#I was stuck on the country because I myself am Italian so I understand the culture better and I even went to Italy when I was younger

[pestercide]

YIPPEE MORTIS ANGST!!! :D

HELLO you want to see my poor son suffering,, Enduring the worst times of his life,, Dealing with everything he was put through on his own cuz he had literally NOBODY to go to

Because if so...

So do I lol

[cleliacleliadatura]

What makes a Muse, a Muse?

In 2012, I was still so sheltered in my worldview. I was not yet fully cognizant of the hypocrisy some of my comfortable lifestyle symbolized to other perhaps more materially, not spiritually, fringed divisions of people in the world both at home and abroad. For some people, it doesn't bother them, they see it as a rite of their existence-a birth right born on the labour of their ancestors and parents-subsequently or independently by their own merit. I am not capable of seeing it this way because I always felt temporary in my existence of me, as if this were but a fleeting glimpse in the span of a thousand lifetimes. Misguided? Perhaps, but that is me.

I cannot help it, or perhaps a part of me refuses to in the name of respect for all life.

I'm not that Italian, perhaps culturally, but genetically not so. Truly an American Mutt with speckles of European countrysides dotting my DNA matrices all over. Am I interested in this from a eugenicist point of view? No, merely to wonder where do I really belong. I've always felt one foot in the door to another place, perhaps a reflection of my Nonno's constant lamentations at the age of 79. "I've got one foot in the grave" he used to tell his grandchildren at dinner time, in America. He found his final resting place on a peninsula in Virgina to escape the corruption of Italy he experienced as a chemist crossing the Iron Curtain for work. His stories to me in broken english stuck with me, his frustration at me not understanding Italian a source of anguish. He used to look at me with clouded green/gray eyes and point to his head and say something to the effect of "Can you understand my mind"?, tapping to the center of his forehead. When I'd look at him confused, he'd get upset-as if there was a message he needed to share with too little time to embed. Then he'd ask me questions like, draw me a picture of a town? Where would you put the water, the mill for grain, the hospital? Thankfully there was the green room, dish network and Formula Uno to keep his mind at bay from all the words left unsaid to the anger he felt towards his native country, Italy. A favorite story of mine he told me is his experience as a young man in the Italian military, of tossing a grenade haphazardly behind him and being expelled from training-which led him to his desired path of chemistry, metallurgy and the steel industry.

Neither here nor there....not really belonging to one area or zip code. A citizen of the world, he used to say.

In this damned study abroad, the one I keep referencing as if it's my end all be all, because in some ways it kind of was, according to the Mayan timeline at least-I saw myself through the eyes of the Roma gypsy camps set beside the markets in Turin. Gypsy, a word we are not supposed to utter. When traveling, people have a picture perfect idea in their head of where they may be going, especially if it's for a vacation or if they've never been anywhere else before....The reality is no matter where you go, there is always a reminder, either visually or energetically, that nothing is as it seems or was.

The fruit of today is hardly ever won from the labor of yesterday upon solely the backs of natives. In real time, we see the impact of last year on today, the ripple effects of centuries upon any given community-some more contentious and fraught with painful inequalities than others.

I thought to myself that without the benefit of mere association, my life circumstance would be no better off or worse than any one given person or people I had observed or read about. And in all truths, when I cut off those ties for some periods of time, it was if hell on earth were real. A hell of perpetual indebtedness to lack of availability, of a daily existence with limited resources. Always, ultimately, at the expense of someone else and the guilt that all the dependency of mere existence entails. Another mouth to feed, another life to breed.

Why should I be able to have a nice espresso and breakfast that morning when some people were living in tents and begging for change? My mother would tell me about her train rides from Terracina to Rome as a child, the fake ticket checkers who would leave cards on the passengers tables. If you picked them up or touched them, they'd convince you that you owed them something-a trick. Was it a trick, or a desperate attempt at survival? Who was anyone to judge? As a student on a study abroad the people I met in a Northern Italian metropolis, the same region my mother's ancestry was persecuted in the past-even my namesake Clelia, imprisoned centuries before- felt like a necessary homecoming of unanswered questions personified to explore. Feelings of persecution or tension exemplified in modern times a thousand times over in just one simple exhange at the market, haunting to some...nothing to others.

When I was there, I spoke to someone who told me she was a real "gypsy", a word not to use lightly. She beckoned me over to their enclave and I went inside, with my bag of rhubarb and cherry tomatoes, a jar of pesto. Why did I follow?

How strange that as a child, a cat we adopted I wanted to name Gypsy from the start, from the heart of a 5 year old, was the source of all my future love and respect for the animal kingdom-perhaps a glimpse into a future as yet untold. With no intent of degradation, it came to me without knowledge of what it meant or if it bespoke betrayal and persecution, countless past hurts and unwarranted pain and isolation... many lifetimes of lost yearnings for breaths of oxygen free of taxed antagonization.

Perhaps a muse is the direct opposite of who we perceive ourselves to be but in fact are of the same soul fabric, and that's what makes them special-because they are only different in appearance and manner-but the soul beams for the same spirit and love. A clause to the pause of our cause.

A muse has certain traits or characteristics, from my own limited experience as a photographer or even observing other more seasoned photographers, with a worldview more trained in travel than my own timeline:

A muse does not give away directly that they are aware of being a muse.....they do not give away with words the fact they know the light is shining on them, they just are. They exist, they do what they do, and that's what makes them so special.

A muse finds a way to run through your head, there's something about them you can't quite label or figure out, perhaps something unattainable. It's only human nature to revere or pay attention to what seems a world apart.

A muse is confident, perhaps not obviously so but they are, in fact, very sure of who they are, what they do, and maybe for some, aware of what they represent to the observer.

A muse is more than an object to portray or develop as a photograph, they are a unique and irreplaceable glitch in the matrix of the seers and onlookers, a muse represents what makes this world special.

Most likely, a muse is on a mission and you're not part of it. This mission is to change the world somehow. To free it from past chains that were meant to be broken.

Perhaps I was born never to be a victor, but merely a witness to the righteously victorious.

A past lifetime promise.

To be a steadfast witness and supporter.

Or is it a lie?

An older woman once told me, don't forget your lifetime laurels....

[ragingbookdragon]

History In the Making PT. 2

Jason Todd x M!Reader

Word Count: 1.6K Warnings: None

Author's Note: It's about the set-up! Enjoy! -Thorne

**********************************************************************

Jason leaned up against the brick wall of the bar, half nervous and ready to bolt, the other half bored. What a unique combination of feelings. He thought to himself, wondering how he let the man from last night talk him into a date the night after. Roy certainly hadn’t been a ‘good ole country boy’, but Jason knew from some stupid songs that country split across the U.S.

What bothered him even more was that for some reason, the man’s demeanor and dress didn’t bother him. Which was odd because if Jason had saw anyone else in faded denim jeans, a button-down work shirt, and a pair of steel toed work boots, he’d have laughed hysterically.

Low and behold though, he was enamored by (Y/N) the second he stepped between Jason at the bar, even more so when he’d gently, but firmly pushed him back down into his seat and asked Jason to let him handle the disturbance. Not many people would’ve done that. Most in fact, would have turned the other cheek and let it happen, but not him.

“Jason.”

He looked up from his phone and smiled at (Y/N) coming towards him. “Hey (Y/N). For a moment, I was worried you weren’t gonna show.”

(Y/N) shook his head. “Sorry, my schedule this mornin’ got messed up and I’ve been runnin’ a little late.” He offered Jason an apologetic look. “I hope my tardiness hasn’t put you off.”

Jason chuckled. “Man, you’ve gotta give the gentle-manliness a rest sometime.”

“So, givin’ this to you isn’t wanted right now?” he questioned, holding up a single red rose and Jason’s eyes widened. “Too early for romantic gestures?”

He took the flower and smelled it, feeling a flush creep up his cheeks. “No, it’s…I forgot that guys are typically the ones who give flowers.” He couldn’t help but smile. “It’s different to be on the receiving end.” The second the words left his mouth, (Y/N) cocked a brow and he spluttered, “T-that’s not what I meant! I just meant that I’ve never been given flowers before and—I’m going to stop digging myself in deeper.” he muttered and (Y/N) chuckled lowly.

“No, please keep diggin’. It’s amusing.”

Jason glared at him though it wasn’t as fierce as it could’ve been. “Jerk.”

(Y/N) winked and shoved his hands in the pockets of his corduroy jacket. “Wanna get going? Isaia closes the store around nine-thirty.”

“Yeah, lead the way.” Jason replied, keeping in step with him as they turned the corner of the end of the street.

“Now, I do have to warn you that this place looks like a hole in the wall, but it’s the greatest pizza you’ll ever eat in your life.”

“Is it made by an authentic Italian man whose grandfather came to the Americas in the twenties and has been running this shop since then?”

“Well aren’t you right on the money,” he teased and nodded. “Tony’s family came to New Jersey in nineteen-twenty-one and opened the shop a few years later. They make pizza, pasta, anything and everything Italian cuisine.” He groaned. “It’s the greatest food you’ll ever eat if you’re never able to get to Italy.”

(Y/N) made a turn down a particularly dark alley and Jason couldn’t help but feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when he followed, watching as he stopped at a door on the side of the building and pulled it open.

Immediately, he was hit by the mouthwatering scent of fresh garlic and bread and his stomach rumbled as he inhaled deeply. “Holy crap.” He breathed and (Y/N)’s face broke in a smile.

“Told you.” He gestured to the building. “After you.”

Jason stepped through the doors and was met by an older woman who looked him up and down with a curious expression until he felt (Y/N) behind him peering over his shoulder, and then she smiled. “Mio caro!” she greeted, pulling him into a hug, and Jason almost laughed at how (Y/N) practically towered over her. “It’s so good to see you!”

He laughed. “It’s good to see you as well, Signora Matteo. How’ve you been?”

Pulling away, she waved. “Isaia has driving me up the wall!”

“So, no different than normal?” he teased, shying away when she whacked his stomach.

“Asino,” she hissed, then glanced at Jason. “Who is this (Y/N)? Is he your amore?”

(Y/N) sighed. “You gonna ask that for every guy I bring here?”

She scowled. “You never bring anyone here! How am I supposed to know!” whacking him, she said, “Go! Siediti al tuo tavolo!”

He obeyed, though he was still chuckling when he sat down, Jason taking the seat across from him. “You seem to get along with them well,” he remarked and (Y/N) nodded.

“When I first got up here in Gotham, I didn’t really know anybody. Isaia and Gabriella were kind enough to let me hang around and fix up any problems they had with machines here.”

“You’re a mechanic?” Jason asked.

“Handyman is probably the better term,” he replied. “I went to an applied technology school right outta high school and learned mechanical maintenance electrical and instrumentation.” (Y/N) cleared his throat. “My papa used to run a garage when I was a kid too, so I helped out ‘round there.”

Jason hummed. “So, you’re just an all-round knower of machines, huh?”

He smiled. “I try to pick up skills where I can. Helps with the resume.” Nodding at him, he inquired, “What do you do for a living?”

“I travel a lot. Freelancing work.”

(Y/N) could understand that Jason was being cagey with his answer, but he let it go, not wanting to dig where he wouldn’t get. “Do you work for a secular company or multiple?”

He nodded. “Both. Though I work for Wayne Enterprises a lot.”

“No kidding!” he exclaimed. “I ran into Mister Wayne this morning!”

Jason blinked. He hadn’t been expecting his father to run into (Y/N) anytime soon. Not in this big city. “Really now? What happened?”

“Oh, he had some car trouble. A bad spark plug and a ruined belt.” He handed Jason the menu. “Gave him an address for an older man I worked for a year or so ago that’ll fix him up in no time.” He smiled. “Mister Wayne was a wonderful man to meet. He was absolutely polite the entire time and even tipped me for taking time to look at his car.”

“How much?” Jason knew Bruce probably gave him at least two hundred.

“Two hundred dollars.” He shook his head. “I tried to give him the money back, but he just wouldn’t hear it and insisted I keep it. Even asked me for one of my business cards.”

“You’ve got business cards?”

(Y/N) shot him a look. “You don’t?”

“Touché,” Jason retorted with a grin and Gabriella came back over with two wine glasses and a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

She poured the glasses half full and said, “I put in your order already. It’ll be ready soon.” And she was off again, leaving (Y/N) amused and Jason rather confused.

“Does she do that often?”

“What? Bring your wine and tell you she ordered for you?” (Y/N) smirked. “Only for the customers she likes.” He grabbed the wine stem and raised it to his nose, inhaling deeply. “If I had to take a guess, she probably put in an order for margherita pizza. Pinot Grigio pairs well with that pizza.”

“You know wine?” Jason raised the wine glass to his nose and smelled before tasting it. “It’s dry. But good.”

“It’s surprising that a southern man knows wine, but how do you know wine, Jason?”

He chuckled setting the glass down. “My dad is…influential with big cities. I grew up attending galas.”

“Are you and him close?”

“Not…as much as we probably could be.”

(Y/N) nodded with a knowing look in his eyes. “I know what you mean.”

“Telling me the fruity southern man has daddy issues?” Jason quipped.

He barked a laugh. “Oh, the biggest.” He shot Jason a glance. “Something tells me you got ‘em too.”

“Ah, we all wish our relationships with our fathers could be perfect, huh?”

“Cheers,” (Y/N) agreed, raising his wine glass to clink it with Jason’s.

***

“And I told Tucker that he could either get out and push or we’d be stuck in the mud until his daddy came with a chain and his truck.” Jason buried his face in his hands and laughed, bending over the railing and (Y/N) watched him with a grin of his own on his lips. “Ah, you should’ve seen the two of us when we got back to his mama’s house. Covered head to toe in mud and chiggers.” He shook his head. “I took three showers that night.”

Jason turned his head and looked at him, tears in his eyes. “How many ticks did you get?”

(Y/N) groaned, pressing his forehead into Jason’s shoulder. “So many in so many unsavory places.” The two of them fell back into laughter, practically falling into each other as they did.

A few moments later, they were staring out at the water, the moon high in the sky. “I had fun tonight, Jason.” He said quietly. “A lot of fun.” Taking a leap of faith, he reached over and took Jason’s hand. “I’d like to do it again…if you wanna.”

Jason gazed at their hands, silent for some time, then he nodded. “…Yeah…I’d like to do this again too.” He glanced at (Y/N). “Say…next Friday morning? Brunch?”

(Y/N) smiled. “That sounds wonderful.”

[ssa-dg]

Walls are Built to be Knocked Down

Overview: this takes place in season 7 episode 2. You joined the BAU after the death of Emily and JJ’s departure. However when they both come back, everyone is shook up.

TW: mentions of drugs, murder, rape (it takes place in the episode). Adult themes

Relationship: Spencer Reid x (female) reader

Word count: 3352

Author’s note: so I have been wanting to write another short story about Spencer but couldn’t get myself to do it. Glad I got inspired by episode 2 of season 7. This is when Spencer is still mad at JJ about Emily. The unsub is the one who is neuro-divergent and is obsessed with his brother’s wife. If you have any suggestions on how to write a better Spencer Reid, I would love that. I struggle with writing an accurate Reid because he is supposed to be so smart and I’m the type of person who has been told she’s “dumb” so it’s an insecurity of mine. Give me advice if you have any just be nice. P.S. the formatting on this is so weird. I don’t have my laptop rn because it’s getting fixed and the mobile version of this app sucks lol

You and Spencer were never really good friends. You two were good coworkers and you always got along well, but it took Spencer a lot to let people behind his wall. So when you joined the team from the whit collar unit, after Emily’s death. You could tell everyone on your new team was grieving, and because you didn’t know them all that well you didn’t pry. Though slowly each member let things slide to you about their grieving. You didn’t expect that to happen but you weren’t surprised. You were always a reliable person, old friends would come out of nowhere just to talk to you about their problems, or random people in cabs, on the subway, etc. You just had that air about you, one that was dependable, nonjudgmental, and understanding. Your family called it your superpower.

So when Emily turned out to be alive and JJ and Hotch knew the whole time, the team was stunned. You didn’t fully comprehend the travesty of what they went through but you understood the pain and relief that accompanied them. Knowing they probably had 100 million different conflicting emotions swirling in them you suspected they’d be going through “it” the next months.

As JJ walked into the BAU with Prentiss talking about how she had passed all the qualifications to finally become a profiler, JJ saw Spencer come out of the elevator. “Hey, where have you been?” JJ asked him, “I wanted to do brunch this weekend”

“I had to deal with some stuff with my mom,” he flipped through the pages in a file to avoid eye contact with his friend, “have you seen Y/N?” he finished.

“Uh, she’s at her desk I think,” Spencer sped off to your desk. “He hates me,” JJ finished.

