#I mean my mom was as fucked up as me
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*looks at my 9 year old self* *looks at the diagnostic criteria for generalised anxiety disorder* *looks at my 9 year old self*
You're 12 for 12 buddy!!
#no but seriously#I'm slowly realising that I was really not okay#I also can't remember like half of what happened those two-three years#but I definitely had anxiety#such deep anxiety#my parents did try to get me to therapy#I was just really bad at expressing my feelings#so that just never happened#I mean my mom was as fucked up as me#she's the one I probably inherited the anxiety from. fun I know#well she was going through it and I did too but I was young and it didn't get so bad that my grades slipped so I was fine#anyway#that's enough public ranting about possible childhood trauma for a day
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yea
#i had posted this everywhere and it occurred to me that i hadnt on tumblr. which seems like a crime#keith kogane#vld keith#vld lance#vld fanart#lance mcclain#voltron#klance#can i rant for a bit#grabs the microphone Id like to thank this huge step on my voltron healing journey to my mom#who said 'oh its that show that made you cry in frustration! the kitties!'#and i said 'yes mother i was 15'#i dont think ive ever felt so. like. bullied? i dont wanna say ridiculed but#by a shows' producer#not since fucking BBC SHERLOCK#and i dont mean oh of course it wasnt gonna be canon. Of cours it wasnt I dont mean that#what i didnt need was getting baited left and right#the show milked the shit out of. lets be real here. young queer kids and then turned around and pointed and laughed when they gained hope on#their silly red blue ship to get canon#bc lets be real if anything queer was gonna happen. ambiguous non binary pidge was already there#two skinny attractive teen boys is like low hanging fruit. diet rep#but it wasnt even abt that. at least i truly never thought klance was srly gonna b canon. i HOPED. but like. i never shipped 4 canon anyway#i LIKED voltron. i loved lotor. i had always been a multishipper allur//ce was rkly cute i couldve dug that#if they hadnt spent the last season looking miserable AND THEN DYING#tf u mean our female lead died TF U MEAN THE LATINO MC BECAME A FARMER? w the forever marks of his dead gf on his face? Are you joking rn???#anyway. hit me up for more voltron opinions i got tons#(mic drop)
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the loneliness and sadness that creeps into you in a way that only growing up queer can cause. your parents can accept you and still make you feel like an outsider. your parents can love you and still reject parts of you. that old-fashioned kind of love where they think trying to mold you, make you tough, is better for you. or that quiet status quo where you just don't talk. and where everyone is accepted, though some are more than others. generations and generations it's just been easier to let it slide. to let it be. not cause a fuss. but then we sit there with a knot in our chests all our lives wondering how it got there
#this is about#all of us strangers#ofc your experience of a piece of media is molded by your own perspective#and i have been thinking a lot about growing up queer and how it still fucking sucked#for me. ten. twenty years ago. fuck it even five years ago#it still sometimes sucks#because i was raised without any queer representation around me#i was trained to be straight and to desire straightness#and anything remotely queer was mocked and bullied and judged#i saw it done by others and done to others so much that it's hardly surprising i did everything i could to Not be that#and the fact that i had to grow up that way#and that i still wouldn't feel at ease bringing a partner to a family event#makes my heart ache so much#i am often on my own and going home doesn't bring me comfort#it's like harry describes#it's just how it went#my parents didn't mean to make it like that#my mom even thinks it's sad#but she doesn't understand how it came to be#and i don't know if i can turn it around#adam's imaginings of how his parents envelop him with love and acceptance in the end#was a dream#but a painful one#a dream where your parents suddenly say all the right things#and for him they only did so bc they're dead and he could imagine whatever he wanted#/and still/ he imagined his mom rejecting his sexuality at first#literally so disgusted she can't drink her tea#oooooofofffffff.......#i need to think some more#my posts
