#I mean I probably am gonna do it anyway but

[chocoqtelle]

inner child pac reading

🦀 pile one,,

I know we're used to being super helpful, but it's good to help yourself too. you should always make sure you're okay first. It's important for us to be okay, even if other people don't think so. we should think so. things are gonna be okay for us. they always are. I want to do the things we like. I don't understand why you care about what people think now. I think we should try doing what we like more, even if it's embarrassing. it doesn't have to take a lot of time. it's just good to have fun sometimes. maybe you can get back into some of our old interests if you want?

it seems like this pile had to mature quickly and was overly generous in childhood. this likely led to some people pleaser habits. when the world said "be nice" and "care about others" you took it to heart, but it felt like you were the only one who did. you felt like you had to be the adult in your childhood and care for other people around you. for some of you, you may have had to care for a parental/older familiar figure or your siblings. you're used to changing your words and your personality to be more digestible and gentle because this strong fear of conflict. you were scared of people being mean to you, so you avoided making anyone mad. it was like you were always tiptoeing over eggshells. now, you don't have to, so there's no point in worrying about people who don't worry about you. you'd be doing yourself and your inner child a favor by doing what you want. it might feel wrong to be yourself, but at least try. I won't delve too much into this part, but I believe some people in this pile also dealt with being oversexualized or being hyper sexual at a young age. I think it's important to know you're more than what you can give others for this pile. please also take a break for the love of god.

🐸 pile two,,

It's hard to feel loved if nobody shows you. at the same time, i don't think I'd want to be loved. it seems weird and uncomfortable. I'm not used to it so it's scary. I still wish that someone would care at least. it feels like nobody else cares. I'm really tired of things being silent and boring all the time. I want to do something fun. I want friends but I want to be by myself. people think I'm weird, but I think they're the weird ones. they can avoid me but I wouldn't wanna be friends with them anyway. it doesn't matter if it's lonely, I don't feel less lonely around people anyway. some people think I'm mean. I don't think I'm mean. i heard I look mean or I act mean sometimes, but what if that's just who I am? I don't try to be mean to people. I just don't want people to hurt me.

holy neglect trauma... there's a lot to unpack here 😓 first off, I hope you're alright. it seems like this pile never really learned how to interact with people and is probably still a bit of a people hater. this pile has had to keep strong boundaries and walls on to protect themselves from unfamiliar experiences (being spoken to positively.) if you've never experienced something, it can be scary but you have to stop thinking every little thing is gonna go wrong in your life. it's fine. separate note but I think someone's ancestors are very present here, might want to connect with them if you don't already. you can try to shut down the feelings of loneliness and pretend connection won't help but it does. you're probably not connected with your inner child or you're ashamed of yourself for some reason. trying to be cold won't undo anything or save you from the feelings you're hiding. you'll have to acknowledge them at some point. escapism and forcing ignorance wont help forever. hopefully it'll be sooner than later, but that's your choice. it's okay to be soft, btw.

🐕 pile three,,

I know what I'm talking about. I'm serious. I wish people would take me more seriously. i get good grades, I study hard, I always prove how smart I am. for some reason, people still act like I'm too young and stupid to have opinions or that what I say is just silly, especially with emotions. they act like having emotions makes you a less rational person. some people look down on me for who I am, too. it's not something I can change. whether it's gender, age, or whatever, people always want an excuse to ignore how I feel or what I have to say. I know I'm right though. I don't want us to stop expressing ourselves. I wanna share how I feel to the world.

this pile is extremely opinionated and knows how to share their emotions. this pile is for the "bossy" kids who "should have been lawyers" or "a CEO" according to every adult around them. you were emotional as a child and it was always ignored or joked off as if your feelings were invalid. this pile is definitely natural-born leaders so if you aren't/never have been aspiration-driven or "extra" this pile probably isn't yours. the most healing thing you can do for yourself at this point is speak up. continue to speak about everything. share your opinion more, it's safe now and people will actually take you seriously. be emotional, be too much, be annoying, be talkative, be over-opinionated, be everything you feel like being and don't let anyone talk you out of it. lead your life how you want to. call everything out, even if it means being weird. I definitely feel like some people in this pile had the gifted kid experience or liked to read a lot when they were younger. there's also some unresolved anger that might need to be taken care of. I think speaking up more instead of bottling feelings up will definitely help that, though. you're not stupid or weak for being emotional. just be yourself unapologetically and that's the best thing you can do for your younger self.

[kangshxrtie]

56 . secret service

prev . main

"why does this look like an intervention?" chaeyeon asked as you walked into the room, raising an eyebrow at the spectacle in front of her.

