#I want this. I want nothing LESS than this. I contain multitudes!

[lunar-years]

Oh. I’m terrified.

[funnywormz]

i've been thinking a lot abt aging in dungeon meshi and how it's so different for the different races, but especially how it's so different for marcille. even among half-elf half-tallmen, they all tend to age at different rates both mentally and physically. marcille herself is implied to go through random growth spurts and spend some parts of her life aging like a tallman and other parts of it not aging at all. growing up she couldn't fit in with tallmen her own age bc they were already more mature than her, but she couldn't fit in with elves her own age either bc they were all much LESS mature.

i get the impression she's meant to be ~20 in appearance now, despite being abt 50 in her actual age. 50 is simultaneously really young for an elf, when elves live for like 500-1000 years, and pretty old for a tallman, and positively geriatric for a half-foot. and you can see all of these elements in her. in some scenes the way she throws tantrums and cries and is petty or easily excitable, makes her come across as childish. but then in other scenes she's far more mature and shows that she has a breadth of knowledge and power that comes from a very dark and ancient place. and sometimes you can FEEL that she's looking at the others thinking abt how she's still going to be in the prime of life long after they're dead.

the manga delves into it more, with her deepest desire being to equalise the lifespans between races, and the isolation she feels due to being half tallman half elf. and the fact that she could never have her own biological children and yet her lifespan is far longer than even most elves. that she brings falin back to life even while knowing that she could be imprisoned for it if the other elves find out, and wants her friends to live as long as she will, even though she knows they won't. full of so much life and yet all she wants to do is give it away so that others can live..........

there's also just the fact that her character feels very relatable from the perspective of someone in their 20s. she's simultaneously very grown up and wise but also naive and arrogant at times. alternating between feeling like she knows everything and nothing. independent and determined and yet struggles without the help of others. mature and dignified while also being childish and very silly. sometimes a strict rule follower and other times a literal criminal.

it's like she's caught between two worlds in so many ways. she's got so many conflicting traits just like real people have conflicting traits, and her own personality is constantly pulling her in different directions. idk where i'm going with this but man she contains multitudes. i love marcille so fucking much

[creatingnikki]

i wanted you to buy me sunflowers. i wanted you to take me to a bookstore. i wanted you to hear my stories and read my writing and drink coffee with me. but you cannot even find it in you to be present. so fuck it, i'm not mad. i'm only observing and processing. ah, so this is who you are — unreliable, inconsistent. i'm not anxious, even though my attachment style may be. you're not making me sad, you're only making me more confident in my judgement. ah, so this is why we don't rush into making grand declarations of love and those who pull a Ted Mosby cannot be trusted. you've given me cute nicknames and you try so hard to make me laugh and you've already heard me cry twice but so what? this only means what it means and nothing more and nothing less. thank you, I do appreciate the soft and tender ways you've been with me. but i'm twenty seven now and have enough experience and objectivity to not let that window dress the other not so nice things. we all contain multitudes and baby i am all for understanding yours — but if you won't consider me, i'm not going to keep waiting for you sitting here on the sidewalk smoking through an entire pack of cigarettes wondering why i'm not good enough. because now more than ever before, i know i am.

[artificial-transmutations]

Out Now: Dam Breakers

Hello everyone! I'm extremely excited (and, quite frankly, more than a bit nervous) to announce that I finished my fantasy romance novel Dam Breakers!

For the very TLDR-version: It is available here! Be sure to read the disclaimer below, though.

First of all, thank you! Everyone who reads my stories or likes them shows me that there is at least some interest in my mediocre writing. And even though the novel is not exactly like my stories here (more to that later), it gives me hope that you and other people might like it.

Now, for the actual novel!

Dam Breakers is the tale of Jared, a rather normal modern day college student, and Aleron, an apprentice mage living in a secluded tower with his teacher. One fateful day, they meet and are drawn into a maelstrom of magic, change and love - and dark secrets threatening to destroy everything they loved.

With over 120000 words, this is not only my longest story yet, but also my most carefully crafted one. I will attach an image of my Obsidian graph for the story at the end of the post.

Disclaimer:

As I have mentioned, it is a bit different from the stories I usually post here. First and foremost, it's a lot tamer. This novel isn't meant as a porn piece, but as an intriguing fantasy and romance tale. While there is love, desire and sex, of course, it's way more sparse and less explicit than, for example Closer Than Flesh.

It also features transformation themes, and the concept of change is one of the main focus points of the book, but, again, don't expect 500 pages full of transforming bodies because of it :)

And, finally, for a multitude of reasons, it does not contain AI generated images. I wouldn't be able to generate any that do the story justice, anyway.

Now that you know what not to expect, here are some things you MAY expect:

Transformation. Both in the sense of bodily changes but intriguing character development as well.

Gay Love. This is a story about two men from different worlds falling in love with each other, and their stony road to being together.

Magic. It's a fantasy story, and a truly enchanting one at that, with a fresh concept of magic and change.

Story. Last, but certainly not least, it's a good and interesting read, at least according to my opinion. Since I might be a bit biased here, let me tell you that my beta readers agree.

If you still want to read it (and I hope you do!), then you can grab your copy here:

If you are not in the US, you can just replace the .com with, for example, .co.uk to go to your local Amazon marketplace

I have not forgotten, of course, that I promised a special condition for you folks at Tumblr. Since Amazon makes it a bit difficult to actually implement that, I plan to offer a time limited discount or giveaway in a few weeks. I'll announce the exact time here on my blog beforehand.

If you really want to support me, it would mean a lot to me if you could leave a review on Amazon. That influences the algorithm a lot and helps the book get visibility, which is incredibly important . So, please, if you like the book, leave a review.

Teaser / Preview (mild spoilers)

And here is a short look into the book, from chapter 4. It contains some mild spoilers, but nothing too important. I also added an AI image, which is not in the book (see above).

[...]

Even though the weather was unstable, Jared enjoyed the journey through the vibrant spring land. It was a closeness to nature he had never experienced. Even back home with his parents, in rural Texas, the land had seemed different. Back there, the wilderness had been tamed decades if not centuries ago. There was no wonder, no adventure. Here, there were hills and forests, rivers and bogs, and who knew what else. It was as if Jared was seeing the world for the first time. Not to mention the smell. Jared could not remember a time when he had smelled the spring air like this.

In addition to the landscape, Jared's traveling companion also played a big part. Aleron was an intelligent and witty conversationalist, and Jared learned a lot about his new friend. They spoke of everything under the sun, and Jared told stories of his home, of modern inventions and the differences between this world and his. Even though Aleron was fascinated by his tales, he was also clearly skeptical about some of them, especially when it came to the more complex topics. That was only fair, though, as Jared himself had a hard time believing the fantastic stories of this world, even after having experienced some with his own eyes. Dragons, for example. It didn't matter how often Aleron recited what little information he had about those magnificent beasts, something in Jared resisted fully believing in them. He hoped that he would be able to see one of them for real - although Aleron repeatedly stressed how dangerous they were - in order to be able to fully believe in them.

While Aleron's world was certainly magical, it wasn't all like in the Lord of the Rings. There were, for example, no other humanoid races, as Jared learned. No elves, dwarves or orcs, at least to Aleron's knowledge, which, to be fair, mainly included the Kingdom of Myrthien. Although the Whispering Woods were not technically a part of Myrthien, and were generally considered wilderness, it was clear that they were no part of another nation either. The closest neighboring country to the Whispering Woods would either be the Golden Isles beyond the coast south of Eldoria or the Verdant Lands to the west. According to Aleron, the Verdant Lands couldn't really be considered a nation, too. It was more of a loose confederation of tribal communities, living in the characteristic dense forests of that region.

As Helena had promised, Luminara wasn't difficult to find. The capital of Myrthien was well known and if there was a sign post somewhere, it was sure to point to Luminara.

