#I may also lose power but I will continue to update if I can | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 12 years ago

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WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2012 Just sitting here enjoying the peacefulness of the predawn hours before the scattered loud trucks, motorcycles and barks start up.

Tom wonders if he’s got too much iron in his blood and that may also be part of why he’s tired. I asked how he’d deal with that if that’s true, and he says the way to help that is to lose some blood. So what’s he gonna do, become suicidal and start cutting himself? He said he may consider donating blood.

Yesterday turned out to be a miserable day. The net wasn’t out too long, but now the hot water is leaking in the tub, and my allergies nearly drove me to smash my nose right off my face. Tom checked the leak and said it isn’t anything to worry about and that we won’t lose propane over it. I still want out of here like yesterday! I’m sick of all the problems this place has and I know it’s only a matter of time before another crisis hits. Something huge. Well, I don’t want to be here when the roof leaks, the floor caves in, the electrical fails, and the stove and fridge crap out. Those are the only things left that haven’t let us down yet. Old places may have problems but I’ve lived in places much older than this that didn’t have nearly as many problems. I swear there’s been a breakage curse on us ever since we met, which means it would follow us from place to place, but I’d rather play fix-it in a place of our own so we could fix it our way and on our own time. Right now I worry we’ll never get out of here. Tom wants to wait till we get Walter’s update. If we get any money - and there are still no guarantees - it’s not going to be till January or February.

Tom got me Nasal Crom nose spray. Hopefully, it will stop the attacks.

Hope I can get copies of the letters my mom exchanged with The Queen of Mean. That oughta be interesting. Really, I’d just love to read them, LOL.

Renate and I agreed to swap postcards because to her that’s more “real” than being just virtual friends. She’s mailing a card to me next Monday and I think it takes something like 14 days to get halfway around the world. She’s going to write in both English and German and so am I. Within a week or two I’ll pick up a card for her and off it will go to Austria.

Nane had me laughing my ass off earlier saying she wasn’t going to play my voice post at work. Smart. :) She knows Lady Rainbow isn’t exactly office material, hahaha.

Poor girl isn’t too happy otherwise. Winter’s hit her full force and her boss is pissed at her for making a fatal mistake.

Mary and I exchanged Halloween ecards, even though I’m not big on holidays, and when I used to be, New Year’s Eve was my favorite.

What happened to Phillip? He never returned to Facebook.

Last night was the second night of not hearing any mice, so maybe the thing we have plugged in really does work. It’s supposed to send a high-frequency sound through the wires underneath the place that only they can hear and that they find annoying. It cycles on and off, but doesn’t run continuously or else they’d just get used to it. It’s also good for keeping spiders away. Too bad we can’t use it when we have rats.

Later…

I’d really like to know if northern Connecticut lost power due to Sandy yesterday afternoon. That’s where Kim is, and if I could know she was without power, that would rule out thinking she could be one of the ones who asked me if I track old friends online. Then I would know it was Molly. Kim doesn’t live far from Andy, and Andy never lost power, so I think it probably was her. If it were Molly she would’ve checked my blogs. Molly never makes any attempts to hide. Kim does. Yet I know damn well she reads my blog due to the comments she’s left.

I went to take a shower this morning, shoved the shower curtain aside, and then I saw a miracle. An honest to God miracle. The tub wasn’t dripping at all. Not one single drop was visible and it was completely dry. Same with after my shower.

It’s been an amazingly quiet morning so far, though it’s not even noon yet.

Saw some pictures of Sandy’s damage. Damn! Makes me realize this place ain’t so bad after all. At least it’s not floating in 4 feet of water and it’s got power.

I’ve lost 5 pounds in 16 days. Hope I can keep the trend going. Speaking of trends, if the net’s up to speed I’ll go do another VP on LJ

I looked out at the cage on the porch and tears stung my eyes. We’ve got bedding, we’ve got food. I can’t wait anymore. I’m getting new baby(ies) this weekend.

I realize, based on reading back on past journals and by what people say, that I’ve gotten to be a rather “dramatic” and “dynamic” writer. I once wrote a story that contained an earthquake scene. The person who read it and gave me feedback said I didn’t really make her feel the fear one should feel if caught in an earthquake. And so I vowed to improve on getting the emotions across, so to speak, whether they were positive or negative. Well, it seems I’ve gotten a little too good at it. While my life isn’t perfect any more than anyone else’s, 2012 has been good to me for the most part. When Andy pointed out that one wouldn’t know that based on my writing, I could see what he meant. One who didn’t know me well would think I was miserable just with the things I’ve had to say about my parents. Oh, they’ve made me miserable, all right. Just not directly for many years. But the things they did were horrible and I can see where that would have a negative effect on the reader, thus giving them the impression that I was miserable at the time I wrote it, much in the way I was miserable as a kid. Guess I need to work on being less of a melodramatic writer, so to speak.

I’ve noticed this when reading back on certain things. Like my life in Oregon. I read back on some stuff from that time and some of it sounded like I was more stressed out than I remember feeling. I was depressed during the first year, but I wasn’t nearly as anxious as I made myself sound in the last two years.

It’s been the opposite with other things. In some ways, my writing while at this project in Connecticut may lead one to think it wasn’t that bad, but it was hell. No doubt about that.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2012 My allergies are on the warpath again. Had the windows open and the cooler running, so yeah, it’s definitely something outside that’s bugging me. No working out or cleaning for me. I’m too groggy from the semi-worthless Benadryl I took, and I don’t want to go sneezing all over the treadmill.

It hit Tom that if I look back in my old journals for the name of the snot spray I was on back in 2000, we may now be able to get it over the counter. He’s going to look for names, or at least similar versions, to Vancenase and Nasonex. The snot sprays prevented the attacks from starting altogether and eventually, I could stop taking them.

Superstorm Sandy has been rocking the northeast, but amazingly the mega storm hasn’t knocked Andy’s power out. He said it’s been windy, but that’s it. So far anyway. They’ve canceled flights, and schools and basically shut down everything and anything all over the Northeast. As I told my overseas friends, though, I’m safe from the storm being on the other side of the country, 3000 miles away.

Left a voice post on LJ speaking German, Spanish and Italian. Just a few quick sentences. I appreciate Renate’s feedback. I guess I’m doing better than I thought with just one shaky word.

I spoke with Walter yesterday and just when I thought my mom wouldn’t be full of any more surprises, he had quite a bomb to drop on me. She was exchanging letters with The Queen of Mean, Leona Helmsley, imprisoned for tax evasion! I was like Leona Helmsley?!?! Did she write to Aileen Wournos too, before they executed her for the 7 guys she killed? Why didn’t Tammy tell me that one? That one beats flunking out of high school any day! The high school thing wasn’t overly shocking. We knew she was a fucktard. Hey, even the pervert’s probably smarter than she was. I wonder if Dad knew about this. I didn’t know whether to laugh or scream. It’s funny in a way as I hate the government, but it’s sad that my mother cared more about writing this mean bitch than her own kids, and even Walter agreed.

I once worked for the Queen of Mean as a housekeeper in one of her hotels, though I never met her. From everything I read up on her, though, she was one mean-assed bitch. An awful lot like my mother was, so I can see why she’d have been drawn to the woman. Both were mean, rude, selfish, materialistic bitches from hell, only one was rich and one just pretended to be. This is a woman who left 12 million to her dog and anywhere from nothing to 5 million to her grandkids.

Walter seems like a very liberal, kind and empathetic guy. It came up when Walter was sympathizing with me and saying that while everyone loved Dad, no one had anything nice to say about Mom. He said he could relate as he came from an alcoholic family. That’s when he told me she was writing the bitch.

We got to talking about writing and blogging and he said Tammy said I was a fabulous writer and I guess he likes to write too, but has been shy about it. I told him not to be and when I told him about my books/blog he seemed interested. I let him know I’d send him links once I got the email he plans to send. He’s very liberal, too. I told him he needed to be to read my stories and why and he said, “I don’t care. I’ve had lots of gay and lesbian clients and friends.” Then he whined about the Republicans.

The good news is that I still may get something. The condo’s up for $124K and the store sold for 37K, I think he said. He’s gonna be mailing a detailed email about all the debt and things for sale. The bitch apparently went credit card crazy after dad died and racked up tons of debt. The more she had to care for him in the end, the less attention she was able to pay to the store.

Later…

As I sit here with my nose plugs on so I can get through this entry without sneezing, I wait for my second round of Benadryl to knock me out. Until then I’ll write about the highly disturbing dream I had last night that isn’t going online even in a private entry.

It was the blacks. They couldn’t get me from Arizona so they all moved here in order to be able to fuck with me. The only odd thing was that we were living in a hotel at the time. Yeah, a hotel and the blacks all rolled into one. It was a fancy hotel, though, seeing that Lady Gaga performed in the parking lot every night. But still… I really hope this isn’t a sign of anything bad to come! God loves to kick us when we’re down but He also loves to kick us when we’re up, too. I never know if they’re going to hack into my computer and set me up or fabricate something else if they can’t.

Only in part of the dream did my dream self believe they followed me here. In another part of the dream, we learned that she actually moved here first and we coincidentally ended up here as well. I realized it wouldn’t look that way, though, and that it wouldn’t make me look good at all.

In real life, I would never go to court unless I was forced to but I was given a bunch of printouts in court nonetheless, of stuff I supposedly sent the bitch. It was weird, though, as it was mostly weather reports and other senseless stuff, but my dream self knew I did indeed send it. Next thing I know I’m in a crowded courtroom and someone’s saying, “The media needs to get this stuff out of the paper,” shaking a copy of the printouts.

Then I walked up to a table in which an older woman, who I knew to be the judge, sat going through some papers. Several others buzzed about the table. She looked up at me and said something about the media, apparently thinking I was with the media. When I told her who I was she regarded me with shame in her eyes.

That pretty much told me enough right there, and after there was some discussion about how I would attend to all my little court calls since Tom had to work, I promised myself I’d never return to court. I don’t think I was supposed to return till March, though. The dream ended with me wondering if we should leave the state.

I REALLY hope to hell I’m not psychic anymore! I just worry this is a sign of bad things to come even if they don’t have anything to do with the blacks.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2012 I’m surprised but flattered to learn that Tammy already read Renting Ginny. She read the copy I sent Dad. As much of an enabler as he was, I’m still glad that he got to read one of my books right before he died.

She’s also been reading my MD blog. I’m not surprised. I figured she’d prefer to go to my trackless blog, but maybe not. Some people really do like it for its simplicity. Still, I’m not surprised she’s going somewhere because I know she likes to read my journal, probably not just to see what’s up with me, but what I may say about her as well. Well, when I failed to see her show up on TIP, I figured she was going to MD.

The attorney did try to call me back but we missed each other, and as usual, there were phone issues. The MagicJack won’t work right cuz of the shitty connection and I wasn’t sure how to retrieve messages from the cell. I only use it to call out so I never got to learn much about how it functions. I’ll try calling him back on Monday, though I don’t see what he can tell me that Tammy hasn’t already told me. My folks, who always had to put on a show, were in debt. I know that. I’m not getting anything. I know that, too. But at least others particularly Jennifer, won’t be getting anything either.

The store just sold, but between the two mortgages the bitch took out, they’re still in the negative.

Tammy totally regrets promising Dad, as he lay dying in his hospital bed, to take care of Mom. Even her kids can’t figure out why she’d bother to take care of someone who never gave a shit about her. Giving birth doesn’t make one a mother. BEING a mother is what makes them a mother. Yet she was hardly a mother to Larry and Tammy and even less of one to me since she cut out of motherhood a few years early with me by sending me away when I was 15. Except for a few months after my 16th birthday, I never returned home till I was 18. By 19 I was gone for good. Tammy’s lost thousands of dollars and countless hours with her husband just to pamper this abusive bitch till it croaked in the end, much more peacefully than it ever should have. As I said in my last entry, God will see to it that my husband and I, who never harmed a child in our lives, go out alone and in pain. Then again, unless we die together in an accident or something, one of us won’t be alone. Just in pain.

While Tammy and I may be two totally different people with different likes, abilities, interests, lifestyles, etc., we’re both big on keeping promises so she kept hers to Dad. I don’t know why, but that’s just how I’ve always been. If you tell me not to tell anyone something you tell me, I never will. If I fail to keep my word to you it’s only because something came up to prevent me from keeping it and not because I chose to break my promise.

Despite being happy overall, there is so much anger toward my parents. Much more so than ever before, and sometimes when we’re angry it’s hard to focus on the good things we have in life. Damn them for leading me to believe they would leave me a substantial amount after they croaked! I didn’t expect millions, but I expected something and not just a grand or two either. And damn God for letting me be teased with money yet again! But next time I will know better. It isn’t that I didn’t know this time. I knew. But that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t get frustrating as hell seeing the same old shit play itself out over and over. What if I did win serious money? Would God see to it that it was stolen? I bet he would.

Tammy totally understands how I feel and she feels the same way. Again I am grateful to her for letting me scream my frustrations in her ear and cry on her shoulder, though I didn’t literally cry. It’s just a figure of speech.

She also understands me when I say I’d be waiting with a shovel in hand if they could come back to life. Really I would. And while they were quick to remind me how they saved our asses in 2007 and beg for a break, I would be just as quick to remind them of the many times they didn’t help me when I needed it. They didn’t answer my cries to get me out of Valleyhead. They didn’t do shit about me roughing it in the slums on food stamps that couldn’t even feed a mouse for a whole month while they lived high off the hog in sunny Florida. And what about every slap, kick and punch they delivered, along with every hurtful word and the unnecessary things they made me do that they knew damn well I didn’t want to do like attending summer camp. That isn’t for everyone and it sure as hell wasn’t for me. I need freedom and privacy more than structure and routine. But camp was just like Valleyhead and jail. We all ate together, we all slept together, we all SHIT together.

So no, I’d say I don’t owe them fuckers shit.

On the flip side, the thought of them suddenly being alive and well again is rather amusing when you think of the fact that they’d have less than we had when my husband and I were forced to be little street bums for 36 hours and spend nearly a year in a motel. They’d have no home, no money, no clothes, no food, no nothing. Hell, them fuckers wouldn’t even own a pair of shoes! But knowing how fucked up God is, He’d see to it that some sucker felt sorry for them and gave them what they needed. Then I’d have to book the next flight out of here and fly to them in a murderous rage, and you know what? I would. I really would.

