#I mean my mom was as fucked up as me
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*looks at my 9 year old self* *looks at the diagnostic criteria for generalised anxiety disorder* *looks at my 9 year old self*
You're 12 for 12 buddy!!
#no but seriously#I'm slowly realising that I was really not okay#I also can't remember like half of what happened those two-three years#but I definitely had anxiety#such deep anxiety#my parents did try to get me to therapy#I was just really bad at expressing my feelings#so that just never happened#I mean my mom was as fucked up as me#she's the one I probably inherited the anxiety from. fun I know#well she was going through it and I did too but I was young and it didn't get so bad that my grades slipped so I was fine#anyway#that's enough public ranting about possible childhood trauma for a day
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yea
#i had posted this everywhere and it occurred to me that i hadnt on tumblr. which seems like a crime#keith kogane#vld keith#vld lance#vld fanart#lance mcclain#voltron#klance#can i rant for a bit#grabs the microphone Id like to thank this huge step on my voltron healing journey to my mom#who said 'oh its that show that made you cry in frustration! the kitties!'#and i said 'yes mother i was 15'#i dont think ive ever felt so. like. bullied? i dont wanna say ridiculed but#by a shows' producer#not since fucking BBC SHERLOCK#and i dont mean oh of course it wasnt gonna be canon. Of cours it wasnt I dont mean that#what i didnt need was getting baited left and right#the show milked the shit out of. lets be real here. young queer kids and then turned around and pointed and laughed when they gained hope on#their silly red blue ship to get canon#bc lets be real if anything queer was gonna happen. ambiguous non binary pidge was already there#two skinny attractive teen boys is like low hanging fruit. diet rep#but it wasnt even abt that. at least i truly never thought klance was srly gonna b canon. i HOPED. but like. i never shipped 4 canon anyway#i LIKED voltron. i loved lotor. i had always been a multishipper allur//ce was rkly cute i couldve dug that#if they hadnt spent the last season looking miserable AND THEN DYING#tf u mean our female lead died TF U MEAN THE LATINO MC BECAME A FARMER? w the forever marks of his dead gf on his face? Are you joking rn???#anyway. hit me up for more voltron opinions i got tons#(mic drop)
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the loneliness and sadness that creeps into you in a way that only growing up queer can cause. your parents can accept you and still make you feel like an outsider. your parents can love you and still reject parts of you. that old-fashioned kind of love where they think trying to mold you, make you tough, is better for you. or that quiet status quo where you just don't talk. and where everyone is accepted, though some are more than others. generations and generations it's just been easier to let it slide. to let it be. not cause a fuss. but then we sit there with a knot in our chests all our lives wondering how it got there
#this is about#all of us strangers#ofc your experience of a piece of media is molded by your own perspective#and i have been thinking a lot about growing up queer and how it still fucking sucked#for me. ten. twenty years ago. fuck it even five years ago#it still sometimes sucks#because i was raised without any queer representation around me#i was trained to be straight and to desire straightness#and anything remotely queer was mocked and bullied and judged#i saw it done by others and done to others so much that it's hardly surprising i did everything i could to Not be that#and the fact that i had to grow up that way#and that i still wouldn't feel at ease bringing a partner to a family event#makes my heart ache so much#i am often on my own and going home doesn't bring me comfort#it's like harry describes#it's just how it went#my parents didn't mean to make it like that#my mom even thinks it's sad#but she doesn't understand how it came to be#and i don't know if i can turn it around#adam's imaginings of how his parents envelop him with love and acceptance in the end#was a dream#but a painful one#a dream where your parents suddenly say all the right things#and for him they only did so bc they're dead and he could imagine whatever he wanted#/and still/ he imagined his mom rejecting his sexuality at first#literally so disgusted she can't drink her tea#oooooofofffffff.......#i need to think some more#my posts
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apartment hunting lead me to a job interview tomorrow, wish me luck 🙏😭
#it just happened out of the blue??? so basically the gist of it was that i was handing documents on behalf of my mom and one of the people#in the office just went 'u can work for us here'#and i went huh?!?!?!?!!? but i mean hey why not. it's a great opportunity#might hold off on uni if i do get this job (which i hope i do augh please 🙏🙏😭😭😭)#aparently one who offered me the job was a recruiter so that explains it#i feel so nervous tho i mean it wont be the end of the world if i dont get it but i just hope i dont mess it up#i alr met the person whos gonna interview me he seems like a great dude too im just super fucking anxious aughhvghnhgv#that's it for the small update i swear more art soon a lot has been happening lately so yk its kinda hard to find time to finish things#frambling...?
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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i'm sorry but this is sending me into the goddamn stratosphere, if you send people to physically attack my mom, torture my sister, cut my six year old son's head off, threaten to murder my toddler, and then also threaten to rape my six year old daughter, i would be very happy and jovial in declaring war on your psycho ass for pulling that shit on people who literally didn't do a thing to you.
consequently, if i sent people to physically attack someone who never did me any harm, torture my sister who never did me any harm, cut my six year old nephew who never did me any harm's head off, threaten to murder my toddler nephew who never did me any harm, and also threaten to rape my six year old niece who never did me any harm, i would be very full of regret and sorrow for what i've done, because those are bad things that i did.
