#i have never felt heartbreak and betrayal like that. only other thing that ever made me feel that much was my really messy breakup w da loml

[theythemmer]

for years my friends have tried to get me back into minecraft and idk how to explain to them that after tosoth the game will never be the same . it’s been A DECADE and this fic still rules over my brain

[cera-writes]

Can you write a gambit fic please. Like I need it to be the most heartbreaking angst you can think of that leads to the most tender of sex scenes please? Like kiss hugs tears tender sex???? Please 😊😗 thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

"Come back to me."

pairing: Reader x Remy LeBeau "Gambit" tags: nsfw, angst, tender sex, kissing, sweet aftercare Prompt: Reader feels dejected and heartbroken after Gambit gets sent on mission that could very well end up killing him. Reader begs him not to go, but Remy knows he has to. Reader runs off to get some space but Remy ends up going after them, leading up to some serious confessions and sweet make up sex.

Thank you @littlekidsteve for requesting this! This one's for you!

"Wait! Mon ami, please!" Remy was reaching for you but you had ran passed him, dashing out into the pouring wet rain.

"How could you think this wouldn't hurt me?" You cried, letting the rain mix with the tears streaming down your face. You took one last look at the man that you loved endlessly, unrelentlessly even, before wiping furiously at the tears pouring down your cheeks. This had hurt you. It made your chest ache with sorrow and anger. You were pissed with him.

You felt as if your world had come crashing down. The rain couldn't have been more morose, mixing with your own tears, drowning you in sadness. A flash of lightning sparked in the distance, causing a deep roar of thunder, colliding with the heavy footsteps you left trailing far behind you.

You didn't care where your feet took you, only that you needed space and you needed to get far, far away. Xavier's Institute was becoming farther and farther from view the more you ran. You felt like your throat was constricting. It was as if you couldn't breathe. The very air in your lungs felt heavier with each breath and sob that escaped your lips as you left Remy standing alone in the courtyard of the mansion.

Of course you knew he'd have to be put in situations like this, but you were just a human with no special powers. He wasn't. But dammit if you didn't love him any less. That's what made this so unbelievably more painful. You never cared about the whispers or stares on the streets from ignorant people who disapproved of humans getting involved with mutants. Remy was your person. But this felt like an act of betrayal on his part.

You could make out the scenery before you just a bit through hazy eyes. The lake lay just before you in the clearing, rain droplets pattering down violently on the water's surface. Any other day, you and Remy would've come out here to get some alone time with each other but today wasn't just any other day.

You dropped to your knees on one of the huge rocks overlooking the lake. You proceeded to let out every emotion you'd bottled up into your hands and knees as you swayed back and forth, sheets of water encasing your clothes and soaking you to the bone. You were a mess of a human being right now, feeling as if the world was crashing down on you and in a way it was.

You let out an ear piercing scream over the lake, echoing through the onslaught of pouring precipitation. In the midst of your breakdown, you almost didn't hear the sound of footsteps violently rushing towards you against the wet ground in your direction.

You didn't have time to react before a pair of warm arms had engulfed you, pulling you into that familiar scent you'd come to know and love. You knew it as the scent of comfort that could only be Remy's.

"Dammit chere! Don't run off like that ever again!" Remy pleaded half angily, pressing so tightly against you that you could hear the erratic beating of his heart.

"I ran like hell to get to you," he uttered tearfully. "I-I can't leave things like this with you, mi amor."

You pushed him away, scornfully gazing into his eyes. "But you are! You're leaving first thing in the morning for some stupid mission that I may never see you return from again!"

He looked away, bitterly cursing himself for making you feel like this.

"You know Gambit ain't got no choice, chere. Have a little more faith in me, s'il te plaît..." he begged, desperately trying to get you to see reason.

"Remy, you don't know what it's like! I can't go with you on these fucking missions! I can't protect you. I'm powerless! I'm useless and I can't do a damn thing about it!"

Your eyes were red and swollen from crying so much. This wasn't just any mission. This wasn't some 'stop a burglar from stealing a purse' or 'rescuing some lady's cat from a tree' kind of mission they were going on.

No.

Gambit and the rest of the X-men were being sent to take down an army of sentinels from barging into the city and killing every mutant in sight. This had been planned for weeks ever since Cyclops caught wind of it happening. You knew what those giant robots were capable of and it terrified you.

"But what if you don't come back? what if the only way I have of finding out that you died would be on the news, Remy?! I just can't live with that! I can't!" you shook, sobbing as your face fell downcast, burying your hands in your face again. You hated crying in front of him, although this was probably the first time he'd ever witnessed you having a panic attack like this.

"Gambit won't go down without a fight, darlin'. They could cut me, bruise me, or even skin me alive but they'll never take you from me. You'll always have a spot right here mon ami." He gently took your hand in his and placed it over his own pounding heart.

"You are what keeps this ol' heart o' mine beatin'. I promise for as long as I breathe chere, I'll live for you, breathe for you. You can bet on that," he caressed your cheek with his other hand, moving some of your hair that had matted to your face. His words were honest, truthful. There was not a single hint of a doubt to his sincerity in those words.

You placed a hand over his, more tears blending in with the rain that kept steadily falling against your skin.

"You are beautiful, mon ange..." his lips found yours, kissing you with such carefulness and tenderness that you didn't know just how badly you craved with such ferocity in that moment.

You threw your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. The rain had caused the rock to be slippery, sending Remy down on top of you but it never broke the kiss between you both.

You whimpered into the kiss, not wanting to him part from you because if he did it felt as if you'd lose him forever and right now you just couldn't handle that revelation. No, not yet.

His hands caressed the damp skin under your wet white tee shirt. He pressed his fingertips hard against your flesh, surely leaving indentations but you didn't mind. He needed to feel you and make you feel alright and safe in that moment with him.

His lips trailed to your jaw, then the soft skin of your neck, before trailing sweet kisses against your heated skin. His stubble tickled your skin pleasantly as you bit gently down on your bottom lip, letting your eyes close and revelling in this moment with him. Oh gods, how were you going to send him off tomorrow?

Your arms were still bound tightly around his neck, hands kneading into his long wet hair and tugging gently, eliciting a small moan of pleasure from Remy. You knew he loved the feeling of your hands on him.

He stopped kissing you only for a moment to look you directly into your eyes. He needed you to hear these words.

"Let me have you right here, chere. I don't care that it's rainin' cats and dogs on us. I want to feel you and I know you want the same."

He didn't have to say another word before you pulled him into you again, bringing your lips to his in affirmation. You were both panting by the time you pulled away. He sat you both up for a moment, allowing himself to pull that sorry excuse of a shirt over your head in such neediness. You nipples had already been peeking through your soaked shirt, showing through the thin white cotton.

This did something to him in a feral way, but he knew he needed to hold back for your sake or he'd never be able to leave.

He hadn't been wearing a shirt when he'd found you. You were both clad in only your shorts now and Remy had the urge to pull yours off immediately.

He started leaving hot kisses up your thighs as lips dragged up your wet skin, taking his time with you. You moaned, needing him like never before.

"Mind if I take these off?" Remy looked up with a half lidded gaze.

You shook your head, urging him on. You lay bare beneath him, letting him massage your breasts, softly and tenderly as he kissed you like his life depended on it. You hadn't even noticed that he'd discarded the rest of his clothes while he was letting your tongues caress each other, just allowing the two of you to feel each other.

The rain was coming down much heavier now. Somehow, that only made the two of you cling closer to another.

"May I?" he asked permission huskily in your ear.

"Please," you shuddered.

He entered you slowly, easily. You let a soft moan escape your mouth before he muffled it with another precious kiss.

"Even hell couldn't keep me from coming back to you, mon ami. You're my everythin'." He whispered sweetly between thrusts. This wasn't hardcore sex where he'd usually have you screaming his name for the entire school to hear. He wanted this to last. He needed it to last for both your sakes.

"I need you to know somethin' chere."

He moaned, feeling your walls clenching around him as you enclosed your legs around his waist. You found yourself drowning in him now. Instead of drowning in your sorrows, you were drowning in his love for you. That real, sincere love that only movies were made of. You'd be damned if anything ever took this man away from you.

"I love you," you both said in unison. He laughed in disbelief before grinning into another sweet graze of your lips against his.

You could swear you saw his eyes brimming with tears as he made love to you. His thrusts picked up pace just a bit as your mouths were still lovingly attached. He was getting close and he could tell you were too just with how your body was reacting to his.

His eyebrows furrowed, panting as he felt intense pleasure closing in on him. You always felt amazing but for some reason you felt especially good around him right now. It was probably the onslaught of emotions that came pouring out of both of you moments before, but it made the situation ever so much sweeter.

"Come back to me Remy," you pleaded, eyes locked on his as he opened his eyes to lock with yours. You searched his eyes and he gave you nothing but the utmost sincerity back in them. Those beautiful unusual eyes of his were all it took to have you coming undone.

He was getting close by the way his hand gripped your waist, thrusting one last time as own sexual relief flooded through him.

Your legs squeezed even tighter around him, feeling him release intensely inside of you with a low groan.

The rain had started to let up until finally ceasing altogether as the two of you sat side by side by the lake.

"Care for a swim cherie?"

Remy held out a hand, leading you into the lake, the full moon just rising above the horizon encasing the hot evening in glittering stars. Not bothering to get dressed, you figured a skinny dip couldn't hurt seeing as the both of you wanted as much time together as possible.

"No amount of stars in the sky could measure up to your beauty," he held you from behind as moonlight cast a glow over the both of you.

You couldn't help but smile back at him before wrapping your arms over his as you kissed him passionately.

"I meant what I said. I love you Remy LeBeau."

"And I you, mon ami. I promise I'll come back to you. That's a promise and Gambit always makes good on his promises."

[crucifiedfaerie]

Growing Pains | Pt. 1 ༉₊˚✧

Kylo Ren/Ben Solo x Fem!Reader

➴ Summary: He loved you, he left you, and now he will stop at nothing to get you back.

