#I like to blame it on my autism
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A Song of Obnoxious Commentary on “House of the Dragon”
I did this exact thing with my watch of “Game of Thrones”, but posting eight seasons worth of commentary on Tumblr was far too much work, so, here are my thoughts on season one of HotD!!
(Key)
Italics: me lusting after characters/talking about how pretty and/or adorable people are
Bold: Particularly silly commentary
S1E1: The Heirs of the Dragon
S1E2: The Rogue Prince
S1E3: Second of His Name
S1E4: King of the Narrow Sea
S1E5: We Light the Way
S1E6: The Princess and the Queen
S1E7: Driftmark
S1E8: The Lord of the Tides
S1E9: The Green Council
S1E10: The Black Queen
#text post#photos#house of the dragon#hotd#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#I do this commentary thing for nearly everything I watch#I like to blame it on my autism#I just think its fun to have a lineup of jokes to make during my future rewatches
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fiber arts really is such an insane category of Things in how it can draw you in. like, 6 or 7 years ago i learnt to crochet and made a few terrible hats and scarves. then i learnt to knit because i wanted to knit a scarf for my friend (now fiance :D). then i realized it should be a woven scarf so i picked up weaving instead, but i still really liked knitting so now i was doing 3 crafts. somewhere along the way i started dyeing yarn as part of my kitchen experiments, and then i was like fuck it i wanna make my own yarn ! and that is where the problems happened. in the span of like 5 years ive acquired like $2000 of various tools (spinning wheel, combs, cards, blending board, several looms, etc), bought dozens of fleeces, and now my bedroom is basically a craft room with a bed, i have wool covering every flat surface in there as well as a huge dresser full of wool and several large drawers full of wool, i meticulously scrape every last bit of avocado out of the peel so i can use it to dye fleece, and i don’t go anywhere (including in my own house) without at least 2 knitting projects and a spindle.
im not complaining or anything, but the rapid shift from ‘guy who does stuff, idk’ to ‘guy who is worryingly obsessed with wool and will infodump at length about medieval sheep husbandry and the history of nettle as a textile if you give him half a chance’ is like. extremely funny to me.
#this is what happens if you mix adhd autism and wool i think#its got the Textures. its got the stimmy movements. its got the Things To Do Idly With My Hands So I Don't Start Dislocating My Thumbs#like. its crazy#sorry the edible hit like halfway thru writing this#idk where i was going with it xD#spinning#and yes ives youre to blame for 90% of this i think#<3
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saw a post in the corporate clash tag that caused me to black out and make this
#toontown#corporate clash#ttcc#misty monsoon#rainmaker#misty is not even remotely closed to being a character like vriska but the discourse surrounding her is exactly the same n its crazy#misty is a rly fun character that is done dirty by the uninteresting format of toontasks inherented from toontown online#she has so much potential tbh but we just don't have enough content of her in game to rly matter#as far it is rn she's just a very awkwardly placed plot point cuz you dont rly know how to actually feel about her#barnacle bessie tried to rip her to shreds and its you're almost made to feel bad for misty cuz of it#but like she's still actively involved in a mega corporation trying to take over and pollute bessie's home#how can u blame her for that reaction#basically all im sayin is that misty could be so good but rn she's confined to a singular kinda awkward fight at the end of BB kudos#so maybe in the future she'll be a rly good part of the plotline of clash who knows#idk why i felt the need to rant in the tags sorry my autism
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Two all 2 people who follow my tumblr
GUYS THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT
If you’re of voting age in the US and not registered, PLEASE REGISTER NOW!
I’m endorsing Kamala Harris for president.
The fact that’s it’s even close makes me sick to my stomach.
You can disagree with Harris or Biden or their administration on a lot of things, but not seeing that she is clearly the better option is scary.
Queer people’s lives depend on this.
