#I’m literally graduating this year
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This feels kinda mean to say but I am so so so sooo glad my high school isn’t going to be inviting the middle school to our pride dance
#like I’d love for younger queer kids to have a safe space and all#but like#I’m literally graduating this year#I don’t want to be tripping over 12 year olds while I’m trying to enjoy one of the last high school dances I’ll go to#lol just realizing I sound like one of those 18 year olds that put minors dni in their bio#j.txt
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one of my favorite things about getting older is that I’m just more sure and more confident in taking control in social situations and making other people feel at ease. I really love it!
#have always wanted to be good at it but it takes time#at least for me#my mom was describing one of her college friends to me the other day#and she goes ‘yeah she was kind of like you. personable and direct and kind.#‘and she was always going to deal with you (positive) instead of ignoring you’#honestly compliment of all time! because it does not come totally naturally to me#and there’s a lot that gets in my way—shyness anxiety a certain stiffness#but I love when i can feel it sort of giving way#anyway just rambling#also once again teaching has helped with this so much#because kids HAVE to be guided through a social situation. they don’t know what to do#and if I let them run it it’s always stupid#so just taking control asking the questions kind of —situating them so we can have a moment and then I can dismiss them#not that I do the same with adults lol. but works more often than you think#just having some direction and taking charge of a social interaction#I remember this comedian once saying he loved when someone took control in a social situation re: greetings/handshakes/hugs#like ‘oh thank goodness someone is figuring this out’ it’s so true and so funny skskdkdjd#I hope there is nothing peremptory about it! but I often find I’m so much ruder by doing nothing#than by being proactively kind and (hopefully) appropriate to the occasion#you know I’ve spoken on it before but my life really changed#when I made myself go back and say goodbye to my students after graduation my second year teaching#like. I literally ran away because I was so shy and it felt so awkward and no one was taking charge of how to do it#and the students wouldn’t (can’t) so it felt like they didn’t want to#and then I realized no—if someone is going to take the lead here it has to be me#and then I did! and there was in fact so much love waiting for me#people just don’t know how to show it#so you have to give them an opportunity#this is so many thoughts but I feel this sooooo much and I care about it so much
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Mazey Phaedra I love you queen I am IMPLORING you to stop this thing you have with Fabian he does not want you. and you are so so wonderful PLEASE DROP HIM. like actually wdym you tried to flirt/hangout with him at a house party and he actively chose to keep flirting with another girl who was being a dick to you, you try to kiss him at his house and he JUMPS away from you, you confess you have a crush on him in December and it takes him until MAY to even ask you on a date (which he did because his friends told him to) and he’s having a weird fling thing with a clone of one of his best friends. HE LITERALLY DOES NOT WANT YOU GIRL YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER PLEASE MAZEY.
#/lh#YOURE A SENIOR#YOURE LITERALLY GRADUATING AND GOING TO COLLEGE#I love him too but please girl you deserve more#maybe I’m biased because I hc him as gay but he has more chemistry with Kristen 2 I fear#MAZEY SAVE YOURSELF#fabian aramais seacaster#mazey phaedra#fantasy high junior year spoilers#fhjy spoilers#fhjy#fazey#no hate towards fazey shippers#I’m just rambling#speaking my truth
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Hello variously irresponsible fellow losers someone please give me the mental permission to spend money on things I want because I can afford it, it makes me happy, and I’ve earned all of the money for it. Just external validation because I Earned The Fun Thing. Please.
