#I’m not motivated anymore
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quitting this blog
the ask blog was a flop and a mistake
and I don’t get enough views on my blog
my depression has been getting worse
and this blog is dead
goodbye everyone
(If I ever make a new one I’m not telling anyone besides trusted ones)
farewell everyone, - Cosmo.
#cosmo’s discussions#I’m leaving this blog#sorry everyone#I’m not motivated anymore#making this blog was a mistake#And also the ask blog was a mistake
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hello everynyan
#ohshc#tamaharu#same old same old#I’m v busy and at this point have zero time to draw for myself so might as well share scrappy old stuff#fanart#also have zero motivation to post to insta anymore but to my 100s of p0rnbot followers here? always💕#meg art
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No one asked but “I’m scared” is such an underrated motivation for a character to do shitty things to others.
Sometimes it’s just that simple, but there’s always some deeper meaning as to why that character is scared— like the Bad Guy heavily traumatized Protagonist and now Protagonist is deathly afraid of getting on Bad Guy’s bad side again. It’s so underrated that a character is scared solely because the situation and personal consequences scare them more than the determent of others.
Maybe I’m not looking at that kinda of media that much, but sometimes I kinda just want a character to do shitty things to others because they’re scared. Like pressing the Big Red Button is gonna launch a nuke at the building they’re currently in with the Bad Guy, but if they chose not to then the whole rest of the city gets leveled by the Bad Guy’s evil death laser of doom— and then they chose not to press the button because they’re just frankly scared of dying. They entered this fight hoping to walk away, and now between the choice to save themselves or save others they indirectly kill everyone they knew because they were just to scared to pull the trigger on themselves.
So yeah maybe make characters be cowards a little more often?
#and I don’t mean the ‘uwu I’m so scared of everything but especially other people’ type of coward usually found in anime esque games#I solely mean cowards#people severely underprepared for the situations they’ve found themselves in#and now are to scared to act in the preservation of others for fear that the consequences for that are to hefty a price#and I also see why being scared is such an underrated motivation#the worst thing a character can do is be annoying because that makes the reader not want to read anymore#and being scared is really fucking annoying sometimes#so I get that if a character starts out a coward then they’ll probably develop past that#they’ll become self sacrificing or greedy with fear as the main drive as for why#but like it would be so tragic if at the end of the story a character underwent all that development#only to still be the same coward the auidence started with#that would be so tragically awesome if done well
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mmmmmMMMMMMM
#sigh#I wanted this break to be nice and relaxing#just allow myself to recharge maybe do some silly personal doodles#but we finally got the quote from the mechanic and it’s#it’s bad but it’s either get this repair or get an all new car we can’t afford#this whole month has been a terrible downward spiral and I’m#trying so hard#I’m not well#things aren’t letting up#I have no motivation to do anything enjoyable#nothing feels enjoyable#I just#I want to sleep forever#I don’t want to deal with this anymore#I still can’t seem to get a job#Q’s job is mentally destroying him because of the things he’s now being exposed to#but he’s been trying to get a new job since mid April#I#no longer feel any hope that things will get better#Christmas?#I feel no Christmas joy#I feel no joy#I picked a shit time to get off my meds but#I don’t know I’m tired of taking pills#there’s nothing wrong with needing them I get that but I just#I didn’t want that anymore#sorry I just needed to yell into the void before I lose my fucking mind#I’m fine things will be fine they’re always fine in the end they have to be
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I think 2025 is the year I’m going to devote more time to my art stuff? I would really like to do more commission work and maybe open a Patreon and a YouTube channel - hopefully build up an actual portfolio as well. Idk if my art is at that level yet but I will try
#my motivation is that I’m getting laid off on the 1st (they’re shutting location) and if I have to do job hunting again I’ll go insane#and I can’t afford college anymore bc of that so I’m going to have a lot of free time 🥲
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Hehe this man is broken and severely emotionally distressed. Silly lovable guy but given self esteem issues because of the crushing weight of perfectionism. Not so funny if you think about it too long. But at least on the upside he cries pretty :))
