#no clue what the fuck to do with my life
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#gifted kid burnout is so brutal and I don’t think enough people talk about it#knowing if life would have turned out differently I could have been great#I wasn’t a prodigy by any means#and I don’t mean to sound conceited or anything#but I was pretty talented#when I was in high school - think junior year? I was in a college age opera and I was the only one who wasn’t in college in the whole thing#I was so excited to be an adult and for my dreams to become reality#and then life actually happens#and you’re already burnt out#and now I’m looking at all these younger people that are talented and I just feel envy bubbling up inside me#I wish so so so badly that was me#just graduating high school#with so much freedom ahead of me#but then I literally blinked my eyes and now I’m 25#no clue what the fuck to do with my life#working with a bunch of young girls doesn’t help either tbh#I remember when I was the baby in most situations and now I’m older than most of them#and I’m just :(((#idk idk idk I’m just being dumb right now#wish I could go back in time#redo everything#shut up rosie
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DP x DC Prompt
…
There are no more heroes.
Well, okay. Rewind a bit.
Danny has been doing the hero thing for a while now. He’s had a big reveal; everyone has accepted him (including his parents), the GIW disbanded, the Anti-Ecto acts repealed, and generally, everything is going great. Some of the A-Listers are even training as junior ghost hunters to help give him a break from his rogues! (Being Ghost King makes things hectic sometimes, and he just needs the extra help. Sue him!)
The point is, literally nothing is wrong with Danny Phantom’s afterlife.
And then Valerie Gray, the Red Huntress, disappears in front of his eyes.
Danny is baffled! She’s just…gone! Valerie just popped out of existence, like she was never there. But no matter how hard he searches in the Ghost Zone, he can’t find her soul anywhere. His core isn't broken in grief. So she’s not dead. Which is good. So then, where is she?
Some of the others come forward with ideas on how to find her. A few ghosts volunteer to go out into the mortal realm, an area Danny had declared off-limits, to see if she was out there. Danny approves it. He rounds up some of the friendlier (i.e., discreet) ghosts and Amity Parkers and demolishes the outside travel ban.
So everyone spreads out, looking for their dear frenemy and teammate. But it becomes apparent very quickly that something is wrong with the rest of the world.
There are no more heroes.
Every single living superhero on the face of the Earth has just…vanished. Villains are running amok; the countries are in chaos! Some aliens are invading Earth, mythical deities are trying to take over, and society is crumbling to the ground. Everything is on the brink of collapse.
Well, Danny was still there. And so were his people. They were pretty spread out, so could they just…take up the mantles? He also knew where to find the souls of dead heroes in the Zone; surely they wouldn't mind coming out of retirement for a little bit, especially if they couldn't die again. Oh! And that skeleton army leftover from Pariah Dark's reign might be useful in repelling those invading forces.
Honestly, there were more than enough hands to go around! And with the heroes gone, Danny didn't mind letting everyone out for a little break, as long as they followed his rules. They wouldn't stop the search for the other heroes, but hopefully, when they found them, the heroes wouldn't mind Danny's intervention too much. :)
In other words:
Someone fucks up, and all of Earth's living heroes are either wished out of existence or are whisked away to some far-off realm where Danny hasn't checked yet. In the attempt to figure out what's going on, Danny lets the dead run amok over the Earth as they search for clues. The skeleton army repels the invading armies, the souls of dead heroes deal with the world leaders, and his rogues and other Amity Parkers set up shop in place of famous heroes, trying to get the cities under control again.
Basically, they just do their best to keep everything from imploding until the Justice League and others are back.
(And why is it that Danny hasn't disappeared? Well, whatever caused everyone to go poof! only affected living heroes. Anyone heroes that were dead in the first place, or even just half-dead, stayed behind.)
