#I love them but I’m also terrified
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Hello! Doodle dump!!
These were all meant to be quick doodles but I’m really slow at drawing and I got carried away a little for the first one 😭
This wasn’t supposed to be a t1 guilties collection but here we are lmao
I love them :,) the sillies
#the 03 and 08 siblings got me so aufndk#I love them but I’m also terrified#so many mixed feelings#milgram#fuuta kajiyama#mikoto kayano#milgram fanart#amane momose#mahiru shiina#milkly art
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I love Mika Seraph of the End he’s my little guy my tortured soul my sad little blorbo my pookie I love him so so much I would buy him a swing set and take him to Disney World and let him drink my blood and make him chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese and I would hug him and kiss his forehead and give him all the love in the world GOD I love this stupid little vampire I kind of want to hit him with my car
#mika hyakuya#mikaela hyakuya#owari no seraph#seraph of the end#I have cuteness aggression for my pookies#I LOVE HIM SO MUCH#vampires terrify me but I’m also so so enamored by them for some reason#in a horrifyingly fascinated sort of way#let me write about Mika PLEASE
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okay but what if season 2 comes and we get queerbaited and cherry and joe never date and reki and langa end up being "best friends"
Now why would you say that.
Repent. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did.
#sk8 the infinity#ask#listen okay I’m not Actually expecting any pairings to be made canon tbh#would I be delighted???? ecstatic?????? so happy I could and would cry?????#absolutely#but the beauty of sk8 is that they are already so so in love#even if they don’t kiss#*gritting teeth*#it’s in the ‘I want to skate with you infinitely’ and the ‘we’re not alone Kaoru’#while sk8 has its Many flaws I trust them not to take that away from us#also this is probably just me being aro/aceish but if the pair isn’t Best Friends I don’t want it#however#I am still terrified someone hold my hand
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some tragic love stories be like: if i could bottle the galaxy, i would pour it into a cup so it would be easier for you to drink. do you want them? do you want the stars? or do they suit you better as adornments for your eyes than glitter on your lips?
but they don’t want the stars. they don’t want the galaxy. but how can they not? is that not enough? (it’s too much, that’s the problem. it’s too much.)
#ney's idle chatter (random textposts)#me trying and failing to capture why hadestown has embodied Love in a way i don’t think i’m really capable of comprehending fr#but also this can be about whatever blorbo you want#when i think about that one line in chant#when hades says ‘brighter than the light of day’#‘look. look at what i can make for you—see?’#meanwhile the last thing persephone wants is to be reminded of this hollow echo of what their love is in her memories#when i think about that scene when eurydice tells orpheus they need to get food#but he’s working on his song and she makes the choice to trust him and go#to work harder and longer and search for things to feed them and trust he’ll bring spring back#THE WAY PERSEPHONE TRIES TO KISS HADES GOODBYE AT THE START WHEN SHE COMES BACK FOR SUMMER#AND HOW IT PARALLELS EURYDICE KISSING ORPHEUS GOODBYE WHEN SHE GOES TO LOOK FOR FOOD#and hades pulls away. because she’s leaving him and he’s terrified. he’s terrified and turns it into anger because otherwise he’s helpless.#and orpheus doesn’t respond when eurydice leaves because he’s working—he’s working and he’s going to give her what he promised.#but she needs his help. she needs his help now—she needs his support and he isn’t there.#thinking about the moment she takes the ticket from hades and#it almost implies she starves. that she dies. that she starves to death trying to find food for them both#i promise you however unhinged i seem about this musical i am being purposefully restrained so i don’t spam you all too much orz#holy SHIT these tags are LONG#even for me this is ridiculous there’s a whole other post down here#high five to you for reading it ig damn#hadestown
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Why did I get all the math and science mutuals you guys SCARE ME
#sillyposting#shitposting actually#anyway#I am in awe of your huge brains#but also terrified of the computing power you hold within them#I see numbers and I want to throw up#the fight or flight kicks in#my eyes glaze over#I get flashbacks to a terrible time#it’s the Great War of 2013 (I am failing my math class)#I cannot escape the numbers#they know where I sleep (my 15000 alarms)#will I ever know peace?#no. not with y’all here. disturbing my peace.#what the FUCK is a Han Xin code Wathav#I’m SCARED#(again this is a shitpost I genuinely love your interests even if I personally can’t compute them LMAO)#at least without handholding#I would genuinely like an explanation if you’d like to infodump#ooh secret code I would love to learn about the theory of it all
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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.
