#so funny bc i totally messed up the time difference i had an alarm set for 6 instead of 5 💀😭

[jaeyooniverse]

binniee🥰🥰🥰

[bella-spil]

Emotion Sickness

Summary: You catch Steve and Natasha in the act.  After a couple hours you find yourself in the medical wing with Bucky, and you want him to help you with some problems.

Warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT(so nobody under 18.  Wait what am I saying? I’m under 18, so idgaf.)

taglist: @kmuir1​ @wednesday-add-em​ @sea040561​ (the more the merrier)

Word Count: 4k

A/N: sry I haven’t posted in a while, so I wrote this to make up for not writing lately.  This is based off a comic called “Emotion Sickness,” so I would check it out bc it’s pretty good.  It’s an online comic. Enjoy!  Also check out my Masterlist!

It was a normal day at the Avengers Compound.  The sun was out and there wasn’t a grey cloud in sight.  Birds were chirping and squirrels were running around the fields surrounding the Compound.  Overall a very peaceful day.    

You did your normal morning routine: wake up, work out, take a shower, eat breakfast, and then relax for the rest of the day. You were relaxing and listening to music in your room, a normal activity for you.  Steve and Natasha were hanging around somewhere that you didn’t care, and everyone else was on a mission somewhere around the world.  You were thanking God that you had a few days off because you needed it, maybe more than Steve and Natasha.

You were a part of the team because you had a very specific skill set.  You could manipulate people, physically, emotionally and mentally.  Also, you could fly, so you had a big field when it comes to powers.  And you could feel what others could feel, physically and mentally and emotionally.  Your emotions have an array of effects on your powers.  For example, if you were mad, everyone, even super villains, would know not to mess with you.  If you were sad or depressed, your powers would almost be non existent.  And whenever you were happy, you had full control over your powers.

While you were in your room, you hear something.  It was very loud and something that you had never heard before.  It was a voice.  Female and high pitched.  But then moments after, you hear a deep, vulgar grunt, belonging to a man.  And you had no clue who or where they were coming from.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?  Where is the noise coming from?” you asked.

“It is coming from the living room, two floors up,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. announced.

So you set off on your mission, finding out what the Hell that noise was.  And why you could hear it when you were two floors above.

As you were walking down the hallway to the elevator, your mind started creating all sorts of possibilities for what the noises could be.  At first, you thought someone came home from their mission early, but then you realized that the only person coming back soon was Bucky.  

He was off on a solo mission in Montauk.  You and him are close friends, and you really wanted to make him like you.  You had an insane, big crush on him.  Everything about him was just perfect, from his scars to his eyes.  But making him like you would just ruin everything, so hopefully in the future, he would confess.  

But you just talked to him this morning.  You were on the phone and he was updating you on his mission.  He said he would be back tomorrow, so there was no way those noises were from him.

As you were going up in the elevator, the slow calming melody playing in the background, your mind floated to the possibility that the Compound had been ambushed.  Maybe by H.Y.D.R.A. agents or maybe Crossbones.  But then as soon as that thought came into your head, it vanished.  You realized that there was no way that could have happened because with Tony’s new alarm system, the Compound would have gone into a full on lock down.  Sirens would have been going off, windows would have been blocking out sunlight with steel barriers and F.R.I.D.A.Y. would have been notifying you about who entered.  Not to mention Steve and Natasha would have barged into your room.

That's it.  Steve and Natasha.  The elevator door slides open and you went down another corridor to the huge living room.

Then you tried to think why Steve and Natasha would be making noise.  Your first thought they were training, not hard to break a table, but hard enough to leave a mark.  But then you realized the gym was on the exact same floor.  You thought maybe they were arguing, but you would have heard them shouting.  Surprisingly, they can be loud when they want to be, especially on game night.  You thought they might have been laughing or play-fighting or something like that, but as you rounded the corner, into the living room, you had a totally different picture being presented to you.