If you care about us, PLEASE VOTE
If you are mad at Harris for not stopping the genoc1de, remember that Trump will absolutely not stop it either and that he’s a moron who no one respects. I’d rather have a g3nocide overseas and have queer people (and poor people, women, poc) in the US protected than have a g3nocide overseas and not have them protected.
And if you say “well Roe v Wade overturned and other conservative laws happened under Biden” Remember this was the CONSERVATIVE supreme court that did this. And another Trump term will make the court even worse for decades. The implications of this are huge.
People are on the fence, it’s simple. If you care about your queer, disabled, poc, poor, female loved ones VOTE HARRIS. If you’re centrist and won’t vote because you don’t care you’re a pushover and a coward. If you’re farther left and think she isn’t left enough, yes you have a point but this is all we have, PLEASE use your brain and stop being chronically online and self impressed.
I don’t care if I lose followers for this at this point, I’m just out here doing everything I can, not to panic and want to hide who I am. A lot of people don’t have the options to move to another state let alone country and we just want to live.
I’m lucky to live in a very safe state but I’m still terrified.
Please care about us. Please vote.
#kamala harris#tim walz#vote harris#Harris is the only option#use your brains#harris 2024#please care about us#lgbtq#abortion#autism#you’re allowed to criticize her but come on be senseible trump is way worse#like seriously use your brains#tired of chronically online leftists who won’t suck it up and vote for someone just because they’re so stuck up#like about Palestine I get it#I support Palestine but trump won’t help them either#do people not understand??#there’s only two options and staying home or writing in is bad in an election this close#like one option is clearly better for us#only one option#if you care#please#i’m begging#i’m serious#if trump wins I’m gonna lock myself in my literal closet#the panic in my chest daily#I’ve started praying again even tho a god who lets trump live clearly abandons us a long time ago#that’s how desperate I am#but I think we’re on our own#please just suck it up and worry about the other stuff after the election#like actually gonna blame y’all dumb people if orange man wins
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SOZOMURA BABIES!!!! Presents them all like microscopic specimens
Mozna is the smallest baby and she can climb on walls (a soon later menace to society)
Then here's some extra doodles for them :-D
And no shamura did NOT have a great time birthing three kids but at least they all came out silly (though they were worried about asmaa taking a little over four weeks to hatch ,, seeing as Mozna hatched open faster than Majnoon)
I NEVER DREW A PREGNANT PERSON BEFORE. SO. i actually just wanted to draw that as a joke but then i got invested and managed to draw more 💀 HERHAHDSGHDAH
Okay sorry for the art load i will actually take a few hours to rest my hands HELP
#sydneys doodles#cotl#cult of the lamb#i procrastinated on drawing more for my babies like four days ago but. bam! yay! yippee! quickly doodled asmaa!#sozonius#shamura#sozomura#sozura#fankids#do i tag that . yes i probably should#drawing shamura pregnant was kinda funny i was like. wouldnt it be a little silly goofy and then i /srs'd#shouldve made sozo pregnant the roles reverse /j#i think shamura might've passed out for longer than a day and sozo kept worrying and then they woke up like a zombie#sozo yelps and is like OH SHIT. MY WIFE. UOURE AWAKE. DID YOU DIE.#<- hes a doctor he should already know this shit#well. well he was worrying anyways i cant blame him#sorry autism#this is more like a separate au thing tbh ?? idk i think its fun to make#cw pregnancy#i think
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i wish i could be chill about media that i like but sadly, they will always take over my brain to an unhealthy extent (at least imo) i just hate that fandom bs actually bothers me this much, i sometimes wish i could stay somewhere between being a casual-ish fan and the level of interest i have now, like ofc ppl are gonna be shit no matter what but i realllly wish it didn't affect me at all like i wish i could see someone post something that completely mischaracterises my fave characters without being so pissed off about it or literally just any of the other drama happening in this fandom, i wish i could see it and not care about it
