#I’m just emotionally dead now
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I am just straight up not having a good week!!
#m super sick. and another one of my frogs died which I’m so fucking upset about#I’m gonna tear down their tank#cuz now I’m worried there’s something wrong with it#maggie seems fine#but so did Rana so#idk#I feel like it’s not coming across how upset I am#I’m not sitting here like oh well. I just want that to be clear#I feel fucking awful#I’m just emotionally dead now#too many bad things happening to me#devine punishment or whatever
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Back at it again with another theory: What if Lucanis’ betrayal wasn’t a betrayal at all?
(obviously, spoilers below the cut)
During The Wigmaker Job, we have some dialogue between Illario and Lucanis about their position within both the Crows and the Dellamorte family. Illario wants Caterina to step down so he can take the coveted First Talon spot. Lucanis reassures him that his time is coming, to which Illario makes a snide comment about whether his cousin would ever go against their grandmother’s wishes. When they continue the conversation after the job, Illario states that Lucanis is the potential heir, that he’s her favorite, and that he’s unlikely to say no to her. Lucanis doesn’t argue, only insists that he doesn’t want to be First Talon, and that he hopes she’ll see reason before that. It’s mentioned again in Eight Little Talons - Caterina favors Lucanis. It’s well-known enough among the Crows that Viago and Teia discuss it in front of her (not on purpose, but she doesn’t deny it). He’s her prodigy through and through.
In the opening scene for the Lucanis quest in Veilguard, Caterina is poised, as you’d expect of the First Talon. She’s certain that the body they buried wasn’t her grandson, that it had been altered with blood magic. She doesn’t pose it as a theory, though: she poses it as a fact. It could, of course, merely be her confidence, but there’s another very unusual aspect to the scene – everyone else discusses how Lucanis was clearly betrayed, that someone must have sold him out in order for the Venatori to capture him. Caterina is the only one in that room who never speaks on it. She doesn’t ask for justice, doesn’t mention vengeance, never acknowledges that her grandson was sold out by someone he trusted – perhaps because he wasn’t.
What if, when Caterina comes to him with a plan, with an impossible request, he’s still her favorite prodigal grandchild, and he still does whatever she asks? She’s had him tortured before as a child, has tortured and starved and beaten him herself before, because it makes him stronger and more resistant to it in the future. He says in The Wigmaker Job that he used to hate her for it, but now he understands. He justifies it. All Crows justify it, because they have to - if they don’t, then the cruelty wasn’t for survival’s sake, and their suffering meant nothing. Perhaps he doesn’t even question it. When Caterina tells him that she has a job for him, he takes it.
What if the contract has a caveat? Sure, Calivan must die by his hand by the end of it, a little treat for a job well done, but what if his primary mission is reconnaissance, is discovery? The Venatori are using blood magic to torture and corrupt prisoners. It would behoove the Crows to find out what it entails and how to resist it, before it’s turned back on them. It would have to be someone so deeply, unabashedly loyal to her that when she asked them to infiltrate a Venatori prison, expecting torture at best, their own death at worst, they’d take the job anyway, no questions asked - someone Caterina can trust, certainly, but also someone who has never once said no to her.
And Lucanis has always been a loyal grandson.
#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age: the veilguard#datv#datv spoilers#veilguard spoilers#da posting#maybe it’s also just because she thinks it would make him stronger and that’s how she always justifies it to herself because she’s evil!!!!#she’s MICRODOSING her GRANDSON with BLOOD TORTURE and DEMONS to fashion him into A BETTER WEAPON#I keep hearing people be like ‘oh there’s a moment in the lucanis storyline where I GASPED’#and other than like ‘he was dead the entire time’ I’m like…… what would be that shocking#and you know what would be that shocking??#if he put himself through it on purpose#envisioning a line where he’s like ‘when Caterina told me to go I didn’t ask questions because I’m a good crow!!!!!’#(also I think that would REALLY give a good bite to his demon being SPITE of all things)#also also I still think that Illario kills caterina (if she’s actually dead) but y’know what?#if he does GOOD FOR HIM#also lucanis just happening to be bursting out of his cell when you get there…. SUSPECT#was he just ready to break out at any time? if so why did he stay and get tortured for a YEAR?#why were the guards so afraid of him?? what was he capable of???#‘you’re a crow’ or ‘but you’re not a crow’ ohhhh so you were expecting a rescue?#oh I am CONNECTING the DOTS (I haven’t connected shit) I’VE CONNECTED THEM#voelene#your caterina + illario post started these wheels turning and I am eternally grateful#also tho did update this slightly because I forgot about their conversation at the end of TWJ#also got so wrapped up in my hatred of caterina that I failed to consider another emotionally devastating option:#that lucanis was the one who wanted to go and caterina covered for him#now THAT’S got some bite to it too#and maybe Lucanis volunteering to take on a demon is why it doesn’t possess him fully#it’s like a wynne/anders thing it’s symbiotic
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the thing about grief is everyone’s like “it’ll never get smaller but you’ll grow around it” and yeah that’s true. i definitely have grown around my grief and it’s not constantly all-consuming anymore. but it hasn’t gotten smaller, and i don’t think people realise what that means. i think people figure it’ll feel smaller because they did grow around it, but it just means that it’s on the back of your mind now instead of at the forefront. you can do things and live your life without constantly only thinking of your grief. but sometimes it will also make itself known, and the sheer enormity of your grief will overwhelm you because ultimately it’s the same size as the day it arrived
#as always with my grief posting. i’m ok. i just have a hard time around winter and february especially#today is my birthday. the day after tomorrow is when my dad died#it’s not a good combination and it makes me a bit varied emotionally#this is the first year i can’t be with my family for the anniversary of his passing so it’s just hitting extra hard right now#also his yarzheit was yesterday. so.#dead dad club#grief#vent tw#yall can rb this btw
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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.