You found Natasha lying face down on the couch.  Her face was covered in beads of sweat and her eyes were not even visible.  Only white was showing from between her eyelids.  Her lips were spread apart and tiny trails of tears, made more visible by mascara, covered her cheeks and disappeared into the cushions of the couch.  And then you saw that she was naked.  Completely, fully, unashamedly nude.  Thankfully, you could only see her head since the couch was covering everything.

And Steve.  Captain America.  The innocent man from the 1940’s.  That pure side was wiped from your mind as soon as you saw him.  You could only see the top half of his body, and you were slightly embarrassed to see that the man was ripped.  Like shredded.  His hair was slightly messed up, a lot less than Natasha.  His eyes were closed and his face was as red as a strawberry.  His pecs and abs were clenching as he was moving, beads of sweat following with his movements.  

“Nat, Nat… I’m gonna.. I’m gonna,” Steve groaned, still thrusting, moving the couch with each thrust.  His jaw was clenching and his biceps were tightening.  You then knew what was going on.

“Oh shit,” you muttered.

“Do it Steve, ahhh,” Natasha moaned.  Her moans grew louder and louder, along with Steve's grunts and groans.  Then, when you thought it was all over, it wasn’t.

“Another round?” Natasha asked.

“Sure,” Steve smirked.  

And then, before you could see, they got into another position.  Thankfully, you hid behind the corner leading to the living room so you couldn’t see anymore.  

Right now, you had no clue how to react.  You didn’t know if you should be embarrassed because you just caught your two coworkers in the act, your two friends fucking the shit outta each other.  You didn’t know if you should laugh, because it was kinda funny, catching the two like this.  This was something you could tell Tony, Sam and Bucky and they would make fun of Steve till he dies.  But then, you thought to not tell anyone because this was super private, but you were here so not really.  

Your thoughts were cut off by another long moan by Natasha.  And then a long groan by Steve.

And as you were hiding behind the wall, your embarrassment floated away like a cloud.  You felt turned on for some reason.  It was a very hot and steamy moment.  You wished that you felt all the emotions that Natasha was feeling.  The pleasure that she was experiencing.  The sounds that she was making sounded dirty.  

A light bulb went off in your head.  You realized you could feel how Natasha felt, because you had superpowers.  How lucky you were.  

You closed your eyes and imagined Natasha.  You felt yourself emerging with her body.  Luckily, your powers were so strong that the person you choose doesn’t know you are using your powers.  So Natasha had no clue you could feel everything.  

After a few moments, you felt something in between your legs.  It wasn’t something normal.  It was big.  And then your face went red.  You realized it was Steve’s dick.

You never had feelings for Steve, you just saw him as a good friend.  But he was pretty big.  He might be the perfect fit for Natasha, but not exactly for you.  He was a little small, only a little bit.  But you were a virgin so you didn’t know exactly what to expect.  But after a few thrusts, way too fast for you, you got used to the speed and started to enjoy.    

You leaned against the wall and spread your legs.  Your eyes shut and you had to bite your lip to stifle a moan.  You could feel yourself clenching around something that wasn’t really there and the wetness in your panties.  Steve’s vein on the underside of his cock was twitching, and you suddenly knew what was about to happen.  All the sudden you were clenching harder than before, but it wasn’t from you.  It was from Natasha’s body.  

Louder and louder moans for the other room signaled what was going down.  You were going to have your first orgasm.  

Your legs began to shake uncontrollably and you could feel Steve’s dick which was starting to become erratic in thrusts.  They were becoming out of place and non consistent.  And you realized he was going to cum.  

“Fuck,” you moaned.

