#I’m making this sound worse than it is
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Me, about my cat that I have a co-dependent kinda parental style relationship with: “this is my emotional support animal” said as if I am not also his emotional support animal
#emma posts#if one of us is upset about something the other one is there#I can’t tell if I’m his bestie or his second mom#I think both???#I know he’s a cat and I do cat parent stuff like keeping him out of trouble#but emotionally the dynamic is mutual#especially when he has to spend a night away with my parents#I start to feel especially seperation lonely at night if I’m away#and he will apparently cry out looking for me at night if I’m away#is there co-dependence there? I can’t tell but it’s kinda a joke that we are each other’s supports#we can spend a few hours apart without being super upset though! and doesn’t everyone who lives with someone they’re really close to start#to be super lonely when separated at night?#I’m making this sound worse than it is#I’m bad at making this joke#it’s basically just being each other’s support animals#he supports me when I’m stressed and upset and all that#and I reassure and comfort him when something makes him upset#it’s actually kinda grounding helping him instead of just worrying. one of us has to be the support#part of the separation anxiety has to do with trauma. especially on my part#but I’d be in a way worse place without him#tbh possibly dead#gods this got dark again#why am I so bad a making this joke#i make everything sound worse#although there’s admittedly a lot of stuff that has been dark#we also adapted to communicating with each other#I’ve studied cat behavior and minds for years and he’s learned ways to communicate vocally or show me by leading me and gestures#cats have so much autism energy too#cats have autism energy and horses have anxiety#they also aren’t prone to super intense affection
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Ghost Chirps AU Part 5
Part 1 & 2
Part 3
Part 4
***
While “Jason” (i.e. Alfred with an empty jet that Jason will meet up with later in order to “arrive” in Amity) hops a private jet, Red Hood is busy searching the Fenton home from top to bottom.
The local police move slowly, and by the time they arrive Jack and Maddie Fenton are both tied up and disarmed in their living room under heavy guard.
They hadn’t been restrained immediately, Batman talking him into giving them a chance to implicate themselves first.
Hood let him take the lead, but he didn’t even get a chance to ask a question, being cut off at the first indication he might want to talk about their “work.” Less than 60 seconds in, and the pair had outright confessed to violating the meta protection acts - and in tedious detail.
The questioning didn’t suffer any from them being tied up.
Far from the mulish silence or crocodile-tear laden denial of most criminals, they instead doubled down, insisting that nothing they had done was illegal, then jumping to the assumption that they were “possessed” - and boy had it been a nasty surprise when the whole house came alive trying to attack them with a quick verbal command.
Well, trying to attack Hood. And only him, for some reason.
One laser also freed the Fentons, who turned out to have even more weapons built into their suits.
Somehow.
Despite them being skintight.
That had been a pain, but Red Robin was able to hack the system using one of the couples’ own devices while Hood dodged - and kept the stray fire away from the others - leaving everyone else to recapture the pair. A blessedly simple task once they found out the lasers would splash harmlessly off of their armor (save for a gross film of green goop left wherever they grazed).
They take turns knocking each unconscious to change them in order to properly disarm them - Batman and Nightwing taking Jack first, followed by Orphan and Spoiler dealing with Maddie.
The only non-weapon laden clothing they own turns out to be pajamas.
This is around when the police show up, looking hesitant.
They, too, cite the “Anti-Ecto Acts.”
Oracle had debriefed them on the supposed Acts and “Ghost Investigation Ward” on their short drive over. Both were utterly bogus - the Acts had never even been proposed, let alone been approved as law, and the so-called “GIW” had no ties to the government.
The Fentons had been furious and denied the information intensely when told, but the cops mostly just looked relieved.
Apparently there’d been a lot of property damage by the GIW and Fentons both that had supposedly been dismissed under the Acts as “necessary in the pursuit of ecto-scum.”
