#I’m not doing that bc I’m gonna gonna go to sleep too
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I’m high and really weirdly wanna do a Danny phantom rewatch
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no those aren’t weird sex noises coming from ur neighbour’s apartment; it’s ur local insomniac slap & folding bread dough in the wee hours of the morning
#also I was doing that for wayy too long bc I think I autolysed a bit too long so the gluten structure just isn’t gonna be the best no matter#how angry I am at the dough but also idk why I’m bothering bc I’m also 80% sure the sourdough starter is not ready for bread yet#so like I’m going to have the densest loaf tmrw morning/this evening#this is a trial run abt if I remember how to make bread and if I'll actually have something edible it's a bonus#also it truly is meditative so I lost track of time bc ugh the texture of dough is just very nice#good thing abt naming it (the starter) Elvis that I now have my ’’bread making music’’ set and it’s honestly vibes#also yeah in a phase where I sleep abt every other night (unless I like rly rly try but even then it’s like max 4h and I dont get it and I#hate the process of desperately trying to get sleep more than like wasting time making inedible bread)#a human disaster but at least I will have bread#a very dense bread probably but bread nonetheless#march 2024#2024
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I didn’t go to sculpture again……
#please please please I have anxiety I have a mental illness#I can’t make myself go there it’s hell idk why I’m just so nervous every time I make myself feel sick#and then I get another excuse not to go becuase I literally feel like I’m gonna throw up#I’m not going to pass if I don’t start going there…….#and I cannot handle repeating a semester#I live in fear#and it doesn’t help that I have intermedia class later today which is my second greatest enemy and just as dreadful#banging head on the table#I need to be wrapped in a blanket and go to sleep forever#god even if I go there I’m never going to be able to come up to my prof and talk to him about my project I get physically I’ll at the#slightest suggestion from my friends that I should finally do it#everyone’s done it already#I will literally cry if anyone talks to me#the profs just intimidate me so badly I feel like they hate me#and everyone says they’re super nice but I can’t make myself believe ittttt they will eat me alive#but if I never go I won’t pass the class and repeating the semester will cost money#pleas I have the stupid project idea ready but I just can’t do it I’ve thought about just emailing them and doing it all through email but#I couldn’t do that either I’m just in panic mode instantly#so yeah I’m just venting not asking ppl for solutions 😶✌️ I just don’t want to text my friend again bc I’ve been putting way too much on#them#they do practically everything for me anyway bc I can’t do shit by myself#uh ok I just need to put this SOMEWHERE#I’m gonna curl up and draw metal or whatever#ugh I know I’m making things worse by not coming#but I can’t make myself I just cant I’m gonna have an anxiety attack ✌️#no one look at me#I being sensitive and vulnerable here
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@katkastrofa: *forgets a few OCs when making a list because it’s been a long day, she’s tired and brain farts happen to everyone occasionally*
#I’m sorry. I can excuse liu and afarin bc one only exists in flashbacks and the other has only been drawn twice#but LIEN-HUA?#our precious baby child??#the catalyst behind literally the entire story being the way it is?#fucking criminal#jail. I’m a prison abolitionist but–#lucky for you the judge can very easily be bribed 😁#you may atone for your sins at the altar of delicious smut#I realise this is nonsense for 99.999% of people. however#this is my blog and I can do what I want#I have a personal blog for a reason but if I wanna use this one I’m gonna use this one#sue me#but for the record lien-hua is p’li’s little sister and whether she lives or dies sends the story in two completely opposite directions#and by story I mean entire avatar world since her survival leads up to red lotus korra#okay enough rambling. it’s 7 a.m I should probably try to sleep a little#I sobbed for half the night because I suddenly felt really lonely and unwanted. so now I’m shitposting to cope#:’)#and yes I know that image quality is horrendous but there’s nothing I can do about it#that’s how procreate exported it. what do you want me to do#sure I could just make the whole thing a text post but the picture makes it funnier#okay that’s it I’m done. going to bed now byeeeeee#(who am I kidding I’m not going to bed I’m too emotionally unstable for that)