which ofc is hard bc most of the stuff that pisses me off and upsets me is how anti-black a lot of ppl in this fandom are like the outright racism and colourism that i see in this fandom is literally killing my interest a bit icl, i love louis, loustat and iwtv sm and i wanna stick around but seeing this stuff just puts a damper on my mood and interest
idk i probably won't go anywhere bc like i said i get obsessed with my interests to an unhealthy degree so i won't be able to reduce how fixated i am on this show and i was in my last fandom for like 5 years?!? (and i'm still there kinda) so i feel like with iwtv i will be here for a long time fr
anyways this whole thing is really disappointing and upsetting, i was really so happy to find a vampire show that had a gay black male lead and it didn't shy away from commenting on the racism and anti-blackness the character experienced from other characters, only to get to the fandom and see that there's ppl doing that and worse, it makes me feel like they truly watched the show with their eyes (and ears) closed
#i am tired#and i have only been here (the fandom) for 3-4months?!#tumblr isn't too bad bc i can't see a lot of the bad posts over here but twitter is just horribleeeeee#it's like every other day i see someone saying something racist about louis and half of the ppl engaging in the tweet don't even clock it#it makes me feel crazy#me yapping#sorry guys i will probably delete this im just venting#anyways i have no chill when it comes to my interests and i blame the autism 😁#i feel like i posted something exactly like this before so if i did oops m
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The thing i like the least about having hyperfixations/special interests is when it's at its peak and you can't think about anything else.
You only wanna talk abt X and read about X and watch stuff about X and dissect X and make art of X and think about X and so on
Because existing as part of society when you're in this state is SO difficult, everything else seems boring and dull and everything not regarding X turns into a chore
Like yes i wanna watch a movie with my roommates but i want one about X, but they're not interested in that and then i feel bad about being bored in the first 10 minutes of whatever we picked to watch instead, because i know that if I wasn’t on hyperfixation mode I'd be enjoying it
#like my roommates are okay with one movie about X but not 10 like i want#and i don’t blame them#like my best friend's special interest is tennis#and i'm fine with watching with him#but not every day for two weeks straight#but i get it that it’s his brains little happy drug activator#but enough's enough#and the same applies to me and my special interests#hyperfixation#special interest#autism#neurodiversity#neurodivergent#neurodiverse stuff
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LISTEN. I KNOWWW that the polls haven't even started, but I'm impatient, ok, I'm just putting this out there now cause I can't take it..... anyways - I've seen people do powerpoints as a way to campaign for their blorbos in the various polls that have been going on, so!! I thought I'd do one of my own for the @autismswagsummit ^^ as I simply can't pass on any chance to be brainrotted over this series, it seems...
ID under cut, as it's very long!
[ID: a powerpoint presentation campaigning for Mob from Mob Psycho 100. It's formatted in dark purples and pinks.
The first slide is the titlecard, differing from the main slides by having a pink holographic aura, like the ones from the show, as the background. The text says:
"#MOBSWEEP 2023
Aka why you should vote for Mob in the upcoming autistic swag summit. Please
(JK follow your own heart ^^ but for your consideration:)"
The second slide is titled: "Who is Mob, aka Kageyama Shigeo?" and below the text lists:
"Source: Mob Psycho 100, which is also where Reigen comes from;
The protagonist! Only with background character syndrome (which is why he’s named ‘Mob’ – it’s kinda like naming your protag ‘John Doe’ lol);
A 14 year old with the psychic strength to destroy the world. Which he’s not very happy about actually;
Cause really, he’s just a nice, gentle boy who simply wants to improve and impress his crush by getting swole :) Oh, and he also experiences the horrors. Btw."
On the right of this text, there are two images: One is a zoomed in screenshot of Mob, his face blank and confused, and the other is an official art of the show, depicting Mob in the center, aura glowing, with many of the show's other characters around him, with the show's title at the bottom of the image.