Later…

I’m sorry I bit you in preschool, whoever you are. I really am! LOL

During my talk with Tammy yesterday there was actually something funny she told me and that’s that I was thrown out of preschool. It doesn’t surprise me as I was one wild kid, all right. I don’t remember it, but she says I bit some little boy. Did my sexism start that young? LOL

I do remember the pea incident, though. There were these little hard green peas. I don’t know what they were for. Some art project, I guess. Well, for some stupid reason, I felt compelled to shove one up my nose. I vaguely remember one of the women there holding a Kleenex to my nose and firmly saying, “Blow.” I don’t remember the pea shooting out of my nose, but it must have at some point.

Tammy wasn’t sure if it was me or one of her own kids who shoved a Barbie shoe up their nose. Definitely wasn’t me.

Being 8 years older than me, though, I’m sure Tammy would remember a helluva lot more shit I caused than I ever could.

I wonder…if this boy suddenly spotted me walking down the street, would he finally want to bite me back?

Anyway, my weight is struggling to reset itself, but although my body is going to fight like hell to hang onto the extra weight, I’m determined to fight harder.

Later…

Did some digging into the past since Norma told me my paternal great-grandmother’s name was Sylvia Mary W. She was married to a guy named Joseph, her daughter eventually married a guy named Joseph, and my maternal grandfather’s dad was Joseph. So I guess Joseph was a popular name in my family. My maternal great-grandparents’ names were Joseph and Sarah G. So it was later shortened. My maternal grandmother’s maiden name was spelled with a K and not C, but I can’t figure out who her parents were. I can’t believe they listed one of my grandmother’s SS#, though. Aren’t criminals always looking for dead people’s socials?

So, Shirley Ida K and Jack (Herman?) G.

I’m once again wondering if our best bet would be to forget about getting the best of what we can get for 10K and just take what we can get right now with 5K. I not only don’t think we’ll have 10K by the end of the year (though Tom says it will be close) but looking back on our life together, a clear pattern emerges. It’s only the nicer places that we’ve lost. Clearly, something up there doesn’t want us to have a place we really like. Sure, we’ve struggled in dumps and we almost lost it all there, but when have we ever lost a dumpier place? Old places are what I’m used to, so as long as it’s ours, has enough space and a spot for a washer/dryer (I can do without a dishwasher), maybe we’d be safer in a place not as old and as dumpy as this place but close enough. A '70s place instead of a '60s place. But it would still have paneling and paper-thin walls and even single-paned windows. Jesse sheetrocked the kitchen and bedroom here and double-paned most of the windows. Nonetheless, I’ve been living in overall dumps since 2005. I can keep on doing that if that’s going to keep us safer. An expanded single-wide should be enough for us, and the lot would be cheaper than the lots the double-wides are on. Just trying to think of all the safety nets I can possibly think of in preparation for the next poor spell. All good things come to an end and so I don’t expect to always have this kind of money. As I’ve learned, the less you have (or the cheaper it is), the less you have to lose. Well, I don’t want an 80s or newer doublewide that we’ll only be fated to lose sooner or later. No matter how smart and prepared one may be, circumstances beyond our control still can and do arise. Like it or not, the cheap dumps are safer. That’s what I think we should aim for. So, no problem. :)

Tom came down with a cold. It’s that time of year when everyone is sick. Fortunately, though, I’m still able to do my influencing thing which has been deader than dead lately, and has been keeping it from getting that bad. He got a blood glucose monitoring kit to see if he’s diabetic and perhaps that’s why he’s rundown sometimes, but thinks he’s probably just overworked since it’s fine. Is he just now figuring that out? I could have told him this ages ago. First no one will let him work; now he’s being run ragged 6 days a week. The money is so NOT worth it if it’s going to mess up his health. If he has to give them an ultimatum and tell them to either cut his hours or expect to lose him, he will. We have more than enough money to live on while he found work elsewhere. We’d hate to give up such great medical and vacation benefits, but like I said, his health isn’t worth the risk.

He got one of those mouse-repellant things that you plug in but I don’t see how it’s going to kill or drive away mice that are UNDER the house, so we’ll see. It says it can take up to a week. Haven’t heard anything yet tonight, but sometimes they don’t start moving around and chewing up a storm till after midnight.

It’s almost time for my protein bar and then my workout. That’ll scare them silent for a while if they do come around.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2012 It was exactly 25 years ago that I wrote my first journal entry. That was a paper entry, of course, all of which have been digitized since the mid-90s. Had I known it’d one day be published for the entire world to see I’d have laughed my ass off. It seems like so many lifetimes ago that that young, naïve, and sometimes incredibly stupid girl on disability and food stamps froze her ass off in the cold and snow as she rode the buses through the scummiest sections of Springfield, MA while her mommy and daddy lived in warm comfort and style 1400 miles below her. I don’t miss that loveless life full of pills, cigarettes and hopeless dreams one bit!

How could I forget to mention the dreams? I had 2 - possibly 3 - Florida dreams. One was too vague to remember but the others took place over a couple of days. It was like one dream for each day. In dream #1 Tom was complaining about the humidity, though I didn’t seem to mind. In dream #2 I was asking if he felt it was better today, and he said it wasn’t that bad.

The past has proven that reoccurring dreams are the most “meaningful” and the most likely to happen. While it’s awfully hard not to think all these Florida dreams aren’t just a product of my wishful thinking, what else can they be? It’s not like I’m going to win 100K or that Walter’s going to call and say, “Good news! Your parents had a few hundred grand stashed under the carpet in the trunk of their car!”

We may very well end up there when he retires, but why would I be dreaming about it now? I don’t usually have these types of dreams till it gets close to actually happening. That’s part of how I know our new home isn’t just right around the corner. The lack of dreams about it pretty much tells me so. Besides, without anything from my parents, it’s going to take the rest of the year to save up the money we want for a nicer, newer, bigger place. Or at least nicer and bigger even if it’s still a 70s model which is as old as they start at. Then it will probably take another month to find the right place, then another month for the paperwork and all that stuff, assuming that every park but the “sardine” park doesn’t reject us for not having perfect credit even though we’d be buying the place outright. So the March vibe kind of makes sense.

Later…

Got my second royalty payment, and while it’s not as much as I’d like, it’s still weird in a nice kind of way to get paid for my writing. God will see to it that I never get nearly as much as I may deserve for my time and efforts, but it’s still cool to get what piddly payments I do get.

Tammy called yesterday and at first I was annoyed that she didn’t just message me. She knows I hate phones. I’ve made this very clear to her. But she said Facebook was messed up and apparently didn’t think to email me instead.

So I called her back, and as usual, spent more time chatting than I intended or wanted. Not because she’s boring or anything like that, but because I was tired and the poor girl sounded like shit. She has pneumonia. I swear she’s always got something! She’s so like I was when I smoked not that I’ve been problem-free as healthy as I am. I still have more dental work to take care of and I still have to deal with my ear and allergies. So I’m not perfect. But there don’t seem to be many comparisons between us two. She’s up to 222 pounds and really has a lot of problems and so does Becky. I guess she’s dealing with glaucoma, had eye surgery, and is worried about losing an eye, which would totally suck.

And then she pissed me off with the news she hit me with even though I totally expected it. Funny how one can still get pissed even though they figured as much. Like I said in my last entry, I know God. I know He not only protects my perps and sees to it that things go well for them, but I knew he’d snub me one last time where my parents are concerned. My abusive parents who had all the pampering and catering in the world in their final days, and who got to exit this world peacefully in their sleep. If anything it’s my husband and I that are going to suffer slow, painful deaths all alone without anyone around to give a damn. Why? Because that’s just how twisted, unfair and fucked up God truly is and I swear I’ll strangle the next person that tries to tell me I should play nicey-nicey with Him and that He just loves the hell outa me the same as everyone else! Sorry, but I don’t kiss up to those who harm me or allow harm to come to me whether they’re of an earthly source or not. And allowing the things to be done to me that have been done to me is NOT love. I can’t make people get this; I can only state the facts. Then again, am I really obligated to explain to people why and how I know their theories about God, at least the ones that pertain to me, are pure bullshit? Those who love me and will do whatever they can to protect me walk on two legs just like I do. That’s all I can say.

Another thing I wasn’t surprised to learn was that my know-it-all mother flunked out of high school. Tammy learned this from a long-time family friend. At least I think that’s who she said it was from. She was surprised but not surprised. My parents weren’t the dumbest people alive but they weren’t nearly as smart as my sister and I either. Dad didn’t, but Mom sure loved to pretend she knew it all, all the while she would critique and criticize others. Yeah, a true hypocrite at heart, but strangely and sadly enough, it is often those with the same problems they’re picking on that do the picking. The fat picks on the fat. The poor picks on the poor. The fearful picks on those with fears. The dumb pick on the dumb.

They never could have learned one language let alone several or become published authors if they had tried. Nor could they sing as well as I came to sing. I may not be the smartest person alive either, but there was no comparison and I know my mother was even jealous of me in some ways. It was embarrassing to her to have her kids end up smarter than her. She wasn’t proud. She was jealous.

Gotta pull a load of laundry out and then shower. After that, I’ll continue on with my bitchfest but don’t be fooled. Just because I’m pissed and hate my parents and God doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. If anything I feel freer, happier and less stressed now that they’re gone.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2012 Lost 4.6 pounds in less than two weeks on this Special K diet. Not bad. Gonna hit the treadmill in a few.

They’ve been turning us off more and more in the mornings and evenings and it’s so damn frustrating. This “service” isn’t even worth the $25 a month we pay for it, but we both agree we don’t want to pay $200 - $300 a month for our only other option while we’re still here trying to save for a house. So as much as I’m tempted to go online on and off throughout the day I’m going to try to make a point of checking in just once or twice a day to avoid the frustration my dependency on the net has brought me. I’m gonna just pick up messages, check in at my regular sites, post my entries, and submit my work for my job, then that will be it for the day. It’ll be hard, but I can do it. It will be good for me because I spend too much time online as it is when I should be doing other things. So as long as the net doesn’t cut out when I want to make my daily rounds, I can’t be so frustrated if I avoid the source of frustration altogether.

I’m going to stop posting old journals for now, but I hope to finish my designer book titles for the doc files I’ve been making on a site called Muzy. Yeah, I’m loving the photo quotes that writes text in big fat letters that you can fill in with the photo of your choice. Nothing like colorful, flowery titles, LOL.

I feel bad for Andy cuz his neighbor’s dog has been barking. Even though he’s got a helluva deal where he’s at I could never stand to live attached to others. Even when we didn’t have anyone above or below us they still managed to drive us crazy in just about every way imaginable. TVs, music, cabinets, doors, footsteps, loud chatter, kids screaming… But what happened to dogs being pets in the East? Are they not household pets anymore or something? This is one of the things (besides how liberal it is there) that I miss about the East.

Where I had to use sound machines for the dogs here that are anything but pets, now I have to use them for mice. Yeah, they’re still chewing up a storm somewhere under the floorboards between the bathroom and living room, and they get annoying as hell. I worry they’re going to damage something vital within the electrical or plumbing and while we won’t have to pay for it since we’re still renters, I worry we’ll need Jesse down for that or some other emergency before we leave and he’ll discover the bathroom leaks we’ve been dealing with ourselves so as not to have to deal with him. We put a cookie sheet under the leaky sink pipe and Tom removed the handles of the leaky shower faucet (fortunately it was the cold one) and put a wrench on it to make it easier to turn on and off.

Left a message for the attorney but never heard back from him. That’s not good. Makes me think I really won’t get shit after all. That’s so God, too. It’s so God to add one more insult to injury by making sure my abusers don’t leave me shit. And let me guess…they’re living it up and having a grand old time in the afterlife too, right God? Well, we can’t know for sure what, if anything, happens in the afterlife, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if they were going first class.

People say God works in mysterious ways. Try twisted, sick and unfair ways. Really, there’s nothing “mysterious” about why some people live in beautiful homes that do next to nothing while my husband works his ass off just to come home to this.

In reading back in my mid-90s journal (I am at least proofreading them for when I finally do publish them) I read about Minnie, someone who also knew the late Bob P, a friend who died in prison around 2005 or so. We exchanged a few calls and letters back then. I looked her up on Facebook and sent her a message. She replied and requested to be added.

Someone in San Francisco spent a half-hour on my blog tonight. Michelle?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2012 They turned us off earlier than usual tonight, so I’ll have to post this later on as I’m getting ready to eat, work out, and shower. Right now I’m running a few loads of laundry through.

The OT wages on and Tom will have to work his eighth Saturday in a row this Saturday. Before my appointment on the 14th is when he’ll run the cans into the recycling center, which by then may not make it in just one carload. We could very well have $40 or $50 in cans out there! We’d give them to Andy if we could.

It’s just a rumor, Tom says, but he heard from a couple of people at work that they’re going to be giving out bonuses. Well, if anyone deserves a huge bonus it’s Tom!

I’m going to call the attorney soon to see if I can get a sense of what’s up. As in how much longer things will take and how much, if anything, I can expect to get.

Looking forward to the weather returning to the 70s. I like how the cooler and open windows allow for fresh air but since I’m on nights now I’ll have to sleep with my mask on. I hate sleeping in light, but I’ll have no choice but to crack the bedroom window and leave the bedroom door open. How I miss having a normal setup! Someday. Someday we will get out of the Jes pest’s bummy old trailer and into a real house of our own. Well, it won’t have been built on-site, but it’ll be built more like a real house because it will be newer. A mobile home or manufactured home as opposed to a trailer. Many people think bigger is better and that’s what I used to think too, but 1000-1500 square feet is really all we need.

I didn’t hear any mice the night before last, but then I heard them last night. It can take up to two weeks for the poison to kill the whole group. Again, I hate to resort to killing the cute little things, but the damage they can cause leaves us no choice.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2012 Got a message from Christiane. She said she hasn’t had time to read much of my story and put a frowning face next to this sentence. Really? Or is she just not interested? Well, I guess it doesn’t matter either way as once again writer’s block is setting in.

I wonder how many blog visitors I get that I can’t see? Visitors that deliberately hide from my tracker.

Tammy posted some more baby pics and I realize I still have mixed emotions where her kids are concerned. Well, I have mixed emotions about anyone in the family except for my cousins. I was browsing through some of Tammy’s comments on Sarah and Becky’s stuff and I guess Becky has eye surgery coming up. She and Sarah thanked their aunt Etta. Thought they “never had an aunt?” Yeah, that crack Sarah made really pissed me off. I tell myself she was just a brainwashed kid who didn’t know shit, but I remember that crack when I think of her, and I’m still hesitant to reach out to any of the kids and getting sucked up in another family feud of false accusations and the he said, she said game. Maybe Lisa’s changed, but I don’t need her coming out of the blue at me again with some lame bullshit accusation. Oh, I’d dump them if they started any shit. I have no problem with that at all even if it meant getting harassed and hounded online to hell and back. I’m just not so sure I want to burn a bridge we may need to one day cross. We have been poor so many times in life. Why couldn’t we be again? Why couldn’t God line things up to fall against us in all kinds of ways no matter how smart we are with money or how much we save?