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also i’ve been up for 24h now so absolutely fucked my sleeping schedule damnit
#chat should i go to the gym drunk#I’ve done it before#it’s 4am there aren’t ppl there#and i’m not stumbling drunk; just mentally mostly#that might get me like tired & go to sleep at abt 6-7am#bc rn I don’t see even that happening idk what I’m gonna do#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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add “friday night parties” to the list of things I am NOT gonna miss about living in a dorm… I mean noisy neighbors were already on there but this specifically bothers me on so many levels
#see normally I’d just put on my noise cancelling headphones and it’d be whatever but#I am so determined not to fuck up my piercing#and I really don’t wanna tell them to shut up bc it sounds like they’re having fun and I’m in an especially too nice for my own good mood#and! I do genuinely earnestly want them to have fun. I am NOT a hater!! just bc I never got to do any sort of partying and never really#wanted to anyway doesn’t mean I’m gonna project that onto anyone else#but on the other hand friday nights specifically are sacred to me#as the first night of the weekend where I get to sleep in and the first night I don’t have to worry about assignments due the next morning#and also as a kind of religious thing#I don’t really observe shabbat anymore but I never was able to get used to the friday night = party time association#and I don’t particularly want to!! friday nights are for chillin and I like it that way.#anyway all this to say I am trying to enjoy my chill evening and there is NOISE and I’m not gonna do anything about it (at least#until Official Quiet Hours start) but I absolutely will complain#I convinced my mom to get a library card and give me the number so I can read books on libby#(would have gotten one myself but idk if I qualify for one at the library near my school and I’ll be gone in a few months anyway)#and now I am TRYING to read lockwood & co book 1#(yes it is technically a middle grade series. yes I am twenty two years old. if the show is anything to go by it’s a more accurate#portrayal of teenagers than any media I consumed as an actual teen. let me live)#but alas. The Noise#and yeah I know noisy neighbors are not exclusively a dorm thing but I can’t imagine a normal apartment will be nearly this bad#also to be clear this is not a weekly occurrence#I don’t actually think these particular neighbors have given me any issues before#which is part of why I’m feeling so patient with them… probably too patient tbh#I should probably delete this later#probably shouldn’t post it at all but oh well. what’s the point of life if you can’t share every minor annoyance with#a bunch of strangers on the internet?#screams into the void
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for years my friends have tried to get me back into minecraft and idk how to explain to them that after tosoth the game will never be the same . it’s been A DECADE and this fic still rules over my brain
#and don’t even TALK about snow angels around me i’ll cry blood and vomit tears#that fic gave me SO many trust issues i hve TO THIS DAY#and i KNOW ive ranted about this before but IT GENUINELY TRAUMATISED ME#but i was at one of the lowest points of my life and decided fuck it. i’m gonna read a long fic. i’m usually a max 25k person but i was like#nah let’s get invested in this one. good ol erisol human au. what could go wrong#oh dear reader it turns out that there was something that could go wrong#because at tht time i was an avid ff net user and there are no warnings there#especially not for major character death.#so i’m so invested in this fic#got a few chapters left. and then i start a chapter i swear ive read before in a one shot#and i’m over the MOON bc i know how this ends. they get engaged! so i’m SO fkn happy#and then. all alone in the snow of their front yard. eridans heart gives out. and he’s gone.#as a very traumatised teen who was dependant on happy endings to make me feel like life was worth living#i have never felt heartbreak and betrayal like that. only other thing that ever made me feel that much was my really messy breakup w da loml#i didnt sleep for a week. i was constantly sobbing and breaking down at school#reading about sollux going through their minecraft world and i just#yeah.