"i told y'all not to show up like this," you groaned, eyeing nien, kaede, and yeonji, who were all dressed like they were apart of the secret service.

the four of you had agreed to use yeonji's dorm study room for some privacy, but clearly, the rest of the group had turned this into a production.

"we wanted to set the tone for a serious conversation," nien said matter-of-factly, adjusting her sunglasses.

"looking the most unserious possible?" you shot back, gesturing to her outfit.

"i'd take us seriously," yeonji said, arms crossed like she was guarding the door.

"you're all unhinged," you muttered, throwing yourself onto one of the chairs.

"you love us for it, though," kaede said, smirking as she leaned against the table.

"sometimes," you replied, shooting her a side-eye.

"anyway," chaeyeon cut in, glancing at her phone. "nakyoung's on her way. she did ask why we're having a 'study session' in a random dorm, but don't worry—i told her it was your idea."

"bro, why me?" you groaned, flopping onto the couch as if you could somehow sink into it and disappear. "she's gonna act more delusional now."

"too late now," chaeyeon smirked, leaning against the table. "she's like two minutes away, so maybe practice looking less... scared."

"i am scared," you shot back, sitting up. "this feels like a trap."

"it's not a trap," nien said, adjusting the sunglasses she absolutely didn't need. "we're just here to make sure you don't fold."

"fold? i'm not gonna fold!" you protested, glaring at her.

kaede snorted, leaning against yeonji like they were on a stakeout. "yeah, okay, say that now, but watch her walk in and suddenly you're considering the car kiss again."

"oh my god, i keep telling yall that didn't happen!" you shouted, throwing your head back in frustration.

"we've heard the denial," yeonji said, deadpan.

"i hate it here," you muttered.

"too bad," nien said, looking at the door, "nakyoung's already here. act normal."

before you could even reply, the door creaked open, and nakyoung stepped in cautiously, her eyes scanning the room. she looked a little confused, probably because nien was wearing sunglasses inside, kaede had a clipboard for no reason, and yeonji was straight-up sitting with her arms crossed like a bodyguard.

"uh..." nakyoung blinked, clearly trying to process the scene. "what's going on here? i thought this was a study thing?"

"it is," chaeyeon said smoothly, stepping forward like a spokesperson. "but, you know, they like roleplaying sometimes."

nakyoung's gaze landed on you, her expression softening a little. "hey, y/n. i'm glad to see you here."

"uh, yeah," you said, shifting uncomfortably. "i, uh... thought it'd be a good idea to talk. you know... clear the air."

"oh," she said, a faint smile tugging at her lips. "yeah, i'd like that."

"i think we'll... step out," kaede said, standing and gesturing for the others to follow. "give you guys some privacy."

"finally," you muttered under your breath as they filed out, but not before nien gave you a warning look.

as soon as the door clicked shut, nakyoung sat down across from you, folding her hands on the table. "so... where do we start?"

you swallowed, suddenly very aware of the tension in the room. the casual humor from earlier went away the moment nakyoung sat down.

"i guess we start with... everything," you said, gesturing between the two of you. "i mean, things have been weird, right?"

"that's putting it lightly," nakyoung said with a dry laugh, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "but yeah, weird is a good word for it."

you nodded, fiddling with the hem of your sleeve. "i felt like... really betrayed when you just broke up with me and moved on so fast. i thought all your feelings for me would be gone so i didn't even think dating xinyu would affect you at all, but apparently it did."

nakyoung tilted her head slightly, her expression softening. "i do feel really bad about that, i want you to know that me dating sohyun was literally just me being stupid and if i could go back i would take it all back."

you hesitated, the words caught in your throat. you glanced at the door, half-expecting one of your friends to burst in with their unsolicited commentary, but the room remained silent. it was just you and nakyoung.

"you say that but at the end of the day you still did it," you said finally, your voice quieter. "i chased you around for a whole ass week embarrassing the fuck out of myself while you were apparently starting a whole thing with sohyun and i don't think i can ever fully forgive you for that."

nakyoung blinked, her lips parting slightly in surprise. she stayed quiet for a moment, as if processing what you'd just said. "that's... fair," she said softly. "i just ran into sohyun when we broke up and we got to talking and i fucked up. i don't even know what i was thinking."

you let out a small, humorless laugh. "well that sucks for you."

"i can't even be mad because you're right" she agreed, a small smile breaking through.

"that was mean but..." you paused, searching for the right words. "i want you to give up on me now. i'm not gonna lie if you had decided this a little earlier in my relationship with xinyu i would've taken you back so fast, but you were late."

