I have a confession to make.” Apollo’s fingers began to tap against his thigh.

“You’re secretly married and I’m going to be your mister.”

Apollo laughed. “That’s surprisingly close, but no. Well, I mean, kinda? But not really.”

“Now you really have to tell me.”

Apollo’s hand moved from tapping his thigh to running his thumb over the edges of his nails.“I’m polyamorous.”

Ezra blinked, but Apollo rushed on.

“I know. I’m sorry. I really hope you don’t think I was stringing you along. Because I do really like you.”

“Do you-”

“Have a boyfriend? Yeah. His name is Ilya. I hope that’s okay?” Apollo hung his head, heartbeat throbbing against his chest.

“Wow. That’s uh, I was just joking when I said that.”

“I know, but you were really close to the truth.”

“Closer than I expected.”

“Much closer.”

“Well fuck. Okay. If we’re dropping bombs, I guess I should share mine, too.” Ezra took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m trans.”

Without hesitation, Apollo’s face split into a grin. “Hell yeah! One of my little sisters is trans, too. Her name is Abigail. Maybe you could meet her someday.”

“You took that surprisingly well.”

“And you took me being poly surprisingly well.”

“About that,” Ezra said.

All of the air went out of Apollo. His smile disappeared, heart falling to his feet. This is it. This is where he leaves. Fuck!

“When would I get to meet your boyfriend?”

Apollo blinked, trying to reign in his hopes. “Whenever you want. If you want, that is.”

Ezra chewed his lip. “The thing is, Apollo. I’ve never been with someone that’s poly. Hell, I’ve never even met someone that’s poly. Or at least not that I know of. But I do like you. I do. Does he even know about me?”

“I told them yesterday. Kendrick, Ilya’s boyfriend, is the one who found your note in the bag. That was clever, by the way.”

“Hold on. Let me see if I’m following along correctly. You’re dating Ilya, who is dating Kendrick?”

“Yeah.”

“But you and Kendrick aren’t together?”

“Not romantically, no.” Apollo scuffed the toe of his shoe against the ground. “Kendrick and I have known each other since we were kids. He’s my best friend. But, we do sleep together.”

Ezra frowned. “Wow.”

“I know,” Apollo mumbled.

“Where do I fit into this?”

Apollo finally looked up. “I like you, Ezra. I want to keep getting to know you. You don’t really need to worry about Kendrick, he’s not interested in anyone that isn’t Ilya.”

“Except when he’s fucking you.”

“Except then.”

“And Ilya?”

“He’s fine with it. We want each other to be happy. That’s the most important thing for us.”

Ezra nodded. “That’s good. Happiness is important.”

“I want you to be happy, too. Whatever that means for you. For us.”

Ezra’s mouth twisted. “I’m going to need some time to process all of this. It’s.. it’s a lot to take in.”

Apollo nodded. Nervous fingers were clenched into fists to steady them. “I understand.”

“I’ll text you in a few days. Is that alright?”

“Yeah. Sorry to drop all of this on you, but I thought now would be a good time to bring it up.”

“It was. I’ll talk to you soon, though.”

“Talk to you soon.”

Apollo stepped back so that Ezra could get in his car. He waited until the engine started before he moved out of the way and crossed the parking lot to his own car.

Alone, he couldn’t breathe anything that wasn’t Ezra’s scent. It clung to his clothes, the inside of his car, his heart. He inhaled deeply. For just a minute he let himself close his eyes and daydream. Let himself get swept up in every little moment of the breakfast they had shared. That, at least, was worth remembering.

Finally, he pulled himself back to the present and started his car.

[whentherewerebicycles]

now I’m all riled up and don’t want to work lol. but fine ok let me think about what needs to get done today. I will consider this day a rousing success if I actually sit down and finish fully prepping the two-hour workshop, including creating the pre-workshop assignment and making the materials (handouts, activity instructions, PPT) I’ll need to lead the class. I just looked over some notes I took last month and was pleasantly surprised to find I’ve actually done most of the planning work.