You sat at your desk looking over case files when Spencer came rushing up to you. “Hey, Y/N,” he greeted you and looked around.

“What’s up?” You asked expecting there to be a reason he came to your desk.

“Nothing just wanted to say hi,” he saw JJ and Prentiss go into the round table room.

“Well, hi,” you laughed and followed his gaze to your two co-workers. “Ahh, I see,” you said out loud.

His head looked down at you,” what do you mean ‘ahh, I see,’?” He was obviously annoyed by your statement.

You raised your hands up in surrender, “nothing, nothing. Shall we go?” You stood up and tilted your head towards the conference room. He nodded his head.

When you guys walked in and you went to sit in an open seat next to Morgan, Spencer lightly grabbed your elbow and pulled you the opposite way and had you sit between him Emily and JJ. You just looked at him knowing what he was doing. Although you gave him a glare to indicate you didn’t like being manhandled by him, you secretly enjoyed it. You were unsure why it did it but it created a feeling in you that you were not ready to associate with your coworker. He just gave you a bit of a ‘don’t-say-anything’ glare and looked back down at the file. You rolled your eyes and felt Prentiss looking at you. You shrugged your shoulders as if to say ‘I don’t know why he just did that’.

In walked Rossi and Garcia, “look master of all things Italian, I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend and I must serve the beautiful food of his country.” Garcia insisted.

“Maybe you should show a Disney movie and stick with burgers,” Rossi responded, still a bit offended by the pig substitute.

“You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson,” Derek suggested.

“I could help,” you spoke up from across the table. Everyone looked at you confused, “You all act like I’m not Italian. I used to go back there every summer to visit my extended family,” you rolled your eyes and defended yourself.

“Oh my gosh that would be amazing. That would be like- that would be like the iron chef meets the BAU,” Garcia looked back and forth between you and Rossi. You felt Spencer’s eyes on you and looked at him. His scrunched up eyebrows and set jaw told you that he didn’t know that about you or maybe he forgot. You just smiled at him, and tilted your head like it was nothing.

“And we could do it at your house,” Garcia looked over at Rossi.

“I don’t have a house. I have a mansion,” he laughed.

“All right let’s get started,” Hotch instructed.

Everytime JJ talked at the round table, Reid couldn’t even look at her. He kept his gaze down and you saw the muscle in his jaw bone tighten as he clenched his it. The victims were girls who all looked the same, helping a bit to narrow down the victimology. The dump sights also helped narrow down the geographical, although nothing was ever set in stone right off the bat. Everytime Spencer spoke you could tell there was hidden meaning beneath it all directed towards JJ.

On the jet you dug in deeper into the case. You started to notice Spencer stuck close to you, as if you were an extra layer of shielding from JJ. He sat next to you and when JJ spoke he’d either look down at the files in his hands or at your files in your hand. “Dave you and I will talk to the parents.Y/LN head over with us to the police station, and get us set up. Go over what they have and talk to the detectives. Morgan and Prentiss go to the disposal sites. JJ, you and Reid to the abduction sites,” Hotch ordered. JJ gave a soft smile to Spencer and you felt him tighten up next to you, and look away from her. Her smile faded into concern and annoyance and looked at you for help. You just shrugged unsure how to help.

Once you collected all the information on the crime board at the station you helped out Hotch and Rossi at the coroner's office. Then you got the call that there was a third victim. There he burned the woman’s tongue with sulfuric acid. As you, Rossi, JJ, and Reid looked over the body. The quips JJ and Reid were throwing at each other was escalating quickly.

“— instead of dealing with it. He’s acting out,” JJ looked up at Reid as she spoke about the unsub but also meant it for Reid. If looks could inflict pain, the look Reid responded to JJ with would have seriously injured her. Spencer walked off in anger. JJ looked around for help, or maybe back up. You looked at her giving her ‘I’ll take care of it’ look and went after Spencer.

Once you caught up to him and tried to talk to him he wasn’t having it. He quickly dived into perfecting the profile and ignored all conversation about anything else. He was reinforcing the walls he built around himself.

Now back at the station, you all delivered the profile to the police force. Spencer was still not looking at JJ.

Once the profile was delivered Spencer went into the room where the BAU was working out of, JJ following him.

“Spence. Look we gotta talk about this,” JJ insisted.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he responded.

“I get it, okay? You’re disappointed with the way we handled Emily,”

“Listen I have a lot going on alright,”

“You know what I think it is, you’re mad that Hotch and I were able to hold our micro-expressions at the hospital. And you weren’t able to detect our deception,” JJ finally getting angry and defending herself.

“You think it’s about my profiling skills? Jennifer, listen the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you. I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend,” the tears beginning to well in both of their eyes, “and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

“I couldn’t,”

“You couldn’t or you wouldn’t,”

“I couldn’t,” she shouted and defended herself.

“What if I started taking dilaudid again. Would you have let me?” he asked.

“You didn’t,” she answered, confused why he was asking.

“Yeah, but I thought about it,” he confessed, and hurt even more that she didn’t realize how low he actually was during that time.

“Spence,” she called out as he tried to walk away, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late, all right?” He walked away from her.

“Reid,” Emily called for him and looked back at JJ.

You followed Spencer out the door. You knew it was risky to seek him out right now but you couldn’t help yourself. You had to try and help him. You couldn’t explain the pull he had on you right now but you usually followed your instincts and they hadn’t let you down yet.

“Spencer, wait up,” you tried to catch up to his long strides.

“Are you here to tell me off, or ask me to apologize to JJ? Because if so, don’t waste your breath. I’m not going to,” he angrily twirled around to you, which made you stop yourself before running into him.

“I wasn’t — I wasn’t going to say that. I know why you’re mad. And I think the way your acting is justified, maybe a bit immature but it’s justified,” you answered.

Spencer looked confused at your response then angrily he said “why am I acting this way then? Why am I so justified?” He was testing you in some way. If you said the wrong thing he’d yell at you too, and he would build that wall around himself so high no one would ever be allowed in again. He was hurting and right now he felt like hurting others was the only way to feel like he was in control.

“You feel betrayed. You understand why Emily had to fake her death. You understand why no one on the team was allowed to know but you don’t understand why JJ was in on it and how she kept her cool. You don’t understand how she could watch your heart break over the loss of a loved one and stand there with the knowledge to save you from all your grieving. JJ is your best friend, you trust her and love her. And best friends are supposed to help take away the pain, and you feel betrayed and taken advantage of because of that,” you finished. You could tell by the look he gave you that the wall he was building was not prepared for you to hit it so hard it cracked. His face went from openness and feeling seen, to defensive and angry at you not giving him a reason to yell at you. “You want her to understand and feel the pain she caused you. which might be why you are acting out? But when the time comes you’ll forgive her because you know deep down what you need JJ and her friendship and eventually you’ll remember all she did for you. Right now you’re hurting, but the way you get rid of that pain isn’t about being mean or hurting her, you’ll need to remember your love for your friend. And find it in yourself if you can forgive her. Am I right?” You asked him, but you already knew the answer. He let out a sigh and looked down at you. He looked at you for the first time in all his time of knowing you. You understood what he was going through more so than his closest friend, and even more so than some of his teammates who had known him for years. How could he have overlooked you for so long. He quickly looked down at your lips and the tension between you two changed. The breathing between you two became heavy and noticeable. He turned quickly and stormed off.

Eventually you all caught the unsub and saved the young girl. This time on the plane though Spencer sat in the back. He spread his stuff across the table indicating he didn’t want anyone to sit there. You took the hint, and even though you had never been close to Spencer other than him using you today for an emotional defense, you felt a coldness being away from him. A coldness, you didn’t even want to know where it would lead you.

Emily walked back to him after a short time on the plane. You could tell what she was doing and thought it was a good idea. You looked at them and analysed their behaviors. You saw the shift in them as Emily laughed for a second and from the back of Spencer you saw him move in his seat to avoid the subject. Emily leaned in as she began to explain her side of what had happened. Spencer was still mad, but by the way his shoulders sloped he was more tired than angry.

You got dressed up in one of your favorite black dresses with knee high black boots and a fancy long coat. As you pulled into the parking lot, you were a bit self conscious about what you were about to do.

You walked up the steps, found the door you were looking for, and knocked lightly. You heard some shuffling around and then heard the door unlock.

“Hey,” you spoke softly as you took in Spencer standing before you. He quickly looked you up and down and smiled, “what are you doing here? I thought you were helping Rossi teach the others how to cook?” He asked.

“Well I was, but I thought my friend might need me more tonight,” you softly smiled at him. “I was wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat,” you shyly asked, “or if you have plans, we can do something another time,” You looked at his attire and enjoyed the blue sport coat he was wearing, along with the colorful shirt under it. His hair was brushed with a light amount of product in it. It was like he was ready to go out.

“No, I was actually going to go to Rossi’s,” he admitted and you knew what that meant for him. It was more than going to Rossi’s, it was actually forgiving JJ and Emily.

“Well, I can take us, if you want,” you offered as you jingled your keys in front of him.

He gave a soft laugh, and nodded his head as he grabbed his stuff from his apartment.

“I just need to stop somewhere real quick to pick something up,” you added.

When you showed up to Rossi’s you were obviously late. But the smile on everyone’s face as Spencer walked in the room was worth it. You walked behind them with your arms wrapped around Derek and let everyone take in Spencer. You quickly handed Rossi, the cannoli’s you made and brought for desert.

After everyone said hello and got to cheers their wine glasses, it was time to cook. Instead of you cooking, Rossi decided you needed to help supervise. As you reminded everyone what the texture of the pasta had to be, and how the pancetta should look like cooked, you felt yourself always catching Spencer’s eyes and smiling.

“What’s that about?” Emily asked from behind you.

You turned startled by her, “what do you mean?”

“You and Reid, you guys came together and now you won’t keep your eyes off of each other. So what’s going on?” She asked.

You shook your head, “nothing is going on. I just gave Spencer a ride,” you responded.

“Uh-huh,” Emily skeptically looked at you. You rolled your eyes at her. Once you knew Emily wasn’t looking you slipped a glance at Spencer again and saw him smiling and laughing at something Garcia said. You couldn’t help but smile at them.

“I should say thank you,” you heard JJ say behind you.

You turned and looked at him, “why?” You asked a bit confused.

“You brought Spencer here, and he’s talking to me again. I can’t help but think you had something to do with that,” she answered.

“I didn’t do anything. He came to that conclusion on his own,” you responded.

“Well, either way, thank you for being there for him. I know he has a hard time opening up and trusting people,” she whispered. You nodded your head unsure how to respond. Out of everyone on the team you knew JJ and Emily the least as they weren’t on the team when you joined and had just returned.

As the finishing touches were put on everyone’s pasta you took a seat at Rossi’s big dinner table. You were used to sitting next to Garcia and Rossi. You expected the same people to sit near you but Spencer was quick to steal the seat where Garcia usually sat. You looked up at the young doctor standing over you as he placed a bowl of pasta in front of you. His smile told you everything. The weight of his anger had lifted and he felt rejuvenated. You gave him an odd look as he placed his glass of wine in the spot next to you. He just gave you a goofy face back. You ignored it, but you couldn’t help the feeling bubbling in your chest as you over thought him picking the seat next to you instead of next to the others like JJ, Emily or Derek.

You felt bloated after your meal but it didn’t really matter to you because you felt loved. With your Italian heritage, eating and sharing moments like this is where you felt most loved. This was no exception. You loved this BAU family that you were a part of. As the night went on and moved from the dining table to outside in Rossi’s backyard. You crawled into a loveseat couch and Spencer followed and sat next to you. You pulled a blanket off the back of the seat and draped it across you both. Spencer smiled in gratefulness.

“Say Grazie to the wonderful Y/N, for making and bringing the cannoli,” he announced and brought out the delish Italian treat.

“Oh my gosh I love cannoli,” squealed Garcia. Each person grabbed one and a silence fell over the group as they ate their cannoli. You couldn’t help but snuggle into Spencer a bit as the night moved forward and the talking kept going.

Slowly people left. Hotch was one of the first to go as he had to get back to Jack, then Derek and Garcia, next was JJ and Emily, and you and Reid.

The drive back to Spencer’s was filled with music theory facts, as the two of you got on the subject because you played your favorite songs playlist. One by one you each played songs that mean something to you. You enjoyed hearing the songs that made Spencer Reid, Spencer. They were all over the spectrum of music from classical to pop to indie to folk. You two sat in the parking lot for about an hour before you felt yourself yawning often.

“I should go so you can get home,” Spencer noted sadly.

“Unfortunately, I think you’re right,” you agreed.

“Unfortunately?” His right eyebrow was raised flirtatiously.

You blushed, “yeah, I had a fun night with you.” You looked down in embarrassment.

Spencer moved to place his hand on yours. He hesitated for a second then covered your hand. “I had a fun night too,” he admitted. You looked up at him and smiled.

“Good, because I still owe you a dinner,” you added playfully.

Spencer pulled his lips in and bit them, then let them slide out into a soft smile. “I look forward to it,” he responded.

He waited at the apartment complex entrance for you to pull away.

The memory of tonight would be one you cherished for a long time.

[paunchsalazar]

hey!! i loved your hoo playlist! can you explain more or less where which book begins and ends? or just your thought process behind picking the songs?

omg hi!! this is going to be really long I’m so sorry... I vaguely broke them up by book and sorta character/event/theme, it’s not super strict or anything but that was the logic!

I kinda imagine it playing out like a movie or tv series.. and so some of these kinda play over a scene or transition to the credits in my head? some more than others! otherwise it’s like punny titles or just songs that remind of plot points!

Lost Hero

- Goodbye Stranger - for Jason, since he has no idea what’s going on lol

- Teenage Dream - for the three of them, but mostly Piper!

You think I'm pretty without any makeup on You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong

- Parachute - kinda Jason and Piper, I think as she realizes their relationship isn’t quite what it seems? (and just playing with his flying lol!)

- Metal Guru - Leo! 

- Pretty Girl - Piper, I was imagining this when she clashes with Drew/learns about the Aphrodite cabin

And I could be a pretty girl Shut up when you want me to And I could be a pretty girl Won't ever make you blue And I could be a pretty girl I'll lose myself in you

- The Sky’s The Limit - when the three of them take off on Festus

- Snowqueen Of Texas - this was for Khione lol

I'm on my knees, your majesty; Snowqueen, save a cold kiss for me I'm on my knees your majesty

- Sweet Talkin’ Woman - this is book-wide but it’s for Piper’s charmspeak!

- Are You Gonna Be My Girl - is sorta general but I was imagining it when Jason and Piper kinda decide to be together/give it another go

- It’s Not Unusual - I think this was sorta the entire book/wider series but I just think it’s cute and fun and a Guardians of the Galaxy type end credits song? And just them accepting their very bizarre situation 

Son of Neptune + Mark of Athena

I put these together because there wasn’t really a set bookend in my head!

- Hello Stranger - finally reuniting with Percy! (and I wanted the Percy and Jason songs to mirror each other)

Hello stranger (Ooh) It seems so good to see you back again How long has it been? (Ooh it seems like a mighty long time)

- Diamonds - Hazel 

- Don’t Go Breaking My Heart - Frank trusting Hazel with the wood, also Percy + Annabeth, everyone really

Don't go breaking my heart You take the weight off of me Oh, honey when you knock on my door Ooh, I gave you my key

- Beautiful Soul - I literally don’t know why I added this I just wanted an excuse to add a Jesse McCartney song (which feels so tonally correct to me?) but also I think it’s Frank liking Hazel in spite of her big secret and Percy loving Annabeth

- Pocketful of Rainbows - encountering Iris!

I don't worry Whenever skies are gray above Got a pocketful of rainbows Got a heart full of love

- Am I The Same Girl - Annabeth’s POV upon reunion!

Why don´t you stop And look me over Am I the same girl you used to know?

Why don´t you stop And think it over Am I the same girl who knew your soul?

- Bizarre Love Triangle - Frank, Hazel, and Leo

- Treasure - Hazel again + the literal treasure?

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl you should be smiling (you should be smiling) A girl like you should never look so blue (blue) You're everything I see in my dreams I wouldn't say that to you if it wasn't true

- The Sweet Escape - off on the Argo II

- Okay Okay - to Italy! and I just think Italian disco is so fun

- On An Evening in Roma - walking around Rome, seeing all its history

Though there's grinning and mandolining in sunny Italy The beginning has just begun when the sun goes down So please meet me in the plaza near your casa I am only one and that is one too few On an evening in Roma Don't know what the country's coming to But in Rome do as the Romans do Will you on an evening in Roma

- Stuck on the puzzle - Annabeth + the Mark of Athena

- Coca Cola - I was imagining the pirates+sacrifice to Dionysus/ his appearance

- Edge of Seventeen - I think Annabeth remarks to herself something like am I really going to die at 17? so this is for her and all the kids just on the cusp of being 17

And the days go by, like a strand in the wind In the web that is my own, I begin again Said to my friend, baby (everything stopped) Nothin' else mattered

- Landslide - when everything goes wrong and they start falling to Tartarus

Oh, mirror in the sky What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I'm getting older too

House of Hades + Blood of Olympus

these are more thematic I think? but a few moments in particular

- Head Over Heels - falling down... 

