#I’ve been saying this all day help me
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whosthere54 · 9 months ago
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Oh no… our memories… they’ve been fabled!
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itspileofgoodthings · 2 months ago
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ALSO I am learning how to teach very introverted students, something my natural skillset as a teacher does not help me with.
#one of my greatest tools in the toolkit of my teaching (imo) is that I am unpredictable#I will turn on a dime and I’ll share a thought from the depths of my soul or back of the pantry of my random opinions#that will make them laugh or hook them and they want to hear more#with a group of introverted students maybe they love to see it maybe they don’t but it doesn’t work for them to become engaged#they get so quiet and so still#and not in the good way that kind of happens but kind of just in the scared mouse kind of way#BUT. this past week I kind of had a breakthrough#I totally wasn’t planning on it but the moment was right so I talked to them about them being quiet and introverted (gently teasing them)!#and then I said ‘but do you like it when I just stand here and talk about the book’ and they were like ‘yeah! kind of the pressure is off’#and then I said ‘oh! that’s good to know. because when you’re quiet it makes me feel like you hate me’#(not realizing until I said it that that was the heart of the issue)#and they laughed in surprise (i didn’t say it in a way where I was putting that burden on them in a serious way)#and then I said ‘yeah last night I went home like ‘omg was that a stupid thing to say about Frank Churchill?? no one responded’#and then they kind of shriek-laughed at me and they were like noooooo#and then they said what if we gave you a thumbs up when you were done so you know we don’t hate you#and I said that would be great#and THEN a few days later I gave them an agenda for our discussion written out on the board#where I talked and they listened (I called it discussion with myself) and then they had questions to ponder and things to talk about#with each other. and a lot of time. and THEN I cold called them (they won’t volunteer)#but by that time they were so much more relaxed and they knew what we were doing#so they talked more! and it was so goooood#ALSO idk if it was them#or me who had changed but by the time I got to lecturing at them again#I could feel the quiet warmth that I could not before#(the absence of which is what makes speaking publicly instantly a torture to me l o l)#and it helped so much! like. they didn’t say much (some of them did the thumbs up)#but I had cleared the expectations for them and for me tbh and it helped. I was not waiting for a response from them so in fact I got more#of one. and best of all I could feel them feeling both the warmth and the power of Emma a little bit more#it is starting to click. anyway this is so much but y eah#I’ve been wrestling with this problem a l l year. cracking it in December lol
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designernishiki · 2 years ago
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it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now
#I think on another level he was sorta saying like ‘hey kiryu. you’re making it extremely clear that you don’t trust me and my intentions#and I’ve been trying to show you- over and over again- that I’d do just about anything for you and your safety#but I can’t just let my mask fall off in front of everyone- I need to keep up the unpredictable morally grey wildcard act for both my sake#AND yours. because disguising my helping you as crazy random violent outbursts and weird stalker behavior#is the only way I CAN help you. do you think it would go over well with shimano or literally anyone else if I was outright helping you out#of the kindness of my heart and fondness for you? stop being so fucking dense and look past the crazy wacky nonsense for a second and#maybe you’ll realize that all I do at the end of the day- really- is help you and put my own life and reputation on the line for you.#I am an honest guy when it comes to my real values and when I told you I wouldn’t let anyone kill you unelss it was myself- I meant it.#I’ve taken a knife and a bullet for you now. can you REALLY not see through the act yet? am I REALLY that unpredictable when you think about#it?’#that was a longer explanation than i intended but. it was difficult to put into words#I basically feel like it could be read as him implying kiryu shouldn’t backstab the people who put themselves on the line to help him#and/or pointing out that he’s never actually done kiryu dirty and has stuck to his word protecting him in the ways he can#trying to say yeah all this is a crazy act and all but when it comes down to it you Can trust me#it really makes sense when you think about it that he’d have to help kiryu/show affection towards kiryu in unpredictable convoluted ways#at that point in time because. I mean. there’s a reason he was the only person who showed up to welcome kiryu when he got out of prison#and that’s because A) he sticks to his word and his loyalty to people he cares about and B) no one else had the balls or the batshit insane#mask to wear to ward off anyone asking real questions like majima did. because ANYONE associating themselves with the supposed#patriarch-killer was a HUGE NO-NO at the time. someone important showing up for kiryu and welcoming him back outright could’ve caused#all-out warfare probably. except majima. because majima was dedicated and smart enough to use his widely-feared wildcard persona#(that everyone tended to view as incapable of having any Real agenda to worry about) to his And kiryu’s advantage#does that make sense??? I feel like it makes a lot of sense if you get it to click in your head#kazumaji#majima#kiryu#yakuza#kiwami 1#yk1#rambling
