#I just. wish I could fall in love again
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Imma be honest for a second—I don’t think I want a black and white remake for the switch. I just want to experience it for the first time again
#meows#black and white means a lot to me#first pokemon game I was allowed to have#I mean idk maybe pokemon will surprise me!#maybe it’ll be a continuation of the story!#i haven’t finished (meaning I haven’t defeated the league)#any Pokémon game since I think sun and moon#the furthest I’ve gotten on the switch games#is with Sword and Shield. but even then I’m maybe halfway#how much of it is how busy I am nowadays#how much of it is depression?#and how much is actually to blame on the games themselves?#I still love Pokémon with all my heart don’t misunderstand me#I just. wish I could fall in love again
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hang on i'm once again thinking about house being stupid with love. stacy moved in with him a week after meeting him. that's HUGE change. could you imagine how much he'd have to be obsessing over her to make HIS home THEIR home??? and he still wasn't over her 5+ years later after everything either.
(and like. i wonder if there was ever a moment there for wilson where he's watching house and stacy be so witty and beautiful and in love together and thinking to himself, huh. so this is what that feels like.)
#house md#stacy warner#gregory house#james wilson#i'm hacking into this man's brain rn#this man who argues the validity and existence of love he could probably fall in love in a day if he let himself#and while it's not marriage it's certainly not nothing for wilson to watch play out#do you think he was happy for him? did he tell him to slow down?#it was before the infarction so maybe. well maybe house was still an infallible figure to him#always five moves ahead so uniquely capable of handling any challenge and stubborn enough to prove it#hell he was probably more active than wilson the guy can't stay still sometimes#i'm just. hmmm. now i am once again wishing we could have had some flashback episode or something#i wanna know what everyone was LIKE before pre-infarction#how did his relationship with cuddy change how did his relationship with wilson >#(who will risk his own security TIME AND TIME AGAIN for house's benefit) become what it is#where they maybe............ a little more normal friends??? or is that too crazy to consider
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it's been over a week but i legit haven't stopped thinking about this
#because i think it doesn't just apply to book publishing but really any kind of writing#including fanfiction#especially in current fandom times when everything feels just so fast paced#and it's SO easy to fall into this whole mindset of believing you gotta keep up with this pace#a lot of smart people have said a lot of smart things about the current state of fandom and i won't fall into a rant here#but i too often have to remind myself that me writing is supposed to be fun and not a fucking race#that i'm not competing with anyone#that i'm not creating 'content' to be consumed like some fast food#that there's no such thing as a flop fic if it was written with love and drive behind it#and yeah the jealousy man#it's an ugly feeling no matter which end you're on#comparison is a knife which we inevitably walk into#i love my writer friends to death and i will always always always cheer for them bc no one else will get this#but we're all just humans with very real and sometimes ugly emotions and i wish we could talk about this more openly#at the end of the day we want to be seen and acknowledged and we're our very own worst critics#ugh i have too many thoughts about this all#i need to lie down and feel normal again#lale.txt
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holy fucking shit that scene with firefly and stelle. stelle praying before the bomb went off and sparkle shoved her off the railing. the fireworks. the way firefly caught and carried stelle and the fact that she was still holding her even after leaving the SAM suit. the hand holding. the way they spun around. the laughter. the joy and love on their faces. AAAAAAACK I FEEL ILL
#I WISH OBS DIDN'T HATE HSR SO I COULD HAVE RECORDED THAT#THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLLLLLLL#HOLY FUCK#YEAH NO ONE'S ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT FIREFLY AND THE TRAILBLAZER'S IN-GAME ROMANTIC TENSION EVER AGAIN#THAT#FUCK#FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#3IQ2TH934Y0HUERJPOSLGDBGF#ahhhhh all the farewells... fuck#this was a good update. much shorter than the last few have been but that's okay i'm really happy rn#beautiful. stunning. what a lovely send off#i hope a piano falls on me and flattens me likea pancake#i think i need to go digest everything... but i really enjoyed that#ALSO THE ENDING? *JADE* LET SUNDAY GO? WHAT'S HAPPENING HTERE I'M SCARED#what the fuck was sparkle's problem. girl did you do all that just to get stelle and firefly to have that sweet romantic moment#??????????????#i wishi could put images in tags. i would put one more of the above image in here. pretend i did ok
