#I wish things could be easy for once
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#Sorry to vent here im just goin through such a bad time i dont know what to do anymore#If anyone is up i would appreciate talking a little bit#Im... So tired of everything going on#I wish things could be easy for once#I dont understand why its so hard to treat me with the kindness i give others for everyone around me#Im really just so defeated right now
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alola cafe guy is one of my favorite underrated pokemon characters and i'm not even joking
#“this milk is so mellow it'll make you wish your mother were a miltank” lives rent-free in my head#up there as one of the most insane pieces of dialogue in the entire series#i kinda wanna go through and record his response to every menu item at some point#could be a fun easy little thing once i beat the game#pokemon#pokemon sm#pokemon sun and moon#alola#koolmathgames.com
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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I'm really glad they added in an option to return wraiths to single player instances. I know it's not what the servers are for, but when I decided to make a character on Angmar I was hoping for wraiths to interrupt all sorts of interesting moments, as that sort of shenaniganery is what gets the fanfic gears grinding in my head best. And of course the most interesting moments in LotRO are pretty much all instanced.
Also the first time I ever soloed a wraith (before they removed them from solo instances) was in my first class quest solo-only instance. It actually got me at first, and I wasn't sure I could beat it, but it was so exhiliarating and fun when I did. It added a whole other level to the regular gameplay, where I ended up taking out a lot of the regular enemies first so I would have room to maneuver (hoping I wouldn't spawn another while I was at it. No cooldown either back then.) This sort of strategic thinking is not usually necessary to LotRO, even with landscape difficulty. I roleplay it when I play on my Hathellang clones, using the stealth attacks extensively, but even the class designed to be dependent on stealth can still barrel through dozens of enemies without touching the stealth skill if you're in a hurry.
Honestly it brought me back to when I first started playing LotRO and had no idea how to build a character, never leveled my virtues, and outleveled all my gear. Of course as I learned new things and corrected them on my character, things becoming easier was an excellent reward. But the gameplay also lost a lot as it became less challenging. I'm thrilled that this kind of challenge is slowly being implemented into the game intentionally, through landscape difficulty and now the Veil of the Nine stuff.
#lotro#angmarposting#its not that i think lotro is too easy of course. like even before landscape difficulty was a thing you could still curate your experience#by taking off gear#but its fun to have that difficulty option intentionally worked into the game#also i dont consider most tiered instances in this because you cant employ strategic thinking in a pug#nobody else is going to have the patience or time to figure out a new mechanic#maybe if i had a regular raiding group but alas all my friends are spread across many servers#thinking once again of moving leonys prime#i wish lotro would let you easily move a single character between servers
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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trying to tell other ppl about OCs is so hard and embarrassing, like yeah here's my automaton guy that I've been calling Empty Mask, yeah I nearly cried over the thought of him collecting broken porcelain dolls the other day, yeah he sounds kind of stupid but he's actually kind of a tragic character if u get to know his story,,,,,,
#I JUST FEEL SO STUPID TRYING TO EXPLAIN CHARACTERS TO PPL 😭😭#they always think empty mask is a weird silly name and it IS weird and kind of stupid fjfkdl#but its like. the cracked exterior shell of an automata and he's missing stuff behind the face shell.... THERES MEANING TO IT 😭😭#also its technically a placeholder name until he figures one out for himself once he finds a proper identity for himself...#BUT THE SAME THING WITH WARDELL#''yeah this is my guy who turns into a dog. um. the fae cursed him sort of and now he works for them? but he doesn't want to.#and he's... yeah u know what lets talk abt smth else actually'' DHDJDKL BLEASE i wish i was better at it#actually i could be better at it but i dont want to put effort into telling ppl stories if they dont care#and i cant tell if they care or not so i just give them a half-hearted explanation to judge their interest#and then ofc bc i do such a bad job then they aren't rly interested fhfkdl#but i AM a good storyteller if i actually put effort and heart into it 😭 I've been told many times how engaging i am w storytelling irl#i just. get scared to put effort into it LMAO esp when these stories Mean smth to me#i can tell someone abt when i had to try to cross paths w a black bear easy peasy bc thats just a thing that happened#but it doesnt Mean anything to me beyond it just being somewhat interesting#my characters though .... aaougghhh#dandy.cmd#vent //
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i just can't ever trust my feelings and opinions on anything because i'm always a broken clock and anything i say that ends up being right is completely divorced from the logic that took me there <3
#i wish friendships were like. a once a month type of event yknow#but then i'm not happy at home either lmao there's my parents there#and i don't know maybe i'm just kidding myself. maybe that's all there is. maybe there's no circumstances or anything#maybe the problem is just from within and no environmental change will improve anything#i wish there wasn't a mystery thing wrong with me that makes any kind of social interaction incredibly unenjoyable#i get an insta notif i want to bash my skull in with a brick#it's always like ''heyyyyyyyy do you want to meet in our free time? on our day off? meet meet meet?''#haha. sorry i thought i maybe could do smth with my free time one day. perhaps.#and it's not like. difficult but fun. it's not easy easy but it's fine. i'm just miserable the entire time except five minutes in the middl#where we take a little breather. and then it goes again.#anyway really fun being friend with mentally ill people. infuriating each other on the daily.#god. my friend said ''i worry abt pushing you too hard whenever i ask to hang out bc you don't say when it's too much''#bestie i love you you are pushing me too hard with more than one insta discussion a week#but yknow. i can't say that to people. it's just going to be hurtful.#broadcasting my misery#vent