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iamthemaestro · 6 days ago
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guess who somehow got roped into being principal cellist for an ensemble whose concert they are not even going to play on
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Hello praying people, I'm not doing well and would really appreciate your prayers right now <3
#long very boring and unnecessarily detailed tag monologue incoming‚ feel free to skip:#this is going to sound like a silly thing to be hitting rock bottom over#but i’m fairly certain i have a semi-rare skin condition known as sensitive skin syndrome#which is basically where skin gets progressively more sensitive#until it won’t tolerate the topical application of anything at all without getting irritated#usually it happens to people on the skin of their face and i have it there but i also specifically have it on my lips#(which apparently is extremely not normal; i found a dermatologist’s case study from like 2019 of one woman who had it on her lips#and according to this case study there were no other cases of people having it on their lips#in all the dermatological literature he had read)#i can’t follow the protocol which all the journal articles i’ve been able to find say is helpful for the rest of the face which is basicall#leave the area the heck alone for at least a year#because if i don’t apply anything to my lips for more than two or three days they will get so dry they crack and bleed#so it’s looking like one way or another i may be having to deal with dry burning irritated lips for the rest of my life#and i’m not dealing with the thought of that very well#i’ve already suffered so much anguish from extreme sensitivity on the rest of my face#and not being able to take proper care of the skin there#and this is just too much for me#i know God is allowing this for a reason but it’s filling me with so much frustration and panic and despair that i don’t know how to go on#but i must and i will#this isn’t a serious or a life-threatening condition but it’s looking like a pretty hopeless one and it’s hurting me badly#and i would appreciate prayers that it would just be healed or that i would know what to do#i think i will try going to my dermatologist but somehow i doubt she's even heard of sensitive skin syndrome#on a COMPLETELY unrelated note i'm just about to get my period and also for two days i've ''eaten'' nothing but vegetable smoothies#and those in pretty small amounts because they're disgusting#(do a detox my hormonal health doctor said)#(it'll be fun she said)#ok if you read this far you're so brave braver than any u.s. marine etc.#thanks for reading ily <3
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mars-ipan · 7 months ago
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experiencing any level of joint pain for longer than a day or two has only reinforced my belief that ppl with chronic pain are actually the strongest motherfuckers on the goddamn planet
#marzi speaks#hi. my knees r still kinda fucked up. at some point a few days ago i hyperextended my elbows#so now those have been hurting#my traps r fucked bc i’ve been stressed and those are prone to holding tension in me#my knee pain made me walk wrong for a little bit so now i’m trying to fix that to alleviate the foot and ankle pain#oh yeah. my thumb is still tender for some reason despite the tendonitis having been healed as well#the only part of my body that hasn’t betrayed me as of yet is my spine and pelvis#i am so sick of moving and having it hurt#and like i can go about my day n shit. and have a good time#but it is always there and it is fucking annoyingggg#and ppl with chronic pain just live their whole lives like this.#and they don’t blow up and attack anyone who treats them shitty about it#and i am amazed#bc i talked to my dad abt maybe going to the doctor abt my knees to see what’s going on#bc i don’t remember injuring them at all and i don’t really feel too much improvement on a day to day#and he just gave me a stretch to do about it#now the stretch helps. but my knees still hurt. so like. what do u want from me#if i were to bring it up again he’d probably say it wasn’t a big deal. he’s seen me hobble around the house n how slow i’m moving rn#i normally run around my house. i have been walking at a pace that pisses me off bc i’m impatient#even just having like. worries that are probably exagerrated get dismissed like that has kinda made me wanna kill him a little bit#and this is something that i know is gonna heal and get better#ppl with chronic pain don’t Get That. and they are still dismissed constantly#how do you not like. murder everyone around you. the infinite patience. genuinely the strongest among us#i didn’t mean to complain in these tags as much as i did (my knees r actually doing pretty ok rn and my ankles are getting better)#but i suppose i am bitter
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morvantmortuary · 22 days ago
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okay, beloveds. stretch your pretty spines and repeat after me:
does it look like I’m fucking afraid of you?