I’d love to fuck with Bill, but the pussy’s hiding or it has no account. Besides, if I did that it would only get the DQ and brood on my ass about it.

Andy won a case involving a car accident he was in 3 years ago. He gets points off his insurance and a reimbursement check. Yay for him! I hope the check is big and arrives swiftly.

Can’t help but feel a pinch of regret for myself as well as happy for him, for I know that had it been me, God would have protected the guilty party and I’d have gotten nothing. Just a big fat nothing.

I also have mixed emotions where Mary is concerned. For years my husband looked for a job and didn’t get one till the economy nearly killed us. But she gets two jobs right off the bat? This woman who allowed herself to be abused and her child to be killed? We live like bums in a tiny old dump, but as soon as she’s released she gets to live in a big beautiful house. How fair is that?

Later…

Got sick of Lori and blocked her for the final time. Besides, I couldn’t have public posts if I wanted them and still be able to block her from seeing them. I’m just sick of all the messages, comments and likes, most of which are needless and silly anyway. I don’t need messages from her urging me to vote. If I want to vote I’ll vote. She’ll think it’s a glitch, though, and this way her feelings won’t be hurt. I didn’t want to come out and tell her, “Look, you’re not a bad person. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just don’t want to be friends with you.”

I never liked being overly sociable online with the same person anyway. I’m not only too busy for that but unless the person is interesting or hot as hell, I get bored with that sort of thing. I don’t think I’m basing my decision on Lori on her looks, though she was an ugly duckling. No doubt about that.

Really wish Facebook would allow a way for us to hide people’s likes and comments while still going public.

Decided to compromise with myself on whether or not to go public on Facebook or keep it friends of friends. I had kept going back and forth on the idea of which to go with, unable to make up my mind. I’d love a public account; it’s just that I’d hate to expose certain people who are more private that may still want to leave comments. So I decided to start with public posts, but then whenever I get comments or likes from certain people, I’ll go in and reset those posts to friends of friends.

I’m pissed at myself for going back up nearly a pound. Yesterday I was more sluggish and hungry for some reason, so I ate a little more. I also had my main meal too early in my day.

Tom is sick of all the OT. He says there’s no doubt it will continue for the rest of the week, but he would really love it if it stopped and he could have an entire weekend off. I agree, even if it would slow the savings down dramatically and I still may not get anything from my parents which could mean we couldn’t move for a long, long time. Oh well. We are where we’re meant to be. Been here so long that while there may be things to complain about, as with any place, this is what I’m used to. I don’t know that I could ever have adapted to having people an arm’s reach away like they are in those parks, so I’m ok with staying here. There are so many places that would be much, much worse to be stuck in. I know we could be moved into a similar old single-wide in the “sardine” park within a month, no questions asked, and it could be all ours, but if we’re going to settle, why not settle for staying here?

This weekend I’m going to unpack the bins I packed and just assume we’ve got another year or two to go before we get out of here and into a place decent enough. Tom doesn’t think the OT will stop after this week, though, just because he wants it to. LOL, I always did say that the more we want something the less likely we are to get it. I don’t see us moving anytime soon either. In fact, I don’t think we’re even remotely close. But he must be meant to be making all this money for a reason even if it means having no life. He hasn’t had a Saturday off in nearly two months, he’s tired, and things are getting neglected around here that I can’t do on my own.

I’m using Nane’s leaves for my blog background. She likes to take nature pics and one of the shots in her newest album was of a maple tree. I told her it would make a great blog background, but not to worry, I wouldn’t steal it. She said it was ok, though.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2012 Still not sure what to do about Lori. She’s such a pest at times, but I also know that right or wrong, I wouldn’t mind nearly as much if she were a hottie. I wish she’d get sick of me or something, LOL. I can block her from viewing my posts to keep her from commenting and butting into all my discussions, but I’m not sure I can stop her from seeing other people’s posts. Even if I could, she still posts to my wall and messages me. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m tempted to block her for good.

I wish it would rain more often during the daytime instead of mostly at night like it usually does. That would keep the Jes pest indoors more often. But just because the ground may be wet doesn’t mean he can’t be out working on whatever vehicle, woodworking or another project he’s building. I cringe every time I hear something like, “I want to plow a little road in back down to the well,” though it’s been a long time since I’ve heard that one. I’m sure he’ll want to cut down dead trees for firewood for his dad, though the bulldozing will have to wait till the ground dries out. We’re on for rain for tomorrow, and then it’s back to the sunny 70s.

Tom didn’t have any OT today. He liked that for obvious reasons but I did say I feared them cutting the OT the closer we got to our goal. He said it’s just one day and he’s sure there’ll be a huge order waiting to be filled tomorrow. He said the only reason he got to leave early (though not everyone did) was that the order was delayed. Meanwhile, I’m trying to enjoy how well things are going and not worry about the 10 million things that could go wrong to trap us here.

I’m now just two-tenths shy of a 3-pound loss since beginning the Special K diet 9 days ago. I just hope it keeps on working! It’s beyond fabulous with the way it curbs hunger better than any other diet. Sometimes I get hungry but not all the time and not to the point where I feel I have to eat a whole cow to stop it. The end of my day used to be the hardest, yet I didn’t eat for the last 4 hours of my day yesterday and wasn’t one bit hungry.

Nane also couldn’t pull up Irene’s account. I thought it might be a glitch at first since that happens on and off with my Chile friend. I knew she hadn’t blocked me since we’d gotten along just fine, then Nane confirmed that she deactivated. I’m guessing it had to do with her depression, the poor girl.

Nane really holds the record for stepping into my dreams. In the last dream, which was very short, I guess I was in Germany. She was pissed cuz she had to take a day off from work to bring me to the doctor. Then she got even more pissed when some Arschloch cut in front of us and nearly got us into an accident. By the time we got to the doctor’s office and I realized I’d forgotten my purse with my medical info she was so furious I was almost afraid to leave with her, LOL.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2012 Someone asked on Ask if I ever worry my online stalkers will get to me in real life. Wow, I’d really like to know who asked that. But no. I don’t see how they could find my exact whereabouts and jump out at me in the flesh, but as I said in my answer, let’s hope for their sake they’re armed or a lot tougher than me if they do.

The net’s down now and the fact that it goes out every weekday evening around the same time only makes me suspect even more that it’s a person fucking around with us and not just a combination of old wires and incompetent service. Probably just some kid with nothing better to do that thinks it’s pretty fucking funny. What else can one do in such a tiny town but waste time pulling pranks, right? Anyway, I’ll post this when I can.

The thought of being here till the spring with our change of plans makes me want to scream, but not just because of the lack of space and shitty connection. Yeah, you probably guessed it - the Jes pest is already out and about banging, hammering and doing God knows what else. If he were just a driveway away I’d kill both him and his damn mutts if I didn’t go batshit crazy first. I was really hoping to be out of here before the cooler weather projects started back up again, but we refuse to settle and take just any old place simply because we can. We can afford many places that are adequate and comfortable, but adequate and comfortable aren’t good enough for me anymore, this person who has been made to live in dumps as if she and her husband were nothing but a couple of lazy-ass dope heads. I don’t have to love it so much that it takes my breath away, but I better really, REALLY like the hell out of it. If it doesn’t call to me, really grab me by the heart and stir my excitement, I don’t want it.

For now, I expect to hear our latest mouse that’s been living in the space between the heater and tub in about 10 minutes. Whoever came up with the saying about being quiet as a mouse didn’t know shit. They are NOT quiet when they’re chewing on shit. We put bait out but I don’t know if it will find it.

We got our first real rain in many months starting at midnight last night. It has rained on and off since then and there was even some thunder and lightning. I’m glad the thunder held off till after I got up. I’m also glad to see we’ll be back in the 70s this weekend. I like the rain as long as it isn’t day after day after day. It’s the cold I could do without.

I rejoined Tumblr but am not sure if I want to share this account with anyone I know because I might want to use it for sharing things I wouldn’t normally share in my other blogs. As a blogging fanatic, I love the variety that the different sites have to offer. I kind of miss Blogger but I refuse to sign up for anything powered by Google, thanks to their shitty security and “privacy” policies. I probably won’t post private stuff on my Tumblr blog, though, as Googlable or not, there’s always a chance that the wrong eyes may spot it. I either make private or keep offline anything I don’t want just anyone seeing. But Tumblr is one of those all-or-nothing blogs that doesn’t let you set different security levels per post. I even made a story blog there, but I’m not sure if I’ll keep that going or not.

I stupidly brushed my teeth too roughly and caused my gums to start bleeding again so I rinsed with salt and baking soda. I think the reason the last two pulls were rougher on me is that they had to dig as well as pull. With my wisdom teeth and the impacted baby tooth, they could just pull.

Tom said jury duty was cool and it was nice to get paid for a whole day’s work even though he wasn’t there too many hours. It had to do with some stupid drunk driving case. Just some stupid, clean-cut drunk driving case that didn’t involve anyone getting hurt or anything like that. Again, it never ceases to amaze me the time, money and legwork the pigs and courts spend on such things that should be resolved as simply as writing out a ticket. But apparently, you can fight a DUI charge same as you can a speeding ticket. He didn’t get called for the case, though.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2012 “Why you gotta be so mean?” Kim asked me on Ask in regard to my last entry. I just deleted it. I decided to compromise with myself and instead of being so black or white, I’d allow for anonymous comments and not deprive myself of the fun that goes with that and just delete anything that’s either obviously from her or Molly, or that might be from them.

I first told myself I wouldn’t post it unless I ever heard from her again, but then I told myself, “You know you will. Just post the damn thing. It’s your journal anyway.”

This is the first Sunday I can think of where Andy hasn’t been on Ask. He usually at least checks in before he leaves if he’s got plans for the day. It’s a little weird but not too worrisome. I’m sure he either ended up busy or just not in the mood for Ask. We all have our days. I’m not even blogging today. I don’t think I will be anyway, but that isn’t just because there isn’t much to say but because Opera’s fucked up again.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2012 The only dream I remember having last night was one where this homeless woman approached me trying to tell me God just loved the hell outa her even though she’d had all kinds of hardships. Then she tried to tell me God’s blessed me with my language abilities and hogwash like that.

I said, “Lady, if God loved you that much you wouldn’t be in one mess after another, and God didn’t bless me with my language abilities either. I learned what I learned through years of hard work and study. Give credit where credit is due and quit kidding yourself about God and considering your enemies to be your friends. After all, you wouldn’t consider a person a friend who let bad things happen to you, would you?”

When I woke up I realized that part of the reason why I could never forgive God isn’t just the magnitude and the number of hardships and curses He’s tossed my way, but because forgiving Him would be too much like a woman forgiving an abusive man. It’s just all wrong to me. Simply backward. But the one thing I can do is appreciate the good times. Things are wonderful now. All we need is a decent place of our own, then they couldn’t get much better than that so long as there were no unexpected problems there that we couldn’t anticipate beforehand.

Other than life’s usual annoyances that everyone has to deal with, it’s just a waiting game from here on out. Until then I expect the upcoming change of weather to bring about more barking, bulldozing and other projects. I really hoped to be gone by now but things always take longer than you expect. Always. We’re no exception to that rule.

Today may be the last day that we’ll be in the 70s this year. Tomorrow will be cloudy and 60s, then 50s and rainy.

I was disappointed but not surprised to wake up and find I’d gone up a pound. This is right around the time (a week) when my body weight tries to reset itself and fights to hang onto the extra weight. Plus, as I shift onto nights I don’t lose as much weight in my sleep. I’ll stick to the diet another week but if I either gain back what I’ve lost or don’t lose anymore then I’ll have to go to a doctor one of these days and see if I can find out why they only work for a week for me. I think I can lose a little more, though. At least I hope I can. If not, then I would think something must be wrong somewhere.

Later…

Tom’s got jury duty on Monday, but he’ll be paid for his time, so that’s cool. Instead of bustling about a sweaty warehouse he can just kick back in our tiny town’s no doubt corrupt little courthouse.

I was just sitting here thinking of Kim and reflecting back on our “friendship.” Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I see just how fucked she was till the very end of our two-year friendship? I’m usually pretty good with this sort of thing, too. I could tell right away that she was a bit slow and that she wasn’t very bright. But being flaky and sometimes annoying while writing silly, off-the-wall stories doesn’t necessarily constitute crazy. Yet it was there all along. The classic signs of MPD.

The annoyances first began with odd and excessive behavior. First it was the overtweeting back when I used to have a Twitter account. I couldn’t figure out why it had to take her 16 tweets to get a point across that could be done in 2 or 3. Yet despite being given up to 150 characters per tweet, she’d usually use just half or less of the allotted characters. But we all have our annoying quirks and so I just dealt with it, though I did complain a few times hoping she would take the hint before she deactivated that account. She followed me from her newest account, but I didn’t follow back. I didn’t want to have to scroll and scroll to get to the tweets that actually interested me.

Then came the constant, and I mean constant, a never-ending slew of self-portraits she’d take of herself and post on Facebook. They were always the same old face shots, never any body shots. She’d post them by the hundreds and I eventually kicked her stuff off my stream because, well, I just got sick of looking at her. I sometimes wondered if she did it to try to convince others – or perhaps herself – that she was attractive. Not to sound rude or mean but Kim really wasn’t anything to look at. The self-proclaimed blue-eyed blond who was clearly a gray-eyed and extremely heavy woman with muddy brown hair, had such bloated features that it was hard to tell what she really looked like. Colors were easy enough to see, but was she pretty? Was she plain? Was she ugly? Even her nose seemed enormous, and again, I don’t mean to sound cruel, harsh or judgmental. No one’s perfect, including me. But she did one time come crying to me about her weight after admitting that all she basically did was stuff herself and sit at her computer all day. Therefore, it was kind of hard to feel sorry for her. No one can change our weight but us, so if you’re going to complain, at least do something about it along the way while you’re at it. Yet day after day she would continue to complain, eat, and post her incredibly swollen face, and I still didn’t see the craziness within. I simply thought she was a bit on the weird side and simply didn’t know how to begin to help herself. She didn’t seem to have much of a support system either.

Next came the repetitiveness. She would ask me the same damn questions over and over, and her mile-long blog entries would say the same damn things again and again, just in different ways.