#I didn’t think such a thing was possible#I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art#like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain#and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace#(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead#and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing#because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all#so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance#but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t#push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and#to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it#I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good#like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking#and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now#(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise#and it’s WORKING#because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage#but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second#this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening#but it is what happening#a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible
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For any Nevermoor fans that've ever been interested in getting their hands on the UK hardcover editions of the series, with the wonderful cover designs..... I think they might be out of print (which. makes sense with the gold foil) so. goodluck and godspeed for finding them secondhand, because it was surprisingly hard to do online.
#nevermoor#full disclosure I discovered this like a month ago but wanted to wait until all of mine arrived correctly to share just in case 🫣🫣🫣#I was terrified they’d send paperbacks or non-UK editions instead lol#I now have three sets of first three books. mental illness. can silverborn come out already 😭😭😭#afaik the wundersmiths are still in stock officially just based on some wording the supply is dwindling lol#got nevermoor and wundersmith in the mail the other day as I posted about. 😁.#hollowpox arrived today from a different seller and with less damage from the transit but oh well#bc one seller had 1 and 2 while another had 3. 🤷😔 lol#they do seem to be in stock signed! normally + used but I didn’t want that bc I think the neon plain sprayed edges are soooo ugly I’m sorry#also I’d love to get my books signed personally one day. all….. nine and counting of them…… lolllll….#I have the american hollowpox signed bc I got it thru the owlcrate box which was fun!#RIP to chances of a silverborn box though now that owlcrate jr is discontinued 😭😭😭
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Night at the Museum: Redesigning Characters 1/4(?)
Character profile: Frank "Noses" Capone
This character is based off of and takes inspiration from the historical Frank Capone.
Real Name: Salvatore "Frank" Capone
Nickname and Meaning: Noses - He got this nickname from being inquisitive and being unafraid to stick his nose into other people's business, even if it gets him into trouble.
Age: 28 (July 16, 1895)
Time Period: Frank is from America's Prohibition in the 1920s, to be exact, hes from April 1st, 1924 Chicago, just before he and a group of Mafioso's went to the polling station near the Western Electric Hawthorn plant.
Family: James "Jimmy" Vincenzo Capone, Raffaele "Ralph" James Capone, and Alphonse "Al" Gabriel Capone + Three younger brothers and one sister that wasn't brought back.
(Headcanons under the cut)
Based on/taken from History:
involved in the Five Points Gang with mobster John Torrio as a kid
Rumored to be queer because he never had an open interest in women/having sex with women like his brothers
Had a kid??? But then took it away from his fiancé??
Nickname was Noses?
Smartest of the eldest Capones
Killed when 70 plain clothes police officers arrived at W 22nd St & S Cicero Ave, Cicero, IL 60804 on April 1st, 1924. He didn’t have time to pull his gun out and was shot so many times, two other bystanders were killed/injured
described as mild-mannered, intelligent and immaculately-dressed
Thought to have ordered 500 deaths since joining the Chicago outfit (1919-1921 to 1924)
“you never get no talk back from a corpse”
+ Intelligent + Social + Hard-working - Quick to anger - Unstable moods
My own silly headcanons:
Can be level-headed, but usually his anger gets the best of him.
His presence calms Al down a lot. His brother really loves him and missed Frank. Frank reminds Al of simpler times when they’d run errands for their old boss Torrio… now Al’s boss.
Represented by clover/clubs. The club symbol represents the summer season and the earth element. The club suit in cards indicates youth, a phase when a person focuses on education, and recklessness.
Frank has matching pins with Al, Jimmy, and Ralph, each brother taking a playing card suit. The brothers made them together with old scrap metal they found in the Navy yard.
Sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong. He likes putting himself in the middle of gossip circles. When he’s not purposefully antagonizing Napoleon to get a reaction, they get along really well because of this.
Wiggles his nose when he thinks hard
Tallest of the Capone brothers (6’1)
Broken out of the museum in search of the closest liquor store out of pure boredom. They tried to pay with greyscale $50s and promptly got kicked out.
A little bit of a sadist.
Gets very violent when he’s upset and enjoys it. Frank doesn’t usually feel bad about his previous actions
Frank: My furby died in my arms when I was a child Ivan: I’m sorry to hear that..? Frank, grinning and joking slightly: Don’t be. I’ve never felt more like a god.
He’d be on Booktok
Like his brothers, Frank will flirt with anyone. Unlike his brothers, Frank is mostly doing it to tease and have fun.
