#I think it could cure me maybe
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I desperately need to fall asleep on a pretty girl’s chest while she plays with my hair or scratches my back
#wrap my arms around you and then tighten them when you put your hands on me because I feel safe#🥺#just being needy again sorry#I’m so fucking exhausted and having someone I could melt into… ugh#pls#the only times I got this kind of attention felt like a hassle#I just want someone to *want* to give it to me#I think it could cure me maybe#it certainly wouldn’t hurt 🤷♀️#I don’t know that sounds absolutely heavenly after the past 2 weeks#I’ll return the favor tenfold#promise#rants n rambles#tam talks#tags#wlw#wlw yearning
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people saying 'do it scared' 'do it alone' 'do it tired' etc etc
okay i'm glad you guys have the neurotypicality and mental health to actually persevere but i don't and i can't
#it just reminds me of the people who think saying 'just cheer up!' will cure someone else's depression#like yeah i really wish i could just do it scared and alone and tired but unfortunately my brain is hardwired to undermine my every move#maybe 'scared' for you is butterflies in your stomach but 'scared' for me is uncontrollable crying panic attacks feeling of imminent death#sorry for the rant just had to vent my frustration bc i keep seeing those posts making rounds on here and they make me feel like a failure#mental health#tw mental illness#personal#ptsd
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Honestly it annoys me that pride, ambition, and generally having a big ego are always villainous/evil-coded personality traits because personally I think if you genuinely are a prodigy at what you do you are 100% within your rights, perhaps even deserving, of flaunting your skills and being proud of the fact you can do something that only a small fraction of other people can do. Is it even ego at that point if you genuinely are as good at your field/skill as you say you are? Are people not aware that becoming a prodigy at something is something that takes lifelong sacrifice and practice sometimes to the point of giving up on having a normal life, relationships, etc even potentially destroying your own health???? God I fucking hate how pride in your own skills and ambition are so villain coded all the time. As if it's evil to want to be good at something and be recognized for what you rightfully earned
#squiggposting#this is part of why i like pharma obviously lol but it's happened to me w#other blorbos ive had in the past#bc like full offense if you're capable of doing something like partially inventing the cures to 5 different terminal diseases#in only a few months/a year of research. or if you can do an organ donation and replacement surgery#with yourself as one of the donors. you literally ARE the best doctor who has ever lived#and you DESERVE to flaunt it bc. what fucking achievement is higher than that???#some feats demand recognition in my opinion. maybe it's just bc I've always been competitive#and from a young age enjoyed a (relative) degree of fame for being really good at certain things#ive always enjoyed being an object of awe bc bitch i spent my whole life working to be this good#do i hold it over ppl or treat them badly for not being as good as me? i admit i used to but i grew out of it#but the ego? certainly not. i think if you're good at something you should own it#i think if you're a prodigy and put your skills into doing good work youve earned your fame and recognition#this expectation of false humility we have is sooooo annoying#ohhhh boo hoo pharma is a little bit of an annoying asshole about being a better doctor than ratchet#the cures he helped design will save literal thousands of lives from now until the rest of time#but somehow the way he FEELS about it is more important than the CONCRETE POSITIVE GAIN he put into the universe?#and also in general i hate it when ppl assume that pride/ego and being kind towards others are mutually exclusive#in general i feel like i could write an essay about how self vs others is treated as a dichotomy#where it's assumed that in order to uplift others you have to self efface and diminish yourself#or if you flaunt yourself it automatically means you're putting down others. it's not true.#video essay topic for later lol
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listening to against the kitchen floor and WOW this is EXTREMELY stancest. specifically post-canon and from ford’s guilty pov. goddamn
#stancest#you should know that i’m sorry for being careless with you#lord knows i owe you more than i’m pretty sure i ever could give anybody#so i could hold your hand but keep you at arm’s length#i swear i’m really trying#it just don’t come natural to me to think that you’d want me for me#oh i’m sorry i promise i’m doing my best#i just haven’t learned hiw to be human as you are yet#i still don’t know who you are#i only know i’m still lonely#that morbid sorr where even company can’t cure me#AND THE MORE YOU REASSURE. THE LESS I TRUST.#I KEEP A LOCKET WITH A PICTURE OF THE BACK OF MY HEAD!!!!#I’VE LIVED MORE LIVES THAN ENOUGH I HAVEN’T DIED QUITE AS MUCH#DID I HAVE ANY OF THAT GRAVITY MAYBE YOU’RE QUICKSAND BECAUSE I REALLY COULDN’T TELL HOW DEEP MY FOOTPRINTS WENT#I’M CATATONIC IN YOUR ARMS CEYING HOW DID I CAUSE SO MUCH HARM…#I’M DOWN POUNDING MY HEAD AGAINST THE KITCHEN FLOOR APOLOGIZING FOR MY LIFE AND EVER ENTERINF YOURS#I KNOW *YOU’VE GOT SCARS OF YOUR OWN*#I SWEAR I’M SO FUCKING SORRY I’M NOT A GOOD PERSON I’M BARELY A PERSON AT ALL BUT SOMEDAY I’LL BE PERFECT AND I’LL MAKE UP FOR IT ALL.