I made a fire, and watching it burn Thought of your future With one foot in the past, now just how long will it last?

Something happens and I'm head over heels I never find out until I'm head over heels Something happens and I'm head over heels Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart Don't, don't, don't throw it away

- You and Me - Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus

If the stars don't shine If the moon won't rise If I never see the setting sun again You won't hear me cry as I testify Please believe me boy you know I would I lie As long as there is you and me

- Don’t Worry Baby - Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus, on the shore of the river

Well it's been building up inside of me For oh I don't know how long I don't know why But I keep thinking Something's bound to go wrong

But she looks in my eyes And makes me realize And she says "don't worry, baby"

- It’s Only A Paper Moon - the mist and Hazel starting to understand it

You smile, the bubble has a rainbow in it Say, it's only a paper moon Sailing over a cardboard sea But it wouldn't be make-believe If you believed in me

- Money, Money, Money - Hazel + Pluto

Money, money, money Must be funny In the rich man's world

- Magic - the whole story, but particularly with the presence of Hecate 

- Summer Wind - Jason harnessing the winds!

The summer wind came blowin' in from across the sea It lingered there, to touch your hair and walk with me All summer long we sang a song and then we strolled that golden sand Two sweethearts and the summer wind

- Mala Femmina - the return of Khione

- Would You? - Leo and Calypso

Well, you know she took my hand And we walked away And I can't understand why she would stay Would you like to fall in love with me?

-  Love is Like a Fire - Leo and also Frank 

- Don’t Wanna Fight - Percy and Annabeth

Take from my hand Put in your hands The fruit of all my grief Lying down ain't easy When everyone is pleasing I can't get no relief Living ain't no fun The constant dedication Keeping the water and power on There ain't nobody left Why can't I catch my breath? I'm gonna work myself to death

- Love Really Hurts With You - Leo after leaving Calypso’s island

- What Makes the Sunset - Percy and Annabeth (and by extension Bob and Damasen)

What makes the sunset? What makes the moonrise? What makes the tide remember to hide and why does it soon rise? What makes a star fall? Where does it fall to? Why does its flight make us stop in the night and wish as we all do?

- Dedicated to the One I Love - everybody, but an ode to Bob and Damasen (their goodbye made me cry!)

While I'm far away from you my baby I know it's hard for you my baby Because it's hard for me my baby And the darkest hour is just before dawn

Each night before you go to bed my baby Whisper a little prayer for me my baby And tell all the stars above This is dedicated to the one I love

- Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - Percy and Annabeth in Tartarus, I was thinking about this post-curses and them being so done with everything

Good times for a change See, the luck I've had Can make a good man Turn bad

So please, please, please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want This time

- Lonely Boy - Nico 

- Fantasy - indulging all their visions... the mist, etc. 

- Stupid Cupid - Nico and Cupid (of course)

Stupid Cupid you're a real mean guy (stupid Cupid) I'd like to clip your wings so you can't fly (stupid Cupid) I'm in love and it's a crying shame (stupid Cupid) And I know that you're the one to blame (stupid Cupid)

Hey hey, set me free Stupid Cupid stop picking on me

- Suzanne - still Nico, looking over at the couple (sorry... all the mopey songs)

- Dream A Little Dream of Me - dreams... also Percy’s wishes of the future

Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you" Birds singing in the sycamore tree Dream a little dream of me

- Our Day Will Come - I think Annabeth says a line almost like this? somewhere at the end of HOH, I think when they’ve just gotten out of Tartarus and are all sitting together, like haven’t they had enough? won’t their day finally come?

Our day will come If we just wait a while No tears for us Think love and wear a smile Our dreams have magic because We'll always stay In love this way

- Call Me - all of them! also Nico and Reyna, just being there for each other

Tell me and I'll be around Now don't forget me 'cause if you let me I will always stay by you You've got to trust me, that's how it must be

- Nobody - Nico... oh buddy 

Venus, planet of love Was destroyed by global warming Did its people want too much too? Did its people want too much?

And I don't want your pity I just want somebody near me Guess I'm a coward I just want to feel alright

- I’m a Believer - Jason and Piper

I thought love was only true in fairy tales Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind

- Summertime - Piper singing and it being the end of summer

- Happy Trails - more singing ( I want to include the songs actually mentioned!)

- The End of the World - the big battle!!

Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know it's the end of the world? 'Cause you don't love me any more

- Too Late To Turn Back Now - departing with Festus (I think Leo almost says this too!)

- Here Comes The Sun - day comes, the Athena Parthenos is back

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

- Walking On Sunshine - Will Solace

- Evil Woman - Gaea fight

Evil woman, how you done me wrong But now you're tryin' to wail a different song Ha, ha, funny, how you broke me up You made the wine, now you drink a cup I came runnin' every time you cried Thought I saw love smilin' in your eyes Ha, ha, very nice to know That you ain't got no place left to go

- Seven Wonders - the seven! also traveling the world... making it this far

If I live to see the seven wonders I'll make a path to the rainbow's end I'll never live to match the beauty again The rainbow's edge

- This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) - to me this is just after Annabeth and Percy’s kiss, shots of everyone back to camp, wides of people running around, new cabins under construction, the sun is shining, the camera pulls out 

Loving you is some kind of wonderful Because you showed me just how much you care You've given me the thrill of a lifetime And made me believe you've got more thrills to spare, oh!

- Love Makes the World Go Round - like the end credits! last pov with Piper, love makes it all happen

Without love flowers wouldn't grow in the spring And without spring, yeah the birdies just couldnt sing Everybody needs love to watch the twinkling stars above It makes a boy and girl, Say they feel so fine, now

[inwardboundseagypsy]

A breakdown of my LATELY.

- My 6 year old is diagnosed with ASD Level 2 and ADHD

- Some teachers are supportive and helpful, others are pulling their hair out and telling me about it on a daily basis while disciplining him in sometimes physically aggressive manner.

- Husband is traveling between Italy (where we are) and the U.S. during COVID times, spending the majority of his time (3 weeks) in the U.S. raising up a new business, and less than one week at home with us. (We are trying to be patient and understanding...we are saving for a new house so that we can get out of our current rental situation.)

- Current rental situation: house floods, black mold in bedroom, water refuses to get hot in the morning hours (no hot showers until evening), there is one small room dedicated to all: living room, kitchen and dining area (and it's seriously tiny!), it's by the beach which is wreaking havoc on my sinuses (I suffer from sand dust allergies and sinusitis due to the extreme humidity - makes me tired and miserable most of the time.), No place to control the dogs' activity (they're old and pee wherever they want), kid's bedroom is so small, we cant even fit his toys, nor does he have ample floor space to play, everything breaks (fridge, toilet seats, shower hoses and heads, the pumps that suck water from the ground level when it rains - thus the flooding, closet doors get stuck, paint is pulverizing and falling right off the walls, bedroom door is accordion style and impossible to fix - thus it wont close. The list goes on.) We are truly miserable here and can't find another rental - we've looked and exhausted all options in the area! So we need to buy, ASAP!

------------------------------------

So...I'm alone with my special needs child, getting him set up with therapy appointments, trying to communicate with his angry and frustrated teachers in a language I'm not yet fluent in, while working on my own anxiety and depression following bouts of extreme stress trying to get his cooperation in the home as well. There is no family for support and help. All friends and possible babysitter options fall through the cracks as everyone is getting COVID, we are forced at times into distance learning depending on how many of my kid's classmates test positive at any given moment, and I'm still trying to work on my Italian by attending an adult school three mornings per week for a total of 9 hours.

I have a lot on my plate. It almost seems like I'm living life in a foreign country as a single parent without the help of family. OK, well I kind-of am! And I suffer from anxiety, depression, ADD, and now after having researched and studied about Autism for hours, days, months on end...I'm beginning to believe that I, too, need to get evaluated.

I'm starting to have panic attacks. I've had only 2 in my entire 43 years of life...and now I'm having them regularly. What's concerning for me is that my young boy is serving witness to them. And for me, that's not OK. That's an alarm bell for me that's ringing toward the direction that I need to get help for myself as well. I NEED to be focused on him. I NEED to be strong and stable for him. He is too little to see his mother in this state of mind all of the time. He's also witnessing a plethora of emotional meltdowns and breakdowns, as I'm back to the fragile state of not being able to control extreme moments of emotional overwhelm.

My head hurts on a regular basis, not only over trying to suppress emotional responses to repeated and continual stress, but also triggering situations like when one of his teachers are 12 inches away from my face, shouting at me because she's frustrated with my son. So my head already hurts from poor emotional and stress regulation, ENTER - non fluency in a foreign language which is necessary for survival and all communications with those around me.

Many expats know that when you enter a life in a foreign country, and begin to learn a language through full immediate immersion, your head gets so hot and feels like it's about to explode some days, if you're focused on listening hard to understand what's being said, and combing your rapidly increasing vocabulary for the right words to be able to articulate what you need, what you want, and how to hold a conversation.

Add to the list of normal expat adaptation: how to communicate about the needs of your child and understand school protocols concerning entering a new school or grade level or switching over to online distance learning where you need to help your ADHD Autistic child to understand and focus on the school work that you barely understand...these directions being given....in the new language! Doctor appointments and communications. Therapy appointments and communications. Psych evaluations. The list of a parent is even greater!

People are very empathetic about this struggle. But then let's throw in that the person who's needing to navigate all of this, not just for herself, but for her son....also has anxiety, depression and ADHD. (And I guess sooner or later, we'll find out about the Autism.) Dude! I'm fighting a steep and treacherous uphill battle!

I guess it's important to understand that if I can get through this...all of those moments where I break down and cry (because I can't control my emotional response to triggers and stress) that make me feel like a broken, incapable, weak person...are just crumbling rocks on the hillside beneath my feet making it difficult to gain traction, but I always do! I always come through it, and if I can manage THAT, I'm not weak after all. I'm stronger than the average person who's got their shit together and treads a lighter path. But in the end, who are any of us to assume everyone's path is free of debris. We only know our own unique situations. And as a result, we tend to feel consumed with our own situations and swallowed by our own challenges, forgetting...that we are NOT alone.

My goal in divulging all of this chaos to the world wide net is not only to process and find release (IT's good for me), but also in the hopes that someone else out there who may relate to my story for one reason or another, someone else who struggles on a daily basis to do the basic things or the hard things in life...or who finds the basic things to be hard things...I want you to know that you're not alone. I get you.

More and more sensitive people are popping up, surfacing from the waves of a regimented society that for too long has covered up or ignored those of us who are deeply emotional and sensitive to situations and tangible things in life that others don't bat an eyelash over. It's often misunderstood by others, and for so long we've been made to feel psycho or crazy by the rest of society. Really, at times, being sensitive can be a gift. But it's hard when you're in the hurricane of the struggle, and even harder when it happens in front of people who don't. get. it. I'm here to tell you, I do.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Roguish Women Part 46

Summary: Kate is an American who fled to Paris to escape her past life. Now she's dancing and  playing the part of a courtesan at the Moulin Rouge. There she meets Tommy Shelby who thinks she can be useful in expanding his empire. But has he been blinded?

Part 46: Right before the storm, there’s a calm. 

            “Easy…easy.” Tommy enveloped Kate into his arms. The second he had told her what happened, she had gone into a panic. “It’s going to be alright.”

            Her knees buckled as she cried into his shoulder. “I told you! All that time ago, I told you! If John had just apologized. If you had made peace with the Changrettas none of this would’ve happened. I told you, Tommy, I told you.”

            “What’s done is done.” He pulled up a chair for her in the kitchen and eased her into it. “But you can’t have a fit.”

            Kate wiped her eyes on her sleeve and looked at him. She hiccuped as she studied his expression. “You’re lying to me about something.”

            His brow creased slightly, an obvious tell that she was right. Maybe he had been hoping that the news would be so upsetting to her that she wouldn’t notice anything amiss.

            “I don’t believe that anything could’ve happened. You had the entire place on lockdown, you were in on it with Alfie. You…” It dawned on her. “You knew they were going to come and kill him. You let them kill your own brother?” She shouted.

            “No!” He grabbed her wrists before she could start getting some hits in. “No, he-” Tommy huffed. Leave it to his fiancée to unravel his plan in mere seconds. “He’s not dead.”

            There was fire in Kate’s eyes. The second his grip loosened on her, she whacked him in the shoulder so hard he actually flinched. “So, you wanted everyone to mourn another one of your brothers?” She snapped. “You just love to toy with everyone’s emotions, don’t you, Thomas?”

            “If you’d let me explain…”

            “Y’know what I did tonight? I murdered Mickey. You’re down one less Italian thanks to me. But you’re behind the scenes playing everyone like fucking puppets while everyone else does your fucking dirty work!” She continued to rant.

            “Oi!” He yelled over her. “If you’d let me fucking explain.”

            Kate was fuming but didn’t say another word, allowing him to continue.

            “We needed Luca to think Arthur was dead. You know the rules of a vendetta.”

            “There are no fucking rules. You think Luca’s going to suddenly go back to New York because he thinks he killed John and Arthur? Tommy, he wants your empire, and the only way he’s going to get that if we’re all dead.” Kate reminded him sternly. “He doesn’t respect some rule of getting even.”

            “He doesn’t. But his mother does.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~ 

            “Shelby residence.”

            “You really answer the phone that way, huh? Far as I’m concerned you ain’t a Shelby yet, love.”

            Kate smiled when she heard Alfie’s voice on the other end of the line. The day had been a mess of emotions as they faked Arthur’s funeral and met with Audrey Changretta. The more time passed, the more anxious Kate became. The end was coming very quickly and she couldn’t predict how things were going to play out. “Did you arrive safely at Margate?” She asked.

            “Yeah, well wouldn’t be calling you, now would I?”

            She laughed softly. “I was just being polite.”

            “Should be asking if all of you got out safely.”

            “I assume you already know.”

            “Yeah, right, well I do pride myself in having eyes and ears all ‘round the country. It’s a nice thing to have. Keeps me well informed in matters even if they ain’t none of my business.”

            “And what have your ears been hearing?” She asked.

            “The rest of Changretta’s men, including the man himself, stormed me bakery today. M’sure they were intending to take it as their own. Had a feeling they would.” Alfie replied.

            “And?”

            “Well, unfortunately, your fiancée’s trick of hiding grenades didn’t work out this time.”

            Kate rolled her eyes. “Jesus, Alfie, you were willing to blow up that whole building out of spite?”

            “If I can’t have it, no one can.” He retorted almost like a child. “Not that they would’ve done business well there anyway.” He mumbled to himself.

            “Well, if they’re there, Alfie, then I’m guessing they took over the building whether you like it or not.”

            “Right, but how long could they have control over it, aye? Just until ‘ol blue eyes comes in to end them all?”

            A sly smile crossed Kate’s lips. “Alfie Solomons, is that faith in Tommy Shelby I hear?”

            “Now hang on. This phone call weren’t meant to sing praise. Just stating some facts. ‘Sides, if it were me in his shoes those bastards would’ve been dead weeks ago.” He asserted.

            “So, you were just calling to tell me about the bakery?”

            “Partly. Also, when you run those rats out of the country, I would ask you to extend the bakery to Alice Diamond.”

            Kate looked a little shocked. “Alice? I’m not sure I understand.”

            “Y’know they’ve had hands in Camden Town for years without me permission. But I turned a blind eye because I am a very forgiving man and frankly, I would go to great lengths to avoid a meeting with that woman. If she wants to try her hand at baking, under your guidance, I think it might make a good fit. I’d rather have people I know take it over than some American fucks, you excluded.”

            Kate smiled. “You’re being awfully generous for one day. Is there any other reason?”

            Alfie cleared his throat. “I perhaps have to thank you and one of Alice’s she-devils for my current situation. Lillian, to be specific.”

            “Oh…I see. You took my advice then.”

            He took a deep breath as if it pained him to admit she was right. “I extended an invitation to Mabel to come visit me in Margate.”

            “And she said yes, of course.”

            “If ya wanted to talk to yourself, I might as well not have called, smug girl.” He retorted. “Don’t need you finishing me sentences like a fucking parrot.”

            Kate stifled a giggle. “Well, I’m very happy for you. Truly, Alfie, I am.”       