➴ Word Count: 1.3k

➴ Warnings: smut in future chapters so 18+ MDNI, fem!reader, stalking, kidnapping, lots and lots of angst, a little blood, slight death mention, kylo is kinda soft for a min but he's still kylo ren so mean!kylo, flashback dream, established relationship with ben, crylo ren, reader is wallowing and low key wants to die

➴ Taglist: ( @enviedear @capitanostella @teapartydreams )

A/N: lowkey (high key) cried while writing this. did not intend for this fic to be so sad right off the bat but here we are. so apologies for that. nonetheless, i hope you enjoy !! <3

Your head was spinning as you clutched your saber, the yellow glow reflecting off your teary, panicked eyes. You don't know how long you had been running, it felt like ages. The salt from your tears stung your face where twigs and branches had slashed you. Something had been hunting you. A dark, looming creature in a mask that you knew was never going to stop until it was dead or had you in its grasp.

You stopped in a clearing, frantically whipping your head around, looking in every direction. The moss felt soft underneath your bare feet that were sore from running, and it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Not even the wind or the birds made a sound and the hairs on the back of your neck stood straight up.

Before you could even process the sound of the branch snapping behind you, everything went black. The last thing you remember feeling was being caught by two strong hands before being enveloped in the dark void of sleep.

It was the same dream as every night, and despite how heartbreaking it was to wake up from, you found great comfort in it. After six years, you had accepted at some point that sleep was going to be the only place you'd ever see him again.

"Do you ever wish you were a bird?" Ben turned his head to look at you, that same smile on his face he always seemed to have when he was in your presence.

You laughed at him, "I can't say it's something I've ever thought about. Do you?"

The two of you had been laying in a flower meadow, watching the clouds and birds go by as the sky faded to an orangey-pink. He let go of your hand to roll closer to you, and he brushed your wind blown hair out of your face.

You picked pieces of grass from his dark hair as he spoke. "Of course I do. If we were birds, we could go anywhere together, we could fly far away from here and we would have no responsibilities." He smiled down at you.

Before you could respond to him, everything faded away. Ben, the pink sky behind him, and the warm meadow all slipped through your fingers like sand. Despite it's own despair, your brain threw itself into a different memory. A much darker, more painful memory.

"Get away from me!" Ben screamed at you, pointing his saber at you. The rain beat down on the both of you, soaking your clothes and chilling you down to the bone.

You looked at him, the betrayal clear in your eyes. "This isn't you, Ben... I don't understand, please help me understand. Why are you doing this?" Your voice broke as you pleaded with him, your warm tears mixing with the cold rain.

He ignored your pleas and looked down at you with an expression void of emotion. "Maybe you never knew me to begin with."

In the blink of an eye he was gone, leaving you alone and cold in the rain. Your broken sobs were drowned out by the heavy rain as you realized nothing would ever be the same again.

When you awoke, the painful throbbing in your head came crashing down on you immediately. Your body ached as you sat up from the concrete floor of the cell you had been put in, and you lifted your hand to the side of your head. When you looked at your fingers they were covered in flaky, dried blood.

When you fully came to your senses, you saw him, sitting across from you on the other side of the room. Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order and most feared man in the galaxy was mere feet from you, simply staring at you. You weakly scrambled backwards to put distance between you, your head hitting the wall behind you, causing you to wince.

He stood, holding a damp cloth in his gloved hand. "Don't do that. You're hurt enough as it is." Kylo said blankly through his modulator, before crouching down in front of you, attempting to be at eye level despite his dark helmet separating the two of you.

He reached his hand out towards your face. You frantically shook your head and inched away from him, causing him to sigh and use the force to freeze you in place. "Stop moving, I'm trying to help you." He sounded annoyed, but he began to gently wipe the blood from your face with the cloth.

You winced at the contact, which he noticed. "I'm sorry, I'm almost done." The modulator in his helmet stripped his voice of any emotion, but you could've sworn there was a hint of sympathy in his tone.

Once he finished, he released you and leaned back slightly as if to admire his work, before nodding at you. "You must be terrified. My intention was not to hurt you, I thought it would be easier to catch you... I suppose I was wrong." His modulated voice crackled.

You saw your reflection in his visor, your expression terrified and eyes sunken. You began to cry. "Why am I here?! I j-just want to go home, I want t-to go back to Ahch-To, please!" You begged him through broken sobs.

Kylo tilted his head slightly. "Now why would you want to go back there? It isn't like you have anyone to go back to but the terrible memories." His voice was now cold, calculated.

Your brow furrowed. "How would you know that?! You know nothing about me!" You shouted at him, tears streaming down your face.

He laughed through the modulator, as if there were some inside joke you had no part in. "On the contrary. I know plenty about you."

Your eyes narrowed as you stared at him, angry and confused. "Who are you?"

He sighed. "In due time, you will understand. In the meantime, eat." He pushed the tray of food that had been sitting next to you when you woke up closer to you, before standing up. "I'll be back later. If that food isn't gone when I return, you won't like the consequences." He turned around swiftly and made his way to the door.

"Why didn't you just kill me in that forest?" You said weakly.

Your question made him freeze. He tensed in the doorway, and didn't turn to look at you before speaking. "In due time, you will understand." He repeated, only he sounded... pained this time. He quickly left, shutting the door and locking it behind him.

You picked at your food, feeling the sorrow and rage boiling inside you. You screamed, throwing the tray at the door before curling up into a ball and sobbing against the cold, concrete floor of the cell.

You wanted nothing more in that moment than to feel the warm, comforting embrace of Ben, but you knew it would never come. There was a song he would always sing to you, to calm you down. As you laid there crying, you began to hum the tune to yourself.

Unbeknownst to you, Kylo stood outside the door to your cell, listening to your outburst. He sighed, leaning against the wall, deep in thought. He was quickly pulled from his thoughts though, by your humming.

He froze. Despite your broken sobs, he recognized it immediately. He had almost forgotten about that song, it reminded him of a version of himself that he had spent six years trying to kill. Kylo didn't realize he was crying until he felt a tear slip out of the bottom of his helmet. He quickly wiped it away with a gloved hand and inhaled sharply, before walking down the dimly lit hallway, away from your cell.

[luna-writes-stuff]

As The World Falls Down, Nikolai Lantsov

Song link

Fanfic, fem! reader

Hurt/comfort, angst with fluff ending

Word count: 2650

Tw: IS IT STURMHUND OR STURMHOND BECAUSE IT SOUNDS GERMAN SO I’VE ALWAYS SAID/WRITTEN STURMHUND BUT NOW THE TUMBLR TAGS ARE TELLING ME IT’S STURMHOND (yes I’ve read the books). Unintended infidelity, marriage, slight heartbreaking, Luna is an Alina-defender 4 life. Let me know if I missed any????

Summary: Nikolai’s proposal to Alina was strictly political. It made for a perfect alignment, even if love was lacking. Both parties agreed to this. However, Alina doesn’t know Nikolai is technically already married, though not on his birth name. He didn’t think much of the proposal, but you did. And after days of avoiding him, he finally talks with you, and you have a much-needed heart to heart.

Requested by @naushtheaspiringauthor

Buy me a coffee/force me to write more

“There's such a sad love Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel Open and closed Within your eyes.”

Sturmhund’s wife. Those were the words echoing around in your head. Sturmhund’s wife. Not Nikolai’s; Sturmhund’s. And the reality of it came crushing down after those awful words left his mouth.

You hadn’t officially married Nikolai. No - your contract stated his pseudonym. This was to ensure no hunters would come after you, trying to sell you for ransom or power. It was a very strategic move. Legally, you were bound to Sturmhund, but it was never something you and Nikolai had any difficulty with. He was Sturmhund after all, and between the two of you, that never stood in the way. It was weird to consider, but after only a couple weeks, you realised that the contract was the only thing that stated otherwise. Truth for you still was that you were married to Nikolai, and that had never been a lie.

Well, that came to stab you in the back after only a year.

“I'll place the sky Within your eyes.”

A reasonable part of your brain told you it was logical - it was smart. Of course Nikolai would propose to Alina. Politically, it made sense. It was a genius move. But the other eighty percent of your brain stenched from the betrayal. Seething fury and pain was buried deep underneath your skin, and no matter how nice and loving Alina had been, you couldn’t escape sneaking glares her way.

You never meant to. She was sweet and kind - she didn’t deserve it. But she was going to marry your husband. And he hadn’t even discussed it with you. That might have been the most painful about the entire ordeal: he never asked you.

It was never brought up in conversation, nor had he hinted towards it. It made you begin to wonder how long he had planned this out. And if he ever was going to tell you or ask you before proposing. Years spent with Nikolai before your marriage should have told you he would never do this out of love, but it felt like rubbing salt in a wound.

You hadn’t spoken to him in three days. In truth, you hadn’t seen him in three days. It might have been pettiness, but you were frightened you might do something stupid when you saw him again. So, you tried your very best to avoid him for as long as you could.

“There’s such a fooled heart Beatin' so fast. In search of new dreams A love that will last Within your heart.

Unfortunately, Nikolai wasn’t stupid. He knew you were avoiding him. He also knew exactly why. Then, every single time he tried to find you, something came in between. It was late at night, when he finally felt enough was enough. He had laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling endlessly. Sleep hadn’t come easy to him these last few days. You weren’t even showing up in your shared room anymore. Your pillow had gotten uncomfortably cold, and the clothes in your shared closet hadn’t moved since he made his decision.

Sitting up straight, he ran a hand through his hair, casting a glance to the empty spot beside him. Then, he stood up, hastily pulling on his robe as he left the room. Everyone had gone to sleep already, and the last people in the halls were either half asleep or keeping a watchful eye. A brief nod of recognition was given his way as Nikolai walked through the chilling halls.

He had no idea where to even start looking. You wouldn’t be in the most obvious spots; he knew you better than that. Tolya and Tamar had refused to tell him anything, even though he was sure they knew something. Their attitude towards him had changed slightly after his exchange with Alina, and he was sure they didn’t agree either. He didn’t mention it. He knew they’d shout at him, and he had enough on his shoulders as it was.

“I'll place the moon Within your heart.”

At night, Tamar would visit you, sometimes going with you to get some food in the late hours of the night. It was the only moment you could be given any peace. Right now, though, you had been alone.

Sitting at the long empty table, you chewed on a sandwich, topped with your favourite condiments. It was the most enjoyment you could get out of your day, and it was best celebrated in silence.

Papers of negotiations and terms were sprawled out across the kitchen, some weapons sitting in the corner of the room, hidden from plain sight. It never surprised you. You knew everyone had to be on their toes. It made it easier for you to focus on other things.

Like this delicious sandwich. “As the pain sweeps through Makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, Wasn't too much fun at all.”

“I might have known,” You heard from the entrance of the dining room, successfully drawing your attention. An unwanted scowl climbed onto your face as you stood up, holding the sandwich in one hand and the plate in another.