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eepy lil guy
#i cannot put into words the amount of love and affection i have for him. u do not understand. he is my SON im giving him a QUILT#the first character i think in my whole life that i have loved so deeply i wish he were real so i could tell him. i want adoption papers#i feel so bad i wish he didnt hafta suffer with the tired eepy. i want to get him uncursed i want him cured i want him to be free from sleep#the absolutely crushing guilt of how much he misses from being tired all the time sounds miserable i want to#i dont even know. i want to help. i am just a stupid lil lady on my phone how can i possibly help him from here. it sucks. im stuck behind t#he screen and theres nothing i can do. it KILLS me. like haha if i invite him to my guest room 1000 times maybe itll help. sobs#twisted wonderland#twst#twst silver#silver vanrouge#suntails
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Cure for whatever ails ya (Patreon)
#My art#Original#Cure#Still not her name but y'know#Got the very strong urge to colour her digitally to try and capture some of her candypop colour design#These still wouldn't count as her ''canon'' design since she doesn't have one but it's A version of her at least#Like for instance the light parts of her paws belly and face could be fully brown and be just as canon#Or her eyes could be more subdued - lack of claws - different brows - lack of stitches#She's still an extremely fluid design when it comes to the details#As long as she's a brown plush bear she's herself#Though the more I think about it - when she's Eyes like this she probably is a bit fuzzier#Like Maybe visible stitching but probably even a thicker fur than minkie - 2cm maybe? But of that tight curl fluff#The hearts in her ears (which may or may not be there lol) - the crisp shape would probably be muddled by the fuzz hmm#Just gives me more reason to fully render her lol - how many equally un-canon versions of her can I make!#The different colour mixing was a lot of fun :) Picking what goes where even in the muddier colours haha#Fun to have a gradient shine on her nails! Very cool!#It does sound fun to draw her Just differently - different eyes different colour placements different shapes#Some truisms of design but generally quite flux#Interesting lad
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hm... plague doctor solomon...
#watched a lil vid on plague doctors and now i'm thinking too much lol#maybe he could use magic to cure people?#or it's about him curing specifically magic illnesses#idk. i need to read for school now#from me#rambles#sol
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Hello I heard that there is some liverpool-era interview/podcast with Jesse, does anyone have a link?
#i think i saw a post before but i havent saved it because i am a dumbass#and posts with links are mostly unsearchable so i am losing my mind now#would be so nice if someone smarter than me has it saved and could send me a link 🥺#pretty please 🙏#käärijä#jeskiedes#jesse voss#maybe giving up when obsession hits is not the wisest move but whatever whatever#i think this could cure my post family visit depression
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my fingers horts....
#AUGH and i still have to do more embroidery for this one....#just not on the face the face is done#i could make the hair ties fabric instead of embroidery but whatever. stylistic choice#shouldnt be that bad tho. its fine.#keeping the triangles looking like triangles is going to be a challenge tho. but i'll get there when i get there#will put her body together before i bother thinking about the clothes#i dont think ill have time to make tenshi too. sad.#maybe ill see if i can make her an on the go project. bc a tenshi plushie would both cure me and make me so much worse#theres one series girl with pink hair & blue eyes u all know who this one is.