Then the lies began. First she wouldn’t admit that she wasn’t really reading my stories when I would ask for her opinion, even though I told her it was perfectly ok to admit it if suspense wasn’t her cup of tea and she wasn’t interested. After all, I wasn’t interested in her fantasy stories, most of which contained celebrities for most of its characters, along with a few of her former friends, myself included.

Then it was on to one contradiction after another, but again I dismissed it on pure silliness and her being an airhead. Finally, a red flag went up. The Kim who could speak six languages on Facebook could now only speak one another site. The vows to not base characters in her silly stories after Molly was quickly forgotten and the Kimantics were beginning to really add up.

Next up were all the celebrity impersonation gigs. At first she admitted they were “fan” sites, but then she became these people. Literally. It was a bit chilling to watch this middle-aged woman with no life, who never had a real job or lover, and who was still living at home, literally become these various celebrities. She morphed into these beings and spoke to the fans she fooled and deceived not like it was some big old fucking joke she was getting a kick out of but as if she were really these people. She merged right into their minds, their personalities, their likes, their careers, and their entire lives. The transition was as smooth as glass. Only she did it in a childishly silly way with tons of typos and grammatical errors that gave her away to those who knew her.

When confronted, she was quick to delete, deny and delude. No matter how obvious it was to those who knew her, she reacted as guilty as guilty gets. After being confronted, she would deactivate her accounts only to create new ones doing the same thing. And once again she’d be called out and she would delete, deny and delude. “It was really so and so that did it, not me!” she’d insist. But she was beyond a bad liar. One didn’t need to know her that well to know she was lying.

It wasn’t until someone on Ask started hitting me with all kinds of nasty “questions” that the sad reality of this person I had considered a friend, despite her imperfections, and that I thought considered me a friend as well, hit me full force. The magnitude of her insanity shone through and hit me like a semi out of control. With all the things I was learning about Kim I was beginning to suspect more and more that the insults flung at me on Ask that I had assumed were from Molly and her mother (though I’m sure some were) were really from Kim. And so I asked her a question right after I got one of the usual “I smell a loser called Lady Rainbow” questions written much in her style of writing, and sure enough, she was on at the time and answered back.

Had I known what would happen next I never would’ve confronted her. I’d have simply walked away quietly. Instead, I confronted her with, “Ok, I know it’s you, Kim. Ha Ha, very funny, but the joke’s over now, ok?”

I would have been prepared to let it go at that and move on so long as she didn’t do it again, but what she did do was react with that classic guilty reaction. Only this time she went beyond delete, deny and delude. She got nasty on me. And now I had another Molly on my tail only this one was of a worse kind because she was too crazy to even know who the hell she was. This one wasn’t just playing around. This was a sicko. A genuine loon. Molly may be crazy in her own kind of way and say some mean things at times, but she was always just Molly and she was never nearly as big of a liar either. Trying to reason with someone who had anger issues and was a little off-balance was one thing. Yes, Molly could be a pest and yes she was very stalkerish in many ways by not going away when I asked her to until she took measures to better herself and her life, but looking back on it now I can just imagine how often Kim must have been instigating Molly and harassing her just as much if not more than Molly ever harassed her. Once Kim’s true colors emerged and all this anger came out I didn’t even know was there, I know she couldn’t possibly have been totally innocent where Molly was concerned. I have no desire to ever again be friends with either one of them, but Molly had to have taken some serious harassment from Kim. No doubt about that!

I always wondered, and still do, just how much awareness Kim has. I’ve read up on MPD and she really does seem to fit the profile. They are said to lose awareness for hours at a time while other “personalities” or “alters” take over. I remember once she said something about a place where one of her alters lived and I thought she was joking, but this statement tells me she must have some awareness of her behavior, at least some of the time. They are said to do things the “host” which is basically their main self, as funny as they may sound, doesn’t remember later on. Maybe one of Kim’s alters harassed me and maybe it was the “real” Kim I confronted and she reacted with so much hate and anger and all the relentless taunts and insults because she truly believed she was innocent and that I dumped her for nothing. I don’t think so, though. I think for some reason she is just a very hateful person who hated me all along. It does take a lot of hate to do what she did, not that she still may not have MPD and not that she isn’t a very sick person.

But still, why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I see it coming, this craziness within?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2012 Starting to wonder if maybe I have two mystery fans who have contacted me on Ask. The more I think about the last two questions and compare them to older ones that I always assumed were from Kim, the more I see the difference in the writing. In fact, the spelling and grammar are radically different. My mind started to revert back to Kim on the older ones, but then a VH sister came to mind. I asked her about it.

I knew they both couldn’t have come from Kim because if you’re dumb, then all of you are dumb. I know that sounds funny as hell but when you have MPD, or at least seem to have it, your alters may act differently, but wouldn’t they all write the same? If her “main” self has shitty spelling and grammar, why would her other selves write better? Anyway, I’ll write more about her tomorrow. For now, she’s welcome to keep the evidence coming.

As far as my more intelligent fan that says they’re overseas, I love a good mystery, but I also like to solve them, too. I’ll figure out who they are sooner or later. I’m now down to 9 possibilities for the more recent questions. I think I know who it is and if I’m right it’s a he.

Kathy’s been giving me Kim’s “fan” site links on FB to block. Even though I’ve gone private and she’ll keep creating new accounts, I knew she had to be looking in on me from somewhere on FB. So I block whatever I can.

Kathy set up a bogus Ask account of her own that the trolls won’t catch on to.

Poor Nane’s been sick again. I hope she gets better soon and will be online more than she has been.

Later…

Rasvi, a guy in India, admitted to being my overseas FB friend I rarely talk to. Maria picked up my message asking if she made any requests for me to keep that diary open, but didn’t reply. So unless something came up and she was in a hurry, I’d say I’ve figured out my two mystery fans.

Got a quick visit from Lee, MA. That’s where the As are.

Later…

It’s early evening now, which means the net’s down. Don’t know if it’ll be for just a half-hour or if it’ll be for the whole night, so I’ll just focus on writing and post what I can when I can.

Turns out that the bridge I need is only going to cost about $450 and not a grand. At the dentist’s office, we were told our plan covered 50% of it yet we read online they covered 80%. So they said they’d check into it and left a message yesterday saying, yup, 80% will be covered. Tom said we’d still have to pay a grand anyway because I still need fillings done and we’ll have exceeded our benefits for this year. They go fast when you need a lot of work done that has been neglected for so many years, but as I told him, I’m in no real pain anymore now that the worst teeth have been filled and pulled, so the fillings aren’t urgent. They can wait till the next rollover, which isn’t too far from now. Next month, I think it is. The bottom cavity they filled was painful, though, and the broken tooth definitely had to go because that was potentially dangerous.

Today has been amazingly pain and allergy-free and I’m now down 2.6 pounds – yay! But I worry it’s going to stop anytime now. If it doesn’t, it’s definitely going to slow down the closer I get to my ideal weight. Well, at least what my body considers ideal for a short 46-year-old. Due to getting my period, which causes my iron level to drop, I got lightheaded and sluggish, so I had to eat more and cut a few minutes off my workout.

Next week we’re expecting our first real rain in many months and highs only in the mid to upper 50s. :( This means I’ll have to listen to that fucking bulldozer for 4 hours or so. As much as I hate the cold, I’m hoping that having the windows shut and the cooler off will back off my allergies more than just a few days at a time.

I also had a couple of dreams Nane was in, one of which is hopefully a good sign, the other hilarious as hell. It was long and detailed, too. Instead of paying a cab to drive me to her place (guess there was no ocean between the US and Germany in the dream), she sent a car that ran on autopilot like an airplane. It was programmed to take me to her apartment building. Inside the car was a cell phone with a rather mysterious caller. Once the car pulled up sort of toward the side of her place and I was admiring the various trees, flowers and other plants, the cell rang and I thought it was Nane.

I heard a muffled female voice and said, “Nane?”

More muffled sounds.

“Nane?” I asked again.

Then someone clearly said, “No, not Nane. Just a close friend of hers.”

“A close friend?” I asked. “That’s odd.”

The caller asked why and I said, “Because your accent sounds as American as mine. How many Americans can she possibly be close to?”

“She loves someone else, Jodi.”

So she knew my name. “That’s ok. I love someone else, too.”

“But she might still kind of be into you. She says you make her laugh and are there for her.”

“Well, we must be somewhat into each other to be drawn to each other despite being so damn different, and after all the chats we’ve shared.”

“What about?”

“None of your business. Where’s Nane?”

“Ich weiß nicht wo sie ist.“

“Well, find out. It’s getting cold here.”

She was surprised I knew what she’d said in German. “Crushes,” I said. “They tend to make you smarter than you intended to get.”

The dream ended then. I never did see Nane, LOL.

In another dream, we were waiting for the go-ahead to move into a particular place. At least I think it was a house we’d picked out and not just the park we were waiting on. I’m not sure if I was imagining my reaction and how thrilled I’d be if Tom said we were in after he talked to them, or if he actually did say we were in and I was reacting for real, but Nane was there too, and I’m hoping this is a good sign.

Tammy said she doesn’t know anything about Mom breaking one of our arms when we were 5 by roughly pulling something out of one of our hands and then later telling Joyce about it. That’s Judy’s sister. I have no such memory of her doing that or telling anyone about it, but Tammy sure is pissed at Judy still, calling her a bitch and a liar who needs to shut her mouth or she’ll shut it for her. LOL, typical drama queen. She’s also still a hypochondriac. I’m sure some of it is real, but she always seems to be sick. Much more so than I was when I used to smoke. She’s got a chest infection and is awaiting more test results.

As I told Andy, the thing that gives me peace of mind is knowing I can dump her if she stirs up any real shit for me again and that she can’t go running to Mom and Dad with it who would only get on my ass about it as well. The DQ loves to get others involved and drag people through all kinds of feuds right along with her.

She’s a bridge I’m hesitant to burn right now, not because of what she can send me or what Walter might send me if my folks cough up any dough from the sale of their shit, but what if we are poor again? It’s happened before, so who says it can’t happen again as determined as we are to do all we can to prevent it? God loves to let circumstances beyond our control line up just right (which is really all wrong for us) so that He can get a kick out of making bums out of us and watch us struggle. Just because we’re doing well right now doesn’t mean He suddenly likes us. Personally, I don’t know why He’s allowing things to go well for us right now, but no one who’s been as cursed/hated as I have from my childhood to my ear, from my sleep curse to being sexually cursed, from my once being denied the right to choose to my driving phobia and lack of job, is suddenly liked.

Just for the record, though, my dad was NOT exempt from any of the family violence. Oh no, not at all. He gave us kids a good one every now and then and I even remember one time when he slapped my mother. I was still kind of little and it was a pretty memorable experience for me. In a bad way, of course. My mother later excused his behavior on his newly discovered heart problems and the fact that he was having to go through heart surgery and all that shit, and well, just your typical piss-poor excuse too many people make for abusers. But like I said, I was just a little kid at the time so I bought it hook, line and sinker and accepted the lame excuse as well as I would these days when I hear about cases of self-defense.

I remember being woken up by the sounds of scuffling and crying when he was beating up one night on one of my siblings, though I don’t know which one. He just loved to use that belt of his for reasons that went beyond holding his pants up. Believe it or not my mother came into my room and comforted me because I was crying, terrified out of my mind. Other than that she did absolutely nothing to pull her husband off of whomever he was attacking, nor did she call the cops. Back in those days, though, the cops would’ve been useless but at least there’d be a record of it.

I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. Hell, I don’t even feel sorry for myself. Maybe I should but instead, I just feel pissed. I have come to hate my parents like never before for the shit they’ve pulled, as well as God for letting it happen. He didn’t have to let me be abused. He could have protected me. Instead, He chose not to and proved throughout my life that I am NOTHING in His eyes. Just a worthless sack of cells, blood and bones for anyone to do whatever the fuck they may feel like doing, good or bad. But unlike Him, I care about myself and so do my husband and friends. Those that really give a damn about me are those I can actually see and hear and they walk on two legs just like me. As for my parents, yeah, they might’ve saved our asses back in ’07, but if they could suddenly rise from the dead I’d be waiting right there with a shovel.

People have been asking me about my second stalker. It’s Kim. At first I was against writing about her so as not to give her the attention she just might crave and so that’s why I removed the entries about her being under investigation. Yet I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s my blog, and so I don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to discuss her shit as long as I’m not posting sensitive info.

Someone on Ask must have a very guilty conscience since they yelled at me to “STOP TALKING ABOUT ME YOU LIAR!” Yet I never mentioned any names. I know damn well it’s Kim and I really wish she would grow the hell up, get a life and move on. Really, I’m embarrassed for one who can hate themselves so much that they feel they deserve to pay attention to nothing but people who hate them.

Maybe writing about her pisses her off instead of amuses her, but she should’ve thought of that before she pestered me on Ask if that’s the case. What part of “fuck off” does she not understand? What part of “our friendship is over,” does she just not get? There’s no point in hanging on to past friends, for to do so means you’ll never move on. Then again, what has she to move on to? Probably nothing or pretty damn close to it. Nonetheless, I’m not going to worry anymore about whether or not writing about her will set her off or if not writing about her will make her more determined to try to get my attention. I’m going to write about her because I feel like writing about her. Period. However, it makes her feel is of no concern to me.

I’ll discuss it more later. Right now I have to get ready to work out and wonder how many more stalkers I’ll accumulate in my lifetime.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2012 The Special K diet is still working wonders with the way it’s high in fiber and protein. The fiber helps fight hunger and the protein helps fight random cravings. I’ve lost 2.2 pounds so far, but I still worry it’ll suddenly stop working even if I keep sticking to it long before I’ve lost all the weight I want to lose. A woman my height and age should be 120-125 pounds and not the 100-110 I’d like to be, but I’ll settle for the 120 if I have to.

The bad news is that the bridge I’m going to have put in on November 14th is going to cost a grand. Better than the 2K Tom was expecting, but he also didn’t think they were going to do the bridge for 6 months or so. This is exactly what I mean by the unexpected curveballs I fear being thrown at us with more frequency cuz I still feel like something up there doesn’t want us moving. Tom will make that back in no time, but too many setbacks can really start adding up. Things are going frustratingly slow enough as it is.

The gums where the tooth was pulled are healing nicely. No dry sockets or whatever it’s called. She gave me a soft toothbrush and some Colgate toothpaste and I think I’m going to switch to these old-fashioned brushes and toothpaste tubes from electric toothbrushes and foaming toothpaste that comes in a pump. The electric toothbrush is too rough on my gums. I was able to brush my teeth more thoroughly with the non-electric softie, and the tube is less messy than the pump. This Colgate tastes much better, too.