#I didn’t think such a thing was possible#I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art#like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain#and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace#(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead#and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing#because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all#so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance#but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t#push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and#to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it#I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good#like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking#and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now#(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise#and it’s WORKING#because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage#but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second#this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening#but it is what happening#a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible
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me waiting for my writer’s block to fuck off and leave me alone so i can finish this chapter:
#my creativity is just so dead rn and it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin#i’ve been waiting MONTHS to finally have a little bit of free time to breathe and catch up on writing stuff#and naturally now that i have i am so mentally and emotionally drained i can barely string a sentence together#i feel so distant and detached from my characters#and yes i know it’ll pass#but i just feel so caught in this headspace rn and needed to vent#i’m SO close to finishing this chapter for good but i have well and truly fallen at the final hurdle#the perfectionism has got me#ugh#also if anyone reading this is worried about four walls being updated#please don’t#i literally circle through this headspace every single chapter#and it hasn’t stopped me yet#(and it never will either. i couldn’t give up on this fic if i tried)#but it’s just hitting me particularly hard this last week#why is writing such an agonising process sometimes#anyway#enough rambling from me for one night#i’ll drag myself back to my laptop and see if i can work some magic#wish me luck#writing stuff#lulu posts
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currently crying over baby monkey. he’s just a little guy. too much trauma for such a little man
(fool’s gold episode 31)
#yes this is about#fool’s gold dnd#i got stabbed in the stomach and they all TWISTED THE KNIFE#they meaning literally everyone there#dead over lil baby monke#‘would you do it all again’ ‘that’s a weird question’ IM. GONE.#i’m so not normal about this#i’m screaming#dingo comes in every few months and WRECKS ME EMOTIONALLY#in a /pos way#this fuckin monkey is one of my favourite characters ever and i relate to him so much omg… now he’s baby#<3#is this foreshadowing#/j#anyway watch fool’s gold on yt you will NOT regret it. it get progressively more cinematic to the point where it’s just episodes so#you gotta stick through the drunk monkey karaoke tarrasque incident. which isn’t that hard because it’s great#leeeeeches!#fool’s gold#dingo doodles
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I was putting off the finale of Foundation til the ✨ right moment ✨
and tell me why that show put me through the seven stages of grief in ONE FUCKING EPISODE
#foundation season 2#foundation apple tv#so Hari was dead AGAIN and now he’s not??#then Salvor FUCKING DIED?!#and Glawen was BLOWN UP#so Bel just like casually sacrificed himself#but GLAWEN WAS ALIVE IN THE VAULT THE WHOLE TIME#that’s some Romeo and Juliet shit right there#and Bel THREW CLEON XVII out of the AIR LOCK like Jesus Christ#and I don’t think I’ll ever emotionally recover from Demerzel killing Dusk like that man was a sweet bean who didn’t deserve it#and enjoiner rue is dead too kill me#and don’t get me STARTED on Dawn and Sareth running off together to have their little happy ever after with their baby I’m going to SCREAM#it’s what my little ray of sunshine deserved#and hober is dead too?!?!#but poly isn’t thank god#but hober!!!#I don’t trust these writers surely not bro#they killed the entire cast once just let us have one of them back#surely they can’t keep hober bel and salvor dead?#they’ll bring back one right?#right???#this show gives me fucking whiplash
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.
#in reality - on the relationship front anyway#i’m not ready for a relationship and i don’t think i ever have been#i’m incredibly emotional and immature and so i attract emotionally unavailable ppl … bc i myself am also emotionally unavailable … dude tht#was a tough pill to swallow i’ll tell you tht for free ..#but once i did realise .. a lot of my tendencies started to make sense and i started to be able to identify shit abt myself better and know#what i need and want#like trauma is horrible but like it doesn’t make any of us bad ppl … but we all need to stop ppl who trigger our abandonment or attachment#issues .. DEAD IN THEIR TRACKS#now you can be wondering ‘beebs .. how dyek they’re doing tht xyz’#okay .. do they make you feel anxious? like not just 🦋 but like … ANXIOUS#like do you find yourself become unhinged so if they reply to you#… tht’s it … tht’s literally it#and how you stop them is … literally just remove them off of everything .. bloque bloque bloque#as far as they’re concerned you’re a fucking phantom (one of the few times i’ll excuse ghosting)#DO NOT EVER ACCEPT THT SHIT FROM NO ONE#bc none of our days r over and yk what … i do believe our persons are out there … i do 🪽🪽🪽#but we need to be patient for them#n i do think the universe is on our sides yk#like i think it makes these ppl tht IT KNOWSSS are bad for us hurt us to push them away from us … bc we don’t need them bad vibrations#i leave you w this oscar wilde quote i love:#‘never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary’#you’ve got this i’ve got this we’ve all got this 🧿 love n light#beebs.txt
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CW: mention of gun violence (in a nightmare. not IRL)
i know for a fact that my period makes me more apt to cry over things because i can have a vivid nightmare about getting randomly gunned down while waiting in line to pick up a pizza then wake up and not shed a tear but when i’m on my period i can have one (1) bad dream about my father yelling at me and i wake up and promptly begin full-on sobbing into my pillow
