#I should do a few more still life stuff
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obsessed with ideas of what a fight between those two would look like...
#update: my brain tried to kill me but it didn't work and also i can legally drive now#cats the musical#my art stuff#munkustrap#the rum tum tugger#i have yapped about this endlessly to people but ill harp on it one more time. i don't think either of them would back down if sufficiently#like. annoyed? set off? by each other#because i think in general situations they'll both back down. munkustrap will back down when it's not worth it and it's better to just let#tugger posture. and tugger will back down if with a bit of posturing still if he can see that munk actually won't budge because#actually fighting him just isn't worth it. like i feel like they have a fairly good sense of which one of them should just let it go in a#given situation#i'm looking at them partially as cats and partially as people lmao. i think in a situation where the arguing topic is one that actually#matters to both of them and they disagree - this drawing is on an argument about griz i thought of fx - they'll be locked in a bit of a#standstill until they can figure themselves out. in this situation the way i have it in my head tugger would back down but he would not wan#to. he'd just know munkustrap's standing his ground on this one and there's nothing he can do about it so he'll just turn tail and#scamper off eventually#cue silent treatment for a week or something#and then they take a few naps together and life is beautiful again#bazinga
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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#hmm🫤#is it time to abandon this desperate desire to meet someone organically in person and finally wade into the world of online dating?#obviously. i would still be incredibly open to meeting someone organically#but is it time to start actively looking online??#30yrs is not that far off for me and....I'm ready to have that person who is *my person*#the person i can call when I'm lonely and not feel like a loser because i know they want to share in my company as much as i do theirs#someone who will kiss my forehead and let me lean against them while we watch a movie#someone who will play new board games with me and maybe even some Dnd#i was feeling the Big Sad Lonely last night so today I got out of the house and drove into the city to go to a few shops...#...and just drive in the traffic (I'm a weirdo who actually enjoys city driving on highways)#and one shop i went to was a big game and ttrpg store (so much awesome stuff)#when i checked out i had such a lovely pleasant and fun interaction with the guy at the checkout#he was kinda handsome. not a chad by any means but he seemed cool and had such an attractive voice#and i know nothing about him/his values/his life--not even his name#but i tell you. if that store wasn't 1.5hrs from my house--I'd be dropping in a lot more often just to maybe get to know him a little better#he was so nice and i felt like there was some chemistry there???#maybe??????#but i feel like the odds of us actually sharing all/most of the same values are low so I'm just torturing myself by dwelling on it probably#the ramblings of a dragon#i want a man. a fun godly. creative man#maybe i should be looking online 🫠
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love how there are pretentious video essays that just repeat the book and meander and ramble about house of leaves. it's what zampanó would have wanted. it is not, however, what I want
#anyway i finished the main portion of the book#all i have left is the poems and a few other small things i think? ive read pelafinas letters#im thinking of getting the full book of her letters#but also they severely messed with my head so we'll see#i will say. i do get why ppl say the book is pretentious and frustrating#there was a lot of stuff where i couldnt tell if it was supposed to be satire or if it was genuinely just that dense and pretentious#and a lot of the codes were rly obtuse imo?#like... idk. some of them were super obvious like the sos stuff or pelafina outright saying what to do#but others like. man how am i supposed to know johnny waxing poetic about pussy was coded#i mean that one is also pointed out though much later but i know i missed a lot just like it that werent pointed out#and ive heard theres a lot of shit where the message you get is just danielewski????? which gonna be real. kinda dumb.#but i did also really enjoy the book#there was a lot of stuff in it that was just so compelling or poignant or whatever other word#the minotaur stuff is good (ofc id say that though i love me some minotaur themes)#also a lot of the scenes with johnny just...... christ#idk how ppl say to skip them hes so fascinating#yeah i could do with him talking about his possibly hallucinated sex life a bit less but also his story is just plain interesting#i still think about the part where the girl he was talking to runs over a dog they had picked up........ it was fucking chilling#and his hallucinations of dying are so descriptive in just the right way to get under my skin#the uncertainty with him and his family..... did pelafina try to kill him? did his father just send her away for being a bit too overbearin#over an accident? was there something else? what was the deal with his foster family? with lude? gdansk man and kyrie?#how did it get published? who are the editors? why did the band know of the book before it should have been published?#why does his journal section end with a story from a man he admits to making up completely? the doctor from seattle doesnt exist#the chronological end is more hopeful with him saying things will be okay but then he puts a previous entry after that?#i think the burning of the book parallels the story nicely#johnny said his piece; he nurtured the book as much as he could; but it was hurting him and he had to give up on it#idk!#this book does make me feel a lil dumb ngl