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been thinking about this what if the reason why kaeya isn't cursed is because it has something to do with the khvarena? maybe his mother and father had khvarena and abyssal power respectively thus neutralizing or suppressing the curse
#if this game doesn't want to give me more kaeya lore i will make up my own stuff#that is a threat#.txt#don't ask me how this would work#we don't know what the curse is exactly but if you have some shit inside you that can rewrite the rules x2 who knows...#i don't think khvarena can cure the curse bc dain is still like that but maybe if the khvarena was “inherited” it could work differently???#idk the magic system in this game gives me a headache#kaeya alberich#lore bytes
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I am sooooo tired (me wide awake at 3:26am trying to convince myself to piss and then get into bed despite knowing I won't sleep despite being awake for literally like 48 hours and not actually feeling tired will I crash idk I feel I am heading for a crash but I've been waiting for one the last few weeks and my body feels fine maybe who knows maybe I will black out and sleep for 3 days but I will likely be up in a few hours to start my usual day of staring at the wall)
#kinda worrying that i genuonely havent had a CRASH considering ive been Living on no sleep so idk have i just conditioned my body into no#longer requiring rest?no longer being a slave of the REM cycle? is it impacting my mental health? likely. but everything does that so#i suppose we musy just wait and see. maybe i truly have gained the cure to the normal human function that is sleep#i feel powerful. this makes me powerful. right?#imagine what i could do with all the extra time#i could stare at the wall longer#i can sleep when im dead so im gonna enjoy staying awake and just feeling like im dead#shoutout the power of a nonseleeping deity#you know what i am#say it. out loud.#“... a gremlin.”#gremlin hours#think ill just change the tag to 'gremlin time' (is a construct)#oh my god please stop with yhese tage please just stop please sto
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Like for real how hard is it to just. Accept that sometimes somebody wants to be called something else. Why do you even fucking care. I'm so fucking tired.
#idk maybe i shouldn't dwell on it but like. haunted by one post i saw earlier that was just. stupid lmfao#like why are you inventing increasingly stupid categories for the sole purpose of dehumanizing people.#just jack off. why are you getting politically pedantic about it. i hope you fucking kill yourself.#GOD. THAT HAS BEEN THE MOOD I'VE BEEN IN. THIS ENTIRE DAY. ONE OF THOSE FUCKING DAYS#where i guess it's just built up so much so badly i do really wish i could just tell someone w my entire chest#to just fucking kill themselves. like i did NOT survive suicidality for this. your turn now. fuck you.#idk maybe i should just layer up and go swing. it's cold and windy but like. it might cure me.#like to clarify it was more than just that one post like. man i've kinda quietly stopped talking to everyone for a reason.#maybe it's the holidays approaching too. instilling The Dread in me. like man what if i'm fucking over it.#change your heart learn how to love me right or you don't love me at all.#if i start citing examples i will go off the deep end. i do think i wanna catch some sunlight while it's still here.
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on one hand, if larian gave us raw rules for revivify/raise dead, you could do things like save Duke Ravengard without Mizora (ignore her, go to Iron Throne where he's going to be dead for some stupid reason, cast Raise Dead with a diamonds and boom. you can't tell me that he's been dead for more than 10 days when you find him) or just revive random NPCs for fun but on the other hand dear god the chaos
#i've got like 80 diamonds no joke and i think a normal diamond costs 550 gold which is more than enough for raise dead#“soul needs to be willing” THE DUKE WILL 100 PERCENT BE WILLING#and its not like his soul isn't free to join#no way mizora can take his soul back from Bane and the Duke would never make a deal with a devil or demon#gahhh let me save my companions#like idk why can't you ask dame aylin about shadowheart's shar curse?#gale's true resurrection scroll is never talked about#despite the fact it could definitely cure karlach (if you remove all of the mechanical parts before casting)#and maybe cure astarion because i THINK he's just barely behind the 200 year mark#yeah ok there's one cast of it but also raw divine intervention go whee soo#you've got at least two clerics if you save isobel#and even if shadowheart's divine intervention is explained as shar being petty and them not having a good relationship in a good run#isobel??? man that's her mother in law i don't think she's going to say no#or idk could we call mizora to the house of hope and kill her or something#because her zariel's protection thing doesn't really help if shes ALREADY in the hells#anyway i was thinking of fanfiction could you tell#bg3#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate three
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it’s weird how much lighter my life feels now. not that i don’t have any issues (because there are many in my life, as i am sure there are in yours), but they’re just so much more manageable than they were a year ago.