“I was just leaving,” You spoke with a full mouth, placing the plate in the sink, before making your way to the doorway. Not giving him another word, you pushed past him. “Wait,” He mumbled, grabbing your shoulder, forcing you to stop. You shrugged it off, turning around to face him. He looked slightly betrayed at the gesture, but composed himself quickly. “Can we not talk?”

“About?” You asked, disinterest in your voice. “Your new wife? She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” “Darling-�� Nikolai tried, but you had already turned around. “Goodnight, your highness.”

So, maybe you wanted to run up to him, sob into his shoulder and voice all your worries. Maybe, internally, that is what you needed most. But the mere sight of him now caused your blood to boil. And you could weep around that thought. Where he had once managed to make your heart skip a beat every time he looked at you, it now caused it to sink in agony. He made an oath to love you and no other. He made a promise. And political or not, it stung.

“But I'll be there for you. As the world falls down. Falling in love.”

You weren’t surprised when his quick feet caught up with you almost immediately, then slowing down to match your pace. You hated that he did that. He always did that. Asshole.

“Listen, I should have discussed this with you,” “Should you?” You interrupted, not halting your movement. “I don’t know. It’s not as if I am your wife or anything.” “Darling, please,” Nikolai pleaded, now grabbing your upper arms and keeping you in place, turning you to face him. “I love you, and only you. You know this.”

You didn’t respond to this, your eyes casting to the floor instead. You couldn’t see the change in Nikolai’s features upon your silence. You didn’t see how his eyebrows furrowed in heartbreak as his eyes reflected the same sadness you had felt this entire time. “You know that I love you, right?” He repeated, his voice now unsure.

The silence that followed was as terrifying to you as it had been to him. He hadn’t meant to make you feel this way. When he proposed, he didn’t think much of it, expecting you wouldn’t think much of it either. But the opposite finally appeared to be true, and now being directly faced with it, Nikolai cursed himself for not seeing it earlier.

“I'll paint you mornings of gold. I'll spin you Valentine evenings though we're strangers 'til now. We're choosing the path Between the stars.”

“Hey,” He tried, his hands gently falling from your arms as one of his fingers tapped your chin, causing you to redirect your gaze from the floor to his face. “You know I love you, right?”

Your lower lip trembled lightly as you let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know anymore, Nikolai.” “Oh, darling,” he sighed, wrapping his arms around you as he forced you into his embrace. And finally, after three days, you broke, your eyes breaking its dams as tears began to stream down your face, your shoulders shaking with your sobs.

“There is no one in the world I could ever love other than you,” Nikolai assured, his head resting atop yours as his fingers began to rub soothing patterns on your back. “Please, do not think you are anything less to me than everything.” “Why wouldn’t you ask me?” You sobbed, not looking up at him, instead keeping your head buried in his chest.

“I don’t know,” He answered truthfully. “I didn’t mean much by the proposal. I didn’t think too much of it as anything other than a paper.” He continued, placing a comforting kiss on top of your head. “And because of that, I didn’t think you would make much of it either.” “You were wrong.” You countered, your hands now grasping the back of his robe. “I know that now.” Then, he moved his head, looking down at you. “And I should have asked you before. I see that error.”

“I'll leave my love Between the stars.”

“If you had asked,” You started, your voice unsure. “And I would have said no, would you have still asked her?” A beat of silence echoed, before you felt him shake his head. “I wouldn’t have.”

You raised your head at this, your teary eyes forcing contact with his, seeking his face for any hint of deception. When you couldn’t find any, you sighed heavily. “I want to understand,” you muttered. “But part of me feels so betrayed.” “I know,” Nikolai whispered, one hand making its way to your face, wiping away stray tears. “And I do not blame you for this.”

“Alina is lovely,” you continued. “She doesn’t know we’re married. She doesn’t do this to harm me. Yet, part of me envies her so much. Every time I see her, I just want to punch her in the face.” That got a tiny chuckle out of him. “She doesn’t deserve that, Nikolai.” You scolded. “No, but it’s a little funny.”

“As the pain sweeps through Makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone Wasn't too much fun at all.”

When his laughter died down, he looked at you in sincerity. “I can break it off,” He decided. “Easily. It wouldn’t hurt her feelings. In truth, I do not think she feels anything for me. She is lovesick over Mal.” “Nikolai,” You interrupted him. “As someone who wishes to end this war, I see that this would be a good solution.” He shook his head. “And as my wife?”

When you thought about it for some time, Nikolai filled the silence. “The brutal truth.” He clarified. “Don’t make me feel good about myself.” You shrugged at that, your features falling slightly. “I’d ask for both your hands. Not just one.”

With those words, Nikolai’s hands intertwined with yours, squeezing them affectionately. “Then, you shall have them.” A heavy feeling settled into the pit of your stomach, the ominous truth lurking over your shoulders, almost laughing at you menacingly. “The people need an end to all of this.” “There are other ways to solve this war. Other, peaceful ways.” Nikolai countered, pulling you back into his embrace.

“But I'll be there for you. As the world falls down. As the world falls down. Falling in love.”

When he didn’t feel you copy his hold, he continued talking. “Marriage was option one. There are a hundred others.” “You could have started with these.” You mumbled, wiping the final few tears off your face. “Well, this one was the easiest,” Nikolai explained. “But I think that keeping my one true wife is worth the struggle.”

The lump in your throat began to slowly vanish at those words, anxiety still there, although less severe. As if he sensed it, Nikolai broke his hold on you. “Come morning, I’ll talk to Alina. You have my word.” Your hand shot to your arm as you rubbed it, trying to distract yourself. “I think it’s just the looming threat of the darkling.”

Cocking his head from side to side, the prince agreed with you. “It is terrifying.” “What if we cannot win this?” You questioned, doubt heavy on your mind. You knew it was on Nikolai’s too, but he had always been better at hiding it. Royal training tends to do that to you. “For the first time in years, we have a chance,” he assured. “And if not, I’ll die protecting that which I love.” You raised your eyebrows at this, already knowing what was coming, but you gave him the chance to say it out loud: “That’s you.”

Finally, a small smile climbed onto your face. “Sap.” “You married me for it.”

“As the world falls down Falling in love. As the world falls down.”

The late hour had started to dawn on you, exhaustion slipping back into your features. You were too tired to think more of the war, and make the issue bigger than it was. You spoke with Nikolai, which hadn’t been on your list of things to immediately get to. Be that as it may, it brought enough relief, and you found yourself slightly grateful for him stalking the halls late at night.

“Promise to not propose to anyone ever again?” You asked, trying to leave the matter for what it was. “Not ever after I asked you?” Nikolai retorted in a joking manner. You didn’t laugh at this. “That was a joke.” He clarified.

“It wasn’t funny.” “I know,” He quickly corrected himself, wiping the smile off his face, sincerity shown once again. “That was too soon.” You nodded at him, but leaned into his side, offering him some form of assurance.

“Makes no sense at all. Makes no sense to fall. As the world falls down Falling in love.”

“Come back to bed, my love. I haven’t slept well in days.” He muttered, an arm wrapping around your figure as he held you against him. “Neither have I.” You confessed, which caused him to look at you in slight confusion. “Truly?” When you nodded at him, he nodded his head, seemingly lost in thought. “Well, you wouldn’t say. You still look absolutely breathtaking.” You couldn’t suppress the heat rising to your face at his words, your heart skipping a beat.

When he didn’t speak after that, you took it as your queue to fill it. “I’m sorry.” You voiced. Furrowing his eyebrows, Nikolai squeezed your shoulder. “You have nothing to apologise for,” His feet began to walk through the halls, dragging you with him as he made sure to match your pace. “You were completely in the right to question my decisions and feel hurt because of it. My mistake was thinking that my reason for actions would be interpreted the same for everyone.” He cleared his throat as he thought over his own actions of the past few weeks with regret. “Clearly, that is not the case, and I know that now.”

The second smile of the night climbed upon your face as you looked up at him. “Are you apologising to me now?” “Shh,” He shushed you quickly. “Don’t tell the others.” You shook your head, nudging his side slightly. A content grin spread on Nikolai’s face as he looked down at you. “I love you, darling.” He shared. “Will you say it back?”

Giving him one fake-hesitant look, you gave him a joking nod. “I love you too.” His free hand grasped yours, bringing it up to his lips as he placed a light kiss on top of it.

“Thank you.”

“As the world falls down. Falling in love.”

[oncewhenalongtimeago]

Do you do requests? If not u can ignore this. Do u know how people say that a hero would save the world over u, when a villain would save u? That w Hiccup. Like Hiccup having to choose between saving y/n or others and he doesn’t choose y/n and then believes she’s dead. That would be the final straw for her and she would eventually start a relationship w the dragon hunters.

Can u tell I love angst😭

Castoff

Pairing: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III x Fem!Villain!Reader

Words: 2328

The gentle brush of fingertips as they slip apart, the pounding of blood as his heart falls out of your grasp. Those are feelings you are familiar with. Your relationship is one made up of meanings searched for where they are not, a deep care uprooted by a raging current and a single, meaningful mistake.

Tags: Angst, fem!reader, heartbreak, villain reader, unresolved insecurity, anger, canon divergent, first part?, suggestive content, RTTE, Httyd 2, 'Always the Angel, Never the God' adjacent

Next>

He knew before she did. You knew just as long as him. It wasn’t the kind of thing you or anyone else talked about, really, not to anyone but your parents and your true meant-to-be. But it was there. And you knew for the longest time that they were meant for eachother.

You didn’t know that it would have ever ended. Yet somehow, supposedly, it did. You still felt like an outlier, though. Your heart was his for so long that to see them together felt like a betrayal, and to be with him now felt like a betrayal of that.

You saw the look in his eyes, you watched them treat each other so familiarly, watched the others close in around them, perhaps looking to share in the joyful atmosphere, knowing that should you step into the light, the moment would be ruined.

You stepped away from the half open door, back into the darkness of the cabin, wondering how they could be so happy together even after the raid, a skirmish so tough and violent with some new dragon hunters from outside the area, unlike any of the ones you’d dealt with before. 

There was true love, romantic love and meant-to-be love.

Brown armor, red shirt, green eyes. Hands held gently, preciously out for your own.  

For the longest time, you didn’t have a love, true or meant-to-be. Well, you had a love that was certain to be true, but wrong in that it was made for someone who’d already given his heart to another. A heart that he’d, supposedly, taken back.