Natasha and Steve’s moaning was helping a little bit.  It was hiding the fact that you too were moaning.  Your thoughts began racing as you felt the rush.  Your world turned black and white and you could hardly see straight, not when it felt like Steve was cumming inside you.  You had never felt like this before and it was all too much to bear.  Before you could get your mind out of Natasha's body, you fell to the floor, your orgasm taking the front wheel.  

~~~

You woke up slowly as the world around you started to materialize once again.  Your vision returned and you realized you were in the medical wing, in one of the beds.  You heard the beeps of a heart monitor playing in the background.  You saw that you were only wearing a thin medical robe, with no clothes or undergarments underneath.  

“Weird,” you thought.

You also saw the line of an IV attached to your forearm, meeting up with veins and arteries.  Your body was being very slow and didn’t want to move, so you took your time and slowly sat up on the bed.

“You're finally awake,” a voice said.

You turned to your left and saw Bucky sitting on an armchair, probably watching you to make sure you were ok.

“Bucky?  How long was I out for?” you asked.

“About 12 hours.”  Bucky responded.  

“Why am I here?  Did something happen?” you asked again, stretching your arms in the arm and then cracking your knuckles.

“Well doll, that's what I was gonna ask you.  Steve and Natasha were acting weird when I showed up.  Steve looked like a tomato and Natasha barely said a word.” Bucky said.

“The last thing I remember was that I was in my room and then I heard noises from the living room so I went to check it out.  And then I rounded the corner and-” you started, but then you remembered what you saw.  You couldn’t tell Bucky, that would end up bad.  You were also still horny from watching Steve and Natasha, so you had an idea.

As soon as you finished talking, you grabbed your head in pain, which caused Bucky to panic.

“Oh my god!  Are you ok?” Bucky shouted, completely worried.

Your hands were covering your eyes, but not the devilish smirk on your face.  Bucky was leaning close to you to make sure you were fine, but you leaned in even closer and placed your finger on his lips and shushed him.  Bucky’s cheeks flushed red, utterly confused at your sudden action.

“No need to panic.  I’m fine,” you reassured him.  Your voice was lowered and filled with lust and need, but Bucky wasn’t catching on yet.  You had to work a few more tricks to get to him.

“R-right,” he stuttered as you got up from the bed.  “I still think you need to rest, doll.  I’ll get you anything if you need it.”  

“That’s sweet of you,” you smiled, putting your hands behind your back to take off the medical dress.  “But I should get my body moving.”

In less than a few seconds, the thin dress had fallen to the floor.  You were completely naked in front of Bucky.  You were smirking and spinning in front of him, and he had no clue how to react.  He hadn’t been intimate with a girl since the forties, so he was out of his ballgame right now.  His face was flushed red and his eyes bulged open.

“Holy shit!  You are naked!!  Are you sure you're ok?” Bucky shrieked, putting his hands over his eyes.

“I'm just making sure there’s nothing else hooked up to my body.” you said, grinning and moving your hands up and down.  “It would be nice if I could get a second pair of eyes to check me out.  Don’t be shy.  Is there anything else I missed?”

You kept jutting your hips out and twirling your hair, and Bucky slowly put his hands down.  His cheeks were still red, but his eyes were a tiny bit darker than they were before, letting you know you were getting to him, and making you a bit more confident.

“No…” he said slowly.  “Nothing at all.”  He said the last part with a deeper tone, graveling at the last word, making you hotter all over.

“I’m all set then.  Thanks for the help.  I should be-” you said, trying to brush past him, but you fell right into his buff torso.

“Ok, doll.  That’s it.  You are still a bit messed up and not fine.  You are not leaving this goddamn room.”  Bucky said, still confused.

“I do feel a bit weak below the hips,” you sighed against his chest.  “But I think I should still try to move around.  I’ll stay if you help me out.”

“Of course, doll.” Bucky said.  “Anything you need.”

“Great,” you said, biting your lip.  “Then I need you to help me with an ache that I need a hand with.”  

You took his metal hand and traced it down your body until it got to your clit.  You slowly moved his hand back and forth, moving your wetness around his fingers.  Shock was written all over the Winter Soldier’s face.

“I’ll stay if you massage it for me,” you said, wetting your lips.

“What the hell?” Bucky said as he realised what you were doing with his hand.

