#I just wish I looked desirable :(
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rabbit heart (raise it up) but make it fashion❣️🐇
#knitting#knitblr#wip#florence and the machine#pattern is called lion hearted on ravelry❣️#if you thought I used up all my sweater symbolism designing Melville. well. I’ve got news for you.#(this gal was an english and lit class suck up. the symbolism never stops.)#admittedly it’s a bit heavy handed and on the nose. alas. but the designs just hit better that way!#the raglan shaping is meant to replicate an EKG with heartbeats. the notion of wearing your heart on your sleeve…and the song being about#a rabbit hearted girl. hence. rabbits and hearts on the cuffs.#the most vulnerable part of these lyrics (i wish that i could just be brave) on the most vulnerable part of the sweater (the back)#(because anyone can see it but you don’t realize who’s looking and reading your deepest desires)#anyways. I wanted to knit a lot of words in different fonts and sizes and I listened to florence on repeat and this happened.
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What's gabriel in this au?
Some loser, probably.
#Gabriel Ultrakill#Rain World Ancients#Ultrakill#Rain World#I CAN POST THIS NOW THAT THE FULL ATTACK IS DONE. NICE pose referenced from Act 1's ending cutscene if that wasn't blatant already#He's as of yet unnamed but I'm working on it. And also somehow not dead. Debatably. It's a crossover AU it's not adhering to RW canon#Anyway very cool style rain world has for its murals! Tried to match it to the best of my ability but my own style definitely bleeds throug#-in places. It happens#ANYWAY the reason why he's an Ancient is just because there seem to be a lot of parallels between Angels in UTKL and Ancients in RW#Both are societies obsessed with remaining free from earthly desire and keeping order; one wishes to ascend and one has already ascended-#-and has to keep it that way lest they feel the wrath of a long-absent god#Looking at the karma murals that represented the deadly sins (ish) kind of solidified that#Plus it means I don't have to take off his helmet which is always a bonus; I don't like unmasking helmeted characters#As a bonus ancients sort of seem birdlike to me? They're meant to look vague but at least two had bird feet so hell yeah. Bird time.#Enough tag talking. Here's the actual sorting tags:#Re: Inbox#Re: Anon#RW UTKL#Hrokkall Art
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In another universe Christine and Erik skipped town and they live happily together raising Gustave...
#poto#phantom of the opera#lnd#love never dies#christerik#erikstine#christine daae#erik poto#the phantom#gustave de chagny#i just be ramblin#Hey am I still hung up on Erik's dream in the book of just. Putting on a mask and getting married to his beloved and raising a kid and#having a normal domestic life?#MAYBE#Maybe I imagine a future where this worked out somehow#Where Erik has everything set up to live his perfect normal life#And honestly putting on that perfect mask turns out to be bittersweet as he doesn't...love it as much as he assumed#after all he'd only wanted to be accepted and to live normally rather than be feared (a wish to cover one's features out of a desire for#connection rather than a genuine hatred of them)#So I imagine Erik and Christine staying somewhere private or going on a private walk under the moonlight#and after such a long day‚ Christine tugs off the mask#And she looks him in the eyes and loves him‚ kisses him#Oh to be able to spend time with your family‚ the only people you can remove your mask around#And for them to accept you wholly as you are‚ love you as you are‚ even after hearing for so long that this kind of life was an#impossibility for you#Erik teaching Gustave how to play instruments and how to train the instrument that is one's voice#the two watching Christine sing on street corners as she used to do with her father (perhaps even playing for her)#They make me emotional....