No but seriously for all those who relate to Mr. Puzzles just want you to know your accomplishments alone do not define your value and worth as a person. Even when you’re a messy work in progress, you are loved and appreciated more than you may recognize. Thank you for being here. Don’t get me wrong it’s good to be idealistic and set goals, but don’t undermine yourself if you don’t get that perfect score….or if you start to fall behind compared to everyone else. Everyone goes through those moments of doubt or perceived failure. We need to fail every once in a while. And that’s okay
…a-anyways funny goofy dramatic TV guy we love him so much so silly so slay he lives in my head rent free yipeee. This animation is dedicated to him because if anyone in the cast deserved a feature length film it was definitely him, and he sure took up the spotlight in Puzzlevison and absolutely owned it. I’m excited for his future endeavors ✨
#someone please how did I make this in two days wh-#wow wow wow what’s going on here how did I do that this is scary super powers being unlocked right now#Mr. Puzzles hyperfixation give me strength and motivation to get shit done I guess??? yay???#like holy shit I’m so productive in my art all the sudden whats this feeling of dopamine and happiness-#WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DEPRESSION WHERE’D IT GO#sir really stepped into my brain and yeeted my depression saying ‘looks like you won’t be needing that anymore’#and now he things he can just puppeteer me around to make countless art pieces in his image and honor??#he’s using me as his pawn to spread his glorious face around the internet HELP jksjksp#no actally don’t it’s very comfortable and freeing here I love letting my silly fixations go rampant <3#I don’t even need to think about what I want to do art stuff just happens naturally#CHEERS TO FICTIONAL MEN YIPEEE#wow he’s so mentally ill just like me fr /j#also now I’m staring to guilt trip myself because I feel bad watching him cry even though I’M THE ONE WHO ANIMATED IT WHYYYY#hplonesome art#mr. puzzles animation#smg4 mr puzzles animation#mr puzzles smg4 animation#sad mr puzzles#mr. puzzles crying animation#smg4 mr puzzles#mr. puzzles smg4
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me: brain full of mattheo and tom and theodore ideas just vibrating and thrashing around, desperate to come out
also me: 3k words into a dark!enzo berkshire fic
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Sneak peak of my Mouthwashing x Xmen AU! Can you guess which Xmen characters fill the other roles? 💖
#orchid draws#my thing crashed big time so if this posts twice sorry#cw bright colors#mouthwashing spoilers#mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing#mouthwashing swansea#mouthwashing anya#anya mouthwashing#kitty pryde#logan howlett#Wolverine#shadowcat#the full piece is already inked! juts not colored#it has 3 of each character in it#not on purpose it just worked out like that.#my motivation is waining so I’m posting this so y’all at least get a little#if I don’t work on it anymore in a week or so I’ll post the full lines without colors
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i just came back from gladiator II and i’m just gonna say that they really underused pedro pascal 😐
#gladiator ii spoilers#the whole story itself felt incredibly underwhelming and they took so many shortcuts in the story telling and character development???#i liked pedro’s character but i never saw his motivation and i felt like ridley scott wanted to make him the anti joaquin phoenix#also he had a weird voice/accent??#anyway…. i’d say it’s another mediocre movie from ridley scott#i’m not sure he has it anymore
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Anyone else feel like season 7 is slowly pushing you away from The Rookie? Or at least The Rookie fandom?
The show is still… fine. But I wouldn’t have joined a fandom for the show they’re showing now. I wouldn’t have looked for and discovered the world of fanfiction. I definitely would NOT have made writing a hobby of mine. It’s just another show. Another show with a disappointing love story.
Sigh.
#maybe it’s because I’m sick right now#maybe not#should I vomit or go to the office. obviously vomit. 🤮😢#they just seem to be ruining it#chenford#the rookie#tim bradford#lucy chen#fanfic#no motivation to write anymore
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ughhhhhhhhh I’m gonna fail my lab practical tomorrow
#college#complaining yeah#how does one. have motivation to do schoolwork#I feel like I had everything so together in high school#straight A student/semi-popular at my theater/got to sit with a few friends at lunch and study hall and in class#and I was drawing! and helping in other ways! and everything!#everything.#too much “everything” can add up after 4 years or so.#4 years of doing my absolute best and getting rewarded for it#things are different. things have changed.#aged out of theater. don’t see anyone from school anymore.#and I know it’s my fault#I know I need to reach out more#I have reached out#something’s happening#I feel like I’m ruining my own life#I’m ruining everything.#all because I can’t bring myself to care anymore.#I just can’t.#sorry I.#didn’t mean for this to turn into a vent post.#idk if anyone’s even going to read this.#thanks I guess. um. /gen haha#…#yeah… yeah.
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Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.
Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.