There was no shortage of smaller and bigger settlements, and about every third or fourth night they were able to sleep in beds. During the other nights, they made camp a bit off the road in order not to attract too much attention. It was one of those nights, about two weeks after they had left Eldoria, that Jared woke up in the middle of the night. Aleron, who was sleeping next to him, was moving in his sleep and occasionally made a sound, which had caused Flicker to gain a bit of distance to the sleeping man.

It was clear to Jared that his friend was dreaming, and he briefly considered waking him up from his nightmare. However, judging by the sounds, Jared began to suspect that Aleron was not having a nightmare but quite the opposite, although the dream seemed to be just as intense.

Quietly, he left the tent, careful not to wake the sleeping mage. Outside, he was greeted by the stars and a clear sky with an almost full moon. The campfire was almost dead, just a few embers and ashes were left. It was a quiet, peaceful night, and Jared decided to go to the nearby lake to drink. Aleron had never once shown a single sign of sexuality before, except for demonstrating a certain uneasiness around nudity and related topics. He never had commented on any woman - or man - in a suggestive way, so Jared had been half- convinced that this whole topic didn't have any relevance to the mage at all.

Of course, for his own reasons, Jared had avoided the subject as well, so, perhaps Aleron thought the same about him. Jared didn't mind that. As magical as this world was, he had yet to encounter a single sign of same-sex attraction. Perhaps this wasn't a thing here, biologically, or perhaps it was socially frowned upon, like in his world's medieval ages - or rural Texas, present day. In any case, there was absolutely no reason to bring that topic up, so he didn't. Not bringing up his sexuality was a sport he was very experienced in for 9 years straight now, after all.

As Jared neared the lake, he was feeling weird and tingly all over. It was not entirely unpleasant, but it stirred a vague memory in Jared. He had felt this feeling once before, but he couldn't quite recall when.

When he bent down to scoop some water into his hand, he stopped before his fingers touched the surface of the lake. The moon was bright, and Jared could see his reflection in the mirror-smooth water quite well. The only problem was that it was not him who was looking back at him.

Of course, there was a strong resemblance, but the details weren't right. His face looked somewhat stronger, his jawline a bit squarer. His hair a bit lighter and styled like the day he first stepped out of the mirror. On his chin, there was a short well-groomed beard even though he had shaved just last morning. It wasn't just his face, though. As he looked down on himself, he looked fitter than he should, as if he was visiting a gym regularly. In fact, the definition of muscle on his torso increased further, just as he was watching. Suddenly, the wonder was replaced by fear. He had felt that way before, and now he remembered when. It had been during his first visit to Aleron's world, when his body was 'destabilizing' as Aleron had put it. Given, the feeling had been stronger then, but it was definitely the same. And now, his body was changing again, and he was weeks of travel from the magic mirror.

Half-panicking, he sprinted back to the tent, not caring about being quiet anymore. Perhaps Aleron knew what to do! He ducked into the entrance and called out to the mage.

"Aleron, wake up!"

Almost immediately, the apprentice jolted awake. "Jared? What is wrong?"

"I... don't know, it's me. Look at me!"

After a few words of encouragement, Flicker began burning brighter, allowing them to see in the tent as well. Aleron looked at the half-naked Jared critically for a few moments before asking: "Okay... what am I looking for?"

"Can't you see? I'm..." However, as Jared looked down on himself, everything was fine again. He was looking at his plain old self, just as he should look like. The tingling feeling was gone, too.

"Oh." Jared felt incredibly stupid all of a sudden. "I... must have been imagining things."

[...]

If you liked the teaser, be sure to give the whole thing a read :)

Let me close with another whole-hearted Thank You for your continued interest!

Stay awesome!

And here, as promised, a peek at the creative complexity of the story:

[senseandaccountability]

Depending on the story

(Some Solas thoughts)

I see some takes that are saying that in DAV Solas is finally true to himself, this is who he is, he is an asshole who always lies and betrays you. And yes, sure. This is the Dread Wolf dreadwolfing. But the whole point of his character arc is that he is also very, very much still Solas from DAI. And Mythal’s second in command, her lapdog, who carried out atrocities while he was bound (figuratively or literally) to her service. And Fen’Harel who started a rebellion because he hates abuse of power and who (likely) got caught up in the Godhood of it all the way everyone would because that’s certainly a theme of the series. And he is also still the Fen’Harel who (probably) crossed all the lines he set for himself and couldn’t stop until the Evanuris had fallen. And, more recently also the slightly unhinged Fen'Harel who boosted his own godhood powers by killing his oldest friend to be able to fulfill his final duty.

The story about you shifts with the ones telling it.

That doesn’t mean that people have one true self and the rest of it is lies and manipulation even if that’s a popular trope in stupid media and self-help capitalism.

That means that people are complex and contain multitudes.

To each their own but for me, the appeal of Solas isn’t that he’s a powerful asshole. For me, a lot of the appeal of his character lies in the fact that he does these big nasty things and he feels genuinely bad about them. He does them because he works with a flawed internal logic that tells him they need to be done and better him than someone who is deriving pleasure from it, who isn’t as brilliant as he is. An internal logic where the end - to correct his own mistakes, to free the elves he has failed, to not back away from the road he choose because that means he’s ruined things for nothing - justifies the means. What we see in the lore and memories of DAV is how the Dread Wolf persona came to be, all the way from manifesting as a spirit of Wisdom to being ready to kill anyone to finish “healing” the world he never meant to break. He hasn’t stopped being either of the things he was; there is textual evidence however that he does not wish to be the Dread Wolf, a self crafted in a different time, that he did not particularly want to be the Dread Wolf back then either, judging by a letter from Felassan who claims they must indeed play up those parts to make him out as someone strong enough to protect people. In the good ending he can, beautifully and ironically enough, be just strong enough to protect people while also shedding the Dread Wolf part - whereas the bad ending traps him in the role as an avenging wolf.

Nothing of what he says in DAI about spirits or the terrible price of war (or about replacing a regime in a country with spies and clever tricks or how fucking useless Falon’din was and that Andruil was a bitch) is any less true because of DAV - if anything, it’s more relevant because a lot of the time when he rants about something, he’s talking about himself and his own mistakes or ideals he wishes he could uphold because he believes in them.

TL;DR: He was himself in DAI, he is himself in DAV and he has been himself for thousands of years. What changes is the context and the stakes and other infinitely fickle circumstances.

[hollow-keys]

I saw Wonder Woman #2 today and I decided to read it out of morbid curiousity, so mamma mia, here we go again:

I read Tom King's Wonder Woman so you don't have to, round two (link to round one here).

First off, framing. Yet again, this issue is narrated by the Sovereign, but this time it's narrated to someone. And that someone is Trinity, Diana's daughter that Tom King created. She gets no lines and she doesn't appear on panel, but given the Sovereign refers to Diana as "your mother," there's only one character it could be. First of all, this is Diana's book, it should be told from her perspective. We get no insight from her, nothing from her perspective, she shows even less emotion than in the last issue. This is not the treatment Tom King gave Batman. Second, I do not care about the OC daughter. I do not want to hear about her.

But on to the actual story. So, it starts with Diana on an open field being approached by Steve Trevor, who is acting on behalf of the US government and is telling her to stand down because she can't win.

Look, I didn't think I'd ever complain about Steve Trevor, incredibly basic WW supporting character, being mischaracterised but. Isn't he meant Wonder Woman's staunch friend who pretty much always takes her side? Hasn't he seen Diana in enough battles to know she doesn't just lose? She's fought gods, armies from outer space, the forces of Apokolips, why does he think the US army is beyond her? He's underestimating her for no reason.

And more importantly, because she is the title character, why doesn't Diana seem to care that her long time ally is being a coward?