For the Fentons, half of this damage was in the form of broken fire hydrants, cracked sidewalks, and totaled cars - they’d never been good drivers, before, the cops disclosed, but they’d become even more negligent since the ghosts began appearing, to the point they had to have a news segment warning when they would be on the road.
The lack of fatalities thus far had been nothing short of a miracle, they claimed.
“Of course there haven’t been any fatalities!” Mrs Fenton defends. “Our work is to protect people from those things, not make more! Officers, listen to reason-” Hood snorts disdainfully -”The Red Hood is clearly a ghost! All our systems targeted him the moment they came online - and they only target ecto-entities. He’s clearly taken these heroes under his sway - why else would they be working with a murderer!? You have to do something before he starts up his killing here in Amity!”
The officers look at him a bit hesitantly, but Batman is unmoved and gives the cover story Hood had outlined back in the alley.
Any concerns the locals have are quickly assuaged.
But for the whole explanation, Jason is trying not to shake even as he falls apart in place.
Their little website called them ghost-hunters, making it pretty clear what “ecto-entities” meant.
Their system supposedly only targets ecto-entities.
The system had only targeted him.
The system only targets ghosts.
Jason had died.
A lot of his family members had died, too, granted.
But Jason was the only one who seemed to come back wrong - anger sticking in his throat and never quite fading, an inclination towards violence even when he wasn’t angry well beyond what he’d ever felt before, and a sea of other emotions (that he would never acknowledge aloud) and triggers for those emotions that he always struggled to make heads or tails of.
He doesn’t have the meta gene. He knows that. He knew that.
He just assumed that the test missed it, because he knows he doesn’t know magic - the All Blades being the only exception - and he couldn’t think of another explanation at the time.
But he came back wrong.
And as he stands there, he wonders if he came back at all, mind on Solomon Grundy.
Wonders if he isn’t just some ghost, wandering around possessing his own corpse.
He jolts, as the thought strikes him: what about Danny?
If he’s a ghost and chirping is a ghost thing then what about his KID!?
Absently, he notes that Bruce has started interrogating the cops on what they meant by “ghost attacks.”
He ignores the discussion, hustling for the door in the kitchen down to the lab.
He slams and locks the door behind him - in Red Robin’s face - as he descends, making a b-line for the computer he’d seen when the Fentons had dragged them all down there to start bragging about their crimes.
The only thing Oracle could get out of the whole building was things that were openly available online; direct connections were impossible.
Opening up the screen, he gets to cracking.
Going for the surface level files first, it turns out he doesn’t even need so much as a password to find what he wants.
One of the video game sub-files has an unrelated file in it: ghost notes.
There are plenty of other notes, of course, but he’d only been skimming to start, looking for anything hidden.
The Fenton parents were too open to bother, of course, with plenty of more obvious files strewn haphazardly across the home screen, but it’s always better to check. That there is a hidden file means it was likely made by either Danny or Jazz.
And it’s a treasure trove.
Sub-files for rogues, allies, conditional allies, and “halfas” were what greeted him.
The last being the only term he didn’t recognize, he clicked.
6 files: Clones, Danny, Dani, Dan, Vlad, and Red Hood.
He clicks his own file.
What greets him is a picture of himself 4 days ago, looking just to the left of the lens in an alley that he distinctly remembers searching for the kid in.
Just below is text.
~~~
??? Name: Red Hood
Species: probably a halfa
Status: Nnnneutral? I think? I know, I know, heads in bags. But Valerie tries to kill me all the time! And we’re allies sometimes! Hood- uh- looked for me? Okay I guess I can’t really judge this yet but please read the first met section before you judge please you guys?
First met: Aug 17, 2005, was in Gotham to bother Batman, stopped to think a bit on some fire escape - decide on the first prank yknow - but then my ghost sense went off. It felt like a halfa so I thought “oh cool, must be Dani” so I chirped, but then Red Hood - who was chasing some guy down an alley at the time - froze and looked around. I dropped visibility and chirped again and yeah, he definitely heard it. Humans can’t so he’s definitely a halfa - no glow so he can’t be a full ghost and it felt nothing like an overshadowing.