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I just YEARN for Maximus. just to give him forehead kisses and take a long walk with him and share a meal with him and fall asleep under the stars beside him. I just yearn to be the one who makes him smile and the one he knows he can trust with his heart
#the love i have for him is unnatural#it surpasses all human desires and longings#it prompts me to transcend#printing out pictures of him and pasting them all over my wall as if i can magic myself into his world#i just think a hug from him would fix me#i’d like to request to get my ribs absolutely crushed in his embrace#and for my lips to go numb from how many times i kiss him#i think this is not an unreasonable request#i love him so much it makes me look stupid#standing on a metaphorical street corner begging him to come and sweep me up#i’ll be the persephone to his hades and he can take me away to the afterlife for an eternity of sweet love#i would be. so good to him#just endless loving and affection and support and encouragement and adoration#i’d make it my whole personality#maximus my love the world turns ever on its axis only for you#at least my world does#i am the wax and he is the flame#eternally melting me#and getting me hot#and ruining me for anyone else#i wish he would ruin me just straight up WRECK me forever#what a dream#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#text posts
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perirep drawings I also have on my Twitter - lil thing I’ve been working on and off where Dev wishes that Peri and Irep would switch places so they’d understand each other better, before everything derails into madness
really just an excuse to make fairy irep and anti-fairy peri teehee
#perirep#peri fairywinkle cosma#fop irep#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#my art#started out with a burning desire to see bad boy peri#then I blacked out and made all of that#some of it looks wonky cause I was trying to figure out how to mesh my art style with the shows#the human proportions was also just an excuse to give anti peri a tramp stamp#listen I just really love him and want to see him embrace the bad boy side#see how IREP likes being perfect and following the rules to a t#I’m sorry I also love you Irep you deserve better than just being seen as Peri’s opposite#eventually they do understand each other. and Dev gets to see yaoi real life just like from his manga wrow#hello again tumblr please ignore my other cringe art I’m too lazy to make a new blog and I like my lame handle
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my romantic self-esteem is just absolutely rock-solid. for whatever reason!
#I’m a catch!#and I’m so not interested in anybody who wouldn’t demonstrably make my life better in every way#and that involves not being afraid of me or the idea of romance/marriage in general#and if you are afraid it just isn’t interesting or attractive enough for me#there was a boy a few years ago and tbh I think he liked me#and I liked him! he was cute he was intense in an endearing way#and he was smart#we argued about Taylor and then the next time I saw him he was like Christmas tree farm is a good song#(it had just come out)#and he never did anything about it and then he moved away and that is totally fine#and I wish him well.#but the crush was killed by the simple fact that he never liked me enough to say it#like truly and with all (non-romantic) love; go with God#at that point lol#that said I have never wanted marriage or children as an abstract concept#so it makes it much easier to think along these lines#it would be so devastating to want it so badly and not get it!#but I can’t even imagine summoning the desire for it in an abstract sense#I’ll meet someone and love them and then that will lead to marriage and possibly children#or I won’t#but both roads look about the same to me in terms of desire#or any desire big enough worth mentioning#not talking about the whispers or the daydreams that do sometimes intrude#but yeah I don’t think full desire would come until there was a person#and there might not be! I cannot conjure them from the deeps lol#anyway I’ll stop talking about it because I know it can be sensitive/delicate to talk about#in a public setting
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knowing i should take a step back from tumblr for my own wellbeing vs. being emotionally attached to this app and the people on it
#tumblr would be tumblr without me—as would the self ship community. it’s silly for me to feel so invested this Thing that is just that:#a Thing. it can’t give me the love or care or satisfaction with life that i’m looking for. i’ve been hiding on here—escaping reality.#because it’s fun to live in an imaginary world where i’m everything i want to be. where i’m the main character.#but in doing so i’ve been neglecting the ugly parts of my real life; the pain and hurt and harsh realities.#over the past couple months it has become apparent to me that i tend to put too much trust and effort into people#who have neither the capacity nor the desire to reciprocate.#so i just look like a fool in the end. (this isn’t about anyone here—just a pattern of behavior in general.)#at the end of the day#having thousands of followers on tumblr has no impact on my real life. if anything it makes me feel more isolated than ever.#because it’s yet another arena where i feel like i have to carve out my own space; i’ve never been good at taking up space.#anyway i suppose i’ll take the weekend away and see how i feel. i’ve had a lot of shit happening irl that has been so horribly difficult.#so maybe getting through all of that will help me feel more comfortable on my own blog again.#if you read this all i’m so sorry. i’ll prob regret posting my heartfelt thoughts in the future but at this very moment i don’t care.#self preservation be damned.#please support ficsforgaza; i’ll still be helping aleks over there because it’s one of the few places where i feel useful.#okay i’m done now. i’ll see you later. i wish you all so much love and nothing but the best.#tw personal
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yall its actually ROUGH out here having keating as ur dps blorbo because as far as im aware im the only one. i see a post specifically about him maybe once a month, and its a gamble as to whether he shows up in hc posts. oh mr keating we're really in it now.