Now, you wondered what sort of love he held for you.

You made to reach out, but instead you turned away, missing the look of hurt you knew you would be there. You couldn’t, not with any of the others around. 

You didn’t miss the hushed conversation, carried on just the same as it was earlier but in lower tones, the small looks shared between them, the unsaid idea that maybe you just weren’t right. That you were a bad pair.

You knew what would greet you if you looked back; the hurt in his eyes, the loose brows, the slight disappointed tilt of his lips. 

You furrowed your brows. You let him down again. 

But it didn’t feel right, to love and share love, especially with her so closely there. With the ghost of them ever so present. It filled you with shame.

There was no bitterness held, only guilt born from many nights spent awake condemning yourself for your yearning. It was something you’d long since accepted was meant only for the dark of night, when no one else was awake enough to hear your heart flutter.

You still felt as if he was hers, that you were encroaching on something you weren’t supposed to have. It was a messy situation. They ended amicably, you’d been feeling terribly for a long, long time. You wondered if the feeling, the bone-deep hate for yourself, would ever go away, like you’d dreamed.

You had to stop and wonder when Hiccup the Useless became Hiccup and Useless. 

You buried your head into your knees, tired of staring out over the windy clifftop. No number of waves or gusts of wind could brush away your troubles.

You didn’t even miss Berk. You didn’t have a reason to go, nor one to stay. Just a floater, tethered only just so by the tattered, frayed strings of your own heart.

He was sitting next to you, a silent question on his lips, left unsaid but just as clearly heard.

You couldn’t forget how lonely you were, then and before, after he left you. A friend, somehow still physically so close and yet so far out of your reach. How quickly you were othered, how quickly you were labeled a pitiful tag-on. No amount of love, hidden nor shared, could ever make up for that.

Something tense was in the air between the two of you. You refused to give it a name, though you knew what it was just as well. It felt like the end. It felt like a new, terrible beginning. It felt like the heaviness in your gut and the slight burning of your eyes caused by the thin spray.

 Your touching fingertips became more as you clutched his hand, squeezing it.

You’d always been the confidant. To have the position switched was odd, unfamiliar. Hiccup was gawky and unsure in your boots. To have your troubles laid out between the two of you, of which there were many, disturbed you. The idea felt like a violation. 

So, without the words to speak them, you worked around. You found words you could speak, parts of some that were difficult and some that weren’t and strung them together like the split stems of flowers into a very nearly presentable crown.

You turned to your right, looked at him pleadingly, though you weren’t sure what you were pleading for. Nothing, everything at once, not to leave you behind, not to make you stay.

“Hiccup,” You stared hoarsely, hesitantly. It was silly, it was stupid saying it aloud. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t. He never would. 

Truly, you had only one question.

“Do you love me?” You asked. He looked confused, startled.

You leaned closer. You couldn’t tell which way he moved, if he moved at all. You imagined he moved away. He waited.

He looked at you expectantly. Unsurely. Why weren’t you moving closer? 

You’d never loved or been loved in any sort of way which mattered. The fact that you hadn’t felt like a burden, somehow just another reason as to why you weren’t deserving. An onerous boon that you just wanted to be rid of.

You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t know if you could.

He knew what was supposed to happen next. He’d experienced it; done it and had it done many times over. You hadn’t.

You two hadn’t been that close yet, not at all, not physically. This was not a boundary the two of you had yet crossed. You shared nothing more than a few mumbled words into the neck, a few shared words in your nook, a tight embrace and hands held loosely in the quiet darkness of the night. Promises, dedications. No actions.

The others knew about it, though. They heard the declaration, quiet and uttered as if it was just a casual thing. For him it was. You said nothing.

How could you?

You hesitated, waiting for an answer. Your lips twitched. Your eyes burned, stronger then. You shook your head and dropped his hand, which he let fall to the wayside. Using your hands and the floor, you pushed away.

As always, you couldn’t bear it. He waited for you, just as you didn’t want to be someone to wait for. You wanted to already have it. You wanted back the years you spent wasting away, coveted back the years you spent watching him give what you desperately needed so casually to another.

You stood, then.

It was a surprise when the two of you came together. No one had expected it. It seemed off, out of place. You weren’t sure Hiccup himself had, drifting in the spaces left between after he and her had split paths. 

You turned. You held your elbows and hunched your shoulders, turning your back to him and pushing against the wind, which though was light, felt all of the sudden as if it was way too much.

You weren’t sure he meant it. Whether or not this was real or something he’d just fallen into as per convenience.

 You did. You meant it. He was your true, he was your romantic.

What kind of love do you hold for me?

You knew the answer, plain and simple.

None. None at all.

You stood in the darkness of your cabin. Your windows were blocked, though you didn’t need the light. You’d been in for a while, you were used to it.

You’d exhausted your usual time-taking avenues, left with nothing but maintenance; folding, organizing, sorting. 

It was awkward. Since the clifftop, the two of you were distant. You didn’t avoid each other, but you also didn’t speak. It was a miracle that nothing had happened yet to force the two of you together.

You were beginning to believe that was the end of your relationship. You were having a hard time accepting it, though the feeling was creeping into your heart slowly and you were beginning to feel empty.

You didn’t flinch as the door to your cabin opened, creaking, though you winced as you turned back towards the light, started as he came up, pressing you against the wall.

Your lips met. 

It was not rough, more just so. It unbalanced you all the same.

He was unsure, nervous. Clumsy. But it was strong. But it was meaningful. But you could tell he meant it. 

You molded into his shape just as he molded into yours. Hesitantly, unsurely,  you responded. He was gentle enough to guide you.

Once again, you asked, though not so much in words as actions; Do you love me?

And this time, he responded. Your heart bloomed. Not violently, not roughly, just so, enough for a shining pink petal to crest the green sepal.

Yes. Yes, I do love you.

You were light, you were fervent, you were free. You believed him.

The same hunters from before. The lot of you had gotten captured. You were too distressed to remember if it had been your fault. There were rocks sharpened to a point below you, gray skies and windy, stormy seas rushing tumultuously below.

You were far from the Edge. In unfamiliar territory. Any allies unaware and absent. The dragons, trapped in cages long behind you.

Hunters were sailing away behind you. It was a victory, however it was also one that came with a terrible price. Something had been set off, violently at that, throwing you off the edge of the cliff face, destabilizing the cage held by a chain pinned to the rock above by a thin  steel nail.

“Hiccup,” You pleaded, breathlessly as your body struggled to keep up with your weight, with the rope  and chains tied around your ankle,  “H-elp.”

I need you.

“Just- hold on, the others-” He crouched, glancing frantically between you and the others handing caged off the side. Their chains were thin, yours were thicker though both were just as equally dangerous.

Please, I need you now.

You jerked back as another rope snapped. Unheard by his ears, drowned out by the raucous waves below and by the rattling of empty cages, pushed around in the air. Unseen as his eyes trained on the others. 

Hiccup didn’t see, eyes trained elsewhere. There was no time to waste. After all, if he helped you up, in the time that took, they might fall. They would fall.

“Hiccup!” Astrid shouted. Snotlout shouted. You remembered how they looked before you’re been knocked off. Fishlegs panicking, mumbling to himself zealously, distress projected clearly for all to see. Ruffnut and Tuffnut yelled mindlessly into the air, a waning battlecry as the island deteriorated around you

Somehow, in between terror, in between the pain of your ankle as it threatened to snap and the taut muscle of your arms, a grim doom began to worm and thrash and coil in your gut.

“I’m not- I’m not going to make it,” You said desperately, voice crackling, face crunching as tears began to spill over the edge, shoulders straining, holding on just barely. 

 “Please, there’s-Just, cut me loose-” You prayed, to whichever god was out there, he still had his knife. That he had something sharp. You were going to die.

You could tell he was stressed, overwhelmed, just as panicked. He shifted restlessly, stiffly, perhaps a million times in the last minute. Noise built up in his throat as he spoke but you were unable to hear clearly as your ears filled with buzzing. You tried to speak, but you couldn’t hear your own voice, too breathless and strained to make a sound.

You watched his eyes flicker, you saw the soot on his face and each strand of his hair as it waved in great detail, your world slowing down to a halt.

He stopped. You caught his eyes briefly, you saw as an idea formed, as his resolve hardened, and as he made his choice. You knew it would not be one he made for you.

“Hold on!” Hiccup shouted, as the other’s cries grew more intense, ears deaf to your pleas. He pushed away towards the other side of the cliff, running towards the others as their cage dipped once again.

There was a sharp pain in your chest, as if the nails you dug in with so despairingly were instead gripping your lungs, sharp and unforgiving.

Do you love me?

You were going to die.

 You blinked away tears and snot and all the little, tiny shards of your heart that had gotten stuck in your eyes on their way out.

You just had to hold on. You just had to hold on until Hiccup got back.

You shouted something wild, something animal as your fingers gave, numb with cold and sliding loose even as you commanded them to grip tight. You had no way to fight, no thing in which to fight with as your hold weakened on the slippery rock.

Your nails hurt as they worked against rock and loose dirt, fragile roots and falling stones. Your fingers pained as they worked furiously against themselves.

Hiccup left you. He wasn’t going to come back. You were going to die before he came back.

It was like a stake had been shoved into your gut.

Hiccup left you.

You were going to die.

Your vision whited out.

You were going to die.

You couldn't hold on any longer.

You fell.

[ammy246]

Just saw some Narusasu shippers shitting on Bakudeku, and as someone who's first gay ship and otp used to be Narusasu instead of Bakudeku, I have some thoughts.

I remember the heartbreak I felt the day Kishimoto ruined Narusasu by forcing them to be romantically involved with women without a single bit of relationship development. Naruto ended up with Hinata in a filler movie despite having ignored her even after her romantic confession to him, and Sasuke abandoned Sakura after having a child with her. This was not the ending any of us wanted. We wanted Naruto and Sasuke to peacefully resolve their rivalry, and find love in each other after all they've been through. But unfortunately, that's not what happened as Kishimoto had to force a next-gen onto us, and permanently friendzoned them. It's tragic and felt like a betrayal, but shounen had not been ready for queer relationships, so Narusasu being shafted was ultimately inevitable.