I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”
#me: there’s time..#also me: THERES NO TIME#now see the thing they don’t tell you about taking lexapro is that you’ll have the motivation and energy to reinvest in hobbies when you’ve#been in depression hell for so long#also thank god it makes the excessive worry thoughts thiiiiiis loud 👌#like nooo babe there’s time#there’s always time if I’m okay with the crushing feeling of splitting my attention TOO much that I don’t connect with either fandom#that’s spooky#shaking and screaming like ‘don’t look at the notes it doesn’t matter’#and it truly doesn’t#sigh#I just keep coming back to that Brennan/hank green clip#where Brennan is talking about feeling like you just /dont/ belong even tho u did commit to trying you’ll always have that scared little#kid at the back of your mind with no friends reconfirming that no one likes you#I don’t know..#in theory people like me#but /i/ can never be normal about it#and I keep like.. I dunno#it’s tough spending your whole life never being the one people seek out#never the one that people WANT to hear talk#constantly feeling like too much and wondering if I should pull back#for people to get weirded out when I pull back#it’s exhausting#and it’s lonely#and even after 24 years I’m still the same insecure kid talking in the group chat while everyone else is silent#like am I too much am I too desperate#even like talking to my mom- who’s opinion of me truly doesn’t matter anymore just constantly interrupt me or talk over me#or ignore me so I’m repeating myself over and over just to give up#personal#fuck
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if we’re going to talk about why this TCW/TBB/clone fandom is dying
we have to be honest that one of the biggest most glaring reasons is that
so many writers became so obsessed with promoting their own work that they basically completely forgot about the whole ..engaging with other peoples work aspect of fandom.
I get wanting to focus on your own stuff. I get wanting people to read your work. But ultimately the way things have gone feels like people are too invested in themselves to participate in the fandom as a whole community/beyond a small group.
It doesn’t feel like we’re sharing our work in the same way for the same reasons anymore. maybe that’s just the short form video culture we live in or the contentification of everything in a fandom but we don’t engage with each other outside of maybe a few small circles anymore.
and I really don’t know if there’s any way we can fix that anymore. all I can attempt to do is call out the behavior and my role in it and hope we can move forward.
#this is not excluding myself either#I am just as guilty of this as everyone else#maybe it’s just developed as a self-satisfaction self-motivation technique#because fewer and fewer people were engaging#but at this point if we don’t call it out and aren’t honest with ourselves about our roles in this#it will never change and things will never get better#everyone doesn’t have to be friends with everyone or even like everyone’s work#but we just have to do a better job of reading outside ourselves and our circles#fandom discourse#nothing happened it’s just like#I’m tired of feeling like there’s no reason to create or share anymore
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Great. Just dandy./very neg
#welp there’s goes the last thing keeping me from lashing out randomly (I just accidentally stepped on my stylus and broke the charging port#so it won’t charge anymore and it was already dying before I stepped on it and drawing was the thing I was finally starting to feel#motivated to do but noo I just can’t keep things nice can I.) (sorry for the vent/rant that just seriously threw my whole night off and now#I’m pissed and upset at the same time.)#sleepy randomly rambles
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damn. this is genuinely the only space on the internet where I feel completely at peace.
#this sounds like such a FIRST WORLD PROBLEM but i've genuinely been having so many issues being online post-green day#my world kind of exploded and idk how to handle it#like my face is EVERYWHERE it's actually extremely overwhelming but i know this 5 minutes of fame is stupid and vain and won't last forever#plus i feel like i took too long of a break on my fandom blog and now idk what to do with myself there#i was never really good at fandom and it lowkey feels like tumblr fandom has migrated to discord#which is :/ because i don't have the spoons for that it's so fast paced and triggers my anxiety way too much#and i don’t have the brain power or motivation for any of my wips so it’s just. UGHHHHHHH#i’m barely free anymore since work has a chokehold on my life and when i am free i get too anxious to be online so i’ve just been a wreck :(#so IDK i guess this is all to say: thank you to the folks who stuck around on this account for my louis <3#i don't expect to be around much this month what with all the Spooky Season festivities but this acct is the best place to find me for now#*【 ❛I'm not the spirit of any age. ❜ 】 ➤ OOC
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Society if the qsmp eggs stayed as a temporary Easter-themed event instead of a staple of the server like they were very obviously originally intended to be and if the server didn’t have constant mandatory events every other month that moved everyone all over the place, completely upending their lore and projects on the server
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#fae.txt#qsmp#guys I’m afraid it’s joever#doomposting#<- idk do i tag that? is that how i tag that? idk#but like I think had these things not happened the most prominent members on the server probably wouldn’t have all fucking left#and now this is probably the final nail in the coffin#because the server has essentially just become the eggs at this point#and the lack of eggs plus the fact that everyone was forced to start all over again has caused less and less streamers to feel motivated to#stream anymore#and the last of the eggs leaving is probably what’s gonna kill it#it was nice knowing yall I guess 🫡
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