I think this will be the loose structure:

WARMUP: short freewrite >> partner share to break the ice and prime them for the activity. maybe something like: what did you benefit from most (personally/professionally) in your summer placement? what are you looking for more of in your next summer experience (in terms of professional experiences you want to have, skills you want to develop, types of issues you want to engage with, etc)? then we’ll do a partner share or I might have them write keywords from their responses on the board so they can see a wide spectrum of answers that might spark other ideas/thoughts… tbd gotta think about whether they would actually get something out of that.

ACTIVITY 1: finding summer opportunities

I think I’ll probably start with a PPT overview of the options available to them (maybe accompanied by a handout). I think I might make a chart with a breakdown of 4-5 different options. let’s see that could include: 1) working a regular (non-academic) summer job, 2) doing a structured immersive summer institute like an REU, 3) doing part- or full-time paid research a faculty member, 4) pursuing a professional internship, and 5) taking summer classes with a community or industry placement component. maybe the chart could have different rows to help them better understand the pros and cons of various options… like an REU gives you a cohort- and campus-based experience with paid housing whereas working in a prof’s lab probably doesn’t… but an REU is a full-time commitment that might require you to be out of state for most of the summer, so it isn’t as workable for some people who have family responsibilities or want to continue working part time through the summer. or like, taking summer classes would help you progress towards your degree faster, but you’d have to pay for the credits and you wouldn’t get a mentored work experience in the same way that you might through an internship, etc etc.

after we’ve gone through the options maybe I have them spend a few minutes thinking through their summer plans and freewriting about which makes the most sense for them, which they can then discuss very briefly with a partner or keep to themselves depending on time. maybe I can even create a worksheet for them to fill out that guides them through articulating priorities/needs… like I’m looking for this many hours, I need housing vs. don’t need housing, I want to be in this area or I want to go out of state, etc.

then I’ll show them several databases and resources for finding summer opportunities and have them spend 10-15 min exploring, with the goal of finding 2-3 opportunities that seem like a good fit. I think we will write these on the board and I’ll have them do a little gallery tour type thing where they find a partner (maybe someone they know shares similar interests) and introduce them to the ones they found… I think it’s worth taking a little time to do this as it’ll expose them to lots of possibilities and help them visually see just how much STUFF is out there. and I’ll ask them to add a couple options to their list based on what they hear from their peers.

the concrete things they’ll leave with: their worksheet/freewrite articulating what they’re looking for + 3-4 specific summer options.

BREAK (I’ll bring baked goods/snacks)

ACTIVITY 2: writing a personal statement

we’ll do a quick poll—how many have written personal statements or essays or research statements for an application before?

pose the question: what does the personal statement do? what purpose does it serve? maybe have them talk with a partner, then toss a bunch of ideas up on the board?

small group activity. hmmmm this is the part I’m not sure of yet. I want to give them two sample SOPs to read that feel pretty different from each other (or an SOP and a cover letter maybe?) and hmm maybe I’ll have them use colorful markers or highlighters to annotate. I could ask them to look for the following: 1) evidence of interest in the topic, 2) evidence of past experience or demonstrated skills related to the topic, 3) details that reveal something about what the person might be like as a learner, coworker, etc. is that specific and useful enough?? might need to think a bit more about what I want them to get out of this exercise… HMM.

group debrief of some kind after… OR idk it could be fun to have them do a roleplay game where they pretend to be a committee evaluating the student for admission to their program… ooh if I decide to go that route I could give them a sample “bad” SOP along with the good ones (lol maybe a chatGPT generated SOP) that doesn’t give much detail… and then they could compare/contrast. I have a feeling we’ll be crunched for time so I gotta think about what the highest impact activities are… this would be fun but we could probably accomplish the same thing in a group discussion/debrief, which would require less setup. maybe I can use a little mix of small group/whole group discussion here and generate some questions to guide us. mmm I think this will be easier to conceive of once I have the sample SOPs picked out.