And why does Diana care about the soldiers wellbeing at this point? Why is she trying to get them to go home with no consequence and no hint of anger about how her or her fellow Amazons have been treated when they've already made their stance quite clear? People are dead! They've already made their decision, you already tried to extend them mercy. Now you fight. The thing about Diana is that mercy is always her first port of call, but when the other side has made their choice she meets them and she does have anger about the injustices they've committed. Here, she just doesn't seem to care.

Also, Diana's nihilism about the ways of men, that they will always "crash upon the rocks" is at odds with her optimism. She knows that humanity contains multitudes, some crash, some don't.

Anyway, the whole issue parallels her fight against the army with flashbacks to her final fight on Themyscira to prove herself worthy of being the Amazon's champion and Wonder Woman. This parallel makes no sense to me. Those fights were completely different.

One is against an army to defend herself and her people from enemies who want them dead, the other is against an ally in a tournament, a battle where no one's in real danger. Or at least, that's how it should be. Usually when this moment is shown, it's a good faith tournament to find out who the most qualified person to serve as champion is, they're all allies who respect each other. Here, the opponent is shown to be hateful towards Diana, genuinely seriously injure her and there's no sense of camaraderie between them.

While Diana and her opponent are trading barbs before their fight, the other Amazon gives her a chance to surrender. Diana responds "Honour is won with swords, not surrender," which is incredibly out of character for her. Yes, there are cases where Diana would consider surrender dishonourable, but it's not an absolute rule. She believes in compassion and peace, which means surrender is sometimes the right course of action. The framing of it as an absolute here does a disservice to her.

Steve Trevor would not fucking say that, Amazons do not fucking act like that and the last panel makes no sense. It's said by present Diana but only makes sense as a continuation of past Diana's sentence. present WW just said "To tell me who I am." with no words before that. To parallel these conversations, present Diana talking to Steve would have had to have said "Neither you nor anyone else has ever earned the right..." in the fifth panel so the seventh panel made sense for both sides. The composition here was thoughtless. Yes this is a nitpick, but details matter. Where are the editors? Sidenote: her mask is ugly.

Anyway, then we get these choice narration boxes from the Sovereign.

It's just. So bad. I want to make it clear that at no point is the Sovereign framed as an unreliable narrator, despite being the villain who's diametrically opposed to Diana. This just appears to be, Tom King's genuine take on things. I would ask if he understands that you cannot believe in peace and do nothing in the face of violent status quo, but I don't have to. Of course he doesn't. And of course he calls her an idiot while he's at it. Remind me, did he ever call Batman anything like that?

We then get more pathetic "Of course I want Diana to win, I'm still gonna serve with her enemies though" Steve Trevor. I should make it clear tho that he's not actually fighting against her, he's just watching the fight and updating Sargeant Steel.

Anyway, then we get a bit of narration that says:

"Infantry. Be it conscripts or... Well it's always just conscripts. If you can't do it from afar...Or with haste... Then get the grunts to rush in close and kill and die in what you will tell their children was a patriotic mission."

Tom King, stop processing your war trauma here. Any one of these soldiers could have stood down, they chose to enforce a genocidal policy. It's on them. Stop framing them as victims who were taken advantage of, they're grown adults who chose to be there.

Anyway. Another caption box from the still-inexplicably-narrating-this Sovereign:

"...And prepared to meet the onslaught of angry men with the grace of a princess born and proven."

I ask this again, did he ever treat Batman like this? Does he ever emphasise Batman's grace and frame him as being above anger? Why does Diana need to be like this?

And now for an unnecessary Macbeth reference.

"For some time the missiles rained down. No man of woman born could have survived such a salvo. But of course. She was neither a man nor born of woman. She was Amazon. Forged first of clay. Then steel."

I don't think this reference makes sense considering the line in Macbeth is a prophecy, a warning that Macbeth missed. But here it's a measure of power. She's powerful enough because she's not a man of woman born, which makes no sense because that has nothing to do with power. I'm nitpicking. Again. I know. But the Macbeth reference is such a shallow attempt at being badass. And as a sidenote, it should say "She was AN Amazon."

"Potty train." "A pup." God this dialogue is so bad. Amazons do not fucking speak like that.

Then Diana smashes a tank with another tank and there are cartoon stars on the impact sight. This is meant to be a serious battle, why are they there?

"Many people lie about your mother. About her family, her origins, her abilities, her wants her needs. Every tale of the great Wonder Woman provides us with more insight into the teller than into their supposed protagonist. They faithfully project their own fears onto her with the aspiration that her legend can ease their daily panic."

So close to self awareness and yet so far. It's so ironic.

"Men in the field, I admire your courage! I honor your service and your loyalty! I do not wish to harm you! But if you proceed... I will... Over and over... Drop a 55-ton abrams tank on your pathetic little heads!"

Again, why does she not seem to care about the violence they've committed against her and her people? Why does she continue to respect them and wish no harm upon them? Where's her sadness, her righteous fury? And the bit where she says she'll drop a tank on their "pathetic little heads" is so out of character and it's such bad dialogue. When Diana makes threats, it's not like that.

Anyway, y'know the flashback fight? Yeah, well, the issue ends with the reveal that her opponent is the Amazon that committed the massacre which kick started this whole thing, which is such a cheap retcon it makes me roll my eyes.

After all this, I think I put more thought into this post than Tom King puts into any of his writing. I hope the next issue isn't bad enough that it inspires me to do this again. I'm tired.

[lucythornwalter]

1.2 - Felicity Learns a Lesson

Last time, we had horse thievery and crossdressing. This time, we’ve got loose teeth and tea ceremony drama. Oh, the world of an American Girl contains multitudes.

Felicity Learns a Lesson is subtitled ‘A School Story’, but the lessons she learns aren’t only academic ones. This is pretty normal for the Lesson books, actually – not all the girls are in school or are in the same kind of school, and there’s equal value being placed on learning from your community of peers and mentors and learning from books. Strap in, people. We’ve got nothing but class and gender commentary ahead.

The bare-bones plot of this book is that Felicity is sent off to semi-private lessons in how to be a well-bred lady. Think finishing school meets homeschool coop. She wants to go to the College of William and Mary and learn Greek and Latin with the boys, obviously, but her parents inform her that instead she has to learn penmanship and music and embroidery and etiquette instead. (I love this girl. Learn Greek! Learn Latin! Read Homer and Sappho and Lucian! You’re not actually that queercoded compared to other girls from this original eight but I believe in your capacity to find your inner dyke!)

She’s not too thrilled with this, but acquiesces when she realizes how proud her mother and father are of how she’s growing up, and it gets a lot easier to sit still for a few hours a day when she learns that her schoolmates are a pair of English sisters newly come to Williamsburg. One of them, Elizabeth Cole, is her age, and they become best friends. The other, Annabelle Cole, is a sullen teenager who hates being here and thinks the whole colony is beneath her. At first it doesn’t matter that she teases and mocks Felicity, but when Mr. Merriman refuses to sell tea in his store as a protest against the tea tax (and in solidarity with the colonists who’ve been throwing tea into harbors) Annabelle’s insults turn venomous. She accuses Mr. Merriman of being a traitor, Felicity protests that he’s not, and Elizabeth is caught in the middle.

Felicity’s family stops drinking tea at home, joining the protests against the taxes personally as well as publicly, and this means Felicity has to decide how to handle the daily teatime at her lessons. If she refuses too rudely the Loyalist Coles will perceive it as an insult, and if she doesn’t refuse at all she’s betraying her family’s political stance. Notably, she doesn’t really have an opinion one way or the other about the King and about taxes, but she does want to stand by and defend her parents and especially her father. She resolves this by politely refusing tea as she was taught to, and her split with Elizabeth is mended when Elizabeth stands up to Annabelle’s bullying. For a while, at least, they can continue to be friends despite their families’ opposing views.