"we can still be friends though," you said, trying to lighten the mood.

nakyoung gave you a knowing look, "you know that won't work out."

"it was worth a shot," you shrugged.

she smirked, her gaze softening. "but hey, if xinyu ever messes up... remember me."

"trust, i will," you said, trying to keep it light. "i've learned to be very messy lately."

nakyoung chuckled, shaking her head. "good to know."

there was a comfortable silence for a moment before she leaned back in her chair, eyes twinkling. "now that we've cleared talked... can i ask something?"

"sure," you said, already bracing yourself for whatever was coming next.

"why the fuck are they dressed like that? are they practicing for something?" nakyoung's eyes flickered toward the door.

you groaned, burying your face in your hands. "they're just... extra like that."

nakyoung burst into laughter, her warm, genuine laugh filling the room. for the first time in a while, it felt like things were starting to get back to normal between you again. you would miss her, but at least you had xinyu now.

main . nxt

taglist ༒ @gtfoiydlyj @inybits @baewonlove @yeetaberry127 @sananapotter @happyjuhyun @nicstumblur @museujin @urmom2314 @yunalvrrr @jeindall777 @saysirhc @idleyuri @yerimbrit @sixflame438 @artrizzler19 @peranoo @motoprincessella

[thedevilworksharder]

Devan can't help but chuckle between kisses, choosing to practice some kindness and not mention the emotions his opinion of JP seems to call forth. "I'm pretty cute, yeah, I understand your struggle," he hums, nipping at his bottom lip. He pulls his head back and reaches up to grab his jaw, looking JP's face over. "I'll be honest, my love, I amn't the relationship type a fella. Hm?"

There's a long pause as his own confession, or the implications it brings with it, momentarily leaves him trying to find his balance. Devan hadn't intended to bring up the past. They're not someone who apologises for things, they're not someone to regret. And he won't, and he doesn't. But there is a conversation, an explanation, that has thus far remained unspoken that they realise JP has a right to be privy to.

And so they sigh. "C'mere to me, yeah?" he starts, sitting up with his legs crossed under him, fully facing the man. "I left before." Simply stating facts, he did do that. "But it wasn't to do with you." Well... "Technically it wasn't. It was to do with you, but it ain't in the way you're thinkin', see." There's a tension in the manner Devan is speaking, like it's hard to get the words out, even though his body language is relaxed; there's a frown on his face like he's thinking hard, examining each word he says step by step before slotting it into a sentence. "I realised that if I stayed, we'd have become somethin'. An' I probably wouldn't have ever left." They shrug. "Or at least not in any timely manner anyway. An' I wasn't ready for it. Lord, I ain't ready for that shite now an' I might just never be. Right?"

Devan tries to recall any serious relationship he'd been in in his life and comes up blank. Before anything serious could even threaten him, he'd leave. The only commitment he'd ever had was to his job, and even that required a certain non-committal to places, people, and situations. They'd been all over the world, explored cultures with people from these places, dove into histories, shared so many moments with so many people... and none of them ever stuck. Not for lack of potential or chemistry, but simply because he'd rip the seed from the soil before anything could actually bloom.

And it was always fine that way. But he'd been too late ripping out the seed with JP. And they figured, if they just didn't water it, it would die on its own. But then it didn't, did it?

"I didn't come here for you, lad," they shrug again, no dismissal in their voice, no intention to hurt him, no sharpness or condescension, just... honesty and sincerity. They hadn't come here for JP, they hadn't even expected JP to be here. "But ya are here now, an' so am I. Na, that's not--" It's the first time in their whole relationship, past and present, that Devan has ever taken words back. His words have always had precision to them, they are chosen carefully, Devan knows what he's saying and he's always meant what he says.

It's a realisation that strikes him too, in the moment that it happens, and instead of frustration or embarrassment or shame, he simply chuckles. "You fuck me up, John-Paul." Their hand wraps around his throat and they lean closer to give him another kiss. "I got some priorities straight these past few months, in that people can make or break ya. Never thought they were more important than the thrill a the job. You're mine now, aye? An' I'm yours. An' that doesn't mean I'm your boyfriend, or you're mine, it doesn't mean we have so start tellin' people we're gettin' married."

His hand on his throat squeezes, lightly, but with intent, the determination in his eyes evident of a person who has done bad things for less and would do worse for him. "You're mine. You're in my skin. You're in my mind. No one's gonna take ya from me. Not even me."

His focus broke when Devan finally broke the silence, shaking his head gently. John-Paul's embarrassment over this still being such a big deal flared up. He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have said anything. He fucked up. Already. He knew it. How could he have thought someone as open as Devan would be okay hiding? He continued to silently chastise himself for the assumed failure, slowly blocking out everything around him.