Ended up following Hood around the rest of week - forgot to prank Batman, damn - and playing hide-and-seek with the chirps. It was really funny. But he very obviously doesn’t know he’s a halfa. But the guy is, like, scary levels of smart, so I’m sure he’ll figure it out on his own now that the chirp thing made it clear that something is up. Hopefully.
I figure I can go back in winter break - he should have it figured out and let his emotions process enough by then to at least hear me out when I explain the AEA and GIW and everything, then it won’t matter so much if he can, like, track me by voice or something if I talk since we’ll have MAD by then.
Despite his reputation, the people living in his haunt seem to love the guy. I can see why. On top of the whole smart he’s actually really nice to people he’s not shooting in the knees (which only even happened one time in the week I was there? It was actually pretty relaxing - most quiet week I’ve had since the portal opened THANK YOU TUCKER for hacking the portal hatch to be inoperable for a week).
Where was I? Oh yeah, he’s actually surprisingly nice to people? So like, I think he’ll probably hear me out if I go back and be polite? I hope. Hate to leave the guy in the dark and him end up on the GIWs dissection table for “lots and lots of painful experiments.”
Not that those guys could even catch the Box Ghost. But uh, Hood doesn’t seem to have powers either? Or if he does he doesn’t know about them I don’t think - he only used the chirp the whole time I was their - not even to cheat with moving around.
Seriously. That guy's acrobatics could make Freakshow’s contortionist green - er, red??? - with envy. Actually wait, aren’t contortionists and acrobats different things?
SAM NOTE: help^?
Powers:
?
~~~
Jason leans back, breathing deeply.
“Not a full ghost,” “not 'overshadowed'” - a term that sounds likke some kind of cousin to possesision - “definitely a halfa,” “humans can’t hear chirps.”
Halfa.
Half.
Ghost.
Half Ghost.
It should sound absurd - you can’t be half alive and half dead.
But Jason has seen the Lazarus pits, has met Solomon Grundy, has met aliens and bullshit magic and can pull magical swords out of his own damn chest.
Half alive. Half dead.
Hopefully not just a fancy way to say possessing his own corpse.
He doesn’t have time to deal with every file - he’ll “confiscate” one of their USBs with a copy of everything for himself before leaving the rest to Batman & co, of course, minus the halfa files (a small part of him wants to shove his condition in Bruce’s face and demand he kill the clown again even though he knows it’s a futile hope, but the rest - the same part that snapped and denied and refused to say he was a meta less that a day ago now - cannot stomach the thought of even more rejection. Of a Bruce that believes he’s a monster. Of a Bruce that mourns him even while he’s right there. Or at least, more than he already does.) - but while the files copy he take the time to look at Danny’s.
The image has two people, Danny Fenton on one side and a version of the kid in a black hazmat suit with white hair, tanned skin, and painfully familiar green eyes. And floating.
~~~
Human Name: Danny Fenton
Ghost Name: Danny Phantom
Species: Halfa (half-human, half ghost)
~~~
It’s the section after that that makes Jason’s breath catch in his throat.
~~~
Death: The Portal Accident
So like, there was no audio (thank GOD I do not want to hear myself screaming) so. Details: When the portal didn’t work when they plugged it in mom and dad left for fudge, Jazz went to try and talk them into a more realistic career choice than ghosts. Sam and Tucker came over and Sam dared me to climb in and check it out - it was broken anyway so no harm. Except it wasn’t broken, just that my parents put the on button inside. Which I caught myself on when I tripped on a wire.
Anyway, electrocution!