#desire mona#HELP PLEASE TALK ABOUT HIM GOD PLEASE PLREEEEEEASE TALK ABOUT HIM GOD PLEASE#HES SO SILLY AND HES SO SAD AND HES SO SMART HES SO FUCKING SMART AND HES PLAYED BY ROBIN WILLIAMS AND ESSENTIALLY *IS* ROBIN WILLIAMS#god i wish the advertisements that paint him as a main character for robin williams reasons were right id kill to see more of him#sometimes i watch the deleted scenes just to see him again#i also like looking up robin photos on pinterest and pretending its keating#god hes just so my dad#sobs cries etc#dead poets society#john keating
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had a really incredible moment this evening. went to my campus art market where one of my friends was selling the tank top i'm wearing - another friend bought it for me and i'm so overjoyed to have it. usually a fit that leans more Traditionally Masculine feels like a costume but tonight it just felt deeply correct and honest and warm. took the opportunity to take some indulgent little pictures because i do not think i have Ever looked more like myself. so happy.
#im like. slowly gently exploring butchness & ... what it means to me & ... trying to release the idea that it requires Masculinity....#ive always felt pretty disconnected from masculinity as a whole but i'm starting to find points of entry that resonate really deeply#& along with that is like... esp when it comes 2 kink & leather & butchness - which r not intrinsically related but to me they r connected#theres this idea that like. i'm taking myself too seriously. and that nobody's gonna take me seriously. and that i'm too little too young#that im like#obviously inexperienced and a joke and failing and looking stupid .#but ... realized recently that . that's really just the trauma talking#and that i can just like. try shit out. and notice how it feels + what comes up#and then try it again if i so wish#and nothing i try has to be permanent or defining ... and that like . my desires and comforts and joys and needs Should Be Taken Seriously#soooo much of my like. impostor syndrome . has to do with worrying that im not doing it right when compared to other men#but like.... most of the kinky men / leathermen i see are 35+ and cis .#of course im not doing it like them .#so . looking to the queers i know. especially my fellow transmascs as well as lesbians . for like. reassurance and inspiration#has been very healing . & good for my heart & my soul.#:)#yeah .#i think i gotta go read butch is a noun. ... yeah#goodnight :)#speak#materialization#ok2rb
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pls stop characterizing viktor as angry and violent i s2g fdsgfgdfh
#i just - does half the fandom realize viktor's the most pacificist character in the show...#he doesn't insult people. he never wishes violence on anyone.#i get sad when people draw/write him as insulting jayce or yelling at people or hitting people with his cane#that's literally not who he's shown to be as a fundamental part of his character and his arc#he doesn't lash out. he curls inwards#he's witty and dry and sometimes guarded and stressed because he's literally going through horrible things but he's never violent#he's only shown EVER wanting to help people. make life flourish. grow things. STOP violence#the only time we see him act aggressively is the council room scene for that brief chokehold and again as machine herald in the chokehold#specifically both times as a way to subdue and restrain jayce from hurting him back and hold him in place so he can enact smth#(I still don't think his intent in the council room was to kill jayce. it makes zero sense. and MH was holding him to get him up the tower)#just..................why do you look at this gentle polite fundamentally compassionate character and see someone with a snap temper#while im at it. look i respect yall dom viktor truthers who am i to get in anyone's way but like#there is a big difference between craving control over your own life and circumstances and craving control over others#yes viktor desires control but i just. dont see that translating over. idk. sorry.#which there's a discussion to be had about arcane herald viktor there and the glorious evolution itself#because despite his ascension to godhood he's never actually framed as wanting to be worshipped like a king or a god#ultimately yes he desires to remove control from the human race but... hard to explain but like. he doesn't try to take it for himself?#he thinks he's freeing everyone. not to bow down to him but to find peace and connection with each other and with him#partially because he's so fucking lonely. his ascension is framed as enlightenment not a power grab.#his very evolution framed almost as unwilling. a resignation of a burden he must shoulder to be the one to fix things alone#but of course you have the influence of the power-hungry hexcore at play which distorts viktor's altruistic motives so. there's that.#anyway this is tangential to the main point which simply was 'stop making viktor angry and rude he's literally not like that in canon'
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as a little treat i am sharing with you little Aya doodles I've done over the last few days to unwind ww just little expressions based on lines in-game because those are always fun to draw. nothing too special just biscuit