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really sucks when you can't enjoy things you like bc doing them makes you feel guilty and like you're a piece of shit
#personal#going through it again#it happens every so often like once every few weeks#maybe months if i'm being optimistic#just feeling. like i know i'm avoiding the stuff i like bc i feel like i should be doing other things#like fucking getting my documents that i still need to go find a job#so i can have money to help at home#instead of just sitting here all day on my laptop#but i can't do that bc im stressed about it#i know most of my family doesn't mind i help around the house still when i'm actually feeling decent but still#can't help but be stressed#also the anxiety but that's like#a constant in my life. that's just how it is#so i just move around it#at least i can still enjoy reading#i enjoy reading so so much#and i'm really looking forward to having my friends over for my bday next saturday (not this one)#should help me deal with all this stuff#really need more contact with people#bc i haven't seen them in like a month at least#been staying up until like 4am lately bc i'm just#reading lol#been really into momlet content with a side of monster clover :3
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god the amount of art i would pump out if i stopped letting lineart talk me out of it i would be unstoppable
#this is a rant @ me and not to sound like i'm bragging when i say what i'm about to say#but i swear to god it takes more time/effort for me to do a cartoonish drawing than a photo realistic-ish drawing and i hate it#because sometimes i just want to do a simple drawing that's just lineart. maybe SOME shading.#but i fuss so much on how the lines should look and where to add more/less lines and what kind of thickness and blah blaaah#i have SO many art ideas i want to bring to life i stress myself out about it#i know that sounds so stupid#like yes just do art! do it bad! it's better than nothing!#but it's... deflating. especially when i literally have an art degree like#5 years of art school and i was barely taught anything about line art#'oh well that's in animation so you'd want to do a degree in television' ???#and those few times lineart was relevant was when there was a naked person in front of us when you're told to just replicate what you see#but we rarely had any variety between models and when i'm in that setting drawing someone my mind is just#~oh god naked person don't stare but i must don't think about it but it needs to be right oh god naked person i'm uncomfortable -+#like it was just overwhelming stress of getting it right rather than actually learning anything#which honestly sums up my art school experience overall#but it also doesn't help when you hate your own body so much and the idea of someone trying to draw you is just humiliating#(like at one point we had to partner up with someone and both paint their portrait AND model their head with clay#and i nearly had a breakdown and refused and asked if i could use someone at home instead#bc I've got plenty of scars and deformities and my face isn't symmetrical and i knew that was either going to be overlooked or exaggerated#and when it's the other way around i try my best to pay attention to detail but it's becoming this debilitating anxiety#of doing exactly that back. and it's made me paranoid to do anatomy related stuff) ANYWAY#it would have been good if people weren't ALWAYS naked and they helped us narrow down how different fabrics work on bodies and stuff#and to help us convey that through LINEART instead of needing to do whole ass paintings and detailed sketches and stuff#[SpongeBob voice] WHAT I LEARNED IN ART SCHOOL IS--- 😬#anyway if any fellow artists have any tips they'd be willing to share i would very happily listen#like i've got my drive back to draw things again which in itself is nice but man#it would be nice to not lose steam 5 minutes after anything i start drawing because i freak myself out#okay rant over if anyone's still here thank you for your patience and interest#me ranting
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wish i could stop losing stuff irretrievably. some hardware error emptied out my recycle bin a couple days earlier. just to shit on a day i'd spent being genuinely happy about the art i create. i guess. i'm tired of compromises, sick of lying that "it wasn't that important anyway", and throwing up at "oh well, can't be helped".
and yet. and yet. despite every pain, both major and minor, the love is there. the love is still there. guess i've just somehow miraculously hit that point (or gone past it a long time ago) where every grievance beyond a certain amount hurts an unspeakable amount more than it should. and it stacks. probably went overboard a while back. don't know when.
still, i adore my project. still got someone in whose arms i feel safe. hope i'll get out someday. hope i'll get a win.
