#I wish I didn’t hate my body
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Maybe I need to keep seeing them so that one day I’ll hear them say or do something bad and I can feel more justified for breaking off from them? Generally when I get mad at people it ends our friendship so maybe that’s why. Or maybe I need to learn this. Learn to be uncomfortable about how they live their lives and face the fact that people live like this and I need to chill out? Maybe I have to challenge my own perception of the world and learn from them? I know I’ll have to sit through so many sex joke, sex related talks and relationships and all the drugs and alcohol chat and learn that life isn’t a love song by TS and it’s complex and muddy and also very blasé and casual and whatever. I think I’d feel more comfortable talking to them if I had my own history of sex and dating or the same relaxed style of dating that they have but I don’t and I think that might be the biggest thing I’m pressed about. They don’t make me feel bad but idk how to contribute to the conversation and maybe that’s why I feel so out of place. I’m gonna die of embarrassment I swear! Maybe I am repressing my own sexual desires and hanging out w them will shape my idea of romance and I can just have one night stands and such??? Maybe I’ll start just learning how to casually date and not worry about long term?? Maybe I’d want to have a different guy every other night and it’s be fun and I can be this young and cool sexually active adult that I can tell my children about????? So I won’t be that boring adult who’s hyper cautious about everything?? Maybe I can live a fulfilled life this way?????
Who am I kidding--why am I here??? I regret trying to be friends w this guy! My stupid fucken brain!!!! I could have just been lonely and sad and cried in my room instead but nooo I had to put in effort to talk to him and I feel nothing BUT MISERYY!!!! Now I’m in too deep and I want to LEAVEEEE!!!
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I love being part of a system <- guy who hates being part of a system <- guy who loves being part of a system <- guy who hates being part of a system <- guy who loves being part of a system <- guy who
#osdd#did#system#HAVING A TIME EVERYONE#listen I fucking love my headmates but i fucking hate the constant confusion of identity and feeling like everyone can’t live a full life#and I love the wonderful conversations we have and the comfort of having the ability to leave any situation to someone better suited to it#but I hate not being able to walk away from fights or having a lack of privacy#and I hate how the others get so uncomfortable about looking in mirrors or seeing the body etc i’m really upset for them#but I love FEELING the joy radiate off sunny when someone mentions her to me and I love hearing jasper and phoebe bicker like siblings#and I love playing goddamn board games with these bitches#like man I wish I didn’t have goddamn trauma and dissociations and confusion and discomfort#but this is how I exist- how WE exist and I have a right to love how we experience the world#that’s enough tags haere ra motherfuckers#robin shut up challenge#syscourse blogs dni#please and thank you!!
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flippin boobahs!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#scott shriner#OKAH HI CHAT#i’ve been thinking#this tag will be just a rant not really weezer related#yk laufey ?#i was listening to her song ‘letter to my 13 year old self’ and just started overthinking about myself when i was younger#i just think about my younger self and get so sad thinking about her; i wish i could’ve done more for her#i was a huge introvert and talking to anybody made me super super anxious; so much so that my teacher noticed and had me join a ‘social#emotional learning’ group where we spoke about low self esteem and how to raise it and everything like that#i only left it in 8th grade because i didn’t wanna keep missing class for it; but it made me so sad to think i thought so low of myself#i would wear hoodies all the time and jeans because i used to hate my body a lot#which is awful to do in socal heat!#i think it started because in my family i was always stereotyped as the fat one; yk how mexican families are? they called me gordita for#the longest time; which made me incredibly insecure and only in 10th grade did i start showing my arms 😭 IK ITS DUMB BUT ITS SO WEIRD#i still can’t do it entirely; i’ll wear shrugs and things like that because i still am insecure about my arms sometimes but ive been better#i only really had one friend but she had a different lunch; so i was alone for most of the time on the swings by myself or sitting at the#lunch tables alone waiting for lunch to end and this noon duty came to me a lot and would talk to me since she felt bad i was always alone#while everybody else played with each other ; and i don’t know why i just broke down thinking about how lonely i was at the time#i’d go to the school’s friendship room everyday after that because it was just a teacher who let kids come inside her room to play games if#they didn’t wanna be in the heat and soon i became friends w the teacher and she’d play uno with me everyday; mainly because the room was#relatively empty until they got loom bands! and i was an expert on loom bracelets so i would help others make them and that was a confidenc#e boost; i remember being proud of myself for socializing like that LOL#i just get sad thinking about that time; i like to think that if little Lyss saw me; she would be so proud because i have friends;#a boyfriend ; good grades ; and i’m well liked and regarded. i hope she’s proud of my progress socially because it was such a leap#i wish i could go back in time and tell her how much better things get and how she won’t be lonely forever#…and to not online date. definetly don’t do that one.