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Anybody know how to get rid of a curse 😭
#throwback to when i was a kid and my mother the monster that she is wished upon me to never be happy just as she isn't#and that i should never be granted love or happiness. just like her.#this happened repeatedly#my heart gets broken over and over while ppl around me find love and get to keep it and be happy#i feel so fucking broken. like im literally not a person. idk what im doing wrong#i love my friends' love. im genuinely happy to see them thrive#ive been alone and yearning for a quarter of a century#i cant take it anymore#of course i had to fall in love with someone who wont be with me#thats the easiest way to make sure im fucked up and alone for as long as possible#and it's happened several times#they may love me but they cant be w me#I'm literally so fucking sad#the one person who was gonna make it work. i made them hate me bc of some huge misunderstanding abt the nature of our relationship#i miss them the most in the whole world. i think about them constantly. biggest regret of my life#the grief of it all is eating me alive. i keep getting close to being happy n in love and. dare i say it. loved#and then its all getting ripped away from me. again and again#every day it hurts and it makes me paralysed and i cant do shit or be who i want. i wish i could b sedated forever#goodnight lol
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🏩🧸🎀🪞
#i just wish i didnt care so much about how ugly i am...#i DO have an ugly face.. wide and round and big and the top of my head is too small and narrow#it just looks so so so weird#and im always uglier than everyone else. and i will always be uglier than their ex and uglier than their next and uglier than the other#girls they like. it will always be that way.#i will always always be ugly#i cannot change this face. i am stuck with it.#people will always be mean. ppl will always tell me how ugly i am. that's just how it is#a fact of life. no matter what i do this is how it is#and therefore i wish could just live with it...#even if i am ugly.. this is my face and im stuck with it#so i want to no matter what mean thoughts everyone else have about me#i wanna just be able to grow accustomed to my face. find comfort in its ugliness#i wanna still just be able to take selfies or wear makeup or accessories without /feeling/ like im not allowed to simply bc everyone else#sees me as ugly.... bc like yeah.. but this is still my face and it is all i've got#no one will ever find me pretty. no one will ever think im the prettiest girl in the world for them#thats fine. that really hurts but i cant blame anyone bc i AM ugly. but i want to just be able to live in peace#and do what i want to do regardless of everyone else's opinions...#so what if i am an ugly troll trying to play dress up??? i know my place#i will never be the princess. and i would never ever think i even could#so then just let me know my place and be an ugly swamp troll and have fun in peace#but i keep seeing my face and feeling so sad#bc again and again all i can think abt even if i learn how to live with it#i will stillnever be a pretty girl someone can fall in love with..#and i think abt how small and tiny and round and cute faces those girls#they like have... how theyre so pretty and cute in ways i could never be#it doesnt matter how much i love or whatever is inside my heart.. im too ugly to even look twice at#but pls universe let me just be able to live with it.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!
#dexdark#dexter's laboratory#dexter's lab#dexter#mandark#flame draws#every year they stayed up and wish each other a happy new year ever since they were young#even when they rivals although it seemed more mocking. they were lonely and did it anyway and it tumbled into a tradition from then on#each year passing their wishes of a new year turned softer. this year? the same tradition. they've tried to stay up but they were much olde#staying up late is difficult when you're so tired from the entire year crashing on you#they fell asleep right before the clock hit. and when it did it only it only woke Mandark. who quickly turned it of to let his husband#have a few more winks of sleep and kissed his forehead and joining his love in sleep once again#dexter love mandark's stubble and giving chin scratches that dark relishes in. make him fall warm and fluffy inside#i mostly drew it to show they were older. hope it showed#soft sleepy kisses are one of my favorites#also mandark drools in his sleep#there could have been a much sadder verison of this >:> but lets have fluff lmao#there was several verison of this! dexter waking first and giving the kiss. mandark trying to wake up dexter before the clock hit#only to be too sleepy and kiss him on the lips quickly before passing out again then the clock hits while mandark is dumbfounded.#just quickly threw colors around lol i hope it looks fine#it was a really good year for art I grew so much since then. mentally and artistically#hope to be here for a very long time. you cant get rid of me easily#my resolution? to spam that tag till it's a overflowing bucket in my free time and explore more fandoms :D#also maybe lessen my rambles in tags. . .