#chaoticbuggybitchboy#I earned the money with my big kid job and it’s to spend money on fun things for bands that I like#and there’s this stupid little voice in my head saying that I need to save my money because I don’t have very much#and sure yeah I shouldn’t be spending this much a week bc this is literally how much I make a week almost#<- it’s 1 day of work and I work three days per 2 weeks#so its 1/3 of my paycheck#which is not very much#I make like 150 dollars more or less I’m making minimum wage here#but yeah anyways I can afford a 50$ purchase of little treats once a year#esp since I’ll be able to get a job when I graduate and I’ll work the whole school year too#I don’t need to sit in the corner rocking over this#but uh yeah here I am
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starting my last semester of college tomorrow. what the fuck
#i have to take summer classes but we ignore that#i literally graduate this year#I SWEAR I’M JUST A LITTLE GIRL :((
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i’m literally going to art school in september i should stfu and actually post my art and walk the walk like sure i’m terrified to shit about ai for some reason but at least tumblr has a option to turn it off (even if it was dubiously placed and opts you in by default which is fucked)
me when i’m scared all of the time about everything for no reason
#idk i made an art blog in like 2018 and never used it and i still have it cause idk if that side blog deletion bug is real or if it still#exists but i’ve never once deleted a side blog#my post#like part of it is really bad impostor syndrome but i literally got accepted into art school so clearly i don’t suck??? so my brain is dumb?#and idk i have a lot of suckening jrwi doodles and shit#idk ever since i graduated school i’ve been the only one looking at my art#and if i want the future illustration degree to actually be useful i need more then just me looking at it#even if that is scary and the world is scary and society is scary and i’m just a little guy :|#i also need to do more then just sketching so maybe this would help idk#PFFT I USED THE ART BLOG THREE TIMES 7 YEARS AGO AND THEN DISAPPEARED#THAT FULLY CHECKS OUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME#i also doodled fan art for an sbi fic years ago and every time i looked at it i felt bad for not posting it for the author to see cause#i know how much that stuff means to people#so idk maybe 2-3 years too late isn’t too too late
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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fuck.
#rant#rant in tags#well.#i might have to drop out of college#literally TWO TERMS before graduating#theres no way i can pass two of my classes#and i’ve run out of time#i had the first panic attack i’ve had in years#i’m gonna lose my shit#it feels like everything is falling apart#and it’s all my own goddamn fault#cartwheeling
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Sometimes I can’t tell when my fears are just intrusive thoughts made worse by anxiety and overthinking versus reality
#I need election season to be over#but I’m scared of the outcome#especially because of where I live#like. idk.#I stg it’s probably an overactive imagination coupled with severe anxiety inventing doomerism situations#but I’m scared of the outcome either way#I’m scared of revolt I’m scared of four years under trump I’m scared of our government turning away from democracy#im scared of the overconfidence that bigots seem to have about a Trump win and what they’ll do about it#I need to get out of this fucking state#I’m literally being dramatic#I know I promise I’m not like delusional with fear#but I still have this urge to make a backup plan to get out of dodge y’know#just hoping to graduate and get the hell out of Oklahoma#nobody perceive me#just speaking some thoughts out loud#processing or whatever
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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going into highschool and realizing every piece of media is lying about highschool ages
#most juniors i know are 15. my entire friend group is 16 year old seniors#i’ve met maybe 2 people who’ll graduate at 18 and even then their bdays are like. literally right before summer#or maybe that’s because we don’t get held back anymore Whatever#meblogging#also another highschool thought: you should be allowed to hit people who walk in the middle of the parking lot with ur car#also insane. i made this account freshman year and i’m still only talking about lin lie#i’m gonna graduate and still be talking about this guy. and i used to draw him in my spanish 1 class man what the hell