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i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans
#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was#a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha''#yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans#i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that#but it's still a bit. hmmm.#also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute#i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way#but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my#wavy hair and slight babyface and round features#which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man#as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this#though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c#well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow#also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which#once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans#the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy#oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute#face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man#and i love that#but also one of these ppl is not cis#if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people#but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans#but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im#living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow#but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl.#anyways i dont want to ruin our broship#i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared#agh idk#leevi talks
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I always hoped we'd rot together, that the day the earth reclaimed my bones it'd be by the side of you. . . Maybe if I close my eyes and believe enough, it'll come true eventually. . .
#my art#own art#oc#ask to tag#wewo#ik I'm drawing wewo a lot rn but he's just become my comfort character atm#comfort character that I hurt and project all my hurts to <3#it hurts so fucking bad when you just want things to be okay for once and want to get a chance to breathe and then it just... ends up worse#a friend told me recently they didn't know whether I forgive people easily or if I'm impossible to get forgiveness from at all#and at this point I don't know either#I'm a puzzle even to myself at times and it's frustrating when at least I should know what's going on in my own head#to quote a great game#now all that remains are our regrets#and I have a lot of them for a lot of things#can never take back what happened but can at least try to look towards the future and make the best of whats to come#if I pretend enough maybe it never even happened and everything would be okay again#could have life back to normal again#it would be easy to just lay down and never have an opinion again and take the fall for everything like I've always done#depression is a vile thing that only ruins everything it touches and I wish I didn't have it
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really wanting it back & dragging its dead weight forwards today girlies 😭
#salisha speaks#gggrrrrr really wish i could turn my brain off . its hell in here#for once i would like things to be easy for me. but alas !
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The weirdest thing about recovering from a long (long) term depression is that even as you note your behaviour changing in specifics you have a weird cognitive dissonance about yourself in abstract. I was talking to my boss where I volunteer about the tutors kinda fucking over one of the uni students in my class and I was like "If it were me I'd be in the office every day. I'd be turning up in other people's classes to complain. That man would not get a moments rest." And my boss said "Yeah, you're a spitfire" Nobody has ever called me that in my life And while I was there describing how I would make my tutors life fucking MISERABLE if I was in that situation, and being able to start the description with the phrase 'you know what I'm like', my brain still bluescreened at the suggestion because it was like 'Spitfire? No I'm anxious and introverted'
#Sometimes it can be really funny - or eye opening - to hear how other people perceive you#It's so easy to have an image locked in and it really affects how you see yourself#I remember when I was suffering with an ED and was offered food I said something like 'I shouldn't give in - I do it too often'#And my friend looked me in the eye and said 'I wish you gave in too often'#And l had a sudden moment of clarity that this perception I had of someone who was constantly eating was wrong#And in fact it had been months since my last 'slip'#It was actually one of the things that helped once I started recovery. Knowing how wrong my perception of self and judgement could be
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I just saw some guy threaten some other guy in a spot-on Mickey Mouse impression???????
#And he just kept going and going 💀 I’m sure it was prolly a joke though cause they’re friends#Hngh. I need to work on my Donald one. I know how to make the noise I just need to learn how to form words and letters#Manipulating the air in your mouth sounds easy in theory but then once I got to the actual words I was kinda just like. Ah. I don’t#know what I’m doing. I’m working on it. The only thing I can say in his voice as of now is just “awawawawa” and a vaguely comprehensible#“hello.” I don’t know what I’ll use this voice for when I get the hang of it but It’ll be fun to use methinks#Whoof. Takes a whole lot of air#crisp talks#Rip kinda wish I could do a Mickey or Goofy impression but I don’t have the type of voice range for that. Pretty happy with just Donald#though. He’s my favorite of that trio#Shoutout to Donald fr#Squishing him into a ball and flushing him down the toilet (affectionate)
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Last reblog has me thinkin a lot about Kirby remakes. You have Kirby’s Adventure and NiD where the artstyle is so glaringly different between the two it’s like you have to choose a side. And from what I’ve seen the fandom tends to (intelligently) show favoritism towards the original NES look.