I think instead of doing an outlining activity for their own SOPs in class, I will have them do a closing brain dump/mind map activity where I ask them to fill an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with as many examples, experiences, details, ideas, goals for their own SOP, etc as they can generate in 5 minutes. I’ll emphasize that the goal isn’t to actually formulate your SOP or to write good sentences yet but to just kinda tip your head to the side and empty your brain onto the paper so you have a bunch of prompts or ‘sparks’ to go back to when you actually sit down to begin drafting.

mm okay. what are the big pieces I need to create or assemble?

the handout/chart of types of opportunities (this will take some time to conceptualize as I gotta think about what I want to include… I’d also like to include 2 sample options for each category so: little bit of research too)

the PPT slide that has the chart on it but also the overview of databases (or I could include this info in the chart itself?)

three sample essays for us to look at—I think I’d like to do two really solid SOPs that show a lot of personality + a fairly vapid/bland one that feels more chatGPT-y or uses a lot of boilerplate language.

PPT slide with instructions for annotating (slash color-coding) the sample SOPs

PPT slide with starting discussion questions or small group question prompts for the post-read debrief session

PPT slide with instructions for the mindmap/brain dump wrap-up activity (remind them to go back to program descriptions)

[julietteyml]

Maybe stop calling ADHD a “superpower”?

I’ve come across articles and people in Singapore (where I live) calling ADHD a “superpower”, by both people who have ADHD and people who don’t but who  advocate for more awareness of neurodivergence. I’ve found it to comes across as reductionist and somewhat condescending if we just leave it at that, without mentioning the downsides.  

Everything should be interpreted in context. In Singapore, ADHD is unknown by the vast majority of people. Mental health and any kind of neurological “disorder” is, for the most part, taboo/shameful to talk about and can be seen quite negatively. This is changing slowly as more people discuss these things openly. 

So, yes, reframing ADHD as a “superpower” is more positive when compared to the alternative of viewing people with ADHD as defective, broken objects of pity, shame and stigma. So, I get why advocates seek out language that appears to be empowering (who doesn't want a superpower?!).

But to me, it sounds like sugarcoating and trying to make our different (under-researched) brain-based differences less complex to neurotypical society. It rings like people-pleasing.

To anyone who struggles to manage their ADHD symptoms in their everyday life, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like a superpower.

***

Here are the areas people refer to when evoking ADHDers’ superpowers:

- the links between ADHD + creativity

- ADHD’s links to critical thinking and questioning things

- ADHD’s links to thinking outside the box, because our brain makes connections between disparate things in ways that others may not put together

- our almost mythical ability to “hyper focus” (the subject of gazillions of ADHD memes!)

Thing is, these things come together with a whole host of other symptoms, which are far less cool, and not talked about.

HERE’S AN EXAMPLE

I co-wrote 2 academic books. That was achieved through extended periods of hyper focus, scattered between periods of extreme distractedness.

In hyper focus mode, I’d sit for 10 hours at a stretch, bc I told myself “I must finish this chapter today”. I would not eat, drink, shower, get up, my butt was glued to the chair. Now, I got the chapter done, and you could say “wow, that’s so productive!”. But hyper focus, unchecked as it often is with ADHD, is not fun and is damaging to the body. 

What’s also interesting to look at, are the causes for hyper focus. sometimes it’s part of the ADHD brain: when you’re doing something that *starts off* being fun/smth you enjoy, then you don’t find the “off”/”end task” button. Sometimes, it’s coerced, the result of extreme self-discipline which is a learnt/compensatory behavior to cope with external expectations/pressures of (neurotypical) society. Either way, hyper focus is not to be glorified, or used to sing the praises of the “productivity” of ADHDers (according to capitalistic standards), because it can come at such a high cost to us.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE

About creativity. Yup, we do get a million thoughts, images, memories flitting in quick succession in our brain and that makes us come up with weird, original ideas/solutions. ADHD’s sometimes described as “bees in my head” or as a big intersection without redlights/round-about where cars are just rushing forward in every direction. In this high-flux it’s probably to have lots of great ideas, along with lots of not-so-great ideas. 