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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my body hurts so fucking badly today. each minute that passes is a minute closer to going home and crying this out.
#just chronic pain things#I wish my body didn’t hate me so much#I wish it worked normally and correctly#this weather has done a number on me#and stress only makes it worse#I’m dying just to cry but I can’t let work smell blood in the water about anything#personal
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#I’m trying#I’m trying so fucking hard#but I haven’t felt this bad in such a long time#I want out#I want to sleep forever#I never want to wake up again#my body aches everyday#getting out of bed is so fucking hard#but I have no choice but to get up#even when my body feels heavy and I can barely move#I hate that I’m feeling like this again#I’m trying so fucking hard not to relapse#I don’t want anymore scars#but I keep thinking about it and it’s hard to keep my mind away from those thoughts#I’ve been shit with taking my meds recently too which obviously isnt helping#I just wish I didn’t exist
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eddie’s a skinny metalhead and skinny metalheads love curvy girls and chrissy has an ed and body issues and can see the beauty in all bodies but her own and would never body shame anyone and i think that’s neat
#text#eddie munson#chrissy cunningham#repost from my twitter bc i’m struggling y’all#that video/tweet body shaming the fans who met joseph rly got to me :(#i thought it didn’t and then today i found myself wishing they never do a con near me#bc i don’t want to take pics w them and see what i look like next to them#and have ppl say joe must hate his fans bc they’re fat and ugly or whatever#i know it’s not true and i hope he wouldn’t (idk him personally) and def not grace w her history of ed and being body shamed by the fandom#i’m just sensitive and this stuff gets to me sometimes#i just wanna live and not have my body be seen as such a failure and ugly and shameful#fat ppl aren’t embarrassments :(
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going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly
#i’ve never cared for the whole i wish i could see my younger self thing#because from where i was standing it was always still bad so thought why would i want to see them now#things are going to become very hard again very soon but last year was the best year of my entire life#i did something terrifying and then i claimed my life as my own#and a year later i have a car! and im driving! you can’t understand how impossible of a thought this was to me before#i live on my own and i’ve decorated my body and my bedroom and i can buy things i never thought id be able to own#i miss connecting with others my dash is a total wasteland now but i just#seriously cannot believe where i am right now. even though some things are still so screwed up and more screwed things are on the way#and i’m terrified of course. january is the perfect month to feel like ending it all. too much unknown#but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it#i’m not incredibly successful i’m not very interesting but im still so proud of myself somehow. even though i hate myself#it’s not as much as i used to. i appreciate myself more now and i can see how i needed me to get here. and im grateful for me#and for everything i have. i’m just speechless i can’t believe the life i currently have#i’m waiting to enter the era of travelling and intimate get together those areas are still slow coming#but if i could do this i can only hope and hope and squeeze my eyes tight to make them appear someday#i miss so many things but i don’t miss the old me. she sucked but she also cared and she’s still here in fragments#it’s strange to write this way i’ve never felt this sort of compassion before i was so so deeply depressed#it was inescapable and for good reason i don’t know how i made it through anything i’ve endured#i have to thank myself for always being too scared to die
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actually i’d like my brain to maybe not come up with dreams for a while🧍🏻
#my anxiety is so bad right now my dream had way too many things going on#and none of them were good things i fucking hated that shit dude#i can’t even describe things bc so much happened and explaining context and everything would take forever but i’m just like.#🧍🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻 now#also i was so stressed in my sleep i woke up Covered in sweat. like my entire body was Wet it was so Gross i hate it#sorta wish now that i didn’t call out yesterday and instead called out today but whatever
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there are very specific people in my irl life who can say the most innocuous things on earth and still make me steaming mad