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#gifted kid burnout is so brutal and I don’t think enough people talk about it#knowing if life would have turned out differently I could have been great#I wasn’t a prodigy by any means#and I don’t mean to sound conceited or anything#but I was pretty talented#when I was in high school - think junior year? I was in a college age opera and I was the only one who wasn’t in college in the whole thing#I was so excited to be an adult and for my dreams to become reality#and then life actually happens#and you’re already burnt out#and now I’m looking at all these younger people that are talented and I just feel envy bubbling up inside me#I wish so so so badly that was me#just graduating high school#with so much freedom ahead of me#but then I literally blinked my eyes and now I’m 25#no clue what the fuck to do with my life#working with a bunch of young girls doesn’t help either tbh#I remember when I was the baby in most situations and now I’m older than most of them#and I’m just :(((#idk idk idk I’m just being dumb right now#wish I could go back in time#redo everything#shut up rosie
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#yesterday i texted my crush from uni on his birthday and i felt nothing when he answered me honestly I didn’t even bother when he replied#i’m so proud of myself#i had a crush on him from year 1 until like 1.5-2 years ago and I literally graduated 4 years ago#so happy#.❀⋆.ೃ࿔*ilu talks.❀⋆.ೃ࿔*
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i feel like i’m wasting my time on schoolwork that i ultimately don’t care about when i could be taking pictures of bugs and drawing yaoi and discussing what kind of lingerie light yagami would like based on his sense of fashion and personality
#like idgaf abt any of this shit rn. i was academia brained for like 16 years give me a fucking break#ik i’m planning to start my masters right after i graduate but honestly i need a break i want to yaoi for some time#unforch that cannot happen bc i am on an invisible timer that says if i don’t speedrun everything in life i will die which i have always#felt since i was young#this could be the result of untreated anxiety tbh but who cares#anyway i went outside to see the fireflies and i was like i’m going to cry i never get to go outside bc i’m busy w school and if i do#go outside to have fun i know i’ll be more stressed bc now i have less time to do school idk man. it’s making me sick i’m so stressed#w school and home and my family and needing to do things and not being built for living under capitalism and shit and it sucks#and i just want to take pictures and talk abt things i like and not have to worry abt shit but life sucks so whatever#i just feel like i’m wasting time doing things i don’t care abt when i could be doing literally anything else#like i already spent so so many fucking years of my life depressed or socially isolated and it fucked me up and is still fucking me up#like i haven’t talked to anyone outside of my immediate family in months and my ocd makes life so hard and my family makes it harder#and i feel like i’m just stuck here and will never be truly happy and that i’ve wasted so much of my life being miserable and that i’m#running out of time and spending it all doing shit i don’t even care about and for what reason#idk. i’m tired so i’m probs not making sense but i’m just. not happy with how my life is and idk if i will be for a long time or if i’ll#ever make it far enough to be happy u know
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siiigh . . .
#༒ milena zip#cw vent#mooties . . . i’m verie sorrie you’re gonna see dis . ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა huhu . .#i’m so tired . . . huhu#૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა i’m gonna sob. i hate dis so much ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა#i hate how one of my friends unfollowed me :<#like she was saying how i’m too negative ? ? when she literally talked crap about my two other friends . . .#how are you going to say that but also do the same . . . it’s so . . sad :<#this is so tiring . . . i’m gettin’ so fed up w/ all of dis . .#‘m tryin’ so hard to distract myself w/ my interests . . . and going on tumblr more#but it hurts so bad knowing she chose someone i despised for years instead of me :<#i even told her some of my concerns and feelings . . . it didn’t mean anything to her#this is why i prefer making friends online. sniffsniff#<< ‘s less stressful & i can handle being hurt . . but irl ? ? i can’t.#i should’ve known that makin’ friends and keepin’ friendships is as hard as anything else . . .#i’m just glad i graduated . . & i don’t have to see her but it stills hurts a lot to see her become so cold . . . ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა#sigh. oh well . . sniffsniff ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა#she wasted an entire friendship all because of somethin’ SHE was doin’ . . . she confuses me. ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა
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Watched like 30 seconds of that Benedictine commencement speech and wanted to vomit
#I would’ve started booing#can’t believe he really admitted that he’s only successful because his wife is doing all the domestic labor#yeah we fucking KNOW#dear lord I could not tolerate marrying a Catholic man who wants me to stay at home so that HE can be successful#I’m sorry but I’ve literally been stewing in anger about men like this for over a year now#and he said it at these girls college graduation when they should feel proud of their work and excited for their future!!#I can’t I literally can’t#rant#enjoy my thoughts
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