Thing is, ADHD sometimes makes prioritizing harder, so 1) we have trouble deciding which is a good or not-as-good idea. 2) it’s tiring to have brain never switch off. I wish I didn’t have such a hum in my head at all times. 3) we are forgetful (short term memory is impaired with ADHD) and so a lot of ideas are forgotten, or it takes a lot of our RAM to try and remember them/record our ideas on bits of paper/find system to record/remember these ideas. 4) if we don’t act on our ideas, it creates a sensation of backlog, and I for instance can feel overwhelmed, lost and feel like I’m failing, because I have so many projects I want to do, but I never have time to do them all.

These are just examples of how these so-called “superpowers” come with less neat, sometimes quite impairing feelings/behaviors/symptoms. If only we could somehow isolate the “superpowers” but we can’t because that’s not how it works.

Thanks for reading.

[elizainjapan]

June 1st- Rice Farming and Free Day

Today was super informative, and while I didn’t think I would enjoy walking through the mud in socks for an hour, it turned out to be pretty fun. My day started off early with another quiz. I had done the readings the night before, but it was still a jump scare because we had to be on the bus by 8am. I had to skip breakfast again to take it. Once we were on the bus, Nico entertained us with some improv stand-up for the better half of an hour. He killed it, and I’m sure he’s the most extroverted person that I’ve ever met. The rice fields were beautiful too, I didn’t expect there to be so many flowers around. Once we made it to the fields, I was pretty nervous about steeping bare socks in mud, but it ended up feelings kinda nice. In the end, I feel like I planted a good half of a row. I’m sure it will be uprooted immediate yo the done correctly but the sentiment was definitely there. Unfortunately, we ran out of rice plants faster than expected, so we had a good hour and a half to kill before we could take the bus back. I hung out with Sam, Aulora, Nico, Raj, and Vishnu for most of it. We played one game of hide and seek before realizing that was a really stupid idea. It was at this point that my head started to really hurt, and I could feel myself getting tired again. Once we got back on the bus, I could’ve immediately fallen asleep, but I tried to push through. I got home and showered before taking the train (by myself!!!!!) to Shibuya! I was so impressed with myself, and I finally felt like I was in a big city. I met up with some family for drinks there and it was very cute. I was debating staying out in Shibuya until some other classmates got there for dinner at 6, but my head was hurting so badly that I was starting to see black on the side of my vision. On the train home, I got a little misty eyed thinking about how I’m really here. It doesn’t seem real at all. I really appreciated the alone time on the train. This euphoria didn’t last too long though, because as soon as I got home, I knocked out. I woke up about 4 hours later with my head still pounding. I’ll probably run and get Advil when I finish this post. Anyways, that was my day! I’m excited for my free day tomorrow.

Academic Reflection-

There were multiple times today when I noticed similarities between the readings and our activity. I have a personal interest in agriculture because I’m doing research on the effects of pesticides in Florida’s agricultural hub, particularly related to birth defects. In the second reading by Jones and Kimura, they briefly mentioned the small-farm pesticide issue that Japan’s industry faces. I am also very interested in policy, so that entire reading was very prevalent to me. The first correlation I found today was when we got off the bus to see full-on suburbia. In Florida, there is no way you would ever find a tomato farm surrounded by hundreds of houses and apartments. The readings mentioned that Japan has hundreds of these tiny farms that consist of part-time workers, but I didn’t understand how small these areas were until I was there. I could see the issue in lack of industrial tools on such small farms (even though I know that this specific rice field we went to was for visitors and educational services).

The second correlation I found with the readings was in the working population. While there were many school children visiting for field trips, the actual farmers were super old! The man who brought a wheelbarrow of plants for us to sow was at least 70, which is absolutely insane. I could not imagine my grandfather even lifting a wheelbarrow, much less planting rice for hours a day. I could understand why the sons of these family farms decide to leave for the city, but the effect that has on the working class is very unique to Japan. In my research on Florida, the average age of migrant workers is about 40. The fact that the majority of Japanese farmers are over 70 is insane.