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#remembering that one time i was 12#and my mom signed me up for a competition hosted by fucking harvard without telling me#about shopee's business plans#and what they could do to profit or sth#and i balled by eyes out crying bc i couldn't understand anything (neither could my teacher at school)#and mom wouldn't help me#so i cried some more#and she yelled at me bc she already put in money#ig now history is repeating itself#cuz my mom is telling me how she wasted her money on me for ielts#because i couldn't understand a single thing in the reading section (pt 3)#because the topic was fucking finance (AGAIN) and i could comprehend what it was saying#i just didn't understand what it meant#same thing went for a stephen hawking book once#discussed theories i haven't even touched about in schools#i dont think 13 year olds are supposed to be forced to consume medias about finance and politics and academics all the time#i mean im 13#im taking ielts soon#thats 3 years earlier than the minimum#which is 16#likehonestly#i dont wanna do this#anymore
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i think something some people here don't fully understand is that me being into called certain things or calling others certain things doesn't mean i want them to do so, yno? idk if this makes sense to others but it makes sense To Me
#example: yes im into fauxcest yes i mostly want to be a little brother#it doesn't mean i want You to call me lil bro or call yourself my big sibling#i don't want you tumblr random calling me kiddo#idk!!!!!! esp w the more family titles its like#the same way i don't call just anyone a friend#i don't call just anyone my sister or my dad or my mom or my brother or whatever#i feel like for ME in MY case#you have to earn it#so it makes me downright uncomfortable when someone opens up their dms to me like hi little bro can i fuck you silly#like im not your brother fuck off#sorry rant over#jojo barks
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Happy Mothers (or in this case Creators) day to all!!!
All these families have more than one thing to be thankful of their creators, so remember to wish your creators as well!
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#sparkling siblings au#transformers animated#tfa#happy moms day y’all#to celebrate are showcase drawings for all the creators of our lovely sparklings in the au#the prime siblings (with a little help from dad) whipped up a beautiful morning platter for their dear creator#playing with the sparklings all day can be tiring#luckily there’s creator to tuck you in after an exhausting day#creator can teach you all about new life#and how beautiful the world can be#but that doesn’t mean they won’t find a new adventure#with a little help from a cheeky little sparkling#yup the creators are all feeling very appreciated by their family#and could not feel any luckier#I am not tagging everyone here fuck u#and fuck me for wasting 4 days of my life on these drawings
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SIDESWIPE 💥💥 DONT U TALK BACK TO UR reluctant MOTHER 😡?!??? EVEN THO HE STARTED IT BY BEING RUDE AS FUCK FOR NO REASON!! YOU HURT HIS HEART!!!
HES SO FUCKING SAD ????
#hot shot: on primus u suck aft LOL do u have something wrong with you? u should rust yourse#sideswipe: shut up >:[ !!#hot shot: :O ??!?!?!?#hot shot : ...🥺#sideswipe: ... im so sorry mom-#hot shot : ........ mean to me.. 😔#mean to his (asshole) mother 💔#in all fairness blurr was a deadbeat dad to sideswipe and hot shot i guess was ovulating that day & couldnt turn off his maternal instincts#so optimus said hey u and blurr gay kiss. that deadbeat dad's baby is now ur new mpreg baby#decepticon wheeljack deadbeat dad blurr and starscream wow hot shot u sure have a weird taste in sires#he likes them fucked up in the head so when he makes them worse he feels more accomplished#love how hot shot tries so hard to be the cool young mom to sideswipe but keeps leaving out the very important variable of his short fuse#hot shot : haha watever lol 😋! im so cool! ull love working with hot shot!#sideswipe : .... who the hell is hot shit#hot shot:#hot shot: GRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGRRRRRRRRGRGGRRGGRRRRRRRR 😡😡😡💥😾😾😾‼️‼️#he went from cool to impudent in like 1 second i love u i love u hot shot my ugly hamster#i need hot shot bumblebee cliff friendship NOW !!!! STOP ‼️‼️ pitting girlbosses against each other#sideswipes celebration is so cute i love his voice. hes kinda like if swindle wasnt a greedy git#sideswipe#hot shot#hotshot#transformers#transformers armada#tf armada#' whos that 😐' '.....iAM- i aM yOu iDiOt 😾😾😾💥💥☹️😣😖😾😾😾‼️‼️‼️'
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apartment hunting lead me to a job interview tomorrow, wish me luck 🙏😭
#it just happened out of the blue??? so basically the gist of it was that i was handing documents on behalf of my mom and one of the people#in the office just went 'u can work for us here'#and i went huh?!?!?!?!!? but i mean hey why not. it's a great opportunity#might hold off on uni if i do get this job (which i hope i do augh please 🙏🙏😭😭😭)#aparently one who offered me the job was a recruiter so that explains it#i feel so nervous tho i mean it wont be the end of the world if i dont get it but i just hope i dont mess it up#i alr met the person whos gonna interview me he seems like a great dude too im just super fucking anxious aughhvghnhgv#that's it for the small update i swear more art soon a lot has been happening lately so yk its kinda hard to find time to finish things#frambling...?