While I cannot say for 100% certain, I can say that Bakudeku has a much greater chance of becoming canon than Narusasu ever did. Horikoshi once stated that he will tell the story he wants to be told and not follow the stereotypical formula, contradicting Kishimoto who went with the shounen ending we've seen many times before of the protagonist accomplishing their goal and marrying a woman and having kids (even though they have no chemistry with said woman or a lack of feelings for them compared to their rival).

Horikoshi had the chance to make Izuocha canon. They could've confessed before the war, but they didn't. The two moved on with their lives, and have made no desire to talk about feelings for each other, but are rather focused on other peope (Bakugou and Toga) as that's where their hearts reside. Bakugou also has no other potential love interest aside from Midoriya as he is the one he is closest too in the entire world and knows the most which is different than Sasuke who had some moments with Sakura scattered throughout the series from the start.

Bakugou cares about Midoriya in a way that's beyond friendship. He means the word to him to the point he was willing to sacrifice himself and even die for him, and will make himself vulnerable around him and nobody else. Midoriya has hidden feelings for Bakugou as his thoughts regarding him are hidden, and his heart always spirals out of control because of Bakugou, but we have not yet been directly told why. Midoriya does not act like this around his other friends, and he has many.

Naruto and Sasuke resolved things right after their final fight, and their friendship returned stronger than ever before, but that was it. Yet even after Bakugou's apology, there are still unresolved issues even though Midoriya chose to forgive him, meaning something must still be said between the two. Midoriya did not want an apology; he wanted to deepen their bond beyond friendship, but was too afraid of rejection hence why he never confessed and hid his feelings instead.

This plotline is still unresolved as of chapter 405. Bakugou is now being honest about his feelings, yet we have still yet to see Midoriya's thoughts regarding Bakugou's death and revival only having been given face expressions. So if their friendship has returned and gotten stronger than ever before despite the series not yet being over, what else is there to develop aside from romantic feelings?

Narusasu shippers, I hate to say it, but we lost. We cannot change the past, but we can have hope for the future. Bakudeku has surpassed Narusasu long ago, and the two are closer to a love confession than ever before, which is something we never quite got close to with Narusasu. If Horikoshi is serious about not following the typical shounen formula, we might have a real chance here. We might not get a kiss or marriage, but if the two confess their feelings for each other and do not end up with women like nothing happened, then that would be a huge victory for the LGBT+ community, and hopefully open the gateway for more queer relationships in shounen jump for the future.

Both Bakudeku and Narusasu are amazing ships. I wish we could live in a reality where both became canon, but getting one would still be a major milestone. Do not attack each other over what could have been, but resolve your differences like Bakugou & Midoriya and Naruto & Sasuke did and look towards a brighter future where LGBT+ can be mainstream without us having to fight for it and fear losing.

[coleskingdom]

Letting Someone Go

Adam Cole x F Reader

Minors DNI 18 + NSFW

@midwestmade29 @madhatterbri

Summary : Revenge and Sad Songs leads to betrayal

Coles POV

Finding her was never hard when Jay was out of town, she liked a drink and a country cover band at the place in town. She sat at the back by herself with her vodka and soda. She looked more relaxed when she wasn’t around him softer, prettier not that any of that mattered for my plan to work. Jay had made all of this personal, first with the concussion he gave me, then the constant condescension, and finally only half heartedly coming after me as if I wasn’t a threat to him. I needed to hurt him mentally, I needed to shatter his soul, to hit him in his known weakness her. She was going to be collateral damage.

My POV

I saw him when he walked in, this wasn’t Cole’s scene. I wondered what he wanted, why he was here. I kicked out a chair, “ Adam sit” I said cooly,” what do you want?” . His eyes showed a slight surprise I clearly had interrupted his thought process. “ what would Jay say about this? You asking me to sit“ the smirk on his face. “ I didn’t ask I’m pretty sure I told you.” my tone unamused. “ Besides, I do this thing called whatever I want. “ raising my drink at him. He didn’t need to know that I had just had a fight with Jay, that we’d been fighting for weeks. He sat down and flagged the waitress down for another round.

“So?” I said eyeing him, his brown hair slicked back into a pony tail, a black v neck shirt, jeans and boots. He was attractive always had been, his eyes a light blue, the lines around his eyes told me he laughed a lot.

Adam’s POV

Fuck, this isn’t going to be as easy as I thought. She’s waiting on me to say something . “ I thought I’d come out to have a drink” I said wondering if I could charm my way in. “Really?” She questioned “ This bar tonight? When I thought you were looking for little ol me” her over emphasized twang making me laugh. “ What? Why?” I asked “Oh I don’t know, Jay is my boyfriend, you have a vendetta against Jay, you want to get at him by irritating me.” She said “ That’s it isn’t it.” as my face was clearly shocked. “You’re all the fucking same.”

My POV

“You can have the table, I’m done.” anger rising. “I swear to God it never fucking stops. Between the time away , the travel, the kayfabe that turns into a shoot. It’s too fucking much. I can’t even come out for a drink and a sad fucking song without his shit following me. Fuck.” Adam’s face fell, “ Hey, I’m sorry” he said his tone sincere, “Are you okay?” “If I wasn’t why would I tell you?” Wiping a tear from my eye. “No, I’m not okay. I just wanted a drink, to get away from all of the bullshit.”. taking a swig of my drink. “ How about a dance?” he said “ Your serious?”I said looking at him quizzically. He offered his hand, I accepted even if it was the worst dance ever it’d be funny. He led me to the dance floor the band started a cover of “PBR promenade ” he pulled me close and he led me in a two step, he didn’t say anything just led me across the dance floor.

Adam’s POV

There it was her walls coming down, I danced her across the floor. A little spin, my hand appropriately placed with just enough pressure to seem like I was enjoying this. Nothing like a soundtrack of cheating and heartbreak songs as a sound track to this plan, maybe it makes it easier, the idea of lost love, dreaming of someone else than who you’re with. She does feel good in my arms , she’s feisty but just wants someone to meet her half way. Her soft clean perfume, made me pull her closer, as the song ended. I held her a little bit longer. “ Thanks for the dance “ she said pulling away, her face a mix of emotions. “No problem” I said my hand lingering in hers. “ What’s one more dance?” pulling her back in, she nestled her head on my shoulder,I heard her sigh. My head and heart at war with each other. “You’re okay” I don’t know if the words whispered were for her or me. I felt her tears on my shirt, the words of the song hitting her , the only lyrics I heard were her soft breath and sighs as she pulled me closer.

My POV

“You can't lie to yourself

After loving something true

And I've never loved a soul

Quite the way that I loved you

You told me you despise

Everything that I've become

How we always turn into

Everything we're running from”

Why did he feel so good and why did I not feel guilty ? I’m crying in the shoulder of the last person I should be, but he’s here, and his hands feel good. It’s just a dance I can leave as soon as the songs over. I can tell Jay I danced with him, I can tell him he won’t be happy. He smells good, he’s so warm.

“Take it slow as you leave me

Don't you go home this evening

With someone

You're acting like is me

And I will try my hardest darling

Wait on a star that's falling

And I will wait so desperately

One thing I have quickly come to know

Nothing kills you slower than

Letting someone go”

The song ended, the last line of the song, the double meaning as I let go of his hand. Walking from the dance floor, grabbing my purse and out the front door of the bar. I got to my truck, I couldn’t breathe. I heard his footsteps, “I can’t let you leave like this” Adam’s voice soft, “let me drive you home.” his hand soft on my face. I looked into his blue eyes, there was a sadness there I recognized. I kissed him, his mouth reluctant,before giving in and pushing me up against my car as his body pressed closer into mine.

Adam’s POV

“Listen, I need to tell you something” I said needing to tell her what my plan was, I needed absolution from this. “ I don’t care, whatever it is I don’t care” she said cutting me off. Kissing me again wrapping her arms around my neck. If she doesn’t care then who am I to force the issue it’s what I came here to do. I kiss her deeper bringing her as close to me as I can. “ Honey, we can stay here, I can take you home, or you can come home with me.” In her ear.

My POV

I should just go home, I should just go home but why does he feel so good? Jay would forgive anyone but him, I’m not going to delude myself into thinking he wouldn’t find out. He presses me further against the truck, parting my legs with his, kisses move down my jaw, and to my ear I barely recognize the noises coming out of my own mouth. “Adam, truck please” he moved me barely catching my breathe to the side as he opened the truck door and climbed in the drivers side, he chuckled and smiled as he looked at me as he moved the bench seat back before helping me up and settle on his lap. Face to face in the truck it feels more intimate than it should, he kisses me again bringing me back to the moment and my overwhelming desire for him.

“Honey , you’re gonna be the death of me” as he bucked his hips in to me making me whimper. He continues his ministrations kissing down my jaw and neck as I grind against his lap, the combination of his jeans and the seam of my shorts the friction on my clit was addictive. I reached around and pulled his hair down. As I pulled away from his mouth on my neck reaching for the hem of his v neck, as I pulled it up over his head. His chiseled chest and arms further stoke the fire inside. He hums as I run my hands down his chest letting me take my time. “Honey, as pretty as you look in this top, I’m gonna need it gone as I’m much more interested in what’s underneath.” I raised my arms so that he could take it off.

"Honey you're fucking perfect," Adam pulls your hand that was going to cover yourself and places it between both your crotches onto his hard cock. You both moan out at the sensation. Adam reaches up to unbutton your shorts and you aid him in pulling them down and tossing them to rest with your discarded shirts. Only the black lace thong remained. The phone rang in my purse but I ignored it.

Adam’s fingers toyed with the edge of my panties before he pulled my panties to the side to catch a glimpse of your wetness.

"All for you Adam," Adams whole body audibly twitched at that admission and he pulled me in by the back of the head for another deep kiss with his hand that wasn't between my legs. As you kissed messily with your free hands palming over his length Adam increased his speed and plunged his middle finger into you. I moaned against his mouth at the intrusion and whimpered trying to find something coherent to say.

"Adam please I'm so close,"

"I know honey, please cum for me." Adam begged whilst he circled my clit once more with his thumb. Feeling myself clench around him Adam repeated his actions over and over as I moved against him as pleasure overcame me. Breathing hard. I kissed him, parting from the kiss, he stuck his fingers in his mouth and licked them clean. His blue eyes focusing on mine as the phone rang again. “ You probably should get that , he’s gonna keep calling.” his cocky tone bringing the gravity of what we just did to the forefront of my mind. I dug for the phone and tried to get off his lap his hands held my hips in place.