repeat in the mirror until you can say it effortlessly and mean it, because if the last nineteen days of this year have shown us anything, it’s that we’re going to need it.
we love y’all. we’re not going anywhere. this is some bullshit, and some horseshit to boot, but for what all it’s worth, we’ll be right there with you.
this, I promise with my whole heart. 🖤
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deepseawave · 7 months ago
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obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog
Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️
Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D
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#guys help is it time for a rebranding?? am I just gonna post about f1 now??#I still can’t believe this has all started because bestie and I were watching Ted Lasso (because I’ve been obsessed with that show for a#while now too) and I paused the episode to talk about how I really like the way Jamie interacts with kids (I’m sorry people being good with#and nice to kids is one of my weaknesses I work with kids now and have been invested in treating kids well forever)#so me saying that apparently reminded her of max and she showed me a video of him with p and yeah it was very effective in making me like#him and then we left the episode on pause and she told me a lot about f1 and max specifically cause I was interested now lmao (funny thing#is that she also got roped into it by our other friends I swear it’s speeding lmao#she also compared him to Jamie from Ted lasso (if you know you know) and showed me some heart wrenching Taylor swift edits (i haven’t#emotionally recovered yet) and yeah that’s how I started consuming way too much f1 content on YouTube and got into this whole mess lmao#oh yeah our friends also made me and another friend make a Tier list for all the drivers based on vibes alone (cause I only knew a bit about#max at that time and the other one knew nothing really) which was very funny too#especially looking back at it (we did some of them so dirty lmao 😂)#I’ve also come to the conclusion that tumblr is still one of the least annoying platforms to engage with other people (still)#YouTube is full of hate comments about drivers and stuff it’s so annoying actually#not to mention Twitter but I don’t go there and probably never will 😂#I personally don’t enjoy fics and scenarios and shipping of real people cause it makes me a bit uncomfy (not judging people who do#you do you as long as it doesn’t negatively affect anyone#but yeah I’d much rather just scroll by those here than have to look away from all the mindless hate and which driver is better discussions#everywhere else like I’m not one to engage with stuff like that but it does upset me to some#degree so yeah tumblr making memes and being rather positive about their drivers (most of what I’ve seen here of course there are gonna be#annoying people everywhere) is much more tolerable and a lot more enjoyable for me#whoops this post got away from me again oh dear#I’ve had the idea for a meme stuck in my head for days now: Max verstappen but make it if you don’t love me at my *swearing on team radio#giving spicy replies and attitude to the media maxplaining and complaining going for risky overtakes* you don’t deserve me at my *precious#interactions with p talking about his cats being a goofball with other drivers and especially danny defending other drivers driving#beautifully in the rain* it’s a package deal you can’t just pick and choose and personally I don’t even get why people complain about some#of the other stuff I appreciate someone who’s passionate and honest and genuinely kind where it matters 🤷🏻‍♀️#I think I’ve seen someone else say that but the more people complain about and criticize max the more I feel the need to defend him#god forbid women have hobbies for real (can’t believe I’ve yapped so much I can’t put more tags 💀)#also shoutout to Oscar Piastri and Danny Ric (I was so happy Oscar won even tho McLaren where being very silly in a not so funny way)
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horsegirlhob · 1 month ago
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No one should take what I say to seriously. At the end of the day I’m a guy whose diet only consists of london fogs and turkey sandwiches
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butnotbubblegum · 7 months ago
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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solace-seekers · 8 months ago
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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squuote · 1 year ago