#cw gun mention#cw gun violence#cw nightmares#cw menstruation#cw periods#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#anyways i gave myself a headache from the crying so that’s cool#what’s ironic is that while i was laying there feeling all sad and pathetic i suddenly thought of the Reader x Moon oneshot i wrote#uhhh what was it called i can’t think straight rn#‘when i’ve got no one else’ or smthn like that#and i started crying even harder LMAO#alright it’s midnight-thirty i need to drink some water and go back to sleep#everything’s fine i’m just Stressed™️ right now and yesterday was a long and draining day#i’m almost grateful for my periods making me more emotional actually bc it’s like. easier to just cry and let it all out. y’know?#i used to despise that part of menstruation cause it made me feel weak but you know what? fuck it#maybe sometimes we need to let ourselves feel weak. maybe the inability to let ourselves be vulnerable is actually the thing to hate#being weak sometimes is important in a way#if you can’t let yourself break down sometimes you will like. explode or something. maybe not physically but. emotionally. mentally.#constantly being strong and/or dead inside will hurt you in the end. you gotta be soft and vulnerable every so often. me thinks#okay enough midnight thoughts GOODNIGHT my everything is sore and hurting so i am gonna stop talking now and go back to sleep
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i do a really bad thing where i have a conversation in my head but then retaliate out loud like when i’m overwhelmed i’ll be like ‘gosh everyone is being so annoying and so loud’ and then the second someone talks to me directly i’ll be like ‘STOP DONT TALK TO ME’ instead of being normal in the first place and asking people to not talk to me in a polite manner
#and like i know WHY i do it but it still doesn’t make it right#i just had a fight with my sister but apparently my argument wasn’t valid because i did the same thing to her yesterday#and like i know i do that because my family doesn’t respect me or my requests in the first place so over time#i’ve just stopped making them so now when i’m over stimulated or stressed i just react#and like i have never truly yelled at someone maliciously in my life like it feels very unnatural to yell#but my sister said i was screaming at her like a crazy person so like at the end of the day my feelings on the matter i hurt her no matter#how unintentionally and like fuck my mother but she looked me dead in the face and said this is why everyone hates you and doesn’t want to#have a relationship with you because you’re a hypocrite who doesn’t even realize when i’m doing the same thing as them#and like while it IS different it’s not an excuse and just#yeah bad night mentally and emotionally for that to walk into at home especially since while i understand what i ddi wrong yesterday#i don’t know how that correlates to today and me being confused and upset because my sister refused to answer a question about my dog#because it was ‘none of my business’ and no one would justify my feelings on it#eris: text#[redacted]
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at this point i would rather be dead because of that dog than injured
#vent#i guess. i don’t fucking know at this point. i’m just super fucking upset that i could be using a cane for mobility right now since i have#literally been fucking struggling to just get out of bed standing and then fucking hobbling out of my room with no proper support at all.#the pain fucking hurts so bad when i just dangle my legs over the side if my bed in preparation to stand up and my mom isn’t taking it even#slightly seriously. I. CAN’T. FUCKING. WALK. COMFORTABLY. OR EVEN FUCKING STAND COMFORTABLY WITHOUT PAIN SHOOTING THROUGH MY LEG.#I CAN’T DO THE BASIC TASKS I COULD DO BEFORE I WAS FUCKING ATTACKED BY MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG. WHERE’D ALL THE CONCERN FROM YESTERDAY GO HUH MOM#WHY DOES IT SUDDENLY NOT FUCKING MATTER THAT I CAN BARELY FUCKING WALK OUT MY ROOM WITHOUT CRYING BECAUSE IT HURTS SO BADLY.#DOES IT MEAN NOTHING THAT I’D RATHER BE DEAD THAN INJURED SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO GO THE SHORT DRIVE INTO TOWN TO#GO BUY LIKE A SEVEN DOLLAR CANE FROM CVS JUST TO MAKE MY LIFE A LITTLE EASIER FOR NOW? IS IT SO FUCKING DIFFICULT MOM?#and she wonders why i never fucking tell her how i’m feeling on a regular basis. whether it be emotionally or physically. what i feel at an#given time clearly doesn’t actually fucking matter. so maybe i should have just died instead. i’d feel a whole lot better thats for sure.
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I’m writing a college essay into angling Eve and then I have a whole research paper after this and then I just remembered all these whack ass quiz games homework assignment things I haven’t done yet😓
#at least I just found out the dead dad on this is us is hot#I ain’t never watched it before#but my mom put it on and now I wanna watch it for him#and I’m actually quite emotionally invested now#softie talks
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So yeah going to bed yesterday at almost five am once again means that I am sleepy tired. Fighting the sleepy to daydream about the blorbos from my brain
#me feeling so so sleepy so tired so cuddle my seahorse squishmallow think about my dead dad run my ac try to cry curl up under blanket#but also having thoughts about my OCs#not thoughts in a writey way just thoughts in a rotating them in my head and going thru Pinterest and Spotify trying to see what gives me#motivation for their characters so I can properly assess the changes in myself which have affected my writing and therefore how I shape#these characters except they were already based on mental illnesses and situations from my early teens and now I’m trying to make them grow#in the same way I grew but they won’t have the same circumstances as me so it’ll be hard to explain them emotionally being similar to me#basically I need to figure out how my mind works to find how their minds work to find how they can best fuck nasty in my head in a way that#I can write it down between intense chapters about sloppy teenage romance#anyways. yeah. having thoughts but nothing new and nothing worth writing#🔥
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How the Brothers Would Deal with MC's Mortality
Mammon:
You casually brought it up as a joke
Probably something like “i’m here for a good time, not a long time” or “why should i care what happens in 100 years? It’s not like i’ll be around to care”
Would probably confuse Mammon at first as to why you wouldn’t be around, but he would put the pieces together in the middle of the night when trying to sleep.
A whole, eyes snapping wide opening and flinging out of his bed kind of moment.
Mammon would worry himself sick
Yes, he knows humans can die, hell, he used to mock you for being so frail when you first came to the Devildom, but now?
Well, now things are different. How he feels about you is different
He's spending all his money on ways to keep you kicking longer.
Anything he can think of that’ll help, he’s buying it. Vegetables, fruits, protein powder, comfortable clothes, a nice pillow, vitamins, shampoos- anything. He has no idea where to start, so he just starts grabbing everything.