#pondhead blurbs#danny phantom#dpxdc#reveal gone right au#ghost king au#for plot reasons#it doesn't count if the hero had died and then came back to life#lots of heroes would still be around then#but this is me pushing the halfa!jason todd narrative work with me here he deserves the fun#deadman is there too#and he's just thriving honestly. it's so nice to be around his own kind even if the world is ending#maybe ellie is whooshed away too cause she never technically died but she took up danny's moniker when he was crowned#vlad is ecstatic cause danny put him in charge of several states while they looked for clues including Wisconsin#skulker is replacing superman and just has a shitty S painted on his chest and just eats kryptonite like candy the first time he meets Lex#Kitty and Johnny take over in gotham and sam is now the new wonder woman#idk man just stupid stuff like this#the press is flabbergasted cause the fucking KING OF GHOSTS just showed up and he's 14 and just looking for some friends#Danny: hey guys sorry about the zombies and fire i'm just here to find my coworker and lil sister and maybe the other heroes#Danny: in the meantime i'll just let my army into the mortal realm to defend it while we figure out what's going on pls don't yell at us :)#the press: how do we explain this to the justice league when they come back. how do we explain that earth was saved by a 14 year old boy-#also idk which heroes are technically dead but are still kicking so if you feel like someone deserves liminal status slap it on them idc#some villains are trying for world dominance and some are just trying to find their buddies. their fight buds. where'd they go? :(#joker gets bitch slapped by a skeleton two days in and waylon becomes bffs with wulf#danny uses the watchtower as a base of operations and it's the only thing he doesn't want to give up when the heroes are back#i have no plot ideas beyond this#i just want everyone to be baffled that an army of the dead showed up while they were gone and just made sure everything stayed cool#later danny realizes he was technically the ruler of the world for a bit since his people were everywhere keeping the villains in check
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Jimmy, Timmy, Danny, Manny, Jenny, and Dib.
With Dib being on the "bad" side in Globs of Doom, I think he'd have a hard time fitting in with the rest of them.
(Alt text under cut)
ID: Page 1 of a comic featuring Nicktoons characters. Panel 1: Dib Membrane from Invader Zim looks down at a weird device. He is wearing his usual outfit and has dumb hair. Dib says, “Hey Timmy, did you get the energy readings I sent?” Panel 2: Timmy Turner from Fairly Oddparents looks up from a phone while leaning casually on a giant green cartoon hammer in a suburban street. He is wearing a pink hoodie, scuffed jeans, and a backwards hat over a mullet. Timmy says, “Uh. No? What do you expect me to do with them?” Panel 3: Dib and Timmy talk to each other. Dib says, vaguely put off, “What? No, not you, the techie kid with the stupid hair.” Timmy points at him, saying, “Oh, you mean Jimmy!” Panel 4: Timmy looks over his shoulder at Jimmy Neutron and says, “And look who it is! None other than Mr. Chocolate soft-serve himself!” Jimmy is wearing glasses and a red turtleneck under a lab coat and holds a similarly high-tech device to Dib’s. He looks at Timmy, unimpressed, and says, “Can we stop making fun of my hair?” Timmy replies, “Nope!” Panel 5: Jimmy sighs and rubs his face, saying, “Okay, what do you need.”
ID: Page 2 of a comic. Panel 1: Timmy elbows Jimmy playfully and says, “Eh, I dunno. But get this– Dib still doesn’t know our names!” Jimmy looks at Timmy, interested. Dib angrily shouts, “Wh- it’s not my fault your names all sound alike!” Panel 2: Jimmy shrugs and looks at Timmy, saying, “Well, he does have a point.” Timmy looks unimpressed. Panel 3: A close-up of Jimmy saying, “Statistically speaking, it’s much easier for the human brain to distinguish between highly contrasting elements. (I. Brigg, 1978)” Panel 4: A zoomed-out shot of Jimmy, Timmy, and Dib in the street. Jenny Wakeman from My Life as a Teenage Robot is floating down to join them. Jimmy says, “You can’t really blame him when our names are so similar,” with his hands spread diplomatically. Timmy looks incredibly unimpressed. Dib arrogantly says, “Yeah, you all need to get better names.” Panel 5: Jenny appears next to Dib and says, “I am not changing my name.” She looks similarly to her appearance in the show, but has a ponytail and side bangs instead of twin pigtails and is wearing a contrasting maroon vest. Dib is startled and drops his device.