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Noticing that TV and film will often have a character either have had an abortion in the past that isn't showcased on screen (and just used as part of the character's ~fucked up and twisted backstory~) OR contemplate getting an abortion in the present day but not to through with it. Just once I want to see someone delete that fetus within the events of the plot and not be like. Extremely majorly punished for it and/or be in the wrong
#ramblings of a lunatic#was watching a tv show w the fam recently and it's the 2nd series of a show that was clearly written with only 1 in mind#so in the 2nd season a character gets pregnant (bc ofc) and contemplates getting an abortion#only to do the whole 'omg she thinks she's lost the baby and realizes she wanted to keep it all along!'#which like. fine and valid and happens to ppl irl I'm sure#but like. this season doesn't establish if she wanted kids prior or if she has a stable job (she was struggling career wise-#-last season and the timeskip this season doesn't go into it)#AND has this fucking bizarre scene w/ her boyfriend (whos mostly been irrelevant and occasionally annoying up til now)#where he says it's 'our pregnancy' that she was going to terminate and when she (rightfully) bites back-#-saying 'you mean MY pregnancy?!' he just. storms off and deflects#which would be one thing but we have to wrap up the main plot so she just apologizes to him (for other plot stuff)#and we're never given any indication that his opinion has changed and they're just happily parenting at the end of the season#which just. left a bad taste in my mouth#like I KNOW i know not every bad thing said on screen needs a big blinking arrow that points out that it's Bad and Wrong#but idk how I'm supposed to feel in a series that has painted itself as explicitly feminist up til this point#presents the outcome of a woman dating and bearing a child for a man w seemingly zero respect for her bodily autonomy as happily ever after#w no follow up#like the whole series is centered on a group of sisters and this pregnancy story happened to the youngest one#who's always seen as needing to 'grow up' in season 1. so assuming this is meant to be building off that arc it's so WEIRD still#bc yes being a parent is an opportunity for many ppl to mature emotionally but that's not really something the character-#-reflects on all season. it's more abt her burying her past relationship w a season 1 guy (who was infinitely more interesting than new guy)#-than anything to do with that#AND EVEN IF IT WAS the notion of pregnancy as a punishment/reckoning meant to make her grow up or take responsibility-#-which is secretly a blessing in disguise i. god the show fell apart so hard here for me#and my mom and sister were just cooing over the baby at the end and i didn't speak up bc i didn't want to be a bitch#and in all fairness I'm probably being a tad uncharitable in this post but like. don't piss me OFF man#anyway. normalise abortion storylines that aren't backstory fodder and aren't fakeouts for baby plots. please
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i swear my stepdad is so illogical AND stubborn it hurts
#okay so strap in coz this is a wild ride#tl;dr we have been without heat and warm water for years and i mean literal years#because he refuses to pay off some debt he built up with the company#because he feels unfairly treated (let's not get into this. it absolutely makes no sense) by the company#so instead of doing the logical step of growing some balls and admitting he made a mistake and paying off his shit#he's been looking for a new supplier all over but the deal IS#that he's been doing this with a couple of places before and people are hesitant to even make him any offers#and you'd think that learning about THAT at least now he'd be like. idk willing to just pay off his debt and be done with it#but you'd be WRONG#now he's looking to just have our entire heating system replaced for the teeny tiny price of 25000 bucks#mind you his debt isn't even a THIRD of that#and obviously he can't afford those 25000 bucks#so what's his next step now you might wonder?#well good thing you asked. his next step is going off on ME for not paying towards the new heating he wants#and now that that's not working for him guess what he did next?