[unschooledramblling]

Hi tumblr! Long time no see, been up to things and thinking of a post when I’m not amazingly inspired is difficult 😭 however I’m back now and hopefully I’ll have the motivation to post consistently. Little life updates, yesterday I made some arepas con queso, a delicious Colombian pastry that also stars in Disney’s encanto! They were lovely. The dish is normally made with cheese whoever My little brother is not that into cheese except on pizza so I put in some chocolate spread instead. I had cheese and my mum had her gluten free cheese and decided to have a strawberry on top of one. I made arepas once about 2 years ago ish with the help of my mum but yesterday I did them all on my own! The photo is pretty bad quality compared to the ones of my chocolate cake, as this was quickly snapped on my tablet while I was cooking the first two, the photos of the cake were taken on my mums phone with an exceptional camera, (compared to my tablet at least!) I have a friend who enjoys being in the kitchen and likes making cakes and treats and she really inspires me to make my own food and such, ♡

Now onto what my post is actually about.

home-educating is so much harder than I thought for families and and even kids and teenagers themselves! I had the privilege to grow up with a mother who 1st of all had no other choice than to home-educate my older brother who wouldn’t have been able to handle school for more than an hour. 2nd of all I have older siblings who she parented very differently and I think she wanted to try and be better, 3rd of all, by the time I was old (and ready) enough to be educated of any kind my mum had done a lot of research into homeschooling for my brother, and had been doing that for about a year (or somewhere around that number as that was years ago my memory is quite hazey) so when I became home educated at about 4-6 ish my mum sort of knew what she was talking about. Some of the friends I’ve made recently I’ve come to realise their experience with becoming and what it’s like being home educated is entirely different to mine! I started to realise that fact after my mum and I were talking about our day with friends and my mum out of nowhere said to me “I didn’t realise how hard homeschooling is! It just comes natural to me” and it really got me thinking. I have friends and have had friends who aren’t even out of the school roll and usually are going/have gone back to school! I never really realised how hard pushing out the mold like that is. Like my mum said it just comes natural to me. I also think it’s important to mention how much pressure most home-educating mums are under! One of the reasons why homeschooling is so hard for most is because of the deep deep rooted ideas and mindsets that come from school brainwashing. And these ideas that your child(ren) should be hitting specific milestones at specific ages can cause a lot of pressure! This even happens before school age, where mums are pressured for their child to be walking and talking at really specific ages when that’s just not how development works! I’m so glad home educating and homeschooling is becoming slowly more mainstream, as when I decide to have kids I will be 2nd generation homeschooling and I will have the plus that I never properly went through the school system myself and so the pressure is entirely off, today is a shorter post as I find it hard to write for a very long time but thank you for reading anyway! See you again soon tumblr!

[safereturndoubtful]

Through Albania and onto Greece

Thursday 26th October 2023

The lower lying coastal area of Montenegro was not for me. It was extremely humid, with the temperature hovering around 20C all day and night. With all the fresh water from the river and lake it was a haven for biting flies. I tried a couple of places out but they weren’t attractive, and there were heavy thundery showers also.

Late in the afternoon I decided to move on into Albania. It took an hour to cross the border, probably at the busiest time of day. Most of the traffic looked like commuters.

I stopped for the night just before it got dark 8 kilometres short of Shkoder, at an eco-farm, a sort of hippie place, extremely basic, but with a good vibe to it. It was as humid, but now with torrential rain. I sat with Roja in the communal area chatting with some Danish cyclist, one of whom had been hiking the Kungsleden at the same time I was on it last year. More mosquitos drove me back to the van.

Today I drove though Albania and into the Western Macedonia area of northern Greece, across the same border I had cycled over 5 years ago. It took 5 minutes.

I’m done with the low-lying humid areas for now, and considered spending some time in the Albanian mountains, but in the end the hop over to Greece won. In those coastal areas where the humidity is so high and mosquitos rampage, the filth of the area is more apparent. Albania seems worse than Bosnia and Montenegro for litter, though 5 years ago I found them equally bad. I have travelled mainly in the mountains and I think more if an effort has been made in National Parks. It’s not an easy problem to solve, but in order to attract any significant number of visitors, it needs to be done.