ID: Page 3 of a comic. Panel 1: Jenny appeals to Jimmy, saying, “Anyway, there are other ways to quickly memorize information. Like patterns!” Jimmy looks up with a hand over his mouth, thinking, and says, “Right!” The background is a red and yellow striped pattern. Panel 2: Jenny stands, confident, in front of Timmy and Dib. She says, “Plus, our names already form a recognizable pattern!” Timmy side-eyes Dib, who stares at Jenny, annoyed and confused. Panels 3-5: Jenny starts listing off the members of their group. Panel 3 shows Jimmy and Timmy, looking at each other and smiling. Jenny says, “There’s Jimmy and Timmy,” accenting the last parts of their names. Panel 4 shows Manny Rivera from El Tigre and Danny Phantom. Manny, in his El Tigre outfit, crouches on an awning in the background while Danny, in ghost form, approaches and asks, “Uh… what are we talking about?” Jenny continues, saying, “Danny and Manny,” once again stressing their names. Panel 5 features Jenny, waving a hand in the air while finishing her list, saying “-and Jenny works with that pattern too!” Panel 6: a group shot featuring all of the characters mentioned. Manny leaps down from the left. Danny stands somewhat in the foreground, looking at Jimmy. Timmy stands in the back, looking at Jimmy while thinking. Jimmy and Jenny stand in the middle, continuing their discussion. Jimmy says, “So you’re saying, if anything, Dib should change his name!” Jenny says, “Exactly!” Dib, in the foreground, objects, saying, “W- hang on-“
ID: Page 4 of a comic. Panel 1: Dib holds his hands up in protest, sweating, and says, “I just meant you should- -y’know, give me some slack w-“ Panel 2: Dib is interrupted by a mischievous Timmy, who elbows in and says, “Hey, what do you think about changing your name to Denny?” Dib looks confused. Panel 3: Manny enters from the other side, scratching his chin and grinning. He says, “I dunno, Timmy. He looks more like a Benny to me.” Panel 4: Danny butts in, holding a finger and looking down at Timmy. He says, “Cut it out you two!” Timmy and Manny look confused. Dib looks relieved. Panel 5: Danny finishes his thought, saying “Besides, this guy’s totally a Kenny.” Timmy and Manny both crack up, while Dib looks royally ticked off. He stares straight ahead and says, “That’s it! I’m going back to the syndicate!” Panel 6: A far-out shot of all 6 of the kids. Dib is storming away, angry. Jimmy and Danny follow after him, Jimmy worried and Danny apologetic. Timmy and Manny continue to laugh between themselves while Jenny stands over them and scolds them. (End.)
#lmk what you think#i spent. so fucking long on this#hyperfixation ACTIVATE and all that#anyway#my art#digital art#comic#nicktoons unite#nicktoons#nickelodeon#invader zim#dib membrane#fairly oddparents#timmy turner#jimmy neutron#my life as a teenage robot#jenny wakeman#danny phantom#danny fenton#el tigre#manny rivera#crossover#i decided what im gonna do with spongebob. hes got a 9 to 5 hes just hanging out in his dimension#...still have no clue how im going to draw him though.#also DO I DO A SEQUEL OR NOT. I HAVE AN IDEA FOR ONE.
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“Who could see? Since Jean Valjean was alone, and there was no one there. The One who is in the shadows.”
for @valvertweek :]
#my art#Les Mis#Les Misérables#Jean Valjean#Javert#valvert#valvert week#entre chien et loup#love that the entire time leading up this I had absolutely no fuckin clue as to what to do and then I finally finished the brick#and this line came up and fucking punched me in the mouth; so have This.#ghost/living dynamics my fucking adored <3#can’t believe Victor Hugo gave .me. parts after Javert died lines w/ the possibility of his ghost being beside Valjean#(consciences are ghosts of everything in your life as it is)#rea rambles in the tags#rea’s trash
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Look it doesn't matter that you have no experience to do a hard complex art project as long as you have your Granny that also doesn't know what the fuck either of you are doing but Loves You
#i have never sewn a proper thing in my life and she has no clue what the fuck is my goal but we got thread all this shit i just bought—#less than a day to do it and a dream#and all that matters is the family love we share along the way#im scheduling this for later hopefully i'll already have finished it by then#otherwise im fucked#sunshine talks
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#not my place to say because i have no clue what's happening and don't involve myself in any of this but like.#it really does make the fandom experience worse when the only thing people are absorbed in is drama.#i feel very isolated from everyone rn and it's making it very hard to be online#no matter where you stand it's isolating and it sucks. feels like everyone is bonding over gossip that i truly Do Not Care About#and i'm just. sadtoad.jpeg#(not that i don't care about my friends getting bullied or anything!!!)#(this isn't even a vague this is about fandom issues that have Always Existed)#(it just feels like i stay in my lane and anytime i veer out of it i'm bombarded with crazy bullshit LOL)#i miss my friends and my rp partners and i just asfdajdgfasvjd i'm having a hard time being here rn#anyway if you made it to the end of this vent this is all to say: SORRY I'M NOT WRITING AND SORRY I'M NOT ON DISCORD LMAO#tua s4 ruined my life and now i'm trying to get away from vagueposts and bullshit and i just. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT i'm sorry#*【 ❛I'm not the spirit of any age. ❜ 】 ➤ OOC