Then you have KSS and KSSU, the base of the last post, and I find the differences between the games to be slight yet substantial. Maybe I’m just blind and all 16-bit games look the same to me, but I couldn’t even tell the sprites were different the first time I played KSSU, but after actually playing KSS I could really feel the difference. The original has a much harsher and more gritty style, that I think a lot of people feel hasn’t aged well, but atleast I still think has tons of merit. For certain characters who need that darker or more expressive touch like Meta Knight and Marx I find the old sprites more flattering in a way. And I think the garishness of the pre-rendered backgrounds SHINES in Meta Knight’s Revenge because that sort of gross clash against the usual style is heightened for a mode about Meta invading with his war ship and foreign ideals.
But that actually brought me to our latest remake in RTDL DX. And like there is nothing really WRONG with the new style, it just makes me miss the wii game. The wii game looked basic in a really charming and balanced way that I think is lost in how bright and cell shaded the new game is. The worst sin being scenes that are meant to have more dynamic lighting - like inside Magolor’s ship or in the final cutscene as Another Dimension crumbles - where the more cartoony style just doesn’t gel. But like honestly, if it weren’t for very on the nose divisive stuff like Dedede’s redesign and the character outlines, it would be very hard to make a case for the merit of the original. Just cause to the average person in every sense of the world the new game looks like an upgrade graphically - Shinier, higher detail models, fancy new animations, and the ritz.
I hope over time people do come to really appreciate the wii version’s merit in it’s simplicity, mainly cause it’s another big comfort Kirby game so any change to it made in the remake rubs me the wrong way lmao. But also I do think it has some outside of my uber personal opinions.
#kirby#kirby's return to dream land#kirby's return to dream land deluxe#krtdl#krtdldx#kirby's adventure#kirby super star#shut the heck up#2am thoughts#i feel like even the series itself likes to give most credit to the originals so thats a nice thing to think about#i am also still salty about lore changes but i think those are also part of what i mean about the old games simplicity#magolor being from halcandra or not was like answered wholly by world building and envirornmental storytelling#but then the text says something that makes no gotdamn sense#and i mean i could have lived without mago epilogue BUT I DO LOVE IT DONT GET IT TWISTED#im really happy they chose to add on to that kinda plot hole#i just wish it left what was there in tact (merry magoland being ostensibly canon)#also ive mentioned the gameplay loop in the original is like really easy to just blast straight through#the new loop between magoland and the story mode is a bit more exhausting#once again its just like do i want the quick simple fix or the big meaty adventure#and idk sometimes i want the simple one#tag talking
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we have now reached the stage of family vacation where i have a meltdown
#mmmmmmm they were just straight up playing an antivax youtube video on tv . it took every ounce of my composure to not burst into tears on#The spot .Ive now gone to bed early so i can go cry very quietly upstairs in my bathroom#its just. it makes me insane my family is so fun and awesome until it comes to their politics !!!!!!!!!!#i try not to think about it very often .but sometimes im just hit fully with the fact that if they knew who I truly am .#there is a scary scary chance they would just never accept me.#its so easy for ppl to say oh if they wont accept you just walk out and leave they never really loved you anyway#but it’s so complicated in real life i cant just leave my family i love them !!!! they love me !!!!!they are all I have#and the thing is I never talk to them about this stuff .i have no idea how they would react and it is Scary#i ache with my whole being sometimes to just share everything with them. im so tired of secrets .it hurts I just wish i could just live#openly with them like some people do#but the possibilities and consequences are just far too grand for me for now#so I just live in this limbo. and I do a good job most of time ignoring the fact that I do#but sometimes (like tonight) it just hits me all once .the weight and burden of all that I hide from everyone.#pride month especially. it can be a very hard time for me#oh I think I hear ppl coming upstairs now gotta make it look like I haven’t been crying bc i do Not want anyone to ask .i will not be able#to answer without sobbing and I cant explain slash excuse my way out of this one without talking abt what’s really going on#And I don’t want to have that conversation for a Long time#ok byebye#kat post
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This website makes me feel lonely
#boiled electronics#yes. transfeminine people are the “common” trans people. the type everyone cares about#but still. this website uhh. yeah there's not a lot of us ive noticed#and yet the internet is like my only chance#I have not once in my life met another transfem#and it's like this on other websites too but. idk.#i know. this is a first world problem. this is a problem i only notice because i have easy access to food shelter education entertainment#but maybe its fine to an extent if im annoyed about one thing once#probably not. now im feeling suicidal#i wish i could just end it all
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