#that's right. he bought shit expensive 'space heaters' that are pretty much just small little boxes that you plug into an outlet#and he swears up and down that they're going to heat up our house (it's negative degrees outside)#(it's obviously not working)#and genuinely. all i can think of is how much money he shoved into trying to macgyver this house into a house with warm water and heating#and how he blew off ten thousands of bucks he got paid when he retired within the span of two weeks#when this debt could have been paid off ten times over by now#so now you might be thinking. okay tiago. why don't you move out#good question you see. my mom is disabled and reliant on someone who cares for her#something that he can't won't and shouldn't do because the last time he sorta kinda tried she almost died and we had to call an ambulance#she wouldn't eat a thing if i weren't there to cook. the house would fall into disrepair if i wouldn't do maintenance all around#i've set up (functioning) heat in some areas she occupies and i've gotten a boiler going so she at least has warm water#i'm paying off their bills to make sure he doesn't skip on paying any others. i'm buying groceries for them because again they wouldn't get#any for themselves#and finally. i've offered to pay off his debt so that we can finally live like normal fucking people do#and guess what. guess WHAT. he just got mad at me for not adding money to that 25000 bucks pool for that new fancy heating he wants
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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i'm sorry but this is sending me into the goddamn stratosphere, if you send people to physically attack my mom, torture my sister, cut my six year old son's head off, threaten to murder my toddler, and then also threaten to rape my six year old daughter, i would be very happy and jovial in declaring war on your psycho ass for pulling that shit on people who literally didn't do a thing to you.
consequently, if i sent people to physically attack someone who never did me any harm, torture my sister who never did me any harm, cut my six year old nephew who never did me any harm's head off, threaten to murder my toddler nephew who never did me any harm, and also threaten to rape my six year old niece who never did me any harm, i would be very full of regret and sorrow for what i've done, because those are bad things that i did.
#personal#house of the dragon#hotd#like yeah no SHIT aegon's super gung-ho to carpet bomb rhaenyra and her side#you murder my kid and beat up my mom and make my sister go crazy and literally threaten to RAPE MY SIX YEAR OLD#i'll go apeshit i'll have the time of my life talking about how you're gonna suffer i'll be happy as a clam about it#like rhaenyra should absolutely feel bad and fear what she started! what she started was monstrous!#and by not thoroughly denouncing daemon and removing him from her side for it she's clearly endorsing it!#and people have the right to be happy about causing her bodily harm as a result for either tacitly or outright endorsing things like this#you know things like child murder and threats of violent rape against little girls#(and i mean even just the bad precedent to set of 'you did something that hurt me so i have the right to take it out')#('not on you or anyone who supported you but civilians who weren't even remotely involved in the situation at all')#like come on rhaenyra's side is in the wrong for blood and cheese and it's so fine for aegon (as the person most deeply affected by it)#to be happy about any retribution he could bring on her#just as it is both fine and actually really good for rhaenyra as a character to feel bad about it#as the wrongful party#be fucking for real
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update: still in burnout/seasonal affective hell (and now i'm snowed in ✌️) BUT I have found out that I can watch various episodes of River Monsters, Mythbusters, and Kitchen Nightmares for free, completely legally (not sarcasm). so that's nice