There’s two lessons Felicity has to learn in this book, one about her own blossoming womanhood and the other about class and politics. For a plot where not much happens, a lot happens. I’ll try and give my thoughts in a more or less coherent order –

More than anything, at the start of this book Felicity feels completely alienated from her own labor. She hates the amount of work it takes to run a household, because even with one full-time domestic servant her mother still needs her two girls to pitch in and help with food production and mending and laundry and all the other things you need to do to live. She expresses frustration that so much effort is put into things no one sees or appreciates, and we see the first glimpses of some kind of awareness of labor and class stirring within her. Of course, this doesn’t extend either to her father’s indentured apprentice or her family’s slaves, but that’s the fault of the narrative for not making her ignorance clear and not really the fault of a fictional nine-year-old.

It’s her mother who manages to connect with her for the first time in the whole series, explaining that women’s work and housewifery are the tangible things she can pass down to her daughters. There’s something very poignant here about “well-behaved women rarely mak[ing] history”, as Mrs. Merriman shares that these were techniques and lessons she received from her own mother when she herself was young and frustrated, and Felicity understands for the first time that her world exists in a broader context beyond her own experiences. As the books go on, we see her grow more and more connected to her work and its impact on her life and the lives of her family and friends, but it’s nice to see this acknowledgement here that yeah, actually, lots of women’s labor is invisible and undervalued, but it’s ours and it’s what we have to cling to.

This is carried forward into the lessons and the feminine presentation, too. Felicity finds out she likes being elegant and graceful and (gag, ugh, I hate that this word has been ruined) demure. She likes commanding respect through her good manners. It’s a kind of power and influence she’d previously been robbed of, and it’s one she doesn’t want to give up. Even if having her hair pomaded with hog fat and cinnamon and having her skin bleached with lemon sucks, the experience of being allowed into womanhood through etiquette lessons doesn’t, and again she finds herself connecting with this separate feminine knowledge. It’s still unfair that she can’t also get an academic education or work as an apprentice to a tradeswoman, but there are at least things she can genuinely enjoy on their own terms.

I have to be a downer again, unfortunately, because for all this lovely and beautiful commentary on women’s work and women’s labor there’s no acknowledgement of how Rose (if she is an enslaved woman) and the free black women of Williamsburg, and the working-class white women, and the enslaved women belonging to other families and to Felicity’s grandfather, view their labor and their legacies that can be passed down to daughters and granddaughters. What we have is a very narrow white landowner’s perspective, and despite its beauty and its applicability in multiple circumstances and the ways it can speak to different readers in different circumstances it’s obvious that the writing team was thinking of white little girls in middle-class or upper-middle-class families whose relationship with women’s work is defined by the expectations of 20th century patriarchy.

Felicity is also unusual because of this absence of perspective. Samantha, the other truly wealthy girl in the original eight, is defined by her relationship with a very poor Irish girl named Nellie O’Malley and the things Nellie has to say about class and child labor. Kirsten is poor as pioneers go, but she still has a friend in the even-poorer and less stable Singing Bird, and Singing Bird’s tribe experiencing starvation as a result of European colonization defines their relationship. Kit’s father is unemployed and her family have to pinch every penny until it squeaks, but they have a home and can feed themselves, as opposed to the hobos she befriends. Addy’s mother makes enough money as a seamstress to support herself and her daughter and they contribute to mutual aid for even poorer members of their community. Molly’s family and the other families in Illinois on the home front deal with financial stress and rationing. Josefina’s family is reasonably well off but they’re farmers, and so they’re agriculturally vulnerable. Even Kaya has to deal with raids between different tribes and the “poverty” of food insecurity as a nomadic hunter-gatherer sometimes. Felicity stands alone as someone who never has to confront her privilege, and never has to examine what she has as opposed to what someone else has.

(And before somebody goes “Changes for Felicity! Changes for Felicity! Debtor’s prison!” – Felicity’s family are able to smooth over all problems in that book. Her grandfather pays Jiggy Nye’s debt, and restores him to his position as a working man with some respect, and Mr. Cole is imprisoned because of his politics and not his economic status. This girl never has to acknowledge that poor people exist as a class, or that people can be persecuted or targeted more when they’re marginalized. We get one singular comment in Happy Birthday, Felicity! and I will absolutely be talking about it when we get there but it never seems to sink in for her. If I didn’t know for a fact that Pleasant Company were smoothing out as much as possible to make her as inoffensive as possible I would think she was the dumbest child who ever lived.)

I’m spending all this time talking about Felicity’s class blindness because the entirety of the plot with the Cole sisters is inextricably intertwined with themes of class differences in the white residents of Williamsburg. Annabelle Cole, the older sister, judges Felicity for being a shopkeeper’s daughter – presumably, she and Elizabeth are or were landed gentry in England. They were also slightly richer than the Merrimans in England, with the girls being taught privately by a governess while Felicity and her siblings are taught to read and write by their mother. Felicity is keenly aware of the fact that Annabelle judges her for being a colonist as opposed to a resident of England, too, and this is unspeakably funny to me because I am also judging Felicity and everyone in Williamsburg for being a colonist as opposed to staying in England. My reasons just happen to be very different.

Anyway, Felicity is already struggling with fitting in and being accepted by people who are above her socially when the mess regarding tea tax happens and her father is ostracized by the Loyalists within the town for his boycott. Something that this book (and really all American history books about this period written in the 90s) fail to talk about is the long history of English peasant revolts and political protests against the monarchy and attempts to curtail the absolute power of the crown, and when viewed through that lens the protests against tea taxes and against other kinds of taxes make significantly more sense as part of a broader historical context. It actually makes opposition to the tea tax seem a little more ridiculous, because it’s definitely a loyal English subject activity to argue that the king should maybe have less direct power over you. Still, despite the social fallout, Mr. Merriman stands firm in his convictions, and this drives a wedge between Felicity and Elizabeth.

This comes back to gender in an interesting way. Felicity spends the latter two chapters of this book attempting to figure out her position on the tea boycott and how to navigate pleasing her friend and pleasing her father simultaneously, and has to go to great lengths to subtly signal her allegiances to both sides and pick neutrality as often as possible, and this is all because her father can do whatever he likes on his own terms and dictate the direction of his household. He makes the choice to object to what can hilariously be called government overreach, and this has an immediate impact on things like his daughter’s social status as she nears adolescence and her debut into society and his family’s ability to bring in money and earn an income, and the women of the house have to shrug and sigh and carry on while adapting as best they can.

Felicity in this case stands in contrast to Ben, who’s as outspoken as he pleases and who makes his support for the colonists’ grievances clear – again we come back to how even while being indentured and apprenticed, Ben has more social capital than Felicity does. Ben can get away with being hotheaded and loudmouthed. She can’t. Instead, she carefully stitches a Virginia cardinal onto her sampler and politely refuses tea, and endures the consequences of Edward Merriman’s actions. She has to rely on both her own skill at etiquette and manners to navigate the world he’s thrust her into.

And manners and etiquette as a powerful social tool are a less-important but still present theme. I didn’t mention it in the summary, but the reason I brought up loose teeth is because Felicity loses a tooth while biting into a tea biscuit, and even though Annabelle tries to tease her for it, their teacher/mentor smooths the situation over with clever conversation and warm acceptance. She also hands the teacup containing Felicity’s tooth to a servant of unspecified ethnicity, thus cementing that the manners they’re learning are for rich or well-to-do women who exist in a class of society that can utilize domestic help or even unpaid slave labor, so I’m just never going to get away from this, am I? I’m never getting away from it.