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for the love of god someone convince me from texting my ex, i daydreamed too closr to the sun and now i want attention😭
#its not a door i should open#but idk if im crazy and i need to drop my suspicions and try again or if im really going to be right some day#and we get involved again then that person comes along and its a messy awful breakup and i just cant do that to them#but fuck i wish i could be with them#i would love them but the problem is (aside from their drinking) it would be so easy to fall in love with them#but they want long term and aside from me knowing im leaving the province soon i dont think wish how i am now id be okay with pretending#its not fair#i want to see them again#im jealous of attention they probably get and that theyve probably given#and i really hate how i was made and that i cant just go with the flow#but again drinking and dark eyes aside theyre practically perfect#i miss them so much sometimes that im actually posting more on instagram in the hopes theyll notice me again#i wonder if they think about me or if theyre too busy getting laid#cause theyre in a band so duh obviously theyre getting laid#I FUCKING HATE MY INABILITY TO BE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE#ITS NOT FAIR#I HATE MY SUPERSTITIONS SO DAMN MUCH I WANT TO LET THEM GO AND BE HAPPY BUT I CANT#I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE WITH WITH PRETTY BLUE EYES AND BIG HANDS#fuck nate was so close to perfect and i love that theyre so interesting and fuck i think id just give in if they had blue eyes#i could ignore the other problems and feel better about trying to be with them#mostly i just want them to kiss me and hug me again#they were so gentle about it and it felt so safe and i wanna cry cause i know its not fair to contact them#but fuck i wish i could#i dont want to be alone anymore and they made me laugh#i dont know what to do but i wish it was easier to at least meet people if not date them#i just want to feel something for someone new so i can feel like im over them#but sadly they work at ikea and its not even the closest one to me but i have to go there for a new mattress topper and jars#and i keep imagining running into them AND ITS FUCKING ME UP i want to talk to them but i cant do that
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// Happy Heavensward Day! My FAVORITE expansion, period, of FFXIV! <3
#[ just ask my bestie/adriel. i say REPEATEDLY that i wish i could experience heavensward for the first time again#it's really what made me fall in love with ffxiv#the locations. the cast. the MUSIC. all of it! ]#ooc ; out of character
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rip my mom casually asking me what the worst shakespeare take i’ve ever heard was and unlocking a two hour rant at 3 am
#ive taken many shakespeare courses#and spoken casually about his plays with Many People™️#and read Way too many articles#i have heard more shit tier ass shakespeare takes than i would ever wish upon anyone#my least favorite does actually come from this website though <3#tumblr win (?)#i love it here but sometimes oooooohhh boy#i dont usually get worked up with any sort of disagreeing opinion#and im very good at being level headed about things in general#but GOD nothing gets on my nerves faster than shit takes about shakespeare#or just reading or learning in general#like ooohhh boy#my mom has a knack for asking me dangerous questions at inopportune moments#im half convinced she likes asking me about shakespeare when shes going to sleep#because my incessant chattering bores her enough to fall asleep easier😑#rude if true because i was repressing those takes and now that im thinking about them again IM too annoyed to sleep😤#god i wish i could be normal about shakespeare im so annoying#im So pretentious never speak to me
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Domesticated Post-Tekken 2 Era Kazuya is my favorite to think about because this would be so good for him and everyone else but he would have an absolutely miserable time during it
#like I dont think he would REALLY miss the rich ceo lifestyle bc i dont see it as smth he ASPIRES to but as a means to give himself power#if you (jun) somehow manage to convince him that he does not actually NEED power then i think hes adaptable enough to ajust to a humble life#and the whole being rich thing fed into his worst traits#but I think being close to jun all the time would be torture for him bc he would CONSTANTLY be confronted to his own faulty morality#he cant help feeling above other common people bc he endured much more pain and hardships at 5yo than them in a lifestyle-#but he cannot act on his superiority complex about them bc Its Not The Right Thing To Do#he looks at his newborn son and feel *nothing* before feeling frustration and irritation toward *himself*#bc hes smart enough to know he SHOULD be feeling smth#and if he relunctantly admit this to jun she would tell him that if the best he can do (for now) is to not wish or do any harm on jin-#then it is good enough and he should not beat himself up about it (which he doesnt. but he does)#and even jun. she is another person he could lose and he knows deep down he would be happier without her#but being near her bring back to life smth that died years ago at the bottom of that cliff#and he wont admit it but hes scared to lose it again. even if right now its brings him nothing but discomfort and pain#hes not even sure if he *loves* her. and when he asks her whats in it for her. why she stays with him#(not out of self-consciousness but genuine confusion) she just smiles at him because he IS considering the feelings of someone else#like she is so understanding and he genuinely does try and its a really slow healing process#hes still gonna stay a little bit of a prick smug at times but at least he will be immensely more chill out#and even maybe fall in love with jun *jun* down the line. characters that fall in love with each other years into the relationship👍#and his whole exploration of fatherhood with jin. him vaguely recalling smth nice jinpachi (or god forbid. HEIHACHI pre-cliff) did to him#and doing the same to jin out of the blue for the sake of experimentation#and jin's positive reaction making him FINALLY AT LAST feel some tiny tiny thing for his son.#also for all her tree-hugger talk. jun is right meditating in the forest DOES help kaz a lot#anyway. yeah👍#tagging later#tekken