#personal#house of the dragon#hotd#like yeah no SHIT aegon's super gung-ho to carpet bomb rhaenyra and her side#you murder my kid and beat up my mom and make my sister go crazy and literally threaten to RAPE MY SIX YEAR OLD#i'll go apeshit i'll have the time of my life talking about how you're gonna suffer i'll be happy as a clam about it#like rhaenyra should absolutely feel bad and fear what she started! what she started was monstrous!#and by not thoroughly denouncing daemon and removing him from her side for it she's clearly endorsing it!#and people have the right to be happy about causing her bodily harm as a result for either tacitly or outright endorsing things like this#you know things like child murder and threats of violent rape against little girls#(and i mean even just the bad precedent to set of 'you did something that hurt me so i have the right to take it out')#('not on you or anyone who supported you but civilians who weren't even remotely involved in the situation at all')#like come on rhaenyra's side is in the wrong for blood and cheese and it's so fine for aegon (as the person most deeply affected by it)#to be happy about any retribution he could bring on her#just as it is both fine and actually really good for rhaenyra as a character to feel bad about it#as the wrongful party#be fucking for real
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Happy Mothers (or in this case Creators) day to all!!!
All these families have more than one thing to be thankful of their creators, so remember to wish your creators as well!
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#sparkling siblings au#transformers animated#tfa#happy moms day y’all#to celebrate are showcase drawings for all the creators of our lovely sparklings in the au#the prime siblings (with a little help from dad) whipped up a beautiful morning platter for their dear creator#playing with the sparklings all day can be tiring#luckily there’s creator to tuck you in after an exhausting day#creator can teach you all about new life#and how beautiful the world can be#but that doesn’t mean they won’t find a new adventure#with a little help from a cheeky little sparkling#yup the creators are all feeling very appreciated by their family#and could not feel any luckier#I am not tagging everyone here fuck u#and fuck me for wasting 4 days of my life on these drawings
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frustrated. Sometimes it seems like my mom is sooo scared of the idea that I could be a tboy. I'm not even saying I am I do like my labels but I'll literally make a joke about her saying son of a bitch like 'oh don't call yourself a bitch' and she's like well you're not a boy. You're not my son. Man. I think about sometimes I wonder if I would have wanted to be hehim in some ways sometimes and I wonder if the reason I don't even bother to consider it is her
#tide of consciousness#Regardless I'm Not boy I like genderfluid and genderweird and there's a Lot#But maybe in there one of them is boy. But I don't know if I'll ever know for sure if I would or not#Hard to tell if being perceived as masculine being euphoric is a Thing or just me wanting to shunt any girlness#Maaan#The fact I think about it so much and the fact it bothers me so much probably means something but whatever#My mom who is generally very accepting but like with all parents it is Complicated#She's very very anti-man. For understandable* reasons. I just think Maybe it fucked me up a little bit#*Understandable as in a lot of shit has happened to her not that I necessarily agree
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Bro I was reenacting the "Just So" clip while I was putting away the dishes and when Frank yelled at Barnaby I was gonna say "oi fuck you" y'know because I was being silly but what came out was an almost PERFECT imitation of Barnaby's voice- I couldn't even finish the "fuck you" because I broke down laughing
Btw the reason this is so funny is because I'm a 5'2" Latino AFAB with NO experience in voice acting whatsoever yet for some reason the spirit of Giant Blues Clues decided my vocal chords were the PERFECT place to set up real estate
Anyway peace and love
HAGHASBCAKJSCNAKLD I WHEEZED
#the spirit of giant blues clues were the perfect place to set up real estate#PLEASSSSEEEEEEE#how dare you people come into my inbox and be leagues funnier than me-#fuck now i really want to hear barnaby's va say 'fuck you' In His Voice... what i wouldnt give...#i think it would heal something in me! i can imagine it well enough but to Hear It...#but yeah thats so fucking funny. peace and love Indeed!#rambles from the bog#i actually had a similar experience once if you dont mind me uno reverse carding you#when i lived with my mom i made a game out of trying to scare her#so one night shes downstairs in the dark. messing with the printer by the light of the stairs#and i am not a light person by any means. but im fucking Quiet. i regularly sneak up on my cats#so i snuck up behind her-#and im afab w/ no experience in va too. my voice is a lot higher than id like it to be.#but holyyyy shit when i said 'Hello' - STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER MIND YOU!!! - my voice dropped Several octaves#im talking roadhog from overwatch level deep. deeper than mark introing three scary games#im talkin Downright Demonic The Devil Himself Possessed Me deep. deep as the marianas trench#to this day i have never startled or scared anyone that badly. she literally almost fell over. i saw true fear in her eyes#so. 🤝
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What’s your favourite Warriors book?