what’s more; i love myself now. i may not be perfect. but i am trying my best, and i can tell that i am! i see myself in the mirror, and sometimes i just examine myself, and my features, and i smile. i feel so much more authentic when talking to people, not worrying about how they view me, because i don’t have to anymore. i wish i could’ve told 15-year old me just how good it’s gotten so far, i know that he would’ve loved hearing about the shitty sideburns we’re growing out right now :’)
#it gets better :)#i used to think that transitioning medically wouldn’t lessen the sadness and depression i felt#and to some degree it is still there since t isn’t a cure all#but by the gods it is so much fucking easier to deal with everything#when a major reason for my mental health being the way it was has been abated#it’s like the fog cleared enough for me to actually see the road i’m driving on#instead of assuming blindly that i won’t crash#once i get top surgery.#idk. i wonder if things will be even easier?#i’m almost a year in and already my life feels so much brighter. yeah there’s problems with keeping the house. and yeah#i don’t have an income yet and i don’t know if the internship will even be in the cards for me#but. i just feel that everything will work out. enough for me to enjoy the time i have here :)#sorry i am being sappy but god! i love and i love! so much now!! i feel so much and i enjoy nearly every day despite the Issues#the world is getting worse but still i find reasons to love and live#so maybe one day it will get better? maybe one day my love will have helped even#if you’re reading. i love you. even if you’re just a follower#even if we’re mutuals that haven’t talked before#i think about you often. i wonder where my oldest mutual went after they stopped posting years ago#i don’t think i can forget. and i love you. and i wish i. could give you a hug. we all need one from time to time#i love the friends i’ve made and the friends i’ve had. i love. and this past year has opened up my floodgates of emotion
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(photo not mine)
The irony of life. What I originally typed I have erased cause I didn't feel like posting it but insert bitching about life. Feeling ostracized, hating certain things that keep happening to me, and overall general dissatisfaction.
I probably just need to stay offline for a week cause I'm beginning to hate everything.
#Personal#I forget I'm human#For fucks sake#I think some good fanart would cure me#Maybe a good playlist#Wish I could write rn but I've been too busy and the passion has been gone#I thought these spring temps were supposed to improve my mood
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I am not immune to any cutes - including Rick and Morty cutes, unfortunately (Patreon)
#Doodles#Keroppi#Princess Tutu#Ahiru#Rick and Morty#Drizz#Tinkles the Magic Ballerina Lamb#And friend - and tree lol#Cure#And the really cute preying mantis girl from Vindicators 2 - what was with that miniseries having a bunch of cute designs anyway#This really is a RaM-heavy cutes dump - look if they're cute they're cute! I can't help that!#From the top first tho! Lol#Got the urge to draw some of my Sanrio faves - Cinnamoroll specifically - but I ended up only drawing Keroppi#I didn't think I had all that much of an opinion on Keroppi apart from y'know - cute lol but I like him quite a lot I think!#Simple little guy :) I like those kinds of squishy little guys haha#I already like Kuromi too so I guess I just?? have several faves now?? Alright cool lol bully for me#I can't explain the baseball uniform outside of the stripes and sometimes I just wanna draw a batter - OFFxSanrio when lol#Random e'phant for funsies :) I can't imagine what has me wanting to doodle a little trunk creachur for some reason haha#And then an Ahiru! Hweh!!! I'm still glad I added Princess Tutu to my rotation but hweh ;;#Might have maybe been poking around AO3 for post-canon fics of her being happy - not even necessarily Fix-It Fics just - she deserves happy!#There was a quite cute one of Fakir comforting her during a thunderstorm by running a sinkful of water for her :') Cute#And then the rest - Rick and Morty sheesh#Who could have figured there'd be so Much cutes! Like I personally kinda like the RaM aesthetic - especially the colours they're really nice#And yeah like Tinkles is designed to be endearing on purpose - which now that I think of it that's another thing I really like isn't it#Gigglepies and Osomons and Twonkies... Yeah the parasitic good-memory alien fits right in with that#Too bad we never see their real form while alive it's only their illusory form until they die aw#As mentioned Drizz and the Mantid girl are both so cute like this isn't fair honestly - and those trees??? In the flashback??#There's nearly matching ones in Webkinz actually which I think is very funny lol#Cure is absolutely no help with any of this - doesn't help that Never-Past-Bedtime-Land and Froopyland are both kinda like where she lives#I blame her for enjoying hopping back in she refuses to shy away from enjoyment pfbtl okay fine
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