I mean, something will have to help, right?
If you notice he looks panicked, don’t point it out, it’ll only make it worse. Unless you want to be smothered to death from his affection and worry, then by all means. ;)
Leviathan:
Look, he can barely handle his favorite anime characters dying, so you? Yeah, no, that’s way too much.
Nothing actually popped up to remind Leviathan of your mortality, it was because of Satan throwing his books all around the house that did it.
Suddenly, it was all he could think about. How did he not think of this before?
Leviathan is no Satan though, and he’s certainly not Lucifer. Researching medical documents and trying to think of things to keep you alive longer are a little over his head. That being said, there were some things he could do.
Leviathan dove into his own research that would be within his realm of understanding, studying that humans who have more positive mindsets and who are less exposed to depressing forms of media, may live longer than the average person. This- this was something he could work with.
Suddenly, you were constantly being invited to his room, Leviathan having a variety of slice-of-life anime for you to watch with him, all of which had happy endings to boot. If an anime was even remotely depressing, he made sure to keep that out of reach.
Video games? He’s keeping it safe; he’s not risking anything here. If it’s not similar to Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Dreamlight Valley, or The Sims (which must be on a good day), you’re just not playing it. Kingdom Hearts if you’re lucky.
Satan:
Would do an insane amount of research
Likely overheard the topic on a news segment about the tragically short lifespans of humans before it all clicked together.
Satan, unlike the other brothers, has never experienced death before, so while it sounds silly, he never had reason to think of you dying.
Looks up humans who had long lifespans to see how he can implement those things into your lifestyle.
Books will be littered everywhere (although that’s not really unusual, but what is would be the topic of said books- The Long Lives of Humans, Human Lifestyle for Dummies 101, The Road to Human Immortality, etc. etc.)
This is when Satan learns just how easy it is for a human to kick the bucket.
Heart attacks, brain aneurysms, strokes, seizures, cancer, the list goes on and on and it’s starting to scare him. He didn’t know humans could just drop dead.
He’s going to start researching curses to increase your lifespan, or at the very least he’s going to make sure you’re careful as hell.
You won’t even get as much as a cut without him being aware of it; he’s going to hover around and mother hen the absolute shit out of you.
Try not to get too annoyed with him though, it all stems from good intentions.
Asmodeus:
He’ll be damned if his shopping partner for life is going to die on him.
Asmo isn’t stupid; if anything he’s pretty emotionally aware. He's known for a long time just how short the lifespan of humans is.
But still, it came in the form of a nightmare. One where he couldn’t save you, despite giving his best efforts. The way you died was tragic, long before your life should have ended.
This sent Asmo somewhat into a frenzied state trying to find things to keep you alive once he woke up.
Vitamins, vitamins, vitamins
Humans benefit from vitamins, right? Surely you’d benefit from Devildom vitamins then. If it’ll increase the lifespan of a demon, he sees no reason why it wouldn’t increase your lifespan.
Of course, it really only gives you nicer nails and shinier hair.
He’s 10x more intense with your morning and night routines.
He will be unloading all his facial creams on you, and telling you the benefits of each one and how it might add a few years to your lifespan.
You want to stay up late at night to finish homework? Maybe watch a movie? Yeah, no, not on Asmo’s watch.
Your ass is going to bed every night at 10pm, right along with him. You do realize you’ll be getting exactly 8 hours of sleep each night, too, right?
Beelzebub:
Regarding his trauma with Lilith, it came as no surprise when he started to fret over your well-being.
Poor Beel saw an article that discussed how tragically easy it is for a human to die. The cherry on top? How they could die from simply overeating.
Overeating isn’t a concept Beel is overly familiar with (because to him, it’s never overeating), and while he knew most people couldn’t keep up with his eating habits, he didn’t think it could actually cause harm to a human, let alone kill them.
Grocery trips are now a more anxiety-inducing event.
He’s suddenly paranoid that any of the Devildom food could and will kill you. Are you allergic to anything? How would you even know?
What if one day he serves you his favorite boiled dragonhead and you just drop dead at the dinner table?? No, that will never do.
There’s a list of Devildom foods that he knows for sure you can have without dying, but then comes the issue of portion control. How much is too much for a human?
Beelzebub swore he would never lose another loved one again, and it’s a promise he intends to keep. From now on, you will only eat what he deems safe.
You want to try a new food in the Devildom that you’ve never had before? You better get some seriously good convincing skills if you want him to cave in. For someone who only ever thinks with his stomach, he’s surprisingly stubborn.
Belphegor:
He’s still plagued with nightmares about Lilith, especially since he still thinks it’s his fault. Tack that on to the way he blamed you and the rest of the human race for it? The man is walking trauma.
Like Asmodeus, this was brought on by nightmares about you dying. Different from Asmo’s, however, you usually died by his hand. Naturally, considering your tumultuous history.
Belphegor, unlike his brothers, takes a different approach. He just doesn’t approach you at all.
What better way to keep your lifespan long than by staying away from you altogether?
Is it something that he wants? Of course not! But how can he trust himself to never hurt you again? To never kill you again.
He can’t.
So, he locks himself away in his room, sleeping most of the day or just avoiding the areas you normally like to lounge.
On a normal day, almost everyone in the household, including yourself, would notice this behavior change. However, since you’re now being cornered by all the brothers and their concerns about your lifespan, it’s easy for Belphegor’s absence to slip your mind.
This hurts Belphegor, but at the end of the day, he believes this is for the best.
Lucifer:
Lucifer didn’t need a reminder of your short lifespan; if anything, it’s something he’s thought plenty about.
Lucifer has trauma, we all know that much. After Lilith, he’s absolutely terrified of losing another loved one to something outside of his control.
And your lifespan is not something that’s out of his control. At least not how he sees it, anyway.