#i truly do believe that if i get the rest of my work back‚ the important bits#then everything else is gonna be all fine. negligible losses. one more pain on the road to victory.#i learned what digital corpses look like yesterday. zeroes where bs and 4s and Hs should be. it sits badly in my gut. it is difficult to#have hope.#and yet#and yet i will never lose mine until it's all truly over#i'm hoping for a win. it'll be the biggest win of my life at this point. everything else can go to hell at that point.#just give me the news‚ doc. give me the tiebreaker. tell me to live or to despair.#got things to live for beyond that one piece of art i've made. got a few of them‚ in fact.#yet a life without my art seems as bleak as they come. don't know what to look for beyond that. just let me win this one time.#seven years of constant pain is more than enough no matter how you slice it. if i'm not given closure here‚ for this one thing‚ then i'll#give it to myself. will be cruel. will be tough. think it holds less pain still.#but i don't want it. don't wanna think about it. crying as i write this. don't wanna face the music. hate how it hinges on that. are all#artists like this‚ or is it just me who is insane?#i've moved on with the help of my art. without my art‚ i can't move on. can't move on from the lack of moving on‚ either. just loss after#loss after loss. but maybe. maybe not. if i win‚ i'll just cuss out this pain i'm going through right now for the rest of my days and#eventually laugh about it. losses will become scars on living tissue. emphasize on l i v i n g tissue. living‚ as in can create‚ can#continue to love‚ can continue to adore and to help and to play and to smile and all sorts of things. can do all that good stuff that makes#a life worth livin'.#so. dunno if i'm transmitting. dunno if anyone's listening. but i'm hoping for contact.#logs#black blank blah-blah-blah
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Okay I thought I was tripping but I counted and there's about 92 requests in the hoard so this is y'all's semi consistent reminder that I love you so much and I'm excited about literally all the requests and I will do my best to fulfill them at a reasonable balance of speed and quality <3
due to the number of them I will likely be choosing with preference towards the oldest, my personal favorites, and random selected ones!
Thank you for being so patient and understanding! 🫶✨
#i also try to make sure to sprinkle in andy and joe every now and then#even tho yall kno im obsessed with Patrick#and i try to sprinkle in personal requests here and there bc i know that those r very vulnerable and special#but yeaj i just wanted to put into context why i havent been able to respond to these as quickly as id like#i want to keep them lighthearted doodles for the most part but i dont want them to lack quality#like really wonky proportions or bodies without faces etc#and some really warrant a few sketches per request#should i set up a patreon? idk if theres enough of us that like a dollar a month could add up to something#but also an idea ive had is i could do a couple dollars for a vote and we could do a full painting once a month!#trying to keep this fun and accessible but still figure out how to do it without life stuff interrupting#never putting the art behind a paywall but also if i had more time to give to these ahh#imagine daily livestreams of full illustrations for requests!! the dream#okay ive typed enough#not art#general psa#request
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it's done, he's going to miami
#.......sighs#I think i am dissapointed in him in ways I didnt expect to be#unless something comes out that points to the club being at fault rn it looks like there was never any real intention to come#why else would he not be willing to give us at least a few weeks to get some players out and move stuff around to be able to fit him in#economically#and its also dissapointing bc he still plays at a great level he should be going to another european team or something..... at least a more#competitive league#going to miami is like retiring basically and I was hoping he didnt do it#but oh well its his life and his career if what he wants is just money and low level stakes football then thats what he wants and im no one#to tell him what he should do#lionel messi#leo messi#fcb#fc barcelona#barça
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no stronger bond than between two people who were online friends and then lost touch
she deleted her tumblr in 2022
i hope she knows i still think about her
#she had a different tumblr before that aswell#and she deleted it#but she made a new one a few months later and texted me#she remembered my name#she had made me a spotify playlist dedicated to me with songs that she wanted me to listen to#i was so bad with texting her because i was still socially awkward and didn't know what to say#i should have texted her more#i think about her every now and then#i just went through all of our messages and read them all#she was so sweet#i have no idea what her life is like now#i still have that spotify playlist#im listening to it right now#i could make a playlist for her and tag her in it? is that a thing? do i need to actually send it to her?#i hope i can talk to her again#i want to know about her life#i had a little crush on her for a bit#even though all i knew was her name#and a description she told me of herself of what she looked like#all we ever talked about was small talk about our lives and about music we liked#but it was somehow still so personal#back then i didn't have any other friends#i got so excited when she messaged me#but half the time i was too scared to text her back#i miss her#non fandom stuff
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Was thinking about how I would write a Suicide Squad book if I got the chance to post (hypothetical) Absolute Power and like... I would totally rock this guys
Won't go totally into it here I don't think because time and also feeling pumped about the idea so may write something for it (which I have an AWFUL track record for finishing, but also if current Waller appearances piss me off enough who knows) but anyways it would have Amanda Waller and Ben Turner (Bronze Tiger) as dueteragonists, (especially for the first few arcs, although moving to a greater Waller focus [at least for a bit] around issue 10? 15? When she really starts to do things). Anyways the main story (at least at the beginning) would follow Ben Turner as he leads the squad both in the field and at home (essentially acting as the "Waller" along with his normal field leader duties) while secretly having Waller herself in residence at Belle Reve pretending to be a prisoner.