“I mean, it’s up to you Buck,” you said as you took the glove off his right hand and placed it on your breast.  “Personally, I have wanted you like this for a very, very, long time.” you stressed the word “very.”

“To feel your metal arm ravage my pussy.  Only from fingering it.” you continued.

You moved closer to his lips until you could feel his minty breath fanning against your face.

“I’m done with hiding my desires.  I want you, really bad.  If you want me, then take me away.” you confessed, moaning at certain parts to make you point crystal clear.

Before you realized it happened, Bucky closed the gap in between the two of you and kissed you.  He stressed how much he needed you as well because as he kissed you, he started squeezing your tit and rubbing his cold metal fingers against your clit.  It all felt heavenly to you, but there was more you wanted him to do to you.

You kept making out for a few minutes and you moved your hand to his dick, feeling the growing hard forming in between his muscular thighs.  You didn't want the make out sesh to end, but you were both running out of air.  When you parted, you could sense the change in the room.  The air felt heavy and hot.  And Bucky looked different too.  His eyes darkened and he looked turned on and like he wanted to turn you into his babygirl.

“Seems like we are on the same page now, Buck,” you said, breaking the silence.  

“But, you are way too overdressed.  You better change that.” you continued, pulling on the collar of his leather jacket.

“Otherwise,” you sighed, leaning over the bed.  “Our bodies aren’t going to be properly introduced.” Bucky looked down and saw your ass angled up in the perfect way, so that he could also see your pussy.  He parted his pink lips and smirked.  He practically ripped his clothes on the floor and he looked so sexy, words can’t even describe it.

“Ooo,” Bucky moaned.  “I hate this suit on me.  It’s so tight on me when I just wanna destroy your body.”

Bucky took a deep breath before he continued, taking in your appearance from behind.

“So ready for a nice, deep, rough pounding?  I hope you can take it,” Bucky smirked, waiting for you to turn around, waiting for your reaction to his incredible, out of this world size.

You turned your head to the side, and your jaw dropped.  He was big, probably bigger than Steve, and that was saying something.  He was as hard as a rock, and the vein on the underside of his cock was so visible.

Bucky started walking over to you, ready to put his dick inside you, but you needed some preparation first.  

“Uh Bucky, I might have dropped the gun a little too fast,” you giggled, slightly embarrassed.  “I’m going to need more time with Bucky before I meet the soldier, if you get what I mean.”  

Bucky let out a dark chuckle before he started talking, a dark chuckle that sent shivers down your spine.  

“Oh, I understand, doll.  You want some preparation down there.” Bucky grinned.

He leaned down lower and lower until he reached your core, which was throbbing with need and desire.  He licked his lips and rubbed his metal fingers around your growing ache.  And then, he delivered one, long lick along your core.  He was licking and sucking and making you feel things you never felt before.  And the way his light scruff was rubbing against your inner thighs was making everything 10 times better.

“Holy shit Buck,” you moaned.  “Just like that.  Just like that.  Don’t stop, don’t stop.”

You felt him grin against your ache and he did what you asked, satisfying your needs and desires in the best way possible.  Your moans filled the room, telling him “Right there,” “You feel so good” and tons of other things that made Bucky get harder by the minute.  After a few moments, you felt the familiar feeling of your legs shaking and the wetness seeping out of your core.  Your orgasm was approaching, and fast.  Your moans got louder and echoed around the room.

“Fuck Bucky!” you screamed.  “Make me cum harder!”

He did so for a little bit longer before his lips felt your pussy. 

“No Buck, don’t stop,” you moaned softly.

“Oh doll,” Bucky groaned, wiping his mouth with his right arm.  “I’m not done with you yet.  I was just getting a taste.  Besides, eating you was only the appetiser, it wasn’t deep enough.  There are other ways to get deeper and hear you scream.”

“Oh right,” you giggled, not changing your position.  You heard Bucky stand up and you felt his tip brushing up against your entrance.

“Just be gentle,” you warned him.

“Now you want me to play nice?” Bucky teased.  “Don’t worry I wont hurt you.  Yet.”

He pushed his tip against you, and you could feel it starting to stretch your entrance.  And then, he slowly and carefully eased his way inside you.  He was only halfway in before you started to feel it. 

“Wow doll, you squeeze me so tight,” Bucky sighed, grabbing your hips and slowly thrusting into you, not seeing the look on your face.  Your eyes were rolling into the back of your head and your tongue was out of your mouth.  