Other than that, things are wonderful. The weather won’t be for much longer, though. We’re on for a high of just 58° for next Tuesday with some rain too, but I won’t believe the rain part until I see it. I hope it’s not raining on moving day, whenever the hell that is, though each year seems to get drier and warmer here, so I’m not worried about it. I just appreciate whatever daytime rain we do have, because so long as the roof continues to hold up and not leak, it keeps Jesse indoors and quiet.

Later…

Whenever I have made my diary at MD private, someone has been quick to ask me on Ask to please reopen it, saying they find my blog fascinating and that they like the way I write. I first thought it was Kim just trying to get me to keep that one open because it doesn’t have a tracker. That way she wouldn’t have to have her “sources” peek in on my other blogs for her. But now I’m not so sure it’s her. I asked for some hints as to their identity and they say they’re an overseas Facebook friend and that we’ve talked very little.

Well, there are about 20 possibilities, some being more likely than others. First I would need to know if they’re an “immediate” friend or an “extended” friend. I deleted some friends who weren’t really friends since we hardly ever even spoke, but they could still see my updates and may not even know I deleted them.

I thought of who I rarely talked to who would write similarly to them and came up with 11 possibilities, 6 of them being the most likely.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2012 Today’s the 1-year anniversary since the supposed pigs were snooping in my old Google accounts. I can’t believe God protected ME this time. BUT… it hasn’t been a year since they supposedly made whatever fictitious little case from my emailed blog entries. As I said, they were obviously altered with threats because I didn’t send enough stuff to constitute spam according to the Can-Spam Act’s legal definition. It’s gotta be a jurisdiction thing that’s been saving me. No God would really save me since it didn’t save me 13 years ago. Arizona doesn’t give up on its precious blacks. I’m sure they still want me as bad as they want the guy who molested or raped somebody’s kid.

Tom called me on his way home from work yesterday saying he’d be an hour or so late since one of the tires blew. It was a bad blowout too, that he couldn’t fix. So he got a whole new set for $450 since it was just about time to replace them anyway. It was great to be able to buy a whole set and still have thousands in savings, but these are the kinds of curveballs I feared would start coming at us as we neared our goals. If they escalate, don’t think it’s a coincidence, I told Tom.

I was shocked and thrilled to learn he discovered a completely petless park that says absolutely NO pets are allowed! I’m sure God will make sure it’s too far away, but oh how I would love to be in a totally dogless park! I still think the dogs closest to us would be annoying as they were taken to and from the place on walks and that dogs being walked around the park would go barking by the place whenever someone else happened to walk or drive by, and that could get annoying at times. Not utterly maddening like Jesse’s dogs who are left to bark outside anywhere from 2-10 hours at a time, but still, I’m going to have to listen to car doors, people gabbing, and landscaping. Who needs barking on top of that?

I don’t understand why I haven’t adapted to all this barking after 20 years of living with it. Aren’t we supposed to grow accustomed to things the more we’re forced to deal with them? Yet if anything barking drives me crazier and crazier each year.

The pest up the hill is now going out for a couple of hours on random weeknights. So now I have 3 possible nights per week I can’t get any peace, not to mention when he’s out in the mornings. Weekend nights are still the worst. When he leaves between 7 and 8pm, they don’t stop barking till 3 or 4am. Sound machines are a must if I want to be able to hear myself think, let alone concentrate on reading, writing or anything else. And of course there’d be no way to sleep without them either. I hope the next people in here are native Westerners for their sake! Usually, if it’s all you’ve ever known, it’s a lot easier to deal with. Tom can sleep through the racket and pretty much live anywhere. As conservative/hateful as most of it is, a part of me wishes I were from the West. Then barking would seem like nothing to me and I could simply tune it out.

A part of me is considering chucking my dad’s urn out in these woods. Do I really want the ashes of a guy who lived in denial and let his wife abuse their kids?

Later…

Forgot to mention that I’ve now lost a total of a pound and a half but I’m not ready to get all excited and think I can lose 30 or more pounds. Not unless I’m still losing weight after the first week. Many things seem to work well at first. It’s common for me to plateau after a week.

Andy says the woods are too good for Dad. Bust the urn open, dump the ashes in the toilet, shit on him, then flush him into the Jes pest’s septic. LOL, he would come up with that one.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2012 My dreams last night consisted of the mutts barking their asses off, and a couple that suggested we’re still months away from moving. This makes sense considering that we’re approaching the time of year the dogs are at their worst when left alone, and we haven’t hit our monetary goal yet. How fast we hit it is going to depend on the OT and when and if I get anything from my parents, along with how much.

I still think whatever’s up there wants us renting bummy old dives we can barely fit into and not owning our own place, so it’s not so much as going to stop us as it is going to do all it can to delay things. I think it’s going to keep throwing curveballs at us. They may be minor obstacles we can overcome, but they’ll still be there. We can’t get a loan with our not-great but not-bad credit, so now we have to hope the park will still accept us if we just buy the place outright which is what we’re saving to do and part of what’s taking so damn long. When I realized we’d waited this long anyway and were so close to the “magic number” that would open so many more opportunities, we agreed we might as well stay back and listen to the mutts and saws a while longer, though I’m not hearing as many saws as I expected to.

They cut back everyone’s OT at work but his so something up there must want us to have a lot of money. IDK, maybe whatever’s up there isn’t trying to stop us but is keeping us from making a mistake and settling for the wrong place. Well, I’m definitely tired of settling, all right. We may only be there for 10 years, but 10 years is still 10 years. I don’t have to love the house, but I want to like it. I don’t want to settle for some shitbox we’ll have to work hard at to pretty up. He works hard enough at work, and I’m going to be working hard enough when I go back to artificial intelligence work and sweeping. I just need a fast connection that holds steady to do it.

Yesterday my ear was driving me nuts and my allergies were borderline. I almost didn’t want to get out of bed and face whatever pain and suffering God had in store for me for today, but so far I’m doing ok. Not great, but ok. I just hope my allergies aren’t worse tomorrow! Today, my head is congested, my nose is a bit stuffy, and I’ve had a few sneezes, but nothing major.

I think Tom’s right about it being something outdoors that I’m allergic to. As soon as the weather warms up again and the windows are open and the cooler is on, off goes my allergies.

My ear is going to need to be professionally cleaned every 6 months or so. We just don’t have the proper tools to do it right ourselves. I’m just so glad we have insurance now so I can finally catch up on my health needs, not that I’m unhealthy, and not that I plan to tell anyone other than Tom should a new health issue arise or be discovered.

I keep hoping that someday I won’t have to live with chronic pain. Teeth, ears, allergies, whatever, but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s getting better, though I still have so many doctors to see. It’s a pain in the ass and a bit overwhelming but totally worth it so long as the doctors aren’t quacks and really know what they’re doing like my new dentist. So I’ve got to finish up with the dental work, then see someone for my ear, allergies, and then there’s the sleep thing. Anything else I’m forgetting? Well, I suppose I should add a female exam to the list, but I won’t. Oh yeah, the eye doctor. Gotta get new glasses soon. I need two pairs. Single visions for working on the computer and reading, and bifocals for like when I go out to the store. I’m tired of having to choose between glasses that’ll let me see distance or glasses that’ll let me read things on labels and shit like that.

Lost another two-tenths of a pound. I’m only doing half-hour workouts on the treadmill since more is not better when it comes to weight loss because the body can only lose so much weight so fast. Although it varies, they say the average weight loss on the Special K diet is about 2 pounds a week. I think I might lose that the first week, but I’ve always been a slow loser. Like 3 pounds a month kind of slow.

Special K is pretty good with hunger, cravings and fatigue (though I do feel a bit sluggish today even though I slept forever) but expect to shit more on this diet. It’s very high in fiber as well as protein.

Oh, I also had a dream Jesse told me he made a $350 bet with Tom and Tom lost. I don’t know what the bet was about, but I was pissed. I sort of shoved Jesse and said, “You let him make that bet with you? You stupid idiot!” Then he stepped up behind me as I was walking away and tried to put his arms around me. I shrugged out of his grasp, turned around and shoved him down on the ground on his ass, even though I didn’t mean for him to actually fall.

Meanwhile, other than waiting to move and dodging some pain, life is going great. I am so, so happy with the way things are going, especially after what we’ve been through in the past. Couldn’t ask for much better. :)

Later…

Kim’s harassing me on Ask again. I can’t believe there are people in this world who hate themselves so much that they would surround themselves with those who can’t stand them when there are millions of others to befriend on and offline. How can one degrade themselves like that and have such little self-respect for themselves? Maybe a part of it is that they can’t make new friends to replace the old ones because they’re just too fucked in the head and they only keep getting worse and worse with time.

She’s actually lashing out at Aly through me saying things like depressed people like to kill themselves, etc., so to make it at least a little easier to ignore the cunt, I’ve disallowed anonymous comments. She’ll probably create a bogus account to come at me with, but we’ll see. I know how easily she scares. So, if Aly can keep her mouth shut, and I think she can now, especially since cutting ties with her, the entry I’m going to do about contacting the police may scare her off for a while.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2012 Lost half a pound on Day 1 of the Special K diet. Guess I can take the time to describe the diet I’m on. Well, I eat 6 times a day in 3-hour intervals. So if I get up at 9am, I eat then, and then again at noon, 3pm, 6pm, 9pm, and midnight. I have approximately 1000-1200 calories a day and work out for 30 minutes on the treadmill. I also work my arms and abs. This takes an additional 15 minutes.

Yesterday I had 1 real meal (the pork dinner I made), 2 Special K meal supplements (1 bar, 1 cereal), and 3 Special K snacks (chips and a couple of snack bars).

I wasn’t as hungry or as sluggish as I expected to be. Especially since it’s the week before my period when I tend to experience more hunger and fatigue.

My ear - and yes it’s definitely my ear - is doing that familiar ache right behind the ear. There are two different ear pains I have, one’s right behind it, and one’s right in front of it. I am so, so dismayed but so not surprised. I figured it wasn’t all on account of my teeth. It saddens and frustrates me to know that having this canal made was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my life and that I will forever have to live with the near-chronic pain it has caused me. At the same time, pain is all I know and is what I’m used to.

Random memories of my parents surfaced again last night. Once when I was in my early 20s and living in Springfield, MA in the late 80s Dad came over for a visit. I tried to talk to him about his shitty wife and her abuse and he said something to the effect of walking away if I kept it up cuz “that’s his wife I was talking about.” That really pissed the shit out of me to hear him basically admit he’d put his wife first and walk away from his kid while continuing to stand by such a cold, cruel abusive bitch. I always favored Dad over Mom. There was no comparison between the two. But I gotta wonder about a guy that could stand by a woman like that even if she’d ended up killing one of us.

The only thing abusive parents make “easier” for the kids they abuse is when they grow old and die. A friend of mine lost a parent recently and was/is just devastated. I can’t imagine being that close to my parents that I could possibly be that miserable.

The only thing I’m glad about is that my family was/is liberal. I guess you could say this is due to a combination of what part of the country they’re from and how they were. Also, Judaism tends to be a more open kind of religion that doesn’t see sin in everything from abortion to watching more than 5 minutes of TV. To come from an abusive family is bad enough, but an abusive and conservative family? OMG!

I remember when I told my folks I liked women. This was back in 1990 when I was still young and naïve and at a time most people would believe I was 1 in 1000 and not 1 in 10. Sometimes we don’t get certain things that happen until we’re older. Well, I expected them to go ballistic on me when I said that I liked women too, yet they just shrugged and were like whatever. I might as well have come out and said I had chicken last night for dinner. Well, later on in life I knew why, LOL. I hate the climate there but I’m kinda glad I come from MA, the most liberal state in the country.

Anyway, Mary’s 35 today, and I jinxed myself by writing about how “good” this place has been for its lack of spiders. There was a huge one in here yesterday.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2012 Decided to throw myself on the Special K diet to see if I can still lose weight or not. If not, I will go to the doctor I go to find out why. It’s starting to get to the point where having an “aw, fuck it” attitude isn’t so easy when you find it’s getting harder just to bend over to trim your damn toenails. I’ve slacked off before, so I’ve been there before. I know what to do too, it just won’t be easy. Lots and lots of hunger. But my comfort and flexibility are more important to me than my looks. The older I get the less I give a shit what others think although I would still rather have my picture taken at 120 pounds rather than 150.

I chose the Special K diet because it’s what I lost 30 pounds on a few years ago, and it’s a happy medium taste-wise. Zone, Atkins and Slim-Fast are too tasty. So much so that I’m more likely to get a little too snack-happy with their products. But I also didn’t want anything so nasty that it’d up my cravings and desire to step out of line. The most important thing is a high protein intake. That’s what helps with cravings, hunger and regularity, though the ends of my days are still the toughest.

They shut us down for a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours in the evening, so I’m hurrying through this entry before the assholes cut our connection. They seem to love to turn us off from 6am – 8am. At night they start at around 7:20. I have a bad feeling we’ll be here another 4-6 months, but it’s better than forever. Still, it’s nothing I like to remind myself of too often, as I know we can’t possibly go that long without something serious breaking. Maybe someday we’ll get to live where I don’t have to exhale a sigh of relief when I jump in the shower or start a load of laundry and find there’s enough water.

Yesterday I organized our huge but dark and creepy closet. I thought all kinds of things would jump out at me, but the few spiders I did find were small and dead. This place has been surprisingly good with its lack of spiders for an old dump that sits in the woods.

Later…

Sure enough, the person who seems to be following me on MD quite regularly wasted no time on Ask asking that I reopen it. I did, though this time I asked to know who they were or at least a little hint as to who they were and where they were. Not surprisingly I didn’t get an answer. Makes me think it’s someone I know who’s going there cuz it’s trackless. Molly, who’s been visiting my blogs more and more, obviously isn’t afraid of being tracked, so I’m wondering if it’s Kim.

Kathy said Kim hasn’t mentioned me to her and that she rarely speaks to her. She keeps her at a distance and that’s it after I told her how she went wacko on me.

I first thought Aly deactivated her newest Facebook account. But then when Kathy gave me the link saying she’d added her there, I thought she blocked me. I was stunned. I said to myself, “Aly? Aly!?” She’s the last person I’d have thought would ever dump me! I’d let her go if that’s what she wanted, as I’m not in the habit of forcing my existence on those who don’t want it, but it would’ve been nice to have at least been told why. Turns out, though, that she blocked me by accident. So now we’re connected there, but the fact that I can’t see her friend list makes me wonder if Kim’s on it and she’s not as done with the skitzo as she said she was.