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I wanna pick up a girl and pin her against a wall and give her lots of lil smooches while we giggle like the little gay goblin gremlins that we are
#thoughts#oni talks#sapphic yearning#oni has a crush#not really targeted but idk I wish I was buff so bad bro#the lesbian short person madness is getting to me I think#I want to bridal carry the love of my life plz thank#why workout why no just be buff lesbian already :(#also to be able to do those dramatic ass romantic dips during dancing#want the gorl to know I am stronq reliable and will never drop her (unless she wants me to in a safe manner)#this is why I fucking love water I get to be as buff as I want I can carry gorl no problem I can carry anybody in water I can be buff as fuc#I do also wish my arms were bigger so I could more effectively wrap them around people sometimes but that’s separate#maybe it’s just coz I had more alcohol than normal today but the YEARNING IS GETTING TO ME YALL#I wanna write lesbian music again so bad I wanna shoot gay little music videos with my paramour#sleeby bedtime where we read each other sapphic stories as they fall asleep in my lap or give versa or smth#but also girls in lap!!!! so perfect 1000/10 also just I wanna be buff so baddddddd#ship dynamics#idk if it counts but I feel like someone could make ship art with these ideas so sure#I wanna be good at dancing so I can be like a little lesbian doing the rose thing in the most dramatically gay way possible#I’m gonna be a Gay lil cowboy tomorrow for pride and the urge to dramatically tip my hat in lesbian is gonna be so strong
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#the truth is. over the years i really have tried to make the best of this loneliness#i've given into it and tried to extract as much beauty and joy out of it as i could.#and i truly do cherish it and the freedom it has given me to be myself completely#i just wish that i could actually have someone to see me that completely. and choose to love me for it#these days i feel such an aching for it that i might explode#like if i don't fall completely in mind-numbing all-consuming love with someone again i will literally die#the kind of love that takes over my entire soul. like knowing someone and feeling known by someone so completely#that it's like you were invisible before#i think i'm feeling that kind of all-consuming love for the desire to love itself. and i think that's worth treasuing too#but god. i've tried so hard to accept that i may never have it again and i keep failing#i just want someone to see this desperate aching inside me and choose to carry the weight of it with me#choose to build something magical out of it#but i end every night feeling undesired and unloveable and alone always alone
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can't post about an au idea because it's too long to explain in a text post and i can't write fic but if i just summarize it i'll have to cut out so many details and no one will understand my True Vision
#this is yet again about zukki#in my head its a 150k fic#with romance and drama and jealousy and sex#and revelations and complications and gutting honesty#and just. three people who fall in love so so messily together#i wish i could write fic :(#i have the like. attempt to explain it in my drafts#not a fic just my ramblings#but it is already 1k and it isn't even like halfway through
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#the sun went down at 4 pm and I am once again having an existential crisis#I went to a bookstore and saw stupid romance book covers and started thinking about how I’m probably gonna ‘die alone’#whatever the fuck that means#I don’t KNOW okay I don’t know if I’m aromantic or just too traumatized and avoidant to be capable of intimacy. but I have no friends and#I’m lonely as fuck#and I don’t want to date but I want someone to be committed to me and I want someone to fuck but I don’t trust people and I#am pretty sure if I fucked someone I would burst into tears bc of how long its been since I’ve been touched#I want a family. like that is one thing I know for sure I don’t know exactly what that even means or looks like#but I want a FAMILY. and not the one I was born with#I don’t mean kids I mwan commitment and fucking. People#and the universe is not on my fucking side girl. she’s not I don’t care what you say#I thought I had a found family in college and look where that is now. dust#and I’m 25 years old#and I’m missing so many milestones#and maybe it doesn’t matter maybe dating and fucking do not give you worth yeah yeah okay#but this is not the life I thought I would have at this age. and I feel like I should be entitled to grieve that#not like I want to. I want to be normal and I want to be over it.#to be perfectly fucking honest. I wish I could wake up tomorrow#and fall in love with someone and have a boring normal happily ever after.#I wish I could be the person who’s capable of that and I know that’s a naive and childish and unwoke desire to have#but I’m just being so real with you chief. I do not know how to live in this world being who I am.#and I don’t want to fucking be alone.#not because it makes me less worthy but because I’m just fucking sick of being lonely. okay.#anyway. I’m probably deleting this#p
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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