If you thought he was overbearing or overprotective before, brace yourself. He’s going to step it up several notches.
No excess of junk food, no more pulling all-nighters, no more sitting around the house gaming all day, and definitely no more overexerting your use of magic. He’s no fool, he knows the toll your magic could eventually take on your body.
Honestly? He wasn’t this bad until his brothers started to panic about your mortality, and though Lucifer told himself he was above such nonsense, he quickly found himself taking all the precautions they were taking (and then some).
Fortunately, if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, they’ll be more than willing to listen to you (granted you take some of their concerns into account).
#obey me#obey me nightbringer#obey me shall we date#nightbringer#shall we date#lucifer#mammon#leviathan#levi#satan#asmodeus#asmo#beelzebub#beel#belphegor#belphie#drabbles#obey me headcanons#obey me x mc#obey me x reader#obey me lucifer#obey me mammon#obey me levi#obey me leviathan#obey me satan#obey me beel#obey me beelzebub#obey me asmo#obey me asmodeus#obey me belphie
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Downfall [ Five Hargreeves x Reader ]
Summary: No matter the timeline, you and Five never get your chance.
A/N: well I think I can agree with everyone that season four was not good… so my way of coping is making angsty imagines for it… I’m trying to cope with the fact this is the last time we will ever see them ): This is also super short, apologies
Warnings: Season Four Spoilers
MASTERLIST LINK
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Five had seen multiple timelines with Lila throughout their time spent together. And in almost every single one they saw, you were dead by the hands of him or vice versa. Eventually it became normal to see you mourning Five or him taking revenge for you.
Lila could see how distressing it was for him to see every timeline play out the same for the both of you.
Fate never seemed to be on your side, and even in your timeline, Five never had the courage to tell you his feelings. Despite spending six years by his side, being his roommate, helping him with cases, being there emotionally for him… he never seemed to catch on to the fact that you held feelings for him, too.
On one of their multiple train rides, Lila tried to address what the two of you meant to each other, but Five didn’t want to acknowledge it.
Because he feared the moment he’d open up, fate would play it’s cruel trick again and guarantee he would never see you again.
So he buried it deep within himself so it would not haunt him.
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For you, it was mere hours you had last seen Five. You had helped Allison and Claire rescue Klaus from being buried alive, and had found your way to Lila and Diego’s home.
Everything seemed to be alright, and although you could sense something was wrong with Five, you didn’t have the energy to ask, simply from the long day you were all having.
However, you didn’t fail to notice the looks Lila and Five were sharing. It made not only you suspicious, but Diego as well. It was started to grow more and more tense as he pried information from them.
It almost felt as if your heart was being ripped out of your chest, being stomped on by the universe, as Five and Lila confessed of their infidelity.
You weren’t sure if you wanted to console Diego or slap Five.
You decided on the latter before storming out of the house. Diego tried to stop Five from chasing after you, but Five was quicker and blinked to your side.
“Let me explain.”
“Get away from me!” You screamed as you exited the house. Nobody followed the two of you, so you only assumed Lila was in the hot seat.
“(Y/n)! Stop acting like a child and listen.” Five grabbed your arm and whipped you around to face him. He was close now, his breath fanning your face.
“How could I listen to the fact you and Lila shared such an intimate relationship while I have been waiting years for you to do the same with me.” You made sure to throw your words in his face, making all of your emotions clear as day. Pretending to not hold feelings for him was beginning to weigh you down, so you needed to let go of those weights now.
“All we did was kiss,” Five said it like it was the most simple action in the world. “One kiss and we realized our mistake immediately. We got wrapped up in our own little bubble and forgot the important things. I just… I couldn’t handle seeing you die anymore…”
“What?” You pushed away from him. Had he seen a timeline with you dead?
“I… we don’t get a happy ending in any timelines. No matter what we do, we fail to be together.” Five sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I lost hope that even if we got back, it would lead to our demise.”
You didn’t know what to say to him as your heart began to beat uncontrollably.
He looked into your tear filled eyes and said, “I want to be with you, but I don’t want to kill you.”
“I don’t want to be with someone who, after forty years in the apocalypse, couldn’t even keep his heart on one person for seven years. It doesn’t matter if you realized your mistake, Five. I’ve been here the whole time waiting for you. I took care of you when you came home bloodied. I stayed up with you while you had panic attacks. I made sure that you had coffee brewed every morning.”
Five felt ashamed he had let everything you had done for him go to waste with his one mistake. “I don’t expect you to forgive me.”
“Maybe I’ll be the bigger person and actually forgive you, because I know deep inside I am that person. And I for sure know you aren’t because you kissed your brother’s wife, Five.” You scoffed and wiped away your tears. “Good luck with that.”
You began to walk towards your car without another word, and Five just watched as you left.
He was smart enough to know that if he chased you, it would lead to a grave.
And not too long after, he would sacrifice himself with his family, his last thoughts only consisted of you and how much he failed your relationship. Some selfish part of him hoped that he’d come back, to be able to see you again.
But the more rational side of him knew that he would never touch you again.
Because for once, you would be able to live in a peaceful timeline without him there to cause your downfall.
#five hargreeves x reader#five hargreeves imagine#five hargreeves#number five x reader#number five#five x reader#tua#tua season 4#the umbrella academy imagines#the umbrella academy#tua imagines#tua imagine#tua x reader#tua x you#five hargreeves x you#aidan gallagher#Aidan Gallagher x reader#Netflix
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Washing Machine Heart 🩶
Mom’s Best-friend!Joel Miller x f!reader
Main Masterlist | Joel Miller Masterlist
Summary: Your Mom is not nice to you, her only Daughter, always picking on you whenever she can. To get back at her you decide to seduce and fuck her Highschool Best-friend Joel Miller. Oh she also has a crush on him so that’s a bonus.
Rating: 18+ mature content mdni!!!!