The third slide's title is "Ok but tell me more about the autism", and below, the text says:
"Gladly ^^
Ok, first off – symptoms:
Bad at reading social cues, detecting sarcasm, lies, etc.;
Struggles with recognizing/expressing emotions. Has what could be called psychic meltdowns;
Very honest and blunt, sometimes appearing ‘ruthless’ as a result;
Explicitly low empathy, in that he can’t feel what others are feeling;
Actually very compassionate, and follows a really strict moral code;"
There are no images in this or the next slide.
The fourth slide is a continuation of the previous, with the text being:
"Abnormal reaction to sensations, but instead of overreacting, he underreacts, rarely responding to physical touch and disturbing imagery. Has shown to be at times sensitive to loud sounds, however;
Prefers following a routine. One of his biggest conflicts with Reigen literally arise from the man often calling him out of the blue and making him suddenly adapt, which Mob finds really annoying/upsetting;
Struggles in school. Explicitly bad at math, japanese and PE (really passionate about the latter tho), which could be for a variety of reasons, autism related conditions (like dyscalculia/dyslexia/dyspraxia) being one of them;
Has felt like an outcast for most of his life. Even if he grew up in a pretty loving environment, he recognizes that he is different to others, and people sometimes treat him as such (in a /neg way);
His main arc is about overcoming trauma and… just masking (and how to stop doing it), pretty much, lol."
The fifth slide, in contrast, is mostly just images, placed upon a white background. The title for this one is "Alternatively, just look at him:"
The images, from top to down, and then left to right, are:
Three cropped subtitles out of screenshots of the show, which say:
"I'm sure I just got the wrong idea again. How embarrassing."
"He's detached from urban legends, fads, and other hot topics among people."
"You just can't lie, can you?"
The fourth is a cropped screenshot of Mob's explosion meter. Both in Japanese and English. Specifically, it says: "Progress towards Mob's explosion: 92%". Additionally, there is an annotation above this image, saying: "Literally has a meltdown meter ksfdks"
In-between these and the next column of images, there is also a transparent image of Mob, him standing stiffly, faced towards the camera, his standard, blank expression with a small smile on his face.
The next column of images goes like this:
A screenshot from the show, done in paint on glass, of various kids towering over Mob, who's standing in the middle of the image, small. Their expressions wary, from sneering, to frowning, to looking disgusted. The subtitles at the bottom say, with one part blocked out due to spoilers: "[spoilers] didn't treat me any differently even though I could use psychic powers."
Next two are cropped dialogues as well. They say:
"This version of him was created from being suppressed and locked away."
"Social skills like that are beyond you."
And on the right of the slide is one vertical image, showing one of Mob's books, with the subtitles translating the Japanese title of the book as "The Proper Way of Reading the Room". Next to this one, there is also an annotation, saying: "He has a book on learning social cues :’)" That's all for this slide.
The sixth slide is titled "Is he good rep though?" Text below is:
"Well, to answer the first thing relevant to this question… no, he’s not actually confirmed canon autistic. But c’mon.. it’s so obvious. This kid is not fucking allistic like c’monnnn
Of course, what people consider good and bad rep is gonna vary from person to person. But to explain why a lot of people see him as very positive rep:
"1) He’s the main character, so he gets the most spotlight, and the narrative is formed around his pov, in that we only see things that are relevant to Mob, and visually things are often represented in the way Mob sees them as well (take the body improvement club or Tsubomi, for example), which puts all viewers soundly in his shoes and makes him easy to relate to and sympathize with, and makes it clear how important his emotions and view of things really are;"
On the right of this are 3 images against a white background. The first one is a screenshot of the Body Improvement Club - 5 very buff and large dudes - standing against an explosively red and yellow background, with all of them enthusiastically flexing. The caption below that is "The body improvement club! ...they're supposed to be middle schoolers lol".
The next two, below the first one, are two screenshots of Tsubomi. The one on the left has her smiling, her eyes wide and bright, the background being pastel pinks and yellows. The one on the right, however, has her frowning, the background turned black, her eyes dark and disinterested. The caption below says: "Tsubomi :) And how her design subtly changes alongside Mob’s view of her".