Then Aly emailed me. She said she was really sorry and that Molly got a hold of her cell phone number and wouldn’t leave her alone. Worse is that she tried to kill herself. She’s been battling severe depression, but this is the first time I’ve actually known her to be suicidal. She cut herself and was hospitalized for a few days.

God just won’t give that poor girl a break!

Later…

Now I’m more convinced than ever that it’s Kim who’s been asking me to keep MD open. She came out as if nothing had happened and we were all buddies and said on Ask to both Andy and I, “This is Kim. How are you doing?”

I asked both Andy and Aly what they thought I should do. Ignore her? Be nice? Play dumb? I don’t want to be rude, as Tom and Aly agreed, cuz that’ll cause her to go ballistic on me. But I also don’t want her to think we’re going to be buddies ever again. We’re not. Even if I could forgive her, she’s just too damn crazy. People like her don’t usually change and if they do they don’t do it in 4 months.

I haven’t heard back from Andy yet, but Aly suggested I could go funny on her and be like, “Kim Kardashian? Wow!” But that idea doesn’t really appeal to me. It seems – IDK – too childish I guess.

Aly was also saying that she had hoped that her new life at her group home would help her to move on and let go of the past and the people in it. It’s scary and strange how one can hold onto the past year after year after year. Those who can’t let go of old friends must not be able to make new ones. They’re that unlikable! I wonder if she’ll still be pestering or at least looking in on us 30 years from now. So far she hasn’t crossed the line from peeping tom to annoying or harassing and I hope it stays that way! She hasn’t commented on my blogs or tried to friend me there or on FB, so that’s good.

Really, though, I wish the people of my past would stop returning to haunt me! Especially the bad ones. But no matter how rude I might be to them, they just won’t go away. Any normal, sane person with any self-respect wouldn’t put up with the kind of abuse I’d love to dish at them, yet they would. Why do some people thrive on abuse, and what is it about me that people just can’t let go of? I don’t know what annoys me more. People who think they can waltz back into my life as if nothing ever happened, or people who try to buddy up to my friends as a means of either trying to win me over or annoy the hell out of me. I think they figure that if they can’t remind me of their existence directly, they can do it through my friends. Thank God I cracked down on my Facebook privacy.

Finally, I decided to play dumb. I figured that since being mean would only set Kim off and ignoring her would only make her more determined to get my attention, why not go with dumb? So I said I didn’t know anyone named Kim. No reaction of any kind yet.

Molly created a new blog at MO. What a surprise, huh? So far there are just two quick entries about her group home and her weight.

Got a Harlingen, TX visitor and my first thought was Mommy Dearest. But the location was wrong and so was the provider. They’ve always had Road Runner but this person has AT&T. Their browser was always FF but this one’s Chrome. Both have Win7, though.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2012 Where Tom once spent over two years wishing he could work and looking for work, now he can’t stop working, LOL. Yeah, those 6-day weeks still wage on, but boy is it making us rich. I still get the feeling, though, that the OT will stop as we near our goal.

Yesterday and the day before were so fall-like that we didn’t need to run the cooler or even have windows open. Today summer will be back and by the end of the week, it’ll be close to the 90s! Still, I will wish we were on the Mediterranean side of Spain or in Florida until the spring.

Tom said it’s too bad my parents’ condo wasn’t all paid for, then we could’ve just taken the condo. Like anything up there would let us have a free place? Yeah, right! Besides, then he’d have to scramble all over again to find a job and I’d hate the attached living.

My so-called friend opened one of my emails again last night, but I couldn’t tell which one. It doesn’t matter. She’s still ignoring me and so now I’m going to ignore her.

I mentioned “DeadlyDiva” on KB on Ask and was asked if Kiwibox allowed for tracking. It’s gotta be one of the trolls or Aly. Molly was in twice yesterday cuz I mentioned Alison. Really wish I knew what was up with her. Is she playing with me? Is something wrong?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2012 We’ve now been in this little dumpy trailer for 4½ years. That’s pretty sad, but I know it could be worse and that we’ll one day have much better living quarters. God may try and try to stop us and throw all kinds of curveballs at us, but eventually, we’ll have too much money to be stopped unless something kills us. While Tom would love to be able to get some Saturdays off for a change, I’m guessing that the closer we get to meeting our monetary goal, the more Saturdays he’ll get off and the less OT he’ll have during the week. But at least he’ll have more of a life and won’t be so damn tired.

We’re definitely not going to bother with the park where we applied for a loan. Tom said she made the comment about renting places like crazy. We don’t want to live with renters. That’d mean more turnovers to have to deal with and the potential for rude and noisy neighbors. We’ve been down that road enough times before. Owners are much more likely to be considerate of those around them and much less likely to flip out on you if you make a reasonable request of them like to keep their music for their ears only. I also don’t like how the park took its sweet time in getting back to us.

Now that bitch of an abusive mother of mine is abusing me in my sleep. :( In the dream, she was still alive and I called her with Andy on 3-way to tell her something about birthday present ideas for a friend. Next thing I know she starts insulting me and cussing me out. Andy was making these whooshing sounds by blowing into the phone. The first two times I told him to shut the fuck up, he did, but then he just kept on doing it and drowning the bitch’s rant out. So I had to hang up on Andy and call the bitch back so I could return fire, so to speak, and let her know just what I’d like to do to her. I said something like, “You didn’t quite go belly-up last time, but if you ever talk to me like that again I’ll make sure you do!”

I’m so happy to be connected to my favorite first cousin Phillip on Facebook! Exchanged messages with Mary and my German hottie, too.

But where the hell is Alison and what in the world is going on with her? She was supposed to return to Facebook, yet after I bitched about her constantly creating and deactivating accounts she goes and deactivates the latest one she was supposedly going to add me to. Something must be going on. Something I may not know about. She’s not answering my emails and her online life has ceased to exist. She’s not on Facebook, she’s not on Ask, she’s not anywhere that I know of. But I know she must have her reasons for it and that she has a right to do what she wants, so I’m not going to worry about it. If I hear from her again, fine. If not, well, that’s her choice.

At first I wanted to kick myself for going off on Phil’s mother and sister (I don’t think they picked up the messages yet) and I warned him that while I was rather distraught, not that it’s a good excuse, I really let them have it for some things I’ve wanted to get off my chest for years, mostly pertaining to Marty. He said he and I have no issues and he understands my negative feelings toward Marty. He wasn’t nice to him either, but he did try to change during his last few years and so he gives him credit for that. He said he misses me (me too) and that we’ll keep in touch and he’ll send more info soon. The only other thing he said was that the economy has been rough and there aren’t many jobs in Florida. I guess he was in the RV business and now it’s no longer a good one to be in.

Due to the job market being so shitty in Florida, it shocked the shit out of me to learn that Mary has gotten two jobs in less than a month. And being fresh out of prison, too! One at Burger King, the other as a paralegal. I was also glad to hear she only has two years of standard probation. I thought she’d be on it for life.

Anyway, she’s staying with friends and her lawyer was kind enough to hold onto and then give her the incense and makeup I sent her when she was supposed to be released a couple of years ago. I said to thank him for me. She said, “Are you kidding? You’re like a sister to me,” when I said I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear from her again.

It was funny to cut some of our old jokes like how S had a crush on Palma. Just what is that gorgeous Mexican officer up to these days? I wonder. And “Teddy Bear?” If she hasn’t been fired I’m sure she’s still as much of a slut as my brother is.

Maliheh is continuing to confirm my suspicions that she’s not really a true friend and that her “not being very sociable” is a piss-poor excuse for the REAL reasons I rarely hear from her. Now why in the world would it have been so damn hard for her to leave a quick reply to my last message as I asked her to? Because she’s determined to keep me at enough of a distance so as to not have to deal with me, but a close enough one to keep me from badmouthing her in my blog. Oh, I’ll make any mention of her private, but still, she really pisses me off. Like I said, the fact that she never added me on Facebook, even though she could’ve hidden me the way I’ve hidden Tom, made me wonder right off the bat just what she was up to. I wonder if she ever would have contacted me in the first place if it weren’t to demand her name and location be removed from Evil.

I’m not going to send her a message letting her have it or letting her know how I feel. Instead, I want to see how much longer she goes until she contacts me. I’m curious to see if she even remembers my birthday. One thing I do know for sure is that if I do hear from her again, I’m not about to be quick to reply to her as I always would in the past. No, she’s going to wait on me for once. Fuck one-sided friendships! I take the time to send her journals because she claims she’s “spoiled” though I really think she’s afraid to go to the site cuz of my tracker, and I decorate them with the cats she loves, yet she can’t even take the time to keep in touch more often? I would never want to keep in touch every day. Even sites like Ask gets a bit much for me at times. Too much is too much and has a way of losing its specialness if it’s overdone. But once a week or two would be nicer than a few months.

It took her a few days, but I know she picked up my last message last night. I even edited one of the entries to say that I was pissed about someone I thought was a friend for not giving their condolences when my mom died even though she was a bitch.

The trolls have been behaving, even though I know that at least one of them still peeks in on my blog at times, but I realize I shouldn’t be so public with my Facebook account. Friends on other sites are one thing since most of them aren’t really “friends.” But these are real friends AND family. Even if Kim and Molly don’t go back to being a real problem on a regular basis, who says I couldn’t meet someone else online that would gladly love to harass my friends and family should they get pissed at me? I know I can’t protect others forever, but I can at least try to do what little I can. So doing my part will mean revamping my FB account later on this morning. I’m going to make most of it friends of friends. What sucks is that cover photos are public. I will have to delete those with likes and comments.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2012 So I get up to find a “Mary J” sent me an invite on Facebook, and automatically assumed it was a friend of a friend. Then I studied her profile pic and could clearly see it was Mary G! Wow, I was starting to think I’d never hear from her again. As long as she doesn’t go asking for a million favors (cuz then I feel used) it’s great to have her back in my life. I had assumed she was threatened against communications with “ex-cons” and that vindicated or not, she was ordered not to have any contact with me since we were cellies, after all, back in January of 2001. Wow, it’s been nearly 12 years!

I saw other pics of her and she looks great. She actually joined FB a few days after her release. She has about 20 friends, but none of her sons are connected to her. Her oldest is an adult now, so they can’t order her not to contact him, but her other two, who were adopted, she probably doesn’t know their location. She is friends with her lawyer, though, who she describes as also being her friend and mentor.

She’s showing up on my tracker as being in Ft. Lauderdale and has only checked out my LJ journal that I know of. I’m surprised she was only there for 2 minutes, but I could’ve had other Ft. Lauderdale visitors for more than 2 minutes, and in all my blogs, but just don’t know it. I wouldn’t have thought she’d come up as being in Ft. Lauderdale, for one, since she was supposed to be in a place in western FL, and I can’t go back and check cuz she’d be scrolled off the list by now. But yeah, it seems I did have some Ft. Lauderdale visitors even though she appears as a first-time visitor.

What I don’t get is how the hell she could’ve jumped to a specific entry from the landing page when there was no link to it there. Maybe it was on my FB wall.

I’ve thought of her over the years. I believe we were last in touch when I was “with” Marie, so that would’ve been in early 2010. I have so many questions for her! Like who she’s staying with and what kind of probation she’s on and for how long. I won’t be providing certain details in my public journals, though, and I never use real last names.

Mary is a very kind, sweet, compassionate person whose worst crime in life was being too nice to the wrong people thus resulting in deadly consequences she’ll have to live with for the rest of her life, as she’ll be the first to admit. She has never tried to play down or deny what happened 13 years ago, and I have always admired her strength, her intelligence, her courage, and her will to go on. I don’t think I could’ve done it myself.

Later…

Andy’s pissing the shit out of me again, this time by making fun of my driving phobia, saying that after a few times of driving it will dissipate. I have driven a few times. More than a few times. But I don’t like being called a chicken and shit like that. There’s being supportive and encouraging, and then there’s being mean, insensitive, pushy and insulting. I don’t make fun of his fears, and yes, there’s a difference between teasing and making fun. I tease Tom about the dentist but I would never push him to see one.

When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut and quit broadcasting my fears, phobias and medical problems? I’m just going to keep on being laughed at and picked on for them, though it’s a shame when it’s a “friend” doing it, and come to think of it, he really is the only one that has so far. Sad. Real sad. What’s even sadder is that he’s making fun of shit he can relate to and that he’s been through himself. Usually, it’s those that don’t get it that do the picking and the prodding. Ok, so maybe he didn’t get the sleep thing, but he’s been poor, he’s been fat, and he once had his own driving phobia.

Had a strange concoction of dreams last night. First we were dirt poor and living in an apartment. Then we were living in a nice house.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2012 Survived yesterday’s dentist trip and came back with 2 new fillings and 1 less tooth. In Oregon in 2005, the 4th upper tooth from the center broke up, leaving just a little shard that turned a sickly shade of green. I thought it was dead. Had I known the sucker was still partly alive and would take an hour to pull I’d have been shitting bricks! Part of that was because it was broken and there wasn’t much to grab onto. They gave me Valium cuz the Novocain caused me to be jittery. So, a happy pill is a must when given Novocain!

It wasn’t nearly as torturous as when the county pulled tooth #18, which is what was pulled, according to the tooth numbering chart I looked up after reading what numbers they worked on that were written on a print-out of the account history. But it took forever! It took an hour for the fillings and another hour to make the pull. When I asked her how long it would take to pull it and she said she didn’t know, I thought, uh-oh! So after the fillings were in it was on to one hour of tugging, digging and drilling. This was the 7th tooth I’ve had to have pulled. My wisdom teeth all let go in seconds. The impacted baby tooth took just a few minutes. But the last two just didn’t want to let go!

They ended up giving the next patient a Starbucks GC cuz of how long it took to work on me. LOL, I always did say I was meant to profit others.

We only had to pay $106 for what came to $488 of dental work.

So now that the left side is done (except for the bridge that’s going in when my gums heal), next week they’ll tackle the right side and replace old fillings. That drill is absolutely deafening even to me. The staff is super nice, though. Oh, yeah, they just loved my funky nails and thought I was so “cute.”

I’m surprised they worked on #10. #19 had the super huge cavity and #12 was pulled, but I thought they worked on #13. The Novocain and happy pill worked really well seeing that I couldn’t tell where they were working. I asked why they hadn’t done the big cavity and they said they just did, LOL. It would’ve eventually become infected like the other one did. I didn’t keep waking up in pain like I did after the county pulled the infected one and I haven’t had to take anything since I got up. As long as I don’t bite down too hard, cuz the gums ache over there, I’m fine.