I answered “ Hey Jay, sorry I didn’t hear the phone in the bar.” trying to compose my voice, Adam mouthed put it on speaker, I mouthed no . He reached for the phone and hit the speaker button. Adam heard Jays explanation for the fight and the generic I’m sorry. Adam bucked up into me causing a laugh curse moan to fall from my lips. “Are you okay he asked?” his voice concerned. “I’m tipsy, and I just kind of tripped.” trying to not moan again. He chastised me for being out tipsy, that I should be more careful. “I’ve got to go, we will talk when you get back.” as Adam found the place on my neck. I hung up the phone finally releasing the breath I held. “Oh Honey, did you think I was going to say something?” I nodded, “ Why would I do that? When your neck has the imprint of my lips on it.” his cocky tone replacing the soft sweet tone, that he’d used earlier. I got off of his lap and put back on my clothes refusing to meet his eyes. “Honey don’t be that way, we had fun, I know you did. “his grin caused a shiver down my spine. “This is all up to you, you can tell him break his heart, I can tell him, or I’ll make a one time offer we don’t tell him and we do this again sometime.” his voice fully composed and with an edge. “Adam” my voice pleading with him not sure what I was agreeing to. “ I’m gonna say you’re gonna pick the first or last option, no need to answer now. You’re too feisty to let me be the one to do it, but you do have a self preservation instinct. However , I think you liked this more than you’re going to admit” as he reached for his shirt putting it back on. “Get out” refusing to look at him. “ Honey, I’m going” he turned my face to his and kissed me again deeply and possessive before getting out of the truck and shutting the door. I didn’t know what I was going to do. As I started the truck and drove away.

Adam’s POV

The mix of emotions that were warring inside was not what I expected. I expected to feel satisfied instead, I missed her, and realized that I wouldn’t hurt her, even if it furthered my goal. Though something told me she’d be back as I watched her peel out of the parking lot.

Song list

PBR Promenade American Aquarium

Letting Someone Go Zach Bryan

Something in the Orange Zach Bryan

Sun To Me Zach Bryan

City Lights American Aquarium

[mxl633]

@c-yerim

The confession before Christmas

You first noticed Chaeryeong in tenth grade, and from that very moment, your world seemed to tilt on its axis. There was something about her that was irresistible..something you couldn’t put into words. The way she carried herself with grace and confidence, the slight twinkle in her eyes when she laughed, and the way her presence filled a room without her even trying. It didn’t help that she looked like a perfect blend of Chaewon, Winter, and Beomgyu an unspoken mix of everything that was cute, mysterious, and captivating.

At first, it was just a fleeting crush, one of those things you couldn’t help but notice from afar. You’d catch her looking at you from across the room during class or at lunch, her gaze always darting away the moment you met her eyes. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary just shy glances and quick exchanges. But somehow, it felt different with her. Every time you caught her staring, your heart would skip a beat. You found yourself wanting to know more, to get closer, but you couldn’t figure out how to make it happen.

Then, one day, you had enough of just watching from the sidelines. You worked up the courage to approach her after class. “Hey, Chaeryeong,” you said, your voice trembling slightly. “I noticed you’ve been looking at me a lot lately.” You instantly regretted it, but to your surprise, she smiled shyly and said, “I guess I have.”

That simple conversation was all it took. From there, things slowly but surely started to evolve. You became friends, and each day you spent with her only made your feelings for her stronger. You laughed at the same jokes, confided in each other about everything and nothing, and spent hours just talking. The connection was undeniable, and despite your growing feelings, you never had the courage to admit it out loud. You were just happy to be around her, even if she never seemed to notice how much you cared.

As the months passed, it became harder to ignore the truth. You were falling for her , VERYY hard. How could you not? Chaeryeong was perfect in every way, and the way she looked at you made you believe there was something more. You would lie awake at night, thinking about her, wondering if she felt the same way, but always doubting it. She was just so out of your league, and there was no way someone like her could ever be interested in someone like you.

Then, your world shattered.

One day, you found out that Chaeryeong was dating your cousin. The playboy. The one who had never taken relationships seriously. He was charming, yes, but you knew him better than anyone—he was a serial heartbreaker, someone who treated relationships like a game. It was hard to watch, especially when you saw them together. They seemed happy, and though your heart ached, you tried to push your feelings aside. After all, what choice did you have?

But it wasn’t long before the cracks in their relationship started to show. Your cousin, as expected, cheated on her. And he didn’t even bother hiding it. He paraded it around, shamelessly flaunting his infidelity. You could see it in Chaeryeong’s eyes the hurt, the betrayal, but she stayed with him. You couldn’t help but feel a mix of anger and heartbreak. How could she stay with someone like him when she deserved so much more? You wanted to be the one there for her, to protect her from the pain, but you had no right to interfere. After all, she was with him, not you.

The pain of seeing them together was unbearable. But eventually, you found someone else like a girl who liked you, someone who made you feel a little less broken. For a while, you thought maybe you could move on, that you could forget about Chaeryeong and everything you had been feeling. But every time you tried to get close to someone else, your heart couldn’t help but wander back to her. You were still in love with Chaeryeong, and it hurt even more when you found out the girl you were seeing had cheated on you.

So, you did what you thought was best: you shut yourself off from everyone. You stopped talking to Chaeryeong, pretending like you didn’t care, hoping that maybe time would help you forget about her. But it didn’t work. Every time you tried to ignore her, fate seemed to have other plans. She always found a way to cross your path, to make your heart race with just a look or a quiet word. You tried to avoid her on campus, pretending like you didn’t care, but the truth was, you were terrified. Terrified that you would give in, terrified that your feelings would come rushing back with a single glance.

The worst part was the way she looked at you when she found you. Her gaze was always full of longing, as though she was silently asking why you were pulling away from her. Every time she bumped into you, you could see the hurt in her eyes, and it broke your heart. But you were too scared to face it too scared to let her in.

Then, one day, you decided enough was enough. You couldn’t keep running away. You couldn’t keep pretending that everything was okay when it clearly wasn’t. You couldn’t stop the way your heart raced every time she was near, the way your mind replayed every conversation you’d had, every laugh you’d shared. You couldn’t keep ignoring the obvious: you still loved her.

It was almost Christmas, and you knew that if you didn’t tell her how you felt now, you might never get the chance. You’d planned everything out—writing her a letter, confessing everything you’d kept hidden for so long. But there was no perfect moment, no ideal setting. It had to be now.

You were walking through the hallway when you saw her. She was standing at her locker, looking around as if searching for something or someone. Your heart skipped a beat when your eyes met, and for a moment, it felt like the whole world stopped. She smiled, and the warmth in her gaze made everything else fade away.

For the first time in months, you didn’t run away. Instead, you walked toward her, your hands trembling but your heart set on what you needed to do.

“Chaeryeong,” you said, your voice soft but sure. She looked at you, eyes wide, as if she couldn’t believe you were standing there in front of her. “I can’t keep doing this,” you confessed. “I’ve been avoiding you for so long because I’ve been scared, scared of how much I care about you, scared of losing everything.”

She didn’t say anything at first, just watched you with those familiar, captivating eyes. You handed her the letter, and she took it, her fingers brushing against yours for just a moment. Her breath caught, and she started reading.

When she looked up, there was a softness in her expression that you hadn’t seen in so long. “I’ve always known,” she whispered, and you felt your heart race even faster. She stepped closer, her hand gently reaching for yours, her fingers lacing with yours in a way that felt so natural, so right. “I’ve always known how you felt, but I didn’t know how to make it easier for you.”

You could hardly believe it, but there it was. Chaeryeong, the girl you had loved for so long, was standing in front of you, and she felt the same way.

“I’m sorry I kept pulling away,” you said, your voice cracking slightly. “I just..I didn’t think you could ever feel the same.”

“I didn’t think I could either,” she said with a soft laugh, “but here we are.”

And just like that, everything you had dreamed about came true. Chaeryeong kissed you then, her lips soft against yours, and it was like all the years of waiting, all the moments of longing, were finally worth it. You pulled her closer, feeling the warmth of her embrace as she wrapped her arms around you.

From that moment on, nothing could tear you apart. You spent the rest of the semester together, laughing, talking, and just enjoying being in each other’s presence. The campus became a little brighter, and everything felt a little easier now that Chaeryeong was by your side.

By the time Christmas break arrived, you knew one thing for sure: no matter what obstacles came your way, you would face them together. And for the first time, you weren’t afraid anymore.

I was half asleep half awake while writing this chat

[lokidokieokie]

Betrayal in the Shadows

Summary: An undercover cop, Bucky Barnes, and a mob boss, Y/n, struggle with their intense connection as their worlds collide and ultimately shatter in the face of betrayal.

Pairing: Cop!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Mobster!Reader

Warning(s): betrayal, angst, no happy ending, sad!bucky, sad!reader

Bucky Barnes had been working as an undercover cop for the past six months, infiltrating the inner circle of one of the most notorious mob bosses in the city. He had seen and done things that made his stomach churn, but he couldn't deny that he was drawn to the woman in charge. She was fierce, intelligent, and incredibly beautiful. They had an intense connection that kept pulling them together, despite the danger that lurked around every corner.

Y/n, the mob boss, had never felt such a strong attraction to anyone before. Bucky Barnes was a mystery to her, and she couldn't help but feel drawn to him. She trusted him with her life, and he had proven his loyalty time and time again. They spent long nights together, planning their next move, and their conversations often turned personal. They talked about their pasts, their dreams, and their fears. They knew each other better than anyone else, and yet there was always something unsaid between them.

One night, after a successful heist, they found themselves alone in the back of a dimly lit bar. The air was thick with tension, and they both knew what was about to happen.

"You know we shouldn't be doing this," Bucky said, his voice low and husky.

"I know," Y/n replied, her eyes locked on his.

"But I can't help myself," he admitted, moving closer to her.

"Neither can I," she whispered, before their lips met in a heated kiss. It was like nothing they had ever experienced before, and they both knew that it was just the beginning.

But their moment of bliss was short-lived. Suddenly, the door burst open, and a group of police officers stormed in, pointing their guns at them.

"Hands up where we can see them! You're all under arrest!" one of them yelled.

Bucky felt his heart drop as he realised that it was his squad. He had been so focused on you that he had forgotten that he was a cop, not a criminal. He was here to do a mission, not fall in love.

Y/n's expression changed from shock to heartbreak in a matter of seconds. She knew what this meant. She was going to prison, and her empire would crumble. She looked at Bucky with tears in her eyes, and he could see the pain and betrayal in her gaze.