(T - Danny for the love of god be more serious, the cheerful tone is creepy)
(D - Hey! I’m the one who died! Shouldn’t I at least get to write my own epitaph)
(S - …Danny this is not an epitaph. You don’t even HAVE a grave)
(D - wow way to rub it in Sam)
(T - yeah Sam)
(S - ugh! Whatever, just stop with the chatting in official files)
(T - “official”)
(S - Tucker.)
(T - shutting up now)
Electrocution! I got zapped to death, but the ectoplasm from the portal was also opening up on top of me and a lot got bonded to me I guess (S - probably because of the electricity with how you ended up with some of Vortex' powers for a little while) at the same time said electricity was reviving me? - probably getting my heart beating again or something, I was a little busy screaming to pay attention (T - yeah okay we're going to Nasty Burger after this. And playing Doomed) - not that it would’ve mattered without the ghostification preventing me from melting me all the way to death.
Status: Me!
Powers:
Chirps! (ghost echolocation of some kind! humans can't hear em - halfas can, of course, in either form)
Form Change (really Sam? This barely counts)
Human form
Ghost form (no need to breathe)
Flight (last clock speed 210mph) (T - and climbing. Dang dude)
Invisibility (S - don’t forget shareable.) (Shareable. sigh)
Intangibility (Shareable)
Ecto Rays (eyes & hands) (T - and butt) (D - dude! I’m deleting that. Tucker why can't I delete it. TUCKER) (T - bow down in awe of my ksill) (S - ksill) (D - ksill) (T - yeah okay it’s permanent now) (D - aw man!)
Ghost Sense (S - why do we never test your range?) (D - no need? They always make themselves obvious or are being sneaky specifically to annoy me so *shrug*) (S - I still think we should test it)
Power Absorption (that time with Vortex’s weather powers)
Cryokinesis (Wayyyyy to much ice. NOT testing max output on that) (T - yeah frozen city was enough, let’s not cause an ice age. Tech needs some cool but too much is still bad and I just upgraded Patricia)
Ghostly Wail (cone of destruction, very exhausting - always at max output. Not to be used)
GHOST FORM ONLY (but really just never)
Cartoon Body (D - what???) (S - Freakshow literally turned you into a puddle and you just turned back and were fine. I don’t know what else to call that) (D - okay fair. but:)
GHOST FORM ONLY
Physical Enhancement (better strength, speed, stamina, durability, reflexes, balance, etc much better than human) (T - why does this look like dnd knockoff stats haha)
GHOST FORM ONLY (S - obviously mr last place in PE)
Resistances (pretty solid on the overshadowing, avoided being taken in by Ember until targeted, didn’t get turned to stone during the Medusa thing) (S - which was pure luck! Be careful!)
Ecto Electricity (ghost stinger, but I really don’t think this counts Sam. I mean I just. Make my ecto zappy. But it’s still just ecto) (S - so is your ICE and you don’t just call that "just cold ecto") (D - fine, but it feels overly specific) (S - maybe writing it all down will make you stop. Forgetting. POWERS!) (D - come on Sam that was a lucky hit! I was distracted! And it turned out fine!) (S - Fenton…) (D - oop okay doing fire now)
Ecto Fire (made Dash’s shoes melty that one time by make the ecto hot) (T - really needs more testing)
Tech possession (chasing Technus into computers, not very tested)
Ghost form only, i guess?
Overshadowing (control people, copy their voice, invade dreams - the control one erases the person’s memory so they don’t know they were overshadowed just lost time. I hate Walker. SO much) (T - rip Danny’s reputation, you’ll be missed)
Probably ghost form only
Duplication (T - That’s optimistic) (D - I’M WORKING ON IT OKAY!?) (S - pretty sure it just falls under cartoon body until you can actually separate) (D - :( betrayal)
Probably ghost form only
More? (D - ugh I hope not) (T - hey don’t say that, maybe you’ll get a power to make the JL give a crap about Amity) (D - honestly I’m getting pretty close to letting Boxy loose in Gotham) (S - Danny, don’t stoop to their level!) (D - it's only box ghost!) (T - I mean he has a point)
~~~
Jason changes his mind, seeing the commentary, and deletes the entire hidden file from the computer as soon as his copy is made. He can go over everything and bring any important info to Bruce separately, the bat’s can just chew on the parents’ files for now.