            “Right…” He didn’t seem to know how to respond.

            “And maybe one day soon I’ll come visit you and Mabel.”

            “She’s just visiting don’t get…” He groaned knowing he wasn’t going to win. “I suppose that’ll be alright. Although I’m not quite open to the idea of Tommy coming too. Lethe, right, it’s a very peaceful place and he’d just fuck that up, wouldn’t he?”

            “Lethe, am I supposed to know what that is?” She asked.

            “It’s what I’ve called the home I’ve bought. I’m not about to explain the intricate workings of Greek mythology to you.”

            “I see.” Kate turned when she heard the door open and Tommy came in. “Well, suppose we bring along the children, would that negate Tommy’s presence?”

            Her fiancée rolled his eyes knowing exactly who was on the other end of the line.

            “I’d consider it,” Alfie replied.

            “Glad to hear it. But I’ll have to go now, Alfie, it was nice talking to you and say hello to Mabel for me when she arrives.” The two friends exchanged goodbyes before Kate hung up the phone.

            “So now you and Alfie gossip over the phone?” Tommy asked, taking off his cap and coat.

            “Well, he called to tell me Luca and his men took over the bakery. At least for the time being.” She reported. “And also, that I was right.”

            “Yeah? Right about what?” The news about the bakery didn’t particularly bother him. Who cares if Luca had a warehouse full of rum? His days were numbered anyway.

            Kate followed him into the parlor. “Right about the fact that I could find someone for him. I did.”

            Tommy raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Then I’m glad I didn’t let you bet anything on it.” He sat down and patted his thigh.

            She smiled and eagerly curled up on his lap. “You still would get me something for being right.” She murmured and kissed down his jaw.

            “What do you want, then?”

            “Hm…” She thought to herself for a bit. “How about a nice wedding to the man I love?”

            Tommy chuckled. “You’re already getting that.” He reminded her. “Just have to be patient.

            “Then that’s all I want.” She rested her cheek on his shoulder.

            “Was worried you were going to ask for a summer home in Margate so you and Alfie could be neighbors and torment me.”

            She laughed softly. “I’m not that cruel.” With a heavy sigh, she returned to the real problem at hand. “Who were you going to the office to call?” She asked.

            Tommy was quiet for a moment. “I don’t think you’ll like the answer.” He admitted.

            Kate lifted her head to look at him. “Tom…who was it?”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

            It was a long argument while Polly and Tommy were gathering paperwork. Tommy was ready to ship Kate out to Margate to be as far away from the action as possible. He was confident enough in the plan, but if there was even a slim chance of Kate getting hurt, he wasn’t going to risk it.

            But she wasn’t having it. “So, I’m supposed to sit by the phone to wait and hear if he’s killed you or not?” Kate snapped.

            It was an already tense enough scene organizing the papers for the company. Polly was there as a fly on the wall for most of it, silently signing papers and glancing back and forth between the two arguing.

            “What choice do I have, aye?” Tommy, who was under a considerable amount of stress, was not about to lose this battle. “You’re the perfect target for him, Kate. I told you time and time again that I won’t have you dealing with any of this because you’re pregnant. Yet time and time again, you’ve stuck yourself in. This is the final stand and I won’t have you there. You aren’t changing my mind.”

            “You’re not the one who decides where I go, Thomas.”

            “Why do you feel the need to put yourself in unnecessary danger?” He asked exasperated that she was still pushing the matter.

            “Because I’m a part of this family and I will stand with this family.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

            “You’d be willing to put the lives of our children at risk because you want to prove some fucking point?” He demanded.

            Kate’s resolve faltered. Her stomach was in knots, it had been for days. “Tom, if something happens to you and I’m not there…” Her voice trembled.

            Polly finally had to step in. She touched Kate’s arm gently. “Darling, nothing is going to happen. We’ll be alright.”

            “Then there’s no reason for me not to be there.” She asserted.

            Tommy exhaled sharply and forcefully stubbed his cigarette into the ashtray mixed within the sea of paperwork on his desk. “What would I do, aye, if something happened to you? I’ve risked enough.”

            “But if it’s just Luca against all of us then how could you think that anything could go wrong?”

            “Because I’m not letting that chance happen. Now go home, I’m done fighting about this with you. The answer is no.” He spoke firmly, pointing to the door.

            Kate’s jaw tightened but she decided to turn on her heel and storm out instead of arguing further.

            When the office doors slammed shut, Polly looked up to her nephew. “She’s worried about you, that’s all.”

            “She should be worried about being pregnant.” He grumbled.

            “It will go as planned. And if it doesn’t, then who is Luca going to aim for first?” Polly reasoned with him.

            Tommy sighed and rested his hands on his desk. “I can’t fucking believe you’re siding with her.”

            “I’m not. I just know she’s going to show up there no matter what you say. So, you might as well put her into the plan or you’ll be caught off guard tomorrow.”

            Tommy looked angry that she was right. He couldn’t physically drag Kate into a car and send her off to Alfie’s beach house. “For fuck’s sake.” He muttered.

            Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @biba3434 @kimmietea @karmezii @enrapturedbythemoon @vampgirl1997 @tarafaithe @evelynshelby

Tag list: @radical-gecko @actorinfluence @meltingicequeen @merlettina

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[realbeeing]

ancestral trauma & healing

I’ve recently come to understand what it means to honor my ancestors. I had heard mystics and shamans talk about how we can either relate to our ancestors in an unhealthy way— by holding onto their pain and perpetuating it unconsciously— or in a healthy way, by doing our best to work through the dysfunctions they passed on to us, starting to identify the pain as not solely our own but part of a chain of experience from which now another decision can be made. Breaking the cycle, in other words. 

Lately I started to feel a lot about my Jewish heritage, especially because I got a DNA test where it was confirmed I am pretty much of three-quarters Ashkenazi Jewish descent. I already knew my father’s family and maternal grandmother’s family came from that tribe so it was not a huge surprise, but with the company I bought the test from, they reveal not just that you are of Ashkenazi descent but what that particular descent really means: usually being one-half to two-thirds Arab genetics with the other part Southern European genetics, often Italian. In my case, I learned I had about a third Arab and Near-East origins and another third Italian. (My levels were lower because I have one non-Jewish, Irish grandparent).

Going through my results brought to light a new realization for me about the story of my ancestors. The Jewish people had moved around a lot: from the Middle East, to the Roman Empire, to the German kingdom and then further into Eastern Europe. And then many of them left Europe entirely to come to the United States or to Israel, havens for the Jewish population. For some reason I had never really thought about what it took for my ancestors— really just my great grandparents — to come all the way to America  It was not like they just decided one day to to travel to a new continent for a vacation. Nowadays it’s hard to understand the scope of such travel before the time of cheap and abundant flights and a more globalized culture. I can’t imagine what it was like to uproot yourself from your homeland and go to a place where your familiar language wasn’t spoken, where the culture was totally different. No, they must have come here out of necessity. My family has kept scant records though so I can only speculate. 

I have read a lot about anti-semitism recently and the pogroms that occurred in Eastern Europe, where my ancestors were living. The Jews were always on the run, a persecuted people, for whatever reason that is still mysterious to me. Were we victims? Were we perpetuating this cycle ourselves from a victim complex? I wasn’t there to know. 

Jews have learned to make a home in many places. I feel that in myself in my need to travel and the desire I’ve had since being a child of running away, being a nomad, going to an unknown land. Yet what is my enjoyment was their serious task. In my youthful seeking phase I contacted a bunch of different eclectic religious paths, settling into the Hare Krishna way for a couple of years in Peru as well as going into strange rabbit holes about all sorts of new age topics such as aliens and lost civilizations. In this period, I hardly thought about Judaism at all, nor my ancestors. I was convinced the body is just a phantasm, that we are soul first and thus that my true ancestry was first cosmic and that any earthly ties were not a subject for any earnest consideration. Growing up on North American native land, spending time on Andean land, going deep into Vedic religion— I was a mix of many influences and those related to blood seemed like the least relevant. 

In my Krishna commune, we called our group “family” and I think genuinely felt that way about each other. It was not genetics that connected us but a spiritual purpose and a belief we were all headed to the same lofty quarters of heaven. I remember learning one Hebrew song after hearing tons of Vedic chants and seeing a Star of David in my mind’s eye during a sweat lodge, but other than that my ethnic-spiritual past seemed far away.  

Meanwhile it wasn’t until a couple of years after leaving that group when I began to do a lot of deeper healing than that which had been supposedly dealt with in my religion, when I thought all my burdens had been lit on fire by god. In a way it was true: I received a spiritual communion which rooted itself so deeply in my consciousness that I can never go back to who I was before that experience. But still there was quite a deep wound to address, namely a traumatic childhood based on being abused by a parent. A parent who was abused by their own parent. And so on: a chain not of spiritual transmission but of shit. They were not the ancestors how I would have liked to imagine them: old sages or native chiefs whispering wise words in my ear. I did not want to admit the reality of the situation for a long time because of my chronic conditioning to downplay serious events in my life, brushing them aside because I never thought they were important enough—  which was an idea I had been brandished with by my abuser. Also it went against the image I had of myself as this spiritually liberated person. It wasn’t necessarily that this image was a complete illusion, which is a tempting conclusion to make when we receive a humbling from life. It would be easier to dismiss the entire past— but nothing can be so black and white. My ancestors are not all good or all evil. My initial spiritual experimentation did yield some truly healing moments. That was real for the time being. I could find meaning as a “galactic” citizen. But then eventually I did have to come down to earth. Another layer of the spiral had to unfold. A death had to take place. 

At first I resisted it and I saw my life stagnate a lot. Besides the fact that I was forcibly stranded in a rural country not my own due to the worldwide pandemic, I was stuck creatively, mentally and socially. I was isolating myself both physically and in way of ideas. I slowly started to become more interested in conspiracy theories, especially since world events have gotten so crazy which has sparked a whole tidal wave of increased paranoid thinking among everyone. Forget my ancestors being persecuted-- I was being persecuted just for being alive! The essential message of love—which was the lesson of all my valuable spiritual trips— was sometimes forgotten and the adrenaline rush of fear or excitement at some impending catastrophic event became almost a hobby and stood in for giving my time and energy to more creative and nourishing endeavors. It took a location move and I think my Saturn return to really kickstart a new cycle for myself, one where I do want to look at the pain I have been carrying and see how this pain is both mine and is not. The suffering in my genetic line is both something I can transcend out of and something I am inexplicably bound to and responsible for addressing. 

In the recognition of pain comes the power needed to finally confront it head on. I thought I had already sufficiently looked into my past and done the emotional purging work— but it was a whole new step for me to acknowledge the abuse as well as to acknowledge that I had some degree of trauma from what I went through. What followed from taking this step was not only more self-love and psychological balance but also a razing of my mental inventory: I was not exactly who I thought I was. This clearing made space for new inspiration and motivation, for the courage to create beauty where I could. To make jewelry, paint, dance, run, sing. Things I had forgotten and filled instead with trivial information. That was okay then, and I am okay now too. It is not some before/after scenario: that paradigm of healing is over. Like I said, healing is a spiral which unfurls at its own pace. I am exactly where I need to be. And from this vantage point, I can better hear what my ancestors are speaking to me, and I listen— while also telling them, I’m going to do things a bit differently now. We are going to do things different. 

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey, dear! I've missed seeing you on my dash, how are you doing? What would you say your summer has been like? Sending lots of love and good vibes!

Ahhh this is so kind! I hope you have been well too. I am working on September’s forecast but I have been a bit slow since I am tired with some stuff going on. I am working on a sacred geometry virtual gallery for the plant alchemist mentor so I have been dizzy with motion sickness throwing this gallery together before the full moon haha. 

Last week I just got back from the most insane adventure that I may probably get around to writing another endlessly long post about haha. (editing this post, it turns out that THIS has become the endlessly long post about it haha so I am having a read more added). CW: sex details. It may be TMI but I added a warning before lol 

  Anyway I was having this mutual attraction with this italian guy I met through work who ALSO has a venus in Scorpio like me. We were going to go on a date but the world succumbed to The Plague. He returned to Puglia to be with his family as he quit the company and his apartment so he can just chill and live for free while he figures stuff out, but he was flirting with me through text all throughout lockdown and begging me to visit him when it was safer to travel so I was like: Oh yeah?!?!?! And I booked a 5 day long first date/vacation to Puglia to be with him lmaoo. Venus in Scorpio is intense as hell but we just be like that. My close aries witch friend moved to Southern Italy with her BF too for the time being so I was like ok if stuff goes south she can come save me but this guy like took me FARRR AWAY on the southern coast like 3 hours from her omg. He booked beautiful places like old medieval stone villas (omg one place had a wooden four poster bed, a stone fireplace with a cauldron and a huge color-changing hot tub jacuzzi next to the bed lmaoooo) and we ate endless seafood and went to the beach everyday. Only set back is we were NOT SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE at ALL and it’s really sad cause yeah I got his star chart and over analyzed it before going over there but sometimes I doubt myself like ohh not everyone is their starchart to a T, like you should give people a chance. But he was  e x a c t l y  like his star chart.

First he has A LOT of trines like a lot of fire energy which is great. He’s super passionate, but the trines means he is too chill and positive which is nice but it means he has little motivation to do anything. (Think when there are great trine transits happening, it’s FANTASTIC for doing magic and manifesting things but those days the energy is so chill and harmonious you don’t even want to do anything and they can easily pass you by.) Meanwhile my chart?? It’s fucking SQUARES ALL DAY BABEY like Squares, Oppositions and more Squares. I have something called the grand cross on my fucking chart lmao. So that means I overthink, I can get stressed easily, my life soundtrack is just this long anxiety ridden drum and base background music as I fucking parkour through endless obstacles of racism, sexism, gender identity, fleeing the states cause it’s becoming a totalitarian government, learning a bunch of european languages and skills in case I gotta flee england next, thinking about the future, thinking about my actions in the present, thinking about how I can learn from the wounds of my past, lmao everything is thought about at least 1000 times. I also have a lot of Saturn energy my chart is Saturn dominant so there is a lot of planning, structure and organizing to me. Meanwhile since he is hosting he never has a plan and is always ‘go with the flow’ so sometimes it makes me nervous cause the first place he booked was some GHETTO sex motel that looked like sex traffic was happening in there and I was in the middle of no where with him and I was nervous like praying to the Spirits of Nature and Venus to help me work this out haha. But it was ok. 

His life is so easy cause he’s like a handsome italian man with a mom that wants him to live at home with her until he finds a wife to mommy him. He never has to do any house work or really any work at all cause his parents will support him cause that’s normal in Italy. Honestly if I got with him I would never get that same treatment I would also be hauling ass in the background to cater to him and our kids until the day I die. He also doesn’t really understand what it’s like to be of a group of people ostracized by society. He is a hot cishet white man and has a whole community of good friends and a mom to support him with whatever he does.

He’s also like really traditional and was raised Christian. I told him I was a witch and he was like ohhhhhhhmyGOddddddd and thought it was fucking weird haha and I was like: YOU NEVER NOTICED ME AND ROXANNE (my aries witch friend who moved to Italy who literally wears massive metal pentagrams everyday) ARE WITCHES?! And he was like: I do not know about this haha. 

Lastly about his starchart which worried me when I first reviewed it is that our natal mars are at a square. I mean I have had sex with someone’s Mars in Aries before and it was great but his sex?? Was TERRIBLEEEE!!!!!!!!! TERRIBLEEEEEEEE OHHHH MY GOD. I am going to add a CW for some sex details in case you want to scroll but like: 

--

My Mars is in Cancer so I do like it to be sensual and cuddly with some oral action but he was like so terrible and disgusting and I feel like he probably only slept with girls in his country who may have been traditional like him and never said anything to him cause I am like I dunno how you got away with this for so long having terrible sex like this. Like so grabby and aggressive it fucking hurts like he would have left bruises and I hate that shit like sex is supposed to feel good!! I don’t mind if you grab my ass cause it’s just sacks of fat lol but my boobs have shit in them like glands you can’t be grabbing that!! And sorry this may be TMI but like I’d communicate with him all the spots I’d like him to go to cause they are the most sensitive ones and he’d just ATTACK THEM like some type of police dog sniffing hidden cocaine I am like BITCH CALM DOWN I literally would have to stop him so many times so he wouldn’t hurt me. And he once said: Oh but I like that (being aggressive in bed) and that annoyed me so much I was like: Oh so if you like aggression do you want me to grab and twist your balls in the same way? And he was like: no. lol 

And then his kissing was tErrible. He wouldn’t even start out sensual he would literally just shove his whole tongue in my mouth and it’d be slimy and terrible and tastes like the ash from the weed he’s always smoking and once during sex I bent down to make out with him and he literally just stuck his tongue out in preparation I paused like: NO!!! Like omg he got me so heated I am so heated just typing this lmao. I am also really sensitive with like sensory things and have misophonia so sometimes if certain stimulations are stimulating me the wrong way I get more put off than the usual person and sex is so intimate like every time he grabbed a sensitive part of me I wanted to slap him the fuck back haha. The funniest part though is when I’d give up on him trying to pleasure me (everything was terrible, the fingering was like someone who is in a rush to get the elevator and is jamming the button impatiently; the actual fucking was like.. off beat?? And he could NEVER LAST; he gave me head once but that was interesting I felt like he was trying to karate chop my clit with his tongue lmao I was like please stop omg) I was like fine ok just lie down and I will give you head and we can get this over with.. And when I gave him head for the first time he did not moan or anything he would just say: Mamma Mia!!; and FUCKING HELL it would kill the mood but also I couldn’t concentrate cause I’d be fucking laughing just choking on him laughing like I could NOT. 