#i'm trying to think of what other shows I loved growing up.#my mom let me watch house and scrubs with her sometimes. and i liked a lot of hgtv shows but they were all paywalled when I checked :(#i remember watching a lot of how it's made too.#omg and I had billy the exterminator MEMORIZED. he relocated so many venomous snakes and he's why I love them so much today.#not sure why my at-the-time devout catholic mother was letting me at 7 watch some punk pick up rattlesnakes but i love her for it.#tbh he's one of those people i have vowed to learn nothing about to preserve my childhood respect and reverence towards him.#it was GENUINELY a huge formative influence for me and I credit my love of reptiles to that show and random documentaries.#jgndkfjgndfkjg oh god also re: other shows- this one's maybe a little niche but my grandpa always had Hee-Haw reruns on when i visited.#does ANYONE here know what I'm talking about???? that variety show with the donkey in the intro?#i mean. I have *no* interest in rewatching that one ngl lmao.#there is no doubt in my mind that a country show from the 60s to the 90s aged weirdly. it's not on my to-watch list.#it was just familiar background noise to me as a kid but my grandpa lovedddd that show so much.#tbh i'm not sure what my granny watched when i was a kid but NOW she just watches golden girls and friends and rhett and link 😭#she loves good mythical morning. ''they're good southern boys'' she says. it's so fucking funny to me.#she loves these youtubers so much jkgndfkjgnfd#I should get her some gmm merch.
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frustrated. Sometimes it seems like my mom is sooo scared of the idea that I could be a tboy. I'm not even saying I am I do like my labels but I'll literally make a joke about her saying son of a bitch like 'oh don't call yourself a bitch' and she's like well you're not a boy. You're not my son. Man. I think about sometimes I wonder if I would have wanted to be hehim in some ways sometimes and I wonder if the reason I don't even bother to consider it is her
#tide of consciousness#Regardless I'm Not boy I like genderfluid and genderweird and there's a Lot#But maybe in there one of them is boy. But I don't know if I'll ever know for sure if I would or not#Hard to tell if being perceived as masculine being euphoric is a Thing or just me wanting to shunt any girlness#Maaan#The fact I think about it so much and the fact it bothers me so much probably means something but whatever#My mom who is generally very accepting but like with all parents it is Complicated#She's very very anti-man. For understandable* reasons. I just think Maybe it fucked me up a little bit#*Understandable as in a lot of shit has happened to her not that I necessarily agree
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Blehhh
#so like#physical therapy and medical stuff has been cutting into my sleep for three weeks now#and yesterday we were up to like noon thirty cuz we had to talk to a lawyer#and a few days ago we asked her what the turkey day plans are#and she said dinner at 1pm. fucking one in the afternoon.#we've identified 1-3pm to her as the hardest times for us make cuz it's basically the middle of when we are sleeping#normally we try for ~9:30 am to be in bed or getting in#and up around 5 or 6#and it's just#i know she's not doing it to single me out she's just an insane woman when it comes to her schedule#but it would have been nice if she ever made any effort to try make sure we could be included -_-#cuz this was an issue last few thanksgivings too#so she KNOWS about it#she can't not know about it#and idk#one of my sister's always got judgy about it cuz ~she works 60+ hours a week~#and i didn't show up on time to help cook cuz i needed a nap after work#and i KNOW she's gonna be a bitch about is not being at the gathering#though i don't think she'll contact me about it#and like#i would love to go honestly!#that's the kicker!#if it was at 4pm it something I'd absolutely go!#my sister's just moved so i won't get to see them often and i would like to visit with them#not to mention we could use a good free meal >.>#but like#fuck dude#we're already exhausted and we're kinda sick of having to meet my mom at a place that's unreasonable for us#so i guess it's Thanksgiving alone at my place of a bowl of chili with cheese and some potato salad#means we get stream at least
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