Word count: 3.5k
Warnings: no use of y/n, female reader, implied abuse, childhood trauma, alcohol, smut, reader has no name only nicknames, size difference, age gap, readers age is mentioned and Joel is more than double sooo, mommy issues, strained relationships, petty shit, cream pie, tittys, choking kind of, teasing, Joel is tiny bit Pervy, of course Daddy kink, unprotected p in v,
If I missed anything please let me know 🙏🏻
Authors note: I was mad so this is what I cooked up lol
Shoutout to @cafekitsune for the dividers 🫶🏻
Disclaimer: English is not my first language so if you come across mistakes it might be due to that. This is my first time writing smut sooooo be nice please. I’m totally here for constructive criticism or feedback on how to improve. In general I appreciate comments, likes and reblogs greatly. 🖤
Song’s I listened to while writing:
I Hate My Mom by GRLwood
Class of 2013 by Mitski
I hope ur miserable until ur dead by Nessa Barrett
Bubblegum Bitch by MARINA
Backstabber by Kesha
Jerk by Oliver Tree
You know exactly when the relationship between you and your mother started deteriorating- The day she decided to choose your loser Stepdad, the one she only dated for 4 years, over her own 8 year old daughter. From then on you took a backseat in her life yet she still expected you to take care of her all needs. You hate her for what she did and you miss her like a little kid. You had to drag her home when she drank too much, you can’t even remember how often that happened. Always having to jump in between that asshole and her fighting cuz even though she practically emotionally abandoned you, you still wanted to protect her from harm's way. She forced you to grow up so quickly, it’s her fault you never got a real childhood.
For years you accepted that this is normal. The screaming, the violence and the degrading words became a part of growing up. You were a kid but not clueless, someone who loves you wouldn’t have done all of this. And yet all of them tried so hard to make you shut up and believe it’s what you deserved.
Luckily what happened did not entirely break you. No, you grew into someone who fought for herself since no one ever did that.
Of course you hoped she might realize her mistakes, apologize and change but nothings new with her. She’s great at pretending to be a better person to the outside world, than she is in reality, behind closed doors the mask unveils an ugly woman. A narcissistic self absorbed monster that took all your joy away.
It’s pathetic considering how much she always talks about getting abused by her own father but instead of breaking the cycle she doubled down on it. Going as far as using that as an excuse for what she did to her own child.
She only kinda stopped the abuse once you no longer were a small child. Now that you could fight back she did not corner you anymore.
But just because she couldn’t hit you anymore doesn’t mean the picking on you stopped, no, it was her mission to rid you of the last remaining confidence and self love.
In each screaming match she tried so hard to gaslight you into believing you were crazy for feeling offended by her disgusting behavior.
One time you asked why she hit you as a little kid and the answer left you completely blown away. She expressed that you cried so much, and did it to provoke her. What else could she have possibly done other than raise her hand?
Or another time she refused to acknowledge that she hit you at all but a second later told you that perhaps if she would’ve done worse you would’ve turned out better.
At some point you stopped calling her Mom and only went with her name. You knew that it must hurt but did she really deserve that title after everything she did?
Now at 21 years old the relationship is just as rocky, not much has changed.
Your mom has basically zero friends, she’s a bitch of course no one would want to be too close, well except for Joel…..Joel Miller that somehow was her friend.
Perhaps only since they have known each other since High School, he might have felt some kind of obligation towards her due to that. She told you once that Joel was the boy every girl had a crush on with his whole guitar playing thing they all swooned over him.
Even now all those years later Joel was a beautiful specimen, tall, broad shoulders, huge hands, strong arms you’d like to be enveloped by, tanned freckled skin, a cute butt, gorgeous brown curls with slightly gray streaks showing his age, big brown eyes, a prominent nose and soft pillow like lips.
You understand why your Mom had a crush on him, any woman would bend over for him if he’d say so. She thought it was not too noticeable but unlike Joel you caught it immediately.
She made you the reason for her life being so shitty but now after years of torment you saw a chance at really giving her a reason to hate you. Maybe something is wrong with you for liking the idea of breaking her heart so much but you honestly couldn’t care less. The one you felt sorry for most was probably Joel; he would be the pawn in your deranged game without knowing.
As it turns out though Joel is not as innocent as expected, the more you tried to get closer the more you realized he might be easier to seduce than originally anticipated.
You started with small things like hugging him a bit longer than normally so he could feel you perky full tits squished against his chest. Touching his arms and squeezing them but not too much as if to draw attention to it. And from his reactions, he did not seem to mind.
You were not worried about your mother, she never was the most alert to begin with.
When Joel came over for a barbecue you used the time alone with him in the garden while your mother was in the kitchen preparing god knows what to impress him.
Joel and you had some interesting conversations.
“Soooo you work in contracting, right?” You asked him sweetly. Joel chuckled “Yeah sweetheart, I do. But ya know tha’ already, so why ask?” You played it off as much as you could “Just making sure you didn't decide to switch career paths in the time I haven’t seen you…” you look up at him through your lashes, cheekily biting your lip. Joel of course fell into the trap, his eyes going down to your plush lips in mere seconds. Got ya you dirty old men.
You stepped closer until you two were only a couple inches apart. His chest almost touched yours. In this position you really had to Crane your neck up to keep eye contact consistent.
“What are ya doing Baby,huh?” Joel tilted his head slightly down towards your face. You just giggled at him “Nothin Joel, just…” with that you put your hands on his wide chest ruining them down over his enticing slightly protruding belly. “I know you stare at my ass alllllll the time. I also know you like it when I walk close by you and graze you with my tits. My little skimpy outfits turn you on as well don’t they,huh Joel?” You smirk at him.
You can see how he clenches his jaw…ohhh yes you got him figured out.