-- End sex detail mention lol 

Anyway I am always wary of sex with Mars in Aries people but this experience is going to make me avoid them and have trust issues haha. Anyway I got a lovely free vacation in a beautiful region with incredible food. His friends were nice though my Italian is really terrible and nonexistent (omg also speaking about communication, he forgot most of his english so it was a challenge speaking to him haha). We were both wild as hell to do this even though we didn’t really know each other but whatever that’s the Scorpio in Venus. And in a perfect Scorpio fashion we may never see each other ever again because he may not return to London, I mean we pretty much fell out of infatuation with each other cause of the terrible sex chemistry and the only reason I have to return to that region of Italy is to see my witch friend there but there is a chance she is going to move to London again and she lives in a different city from him lol. 

So yeah I have been quiet over here but this is my current life. If you want to look at the gallery I am working on it’s in it’s rough draft form but you can find it here! 

https://www.artsteps.com/view/5f4946b290389d2f7d705e86

[ariainstars]

Sorry, But I Don’t Support Minorities (Any More)

For a start: I will not use inclusive language in this text. (I usually don’t, only in this case I want to make sure it’s known from the start.)

Secondly, if you identify as trans or non-binary and / or are a huge Harry Potter fan, I am warning you: don’t read this.

If you do want to hear me out, be respectful in your comments or hold them back altogether. I won’t tolerate bullying merely because I am expressing my own opinion. Though the topic touches a sore spot in me, too, I will be as objective as I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not and never was a fan of J.K. Rowling and her works. I found the Harry Potter hype strongly exaggerated, the books mildly unoriginal and biased, the films ok until they became so overloaded with derivation from other sources (dragons, elves, magic wands, brooms, unicorns, centaurs, phoenixes, basilisks, flying horses - stories like Star Trek or Star Wars at least have their own world-building) and later so dark that they were no fun anymore. In my opinion an average writer was lucky because she tapped into a trend and was at the right place and right time with her stories. I daresay years from now many fans will wonder why they liked these stories so much and realize that they just jumped on a train, having been too young and naïve to question it.

I don’t own any of Rowling’s books or DVDs or merchandise and I never have been part of the fandom. So, I come from a different corner when I say that I have my own attitude about the current shitstorm regarding J.K. Rowling now being coded as “transphobic”. This is due to personal reasons of my own.

  1. The Discussion Can Add Confusion

Rowling stated that in her youth she had problems with her own identity due to her father having wanted her to be a boy. I can understand that because I went through a long period in my late teens and early twens where I had difficulties identifying with the sex I was born with. At times I also felt physically attracted to females. In my case, it turned out to merely be a phase: I am an average cis woman. I can understand that for some people, such doubts may turn out to be more than a phase. But I know what Rowling refers to because I have been there. And I am grateful that there was no gender discussion when I was young because it would have confused me even more than I actually was, and I already had more than enough other problems. I was and I am a “common” woman, but there was a time in my life when I did not like it very much. That time was bad enough, combined as it was with other aspects in my life I had to come to terms with, which at times almost drove me to despair to the point where I contemplated suicide. So, I am glad that in my time being gay / straight / trans / cis / non-binary or other was not such an issue, at least not where I grew up. With my confusion and disorientation, well-meaning people might have taken the opportunity to encourage me to “embrace my lesbianism / trans identity”, when in truth I am neither. I was discouraged, from many sides, to liking myself, and that self-loathing took many forms. 

I am extremely cautious when it comes to gender identification because I know that finding one’s way in life under difficult circumstances can take years and years and end in a very different place from where it started, well beyond adolescence. In my case, for a long time I thought I was “not really female” because I love my independence and never wished for children: this is not due to some masculine trait inside of me but to my growing up with a disturbed mother who strongly invaded my life and mind and did everything that was in her power to trap me. I suspected that something was wrong with her since my early teens, but I found out the truth only about twenty years later. I had to accept her the way she is and put distance between us. 

Then there were my peers: where and when I grew up it was trendy to be (or appear) as tomboyish and easy-going as possible because this was seen as a sign of a “strong, modern, emancipated female”: fie on you if you wore your hair a little longer, liked clothes or only had to much as a flower-pattern on your notebook. Again: I simply had to get away. For many years I had been led to believe that my too “female” or “masculine” traits were a problem, when the actual problem was not mine. And if this happened to me, I daresay there may be many others in similar situations; which is something that who supports and encourages trans people usually does not consider. People who are confused about their sexuality without actually being trans need understanding as well.

  2. What About Us?

As a native Italian, I cringe when I only think e.g. of Lady and the Tramp’s silly “Bella notte” scene or films like Good Fellas or of The Godfather trilogy, cultural phenomena that did a lot to cement the general audience’s idea of how Italians are like. Not to our advantage. - No, “bella notte” is not correct Italian. No, we don’t play the mandolin, it’s an outmoded instrument that you are more likely to find in a museum. And no, spaghetti with meatballs are not Italian food!

Following the 2009 economic crises many countries in the European Community applied for financial “umbrellas”; Italy didn’t, it paid into those funds. Italy was the first Western country who went into lockdown as the Covid-19 crisis struck. The country functioned, though under huge restrictions and security measures. In both cases, other countries’ reactions in and outside Europe were like: “Typical - Italians are too lazy to work!” When it came to negotiating an economic pact to help Europe start again, the countries who had said this the loudest held their purse-strings tight - after having locked down too late and hidden the truth about the casualties in their own countries. Convenient.

Italians are generally often seen as silly and not trustworthy. And nobody talks about how demeaning and disrespectful, and on the long run damaging, it is to portray us in such a stereotyped way which at best is good for a laugh. The prejudices stick, and they have destroyed or turned into a living hell many existences.

There are huge now discussions about banning films like e.g. Gone With the Wind due to its “clichéd portrayal of Blacks”. Nobody talks about abolishing The Godfather or other films of that kind although they contribute to the stigma that Italians are either all in league with the mafia, or easy-going, silly folks who sing and drink wine all day and have no idea of what hard work means. Most Italians have too much personal pride to victimize themselves and bo-hoo “the rest of the world just won’t understand us”. They love their country but that does not make them not blind to its shortcomings. I hope they stay that way. In any case, I intend to.

  3. The Actual Problem: Bullying

I can sympathize with anyone who comes out as trans because I know what it’s like to be bullied. I was bullied myself for many years due to my Italian origin as well as my upbringing while I had to live among persons who were on a lower social level than I. I was e.g. accused of being stuck-up and “inhibited”. I know now that the female bullies were envious of my self-esteem and insinuating that I was missing “fun”; while the males were counting on another girl being at any guy’s disposal for free and were angry when I didn’t let them have their way with me. 

The actual problem with any kind of intolerance and discrimination is bullying. Whatever form it takes, bullying is or ought to be unacceptable. Bullies will be bullies, they do not care who they harass and why: if they e.g. can be convinced to leave trans people alone, they will vent their frustrations and build up their self-image by bullying people who are fat or black or whatever. Except trans people won’t be there to witness that (unless by coincidence they are both trans and fat / black etc.) 

We live in a world that gives a great deal of importance on competitiveness; as a result, even in families, schools and other institutions that ought to educate children and youngsters to be respectful towards themselves and others, bullying is often not seen as such, or simply downplayed as “assertiveness”. Bullies do not want to hear reasonable argumentation and learn to be sympathetic: they want to show off their power, provoke an emotional reaction from their victims to see how far they can go, and gloat when they can hurt them. They will not change their minds and they will never be trustworthy, no matter how many discussions about your particular situation you have with them. 

To bullies, the world is a jungle where only the strongest have the right to survive; any attempt to make them rethink their attitude will only make them laugh at their victims’ alleged stupidity (because that’s what a humane, respectful attitude is to them) even more. The only language they understand is violence. If you are bullied, protect and, if you can, defend yourself; never try to discuss. Minorities were silent and subdued for such a long time with good reason: because they knew that the more they held their heads up and did not hide what made them different, the more targets they offered for bullies. No one ought to go in hiding because he is queer or black or Jewish etc., but sometimes it’s unavoidable simply for self-protection. I am almost fifty years old and I have never witnessed a nasty person changing for the better. If anything, they became worse, because every time they got away, they felt more superior than before.

Particularly sly bullies will make their victims believe that they have changed, maybe even pulling off the role “I’m a victim myself”. Please, please, whether you belong to a group of minorities or not: don’t listen to them. Ever. Maybe they once were victims, but it turned them into arseholes, and now they are sunk too far in their own filth to care. Compassion is a good thing, but it should never go as far as to delude yourself, endure abuse and sympathize until you become an object for compassion yourself.

For instance, I like wearing dresses, cooking and sewing and looking after my household. Fifty years ago, that would have made me a pattern housewife; nowadays, feminists would either want to strangle me or at least have a good laugh at my expense. This just goes to show how short-sighted any kind of prejudice and bullying is. Any human being ought to follow its own nature with a healthy self-esteem, and esteem others as well. But with our today’s view of the world we are supposed to be not altruistic and respectful but “strong” so that “we will make our way in life” (i.e. feed capitalism in any way we can); and nothing can make you feel “strong” more easily than finding someone who is allegedly weaker and pick on him. We are expected to be “winners”, and the first thing winners need are “losers” to serve them as a foil. The pool from which to choose is large.

  4. Who Is Subject to Intolerance Can’t Be Intolerant… Really?

For many years of my life, I always found myself a supporter of someone who was ostracized for one reason or another.

A woman who had left her husband. (It was the early Eighties.) A gay man. A girl who had been harassed by being called ugly. A woman who had been abused sexually by a family member. A woman from East Germany (I live in the West and there are lots of prejudices.)

For the record: these persons were of different age, origin, upbringing, social status, intellectual level and character, and they did not know one another.

I knew and supported them for years, listening, loyal, supportive, interested in their problems and personal development. I never attacked or criticized them. And each and every one of them sooner or later accused me of “not understanding them” and “being prejudiced towards them”. In the case of the abused woman this was particularly unfair because I have been abused myself in my family, though psychically and not sexually. The divorced woman, my own mother, viciously accused me of lying and being in league with her ex-husband after I had been loyal only to her for entire decades.

It appears these people only were my “friends” as long as I told them what they wanted to hear. When I suffered, I was put off with “pull yourself together”. Like I had no problems, because the only people in the world having problems were them. Thank you very much. So, I was supposed to accept their growing insolence due to their being such poor victims, while from their point of view I deserved neither understanding nor respect.

Only recently, in the aftermath of the riots caused by the killing of George Floyd, I posted a comment on a video on youtube… guess what. I was immediately attacked by a black woman saying that my “stupid remark” just went to prove how a white person would never understand “things like these”. She had not even read my post carefully enough to understand what I actually wanted to say, she simply felt entitled to offend me.

I do not say that I dislike trans people or that they are bad, I’m sure there are as many good or bad people among them as anywhere. If someone says e.g. that though born with male organs they identify as female that is their very own affair. I must not like it or understand it. Tolerance means leaving other people alone to do as they please. Any person is “bad” only the moment they behave badly towards others; being different from the mainstream does not count.

But when I have to watch and read people nowadays defending trans or gays or blacks or some other minority, believing to be being open-minded or particularly noble and heroic by supporting them, all I can say is that I have been there and it did me no good. I won’t get caught up in another wave of “minority tolerance”: in my experience, it’s a waste of time. Many of those who now proudly burn their Harry Potter books and proclaim that they will no longer support the author, respectively that they “love Harry Potter but love trans people more” will make the experiences I made. Except they most probably won’t talk about that, because these experiences are so humiliating.

Minorities of any kind do not want to be supported, understood and defended by people who are not in their shoes: it hurts their personal pride. Which I can understand, although it’s a lame excuse for being mean to the very persons whom they expect help and support from. They will tend to envy the ones who do not have their problems due to being white / straight / cis etc., and consequently turn a blind eye to the fact that these can have huge problems of their own. Many of them expect their supporters not only to understand them but to support them enthusiastically at every turn, and if these don’t, (or if there is the slightest reason for them to assume that they don’t) these “victims” will feel entitled to be offended and become vicious aggressors, with a whole fan club behind them protecting their backs and convinced of promoting a honorable cause.

I am fed up with being tolerant. It seems you can hardly do anything anymore without offending someone: watching Disney movies or old classics, wearing a pink dress, calling a woman a woman instead of woman / trans / cis / non-binary etc. There is always someone who will point to these things saying why they’re not right.

I’m sorry but clichés, prejudices and stereotypes can’t be totally avoided: the human brain is not wired to know all facts about everything and everyone. What you can do is teach children and adolescents to be respectful towards everybody, even if they don’t like a particular person or group. Nobody has the right to force you to like everybody and to agree with every life style. But it seems the world has become full of people who seem to have nothing better to do but feel personally offended at the drop of a hat and make a fuss about how hurt their feelings are. Helping someone out who is in a difficult situation is not the same as catering to the keyed-up hysterics of some entitled brat. Seeing the difference between these two can be quite difficult because the latter often show their true face only after years and years, when they realize that for some reason or other, they can no longer squeeze you out for their personal benefit giving nothing back.

Who follows my account is aware that I did not like The Rise of Skywalker. Heaven knows I wrote enough about it. But I did not and will not harass the studios twittering, mailing, making youtube videos etc. ranting and raving about what rubbish it supposedly is for years, like the haters of The Last Jedi. Listening to them, one would think their whole reason for living had been destroyed on purpose. We most probably largely have to thank them for the Episode IX disaster, the flattest and most uninteresting Star Wars film ever made; not to mention the harassment the actress Kelly Marie Tran was subject to. Anyone has the right to dislike the development the authors chose for the saga, but for heaven’s sake: after all, it’s just a movie. If such a relatively insignificant thing can be hyped up like this, I don’t want to know what’s in store coming from people who feel offended for much more personal reasons, like race or gender.

Tolerance cannot be one-sided; it cannot mean that whatever one side wants does not have to be reasonable or useful, but they are entitled to scream and yell until the other side gives in. (If for no other reason than to satisfy them so they will finally shut it.)

  Conclusions (I did warn you…)

I. Hogwarts is not my world

Hogwarts is supposed to sound like a dream come true, but I never liked the idea of a “school” where pupils, who are still children and adolescents, are taught spells and engaged in games and tournaments where they have to risk life and limb. These facts are commonly overlooked, I guess, because “the heroes” usually don’t get hurt. The heroes overcome their traumata but do not get wiser from them, on the contrary: their suffering is supposed to make them seem nobler so that we will root for them more. Harry loses his parents before he could get to know them; his adoptive family mistreats him, but he doesn’t care about them; Cedric dies in his stead, but they were not close friends; Dumbledore dies when Harry was getting too old for a father figure; Snape dies, but Harry never liked him either. The list could go on. Harry always remains an innocent; he never gets to look into a metaphorical mirror where he has to see all of the bad that is inside of him, his darker sides are always projected and personified by someone else. (When he does look into a metaphorical mirror in the first book and movie, he finds out that the Philosopher’s stone is, magically, in his pocket. How convenient.)

I can’t invest emotionally in a fictional character who stands out before having earned or deserved it. Harry is like a Chosen One who skips the hero’s journey: from an abusive household, he is catapulted into a whole new world made of mystery and wonder, where he immediately is singled out, admired before he lifts a finger, unexplainably lucky, awed due to his heritage, envied by who is not as special as he. Harry remains untainted by own sins because other people do the dirty work for him; which seems ok because they are, for one reason or another, uncool - Dumbledore = old, Ron = weak / foolish, Hermione / Snape = unpleasant, his parents = dead, and so on. Yes, Harry sometimes makes mischief, but people usually cut him slack because of his past as an abused child, his parent’s tragic death, and his undefinable power that makes him resist the Evil One. The Dursleys, Snape and Draco don’t tolerate him, which is why they are coded as villains or at least very disagreeable characters. How do you recognize a villain in these stories? Simple, he’s being mean to Harry. Everybody else gives him special treatment because you don’t want to upset the person whom you expect to defeat the ultimate villain. I always found his character bland and uninteresting. We e.g. learned why Snape was so lonely and bitter, but not why Harry was so “good” although he had grown up unloved, in an abusive household, until he was eleven. 