The seventh slide is a continuation of the previous, with the text being:
"2) He’s a very well rounded character, with well thought out strengths, flaws, motives, and his overall story is very cohesive and satisfying; 3) His autistic traits are portrayed neutrally – in both where they help, and where they can cause conflict. It balances between him learning what things he would benefit to address and deal with, and what things he shouldn’t be trying to change at all, and as the whole message of the show emphasizes – he is no more or less special than anyone, no more or less of a person – he is simply human, and his autistic traits are just part of what makes him himself."
This one has images next to it as well. The first one is a screenshot of Reigen looking towards the camera (at an off-screen Mob), hand to his chin, eyebrow raised and smiling, some food crumbs still stuck to his face, as he says: "Today you happened to save some people that only you could have saved." Next to it is the annotation: "Reigen reassuring Mob about how his inability to read the room and feel empathy actually can be a huge benefit sometimes :)"
The next image below is a zoom in of Mob's face, his eyes shadowed by his hair, the scene's lighting dark, as he says: "I'm not being mocked, nor am I easily taken advantage of." The annotation next to this one says "Mob learning to recognize his emotions and assert himself better as the story goes on!"
And the last two images is a screenshotted dialogue, saying "You don't think changing yourself for someone you love is natural?" "I don't. At least, not when we're talking about [spoilers]" (The last bit is blocked out again).
The eight slide is also a continuation. The text says:
"4) He is loved. Loved by his friends, his family, his allies… even most villains come to take a liking to him. In fact, he’s something I haven’t seen many autistic characters be – he’s admired! So many characters, and even viewers of the show I’ve found, really admire him and want to be more like him. And not because he’s a perfect person, or super smart or anything, but because he sincerely tries his best. And I just really appreciate that, personally,, 5) And more than just loved, he is accepted – the whole main arc and the resolution of his story centers around that, around how important it is to feel accepted by the people around you, in all your entirety, no matter how strange or destructive you may feel yourself to be. And how you need to come to accept yourself in the same way as well. I just think that’s a really sweet in a story centering around a neurodivergent person :’)"
And the images next to it are as follows:
A screenshot of dialogue from the show, saying: "At first glance, Mob may seem unreliable, but his strength is undeniable." The annotation clarifies with: "The ‘strength’ in question, in this case, being Mob’s ability to reach out to people ^^";
A screenshot of Teru placed against a blindingly white background, him grinning widely, looking down, eyes shining, as he says: "I knew it, you really are amazing!". Next to him, there is a small caption of "Lol gayass /pos";
And a screenshot of Mob, in the bottom center of the image, small, as he is surrounded by various characters. Most of them are smiling encouragingly, with the ones closest to him, like Reigen, Ritsu, Dimple, Teru and Tsubomi, being bigger and placed in the front. A small caption at the top says: "He has so many friends and allies ueueeueueue.."
The ninth slide is titled "Additionally:" and the text lists:
"Psychic powers as a metaphor for being nd/othered, if that suits your fancy;
His design is iconic and versatile;
The boy has. Issues;;
There are many other characters in mp100 who can be read as autistic. Not a single neurotypical in this show /hj
Mob has more than just autism swag. I’ve seen people with bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and those who are plural (etc.) also relate to him :)
He is simply the Boy ever"
Next to the last line is a small, low quality image of Mob smiling from the manga. The rest of the images, on the right, are:
The meme "I can be your angle....or yuour devil", with images of Mob instead - on the left, him smiling brightly and blushing, placed upon a colorful magenta background, and on the right, a panel from the manga: Mob in one of his explosion states, surrounded by fire, face shadowed, hair pushed back by his powers and waving in the air, and his eyes, wide and eerie, being the only features on his face that are visible.
On the right of these images, there is a smaller one, of Mob in another one of his explosion states (the one from episode 3, season 1 of the anime). He is facing to the side, aura surrounding him, hair pushed back by his powers and his eyes a glower. His pupils are red.