He hisses low and menacing at you “You are a little slut ain’t ya, baby. Groping a man over double your age. Teasin me with those sugar tits and that tight lil ass….”
You can see his pupils dilate till his eyes look close to being completely blacked out. You muse “Yeah I’m a whore but you like that don’t you?” With that you cup his hard cock over his shorts he decided to wear today.
He gasps and immediately grips your wrist to yank those devilish hands away from his throbbing length. Especially when he hears your mother’s voice calling out from inside the house.
He backs off and tries to catch his breath as well as calm his raging hard on down to an unnoticeable minimum. Before he leaves to figure out what she called for he turns to you and lifts an accusing finger towards you.
“We ain’t done baby, ya gonna make it up to me for teasin and leavin me all high and dry, mkay?” He tilts his head almost to intimidate you but to no avail you’re just a massive brat “Hmmm sure Joeliii but i think your underwear is anything but dry.” You giggle and continue “Probably full of pre cum am I right,huh?”
Joel can’t believe what he’s gotten himself into and just shakes his head while turning to the house.
Somehow he made it through the barbecue without your mother noticing any tension between Joel and you. Stupid of her but good for you.
In the weeks after that afternoon you and him kept secretly meeting up. Most of the time at his house or he’d pick you up with his truck to drive you somewhere where he could have you without any distractions, of course when your mom wasn’t home. She might be stupid but even to her it would be weird why you suddenly start taking trips with Joel and she should not be suspicious.
Also during the talks with Joel that happened when taking a break between fucking it was once again made clear that he for whatever reason had not an ounce of knowledge about your mom’s crush.
The plan for how the reveal should go was set in motion. Your mom was driving out to one of those weird grocery stores that sold the health powders she drowned herself in, in hopes of making her more pretty from the inside out but to no avail the rot can’t be reversed.
You knew how long that would take her, it gave you enough time to fuck Joel in her favorite spot on the couch. Yeah petty and perhaps childish but you don’t care make her remember how you defiled her lovely couch with the man she was in love with.
Joel showed up 10 minutes after she drove off. You barely got the door closed behind him before he pounced on you. It’s been a few weeks since you fucked him last, you wanted him to be desperate for it so he’ll might be more focused on pounding you then notice that your mother is returning.
He immediately slotted his lips over yours, his hands grabbing at your hips with urgency.
You spin with him attached to your lips so you can guide him where you want him, on the couch. His breathing is already elevated and by the significantly evident bulge he’s massively turned on. Good, the less rational thinking the better.
While you push him towards the couch his lips slip down your jaw and land on your throat kissing and sucking all over. Between those kisses he huffs “Babyyy - I’ve - missed - ya so - much…” you just hum as an answer and when the back of his knees hit the edge of the couch he’s forced to unlatch from you.
He falls back, his head hitting the soft pillows so he’s only slightly elevated. You wink at him “yeah I bet you have and most of all He has missed me huh? Looks almost painful, did you not touch yourself in meantime?”
He sounds a bit whiny in his response “No Baby haven’t touched myself, saved it all for ya greedy little pussy.” Even when you think to have the upper hand he reminds you how different it actually is. “Come on baby, why don’t ya take of that lil skirt an’ take seat on my lap.” While grabbing at his crotch.
Your mouth is watering but there’s no time today to get your mouth on him like you usually love to. At his dirty words you can feel some wetness gush from your pulsing cunt, coating the inside of your thighs. As requested you slip your flowy skirt down your legs.
Joel let's out a gasp „No panties baby? Ya naughty little slut.“ he chuckles and you retort „Don’t need them if I’m with you, so why make it harder than it needs to be?“ at that Joel can only nod.
„Come here Sweet Moon Love.“ he demands.
You get on your hands and knees between his spread legs that lay on the couch. Slowly crawling towards him teasing him with your tits that are almost spilling out of your skimpy tank top.
When you finally sit down on his jeans-covered cock he lets out a sound of relief. Your knees on either side of his hips and his hands immediately find home on your hips and ass, kneading and caressing the skin there.
„Fuck Moon ya turn me on so much take of that goddamn top and show me those sweet sugar tits.“
So you do, slipping it over your head and throwing it somewhere behind you. He’s not surprised by the lack of a bra. He knows you hate wearing them and if he’s honest he loves that a lot, easier access and all.
Joel’s hands go from your hips up to the tits he loves so much. Carefully touching them, his warm hands and the wonderful feeling making it unable not to moan. Swiping his calloused fingers over your nipples, twisting them with determination causing you to keen.
You start arching your back towards his groping hands. His administrations cause the pull in your lower stomach to Continuously get stronger. You are convinced his jeans are covered in your juices and without realizing you’ve started to rub your bare pussy over his bulge with vigor.
„Joel enough I need you inside me, now!“ You don’t even wait for a response, lifting your hips and loosening his belt and unbuttoning the buttons of his jeans. With his help you drag his pants down but only so much that you are able to pull his throbbing cock out of the confines that are his blue boxers and you can see a huge dark spot where pre cum leaked, making you look at Joel chuckling „You really want it huh? Daddy” with a sweet lilt that makes his dick Twitch in your hands.
He just groans “Baby Moon if ya don’t sit down on my cock right now I’ll do it myself and I won’t give ya time to adjust.” He threatens but it really only turns you on more.
You peer up at the clock and see that you only have about 15 minutes left.
You take your original position and when his warm length slips through your moist folds his pre cum mixing with your own juices to create an addicting squelching sound.
At this point the dark hair nestling at the base of his cock and his happy trail are completely soaked.
“Gosh, Sweetheart she’s gushing all over me, put it in. She wants my cock don’t keep her waitin” you love when he talks in this way about your cunt, makes you wetter if that’s even possible.