"Bucky, how could you?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"I'm sorry," he said, his own voice filled with regret. "I didn't want it to end this way."

"You betrayed me," she spat, pulling away from him. "I trusted you with everything, and now you've destroyed me."

"I know, and I'm sorry," he said, taking a step closer to her.

"Save it," she said, turning away from him. "You've done enough damage already."

As she was dragged away and placed in the back of a police car, Bucky watched her disappear into the night, feeling like he had lost a part of himself. He knew that what they had was special, and he had been foolish to think that they could keep it a secret forever. He had betrayed her trust, and he would have to live with that for the rest of his life.

Y/n, on the other hand, was consumed by a feeling of emptiness. She had built her entire life around her criminal empire, and now it was all gone. She had never thought that she would fall in love, especially not with a cop. She had trusted Bucky with everything, and now he had turned against her.

Their connection was shattered, and there was no going back. What could have been the best thing in their world was destroyed before it could even begin. There was no happy ending for them, only a bitter end.

A/N So, I've decided that I will now be writing for Bucky too :)

🏷 @thewaithfuckingannoyme @evelyn-kingsley @moonlight-ee 

lemme know if you'd like to be tagged in anything Bucky related

[atlabeth]

Okayyyy Sadie, we're gonna talk about that beautiful 17k Aaron Hotch work you gave us. Let's start with how crushed the reader must've felt to realize her brother that she had been trying to help for all his life killed so many other people and attempted to kill her. It's so heartbreaking. A lot of serial killers would use the excuse that everyone abandoned them and mistreated them but Lucas all his sister did was love him and continually support him to get his life back on track and it is sad he never managed to accomplish that. Till the end before he kidnapped her she never believed he did it, The recovery from that will be alot. The shock on their faces when they saw each other. I know Emily couldn't wait to question him. The two realizing that the trajectory they expected of either one's life isn't true. The reader never became a lawyer and he joined the FBI. Also Hotch being sad about her Mom having died 💔 I had to giggle a little when he said she never told him. Umm sir she very much didn't want you in her life after you broke her heart. The lil flashbacks to their relationship were cute. So lovey lovey and fluff. I like how you pointed out how it must've felt for Hotch as her ex-boyfriend to find out all these things about her home life that he never learned in the span of their relationship. Morgan teasing him was a nice touch and made me laugh. Trust him to not care and antagonize Hotch a lil. Hotch being jealous that he doesn't hold the key to the reader anymore. Well I think that's your fault sir. I would've been heartbroken if I trusted my bf to meet up with his ex and he realized he never stopped loving her. I really like how you wrote the scene where she was leaving. No crying in front of him or anything just coldness and making the steps to move on. I appreciate that and I loved that she didn't entertain none of those fake pleasantries about staying friends after break up. "Have a good rest of your life, Aaron. I hope it doesn’t involve me ever again.” great line Lucas seemed so normal when the reader came home and they were just talking. It really is so sad that he did that to his sister. The way Hotch rushed out the precinct when he realized she was the last target ❤️ and the realization that kevlar vests would be good to bring after the fact 😂 Hotch are you okay to lead this. Him saying yes. Hotch's thoughts explaining to us that he might be still in love with her and really shouldn't be leading this 😂 I liked how you ended it with the opportunity for a friendship to blossom and hopefully a romance eventually because after this experience the last thing the reader needed was jumping into a relationship. It'll be long road to recovery. All in all it was a lovely fic and I enjoyed reading it. U don't have to respond to this btw.

wow thank you so much???? this is actually so nice and i smiled so big the whole time i read this

yes their sibling relationship is so important to me because for so much of their childhood they only had each other!!! and then luke started getting sent to jail and reader was all alone and then she went to college and was really alone, and she was the only one that visited him consistently and still had faith in him 🥹 she’s going to be a mess for a while recovering from the trauma of his betrayal and death

yes literally because what areee the odds that your ex boyfriend that you thought you were going to marry is now the fbi agent on your front door lmao??? emily was focused on the case but also lowkey living for the drama

yes hotch realizing he never knew her as well as he thought he did?? realizing he knows her even less now?? morgan stoking the fire because why would he not??

i wrote this on ao3 in response to a comment asking about what went down between hotch and haley </3

but yes!! that’s the start of her not wanting to show any emotion in front of hotch because she sees it as weak and it goes on until she literally almost dies in front of him lmao. love that for them

yeah i had fun writing their sibling banter, it’s too bad that none of it mattered 💀 and hotch might not have fully realized it but he would have literally thrown himself into fire for reader at this point tbh

yes that was super important to me!! reader went through something intensely traumatic and life altering, and she and hotch also haven’t seen each other in a decade — they’re not just going to fall back in love and into a relationship, but that spark is still there!! recovery will be a LONG road but it’s something they want to go down together🫶

thank you so much for reading and leaving such a lovely play by play, you’re the best 🥹🫶

[quantum-bliss]

Day 10 of Heartbreak

Revelation. Yesterday I wasn't sober. It took being intoxicated for me to see who I was. This entire time I only side one side of things, which lets me know the truth was far from me. The truth is now closer to me than any of the other days.

Day 1 and Day 2 of heartbreak are missing from my writings, they are missing for a reason. It was my anger that made me severe our relationship and I could not possibly write what was I feeling in that state of mind. It would be evil to even put such words into the universe.

Fast forward to now, I realize how deceived I was in my initial heartbreak. I truly believed you had become this awful who cared nothing about the 5 years we spent together. I felt like you did everything just to hurt to me. Now I know I was nothing but a fool to believe such a thing.

Truth is, you triggered something in me that I havent seen in myself in a long time... vulnerability. Vulnerability can mean alot of things, but for me ill define as being in a position to be hurt.

It had been so long since I allowed anyone close enough to hurt me. Not one friend, not one lover, not one family memeber could get to me. I hid myself in plain sight, never sharing too much, never depending too much, never opening my heart too much, and never being vulnerable.

So when you finally did something that hurt me, it was as if the safe world I had spent so long building had come crashing down. I felt everything all at once. Every disappointment, every betrayal, every loss, every rejection, every pain I hid from myself came rushing in.

I had no where to run, no where to hide, no where to find safety. The wall on my heart had been compromised.

Even worse, somewhere in my mind I felt like I was waiting for you to slip up, just so that self-sabotaging voice could say 'see I told you. You cant trust anyone.' This is what I meant when I told you that you are not fully responsible for what I felt. My heart had been broken a million times before you, but so has yours.

I finally realize this why most people have such dysfunctional relationships. We are all suffering from decades of internal bleeding. Instead of addressing our wounds, we keep reaching out and hoping someone or something will heal us. But, in the end, we just end up hurting the people we love and hurting ourselves.

Now I understand the meaning of love hurts. It has nothing to do with love actually hurting, it is the fact that we are so imperfect that theres no way were not going to hurt each other when get close to another person.

You and I were both broken when we met, we were just broken in different ways. I cant judge you for your form of brokeness, nor can I judge myself. Since we know at some point we will get hurt, I guess its up to us to decide in what ways are we okay with being hurt and what ways are we not.

Anyway, today I calm. I feel confident in my future. I am not angry, sad, distracted, or numb, I just am. I thought the day my heart stops hurting would be the day I began to forgot you, but thats not true. In fact, I think I love you more now than ever. That is because, for the first time im my life I am beginning to truly heal. My heart feels healthier and more capable of loving, which means it is also more capable of forgiving.

I am beginning to forgive both your actions and my own, and even those who hurt me before you. I wish you had met this version of me, but im just glad I am meeting this version of myself.

As always life changes daily, but for the first time in this treacherous cycle of heartbreak, I can truly say im glad this happened. I hope one day you can say the same.

[fvcking-nerd]

Just a fun theory that I doubt would happen, but wouldn’t it be nice plot twist or change of pace if MC was unknowingly “the other woman” in the Amelia-Zeph situation?

The only ways to meet him are either to be childhood friends (which means he’d know Amelia his entire life), being introduced to him BY Amelia (where MC mentions all three of them had been super close for years), or randomly at bus stop and exchanged numbers (and even though there’s no explicit mention of Amelia, based on the other options we can assume he’d eventually be acquainted with MC’s twin). Now regardless of how long your MC has been single (recently single and ready to mingle, flying solo for awhile, or since your first love), MC’s first love will always be Zeph and no matter the options for why things didn’t work out (we wanted different things, I think he was in to someone else, he ghosted me), he always ends up skipping town and going on tour without ever getting back to her. On top of that too, they were never properly in a relationship but kissed a bunch of times. And the last thing we know (thanks to Ivy’s confession) is that Zeph loved Amelia and not MC.

So…here’s my nonsense theory. What if Zeph and Amelia were in a serious relationship, and Amelia kept it quiet for MC’s sake? Based on Truth or Dare, we know Amelia knew about MC’s crush on Zeph (implied by Ivy’s question question if the twins have ever crushed on the same person and the confession at the end of the game) so it seems plausible that Amelia would like to keep it quiet to avoid hurting MC. But what if this was a source of tension in Amelia and Zeph’s relationship if they can’t be open and public about it for her sister’s sake? Zeph would know about MC’s feelings and it hasn’t been mentioned yet if MC or Zeph made the first move when they started making out from time to time. On top of that, Amelia’s job requires a lot of travel, and Zeph would be going on tour soon. We don’t know much about Zeph as a character (and who knows if he’ll ever show up), but we know enough that he’s the type of person to kiss one sister while having feelings for the other and then keep quiet about it all. Is it a stretch that after an argument with Amelia or even during the time she was away for work, he wanted to have his ego soothed by the other twin who felt affection for him and also looked like the girl he was seeing? MC would have no idea about his relationship and the two were already close so she’d always be none the wiser. Maybe going on tour was the way to alleviate his guilt for screwing up his relationship with Amelia AND his friendship with MC. And based on the sisters’ relationship, who’s to say whether Zeph confessed to Amelia first or whether MC gushed about her new “relationship” with her first love? At that point, Amelia would be dealing with the heartbreak and betrayal that came from Zeph, but can she really be mad at the sister she never opened up to? Maybe that’s why she never mentioned she joined Love Island to her sister because even if MC had no idea about any of it, there is still that sting of hurt and betrayal that MC unknowingly caused.