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man not to be that guy but like. if I gotta see or hear someone say the fandom is bad one more time I might just kill someone. and then kill someone again. just make an analysis post or idk do something fun and fucking shut uuup ohmy god
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yaoi-hate-machine · 8 months ago
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i have a feeling my mom (who has acted extremely upset + sympathetic about me sweating profusely in my shitty 80+ degree room) is going to tell me that they can’t help me replace my 20+ year old ac unit for $250, even tho they are about to pay Thousands of dollars to replace their central ac bc clearly her needs are more important than mine (when one of my worst and most impactful symptoms is heat intolerance, which makes me dehydrated and even more dizzy and fatigued and i’ve been getting dehydration headaches even tho i’m drinking almost a gallon a day)
#like idk if it’s just the ptsd and i’m psyching myself out for nothing but i don’t feel good abt it#to the point of being extremely anxious abt asking her abt it and not knowing how to approach the convo not angrily#it’s just extremely frustrating bc i 100% Know my stepdad has the money to help me. if he says no it’s literally just bc he doesn’t like me#and cares more abt having retirement money than me not being even more ill and suicidal than i already am#Anyway i’ve been feeling like i’m being hunted for sport all day#and regardless i’m ordering it tomorrow bc i Cannot keep living like this and it’s a basic need#it would just be like half of the money i’ve worked to save up down the drain#and even longer until i can move out which i Desperately need to do at this point#idk man it’s just like. if they don’t offer to even help w Half of the cost i will have lost All trust in Her especially#bc 99% of the time she doesn’t give a single shit what that man thinks. she spends his money Constantly#literally in the past month she spent like $300 on a Bush Trimmer and a Chainsaw#she pays $200 monthly for an art studio that she barely uses#but ah yes my immediate safety and health is too much to ask for. totally understandable#just Extremely maddening when she constantly tells me that she’ll do Anything to help me and was like Why didn’t you tell me sooner????#abt my ac not working#like my brother in christ letting me bring a tower fan up to my room is not going to fix the situation 👍#ventnote
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gayandgayerr · 2 days ago
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i love when my nervous system can’t tell the difference between waiting for an appointment and being chased by a man with a gun and a flamethrower
#like why do i feel like this#ITS A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT#i hate my brain i hate my nervous system#this one makes sense for me to be More anxious about but not This anxious about#literally popping propranolol like it’s fucking candy the past two days#i don’t even know if it’s helping i feel like when i’m this far gone it doesn’t even do anything#and it’s making me feel anxious about other stupid shit too#not gonna get into all that but like!!!#why do i feel like every aspect of my life is on fire when i’m literally just waiting for a fucking phone call#i just really really really want to stop stressing about the stupid fucking bmi thing#like how many fucking times have i said it that is THE reason i chose her#she doesn’t have the requirement#WHY WOULD YOU SCHEDULE ME AT THE FACILITY THAT DOES#honestly thank fucking god i haven’t had weight issues in the past lovebodyneutrality#cause like this is causing me so much fucking anxiety i don’t want to lose weight i haven’t wanted to lose weight i currently CANT EVEN#CAUSE MY LEG IS BROKEN#how am i supposed to do Anything to help this situation#literally can do nothing but Try to not think about it but my pure ocd looooves a thought spiral🙃🙃🙃🙃#thinking that i’m helping but thinking it through but nope!! thats actually iust making it so much worse!! those are in fact compulsions!!#and yet i Can’t Stop#chat how to stop thinking about the thing#i cannot distract myself i’ve never been able to distract myself from shit i’m this anxious about#try to watch tv and have to pause and have thought spirals or i’m gonna puke#try to do a hobby but can’t have to stop and have thought spirals or i’ll die#how to stop doing ocd compulsions when the compulsions are Your Thoughts#maybe i need to go back to my psych and try some different meds again#we havent been sure if it is ocd or just autism for like literal years but i’m feeling Pretty Sure..it would make so much sense😭😭😭#maybe i should stop saying that til ik for sure..but like several drs have asked me if i have it😭i just haven’t been able to accept it😭#also that’s not even what this is about why am i stressing about that shut the fuck up omg#i love pissing myself off talking to myself in the tags of my tumblr posts