Sucker for hallmark movies
Jerma vibes
His ears turn red when he lies (credit to @frombottlealleytotheharbor for this one)
Frank’s Tommy is a replica whereas his Smith & Wesson Model 10 is from a photo/cutout. His Tommy doesn’t work at all, but his handgun can- he just doesn’t have any bullets.
The Model 10 is named Peggy and the Tommy is Doll
….. don’t call him Frankie unless your family.
Jimmy Consentini belongs to @all-yn-oween. I had to draw him and Frank together because (I think) they both have two-piece suits.
Plain clothes Napoleon is inspired by this and something I have scheduled.
Al, Ralph, Napoleon
#Frank Capone natm#Frank Capone#NATM#natm au#night at the museum ocs#night at the museum#Night at the museum 2#Night at the museum battle of the Smithsonian#NATM 2#Al Capone#Al Capone natm#please add on your own headcanons onto this#I’d love to read them!!#A little off topic#he’s been haunting my dreams#I’ve been so nervous to go see where he died he’s been entering my very lucid dreams#He’s genuinely scary#don’t like him currently#doesn’t mean he’s not my baby girl still#just#that’s he’s fucking terrifying#Mf been standing over me#(i have really bad anxiety and it makes me hallucinate when I’m stressed)#Apr. 1#2024#Apr. 2024#this also slightly feels like the Thomas Jeffferson Miku binder post and I’m really fucking nervous about posting this.#just because of that#I just want to make refs for characters I like and chatter about#Queued post!
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no because the way my grandma died 8 or so years ago and I still think of her multiple times a week is crazy.. it’s almost every day. I see her everywhere, I suppose because I’m looking for her in everything .. I miss her a lot .
#I see a magpie on my route to work and think of her . I’ve started seeing so many of them#I always count them and wonder what it means when I see so many of them#but maybe .. realistically… I’m just noticing them more#I don’t know .. they remind me of her though#she was terrified of birds (I am somewhat scared of them too) but she always liked magpies#there was one that visited her kitchen window often so she would feed it crumbs#I always thought how beautiful it is that someone so scared of something can also show such love and affection towards that very thing#a#m
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do you ever go do autism crazy for something you can feel it in ur chest. like it’s hard to breathe almost it’s making you gasp for breath and jump around physically. got an adrenaline rush thinking abt Kirigiri.
#GODDDDD. I LOVE HER SM AUTISM WOMAN.#I go insane thinking abt her and her life and how she develops in THH and past it#and how Makoto and her literally bring out the best AND worst in each other#and her narrative parallels w Byakuya. the way they’re so similar that they’re hypocrites for disliking each other#at first and then the way they’re indispensable in that they’re they only other one that Understands why they’re like that#I cannot word my thoughts for her nearly as coherently unfortunately so no paragraphs tonight. I’m just going to start growling like a dog#the way she fucking commands so much respect and control and how strong she is#and the fact that she is constantly reinforcing that strength by shoring up any weakness or vulnerability with terrifying effectiveness#that leaves her invulnerable but completely alone. and for a long time that seemed like a good thing#and she may even believe it is#but you hear the way she talks about her father and you realize she’s HUMAN. she doesn’t want to be an island all the time.#she has emotions just like anyone else and being viewed as though she doesn’t is incredibly alienating and reinforces her isolation#if she really didn’t care she wouldn’t still be mad that her father left her alone. it wouldn’t still pick at her the way it does#it wouldn’t drive her to abandon the entire purpose of her family by revealing herself as the Ultimate Detective in order to get to him#and then there’s Makoto and Byakuya challenging those aspects of her all over again#Byakuya sees the worst of her. he believes what she puts forth as herself and sees that ruthless cold efficiency#and he isn’t wrong to believe those things. as much as she wears a mask it isn’t fake that she has those qualities#but then comes Makoto who doesn’t see through her mask either but chooses to believe she must be human somewhere even if he’s not sure#he continues to trust her with absolutely no reason to and it feeds into her own ruthless efficiency by making him her Guinea out of sorts#but it also means there’s someone on the shoreline of her island. they want to come in. Will she let them?#that island is painful but not more painful than being vulnerable.#hhhh#I’m crazy
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#christmas is always a letdown for me#for many reasons#and holidays this year have been really awkward and weird and uncomfortable#but today wasn’t hell - not like I was expecting#so I guess that’s a win#my older sister and I don’t speak all that much anymore#but her girlfriend is sweet#she thinks of me when it comes to food#veg friendly things always#unlike my mother who couldn’t even bother if she tried - which is whatever now I deal#but the girl can fucking C O O K like I’m stuffed#anyways - happy it’s over now#and glad to be back home because breaking out in hives is no fun#(thankful I’m a cat person because pretty sure I’ve grown allergic to doggos)#I love them tho so it’s okay#buddy in his bruins jersey is gross and I love his dumb ears#gonna go die now bye!#also peep the terrifier hoodie 😭#mine
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I’ve always felt like my relationship with romantic love was so different from everyone else’s, in some ways I feel the same as when I was a teenager because it’s never felt like it could be fully real to me. I genuinely believe I have qualities of a loveable person but that I will never find someone compatible with me, like all the minimum conditions will never be met. And honestly the barrier of anxiety has always been higher than the reward of going on apps and dates after a month or so.