Once the original files are thoroughly and irretrievably removed he pockets his shiny new USB, makes a second one with all the official files, and heads back up and out - carelessly brushing past a thoroughly irate Red Robin with a pair of firemen and broken jaws of life. And not a scratch on the door; impressive - just in time to get Oracle’s text that he’s got 2 hours and 16 minutes to be at the location on his HUD so he can “arrive” to Amity.
And a fresh set of civilian clothes will be waiting in the plane, Alfred as reliable as ever.
“Files,” he says, tossing the safe USB to Batman and interrupting his interrogation of the police officer.
He catches it effortlessly of course, but the officer stops paying attention to him to jolt at Hood’s reappearance - even outside of Gotham his reputation is fierce.
“I sent a copy to myself. I’ll review them and give you an overview, but other than that consider this the end of my involvement in this little shitshow,” he says, continuing smoothly to the door. “I’m heading back to Gotham.”
Now, he has a little over two hours before Jason Todd needs to arrive in Amity Park. He only needs to lay hands on a laptop that he can isolate from Babs’ influence and he should be able to review the Halfa files in full before he "lands" - after he figures out just why the kid has a grudge against the JL.
#The defenses only attacked jason because the others are liminal#But not quite liminal enough for the Fenton House to pick up on#He’s the only one who died and had it really *stick* thus why he’s the only halfa#Sure the others died but they were all revived fully#Death left a stain#Not a chain#Jason has one foot in the grave#The others bat’s just have some graveyard dirt smudged on their pants cuffs#I can keep going with the metaphors#lol#Anyway#Their contamination is. Like. not worse than the average person living on the opposite side of the city as the Fentons#(which is a lot compared to everyone else in the whole world#but not much in terms of “will the house shoot me”#Fenton ghost detecting devices aren’t that precise yet)#The “files” aren’t super professional because like. They’re 14.#It’s organized sure but it’s not gonna be scientific paper levels (& they’d feel uncomfy making it too scientific sounding)#There’s powers missing on purpose (not thinking of thing as a power. All 3 forgot about it. Etc)#So why did the JL ignore Amity you ask?#Info blackout#One does not simply ignore the Meta Protection Acts and pretend to be a gov’t agency without taking precautions#Everything out of Amity Park is sanitized as hell. (ha#and doesn’t that just fit the GIW clean-obsession)#“But Mutable!” I hear you cry “What about Undergrowth & Vortex!”#I don’t remember Undergrowth’s radius of effect but I’m saying my AU he was Amity-only and the GIW set up a blockade to intimidate witnesse#Same deal with Pariah town-knapping the place (GIW base was JUST out of the town-knapping radius. Lucky them)#As for Vortex#the storms themselves made it impossible to track anything through normal means#(ie no cams caught Sam & Tucker’s jet taunting Vortex except some people with cells on the street. But wind killed all the audio)#So as far as the world is concerned there was a freak storm and it went away
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Reading MW takes on Twitter is like reading a summary of the Bible from someone who only watched like a Family Guy family special about it
#did we play the same game? did we see the same themes yes themes as in plural#like my god get off ur fucking high horses or stop trying to make a unique theory just to be unique#like if it clearly doesn’t fit the plot it causes unnecessary arguments#people are weird and weirdly obsessed with making like the issues in the game solely interpersonal when it is clearly very institutional#with everything we learn about PE and how hard they make it to seek justice or safety#and ur treating it like the average person is a horrible troll monster#when the game really tries to show you how humans people become bad or can be enabled to do their worse through many different ways#but go ahead