At the Greek border the officer looked for a long time at my passport stamps, and mentioned it was because of the 90 days following limit Brexit. I asked him how long I now had, and he clearly said 90 days. I believe he is wrong, and that it should be 90 minus the days I have had in Schengen in September, but quite happy to quote him should the need arise.

Once across the border I headed for the town of Kastoria. I had researched a place to stay at a viewpoint by the Elias church above town on a piece of land the juts out into Kastoria lake. It’s was a pleasant 18C cooling nicely in the evening, back up also at some altitude, around 750 metres asl.

It’s was the longest day of driving I’ve had for a while, at about 5 hours, and not straight-forward either, on some challenging Albanian roads, and through Tirana also. We arrived just after 4 pm, Greece another hour ahead, and so had time to walk for an hour or so, and take a beer in the cafe that overlooks the lake.

Above is the route map through Bosnia and Herzegovina, and below, through Montenegro.

[jennygraham]

Intro: My First Entry About My First Novel

This is my first journal. I am doing something I never thought I would be capable of doing, something I still sometimes don’t think I’m capable of doing. I am writing a novel.

It’s been a journey and I only really 8 pages into my actual manuscript. It was 20, but I had to cut about 17 pages and save those for later. (But I’ll get to that.)

I got the idea a few months back when I had a dream about a character on a show I watch. He was a minor character and only in 3 episodes. But the dream piqued my intrigue on him enough for me to want to write an entire book about him. Except that wasn’t the plan. But I ended up enrolling in First Draft Novel Writing at school. I hadn’t even begun writing. I only had an idea. This class forced me to actually write. I was excited. And nervous. I don’t have the attention span to write a book. I can read books until my eyes fall out. But writing one is an entirely different feat.

I have had a lot of lazy days, unmotivated days, exhausted days, braindead days, productive days, creative days. I’ve had days like today where I got a lot done. I’ve had days like yesterday where I come home from work ready for a nap. I’ve had days where my brain won’t turn on and do its job.

My first chapter, around 17 pages, was workshopped last week. I also wrote my second chapter the same day. It was in second chapter that revealed a plot hole in the first. I had to undo the first chapter entirely and redo. Granted, I intend to use the first chapter later in the book, so all is not lost. I put off the rewrite all week. Today, I finally sat down and did it. I like it. I’m proud of it. Now I can move forward with the rest of the novel.

Today, I also began an outline. It’s very vague and general and I only have the first 4 chapters, but it’s a start.

So far, I have been excited and wanted to bang my head against the desk. Sometimes at the same time. I’ve been drained and feeling like I hit a wall. I have felt proud, inspired, and accomplished. I intend to use this space to discuss my goals, what I’ve accomplished, and how I’m feeling about the entire process of writing a book.

Today, I have class at 4:30. I arrived on campus between 11 and 11:30. After reading the work we need to workshop and give feedback on today, I was able to work on my book. I did well for a few hours. I even researched New York City to get a feel for the location I was writing about. I love New York and have a general idea. But I needed to figure out where in the city my female protagonist, Emily, lives and works. I looked at homes in Manhattan and Brooklyn and checked out restaurants in Central Park. I also wrote 4 pages of the first chapter. It isn’t done, but I did a lot of what I wanted to do with the chapter.

I had a very productive day today and I hope to get more done after I get home from school tonight. We shall see.

It’s the end of the night (around 2:30 am). I’ve written more, much to my surprise. I wrote an interview with Rod to get to know more. It went well. I learned what he wants and how much the media still has a hold on him. He thinks he calls the shots, which he doesn’t. (That’s a lie I tell myself. I know Rod has some control over his story and some days, I’m just the scribe.) Next up. I’m going to interview Emily. I hope to also talk to Elizabeth, Rod’s brother, Emily’s friends, Emily’s parents, anyone around Rod and Emily who is willing to talk. But for tonight, I am going to bed. Until next time.

