#I started my period and I want to cry
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i cant have an argument without crying wtf
#im not fucking sad#im not upset that im being yelled at#i know that im right#i just start crying and its so fucking humiliating#especially when arguing with my mom#like oh ok you already see me as an irrational teenager#and now im crying which makes me seem even less mature#even when im just trying to have a fucking conversation#but apparently im “having a meltdown” and overreacting??#as if youre not wtf#i thought it was universally decided that “are you on your period or something?” is annoying and demeaning#and we dont say that to other women#and all emotions are valid#even if you are on your period bc like tf#but i guess no im just an irrational teenage girl#and you can just walk away from the conversation#as if youre any more emotionally mature than me#and its over nothing#shes the most dramatic person in the world#i didnt even raise my voice#if she wants to use that demeaning ass tone#then im using it back#whatever this is stupid#ignore this
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Saw some of the grossest parenting today in the bus
#this dad was on his phone the whole bus ride ok#and his two kids were screaming arguing#at most he would periodically tell them to lower their voice while still on his phone#one time he told them to stop the one sitting next to him hit him 😭 and he went back to look at his phone with no reaction#my guy something is seriously wrong with you#your kids are screaming at each other doesn't even matter all that much that we are in the bus rn#theyre not just being loud kids you need to do smt!!!!!! its too early for this!!! i could hear them even with my noise cancelling headphone#anyways#ive never seen smt like this#and i work in a mall i see lots of parents and kids#idk smt really disgusting about a parent just not even interested in engaging with their kids#dude no wonder they're loud they probably want ur attention#also this one lady once who came in wjth a big stroller#and the store where i work has little moving rooms between the aisle so this woman decided TO LEAVE THE STROLLER WITH A KID INSIDE AT THE#FRONT OF THE STORE#the kids started crying and his hrother (toddler not in the stroller but not following the mom for some reason) started exploring and i#i had to watch them until the mom came back but like the woman just left them there???#i just stepped in but what if i hadnt??? lady?????????#i see lots of cute interactions of course#like this little girl who came with who i think is her grandpa and he asked me to help her chose her next manga read 😭💖#i basically work in a book/toy store#theres a lot of candy as well the kids love it#idk i like seeing kids being happy ok it is healing#like all the kids sitting on the floors deep in their books while the parents shop 😭😭😭 makes me smile every time top tier behavior
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NUCLEAR BOMb IM ALL CHOKED UP
#IM SORRY I START CRYING EVERYTIME WHEN SOMEBODU IS NICE TO ME#MY HYPERSENSITIVITY IS TERRIBLE#these are so incredibly special to me#all i’ve done today is cry and sit there Oh not too great at all#Today as been so ass. thank you to my dear friends for helping me out without even knowing what’s going on#ii don’t really Want to share what it’s about because i just don’t want to think about it period (failing miserably)#but. thank you. i don’t know how many times i can say that but i swear i mean that so so much every single time. i love you all#mailbox
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IM STILL THINKING ABOUT THE KITTEN
#im trying to work on ppu so much rn but literally EVERY TIME I TRY TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE#MY BRAIN IS LIKE#DUDE YOU WANT THAT CAT SO BAD#AND THN I START CRYING JSDFJSDF#text post#I DONT NEED 4 CATS. BUT I WANT 4 CATS. DO YOU UNDERSTANd?#technically one of the cats in my house isn't mine. she is my brothers but he cant have cats where he lives so i care for her#BUT SHES NOT VERY FOND OF ME#is it so bad that i want a cat that will actually cuddle me!!!#inky is not a lap cat. he is just a 'pet me now and then' cat#and dash is very selective about when its cuddle time#and when he DOES cuddle it's for a very short period of time#I JUST WANT A LITTLE BABY THAT WNATS TO CUDDLE ME OKAYY????#SHE WAS SOOOOOOOOOO CUDDLYYY
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Just started my 7h shift and I need sugar
Donuts, candy, cookies, ice cream, I need it all.