All the Felicity girls are going to hate me for this, I’m sure, and I don’t like it, as a Felicity girl. I went to Colonial Williamsburg prior to COVID and I walked the same streets that she did in her books, I visited the governor’s mansion just like she did, I saw the powder magazine she hid by to watch for the marines, I went to a general store like her father’s, and as a thirty-one year old woman I cannot look away from the obvious fact that while Colonial Williamsburg has worked incredibly hard to reform how they talk about history and encourage their reenactors and their guests to discuss slavery and discuss class and discuss free black residents of the city, Felicity’s books are running as fast as they can in the other direction.

I liked this book. I thought that it was a really cool examination of political and class divides that can be bridged by mutual desire for friendship. I also can’t ignore that these are girls who are very close to being the same class, who are of the same race, and who hail from the same country originally (Felicity’s grandfather emigrated from England when he was a young man, so she has a direct familial tie to residence in England – she’s not far removed from the Coles) and that’s why they’re able to agree to disagree. If Felicity were poorer, or if she weren’t white, or if she weren’t an English Protestant, the entire situation would be different. Of course, she also wouldn’t be Felicity, but one must ask why the colonial-era girl is so very white.

Sorry for the negativity, I guess. Next time, we’re talking about Christmas! I think I’ve gotten all of the screaming out of my system at this point.

[prpfz]

⚠️Gravity Falls fans, do you feel that? Just in time for spooky season! Hello everyone. I too have been hit by that Gravity Falls itch and am absolutely craving content. I'm gonna hop straight into what you wanna know. I'm only looking for canon x canon, MxM, MxF, and FxF. I don't double, I'm looking for partners who share the same interests as me. I'm multi-para to novella, with replies exploding in length the more we have going on and the more invested I am. I don't mirror, nor do I require it, I prefer we write what's needed and what makes sense. I'm personally a long-term roleplay partner, but I have no problem with people who ghost or lose interest. And finally, what I know you're all looking for, I will not write with strict bottoms. Switches and tops only. Most of my muses skew toward being dominant and aren't interested in meek uncertainty. Make of that what you will. Please be ready to tell me about yourself as a roleplayer, and have writing samples when I reach out(They can be for anyone, just show me your best!)! On to the ships!

Ford x Bill - I'm willing to write as either of these characters and I'm not looking to include fluff between them. I'm interested in their toxicity and desire to contain or destroy one another. Please be comfortable with dubcon(at the very least) from both parties if you're interested in writing this ship with me. I'm more than open to including noncon as well. I have a few plots in mind and am open to hearing other ideas.

Bill x Dipper - I'm willing to write as either of these characters with a very slight lean towards Bill. A lot of the same stuff as before, I'm looking for a lot of toxicity, they hate each other and want to win, yadda yadda. I will be incredibly picky if 🍪 is included. I'm not against it, I'm just selective about how it's written. I only have one or two plots in mind and am very open to hearing other ideas.

Dipper x Pacifica - I'm only interested in writing as Pacifica for this ship. Enemies to lovers, at least half of that hatred is just UST. I'm really looking for two strong personalities to come head-to-head here. (Would anyone be interested in MtF Pacifica? Totally okay if it's not your thing and this is in no way a requirement. Bonus points if pegging is a thing but it's also totally not required.) Again, I'm picky about 🍪 being included. For once, I'm looking for less toxicity and more snarky banter. I have a multitude of strong plots in mind for these two.

Mabel x Pacifica - I'm only interested in writing as Pacifica for this ship. A lot of the same stuff above, just more so with Mabel's infectious charm and good spirit. I'm really not looking to write against a deeply insecure or easily upset Mabel, especially knowing Pacifica's harshness and constant criticism. Picky about 🍪. And I have a few ideas for them but nothing super solid.

Honorable mention: Stanford Pines x Rick Sanchez. I have absolutely no experience or ideas in mind for these two but I'd love for an opportunity to write Rick. Hell, I'd write him against either of the twins, really.

give a like and anon will get back to you

[cr-noble-writes]

Get to know your fanfic writer

Thanks for the tag @bleuzombie!

When did you post your first ever fanfic?

March 2016

First Character(s) you wrote?

Dean Winchester

Main Character(s) you’re currently writing?

I've switched fandoms entirely, and mostly and writing mShepard/Kaidan and mShepard/Coats.

Character(s) you haven’t written about before but plan to write about soon?

Hmmmm.... I think I've written at least a little of most of the ME OT characters, but I am looking forward to digging into the ME:A cast when I get to that point in the Odyssey verse.

Fandom(s) you’re currently writing?

Mass Effect

Platonic pairing(s) you’re currently writing?

mShep & Ashley Williams in my latest chapter

Romantic pairing(s) you’re currently writing?

mShep/Kaidan Alenko and mShep/Coats. Also plans for Ashley/Gianna Parasini/Emily Wong in my Regency AU

Your top AO3 tags?

Angst (to the surprise of literally no one)

Castiel/Dean Winchester (Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard is creeping up on this one though)

Fluff (to the surprise of everyone, including me haha)

Current platform you use for posting?

AO3

Snippet of the WIP you are currently working on?

From Argonauts, my ME1 canon fic for Alex Shepard:

Human biotics are less delicate with the gravity well than Liara is used to. After weeks of being the only biotic at all on Therum, it took several days to become accustomed to the near constant turbulence of sharing space with Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko. The MSV Ontario makes her seasick. She breathes slowly, trying to keep the nausea at bay, and ignores the concerned glances of the Lieutenant. How can they stand it? “Stay inside the barrier. No offensive mnemonics,” Shepard says. “I won’t be able to help with stasis fields, and we want to make it to Burns without any casualties.” Liara doesn’t trust herself to speak without vomiting, so she just nods. She wouldn’t have to deal with this if Shepard was a little less tight-lipped about his experience with the prothean beacon on Eden Prime. A pity the device had been destroyed. If it hadn’t, she could be studying the multitudes of information it had likely contained instead of trying to keep her hands from shaking under the bombardment of biotics with primitive levels of control over their interactions with dark energy. Perhaps once they return to the Normandy, she can offer lessons in the finer points of the gravity well in exchange for whatever was now only available in Shepard’s mind. Shepard nods once and turns his attention to the lieutenant. “Get the door.” The barrier he provides is considerably stronger than expected. Their escape from Therum had been hectic, and Liara had not been in a position to observe her human rescuers’ capabilities. It irritates her that she is also not truly in a position to observe them now. It would not do for her to lose focus when she might finally have a way to ingratiate herself to Shepard. Or when there are so many lives at stake. It doesn’t take long for Liara to feel, despite her own competence with biotics, wholly outmatched by her companions. Not only do they appear unaffected by the violent roiling of the gravity well, but they are far more experienced in being shot at. She swallows the taste of bile in the back of her throat as a shotgun blast scatters across Shepard’s barrier with barely a ripple. Before the geth showed up at her dig site, Liara had never seen a real firefight. There had been the training simulations with her mother, of course. They had been nothing like this. Liara grits her teeth and produces another stasis field.

tagging: @mallaidhsomo @bioticbooty @rotschopf-thedrow @otemporanerys and @swaps55 if y'all want to do the thing!

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

On The Tide Masterlist

Bucky Barnes, but make it ‘Environmental Activist AU’. And also queer. Always queer.

Chapter One - “We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected on the deep.” Trans!Bucky – known here as Winter, because everything links back to Multitudes, okay? It started it all – gets a job fighting for the innocents of the ocean – and seems to be of particular irritation and interest to his new Captain.

Chapter Two - “The heart of man is very much like the sea, it has its storms, it has its tides and in its depths it has its pearls too.” Winter's true nature is revealed, the Captain finds him a hinderance and an optimistic bastard, but the sailor’s rough exterior is stripped  away a little. CW: Vomiting (seasickness), surgery mentions, historical physical trauma mentions

Chapter Three - “We ourselves feel what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.” The Captain is a reluctant caretaker, looking after a needy newbie who is under the weather and desperate for affection and comfort. CW: brief discussion of traumatic, historical injury; sickness (non-vomiting).