make it seem like all the men are like willingly Jimmy’s goon squad of predator enablers pls pls pls just look from another#view point I’m begging yall sometimes it’s good to leave those echo chambers#like taking parts of conversations out of context to make characters look better or worse is literally a tactic Jimmy uses ur using Jimmy#tactics to prove ur point dummy head#side tag tangent I am also very annoyed with how many people really do think Curly could’ve just had changes made to the ship during the#travel like a big point is that they barely had resources to just survive regularly#other than random scrap and wires for serious repairs they def didn’t just have locks laying about nor are the doors outside of medical and#the cockpit are suited to install locks like the whole point of the illusion of choice#is that at the end the options presented were never gonna be viable whether it was because of the time needed to execute them the standards#they were under or their lack of resources all mainly caused by PE no matter how much Curly#wanted to do something there’s very little he could’ve#even the ideas posed we have would have only happened after the assault and done little to actually stop the crash when you think about it#and it’s sad and sounds weird but that’s the case#mouthwashing
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I’ve only recently got into the bridgerton fandom side of things but making an entire blog about how much you hate one ship/character is actually kinda crazy and obsessive 😭 if you don’t care about them or don’t even like the show bc of them why keep entertaining it and talking about it… maybe unclench and log off for a bit idk
#bridgerton#like idk if I don’t like smth I’m not gonna make my entire personality online about how much I hate them#aren’t y’all exhausted or what#maybe take a break from being online and go outside and realize… it’s all fiction and not reality#you don’t have to entertain it if you truly don’t care or don’t want to no one is holding a gun to your head man 😭#this goes for any bridgerton ship tbh bc some of y’all sound insane#also… media literacy ain’t there anymore#y’all think every character has to be 100% good with no faults or very few faults in order to like them#but all characters in bridgerton have their faults and morally grey areas#and some are worse than others#but it’s all fiction at the end of the day#polin#saphne#kanthony
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my sister is an actual singer like she’s taken classes and whatnot and I’m surprised every time when I come over to her and am like hey how. do I make my voice not sound like it’s coming out a tube when I belt higher. and she’s like Visualise Your Waist and it works
#kipspeak#witchcraft? imagining the sound coming from your guts makes your throat not hurt. Or hurt way less#anyways I’m still… a little too much of an alto to nail the highest notes in give it all#but I can TRY#let me do the chorus an octave lower it’ll sound um worse but I don’t sound like I’m straining slightly. bc I am. HDJFBKS#i also think it’s really funny that my habit of doing funny voices makes me a PRETTY DECENT honey b lovely singing voice impersonator#it’s a cutesy vtuber voice. I can do that#beetuber#IM N- hold on clarification. I can’t power ballad that high. The actual highest my range goes is that sharlayan part in footfalls#but she’s singing with her head voice. and not about to turn super saiyan#my sister also says if I’m gonna do that more than a few times I need to warm up. I believe her it’s not hard to scratch up your throat
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Istg there’s actually something so surreally heartbreaking about remembering a friend you lost. Like. I don’t even know how to express it in anything but questions: do you miss me? why don’t we talk anymore? how could you do that to me? couldn’t you see I needed you? do you remember how it felt to love me? It’s never a good enough reason, always a stupid fucking thing to lose a friend over, but I don’t think there’s anything worse than knowing you can’t have that back.