So she does her job traveling, living her life, and signing up for Love Island because it’s a way to forget about her heartbreak only to find her twin there too. Now Amelia’s intentionally bending over backwards to avoid anyone her twin might be interested in, but there’s that small part of her that wants the slightest bit of payback at her sister. That’s why she kissed MC’s partner on the cheek. Maybe as a bit of retribution for kissing Zeph, or maybe to prove to herself that she could push and do more to hurt her sister like she (again, unknowingly) did to her? But she doesn’t and calls it harmless fun because that’s all it has to be. Maybe Amelia is desperately trying to keep their relationship intact because someone nearly ruined it once, and she’s doesn’t want to nearly lose her sister again.

[ch00ch0train]

Love That I Yearn For.

Aroace Aether, Slight Angst.

I was bored and decided to make this, yes it's rushed as you can see and im too lazy to proofread it

As he sat on a fence, Aether observed. He always thought that the stars were so stunning that he could gaze at them indefinitely. Even still, they made him think of his previous existence despite their grace. When he himself was a star. He experienced a wave of nostalgia that he had long since forgotten. While standing next to him, Paimon's lips curled into a smile. The little fairy said, evidently interested, "What was it like becoming a star, Traveller?" Aether let out a faint chuckle. He said, "I wish I remembered." Paimon stares at him in pure curiosity, "Being a star must've been cool, do you miss being one now that you aren't one anymore?" He paused before responding. "I do." he answered.

Aether fixed his gaze on the stars. They were lovely, but so far away. What he'd give for a chance to go back in time, even if only for a second. Paimon noticed Aether's downcast expression. "Oh no, what's the matter?" As much as he missed his old life, life as a star never truly left him. As Aether gazed up at the night sky, he caught sight of himself. He was still brightly shining, like a star. He had moved on, but that didn't mean his light had gone out.

"It's nothing, Paimon; just nostalgia and curiosity."

Aether's voice cracked while tears formed oh so unexpectedly. They flashed into the corners of his eyes and down his cheeks. His body was a physical manifestation of his grief. He'd never cried in his life. He had last done so when he saw his own sister being taken away from him, and he had been overcome with grief. Despite this, he was aware that there was nothing he could do or change. Aether stood up after wiping his tears. Paimon quickly approached by his side, her tone filled with worry and concern. "Hey! Don't leave without me!" Paimon said, aether's face tired and his smile strained. It was obvious that he was forcing it. Even so, his smile was genuine.

"Come on, Paimon, there's still work to be done."

He descended down the stairs into Liyue's bustling district streets. People passed him as he passed them, each on their way to something they desired. Some walked to a store, others to a cafe, and still others simply to get home, but Aether walked for no reason at all. He walked aimlessly around, watching the couples around him laugh, hold hands, and kiss. Have their moments. He was always perplexed as to how people could be capable of romantic love. Even if he tried, he didn't know if he was capable of it. In all honesty, he'd be too preoccupied to fall in love.

The desire for romantic love remained with him, but he had no idea how it worked. He'd never felt that side of love before, having been a star for far too long. The world around him was similarly a disaster. All he ever wanted was to see his sibling again. He was completely focused on what he desired. There is nothing else. He was so determined to succeed that he forgot about romance entirely.

Love. The best sensation anyone could ever have. But love also brought betrayal, heartbreak, and misery. So how could the most wonderful thing in the world become pure agony? You go to great lengths for the person you love, but when they leave, you wonder if they truly loved you back. Did they ever genuinely care? Were they just taking advantage of you? When did it become so agonizing?

He wasn't warned about the terrible powers of love, which he desperately wanted to be absorbed by. He wished he could be consumed by it, but he couldn't. He craved that sensation so much. He desired to be loved and to be loved in return. He wanted to make someone happy while also making himself happy. But how come he couldn't? Was his conception of love incorrect? Why couldn't he love someone else? Nobody was there to love him, and no love ever returned. It was as if his love was a neverending quest for something.

Was he shattered? Not worthy enough? Or was it that someone truly loved him, but he was simply unaware because he never truly understood how love worked?

[whitegoldtower]

My whole concept of Melauriel’s vampire storyline is based on the song Ptolemaea by Ethel Cain

Many people forget that being a vampire is actually a curse, and I feel like there’s no better song to show the sheer betrayal felt by Melauriel - a Nord restoration mage raised by Auriel worshipping Altmer parents (he was brought up with adoration for the sun) - when one of his closest friends (Erik the Slayer) gets turned into a vampire during one of their little Hedge Knight quests by Movarth Piquine, and while he’s attempting to heal him, Erik turns on him.

The love he feels for his childhood best friend, not wanting to fight him or kill him, just letting it happen as he begs Erik to stop, getting weaker, feeling Auriel abandoning him with each trickle of blood from his throat

The final scream of ‘stop’ is just something so viscerally heartbreaking and blood-chilling

The drop in the music afterwards as that scream echoes out conjures up an image then, of Melauriel caked in blood, desperately attempting one last plea to Auriel, one last prayer. Where there was once an answer, now there is only silence.

Melauriel watches himself and his humanity breaking away in pieces, and each time a piece breaks off, he’s there gathering it up and trying to force it back into place, floundering when it no longer fits.

He loves Erik, but this complete violation of his trust and his soul makes him feel truly and utterly damned beyond repair. It wasn’t Erik’s fault, or Melauriel’s. The most despairing thing about it all is that there is nobody to blame, because the vampire who did it to begin with is dead, now, anyway.

All Erik can do is lay back to back with him each day and whisper his apologies, and all Melauriel can do is resent that they ever left Rorikstead.

The pain he feels walking in light that was once warm and comforting, setting foot in temples that once welcomed him, greeting people with hunger instead of kindness, never being able to eat and be satisfied… his entire existence is torture.

Even if he goes to Falion and both of them are cured of their vampirism, and he makes his peace with Auriel again, the trauma of what has happened to them is something neither of them will forget.

He won’t forget how in a fit of starvation they both took down an innocent woman and fought over her blood like savage rabid animals, all teeth and claws, with no shred of empathy until they sat there in the aftermath, contemplating what they had just done in absolute horror.

He won’t forget being hunted by the Dawnguard, trying to plead, trying to reason with them when all they want to do is kill him for the greater good. For someone who has only ever known love, he won’t forget the feeling of being hated. Terror has made him jaded, and he is no longer perfect.

“Please stop” has become one of the most used phrases in his vocabulary.

I have extremely strong feelings about this particular OC; there’s just something so fucking horrible about the fact that he was just so perfect, a child of Auriel, a young boy loved by everyone who ever met him, cherished by family and strangers alike, not a single violent bone in his body, someone who just wanted to help and heal others, and then he just gets utterly destroyed and corrupted by vampirism until all that’s left is this hollow shell of a man with only fragmented memories of what it was like to be innocent.

I can easily see him and Serana (this song also fits her, being a Daughter of Coldharbour) trauma-bonding. Him and all of the vampires trauma bonding over that one profound experience of losing humanity, all screaming in unison, holding one another like that one scene in Midsommar.

Perhaps, if the story goes that way and Melauriel truly loses it, he’ll stand with Serana and Erik and all the others under the blood-hallowed sun and smile with newfound faux righteousness as the world burns.

Blessed are the children of coldharbour.

“Each and every one come to know their god through some senseless act of violence.”

He’s made a flagellant of himself.

[wormcocoon]

I don’t really believe in true love anymore.

I guess that’s what heartbreak does.

A little betrayal, a little abandonment. Especially if the person who did it to you denied it.

Some things are just too late.

I’ve lost a little faith, a little hope, for humanity. For whatever goodness or better days that could come to me.

Sometimes, I am convinced, I am only here to write and feel, and bleed for people, and make them realize.

I wonder if somebody will ever love me truly. I don’t really care for perfection. Only somebody that wouldn’t hurt in the way that the other person did. I don’t ever want to be made feel by another like I’m not enough. It’s bad enough when I have that self-talk, it’s so much worse when it’s somebody who you gave half of your life and being too. Half of your soul and your heart, half of your bad and your good. Your pair as they would say. It’s so bad.

I’ve never felt so ripped apart and broken hearted as I did.

I don’t want to go through such true love anymore.

A part of me still wishes to be left alone. I have experienced what I can. I’ll find that love in another way, it’s a big world isn’t it. I won’t mind if it isn’t as true anymore. Maybe my heart will open up again. Maybe it won’t.

[n0v4r3d]

5/100

07.28.24

Day 5 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

What a difference a day can make. Yesterday I was at my wit’s end. Frantically Googling all the myriad ways to cope with extreme depression, anxiety, and some very disturbing thoughts regarding my place and purpose on this earth. I determined I was being punished for my years as an alcoholic in active addiction. For my mistakes and the heartbreaks and disappointments and betrayals. Pleading that I never meant for any of it, that my experience is so tame compared to others. And then I determined that I deserved it. I was cursed and damned and whatever word you want to apply to it, but I believed for a moment too long that I simply was one of the unlucky ones who never gets a happy ending. That the tastes of love and beauty and serenity I’d experienced were fleeting showcases of what I’d never have again.

I don’t know how I slept last night…

I’ve made it through worse. And I tried to tell myself that. But yesterday felt like the worst day ever. It definitely ranks as one of the worst of the past 17+ months, but in the thick of it I was convinced I was going to lose my mind and end myself. Not with a drink, but this time completely of my own volition. 

And then I woke up today, immediately worked out, took a bike ride, went to the grocery store, and… peace. I’m still frustrated by a lot of circumstantial things. I’m still in a cycle of heartbreak and longing. But I was able to - in the present - experience peace. And I sit here in the afternoon still feeling calm.

There is a lot that I should not be taking for granted. One major thing is the fact that, so far removed from my self-destruction, having experienced an emotional catalyst that once led me to drinking binges, I didn’t even contemplate it. If I didn’t have certain things in my day to day, I might even forget I’m an alcoholic. I’m not “cured.” That’s not what I’m saying here. My point is that my mind has been rewired enough, and I’ve experienced sober success enough, to now inherently know that a drink would solve zero problems and only make everything infinitely worse. And in my struggle, I don’t relent to the pain and give in and give up - instead, I fight it. I seek tools and insights and practices and beliefs to get myself away from it. And it works. Sometimes not right away, but after enough time for the emotion to dissipate, I can reclaim clarity of mind. 

And that might be the best I can do these next couple of months. But that’s OK. Because I know now these days are all in service to the bigger picture. And as alone as I may feel, I’m never truly alone.

“It seems impossible until it’s done” (or something like that).