it's Aya because upon doing bizarrely throughout playthroughs of the game for still unspecified project purposes I've gained a soft spot for her she's my daughter now my mental tier list on my favorite characters is so confusing right now
#re:kinder#fanart#aya re:kinder#aya hibino#i state shes my daughter NOW because before i didnt pay too big of a mind to her#but honestly in each different playthrough of this game i gain new appreciation for each character#because fun fact ryou was my favorite character at first just because he seemed nice and was a healer and was nice#second playthrough brought in rei and shunsuke in my mind because they ate it up wirh their roles in the story#meanwhile as time passed yuuichi started to grow on me as i realized he was a little too relatable BASICALLY THINGS LIKE THAT#and spoilers for the unspecified project mentioned in the text just because i feel like it#i also did this because having a transcript of every line just spurred me on becquse of how easy it made things#its much more fun to start doing these kind of line based doodles when you dont have to manually go througj hours of gameplay to find stuff#so just being ablr to ctrl f through a document made me very glad HEUEHEHEBEHR#im still working on it it needs proofreading and polishing on some sides but overall it should be here soon i hope#if anyones interested in it do let me know HUEHEHEBRB i will post it regardless but it would be nice to know if anyone is interested#ANYWAY#as to why Aya seems to have a purse when her sprite doesnt its because her equipment mentions her carrying a yellow pouch#its meant to be that!!!#she looks very goofy with it on made me giggle ngl#(as in. amusement)#it adds more interest to her visual design so its nice to have it there im glad its there#OH YEAH SOME COMMENTARY ON ONE OF HER LINES HERE THAT REALLY PIQUED MY INTEREST#if sayaka dies and shes there to see it (thus. you chose to bring her with you) she has this line#where it implies that shes afraid of dying which makes things sad when she's suicidal#she already states i think her desire is more to disappear than to die exactly but even then it's quite sad#like even if she wants to disappear with how gloomy she's feeling and all the things going around with her parents#shes just a little girl who doesn't want to die😭😭#it really adds a sense of realism to how depression is tackled in game at least for me#that when one is depressed and suicidal a lot of the time it's the wish for this state of suffering to end rather than to actually die#SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER ITS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT UPPED MY APPRECIATION FOR HER
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY @reallunargift!
Guess who's using his last cents after a night out to wish you a very happy birthday? I hope you're leaning in extra close, because Port has to make himself heard over the pimba playing in the background!
#happy happy birthday to one of my most precious friends!#the cleverest jokester the most avid f1 commentator the sweetest person and the most talented all-rounder#the (lunar) gift that keeps on giving! ❤️#this year i thought i’d draw port wishing you happy birthday over the phone#the original idea behind this was ro talking to port on the phone and the telephone cord stretched out to spell “happy birthday lunie”#but i ran out of time and ro didn’t come out the way i wanted him to#(for some reason he came out looking like george russell don't ask me why he just did!)#i hope that you will like your present all the same#thank you for brightening up another year of my life with your inimitable sense of humor#but most of all thank you for another year of your one-of-a-kind friendship#i hope that this year will bring you happiness good health good luck#(more content on 2 unnamed f1 drivers shhh)#and everything that your heart desires because you deserve it tenfold#la mulți ani lunie! ❤️#parabéns! ❤️#aph portugal#my fanart
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Not @ almost all my f/os being the characters in their respective media referred to and portrayed as unattractive/romantically unappealing 💀
Me: *sees character specifically referred to by other characters as Odd™ and/or Not Hot™*
#text post#f/o community#f/o stuff#self shipping#comfort imagine#it’s funny because of how wildly off that makes my taste 😂 but also kinda sad#because then I have to hear my f/o’s friends/acquaintances around them joke about their looks/lack of appeal and I just :(((#like being surprised someone likes them or making jokes about things like their height or features and I wish I could tell them#how wonderful they are!#some of the exact personality traits mocked on two of them feed well into a kink I’ve recently acknowledged so there’s also that lmaoooo#but I just want to show them so much love and make them feel desirable as someone who struggles with that even if#they can laugh off or ignore the jokes (one of them it really gets to though and it’s like no baby! I’ll fight them off for you!)#and show you how sweet I find you