“It’s like you were made for me,” he said, right as he brushed up on your g-spot.

Your face was straining with pain, and uncomfortable pain.  You didn’t want to tell him to stop because you had wanted this for a long time.  And you knew you would get used to it, you would just have to wait.

“It just sucks me right back in,” Bucky groaned, looking down at where you were connected.  Your pussy was just sucking him back in like a vacuum cleaner.  Your fists were clenched and hitting the bed, and Bucky started to take note.

“Doll, are you ok?  I can’t go any slower without stopping,” Bucky said, getting worried.

“Hrmmm,” you said, not trying to make a big deal.

But in one swift motion, Bucky took himself out of you, and you let out a sigh of relief.  Then, he picked you up and weirdly gave you a hug.

“It’s ok doll,” Bucky said, wrapping his arms around you.  “I have wanted this for a long time too.

“But if that position doesn’t work for you, we can try a few others,” Bucky added, his voice deepened.

He pushed you back onto the bed, and aligned himself back up with you.  He took your legs and made them wrap around his waist and finally pushed himself into you, a lot harder than before.  He thought that maybe starting out slow wouldn’t be the right way to start, so if he started out rough and fast, you would get adjusted quicker.

And he was completely right.  As he was pounding into you, he leaned to your face and kissed you, and you were moaning into his mouth.  He kept going, skin slapping against skin.  It was a sight too sinful to even exist.

He didn’t stop his speed for quite a while, maybe 15 minutes.  And then you could feel his movements become irregular, his thrusts not in perfect rhythm.  He was pushing his lips against yours harder and harder.  His cock was twitching inside you and you could feel the vein on the underside twitching as well.  He was gonna cum.  You started moaning louder and louder, feeling your own buildup.  And then you felt it.  His white rope spilled inside of you, and it felt amazing.

You both took deep breaths before Bucky took himself out of you once again and settled on the other side of the bed.

“That… was… amazing.” Bucky sighed, taking deep breaths in between.

“I hope that’s not all you got, Sarge,” you said.  “Because you look like you have more in you.”

“Of course I’m not done doll.  I am the Winter Soldier after all.”  Bucky said as you were settling into his lap.  “I don’t stop until I finish my mission.  I just thought you were done from the way your nails were digging into me.”

“Don’t you dare take your dick out of me until I beg you to stop,” you said, preparing for the endless rounds approaching.

It took awhile for your body to surrender to the Winter Soldier.  Bucky didn’t let up on his speed.  He was pounding into you the whole time.  You rode on his lap.  He stood up and pushed you against the window and pounded into you, doggy style.  You could tell that was his favorite because he was riding into you like that for most of the time until you both ended up back on the bed again.

You were lying, back on the bed, while Bucky was pounding into you again.

“Arrghh,” Bucky groaned, having another orgasm. 

“Wanna go for another round?” he asked once you, staring into your soul.  But your body was worn out and you were in a daze, one that would take you a while to break out of.   Bucky chuckled and took himself out of you.

“Well doll, I had fun,” Bucky said, cleaning himself up and putting his clothes on.  “Whenever you are up for more, just knock on my door.  You know where to find me.  I’ll be more than happy if you do so.  I got to go or else the team is going to get worried about what happened to me, so if you need help cleaning up, speak up now or forever hold your peace.”

There was silence for a few more seconds and Bucky finished getting ready to leave.

“Love ya doll,” Bucky said, placing a kiss on your forehead and leaving the door.

[pendragonness]

If anyone wants a novel-length recap on my (limited) adventures at the Sundance Film Festival... (I’ll throw in some photos to keep it interesting)

I am. so exhausted. I was exhausted after the first three days, and it never really calmed down. Between working all day, and a couple late night/early morning shifts, then having to commute back to the town with my hotel, and back in the morning, I never got more than 4 hrs of sleep a night and sometimes less. And the only actual meal I usually ate was a rushed breakfast from the hotel, then my food was just snacking on granola bars or half a bagel, and that was the day. I’m fucking beat.