Early issues would focus on Ben saving the world (and keeping the squad in check) while also struggling to hide Waller from the government, heroes, and the rest of Belle Reve (save an accomplice or two). This of course works great, until it doesn't
#not sure what the full squad setup would be here but on the more administrative side you would have john economos returning as belle reve#warden from the 87 series (with a focus on 'hey! this guy is corrupt!' in both a loser and maybe a threatening way)#and richard dragon i think. because ben will be under a lot of stress and should have a trusted friend there#and also for character reasons of course. yay character development!!!!!#richard would only be around for the first few arcs though like even before waller gets out of her cell hes gone#mainly i need him there to prompt a realization and some development for ben#also for when either shiva and/or cain shows up. because i love drama (and the kung fu trio <3)#there would be a justice for carolyn wu san moment bc i love her. but also like gap between what someone 'deserves' and what you could give#and the kind of person your loved one and you want yourself to be#(yeah ben spares cain's life. breaks some bones but yeah)#anyways eventually amanda gets found out. which ofc causes PROBLEMS. but at least it means she gets to do things in the plot and be all#waller like as opposed to being waller still but mainly focusing like character stuff. offering advice. small scale conflicts. near misses#w being found out etc.#but yeah this idea is very dear to me#amanda waller#ben turner#suicide squad#swishy aus#blah
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binniee🥰🥰🥰
#오랜만에 빈어스!!!!#so funny bc i totally messed up the time difference i had an alarm set for 6 instead of 5 💀😭#and like i woke up in the middle of the night around 4:50 or smth and was like oh i still have an hour before binnie comes on should i sleep#and then a few minutes later my notifs go off abt his live and im like *pikachu_meme.jpeg*#so nice seeing him 🥰🥰#wish i understood more hahaa#but i caught that he said he has a solo stage 👀 and they'll also be doing stages of releases when binseong were enlisted ? 👀#he also said he misses jaeyoon...roomies for life 🥺🥲#obvi he said more; the live was over an hour but i can't remember what else i could make out...#I'm gonna go back to sleep in a bit 😂#youngbin#caps n stuff
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Eating disorder warning / emetophobia warning in tags
#okay here’s my problem with coming from a place of mostly self-recovered disordered eating*#*and by this I mean I did NOT have an eating disorder - I had disordered eating likely caused by sensory or categorization issues#BUT I also was like the fat kid at school so my stance was basically ‘it’s good that I already don’t eat because I SHOULDNT eat anyway’#okay so I’m speaking to that experience rn#but my problem with coming from this mental background (ages birth to 15 so still more than half my life)#is that I will catch a stomach bug where I cannot keep anything in my body for 12 hours#and then I don’t want to eat anything for the next few days because I am terrified of being sick#BUT I will then look in the mirror and my brain will be like#wait ?? did u lose weight??! r u SKINNIER???#and (all of this is before I even realize I’m consciously thinking it too) I’ll go like damn maybe I should do this more!#maybe I need to go back to not eating a single thing!#and I don’t know if it’s different if u like learn techniques and stuff from an actual person#but I’m like why does my mind ALWAYS refer back to ‘yay no food never eat again!!’#like it’s so weird and like mildly annoying#I’m like damn we really have no Will to live do we#anyway ya
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this is your gentle reminder to stop fighting against your adhd and instead structure your life around it
buy a pack of chapsticks and put one in the pocket of all of your coats and jackets because you always forget to bring one and chapped lips is sensory hell
leave important things where you can see them. if they go in a box or a drawer you will forget they exist
put any appointments or deadlines in your phone calendar As Soon As you get them. set a reminder for a week before, a day before, an hour before, as many as you need as often as you need them.
when that little voice in your head says "i dont need to write that down, ill remember it" that is the devil talking!!! write it down anyway!!