For decades now Harry Potter fandoms and clubs gather all over the world proudly proclaiming that they are something really special and not like “them Muggles”. No wonder these stories are so popular with who feels misunderstood and downtrodden. Wouldn’t it be nice to be born with capacities ordinary people can’t even dream of? When maybe you’re just a common person, shocking thought. Nowadays, if you want to be someone outstanding, make it up in your mind and it automatically becomes true. And if you identify with the protagonist, you get to be a hero before you did anything special into the bargain. Harry is a victim of other person’s sins and / or blunders and his story is about unfolding the details of his victimhood and correcting them so he gets his happy ending. We are supposed to sympathize with this: well, I can’t. Victimhood and alleged inborn virtue are insufficient to make a protagonist “overcome his trials” and emerge triumphantly over his sidekicks or enemies, without any real loss on his side, while they get killed or, at best, ridiculed. And I will not pick up the part of that sidekick any more.

 II. Feminism Is Not My World

While I am an advocate for women’s independence, I do not identify as a feminist. I have an independent nature: that does not mean I am or should be ashamed of being a lady. This where we live is the era of the tomboys, of the feisty, cool, tough females. And often they don’t just go their own way but feel entitled to scorn women who do have their own job and live with a man who respects them, but also like the color pink, pretty clothes, flowers, romantic stories and everything else the new wave feminism likes to dismiss as “brainwashing”. Today you can hardly let your daughter watch a Disney movie without being accused of undermining her identity with false ideas about womanhood because, oh wonder, it seems a “real woman” must think and act like a badass guy.

Louder for the feminists in the back: you can actually look and behave in a way that is coded as “female” and be intelligent, independent and self-respecting. Women who went their own way have existed in every age and culture, often making great achievements and changing the world around them; they were intelligent, compassionate and took matters into their own hands. They did not proclaim that they unfairly were victims of men: they knew how to make men respect them. Being a woman is not a stereotype thrust upon you, it’s natural. If someone rejects qualities that are identified as “female”, it’s their very own affair. If I wanted to return the offense, I might as easily say that “feminists” and “empowered females” are just too smug to do the dishes.

 III. Trans, cis, binary etc. is not my world

For millennia, people had to accept the sex they were born with. Now you can have surgery and take hormones to get rid of a problem which you can’t solve on your own. Sorry, but I can’t get my head around it: to me the gender diversity discussion is unnatural. Good and right things are always the same, they cannot change with time and “scientifical / medical progress”. Tomboyish females and same-sex lovers are as old as the world, but it’s only a few decades since you can surgically have your sex changed if you feel uncomfortable with it, and even less time since you can claim the right to be both male and female or not to choose any sex at all. Excuse me, what’s behind it? Fear of missing out? I know, nowadays we are supposed to “change the stars”, but excuse me, it’s not possible. Rowling did not change the stars: as I wrote above, she got lucky.

I can say from own experience that for healthy growth a person needs limits. It is not “tolerant”, in my opinion, to say that one can be male or female or binary or none of that, all by choice. If I raise a child calling it a boy because he was born with male organs, or by Catholic standards because I am a Catholic myself, I believe no one has the right to say that I am intruding into its personality. I would be intolerant if said child would later come out to me e.g. as trans or atheist and I would dismiss its identification and opinion as a matter of principle, or disown it altogether. Rejecting rules and values is like pretending that it is wrong to be e.g. female, or straight, or that Catholic values are rubbish. None of that is true. It is true that a trans or gay or atheist or Buddhist etc. is not automatically an immoral or inferior person.

I can accept other people’s choices about their gender identification; that doesn’t mean I must like or support their mindset. It doesn’t automatically make me “transphobic”. If it is intrusive or intolerant to say that someone is male because he was born with male organs, what will come next? Will “normal” females no longer be entitled to protect their most intimate privacy because any guy can share our private space, like a public toilet or dress room, claiming he’s a woman (and he might well not be trans, but a lying voyeur?) Will we no longer give our children male or female names? Not teach them any values? No longer send them to kindergarten, to school, maybe not even feed or clothe them or furnish their nurseries according to our own judgement, because the poor babies can’t choose by themselves yet?

We all did not choose to be born in the first place.

If you want to protect your children from suffering, don’t have them: suffering is a part of life. Trans is not my world. I don’t want to destroy it or to behave rudely towards it; I simply do not want to have part in it. I want people to care for me, and to do so because I am me, not because I come out with this or another sexual orientation or make myself an advocate for people who belong to this or another minority.

All of the above is why I will not jump on the current “I defend minorities” respectively “I defend downtrodden victims” train. The good part is that I don’t have any Harry Potter book or merchandise I could burn anyway. 😊

Anyone who is uncomfortable with my point of view can unfollow me. Bullies will be blocked and reported without further ado. Greetings from a notorious Muggle.

[lhaewiel]

2, 3, 11 and 25 for the language learner asks, please❤️

Hello!

2. Can your friends and family members speak a language you can’t speak ? Would you like to learn it ?

Yes, several people in my family can speak German and Spanish, which I cannot speak at all - I can understand to a certain degree, but speaking them? Nah.

3. What is the first foreign language you’ve ever (tried) to learn ?

In Italy we start learning English when we are little, about 6-7 years old, so English would be my first foreign language, followed closely by French. I used to listen to MTV, when it was still good, because a lot of the programs, like charts, were presented in English, plus my Elementary English teacher used to teach us English in a very playful way, so it stuck more.

11. Have you ever been on a school exchange ? Where ? What language(s) did you speak ? Was it a good experience ?

I have never been in one. The first would have been in my 3rd year of high school to Ireland, but I never went because mine was the only year this exchange was cancelled. I had the chance to go 1 month or 2 months in Japan when I was at uni as aupair, but mate, let me tell you the costs, which were and still are a lot, especially because in that period my mum got really sick and my dad lost his job, so yeah. I stillwant to go to Japan though.

25. Have you ever studied/worked/lived abroad ? Where ? Was it a good experience ?

I have been working and living in the UK for the past 7 years. Now I can say that it is good, but I can say that because up until November 2019 I had to fight tooth and nail for a single inch of respect and acknowledgement.

The thing is, the UK is still a very racist country, in general. Of course ou find open-minded people and good friends and good workplaces, but there is a lot of racism going on. It is worse if you are a POC, but I have been disregarded in conversations just because I had an accent. I have been treated as a stupid person because I am not British. I have gone to group interviews and I would know IMMEDIATELY that I would not be considered because I am not blonde with blue eyes and definitely not British. People, especially at the beginning, took advantage of me, because I did not know all the rules that would usually apply - and that includes payroll rights, working hours and salary.

When Brexit was passed in 2017 my British colleagues treated me and the other 2 poor Estonian girls like literal doormats, until the manager had to request a formal apology from them and had to take the 2 girls and me on side and reassure us that we would not be stripped from our beds at night and shipped back to our countries in a van - because that is fucking illegal, first of, second we are paying citizens with a residence.

It took me several house movings and several job changes - and whilst I am now ok, I am helping my husband fight these fights, because he is still getting the brunt of all of this for the simple reason that his English grammar is not an A+. And the accent.

For some reason here they really hate accents.

On this I have been told in previous roles that I had to “reduce my accent” and “sound as British as possible”.

I have had customers asking me if I was able to speak English or I was not applying myself enough and get angry at me just because I was not British, hence I was “inferior”.

Like, I got this, but my friends and colleagues who are POC get even worse than this just because their skin is not white, if my experience already sounds really bad, for them it is worse.

And let’s say that UK is very good at erasing one’s cultural background just for the sake of conforming everyone.

I have several colleagues who are Italians born in the UK and they do not speak and/or understand a single word in Italian. I am honestly scared of this.

So yeah, in conclusion, whilst some things were very positive, a lot of them were and still are quite negative.

[paintedwithwords]

Last week I said I was going to finda few hours to write a bit more. I’m probably about to have all the time in the world to do so, because I had to leave my night job. The coronavirus is spreading pretty rapidly where I live, my father is a person with high mortality risk to the virus because of his compromised health state, so to avoid risks I’ve left my night job. I am even considering taking a break from my internship, I cannot go to court because every activity has been suspended because of the virus, and going to the office seems rather pointless though they’ve asked me to go anyway. I had to start a course to prepare myself for the bar, but it seems it got blocked too, rightly so. 

I feel a bit feverish today, though it happens quite often to me. Usually I would pay no attention to it and go on with my routine, but today I’m kinda hiding in my room just in case it is not just the usual reaction to the cold nocturnal weather I endured in the past days.

In the past week I’ve avoided hugging or kissing people, but it is entirely possible I’ve started to be more mindful too late, because of how instinctual is for an italian to kiss people as a greeting. I’m washing my hands as often as possible, trying to stay at a distance from people, even those I live with, every time I have to do something that puts me in proximity of others I’m always thinking if that’s the moment when I catch the virus or pass it to another human being. I’m always wondering if I’m going to kill someone with my mere presence. I’m doubting myself for the mildest simptoms but I could very well have been already sick in the last week but with no simptoms at all. 

In all of this I’m still seeing people refusing to believe what it’s happening, not understanding that it might very well happen to them.  I was trying to distract myself today, but even watching foreign tv won’t help because the virus is spreading everywhere, and they discuss it but they don’t understand. It makes me feel very frustrated to read comments about how it’s a hoax to damage Trump’s reelection. My life on hold on the other side of the globe it’s not a fucking hoax, 463 dead people in my country are not a hoax, this thing is not political, it will kill you despite being american or italian, a republican or a democrat, and it could come the day (I hope not in this lifetime or ever) you could be stuck home with no job and no way to leave your room, trying to remember the names of all the people you’ve met in in the past 15 days and hoping to God you didn’t kill anyone.

[forever150429]

Cultural Influences in Skam France

So I see a lot of criticism about Skam France these days, and I'd like to clarify one or two points. Each remake is heavily influenced by its culture. Adapting the show is not just about having French characters eating croissants while the Italians eat pizza to fit the context. It's way deeper than that. Remakes are filmed in a way that targets primarily their domestic audience. That's why, as a French myself, I might be more predisposed to relate to Skam France on a deeper level than some foreigners.

I am not familiar enough with the other cultures to analyze how they impacted the other remakes. All I can say, is that my friend and I were really confused when we saw how praised the acting of og s3 was in Norway. Don't get me wrong, I like how they portrayed the characters, but they seem a little bit too emotionless for me. However, I learnt thereafter that it is the whole point: subtlety is what makes a good movie in Norway. I was therefore confronted to cultural differences. Keeping that in mind, let's address the most redundant complaints about Skam France:

Skam France is overdramatic

No, it's not. At least not from a French point of view. Characters' reactions feel pretty natural to me. I can totally picture those around me reacting or acting similarly in similar situations. Showing emotions is normal in French cinema or else we feel like actors don't know how to act. Plus, French people are drama lovers, in real life and in movies. "La vie en rose" isn't what most of us is experiencing. From what I've observed after living 2 years abroad, the state of mind here tends to be a little bit more pessimistic compared to other countries. Happy endings are for example way more numerous in American movies than in French movies. So it's sad, but even though I like sweet and peaceful moments, I enjoy the show way more when things go down and when characters are confronted with harsh, overwhelming situations because I can relate more. Episodes where everyone is happy, openminded and accepting are boring at best, unrealistic at worst. And portraying a coming out where not even one person isn't supporting it in France in 2019 would've honestly been utopic, even though coming outs that end well do happen. Just ask the cast. They said several times that they received lots of messages of people that weren't supported by those around them.

Skam France oversexualizes its characters

Once again, it's a French thing. French movies are famous for showing a lot of intimacy. Even I think that sometimes it gets way too sexual. I like how they portray these scenes in skam fr though. It looks more sensual than sexual. More of a physical connection than raw sex. It remains "pure". Trust me I've seen way worse than that ! It is acceptable to us, but I know you'll never see these kinds of scenes in a kdrama for example. See ? Cultural differences.

I don't like the humour in Skam France

Well everyone has his or her own sense of humour. At least to me, the characters are hilarious and conversations are totally loyal to teenagers' interractions. But it might also be because I understand those jokes more than I would understand British jokes. It's in my culture. Plus as good as translations are, sometimes humour transcends languages so it might be hard for foreigners to understand the whole thing. I sometimes look at translations and it saddens me to know that it can't convey the exact message. Choices of words are so important. I can't imagine how much I'm missing when I'm watching remakes in languages I'm not fluent in. Maybe that's also why I relate less to them.

Skam France is too art-oriented

Well, the editing, the lighting and the camera work are all executed in order to get a beautiful, ethereal, aesthetic result. But that's also a French thing. For the majority of us, we associate art with all these components. If they had filmed it in a more raw manner, the French would have seen Skam France as less "valuable". The show would have had less credibility in the audience's eye. It would look less professional.

Skam France music choices are inappropriate

Well it's a matter of personal tastes. They had a restricted choice of songs to begin with and even though thay could have stuck to less popular but more current songs, they included a lot of classical music and some people didn't like it. But in French cinema, its common to have classical music in dramatic scenes. So it fits perfectly in Skam France in my opinion. And I actually like the fact that they used unpopular musics, so I can associate them with their respective scenes. I guess it involuntarily adds to the artistic feeling of the show.

That's all I can think about for now. I do not claim that my point of view reflects all of the French population's opinion, but I believe it is important to consider cultural backgrounds especially when it comes to judging shows like Skam. Thank you if you read until the end! Feel free to add anything if you see something else !

[avengerscompound]

My Love,

My Love, - A Captain America Fanfic

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count:  3349

Warnings:  Fluff with a side of angst

Synopsis:   Steve writes you a letter every time he goes on a mission. They usually arrive after he gets back.

A/N:  For my #Happy Steve Bingo Fill: Letters

I really hate being away from you so long.  That’s the nature of the job I guess.  At least it takes me to interesting places.

France is nice.  Definitely prettier than the first time I was here.  Not too surprising really.

Even with the mission, Tony keeps splurging on things.  Paris definitely knows how to do opulent.  I try and imagine what it would be like if I went back in time and told myself that my life would turn out like this and all I can think is I’d have tried to fight myself for being a liar.  Size difference and all.

The food here is good.  Rich but you don’t eat much of it.  Sam ordered a cappuccino which is an Italian drink.  Bucky thought it was hilarious when the waitress rolled her eyes and then charged him tourist prices.

I’m hoping we can see the Louvre before we leave but I doubt we’ll have time.  I’ll try and wrap up as quickly as I can though.  I do like art.  It would be nice to see it.

If not, maybe I can bring you some time?  Just for a vacation.  There’s a bridge where lovers engrave their initials on a lock and lock it to the railing.  We could do that together.

I miss you, With love, Steve

I got your letter a week after you got back.  I still feel the need to write to you though because that has by far been the cutest thing you’ve ever done.  Who stops mid-mission to go to a post office?

I would, however, love to go to France with you.  Thank you for the tip about cappuccinos.  Knowing me I’ll screw something up though.  You’ll have to do all the ordering.  Just remember I’ll want to eat all the cheese.

I know you didn’t make it to the Louvre so we will make sure we go together.  There is nothing I like more than seeing you being all artistic.  Maybe they’ll inspire you.

I missed you like crazy too.  I’m so glad you’re home. XXXOOO

London is dreary.  It’s been raining almost constantly since we got here.  That kind of rain that almost just hangs in the air and soaks you to the bone.

Even though it’s changed, being here reminds me of Peggy.

I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.  I miss her.  It’s good to remember her and us.

Is it bad to be talking about a lost-love with a new one?  I’m sorry if that stepped over a line.

Sam won’t stop doing a bad English accent when he talks to locals.  I swear if he says ‘cheerio gov'na’ to one more person he’s going to get decked.  Bucky has been finding it extremely funny though.  I mean his accent is terrible.

Clint is obsessed with English breakfasts.  None of the rest of us understand it at all.  I mean, it comes with beans in tomato sauce and blood pudding that’s usually like rubbery disks.  He can’t get enough of it though and even though it’s eggs, bacon, beans, sausage, blood pudding, and toast, he still goes back for seconds every time.

We haven’t done much sightseeing this time.  I’ll buy you something really cheesy.

Love you and see you soon, Steve

Oh my god, I love you so much do you know that?  You are such a dork but so sweet I don’t even know what to do with you.  This time your letter arrived two days after you.  Kudos to the postal service.