#ooough we love venting#especially tag venting#auden.txt#it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to#these tags are not a place of honour—#i got told off for making tea too late at night#and it turned into a spiral about how much worse i’ve been doing since i started my job#and like. man. i. i resolve not to trust what i think about my life past 9pm bc it is not good up here rn#a toddler’s Big Feelings in a 20 something body. i never outgrew the me who thought i could compel ppl into liking me by dint of being#so good and perfect that they had no choice#but now the more i do. work and study and hobbies and and and#the more is expected? and i’m just not learning to keep up#i miss my fucking mom i wish we got along like we used to when i was little but i’m just an asshole now and i hate being told what to do#i wish i didn’t need so much fixing.#there’s not even anything wrong just a creeping sense of dread. like heading jaws music in a sunny meadow#i wish people wouldn’t bring up my mental health to imply i’m crazy#i wish it didn’t scare me to seriously consider it#although i did once tell a friend that i felt like. there would be nothing to write in my obituary? bc i had lived such a disconnected life#like some fuck who died far away from home#jesus. i’m going insane. it’s fucking bedtime it’s been bedtime for ages.#things will be better when it’s light out
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annual realization where this gas station’s operations and my life owe it all to visualive i’m serious
#kommento#// thinking if i should put all my thoughts in the body of the post instead of tags like these but oh well it’s a quirk of mine#// friendship is so important to me cca is so important to me that one skit with that mention of cca is SO IMPORTANT TO ME friendship is so#// without vl i would have never think of adachi as affectionately as i do right now like no dojima hangout times are going to save me in#// any alternate timeline there’s no going back#// i would still love mimi yes but just in a different flavor#// i really don’t how how to describe that fork in the road but yeah i just /waves hands around/#// unlike most adachinators i develop adachis super weak and sad sympathy and basic morality with a gas station attendant instead#// of detective yaoi and family fun times#// you thinking adachi would win the idgaf war but those two skits in vl blow that all out of the water#// i mean there’s the rest of the game but like i commit favoritism crimes okay#// LITERALLY JUST TOSS HIS SOCIAL LINK AWAY for a second think about what adachi is think about him in the ps2 context#// LITERALLY JUST READ THE MANGA PLEASE i’ve had my theories tested and confirmed on how much you can care about tohruadachi#// at the bare minimum information you have on him and experiencing him as organically as possible IN THE ORIGINAL NON GOLDEN CONTEXT#// you could even go through the drama cds and see how genuine of an adachi he is like seriously forget the golden era and fanservice#// get bancho out of the equation and think about who is right now at that moment#// okay i’m tired now i’ll stop here but i wish people could just enjoy adachi more without the sentiment hes a fuckable antagonist#// dont romanticize his emptiness and hate for the world Like That but rather as human as he already is before you learn he’s a pawn for god#// adachis a special character to me genuinely i wish i could talk about him more often if i didn’t have chronic Not Like Other Girls diseas#// such a fun brain excercise sometimes just wish that i wasn’t poisoned by fandom and that fact they gave him a rep like this that makes me#// so embarrassed or even ashamed to say his name out loud and admit i like him#// LIKE close your eyes and forget hes the villain and he’s the murderer just look at him and think how and why he’s a fucked up guy underne#// underneath the goofball facade he pulls. now think and wonder how much of a genuine goofball he is#// it’s like thinking about ichinose except everyone else is a mysoginist that’s why they take don’t take her seriously#// okay adachi tag most used tag blogger is signing out goodnight guys mwa
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manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs
#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly#also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday#was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled#6:13???#then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything#so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs#and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor#i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk#and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years#i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly#so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again#i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to#i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone#they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday#they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words#i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone#meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs#i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her#“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’#i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again#i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again#ooos im crying again lol#im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child#23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol#i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t#i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol#pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid#drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem#i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like#i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive
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Day whatever it is recap!