plan for down time. have a few hours at the end of every day to just do fun stuff like engage in your hyperfixations. even if you didnt get all of your work done that day, have the rest anyway. you probably spent the whole day beating yourself up for not doing what you Should be doing, so you still need the break.
if you never eat vegetables because its too much effort to chop and cook them, get the frozen or canned shit. it doesnt go off for ages and you just have to microwave it. theres no point buying fresh vegetables if they just keep going off and being left to rot in the bottom of your fridge
if you struggle to decide what to have for dinner every day, take the decision out of it. choose a set of meals and eat those on rotation until you get sick of them, then choose some new ones and do it again.
its not stupid if it works! our brains literally have a chemical deficiency. you are allowed to accommodate yourself. go forth and stop making your life more difficult than it has to be because "this shouldn't be this hard". it is hard, so make it easier.
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i can’t believe i managed to get fucking mono and didn’t even get it by doing anything fun
#mono glandular fever whatever the people who will see the joke will call it mono and it’s less clinical sounding#I need to shout about a lot of stuff now and if you do not know a bunch about what’s been happening already this will not make any sense#I’m just fucking. so [static] about how this term has gone bc this isn’t how it was meant to go#this year was meant to be good! it was going well enough already! I was genuinely happy and would’ve recovered from the bumps!#and it’s my last year in this fucking place and a good chunk of that time is just Gone now. eaten by this bullshit#I had so many plans! and I was actually doing them! and that’s collapsed now!#just on the kind of basic level there I was gonna do dnd and while we might get a few sessions Nobody least of all me#will have time to do much. and I was gonna try to do Some Kind Of Exercise I don’t know why the phrase work out sounds bad but that and like#didn’t happen! and now I have mono :) and I can’t even do ice hockey anymore#worst part abt that is that I didn’t and wouldn’t have noticed that I’ve been so much more tired than normal for the past month if it werent#for the fucking throat swelling#but like! I’m going home in two weeks bc I can’t stand being here any more than I absolutely have to now and I hate that! I want to be here!#I want to get back to my fucking life but that just Isn’t Happening now because of all this bullshit#and everything bar the mono has been stupid and preventable but I’m also pretty sure I Got the mono bc I was so stressed + run down already#I need things to be normal again when I come back in January but I don’t know how much it will ever be normal again in this flat#and on top of that I am So Behind on work. I can’t tell how much I should have done but I’m barely working. I’ve probably done no more than#like 10-15 hours a week? for the past three weeks and that’s honestly optimistic because it’s so hard to even get out of fucking bed#I wanna see my fucking friends but I haven’t been and the last time I saw someone was turning down a guy who surprise: Still Into Me#I was gonna do shit this weekend but then storm and being plagued so not wanting to go out in the storm#and this weekend was nice I had some time to myself which I haven’t had in ages but. I think I just miss everything really bad#I need to cook and it’s getting late and before I can cook I need to do a bunch of cleaning I’ve been putting off and I can’t Not do either#tonight I need to do both bc I don’t have food left and I literally can’t cook until I clean so I should go do that now#I’m terrified I’m losing something I can’t get back and will be later making decisions based on short term bullshit that fucked it all up#I’m gonna go clean while I still have something left in me#luke.txt
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yesterday I still felt a little guilty for going back to the doc bc I ended up feeling a little better by the time I got back home (after nearly falling asleep in the doctor's office while waiting for her to be done with the previous patient)
but today has been all disgusting snot and runny nose times a hundred including all the godawful sneezing I can usually avoid even during allergy season so I feel a lot less bad now. about the staying at home that is, overall I feel like shit but what can you do
#the extension cables I ordered arrived tho so I was able to at least make the living room cable management a little more neat#and to move the small shelf from the kitchen there at the same time since I have a bigger one arriving on Friday to fit there#small progress to help deal with the mess I've gotten sick of seeing every day for the past few years#still have a ton of things I should really just throw away that I have yet to sort through but I'll do that when I can breathe again#the dust has been killing my will to live over the past few years of reorganising and cleaning#but I would like to have spaces that are actually dedicated to certain things#like.. have my crafts stuff in one place (or maybe two.. fitting all the yarn and fabric in the same space as inks and paints and paper..#..not gonna happen. but some semblance of a more organised space overall would be nice#atm crafting time is as much search and rescue as it is actual time spent making things which.. sucks the fun out of it. esp for the cleanu#but anyway.. small steps. and yes. I'm still ignoring the piles of washed clothes and unwashed dishes bc I am not up for it rn#I'll get there#a day in the life of..
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