But then Dev was making his presence known and John-Paul's worry began to slowly dissipate. His hands easily found themselves resting at their hip and sliding along their arm to hold onto their wrist. "Don't. It's not the same with them," he said of his siblings, shaking off their perceived ignorance of his 'love' life. "I know they wouldn't care. It's just never come up, so I never said anything," he explained it away. "It's everyone else that worries me. Not to mention there's alot of baggage behind why I've kept it to myself."

John-Paul's brow furrowed in worry when they admitted it was going to be a problem, he really didn't want that, but his expression turned to one of confusion as he went on. The knit in his brow softened as they continued, realizing they weren't leaving. That they were choosing to stay. Each kiss sent a chill up his spine. Each compliment stole his breath away. Self doubt clenched at his chest. He feared he wouldn't be able to live up to the image Devan had of him - his talent to screw up even the surest of shots undeniable.

It was Devan's value of him that nearly sent him over the edge. He had to squeeze his eyes shut to avoid the tears now threatening to dampen his eyes. He didn't know how to handle all the praise. All of Devan's wanting of him. That they were on his side. Other than his siblings, who he still sometimes believed felt more obligation by blood to be there, no one willingly made his protection a priority. And not his physical protection, he could handle himself without a doubt, it was his emotional insecurities that need the helping hand. But it was overwhelming to actually find it (in the apocalypse no less) and his words refused to form. He leaned them up just enough to press a kiss to their lips after the promise to defend his honor.

"I don't think you'll need to do that. At least not yet," he finally managed to choke out, swallowing back the lump forming in his throat with a small, nervous, short chuckle - joking in the face of seriousness his usual coping mechanism to break the weight of his anxiety. "Just give me a little more time, okay?" he asked genuinely, a thumb caressing their cheek. "That's all I need. And I promise it won't be long. It's hard to hide how much I like you," he admitted with gentle teasing in his voice before pressing another kiss to his lips.

[sweetbunanarchy]

*Rolls on the ground* I wanna try n make a speedpaint video would yall wanna see a speedpaint video from me?

[edwinisms]

it’s actually so wild to me that this fairly quirky YA type show gave both of its main characters deaths that can, in one way or another, solidly be considered hate crimes. they were both flat out murdered as a result of being A) gay and effeminate or B) brown (south asian, specifically) and you could argue whether or not those kids thought of it that way in the moment or whatever but the bottom line is that they would not have been in the situations that killed them if they weren’t of their respective minorities. like legitimately that is a ballsy choice for this kind of netflix show, let alone for the two Main Characters, and i respect it big time

[xxplastic-cubexx]

what other silly little antics do you think charles and erik got up to in that cube besides play chess because my money's on book discussions. like them book clubs with suburban moms where you drink wine and talk about books you read except theres no wine i dont think thats permitted in the plastic cube prison and theres not even a club its just two old men

[nmoroder]

Meursault askblog post #3: what do you feel when you think about your Mother?

Askblog tag: #nmoroder meursault ask Please see pinned blog post before asking questions!

Ooh boy here we go. i've had several thoughts abt Meur's mother just off the top of my head when i was new to the characters and overall lore, but time passed and my knowledge grew and now those theories suck and im excited to know what its really all about. Nevertheless i feel like its something not so pleasant to think about for him, and since we've got like endless time before his canto comes up, i am free to do whatever i please. sorry man!

[skrunksthatwunk]

something he can't put into words.

[mars-ipan]

interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!

[your-fave-is-bi]

ORDERED A BUNCH OF YARN BC I GOT TWO YARN SHOP GIFTCARDS FOR BIRF

YAAAAAAAAARN

[moe-broey]

ALSO NEITHER OFTHOSE GYYS ARE TWINKS‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ALFONSE IS A FUCKING TWINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[riiviir]

hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!

[astrobei]

should i get a ticket to see searows next thursday .

[candysharkart]

still no art, i miss it, but im trying to make myself take a real break (been just kinda crumbling every time i try the past few weeks and it was just not really improving anything lmao)

i really REALLY miss it tho and idk i guess i was wondering if anyone had anything they were interested in me drawing?? like stuff you miss from me or something you think itd be cool if i did?? idk lol my imposter syndrome makes this feel like a really dumb egotistical question to ask but you guys follow me for some reason!! and thank you for that.

[strawberry-cowmilk]

oh no somebody I do not want to know about my online presence might have found this account luckily I didn't find anything suspicious in my follower list but oh my god