You lift up a bit again and take hold of his length with one hand, the other on his chest to stabilize yourself. Dragging his leaking head through your glossy folds before lining him up with your gushing opening. You take one deep inhale cuz you know it’ll be a stretch even with how often you've done this.
Before sinking down on him you look at him there’s guilt somewhere deep in your conscience but you shake your head, you ain’t backing out now.
You slowly start to sink down when Joel decides it’s not quick enough so he grips your hips and in one swift fast motion sheets his huge dick inside your tight cunt.
“Ahhh..-ah J-Joel what the fuck” you hiss slapping his chest hard for being so impatient.
He huffs “Sorry Baby but Daddy has waited long enough for Her, just shush.” He actually has the audacity to shush you.
You get used to the feeling of being so filled to the brim and slide back & forth for a moment.
Then you put your feet down flat on the couch and grip the headrest behind him before starting to fuck him in earnest. Up and down at first slowly but steadily you get quicker and harder. Joel can’t even speak unless you count his obnoxiously loud moaning and growling.
“Yeah how you like that old man, hmm Daddy you're all quiet this pussy shut you up good, huh?” You wonder and out of nowhere one of Joel’s big hands grips your throat making you slow your movements to a minimum. He pulls your face toward his and grunts “Baby Moon ya need to be put in your place, ya bratty ass is treading on some mighty thin ice.”
He gives you one hard peck and then shoves your face in his neck. You don’t complain, you love when he’s so rough with you and his musky masculine smell is your favorite.
Joel pulls his legs up and plants his feet on the couch just like you did and then he starts to relentlessly push up into you at an alarming speed so hard that if it weren’t for the arm pinning you to his chest you’d fall off.
“Jo-Joel….Joel it’s so good ah…don’t stop” you babble in his ear and opposite to his harsh pounding he soothes “Shhh Baby I know, I know it’s so much for ya and Her. But listen to how much she’s enjoying it.”
And he’s right besides the obscene “plap, plap, plap” of skin hitting skin you can hear the wet squelching from the place you're both connected. “I’m close baby, where?” He asks while slipping a hand between your bodies to touch your neglected clit and immediately your whiny moans get even louder “I-in…inside Daddy. Pleaseee cum inside me.”
You beg and he loves that “Hmm yeah, ya wanna be filled up Baby?” He questions “God yes Daddy fill me up, please pleasee” you want nothing more than to feel him spill inside of you.
Seems that when Joel told you he was kinda deaf in his right ear it wasn’t a lie or maybe the plan of making him so desperate to fuck you that he won’t hear the door unlocking worked out.
But you can hear the slight clicking and the closing of the door. Unlike what you expect she does not start screaming, no, she’s eerily quiet. Perhaps it’s due to not having realized who exactly you're screwing as if there’s no tomorrow or simple shock.
Joel under you seems to have reached his end and without any preamble he starts shooting his warm cum deep inside your tight hole. The warm sensation combined with his unrelenting rubbing your clit pushes you over the finish line too. With that you pull up from his neck and drag him up as well, crossing your arms around his neck and kissing him.
You know she is right there at the threshold, you don’t care and to rub it in even more you say “Thank you Daddy, I love you.” And as if he knows his role Joel answers “I love you too little Moon.”
And that might have been the final straw, she speaks up and it flips out into incoherent screaming. Joel is immediately startled; he lightly pushes you off, quickly tugging himself back into his jeans and getting up to explain. You however get up slowly and put your top and skirt back on.
With the lack of panties you can feel his spend leaking out of you and you’re sure there’s very evident stains on Joel’s jeans that your mother must see.
The back and forth they must be having doesn’t even register to you. The blissful buzzing from the orgasm and the satisfaction of having succeeded in hurting her are making you all dozzy.
But then she comes charging at you screaming in your face “You’re smiling, you think this is funny??? I knew you were a bitch who only ruins everything, you are a worthless piece of shit a absolute waste of space” she’s so hysterical but you don’t care, it’s good she’s showing her true colors for Joel to see.
She continues “You are disgraceful and shameful for the entire family. I want you out of the house now. You are dead to me.” She probably thinks those words could hurt but it’s nothing compared to all the horrible things she did in the past. You just smirk at her nodding which infuriates her more than any comeback could.
With that you slip past her, Joel looks completely stunned by what just unfolded before his eyes. You don’t acknowledge him much, quickly skipping up the stairs,entering your room, grabbing a suitcase and filling it with the most important items. Then shuffling out of your room locking it behind you. You heave the suitcase down the stairs, no sign of Joel all you can hear is her crying in the living room, it amuses you, not an ounce of sympathy left for her. You don’t bother saying bye just open the front door and out you are.
The surprise is waiting in front of the house, Joel, he didn’t leave but instead waited for you.
He looks at you “Did it mean anything to you at all, or was it just a big joke?” He doesn’t look hurt, just confused. You close the distance between him and you “I wish it wouldn’t but it’s not possible to not feel anything, look at you Joel you’re a so beautiful so caring of course I fell for you.” He nods and takes your suitcase out of your hand. “Wh..what are you doing ?” You question “I’m taking ya home Moon, think I’d let you run around these streets? Get in the car” he urges.
And you do, when he drives off you don’t look back once.
Npt: @joelmillerisapunk @aurorawritestoescape @milla-frenchy @joelslegalwhre @thundermartini @studioghibelli @sizzlingcloudmentality @vivian-pascal @strang3lov3 @xdaddysprincessxx @mountainsandmayhem @mrsmando @joelsgreys @janaispunk @sizzlingcloudmentality @the-mandawhor1an @clawdee @penvisions 🩶
Please don’t repost, copy, translate, or feed into any AI, thank you 🙏🏻
#Joel Miller#joel miller smut#joel miller one shot#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x f!reader#pedro pascal#pedro pascal characters#moms best friend!Joel#My Writing#Mina’s Writing
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