Below these, there are three images of, in order, Serizawa, Tome and Ritsu. Serizawa is sweating, nervous, Tome is sweating even more and yelling into a phone, and Ritsu is simply glaring towards the camera. The annotation pointing to them says: "A few of the other autistic blorbos in question :] (as I personally see them at least)".
And the last is a panel from the manga, of Mob sobbing, tears and drool dripping messily down his face, his hair waving in the air. His expression is somewhat blank despite the clear distress, and the text boxes next to him read: "His tears won't stop. It's an emotion he has never experienced before."
And the tenth, final slide, is formatted the same as the titlecard with the pink aura background, and says:
"Thank you if you got this far <3
Have good days everyones, and remember, the true win for autism is the fun we had along the way :]
Buh bye!! ^_^"
Around this text, there are various images of Mob. Counter clockwise, starting at the left corner:
A low quality screenshot of Mob flying in the air;
Mob, in his puppy hoodie, sweating in distress as he points at a vase;
Mob caught mid smear frame, his leg kicked high in the air as he jumps, his school bag swinging to the side, his expression comically flustered.
A panel from the manga. Mob's eyes are shadowed, chopsticks held to his face, as he stares to the side and says "Tch... Shut up and eat.";
A Mob in an alleyway from the anime, smiling, pointing and looking up and to the left (the center of the slide);
A photo of a Mob plushie tucked into bed;
A low quality screenshot of Mob, standing against a wire fence, facing forwards, his eyes appearing a bit angry due to his hair cowering them.
End ID.]
#autismsummit2023#mob psycho 100#mp100#kageyama shigeo#autism swag summit#tumblr polls#autism#powerpoint presentation#I tried to keep this relatively spoiler free ^^ also feel free to ask me to elaborate on anything in this#trust me im ready to ramble whenever sjdfgsj (bearing in mind that im not busy at least)#though. tbh thats not That much of an excuse bearing in mind that i definitely did this in place of my real responsibilities 😳 oops#can you blame me though. its literally The Autism poll cmon#my own post#described#the id took like 3 hours to write.. ough. desperately hope theres not any mistakes in there
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My brain likes to hyperfocus on the wrong things god hel
#I don't even know what to say#but also dis es ma blog I post what I feel like posting sorry gaymers 😎#but also also so sorry for the people seeing this#autism be damned this kid can make an edit#meta knight#I AM BLAMING MY SISTER FOR THIS ONE THIS TIME#SHE GOT THE SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD#I'm so done hearing this meme it's all I've been hearing trying to make this
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QB ADHD test is crazy for autists bc tell me why you’re gonna strap this super uncomfortable headband to my head and also have the lights bright in the room bright af and then have the laptop flash images at me too
Like????????
#sillyposting#adhd#I asked if they could turn down the lights and it was soooooo haha funny to them#how quirky haha hehe no one’s ever asked for that before!#and then they turn the light off and it’s pitch black and the laptop brightness is still way too bright#I was going to be overstimulated either way probably#but still#I tried to make it a neutral environment for the best results it just didn’t work out#how am i supposed to live laugh love in these conditions#can you blame a girl for having a very cutesy very demure meltdown at the psych’s office#but anyway I did absolute shit on the test#I feel like it’s not even fully accurate because I was crying half the time :/#I couldn’t remember anything esp not with the sensory hell#but then again I already know I would have been shit at it without the meltdown too#and the nurse tried to comfort me when I said sorry for crying#and she’s like no it’s okay we’re all special in our own way!#Ma’am I don’t need your autism speaks pep talk I need all the lights in my vicinity to be turned off#at least if they say I don’t have adhd I have even more validation for the autism#because who else has a meltdown over l i g h t s#very neurotypical reaction I’m so normal actually#I’m fine I’m at home and I’m gonna chill in my room don’t worry
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How it feels to hold back mentioning how Edward’s advances would feel if you were in Kristen’s shoes every time someone makes a joke about how she should’ve wanted him
#rambles#I’m not against my oomfs who have made these jokes I love you dearly I’m just chronically annoying I’m sorry#I don’t like blaming her….the show acts like she hated him for the autism she did not#Kristen Kringle herself told me that she’s autistic and just really didn’t wanna talk to him and he didn’t listen
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Was I supposed to be drawing those characters sheets? Yes.