Chapter Four - “The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.” Winter gets in an altercation for his ‘laziness’, and his Captain comes to his defence. CW: Implied risk of violence

Chapter Five - “The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.” Winter almost makes a dire mistake, and Lieutenant Tyne shows exactly why he’s the Captain. CW: Threat to life, drowning, loss of consciousness, vomiting (seawater), firearms and GSWs, sharks, shark finning practices.

Chapter Six - “There’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.” Things are tense after the accidental kiss, and Lieutenant Tyne learns more about his newest recruit. CW: Mentions of homophobia and criminalisation of homosexuality, vague references to theoretical SA.

Chapter Seven - “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” The ship prepares to dock for repairs, and the crew reduces by one. CW: homophobia, transphobia, mentions of institutional homophobia and the death penalty.

Chapter Eight - “The Sea is a Desert of Waves, a Wilderness of Water.” A friendly face is found in the back alleys of an Indonesian town, and Win's safety is compromised. CW; Discussions of finning and endangered animal trade. Implied drugging, implied kidnapping/ransom.

Chapter Nine - "The sea is emotion incarnate. It loves, hates, and weeps. It defies all attempts to capture it with words and rejects all shackles." Winter’s captors reveal their true intentions. CW (contains spoilers!); Kidnapping, torture, physical abuse, slave sale, non-con virginity auction.

Chapter Ten - “The sea has never been friendly to man. At most it has been the accomplice of human restlessness.” Winter, Greg and Neri do what they do best, with both expected and unexpected results. CW (contains spoilers!); Dead body, canon-typical violence, gun use, graphic violence, risk of MCD, implied sexual violence, human trafficking references.

Chapter Eleven - "Every Time I Slip Into the Ocean, it's Like Going Home." The boys live with the after-effects of the kidnapping, and how to move forward… Together. CW: Discussion of gunshot wounds and captivity, non-graphic medical care, smut, AAAALLLL the smut. Full smut warnings in prompts.

Chapter Twelve - "If You Want to Know How Much I Love You, Count All the Waves in the Sea." It's the final chapter ;-; Everyone's favourite Pretty Ship Boys celebrate their freedom. CW: Smut, in varying degrees of BDSM-ish-ness.

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/719679005564043264/1?source=share

them being conservative and having narrowed views about basic women rights makes it pretty damn hard to not assume they might be homophobic too. all the screenshots i sent point more to them being against homosexuality (especially bogum) than supporting it. and even if he/they learned to "tolerate" it for taehyung's sake it still won't make him/them less homophobic. and i can't see taehyung staying friends with people who won't accept that part of him. which is why it can go either way;

1) them changing for the better — in which case, we need proof of them that contradicts what we already have.

2) them having not changed and still holding onto those ideals — which would mean that their ideals don't affect taehyung directly and he's learned to live with it even if he disagrees. that's why i think he's possibly an ally and not queer himself. but i could be wrong.

Hi again!

I feel you see these things very black and white. I always see things grey. To you them seemingly having conservative values about women makes it hard to not assume they are homophobic too, but I think about that differently. I see men like that often and I understand that means nothing to you, but to me it’s how the world works. Things aren’t always this or that, people contain multitudes and people may even contradict themselves at times.

I had a gay colleague once. He was at first the only openly queer person in our team. He often had to deal with jokes and comments about his sexuality. I’m sure it bothered him, but he always laughed along with the jokes, would even crack jokes about it himself sometimes. He had terrible ideas about women. Terrible, very very traditional views. We did not get along. Later on, another colleague of mine came out. Who do you think gave this newly out gay person the hardest time and made the worst comments? It was the other gay person. Does that make sense using your logic?

Another example. My grandmother was very traditional. Women should stay home and take care of the kids. She was very clear about her thoughts on that. Yet she loved me (a woman with a very progressive view on things) dearly. Love trumps ideas often.

You cannot shove people in boxes anon. You for sure cannot shove the whole of Wooga in a box, because you simply don’t know enough about who they are. How are they supposed to show that they have changed? Adressing these things will only open up the topic again and I suspect their management will advise against it, because when they do speak out in favor of progressive views they will have to deal with backlash from the portion of SK that does not agree with that.. and that’s quite a big portion still. And also, is not them sticking by Tae and supporting him already a sign of them having changed/not being homophobic? Tae is widely rumored to be queer, those rumors don’t affect them in the least. They even adopted Jk too.

Maybe I am too soft, but I just don’t see it as negative as you do. I think many friends (if the friendship is true) would want to at least try to accept the side of someone they might not understand. I think it very possible Wooga saw Tae’s struggles and his strong love for Jk and just chose to accept him.

[fizzingwizard]

I'm a little bit all kinds of aesthetics. I like pretty, I like grungy, I like soft, I like horrific, I like peace, I like thrills, I like hopeful, I like jaded, I like pure, I like fucked up. All in degrees, and depending on my mood, and often what I happen to be reading at the moment.

The trouble is that by being a little bit of everything, by extension I'm all of nothing. So I'm too fucked up for the simple and clean crowd, and I'm too clean for the fucked up counter culture freaks. The former are like, you don't think addicts should be locked up? Libtard loser. The latter are like, you don't know what a joint looks like? Sheltered princess.

I don't drink to get drunk? You've never lived and can't relate to real adults.

I don't wear makeup... either to look pretty OR to look controversial? You're ugly and don't care about men or yourself.

The hardest lesson to learn growing up wasn't "you can never win everyone's approval, so learn to love yourself." For me, loving myself comes easy. I already know, from decades of living with myself, that no matter how anyone scolds me, I'm not going to change. I just can't force myself to like something I don't or believe in something that makes no sense to me.

What was actually hard to learn, and which is still hard, is that it's one thing to say "I don't want anyone's approval." It's another to watch experiences, social contracts, even job prospects go to someone else, someone who chose to give everything to one thing, instead of bits to lots of things. And it's bitter medicine to have to acknowledge that, yeah, that person is better suited: because they chose one thing, they're more deeply informed than I am, and they're much less likely to get distracted. It's true for friendships too. If I'm in a group of three, the other two will break off to do something together, because they think they're more into it than I am, and gushing over it together will be more fun with just the two of them. And they're probably right.

Having eclectic interests means I don't really belong anywhere, so it's no wonder the people who do are like, what are you doing here, you poser? The upside is, in my heart, at least, I belong everywhere. As long as I stay in the back, in the nosebleed seats, no one cares.

One reason why I don't look to live one certain lifestyle or have one certain label or embody one certain aesthetic is because serious passion comes with rejection of other potentialities. To become something, you have to deep dive. It takes time and effort and dedication, and people who do that are really impressive, but they mostly then don't have much left to figure out what's interesting about anything else. I want to always have room. I don't want to outgrow my space and find it too inflexible to change.

I think that's why I like quirky, weird pieces of art, not ones that are provocative or controversial, not ones that leave you scratching your head, but ones that are just kinda like "it too funny to be serious but too serious to be funny. who likes this shit?" me. that's who. I can't take anything seriously that wants me to and I can't laugh at something that insists I must laugh. ah, I'm reminded again of that walt whitman quote,

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; (I am large. I contain multitudes)."

However, even saying that much, I'm thinking of all the people who would ask what media I'm thinking of, and I'd give such mainstream examples that they'd walk away rolling their eyes, haha. I'm too mainstream for the hipsters but too hipster for the mainstream!