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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it is depression time and i don’t wanna pay for therapy again so. makin memes
#these are specific but not even the super specific ones so. enjoy idk#life is. oof#shit times but whatevs innit#i think i have identified the issues! alas i have no fucking clue what to do about them#depression memes#my shit brain#my silly little brain
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how to feel excited about my own projects again
#writeblr#i need more passion more passion more energy more energy#no but fr#i'm motivated for half an hour every three months#and then i fall back into this passionless state#it's been three years like at some point creativity and motivation have to return?#why not now?#i have four more weeks of no uni#but i'd rather scroll through instagram reels than write?#(i tried the no social media route it didn't help)#it's just with 5 senses i have no clue what should happen in that fourth arc#taoki is too difficult to write#itlot feels meh#and project 4 is nice but also a bit meh#everything feels a bit meh#then i think maybe i am not made for big projects#maybe reading and writing defined a big part of my life but the phase has ended#maybe it will return when i am sixty#and i should try a different hobby then#and sure i can go 'but every word is progress' but that's just fucking exhausting#i could write 5k a day some years ago and feel good about it and now every sentence feels like i am sacrificing my liver#and that's not a fun feeling#and if writing is supposed to be a fun hobby but writing feels like a god's punishment then why am i even doing it you know#maybe i just miss community and stuff. maybe i just need some positive social reinforcement#but guess what i need to do to get that#exactly.#rant#rie rambles#or smth
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I feel so disconnected all the time.
#what am I doing wrong#why do I feel like I am speaking to myself most of the time#I'm a nobody#I just want to feel like I belong#or at least that people like me#please talk to me#please tag me in things#please just make me feel like I'm not alone#I know that's a hard thing to do though#I feel like I was born alone#I wish I were a goddess but I know I'm just ghost#and I feel like such an ungrateful bitch#“you managed to cajole some of your friends into doing something just last week. Why can't that be enough?”#because it was for my fucking birthday and I didn't even tell them that#because I worked all day and felt completely drained physically and mentally after#and yet it was one of the best birthdays of my life#much better then all the ones I spent alone#I have no clue where this was going and normally it would get saved to my drafts for nobody to ever see#but I am feeling so confident that if I post this then nobody who cares would ever see it that I'm about to do something stupid#I guess the mask cracking is the first step in getting better but also it's gonna be real bad
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#vel 17#hanging out in my silly bedroom drinking too much water to handle#thank you so much#i'mma do something i dont think ive done in years and like#give commentary in the tags & shit#i think simply put ive been trying to find ways to talk about my stellar combo of ocd a panic disorder and cptsd for a long time now#& i still honestly have no clue#once i wasnt surfing from place to place last year i really just locked myself in here#and that was 10 months ago (7 months after it got really fucking bad). ive been feeling like this pretty much since i turned 25#finally being able to process what the people in life had to tell me was a years worth of legit psychological abuse#but now thats even getting outside my comfort level at the moment and ive been recontextualizing my whole life over here#ive barely been posting pictures outside of my bedroom cause ive barely left it#if you see this it means it escaped my drafts and i was bold enough to publish this tagspeak#i am merely just trying to expel ocd ruminations dont mind me 🪩#but idk. talking like this makes me feel gross and i'm starting to realize people don't usually feel it to THIS extent. like i feel nauseou
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j:DFLFDKF oKAY, huge Pebbles fan here. It's finally nice to see someone who also wants to beat Suns within every inch of his life. I actually like his character too! He's not necessarily a bad person or doesn't care about his friend. It's just his mindset is toxic and he end up dragging Pebbles down with him. He was not a health mentor for Pebbles.
Pebbles was not in a good place mentally and was spiraling hard. Then Suns hands HIM INFORMATION ON HOW tO KIlL hIMSELF?!! SFJ:K BOYO, YoU STupID?!
In the majority of interactions, we see betweeen FP and Suns... Suns needles him when he's vulnerable, fails to use his singular emotional braincell when consoling his friend, and then gives him the how-to-shoot yourself list while assuming Pebbles wouldn't attempt it?? Don't get me wrong. Pebbles isn't excused from choices.