When I was in my one and only relationship years ago I really hoarded and treasured every little moment and nice thing because I thought I would never experience it again (and so far I’ve been right). Even though I don’t even miss that person and it was short, I’m happy that I treasured that little opportunity to experience what I feel like will never be real for the adult me. I want that kind of love but I never expect it to become real for me specifically.
#it makes me feel like I was born wrong because I know I’m conventionally attractive and I can play nice with different kinds of people#I’m not asexual or aromantic but a secret third weirder thing#my only relationship was very situational and would’ve never happened if he didn’t do everything tbh#I want love but I refuse to settle I’m terrified of settling. and I’m also good enough but not right for anyone.#I refuse to feel like I’m reaching below me to find love because honestly it would destroy me#but I also feel like everyone I’m really attracted to is hopelessly above me and I’ll never reach them
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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HALLELUJAH ART CRITIQUE WENT WELL FOR ONCE
#it was terrifying cause we had to get up in front of the class individually#usually we go in groups of four#but not this time#also we got a whole lot of freedom with this project#our professor gave us words to choose from#then told us to draw what we associated with them#I got grotesque and lovely#and actually had a lot of fun with it#my professor actually really liked it#and my classmates loved it#y’all my projects are NEVER loved or complimented#they’re the most critiqued ones#but today I hardly got any critiques#and the ones I got I recognized on my own beforehand but didn’t have the time to fix them#guess I’m actually improving!#yay!#trin rambles
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2024 reads / storygraph
Asking For A Friend
middle grade contemporary about a kid who’s been lying to their mum about having friends so she doesn’t worry about them - since they lost their only friend when they came out
but when she saves up to throw them a 13th birthday party - suddenly they have to try befriend the kids they’ve been pretending are their friends
they quickly discover that making friends is easier than they thought - especially when discovering they’re all queer - but their anxiety increases as the little lies keep building up
nonbinary bi ace MC, trans, lesbian, genderqueer side characters; discussions of mental health issues, single parents, and foster care
#asking for a friend#ronnie riley#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#a lovely middle grade book about friendship and anxiety#it’s definitely like omg nooo stop digging yourself into this hole with the lies! but also emphasises that the genuine connections#you build and owning up to mistakes is more true than what your anxiety tells you.#their love of books was cute.#I found it a little funny how they were like my deepest secret is that I’m nonbinary and terrified of people finding out.#but also they have a they/them pin on their backpack. But that is 13yo logic I guess!#it doesn’t explore asexuality at all; just a couple mentions - and also one of their friends is aro-questioning!#but also that’s about what I expected going into this#asexual books
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I’m so tired of relationships with people feeling so punishingly complicated
#personal#it’s like. idk. intensity of care and preoccupation and trauma and#and and and. I’m constantly trying to get it right and I don’t regret trying at all but#my chest also feels like it’s going to collapse in on itself. it shouldn’t be life or death and it isn’t but#I hate that love still feels this way#like when I used to fight with my mom#and I wanted to die to escape the feeling in my body or to punish myself or both#I just want to let go and relax and enjoy intimacy and not feel like a fuck up all the time#or like I’m on the edge of a cliff and a single wrong move..#I don’t want it to feel like this i want to love people in a different way from the way I loved Mom#I don’t want to need them I don’t want to be terrified of punishment I don’t want to buy their love#I want to have them in my life cause I like them and they like me. I need things to be simpler and lighter and i just#fucking#don’t know how#I’ve tried and tried and tried. I just have to keep trying I guess#I Don’t Know How To Love People In The Right Way#it often feels like I don’t know how to love them at ALL.#just how to need them or be afraid of them or afraid for them. like mother like daughter I fucking guess.
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