#📸#I think it’s day five maybe#also I’m at my brothers school for the last time ever :/#probs the last time I’ll ever step into a college dorm again tbh#and I got one last shower in the dorm bathroom which is always good bc if I’m seeing my brother chances are I’ve at very least spent three#hours in a car to get to him#so a shower is nice especially bc I was like panic attack sweaty. tmi? maybe.#I didn’t really do a lot today#at least not postable stuff#a lot of hanging out with family and Millie and being tired and kind of miserable but also daydreaming about any other shit in my life#idk. it all feels weird rn. all of it. and my brain is nagging me saying you’re being/doing x y z for attention even when I’m not telling#anyone shit im doing or thinking or anything and my brain is still like nah. you’re jealous of your brother graduating and not being home#at the end of dads life and at the same time you feel stressed and guilty and feel bad about him not getting closure#but at the same time you just wish you didn’t see his fucking body on the ventilator and all the IVs and the bloat and the popped blood#vessels and the nurses and doctors and knowing they did cpr so much if he even survived he would be miserable and have broken ribs#fuck. I want to be home and alone and crying about this all by myself alone. I hate this I hate this I hate this I want to go smoke a cig#but this is a no smoking campus ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I am miserable and this is supposed to be this big fun#thing for my brother and I feel selfish and stupid for having feelings and letting myself get upset about my dad but my fucking mother#made some sign to put in an empty chair for my dad and she brought his jacket he wore all the time and I started crying when I saw and then#immediately after we had to go see his parents and my grandfather is falling apart and reminds me of my dad in the hospital and I’m just so#miserable and between horrible thoughts and self harm and everything I’m keeping to myself I am just thinking about how this is so bitter#sweet for my brother like he’s graduating with his friends and then moving away from them all to a place where it’s just all about dad being#dead and he doesn’t like Florida really and he’s gotta start his grown up life (technically he has two more classes online and he’s getting#a blank diploma tomorrow but yeah. things are rough and my body hurts and stress is so bad for me and my chronic pain and I feel like I went#from the most relaxed and comfortable and happy I’ve been in a year to feeling like hell on earth and I feel like I’m bringing down every#one else’s mood but like hello why are we pretending any of this normal thid can’t be real this can’t be real this can’t be real I don’t#want this to be reak I want it to be fake it has to be fake please please please wake up tomorrow and have it be a year ago please#I miss my father and I hate myself and violent thoughts are taking over my mind and I hate it all but things were so good literally up until#I saw my mom and grandparents#my brother was so nice when it was just us too (and later I just mean before mom got here specifically he was still nice to me)
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what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!
#local girl forced to deal with everything on its own due to incompetency of parents 5 dead 24 injured.#I’m all of the ppl who were harmed. i am. i just wish I could ask someone about things and get a good answer#that didn’t make me feel like. well. you know. but yeah.#and then INVITING THEMSELVES UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY.#like. yeah I don’t have plans and I won’t have friends up there yet but also. maybe ask me first instead of just deciding 😔#but also I might not even be able to do any of that bc ! none of this might happen!#bad things just keep happening and it keeps making me just. want to quit the whole process and stay here and give up#but I already bought the car so now I have to commit and just. yeah. yeah. i wanna scream#i am trying to vent less on the internet but also there is nowhere else to put this!!!!! i don’t have ppl to vent to so now this is my diary#but yeah. I’m just. going crazy. i know I should be doing my own research but also god would it kill you to even try.#like literally no effort has ever been made to help me it’s just an afterthought of like oh have you thought about x when I thought abt x#like weeks ago. and it’s always been this way. or me going yes I’ve thought abt x and them going oh good and then not offering any more help#i would just like to be given proper guidance once in my life. just once.#that didn’t feel like ripping my heart and all my guts out of my body. like just once in my life yk is it too much to ask for#but no I’m the only one with any fucking vision around here and I hate it so much#whatever. it’s fine. I’ll suffer through another day tomorrow. its fucking fine.
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I’m so tired
#emotionally and mentally. not physically#I didn’t get a moment of rest all summer and now I’m expected to go in for another school year like nothing happened#for an extra hard program too because my dad hates me#I’m left with no capacity for anything at all#I haven’t drawn in days#I said I was gonna go eat an hour ago and don’t have the strength to get up#my whole body is constantly hurting in one way or another and it’s clearly its way of yelling at me to rest#but I can’t. I’m not allowed to#and I’ve been on the verge of a breakdown for two weeks that I can’t ignore but also can’t force into happening#it will just catch up to me one day when I least expect it#on one hand I wish it would just happen already so I can move on#on the other I’m not ready. I can’t fucking handle it#I wish time would stop so I could catch my breath at least a little#I need a break so fucking badly#but then again#what use would a break be if everything will return to the way it is once it’s over?#I guess I just wish the universe was a little kinder to me and stopped kicking me when I’m already down#don’t I deserve at least that small amount of decency#ughhhhh#I could go on such a long rant rn but honestly I don’t have the strength to#would probably just end with me spiralling anyway#better to avoid that#for the sake of my poor nerves if nothing else
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