#haven’t been able to make pancakes since too. used to be the thing i was best at#since then pancakes minecraft and snow angels are forever tainted#absolutely INCREDIBLE fic but i do Not do MCD or sad endings#and i was like being horrifically abused going thru hormonal conversion therapy to ‘fix’ my nonexistent sex drive#whilst dealing with r/pe accusations simultaneously . as a fkn 16 year old baby trans gay ace#so i was going thru it and when i tell you my ENTIRE mental state was depending on the dopamine i got from fan fictions w endings that#gave me hope my story wasn’t gonna end there. for them to struggle for so long to find true happiness within eachother#to them being torn apart by the cruel hand of death#bro i was inconsolable for so long . i still am and im almost 26 LMFAO#know it seems so silly to be so worked up over this but i can’t articulate how much my undiagnosed autistic bpd cptsd ridden self depended#on these fics to emotionally regulate#OBV THIS IS NOTHING AGAINST THE AUTHOR OR THE FIC I WAS JUST YOUNG AND TRAUMATISED AND COPING UNHEALTHILY#but i will never be able to play minecraft happily ever again
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26.01.24, friday
duolingo french streak day 21
4h of writing an essay abt my thesis topic aka I’m elbow deep in articles about brains even tho I study computer science (I love it tho: finally get read abt neuroscience and actually have it not be ”just for fun” (my 16-year-old self who was 100% set on becoming a neurosurgeon/scientist is thrilled currently))
grocery store
#i’m afraid I’m gonna lean too much into the neuroscience of things instead of the cybersecurity & computer aspect#tho I’m sure someone’s gonna go ’’hey u know u’re studying computer science right?’’ if I do so might be worrying for nothing#and like obv I’m gonna have to explain how BCI functions if I’m gonna talk abt its cybersecurity issues#and for that I’ll have to touch on neurons & brain waves & signals etc.#feeling very good abt this topic tho#like I’m having difficulty going to sleep now bc would want to keep reading abt it#(or bc I’ve been drinking coffee too late in the evening)#I just started doing things way too late today hence not much time spent on this today#but hoping tmrw’ll be more productive#bc today was supposed to be like hella productive but alas#today’s productive(ish) things#january 2024#2024
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how am i supposed to start this week off strong with a midday shift today and then inventory on fnaf time tomorrow (i won’t)
#not quite fnaf time again but. 12:45am-6:30am. come on JFKDHFJF#I WASNT GONNA DO IT IM JUST TOO FUCKING NICE#i should have lied about my last day i should have LIED#once again i don’t understand why we don’t just do this on the day that we’re closed!!!#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc#i’m probably just going to treat it like an all nighter and take a few hour nap after work bc what is the point of trying to sleep more!
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fucking crazy i have to be on four (4) medications to attempt to function like a normal human being and even that is not working
#vent#i just started wellbutrin and im really hoping that will help but idk man#i think i might have cfs but it costs money to try and get diagnosed with that#but it also costs money to go see a neurologist which is the other thing my dr told me i should do#well they also said i need a colonoscopy like a year ago and i never did that but idk#it all costs money. our insurance sucks shit.#and i’m moving next month and can already barely afford that but my parents are really forcing my hand#gonna be working two jobs again next semester too which i have no idea how i’ll cope with bc my class load is pretty heavy#and i’m just so fucking spaced out and wiped and anxious All The Time. like. nonstop. sleep never helps#idk man i also just struggle to eat anything at all that probably does not help. it’s 6:30pm and i have not had a full meal
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gym while drunk is a new thing but I don’t hate it. The workout was suprisingly smooth like okayyy work (leg day & managed to keep last time’s reps&weights aka what were my prs since the relapse) (also dw I wasn’t being like a stumbling nuisance to other ppl; no one else was there and I wasn’t visibly drunk. I’m not abt to get myself banned or anything)
#now the question like when tf am I gonna go to sleep#also like that probs means I could go harder the next time but this wasn’t the time to be pushing it#deadlifts & squats fuck with ur back way quicker than u realize so no egolifting#I up the weights/reps only on the days I feel confident abt it#ugh like it’s that weird stage like I’m obv not even tipsy anymore#but like idk what to do with myself rn#kinda wanna just keep drinking but that’d be a bad idea bc obv it would#it’s 7:30am and I haven’t gone to sleep and I did a workout on alcohol calories like ugh girl#this too should stay as a draft but alas send post
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working on something that will probably never see the light of day.. BUT IT LOOKS SO NICE i’m so sad.