I had to bite down on gauze and put an ice pack on my swollen face for the first few hours after we returned home at around noon. I have to go back on the 19th for a checkup, plus whatever else they want to do at that time. I’m so glad I’m FINALLY getting this over with!

They were training a young girl who oversaw the extraction. It was the first one she’d ever seen. I asked if it grossed her out and she said no, she wasn’t usually grossed out by that sort of thing. That’s good cuz Tom would’ve passed right out on the floor, LOL.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2012 Dear busted tooth: In 8 hours your ugly Arsch will be outa my mouth. Never again can you torment me or cause me pain when I eat certain foods. Then as soon as my gums heal, something nicer-looking will take your place.

Meanwhile, I’ve been smoke-free for 15 years!!! My quit date was actually the 4th, I just forgot to mention it with other things going on to distract me. I was flattered when Christiane congratulated me on FB, but again I wonder just how reliable the “message read” indicator really is because again she appeared not to have picked up the message I sent yesterday. Could more people than I think have actually picked up messages that don’t appear to have been picked up? Maybe it’s the other way around, too. Maybe some of those that appear to have been read weren’t really read.

Time to get working out and then hit the shower.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2012 Tom was able to see the house yesterday but isn’t sure it’s what we want. We’re both going to see it next week after my dentist appointment. He said that for every old, ugly thing he saw, there was something gorgeously new and that it was the oddest mix of a place he’d ever seen. Where there were old, bare floors there was a brand-new dishwasher. He said the place was spacious enough, but if we got it we would have to do the carpet and flooring right away.

There were other weird things, too. It had a window AC, but an old downdraft cooler like we have here. The bedrooms are bigger but I hate that the windows in them are big. I never could understand why they bother with more than one small window in bedrooms. You’re supposed to be in there to sleep, not gaze out the window, right? Bigger windows would be more expensive to replace, too.

It has a $300 TV antenna on the roof and a fairly new refrigerator, but the fixtures, cabinets and countertops are kind of old.

I’ll have to see it to get a sense of just what we’re up against, but sometimes I think it may be better to keep saving for a newer place than to bother renovating old dumps. Yeah, I like the idea of making it exactly what we want it to be, but I’m sick of going from one dump to another. That’s the thing, though. The single-wides generally start at 3K while the doubles usually start at 10K. I’m open to a single-wide with an expando, but again, I’m sick of old crap! There’s gotta be an in-between. Something nicer but that isn’t on a more expensive lot so we wouldn’t have to risk our security. But we’re still a few grand from hitting that magic number that’s the starting point of the nicer doublewides. Really, though, I don’t want to live like a bum all of my life. I just don’t. Enough is enough already, and I think my husband and I both deserve better.

I also wish to hell I knew when the poodle was going to pay up, and how much, if anything at all. 2-3 grand wouldn’t make much difference, but as Tom said, we’d hate to be wrong and take this thing just to find out we’re really getting 5K from the poodle. If God makes sure my abuser leaves me nothing, then we could hit 10K on our own by the end of the year, depending on OT.

Nane said don’t take a place if I have any doubts and to wait for what feels right and all that. She has a definite point. Only problem is that what “feels right” is probably going to be either out of our league or suck every last dime out of us if it’s not. We don’t ever want to go back to living paycheck to paycheck.

I’ve been thinking of deleting Lori. She pesters me too much and I really get sick of her butting into so many of my conversations.

Later…

Lori has been deleted. I’m sure she’ll contact me through someone else or on my blog to ask what’s going on. The ugly ones always keep in touch while the hotties like Christiane ignore me. But the funny thing is that I know she’s reading my messages, some of which include my current story, thanks to that feature FB added that lets you know when messages have been picked up. I’m totally playing with her head, LOL, thanking her for blog comments she never left, etc. I don’t know how thoroughly she’s reading my messages, but why is she ignoring me? That much I don’t get. I told her to tell me if she doesn’t want to hear from me anymore and I will totally respect her wishes.

Anyway, when I hear from Lori via other means I’ll just play dumb and blame it on tech issues.

We discussed it some more and we decided not to bother with the house he last saw. It’s not only not what we want, but the roads in that particular park are just too damn narrow and the houses are set too close to the street. In the picture of the place was this strange black box right in front of it and we couldn’t figure out what it was till he got to the park. It’s to keep vehicles from backing up into it. He said he passed someone along the way and they both had to pull onto the shoulder, and while they did, he was just inches from the wall of one of the homes. To hell with that shit!

So we decided that since we’re so close to the magic number that would open up a world of additional and better options for us, we’re just going to save a few more grand and do it right. Nane’s words kept playing through my mind about not going with anything I had doubts about, and well, the last thing I want to do is go into a place with any doubts. So we’re gonna get it right and quit settling for old dumps. Yeah, we could fix them up to be exactly what we want, but not only are we kind of sick of having to play fix it, but Tom realized that he would have little to no time to oversee the work that was done in an old junker before we could move into it, like painting and laying down new carpet and flooring.

It would also come out to be the same cost-wise if we got a more expensive place closer to work than a cheaper one further away. Besides, Miss Doesn’t Know Money here got her facts wrong. For some reason, I thought we wouldn’t be able to save if we got a lot that rented for over $600 a month, but according to Tom’s calculations, we can go as high as $800 and still have money for other necessities, plus be able to save a decent amount each month. We just hope the OT doesn’t stop until after we move and get everything situated, though he will have to take some time off for the actual move itself. That’s ok, though, he’s got nearly 3 weeks off accumulated already. He still makes a lot of money without OT, thanks to his impressive work history, which quickly allowed him to be one of the top dogs there. But good things sometimes do come to an end, and so we will make sure our asses are covered in the event of a lay-off.

We were thinking about Oregon and wondering why we didn’t save there. We could’ve saved a fortune up there too, had I not been such a shopaholic! We both agree it was fun as hell while it lasted, and while they had the killer insurance and tax thing up there, he was making a lot of money where our rent was half of what it is now. We didn’t even have vehicle expenses there. Why register a vehicle when it’s a 6-minute walk to work and an 8-minute walk to the grocery store? A part of me misses it there and some of the people, though not the insurance, tax and climate deal. The 4342-thousand-foot-high little town was colder than MA! I still think of Jan, Randy and Liz at times and wonder how they’re doing.

Anyway, while it’s true that new pink carpet would be better than old tan carpet, getting a new place with newer stuff, even if all the colors aren’t my top choice, would still be nicer than having to deal with the hassles of renovating so much shit. I just can’t get into the “old dump” thing. Never have, never will. If I could, I’d be in love with this place. Even if I could keep a schedule and he had more free time, it would be such a pain to resurface old cabinets and replace cabinet doors, along with fixtures, windows and so many other things. All that money can be spent on a newer place that already has dual-paned windows and stuff like that.

So… we’re going first class! Well, more like second class instead of tenth class. :) looks upwards Yeah, God, you ain’t gonna hold me back and keep me in dumps forever. It just may take us 3-6 more months to get out of here.

Don’t laugh but we had to fire up the heater early yesterday morning now that we’re hitting down in the low 50s to high 40s at night. From 3am - 9am it’s pretty chilly in here, though great for sleeping and working out.

Norma explained to me how we’re related because I honestly didn’t know. We’re cousins because my dad’s mother’s sister and Norma’s mother were sisters.

The net went down hard yesterday and Tom had to call the incompetent assholes. I guess a technician will be out tomorrow unless, as usual, they discover the error is on their end. They love to cross the wires at their office whenever someone disconnects or activates service in the area. They still love to shut us down for a while just before 7:30 pm and early in the morning, too.

The more I learn about my mother the more I wonder just how “great” of a guy my dad really was. He was always a million times better than my mom, but still, what kind of man allows his wife to treat his kids the way we were treated? He knew. He had to have known what was going on. Yet what kind of guy simply shrugs and looks the other way? Accepting those we love as they are should end with child abuse, shouldn’t it?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2012 Andy is really sick at times. Just sick. Sometimes I wonder if something’s wrong with him or if he just has a totally gross, sick and twisted sense of humor. He took a picture of his shit sitting in the toilet and emailed it to me. Now why in the world would he even think for a minute that I want to see his shit? Really, what is wrong with him? And why is it so damn hard to not send me things he knows either gross me out or that I’m just not interested in?

I can’t believe there’s such a thing as Simple Assault. What in the world is “simple” about assault???

It’s nice to have my cousins Sharyn, Michelle and Norma added on Facebook and a part of my life. Sometimes our extended family can be a lot nicer than our immediate family. At least some of them, anyway.

Just like some people are addicted to drugs while others are addicted to porn, I’m definitely addicted to languages. I haven’t yet decided what I want to make language #8 be. So far I range from knowledgeable to fluent in sign language, Spanish, Italian, German, Portuguese and Esperanto. The possible languages I may study include French, Hindi, Urdu, Hawaiian and Russian. I’m not going to decide till we’re back on cable and away from this crappy DSL deal. For the most part, I may end up fluent in a few, but knowledgeable in many.

Tom has an appointment to check out the house we found yesterday that seemed promising, on his way home from work. I’m excited, though trying not to get my hopes up too much. The woman showing it has flown in from South Carolina. Her mother lived there until she died.

I left Paula a message but never heard back from her. Hmm… now I’m starting to wonder if she is in jail. Wish I knew how to get ahold of her son.

I unblocked Tammy’s brood to see if they reach out to me when they see any posts I put on her wall which would now be visible to them depending on how Tammy has her page set up, but if there’s any drama I’m so gone. There’s been nothing yet, though.

My Reading reader returned but only for a second. I still don’t know who it could be, but I still think it’s someone I know.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2012 I always said that 4 was an unlucky number. Well, today, the 4th, the park gave us bad news. The fucking scamming management company up in Oregon is going to hold us back after all. Why they waited this long to tell us after they just told us to stop by sometime to see what’s available, is beyond me, but it really pisses me off.

I tell you, something up there does not want us owning again. No, it wants us to live in someone else’s little shitbox that costs hundreds of dollars more a month than necessary and comes with part-time Internet service. Every night at 7:30 they’ve been turning us on and off and on and off.

We only speculate it’s the scammers in Oregon. It could actually be something a whole lot worse, like identity theft for thousands of dollars. Tom only pulled up his credit report with one agency. Who knows who they used until he talks to them and finds out exactly what’s going on. He intends to dispute it, but what good would that do? The bastard above will continue to use whatever/whoever He can to hold us back like He always does. Sure the “sardine” park will take us with no questions asked, but why move from one place we don’t want to be to another place we don’t want to be just because we can and it’d be better than nothing?

He said he’d still ask them about outright sales. This was an application for a loan from the park if we decided on a more expensive place, not to buy a place outright. Besides, our credit isn’t as bad as we thought it was; just not great. Still, if they found something we don’t know about, we want to know what it is. Really wish they hadn’t waited so damn long to tell us, though.

Then Tom came into the room and said he found an estate sale wanting cash only in a 55+ park that’s family-owned vs. the corporation the other park is part of. It’s in a different town, even closer to work, and I can’t deny it seems like a helluva deal. That’s how I know we won’t get it. Nothing up there would be that nice to us so I’m sure it will be gone by tomorrow. Tom’s still going to give it a try and call them tomorrow.

No point in going over the ins and outs of this place since we probably won’t get it, but I will say that I love how the back of it is by a freeway instead of other backyards. I’d love to be backed up against a freeway cuz it would act like a sound machine of sorts and help mask any car door slamming. When a place is predominantly quiet and then you hear something here and there, it makes it stand out even more. Freeways are a fairly steady sound, sort of like a fan, that has never bothered me like barking, screaming kids and car stereos.

If we can get anyone to accept us other than the sardine park, we decided to go with old and cheap vs. new and not so cheap. That way we not only save a few hundred on the lot rental, but we can make it exactly what we want it to be. Brand new tan carpet is better than old, worn tan carpet, but tan is not what I want. I want pink! It will be like a work of art in a sense as the plan is to remodel everything from top to bottom. New windows, carpet, counters, paint, fixtures… and if necessary, new sink, toilet and finishing for tubs and cabinets. You can resurface old ugly tubs and shower stalls with what’s called a shell. We might even have to do the roof, too. But – and it still shocks the shit outa me to be able to say this – we’ll easily be able to afford to do this in a few months or less.

Later…

Some people have asked why spend money on fixing up an older place when we can spend the money on a newer place, and well, it all comes down to lot rent and utilities. We can afford to pay a lot more than we’re paying here, but we’ve become security freaks after the hell we’ve been through in the past. The way to get security is to get a place that doesn’t suck every last dime out of you. The pricier places are on $850 lots that don’t include sewer and trash. The place we’re hoping to get is on a lot that’s about $600 a month, and all we’d have to pay would be gas and electricity. Maybe water too, but I’m not sure.

My new Austrian friend, who is a teacher, has been teaching me even more German. Just reading her wall posts makes it so that I can’t help but learn more vocabulary.

Got a message from Paula but she got cut off. I’ll call her tomorrow. She’s obviously not in jail, something that brings me mixed emotions. Unless the sentencing has been delayed or something, I’m happy as hell for her but pissed off for myself and made to feel even more hated from above and singled out. Whether you actually committed the crime or are being set up, who in their right mind wouldn’t agree that violence should earn you more jail time than words on paper? Sticks and stones may break our bones but words can never hurt us, right? Especially if we’re full-grown adults? But right or wrong, violence isn’t taken very seriously in this country.

On the flip side, it’s nice to know that if someone ever pissed me off bad enough or it was the only way to get them off my back, I could beat the snot out of them and expect little to no punishment so long as I wasn’t in Arizona or Texas. I would prefer no one to ever set me off that bad, though, or to become such a problem that the only way to scare them off was to beat them out of my life for good.