Write on.

[whentherewerebicycles]

mmkay pretty good day and read for a few hours before bed instead of mindlessly scrolling. well with some mindless scrolling thrown in there but ah well. the week below the cut

tomorrow—wfh day with one meeting 12-1, a vet visit at 2:30, and a haircut at 7:30pm of all times (it was the only one I could make work in the next few weeks). I think in that 8-12 slot I want to focus mostly on the program research stuff and not on upcoming projects… I keep pushing it off bc no urgent deadline but also it’s important.

tues—my new person starts. handful of meetings and lots of onboarding stuff and I have to be on campus 8:30-4 bleh. might have to scramble to get some drafts done by wed.

wed—lord what a day. meetings 10-5 and then have to drive v fast over to meet M&A for a movie.

thurs—must drive into seattle in the morning for a meeting kill meeeee but I’m planning to take my afternoon meetings all from home.

fri—three back-to-back meetings but it’ll be wfh and I’ll probably peace out early since I worked many hours this weekend

it’ll be kind of a cramped week mostly bc I have so much onboarding stuff that I don’t have a lot of time to work on projects. but it seems doable and I hope I get along well with my new person.

also my period is supposed to start tomorrow and I’m cautiously hopeful it’s close because I’ve been breaking out like crazy the last couple days, but also am trying to brace myself for having to wait many more weeks. no fucking clue what’s going on with my cycle post-pregnancy loss I am utterly at the mercy of my hormone levels. I would have finished my first trimester today. but what’s done is done and I just hope I can start trying again sooner rather than later.

[discgolfaction]

Best Innova Discs For Beginners

The Best Innova Discs For Beginners 2022

Innova Discs is the largest disc golf manufacturer in the world and that’s for a good reason: They make quality discs. So if you are a disc golf beginner and you are looking for great discs for new players than Innova is a great place to start. I’ve searched the internet and done several hours of research to locate the best Innova discs for beginners.

You aren’t going to find any really fast or overstable discs on this list. The Innova Destroyer isn’t listed here. What you are going to find is slower, understable and easy to throw Innova plastic listed here.   

Please note we’re supported by our readers. When you buy through our links we earn an affiliate commission. Thanks for your support!

Here are my picks for the best Innova discs for beginners:

Innova Valkyrie 

Innova Leopard

Innova Stingray 

Innova Aviar

Best Innova Distance Driver For Beginners

Innova Valkyrie – Speed: 9 Glide: 4 Turn: -2 Fade: 2

While distance drivers aren’t normally recommended for newer players, if you are a beginner to disc golf and still want a distance driver the Valkyrie is a great option. This disc has a lot of glide and will fly for days. It’s an understable disc which works great for players with lower arm speeds. As you progress through your disc golf game, this disc will work great for downwind shots and long turnover shots. So if you are a new player that wants a great distance driver, consider getting this disc. 

Check It Out On Amazon

Check It Out On Infinite Discs

Best Innova Fairway Driver For Beginners

Innova Leopard – Speed: 6 Glide: 5 Turn: -2 Fade: 1

The Innova Leopard is a great starter fairway driver for a newer player. It’s so good at this that you’ll see it regularly sold in Innova starter disc sets. Its combination of high glide and understability made it easy to throw far for players with slower arm speeds. While the disc does make a great beginner disc, advanced players like it too. It works great for turnover drives and can even be used for rollers. Grab one for your bag and you won’t be disappointed.  

Check It Out On Amazon

Check It Out On Infinite Discs

Best Innova Mid-range For Beginners

Innova Stingray – Speed: 4 Glide: 5 Turn: -3 Fade: 1

The stingray is an excellent option for a newer player looking for a mid-range disc. It’s an understable disc that has a lot of glide. This makes it an easy throwing disc that will glide for days. The stingray features a shallow rim which allows for a smooth consistent release which is great for beginners. It’s a good option for rollers and turnover shots too. If you are new to disc golf and looking for an excellent mid-range disc, consider the Innova Stingray. 