#HSR is such a comfort for me i’m going to be honest#especially with huohuo being added?#like idk it’s just. giving me nostalgia to when i first started really getting into genshin#because the first character i ever wanted was hu tao#and they’re both.. spooky yk#augh.. i am so sad tonight for like no reason#i think i should just go to bed tbh that’s probably the issue#if anyone’s curious it’s a HSR network. because. i can’t help myself. but i am trying to help myself bc i already have st pavlov foundation#and the steambird (which isn’t a network but still) and i really… do not….. need to make another network…….. but i really want to#it’s something almost innate for me. every time i’d ever play a game with like#groups or guilds or clubs or whatever#any sort of thing like that#i would aaaaaalways make one. and i would have so much fun w it too.#it’s bled over into my tumblr life helppp#it was always a little bit unhealthy though.#like i would get SO invested into it that it would like. cause me stress.#which like.. isn’t good.#but i haven’t seen any purely HSR networks except for like 2 inactive ones and…#someone stop me actually. it’s the middle of the night. the sun is gonna come up soon. i need to sleep. not make choices.#i’m just gonna embarrass myself bye#especially if i keep rambling in the fucking TAGS ok i’m shutting up now#sorry followers/moots#byebye#me talking to myself like “see .. u literally have this in ur drafts rn.. u could just delete it” but then i go “but i already spent#x amount of time rambling and ppl could just like.. skip over this if they want to so why does it matter”#haha x amount of time. like x from the game reverse 1999#stop i’m so tired goodbye I’M SO SORRY
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counting the fucking days
#note to self never tell my mom anything ever#i have an ap art course next year and the summer homework is that we have to keep a sketchbook#and so my mom took that to mean that i have to give up digital art for the whole fucking summer#and every piece of art that i do on the ipad instead of the sketchbook she gets on me for#bitch i guarantee you that it’s not as big and important as you think it is#in fact i know that it’s not that important!! bc my friend took the same class and said that you literally spend the first day on it#and then never talk about it again#i’m still gonna do it bc it’s good practice but still.#she’s making too big of a deal out of it#i also got two hours of sleep last night#and when i told her she just blamed it on the fact that i took a nap yesterday and that’s why i couldn’t sleep#like?? ok i get that???#but that’s also not something i can control???#like if i’m exhausted then i’m exhausted and i’m going to sleep#i just want some fucking sympathy not a giant lecture where you make it into who’s wrong who’s right#just so you can feel better about yourself#god i just wanna be out of here#idc how i get out i just want out of this hell#k.txt#vent tw
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I still have 5 hours left in my shift 😭😭😭
#I just….#really wanna go home today#not having a good day. I started my period this morning and then I got to work and found out only me and one other opener were there but our#opening manager wasn’t here yet so she was late and we spent the next 20 minutes rushing to get everything set up before we opened#and then we immediately started getting customers and it’s just been busy and I’m tired and just don’t feel good bc of my period#and then so far I’ve had 2 of my least favorite customers come through the drive thru where I’m working#one is this dude who’s just fucking annoying another is the guy that asked for my number a few months ago who I haven’t seen since I turned#him down so I took his order and then made someone else deal with him at the window#and then it got busy with everyone ordering drinks like hot coffees which meant I had to walk from our drive thru out to the lobby bc my#coffees were out bc everyone wants coffee today but when I would do that I would still have to be taking orders#and then someone cleared a few specialty coffees off the barista screen without making them while the person was sitting in the drive thru#so I had to make those while doing other stuff too and people were asking me questions#and I was just getting very overstimulated and annoyed plus I’m hungry#and I just want to leave and go home and sleep but it’s my best friend’s birthday so she’s probably gonna want to do something later but I#just don’t feel up to it and I know she’s probably ready to hang out because she’s been off for 10 days with Covid so she’s well rested now#for her birthday but 😭😭😭 I just want to crash into my bed so hard and not wake up until noon tomorrow#also the coworker I work with every day and don’t like is here today unfortunately#and also all of the speakers we use to play music in the back are dead right now and I just want to play music#first world problems but I have so little patience today
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