You did come home with a bear dressed as a Queen’s Guard and stories of the Tower of London so lucky you got some sightseeing time.

Of course, you can talk to me about Peggy.  She was much more than an ex to you.  She was a first love and a lost life.  That’s important.  I love you and I don’t want you to hide important things from me just because you’re worried about petty things like jealousy.

I’m glad Sam was able to keep Bucky entertained.  I heard that accent, it was equal parts bad and hilarious.

I kind of want to try an English Breakfast now is that weird?  Or maybe I just want to see it. We’ll have to go together sometime too.  Also, let’s get fish and chips.  That’s a thing right?

I don’t think you understand how much I love you.

With all my heart XXXOOO

The middle of nowhere Serbia has nothing worth noting.  It’s cold and empty and it brings back bad memories.  No one is happy.  I don’t get cold easily but I hate it when I am and right now I am cold to my very bones.

Bucky has shut down almost completely.  He barely says anything to anyone.  Not even Sam or Clint are able to make him crack a smile.  I hope this is over soon.

I miss you.  I miss you like crazy.  I miss talking to you.  I miss holding you.  I miss how your lips feel against mine.  How mine feel against the rest of you.  I want to hold you and taste you and make love to you and instead I’m stuck here in the cold remembering what it’s like to die.

I love you.  Please don’t forget that. Steve

You can have whatever you need.  I’m right here.

I always like visiting China.  We don’t really get to come here often enough.  Even if it is for work.  Beijing is such an interesting city.  These temples that are older than Thor just alongside these wonders of modern architecture.

Also, everyone drives like maniacs.  I’m glad we have Clint to drive because I took a cab one time and thought for sure that was going to be the day I died.  And as you know, I don’t think those thoughts very often.

Natasha and Bucky speak fluent Mandarin and I think Bucky keeps saying shit about Sam to the locals because they keep giving him the weirdest looks anytime they speak to Bucky.  He won’t tell me what he’s saying though.

There’s a street food you can buy that’s like a savory pancake with an egg fried into it and some kind of crunchy thing that I’m not even sure what it is.  It tastes amazing though.  It has a spicy sauce that I can handle.  I’ve bought so many since I got here.

There is a fashion trend where people were little plastic flowers or leaves that look like they’re growing straight out of a person’s head.  Wanda loves it and bought herself a daisy.  She looks very cute wearing it.

We get stopped on the street a lot.  I’m glad we aren’t doing spy work because there is no way we’d be going unnoticed.  I will say I won’t miss the fact I get to have a small amount of anonymity back in New York.

I bought you a packet of Oreos with green and pink cream.  I think they’re peach and grape.  Only Clint was brave enough to taste them and he didn’t seem impressed.  And hot fish soup flavored chips.

Miss you.  This might be on the list of places we go.  What do you think? Steve

Man, this trip was a long one.  I miss you like crazy and I’m actually posting this to you before your even home.  Maybe it will be waiting for you before you get back.

At least it sounds like you’re having a good time.  I’m going to bug the hell out of Bucky to find out what he was saying about Sam.

I’m interested to see what the treats you’ve bought me are like.  Scared.  But interested.  I hope you buy me one of those head plants too.  They sound cute.  I definitely want to see Wanda wearing hers.

I hope you’re home soon.  I try not to, but I do worry when you’re gone.  I know you say it’s okay and normal.  And I know logically that that’s true, but I feel guilty about it.  Like you will then worry about me worrying about you.

Miss you so much.  I hope you’re ready for an embarrassing amount of PDA when your back.

XXXOOO

Austria is another country I think.  God, the buildings in Vienna are beautiful.

Tony is splurging again and I can’t even blame him.  It’s just one of those places.  A honeymoon place if you know what I mean?

When you order coffee here they serve it on a silver tray with a glass of water and a silver spoon.  Even places like McDonald’s serve it like that.   Clint says it’s about time he was treated like royalty because of his addiction.

The food is usually very heavy and meat is a big part of it but there’s always the lightest salad served on the side and the cakes here are amazing.

There are are some huge museums here in really old buildings.  I’d like to go see them.  Lots of art galleries too.  Gustav Klimt is from Vienna and his art features on a lot of banners around the city.  I would love to see it in person.

I’m surprised by how many people here dye their hair vibrant colors.  I mean I know it happens everywhere but I’ve never seen it in so commonly done.  Mostly young people in their late teens/early twenties but also lots of people of all ages.  Bucky said I should dye my hair so they fit in better and I kid you not an hour later Clint showed up with lavender hair saying he’s never going back to natural.

I miss you and love you.  I should be home soon. Steve

A honeymoon type place huh?  I see…

I got this letter a week after you got home.  Clint’s hair had already mostly washed out and I wish I had seen it so badly.  If you wanted to dye your hair I’d be okay with it.  As long as it wasn’t red, white, and blue.

I will definitely go to Vienna with you just for the cake and coffee experience.  If we have time I guess we can see some art too.

All my love XXXOOO

New Zealand is beautiful.  We’ve been traveling around with this one and in many ways, it reminds me of England in that it’s so green and it has been raining a lot.  But there’s something more … primal and … raw about it?  I guess those are the right words.  The mountains are huge and there’s a lot of volcanic activity.  Thor seems almost more alive here than I’ve ever seen him.

There is a lot of talk about Hobbiton and the Lord of the Rings around here.  Like that’s the thing you do in New Zealand.  I’d like to see it.  I read the Hobbit when it was released though I haven’t read the others or seen the movies.  They all came out while I was still on the ice.  Another thing to add to the list I guess.  That thing is getting longer and longer and I don’t seem to be making much of a dent in it.

The birds here are all very interesting.  I haven’t seen most of the really rare ones, although some government officials have organized to let us meet a kiwi once all the official work things are taken care of.

They call corner stores here dairies and Sam can’t stop laughing about it.  Oh also, one time we needed a cooler to store some… things… and the guy we bought it off called it a chilly bin.  Only with the accent, it sounded like chully bun and Sam didn’t stop laughing for a good hour after we left the store.   And then just randomly Bucky would say chully bun and set Sam off again for another 20 minutes.

I really love seeing them that happy, you know?

I bought you pineapple lumps because of the name.

I miss you.  I hope this wraps up soon. Steve

Oh my god, this one is a record-breaker.  It was a month after you got home that your letter arrived.  Man, the post office was in no hurry at all.

I have the Lord of the Rings movies here.  We can watch them next time you sleepover.  Which can be tonight if you like.

I really liked those pineapple lumps.  We should go to New Zealand just to get them.  I’m jealous that you got to hold a Kiwi bird.  I am totally framing that photo of you with it.  I’ve heard they have actual dinosaurs in New Zealand and I want to see them too.

I have to say, getting these letters from you is always something I look forward to.  It takes the edge off you going.  Like I know when you’re away at some random point in time I’m going to get a letter from you and I can look forward to it.

I love you so so much. XXXOOO

Santiago is such an intense city.  There are so many people.  It’s crowded all the time and the pollution hangs low to the ground.  It does make it easy to blend in though.  Even for us.

I love how the mountains loom over us.  They just go up so drastically that even though they aren’t even close it looks like they’re in walking distance.  I want to climb them but then also I really don’t want to do that either.

I’m having a little trouble with the food with my poor Irish stomach.  I have however discovered Ceviche.  Bucky is very uncertain as to why I would want to be eating raw fish but it is so good.  I think I’m going to try and make it when I get home.  I’ve probably eaten it every single day.

We aren’t getting to see very much this time though.  It’s pretty much been constant work.  We did have a naked Clint situation but I might let him tell you about it.  Make sure you ask him though.

I miss you and love you. Steve

Your Ceviche was wonderful and I’m so glad you have that as a thing you can make.  If nothing else, I’m glad you went to Chile for that alone.  Though I wish I could go with you on these things.  I mean, obviously, I know you can’t but still, the bed feels empty without you in it.

You are welcome to climb those mountains, but I think you might have to do it without me.  Unless you want to carry me.  You can probably carry me if you like.

Naked Clint situation you say?  Well, I guess I’m coming over to the compound.  I’ll see you soon.

Love you XXXOOO

I have been to Germany so many times I stopped seeing it as something interesting.  I’ve never been here for the Christmas markets though and I am absolutely bringing you back for them.

I have never really understood Christmas lights until seeing them here. It gets dark so early and it just looks magical.

I have never seen the team so happy to be on a mission before.  We’re doing the work… but we blend into the crowds in the dark. On the time off they’re going out and buying drinks in the street.  Maybe not the most responsible thing to do I guess.

Sam has found a stall that sells skewers of meat with a potato stuck on the end and he carries them around pretending he’s a Viking.

I bought you an ornament.  It’s not super Christmas themed so you can just put it up if you want to all year round.  It looks like a bird.  Clint keeps asking me if I want you to be thinking about him when I’m not around.  So of course now I’m only going to think of him when I see it.

I have never wished you were with me as much as I do right now.  I think you would really like it here.

I miss you and love you, Steve

It sounds amazing.  I love the bird and I will absolutely not think about Clint when I look at it.  I will think about how much I love you and how you always surprise me.

The Christmas Markets do sound good and you all looked very relaxed when you got back.  That doesn’t happen very often.  I really hope we can go one day.  There are so many things I would like to do with you now.   We are definitely going to have to organize a trip together but you’re always so happy to be home.  I don’t want to drag you away from that either.

This time your letter arrived three weeks after you did.  Not a record but I was starting to wonder if you forgot.  I should have more faith in you.

Love you XXXOOO

Sydney is really pretty.  It’s been really warm here despite coming off the tail end of winter I feel like I’m steaming to death in my uniform.  It’s funny when you go to a place and it’s just like the pictures on TV look.  The Harbor is like that.  With the Bridge and the Opera House.

I got to try Tim Tams.  Finally knocking some things off my damned list.  They’re pretty good.  One of the locals showed me this way to eat them where you kind of use them as a straw.  It was a little too sweet for me but Sam made sounds like he just had an orgasm.

It’s interesting the kinds of wildlife you see right in the city too.  I mean it’s not kangaroos or anything.  But they have those big white parrots.  Cockatoos?  Is that what they’re called.  And at night there are the biggest bats I’ve ever seen in my life.  Every time we see them Sam starts quoting Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Bucky tried eating kangaroo.  He said it was gamey but okay.  It’s funny how the rest of the team were too scared to do that.  We’re superheroes.  Oh well, I guess being too scared to eat marsupial isn’t going to end the world.

They sell opals everywhere here.  I bought you something.  I really, really hope you like it.  I think you will.

I miss you and love you.  See you soon. Steve

Five weeks!!  Five weeks this letter took me.  I can’t believe it.  And what do you mean present?  You never gave me a present.  Or are we talking those Tim Tams because I thought they were from Sam?  Sam definitely tried to make it very clear they were from him.  The whole ‘you may want to ditch Steve for me after this’ thing and all.

They were pretty damn good, but it will take more than a chocolate cookie to pull me away from you.

I really want to see giant bats.  Is Australia on our list?  It’s pretty big.  There’s got to be more to it than just Sydney.

Love you so much. XXXOOO

I’m writing this on the plane on the way back from Sydney.  Even with the Quinjet, it takes a long, long time to get from Sydney to New York.  Lots of time to think.

Obviously, I was already thinking this, because I bought the ring before I wrote the letter.  I just wanted to make sure you knew exactly how I felt.

I love you so much.  You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night.  When we are apart every small thing I enjoy I wish I was sharing with you.  When we are together I feel as safe and happy as I ever have.

I love you and I want to share the rest of my life with you.  I want us to visit the world as a couple enjoying all the little things I always miss.

Will you marry me? Steve

[katlyn1948]

I was tagged by @go-catch-a-chickn! Thank you!

1. Zodiac Sign: Gemini

2. Last thing I googled: If Clint Eastwood has died because I saw this spoof article on Facebook. Wanted to know if it was the truth...he’s very much alive

3. Song stuck in my head: Hi Hopes by Panic! At The Disco

4. Favourite musicians: Post Malone, The Jonas Brothers, Hozier, Halsey, Taylor Swift, Dan & Shay, Adele

5. Do you get asks: Sometimes...not as frequent as I would like, bust sometimes

6. Amount of 💤?: what’s sleep? I work and go to school full time so I’m lucky to get 4 hours??? Although last night I said “fuck it” and went to bed at like 9 so I ended getting about 9 hours of sleep. It felt so nice

7. Lucky number: I don’t know...don’t really have one, I suppose.

8. What are you wearing: A tan sweater and army green capris with clogs.

9: Dream trip: a trip to Italy. I have some italian in me and would love to experience that culture. I would love to explore the small country sides and sip wine on a vineyard

10. Instruments you play:

I used to play the clarinet. Haven’t in a while though, so I probably don’t remember much.

11. Languages you speak: English and Spanish, although my Spanish is not very good. I understand it perfectly, but speaking it tends to be difficult for me. I’m a 2nd generation Latina/American so I wasn’t taught like my mom was from my grandparents

12. Favourite song: Impossible for me to choose! I would say at the current moment...probably Hesitant by The Jonas Brothers. It made me cry the first time I listened to it

13. Random fact: 

This is sort of ambiguous. Do you want a random fact about myself or just a random fact in general? Well I have a really good sense of smell. I can tell what your eating from across a room just by the smell. In general, one of first wine glasses was shaped out of Marie Antoinnette boob...so...

14. Cats or dogs:

Dogs. I’m highly allergic to cats. It’s really bad. I break out in hives and sneeze like crazy and become all itchy

15. Aesthetic:  Homeless hippy

16. Playlist on shuffle:

I have over 1000 songs in my playlist so...can’t really tell you. It’s public so if you wanna head over to Spotify to check it out, by all means go ahead!

I am tagging @obsessivewriter @thereluctantbadger @dragongoddess13

[choicesjunkie]

Spoilers TRR Book 2, Chapter 9

Drake fell heavily into his seat in the limo. He let his head fall back and covered his face with one arm.

“Damn, Andorra, I’m sorry.” He said, heaving a sigh. “I was such an idiot.”

“Drake…” I started, not entirely sure what to say at first. But the thought that rose above the rest was, “I’ve never seen you so worked up.”

“I don’t know what happen,” He said, straightening and running his hand through his hair in a fluid motion until he clenched it into a fist on the back of his neck. “I need to get myself under control.”

His other hand whipped out to the side, his fist slamming into the door in frustration. “Damn it!” He took a deep breath, still trying to calm himself. “Damn it…” He shifted, leaning forward and catching his head in both hands.

It sounded like he was fighting tears. This was the moment that I was supposed to come up with some kind of witty, disarming quip that would make him chuckle in that way he has and ease the tension. But what could I say? The whole situation was a mess. I didn’t blame him for losing it, considering all of the emotionally jarring situations that had occurred in the last twenty four hours.

Drake’s shoulders rose and fell with a sigh before he finally looked at me. His eyes widened, and I can only assume that I looked frightened. Not gonna lie, his hitting the door like that was hot. But… it also kind of spooked me.

“Andorra, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s okay, I understand.” I cut him off, rubbing my arm uncomfortably.

“No,” He said sharply. “I scared you. That’s not okay, and I need you to know that I would never hurt you. I don’t care how bad my temper is, you never  have to be afraid of me.”

“Drake,” I said, holding up a finger to silence him. “I’m not afraid of you.”

“But-“ He started but I cut him off again.

“I’m not afraid of you. But I understand your anger, and I know it wasn’t directed at me.” Even though it should be. “You scared me, but I don’t think I could ever be afraid of you, no matter what you do.”

“Andorra…” The regret was evident on his face. I managed a sad smile and moved to sit next to him.

“I’m serious,” I laid my hand on his knee with what I hoped was gentle, reassuring pressure. “If there was one person in the world that I can imagine taking a bullet for me, it would be you.”

“You know I would.” Drake whispered, the emotions warring inside him, choking his voice a bit.

“Yeah, well, let’s not test it. I rather like you alive.” I said with a small laugh. That got a faint smile out of him. Disarming comment? Check.

“I just… I feel like I have so little control when I’m angry.” His eyes closed. “I can’t stop seeing the look on your face from a few minutes ago.” He grimaced. “I know that these are… Extreme circumstances, to say the least. But I haven’t lost control of myself like that in… I don’t even know how long.”

“Hey, look at me.” He looked up from his hunched position. My hand tightened on his leg. “I feel the safest I’ve ever been right now, and that’s because I’m with you.”

His eyes widened slightly, and he exhaled slowly, his hand sliding over mine and gripping it tightly. I laid my other hand over his.

“Stop trying to beat yourself up. If anything, you should feel sorry for almost punching Bertrand. Isn’t there a rule about picking on someone your own size?”