#Idk guys#i guess I’m sad today?#I just can’t fathom the fact that I can’t just#Be eleven again and make everything work out#And IK it sounds so dramatic#But that’s got to be worse than a breakup?#Right?#because you know a high school girlfriend won’t be there forever#But a friend could’ve been?#And then idk#it just kinda hits you#That you really can’t have that back#And now it’s just#Avoiding eye contact#And remembering someone hates you#When you never thought they would#FUCKKK sorry for the depression#I’ll probably delete this later lmao
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sigh . i hate the writer curse of feeling like your writing has decreased quality-wise because you can never know for sure if it’s an actual observation your brain is making or if it’s just the Voices
#oughhhh …. throws up blood……..#i don’t usually get that insecure over my writing but recently i’ve just been. i dunno :’)#i’m not dissatisfied with my writing exactly i just get the feeling that my recent fics Lack something#….#i could also just be overthinking the reception i get which i 💀 tend to do.#it’s an awful feeling either way though#maybe it’s because i’ve been writing sm pure fluff instead of like . something longer and more dense…..#i don’t mean 2 complain or make it sound worse than it is but it’s . been getting to me lately is all!!!!!!#i really do think merguru could save me. i need to put my all into a fic i really really care about..#ari noises ✩
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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currently feeling like I’m caught in the middle of a three-way battle between my finals season workload, my personal expectations for myself and desire to make art that I’m genuinely proud of, and the physical limitations of my body which is still in spoon debt from being sick for like three weeks and then spending spring break doing makeup work. I’ve been feeling like this a lot in the last several weeks and every time I’ve managed to find a burst of energy or the willingness to cut some corners and rest or some other way to compromise, but god i am so ready to stop having to deal with all of this at once
#1 more week of classes#then about 1.5 more weeks of finals and stuff including a big milestone presentation thing#pls send spoons if you have any to spare I have been digging thru all of my silverware drawers for the past month#stars rambles#vent#this probably makes the situation sound worse than it is. I am doing ok. I am keeping on top of things#I’m doing fine in all my classes and I’m getting a lot more sleep than most of my classmates are rn#but it’s taking an ungodly amount of effort to hang on to that and I’m tired#I also have a migraine currently which is probably where the current bout of exhaustion and frustration is coming from
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the IT guy’s face when he opened the event log this morning after I reported my EMR program crashing repeatedly on login
#i’ve been on the phone with him for half an hour#and some of the sounds he’s making as he tries to figure this out#are so distressed#I’m making his Friday a nightmare#because I am cursed#to rain destruction down on every medical records program I touch#jury’s still out on whether this is worse than the great med access clinic deletion of ‘21#I need to send this guy a fruit basket later#as a treat
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not to sound like a redditor again but holy fuck it’s actually so annoying to be smarter than most people and it creates actual problems in my life. I have to be so careful about anything I say because even if it’s correct, people my level and above me will feel like I am making them look bad or challenging their authority so every fucking thing I say has to be this careful construction of explaining the same thing over and over again until I can finally lead them to the right answer so they don’t feel like I’m smarter than them.
#like I gave some VERY basic background on how APIs work to make my answer of ‘since the SME isn’t here you really need to talk to the#developer’ make sense#and 5 very very frustrating ‘well can they just do this?’ ‘yeah if they can target that endpoint’ ‘well can they target that end point?’#‘I don’t know and it’s not documented so you’ll have to ask [developer]’ ‘oh okay but what about this?’#and then repeat that 5 times but each time the field suggestion is different#but she’s technically my boss so I can’t even say ‘this is why I said you’d need to ask [developer] I do not have the answer you need’ bc#bc the last time I did that I got yelled at.#it’s even worse with my male superiors and like#I don’t know if I’m actually just smarter than everyone or if I’m just like super autistic or something????#it’s such a stupid thing to complain about too and it sounds so arrogant and self centered#but also like. that is my experience…#but also I can’t imagine that I’m actually meaningfully smarter than 3/4 of the people I meet????????#like am I just unlucky?????
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i heard you are totally normal about the characters you love.
care to share why 👀
This… this sounds like i’m being questioned for saying i’m normal….
BUT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!!!!