The difference is Pebbles is young for an iterator. He's quite obviously still reeling from his literal creators/parents leaving their entire species to rot. We don't know a whole lot about Suns, but my assumption is his natural reaction to the mass ascension was cynicism. This is not a healthy attitude to project onto your mentee who's in a vulnerable state. Suns was old enough to know better. Pebbles not so much.
(Okay I know Pebbles is probably older than the average human, but his attitude has always reminded me of a young adult. Like old enough to have more or less developed his world views, but still young enough to rash decisions and not understand the implications of them until it's too late. Canonically, he's still hasn't fully matured if we consider iterators losing their perception of godhood part of growing as people. That or Pebbles just needed to be humbled Iterators may not experience enough in life to be humbled considering they're immobile calculators. So, Pebbles being stuck in that phase for longer than you'd expect isn't uncalled for.)
I don't know if I expressed any of this correctly and will probably make plenty of people mad because I'm misunderstanding Suns character or something. OH WELL HeRE"S thE RAMBLE!
i'mma actually shove you into the main tag i agree with all of this That much GJKSCKLSDMGLK PEOPLE LOOKIT THIS PEBS FAN, THEY KNOW WHAS GOOD, GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!!!
if anythin, i'll be standin with ya dude. fuck Suns gang rise up. like we two have basically the same idea of Suns wtf,,,
#Spot says stuff#rain world#rw#the!! only thing i wanna gently poke at u about is that Suns' main pronouns are they/them bub! they/he Suns is mucho coolio in my book but-#-the they/them is still primary#Suns bein the group's cynical bastard has been a thing since the beginning im sure so u got That right! their approach to life is not smth-#-youd want in a person thats supposed to be a mentor to a youngling#Pebs could be over 100 but i agree 100% that he gives off the vibes of someone in their like. early twenties. he has absolutely no clue-#-what do with life hes still figuring it out. the idea that the absence of the Ancients actually causes a certain stagnation in his mental-#-development........ oh i fucking love that actually. theres just not enough stimuli anymore to help him develop into more directions!!!
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i don't know if you've answered this before, but why does murdoc choose to call reader "fawn?" it's very cute but knowing him there's definitely some sort of Evil Bitch Lore™ behind it in his lil head
I have answered this but some of the lore changed/I've better character insight on Fawn and Murdock so I'll link the old post and give a bit more info.
For one thing, take any lore I list for Fawn's background with a grain of salt as I'm wishy-washy with everything from Murdock's killing motives to his first name (Murdock is a middle name) and his eye color to Fawn's occupation and how they meet. As an example, previous post has Fawn being adopted, yet more recently I've rolled it back to bio-mother and stepfather. Fawn's bio-dad has a pivotal role in the story as he has from the beginning. Everything related to 'Fawn' as a nickname in that post remains true to my canon, but what I've changed is as thus: The night Fawn and Murdock meet, Fawn freezes up when faced with the threat of a murderer- ironically not the first one they face that night but they don't know this. In Murdock's mind, Fawn very much reminds him of the baby animal in question, and he mockingly refers to them as such. The intent is to remove a witness, glean information from them because he saw them interacting with the other murder, his longtime target- only for something about them, some old deja-vu to stay his hand, letting them escape... ... but they don't leave his mind.
#murder bastard 🗡#i speaketh#anon#evil bitch lore but not the stinky kind#he's absolutely a bastard man and i can-fucking-not for the life of me get his characterization down or keep CONCRETE lore#like the moment i'm writing this tag#I'm already thinking about altering his 'day job' again#which is to say i have no fuckin clue what i want him to do#flipflopping between changing his last name from Kilgrave to Kilbourne/Kilborne#ANd FUCKIGN FAWN- the flipflop from having it be reader insert pov to just#winging it and using the OC that Fawn became in this context#like how Chains!Reader became Ada#or ETR reader became Pidge#bbgorls#waugh pain in my soul
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Kind of missing ahasbands
#ahasbands fanart#last life fanart#idk if this is considered shipping or not#and i have no clue what their duo name could be aside from ahasbands#so cope ig#was debating to post this or not but i haven't posted for like a month so#FORGOT THESE#mumbo jumbo fanart#itlw fanart#fuck#tired#not shipping#ig i gotta add that bc I PERSONALLY do not engage in shipping#you are free to do whatever#my art
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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So I impulsively bought King Of Fighters 2000 simply because the KOF games are 65% off, and this is the final day...
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