i’ve actually yet to read them all (it’s gonna take a while as i’m on arc 4 right now lmao), but power of three is one of my favorite arcs so far so i’d have to say sunrise is my favorite book !! i am the number one hollyleaf defender
#like yeah .. by all means she isn’t perfect#but i’d be mad if my aunt pretended to me my mom and then just. didn’t tell me#she had to find out herself and that’s fucked up !!#the warrior code was so so important to her and she found out that her existing broke it because she was a medicine cat’s kit#and that she wasn’t part of the prophecy that her two siblings were a part of as a final nail in the coffin#agh. hollyleaf you deserved so much better#ofc something else might happen with her but i haven’t read those books !! so for now i am hollyleaf’s number one fan#thanks for the ask i needed an excuse to ramble about hollyleaf !!#warriors#warrior cats#mutuals#asks
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Monty was so so strong for not just immediately walking into traffic after that
#personal#this is my umm. [redacted]th time watching dead boy detectives and That Scene never fails to absolutely make me scream#the first time i watched it i had to go take a walk bc i was so fucked up from it#monty truly is so good and sweet and unfortunately a little stupid too but he means well. more or less anyway. he would if esther wasnt his#like. sort of mom thing#and i know edwin felt bad but oh my god#the acting? amazing#anyway had i been monty i would have killed myself on the spot#i need to chew on something now#dead boy detectives
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.
#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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so im taking that oil painting class rn right. i mentioned wanting to paint something original instead of just copying a reference bc that's all the teacher has had me doing so far and he agreed I'm probably ready and went off on this whole tangent about how i shouldn't be nervous to try to do something more original and creative and how he'll show me some original stuff his friends have painted and had shown in galleries etc etc, and... I think somehow he's been assuming that the reason I've been painting realistic stuff directly from photo refs is because that's the kind of art I like to do and that I'm nervous about trying something else??? instead of what he's been telling me to do?
which is really funny to me because apart from this class I haven't 1:1 copied a reference for years, I just haven't gone out of my way to show him any art I make in my own time because this is like a professional full-time oil painter who has paintings in galleries and shit, real high-brow art stuff, and idk how to tell him that left to my own devices I draw video game fanart and dragons and furry commissions and gay sex and cringe and i dont want to draw other things
#the temptation to make an ultrakill oil painting is really strong#i think it would be really funny#everyone else in there is making their art school portfolios or smth. pan over to me painting a robot and angel making out#trust me if my mom hadn't signed herself up for this and then not had the time to go i would NOT be here#side note why do ppl assume that if i know how to paint from photos very realistically then that's what i ENJOY drawing???#and vice versa why do ppl act surprised when they see my personal art and then find out i can do realistic painting (looking at u mom)#“why dont u paint like that all the-” because its not fun!! fuck off#my mom's so convinced me or my sister are one day gonna be the kind of professional artists where ppl pay thousands for a single super#realistic painting and that we're gonna have shit in art galleries and whatnot. just a weirdly outdated view of what “artist” can mean#and its like. but i dont want to do that. iwant to draw video games and gay people and do whatever i want forever. eat my entire ass
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im a little bit tipsy so forgive me but how ironic is it that the family who is the most emotionally and/or physically distant from eachother is named close
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#something something glenn being off touring during christmas#something something nick not talking to his dad about things that bother him#something something nicky foster-close repeating the cycle by being absent in taylors life#something something taylor breaking that cycle by being close to his mom#but taylors a swift not a close#something something “close means family”#while writing this i also realized#that nick was a papas boy#and taylor is a mamas boy#like father and son BROOOOOO the close family fucks me up im sorry#yes im relistening to s1 ok thats why theyre on my mind#glenn close#dungeons and daddies s2#dungeons and daddies s1#dndads odyssey#taylor swift#nick close#henry oak#darryl wilson#ron stampler
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Good morning tumblr.
Made a followup to this comic yippee yay wahoo yay. ID in alt
#generate random art#yttd#your turn to die#sara chidouin#yttd sara#shin tsukimi#sou hiyori#yttd shin#yttd sou#ryoko hirose#yttd ryoko#grrrrrrr i hate them i hate them i hate them augghg#someone’s jealouuuuuus gehehehe#dude I gotta punt him off a cliff what is wrong with him i need this man to explode violently#yeah i think this is way more in character than him trying to help like a normal person#fuck this teenager’s crying uhhhh better use abusive mom tatics i guess#he’s so fucked up man and he hates her so much augh#and Sara tried to be a normal fucking person she tried to be his friend but godddd he’s such a shithead I mean he is so annoying#dude if a guy antagonized me like this when I was crying over my dead friends i would use his dead sister against him too I’m just sayin#kinda wish I didn’t out Ryoko there so they could just keep arguing that would’ve been fun. oh well. i like this way too#also. also. did you catch that he dropped the honorific. did you catch that. did you. did you. it was on purpose :]
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