Drake’s eyes narrowed at the mention of Bertrand. “He has a lot to answer for. Trying to sell those pictures, abandoning my sister…” His face tightened for a moment, and I squeezed his hand with both of mine. He relaxed.

“Granted, I don’t have the familial ties, but I am personally more upset at Bastien. How could he stand there and lie to your face?”

“Damn, first the Beaumonts, now Bastien… Can we trust anyone here?” Drake said after another steadying breath. “I need to get away… away from this two-faced world and all it’s damned lies.”

I felt my heart skip a beat. “Where are you going to go?” I asked, a stab of pain in my chest at the thought of Drake leaving and not coming back.

“I saw a dive bar on the way over that should have plenty of drink and zero nobles.” He said distractedly.

“Oh, thank god. I thought you meant you were leaving.” I said, calming down again. This had been an emotionally intense day, and they could both use a drink.

“Leave you to the sharks, Andorra? Never.” He said seriously. “If I were going to leave for real, I’d want you to come with me.”

Such a simple thing, but it broke my mind a little. There was no way to make a decision between Drake and Liam. They were both so wonderful in such different ways. As terrible as it was, I found myself wishing that I could just have both of them. But that wouldn’t be fair to them… would it? Eh, I’d think about it later. Right now, Drake needed me.

“Are you inviting me out for a drink, Drake Walker?” I asked with a grin.

“There’s no one I’d rather have join me tonight.” He said, with a half smile.

“Count me in!” I said, squeezing his hand again before I remembered that I’d been holding it. Amazing how natural his hand felt holding mine. “A dive bar sounds like the perfect cure for all this drama.

“Really?” He asked, perking up.

“”What, you thought I’d turn you down?”

“Well…” He looked away again, guilt behind his eyes.

“Get the thought out of your head, Walker.” I said sternly. He chuckled quietly.

“Then let’s get out of here.”

~*~*~

A little while later, we arrived at the dive bar. Apparently, we didn’t need the limo, since the bar was close.

“Now this is more like it.” Drake said in satisfaction, giving the dive an appreciative nod.

“Wow, I didn’t expect an American theme in Paris.” I was honestly surprised, though I probably shouldn’t have been. New York had themed bars, why wouldn’t Paris?

“Hey, I’ll take it. First round’s on me.”

“You mean you didn’t pick this place just for the ambience?” I asked, nudging him with my elbow as we walked to a table.

“Hah,” I probably could have tried to convince myself that it has been a real laugh, but even I’m not that deluded.

I sat down at a booth as he walked over to the bartender and gestured at a bottle of whiskey on a shelf. In a few minutes, he returned with two tumblers and a bottle in hand.

“Here you go.” Drake handed me a tumbler and poured the whiskey. I nodded my thanks.

“Easier than ordering pasta in Italian?” I asked casually, smiling.

“Hey, drinks are an even more universal language than food. Just point at what you want, and they’ll pour it.” He took a short sip and wrinkled his nose.

“Aw, did you get spoiled by this whiskey’s grandfather?” I teased, taking a sip of my own glass and wrinkling y nose just like him.

“Apparently, we both were.” He said with chagrin. “We’ll get used to it.”

“That, we will. Now, tell me… How on earth did you spot this place? I didn’t even see it when we drove to the speakeasy.”

“It’s a gift. Drop me in any country and I can find you a dive bar.” Drake said with a shrug.

“Sounds like a pretty handy gift.”

“Feel free to make use of it whenever you want, Andorra.” He grinned in that way that gets my heart pounding. I took another sip of whiskey.

“So,” I said after a moment of loaded silence. “Did you learn that on more solo expeditions while Liam was stuck in fancy parties?” I didn’t need to feel guilty thinking Liam right now. I was comforting Drake, and that was what a good friend should do. I was doing nothing wrong. At this point, anyway. Good Lord.

“I’ve gotten used to being on my own.” He said it so nonchalantly, I felt a small spike of pain in my chest.

“I wish I could’ve been there to keep you company.” I said honestly. It was no wonder Drake was always so grumpy.

“You know what? Me too.”

Another loaded silence and the tension started to rise. I tried not to think about the things my imagination wanted to think about.

“Well, I’m here now, and you’re going to have a hard time getting rid of me.”

“Get rid of you, Andorra? Never.” He said, looking into my eyes. I suddenly felt warm, and he looked away quickly. Probably because of the blush on my face, but who knows?

“So… should we talk about what happened back there?” I asked, quietly. I needed to change the subject, and though we talked a bit in the limo, we had focused more on his temper. I knew that were was a lot more he probably needed to get off his chest. “I’m sorry we never really got a chance to talk about everything after we left Savannah’s place. Judging by what happened with Bertrand, I guess you’ve been thinking about it.”

“Believe me, I with I stop thinking about it.” Drake said with a frown. “I’ve worried about Savannah every single day since he ran away. I never stopped looking for her. I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that Maxwell knew where she was and didn’t tell me, or the fact that my own sister didn’t want me to find her.”

“Hey, he was just trying to respect Savannah’s wishes.” I said, feeling the need to defend Maxwell, despite the crappiness of the decision he’d had to make. “I know it sucks, but it’s what she asked him to do. He was trying to protect her. Isn’t that what you would’ve done in his shoes?” Drake pursed his lips for a moment.

“Maybe you’re right. I just hate the fact that she thought she needed protecting from me. I know I’m not always the easiest person to get along with…”

“True.” I said, nodding. Then I grinned at him.

“…but I like to think I could’ve been there for her in some way. Though, seeing how I acted today, I’m not surprised that she didn’t want to tell me what was going on.” He tensed, clearly remembering how he’d acted when his temper had gone out of control. He continued before I could say anything. “After tonight, I’m starting to feel like I can’t trust anyone.”

“Oh, Drake.” I took his hand from across the table. “I know Bastien was like family to you.”

“Yeah.” Drake said shortly, shoulders tense. Then he relaxed, though he looked even more pained. “It wasn’t just that he was around for us when we were kids. When my father died… Bastien was the one who looked out for us. He drove us to the funeral. Told us old stories about dad.”

“I’m so sorry, Drake. I didn’t realize what a blow this would be.”

“Me too, Andorra. Me too.” He said quietly, his fingers massaging the bridge of his nose. “I learned a long time ago that I couldn’t trust any nobles, but at least we had Bastien looking out for us from the inside. And now…”’ He sighed. “ I thought I knew him. Now he’s involved in the plot against you, Maxwell helped hide Savannah from me, and Bertrand’s a father.”

“To be fair, Bastien’s actions were against me, not you. I don’t think he realized how upset you would be by the whole thing.” I said with a small shrug. “Not much I can say about the other two things…” I grimaced and took another drink. I noticed that Drake’s glass was half empty already, and I was starting to feel pleasantly warm. “But for what it’s worth, Drake… I know this is hard, but I’m here for you. You can count on that. No matter what happens.” As I said the words, I knew in my soul that they were true. Regardless of how things went between Liam and I, no matter what happened with Drake on the romantic end, I’d always be there or him for as long as he wanted me.

Drake sat still for several moments, staring into his glass. I felt his thumb stroke my hand as though absentmindedly. The silence stretched long enough that I almost said something just to break the tension, but then he spoke.

“You promise, Andorra?” He asked, his voice little more than a whisper. Despite the lack of volume, the depth of the words hit me hard and deep. Here was a man who’d always been put second(at best) in favor of his best friend. I knew what he had to be thinking. If- no, when it came down to the choice of him or Liam, would I still feel so strongly about being there for him? Would I be able to be there for him? It was a heavy question. But my heart was telling me that the answer was…

“Drake, no matter what happens between us in the future, I promise. Why do you think I’m here?” I squeezed his hand again, and he shifted his hand so that our fingers interlocked.

“You… you mean a lot to me, Andorra.” He said, his voice thick. “I’m glad you’re still on my side, at least.”

“Someone has to be,” I said with a sad smile. “Besides, I wasn’t going to let you spend tonight moping by yourself.” My sad smile turned into a determined grin. We’d had enough angst for one day. “I officially declare all courtly drama off limits until tomorrow. This is a dive bar, and we’re not gonna let it go to waste.” At the moment, I found that I didn’t want to think about the Liam situation. He was like an open flame, hot and passionate, washing out everything around it. But that flame burned itself out so quickly when we weren’t physically together. How I felt for Drake was like the slow burning embers of a campfire. The kind that keep you warm long after the flame goes out. It was enough to want to see where it could go.

“Does that mean… more drinks?” Drake asked hopefully.

“Very much so. And it means it’s time for… a drinking game!” I said, pulling my hand from his as I gesticulated enthusiastically.

“Oh boy.” Drake said, his lack of enthusiasm doing nothing to dampen my own.

“You don’t even know what game it is yet!” I said, trying my best to sound chipper.

“I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.” He said flatly.

“This one’s called ‘Never Have I Ever’. You say something you’ve never done, and if the other person has done it…” I trailed off.

“They take a drink?” Drake suggested sarcastically.

“See? You’re a natural. Also, in the spirit of the day we’ve had, I’ll choose not to acknowledge the snark.” I said, holding up a finger to halt his retort. “Whoever’s had the least drinks after 3 rounds wins.”

“I don’t know about this,” Drake said, playfully skeptical. “You sure you want to go up against me in a drinking game?”

“Drake, that sounds like a challenge.” I lifted my glass and tilted it slightly toward him. “And I accept.”

“It wasn’t…” Drake started, but he quickly switched gears, realizing what I was doing. “No, never mind. You’re on, Andorra. Alright, it’s your game, so you get to start.”

He refilled our glasses with whiskey and looks at me expectantly. Crap, I hadn’t actually gotten this far. I was hoping I would be able to get him to go first so I could model my questions after his. I wasn’t sure if it was me or the alcohol(not that I’d had enough to really affect me much, but it was an easy scapegoat), but one of us decided that a certain line of questioning would be the most fun. However, I managed to subvert it for one round, hoping to lull him into a false sense to security.

“I guess I’d better make this first question count.” Ah, yes. Count, it would. I had considered saying something about being a prince’s best friend, but in the end, I decided that leaving courtly stuff out was for the best. “Never have I ever… Been called Drake Walker.”

“What?” Drake asked, surprised. “Are you even allowed to do that?”

“I play for keeps! There’s no rule against scoring easy points!” I said enthusiastically, and crowed with laughter. Drake scowled as he took a long drink.

“I’ll remember that,” He said with narrowed eyes.

“Good, because it’s your turn!” I said, leaning forward on my elbows, watching him intently.

“Never had I ever… been set up with someone.” He said simply, apparently opting out of easy points. Not that he didn’t still get a drink out of me.

“Really, you haven’t?” I asked, honestly surprised.

“Not even once.”

“I guess Maxwell and Liam aren’t the kind of friends who go around setting you up, huh?” I asked, cocking my head to one side. I would have expected it more from Maxwell than Liam regardless.

“They’ve usually got their own things going on. Drink up.”

I raised my glass and drank as long a drink as Drake had. It was difficult not to cough, but I wasn’t about to cough after a drink if Drake didn’t. I wasn’t that drunk yet.

“One to one. That’s more like it.” He said with a grin. “And it wasn’t even a cheap shot.” He gloated smugly.

“Not for long,” I promised, deciding that shock value would be my best line of attack. “Never have I ever… Imagined someone in this room naked.” The look on his face was priceless. It really was too bad that I didn’t have my phone recording the moment.

“Yes?” I asked innocently as Drake stared me down. After a moment, he took another long drink. Shivers went down my spine.

“You never go easy on me, do you, Andorra?” He asked with a low chuckle.

“Never.” A smile played on my lips.

“Don’t look so smug. How do you know that this has anything to do with you?” He challenged. “Maybe I’m thinking of the bartender.”

I glanced back at the burly, tattooed man pouring drinks.

“I guess I’ll never really know.” I said, playing along.

“Exactly. Ahem. Now it’s my turn.” He said, clearing his throat awkwardly. “Never have I ever… Taken advantage of a barn raising to stare at someone with their shirt off.”

“What- hey!” I sputtered. How dare he employ the same tactic that I did. At the same time, it did make this game a bit more interesting…

“Am I wrong?” He asked casually, swirling his whiskey in his glass. Damn it, Drake.

“You know, you could’ve kept your shirt on that day.” I said, raising my glass. Not that I really wanted to complain, because, damn.

“Maybe I wanted you to look.” He said, looking into my eyes. “ I inhaled sharply, as I had a small headrush. That comment made my insides feel like they were vibrating against each other. A moment later, I hid a smile as I took my drink. Yes, I was glad that I’d suggested this game.

Drake leaned back in his seat, looking satisfied.

“Don’t get too comfortable. We’re still for one more round!” I scolded him playfully.

“You’re on.” He said, leaning forward once more and refilling our glasses. “Alright, Andorra. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

“Never have I ever…” I needed to make sure I won this, and I was reasonably certain about the outcome of this round if I used the ace up my sleeve. If I was wrong, however… “Had a scandalous dream about the two of us in bed together.” I finished, watching him stiffen.

“You really play for keeps, Andorra.” He said in a low voice. “I’m kind of impressed.”

“A rare compliment from Drake Walker.” I said, nodding my head slightly in acknowledgement. “And the answer?”

He locked eyes with me and my pulse sped up again as he took another long drink.

I bit my lip. “I knew it.” I said triumphantly.

“Don’t get too cocky. I’ve still got one change left.” He reminded me.

“Final shot,” I said, gesturing for him to take his turn.

“Never have I ever… Eaten a deep-dish pizza.”

“Nice try,” I said with a surprised laugh. “But that makes two of us.”

“What?” He asked, surprised. “You’ve gotta be honest with me, Andorra.”

“I am! You’re talking to a New Yorker, remember? Deep-dish is a Chicago thing,” I said with a melodramatic sigh.

“Let me guess. There are no do-overs in this game.” He asked with a grimace.

“Nope. You have to live with your mistakes.”

“Alright, that brings the score to… Three points to two. Looks like you won this one, Andorra.” He said, taking another drink of whiskey.

“That’s it? You aren’t going to give me a hard time?” I asked suspiciously.

“Not right now, anyways.” He said. “You were right. This was way less terrible than thinking about everything back at court.”

“So what did I win?” I asked deviously.

“Win?” He asked, narrowing his eyes at me. “I didn’t know we were playing for stakes.”

“House rules. You owe me something.” I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “The stakes are… A kiss.”

“Andorra…” Drake said, the hesitation slight. The majority of the never have I ever topics in addition to all of the whiskey making him less controlled that usual. “Are you sure about this?”

“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want.” I said flippantly, trying to hide the hope in my voice. “But after tonight and everything that’s happened, I…”

Drake slid from his side of the booth and into mine, pushing me against the wall. He held me close, hesitating briefly with our lips barely touching before he kissed me hungrily. Like he’d just been waiting for me to give him an excuse to do this, and I was not at all complaining. Maybe I’d have to give him a few more excuses…

He pulled away much sooner than I would have liked. We were both breathless, and his face dropped to my neck, breathing slow and deep. It sent more shivers down my spine, causing an outbreak of goosebumps to break out down my arms. He pulled away slowly, and looked into my eyes.

“You don’t make this easy.” He said, his voice tight with restraint.

“I dunno, it felt pretty easy to me…” I said with a flirtatious flip of my hair.

“Very funny. I mean, trying to control how I feel about you. I can’t.” His voice got tighter as he spoke.

“Is that such a bad thing?” I asked, raising a hand to touch his cheek.

“I don’t know,” He groaned as he leaned into my hand. He reached out as if to brush a strand of hair out of my face, but caught himself. He pulled his hand back, and retreated from my fingers. “I’d be lying if I said I regretted it, though.”

“So would I,” I said quietly, dropping my hand to my lap.

We were quiet as the bartender came by the table to pick up our glasses. I looked around.

“Oh, we’re the only ones here.” I said hesitantly. “He probably wants to close up.”

“Yeah.” Drake cleared his throat. “We should get going.”

I moved to get up, but Drake was still next to me in the booth, and he held up a hand to stop me.

“I just wanted to say… thanks. For coming with me. I’m glad I didn’t end up drinking alone tonight.”

“Drake…” How could I express what I was feeling? “ You have to know that I care about you. I could never leave you to deal with all of this alone. You’re important to me.”

“I don’t pretend to understand why.” Drake said, his face flushing ever so slightly. “But I’m glad.” The last three words came out closer to a whisper that I wasn’t certain that I was meant to hear. “We should get going, or we’ll both be asleep on our feet tomorrow.”

“You’re probably right,” I said, the heat in my chest having very little to do with the alcohol, and Drake and I left the bar and headed slowly toward the train cars.