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goodnight everyone I am traveling to the secret gardens in my mind where Maximus is alive and in love with me
#i have been dreaming of him all day#dreaming yearning longing desiring wishing aching burning pining#in these secrets gardens we have a little cottage and an orchard and a bunch of horses and mountains and rivers etc#but most importantly: we have each other and we are IN LOVE#all the time#my one true happy place#had a crazy exhausting day and didn’t have time to come reblog and post a bunch of stuff#so i am pushing it to tomorrow and spending tonight just. longing for him#can’t stop thinking about how much i wish he was my beloved husband#and i know it’s kind of dumb but. i wish i had a little son who looked like him 😭#idk i’m in a mood and wishing we had a little family together#he’s everything i dream of and so much more#just. longing for him to come warm me up for the winter and fill my heart with love forever#what am i supposed to do with all this love i have for him??#where does it all go??#i just yearn for him and it never ends#oh to just. have him sweep me up in his arms#i just want to kiss his sweet face and listen to his lovely voice and fall asleep listening to his heart beating#i just!! yearn!!!#maximus when will the stars align and bring you to my doorstep#when will i be pulled into your orbit#until then i am a mere sunflower craning to see you as you pass overhead everyday#the days and nights are so long without him#i am. poetic and dramatic this evening#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#text posts
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I want to be more authentic on my other social media platforms too, where irl people know me.
But I have such an intense fear of being perceived I sit. For 3 hours. On a post before posting it 😭😭 I literally just stare at it and have an anxiety attack lol.
And even then sometimes I end up deleting it.
Even though I only do it for myself and nobody really cares it's still ajajaja hard.
But I want people to see me more than a shallow human lol
And maybe, even if only one person likes my "true" self, then I'd be happy 🥲
But what if they bully me more ahhah I already am not the most well liked 🥲🥲🥲🥲
THOUGHTS GO AWAY lol 😭
#I want to be loved kinda#but I feel like if I keep hiding how I feel around people I will never be able to truly connect to anyone#I know. That I could open up to people irl better.#But I don't really have people that I trust that much surrounding me#So that's why even posting as small as a quote or a music on my instagram is a huge things for me#Bc maybe someone who previously found me uninteresting could idk become interested? If they see I'm also a human lol 😭#Idk this doesn't make sense but I struggled with this since I was a kid and finally I have a desire to change#I have a desire to be seen kinda ahhaah#I have a weird story but actually one time as a kid I almost choked because I didn't one to bother my mom??? I didn't want her to help me#bc I felt guilty????#And this pattern of feeling like a burden follows me like my own shadow ahaha#but I... kinda want to feel like a burden sometimes to be honest#I just wish to leave a mark in the world in one way or another#idk I wish people could remember me for my soul and not my looks and face ahaha yes idk#it's 6 am actually!! finally stayed awake ahaha.
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lizzie get two wolves 👍
#strato.txt#oil painting#wip#im worried ive unbalanced the composition w the second one on the right tho... its so much closer to the edge#ugh whatever. aunt lizzie is the focus here#i wish i knew what she actually looked like this is just cobbled together from general features of my family#solid build... dark curly hair... bigass ears. she could be one of my cousins. she could be me#ok rq im gonna lay out the story in the tags for anyone who hasnt seen the previous lizzie art#my great-something aunt lizzie was disabled and couldnt walk very well and she died young#she wanted to see the second floor of the farm house real bad but no one ever carried her up there and she died before seeing it#they buried her in a long white dress somewhere down at the creek. we dont know where her graves lost unfortunately#the night she was buried something wearing a white dress walked into the house and up the stairs and disappeared#and sometimes you can hear her down around the creek screaming#somewhere along the line wolves got mixed into the imagery for me#my uncle told me a story about another 'white thing' that was wolfish and would jump on cars#so i just assumed lizzie was a werewolf my whole life#anyways. i think her staying after she died was a manifestation of her desire for autonomy. maybe#maybe if shed had modern accommodations she wouldnt have felt the need to stick around. or maybe she would have idk#either way i think death afforded her control over her own desires in a way she hadnt experienced before#and i think thats why she still hangs around the creek#i hope she would like this. maybe ill take it down there and leave it out for a night when its finished so she can see
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