Tom has to work Saturday again, but they gave him Tuesday off so he can take me to the dentist that day. He won’t mind, though. He gets to sit in the massage chair they have while I’m being drilled, poked and pulled, and watch movies on their 60-million-inch TV. :)

Just like alcoholics can’t always quit on their own and sometimes need help, I think I’m going to have to get help with my weight. I’m not just struggling to get the weight off, I’m struggling to stop more from coming on! :( After my teeth are dealt with, the first thing to do would be to make sure nothing’s wrong like a wacky thyroid or something else. If not, then as Tom said, we could see a nutritionist or even afford Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or whatever. If nothing’s wrong, I hope they can figure out a way for me to be able to have 1200-1500 calories a day and still lose. Right now the only way down the scale is 1000 a day and that’s like starving. I can do it some days here and there, but I simply can’t stand the hunger and fatigue of doing it day after day after day. I’m hoping there’s a “magic combo” of foods that when thrown together into a dietary menu, will be the proper formula for more effective weight loss. I always thought a calorie was a calorie whether it’s from chocolate or fish, but I guess certain calories are harder to burn. I’m hoping they can put together a more effective regimen that will allow me to lose without feeling like I’m going to die of hunger. I expect some hunger and sluggishness, but not to the point that I feel as if I haven’t eaten in years. If no one can help me then I might very well gain 10 pounds a year for the rest of my life. :(

I’m going one priority at a time, catching up on bodily repairs that have been neglected anywhere from 1999-2004. I know I should have a female exam, but eh, fuck it. After I get my teeth pulled I will then know if it’s necessary to see an ear doctor for my artificial ear canal. If it turns out it was the teeth and we can keep it clean on our own, then why bother? Chances are it will need to be professionally cleaned once or twice a year, though. Next up will be the eye doctor. Whoever does my physical about my weight can probably diagnose my sleep thing. That only takes a blood or urine test.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2012 There isn’t much in the way of Internet service here at night lately. Starting at around 7pm they turn us on and off all night long, so I’m only going to go on once more to post this when I’m ready to if I can get on long enough to do it. After being out and about dealing with people most of the day I don’t need to come home just to do the same thing anyway. I’m going to just relax with writing and reading for most of the night. Maybe finish the Chinese food I got at Safeway’s buffet that’s pretty good, too.

So while I sit here wondering if Paula, the man beater, is in jail tonight (I doubt it since she’s not in AZ or TX and this country considers thoughts and words to speak louder than actions), I can say that the dentist appointment went well. Yay for me.

The staff was very friendly and it does look like my teeth will be salvageable after all. It’s just going to take half a dozen appointments and probably a couple of grand of work to do it, but our insurance covers 80% of it. They’re going to tackle the left side first cuz that side’s worse. All in all, I’m looking at 1 cleaning, 1 pull, 1 bridge and a million fillings. Then I can just go every 6 months for a regular cleaning. My soft tissue around the gums, cheeks and lips looks just fine and my BP is fine too, at 130 over 80.

Next Tuesday morning they’re going to do a cleaning, though not a deep cleaning, and fill the back bottom molar in. Then they’ll pull the “problem child” which is the tooth that died and broke up on top. It’s the I-tooth next to the molar where the retaining wire used to be cemented in behind the teeth. She was confused at first as to the little lump on it which is leftover resin. They may or may not remove the bottom wire. I’ve got a lot of calcium buildup there which makes cleaning harder. We’ll decide later on whether or not to remove it. So Tuesday she’ll pull what’s left of the broken tooth and maybe do another filling or two along with that back molar. After another week or two, they will do the bridge/crowns and finish filling whatever else needs to be filled. I have several old fillings that are cracked that will need replacing.

For today they just did x-rays, and gum measurements, and then decided on a game plan.

My teeth are yellow again too, so she recommended I start with Crest Whitening Strips. I never considered that because I didn’t think anything over the counter would be all that effective, but she did say that I could have them whitened if I wasn’t happy with the results. It’s not covered by insurance, but we can afford the $250 it’d cost. That’s what the new mattress cost. The last time I had them whitened I did it at home using trays. This was way back in 2002.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2012 Ended up contacting Andy, Sharyn, Polly and Ruth on FB, but none of them has seen my message. The child-woman apparently hasn’t yet either. Well, she’s either ignoring it or I don’t understand how Pinterest works.

I really hope that if we don’t actually move this month we will at least have a place picked out and that the sale will be in the works. I was really hoping to get out of here by November and it’s too bad we probably won’t. I’ve lived here enough years to know that that’s when the Jes pest and his mutts get noisier. They’ve already started up with the chainsaws, though I’m not hearing them every day, and they’re not all Jesse’s.

Still a little worried about vehicles in the park waking me up when I’m on nights there and people hanging out gabbing and distracting me when I’m on days and trying to work, but the small sound machine should take care of the little sounds. It’s the bigger sounds I worry about more, like car doors slamming close by or delivery and trash trucks. Tom thinks I’ll be just fine and yes, I’m probably just worrying for nothing, which is quite understandable. Even though he can keep a schedule and is far from a light sleeper, it’s going to seem weird to both of us at first being wedged into a park like that after being secluded in the woods for so long.

Whatever downfalls the place may have – and no place is perfect – I think it will be totally worth it. Just to own a place of our own again without having to worry about pesky landlords, although Jesse’s left us alone for months now, is going to be so wonderful. To be able to do any non-urgent repairs, upgrades or other household projects at our own leisure will also be wonderful.

We’ll probably end up with something in between a single-wide and a double-wide. We’re considering a single-wide with a pop-out, as many of them have in the park. That way it will still have 2 beds/2 baths, but each room will be a little bigger. It will still be small as a whole but should be plenty sufficient enough while costing us less each month both in lot rent as well as cooling/heating. The 12’ single-wides really are a lot roomier than 10’ single-wides when you think about it. If you stood in this room I’m in and envisioned it a couple of feet wider and without the “square” that houses the hot water tank, which they started putting in the bathroom in the 70s, it really would make a huge difference.

I’m also glad to learn they started treating the wood in the 70s in Cali instead of continued using raw wood like they did in the 60s, thus giving the place a “rotting” smell to it. Every time I go in the closet or open a drawer it smells like old, rotting wood.

Been loving the hot weather, but it looks like we’ll definitely be shutting windows at night by the end of the week. When the nights dip under the 60s is when it can end up pretty chilly in here come early morning.

Later…

Fucking phony bitch! Not only did Maliheh pick up the journal entries I sent her (it was TIP-rigged), but she also changed her profile pic on FB. So there’s no doubt that she’s not only alive but also getting my messages and just blowing me off.

Even though she knows my mother was a bitch, what kind of “friend” doesn’t have the decency to at least send a quick message? And what would be wrong with a quick message once a week saying, “I don’t want to chat right now, but I’m fine and hope you are too?”

I really, really think she only chose to be my friend to keep her name out of my book and out of my blog. Maybe a part of her felt guilty for what she did in the past, but just the fact that she did do what she did makes the way our “friendship” has turned out less of a surprise. I should’ve figured that after a few months she’d drift away enough to keep me pretty much out of her life, but without dumping me. Maybe one of these days she will dump me and maybe I’ll never hear from her again at some point. Just her refusal to add me on FB was enough to make me doubt her sincerity. She’s not obligated to be my friend, though. So if her heart isn’t into it, and it’s obviously not, why doesn’t she just say so?

I feel like our “friendship” is way too one-sided. Ah, but I’m not gonna let her in on what I know. Instead, I’m going to make her wait a few months to hear from me when she sends a message. We’ll see how she likes me coming around when I happen to feel like it and not when she wants me to. I’m sick of running to her the instant she contacts me while she keeps me hanging for weeks or even months when I contact her. Time to give what I get!

Andy said the only reason he didn’t tell me about his Facebook account was that I said I basically only hung onto my own account there cuz of Nane, and because he’s only been a member for a short time and isn’t at all impressed with it. That’s true. I saw his sign-up date was August 15th, and who else do I really care to keep in touch with that much besides Nane?

What pisses me off is that he didn’t get the message I sent him. Then when I think of how Sharyn tried to send a message that wouldn’t go through it all makes me wonder how many other messages I’ve sent that no one will get. One time I thought it weird that Christiane would ignore one of my messages, though she did read my last one. Well, maybe she didn’t get it. And maybe Sharyn, Polly and Ruth won’t get mine either.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2012 I really REALLY hope dentist day isn’t allergy day. But I counted the days and I’m right about due for the next attack come Wednesday. It’d be really hard on me to have to go to the dentist while I’m struggling not to sneeze my ass off. Tom thinks it’s something in these woods and that I’ll be ok when we move. Well, we’re not moving this year so if he’s right I’ve still got lots of sneezing and runny noses ahead of me.

We continue not to find the perfect, or near-perfect place, yet our money continues to grow. Tom’s to call the park people today. Even if they turn us down for a loan on a more expensive place, we’ve now got enough money to buy something less expensive outright. Most parks require you to make at least 3 times the rent. Well, the most the lot we end up on will probably be $600 a month and he makes way more than that. He doesn’t get how the company can afford to pay him so much and why they’d want to pay him 46K a year to do such tedious jobs that could be done in more sufficient ways, thus saving the company money. We would still think that sooner or later they’ll stop working their employees 10-12 hours a day, 6 days a week at which time they’d be paying him 30-something grand a year, but that’s enough for two low-maintenance people with not many expenses. Plus, he’s still got lots of vacation time accumulated and great benefits.

We just don’t get why people would want to lease cars and have to make payments every month when you can buy something used for 3-5 grand that will be plenty sufficient and comfortable enough. Our 1994 car may not have all the bells and whistles of modern vehicles, but it’s comfy and has been good to us since we got it in 2007, it’s not a gas-guzzler, and it doesn’t come with payments attached to it. We own it free and clear. All we pay for is gas and insurance. Tom does his own car maintenance and repairs, which has cost very little so far.

Andy and I were talking about the prospect of Israel and Iran really getting into it and he went on to say something about the New Testament saying Israel would be destroyed and that the rest of the world would suffer and all that, and I’m like, to each their own in their thinking and beliefs, but as far as I’m concerned all the various bibles are hogwash. They’re not “God’s” word, but the word of the women/gay-hating fanatics that wrote it. It is simply their beliefs and opinions, but not necessarily facts. Until God jumps down from the sky, shakes my hand and introduces Himself to me, I cannot assume for a fact that God exists. I suspect there’s a higher power of some kind(s) both good and bad, but I cannot believe what I haven’t actually seen. Same with what happens to us when we die. We can speculate. We can theorize. But we cannot know until we’re dead.

Many people believed the world would end in 1999. They were wrong. Many people believe it will end this year. I’d say there’s a damn good chance they’ll be wrong, too. I don’t doubt that Israel and Iran will continue to pick on each other, though. They always have so why would they stop now? But just because they may kill each other doesn’t mean it’ll affect us. At least I don’t see how it could anymore than I can see how it would affect those in California if some wife beats her husband to death in Japan. Or even if some man burns someone’s house down in Chicago. As I also told him, though, why worry until and if something actually happens that does affect us?

Later…

Should I be pissed that Andy joined Facebook 6 weeks ago and never told me? Well, I surprised him by letting him know I accidentally found him. I linked from Sharyn to Norma to him after Sharyn left the sweetest comment on my blog. I’m guessing Andy didn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to add me and let his sisters (and possibly others) know we’re friends. He probably doesn’t know you can hide friends from other friends. I’ve still got Tom hidden from everyone not just to keep him safe from trolls, but because the guy isn’t into the online social scene. He only joined FB for contests.

About a month ago someone anonymously asked why I went private on FB. I do this every now and then if I feel my friends are a little too exposed to the public as their comments add up. I know I can’t protect them from the world, nor is it my duty to, but Molly and Kim are still out there and they’ll never change. They’ve backed off somewhat, but they’re still there. Although quick and quiet, Molly still peeks in on my blog and I’m sure Kim still is too, but is disabling cookies or having her “sources” check me out for her. Anyway, I wonder if he was the one who asked why I went private on FB, though I had assumed it was Kim or Molly, but probably Kim. Andy swears he doesn’t ask me things anonymously, but who knows?

Sharyn left a message on my blog saying she tried to write to me but couldn’t get through. She says she’s so sorry for what I went through. This was on an entry sharing my hate for my uncles, though one is now dead. She said: BTW, your shitty uncle Marty tried to pick me up on the streets when I was 15… until he realized it was me.

Now, why oh why doesn’t this surprise me?

Anyway, I replied to her comment, sent her a friend invite and a message, and we’ll see if she gets it.

The original plan was to let Jennifer have it for accepting her 15% when she knows she shouldn’t, or I at least hope she knows she shouldn’t. I was also going to give Larry’s child-woman a heads up about her Romeo through a friend of hers since she can’t be contacted directly, and then I was going to let Polly and Ruth know just what I think of them and Marty, dead or not. I know that anything I do will get back to Tammy and I’m ok with that because Tammy can no longer go running to Mom and Dad and start a family feud much like Larry did years ago. All she can do is not like it. So I don’t have a problem with people going to Tammy, and I already warned her that since they couldn’t go whining to Mom and Dad, they would be going to her.

But then I unblocked Lisa’s account long enough to see who was on her friend list and was surprised to see she was connected to Jennifer. I can’t tell if she’s connected to Larry because the bastard blocked me. If I go off on Jennifer, then she’ll end up dragging Lisa into it as well as Tammy. I mean, I can’t believe she wouldn’t mention it to Lisa, and I know Lisa would certainly mention it to Tammy. Well, I’d like to try to keep it so that people only go running to Tammy. Besides, Jennifer didn’t ask or demand to be included in the will.

I’m also not sure I should waste time on Larry’s child-woman. I wouldn’t mind letting her know that she’s foolish to think Larry won’t trade her in for a newly minted coochie once hers gets older like he did with his ex, knowing how it’d piss Larry off, but I also don’t want them making trouble for me over it. With the little bastard about to drop into the world anytime now, hopefully they won’t have much time to pick on me. I don’t know her well, but neither of them strikes me as the type to go Molly or Kim on me. But I knew that going through Stefanie’s friends might make her harass my friends, so I dropped her a link on Pinterest to her own special blog post I wrote for her, LOL.

Tammy surprised me with a message on Facebook today. I didn’t expect her back till Wednesday, but she arrived, tired but glad to be home. I don’t blame her! At least now she’ll never have to see or speak to Larry again. Unless by some miracle they patched things up and are actually getting along now. Well, she can do what she wants, but I don’t want anything to do with the bastard. He’ll only end up making me wish I could race across the country and strangle him. Tammy and Sharyn are one thing but I don’t want much contact with other family members, not because I don’t like them (some of them) or anything like that, but because that way there’s less chance of any drama.

What didn’t surprise me was that only 16 people showed up at the services held for Mom, and 5 were Tammy’s friends. How the hell did she get so many friends in Florida anyway? LOL Then there was Walter, Mark, and the pervert himself (at least he had the decency to leave the child-woman home). Wonder who the other 8 people were. Then again, do I really care?

The best news is that it looks like we got accepted into the park! We’re going to check out what’s for sale there real soon.

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