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edge-oftheworld · 1 month ago
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when I was in high school there was a tendency whenever there was an attractive boy to simply fan over him. in a way that talked over everything he might say for himself and created a narrative that completely ignored, the fact in some cases, that he was really struggling—or if he was struggling, to pin all the blame on the girl he’s dating and completely ignore the thousands of other factors (no it can’t be mental illness or unaccommodated disability or systemic abuse or exploitation and if he is in an abusive relationship we won’t ever consider the factors that put him at risk for that)
and I’m not saying this fandom is like that. I get the need for privacy around some things and how in public conversations sometimes it’s a lot more respectful to stick to the positives (everyone who does that, I admire you) or even the struggles that are talked about publicly, show respect by not reading too far into them. there’s a time and place for that. but sometimes I feel like our only options are shitty and ableist gossip or totally ignoring the systemic and structural issues we know exist in something like the music industry until someone dies and then we’re looking for someone to blame. friends, there is a point where the respectful thing is to listen to what someone says and come together to make things better. and you can learn how to have that conversation respectfully. please do
#forever haunted by ‘I wasn’t always a cynic it’s just I’ve been bought and sold’#and actually this highlights my whole frustration with the conversation around mental health just about anywhere#like you tell people something sucks and they’re completely unwilling to even try to challenge the status quo in order to help#and idk. I tell myself they’re going to be fine. they’re so resilient. I’m doing all I can; I’m not on the ground there I’m at a distance#but at the same time is it not bittersweet sometimes to enjoy music born from trauma? to be at a live show knowing they shouldn’t be?#to me these stories have to be told for the reason that yes so people relate but also so we can do better for the next generation#anyway I’ve gotten deep into inxs lore lately and I can say. yes it is better for 5sos simply for the fact men can talk about emotions#but that didn’t come without a MASSIVE fight don’t you ever forget that. it’s gonna still carry shame. they’re choosing to fight that#but the sad songs we got as a result?? idk they’re the thing that turned me parasocial because there’s rarely absolutely nothing you can do#like if we’re ever gonna give them a gold star for talking about this stuff as early as sgfg til today we gotta ask ourselves to look at#larger systemic issues and stuff that we ARE a part of and while we can’t be there for them when they have a bad day. we can work on#anyway the high school example still haunts me. still drives some of what I do now. we were just kids. but most of us here aren’t anymore#and the newbrokenscene is grown up now and tbh the status quo should be TERRIFIED#so idk. at the very least sign the petition for liams law. advocate for better. address local issues of injustice and addiction etc#which in some ways I’m lucky that I get to do that in sydney so it feels connected but this is just as valuable anywhere#tbh the 2010s era of bubblegum pop and ignoring all our problems is over. you’re punk now. even katy released chained to the rhythm#thinking about the nfp I’m trying to start and how to start small. for disadvantaged kids maybe? intervening via urban design?#(don’t you ever forget 5sos WERE disadvantaged kids not even 20 years ago. that shit sticks to you no matter how much you achieve)#albums and activism#anyway it fascinates me to see how differently people do this kind of thing to each band member. like the vibe is different but still track#for this whole phenomenon like whether they’re seen as pretty or strong or cute or smth else that becomes the main thing not their words#and I say that but tumblr is pretty good overall. I just wish sometimes we could have a more active conversation before any tragedy#so gosh I’m ranting so much but PLEASE talk about this with me. I notice far too much and I can’t say any of it publicly#so occasionally I come out with a rant like this
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seventh-district · 1 month ago
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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