But I did see 14 films, so, there’s that! The first night of the festival I went to I Don’t Feel At Home in This World Anymore, because a) there were only a few films showing and it sounded the most decent, and b) it stars Elijah Wood so I thought he might be there. He was. I saw Elijah Wood in person. It was unexpected and alarming and delightful. I also got to ask the director a question during the Q&A and made kind of a mess of the question bc Elijah Wood was being forced to hear me speak and that freaked me out, but

lmao little did I know what the next night was gonna be

So like a month ago when I made the post about having learned that Max Riemelt had a film showing at Sundance and was like, ‘does that mean he’ll be there, pls, etc etc..’ I was totally bullshitting myself. He wasn’t actually supposed to be there, guys. I wasn’t prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared to accidentally sit in the row in front of him, four seats to the side. I wasn’t. prepared.

I was talking to my friend and looked across the room and stopped midsentence bc

And I stared, a lot. So much. The ‘friend’ I’d made definitely wasn’t understanding my lack of focus on her and didn’t really care that I was having a crisis about Max Riemelt being approx. 8 feet away from me for the night. He was on his own, seated next to the director and producer, and just idly looked around and flexed his jaw constantly??? A couple times someone in the crew would talk to him and he’d be all laughs and smiles and omf. There was a moment where I was definitely gawking again - so overwhelming, guys - and he turned around and caught my gaze immediately and kind of gave that look like when you think someone’s said something but you didn’t quite hear it? which made me jump basically and look away bc I’d been caught, but we definitely made glancing-eye-contact a few more awful times and I was just so not chill. During the film (Berlin Syndrome; fantastic, btw) I was still not chill and kept casually glancing to my slight right, going from watching Max Riemelt on screen to watching Max Riemelt watch Max Riemelt on screen. aheruhgf. It was delightful. 

And then, right as the climax was building in the last 5 minutes of the film - it froze. Just stopped. The audience gasped, I looked over and Max had his hands over his eyes lmao. But it stayed frozen, the house lights came up...and then it played - having skipped ahead to the middle of the final climax. Then froze again, and I saw Max mouth “what the fuck” then just stare up at the lights akjehrujf. And then he and the director walked off, presumably to talk to tech people, and the film skipped to show us the end. So they cut it off, and we had the Q&A, which was very sympathetic (Max commented about being so upset he was shaking at the fuck up) but also fun, Teresa Palmer was really cheery and talkative and Max was pretty funny and damn cute (he was re-enacting the musical score at one point, that was something, omg) and there were good questions and discussion - altho the freaking director pointed at me for my question and then the producer said things were working again, and we were going to finish the film so I never got to have my moment but ok. 

(literally every venue intentionally creates the WORST FUCKING LIGHTING FOR PHOTOS)

And then at the end of the film, because apparently Teresa and Max aren’t important enough to need the security barrier like everyone else I saw, they were all just chilling in their seats as the audience walked out, so I got to walk past Max and had about half a second to realize I could talk to him if I wanted (it’s kind of acknowledged as common courtesy to leave the talent alone at screenings, or just give them a little space, so I had kept quiet in my 5 min of freaking out before the film started. altho now of course I wish I’d just had the balls to say something simple. I wanted to bring up Freier Fall so freakin badly but like. how would that have worked lmao.), but was that okay?? what to say? all I could think about was trying NOT to gush some ‘I LOVE YOU SO MUCH’ shit, so naturally that’s all I could think to say ajeryiuehf and then panicked because I had zero time, so I just garbled out some sort of “thank you so much, that was a beautiful film, thanks” and the director nodded and smiled but Max just stared and nodded and said “thank you” and I stumbled away before I could go super red in the face or god knows what because I was stressed and so fucking overwhelmed. Honestly seeing Max in real-life-person overwhelmed me more than anyone else I saw, and I saw a fair few people, somehow. I think I’ve decided it’s something to do with him being a foreign actor? Like, he’s supposed to always be in Europe, not somewhere where I could encounter him. Not my first fucking year at Sundance. And then the fact he actually made eye contact with me a few times and vaguely spoke at me......lmao what the fu c k