#blud my period be trippin this month#I'm actually getting emotional and about to start crying becuz i want a donut#azucar unhinged thoughts
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I need to lay in bed and be held by aki while he rubs my back and maybe I cry a little
#or a lot#I'm not feeling good today#probably because I'm going to start my period in a few days#so that's why I'm upset#I have a headacheee#and then earlier my coworker texted me and asked if I wanted his shift#and I said no because I'm tired and not feeling good#and I was gonna make christmas cookies with my mom tomorrow#and he's like oh ok#and then he just texts me at 11pm and is like#'yeah nobody else will take my shift so u do it pls'#UUUUUGGGHHhhhh I DON'T WANT TOOOOOOOO#aki... hold me#I need to have a good cry#I'll feel better afterward
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHG
#feeling like ive been run over by a lorry#partly cause i woke up this morning after a horrific nightmare#so i tried to be nice to myself and sort of just keep going with my day#and then i feel so shit after doing a bit of studying that my arms start to stop working#and my brain feels like its melting#and im like ooh those are warning signs right#that means i need to take a break and do some self care#so i go into my siblings room and try and do some work there#and then it doesnt work cause i just cant concentrate and im shutting down#then i realise im on my period#so then i have a 2 hour nap#and now ive eaten something and drank something and taken paracetamol and have a heatpad and am not alone#so we're getting towards better 👍#maybe ill try and do some maths or maybe ill do something else to make me feel better#i want to cry and possibly explode#but its fiiiiine#anyway#rambles#cult rambles#tw vent#vent post
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i have winter break next week and i wanna have fun
#ive been so sad tinught im gonna have my period soon#im so gonna get it so that it ruins the whole fucking break😭#its gonna ruin all the fun if i get it next week#it better come tonight i swear#im gonna be with my friends but ill be rude and sad and its gonna ruin everything#i hate being alive#yeah no it’s definitely coming. soon cause im crying about it rn#i just ohhhhmy god does it have to be me???? specifically???!????#im gonna kill god#can i just get it rn and have it done by the weekend please#please please please let me get what i want lord knows it would be the first time#😔😔😔😔😔#ong its gonna start tomorrow trust with the way im so emotional rn#i fucking hate myself#i shouldve gone in the shower earlier cause its gonna be So Bad but i have to do it tonight#i wanna fucking kms#sorry im oversharing
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#whb#whb satan#waiting for my ride home and suddenly started thinking about how cute satan is again#why is this smelly gymrat so cute???#i wanna squeeze him like a bear hug but more violent#i wanna gnaw on him like a chew toy#i wanna pinch him til he cries#actually i just want him to cry period i think it'd be really really cute
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knitting fails and hormones don't go together.
#bawling my eyes out once again#spent all evening knitting a german short row heel for the first time instead of a regular flap & gusset#struggling because i don't have 2.5mm dpns#i was 8 rows away from completing it when i did a purl row instead of a knit row#luckily i put in a lifeline before i started the heel so i was able to frog back but my fucking god#i am so annoyed rn. i'm crying. i want to scream. i want to throw my work against a wall. i'm sooo done.#periods are great.
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I love being chill and normal (threatened to stab my brother then punched my bedroom wall)
#anyways !#he gets to shower before I do even tho I have to be at work at seven tomorrow in person and he works from home#and I have to keep fucking driving him places like I have to get up super early on my day off on Saturday to drive him to the fucking#airport so he can travel up north and I have to just bring him to the airport and I’m not going up north I just have to drive back home and#it’s going to fucking kill me to do#and I’m so stressed and burnt out and on my period and I have to get up so early tomorrow for work and I’ve woken up in the middle of the#night the last two nights just to throw up so I really just want to shower and go to sleep so I can get up and go to work and then get back#home again and do nothing but be tired and wait to work again ughhhhhhhhhh#and I got on a discord call that 📞 was in and hearing her voice hit me like a truck and I started frustration crying about everything from#the last week so thank fuck some of these emotions are out of me a bit cause I was seriously going to hurt someone if my brain didn’t shutup#also for the record I didn’t say I was going to stab him someone on tv said something about stabbing someone and I said that’s what I wanna#do to you and he got all offended
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god i have just. so much shame and regret and i’m 23 and time is always passing and i’ll be 24 25 26 27 with even more shame and regret it’s building up
#i spent the whole day asleep and now crying#and i have so much to do and i keep ignoring my responsibilities#when you start showing signs of depression at 13 and it never stops now what#it’s my period talking i’m aware that every beginning of every month i want to kill myself &#the rest of the month i’m trying to recover & failing#every thought i have during these weeks just haunts me#thanks pmdd#but i know that in truth that’s just me and the period is intensifying it#i can’t remember a time when i felt truly okay#during all these years#tw depression#tw sucidal ideation#diary
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alright guys that's it im never driving again
#literally had a whole ass panic attack + mental breakdown behind the wheel because we did a practice road test and i freaked out#like i did the road test but fucked everything up and then when she was telling me everything i was doing wrong i started to cry and i didnt#-WANT TO FUCKING CRY because i need to IMPROVE but i was so stressed out about the actual road test and fucking it up that i started having#-a fucking panic attack in front of my instructor and it was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life im going to kill myself#im also on my period so like you guys can just take me out back and shoot me now. i fucking hate it here.#bee.txt
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