Did I finish em? No.
Did I draw William? Yes.
Am I going to finish this sketch? Most likely.
Do I have regrets? No.
Taglist @vind3miat0r @achios
#redacted audio#nevy draws stuff#redacted william#redacted dove#YES MY LISTENER NAME IS DOVE HEHEE#blame the autism#🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️#i tried makin the stand in love gender neutral but it looks like i failed-#ill figure it out-#ITS SUPPOSED TO SAY STAND IN DOVE#i swear my dyslexic ass should not be typin
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I really wish People watched heartbreak high, at least they saw how many energie and time it takes me to Mask and how much i try to say and do the right thing.
#ecaxtly like there: i cant unmask#not even for my good friends most fo the time bcs they would not accept me#nobody would zccept me bcs its not the stupif socials norms and rules#im so tired of not being mr for so muvh people#like why do i even do this all#its not even xorth it that much#it really was#it really was until that#actually autistic#autistic#asd#actually autism#autistic things#i do blame that actually#heartbreak high#heartbreak high spoilers
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letting myself unmask has been so nice at times because i'm seeing my boyfriend express joy much more readily too. who knew me being expressive and all that would do so much good!!!
#today was touch and go but overall much better than yesterday where i was watching a musical (not my thing) and it was legally blonde (cool)#but everyone's voices were so shrill (ouch) and the audience was clapping (ouch) and talking a lot (ouch)#and i was three rows back from the stage so the lights were bright (ouch) and there were strobe lights (ouch) and the person seated next to#me kept touching me when she turned to talk to the person next to her..... AND my joints were killing me but we had to walk everywhere from#the theatre to the restaurant we ate at for dinner. which was a byob. and i didn't know we were going to a byob or i would've b'd my own b#but my bf's family doesn't drink so it would've been awkward anyway. and no one talks to me and i don't talk to anyone but yet i'm expected#to be there for some reason (??) i'd rather stay home honestly. horrible time. i couldn't even vape because of said family#so i had zero pain or anxiety relief that whole time. and i had the longest meltdown in the theatre. and i couldn't finish bc intermission#so i had to just like. force it down so i could sit there in silence for 15 minutes while everyone else talked to each other.#and then after all that we still had a 40 minute car ride back home. with my bf's mom.#and then today she invited us to the park with her and my bf was like 'do you wanna?' and i couldn't say no in front of her so i said yes#and then felt SO anxious because god. i just needed A Day. so then i shut down. but then i communicated what i was needing to my bf#and we had a nice walk at a different park on our own. phew#i do Not mean to complain but goodness. pre-autism i would've blamed myself for everything that happened#but now i can properly commiserate with people who understand me LOL anyway. look at some of the crazy shit i went through yesterday
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when the hyperfixation wants you to engage with the content but its all heavy angst and you relate to all the characters so it also hurts your chest more than it already does and breathing is slightly harder:
#yes i am talking about#qualia automata#cuz i relate to tamari for being the least favorite#i relate to mariyam cuz shes what fayrouz takes pride in#and i relate to fayrouz cuz im like 80% sure my future partner will leave me when i become a scientist and id do something like her#and then end up sad and alone#bpd#bpd safe#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#suspected npd#npd safe#cluster b#cluster b safe#audhd problems#audhd#autism#adhd#im actually going feral#pleaseeeee i need family fluff of the khalid family they cant be miserable 25/8 like me#they dont deserve it#ok maybe fayrouz does but atleast she realized that she was the one to blame iirc
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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