Check It Out On Amazon

Check It Out On Infinite Discs

Best Innova Putter For Beginners

Innova Aviar – Speed: 2 Glide: 3 Turn: 0 Fade: 1

What to say about the Aviar? Innova tells us that this is their most popular mold and the number one disc in disc golf. It was my first putter and it’s still my go-to putter to this day. It works for approaching and putting and it’s even a good option for short drives. This disc flies really straight with just a touch of fade at the end of its flight. For newer players, the Innova Aviar is a great option for a putter but it’s really a disc that all players can benefit from and you should consider putting it in their bag. Get an Aviar today!

Check It Out On Amazon

Check It Out On Infinite Discs

My Assumptions About Beginners

When I made this list for beginning disc golf players, I made some assumptions about them. I assumed that beginners have a slower arm speed than the average disc golf player. I made the assumption that beginners are looking for more distance out of their throws. Also, I assumed that newer players are using a backhand technique when throwing and not a forehand technique. 

So if you are using this list to decide on which Innova discs to go with, keep these assumptions in mind. 

What Makes A Good Beginner Disc?

When making this list I was looking for discs that were understable and had a good amount of glide. This is important because newer players tend to have a slower arm speed and with this slower arm speed will get more distance out of an understable disc. The reason glide is important is because the higher the glide the longer the disc tends to stay in the air. Discs with high glide will remain in the air longer and tend to fly further.   

My Thoughts On Disc Weight For Beginner Drivers

For beginners, I would recommend a lighter weight for drivers and mid-range discs, especially when it comes to women and younger players. New disc golfers will be able to pick up a lower weight disc and throw it farther with less effort. Some exceptions to this recommendation might be more athletic individuals and people you have a lot of experience in a throwing sport, like baseball. 

For discs, the range of 180g – 169g is considered max weight and beginners would definitely want to stay away from these weights.  New players might want to start at 160g or lower and for younger players 150 or lower. 

My Thoughts On Great Innova Plastics For Beginners

When I recommend Innova plastic to newer players, I usually recommend star or Gstar plastics for discs they are going to throw. When I say throw, I mean mid-range discs, drivers or putters they plan on driving with. The star and Gstar plastics have a great grip, are easier to control but also stand up to the damage that throwing can cause. 

For putters, I like the DX plastic. DX plastic has an even better grip than Star or GStar but isn’t as strong. DX is also a great economical option as it’s the cheapest plastic Innova provides. I would not recommend the champion plastic. While it is a great durable plastic, it’s harder to grip and champion discs tend to be more stable than other versions. 

Final Thoughts

New players should definitely consider Innova when they are buying their first discs. They make great discs that players of all skill levels would be happy with. They have so many great discs and plastic options to choose from. 

I hope my Best Innova Discs For Beginners list here has made it easy for you to pick your first disc if you are going with Innova. Pick any disc on this Best Innova Discs For Beginners list and you’ll have a great time out on the disc golf course.

[jinxed-ninjago]

So I meant to continue working on one of my Ninjago fanfictions today then I got sidetracked. For like 4 hours.

Here’s what I’ve done today:

Woke up

Wanted to look at how Adam behaves so I kinda get a better idea of how to write him

Went to watch Ninjago

Watched the first two episodes of Tokyo Ghoul instead

Tried to find a place I could watch Ninjago in Japanese

Remembered the IDW Sonic comics exist

Read the one IDW Sonic comic I haven’t read

Researched Vocaloid and Hatsune Miku because there’s a Hatsune Miku reference in the most recent IDW Sonic comic

Played some Pokémon Go

Got on YouTube

Watched Dan Howell talk to his grandma about the internet

Watch some other stuff on YouTube

Suddenly remember “hey, when I watched Tokyo Ghoul, I meant to watch Dungeon Party!, Dungeon Crawl!, and all the other Ninjago episodes that include the Upply!”

And now, about 4 or 5 hours later, I’m here

This is how I, as an autistic person, function on a daily basis.