Too punk for the preps but too prep for the punks

Too traditional for the artsy crowd but too artsy for the PTA

Too logical for the feelers, too feeling for the thinkers

Too boring to most people, but incredibly, unbelievably, unceasingly interesting to me, myself and I :P

[the-greendalehumanbeings]

I agree with you re: kind female characters, I sort of feel the same way about people who hype up characters that are feminine and act like such characters are an endangered species in popular fiction, when that's far from the case. If anything, even the hyper-feminine characters being shallow villains doesn't take away from the fact that the 'tomboy' protagonists are often also feminine, just less outwardly so. And tbh it's really tiring that these types of people advocate for more kinder/feminine female characters and admonish any character that is (at times wrongly) interpreted as a girlboss instead of requesting that more female characters just contain multitudes and aren't strictly written with a number of single defined characteristics? Since honestly even apparently feminine characters whom the social media public all advocates for can still get an insane amount of hate thrown at them if they don't behave up to those people's standards, like Edwina. And she and Kate aren't even "proper" examples of feminine villain/tomboy hero female characters, just that these types of "we need more such and such characters" are useless if the same people only choose to accept certain types of characters if they fit within what they want or like, and don't care to extend that sort of sympathy or understanding to any other character that may also be interesting/complicated.

i remember seeing this post which said something along the lines of tumblr's problem is that they think legally blonde was the apex of feminism. i think that pretty much sums it up. its why we see this trend people claiming that feminine characters are endangered species of always hated but in a special way that's worse than the way any other female character is hated. and the thing is i can understand being annoyed that lots of things that stereotypically feminine are made fun of on tv and seen as frivolous in a way that stereo-typically masculine things aren't. and this is often done by characters who are meant to be a "tomboy". but like you said these tomboy characters also tend to be appropriately feminine. they make fun of make up or hair while wearing makeup and having their hair perfectly done by professionals. ultimately what they want is for woman to look perfect and feminine but without any effort or pretending they care. but yeah femininity is in no way an endangered "trait" or whatever. in all honesty we barely see GNC woman on tv. and if we ever did people would scream and cry about how the existence of this one character is a hate crime against all the million other appropriately feminine characters.

lmao the edwina/kate discourse was always so weird. you had one side of people claiming that kate was hated because she wasn't properly feminine and too authoritative and masculine compared to edwina. same with edwina where loads of kate fans were claiming that edwina was only popular because she was soft spoken, appropriately feminine and 1/4 white (lmao i will never get over that). and then you had the edwina fans claiming that edwina was hated because she was the soft feminine one. the truth is that edwina could have been wearing pants, smoking cigars and riding astride and she would still have recieved the same hate because her real crime was was being in the middle of fandom's favourite ship. no amount of pants or pink ballgowns would change the hate because fandom's hate has nothing to do with her being feminine or masculine, but purely because she was in the middle of their otp. and that is ultimately a female character's biggest sin, but yeah i agree, kate and edwina could have been written better but analysing them as being either feminine or masculine is really such a rigid, narrow and regressive way of looking at female characters.

[palmettoshenanigans]

I've been thinking about this for weeks hold on Furthermore, you know why Neil loves Andrew? Why Andrew Joseph Minyard was the one who Neil looked at and felt his soul - always running and running always looking for that out out get out - whisper "Stop. Here. Right here"?

Because Andrew handled Neil with nothing less than Total Radical Acceptance, the only flavor of acceptance that tastes of serenity.

Look, it's not hard to see that Neil is loved. Is by the Foxes. Was by his mother. But there didn't seem to be enough love to make it easy to look at him. And I mean really look at him. Don't get me wrong, many accomplished it. Abby looked at his chest during that physical. Wymack looked at him after that airport pick up welcoming in the new year. Every Fox got their eye full in Baltimore and beyond.

They all looked at Neil. They all accepted what they saw.

But how often did they wince? How often did Neil see their eyes dim with sadness? Pain? God forbid pity.

Did Mary ever have to avert her eyes from the molted skin from that iron? Did she frown with a little too much concern when stitching up that bullet wound? Did her voice ever wobble when yelling at Neil to ignore the blood and focus on moving his legs?

Shit, how often did Neil avoid his own gaze in the mirror?

When angels come down from heaven to commune with normal folks, they put on a mask to look as human as possible. When they commune with prophets they come as they are, but they must approach slowly, carefully, saying "Be Not Afraid" lest the prophet run away screaming before receiving their Holy Homework.

Neil is a Rolodex of masks is he not?

Andrew not only saw the masks for what they were, he demanded they be dropped. He would never trust a mask. Could never. Spiked drinks, threats in elevators, knives and snooping and taunts and trades - Andrew was relentless is his demand for Neil's True Form.

Neil obliged.

(was it spite or hope? was even the former the mask for the latter?)

But the truth of Neil's life, the truth of his existence etched on his skin, was never enough to make Andrew flinch or wince or avert his gaze. Not even once. He didn't even have the wherewithal to look the least bit pitying when he saw the fresh ones post holidays.

Why is this important? Because Neil is a Shield just as much as he is a Vanishing Act! (as much as he is a Surgical Knife or a Bulldozer or a Flame Thrower, he contains multitudes) The fastest way to curb his instinct to run isn't to convince him to fall in love with you, it isn't to convince him of the inevitability of the corner you're backing him into, it's to show him you're aiming your gun at someone else!

Spare the details - it'll get him caught. Spare the details - he's not staying anyway. Spare the details - they don't need to be dragged down with him. Spare the details - he doesn't want to see them sad.

But sparing details is still a mask to Andrew isn't it Neil?

But silence is the easiest way to lie, isn't it Neil?

And lying is perfect for running and hiding... isn't it Neil?

Except that Andrew never seemed to need to be spared from the dirty details of Neil's story. For so many people, the bare bones truth of who Neil is and what he's been through is hard to stomach. It's viscerally nauseating the deeper you dig, the more you learn, the younger you realize he was. But Andrew kept cleaning his plate of every Truth he was served and kept asking for more.

Wymack could handle it. Mary had no choice but to handle it. The Foxes managed to handle it despite themselves. They could handle it because they loved him.

But Andrew? He wanted it. Could argue he was damn near insatiable for every scrap. Andrew's blunt and unflinching regard of Everything That Is Neil may have screamed stoicism and serenity but it was also reeking of hunger.

He didn't need shielding or sparing or protecting. He needed nothing. He wanted to be fed.

The angel comes down to the prophet and says "Be Not Afraid". The prophet, knowing since birth they were chosen for some fuck shit and ready for some fucking around and finding out shrugs, "I'm not" and stares right into the eyes of the Divine Light and Holy Fire. Unflinching. Unscathed. Unrepentant.

With Andrew, Neil never needed a mask. Wouldn't have tolerated one anyway. And so Neil could Stop. There. Right there.

Neil submitted to the mortifying ordeal of being known. And Andrew, master of Radical Acceptance, didn't flinch.

What else was there for him to do than reap his rewards?

Listen, you know why Andrew loves Neil? Why Neil Abram Josten was the one Andrew would allow into his inner space, to allow growing roots where Andrew keeps the remaining fragments of his heart?

Because hardly anyone respects Andrew's boundaries. Renee does. Bee does. Wymack does. Andrew respects his own boundaries to the point of enforcing them at knife point.

But Neil? Neil Abram Josten?

He views Andrew's boundaries as sacred.

Renee, Bee, and Wymack would view crossing Andrew's boundaries as disrespectful at best and a violation at worst. They earned his trust that way.

But NEIL???

Neil views crossing Andrew's boundaries as a fucking sin. As blasphemous. A devoted disciple would sooner spit in their God's face than Neil ever conceiving of crossing Andrew's boundaries.

Some people would look at you erecting brick walls covered in barbed wire and would start looking for a good crack to aim a sledgehammer. Some people would watch you lock a door and try knocking, just once, to see if you'll open it for them. And some people would watch you draw a line in the sand and never dream of stepping over it.

Neil parked his ass on the other side of Andrew's barbed wired multi-layered brick wall surrounding his concrete bunker and stayed there, running his mouth. And when Andrew revealed the hidden door, Neil smiled, stayed put, and kept talking.