And then the next night I went to the premiere screening of the #1 film I had wanted to see at Sundance, Wind River. That screening went like it was supposed to, and I got to ask Taylor Sheridan about setting the film in Wyoming and such and the answers were wonderful and there was fantastic discussion and it was a fucking wonderful film and I tried so hard to see it more than once but my fucking work schedule made that impossible, whatever, I’ll wait 9 months or however long it takes. 

One of the stand-outs of that night though (other than Gil Birmingham being there, which also super delighted me) was when Jeremy Renner was asked to explain how he approached and portrayed the emotions his character has to do deal with, and in answering the (fairly average) question, he choked up and had to step away from the mic for a second to pull himself together. Everything he said in his answers to questions was just really emotional, interesting stuff, and that response was especially overwhelming. The film knocked the breath out of me, but the Q&A made sure I didn’t catch it back. That was amazing.

So I knew the rest of the festival had to just be downhill, and technically it was, but I still enjoyed everything. The next best film was probably Call Me By Your Name, which I had planned on seeing a couple weeks ago, largely because I can be superficial and dumb and queer Armie Hammer in Italy sounded majorly appealing. I was torn between two different screenings, because I couldn’t go to the premiere since that was one of my two night shifts - and then a really awful snow storm was coming in, so my boss told anyone who had to drive a distance that they could leave early. She tried to let me leave super early into the shift, and I felt bad that they were going to be really short staffed on such a late, busy night (we were hosting the premiere of some awful film about The Grateful Dead and the band was going to be there) and I didn’t know what I’d do with so much freaking spare time anyway, so I said I’d be okay and I’d stay. And two hours later I realized I fucking. could have actually gone to the premiere of Call Me By Your Name. I think it’s the only film (that I wasn’t working) I went to see that wasn’t the fucking premiere. And I cannot let that go. whatever.

also shout out to Casey Affleck for not being at Sundance and therefore I missed seeing what would definitely have been a better film (A Ghost Story was definitely Not Good) and was deprived of seeing Keanu Reeves in person because I thought I’d get to see Casey and that was a waste!! gdi.

Those were honestly the ‘important’ parts of the fest for me. My body hurts like hell from standing mostly stationary for 7-10 hrs a day every day for the past 7 days, my health and skin are awful because my eating habits mostly didn’t exist and weren’t good when they did, I could sleep for 3 days if I was allowed to, and I don’t feel at all interested in shit here, but I still can’t believe I had that experience. I do plan to apply next year, even though after the first two days I wasn’t sure I could actually handle that, and the amount of hours I worked really did interfere with seeing some films and that irritates me, but we’ll see. 

I also came to the realization that hearing other ‘filmmakers’ my age-ish talk about films and the industry and their beliefs and goals and shit really stresses me out + annoys the hell out of me. Most of them come across as really pretentious and fucking miserable and I despise it all pretty quick. Or I feel like I’m totally lost and talentless and there’s no hope for me. But it’s the actors I get most excited about, that excite me the most (other than Taylor Sheridan - he gave me fresh life, I swear). It’s hearing how the actors work and understanding how they approach their work, and imagining what it’d be like to work with them and see my writing or vision or whatever become real through them that excites me. I found myself ditching films I wanted to see for the sake of going to premieres to see actors I really like. Which is definitely not the purest approach to filmmaking, but whatever... It was just an epiphany I had, I guess. Not sure where that’s gonna go.

The festival did also help me re-focus about filmmaking too. I’ve fallen way too into routine here, with the country club and the unending monotony of my weekly schedule. I finally feel like I CAN start to write the scripts I’ve been wanting to start for months. I’m actually excited to start job hunting. I don’t feel as nervous at the prospect of moving, if that happens. And - really great - I’m mentally reset about a lot of things lately i.e. The Work Guy. I literally don’t care at all now, am not interested or bothered by anything. I am totally refreshed and have my regular priorities back.

I’ve come away from Sundance feeling predictably ‘inspired’ and totally exhausted and wanting to always gawk at real-life-person Max Riemelt and always hear Jeremy Renner talk about life (he seems so lovely, wtf) but also mentally and emotionally reset and I hope those are all good things