✨AUTISM (possibly)✨
#I had no idea how to answer this question so it lurked in the back of my head all day.#like#do you want to hear me rant about how since i’ve started rewatching lmk i’ve noticed the thematics of blue surrounding mk#which should supposedly be his color counter part as colors seem to have a strong importance in lmk#or how Macaque’s character is so stupid because most of the conflict surrounding his character could have been avoided#had he just left wukong alone????#or the fact that wukong has a shame temple which sounds much worse than what it probably is. but is located in the actual city limits??#or how redson is just REDSON??? and although she’s so silly her character IS SUPER TRAGIC. i mean#they’re gifted with insane talent from such a young age that they cannot control it#their own parents fear him.#Their dad taken from them at a young age and they have a mother who looks at him and seems to wish he was different#and all he ever does is try to make it up to them for what he couldn’t control#and once the power is actually back into the world. it’s given to his literal RIVIAL????#I’m proud of her for not taking it personal tho.#anyways#does that answer your question???#lego monkie kid#lmk#speck rambles#🐊?
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work crush and i continue to have. shenanigans
#he called me moist#and when i explained to our manager why he said that he said#yeah sure that’s why#and i said.why would you imply that i’m lying??? about those#why would you make it sound worse than it is???#anyways the context is my hands were wet
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I feel like I came out of the womb with raging anxiety
#never been fully relaxed a day in my life#literally had a panic attack at age 6-7(?)#I’ve been super self aware for as long as I can remember#the tension in my body is my natural state#I’ve BEEN imagining every worst case scenario since I could form thoughts#7th-8ish grade is where it got worse#had panic attacks like four times a week#and then heart palpitations started and holy shit I was googling symtoms and that would make it worse#was convinced I would get a heart attack#having a headache is part of my daily routine#then I got a crush on a guy and with it came body dysmorphia#couldn’t look people in the eye from how ugly I felt(still struggle with this one but we got this💪🏼💪🏼)#now I mostly just cry#like I deadass get stressed and overwhelmed and just cry#depression came next and I was honestly not surprised#and it tampered my anxiety a bit but I’d honestly rather feel stressed than feel so numb#yeah I wouldn’t recommend#so basically I lie awake feeling aware of my own heartbeat or of my body#oh and I can’t forget the physical pain that anxiety caused me#muscle aches literally convinced me there was something wrong with me#went to the doctor numerous times bc I NEEDED to be diagnosed with something or I would go crazy and instead got told to see a therapist#and the therapist basically told me everything I had already figured out myself but at least I can talk to someone#tw anxiety#tw depression#tw body dysmorphia#anxiety#mentions of depression#and I’m only a teenager so should I be worried about what happens in the next few years? bc this already sounds like a lot to me#this was supposed to be a funny little post but nvm I guess?? don’t worry about me I’m good though many good things in my life#teenager
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i haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over a month and it’s slowly driving me insane 😀
#i’ve always been a night owl w horrible insomnia but it’s been even worse than usual lately#why am i not tired until 5 or 6 in the morning! i’m exhausted but never sleepy!#i get sleepy and want to take a nap at fucking 7 pm and then i’m wide awake again#this cycle is fucking maddening#i have to sleep with a sleep mask on + noise box playing rain sounds + fan on + listening to asmr + have taken two melatonin AND YET#have you ever been so exhausted that you cry out of frustration but even that doesn’t help you sleep.#anyway i’m done complaining i just want to pass out for two days bc life has been so rough and this just makes it worse !!!!!!#tried to start the new year right but the universe had other plans 🙏#ok i’m deleting this later i’m just yelling into a void for some relief
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Yoko ono is the literal personification of “God forbid women do anything”
#Yoko ono#Like yeah sure her music really isn’t for people who are just looking for entertainment and don’t really want to be challenged#I’m not the BIGGEST fan of it myself#But I’m sick of people just dismissing her when they clearly haven’t actually listened to any of her songs#Like she isn’t a fantastic vocalist but she’s no worse than Dylan or any of the popular punk singers of the era.#People just want women to sound pretty all the time and I’m sick of it#I can respect someone who stays true to their artistic vision without regard for mainstream success!!!#Even if they’re not my cup of tea#also yes she actually sings!!! She does not just make those dolphin noises everyone makes fun of
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