Andrew didn't fall for Neil because Neil wouldn't come in.

He fell because Neil waited for Andrew to come out, waited for Andrew to extend his hand, and waited for Andrew to lead him inside by his own volition.

And that's why Neil was the one who earned Andrew's "Stay".

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Daily Devotionals for July 10, 2024 

Proverbs: God's Wisdom for Daily Living

Devotional Scripture:

Proverbs 20:14-15(KJV): 14 It is naught, it is naught, saith the buyer: but when he is gone his way, then he boasteth. 15 There is gold, and a multitude of rubies: but the lips of knowledge are a precious jewel. Proverbs 20:14-15(AMP): 14 It is worthless, it is worthless! says the buyer; but when he goes his way, then he boasts (about his bargain). 15 There is gold and a multitude of pearls, but the lips of knowledge are a vase of preciousness (the most precious of all).

Thought for the Day

Verse 14 - Haggling over a price is normal in the Middle East and bargaining is an art, but some use their skills to cheat others. A buyer can make a transaction to his benefit by convincing a seller that his goods are worth less than what the seller asks for. If the seller is desperate and without bargaining skills, they can be swindled. This sort of dealing is just as much a form of cheating as a false balance. I am ashamed to say that I have heard Christians boasting about how they took advantage of people to get great bargains - and worse, attributing their success to God's favor! God, however, instructs us to make fair, and not one-sided deals. Before I buy and sell, I always pray that it will bring a fair value so that both we and the buyer may be blessed in the transaction. Negotiations should be honest. It is good if someone wants to reduce the price as a kindness, but bargaining should begin from a fair starting price. There is nothing wrong with offering bargain prices due to overstocks, seconds, closeouts, exaggerated value, etc. as long as the merchandise or product is honestly presented. If items are damaged or irregular, they should be noted as such. The Lord hates deception.

Some businessmen use two financial statements: one, when they want their company to look prosperous (such as when borrowing money) and the other when they want their company to appear less prosperous (such as when paying taxes). It is not wrong to take every tax break that one is entitled to, but juggling the books for dishonest gain is another matter. God is calling businessmen to serve Him, and He is looking for those with integrity.

Verse 15 - The worth of precious gold, pearls, or rubies is not as valuable as one who has the priceless ability to speak with godly knowledge. When we know God's Word and line our words up with its truth, the gracious things that we speak will bring untold blessings to others. The Bible contains pure wisdom, we need to study it so that we will speak truth and become overcomers. "The words of the LORD are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times" (Psalm 12:6).

Prayer Devotional for the Day

Dear heavenly Father, we desire to be like You so we are asking You to help us to be honest in all of our dealings with others. May we be concerned about the other party when we purchase something and not just look at what is always advantageous to us. Help us to overcome selfishness. Lord, help us control the things we speak and speak that are kind and edifying. Deliver us from anger and resentment and let us keep a forgiving attitude when others wrong us. Lord, we trust You to vindicate us when others take advantage of us. Lord, we just do not want to be the ones guilty of taking advantage of another. Could you help us to always be fair and honest in our dealings? I ask this in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

[dovahnap]

So on a road trip recently my husband and I listened to a couple episodes of the Search Engine podcast—one about the creepy search-engine-for-faces that renders everyone subject to the panopticon that I had some thoughts on (what a scary future!!!) but the one that gave us most conversation was the two-part season finale where they tackle the question of what it takes to get into an exclusive gay German techno club called Berghain.

A few thoughts:

First: I’m pretty sure I could get in.

Second: I don’t think I would want to get in.

Third: I think (First) because (Second).

Fourth: Despite (Second), thinking (First) makes me happy.

Nothing sounds less appealing to me than a loud, crowded room that is probably too hot because of all the drug-and alcohol-induced activities. It sounds like a headache. It sounds boring. I must admit I was surprised at PJ Vogt’s professed love of clubbing because I imagine him as being middle-aged and therefore too old for clubbing (as a This-American-Life-style podcaster I find it impossible to imagine him any way but alone in a closet speaking intimately into a microphone, also as a mouse), but I suppose we all contain multitudes.

But anyway. Despite this, if I could magically be teleported to the front of the line, stand before the implacable bouncer, and be either granted admittance or rejected before being teleported back to my bedroom, I think I would just out of curiosity. It’s not quite the same impulse that made me take innumerable buzzfeed quizzes back in the day, or get really into the MBTI; I think it’s an ultra-mild version of the one that compels me to take internet IQ tests (and then DNF them out of fear), or post a selfie to the amiugly subreddit: the desire to be judged. I’m usually pessimistic about my place in any ranking system, but I care little enough about getting into Berghain that if I were given the thumbs-down it wouldn’t affect me much. Still, the thought that I could get in is a bit of an ego boost. That’s literally it. The thought that I could be one of a Select Few—even for something I have no interest in doing—is shamefully appealing.

Generally, I don’t like anything where exclusivity is one of the main selling points. If something would lose some or most of its value were it available to everyone, then its value isn’t intrinsic. However, as the podcast points out, if Berghain were not exclusive, it wouldn’t be Berghain. The vibe, as an emergent property of the club’s attendees, must be cultivated and maintained via a sommelier-like taste for people. Clubgoers at Berghain are not only consumers of an experience, but participants in and creators of, and not everyone fits.

The argument makes sense. Gatekeeping keeps communities from being diluted into a lowest-common-denominator experience. If you’re overly inclusive, you become generic and lose whatever appeal—beyond brand name—that made you valuable in the first place. To hear the bouncer tell it, he’s something of a curator of people, benevolently allowing in those who are meant for Berghain and sending those who would fit better elsewhere off to elsewhere. I get it. Vibes must match.

But still, the exclusivity is inarguably part of the appeal of Berghain. If the exclusivity were not a part of Berghain’s reputation, it would not have a four-hour wait to get in. People—even people like me, who have zero interest in the experience of clubbing—want to be let in there precisely because it is hard to get in. I hypothesize that even if every person line had impeccable vibes, a good portion would still be turned away because being perceived as exclusive is just that valuable. To be part of an exclusive club is to be elite. To be elite is to be special. And not just special on your own, but special in the same, rare way as a select few other people.

I’m sure for the regulars of such exclusive establishments there’s a real sense of belonging. But what percentage of tourists who successfully camouflage themselves and gain admittance really enjoy the experience? How much of the night is about ego, and how much is genuine appreciation for techno culture? I think that’s part of what the bouncer is theoretically trying to control for, but I’m sorry—clubgoers are not nerds quizzing each other on the history of electronic music. No matter how much the podcast tried to convince me that actually there’s a deep, somewhat rational and meaningful distinction between who gets in and who doesn’t, I am not convinced.

I’m trying to figure out why this bothers me so much despite believing both that I would get in (resting bitch face would work in my favor, I think) and knowing that I wouldn’t want to be there even if I did. I guess it’s the knowledge that people value exclusivity so highly to the point that they would subject themselves to something they probably don’t even like that much in order to belong somewhere exclusive. And it’s the knowledge that I am not immune.

If Berghain truly is a place for gay, artsy techno-party people, then it makes sense that it is not the place for most people since most people are not gay, artsy techno-party people. But do that many people even want to be gay artsy techno-party people? Is being amongst their numbers that desirable, even to nerdy podcasters? Is being amongst their numbers that desirable to nerdy podcasters precisely because they know that they are the opposite of a gay artsy techno-party person? Is that why I get some enjoyment out of the idea that I would get in?

I guess my real question is what are the would-be attendees of Berghain trying to prove? And to whom are they trying to prove it?

I don’t know. I think I like the idea that I would turn them down. I would look at the bouncer and tell him that *he* is not invited to *my* party. I am too cool for the coolest club ever, actually. I am a rock. I am an island.

Instead I am writing to no one on Tumblr.

On second thought I would probably not get in.